Encyclopedia Dramatica - Things to revert [en]

Bluesky

2026-04-06T01:27:48Z

Crow caw: /* How To Troll Bluesky Users */

[[File:Bluesky Logo.svg|200px|thumb|the logo is shite, as expected.]]
The wise Robert Frost once said that [[Facts|"it is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things."]] For those who have grown hateful toward the encroaching [[New World Order|conservative white demigod overlords]] taking over the internets, like [[Elon Musk]], they do not move on; instead they take to '''Bluesky''' (a.k.a. '''Bsky''', '''Bluesky Social''', '''Bluecry''', '''Shitter''', '''Retarded Butterfly App''' and '''Mentally Retarded Liberal Faggot Twitter''') to [[cry some moar]] about the infestation of [[lulz]] in their internetz. Bluesky is a [[liberal]] internet [[hugbox]] and [[child pornography]] distribution platform that was launched in [[2023]] by former [[Twitter]] CEO and professional Grigori Rasputin [[cosplayer]] Jack Dorsey because he was severely butthurt over aforementioned [[Elon Musk]]'s purchase of Twitter in late [[2022]].

Bluesky is a [[Plagiarism|1:1 perfect replica of Twitter in terms of features and design]] but, much like pre-2022 Twitter, is moderated entirely by [[morbidly obese]] blue-haired [[trannies]] and [[bald]]ing [[Pedophiles|male feminist]] [[hipster]]s to listen exclusively to the likes of [[BTS]] and [[Faggotry|BLACKPINK]]. In November, [[2024]], Bluesky saw an influx of angry [[Hollywood]] [[pedophile]] [[celebrities]] and [[BAWWW]]ING liberal retards who were fleeing [[Twitter]] en masse following [[Donald Trump]]'s [[epic win]] in the [[2024 USA Presidential Elections|2024 United States Presidential Election]]. As one would probably expect, this led to Bluesky being flooded with [[hardcore]] [[child porn]] and crashing their servers. Given its [[faggot]] [[liberal]] alignment, it is to be said for certain, and [[Fact|apparent to the blind]], that Bluesky was directly involved behind the murder of [[Charlie Kirk]], the death of the late and great [[Dick Cheney]], the persistence of [[BLM]], and the propagation of [[War|general unrest]], [[faggotry]], [[incest]] and [[Pedophilia]] in the [[USA]] and the wider world.

'''Stay vigilant, soldier. Don't let [[AIDS|them]] get you.'''

==Skeeting==
Bluesky users have developed their own term for posting: [[skeet|skeeting]]. It’s a portmanteau of "sky" and "tweet". Any knowledgeable person knows that since the dawn of time "skeeting" has always been slang referring to the act of ejaculation, but that hasn’t stopped Bluesky users from using the term or the higher-ups from officially endorsing it. Users likely do a lot of real skeeting while they’re at it too.

== Bluesky MAPs ==

[[Truth|This world can make some truly horrifying monsters.]] Don't believe me? Look at these pictures.
[[File:BlueskyPedos.jpg|center|500px]]

[[File:BlueskyMoarMAPs.jpg|center|500px]]

[[File:BlueskyChildlover.jpg|center|500px]]

== How To Troll Bluesky Users ==
{{Warning|[[DO IT FAGGOT|Doing any of this will result in instant suspension.]]}}
* Tell them children can't consent.
* Tell them animals can't consent.
* Preach to them about the teachings of [[Jesus Christ]].
* [[You Will Never Be A Woman|Remind them they'll never be women]].
* Tell them nobody gives a fuck that they're boycotting Twitter.
* Simply say "[[Your body, my choice.]]" and watch them chimp out.
* Link them this article.{{cn}}
* Tell them that there are [[fact|only two genders]]
* Tell them RMTransit is better than [[NotJustBikes]]
* Call Bluesky a partisan echo chamber
* Refer to Bluesky by the abbreviation BS
* Ask if they're on the [[hoax|Epstein List]]
* Post images of the [[Black Lives Matter]] riots from 2020. Bonus points for using the term "riot".
* Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
* Ask them why, they use, so many, unnecessary commas.
* Say the words "kill" and "die" uncensored.
* Tell them it's stupid when rich white suburbanites in Silicon Valley say "yall" to try and sound black.
* Tell them to get over the "[[hoax|January 6th]]" bullshit already!
* Criticise the [[democrats|demoncrap farty]]
* Vote 3rd party

== Retardation Gallery ==
<center><gallery>
File:Blueskypedo.png|[[Typical]]
File:Blueskypedo2.png|It's all so tiresome
File:Blueskyhrt.png|[[Bullshit|Sound medical advice]]
File:Blueskydiaperfag.png|Filthy little [[Diaperfag]]
File:Blueskytantrum.png|Encouraging adult-temper-tantrums because [[Drumpf]] won
File:Blueskyhamas.png|Troon wants to globalize a terrorist movement that would have his head cut off
File:Bluecry.jpg|Posting this on Bluesky will get you [[permabanned]].
File:SolomonBSPosts.png|
</gallery></center>

== See Also ==
* [[Twitter]]
* [[Mastodon]] - Another Twitter knock-off for literally anything.
* [[NotJustBikes]] - typical BS user with severe anger issues.
* [[Solomon Henderson]] - Notable BS user

== External Links ==
*{{Kf|204745|Kiwi Farms thread on Bluesky}}
*{{Wikilink|Bluesky|Bluesky on Wikipedia}}

{{portals|websites|socialmedia}}
{{pedoseries}}
{{timeline|Featured article December 22 & 23, [[2024]]|[[Bashar al-Assad]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Christmas]]}}

[[Category:Social Justice]]
[[Category:Lolcows]]

Bluesky

2026-04-06T01:27:24Z

Crow caw: /* How To Troll Bluesky Users */

[[File:Bluesky Logo.svg|200px|thumb|the logo is shite, as expected.]]
The wise Robert Frost once said that [[Facts|"it is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things."]] For those who have grown hateful toward the encroaching [[New World Order|conservative white demigod overlords]] taking over the internets, like [[Elon Musk]], they do not move on; instead they take to '''Bluesky''' (a.k.a. '''Bsky''', '''Bluesky Social''', '''Bluecry''', '''Shitter''', '''Retarded Butterfly App''' and '''Mentally Retarded Liberal Faggot Twitter''') to [[cry some moar]] about the infestation of [[lulz]] in their internetz. Bluesky is a [[liberal]] internet [[hugbox]] and [[child pornography]] distribution platform that was launched in [[2023]] by former [[Twitter]] CEO and professional Grigori Rasputin [[cosplayer]] Jack Dorsey because he was severely butthurt over aforementioned [[Elon Musk]]'s purchase of Twitter in late [[2022]].

Bluesky is a [[Plagiarism|1:1 perfect replica of Twitter in terms of features and design]] but, much like pre-2022 Twitter, is moderated entirely by [[morbidly obese]] blue-haired [[trannies]] and [[bald]]ing [[Pedophiles|male feminist]] [[hipster]]s to listen exclusively to the likes of [[BTS]] and [[Faggotry|BLACKPINK]]. In November, [[2024]], Bluesky saw an influx of angry [[Hollywood]] [[pedophile]] [[celebrities]] and [[BAWWW]]ING liberal retards who were fleeing [[Twitter]] en masse following [[Donald Trump]]'s [[epic win]] in the [[2024 USA Presidential Elections|2024 United States Presidential Election]]. As one would probably expect, this led to Bluesky being flooded with [[hardcore]] [[child porn]] and crashing their servers. Given its [[faggot]] [[liberal]] alignment, it is to be said for certain, and [[Fact|apparent to the blind]], that Bluesky was directly involved behind the murder of [[Charlie Kirk]], the death of the late and great [[Dick Cheney]], the persistence of [[BLM]], and the propagation of [[War|general unrest]], [[faggotry]], [[incest]] and [[Pedophilia]] in the [[USA]] and the wider world.

'''Stay vigilant, soldier. Don't let [[AIDS|them]] get you.'''

==Skeeting==
Bluesky users have developed their own term for posting: [[skeet|skeeting]]. It’s a portmanteau of "sky" and "tweet". Any knowledgeable person knows that since the dawn of time "skeeting" has always been slang referring to the act of ejaculation, but that hasn’t stopped Bluesky users from using the term or the higher-ups from officially endorsing it. Users likely do a lot of real skeeting while they’re at it too.

== Bluesky MAPs ==

[[Truth|This world can make some truly horrifying monsters.]] Don't believe me? Look at these pictures.
[[File:BlueskyPedos.jpg|center|500px]]

[[File:BlueskyMoarMAPs.jpg|center|500px]]

[[File:BlueskyChildlover.jpg|center|500px]]

== How To Troll Bluesky Users ==
{{Warning|[[DO IT FAGGOT|Doing any of this will result in instant suspension.]]}}
* Tell them children can't consent.
* Tell them animals can't consent.
* Preach to them about the teachings of [[Jesus Christ]].
* [[You Will Never Be A Woman|Remind them they'll never be women]].
* Tell them nobody gives a fuck that they're boycotting Twitter.
* Simply say "[[Your body, my choice.]]" and watch them chimp out.
* Link them this article.{{cn}}
* Tell them that there are [[fact|only two genders]]
* Tell them RMTransit is better than [[NotJustBikes]]
* Call Bluesky a partisan echo chamber
* Refer to Bluesky by the abbreviation BS
* Ask if they're on the [[hoax|Epstein List]]
* Post images of the [[Black Lives Matter]] riots from 2020. Bonus points for using the term "riot".
* Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
* Ask them why, they use, so many, unnecessary commas.
* Say the words "kill" and "die" uncensored.
* Tell them it's stupid when rich white suburbanites in Silicon Valley say "yall" to try and sound black.
* Tell them to get over the "[[hoax|January 6th]] bullshit already!
* Criticise the [[democrats|demoncrap farty]]
* Vote 3rd party

== Retardation Gallery ==
<center><gallery>
File:Blueskypedo.png|[[Typical]]
File:Blueskypedo2.png|It's all so tiresome
File:Blueskyhrt.png|[[Bullshit|Sound medical advice]]
File:Blueskydiaperfag.png|Filthy little [[Diaperfag]]
File:Blueskytantrum.png|Encouraging adult-temper-tantrums because [[Drumpf]] won
File:Blueskyhamas.png|Troon wants to globalize a terrorist movement that would have his head cut off
File:Bluecry.jpg|Posting this on Bluesky will get you [[permabanned]].
File:SolomonBSPosts.png|
</gallery></center>

== See Also ==
* [[Twitter]]
* [[Mastodon]] - Another Twitter knock-off for literally anything.
* [[NotJustBikes]] - typical BS user with severe anger issues.
* [[Solomon Henderson]] - Notable BS user

== External Links ==
*{{Kf|204745|Kiwi Farms thread on Bluesky}}
*{{Wikilink|Bluesky|Bluesky on Wikipedia}}

{{portals|websites|socialmedia}}
{{pedoseries}}
{{timeline|Featured article December 22 & 23, [[2024]]|[[Bashar al-Assad]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Christmas]]}}

[[Category:Social Justice]]
[[Category:Lolcows]]

Atlanta

2026-04-06T01:20:05Z

Crow caw: /* How to piss someone from Atlanta off */

[[Image:Atlunta.jpg|thumb|Atlanta (THE ATL) - Home of [[Gothic]]s, and [[Buttsex]]]]

Atlanta or Asslanta, is the capital and most populous city of the fake "[[Georgia]]," as well as home of the [[EFN]] and scene for many episodes of [[LiveJournal]] [[drama]]. My mom says there's a lot of [[black people]] in Atlanta, so nothing of value will be lost once the Union reaches it.

During the [[The War of Northern Aggression|Civil War]], [[William Tecumseh Sherman|Asslanta was burned to the ground]]. It rose from the ashes 100 years later to provide the world with a haven for chinless douchebag refugees from cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Chicago, while also boasting the world's most godawful soul-sucking airport. After visiting Atlanta for more than a week, usually due to a layover at Hartsfield, most non-residents attempt to burn the city to the ground again.

==Atlanta Neighborhoods==

*Midtown - Where the [[Homosexual|queers]] live.
**1247 Holly - Homeless shelter for [[EFN]] members.
*Little Five Points - A place for hipsters, hippies, junkies, hobos, street musicians, and artsy fartsy people. A place to find overpriced "one of a kind" clothing, drink coffee, and get harassed by train kids as you walk anywhere in or near the square.
*Buckhead - Location of "Disco Kroger". Apparently in the 80's a disco club opened up next door to the Kroger Grocery Store, and every night around one in the morning when the club closed down, mass amounts of niggers tripping balls would shuffle into the store in search of gourmet fried chickenz, and watermelonz. Buckhead is also where the [[Conservatives]] live. There are also lots of h4wt AZN girls there.
**[http://www.theconcorde.org The Concorde] - Home of [[onefiftytwo]], Ludacris, and lots of [[IRL]] [[drama]].
*Decatur - Half of Decatur is inhabited by [[nigras]]. The other half is made up of middle class suburban families, and [[lesbians]]. [[user:Thefrizzlefry|Thefrizzlefry]] and [[User:Hooper_X|Hooper_X]] live here.
*Downtown - The [[homeless]], and malibran. Avoid at all costs, especially the Waffle House at Underground Atlanta after 10pm.
*Duluth - Basically "Little Korea*. Was once overly suburban, but starting to become polluted by [[mexicans]]
*East Cobb/Marietta - One of the richest areas in the state, [[lie|there are no nigras here]]
*Roswell - Extremely white suburban city. Great place to meet [[lolis]] that want to piss off mommy and daddy.
*South Atlanta, which encompasses anything below I-20 (Also known as Collie Parrrr, Eastpoint and MLK Dr.) - Nothing but black person, stay away, especially after DARK!
*North of 285 - Anything north of 285 is a fucking [[Mexican]], [[chink]], inhabited shithole.
**Norcross - the biggest heap of [[Mexico|spics]] in all of Atlanta with more then [[9000]] percent of its population being Hispanic.
**Smyrna - not that far behind Norcross as far as spic percentage goes. Sightseeing includes a black person store in the shape of a chicken. Locals think it's the best fucking thing ever.
**Johns Creek - Composed only of snobby, rich white people from New England and Korea. People in Johns creek rarely leave their gated neighborhoods, in fear that they might be attacked by negroes. Main attraction - Super H Mart, a Korean supermarket full of dead fish and Hentai.
*Alpharetta - Full of rich white people.
*Milton - Mostly rich white people, with some rich niggers, spics, and azns thrown in. They want to get away from all the poor black people and spics in Atlanta by forming a new county with all the other rich, mostly white cities.
*South of 285 - Nobody was sure what the fuck was south of the perimeter but some believe that it was a vast, arid wasteland of buttes, streams, rocks, [[Role-playing|Dungeons & dragons]] monsters and country ass [[white people]]. Some have even speculated that perhaps there was a gate that leads to an outside world of some kind with massive jungles, while others still believe that it leads to another piece of dreary, rain soaked shit called [[Florida]]. Come to find out all it was just another ghetto mother land called Clayton County. It appears that when the city of Atlanta tore down all the crack houses in College Park all the cockroaches ran south. Its helpful to take an Ebonics translation book with you if you need to go to pick up some [[Mexico|wetbacks]] to do some yard work. If you ever do find yourself south of 285, attempt to reach Peachtree City. PTC is the last bastion of white power, under siege from the black person. Be sure to bring fried chicken if you want to break through their lines.
*Woodstock - The only place in Georgia with no mud-people.
*Dekalb County - Bloated government run by [[Black People|Monkeys]]. Every three miles there is a library.
[[Image:aac451.jpg|typical atl resident|thumb|right]]

==Fun Things to do in Atlanta==
Take a ride on the city's metro transit system MARTA, which is actually an acronym for Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta.

Jaywalk (which is a victimless "crime" that only exists in pedestrian-hating North America), and then see how quickly Kevin Leonpacher beats you to death.

Get your ass thrown in the Gwinnett County jail and then see how quickly the guards brutally execute you when you politely ask them to tone down the anger.

Say anything about the real Georgia (the country), and no one will know what the fuck you're talking about because Americunts lack passports!

The Masquerade, a concert venue, makes every thursday night a freak show by hosting [[goth|80's night]]. The crowd is made up of [[faggots]], [[goths]]. [[ravers]] that didn't have any money (80's night requires a password, [[lolwut|not money]]), and some very irritated looking staff. It's always the same people, 90% of them have [[orgy|slept together]], which leads to some great [[irl]] [[kung fu|drama]].

[[stripper|The Clermont Lounge]] is home to some of the most [[do not want]] [[cumdumpsters]] in the entire state. Part strip club, part hotel ([[fail|GG Allin stayed so long that they named a room after him]]), and [[fact|one of the must visit landmarks of the city]]. Blondie being the main attraction of the club, she obviously [[lie|sets the bar high]] for the rest of the [[whore|girl]]s.

[[Adult Swim]] is based out of Atlanta, and is located next to Little 5 Points. This would probably be somewhat fun to visit, but [[fail|the staff and security won't let you inside]].

Walking around most neighborhoods at night will basically ensure you getting [[niggers|raped, shot, stabbed, or mugged]]. The [[cops]] will [[lie|be on the scene to help asap though]], except the evil Kevin Leonpacher.
[[Image:Web-blondie-0091.jpg|thumb|Blondie, the main [[cumdumpster|attraction]] of the Cleromont Lounge]]

==Atlanta and Drugs==

The streets of Atlanta, all of the fake Georgia really, are riddled with junkies and dealers. The most notorious neighborhood for crime, and [[shock|drugs]] is the Bluffs. Upon entering this cancer of society you'll have [[heroin|boy]] screamed at you from all directions. Because it's Atlanta any black person you meet on the street is either going to rob you, or sell you fake [[drugs]]. [[Meth]] is also a favorite among [[randi harper|locals]], due to it being made there. For some reason [[date rape|GHB]] has become a recent favorite, which makes that awkward step of finding the right time to slip it into your date's drink a thing of the past.

==Failed bullshit attempts to entertain the masses==
*Freaknik - A large gathering of [[African American]] youths to celebrate rap music, shiny car rims and "fuck some bitches while they at it" Some one finally got smart and flushed that toilet. Also known as "Nigga's Gawn Ghetto".
*ATL film it was actually based on a [[nigger|Black Guy's whole life story]] and how the school system is based on them [[Weed|Anti-420 plus the Southern hood up the hidden Bong!]] sometimes shown in VH1 or MTV2 just because they felt like it!
*Light up Atlanta - Since inbred hicks are easily mesmerized, they brought them in, let them sweat, let them drink shitty skunk beer, and turned on the office building lights at dusk. Millions died in the aftermath of Mary Joe Sue PorkFat Panties Creamer whipping out her massive, stretch marked tits in broad daylight. One person lost an eye due to Redneck Rhodes "Shootin' off some purty fireworks" opening day.
* [[Happy_Negro|Steve Harvey]] made a Tv Show and now hosts "Family Feud" like a Professional [[Poor_people|Blackie]] he only invites [[White Devils|White people]] into this show mainly to cover his [[Chikins|bullshit Afternoon Lunch that he get free food no pay EBT card]] that he did in [[Illinois]] and [[California]]
*Georgia Games - Actually were pretty okay, with games like "Yankee tossing", "Lasting longer than three seconds in missionary position" (still an impossible feat for most southern men in general), and the all-time favorite "Get that Skoal can out of my lubed-up ass"
*Pride Festival - The pride festival is a gathering of thousands of half dressed [[fags]] from Midtown trying to grab your [[cock]] spread the gay's and give you [[AIDS]] so steer clear of this celebration.
*The 1996 Summer Olympics - Nothing but a wall to wall ghetto bazaar, and finger pointing fiasco.
*Trying to the second "Hollywood" This is super [[shit|Bullshit because of walking Peach Zombies]] and the fact why studios are moving their asses away from [[nigger|Chocolatnta]]! This is because The amount of [[chocolate|Black people are sufficient to represent the amount of burrito makers compare to mexicunts]]!
*They are not the second [[California|California]], In fact these SOBS of [[redneck|Shotgun penis people]] will kick your ass if you [[Kill|a Proud LGBT member outside the Peachtree City, you will get shot like a mother fucker!]] Also, [[California|Cali has batshit earthquakes]]! Atlanta in the other hand, [[Hurricane|has these things next to Texas Tornados. But it's a whirlwind of bat shit at rare occasions]]!
*'''Warning: the Darkie DeKalb County cops will send a Redneck White man after your ass if you mention this and tase your ass!!''' [[Pissing|Troll]] these [[Wiggers|wannabe thugs off by saying]] that [[Peanut Butter Jelly Time|Jimmy Carter blvd is now lived by Taco people and that houses are worthless there now!]] Also, it leads to [[Africa|Tucker high School]] which used to be a white man School!
*[[Russia|Arseniy Avery or Tekkidd]] is a fucking [[Vagina|god]] in Atlanta, Which is why no [[Windows|nigger's Computer]] is safe from his timid [[Hacking|USB Skills of WaiFoo Book]]! [https://instagram.com/p/z3nE4nBlSC/ his Russian Soviet Big dick book in English!] Also, [[White_power|Horizons]] School of [[Holy_shit|Niggas and Gypsys]] but run by [[Redneck|White demons]] love him! He also a Suspected Pedo Weeaboo and a total Faggot!
* Why every Black guy you see in Gas station Acts like a dick in a QT, There are no more 7-11's due to the Harry's Market and Hindu Rioting in 2002! So, Yeah QTs are everywhere Thanks [[nigger|Shitheads]]! [http://rootsinalpharetta.com/2014/10/harrys-farmers-market-to-close-after-27-years/ proof of why no farmers market can fuck with Whole foods!] the Harry's closed and also, The actual Reason was an old riot but it was on AJC because the Owner was a Brother of [[Islam|an Afghan Allah Akhbar bastard]]!

==Other Residents==
*Citrus
*amyzon2313
*neuroxin
*vomitgirl
*old_age
*Fried Chicken, Purple Drink, and Menthol Cigarettes
*[[User:RickyFLDMS|RickyFLDMS]]
*[[xtex]]
*[[mikenatlga]]
*[[Mexicans]]
*[[Black People]]
*[[Hitler|Kevin Leonpacher]]
*[[Hell|Cop City]]
*[[Korea]]ns
*[[LARP]]ers
*[[User:050294|050294]]
*[[Clay Claymore]]
*[[User:Loldeadefg|Lol Dæd EFG]]
*More [[Black People]]

==How to piss someone from Atlanta off==
*Tell them [[Jew York City]] and [[Los Angeles]] is better.
*Call the blacks [[Nigger|"nigger".]]
*Tell the [[Mexico|Mexican]] [[Spics|spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!
*Suggest [[truth|building denser housing in the existing cities is a better idea than destroying the environment by committing deforestation for moar suburban sprawl]]
*Jaywalk in front of Kevin Leonpacher, then shout "rape!!" as he beats you to death.
*Say the [[Fact|real Georgia (the country) is better than the fake "Georgia" (a subnational division]]).
*Say [[Mussolini|Grady Judd]] (though he's also a retarded Nazi) is a better law enforcer than Kevin Leonpacher.
*Let your kids walk or cycle to school alone.
*Support extending the MARTA subway.
*Tell the residents of Gwinnett County that they're cowards whose fear of crime is irrational.
*Say NWA is better than Outkast.
*Support building Cop City.
*Call them [[Redneck|"rednecks".]] They get [[Butthurt|buttmangled]] over shit like that.

{{Afro}}

[[category:Locations]]
[[Category:Faggotry]]

BoycottMcDonalds.com

2026-04-06T01:17:25Z

Crow caw:

{{stub}}
{{needsmore|quotes from boycottmcdonalds.com}}
[http://www.boycottmcdonalds.com/ Boycottmcdonalds.com] is a site created by [[batshit insane]] [[fundies]] who found out McDonald's was sponsoring fags and thus destroying [[bullshit|American Christian wholesome family values]]. More recently, boycott of McDonald's have come from radical [[muzzies]] and [[transgender]] [[communists]] (many of whom are avowed atheists) who hate [[Israhell]] and support [[Palestine]].
[[Image:Japanese mcdonalds male.PNG|thumb|The [[gay|NEW]] Ronald McDonald]]
[[Image:Fag Shirts lolz.jpg|thumb|If this keeps up,[[god hates fags|these guys]] will become [[anorexia|skinny]].]]
[[Image:RonaldGroped.jpg|thumb|Ronald Mcdonald likes fags.]]
[[Image:Ed7ox.jpg|thumb|A Fundie being Liberated]]
<youtube>kE8mBDNRKbI</youtube>
([[Fact|You can't "mock" God by promoting teh gay if you have no idea that gayness is offensive to God. Despite what bloodthirsty pigs with badges claim, ignorance is a defence!]])
<youtube>g4baaPbScWU</youtube>
==Quotes from boycott Mcdonalds.com supporters==

{{quote|I believe that out of being uninformed, McDonald's has chosen to make this stand. [[Lie|I do not hate homosexuals]], and God does not hate homosexuals. But, He does hate the sin that they involve themselves in and just as Sodom and Gomorrah was judged for this same sin, so America and every person who condones it will be judged. God loves us just as we come to Him, but He also does not leave us as we come but He betters us. McDonald's will loose a lot of business behind this; my prayer is that you remember allegiance to the One who matters most...Almighty God!|Batshit insane fundie}}

{{quote|My Family and I have not been to McD since they gave support a few weeks ago WE WILL NOT GO TO MCD UNTIL THEY WITHDRAW SUPPORT|A typical Christian demonstrating how indiscriminately loving Christians are}}

{{quote|I'm very sorry to here ''[sic]'' that McDonalds supports the gay agenda. It was a great American restaurant, good for the whole family. I can't believe that they would rather support the 2% that makes up the faggots and not the 98% of the normal people|Typical [[Idiot|boycott McDonalds supporter]] expressing the views his strictly religious father/primary molester ingrained in his mind at a young age}}

{{quote|the next thing you know RONALD will be molesting our children. No big macks for this family.|lol pedophilia}}

{{quote|We also realize you used to have values. What happened. We will no longer visit your outlets. No more McDonalds. We have 10 children and 27 grandchildren. None of which will go to McDonalds again. Sorry you have taken this avenue in business|Typical [[Grammar nazi|Christon]]}}

==See Also==
* [[gay|Gay Agenda]]
* [[Homosexuality]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Christian]]
* [[Fundamentalist]]
* [[God Hates Fags]]
* [[Homophobia]]
* [[Moralfag|Moralfags]]
* [[insane|Batshit crazy]]
* [[Fucktards]]
* [[Food]]
* [[Fat]]
* [[Israel]]
{{sites}}
[[Category:Fandom Stuff]]
[[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

BoycottMcDonalds.com

2026-04-06T01:16:47Z

Crow caw: pissreel sucks arse

{{stub}}
{{needsmore|quotes from boycottmcdonalds.com}}
[http://www.boycottmcdonalds.com/ Boycottmcdonalds.com] is a site created by [[batshit insane]] [[fundies]] who found out McDonald's was sponsoring fags and thus destroying [[bullshit|American Christian wholesome family values]]. More recently, boycott of McDonald's have come from radical [[muzzies]] and []transgender]] [[communists]] (many of whom are avowed atheists) who hate [[Israhell]] and support [[Palestine]].
[[Image:Japanese mcdonalds male.PNG|thumb|The [[gay|NEW]] Ronald McDonald]]
[[Image:Fag Shirts lolz.jpg|thumb|If this keeps up,[[god hates fags|these guys]] will become [[anorexia|skinny]].]]
[[Image:RonaldGroped.jpg|thumb|Ronald Mcdonald likes fags.]]
[[Image:Ed7ox.jpg|thumb|A Fundie being Liberated]]
<youtube>kE8mBDNRKbI</youtube>
([[Fact|You can't "mock" God by promoting teh gay if you have no idea that gayness is offensive to God. Despite what bloodthirsty pigs with badges claim, ignorance is a defence!]])
<youtube>g4baaPbScWU</youtube>
==Quotes from boycott Mcdonalds.com supporters==

{{quote|I believe that out of being uninformed, McDonald's has chosen to make this stand. [[Lie|I do not hate homosexuals]], and God does not hate homosexuals. But, He does hate the sin that they involve themselves in and just as Sodom and Gomorrah was judged for this same sin, so America and every person who condones it will be judged. God loves us just as we come to Him, but He also does not leave us as we come but He betters us. McDonald's will loose a lot of business behind this; my prayer is that you remember allegiance to the One who matters most...Almighty God!|Batshit insane fundie}}

{{quote|My Family and I have not been to McD since they gave support a few weeks ago WE WILL NOT GO TO MCD UNTIL THEY WITHDRAW SUPPORT|A typical Christian demonstrating how indiscriminately loving Christians are}}

{{quote|I'm very sorry to here ''[sic]'' that McDonalds supports the gay agenda. It was a great American restaurant, good for the whole family. I can't believe that they would rather support the 2% that makes up the faggots and not the 98% of the normal people|Typical [[Idiot|boycott McDonalds supporter]] expressing the views his strictly religious father/primary molester ingrained in his mind at a young age}}

{{quote|the next thing you know RONALD will be molesting our children. No big macks for this family.|lol pedophilia}}

{{quote|We also realize you used to have values. What happened. We will no longer visit your outlets. No more McDonalds. We have 10 children and 27 grandchildren. None of which will go to McDonalds again. Sorry you have taken this avenue in business|Typical [[Grammar nazi|Christon]]}}

==See Also==
* [[gay|Gay Agenda]]
* [[Homosexuality]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Christian]]
* [[Fundamentalist]]
* [[God Hates Fags]]
* [[Homophobia]]
* [[Moralfag|Moralfags]]
* [[insane|Batshit crazy]]
* [[Fucktards]]
* [[Food]]
* [[Fat]]
* [[Israel]]
{{sites}}
[[Category:Fandom Stuff]]
[[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

McDonald's

2026-04-06T01:13:39Z

Crow caw: /* Decline */

[[File:Iwo McDonalds.jpg|200px|thumb|The taste of [[America|Freedom]].]]

