imported>ThunderHenry at 13:52, 27 October 2021

2021-10-27T13:52:20Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 13:52, 27 October 2021
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	[[Image:The Witcher EU box.jpg\|thumb\|100px\|left]]		[[Image:The Witcher EU box.jpg\|thumb\|100px\|left]]

	'''''The Witcher''''' is a [[Fap\|Single Player]] Role-Playing Game set in the world of some [[Poland\|~~Polak~~]] writer called Andrzej Sapkowski. Every night, when Sapkowski came home from his job of cleaning Belgian houses, he wrote a few pages, completing his novel after five days and becoming a celebrity in Poland for being the only person to be able to read and write. A few Polish people who could do [[Computer Science III\|basic math]] picked up the franchise and made a game out of it, letting the player become an [[White\|albino]] swordsman who kills [[Mudkips\|monsters]] for a living.		'''''The Witcher''''' is a [[Fap\|Single Player]] Role-Playing Game set in the world of some [[Poland\|Polack]] writer called Andrzej Sapkowski. Every night, when Sapkowski came home from his job of cleaning Belgian houses, he wrote a few pages, completing his novel after five days and becoming a celebrity in Poland for being the only person to be able to read and write. A few Polish people who could do [[Computer Science III\|basic math]] picked up the franchise and made a game out of it, letting the player become an [[White\|albino]] swordsman who kills [[Mudkips\|monsters]] for a living.

	This game prides itself on its [[Lies\|non-linearity]], the ability of the player to make decisions which influence the storyline, its foul language and its agonizingly long load times. As well, [[internet police\|officials]] have praised the games accurate portrayal of women as being only good for boobs and [[sechs]]. Because of this game, it is now OK to punch [[RL]] women in the face that turn you down for sex after you've given them a piece of food or a ring.		This game prides itself on its [[Lies\|non-linearity]], the ability of the player to make decisions which influence the storyline, its foul language and its agonizingly long load times. As well, [[internet police\|officials]] have praised the games accurate portrayal of women as being only good for boobs and [[sechs]]. Because of this game, it is now OK to punch [[RL]] women in the face that turn you down for sex after you've given them a piece of food or a ring.

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

2011-08-07T10:05:08Z

Just a little troll for passing beta males.

← Older revision	Revision as of 10:05, 7 August 2011
(No difference)

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

2011-08-07T10:05:08Z

Just a little troll for passing beta males.

← Older revision		Revision as of 10:05, 7 August 2011
(No difference)

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

2011-08-07T10:05:08Z

Just a little troll for passing beta males.

← Older revision		Revision as of 10:05, 7 August 2011
(No difference)

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

2011-08-07T10:05:08Z

Just a little troll for passing beta males.

New page

__NOTOC__

[[Image:The Witcher EU box.jpg|thumb|100px|left]]

'''''The Witcher''''' is a [[Fap|Single Player]] Role-Playing Game set in the world of some [[Poland|Polak]] writer called Andrzej Sapkowski. Every night, when Sapkowski came home from his job of cleaning Belgian houses, he wrote a few pages, completing his novel after five days and becoming a celebrity in Poland for being the only person to be able to read and write. A few Polish people who could do [[Computer Science III|basic math]] picked up the franchise and made a game out of it, letting the player become an [[White|albino]] swordsman who kills [[Mudkips|monsters]] for a living.

This game prides itself on its [[Lies|non-linearity]], the ability of the player to make decisions which influence the storyline, its foul language and its agonizingly long load times. As well, [[internet police|officials]] have praised the games accurate portrayal of women as being only good for boobs and [[sechs]]. Because of this game, it is now OK to punch [[RL]] women in the face that turn you down for sex after you've given them a piece of food or a ring.

==The Game==

===The [[tl;dr]] Plot===

[[Image:Witchercoolguy.png|right]]

Geralt of Rivia is a [[Lemonparty|white-haired]] swordsman trained by a secret school of Witchers. Witchers are professional monster-hunters who are rigorously trained and [[Hax|genetically modified]] to provide them with superhuman skill to battle monsters, and to have sex with every woman on the planet.

