imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

2013-01-05T07:11:13Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 07:11, 5 January 2013
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imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

2013-01-05T07:11:13Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 07:11, 5 January 2013
(No difference)

imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

2013-01-05T07:11:13Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 07:11, 5 January 2013
(No difference)

imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

2013-01-05T07:11:13Z

New page

[[Image:nova1.jpg|thumb|AAAAAAAAAAAH!]]
[[Image:nova2.gif|thumb|WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!]]
[[Image:nova3.gif|thumb|IT HAUNTS MY DREAMS!]]
[[Image:nova4.jpg|thumb|Model NOVA teacher]]
[[Image:nova5.gif|thumb|Actual NOVA teacher]]

On the [[internet]], there exists a dream. A [[Unrealistic_Expectations|brave]] dream. A dream of living in a glittering [[catnarok|paradise]] where one will [[hugbox|not be judged]]. A dream of respect, dignity and [[sex|actual contact]] with a [[woman|ladywoman]]. The dream... of living in [[Japan]].

For everything that lying, stealing and giving [[:Image:Prettyintense.jpg|pretty intense]] blowjobs to [[fugly|squat]] salarymen can buy, there's [[Applemilk1988]]. For [[you|everyone else]], there's NOVA.

NOVA are/were one of the most prolific sources of lulz and BAWWWWWW on the planet. For [[at least 100]] years they epically [[IRL troll|IRL trolled]] thousands upon thousands of [[weeaboos]], [[teenagers]], [[sluts]] and [[azns]] (staff and customer alike). Company president Nozomu Sashimi [[steal|swindled]] millions out of his own company, while sitting in a [[goatse|hollowed-out volcano]] with his face carved on the front where he would stroke a large white Persian cat and laugh maniacally. He would then put on a [[gay|Victorian]] style bathing suit and go for a swim in his vault of [[jew gold|money]]. He also unleashed the "[[bukkake|NOVA USAGI]]" on the world, and tried to disassemble [[1980s|Johnny Five]].

Company president Sahashi (commonly known as Monkeybridge) is currently enjoying a 3.5-year prison sentence, during which time he will be fucked in the ass repeatedly by J-dicks so small that he won't even notice.

==What's An Eikaiwa?==

An eikaiwa is a Japanese conversational school which concentrates on [[shit nobody cares about|fluency rather than practice]]. Because of this, it is possible to get a [[job]] in Japan with no [[skillz|skills]] whatsoever as long as you can walk into a building in something other than a [[fursuit|track suit]] and speak without dribbling or hitting your dick with a hammer.

===Eikaiwa exist for three reasons:===

====1: Engrish====

[[basement dwellers|Japanese]] students emerge from [[at least 100 years]] of full time education with a [[xbox|huge]] vocabulary, but unable to string a sentence together without accidentally activating fifty [[Russian]] secret agents. This proves what the past fifty years have taught us: Japan is better at the world at everything other than playing soccer and saying a single fucking intelligable word.

====2: Japanese Racism====

If you are a [[GaijinSmash|foreigner]], you will never be seen as possessing any skill or talent other than your ability to speak English. This is not lulzy ED "[[Hard_Gay|OH THOSE WACKY JAPANESE]]" stuff, this is a statement of plain [[fact]]. If you have a Japanese [[gay|best friend]] and want to tell us all about how accepting and cosmopolitan the Japanese are, there's a fuckton of [[whitey]]s working real [[mcdonalds|establishment jobs]] in Japan and fighting tooth and bloodstained nail for a shred of security who would love to hear what a clever fuck you are. Guess what? Everything you've been told about Japan has been a [[Megatokyo|lie]]. In Japan, if you walk up to somebody, they can, and probably will, punch you in the face, [[rape]] your son, put a stick of [[shit nobody cares about|Pocky]] up your [[ass]] and then call a policeman to report how they were [[bullshit|acting in self defence]] and you'd be [[banned|deported]] before you could say [[ZA WARUDO]]. And no, I'm [[The Internet is serious business|not JKing]]. I'm [[dead]] fucking [[srsly|serious]].

====3: Things You Can And Can't Say To Your Superiors====

BAD: '''"Hey, boss. You know what? [[FYIAD|Fuck you]]. I'm leaving this school to move to a country where I can have all the [[hookers and blow|sex and cheap booze]] I can handle in return for being paid double to [[pedophilia|teach kids]] that don't shit in my desk and try to shoot me."'''

GOOD: '''"I've received substantial interest from several private schools offering me better pay and a more flexible work schedule."'''

BAD: '''"Hey, [[hugbox|Mom]]. Can I have five thousand dollars for a working holiday visa so I can spend a year watching [[anime]]?"'''

AND ALSO: '''"Hey, Dad. I'm gonna spend the next year contracting [[cancer]] of the liver and [[AIDS]] in a foreign country. Can you Tivo ER for me?"'''