'''McDonald's''' is a children's [[fast food]] restaurant where [[poor]] [[Oak And Cauldron|scum]] go to eat cheap, processed, greasy food. It is the official symbol of [[American]] [[fat|gluttony]]. McDonald's has established many [[terrorism|cells]] (called franchises) in countries across the world, where they continue to butcher innocent [[China|Chinese]] [[children]] with American poison, after which the bloated yellow carcasses are stripped of their delicious flesh and sold back into America as whats now known as ''Happy Meals''.

It should also be noted that [[ALL_CAPS|UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES]] [[Chris-Chan|should you take a girl to McDonald's for a first date]], you Jew.

[[File:McJesus.jpg|350px|thumb|He fried for our sins.]]

In light of the recent [[Ukraine|Pigkraine]] invasion, Mickey D's as well as other food companies that slowly kill the Americunt population on a daily basis, has pulled business from [[Russia]] to pwn Big [[Bad Vlad]].

==Super Size Me==
[[Image:Super Size Me box.jpg|150px|thumb|Note how well the dicks were [[shopped]] out of his mouth.]]
Long ago, [[Morgan Spurlock]] made a [[shit]] movie called ''Super Size Me'' about him being a [[fatass]] and eating nothing but super sized McDonald's food for a month. Immediately after seeing that, if eaten without moderation, [[Duh|McDonald's food is more unhealthy than it usually is]], they immediately [[Delete fucking everything|removed super sizing from the menu]]. Much [[butthurt]] was had by [[fat]] people worldwide, while simultaneously [[lulz]] were had by master troll Spurlock. At the moment of Spurlock's death, he revealed that Supersize Me [[Bill Clinton|had not been entirely truthful with the viewers]] and that he was secretly a heavy alcoholic his whole life and died of liver cancer as a result.

==They love niggers==
{{main|365Black.com}}
{{danquote|Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald's has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.|[[Douchebag|McD's PR shithead]]}}
McDonald's actually decided to celebrate its contribution to the 60% higher rate of [[Diabeetus|McDiabeetus]] in black communities by making [http://www.365black.com/365black/whatis.jsp this fucktarded website].

<center>{{fv|365Black Videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>w3a3pnd-mdk</youtube>
|<youtube>NWHXo3clywk</youtube>
|<youtube>dKpTgsuABZM</youtube>
}}</center>

==Decline==
McDonald's grew to become a fast food Goliath and was the #1 'restaurant' in the world. However, throughout the [[2000s]], profit started to slow down as the corporation started massively hiring illegal [[spics]] who [[retard|can't even speak English]] - let alone read the godam menu - until actually declining throughout the [[2010s]]; the result is that hundreds of McDonald's have closed down. Corporate has seen a fall in sales for 13+ quarters in a row. [http://www.cracked.com/article_22410_6-famous-companies-you-had-no-clue-were-dying.html] [http://money.cnn.com/2015/07/23/investing/mcdonalds-earnings-sales-down/] [http://www.nasdaq.com/article/mcdonalds-2016-revenues-to-decline-yoy-despite-improvement-to-pick-up-pace-thereafter-cm623673] [http://www.bakingbusiness.com/articles/news_home/Food-Service/2015/05/What_led_to_McDonalds_decline.aspx?ID=%7B0980ACCF-0AC7-476A-85B8-B0036028AB4B%7D]

As of [[2021]], [[Subway]] has more global locations than McDonald's.

==Notable "Incidents" that took place at a McDonald's restaurant==

* '''San Ysidro Massacre''': On July 18th, 1984, a 41-year-old batshit insane father-of-two named [[James Huberty]] rekt the shit out of all the illegal immigrants gorging on processed sloppy McDonald's crap in [[California|San Ysidro]] near the [[Mexico|Mexican]] border, [[Epic win|killing 21 ppl]] and [[Fucking idiot|wounding 19 moar]], reaching the all-time [[High Score]] for that year and thus qualifying for the ownership of the [[Golden iPod]] until 1991, when [[George Hennard|some pissed-off virgin and fan of his]] threw a truck into a restaurant and went [[Touhou]] on everybody who was drinking coffee at a Luby's resturant in [[Texas]].

* '''Taiwan bombings''': Between April 28/29th, 1992, [[Mario|a crazy plumber]] played [[Bomberman]] on seven McDonald's restaurants in [[Asia|Taiwan]], resulting in the death of a [[Mod|police officer]] and four other fags injured in the explosions. Every McDonald's restaurant in Taiwan was shut down for two days, and the [[You|fat fucks of Taiwan]] chucked a hissy-fit over it.

* '''Sydney River murders''': On May 7th, 1992, Three dudes broke into a McD's in [[Canada]] after closing hours [[Bullshit|with the only intention of robbing the establishment]]. Three n00bs were pwn'd and a fourth one was shot in the neck, [[Fail|but survived]]. She is now a [[Cripple]] [[ROFL|4 lyfe]]. The perpetrators were expecting to find [[OVER 9000|over $200,000]] in the restaurant's safe, but instead they only raked in [[Loser|$2,017]]. All three players were apprehended and are currently getting fucked by a pack of niggers in the slammer.

* '''Beating of [[Transgender|Chrissy Lee Polis]]''': On April 18th 2011, two [[Negress|shenigger baboons]] roaming around in Macca's in [[Maryland]] (not a country, you stupid US-centric shithead!) hunting for [[Fried chicken|fried chikinz]] sighted an unidentified moving object named "[[Wut|Chrissy]]" disguised as a lady trying to enter the women's restroom only to be spat on the face and slammed into the ground repeatedly. Upon hearing the commotion, McDonald's employees began recording and chanting "'''[[Worldstar Hiphop|WORLD STAR WORLD STAR]]!!!!11one!'''" Justice was served when "Chrissy" had a violent seizure and began to bleed from the mouth. One of the attackers was a 14-year-old niglet who has likely been killed/killed someone else by now, while the other was 19-years-old and is currently being held captive in the ape exhibit of the Maryland [[Prison|zoo]] because Murica loves imprisoning everyone. At the end of 2011, [[Oh noes|Howard County passed the protections for transgender people into county law]] because Murica loves emotional policymaking.

* '''[[Munich Massacre]]''': On July 22nd, 2016, an 18-year-old bullied mudslime by the name of David Sonboly scored nine kills and a further 27 injuries (4 by his shots) in a mass shooting half as [[EPIC|æpic]] as [[Tim Kretschmer]]'s chimpout in 2009. The massacre began within the vicinity of a McDonald's restaurant, and the shooter became [[An Hero]] the moment the polizei showed up at some random bike parking lot at mid-late 8 PM . R.I.P.

*'''[[Rick and Morty]] Sauce Incident''': Worst fanbase... Ever.

==Videos==
<center>{{fv|McDonald's Videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>OFayPSM3I-A</youtube><center>Because when you think McDonald's, the first thing that comes to mind is shitty dancing</center>
|<youtube>NdvO0tmNjGo</youtube><center>You know something's badass if it's advertised on shitty E.T. ripoffs</center>
|<youtube>QewlBXznb2g</youtube>
}}</center>

==Gallery==
{{Collapsegallery|McGallery|cg1|center|<gallery>
File:chicken-mcnugget-step-one-1447-1232141429-13.jpg|Chicken McNuggets about to be cooked
File:Mcchickenhead.jpg|Chicken McNuggets after being cooked
File:Mccheese.PNG|Is Mayor McCheese gonna hafta choke a bitch?
File:Ronaldgetspwnt.gif|Getting [[pwnt]] by the [[Burger King]]
File:Fatkids3sp.jpg|Americans LOL
File:Great Deeds Against the McDead.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Hamburgler.gif
File:Get a big, fat ass, absolutely free.jpg
File:RIP McDonald's.jpg
File:McDonalds Hitler.jpg|HITLER worked at mcdonalds you know -.-
File:High Ronald McDonald.jpg
File:Scary_Happy_Meal_.png
File:JokerMcDonald's.jpg|[[Why So Serious?|Y SO FATTENING?]]
File:RONALD WIFE BEATER.JPG|I'm lovin' it!
File:Mickeyd.gif
File:Holyfuck7.jpg|Typical McDonald's customers.
File:Rac.png|Mcdonald's will increase your bust size, and everything else.
File:McdonaldsAzns.jpg|Azns rikey the bigmac
File:McFlapps.jpg|McFlapps, when you just can't get any.
File:Ronaldm.jpg
File:11553_-_Birdie_the_Early_Bird_Grimace_McDonald's_Ronald_McDonald_mascots.jpg
File:Clown34.jpg
File:McDonalds Rule 34.png
File:naughtyronald.jpg|Where's your Happy Meal now?
File:Mcdonalds only one.png|Resistance is futile
File:McBench.jpg|Ronald getting some action
File:RonaldGroped.jpg|Even men turn him on. Ronald's expression says it all.
File:Habbo raid.jpg|The restaurant of choice for [[Nigra]]s.
File:Mcdriveby.jpg|[[Nigra]]s "rollin", in McD colours
File:burgerporn.jpg|A picture from McDonald's recent pornography line.
File:Ronaldmcdonald.gif
File:Pointing dick at old man.jpg|What to do when you don't have enough money to get [[food|hamburgers]].
File:Sakura McOwned.jpg|Which to hate MOAR, [[animu]] or Ronald...
File:Banksy_Feeling5.jpg|Can't beat the feeling
File:Thanks_McDonalds.jpg|Suck it, Jarred.
File:BernieMac.jpg|BernieMac. This picture was taken right before his death.
File:trynewanusburger.jpg|Try the new Anus Burger
File:RonaldSexChange.jpg|If you wanted to be an old woman, Ron, you could have at least paid for decent plastic surgery.
File:Customers.jpg|[[Gentlemen]]
File:Oh_Hi.jpg|The Real Ronald McDonald
File:PennywiseMcdonald.jpg|[[Pennywise]] abortin babies in ur McDonald's
File:Nigzinheat.jpg|[[Sup Dawg]] we heard u like McDonalds....
File:First_Date_Fail.png|[[Fail]] date is fail
File:InuRonald6fw.jpg|[[Inuyasha]] does not want a Happy Meal.
File:McCommie's.png|The People's Republic of Mickey D's
File:Michael_Jackson.jpg|The truth about [[child molester|Ronald McDonald]] kids!
File:Zommarimcdonald.jpg|BANZAI MCDONALD-SAMA!
File:Mcdonaldsshooting.jpg|A satisfied McDonalds customer.
File:Charles_Ramsey_Superman.jpg
File:Charles_Ramsey_McDonalds_Twitter.jpg|[[Charles Ramsey]] is made for life in the BigMac stakes...
File:Charles_Ramsey_Put_Down_The_McDonalds.jpg
File:11368509177367sh.gif
File:Crankyronald2if2bn.gif
File:Mcdonalds333.jpg
File:Ronald McAsso.jpg
File:McDonalds Niggaaa.jpg
File:Mcdonalds cunt.jpg
File:McHit It.jpg
File:RonaldMcHitler2.jpg
File:Mcdonalds base.jpg
File:Ronaldangry.jpg
File:J11.jpg|McJuggalos
File:Ronald McDonald Tarot Magician.jpg
File:Foodfightsmall.jpg
File:Blonde.jpg
File:Ronald classic.jpg
File:Caulk.JPG
File:McDonalds Employees Worth 15 Dollars Hr Wage.jpg
File:Angie-mcd.jpg
File:ROBNDON.JPG
File:McDonalds cat.gif
File:Mcnigger-kfcnumber2.jpg
File:Growth-hormones-demotivational-poster.jpg
File:PurpleDrank.jpg
File:Ronald Ogborn2.jpg
File:McDick.jpg
File:The kids would love this guy.jpg
File:Big Mac with a side of freedom.jpg
File:Ronald McDonald, rodeo clown.PNG
File:mcpedo.jpg
File:mcpedo2.jpg
File:McCrucified.jpg
File:Virgin McMary.jpg
File:McGangBang.png
File:McDonald's anime girl.jpg
File:EXTREME NUMBER 1.jpg|[[Do it fgt|BUY IT FGT!]]
File:McDonalds_Jihad_Is_Over.jpg
File:Mcdonalds_im_lovin_it.jpg
File:Mcdonald's_out_of_"boy_toys".jpg
File:Madnuggets.jpg
File:Japanese mcdonalds female.PNG
Image:McDonalds Nigger Unsurance.jpg|[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seriously_McDonalds Seriously McDonalds]
File:RANRANRU.gif|[[Japan|Japanese]] McDonald's favorite past-time used in [[YTPMV]] videos.
</gallery>|border=#d62718|color=#fdc92b}}

==See also==
[[File:Hellonigra.jpg|thumb|200px|right|A tasteful ''[[Hello Kitty]]'' [[Plastic crap|Happy Meal toy]].]]
* [[365Black.com]]
* [[BoycottMcDonalds.com]]
* [[Fast Food|Fast food]]
* [[Fry Guy]]
* [[Louise Ogborn]]
* [[Mac Tonight]]
* [[McMansion]]
* [[McPedo]]
* [[Moon Man]]
* [[Morgan Spurlock]]
* [[The McNugget Burgler]]
* [[Tendies]]
*[[Smug Wendy's|Wendy's]]
{{Food}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[Category:Fat]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:America]]
[[Category:Animal Abuse]]
{{Timeline|Featured article March 10 and 11, [[2022]]|[[VolunteersForUkraine]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Russia Today]]}}

{{timeline|Featured article May 25 and 26, [[2023]]|[[Sexual Harassment]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Jeffrey Dahmer]]}}

Glenn Beck

2026-04-06T01:11:14Z

Crow caw: nigga

{{spoiler|[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/22/glenn-beck-fox-news-mistakes_n_4643537.html GLENN BECK ADMITTED HIS IDIOCY PLAYED A ROLE IN DIVIDING AMERICA]}}

[[Image:Jaredleeloughner.jpg‎|thumb|left|Glenn Beck]]
[[Image:GlennBeckRaped.jpg‎|thumb|It doesn't have to be true, just keep [http://gb1990.com/ repeating it] until everyone agrees ]]
[[Image:Cartman_11-12b.jpg|thumb|The libertarian douchebags at [[South Park]] couldn't even make a lulzy parody of this faggot.]]
[[File:Mortondowneyjr.jpg|thumb|The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CofhbZMmBnw batshit insane right wing asshole faggot] Beck took his act from.]]
'''Glenn Beck''' is Satan's mentally challenged younger brother. He is also the conservative version of [[Michael Moore]]. He is batshit insane, alcoholic, drug addicted [[Mormon]] as well as an inept TV and radio host. He was first discovered by a [[CNN]] executive, giving blow jobs in the men's room for spare change, looking for a Conservative [[troll]] to throw into the network's left-leaning mix to shake things up but ended up meeting a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board while riding the rails in a boxcar, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show. He also has [[ADHD]], which you would never know by watching his program. Ironic considering Glenn is a member of the anti-medication crusade and believes ADHD is a myth invented by [[conspiracy theory|Big Pharma]]. Cough...

Glenn Beck is often assumed to be a real person but he is, in fact, a character conceived of and portrayed by [http://alfredpeachous.com/ Alfred Peachous], a well-regarded Canadian satirical theater actor.

Because of his homosexual obsession with [[Bill O'Reilly|Papa Bear O'Reilly]], Glenn Beck frequently appears on the latter's show to rant and rave incoherently for the [[lulz|unintentional amusement]] of millions of viewers, never guessing his idol and [[yaoi|one true love]] O'Reilly is a sadist who just loves it when Glenn makes a total ass out of himself to boost ''The O'Reilly Factor'''s ratings.

Once thought to be merely masquerading as a [[Libertarian]] bitching about government and raves about statism, often flying into epic fits of megalomaniac premenstrual failure that would make even [[Inmendham]] blush.

Beck frequently likes to draw incoherent, often misspelled charts on blackboards to pretend that he's a college professor, <s>despite the fact that he never went to college and is an uneducated retard</s>. '''Disregard that. Professor Beck just [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5nUf-Qtf8Y opened his own university]'''. Naturally his audience, primarily comprised of simple-minded motherfuckers who spend their days playing with the shunts in their heads, cheerleading the relentless onslaught of the corporate hegemon which will eat them first, and staring at colours and shapes, are too fucking retarded and lazy to go on the internet and research facts, so they just take his word on anything and everything. None of his opinions make even the slightest shred of sense or even come across as [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|anything other]] than [[Moonspeak]], although he (like so many other failures at life) has a legion of [[fangirls]], mostly evangelical christian retards, who hang on his every unintelligible word.

Glenn is a professional cunt, as is everyone on every cable news station, and while this means he should be generating [[lulz]] by [[pwn|pwning]] others, he more frequently pwns himself, as on his February 28, 2007 show, when he [[I came|came on]] to ''US Weekly'''s Dina Sansing during their discussion about nude photos of some ''[[American Idol]]'' cunt face. He has [http://mediamatters.org/items/200611150004 accused] the USA's first elected [[Muslim]] Congressman, Keith Ellison, of being an [[Al Qaeda]] operative simply because he is Muslim, and once called [[Rosie O'Donnell]] a [http://mediamatters.org/items/200703220010 "fat witch"]. Although [[true]], both of these statements were still uncalled for because they originated from such a moronic jackass.

Even exponentially more lulzy was his recent attempt to seem like he has actual feelings by crying on the air when speaking of how much he loves his country, which some have said was just an act, although [[Stephen Colbert]] insists it was real, because someone on cable news has to recognize just what an idiotic boob Glenn Beck really is.

[[TL;DR|TL;DR]]: Dude is pretty much a [[Nazi|Nazi]] '''who raped and murdered a girl in 1990''' (see below).

==Typical Beck==
<center>{{fv|id|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold; |
<youtube>CHpe2fapREA</youtube> |
<youtube>wGM3eMMYWos</youtube> |
<youtube>sRohgYwzRMU</youtube>@23:2|
<youtube>zNvLOMit_Hg</youtube> }}</center>

==Choice Quotes==
Glenn Beck is positively [[DOUBLE NIGGER|chock full]] of weird, wacky, and just plain [[facepalm|god-fucking-awful]] soundbytes he's spouted over the years. Here's a sampling:

<center>{{frame|{{morphquote|beckquote|background-color: White; width: 500px; height: 200px;|font-weight: bold;
|Now, I'm no expert...|Glenn Beck's personal slogan.

|I'm not perfect|Glenn Beck on the obvious.

|Get off my phone! Get off my phone, you little pinhead! I don't care? 'You people don't care about the trillions of...' [[UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY|GET OFF MY PHONE!]] I'm gonna lose my mind today!|

|[[Cindy Sheehan]] is a lulzy politician and mother of dead soldier.|Stating the obvious in the worst way possible, August 15th, 2005.

|[[Al Gore]]'s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization.|Intelligently discussing [[Global Warming|carbon emissions]].

|You know what you’ve done? You are an insult to George Washington, sir!|Beating out every stupid thing he has ever said [http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/encounter/55857/ in his own pathetic life].

|[[BAWWW|WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!]]|Every single show, without fail.}}|border=white|background=white}}
</center>

==The 1990 [[rape]] accusations==
[[Image:Hitler_glenn_beck_and_oj_simpson.jpg|thumb|[[OJ Simpson]] got nathan on Glenn Beck.]]
Recent information has surfaced that has linked Beck to a string of rape-murders back in 1990.
The controversial talk host would not comment on the accusations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 while consuming alcohol and cocaine in great amounts. It was demanded Beck release his sealed criminal record, but has since failed to do so.

In light of these accusations, the 19/90 project was born, determined to get the info out and get Glenn Beck to release his sealed criminal record. The accusations were so credible, that all of the Glenn Beck Show's sponsors [http://www.marketwatch.com/story/advertisers-deserting-fox-news-glenn-beck-2009-08-14 pulled their ads] leaving him without a single advertiser and resulting in $600,000 in lost revenue each week.

In response to the [http://glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com/ glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com] site (now known as http://gb1990.com/) exposing the facts as we know them, Glenn Beck got his [[Lawyer|bobblehead friends]] to file a [[Copyright_infringement|copyright]]/trademark/[[Bawwwww|bullshit]] [http://www.scribd.com/doc/19522393/Complaint complaint] asserting he was way too cool to be subject to such [[satire]], resulting in much wider exposure of his controversial past.

===RAPE WAS THE CASE THAT THEY GAVE ME===
May 10, 1990, 11 year old Robin Cornell and her 32 year old babysitter, Lisa Storey were found beaten, raped, and smothered to death in Cape Coral, Florida. Police are now interviewing local detectives to re-open the case, but if they don't find any new leads by the end of the year it will be closed. They are also looking into airing an episode on Americas Most Wanted. This town desperately needs your help in solving this case.

Beck was also linked to the rape and murder of seven-year old Margaret Shrader in Harris County, Texas in 1990.

The story has hit the media:

<del>http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-323336</del> deleted

===Take Action===
Here's what you do:
#Post the info FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
#Set links to other sites (so google can index it)
#???
#Profit

Go [[youtube]] on his ass:

:1: Download this vid http://rapidshare.com/files/273665044/glennbeckisdead.m4v
:2: Post on YouTube, naming it Glenn Beck - In loving Memory
:3: ?
:4: Break even.

====Contact Glenn Beck====
Please fill out this form and contact Beck[[mailto:glennbeck@foxnews.com]] to come clean about what REALLY happened in 1990 and whether he raped and killed a young girl.

{| class="wikitable" border="1"
|- style="width:75%; height:200px" border="1"
| I, (insert name), am formally asking you to refute the claim that you viciously raped and murdered a girl in 1990. I have yet to see solid evidence for these claims, but I also have not seen you come out to dismiss them.

I am concerned, for if this is true, I do not think you should be on the air. Please, I ask you to come out about this and dismiss these allegations on your show, as the Internet is buzzing about this horrible act, that I HOPE is not true.

I look forward to seeing this dismissed on an upcoming show. Thank you.
|-
|}

===glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com===
{{tinyquote|The disclaimer accordingly explains the thrust of the website’s joke in terms that '''should be understandable, even by morons in a hurry'''. But this bears only on the issue of whether the parody is funny, not on its legitimacy as nominative fair use.|http://gb1990.com}}

[[Image:Glenn_beck_rape_and_murder.png|thumb|300px|[[Lolsuit]] denied]]
In late 2009 Glenn Beck took '''glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com''''s owner [[lolsuit|to court]] for defamation and [[attention whore|'brand name']] intellectual property infringement, arguing that [[derp|hapless]] web surfers would confuse glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com as an official Glenn Beck site. This pathetic attempt to censor the Internets and whitewash the evidence against Beck as a rapist and murderer ultimately went to arbitration where his motion was [http://gb1990.net/legal/solution/WIPO/Decision%20D2009-1182.doc DENIED!] by the WORLD INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY ORGANIZATION ARBITRATION AND MEDIATION CENTER ( [[forced meme|aka NAMBLA]] ).

However, the altruistic folks at glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com decided to make a gift of the domain name to crybaby Beck and set up a mirror site at DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com (aka http://gb1990.com/).

===Radio-Show trolling===
This audio clip of him being [[troll|accused of being a murderer]] on his [[:File:Beckradio090902.mp3|radio show]]. Unfortunately, the clip is not very lulzy.

Theres a [[shit|site]] where people can spread this [http://gb1990.com rumor] and a [http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=111216842254 Facebook group] for [[lemon party|coordination]]

==Gallery of Rape==
{{cg|Gallery|beck1|center|<gallery>
Image:Glennbeckraep.jpg| He IS gonna rape you.
Image:Einsteinlackofproof.jpg| Einstein's prophetic equation foretold the Beck rape saga.
Image:Glennbeckraep2.jpg| Beck admitting to the rape.
Image:1990.JPG‎| Damning Evidence
Image:Mtherforciblychurchsign.jpg‎| Everyone wants to know, even God.
Image:Raepchange.png| Rape, we can believe in.
Image:Raepgraph.png| SCIENCE! Weighs in - Beck projected to rape even MORE next year.
Image:Beckrapebumpersticker.jpg‎| Its 1990 girl, have you been raped by Glenn Beck yet?
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:B-b-b-ut she said yes.jpg|Negras are hard to understand, amirite?
Image:WOFguesswho.jpg‎| Why does Vanna White look so scared?
Image:1990project.png| The 19/90 Project - Get the info out!
Image:Comecleanglenn.jpg|[[mailto:glennbeck@foxnews.com|Contact]] Glenn Beck to come clean!
Image:GlennBeckPoliceReport.jpg|The police report.
Image:1990rapepics.jpg|"I did it for the lulz"
Image:Glennbeckmugshot.jpg|Mugshot of Glenn Beck after being arrested on charges of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990.
Image:Gbmurder.jpg|Glenn Beck in action!
Image:Murderrape.jpg| Glenn Beck showing us the tools of the trade.
Image:Gbwormer.jpg| Dean Wormer telling it like it is.
Image:Boxofrape.jpg| Oh, Goody! My shipment has arrived!
Image:Gbwanted.jpg| He truly is history's greatest monster!
Image:Warninglabel.jpg| Achtung! Achtung! Der Vergewaltiger ist los!
Image:Gbjustice.jpg| Glenn Beck raping and murdering Lady Justice!
Image:GlennBeckCocksucker.gif|INVISIBLE PENIS
</gallery>}}

==Glenn Beck's Life So Far==

[[Image:pricelessfiles.jpg|thumb|right|300px|Glenn Beck protects his [[CP|priceless files]]]]

The great tragedy of Glenn Beck's life (and even more so of ours) is that his mother [[truth|killed herself]] by jumping into a lake from a boat after giving birth to him instead of before. Legend has it that he drove her to consume [[at least 100|entire bottles]] of pills just by talking to her at the dinner table one night.

Following this delicious swig of human tragedy, Glenn became a shit-faced [[drunk]] and a serial fondler of fat women, admitting later that he did this because the fat women reminded him of his mother, whom he'd always wanted to have [[OH GOD BILL|meaty, sweaty sex]] with. Mama Beck had been morbidly obese as a result of all of the heavy drinking and compulsive eating she had done three years after giving birth to Glenn when he first began to speak and she realized what a raging asshole had come out of her [[pussy]].

<center><youtube>AJkxBLgd5Hs</youtube></center>
And no, that's not Biff from Back To The Future. That's Glenn. I'm serious

After years of drinking and fondling and crying like a bleeding vagina, and a brief period in the 80's where he got heavily into [[cocaine]], sucking dicks made of used syringes in dumpsters full of bloody diapers filled with razor blades, as well as underage Arab boy-whores, he finally found [[Jesus]], who appeared to him in the form of [[Ronald Reagan]], offering Glenn his own radio show in exchange for his first-born child and two hours of [[analingus]] every Sunday. Little did Glenn know that Reagen also was a [[Basement_dad|rapist]] who had 10 sessions a day of BDSM with Beck's daughter, causing her [[retard|cerebral palsy]], proving that Glenn Beck can't do anything right, including how to make a baby.

And we will never forget that '''Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.''' ('''Though there are some who believe that he murdered THEN raped a girl in 1990'''). It is generally believed that the girl was Gilbert Gottfried's daughter, though others contend it was Bob Saget's. Either way, it is known that '''Glenn Beck both raped and murdered a girl in 1990'''.

Glenn often claims to be [[Mormon]], but this is only because he wants a life of [[polygamy]], [[incest]] and [[CP|underage poontang]]. He consistently maintains all people from [[Africa]] (including American [[nigra|black people]]) lack souls and go straight to Hell when they die, as all Mormons do. Occasionally he still [[Chris Hansen|trolls for boy cock]] on the [[Internet]], even though this often causes the ghost of Reagan to become insanely jealous to the point where he sometimes "forgets" to wipe his ass before "church".

<center><youtube>bX1rLv_hNeI</youtube></center>

==People Who Like Glenn Beck==
Besides being far and few between, people who like Beck are often very much just like him. They often masquerade as people who seem to know what they're talking about, when in fact they have no idea what the hell is going on.

{{quote|Personally, though, I like the guy. I don't get to listen to him that often b/c he's on while I'm at work, but I did catch a little of his show today. He was saying that people should check the facts on the shows they watch and not just [[Irony|become mindless zombies who take what the media says as gospel]]. I like that.|Some Woman, not taking Beck's advice}}

Novel idea Beck. But if people did that, they would "check the facts" on your show and realize...
Oh shit, there aren't any.

===[[Colbert]]===
{{quote|The 9/12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it.|Stephen Colbert}}

Beck's only true [[fanboi]] is [[Stephen Colbert]]. So moved by Beck's [[9/12]] project, Colbert was inspired to [[troll|pay tribute]] and promote it on his own show.

==Beck VS Ron Paul/Libertarians/Randroids etc etc==
<center><youtube>Eg8M2JBIoqo</youtube></center>

On November 12th, 2007, Glenn Beck implied that any person who supports [[Ron Paul]] is a [[terrorist]] -- even though Ron Paul is ''not'' a terrorist, merely a failure, and the shortest man ever born in [[Texas]]. The real amusement comes from the fact that these are probably now the two most popular [[Conservatives| Conservatives]] in America, and they obviously hate each other, as each is so helplessly wrapped up in his own ego that he cannot even see that he is [[pissing]] on his own party. Even more outrageous is the [[fact]] that they are both secretly [[Jews]] and therefore responsible for [[9/11]], the derangement of modern media and the [[bailout plan|current economic crisis]], which is really just an attempt to deflate all the world's currency and thereby increase the value of the precious [[Jew Gold]].

==The 9-12 Project==
What Beck considers his greatest achievement (that is to say, his greatest failure), is his "9-12 Project", which is supposed to bring back the feelings that "[[you|we]] all had" the day after [[9/11]], the greatest made-for-TV-movie of all time. According to Beck, on 9-12, everything was totally groovy, and we should all get back to that day when we actually gave a shit for once. Despite the fact that on 9/12 people were pissing themselves with fear of another attack. Adult diapers sale flew (pun intended) up on 9/12.
He also openly admits he hates the victims of 9/11 so he is not doing this for their sake, but to make himself look more patriotic. Hating his own president, [[711chan|promoting rebellion]], calling for violence on [[Nancy Pelosi|political leaders]] and hating his countries terrorist attack victims proves this whole project is just [[unwarranted self importance]]. He does not give a shit about America, just [[Dumbfuckistan]].