The game begins as Geralt is being carried on a cart by his co-worker Witchers. Apparently Geralt tried to fight a monster and [[Fail|got his ass handed to him]]. Like every RPG hero at the start of every RPG ever, he is affected by amnesia, giving the developers an excuse to have your supposedly experienced character start out weak as a kitten. When the Witchers arrive at [[Fort Longcat|Kaer Morhen]], they are greeted by Triss, [[Final Fantasy VII|who has the hots for Geralt, just like every other female in the game, despite his gruff and intolerable behavior]] ''([[nice guy|hint]] [[forever alone|hint]])''. Right after their return, [[Orgy|an evil gang attacks the band of Witchers]], and steals their [[Dox|secrets]]. Before this endeavor, he has [[sex]] with Triss.

Geralt travels to Vizima to find out more clues, but before he can even enter the city, he must do battle with a big shiny [[Furry|dog]], originally called The Beast. He also encounters the Scoia'Tael, a bunch of [[Otherkin|nonhuman]] [[terrorists]] who hate the evil hyoomans for oppressing them. During this endeavor, he has [[sex]] with the [[DivineAngel|witch]], some random peasant girl, and some stupid [[Slut|barmaid]] in the windmill.

One inside the city, Geralt appears to be restricted to the Temple Quarter, and he begins his investigation, assisted by a Private [[Detective]] called Raymond Maarloeve. After pointlessly interrogating people who couldn't have done it anyway, he finds out, through sheer coincidence, that the bad guy has actually taken on the appearance of Maarloeve and was impersonating the Detective all along! Holy shit that is some original storywriting! During this endeavor, Geralt has sex with his long-time friend Shani, some random Half-Elf, some random townswoman, a Dryad, and a [[Whore|prostitute]] (but Geralt, of course, doesn't have to pay!).

For some strange reason, discovering the [[Powerword|true identity]] of Maarloeve opens up the gate to the Trade Quarter, where Geralt meets Triss again. He continues to investigate the bad guys and tries to find out more about the mysterious powers of Alvin, the child he [[Pedophile|rescued]] in Act I. During these endeavors, he has [[sex]] with some girl looking for her lute, a prostitute, another prostitute, the [[Vampire|Vampiric]] Queen of Prostitutes (!), a noblewoman, a town clerk, either Triss or Shani again, and even the god damn Princess herself! Geralt sure can hit it.

In the next Act, Geralt finds himself washed ashore on the coast of Temeria, and he must somehow get back to Vizima, with Alvin [[Attention Whore|attached to his leg]] like a ball-and-chain. He meets the Lady of the Lake, who throws him a sword after he kills the evil entity known as Dagon. This is definitely not a rip-off of Lovecraft and the Excalibur myth. He also has to choose to support either the humans or the black person, against the other side. During the fracas, Alvin [[Ejaculate|catapults]] himself back in time. Eventually Geralt manages to get back to Vizima, and during this endeavor he has [[sex]] with a jealous sister, some random Elf, some random peasant girl, and of course the Lady of the Lake herself. Go Geralt!

[[Image:Sex_White_Rayla.jpg|120px|thumb|left|They eat the male after copulation.]]

The final Act (not really since the epilogue isn't an epilogue at all) has Geralt returning to Old Vizima and fighting in the [[Orgy|war]] between the human [[KKK|Order]] and the nonhuman [[Politically correct|Scoia'Tael]]. During this endeavor, he has sex with either a butch one-armed [[lesbian]] (Order Path), the Elven Queen Bitch (Squirrel-Tail Path) or a threesome with slutty bisexual nurse's (Neutral Path).

The final ''final'' Act has Geralt confronting the Grand Master of the Order, who needs to get [[Falcon Punch|kicked in the dick]] no matter which path you choose. Eventually he takes Geralt into the far-away future to show him what will become of humanity if [[Al Gore|the Grand Master]] doesn't intervene with his nasty plan, thus [[I did it for the lulz|justifying his actions]]. Geralt will have none of it though, and he proceeds to [[permaban]] the Grand Master, after a witty exchange. After [[pwn|pwning]] the Grand Master, Geralt notices that he was wearing the same amulet Geralt once gave to Alvin. Holy shit Alvin went back in time and became the Grand Master! During this endeavor the Grand Master wants [[buttsecks|man sex]] with him, but Geralt's [[Homophobe|too cool for that]].

===Gameplay===

[[Image:Sex_Vampiress.jpg|120px|thumb|right|One of Geralt's many conquests.]]