GOOD: '''"I'm thinking of broadening my horizons, adding something to my resume and getting out of the house, guys. I'm gonna take a year out to teach abroad, learn another language and [[buttsex|absorb]] foreign [[cocks|business cultures]]."'''

==The Evil Masterplan (Part One)==

First, NOVA would recruit foreign staff using their offices in [[Europe|Fagland,]] [[America|Shitland]] and [[Australia|The Middle Of Nowhere.]] Cue stampedes of:

*Genuine teachers who would sit down and start [[TL;DR|reeling off their credentials]].
*Starry-eyed [[weeaboos]] who could barely wait for the interview before they started chattering to the recruitment officer about their favourite [[animu]]

Both of these groups, of course, missed the point. NOVA didn't want people looking for a proper job or even people who wanted to be in [[Japan]] at all. The former were likely to start talking about things like pay rises, health insurance or [[oh noes|OH NOES]] [[libertarianism|unions]]. As for the latter; well, put kindly, if you're a Japanese person who is sick of [[Japan]] and wants to be exposed to alien languages and culture, the last thing you want is to pay through the [[in the ass|nose]] to sit in a room with a [[300]] pound [[basement dweller]] who won't shut up about [[Hikaru_no_go|Hikaru No Go]]. They have plenty of that already, thanks. The actual ideal job profile for NOVA was:

*Blond, dumb kids on a year out who would ramp up huge credit card debts and then [[Bel_Air|run home crying to mummy and daddy]] about how awful [[Japan]] was
*[[slut|Gregarious personalities]] who would be out [[fucking|socialising]] in Roppongi every night and leave having absorbed [[AIDS|the local culture.]]

Once they were in place, NOVA would place them in a company dorm in a mountain village with one [[indians|convenience store]] and a post office, then nail the coffin shut with a year long contract and the threat of withdrawing visa sponsorship. LOL [[pwned|PWNT]].

==Meanwhile, Back In LOLland==

Japanese staff would be running [[9000|over nine thousand]] branches of the school, being paid [[jenkem|shit]] and [[rice out|rice]] to work 26 hours per day whilst having to pay massive kickbacks which were cleverly disguised as [[plastic crap|patented videophone]] technology. Students were then recruited in their droves using an advertising budget more bloated and impotent than a [[Chris_Forcand|Canadian churchgoer.]] Entire [[F40PH|trains]] were hired and plastered with NOVA's eye raping pink and blue propandga, despite the fact that a huge illuminated NOVA sign could be clearly seen from every train station in [[Tokyo]].

NOVA's students, who were so desperate for the white man's [[cock]] that they clearly couldn't read properly, were [[scam|flimflammed]] by a cunning contract scheme in which they were encouraged to buy "[[habbo hotel|NOVA Points]]." The scheme implied that they would be saving money by purchasing points in bulk, while failing to mention that should a lesson have to be cancelled and the points redeemed, the customer's money would [[it is a mystery|suddenly evaporate]] as the rate of the NOVA point against the yen is roughly equivelant to that of the Canadian dollar against the solid gold statue of [[Cracky-chan]] that can cook your pie and suck your cock at the same time.

==U L DOIN IT LONG==

[[Last Thursday]], Sasami's [[microsoft|business ethics]] (which by now had grown to include shunting money between [[sockpuppet]] companies owned or partially owned by himself) caught up with him and the evil AI with the one, unblinking red light which rules Japan smote his company with the [[banhammer]]. NOVA were forbidden to recruit customers for six months, and once Japanese [[sheep|sheeple]] see one [[furfag|animal]] break from the pack then you've got a [[zerg rush|stampede]] on your hands. People started complaining loudly and sueing to get their yens back. Their reputation dove. By August 2007, they no longer had enough money to pay their staff.

By October the whining, glassy-eyed caucasian spawn who had so cherished their walk-on part in the Japanese economic miracle were left with literally [[poor|pennies in their bank accounts]] and no way to eat or get home. Some were even evicted when the company were unable to pay the rent on their own living quarters, and THAT'S just frikken hilarious. Roundeyes and slanties alike howled for Smokehashi to file for bankruptcy protection. Sadly he was nowhere to be found. Or, more accurately, he was found hiding in the British Virgin Islands lying on a bed of [[prostatot|hookers]] and blowing [[crack]] out of his [[in the ass|ass]].

==The Australian Government Steps In To Protect Its Citizens From [[oh exploitable|Exploitation]]==

Many terrified [[Australian|sheepfuckers]] breathed a sigh of relief when their consulate declared their every intent to support its nationals in repatriating themselves. This support turned out to be (and no, I swear I am not making this up) "You can use our phone to call Mum." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, PSYCHE!

==NO DISASSEMBLE NOVA USAGI==

At the end of October an emergency meeting removed the CEO and the company filed Bankruptcy. As of time of writing, no outstanding debts to staff or students will be paid.