<center><youtube>rM4xqnukQrM</youtube></center>

<center>The key word here being ''allegedly.''</center>

'''The 9 Principles'''

*Math is for liberal, fat pussies.

*[[America]] is the HNIC or Head Nigga In Charge. Built by stupid white men and for stupid white men only.

*[[Donald Trump]] is the one true [[God]], and his sphincter tastes like marzipan.

*It is hard not to be more honest tomorrow when you lied so much yesterday.

*Moms should be fat and kill themselves.

*Niggers are rowdy, hate working, and will always steal from you. [[Obama]] included, as he is a rowdy nigger who wants to steal from you.

*The very existence of public transit, walking and cycling options are an assault on MUH FREEDUMB to pollute the planet in my lifted pickup truck that I am entitled to park in the centre of downtown.

*All taxes are just rowdy nigger shenanigans, unless they get spent exclusively on prisons, wars and fossil fuel subsidies.

*It is un-American to give your money away to rowdy welfare niggers.

*The more I repeat rowdy nigger and communist as loud as I can, the more of a point I have just made.

*When you're white, everything is awriiiiight!

'''The 12 Values'''

*Analingus

*Propaganda

*Killing mom

*Ranting

*Raving

*Crying

*[[Faux News]]

*Fondling

*Fail

*Butthurt

*Tantrums

*Jiveass Baloney

The main rhetorical device employed in convincing us of this program for a more corporate, dope-addled and gun crazy America is crying like a big pussy, or at least seeming to.

==Glenn Beck: Ja Tvoi Rabotnik?==
Though he often seems to exhibit what humans generally term "emotions" there is a chance that he may be a golem, or killer Jewish [[Evangelion|battlebot]], whose [[cp|true motivations]] are known only to the [[Jews]], a crafty and secretive people who pretend to be ineffectual neurotics only so that they will be underestimated by the rest of the world. Why anyone would engineer a salad-tossing, child-molesting cretin is anybody's guess, but the [[Jews]] are a very sneaky and intelligent species, and nothing is beyond them. If they can convince the world that the [[Holocaust]] actually happened, they could certainly have made Glenn Beck in one of their many secret labs.

==Get Off My Phone==
At the end when he calls her a pinhead I swear to god I thought he was the Penguin or some shit, wtf.
<center><youtube>-n3QeHtSOfM</youtube></center>

Maybe Glenn knews [[Then who was X|who "phone" was]] after all.

<center><youtube>7XzM7t6FNJo</youtube></center>
Round 2, [[fact|he wants you off his phone to rape you and 4 year olds.]]

==The 2009 Frog Murder==

In a 2009 show, Glenn Beck compared white America to a [[Rosie O'Donnell|slimy amphibian]] and then threw it into boiling water, this was some kind of analogy to describe Obamacare but it failed when the frog refused to jump out of the boiling water, and content itself with dying on the live show. Nevertheless, animal abuse is a pattern among serial killers and helps establish the fact that Glenn Beck DID [[Fact|RAPE AND MURDER A YOUNG GIRL IN 1990]]. The frog refused to come out of the boiling water screaming "Don't touch me you black hating, tea party making, young girl raping douche!" After the show was over, Beck pulled out the frog and sodomized his green ass. How this evil animal killer hasn't been arrested for poaching we'll never know.

<center><youtube>btpZ1UnGBaI</youtube></center>

By the way, the old cliché Glenn was thinking of is actually about a frog '''in a frying pan''', not boiling water. Ha ha, whoops.

==Not all [[incest]] is wincest!==
<center><youtube>vzbjQFe46FE</youtube></center>
A dramatic reenactment of Beck's memoirs, "The Real America." (Moar liek "The Real [[Josef Fritzl|Austria]]" amirite?)

== He tells it like it is. He's a Complete NutJob==
<center><youtube>H2sLGK4dERE</youtube></center>
The only untrue thing he says here is that he is noteworthy enough to ever show up in a history text book.

<center><youtube>FxJBJjj4_qw</youtube></center>

==Glenn Beck Gets Great Justice?==
Glenn Beck recently announced that he "[[almost raped|might]] go blind next year" due to something called "[[fapping|macular dystrophy]]". Naturally, he announced this using his usual MO: [[BAW|BAAAWWWing]] in public and making sure he offended as many people as possible (in this case, those already blind) while taking the opportunity to bash [[Obamacare]]. No word on whether this was due to his raping of a young girl in 1990 or from masturbating too furiously over pics and recordings of himself. We can only hope that this is one prophecy of Glenn's that isn't complete [[bullshit]]. It would be a first. It's also too bad he isn't going deaf, dumb and dead too, but it's a start. In reality, this is probably just another Glenn Beck ploy to [[Messiah Complex|appear more godly]] as he "struggles" and "battles" with this horrible infliction which will eventually be defeated by divine intervention, because -as he constantly reminds us- he has been chosen by the [[Allah|the big guy himself]] to save us from ourselves -and [[Socialism]].

<center>'''Glenn Beck: Playing Blindness For The Lulz'''</center>

<center><youtube>7fWTeY1L-ps</youtube></center>

==The Gathering of the [[Juggalos|Blackshirts]]==
[[File:828project.jpg|left|frame|Official Poster of the Event]]
[[File:Glenn.beck.lincoln.rally.heil.jpg|thumb|250px|Heil!]]
{{quote|[[truth|Martin Luther King, Jr. was just some butthurt nigger.]]|Glenn Beck}}
On August 28th, 2010 in Washington DC, Glenn Beck threw a party of [[fail|epic proportions]] at the feet of [[Abraham Lincoln]] where he raped and sacrificed (possibly sacrificed and raped) a young girl to God Almighty...the same God that has given Professor Beck [http://rawstory.com/rs/2010/0421/beck-god-gave-me-a-plan/ The Plan]. Unfortunately, [[old media]] has refused to cover this part of the rally so that Beck can continue cashing in on his [[obvious troll|huge success.]] Regurgitating the same bullshit he barks on the [[Old Media|radio, TV, Books, Books on Tape, Seminars, Public Speeches, and live telecasts into movie theaters]], only in a very special place: The Lincoln Memorial. Niggers were butthurt because Beck reserved this spot before they did for the [[SNCA|48th Anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "I Have a Dream Speech]]. As an added lulz, special guests included [[Sarah Palin]], [[loldongs|Dick Armey]], [[Batshit Insane|Michelle Bachman]], St. Louis Cardinals first baseman [[Steroids|Albert Pujlos]] and team manger [[Old|Tony La Russa]].

{{quote|The plan that [[pretty cool guy|eH]] would have me articulate, is get behind [[Me]] -- and I don't mean 'me,' I mean Him. [[mantrain|Get behind Me. Stand behind Me]].|Perfessor Beck}}

Any similarities between Professor Beck's The Plan and [[Mein Kampf]] are purely coincidental. As is the fact that this date is the anniversary of [[Martin Luther King]]'s landmark '''"I have a dream(sickle)"''' [[Civil Rights]] speech at those very feets.

==Beck/Palin 2012==

{{stub}}
[[File:Sarah-palin-glenn-beck.jpg|thumb|You know you love it]]
[[File:Palinbeck2012.jpg|thumb|left|[[SFB]]]]
[[File:Beck_palin.jpg|thumb|left|Be afraid...be '''very''' afraid]]
[[File:Palin-beck_button.jpg|thumb|You will [[shit bricks]]]]
[[File:Alg_palin_beck.jpg|thumb|left|Palin and Beck at Glenn Beck's Nuremberg Rally]]
[[File:Palin-beck_2012.gif|thumb|''See Also'': [[ego]].]]

'''Palin/Beck''' is the unholy union of [[Sarah Palin]] and her [[BFF]] fanboi [[Glenn Beck]] (or visa versa) that [[Teabaggers]] and [[Randroids]] pray to [[God]] for [[wet dream|every night]] to run for [[president|office]] in [[2012]] to wrestle back the [[USA]] from the evil [[Commie]] state that [[The Jewnited States]] has become after two years of tyrannical rule under [[Comrade Obama]].

[[Some argue]] that the [[Mayans]] predicted this horrendous coupling when they compiled their calendar that avers that the world will indeed end in [[2012]] when they -obviously- get elected by the retarded masses in America.

This [[creepypasta|horrific scenario]] could only get any worse if these two children of Satan mated and spawned millions of little Gremlin [[teabaggers]]. That said, seeing as Glenn Beck is a drug-addled alky and Sarah Palin is hawt if you're wearing [[goggles|beer goggles]], it's only a matter of time.

==Vidyas==

<center><youtube>tMO_h_ZK0Mk</youtube></center>

==Gallery of a Madman==
{{cg|Gallery|Beck2|center|<gallery>
Image:KomradBeck.jpg|Glenn Beck now calls himself Comrade and is infatuated by [[Karl Marx|old school Bolshevism]] after his psychiatrist tryied a new combination of pills for his ADHD.
Image:Glenn beck fails.png|Glenn Beck fails at everything.
Image:BeckFrogbook.jpg‎| This time its safe to judge a book by its cover.
Image:Beck4prez.png|Incumbent President Professor Glenn Beck. Notice bright-eyed supporter in front.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Beck-koolaid n.jpg ‎
‎File:Beck tinfoil.jpg ‎
Image:BeckHypnosis.gif |Conservatives gearing up to tackle the Obama crisis.
Image:Glennbecknazi.jpg |Der Scheiße Führer.
Image:Glennhiltonperezbeck.jpg‎ | Glenn Hilton or Perez Beck? Either way, that's one fat faggot!
Image:Naked-beck.jpg |Glenn Beck hearts Mugwump jism.
File:Cartman-beck.jpg
File:MadHatterBeck.jpg
File:GlenBeckHatter.jpg
File:BeckmaskSMALL-1.jpg
File:Glenn beck retarded crying.png
</gallery>}}

==See Also==
*[[Bill O'Reilly]]
*[[Caiden Cowger]]
*[[Douchebag]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Faux News]]
*[[Hal Turner]]
*[[Mark Levin]]
*[[Michael Savage]]
*[[Palin/Beck]]
*[[Ron Paul]]
*[[Rush Limbaugh]]
*[[Sarah Palin]]

==Resources==
*[mailto:webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com glenbeck912project]
*[http://www.glennbeck.com/ glennbeck.com]
*[http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/ foxforum]
*[http://DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com]
*[http://gatsome.com/2009/09/01/glenn-beck-raped-and-murdered-a-girl-in-1990/ gatsome with link to this very page]
*http://unreasonablysafe.com/2009/09/01/beckrape/
*http://www.deathblow.org/
*[http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/255332 Glenn Beck on South Park]
*[http://glennbeckinsults.com/wordpress/images/ rape and murder 1990 images]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn9MbQscz1w Asking Sarah Palin 'Why do I hear your voice? I'm not in the kitchen.']
{{foxnews}}
{{Mediawhores}}
{{Television}}
{{gayrepublicans}}
{{RapeSeries}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:Memes]]

Glenn Beck

2026-04-06T01:09:16Z

Crow caw: /* The 9-12 Project */

{{spoiler|[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/22/glenn-beck-fox-news-mistakes_n_4643537.html GLENN BECK ADMITTED HIS IDIOCY PLAYED A ROLE IN DIVIDING AMERICA]}}

[[Image:Jaredleeloughner.jpg‎|thumb|left|Glenn Beck]]
[[Image:GlennBeckRaped.jpg‎|thumb|It doesn't have to be true, just keep [http://gb1990.com/ repeating it] until everyone agrees ]]
[[Image:Cartman_11-12b.jpg|thumb|The libertarian douchebags at [[South Park]] couldn't even make a lulzy parody of this faggot.]]
[[File:Mortondowneyjr.jpg|thumb|The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CofhbZMmBnw batshit insane right wing asshole faggot] Beck took his act from.]]
'''Glenn Beck''' is Satan's mentally challenged younger brother. He is also the conservative version of [[Michael Moore]]. He is batshit insane, alcoholic, drug addicted [[Mormon]] as well as an inept TV and radio host. He was first discovered by a [[CNN]] executive, giving blow jobs in the men's room for spare change, looking for a Conservative [[troll]] to throw into the network's left-leaning mix to shake things up but ended up meeting a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board while riding the rails in a boxcar, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show. He also has [[ADHD]], which you would never know by watching his program. Cough...

Glenn Beck is often assumed to be a real person but he is, in fact, a character conceived of and portrayed by [http://alfredpeachous.com/ Alfred Peachous], a well-regarded Canadian satirical theater actor.

Because of his homosexual obsession with [[Bill O'Reilly|Papa Bear O'Reilly]], Glenn Beck frequently appears on the latter's show to rant and rave incoherently for the [[lulz|unintentional amusement]] of millions of viewers, never guessing his idol and [[yaoi|one true love]] O'Reilly is a sadist who just loves it when Glenn makes a total ass out of himself to boost ''The O'Reilly Factor'''s ratings.

Once thought to be merely masquerading as a [[Libertarian]] bitching about government and raves about statism, often flying into epic fits of megalomaniac premenstrual failure that would make even [[Inmendham]] blush.

Beck frequently likes to draw incoherent, often misspelled charts on blackboards to pretend that he's a college professor, <s>despite the fact that he never went to college and is an uneducated retard</s>. '''Disregard that. Professor Beck just [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5nUf-Qtf8Y opened his own university]'''. Naturally his audience, primarily comprised of simple-minded motherfuckers who spend their days playing with the shunts in their heads, cheerleading the relentless onslaught of the corporate hegemon which will eat them first, and staring at colours and shapes, are too fucking retarded and lazy to go on the internet and research facts, so they just take his word on anything and everything. None of his opinions make even the slightest shred of sense or even come across as [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|anything other]] than [[Moonspeak]], although he (like so many other failures at life) has a legion of [[fangirls]], mostly evangelical christian retards, who hang on his every unintelligible word.

Glenn is a professional cunt, as is everyone on every cable news station, and while this means he should be generating [[lulz]] by [[pwn|pwning]] others, he more frequently pwns himself, as on his February 28, 2007 show, when he [[I came|came on]] to ''US Weekly'''s Dina Sansing during their discussion about nude photos of some ''[[American Idol]]'' cunt face. He has [http://mediamatters.org/items/200611150004 accused] the USA's first elected [[Muslim]] Congressman, Keith Ellison, of being an [[Al Qaeda]] operative simply because he is Muslim, and once called [[Rosie O'Donnell]] a [http://mediamatters.org/items/200703220010 "fat witch"]. Although [[true]], both of these statements were still uncalled for because they originated from such a moronic jackass.

Even exponentially more lulzy was his recent attempt to seem like he has actual feelings by crying on the air when speaking of how much he loves his country, which some have said was just an act, although [[Stephen Colbert]] insists it was real, because someone on cable news has to recognize just what an idiotic boob Glenn Beck really is.

[[TL;DR|TL;DR]]: Dude is pretty much a [[Nazi|Nazi]] '''who raped and murdered a girl in 1990''' (see below).

==Typical Beck==
<center>{{fv|id|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold; |
<youtube>CHpe2fapREA</youtube> |
<youtube>wGM3eMMYWos</youtube> |
<youtube>sRohgYwzRMU</youtube>@23:2|
<youtube>zNvLOMit_Hg</youtube> }}</center>

==Choice Quotes==
Glenn Beck is positively [[DOUBLE NIGGER|chock full]] of weird, wacky, and just plain [[facepalm|god-fucking-awful]] soundbytes he's spouted over the years. Here's a sampling:

<center>{{frame|{{morphquote|beckquote|background-color: White; width: 500px; height: 200px;|font-weight: bold;
|Now, I'm no expert...|Glenn Beck's personal slogan.

|I'm not perfect|Glenn Beck on the obvious.

|Get off my phone! Get off my phone, you little pinhead! I don't care? 'You people don't care about the trillions of...' [[UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY|GET OFF MY PHONE!]] I'm gonna lose my mind today!|

|[[Cindy Sheehan]] is a lulzy politician and mother of dead soldier.|Stating the obvious in the worst way possible, August 15th, 2005.

|[[Al Gore]]'s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization.|Intelligently discussing [[Global Warming|carbon emissions]].

|You know what you’ve done? You are an insult to George Washington, sir!|Beating out every stupid thing he has ever said [http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/encounter/55857/ in his own pathetic life].

|[[BAWWW|WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!]]|Every single show, without fail.}}|border=white|background=white}}
</center>

==The 1990 [[rape]] accusations==
[[Image:Hitler_glenn_beck_and_oj_simpson.jpg|thumb|[[OJ Simpson]] got nathan on Glenn Beck.]]
Recent information has surfaced that has linked Beck to a string of rape-murders back in 1990.
The controversial talk host would not comment on the accusations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 while consuming alcohol and cocaine in great amounts. It was demanded Beck release his sealed criminal record, but has since failed to do so.

In light of these accusations, the 19/90 project was born, determined to get the info out and get Glenn Beck to release his sealed criminal record. The accusations were so credible, that all of the Glenn Beck Show's sponsors [http://www.marketwatch.com/story/advertisers-deserting-fox-news-glenn-beck-2009-08-14 pulled their ads] leaving him without a single advertiser and resulting in $600,000 in lost revenue each week.

In response to the [http://glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com/ glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com] site (now known as http://gb1990.com/) exposing the facts as we know them, Glenn Beck got his [[Lawyer|bobblehead friends]] to file a [[Copyright_infringement|copyright]]/trademark/[[Bawwwww|bullshit]] [http://www.scribd.com/doc/19522393/Complaint complaint] asserting he was way too cool to be subject to such [[satire]], resulting in much wider exposure of his controversial past.

===RAPE WAS THE CASE THAT THEY GAVE ME===
May 10, 1990, 11 year old Robin Cornell and her 32 year old babysitter, Lisa Storey were found beaten, raped, and smothered to death in Cape Coral, Florida. Police are now interviewing local detectives to re-open the case, but if they don't find any new leads by the end of the year it will be closed. They are also looking into airing an episode on Americas Most Wanted. This town desperately needs your help in solving this case.

Beck was also linked to the rape and murder of seven-year old Margaret Shrader in Harris County, Texas in 1990.

The story has hit the media:

<del>http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-323336</del> deleted

===Take Action===
Here's what you do:
#Post the info FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
#Set links to other sites (so google can index it)
#???
#Profit

Go [[youtube]] on his ass:

:1: Download this vid http://rapidshare.com/files/273665044/glennbeckisdead.m4v
:2: Post on YouTube, naming it Glenn Beck - In loving Memory
:3: ?
:4: Break even.

====Contact Glenn Beck====
Please fill out this form and contact Beck[[mailto:glennbeck@foxnews.com]] to come clean about what REALLY happened in 1990 and whether he raped and killed a young girl.

{| class="wikitable" border="1"
|- style="width:75%; height:200px" border="1"
| I, (insert name), am formally asking you to refute the claim that you viciously raped and murdered a girl in 1990. I have yet to see solid evidence for these claims, but I also have not seen you come out to dismiss them.

I am concerned, for if this is true, I do not think you should be on the air. Please, I ask you to come out about this and dismiss these allegations on your show, as the Internet is buzzing about this horrible act, that I HOPE is not true.

I look forward to seeing this dismissed on an upcoming show. Thank you.
|-
|}

===glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com===
{{tinyquote|The disclaimer accordingly explains the thrust of the website’s joke in terms that '''should be understandable, even by morons in a hurry'''. But this bears only on the issue of whether the parody is funny, not on its legitimacy as nominative fair use.|http://gb1990.com}}

[[Image:Glenn_beck_rape_and_murder.png|thumb|300px|[[Lolsuit]] denied]]
In late 2009 Glenn Beck took '''glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com''''s owner [[lolsuit|to court]] for defamation and [[attention whore|'brand name']] intellectual property infringement, arguing that [[derp|hapless]] web surfers would confuse glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com as an official Glenn Beck site. This pathetic attempt to censor the Internets and whitewash the evidence against Beck as a rapist and murderer ultimately went to arbitration where his motion was [http://gb1990.net/legal/solution/WIPO/Decision%20D2009-1182.doc DENIED!] by the WORLD INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY ORGANIZATION ARBITRATION AND MEDIATION CENTER ( [[forced meme|aka NAMBLA]] ).

However, the altruistic folks at glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com decided to make a gift of the domain name to crybaby Beck and set up a mirror site at DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com (aka http://gb1990.com/).

===Radio-Show trolling===
This audio clip of him being [[troll|accused of being a murderer]] on his [[:File:Beckradio090902.mp3|radio show]]. Unfortunately, the clip is not very lulzy.

Theres a [[shit|site]] where people can spread this [http://gb1990.com rumor] and a [http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=111216842254 Facebook group] for [[lemon party|coordination]]

==Gallery of Rape==
{{cg|Gallery|beck1|center|<gallery>
Image:Glennbeckraep.jpg| He IS gonna rape you.
Image:Einsteinlackofproof.jpg| Einstein's prophetic equation foretold the Beck rape saga.
Image:Glennbeckraep2.jpg| Beck admitting to the rape.
Image:1990.JPG‎| Damning Evidence
Image:Mtherforciblychurchsign.jpg‎| Everyone wants to know, even God.
Image:Raepchange.png| Rape, we can believe in.
Image:Raepgraph.png| SCIENCE! Weighs in - Beck projected to rape even MORE next year.
Image:Beckrapebumpersticker.jpg‎| Its 1990 girl, have you been raped by Glenn Beck yet?
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:B-b-b-ut she said yes.jpg|Negras are hard to understand, amirite?
Image:WOFguesswho.jpg‎| Why does Vanna White look so scared?
Image:1990project.png| The 19/90 Project - Get the info out!
Image:Comecleanglenn.jpg|[[mailto:glennbeck@foxnews.com|Contact]] Glenn Beck to come clean!
Image:GlennBeckPoliceReport.jpg|The police report.
Image:1990rapepics.jpg|"I did it for the lulz"
Image:Glennbeckmugshot.jpg|Mugshot of Glenn Beck after being arrested on charges of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990.
Image:Gbmurder.jpg|Glenn Beck in action!
Image:Murderrape.jpg| Glenn Beck showing us the tools of the trade.
Image:Gbwormer.jpg| Dean Wormer telling it like it is.
Image:Boxofrape.jpg| Oh, Goody! My shipment has arrived!
Image:Gbwanted.jpg| He truly is history's greatest monster!
Image:Warninglabel.jpg| Achtung! Achtung! Der Vergewaltiger ist los!
Image:Gbjustice.jpg| Glenn Beck raping and murdering Lady Justice!
Image:GlennBeckCocksucker.gif|INVISIBLE PENIS
</gallery>}}

==Glenn Beck's Life So Far==

[[Image:pricelessfiles.jpg|thumb|right|300px|Glenn Beck protects his [[CP|priceless files]]]]

The great tragedy of Glenn Beck's life (and even more so of ours) is that his mother [[truth|killed herself]] by jumping into a lake from a boat after giving birth to him instead of before. Legend has it that he drove her to consume [[at least 100|entire bottles]] of pills just by talking to her at the dinner table one night.

Following this delicious swig of human tragedy, Glenn became a shit-faced [[drunk]] and a serial fondler of fat women, admitting later that he did this because the fat women reminded him of his mother, whom he'd always wanted to have [[OH GOD BILL|meaty, sweaty sex]] with. Mama Beck had been morbidly obese as a result of all of the heavy drinking and compulsive eating she had done three years after giving birth to Glenn when he first began to speak and she realized what a raging asshole had come out of her [[pussy]].

<center><youtube>AJkxBLgd5Hs</youtube></center>
And no, that's not Biff from Back To The Future. That's Glenn. I'm serious

After years of drinking and fondling and crying like a bleeding vagina, and a brief period in the 80's where he got heavily into [[cocaine]], sucking dicks made of used syringes in dumpsters full of bloody diapers filled with razor blades, as well as underage Arab boy-whores, he finally found [[Jesus]], who appeared to him in the form of [[Ronald Reagan]], offering Glenn his own radio show in exchange for his first-born child and two hours of [[analingus]] every Sunday. Little did Glenn know that Reagen also was a [[Basement_dad|rapist]] who had 10 sessions a day of BDSM with Beck's daughter, causing her [[retard|cerebral palsy]], proving that Glenn Beck can't do anything right, including how to make a baby.

And we will never forget that '''Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.''' ('''Though there are some who believe that he murdered THEN raped a girl in 1990'''). It is generally believed that the girl was Gilbert Gottfried's daughter, though others contend it was Bob Saget's. Either way, it is known that '''Glenn Beck both raped and murdered a girl in 1990'''.

Glenn often claims to be [[Mormon]], but this is only because he wants a life of [[polygamy]], [[incest]] and [[CP|underage poontang]]. He consistently maintains all people from [[Africa]] (including American [[nigra|black people]]) lack souls and go straight to Hell when they die, as all Mormons do. Occasionally he still [[Chris Hansen|trolls for boy cock]] on the [[Internet]], even though this often causes the ghost of Reagan to become insanely jealous to the point where he sometimes "forgets" to wipe his ass before "church".

<center><youtube>bX1rLv_hNeI</youtube></center>

==People Who Like Glenn Beck==
Besides being far and few between, people who like Beck are often very much just like him. They often masquerade as people who seem to know what they're talking about, when in fact they have no idea what the hell is going on.

{{quote|Personally, though, I like the guy. I don't get to listen to him that often b/c he's on while I'm at work, but I did catch a little of his show today. He was saying that people should check the facts on the shows they watch and not just [[Irony|become mindless zombies who take what the media says as gospel]]. I like that.|Some Woman, not taking Beck's advice}}

Novel idea Beck. But if people did that, they would "check the facts" on your show and realize...
Oh shit, there aren't any.

===[[Colbert]]===
{{quote|The 9/12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it.|Stephen Colbert}}

Beck's only true [[fanboi]] is [[Stephen Colbert]]. So moved by Beck's [[9/12]] project, Colbert was inspired to [[troll|pay tribute]] and promote it on his own show.

==Beck VS Ron Paul/Libertarians/Randroids etc etc==
<center><youtube>Eg8M2JBIoqo</youtube></center>

On November 12th, 2007, Glenn Beck implied that any person who supports [[Ron Paul]] is a [[terrorist]] -- even though Ron Paul is ''not'' a terrorist, merely a failure, and the shortest man ever born in [[Texas]]. The real amusement comes from the fact that these are probably now the two most popular [[Conservatives| Conservatives]] in America, and they obviously hate each other, as each is so helplessly wrapped up in his own ego that he cannot even see that he is [[pissing]] on his own party. Even more outrageous is the [[fact]] that they are both secretly [[Jews]] and therefore responsible for [[9/11]], the derangement of modern media and the [[bailout plan|current economic crisis]], which is really just an attempt to deflate all the world's currency and thereby increase the value of the precious [[Jew Gold]].

==The 9-12 Project==
What Beck considers his greatest achievement (that is to say, his greatest failure), is his "9-12 Project", which is supposed to bring back the feelings that "[[you|we]] all had" the day after [[9/11]], the greatest made-for-TV-movie of all time. According to Beck, on 9-12, everything was totally groovy, and we should all get back to that day when we actually gave a shit for once. Despite the fact that on 9/12 people were pissing themselves with fear of another attack. Adult diapers sale flew (pun intended) up on 9/12.
He also openly admits he hates the victims of 9/11 so he is not doing this for their sake, but to make himself look more patriotic. Hating his own president, [[711chan|promoting rebellion]], calling for violence on [[Nancy Pelosi|political leaders]] and hating his countries terrorist attack victims proves this whole project is just [[unwarranted self importance]]. He does not give a shit about America, just [[Dumbfuckistan]].

<center><youtube>rM4xqnukQrM</youtube></center>

<center>The key word here being ''allegedly.''</center>

'''The 9 Principles'''

*Math is for liberal, fat pussies.

*[[America]] is the HNIC or Head Nigga In Charge. Built by stupid white men and for stupid white men only.

*[[Donald Trump]] is the one true [[God]], and his sphincter tastes like marzipan.

*It is hard not to be more honest tomorrow when you lied so much yesterday.

*Moms should be fat and kill themselves.

*Niggers are rowdy, hate working, and will always steal from you. [[Obama]] included, as he is a rowdy nigger who wants to steal from you.

*The very existence of public transit, walking and cycling options are an assault on MUH FREEDUMB to pollute the planet in my lifted pickup truck that I am entitled to park in the centre of downtown.

*All taxes are just rowdy nigger shenanigans, unless they get spent exclusively on prisons, wars and fossil fuel subsidies.

*It is un-American to give your money away to rowdy welfare niggers.

*The more I repeat rowdy nigger and communist as loud as I can, the more of a point I have just made.

*When you're white, everything is awriiiiight!

'''The 12 Values'''

*Analingus

*Propaganda

*Killing mom

*Ranting

*Raving

*Crying

*[[Faux News]]

*Fondling

*Fail

*Butthurt

*Tantrums

*Jiveass Baloney

The main rhetorical device employed in convincing us of this program for a more corporate, dope-addled and gun crazy America is crying like a big pussy, or at least seeming to.

==Glenn Beck: Ja Tvoi Rabotnik?==
Though he often seems to exhibit what humans generally term "emotions" there is a chance that he may be a golem, or killer Jewish [[Evangelion|battlebot]], whose [[cp|true motivations]] are known only to the [[Jews]], a crafty and secretive people who pretend to be ineffectual neurotics only so that they will be underestimated by the rest of the world. Why anyone would engineer a salad-tossing, child-molesting cretin is anybody's guess, but the [[Jews]] are a very sneaky and intelligent species, and nothing is beyond them. If they can convince the world that the [[Holocaust]] actually happened, they could certainly have made Glenn Beck in one of their many secret labs.

==Get Off My Phone==
At the end when he calls her a pinhead I swear to god I thought he was the Penguin or some shit, wtf.
<center><youtube>-n3QeHtSOfM</youtube></center>

Maybe Glenn knews [[Then who was X|who "phone" was]] after all.

<center><youtube>7XzM7t6FNJo</youtube></center>
Round 2, [[fact|he wants you off his phone to rape you and 4 year olds.]]