''The Witcher'''s combat system is the best system ever: it involves the player clicking on a bad guy, and then clicking again until the bad guy dies. This premise is the same in the three combat styles, aptly named the [[Rape|Strong]] Style, the [[Faggot|Fast]] Style and the [[Bukkake|Group]] style. Clicking at the right time creates a combo, but seeing as those are just more of the same hits chained together, with the enemy still able to hit back, there's no real reason to put in the effort of actually clicking at the right time. The game will, however, kindly notify you when you clicked at the wrong time by scrolling "[[Too soon|Too Fast]]!" over the screen. Thank God for that.

Geralt also has magic and alchemy at his disposal, the only decent magical signs are the first two, [[Blow|''Aard'']] and [[KILL IT WITH FIRE|''Igni'']], and [[Jenkem|alchemy]] is lame. There are over 40 alchemy recipies, only three of these should be made more than once.

Every step you take is followed by a cutscene and this is wonderful, because many cutscenes take place before a big fight, meaning you can't save until after the fight. If you get killed, you have to sit through the ridiculously [[Longcat|long]] load time and ''then'' watch the cutscene all over again. This adds longevity to the game, and that's always a good thing.

Opening any door or moving from one zone into the next is a joyful occasion, allowing you to spend five minutes (ten if the intrepid gamer is particularly lucky) examining all the intricacies of the load screen. What makes this fact even more [[awesome]] is that most of the magnificently exciting FedEx quests require the player to traverse several zones and enter a myriad of buildings, turning a quick, dull fetch quest into a loading screen-filled extravaganza, which in turn, makes the useless rewards seem like [[Cloudsong|game-winning items]] because you had to wait for them for such a long time.

==Criticism==
[[Wikipedia|Ornery bastards]] criticize that the Witcher is fraught with obscene language, sometimes even with deliberate intent to throw dirty words at the impressionable minds of young gamers. Sample tasteful quotes include:

<center>
{{frame|{{morphquote|witcher|background-color:#ffffff;|font-weight: bold;
|Your momma sucks dwarf cock.|A drunk who knows the score.
|I fucked a she-Elf once.|A villager shares his experiences.
|Abso-fuckin-lutely beautiful.|Geralt, inventing new words.}}
|border=#ffffff|background=#ffffff}}
</center>

This, and the occasional painted [[Boob|boobie]] in the game, were enough to slap an 18+ warning on the game. If Geralt were to explode his opponents in a grotesque shower of gibs, but the boobies and naughty words had been absent, it probably would have gotten a 12+ rating. [[ESRB|Because we all know horrible violence and mutilations are nothing compared to a naked tit]]. Especially for Americunts, however, the boobies were covered and even the texture for the Dryad model was changed so that her hair covered her [[vagina]]. Something her pubes were already doing anyway.

[[Image:Witcherforum3.jpg|thumb|140px|right|Sample of dialogue.]]

Also, Geralt's frequent consumption of [[alcohol]], sometimes even in drinking contests ([[oh noes!]]), and his reliance on alchemy, i.e. [[drugs]], is the cause for much worrying among [[Bitingbeaver|good Catholic homemakers]].

[[Some argue|Some also argue]] that the vaunted decision-consequence system is [[bullshit]] since the only consequences of your decisions turns out to be that in the next generic fight, you'll be fighting three monsters instead of two.

Yet other whiners [[BAWWWW|bitch]] about the fact that ''The Witcher'' is PC-only, thus depriving the mothers of console-fags of dwarf cock to suck on.

Which is a perfectly sensible gripe, really, seeing as how the game was designed to be completely impossible to play without every single key on your keyboard and every single button on your mouse at once.

==Fan Art Gallery==
Of course, no game could be complete without awesome fan art [[For great justice|doing it justice]]!

<gallery>
Image:Witcher34.jpg|As if this game needed more nudity!
Image:Katrina bunny Witcher by Tarivusha.jpg|[[a cat is fine too|Furries can be Witchers too!]]
Image:Striga by nameless 506.jpg|The Striga is feared throughout the land!
Image:Grealt na premiera by Obi S4n.jpg|Go Soccer Geralt!
</gallery>

==See Also==
*[[Misogyny]]

==External Links==
*[http://www.thewitcher.com/ Official site]
*[http://www.thewitcher.com/forum/ Official forums]
*[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation/2831-Zero-Punctuation-The-Witcher Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee reviews ''The Witcher''.]

{{gaming}}

[[Category:Gaming]]

The Witcher - Revision history

imported>ThunderHenry at 13:52, 27 October 2021

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.

imported>LadySif SexyGoddess: Just a little troll for passing beta males.