==IRL Drama And Butthurt==

*While his staff were starving to death, Suckcocky had a 300m office on top of a skyscraper with its own jacuzzi, double bed and traditional Japanese tea house. This is actually true.
*NOVA instructors were required to sign a release form stating that they would submit to mandatory random [[drug]] testing whenever asked.
*NOVA's policy of zero [[fucking|contact]] between staff and studends is claimed (read: THIS IS DEFINITELY TRUE) to be the result of a Japanese manager being uber-[[butthurt]] over one of the [[pedo|gaijin staff]] banging his [[loli|little girl]]. Naturally he was unable to blame her as we all know the extent to which Japanese [[16 year old girls]] are frothing at the gash for ivory wang.
*At one branch of NOVA, Japanese staff working through the night were required to douse the lights and hide under the tables every time a car went past the window for fear of being raided by government inspectors.
*Ten teachers who had been working at NOVA for a decade were fired by the company for joining a [[communist|union]].
*Another teacher was fired after seven years for [[asking for it|asking]] to be made a permanent employee.
*Parents of one teacher are filing suit after he became [[an hero]] over having to work 80 hours of overtime in a month. YAY! This bankruptcy has a [[columbine|body count]]!
*NOVA employee [[lindsay lohan|Lindsay Ann Hawker]] was presented with a bath of [[arab|sand]] as severance pay. This is a [[Missing_white_woman_syndrome|traditional Japanese custom.]]

==Customer Testimonials Culled From Japanese Blogs==

{{quote|"Maybe the reason that people cannot proclaim in a loud voice, “I attend NOVA”, is that the company is so corrupt? Or is it because they sense their lack of proficiency in English?"|-Bun}}

{{quote|"For me, who is spoiled with happiness in safe Japan, NOVA was the only door to the outside world"|-Bun}}

{{quote|"I've been on a contract with NOVA for 4 years now, but even within my family people have voiced concerns that “[NOVA] is trying to make students use their points”, and [meanwhile] more and more foreign teachers are quitting, with only the people who came to Japan within the last 3 months still remaining."|-Riruna}}

{{quote|"I think that there are many people who had terrible experiences at NOVA, or who did not improve [their English], and these people think NOVA is bad, and cannot think of NOVA in a positive sense."|-Yummy}}

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Nova rabbit x.png|Frantic rabbit
Image:Novausagi.jpg|Sasami floats down to his Playboy mansion
Image:Novangelion.JPG|Nova bunny meets [[Evangelion]]
Image:Nova sock.jpg|Hand-puppet Nova rabbit
Image:Nova rabbit face.png|Shakin' bunny
Image:10turn nova.png|Sweet bunny
Image:Nova_rabbit_monster.jpg|[[IRL]] Nova rabbit (not [[fursuit]])
Image:nova6.jpg|[[Mike_Tyson%27s_Punch_Out|He's hurt me bad, Doc!]]
Image:nova7.jpg|[[Krystal_Can%27t_Enjoy_Her_Sandwich|NOVA Usagi can't enjoy his sandwich]]
Image:nova8.jpg|[[LOL WUT]]
Image:nova9.jpg|[[MOAR]] [[Voraphile|VORE!]]
Image:nova10.jpg|Bumwad Bunny
Image:nova11.jpg|[[LOL]] [[Virgin|VIRGIN]]
Image:nova12.jpg|[[OMG]] SECRET [[Adolf_Hitler|NAZI]] NOVA
Image:nova13.jpg|Where's your NOVA teacher now?
</gallery>

==How To Use NOVA In Trolling==

[[serious business|Important note:]] Pre-crash, NOVA was one of the finest tools in the troll's arsenal for [[trolling|irritating]] [[wapanese|people]] who were trying to build a [[unrealistic expectations|career]] in [[Japan]]. The stock resonse to such an [[goon|individual]] boasting about how they had earned a place in a real company was "LOL WUTS DA MATTER, CUDN'T GET HIRED BY NOVA?"

For reasons outlined above, this [[stop posting|does not work any more.]]

==Moar Sauce==

*[http://www.webcitation.org/5Q0QyqQnk The Daily Yomiuri]: B&, LOL
*[http://www.eltnews.com/news/archives/2003_03.shtml ELT News.com]: Tearing off of NOVA Usagi's ears upsets animal rights activists
*[http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/nn20040226b4.html The Japan Times:] Bar Association begs NOVA to let its teachers fuck
*[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6498019.stm BBC News:] Lindsay Ann Hawker. Does a NOVA teacher grow into a beautiful flower when you plant it? Let's find out!
*[http://www.letsjapan.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=1 Let's Japan Eikaiwa Forum:] WARNING: Contains a [[9000|FOURTEEN THOUSAND]] POST thread of NOVA [[butthurt]]! SERIOUSLY [[TLDR|TL;DR]]!

{{azn}}

[[category:cliques]]

NOVA - Revision history

imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013

imported>Kwyjibo at 07:11, 5 January 2013