==The 2009 Frog Murder==

In a 2009 show, Glenn Beck compared white America to a [[Rosie O'Donnell|slimy amphibian]] and then threw it into boiling water, this was some kind of analogy to describe Obamacare but it failed when the frog refused to jump out of the boiling water, and content itself with dying on the live show. Nevertheless, animal abuse is a pattern among serial killers and helps establish the fact that Glenn Beck DID [[Fact|RAPE AND MURDER A YOUNG GIRL IN 1990]]. The frog refused to come out of the boiling water screaming "Don't touch me you black hating, tea party making, young girl raping douche!" After the show was over, Beck pulled out the frog and sodomized his green ass. How this evil animal killer hasn't been arrested for poaching we'll never know.

<center><youtube>btpZ1UnGBaI</youtube></center>

By the way, the old cliché Glenn was thinking of is actually about a frog '''in a frying pan''', not boiling water. Ha ha, whoops.

==Not all [[incest]] is wincest!==
<center><youtube>vzbjQFe46FE</youtube></center>
A dramatic reenactment of Beck's memoirs, "The Real America." (Moar liek "The Real [[Josef Fritzl|Austria]]" amirite?)

== He tells it like it is. He's a Complete NutJob==
<center><youtube>H2sLGK4dERE</youtube></center>
The only untrue thing he says here is that he is noteworthy enough to ever show up in a history text book.

<center><youtube>FxJBJjj4_qw</youtube></center>

==Glenn Beck Gets Great Justice?==
Glenn Beck recently announced that he "[[almost raped|might]] go blind next year" due to something called "[[fapping|macular dystrophy]]". Naturally, he announced this using his usual MO: [[BAW|BAAAWWWing]] in public and making sure he offended as many people as possible (in this case, those already blind) while taking the opportunity to bash [[Obamacare]]. No word on whether this was due to his raping of a young girl in 1990 or from masturbating too furiously over pics and recordings of himself. We can only hope that this is one prophecy of Glenn's that isn't complete [[bullshit]]. It would be a first. It's also too bad he isn't going deaf, dumb and dead too, but it's a start. In reality, this is probably just another Glenn Beck ploy to [[Messiah Complex|appear more godly]] as he "struggles" and "battles" with this horrible infliction which will eventually be defeated by divine intervention, because -as he constantly reminds us- he has been chosen by the [[Allah|the big guy himself]] to save us from ourselves -and [[Socialism]].

<center>'''Glenn Beck: Playing Blindness For The Lulz'''</center>

<center><youtube>7fWTeY1L-ps</youtube></center>

==The Gathering of the [[Juggalos|Blackshirts]]==
[[File:828project.jpg|left|frame|Official Poster of the Event]]
[[File:Glenn.beck.lincoln.rally.heil.jpg|thumb|250px|Heil!]]
{{quote|[[truth|Martin Luther King, Jr. was just some butthurt nigger.]]|Glenn Beck}}
On August 28th, 2010 in Washington DC, Glenn Beck threw a party of [[fail|epic proportions]] at the feet of [[Abraham Lincoln]] where he raped and sacrificed (possibly sacrificed and raped) a young girl to God Almighty...the same God that has given Professor Beck [http://rawstory.com/rs/2010/0421/beck-god-gave-me-a-plan/ The Plan]. Unfortunately, [[old media]] has refused to cover this part of the rally so that Beck can continue cashing in on his [[obvious troll|huge success.]] Regurgitating the same bullshit he barks on the [[Old Media|radio, TV, Books, Books on Tape, Seminars, Public Speeches, and live telecasts into movie theaters]], only in a very special place: The Lincoln Memorial. Niggers were butthurt because Beck reserved this spot before they did for the [[SNCA|48th Anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "I Have a Dream Speech]]. As an added lulz, special guests included [[Sarah Palin]], [[loldongs|Dick Armey]], [[Batshit Insane|Michelle Bachman]], St. Louis Cardinals first baseman [[Steroids|Albert Pujlos]] and team manger [[Old|Tony La Russa]].

{{quote|The plan that [[pretty cool guy|eH]] would have me articulate, is get behind [[Me]] -- and I don't mean 'me,' I mean Him. [[mantrain|Get behind Me. Stand behind Me]].|Perfessor Beck}}

Any similarities between Professor Beck's The Plan and [[Mein Kampf]] are purely coincidental. As is the fact that this date is the anniversary of [[Martin Luther King]]'s landmark '''"I have a dream(sickle)"''' [[Civil Rights]] speech at those very feets.

==Beck/Palin 2012==

{{stub}}
[[File:Sarah-palin-glenn-beck.jpg|thumb|You know you love it]]
[[File:Palinbeck2012.jpg|thumb|left|[[SFB]]]]
[[File:Beck_palin.jpg|thumb|left|Be afraid...be '''very''' afraid]]
[[File:Palin-beck_button.jpg|thumb|You will [[shit bricks]]]]
[[File:Alg_palin_beck.jpg|thumb|left|Palin and Beck at Glenn Beck's Nuremberg Rally]]
[[File:Palin-beck_2012.gif|thumb|''See Also'': [[ego]].]]

'''Palin/Beck''' is the unholy union of [[Sarah Palin]] and her [[BFF]] fanboi [[Glenn Beck]] (or visa versa) that [[Teabaggers]] and [[Randroids]] pray to [[God]] for [[wet dream|every night]] to run for [[president|office]] in [[2012]] to wrestle back the [[USA]] from the evil [[Commie]] state that [[The Jewnited States]] has become after two years of tyrannical rule under [[Comrade Obama]].

[[Some argue]] that the [[Mayans]] predicted this horrendous coupling when they compiled their calendar that avers that the world will indeed end in [[2012]] when they -obviously- get elected by the retarded masses in America.

This [[creepypasta|horrific scenario]] could only get any worse if these two children of Satan mated and spawned millions of little Gremlin [[teabaggers]]. That said, seeing as Glenn Beck is a drug-addled alky and Sarah Palin is hawt if you're wearing [[goggles|beer goggles]], it's only a matter of time.

==Vidyas==

<center><youtube>tMO_h_ZK0Mk</youtube></center>

==Gallery of a Madman==
{{cg|Gallery|Beck2|center|<gallery>
Image:KomradBeck.jpg|Glenn Beck now calls himself Comrade and is infatuated by [[Karl Marx|old school Bolshevism]] after his psychiatrist tryied a new combination of pills for his ADHD.
Image:Glenn beck fails.png|Glenn Beck fails at everything.
Image:BeckFrogbook.jpg‎| This time its safe to judge a book by its cover.
Image:Beck4prez.png|Incumbent President Professor Glenn Beck. Notice bright-eyed supporter in front.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Beck-koolaid n.jpg ‎
‎File:Beck tinfoil.jpg ‎
Image:BeckHypnosis.gif |Conservatives gearing up to tackle the Obama crisis.
Image:Glennbecknazi.jpg |Der Scheiße Führer.
Image:Glennhiltonperezbeck.jpg‎ | Glenn Hilton or Perez Beck? Either way, that's one fat faggot!
Image:Naked-beck.jpg |Glenn Beck hearts Mugwump jism.
File:Cartman-beck.jpg
File:MadHatterBeck.jpg
File:GlenBeckHatter.jpg
File:BeckmaskSMALL-1.jpg
File:Glenn beck retarded crying.png
</gallery>}}

==See Also==
*[[Bill O'Reilly]]
*[[Caiden Cowger]]
*[[Douchebag]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Faux News]]
*[[Hal Turner]]
*[[Mark Levin]]
*[[Michael Savage]]
*[[Palin/Beck]]
*[[Ron Paul]]
*[[Rush Limbaugh]]
*[[Sarah Palin]]

==Resources==
*[mailto:webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com glenbeck912project]
*[http://www.glennbeck.com/ glennbeck.com]
*[http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/ foxforum]
*[http://DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com]
*[http://gatsome.com/2009/09/01/glenn-beck-raped-and-murdered-a-girl-in-1990/ gatsome with link to this very page]
*http://unreasonablysafe.com/2009/09/01/beckrape/
*http://www.deathblow.org/
*[http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/255332 Glenn Beck on South Park]
*[http://glennbeckinsults.com/wordpress/images/ rape and murder 1990 images]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn9MbQscz1w Asking Sarah Palin 'Why do I hear your voice? I'm not in the kitchen.']
{{foxnews}}
{{Mediawhores}}
{{Television}}
{{gayrepublicans}}
{{RapeSeries}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:Memes]]

Glenn Beck

2026-04-06T01:05:43Z

Crow caw: /* The 2009 Frog Murder */

{{spoiler|[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/22/glenn-beck-fox-news-mistakes_n_4643537.html GLENN BECK ADMITTED HIS IDIOCY PLAYED A ROLE IN DIVIDING AMERICA]}}

[[Image:Jaredleeloughner.jpg‎|thumb|left|Glenn Beck]]
[[Image:GlennBeckRaped.jpg‎|thumb|It doesn't have to be true, just keep [http://gb1990.com/ repeating it] until everyone agrees ]]
[[Image:Cartman_11-12b.jpg|thumb|The libertarian douchebags at [[South Park]] couldn't even make a lulzy parody of this faggot.]]
[[File:Mortondowneyjr.jpg|thumb|The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CofhbZMmBnw batshit insane right wing asshole faggot] Beck took his act from.]]
'''Glenn Beck''' is Satan's mentally challenged younger brother. He is also the conservative version of [[Michael Moore]]. He is batshit insane, alcoholic, drug addicted [[Mormon]] as well as an inept TV and radio host. He was first discovered by a [[CNN]] executive, giving blow jobs in the men's room for spare change, looking for a Conservative [[troll]] to throw into the network's left-leaning mix to shake things up but ended up meeting a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board while riding the rails in a boxcar, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show. He also has [[ADHD]], which you would never know by watching his program. Cough...

Glenn Beck is often assumed to be a real person but he is, in fact, a character conceived of and portrayed by [http://alfredpeachous.com/ Alfred Peachous], a well-regarded Canadian satirical theater actor.

Because of his homosexual obsession with [[Bill O'Reilly|Papa Bear O'Reilly]], Glenn Beck frequently appears on the latter's show to rant and rave incoherently for the [[lulz|unintentional amusement]] of millions of viewers, never guessing his idol and [[yaoi|one true love]] O'Reilly is a sadist who just loves it when Glenn makes a total ass out of himself to boost ''The O'Reilly Factor'''s ratings.

Once thought to be merely masquerading as a [[Libertarian]] bitching about government and raves about statism, often flying into epic fits of megalomaniac premenstrual failure that would make even [[Inmendham]] blush.

Beck frequently likes to draw incoherent, often misspelled charts on blackboards to pretend that he's a college professor, <s>despite the fact that he never went to college and is an uneducated retard</s>. '''Disregard that. Professor Beck just [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5nUf-Qtf8Y opened his own university]'''. Naturally his audience, primarily comprised of simple-minded motherfuckers who spend their days playing with the shunts in their heads, cheerleading the relentless onslaught of the corporate hegemon which will eat them first, and staring at colours and shapes, are too fucking retarded and lazy to go on the internet and research facts, so they just take his word on anything and everything. None of his opinions make even the slightest shred of sense or even come across as [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|anything other]] than [[Moonspeak]], although he (like so many other failures at life) has a legion of [[fangirls]], mostly evangelical christian retards, who hang on his every unintelligible word.

Glenn is a professional cunt, as is everyone on every cable news station, and while this means he should be generating [[lulz]] by [[pwn|pwning]] others, he more frequently pwns himself, as on his February 28, 2007 show, when he [[I came|came on]] to ''US Weekly'''s Dina Sansing during their discussion about nude photos of some ''[[American Idol]]'' cunt face. He has [http://mediamatters.org/items/200611150004 accused] the USA's first elected [[Muslim]] Congressman, Keith Ellison, of being an [[Al Qaeda]] operative simply because he is Muslim, and once called [[Rosie O'Donnell]] a [http://mediamatters.org/items/200703220010 "fat witch"]. Although [[true]], both of these statements were still uncalled for because they originated from such a moronic jackass.

Even exponentially more lulzy was his recent attempt to seem like he has actual feelings by crying on the air when speaking of how much he loves his country, which some have said was just an act, although [[Stephen Colbert]] insists it was real, because someone on cable news has to recognize just what an idiotic boob Glenn Beck really is.

[[TL;DR|TL;DR]]: Dude is pretty much a [[Nazi|Nazi]] '''who raped and murdered a girl in 1990''' (see below).

==Typical Beck==
<center>{{fv|id|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold; |
<youtube>CHpe2fapREA</youtube> |
<youtube>wGM3eMMYWos</youtube> |
<youtube>sRohgYwzRMU</youtube>@23:2|
<youtube>zNvLOMit_Hg</youtube> }}</center>

==Choice Quotes==
Glenn Beck is positively [[DOUBLE NIGGER|chock full]] of weird, wacky, and just plain [[facepalm|god-fucking-awful]] soundbytes he's spouted over the years. Here's a sampling:

<center>{{frame|{{morphquote|beckquote|background-color: White; width: 500px; height: 200px;|font-weight: bold;
|Now, I'm no expert...|Glenn Beck's personal slogan.

|I'm not perfect|Glenn Beck on the obvious.

|Get off my phone! Get off my phone, you little pinhead! I don't care? 'You people don't care about the trillions of...' [[UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY|GET OFF MY PHONE!]] I'm gonna lose my mind today!|

|[[Cindy Sheehan]] is a lulzy politician and mother of dead soldier.|Stating the obvious in the worst way possible, August 15th, 2005.

|[[Al Gore]]'s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization.|Intelligently discussing [[Global Warming|carbon emissions]].

|You know what you’ve done? You are an insult to George Washington, sir!|Beating out every stupid thing he has ever said [http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/encounter/55857/ in his own pathetic life].

|[[BAWWW|WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!]]|Every single show, without fail.}}|border=white|background=white}}
</center>

==The 1990 [[rape]] accusations==
[[Image:Hitler_glenn_beck_and_oj_simpson.jpg|thumb|[[OJ Simpson]] got nathan on Glenn Beck.]]
Recent information has surfaced that has linked Beck to a string of rape-murders back in 1990.
The controversial talk host would not comment on the accusations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 while consuming alcohol and cocaine in great amounts. It was demanded Beck release his sealed criminal record, but has since failed to do so.

In light of these accusations, the 19/90 project was born, determined to get the info out and get Glenn Beck to release his sealed criminal record. The accusations were so credible, that all of the Glenn Beck Show's sponsors [http://www.marketwatch.com/story/advertisers-deserting-fox-news-glenn-beck-2009-08-14 pulled their ads] leaving him without a single advertiser and resulting in $600,000 in lost revenue each week.

In response to the [http://glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com/ glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com] site (now known as http://gb1990.com/) exposing the facts as we know them, Glenn Beck got his [[Lawyer|bobblehead friends]] to file a [[Copyright_infringement|copyright]]/trademark/[[Bawwwww|bullshit]] [http://www.scribd.com/doc/19522393/Complaint complaint] asserting he was way too cool to be subject to such [[satire]], resulting in much wider exposure of his controversial past.

===RAPE WAS THE CASE THAT THEY GAVE ME===
May 10, 1990, 11 year old Robin Cornell and her 32 year old babysitter, Lisa Storey were found beaten, raped, and smothered to death in Cape Coral, Florida. Police are now interviewing local detectives to re-open the case, but if they don't find any new leads by the end of the year it will be closed. They are also looking into airing an episode on Americas Most Wanted. This town desperately needs your help in solving this case.

Beck was also linked to the rape and murder of seven-year old Margaret Shrader in Harris County, Texas in 1990.

The story has hit the media:

<del>http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-323336</del> deleted

===Take Action===
Here's what you do:
#Post the info FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
#Set links to other sites (so google can index it)
#???
#Profit

Go [[youtube]] on his ass:

:1: Download this vid http://rapidshare.com/files/273665044/glennbeckisdead.m4v
:2: Post on YouTube, naming it Glenn Beck - In loving Memory
:3: ?
:4: Break even.

====Contact Glenn Beck====
Please fill out this form and contact Beck[[mailto:glennbeck@foxnews.com]] to come clean about what REALLY happened in 1990 and whether he raped and killed a young girl.

{| class="wikitable" border="1"
|- style="width:75%; height:200px" border="1"
| I, (insert name), am formally asking you to refute the claim that you viciously raped and murdered a girl in 1990. I have yet to see solid evidence for these claims, but I also have not seen you come out to dismiss them.

I am concerned, for if this is true, I do not think you should be on the air. Please, I ask you to come out about this and dismiss these allegations on your show, as the Internet is buzzing about this horrible act, that I HOPE is not true.

I look forward to seeing this dismissed on an upcoming show. Thank you.
|-
|}

===glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com===
{{tinyquote|The disclaimer accordingly explains the thrust of the website’s joke in terms that '''should be understandable, even by morons in a hurry'''. But this bears only on the issue of whether the parody is funny, not on its legitimacy as nominative fair use.|http://gb1990.com}}

[[Image:Glenn_beck_rape_and_murder.png|thumb|300px|[[Lolsuit]] denied]]
In late 2009 Glenn Beck took '''glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com''''s owner [[lolsuit|to court]] for defamation and [[attention whore|'brand name']] intellectual property infringement, arguing that [[derp|hapless]] web surfers would confuse glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com as an official Glenn Beck site. This pathetic attempt to censor the Internets and whitewash the evidence against Beck as a rapist and murderer ultimately went to arbitration where his motion was [http://gb1990.net/legal/solution/WIPO/Decision%20D2009-1182.doc DENIED!] by the WORLD INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY ORGANIZATION ARBITRATION AND MEDIATION CENTER ( [[forced meme|aka NAMBLA]] ).

However, the altruistic folks at glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com decided to make a gift of the domain name to crybaby Beck and set up a mirror site at DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com (aka http://gb1990.com/).

===Radio-Show trolling===
This audio clip of him being [[troll|accused of being a murderer]] on his [[:File:Beckradio090902.mp3|radio show]]. Unfortunately, the clip is not very lulzy.

Theres a [[shit|site]] where people can spread this [http://gb1990.com rumor] and a [http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=111216842254 Facebook group] for [[lemon party|coordination]]

==Gallery of Rape==
{{cg|Gallery|beck1|center|<gallery>
Image:Glennbeckraep.jpg| He IS gonna rape you.
Image:Einsteinlackofproof.jpg| Einstein's prophetic equation foretold the Beck rape saga.
Image:Glennbeckraep2.jpg| Beck admitting to the rape.
Image:1990.JPG‎| Damning Evidence
Image:Mtherforciblychurchsign.jpg‎| Everyone wants to know, even God.
Image:Raepchange.png| Rape, we can believe in.
Image:Raepgraph.png| SCIENCE! Weighs in - Beck projected to rape even MORE next year.
Image:Beckrapebumpersticker.jpg‎| Its 1990 girl, have you been raped by Glenn Beck yet?
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:B-b-b-ut she said yes.jpg|Negras are hard to understand, amirite?
Image:WOFguesswho.jpg‎| Why does Vanna White look so scared?
Image:1990project.png| The 19/90 Project - Get the info out!
Image:Comecleanglenn.jpg|[[mailto:glennbeck@foxnews.com|Contact]] Glenn Beck to come clean!
Image:GlennBeckPoliceReport.jpg|The police report.
Image:1990rapepics.jpg|"I did it for the lulz"
Image:Glennbeckmugshot.jpg|Mugshot of Glenn Beck after being arrested on charges of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990.
Image:Gbmurder.jpg|Glenn Beck in action!
Image:Murderrape.jpg| Glenn Beck showing us the tools of the trade.
Image:Gbwormer.jpg| Dean Wormer telling it like it is.
Image:Boxofrape.jpg| Oh, Goody! My shipment has arrived!
Image:Gbwanted.jpg| He truly is history's greatest monster!
Image:Warninglabel.jpg| Achtung! Achtung! Der Vergewaltiger ist los!
Image:Gbjustice.jpg| Glenn Beck raping and murdering Lady Justice!
Image:GlennBeckCocksucker.gif|INVISIBLE PENIS
</gallery>}}

==Glenn Beck's Life So Far==

[[Image:pricelessfiles.jpg|thumb|right|300px|Glenn Beck protects his [[CP|priceless files]]]]

The great tragedy of Glenn Beck's life (and even more so of ours) is that his mother [[truth|killed herself]] by jumping into a lake from a boat after giving birth to him instead of before. Legend has it that he drove her to consume [[at least 100|entire bottles]] of pills just by talking to her at the dinner table one night.

Following this delicious swig of human tragedy, Glenn became a shit-faced [[drunk]] and a serial fondler of fat women, admitting later that he did this because the fat women reminded him of his mother, whom he'd always wanted to have [[OH GOD BILL|meaty, sweaty sex]] with. Mama Beck had been morbidly obese as a result of all of the heavy drinking and compulsive eating she had done three years after giving birth to Glenn when he first began to speak and she realized what a raging asshole had come out of her [[pussy]].

<center><youtube>AJkxBLgd5Hs</youtube></center>
And no, that's not Biff from Back To The Future. That's Glenn. I'm serious

After years of drinking and fondling and crying like a bleeding vagina, and a brief period in the 80's where he got heavily into [[cocaine]], sucking dicks made of used syringes in dumpsters full of bloody diapers filled with razor blades, as well as underage Arab boy-whores, he finally found [[Jesus]], who appeared to him in the form of [[Ronald Reagan]], offering Glenn his own radio show in exchange for his first-born child and two hours of [[analingus]] every Sunday. Little did Glenn know that Reagen also was a [[Basement_dad|rapist]] who had 10 sessions a day of BDSM with Beck's daughter, causing her [[retard|cerebral palsy]], proving that Glenn Beck can't do anything right, including how to make a baby.

And we will never forget that '''Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.''' ('''Though there are some who believe that he murdered THEN raped a girl in 1990'''). It is generally believed that the girl was Gilbert Gottfried's daughter, though others contend it was Bob Saget's. Either way, it is known that '''Glenn Beck both raped and murdered a girl in 1990'''.

Glenn often claims to be [[Mormon]], but this is only because he wants a life of [[polygamy]], [[incest]] and [[CP|underage poontang]]. He consistently maintains all people from [[Africa]] (including American [[nigra|black people]]) lack souls and go straight to Hell when they die, as all Mormons do. Occasionally he still [[Chris Hansen|trolls for boy cock]] on the [[Internet]], even though this often causes the ghost of Reagan to become insanely jealous to the point where he sometimes "forgets" to wipe his ass before "church".

<center><youtube>bX1rLv_hNeI</youtube></center>

==People Who Like Glenn Beck==
Besides being far and few between, people who like Beck are often very much just like him. They often masquerade as people who seem to know what they're talking about, when in fact they have no idea what the hell is going on.

{{quote|Personally, though, I like the guy. I don't get to listen to him that often b/c he's on while I'm at work, but I did catch a little of his show today. He was saying that people should check the facts on the shows they watch and not just [[Irony|become mindless zombies who take what the media says as gospel]]. I like that.|Some Woman, not taking Beck's advice}}

Novel idea Beck. But if people did that, they would "check the facts" on your show and realize...
Oh shit, there aren't any.

===[[Colbert]]===
{{quote|The 9/12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it.|Stephen Colbert}}

Beck's only true [[fanboi]] is [[Stephen Colbert]]. So moved by Beck's [[9/12]] project, Colbert was inspired to [[troll|pay tribute]] and promote it on his own show.

==Beck VS Ron Paul/Libertarians/Randroids etc etc==
<center><youtube>Eg8M2JBIoqo</youtube></center>

On November 12th, 2007, Glenn Beck implied that any person who supports [[Ron Paul]] is a [[terrorist]] -- even though Ron Paul is ''not'' a terrorist, merely a failure, and the shortest man ever born in [[Texas]]. The real amusement comes from the fact that these are probably now the two most popular [[Conservatives| Conservatives]] in America, and they obviously hate each other, as each is so helplessly wrapped up in his own ego that he cannot even see that he is [[pissing]] on his own party. Even more outrageous is the [[fact]] that they are both secretly [[Jews]] and therefore responsible for [[9/11]], the derangement of modern media and the [[bailout plan|current economic crisis]], which is really just an attempt to deflate all the world's currency and thereby increase the value of the precious [[Jew Gold]].

==The 9-12 Project==
What Beck considers his greatest achievement (that is to say, his greatest failure), is his "9-12 Project", which is supposed to bring back the feelings that "[[you|we]] all had" the day after [[9/11]], the greatest made-for-TV-movie of all time. According to Beck, on 9-12, everything was totally groovy, and we should all get back to that day when we actually gave a shit for once. Despite the fact that on 9/12 people were pissing themselves with fear of another attack. Adult diapers sale flew (pun intended) up on 9/12.
He also openly admits he hates the victims of 9/11 so he is not doing this for their sake, but to make himself look more patriotic. Hating his own president, [[711chan|promoting rebellion]], calling for violence on [[Nancy Pelosi|political leaders]] and hating his countries terrorist attack victims proves this whole project is just [[unwarranted self importance]]. He does not give a shit about America, just [[Dumbfuckistan]].

<center><youtube>rM4xqnukQrM</youtube></center>

<center>The key word here being ''allegedly.''</center>

'''The 9 Principles'''

*Math is for liberal, fat pussies.

*[[America]] is the HNIC or Head Nigga In Charge. Built by stupid white men and for stupid white men only.

*[[Ronald Reagan]] is the one true [[God]], and his sphincter tastes like marzipan.

*It is hard not to be more honest tomorrow when you lied so much yesterday.

*Moms should be fat and kill themselves.

*Niggers are rowdy, hate working, and will always steal from you.

*[[Obama]] is a rowdy nigger who wants to steal from you.

*All taxes are just rowdy nigger shenanigans.

*It is un-American to give your money away to rowdy welfare niggers.

*The more I repeat rowdy nigger and communist as loud as I can, the more of a point I have just made.

*When you're white, everything is awriiiiight!

'''The 12 Values'''

*Analingus

*Propaganda

*Killing mom

*Ranting

*Raving

*Crying

*[[Faux News]]

*Fondling

*Fail

*Butthurt

*Tantrums

*Jiveass Baloney

The main rhetorical device employed in convincing us of this program for a more corporate, dope-addled and gun crazy America is crying like a big pussy, or at least seeming to.

==Glenn Beck: Ja Tvoi Rabotnik?==
Though he often seems to exhibit what humans generally term "emotions" there is a chance that he may be a golem, or killer Jewish [[Evangelion|battlebot]], whose [[cp|true motivations]] are known only to the [[Jews]], a crafty and secretive people who pretend to be ineffectual neurotics only so that they will be underestimated by the rest of the world. Why anyone would engineer a salad-tossing, child-molesting cretin is anybody's guess, but the [[Jews]] are a very sneaky and intelligent species, and nothing is beyond them. If they can convince the world that the [[Holocaust]] actually happened, they could certainly have made Glenn Beck in one of their many secret labs.

==Get Off My Phone==
At the end when he calls her a pinhead I swear to god I thought he was the Penguin or some shit, wtf.
<center><youtube>-n3QeHtSOfM</youtube></center>

Maybe Glenn knews [[Then who was X|who "phone" was]] after all.

<center><youtube>7XzM7t6FNJo</youtube></center>
Round 2, [[fact|he wants you off his phone to rape you and 4 year olds.]]

==The 2009 Frog Murder==

In a 2009 show, Glenn Beck compared white America to a [[Rosie O'Donnell|slimy amphibian]] and then threw it into boiling water, this was some kind of analogy to describe Obamacare but it failed when the frog refused to jump out of the boiling water, and content itself with dying on the live show. Nevertheless, animal abuse is a pattern among serial killers and helps establish the fact that Glenn Beck DID [[Fact|RAPE AND MURDER A YOUNG GIRL IN 1990]]. The frog refused to come out of the boiling water screaming "Don't touch me you black hating, tea party making, young girl raping douche!" After the show was over, Beck pulled out the frog and sodomized his green ass. How this evil animal killer hasn't been arrested for poaching we'll never know.

<center><youtube>btpZ1UnGBaI</youtube></center>

By the way, the old cliché Glenn was thinking of is actually about a frog '''in a frying pan''', not boiling water. Ha ha, whoops.

==Not all [[incest]] is wincest!==
<center><youtube>vzbjQFe46FE</youtube></center>
A dramatic reenactment of Beck's memoirs, "The Real America." (Moar liek "The Real [[Josef Fritzl|Austria]]" amirite?)

== He tells it like it is. He's a Complete NutJob==
<center><youtube>H2sLGK4dERE</youtube></center>
The only untrue thing he says here is that he is noteworthy enough to ever show up in a history text book.

<center><youtube>FxJBJjj4_qw</youtube></center>

==Glenn Beck Gets Great Justice?==
Glenn Beck recently announced that he "[[almost raped|might]] go blind next year" due to something called "[[fapping|macular dystrophy]]". Naturally, he announced this using his usual MO: [[BAW|BAAAWWWing]] in public and making sure he offended as many people as possible (in this case, those already blind) while taking the opportunity to bash [[Obamacare]]. No word on whether this was due to his raping of a young girl in 1990 or from masturbating too furiously over pics and recordings of himself. We can only hope that this is one prophecy of Glenn's that isn't complete [[bullshit]]. It would be a first. It's also too bad he isn't going deaf, dumb and dead too, but it's a start. In reality, this is probably just another Glenn Beck ploy to [[Messiah Complex|appear more godly]] as he "struggles" and "battles" with this horrible infliction which will eventually be defeated by divine intervention, because -as he constantly reminds us- he has been chosen by the [[Allah|the big guy himself]] to save us from ourselves -and [[Socialism]].

<center>'''Glenn Beck: Playing Blindness For The Lulz'''</center>

<center><youtube>7fWTeY1L-ps</youtube></center>

==The Gathering of the [[Juggalos|Blackshirts]]==
[[File:828project.jpg|left|frame|Official Poster of the Event]]
[[File:Glenn.beck.lincoln.rally.heil.jpg|thumb|250px|Heil!]]
{{quote|[[truth|Martin Luther King, Jr. was just some butthurt nigger.]]|Glenn Beck}}
On August 28th, 2010 in Washington DC, Glenn Beck threw a party of [[fail|epic proportions]] at the feet of [[Abraham Lincoln]] where he raped and sacrificed (possibly sacrificed and raped) a young girl to God Almighty...the same God that has given Professor Beck [http://rawstory.com/rs/2010/0421/beck-god-gave-me-a-plan/ The Plan]. Unfortunately, [[old media]] has refused to cover this part of the rally so that Beck can continue cashing in on his [[obvious troll|huge success.]] Regurgitating the same bullshit he barks on the [[Old Media|radio, TV, Books, Books on Tape, Seminars, Public Speeches, and live telecasts into movie theaters]], only in a very special place: The Lincoln Memorial. Niggers were butthurt because Beck reserved this spot before they did for the [[SNCA|48th Anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "I Have a Dream Speech]]. As an added lulz, special guests included [[Sarah Palin]], [[loldongs|Dick Armey]], [[Batshit Insane|Michelle Bachman]], St. Louis Cardinals first baseman [[Steroids|Albert Pujlos]] and team manger [[Old|Tony La Russa]].

{{quote|The plan that [[pretty cool guy|eH]] would have me articulate, is get behind [[Me]] -- and I don't mean 'me,' I mean Him. [[mantrain|Get behind Me. Stand behind Me]].|Perfessor Beck}}

Any similarities between Professor Beck's The Plan and [[Mein Kampf]] are purely coincidental. As is the fact that this date is the anniversary of [[Martin Luther King]]'s landmark '''"I have a dream(sickle)"''' [[Civil Rights]] speech at those very feets.

==Beck/Palin 2012==

{{stub}}
[[File:Sarah-palin-glenn-beck.jpg|thumb|You know you love it]]
[[File:Palinbeck2012.jpg|thumb|left|[[SFB]]]]
[[File:Beck_palin.jpg|thumb|left|Be afraid...be '''very''' afraid]]
[[File:Palin-beck_button.jpg|thumb|You will [[shit bricks]]]]
[[File:Alg_palin_beck.jpg|thumb|left|Palin and Beck at Glenn Beck's Nuremberg Rally]]
[[File:Palin-beck_2012.gif|thumb|''See Also'': [[ego]].]]

'''Palin/Beck''' is the unholy union of [[Sarah Palin]] and her [[BFF]] fanboi [[Glenn Beck]] (or visa versa) that [[Teabaggers]] and [[Randroids]] pray to [[God]] for [[wet dream|every night]] to run for [[president|office]] in [[2012]] to wrestle back the [[USA]] from the evil [[Commie]] state that [[The Jewnited States]] has become after two years of tyrannical rule under [[Comrade Obama]].

[[Some argue]] that the [[Mayans]] predicted this horrendous coupling when they compiled their calendar that avers that the world will indeed end in [[2012]] when they -obviously- get elected by the retarded masses in America.

This [[creepypasta|horrific scenario]] could only get any worse if these two children of Satan mated and spawned millions of little Gremlin [[teabaggers]]. That said, seeing as Glenn Beck is a drug-addled alky and Sarah Palin is hawt if you're wearing [[goggles|beer goggles]], it's only a matter of time.

==Vidyas==

<center><youtube>tMO_h_ZK0Mk</youtube></center>

==Gallery of a Madman==
{{cg|Gallery|Beck2|center|<gallery>
Image:KomradBeck.jpg|Glenn Beck now calls himself Comrade and is infatuated by [[Karl Marx|old school Bolshevism]] after his psychiatrist tryied a new combination of pills for his ADHD.
Image:Glenn beck fails.png|Glenn Beck fails at everything.
Image:BeckFrogbook.jpg‎| This time its safe to judge a book by its cover.
Image:Beck4prez.png|Incumbent President Professor Glenn Beck. Notice bright-eyed supporter in front.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Beck-koolaid n.jpg ‎
‎File:Beck tinfoil.jpg ‎
Image:BeckHypnosis.gif |Conservatives gearing up to tackle the Obama crisis.
Image:Glennbecknazi.jpg |Der Scheiße Führer.
Image:Glennhiltonperezbeck.jpg‎ | Glenn Hilton or Perez Beck? Either way, that's one fat faggot!
Image:Naked-beck.jpg |Glenn Beck hearts Mugwump jism.
File:Cartman-beck.jpg
File:MadHatterBeck.jpg
File:GlenBeckHatter.jpg
File:BeckmaskSMALL-1.jpg
File:Glenn beck retarded crying.png
</gallery>}}

==See Also==
*[[Bill O'Reilly]]
*[[Caiden Cowger]]
*[[Douchebag]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Faux News]]
*[[Hal Turner]]
*[[Mark Levin]]
*[[Michael Savage]]
*[[Palin/Beck]]
*[[Ron Paul]]
*[[Rush Limbaugh]]
*[[Sarah Palin]]

==Resources==
*[mailto:webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com glenbeck912project]
*[http://www.glennbeck.com/ glennbeck.com]
*[http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/ foxforum]
*[http://DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com]
*[http://gatsome.com/2009/09/01/glenn-beck-raped-and-murdered-a-girl-in-1990/ gatsome with link to this very page]
*http://unreasonablysafe.com/2009/09/01/beckrape/
*http://www.deathblow.org/
*[http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/255332 Glenn Beck on South Park]
*[http://glennbeckinsults.com/wordpress/images/ rape and murder 1990 images]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn9MbQscz1w Asking Sarah Palin 'Why do I hear your voice? I'm not in the kitchen.']
{{foxnews}}
{{Mediawhores}}
{{Television}}
{{gayrepublicans}}
{{RapeSeries}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:Memes]]

Houston

2026-03-29T06:38:55Z

Crow caw:

[[Image:Niggerstakeoverfacebook.png|thumb|Houstonians]]

Also known as the "City of [[Fat|Sin]]" (in a <s>sad</s> bad-ass attempt to one-up Las Vegas), Houston is the largest city in "[[Texas]]".
It's the largest city in terms of overall sprawl, it's the largest city in terms of population (numbers) and it's the largest city in terms of population size (XXXXL). Seriously, these are some seriously fat ppl. Notice how Houston is the only TX city that ever receives national news media attention: because the pro-car biased mainstream media views this terrible sprawling wasteland as the future. Fuck car cult(ure)!

The area of Houston was once inhabited by [[Indian|injuns]] but was later reclaimed after [[Mexicans]] killed them all for [[beer]]. [[LOL]], years later Americans came and ate all the Mexican tacos and the Mexicans had to move to [[California]]. [[LOL]], then the [[niggers]]s came from a <s>time portal</s> New Orleans and bawwwwed Houston into taking them in, making it more [[ghetto]]. It is most known for its bad traffic and obesity rates (as a result of car dependence disguised as MUH FREEDUMB!!).

Also the mayor of Houston is an old hwhite bald oil billionaire named John. Take that negroes!

==Attractions==
Moar [[nigga|nigz]]!

Moar highways!

Moar lane, bro!

Moar suburban sprawl!

[[Image:Bud_montage.jpg|right|thumb|Horse [[piss]] and water: the taste [[America]] craves.]]Houston is also home to a [[Budweiser]] <s>Beer brewery, which has caused the entire city to smell like [[shit]]</s> Distribution Warehouse. The horses from which they draw the [[beer]]'s main ingredient are immortalized at the front of building. On rainy days a passing tourist might even spot the facility's [[patent]]ed method of adding a perfect mix of water to their brew.

From 1968 to 2005, Houston was home to Astroworld, where the [[teenagers]] from all around wasted their summers, and where familes spent quality time together. In 2005, Six Flags' [[Fag|CEO]] annouced that Astroworld [[Goodnight Sweet Prince|would be closed]], so that they could sell the land to developers for [[over 9000]] jew gold. However, after the site was cleared, it was sold for less than half of what was expected, and [[Srsly|the land is only used as a big fucking parking lot for the rodeo]]. As if Houston doesn't have enough parking lots.

Don't forget about [[Mexicans|Taqueria Arandas]].

==Kolaches==
When the people of Houston founded their city with [[lazy|sloth]] and [[fat|corpulence]] the top two civic virtues they needed to invent a way they could jam the most calories into their faces as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Voilà: the Kolache, a [[Europe|Central European]] pastry that serves as breakfast food. It is commonly stuffed with [[Pen0r|sausage]], egg, cream cheese, fake fruit, jalapeños, cheese and [[Fat|lard]]. Everyone and everywhere in Houston between 5:00 AM and noon eat roughly a dozen of these artery-hardening confections. Each has approximately 450 calories.

==People & Neighborhoods==
Houston is a city of contrasts well separated by its highway system ([[Segregation|by design]]).

'''Inside the 610 Loop - General'''

People here are constantly drunk or stoned on delta 8. This is why they seem so friendly. The moment you get outside the 610 Loop, some redneck is going to pop a cap in your ass.

'''Inside the 610 Loop - Downtown'''

This is where white people commute two hours to get to every morning. They work for big oil and gas companies that lobby the government for one more lane, bro(!!) and they plan their day around where to go for lunch (Chili's) and how early they can get out of work to beat the traffic home (2:00 pm). Also downtown you will often see Mexican labor crews working on building more highways and parking lots or going to and from their restaurant jobs on the bus or laughably tiny tram system while rich Tesla-driving suburbanites complain about Texas getting "California'd" because they have to look at minorities and poor people. The last group you might see downtown are female black administrative assistants. They are the only people that do any real work and they get paid 1% more than the Mexicans working at Chili's.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, west of Downtown - Montrose'''

Just west of the urban sprawl of downtown, the Montrose district of Houston is well-known for overpriced Greek eateries, incompetent bartenders, and
the kind of full-on Jew debauchery that would generally be associated with a [[gay]] bathhouse. Known as the "MAN-trose" to those in the know, this is a great place to find varying degrees of the slothful homeless and the stains of fresh semen throughout the back alleyways. For many this is the center of urban nightlife in Houston, and it is possible to find an all-bareback poz party at any time of the day. Individuals new to the city will know they've reached this historic district when they are being approached by several homeless men begging for spare change and strange men promising satisfying [[Fellatio|blowjobs]]. This is where the American version of [[Doug Ford]] known as Shitfire (aka Whitmire) hails from. Also the [[Aneros]] factory is located here.

Don't try raising a family in Montrose unless you want your kid asking why that cowboy isn't wearing pants, and why Tonto is on a leash.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, east of Downtown - The Wards'''

Full of [[niggers]] and crack whores. Going 2 blocks in will result in you getting robbed, shot, raped, and shot again.

'''Between 610 and Beltway 8, south of Westheimer - Ghetto'''

This is the ghetto. It's a swirling chaotic cesspool of violence and crime. Many factors contribute to the size and danger of this ghetto. They include:

#<del>Racism</del>LAZINESS preventing any [[black]] males from getting jobs.
#Tensions between the black man and the [[Mexicans]].
#[[Rednecks|Texans]] love guns and think everyone should have two for each hand.
#Proximity to the border means they're standing in a flood of incoming Mexican drugs.
#Spec's liquor stores and their [[Alcoholic|get 2 for 1 specials]].
#It's hot and humid and that makes people go nuts with guns.
#The spics are too stupid to learn English and are even illiterate in their native Spanish language.

'''Between Beltway 8 and Highway 6 - Suburbs'''

This is where the [[white people]] live in their gated communities. Everyone has a three car garage (for the three Lincoln Navigators), a heated swimmin' pool (cement pond), a 4,000 square foot house without a basement and a dog the size of a horse. No minorities are allowed to live here. During the day you might see some Mexican people cleaning houses or cutting lawns but they should be gone by the time you finish your 3 hour commute home from work. Most of the white people attend [[Fresh Prince|Bellaire High School]] where there is a lot of affirmative action niggers and Jews. [[Trap]]!!!

'''Outside Highway 6 - Plains'''

This is where "cowboys" live. They all drive pickup trucks and they greet each other by shooting at nearby objects. Your status here is determined by the size of your belt buckle. In reality, nobody here is a cowboy, they're all white folks who are retired or crazy and wear cowboy costumes to make themselves feel more manly.

'''Northern Suburbs - Kingwood/Porter/Atascocita/Spring'''

Get yer church hat on. People north of Greenspoint, aka Gunspoint, secretly drink Natural Light at home when they're not out at Chili's pretending to mingle with the neighbors. You will be shot with a rifle or robbed at some point, and if you're not, you'll be run over by an eight-year-old on a four-wheeler. People go to these suburbs when they are too suicidal to even live inside the loop. Spring has a crawfish boil each year, where you will find everything but crawfish; however, if you've been waiting for Ted Nugent to play a live show, you're in luck.

Fun Fact: Everyone at the Kingwood Starbucks is actually on a layover from Bush International.

'''Magnolia County - The Woodlands'''

Just north of Spring is the [[Rich|developed community]] of The Woodlands. As it's outside of Harris county the taxes are next to nothing, which has resulted in young families moving north and spending their trust funds on high-end delis, Starbucks, and dogs the size of horses. Everyone hear either lives in million dollar mansions with a country club for a back yard or shady apartments which also happen to have country clubs in their back yard. There are no recent college graduates here - everyone is either under 18 or in their early 40s. In other words, rich and boring. Notably infested with mosquitoes. Only plus side: The Woodlands is walkable and has decent bike trails, unlike the highway-infested Houston itself.

'''Magnolia County - Conroe/Magnolia'''

Trade your BMW or Lexus for a F250, cowboy boots, and illiteracy. The average speed limit on I-45 in this area is in the triple digits, even through the constant construction that makes downtown Houston look quiet. Conroe is also a haven for illegal immigrants and recently released inmates, as it's right between Houston and [[Prison|Huntsville]]. Huntsville used to be known as the "death capital of the Americas" before [[Tampa]] succeeded it. The plus-sized trashiness is only matched by the plus-sized inhabitants, whose favorite pastimes include riding their rascals at Walmart and wiggling fishing poles at Academy. Speaking English in this area carries a mandatory death sentence. Magnolia, meanwhile, is too busy brewing moonshine and shooting coloured folk to be bothered. In fact, [[you]] should go bother them, as [[Fact|they totally won't shoot at you for trespassing]]. [[Autistic]] people are completely banned from entering Conroe and will immediately be shot dead by their pigs with badges on sight. What is this, [[Florida]]?

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and West of 288'''

In Houston itself- Memorial, Westchase, and Alief. A major snore-fest, nothing but boring white people and [[azns]] with their houses, and all their shitty fast food joints, supermarkets, consumer goods outlets, and Starbucks they need to thrive.

Fort Bend County- Sugar Land, Stafford, and Missouri City. [[George Carlin|All you got is mile after mile of mall after mall...they put the mini-malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts. And in between the mini-marts you got your car lots, gas stations, auto shops, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores]]. This area is nothing but [[America|a soulless cesspool of consumerism]]. Sure, there was the Imperial Sugar mill, but a lot of that got [[banhammered]] several years ago. You can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time here. Interestingly enough, Fort Bend County is a [[democrat|demoncrap farty]] stronghold due to it being one of the few parts of the area with a large [[chink]] and [[curry nigger]] population. Meanwhile, the Chinese, [[Arab]] and [[Indian]] migrants in the northern suburbs of [[Dallas|Houston's arch nemesis]] have gone the opposite direction and vote repub. Despite its liberal-ish tendencies, the Asian population has copied the bad habits of beating kids with belts (not beltway, retard!) from the Amerikunt rednecks. What is this, [[Singapore]]? I wish. At least they have real public transit.

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and East of 288'''

Brazoria and Galveston Counties (Pearland, Friendswood, and League City): Just more [[rich]] [[white]] assholes and their [[faggoty]] [[golf|golf courses]]. Mostly NASA workers, government contractors, and other aerospace-techie types live here. Planes taking off from Hobby can be constantly seen over one's head here.

In Houston- Clear Lake and Ellington: [[Space]]! This is where the astronauts train for their roles in <s>space exploration</s> fake spaceflight movies filmed in the basement of JSC. Also an old Air Force Base that's mostly civilian stuff now, but one ANG unit is still active. The only thing scarier than the constant threat of space shuttle explosions is the golden orb weaver spiders found here.

In Harris County- Pasadena, Deer Park, La Porte, etc.: HERE BE DRAGONS. This is quite literally the armpit of the Houston area (it smells like one too.) Nothing but chemical plants and the ship channel. The sun shines about five times a year in this area from all the pollution. Nothing but poor white people and illiterate [[Mexicans]] live here. The types of people the creepy pervert David M. Fleisher wants to rape to death. No public transit exists here at all. No wonder air quality is so bad. Not to be confused with its equally car-dependent namesake thousands of kilometres west in [[LA]].

Further east- Beaumont and Port Arthur are two small cities with worse air quality than [[Beijing]] and moar scary spiders! Walking instead of driving carries mandatory death sentence. Whites are a minority and the [[negroes]] let you know it. Don't take a taxi here unless you want to die.

==Sports==
'''Houston Astros''': A piece of shit team that plays a game revolving around who can shoot the most [['Roids|steroids]] into a teammate's ass cheek.

While the team may be a piece of crap the Astrodome is <s>not</s>craptastic . It has housed thousands of former niggers of the flooded [[New Orleans]]. Unlike the other shitty states of America, [[Texas]] is <s>usually the most reliable</s> JK it always sucks.

'''Houston Rockets''': A team that was good in the 90s thanks to all the players suicide bombing the other teams to appease [[Muslim|Allah]]. Since Rick Perry has since given permission for Texans to shoot Arabs on site, the team now sucks. Attending a Rockets game is also a very convenient way to get robbed.

'''Houston Texans''': Holy shit, we were in the playoffs this year?!

'''Houston Aeros''': Nobody in Houston gives a shit about hockey.

'''Houston Dynamo''': Major League Soccer team that [[noone]] gives a fuck about outside the Hispanic race and bandwagon bros who think it makes you edgy to like soccer.

==Sitting In Metal Pods==

There is no visiting Houston, there is only sitting in traffic in Houston. The outside world has to send in food trucks to people in their car once a week. No one hears from them again. The truth is: 2.3 million people live in Houston and they are always on the highway. [[Budweiser]] has tried to send out word to the outside world about this truth. But unfortunately, [[Stupid|they]] tried to do it on [[Fox News|Faux News]]. Everyone watching is having a hard time trying to get out of [[George Bush]]'s ass much less a large asshole city... but even those people aren't watching [[Fox News|Faux]] and [[Friends]]. If you dare to suggest building public transport or bike lanes as an alternative to driving, the car-loving politicians will brutally execute you via botched lethal injection with 300 litres of pure crude oil into your blood. A modern urban metropolis? No, this is 'Murica, where one moar lane bro rules all! Liveable cities are for those pussy [[Europe|Eurofags]]!

==See Also==
* [[Ghetto]]
* [[Crap]]
* [[WTF]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Obesity]]
* [[Traffic]]
* [[Gay]]
* [[Viper]] - Rapper that specifies in the autism genre, originates from here.
* [[NotJustBikes]] - [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] "refugee" billionaire who ran away like a coward to Amsterdam in his 10 private jets and 20 yachts just because he doesn't want to live on the same continent as Houston, which [[dumbass|he thinks represents all of North America]].

{{Afro}}
{{unitedstates}}

[[Category:Locations]]

No Kings

2026-03-29T06:20:32Z

Crow caw: fuck nk

[[File:No Kings Logo - Gold Sticker.JPEG|340px|right]]

'''#NoKings™''' is an astroturfed protest "movement" against USA President Donald Trump, which was ironically founded by [[Hillary Clinton|smug]] [[white]] [[liberal|libs]] who call each other King and Queen. The #NoKings™ protests were intentionally designed to be as compliant and non-disruptive as possible, to politically cover the asses of the founders, as if skeeting around some stupid hashtag around on [[Bluesky]] is effective at fighting fascism. Although they appear in large numbers, they make no demands of their representative government, air no complaints grounded in [[economy|material]] [[reality]], and generally do not challenge power outside of ineffectual finger wagging.

Even the communists on [[Reddit|reddit's]] r/shitliberalssay made fun of the "No Kings" idiots. As expected, most of the protesters are [[NotJustBikes|rich, white, age 60+ SUV-driving McMansion-owning suburbanites]] who spend every hour on social media sucking the cocks of California's current Governor, Gavin Newsom as well as and [[Joe Walsh]]. These are the type of imbeciles who watch [[MSNBC]] religiously, hate [[poor]] people and still won't [[STFU]] about "[[Holocaust|January 6th]]" 5 years after the fact. The protesters don't give a fuck about [[niggers|minorities]] or [[spics|foreigners]], express frustration at the stupid [[Walmart|service workers]] from the [[Central America|turd-world]] who [[illiterate|can't speak English]], and gladly supported ICE raids when [[Biden]] was president, support [[Israel]], embrace [[Randal O'Toole|NIMBYism]], and support [[Slavery|tough-on-crime]] mass incarceration bullshit. #NoKings™ is not even a real protest; it's just a social gathering to vent anger while wearing stupid cringe Star Wars and Disney costumes and holding up bumper sticker slogan signs. The fact that the "protests" are planned and require RSVP and collect personal data of attendees indicates that the organisers are feds.

== Baby's First Protest ==
<center><gallery>
File:No Kings (logo, stacked).png
File:No kings logo Oct 18 2025.jpg
File:No kings signs - The Lyin' King.jpg
File:No kings the only orange man i support cheetos sign.jpg
</gallery></center>

==External Links==
*[https://www.nokings.org No Kings website]

{{Sj}}
{{Politics}}
{{Trump}}
[[Category:2025]][[Category:IRL Shit]]

Florida

2026-03-28T18:58:39Z

Crow caw: /* Notable Floridians and Related Articles */

{{spoiler|florida was recently assraped to death by yet another [[SANDYLOOTCREW|hurricane]]}}
[[Image:ShoweR_florida.jpg|thumb|Florida is known for its rain.]]
[[Image:FloridaFun.JPG|thumb|left|[[truth|Contrary to myth, Florida is actually a major cultural center]].]]
[[Image:Alligatorservice.jpg|thumb|[[Lies|Wildlife are extremely friendly there.]]]]
[[Image:Floridodo.jpg|thumb|After breakfast, take a nap on the kitchen floor.]]
[[Image:Crazed1.jpg|thumb|Same shit, different day]]

[[Image:Florida-ba.gif|thumb|The [[final solution]]]]

Once upon a time God decided to create a place where old jews and Republican spics could all live in relative harmony - so he made Florida, America's dick. Seriously, look at the shape of the state. It's in the shape of a flaccid penis. That should tell you enough. Of course God didn't expect anything of value to come from this colossal shithole, he just made it for the [[lulz]].

Right up there with [[China]], [[Nigeria]] and Eastern Europe, Florida's incorporation and fraud laws combine with a lack of cooperation with other states' investigations to create a safe haven for all sorts of predatory fucks with a front as legal businesses. Florida gains attention on the [[internets]] by being [[spam]] central. However, scamming in Florida has a long and sordid history that predates the Internet. Boca Raton once proudly proclaimed itself to be the telemarketing capital of the world with the joke that BR actually stood for Boiler Room. '''B'''ut it doesn't '''R'''eally matter, since everyone in Florida is '''B'''latantly '''R'''etarded.

It's not just spam, either. Huge numbers of pre-recorded telemarketing calls originate from Florida. Florida telemarketers can ignore the Federal TCPA that makes pre-recorded calls illegal, because the Florida AG protects, insulates, and accepts bribes from [[tele-marketers]].

Fake sweepstakes aimed at the elderly show up in your mailbox? Likely from Florida. A too-good-to-be-true vacation offer to DisneyWorld or the Caribbean? A Florida cut-and-run travel agency. When you watch late night TV, start counting how many infomercials for investments, work-at-home or other get-rich-quick schemes have you dealing with someone in Florida.

Clearwater, the home of the Church o' [[Scientology]], is located in Florida, only proving what dumb shits the [[retard|Floridites]] are for allowing them a foothold in the US.

Along with being shaped liek a [[retard|retard's]] [[faggot|dildo]] ([[PROTIP]]: It used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing toward Britfags, until all the [[old people]] moved down into it and made it hang limp), Florida is well known as Cape Dementia, the land of the dead, the cemetery without down payment, and a paradise for the retired dying waste that are [[babyfuck|baby]] [[goatse|boomers]]. The state is has [[over nine thousand]] seniors, which make it a fucking [[Snapesnogger|nightmare]] to drive anywhere (and it's not like there are any viable public transit options), maneuver a cart through [[7-11|Walmart]] or even walk down the street. You can be sure if you live here that you will get to see many-a grey-haired fucker die. Meanwhile, in North Florida, the Administrative Wing, there are lots of [[drugs]] to smoke, and even though North Florida has a more hellishly hot climate than even [[Miami]], many choose to settle there to become state bureaucratic commandants and take care of everybody real good.

When terrorists chose to attack America, they headed straight for the Huffman Aviation flight school in Venice, Florida. The school is run by a superjew named Rudi Dekkers. Who else would [[retard|train them to fly without training them to land]]?

Although most [[fascism|American political thinkers]] agree on the necessity of eventually solving "The Florida Question," there remains disagreement on how best to go about it. While some advocate sealing the border, performing a tactical nuclear strike on the state's major urban centers, and then waiting for the inhabitants to [[death|die]] off over the course of time, groups like the [[furries|ASPCA]] have argued that Floridians may possess an [[Bayeux Tapestry|archaic]] form of self-awareness, thus raising [[abortion|ethical questions]] about such methods.

Fortunately, the Florida question will be solved by global warming, as all it will take is two more inches of rising ocean to drown this foul nest of old folk's homes and retard breeding forever.

Good news, [[pain|sick fucks]]: [[bestiality]] is not [[banned|illegal]] in Florida.

Florida is also home to [[drug|oxycontin]] where it was invented [[at least 100 years ago]] by [[Jews]] hoping they could destroy the pure white 11 toed Aryan population that resides only in the deep hill country of Appalachia. Fifty of the top Fifty doctors who prescribe the most oxycontin reside in the state of Florida, making Florida the premier source of hillbilly heroin. And with their city Lakeland,FL where most niggers reside and
smoke mad blunts and heroin every day, they wanna have sex with your mom and fuck you and make statements claiming that your gay because you don't have
fifty bucks to fuck you up. And since most niggers are sick fucks in florida, you niggers can suck dick.

It's also truly proven that it's sick fuck city, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside (along with their idol Grady Judd) and people who disagree with your statements, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside in and most people get sexually harassed and fucked over. [[Anonymous|Judge us]] and we'll prove you're wrong, home to the most fucked up trolls and we'll shoot your ass and [[Retard|hope]] your mom. We do not forgive our hate against Florida, [[English#The_English_Language|We]] will never forget, [[Nigger#Communication|Nevar]] forget.

And if you're one of those [[Fag|emo kids]] who live in the state, you are evil, gay, smoke 50 blunts, have threesomes everyday, get your ass beat up by school cops, killed by cops in Tampa, publicly humiliated by Grady Judd, arrested by the freedom of speech-hating sheriff offices of Polk and Volusia Counties, and you can all die in hell. Enjoy your fucked up life in the state and in the evil city. You sick fucks.

==Weather==

Hot with a 100% chance of being [[Nigger|mugged]] in the summer. The average temperature in Florida in the summer is hotter than your mom fucking with Fidel Castro in a Cuban sandwich press.

Due to being the second hottest state, the men here are incredibly fucking smelly. Women in Florida like that though, due to being retarded fucking cunts who have mistaken what is truly "hot"

It's as cold as Ditchrot somehow in the winter.

Also it's humid as hell there too since the whole place is a bigger, wetter hole than your mother's pussy and the sun shines all the fucking time. Seriously, what normal people call "walking" is "swimming" in Florida. If you want to dry off, jump on a lake, unless you're afraid of man-eating crocodilians, murderous vipers, and infectious algae like the pussy you are.

==People of Florida==
[[Image:mugshot.png|thumb|center|600px|[http://www.google.com.hk/search?q=florida+mugshots Native Floridians in their natural habitat]]] 
{|style="margin: auto;"
|<center><youtube>DvvgzQ-Itog</youtube></center>
|}

==Economy==
[[Image:Florida-bucketoffail.jpg|thumb|[[Yes|Does Florida suck big dicks?]]]]
===Exports===
*Crystal Meth
*Flight Trained Terrorist
*Broke tourist coming home from Disney World
*Retarded Politicians
*E. Coli Infected Produce
*Guatemalan Babies
*[[White trash]] [[faggots]]
*[[White trash|Trailor Park Princesses]]
*Young [[Mangina|manginas]]
*Fear of crime
*Police brutality
*[[Hitler|Grady Judd]], the failed comedian turned dictator of Polk County
*[[Mike Chitwood]] (Shitwood), the [[liberal]] version of Judd who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].
*Police presence in [[prison|schools]]
*FREEDUMB!!
*Culture wars
*Sex offenders
*[[Death penalty|Government-sponsored mass murder]]
*Cuban commies
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Child abuse
*Police bootlickers
*[[Action 52]]
*Bloodthirsty killers known as sheriffs
*Raging maniac fugly ass bald bitches and whiny brat trolls violently crusading for gun control as a publicity stunt taking advantage of a tragedy to get on TV
*The nation's highest rates of police killings and pedestrians killed by drivers
*Failed presidential candidates
*DIDNY WORL!

===Imports===
*[[Drugs]]
*Old People
*Mexicans and Cubans
*[[Retards|Tourists]]
*[[Your mom|Your mom]]
*Police [[bullshit|training and tactics]] from an obscure organisation in [[Jew Nersey]]
*Lethal injection drugs from [[Connecticut]], despite CT long abolishing its state-level death penalty
*[[Jew|Timeshare scam artists]]
*Death row inmates outsourced by [[California|Adolf Newsom]]
*[[Hitler|Gas chambers]] from Nazi Germany.
*Donald Trump
*Beheading from [[Saudi Arabia]]
*MAGAites
*Car-addicted suburbanites
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Police bootlickers
*NIMBYs
*[[Scum|Real estate investors]]
*New Yorkers
*School bullies
*Tax evaders
*5-metre long pythons
*Censorship
*Grifters
*Canadian architects [[fail|whose condo buildings can't even stay up]]
*Chinks and Kikes
*Niggers
*Moar New Yorkers!

== Traditions of Florida ==
*[[Burn a Koran Day]]
*Sex offender shuffle
*Worshipping Donald Trump and [[Satan|sucking his dick]]
*Police brutality
*[[Lie|Freedom]]
*Running over pedestrians and peaceful protestors
*Child murder
*Violently arresting toddlers
*Ableism
*RAGE!!!
*[[scam|Timeshares]]
*Getting epicly roasted by [[John Oliver]]
*Eating shit
*Gassing Jews 75 years after the Nazis did
*Pretending to care about anti-semitism just to virtue signal and threaten your enemies
*Mass incarceration
*[[Death penalty]] via gas chambers (as in [[Nazi Germany]], even for non-homicide crimes (as in [[Iran]]), because [[North Korea|fuck human rights]].
*Jerking off to the stupid cringe news media attention whoring press conferences of Grady Judd (if you're a MAGAite) or Mike Shitwood (if you're a shitlib)
*[[Randal O'Toole|Jerking off in a jitney]]

==Laws==
Floridians are very proud of their Florida Statutes.

===Sunshine Laws===
Basically news journalists can demand arrest records and write whatever the fuck they want. [[Old Media]] exploits this fact by dramatically and incorrectly reporting on things that will trigger [[Conservatism|consericucks]] and [[Liberalism|libtards]]. They run lots of "Florida Man" articles, making the word Florida Man become synonymous with meth-addicted [[redneck]]s who do stupid shit and get arrested.

===Stand Your Ground===
Known to the locals as a "Nigger Huntin' License," the Stand Your Ground law allows white people to get away with murder, as long as the "victim" is a [[Not_Black_people|nigger]]. Exceptions are made for some [[spics]] like George Zimmerman, the brave hero who shot down an unarmed black teen named [[Trayvon Martin]]. Zimmerman is a hero to many [[White_Nationalism|inbred redneck faggots who think demographic shifts are white genocide]]. Florida was the first state to write such a law, inspiring many other states in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts]] to do the same.

== Aliens hate Florida ==
<center><youtube>A8zsdIQe9UQ</youtube></center>

==Notable Floridians and Related Articles==
[[Image:Nukeflorida.jpg|thumb|There's an idea.]]
[[File:Floridaman.png|thumb]]
[[File:Man vs gator0.jpg|thumb]]
*[[Alligator]]s
*[[Alec Difrawi]]
*[[Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto]] - Originally of [[Jew York|Staten Island, New York]], but recently moved to America's Wang in an obvious political publicity stunt.
*[[Blueshinewolf]]
*[[Bob Allen]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[¡Jeb!|Jeb Bush]]
*[[Danny]]
*[[Retard|David Hogg]] - raging lunatic and news media attention whore
*[[Destiny]] - biggest scumbag on the internet
*[[Disney|Disney World]]
*[[Donald Buffkin]]
*[[Donald Trump]]
*[[Doopie DoOver]] Trailor Park Princess and [[Internet poor|Notorious E-Begger]]
*[[DJ Skeptik]]
*[[Dyke|Emma Gonzales]] - fugly ass bald psychopath cunt and another news media attention whore
*[[Fort Lauderdale]]- World's boomer capital
*[[Grady Judd]] - failed comedian turned dictator of [[North Korea|Polk County]]
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - the liberal version of Judd in [[Hell|Volusia County]]
*Wayne Ivey - another "sheriff" who masturbates to ISIS beheading videos on gore websites
*[[Trayvon Martin|George Zimmerman]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[billionaire|Jess Morris]] - sexy but also a rich sociopath
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[JoshU2uber]]
*[[Kelly Kalogerakos]]
*[[Libertarian Fox]]
*[[Mark Foley]]
*[[Miami]]
*[[Niggers|Negroes]]
*[[Old people]]
*[[Pedobear]]
*[[Pulse Nightclub Massacre]] - Happened here.
*[[Ryulong]]
*Simone Gold - fake doctor and [[anti-vaxxer]]
*[[Sora Del Corazon]] - Cuban Sonicfag that lives in Florida.
*[[SuperMarioLogan]] - A very lulzy YouTuber who plays with plushies and doxxed his house so his "fans" can come over.
*[[Tablecow]]
*[[Hell|Tampa]] - officially dubbed the Death Capital of the Americas, this city combines everything wrong with the state and takes it to the extreme.
*[[Violence|Shayla A. Muldrow]]
*[[The Mulberry Eight]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]] - Was pwned here in [[2012]].
*[[Satan]]
*[[Spics]]
*[[Terri Schiavo]]
*[[The Florida Tweenie Rapists]]
*[[University of Florida Taser incident]]
*[[Nicolas Cruz]]
*[[Connor Larramore]] - A babyfur retard [[BPD|annoying]] scizo who's obsessed with poly relationships, who's also a noteable ween/white knight to [[Keegan Salisbury]].
*[[Ass|Brittany Tareco]] - sexy fishing champion
*[[Whore|Vicky Stark]] - 50-year-old [[OnlyFans]] slut who's had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery

== External links ==
*[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2004-07-19-spam-central_x.htm USA Today: Florida delivers sunshine and spam.]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050213091710/http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/fred_grimm/5964205.htm?1c Bogus Boca.]
 
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 16 & July 17, [[2013]]|[[Racism]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[s4s/|/s4s/]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article August 7 & August 8, [[2024]]|[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Cocaine]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 19 & 20, [[2025]]|[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Turkey Tom]]}}

Florida

2026-03-28T18:55:51Z

Crow caw: /* Traditions of Florida */

{{spoiler|florida was recently assraped to death by yet another [[SANDYLOOTCREW|hurricane]]}}
[[Image:ShoweR_florida.jpg|thumb|Florida is known for its rain.]]
[[Image:FloridaFun.JPG|thumb|left|[[truth|Contrary to myth, Florida is actually a major cultural center]].]]
[[Image:Alligatorservice.jpg|thumb|[[Lies|Wildlife are extremely friendly there.]]]]
[[Image:Floridodo.jpg|thumb|After breakfast, take a nap on the kitchen floor.]]
[[Image:Crazed1.jpg|thumb|Same shit, different day]]

[[Image:Florida-ba.gif|thumb|The [[final solution]]]]

Once upon a time God decided to create a place where old jews and Republican spics could all live in relative harmony - so he made Florida, America's dick. Seriously, look at the shape of the state. It's in the shape of a flaccid penis. That should tell you enough. Of course God didn't expect anything of value to come from this colossal shithole, he just made it for the [[lulz]].

Right up there with [[China]], [[Nigeria]] and Eastern Europe, Florida's incorporation and fraud laws combine with a lack of cooperation with other states' investigations to create a safe haven for all sorts of predatory fucks with a front as legal businesses. Florida gains attention on the [[internets]] by being [[spam]] central. However, scamming in Florida has a long and sordid history that predates the Internet. Boca Raton once proudly proclaimed itself to be the telemarketing capital of the world with the joke that BR actually stood for Boiler Room. '''B'''ut it doesn't '''R'''eally matter, since everyone in Florida is '''B'''latantly '''R'''etarded.

It's not just spam, either. Huge numbers of pre-recorded telemarketing calls originate from Florida. Florida telemarketers can ignore the Federal TCPA that makes pre-recorded calls illegal, because the Florida AG protects, insulates, and accepts bribes from [[tele-marketers]].

Fake sweepstakes aimed at the elderly show up in your mailbox? Likely from Florida. A too-good-to-be-true vacation offer to DisneyWorld or the Caribbean? A Florida cut-and-run travel agency. When you watch late night TV, start counting how many infomercials for investments, work-at-home or other get-rich-quick schemes have you dealing with someone in Florida.

Clearwater, the home of the Church o' [[Scientology]], is located in Florida, only proving what dumb shits the [[retard|Floridites]] are for allowing them a foothold in the US.

Along with being shaped liek a [[retard|retard's]] [[faggot|dildo]] ([[PROTIP]]: It used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing toward Britfags, until all the [[old people]] moved down into it and made it hang limp), Florida is well known as Cape Dementia, the land of the dead, the cemetery without down payment, and a paradise for the retired dying waste that are [[babyfuck|baby]] [[goatse|boomers]]. The state is has [[over nine thousand]] seniors, which make it a fucking [[Snapesnogger|nightmare]] to drive anywhere (and it's not like there are any viable public transit options), maneuver a cart through [[7-11|Walmart]] or even walk down the street. You can be sure if you live here that you will get to see many-a grey-haired fucker die. Meanwhile, in North Florida, the Administrative Wing, there are lots of [[drugs]] to smoke, and even though North Florida has a more hellishly hot climate than even [[Miami]], many choose to settle there to become state bureaucratic commandants and take care of everybody real good.

When terrorists chose to attack America, they headed straight for the Huffman Aviation flight school in Venice, Florida. The school is run by a superjew named Rudi Dekkers. Who else would [[retard|train them to fly without training them to land]]?

Although most [[fascism|American political thinkers]] agree on the necessity of eventually solving "The Florida Question," there remains disagreement on how best to go about it. While some advocate sealing the border, performing a tactical nuclear strike on the state's major urban centers, and then waiting for the inhabitants to [[death|die]] off over the course of time, groups like the [[furries|ASPCA]] have argued that Floridians may possess an [[Bayeux Tapestry|archaic]] form of self-awareness, thus raising [[abortion|ethical questions]] about such methods.

Fortunately, the Florida question will be solved by global warming, as all it will take is two more inches of rising ocean to drown this foul nest of old folk's homes and retard breeding forever.

Good news, [[pain|sick fucks]]: [[bestiality]] is not [[banned|illegal]] in Florida.

Florida is also home to [[drug|oxycontin]] where it was invented [[at least 100 years ago]] by [[Jews]] hoping they could destroy the pure white 11 toed Aryan population that resides only in the deep hill country of Appalachia. Fifty of the top Fifty doctors who prescribe the most oxycontin reside in the state of Florida, making Florida the premier source of hillbilly heroin. And with their city Lakeland,FL where most niggers reside and
smoke mad blunts and heroin every day, they wanna have sex with your mom and fuck you and make statements claiming that your gay because you don't have
fifty bucks to fuck you up. And since most niggers are sick fucks in florida, you niggers can suck dick.

It's also truly proven that it's sick fuck city, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside (along with their idol Grady Judd) and people who disagree with your statements, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside in and most people get sexually harassed and fucked over. [[Anonymous|Judge us]] and we'll prove you're wrong, home to the most fucked up trolls and we'll shoot your ass and [[Retard|hope]] your mom. We do not forgive our hate against Florida, [[English#The_English_Language|We]] will never forget, [[Nigger#Communication|Nevar]] forget.

And if you're one of those [[Fag|emo kids]] who live in the state, you are evil, gay, smoke 50 blunts, have threesomes everyday, get your ass beat up by school cops, killed by cops in Tampa, publicly humiliated by Grady Judd, arrested by the freedom of speech-hating sheriff offices of Polk and Volusia Counties, and you can all die in hell. Enjoy your fucked up life in the state and in the evil city. You sick fucks.

==Weather==

Hot with a 100% chance of being [[Nigger|mugged]] in the summer. The average temperature in Florida in the summer is hotter than your mom fucking with Fidel Castro in a Cuban sandwich press.

Due to being the second hottest state, the men here are incredibly fucking smelly. Women in Florida like that though, due to being retarded fucking cunts who have mistaken what is truly "hot"

It's as cold as Ditchrot somehow in the winter.

Also it's humid as hell there too since the whole place is a bigger, wetter hole than your mother's pussy and the sun shines all the fucking time. Seriously, what normal people call "walking" is "swimming" in Florida. If you want to dry off, jump on a lake, unless you're afraid of man-eating crocodilians, murderous vipers, and infectious algae like the pussy you are.

==People of Florida==
[[Image:mugshot.png|thumb|center|600px|[http://www.google.com.hk/search?q=florida+mugshots Native Floridians in their natural habitat]]] 
{|style="margin: auto;"
|<center><youtube>DvvgzQ-Itog</youtube></center>
|}

==Economy==
[[Image:Florida-bucketoffail.jpg|thumb|[[Yes|Does Florida suck big dicks?]]]]
===Exports===
*Crystal Meth
*Flight Trained Terrorist
*Broke tourist coming home from Disney World
*Retarded Politicians
*E. Coli Infected Produce
*Guatemalan Babies
*[[White trash]] [[faggots]]
*[[White trash|Trailor Park Princesses]]
*Young [[Mangina|manginas]]
*Fear of crime
*Police brutality
*[[Hitler|Grady Judd]], the failed comedian turned dictator of Polk County
*[[Mike Chitwood]] (Shitwood), the [[liberal]] version of Judd who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].
*Police presence in [[prison|schools]]
*FREEDUMB!!
*Culture wars
*Sex offenders
*[[Death penalty|Government-sponsored mass murder]]
*Cuban commies
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Child abuse
*Police bootlickers
*[[Action 52]]
*Bloodthirsty killers known as sheriffs
*Raging maniac fugly ass bald bitches and whiny brat trolls violently crusading for gun control as a publicity stunt taking advantage of a tragedy to get on TV
*The nation's highest rates of police killings and pedestrians killed by drivers
*Failed presidential candidates
*DIDNY WORL!

===Imports===
*[[Drugs]]
*Old People
*Mexicans and Cubans
*[[Retards|Tourists]]
*[[Your mom|Your mom]]
*Police [[bullshit|training and tactics]] from an obscure organisation in [[Jew Nersey]]
*Lethal injection drugs from [[Connecticut]], despite CT long abolishing its state-level death penalty
*[[Jew|Timeshare scam artists]]
*Death row inmates outsourced by [[California|Adolf Newsom]]
*[[Hitler|Gas chambers]] from Nazi Germany.
*Donald Trump
*Beheading from [[Saudi Arabia]]
*MAGAites
*Car-addicted suburbanites
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Police bootlickers
*NIMBYs
*[[Scum|Real estate investors]]
*New Yorkers
*School bullies
*Tax evaders
*5-metre long pythons
*Censorship
*Grifters
*Canadian architects [[fail|whose condo buildings can't even stay up]]
*Chinks and Kikes
*Niggers
*Moar New Yorkers!

== Traditions of Florida ==
*[[Burn a Koran Day]]
*Sex offender shuffle
*Worshipping Donald Trump and [[Satan|sucking his dick]]
*Police brutality
*[[Lie|Freedom]]
*Running over pedestrians and peaceful protestors
*Child murder
*Violently arresting toddlers
*Ableism
*RAGE!!!
*[[scam|Timeshares]]
*Getting epicly roasted by [[John Oliver]]
*Eating shit
*Gassing Jews 75 years after the Nazis did
*Pretending to care about anti-semitism just to virtue signal and threaten your enemies
*Mass incarceration
*[[Death penalty]] via gas chambers (as in [[Nazi Germany]], even for non-homicide crimes (as in [[Iran]]), because [[North Korea|fuck human rights]].
*Jerking off to the stupid cringe news media attention whoring press conferences of Grady Judd (if you're a MAGAite) or Mike Shitwood (if you're a shitlib)
*[[Randal O'Toole|Jerking off in a jitney]]

==Laws==
Floridians are very proud of their Florida Statutes.

===Sunshine Laws===
Basically news journalists can demand arrest records and write whatever the fuck they want. [[Old Media]] exploits this fact by dramatically and incorrectly reporting on things that will trigger [[Conservatism|consericucks]] and [[Liberalism|libtards]]. They run lots of "Florida Man" articles, making the word Florida Man become synonymous with meth-addicted [[redneck]]s who do stupid shit and get arrested.

===Stand Your Ground===
Known to the locals as a "Nigger Huntin' License," the Stand Your Ground law allows white people to get away with murder, as long as the "victim" is a [[Not_Black_people|nigger]]. Exceptions are made for some [[spics]] like George Zimmerman, the brave hero who shot down an unarmed black teen named [[Trayvon Martin]]. Zimmerman is a hero to many [[White_Nationalism|inbred redneck faggots who think demographic shifts are white genocide]]. Florida was the first state to write such a law, inspiring many other states in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts]] to do the same.

== Aliens hate Florida ==
<center><youtube>A8zsdIQe9UQ</youtube></center>

==Notable Floridians and Related Articles==
[[Image:Nukeflorida.jpg|thumb|There's an idea.]]
[[File:Floridaman.png|thumb]]
[[File:Man vs gator0.jpg|thumb]]
*[[Alligator]]s
*[[Alec Difrawi]]
*[[Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto]] - Originally of [[Jew York|Staten Island, New York]], but recently moved to America's Wang in an obvious political publicity stunt.
*[[Blueshinewolf]]
*[[Bob Allen]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[¡Jeb!|Jeb Bush]]
*[[Danny]]
*[[Retard|David Hogg]] - raging lunatic and news media attention whore
*[[Destiny]] - biggest scumbag on the internet
*[[Disney|Disney World]]
*[[Donald Buffkin]]
*[[Donald Trump]]
*[[Doopie DoOver]] Trailor Park Princess and [[Internet poor|Notorious E-Begger]]
*[[DJ Skeptik]]
*[[Dyke|Emma Gonzales]] - fugly ass bald psychopath cunt and another news media attention whore
*[[Fort Lauderdale]]- World's boomer capital
*[[Grady Judd]] - failed comedian turned dictator of [[North Korea|Polk County]]
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - the liberal version of Judd in [[Hell|Volusia County]]
*Wayne Ivey - another "sheriff" who masturbates to ISIS beheading videos on gore websites
*[[Trayvon Martin|George Zimmerman]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[billionaire|Jess Morris]] - sexy but also a rich sociopath
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[JoshU2uber]]
*[[Kelly Kalogerakos]]
*[[Libertarian Fox]]
*[[Mark Foley]]
*[[Miami]]
*[[Niggers|Negroes]]
*[[Old people]]
*[[Pedobear]]
*[[Pulse Nightclub Massacre]] - Happened here.
*[[Ryulong]]
*Simone Gold - fake doctor and [[anti-vaxxer]]
*[[Sora Del Corazon]] - Cuban Sonicfag that lives in Florida.
*[[SuperMarioLogan]] - A very lulzy YouTuber who plays with plushies and doxxed his house so his "fans" can come over.
*[[Tablecow]]
*[[Violence|Shayla A. Muldrow]]
*[[The Mulberry Eight]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]] - Was pwned here in [[2012]].
*[[Satan]]
*[[Spics]]
*[[Terri Schiavo]]
*[[The Florida Tweenie Rapists]]
*[[University of Florida Taser incident]]
*[[Nicolas Cruz]]
*[[Connor Larramore]] - A babyfur retard [[BPD|annoying]] scizo who's obsessed with poly relationships, who's also a noteable ween/white knight to [[Keegan Salisbury]].
*[[Ass|Brittany Tareco]] - sexy fishing champion
*[[Whore|Vicky Stark]] - 50-year-old [[OnlyFans]] slut who's had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery

== External links ==
*[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2004-07-19-spam-central_x.htm USA Today: Florida delivers sunshine and spam.]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050213091710/http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/fred_grimm/5964205.htm?1c Bogus Boca.]
 
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 16 & July 17, [[2013]]|[[Racism]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[s4s/|/s4s/]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article August 7 & August 8, [[2024]]|[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Cocaine]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 19 & 20, [[2025]]|[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Turkey Tom]]}}

Florida

2026-03-28T18:51:30Z

Crow caw: /* Exports */

{{spoiler|florida was recently assraped to death by yet another [[SANDYLOOTCREW|hurricane]]}}
[[Image:ShoweR_florida.jpg|thumb|Florida is known for its rain.]]
[[Image:FloridaFun.JPG|thumb|left|[[truth|Contrary to myth, Florida is actually a major cultural center]].]]
[[Image:Alligatorservice.jpg|thumb|[[Lies|Wildlife are extremely friendly there.]]]]
[[Image:Floridodo.jpg|thumb|After breakfast, take a nap on the kitchen floor.]]
[[Image:Crazed1.jpg|thumb|Same shit, different day]]

[[Image:Florida-ba.gif|thumb|The [[final solution]]]]

Once upon a time God decided to create a place where old jews and Republican spics could all live in relative harmony - so he made Florida, America's dick. Seriously, look at the shape of the state. It's in the shape of a flaccid penis. That should tell you enough. Of course God didn't expect anything of value to come from this colossal shithole, he just made it for the [[lulz]].

Right up there with [[China]], [[Nigeria]] and Eastern Europe, Florida's incorporation and fraud laws combine with a lack of cooperation with other states' investigations to create a safe haven for all sorts of predatory fucks with a front as legal businesses. Florida gains attention on the [[internets]] by being [[spam]] central. However, scamming in Florida has a long and sordid history that predates the Internet. Boca Raton once proudly proclaimed itself to be the telemarketing capital of the world with the joke that BR actually stood for Boiler Room. '''B'''ut it doesn't '''R'''eally matter, since everyone in Florida is '''B'''latantly '''R'''etarded.

It's not just spam, either. Huge numbers of pre-recorded telemarketing calls originate from Florida. Florida telemarketers can ignore the Federal TCPA that makes pre-recorded calls illegal, because the Florida AG protects, insulates, and accepts bribes from [[tele-marketers]].

Fake sweepstakes aimed at the elderly show up in your mailbox? Likely from Florida. A too-good-to-be-true vacation offer to DisneyWorld or the Caribbean? A Florida cut-and-run travel agency. When you watch late night TV, start counting how many infomercials for investments, work-at-home or other get-rich-quick schemes have you dealing with someone in Florida.

Clearwater, the home of the Church o' [[Scientology]], is located in Florida, only proving what dumb shits the [[retard|Floridites]] are for allowing them a foothold in the US.

Along with being shaped liek a [[retard|retard's]] [[faggot|dildo]] ([[PROTIP]]: It used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing toward Britfags, until all the [[old people]] moved down into it and made it hang limp), Florida is well known as Cape Dementia, the land of the dead, the cemetery without down payment, and a paradise for the retired dying waste that are [[babyfuck|baby]] [[goatse|boomers]]. The state is has [[over nine thousand]] seniors, which make it a fucking [[Snapesnogger|nightmare]] to drive anywhere (and it's not like there are any viable public transit options), maneuver a cart through [[7-11|Walmart]] or even walk down the street. You can be sure if you live here that you will get to see many-a grey-haired fucker die. Meanwhile, in North Florida, the Administrative Wing, there are lots of [[drugs]] to smoke, and even though North Florida has a more hellishly hot climate than even [[Miami]], many choose to settle there to become state bureaucratic commandants and take care of everybody real good.

When terrorists chose to attack America, they headed straight for the Huffman Aviation flight school in Venice, Florida. The school is run by a superjew named Rudi Dekkers. Who else would [[retard|train them to fly without training them to land]]?

Although most [[fascism|American political thinkers]] agree on the necessity of eventually solving "The Florida Question," there remains disagreement on how best to go about it. While some advocate sealing the border, performing a tactical nuclear strike on the state's major urban centers, and then waiting for the inhabitants to [[death|die]] off over the course of time, groups like the [[furries|ASPCA]] have argued that Floridians may possess an [[Bayeux Tapestry|archaic]] form of self-awareness, thus raising [[abortion|ethical questions]] about such methods.

Fortunately, the Florida question will be solved by global warming, as all it will take is two more inches of rising ocean to drown this foul nest of old folk's homes and retard breeding forever.

Good news, [[pain|sick fucks]]: [[bestiality]] is not [[banned|illegal]] in Florida.

Florida is also home to [[drug|oxycontin]] where it was invented [[at least 100 years ago]] by [[Jews]] hoping they could destroy the pure white 11 toed Aryan population that resides only in the deep hill country of Appalachia. Fifty of the top Fifty doctors who prescribe the most oxycontin reside in the state of Florida, making Florida the premier source of hillbilly heroin. And with their city Lakeland,FL where most niggers reside and
smoke mad blunts and heroin every day, they wanna have sex with your mom and fuck you and make statements claiming that your gay because you don't have
fifty bucks to fuck you up. And since most niggers are sick fucks in florida, you niggers can suck dick.

It's also truly proven that it's sick fuck city, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside (along with their idol Grady Judd) and people who disagree with your statements, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside in and most people get sexually harassed and fucked over. [[Anonymous|Judge us]] and we'll prove you're wrong, home to the most fucked up trolls and we'll shoot your ass and [[Retard|hope]] your mom. We do not forgive our hate against Florida, [[English#The_English_Language|We]] will never forget, [[Nigger#Communication|Nevar]] forget.

And if you're one of those [[Fag|emo kids]] who live in the state, you are evil, gay, smoke 50 blunts, have threesomes everyday, get your ass beat up by school cops, killed by cops in Tampa, publicly humiliated by Grady Judd, arrested by the freedom of speech-hating sheriff offices of Polk and Volusia Counties, and you can all die in hell. Enjoy your fucked up life in the state and in the evil city. You sick fucks.

==Weather==

Hot with a 100% chance of being [[Nigger|mugged]] in the summer. The average temperature in Florida in the summer is hotter than your mom fucking with Fidel Castro in a Cuban sandwich press.

Due to being the second hottest state, the men here are incredibly fucking smelly. Women in Florida like that though, due to being retarded fucking cunts who have mistaken what is truly "hot"

It's as cold as Ditchrot somehow in the winter.

Also it's humid as hell there too since the whole place is a bigger, wetter hole than your mother's pussy and the sun shines all the fucking time. Seriously, what normal people call "walking" is "swimming" in Florida. If you want to dry off, jump on a lake, unless you're afraid of man-eating crocodilians, murderous vipers, and infectious algae like the pussy you are.

==People of Florida==
[[Image:mugshot.png|thumb|center|600px|[http://www.google.com.hk/search?q=florida+mugshots Native Floridians in their natural habitat]]] 
{|style="margin: auto;"
|<center><youtube>DvvgzQ-Itog</youtube></center>
|}

==Economy==
[[Image:Florida-bucketoffail.jpg|thumb|[[Yes|Does Florida suck big dicks?]]]]
===Exports===
*Crystal Meth
*Flight Trained Terrorist
*Broke tourist coming home from Disney World
*Retarded Politicians
*E. Coli Infected Produce
*Guatemalan Babies
*[[White trash]] [[faggots]]
*[[White trash|Trailor Park Princesses]]
*Young [[Mangina|manginas]]
*Fear of crime
*Police brutality
*[[Hitler|Grady Judd]], the failed comedian turned dictator of Polk County
*[[Mike Chitwood]] (Shitwood), the [[liberal]] version of Judd who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].
*Police presence in [[prison|schools]]
*FREEDUMB!!
*Culture wars
*Sex offenders
*[[Death penalty|Government-sponsored mass murder]]
*Cuban commies
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Child abuse
*Police bootlickers
*[[Action 52]]
*Bloodthirsty killers known as sheriffs
*Raging maniac fugly ass bald bitches and whiny brat trolls violently crusading for gun control as a publicity stunt taking advantage of a tragedy to get on TV
*The nation's highest rates of police killings and pedestrians killed by drivers
*Failed presidential candidates
*DIDNY WORL!

===Imports===
*[[Drugs]]
*Old People
*Mexicans and Cubans
*[[Retards|Tourists]]
*[[Your mom|Your mom]]
*Police [[bullshit|training and tactics]] from an obscure organisation in [[Jew Nersey]]
*Lethal injection drugs from [[Connecticut]], despite CT long abolishing its state-level death penalty
*[[Jew|Timeshare scam artists]]
*Death row inmates outsourced by [[California|Adolf Newsom]]
*[[Hitler|Gas chambers]] from Nazi Germany.
*Donald Trump
*Beheading from [[Saudi Arabia]]
*MAGAites
*Car-addicted suburbanites
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Police bootlickers
*NIMBYs
*[[Scum|Real estate investors]]
*New Yorkers
*School bullies
*Tax evaders
*5-metre long pythons
*Censorship
*Grifters
*Canadian architects [[fail|whose condo buildings can't even stay up]]
*Chinks and Kikes
*Niggers
*Moar New Yorkers!

== Traditions of Florida ==
*[[Burn a Koran Day]]
*Sex offender shuffle
*Police brutality
*[[Lie|Freedom]]
*Running over pedestrians and peaceful protestors
*Child murder
*Violently arresting toddlers
*Ableism
*RAGE!!!
*[[scam|Timeshares]]
*Getting epicly roasted by [[John Oliver]]
*Eating shit
*Gassing Jews 75 years after the Nazis did
*Pretending to care about anti-semitism just to virtue signal and threaten your enemies
*Mass incarceration
*[[Death penalty]] via gas chambers (as in [[Nazi Germany]], even for non-homicide crimes (as in [[Iran]]), because [[North Korea|fuck human rights]].
*Jerking off to the stupid cringe news media attention whoring press conferences of Grady Judd (if you're a MAGAite) or Mike Shitwood (if you're a shitlib)
*[[Randal O'Toole|Jerking off in a jitney]]

==Laws==
Floridians are very proud of their Florida Statutes.

===Sunshine Laws===
Basically news journalists can demand arrest records and write whatever the fuck they want. [[Old Media]] exploits this fact by dramatically and incorrectly reporting on things that will trigger [[Conservatism|consericucks]] and [[Liberalism|libtards]]. They run lots of "Florida Man" articles, making the word Florida Man become synonymous with meth-addicted [[redneck]]s who do stupid shit and get arrested.

===Stand Your Ground===
Known to the locals as a "Nigger Huntin' License," the Stand Your Ground law allows white people to get away with murder, as long as the "victim" is a [[Not_Black_people|nigger]]. Exceptions are made for some [[spics]] like George Zimmerman, the brave hero who shot down an unarmed black teen named [[Trayvon Martin]]. Zimmerman is a hero to many [[White_Nationalism|inbred redneck faggots who think demographic shifts are white genocide]]. Florida was the first state to write such a law, inspiring many other states in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts]] to do the same.

== Aliens hate Florida ==
<center><youtube>A8zsdIQe9UQ</youtube></center>

==Notable Floridians and Related Articles==
[[Image:Nukeflorida.jpg|thumb|There's an idea.]]
[[File:Floridaman.png|thumb]]
[[File:Man vs gator0.jpg|thumb]]
*[[Alligator]]s
*[[Alec Difrawi]]
*[[Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto]] - Originally of [[Jew York|Staten Island, New York]], but recently moved to America's Wang in an obvious political publicity stunt.
*[[Blueshinewolf]]
*[[Bob Allen]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[¡Jeb!|Jeb Bush]]
*[[Danny]]
*[[Retard|David Hogg]] - raging lunatic and news media attention whore
*[[Destiny]] - biggest scumbag on the internet
*[[Disney|Disney World]]
*[[Donald Buffkin]]
*[[Donald Trump]]
*[[Doopie DoOver]] Trailor Park Princess and [[Internet poor|Notorious E-Begger]]
*[[DJ Skeptik]]
*[[Dyke|Emma Gonzales]] - fugly ass bald psychopath cunt and another news media attention whore
*[[Fort Lauderdale]]- World's boomer capital
*[[Grady Judd]] - failed comedian turned dictator of [[North Korea|Polk County]]
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - the liberal version of Judd in [[Hell|Volusia County]]
*Wayne Ivey - another "sheriff" who masturbates to ISIS beheading videos on gore websites
*[[Trayvon Martin|George Zimmerman]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[billionaire|Jess Morris]] - sexy but also a rich sociopath
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[JoshU2uber]]
*[[Kelly Kalogerakos]]
*[[Libertarian Fox]]
*[[Mark Foley]]
*[[Miami]]
*[[Niggers|Negroes]]
*[[Old people]]
*[[Pedobear]]
*[[Pulse Nightclub Massacre]] - Happened here.
*[[Ryulong]]
*Simone Gold - fake doctor and [[anti-vaxxer]]
*[[Sora Del Corazon]] - Cuban Sonicfag that lives in Florida.
*[[SuperMarioLogan]] - A very lulzy YouTuber who plays with plushies and doxxed his house so his "fans" can come over.
*[[Tablecow]]
*[[Violence|Shayla A. Muldrow]]
*[[The Mulberry Eight]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]] - Was pwned here in [[2012]].
*[[Satan]]
*[[Spics]]
*[[Terri Schiavo]]
*[[The Florida Tweenie Rapists]]
*[[University of Florida Taser incident]]
*[[Nicolas Cruz]]
*[[Connor Larramore]] - A babyfur retard [[BPD|annoying]] scizo who's obsessed with poly relationships, who's also a noteable ween/white knight to [[Keegan Salisbury]].
*[[Ass|Brittany Tareco]] - sexy fishing champion
*[[Whore|Vicky Stark]] - 50-year-old [[OnlyFans]] slut who's had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery

== External links ==
*[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2004-07-19-spam-central_x.htm USA Today: Florida delivers sunshine and spam.]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050213091710/http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/fred_grimm/5964205.htm?1c Bogus Boca.]
 
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 16 & July 17, [[2013]]|[[Racism]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[s4s/|/s4s/]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article August 7 & August 8, [[2024]]|[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Cocaine]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 19 & 20, [[2025]]|[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Turkey Tom]]}}

Houston

2026-03-24T19:21:49Z

Crow caw: /* People & Neighborhoods */

[[Image:Niggerstakeoverfacebook.png|thumb|Houstonians]]

Also known as the "City of [[Fat|Sin]]" (in a <s>sad</s> bad-ass attempt to one-up Las Vegas), Houston is the largest city in "[[Texas]]".
It's the largest city in terms of overall sprawl, it's the largest city in terms of population (numbers) and it's the largest city in terms of population size (XXXXL). Seriously, these are some seriously fat ppl.

The area of Houston was once inhabited by [[Indian|injuns]] but was later reclaimed after [[Mexicans]] killed them all for [[beer]]. [[LOL]], years later Americans came and ate all the Mexican tacos and the Mexicans had to move to [[California]]. [[LOL]], then the [[niggers]]s came from a <s>time portal</s> New Orleans and bawwwwed Houston into taking them in, making it more [[ghetto]]. It is most known for its bad traffic and obesity rates (as a result of car dependence disguised as MUH FREEDUMB!!).

Also the mayor of Houston is an old hwhite bald oil billionaire named John. Take that negroes!

==Attractions==
Moar [[nigga|nigz]]!

Moar highways!

Moar lane, bro!

Moar suburban sprawl!

[[Image:Bud_montage.jpg|right|thumb|Horse [[piss]] and water: the taste [[America]] craves.]]Houston is also home to a [[Budweiser]] <s>Beer brewery, which has caused the entire city to smell like [[shit]]</s> Distribution Warehouse. The horses from which they draw the [[beer]]'s main ingredient are immortalized at the front of building. On rainy days a passing tourist might even spot the facility's [[patent]]ed method of adding a perfect mix of water to their brew.

From 1968 to 2005, Houston was home to Astroworld, where the [[teenagers]] from all around wasted their summers, and where familes spent quality time together. In 2005, Six Flags' [[Fag|CEO]] annouced that Astroworld [[Goodnight Sweet Prince|would be closed]], so that they could sell the land to developers for [[over 9000]] jew gold. However, after the site was cleared, it was sold for less than half of what was expected, and [[Srsly|the land is only used as a big fucking parking lot for the rodeo]]. As if Houston doesn't have enough parking lots.

Don't forget about [[Mexicans|Taqueria Arandas]].

==Kolaches==
When the people of Houston founded their city with [[lazy|sloth]] and [[fat|corpulence]] the top two civic virtues they needed to invent a way they could jam the most calories into their faces as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Voilà: the Kolache, a [[Europe|Central European]] pastry that serves as breakfast food. It is commonly stuffed with [[Pen0r|sausage]], egg, cream cheese, fake fruit, jalapeños, cheese and [[Fat|lard]]. Everyone and everywhere in Houston between 5:00 AM and noon eat roughly a dozen of these artery-hardening confections. Each has approximately 450 calories.

==People & Neighborhoods==
Houston is a city of contrasts well separated by its highway system ([[Segregation|by design]]).

'''Inside the 610 Loop - General'''

People here are constantly drunk or stoned on delta 8. This is why they seem so friendly. The moment you get outside the 610 Loop, some redneck is going to pop a cap in your ass.

'''Inside the 610 Loop - Downtown'''

This is where white people commute two hours to get to every morning. They work for big oil and gas companies that lobby the government for one more lane, bro(!!) and they plan their day around where to go for lunch (Chili's) and how early they can get out of work to beat the traffic home (2:00 pm). Also downtown you will often see Mexican labor crews working on building more highways and parking lots or going to and from their restaurant jobs on the bus or laughably tiny tram system while rich Tesla-driving suburbanites complain about Texas getting "California'd" because they have to look at minorities and poor people. The last group you might see downtown are female black administrative assistants. They are the only people that do any real work and they get paid 1% more than the Mexicans working at Chili's.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, west of Downtown - Montrose'''

Just west of the urban sprawl of downtown, the Montrose district of Houston is well-known for overpriced Greek eateries, incompetent bartenders, and
the kind of full-on Jew debauchery that would generally be associated with a [[gay]] bathhouse. Known as the "MAN-trose" to those in the know, this is a great place to find varying degrees of the slothful homeless and the stains of fresh semen throughout the back alleyways. For many this is the center of urban nightlife in Houston, and it is possible to find an all-bareback poz party at any time of the day. Individuals new to the city will know they've reached this historic district when they are being approached by several homeless men begging for spare change and strange men promising satisfying [[Fellatio|blowjobs]]. This is where the American version of [[Doug Ford]] known as Shitfire (aka Whitmire) hails from. Also the [[Aneros]] factory is located here.

Don't try raising a family in Montrose unless you want your kid asking why that cowboy isn't wearing pants, and why Tonto is on a leash.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, east of Downtown - The Wards'''

Full of [[niggers]] and crack whores. Going 2 blocks in will result in you getting robbed, shot, raped, and shot again.

'''Between 610 and Beltway 8, south of Westheimer - Ghetto'''

This is the ghetto. It's a swirling chaotic cesspool of violence and crime. Many factors contribute to the size and danger of this ghetto. They include:

#<del>Racism</del>LAZINESS preventing any [[black]] males from getting jobs.
#Tensions between the black man and the [[Mexicans]].
#[[Rednecks|Texans]] love guns and think everyone should have two for each hand.
#Proximity to the border means they're standing in a flood of incoming Mexican drugs.
#Spec's liquor stores and their [[Alcoholic|get 2 for 1 specials]].
#It's hot and humid and that makes people go nuts with guns.
#The spics are too stupid to learn English and are even illiterate in their native Spanish language.

'''Between Beltway 8 and Highway 6 - Suburbs'''

This is where the [[white people]] live in their gated communities. Everyone has a three car garage (for the three Lincoln Navigators), a heated swimmin' pool (cement pond), a 4,000 square foot house without a basement and a dog the size of a horse. No minorities are allowed to live here. During the day you might see some Mexican people cleaning houses or cutting lawns but they should be gone by the time you finish your 3 hour commute home from work. Most of the white people attend [[Fresh Prince|Bellaire High School]] where there is a lot of affirmative action niggers and Jews. [[Trap]]!!!

'''Outside Highway 6 - Plains'''

This is where "cowboys" live. They all drive pickup trucks and they greet each other by shooting at nearby objects. Your status here is determined by the size of your belt buckle. In reality, nobody here is a cowboy, they're all white folks who are retired or crazy and wear cowboy costumes to make themselves feel more manly.

'''Northern Suburbs - Kingwood/Porter/Atascocita/Spring'''

Get yer church hat on. People north of Greenspoint, aka Gunspoint, secretly drink Natural Light at home when they're not out at Chili's pretending to mingle with the neighbors. You will be shot with a rifle or robbed at some point, and if you're not, you'll be run over by an eight-year-old on a four-wheeler. People go to these suburbs when they are too suicidal to even live inside the loop. Spring has a crawfish boil each year, where you will find everything but crawfish; however, if you've been waiting for Ted Nugent to play a live show, you're in luck.

Fun Fact: Everyone at the Kingwood Starbucks is actually on a layover from Bush International.

'''Magnolia County - The Woodlands'''

Just north of Spring is the [[Rich|developed community]] of The Woodlands. As it's outside of Harris county the taxes are next to nothing, which has resulted in young families moving north and spending their trust funds on high-end delis, Starbucks, and dogs the size of horses. Everyone hear either lives in million dollar mansions with a country club for a back yard or shady apartments which also happen to have country clubs in their back yard. There are no recent college graduates here - everyone is either under 18 or in their early 40s. In other words, rich and boring. Notably infested with mosquitoes. Only plus side: The Woodlands is walkable and has decent bike trails, unlike the highway-infested Houston itself.

'''Magnolia County - Conroe/Magnolia'''

Trade your BMW or Lexus for a F250, cowboy boots, and illiteracy. The average speed limit on I-45 in this area is in the triple digits, even through the constant construction that makes downtown Houston look quiet. Conroe is also a haven for illegal immigrants and recently released inmates, as it's right between Houston and [[Prison|Huntsville]]. Huntsville used to be known as the "death capital of the Americas" before [[Tampa]] succeeded it. The plus-sized trashiness is only matched by the plus-sized inhabitants, whose favorite pastimes include riding their rascals at Walmart and wiggling fishing poles at Academy. Speaking English in this area carries a mandatory death sentence. Magnolia, meanwhile, is too busy brewing moonshine and shooting coloured folk to be bothered. In fact, [[you]] should go bother them, as [[Fact|they totally won't shoot at you for trespassing]]. [[Autistic]] people are completely banned from entering Conroe and will immediately be shot dead by their pigs with badges on sight. What is this, [[Florida]]?

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and West of 288'''

In Houston itself- Memorial, Westchase, and Alief. A major snore-fest, nothing but boring white people and [[azns]] with their houses, and all their shitty fast food joints, supermarkets, consumer goods outlets, and Starbucks they need to thrive.

Fort Bend County- Sugar Land, Stafford, and Missouri City. [[George Carlin|All you got is mile after mile of mall after mall...they put the mini-malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts. And in between the mini-marts you got your car lots, gas stations, auto shops, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores]]. This area is nothing but [[America|a soulless cesspool of consumerism]]. Sure, there was the Imperial Sugar mill, but a lot of that got [[banhammered]] several years ago. You can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time here. Interestingly enough, Fort Bend County is a [[democrat|demoncrap farty]] stronghold due to it being one of the few parts of the area with a large [[chink]] and [[curry nigger]] population. Meanwhile, the Chinese, [[Arab]] and [[Indian]] migrants in the northern suburbs of [[Dallas|Houston's arch nemesis]] have gone the opposite direction and vote repub. Despite its liberal-ish tendencies, the Asian population has copied the bad habits of beating kids with belts (not beltway, retard!) from the Amerikunt rednecks. What is this, [[Singapore]]? I wish. At least they have real public transit.

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and East of 288'''

Brazoria and Galveston Counties (Pearland, Friendswood, and League City): Just more [[rich]] [[white]] assholes and their [[faggoty]] [[golf|golf courses]]. Mostly NASA workers, government contractors, and other aerospace-techie types live here. Planes taking off from Hobby can be constantly seen over one's head here.

In Houston- Clear Lake and Ellington: [[Space]]! This is where the astronauts train for their roles in <s>space exploration</s> fake spaceflight movies filmed in the basement of JSC. Also an old Air Force Base that's mostly civilian stuff now, but one ANG unit is still active. The only thing scarier than the constant threat of space shuttle explosions is the golden orb weaver spiders found here.

In Harris County- Pasadena, Deer Park, La Porte, etc.: HERE BE DRAGONS. This is quite literally the armpit of the Houston area (it smells like one too.) Nothing but chemical plants and the ship channel. The sun shines about five times a year in this area from all the pollution. Nothing but poor white people and illiterate [[Mexicans]] live here. The types of people the creepy pervert David M. Fleisher wants to rape to death. No public transit exists here at all. No wonder air quality is so bad. Not to be confused with its equally car-dependent namesake thousands of kilometres west in [[LA]].

Further east- Beaumont and Port Arthur are two small cities with worse air quality than [[Beijing]] and moar scary spiders! Walking instead of driving carries mandatory death sentence. Whites are a minority and the [[negroes]] let you know it. Don't take a taxi here unless you want to die.

==Sports==
'''Houston Astros''': A piece of shit team that plays a game revolving around who can shoot the most [['Roids|steroids]] into a teammate's ass cheek.

While the team may be a piece of crap the Astrodome is <s>not</s>craptastic . It has housed thousands of former niggers of the flooded [[New Orleans]]. Unlike the other shitty states of America, [[Texas]] is <s>usually the most reliable</s> JK it always sucks.

'''Houston Rockets''': A team that was good in the 90s thanks to all the players suicide bombing the other teams to appease [[Muslim|Allah]]. Since Rick Perry has since given permission for Texans to shoot Arabs on site, the team now sucks. Attending a Rockets game is also a very convenient way to get robbed.

'''Houston Texans''': Holy shit, we were in the playoffs this year?!

'''Houston Aeros''': Nobody in Houston gives a shit about hockey.

'''Houston Dynamo''': Major League Soccer team that [[noone]] gives a fuck about outside the Hispanic race and bandwagon bros who think it makes you edgy to like soccer.

==Sitting In Metal Pods==

There is no visiting Houston, there is only sitting in traffic in Houston. The outside world has to send in food trucks to people in their car once a week. No one hears from them again. The truth is: 2.3 million people live in Houston and they are always on the highway. [[Budweiser]] has tried to send out word to the outside world about this truth. But unfortunately, [[Stupid|they]] tried to do it on [[Fox News|Faux News]]. Everyone watching is having a hard time trying to get out of [[George Bush]]'s ass much less a large asshole city... but even those people aren't watching [[Fox News|Faux]] and [[Friends]]. If you dare to suggest building public transport or bike lanes as an alternative to driving, the car-loving politicians will brutally execute you via botched lethal injection with 300 litres of pure crude oil into your blood. A modern urban metropolis? No, this is 'Murica, where one moar lane bro rules all! Liveable cities are for those pussy [[Europe|Eurofags]]!

==See Also==
* [[Ghetto]]
* [[Crap]]
* [[WTF]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Obesity]]
* [[Traffic]]
* [[Gay]]
* [[Viper]] - Rapper that specifies in the autism genre, originates from here.
* [[NotJustBikes]] - [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] "refugee" billionaire who ran away like a coward to Amsterdam in his 10 private jets and 20 yachts just because he doesn't want to live on the same continent as Houston, which [[dumbass|he thinks represents all of North America]].

{{Afro}}
{{unitedstates}}

[[Category:Locations]]

Christopher Hitchens

2026-03-24T19:18:36Z

Crow caw:

{{Spoiler|CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS GOT FUCKING PWNED BY [[CANCER]]!}}

[[File:Hitchens-teeth.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Hitchens after half a bottle of Budweiser.]][[Image:Hitchens2.jpg|right|thumb|Pissing on his own feet.]]

'''Christopher Hitchens'''{{atheist}} (aka "a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay") was an [[atheist]], anti-religious [[troll]] and staunch supporter of the [[Iraq|Iraq War]]. A constant victim of [[trying too hard]], he [[Lie|claimed]] to have had [[homosexuality|homosexual]] [[Buttsex|intercourse]] with [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1255852/So-WERE-Tory-ministers-gay-flings-Christopher-Hitchens-Oxford.html two high-ranking Conservative] members of the [[britfag|British]] parliament, but that's a lie, because all autistic fags are virgins. Once Hitchens had discovered that [http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2002/apr/14/politics he was a whopping 1/32nd Jewish] he swiftly transformed from a moderate critic of Israel into a slobbering [[neocon]] [[zionist]].

Hitchens' gradual decline from an occasionally drunk journalist and author who constantly ranted about [[Henry Kissinger|shit nobody cares about]] into a politico-fawning, thoroughly sloshed [[faggot]]ron was evident from even a cursory examination of his [[tl;dr|sizable body of work]].

Having left The Nation, Hitchens began to serve drinks at [[The Man|Imperialist-apologist Western Elite Cafe]], which is located in [[Yuppie|SOHO]]. In his spare time, he and fellow atheist [[Richard Dawkins]] would [[Blowjob|suck each other off]] in hotel rooms or [[circlejerk]] each other online.

In a stunning and unexpected twist of events, Christopher Hitchens was diagnosed with [[Cancer|esophageal cancer]], proving that bullshit is a carcinogenic. [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-16212418 He later died on December 16th] while in the process of undergoing a deathbed conversion to [[Christianity]]. Members of the [[Atheists|New Atheist]] cult mourned [[And nothing of value was lost|their loss]], while the few [[Religion|theists]] who actually knew this fuck existed rejoiced. He is burning in hell.

{{clear}}

==Discovering That God Doesn't Exist At Age 58==

[[File:Julie_burchill.jpg|200px|thumb|left|Hitchens' secret double life led him into the existential despair of atheism]]

As [[Iraq_war#Operation_Oilraqi_Faildumb|Operation Oilraqi Faildumb]] descended into utter failure, Hitchens realized that being a [[Attention_whore|contrarian]] only made you popular and wealthy if you said something that everybody agrees with already, i.e. not actually being a contrarian at all. He therefore set out to become a [[mega ultra super genius]] by pretending to be the first person in history to deny the existence of God as obviously atheists definitely did not exist for hundreds of years before this fat fuck came into existence.

Blatantly plagiarizing Richard Dawkins' book The God Delusion after it [[Internet_money|made money]], Hitchens wrote his own anti-religion book, which reads as a sort of [[fanfic]] tribute to the original work except without any originality or a remote sense of intelligence. [[Warcraft|Hoardes]] of [[Basement_dweller|New Atheists]] mindlessly bought God Is Not Great and created a fad cult around their newest high priest, which over time has evolved to include a strong emphasis on <strike>anti-Muslim bigotry</strike> righteous hatred of [[sand niggers]]. These [[stalkers]] are convinced that Hitchens loved them back, even though he tried very hard to disown them, commenting, "It’s something I shall have to resist if I survive, and even if I don’t – this very slightly cultish stuff starts to happen. You get letters from people you can hardly remember meeting: "I shall never forget the kindness..." Unbelievably trivial stuff, but they’ve made it into a thing in their minds." [http://curiouspresbyterian.wordpress.com/2011/03/27/atheist-christopher-hitchens-admits-that-he-has-a-fawning-cult-following-of-disciples-acolytes/|1] [[File:hell's hitchens.png|300px|thumb|right]]

The fedora loving basement dwellers continued to rejoice in their faggotry as this man made his presence known to them and they proceeded to make him their object of worship and memorized every single thing he ever said while quoting the passages from his many books whenever possible while regularly attending their own churches to show their distaste for religion and spread the word of their order which is [[lie|totally not hypocritical at all]].

It was also around this time that Christopher was [[Pwnt|pwnt hard]] by George Galloway MP in a debate on the Iraq War, wherein Hitchens was exposed as a hypocrite, a sell out and too [[Coward|cowardly]] to fight in the war that he was promoting. The night ended with the audience on their feet cheering Galloway and booing Hitchens. After [[crying]] in a hotel room because he realized the Gallowayslap was more powerful than his limp-cock Hitchslap, Christopher decided he needed newer and more easy targets. Which brings us on to...

==Trolling==

Due to his many flaws and inability to troll any human beings with actual intelligence, he was forced to target more weaker and simpler prey in the idiotic realm of television. In the following clips, he trolled [[bitches|women]], [[Christfags]], [[Faggot|Bill Maher]], [[Pakistan|Tariq Ali]] and [[Drunk|himself]]:

<center>{{fv|Hitchens, trolling|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;|<youtube>I7izJggqCoA</youtube>|<youtube>UIviufQ4APo</youtube>|<youtube>9WQ0i3nCx60</youtube>|<youtube>xtRRv3RV7_s</youtube>|<youtube>HECI4QK_mXA</youtube>|<youtube>4LPubUCJv58</youtube>}}</center>

==RIP Hitchens (1949-2011)==

He died of [[the cancer that is killing /b/|cancer]] on Dec 15, 2011 mainly due to his [[OM_NOM_NOM_NOM|cannibalistic]] urges to eat [http://www.reuters.com/article/2009/12/01/us-iraq-health-war-idUSTRE5B01GW20091201 irradiated Iraqi babies]. Even less surprisingly, there are tons of videos made by Youtube atheists [[Bawww|mourning over the death of their beloved]] [[faggot|atheist hero]] (some non-atheists mourned too en masse much to the annoyance of butthurt atheists LOL). As he was not mainstream enough, many theists and atheists who live outside of the internet's petty theist vs atheist squabble really did not give a fuck as many did not even know he existed, but those who were aware of the fat drunk's demise (such as British [[Muslims|Moo-hammed Fans]]) were [[douchebaggery|celebrating with glee over Hitchen's death]] [[LOL|which obviously caused butthurt to Hitchen's fans and mourners]]. So as usual, heated drama ensures over the death of one of the most controversial [[faggot| public intellectuals]] of this era.

===The Final Word===
{{squote|Some belated thoughts on Hitchens. Hitchens was an eloquent writer and a sharp polemicist with an impressive array of knowledge and a good memory. He was also a hack.

Like some other people here, I used to like Hitchens a lot, maybe 20 years ago. After 9/11, he became pretty much insufferable.

The reason he was a hack was that at some point he just decided to coast on his ability to string phrases together (and pop in erudite references from time to time). All of his writings were obviously just dashed off without a lick of research or thought. I’ve read book reviews of his in which it was abundantly clear he hadn’t actually read the book in question; he’d just glanced at it, maybe skimmed the intro, and tried to cover up his lack of work by riffing on shit vaguely related to the book.

His book on religion was little more than a stream-of-consciousness rant, with him spewing forth various thoughts he’s accumulated on the subject over his life (whether they had any relevance to the issues he was supposedly dealing with or not). He had a good memory, but clearly did zero research, and the book is an incoherent mess. Though as always he could toss out a few clever phrases and classical references from time to time to disguise the lack of substance.

In the end there wasn’t much more to him than the contrarian persona he developed early in his career.|from one journalist to another}}

==Quotes==

<center>{{morphquote|mqtest|background-color: transparent;|font-weight: normal;|The Baghdad regime is the first oil-producing government to opt for 100-per-cent nationalisation, a process completed with the acquisition of foreign assets in Basrah last December. It was the first to call for the use of oil as a political weapon against Israel and her backers. It gives strong economic and political support to the ‘Rejection Front’ Palestinians who oppose Arafat’s conciliation and are currently trying to outface the Syrians in Beirut. And it has a leader — Saddam Hussein — who has sprung from being an underground revolutionary gunman to perhaps the first visionary Arab statesman since Nasser. "|Hitchens' hypocrisy at its finest.|[[Truth|Europeans think Americans are fat, vulgar, greedy, stupid, ambitious and ignorant]] and so on. And they've taken as their own, as their representative American, someone ([[Michael Moore]]) who actually embodies all of those qualities.|Hitchens, in a rare moment of clarity|What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.|Hitchens on [[bullshit|Religion]]|It is the most revolting, and utter, and absolute, and heartless tyranny the human species has ever evolved. But at least you can fucking die and leave [[Best Korea|North Korea]].|Hitchens on Religious Totalitarianism| If you're actually certain that you're hitting only a concentration of enemy troops... then it's pretty good because those steel pellets will go straight through somebody and out the other side and through somebody else. And if they're bearing a Koran over their heart, it'll go straight through that, too. So they won't be able to say, 'Ah, I was bearing a Koran over my heart and guess what, the missile stopped halfway through.' No way, 'cause it'll go straight through that as well. They'll be dead, in other words.|Hitchens, more sauced than usual|Wishfulness has led them to seriously mischaracterize the origins of [[Israel|the problem]] and to produce an article that is redeemed from complete dullness and mediocrity only by being [[NO U|slightly but unmistakably smelly]].|Hitchens [http://www.slate.com/id/2138741/ on ''The Israel Lobby''], defending Zion and his fellow Neocons with second-grade insults|...the long-feared coincidence of a messianic regime with an apocalyptic weapon will either occur on your own watch or will be conclusively prevented from occurring.|Hitchens advises [[Obama|his new favorite jigaboo]] on the topic of Iran [http://www.worldaffairsjournal.org/2009%20-%20Winter/Author%20links/full-HitchensPresWin09.html with magical predictions]|How nice to have a "peace" movement that is either openly on the side of the vermin, or neutral as between them and the cleanup crew, and how delightful to have a press that refers to this partisanship, or this neutrality, as "progressive."|Hitchens on the anti-war movement|The realization that American power could and should be used for the defense of pluralism and as a punishment for fascism came to me in Sarajevo a year or two later... That was an early quarrel between me and many of my Nation colleagues, and it was also the first time I found myself in the same trench as people like Paul Wolfowitz and Jeane Kirkpatrick: a shock I had to learn to get over.|Hitchens on his conversion into an imperialist fuckhead}}</center>

==Gallery==

<center><gallery>
Image:Littlepeppers.JPG|The Young Contrarian.
Image:Christopherhitchens.jpg|Looking classy with pants full of his own shit.
Image:Prothero-hitchens.jpg|After leaving ''[[Socialism|The Nation]]'', Hitchens changed his name and got a new job.
Image:Hitchenscartoon.gif|How do I failed [[satire]]?
Image:Riphitchens.jpg|[[Nevar forget]].
Image:Celestial_DERPtatorship.png|Hitchens explains the wicked [[Bullshit|proposition]] of the Celestial [[Derp]][[Saudi Arabia|tatorship.]]
Image:Hitchens cancer.jpg|[[Cancer|Hitchens after becoming a skinhead Neo-Nazi]]
File:Hitchensbook.jpg|Wow, that's a lot of hate.
File:Ayaan_Hirsi_Ali_christopher_hitchens.jpg|The Hitch with his slave, [[Ayaan Hirsi Ali]].
File:Hitch.jpg
</gallery></center>

==Evil Twin Brother==
Christopher has an [[Tory|evil]] twin brother called Peter who has a monobrow and [http://hitchensblog.mailonsunday.co.uk/ writes for the Daily Fail].

{{trolls}}
{{truth}}
{{atheism}}
[[Category:People|Hitchens, Christopher]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

No Kings

2026-03-23T08:09:30Z

Crow caw:

[[File:No Kings Logo - Gold Sticker.JPEG|340px|right]]

'''#NoKings™''' is an astroturfed protest "movement" against USA President Donald Trump, which was ironically founded by [[Hillary Clinton|smug]] [[white]] [[liberal|libs]] who call each other King and Queen. The #NoKings™ protests were intentionally designed to be as compliant and non-disruptive as possible, to politically cover the asses of the founders, as if skeeting around some stupid hashtag around on [[Bluesky]] is effective at fighting fascism. Although they appear in large numbers, they make no demands of their representative government, air no complaints grounded in [[economy|material]] [[reality]], and generally do not challenge power outside of ineffectual finger wagging.

Even the communists on [[Reddit|reddit's]] r/shitliberalssay made fun of the "No Kings" idiots. As expected, most of the protesters are [[NotJustBikes|rich, white, age 60+ SUV-driving McMansion-owning suburbanites]] who spend every hour on social media sucking the cocks of California's current Governor, Gavin Newsom as well as and [[Joe Walsh]]. These are the type of imbeciles who watch [[MSNBC]] religiously, hate [[poor]] people and still won't [[STFU]] about "[[Holocaust|January 6th]]" 5 years after the fact. The protesters don't give a fuck about [[niggers|minorities]] or [[spics|foreigners]], express frustration at the stupid [[Walmart|service workers]] from the [[Central America|turd-world]] who [[illiterate|can't speak English]], and gladly supported ICE raids when [[Biden]] was president, support [[Israel]], embrace [[Randal O'Toole|NIMBYism]], and support [[Slavery|tough-on-crime]] mass incarceration bullshit.

== Baby's First Protest ==
<center><gallery>
File:No Kings (logo, stacked).png
File:No kings logo Oct 18 2025.jpg
File:No kings signs - The Lyin' King.jpg
File:No kings the only orange man i support cheetos sign.jpg
</gallery></center>

==External Links==
*[https://www.nokings.org No Kings website]

{{Sj}}
{{Politics}}
{{Trump}}
[[Category:2025]][[Category:IRL Shit]]

New Mexico

2026-03-23T08:05:04Z

Crow caw: /* Farmington */

[[File:NewMexicoFlag.jpg|thumb|right|State Flag of NM]]
[[File:Falloutclassics00013.jpg|thumb|right|Typical scenery in New Mexico]]
'''New Mexico''' (AKA [[oxymoron|Good Mexico]]) is a [[cancer|nuclear]] dumping ground located somewhere between [[California|Failafornia]] and [[Texas|Texass]]. There is absolutely nothing there except for Albuquerque, [[Injuns]], [[Beaners]], and an occasional [[alien]] or two. People call it ''New'' Mexico because all the uranium in the ground makes it shine like a new penny, and because OLD [[Mexico]] didn't want it anymore.

== History ==


[[Image:Meth - Blow Jobs.jpg|thumb|right|These are the most common jobs in the state]]
[[At least 100 years ago]] some [[Spaniards]] who thought Mexico wasn't [[hot]] and dry enough got lost and [[accidentally]] discovered New Mexico. [[Failing]] to find the lost city of [[gold]], they promptly [[slavery|enslaved]] the local Indians (feather, not [[India|dot]]) due to their lack of [[lulz]], but then Chief [[Pope|Popé]] [[piss]]ed on their [[tortillas]], went "[[NO U]]," and began a party of [[rape]] and [[bike|plunder]] affectionately dubbed the "[[alcoholism|Pueblo Revolt]]." The good times would be short-lived however as [[racism|Manifest Destiny]] ultimately [[permabanned]] the Injuns to their present-day status of casinos and side-of-the-road trinket shops. The steady influx of [[redneck]] [[Americunts]] led to a boom in [[meth]], retirement communities, and of course the [[Scientology|Scilon bunker]] with the weird crop circles which does not exist somewhere beyond the mountains in the North, and there is also not a town in the South that worships [[Xenu]].

In [[9/11|recent times]], New Mexico has been [[zerg rush]]ed by [[Mexicans|Old Mexicans]] who claim to have "[[I did it for the lulz|hecho le para los lulz]]." The show [[Breaking Bad]] has made New Mexico famous for another shitty reason: [[meth]] labs and crazy ass [[hillbillies]]. After the recent [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tpAZObNZfI murder of a homeless man], New Mexico was once again brought to international attention, adding another negative (albeit true) stereotype - '''bloodthirsty killer [[cops]]'''. Statistically speaking, Albuquerque cops rack up the [http://krqe.com/2014/04/10/comparison-apd-shoots-kills-more-than-other-agencies/ highest kill count] out of all [[Police]] departments in the entirety of the [[United States]]. The APD has had a reputation for [[Faggotry|extreme violence]] for [[True|more than 100 years]].

Sometime in [[2014]], a [[13 year old boy]] named '''Mason Campbell''', decided it was a good idea to steal his parent's [[shotgun|gun]], saw it off, and sneak it into his school in a guitar case. He then pulled it out, [[retard|fired it at the ceiling]] randomly, then out of nowhere, shot some random girl instead of the [[bully|bullies]] who fucked with him. To further add insult to injury, the dumbass used birdshot shells that do a lot less damage than normal which ensured the victim easily survived. He then got tackled and shackled because he was too much of a pussy to [[an hero]]. He will now spend his life in custody until he is 21 years of age. New Mexico sucks so much that it can't even produce any decent mass murderers, unlike it's [[lie|vastly superior]] [[Colorado|neighbor to the north]].

In [[2015]], some jackass up in Colorado fucked up a mine near Silverton, which resulted in a [[Wikipedia:2015 Gold King Mine waste water spill|MASSIVE mine spill]] that turned hundreds of miles of river orange, and displaced thousands of farmer's careers, mostly in NM. Just another generic CO douchebag putting NM down.

[[TL;DR]] - There was nothing good then, there is nothing good now.

== Outstanding Policemen ==

"New" Mexico is known for harboring some of the [[bullshit|greatest, socially and morally outstanding]] [[pig|policemen]] in the entire nation! These brave men and women have been internationally renowned for their training and focus on peacekeeping and de-escalation tactics, as can be seen in two incidents that occurred around [[2015]], as well as more obscure incidents in 2000 (Chris Oskins shoots worker holding shovel) and 2018 (state police stab couple with glass shards while ignoring reports of a terrorist training camp). Even schools are patrolled by cops who will rightfully [[WTF|arrest and kill little girls who want chocolate milk for lunch]]. Eat your heart out, similarly [[Nazi|humane]] cops in [[Florida]].

<youtube>l3ckDB02B4Y</youtube><youtube>6tpAZObNZfI</youtube>

== New Mexico Today ==
[[Image:No as is.jpg|thumb|left|New Mexican Beauty]]
[[Image:methhead88.png|thumb|right||Average NM Resident]]
[[Image:Dead hooker plan.jpg|thumb|right|Bury them in a shallow grave, that's what!]]
Being one of the few states not horribly effected by the recent recession, either because you can't [[win|bailout]] a ship that's been [[fail|sinking]] for decades, or because there are enough resources to be semi-sufficient in surviving without the rest of [[Dumbfuckistan]], [[Texas|their neighbors]] continue to see a need to [[troll]] by raising the cost of living by doing asshole things like driving into the state. Literally, just passing over the border costs the state somewhere along [[At least 100|$54]] a person, and that's not including them coming to [[cum|blow their wad]] at Indian casinos and STILL buying up land and vacation homes for their [[white|privileged, oil-rich selves]]. If the insult wasn't the injury, [[Comcast]] and Qwest, in their ever-loving wisdom and [[h8]] of places with no money, have decided to make the state's internets power level nil. [[Apples Bear|Polar bears]] in [[Alaska]] and nigra on stolen computers in [[Louisiana|Atlantis]] can access their [[child porn|Facebook friends]] faster than a speeding [[Obama|Kenyan]], but the desert must continue to suck on Comcast's digital dick waiting [[over 9000]] hours for their Demonoid files to work from the [[College|New Mexico State University]] servers.

On the subject of state colleges, they [[LOL|BOTH SUCK]]. Fortunately they have [[GTFO|voted out]] [[at_least_100|almost everyone]] from the [[Jews|Administration]] and a few even had to pay their [[Jew gold|money]] back to the schools. Most American students are already dirt-poor in general, but New Mexico [[raep|takes it to the hole]] with their major loans consisting of the state lottery, Pell grants, FAFSA, FEMA, etc. If not for ''Terminator: Salvation'', or any other movie needing a desert scene, being [[forced meme|forced]] to use local students, the local [[hookers and blow|burlesque]] shows bringing in some meager wads of [[money|lucre]] to community and state colleges, and also a [[erection|huge rise]] in medical studies on new [[AIDS|doomsday virii]], the only things that would be left to fund would be [[football]] from two failure teams and the [[Hillary Clinton|open-close]] [[Obama|political speeches]] of [[Last Thursday|yester-year]].

There was also [[LOL WUT|another]] nationally-known hooker-killing spree: [http://archive.fo/vZlo4] [http://archive.fo/FF1zF][http://www.koat.com/video/18838573/index.html It's even a great time to test new technology,] [http://archive.fo/N1jFd After all, it's not like they're going anywhere, lulz]

New Mexico <s>is</s> was also notorious for former Governor Bill Richardson's desperate attempts to make the state technologically and economically relevant; usually this involves throwing money at companies with retardedly optimistic business plans. The companies, notably Eclipse Aviation and Tesla Motors, eventually die or pack up and leave without having sold [[Nothing of value was lost|enough products to make up for the ridiculous tax breaks the state gave them to set up shop there in the first place]].

State-funded attempts to bring 1950s technology (the commuter train between Albuquerque and the capital goes about 50mph and nobody rides it except for teenagers and old people) to the state are just as financially disastrous, except that since they use tax money they can continue to lose millions for the state for [[Forever|as long as the government cares to keep them running]].

== Typical Women of New Mexico ==

{| style="margin: 0 auto"
|{{frame|{{videoframe|RYTP|background-color: #FCE2B4;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>s7sEjMikzIs</youtube> <center>'''Excuse my Beauty'''</center>
|<youtube>m_SmFnWYEvI</youtube> <center>'''Typical NM girl'''</center>
|<youtube>ohmrBeoPJrg</youtube> <center>'''Sandy Hooker''' </center>
|<youtube>IucBp1yrr7A</youtube> <center>'''Retardese as she is spoken''' </center>
}}|border=#54C6EB|background=#FCE2B4}}
|}

== Good Things About New Mexico ==
*It's not [[Old Mexico]]
*The [[Buzzkill|Atom Bomb]]
*[[Poor|Cheap as fuck real-estate]] (because no one wants to live there).
*[[Irony|Most of the beaners are not illegal]].
*[[LOL|Can drive alone at fucking 15 and a half]]. That is, if you're a brainwashed car-addicted Americunt suburbanite.
*No [[death penalty]] at the state level, all because the cops and the [[Nazis|federal system]] will kill you instead.
*You can walk into a hospital and kill yourself there to avoid getting brutally executed by the pigs or the federal system.
*[[Drunk|Can drive fucking fast, and extremely well, at all times of the day and night]]. That is, if you're brainwashed into the [[cult|Americunt obsession with driving]].
*Its only true passenger railway ([[Loony Toons|Rail Runner]]) is relatively frequent and cheap for commuting.
*All the [[Shota|Boy Scouts]] go to [[Lolcano|Boy Scout Mountain]] or [[Goatse|Elephant Butte]] during the Summer so [[noone]] has to put up with their [[faggotry]].
*It doesn't [[rain]], period.
*[[Bum|Pick up a nice homeless girl]] [[Las Vegas|then drop her off in any shallow grave as you see fit]].
[[Image:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Bad Things About New Mexico ==
[[File:CrackgivinHead.jpg|thumb|right|A typical NM girl making ends meet]]
*[[Fallout|Radiation]]
*[[Drunk|Too many injuns]].
*[[beaners|Too many beaners]].
*[[fag|Too many fags]].
*[[hippy|Too many hippies]].
*[[redneck|Too many Rednecks.]]
*Arid as fuck.
*Due to all the illegals, the [[DMV]] is thrice as worse as normal! As expected, there is no viable public transit alternative to driving available.
*In addition to illegal aliens, real [[aliens]] inhabit Roswell.
*It's either 43 celsius in the summer or below freezing in the winter.
*Everything is dead.
*Everyone is either [[Catholic]] or [[Mormon]], except for the even more radical [[RationalWiki|Trent Toulouse]].
*New Mexico has the 2nd Highest [[Suicide]] rate in the nation, and for good reason.
*<s>[[Lame|Not enough niggers to whip the shit out of]], but that's not suggesting you should [[fail|try]] in [[Nigra|Hobbs]] or [[Martin Luther King|a certain scary street of the ABQ]]</s> That's good, nigger.
*Not enough [[Asians]] to do your homework for you, thus [[Retard|bringing down the average]]. Worst still, the Yellows in the state are mostly in the [[Crips|Triad]].
*For the people who live there, they have to put up with [[fags|Boy Scouts]] in the Summer. Some lulz gained when the fat shits wearing $300 "hiking" boots and carrying $500 in survival gear get [[lost]].
*The cops are even more severely unhinged violent maniacs than the alleged criminals they hate. Looking at you, Chris Oskins...
*The only somewhat smart resident is CityNerd (who doesn't even live there most of the time). That's right, even the mad scientists of Los Alamos are dumb.
*Almost as fail as [[Kansas]] for being LANDLOCKED and still having [[Katrina|hurricanes]] and [[Meatspin|tornadoes]] turning most of the state into [[Atlantis]].
*It's basically Texas with less [[stuff]].

==[[Statistics]]==
To prove how shitty this state is, we've spent precious time researching shit to put into the page, as seen below.

===Population Statistics===
*NM has a population of 2,100,000; of which, 99% have been convicted on drug abuse charges (meth)
*[[Spics]] make up 50% of the population. Aryan whites are only 0.2% of the population.
*[[Niggers]] only make up 2.1% of the state, so at least there's that.
*Median real estate is only $160,000; one of the lowest in the nation. Still way overpriced considering how shitty 'New' Mexico is.
*21.3% (1/5) of NM residents are in poverty.
*Population density per square mile is only 17.

[http://www.census.gov/quickfacts/table/PST045215/35 Sauce]

===Crime Statistics===

*The chances of being a victim of crime is 1 in 167; this rate changes to 1 in 3 if you don't live in white neighborhoods.
*You are twice as likely to be [[Raped]] in New Mexico than in most other states.
**The chance of being assaulted is also twice the national median, which is already high.
*Burglary, Theft, and Vehicular theft occur at significantly higher rates here as well.
*Apparently, New Mexico is the second most dangerous state in the nation [http://247wallst.com/special-report/2015/01/02/the-most-dangerous-states-in-america-2/4/]

The [[FBI]] released a compilation of crime statistics conducted for each American State. The following is data collected about New Mexico.

*New Mexico ranks ''worst'' in burglary.
*NM ranked 48th for forcible raep.
*NM ranked 47th in violent crime, aggravated assault, and property crime.
*NM has one of the highest rates of [[Teenager|teenage]] drug use in the US.
*NM is tied with neighbouring [[Arizona]] for the police brutality capial of the developed world. Only [[Florida]] ranks worse within the US. However, the only reason you never hear about the human rights violations committed by cops in NM is because most suspects getting the Gestapo treatment from the pigs are not [[negroes]], but Mexicans.
*NM has the second highest rate of pedestrians killed by drivers, again just barely beaten by Florida.

New Mexico ranked in the bottom 1/5th of all states in all crime statistics available.

Sources;
[http://www.neighborhoodscout.com/nm/crime/] [https://web.archive.org/web/20160809022715/http://www.kob.com/health-news/survey-new-mexico-teens-report-high-rates-of-drug-use/4226409/?cat=518]

===Suicide Rate===
New Mexico is so miserable that it has one of the highest suicide rates in the [[USA]]. On average, 1/5 teenagers suffer with moderate to severe depression. In 'New' Mexico, this rate is 2/3; (The other 1/3 are redneck jocks / scumbag trash who get laid with the whores).

*According to [http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/poorest-list/10-u-s-states-with-the-highest-and-lowest-suicide-rates/ this], NM is the 6th most suicidal state.
**[http://www.insidermonkey.com/blog/10-states-with-the-highest-suicide-rates-most-depressing-and-suicidal-states-1261/ This] site clocks it at #2. [http://www.businessinsider.com/states-with-the-most-suicides-2010-12?op=1 Business Insider] also pinned it at #2.

In fact, this state is so shitty that even 14 year olds jump off the gorge [https://web.archive.org/web/20160722225631/http://www.kob.com/new-mexico-news/taos-sheriff-department-investigate-suspicious-vechile-find-dead-body/4208647/?cat=500 to their deaths] to escape this wasteland.

===Education Statistics===
[[Image:nmgraduationrate.png|thumb|right|Recent statistics; a decade ago 99% of the state was red.]]
[[Image:nmgraduationrate2.jpg|thumb|left|NM and the southwest continue to fail at education, while the rest of the nation slightly gets better.]]

*NM reached the highest graduation yet, as of [[2013]], at an [[lie|impressive]] rate of 70.3%
*In comparison to it's neighbors (and probably the entire country), New Mexico had the lowest percentage of students score at or above proficient nearly every category.
*NM scored lower on the [[ACT]] and [[SAT]] than the american median. Big fucking surprise.
*New Mexico has a [[McDonald's|Dropout]] rate 2x higher than average.
**Some schools report that up to half of its students dropped out, such as in the case of Aztec / Farmington.
*New Mexico ranks 49th in education.

==Settlements of New Mexico==
Despite being the 5th largest state, New Mexico is the 6th least densely populated. Much like in the game [[Fallout]], you will find the majority of New Mexico to be inhospitable wasteland; only a few dozen areas are populated. Even then, these pathetic experiments of nuclear survival offer little entertainment, few job opportunities, barren, rough landscape, and savage locals, all accumulating together to institute New Mexico as the [http://www.businessinsider.com/states-with-the-most-suicides-2010-12?op=0#2-new-mexico-204-suicides-per-100000-9 2nd most suicidal state, unsurprisingly surpassed only by] [[Alaska]] .

=== Albuquerque ===
[[Image:Hot-Air-Balloons.jpg|thumb|No shortage of [[vespene gas|hot air]].]]
Expensive as hell to live in despite being full of assholes and a [[Los Angeles|massive crime rate]]; so pretty much [[Colorado|Denver]]. The [[Police|C.O.P.S.]] TV series is banned from filming there because they always ran out of film. Has an [[shit|excellent]] mixture of music scenes which comes in three flavors: [[Hardcore]] punk [[wigger|"gangs"]] [[IDIFTL|wanting to beat the shit out of each other for no reason]]; [[Indie]]-ass thrust-fund [[Hipsters]] choking on the dick of Nob Hill while waiting for [[Lady GaGa|some nameless poker-face of an artist]] to come through town; and finally, [[Ghost Riding|Hip-Hop retarded]] minorities ([[White]] being the biggest) riding around town with ridiculous bass speakers and walking up and down Central like the scum of the Earth they usually are between bars and the paid parking spot they left their ugly Scion in. People from the rest of the state flock here looking for [[buttsecks|acceptance]] and a decent [[college]]/[[job]], but end up being [[welfare]] problems, homeless, or a selfish prick.

*'''[[Oil|Artesia]]''': houses an [[oil]] refinery that makes most of the surrounding area stink of shit and rotten [[eggs]], and the only giant [[pr0n]] shop for [[at least 100]] miles. Then again, it's pretty much the only settlement in a 100 mile radius as it's located in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE! The population has been pretty much the same since the 60's, because there's nothing to motivate growth in this shithole small town.

[[File:Redneckgalore.jpg|thumb|right|A typical Aztec teen.]]
*'''[[Hillbilly|Aztec]]''': another obscure oil town near [[hell|Farmington]], consisting of welfare whores, trailer trash and roughneck scumbags, with nothing to do but abuse meth and [[Xbox 360]]. Unsurprisingly, the high school graduation rate at '''Aztec High School''' is only [[retard|42%]]. Speaking of '''AHS''', common events in that shitty high school include {{Archive|Ie4wB|Forcibly performing oral sex on others}} and drunk driving. All the good places to go like the [[Wicca|Maiden, and Chrome]], [[Salvia|Herb Shop]], and the Aztec UFO Festival are gone for good, just like the rest of downtown, so there's no reason to live here anymore. On the upside, [[Colorado]] is only an 11-mile drive north, and you do realize what they [[marijuana|made legal]], right? There's also the Aztec Ruins, but it gets boring after 3 minutes. Good job traveling 500 miles into the middle of nowhere, you sorry ass tourists. Most Aztec residents make a living for themselves by flocking west to Farmington or up north to Durango for their jobs, or scatter into the ugly desert wasteland/hills near the edges of the Animas River to get to work in the oil fields. Oh, and selling a metric fuckton amount of Meth or sucking off each other. This town is so shitty that 13 year olds would rather {{Archive|GdGo4|blow their brains out}} than grow up here. There have been up to a dozen cases of teen suicide in this town of 6,000 but due to the way America suppresses suicides from the media (yet makes any [[mass shooter]] into an overnight celebrity) few of the residents know shit about the truth of this shithole town. Aztec has found its self in some hot water in late 2017 after ED's own [[AlGore]] shot two noobz in '''AHS''' then [[Fail|became an hero after getting cucked by a couch]].

[[File:WelcomeToMexico.jpeg|thumb|right|What will happen to you if you visit Belen.]]
*'''[[Detroit|Belen]]''': shitty small town 35 miles south of Albuquerque. Run-down with broken houses and a high crime rate, even having Drug Cartel influence. The population is 80% Hispanic, with what remains being white people who are either trailer trash youth or retired WW2 veterans. [[no|Is it a coincidence]] that there's so much crime? Belen [[lie|wasn't always]] as bad as it is now; a decade ago there was still some development, even a few thousand more people around. But the mexicunt methhead morons in charge wouldn't let the town grow and taxed the fuck out of small businesses. Now, it's practically a ghost town; average Real Estate is under [[Over 9000|$80,000!]] There have been a handful of notable people from this town. The Serial Killer, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Parker_Ray David Parker Ray], was from here. Some dumb bitch named [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tara_Calico Tara Calico] was abducted in Belen and the case remains unsolved nearly 30 years later. [[Hollywood]] has taken interest in Belen, with over 20 movies being filmed here, mostly after [[2008]]. This causes hordes of Californians to [[Zerg Rush]] the town in the hopes of being in a movie or sucking off some actors, often to be in said movies.

*'''[[Redneck|Bloomfield]]''': town south of Aztec filled with slightly richer roughnecks currently experiencing a slight economic boom from the oil fields. Also features ruins from [[at least 100]] years ago. ''Bloomfield'' made the news for typical redneck faggotry. Since [[2007]], they had a statue of the 10 commandments built on government property, which is a clear violation of the constitutional 101 "Separation of Church and State". The Statue has since been moved to a local church. Some rednecks made threats to commit mass murder ("go [[Postal]]") should anyone try to take away their beloved statue. Chrisfags are [[Sarcasm|such a loving, peaceful people.]] And you cant forget all of the fags getting stabed, shot, or eaten.

*'''[[Goatse|Carlsbad]]''': built around a giant [[hole]] in the ground atop mountains that are going to cave in (lol [[pun]]) one day. And yet, they have all the fun shit like a functional skate-park and nice stores, thanks to [[W|community funds and federal tourism]]. If you can't make the 3-4 hours to Albuquerque and live in the South/Southeast area, this is usually your [[abortion|Plan B]].

*'''[[Clove|Clovis]]''': a [[fail|bustling]] community in the east, known for its distinctive [[shit|aroma]]. Has an airforce base that almost got closed down, but the people living there said "NO U" to the thought of becoming Roswell 2.0, and [[blowjob|begged Massa Bush]] not to kill their livelihood. Clovis was guaranteed minor international recognition in 2017, after a 16 year old faggot named [[Nathaniel Jouett]] went on a shooting spree in a random library, only killing 2, but pumping in the world's brief attention to his small town.

*'''[[Cuba]]''': shitty impoverished village at the edge of a fierce mountain range, in the middle of the road from Farmington to Albuquerque. Since the mid 2000s, has been growing at a brief pace.

<center><youtube>JE37e1eK2mY</youtube> '''National Anthem of Albuquerque'''</center>

===[[No homo|Farmington]]===
[[Image:YAAARG.jpg|thumb|right|Generic Farmington resident]]
[[Image:GymJock.jpg|thumb|right]]
A small city near the [[The Power 5|Four Corners]] area (where the states of [[Utah]], [[Arizona]], New Mexico, and [[Colorado]] meet) that is fully supportive of [[bullshit|gay rights, black people, pre-maritial sex, Satanism, being a furry, or whatever else your heart desires]]. This [[Lynching|open attitude]] towards humanity is in no short thanks to their traditional [[Mormon]] values and the [[KKK|hard work of the community to support all sexes, creeds, and ways of life]]. Farmington consists solely of redneck scumbags and [[fat|land-whale]] [[Injun|Navajo]] savages. The only jobs in the area are in the Oil fields or Trucking, and because of it's location near the [[Utah|Mormon]] [[Idaho|Corridor]], to nobody's surprise, Farmington is 85% [[republican]]. This is probably the worst place to live in the entire state, if not the nation.

Farmington is infamous for having <s>some of</s> the worst schools in the state, a very high (even for NM) rate of Meth addiction, lots of gang violence ([[at least 100]] gangs in the area), and for generally being a stronghold of [[Meth|Methheads]], [[Jock|Meatheads]], [[Mormons]], and [[Republicans|Morons]] (See: [[Tautogram]].) In the late spring of [[2016]], a [[Navajo]] girl was murdered which brought extreme butthurt to the town; it was like the area's own [[Columbine]]. [http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Ashlynne+Mike+Farmington+NM Google it, bitch.]

*'''[[Habbo|Hobbs]]''': [[nigra]] EVERYWHERE, oh lawd! Has a lot of [[Pool's Closed|pools]] for people who [[obviously]] can't swim. Also may have more Mexicans than Mexico; probably more Mexicans than Nigras.

*'''[[Bro|Las Cruces]]''': has the biggest concentration of [[poser|posers]] and [[Bro|white-hat wearing fans of Asteroth and date-raep]] in the state. The college is also one of the hardest to both pass and get into, [[LOL WUT|so it makes no sense]]. Its chief exports are [[herpes]], future [[Pregnant loli|teen mommies]], and [[abortions]]. Oh, and Warped Tour once a year, [[fact|but that's basically the same thing]].

*'''[[Half Life|Los Alamos]]''': a town at the southern end of the [[Colorado|rocky mountains]] that has been a scientific research haven for over 70 years. One of the few places in New Mexico where there's a lot of whites and smart people. Only place in NM with good [[school|schools]].

*'''[[shit|Los Lunas]]''': A rapidly growing suburban town a dozen miles south of Albuquerque. Unlike [[ghetto|Belen]], this town didn't screw over businesses with massive taxes and high rent, so the town's population has tripled in the span of a generation.

*'''[[Suburb|Rio Rancho]]''': where the [[white people]] go before [[the Sun]] sets in Albuquerque. Well, that is of course barring one of their two [[retard|giant dirt roads]] hasn't been washed out by rain, snow, wind, shit, etc, in which case [[rape|someone's gonna get raped]].

*'''[[UFO|Roswell]]''': when in Roswell, be prepared to ask the locals some [[in the ass|probing]] questions like "Have you ever seen lights in the sky?" and "Do you know where [[Area 51]] is?" They'll often direct you towards the [[ghetto|worst parts of town]] where you can get knifed by [[wetbacks]] when asking about [[redundant|aliens]]. Of course, this was before becoming dirt poor with the air-base being closed down and turning into one giant [[conspiracy]]-generating tourist trap. Conversely, this was also the only place you could buy beer on a Sunday outside of a bar, as the city is under dry-county laws. This was almost 40 years ago, and not much has changed, except now there's a [[Superman|Super]]-[[Walmart]].

*'''[[Hipster|Santa Fe]]''': the state capital and only shred of [[artistic]] faggotry for miles and miles AND MILES. It is New Mexico's answer to [[San Francisco]], due to the oversaturation of hippies and flaming faggot degenerates polluting the city with their [[liberalism|smug faggotry]]. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loretto_Chapel Loretto Chapel] houses the [[IRL]] [[Led Zeppelin|Stairway to Heaven]], although [[newfags|visitors]] are discouraged from setting foot due to its alleged structural instability as well as the [[Jesus|table-flipping]] entrance fee. Should you be fortunate enough to ascend its spiral elegance, however, you shall indeed come face-to-face with the [[God|Almighty]] in an [[epic]] crash of century-old spruce wood. Srsly, [[DO IT FAGGOT|do it]].

*'''[[Poverty|Shiprock]]''': town west of Farmington in the '''Navajo Nation''', near the shiprock monument. A run-down, impoverished wasteland filled almost exclusively with navajos. High [[suicide]] and crime rate.

*'''[[Hell|Taos County/Questa]]''': the evil tyrant [[Hitler|Chris Oskins]] ran this place like a concentration camp before moving to neighbouring [[Arizona]] where he was more welcome. Now retired in [[Phoenix]] where he calls his fellow pigs with badges to order the summary executions of negroes, spics, autistics, mentally ill people, homeless people, and anyone else he hates.

== Famous New Mexicans ==
[[Image:El_sismo.jpg|thumb|6 Million Pesos Man in action]]

*[[Bill Gates]] Spent some of his life in Albuquerque and formed [[Microsoft]] there.
*CityNerd - sworn enemy of [[NotJustBikes]]
*[[Hitler|Chris Oskins]] - failed pig with a badge and serial rapist
*[[Leeroy Jenkins|Leroy Rael]]
*[[Sonic|Glenn Garduno]]
*[[RationalWiki|Trent Toulouse]]
*[[Weird Al Yankovic]]
*[[Whore|Demi Moore]]
*[[dead|John Denver]]
*Dumbfuck jabroni [[Aztec High School Shooting|William atchison]] failed a school shooting and an hero'd. Avid ediot even edited this page a [[Over9000|fuckton]] of times.
*Good old [[Rummy]] (not the kind famous among Injuns, mind [[you]])
*The jiggaboo that hosts [[Pimp My Ride]] lived here before moving to [[California|the Fifth Circle of Hell according to MAGAites]]
*[[Reverend Jacob K. Reist]], a [[pedo]] [[Scilon]]-supporting asshat who still writes [[creepypasta|dead letters]] and fanfics about how Anti-Anon he is.
*Jew Mexican [[beaner|Bill Richardson]], who tried/failed in the running for Democrats to some [[Barack Obama|spade]] and [[Hillary Clinton|skeezer]], even despite the fact he worked for Hillary's [[Bill Clinton|puppet with a penis]], and has literally done more for the country than either, [[Ruin|not that it had any effect on his state's budget at all]]. Technically illegal, but his mom was shipped over the border to have him by his [[pimp|rich, white father]], so it's a [[libel|toss-up]]. He recently got his ass handed to him by the [[Tea Party|voters]] due to the [[DO NOT WANT|overabundance]] of beaner Mexicans, [[I Came|shortcomings]] with [[North Korea]], overall corruption, and a chronic shortage of [[weed]] to deal with all of it.
*Parts of [[oldfag]] bands like the broken-up [[Rape|At the Drive-In]] (mostly the [[gay]] parts that are in [[300|Sparta]] now) and [[Shit band|The Shins]].
*Conversely, shitty [[Crunkcore]] bands like [[BrokeNCYDE]], named after the condoms their fuck-buddy parents bought being [[fail|a seriously bad batch]]. Thankfully, they only spawned them - it's [[MySpace]] and [[Canada]] that made them [[popular]]. [[KILL IT WITH FIRE|Be sure to thank your local 16-year-old Canadian girl someday]].
*[[Asian]] hackers constantly doing everything in their [[Over 9000|power]] to steal what few secrets American scientists have ever since they [[fail|dropped the ball]] at White Sands.
*[[Arnold Schwarzenegger|SkyNet, lulz]]; the semi-win series "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" and the new "Terminator: Salvation" is/was filmed here. While on the subject, yes, the [[Bale Out|Christian Bale tape]] was made here. Also included in making this shitty state even moar poor - ''[[Anon|In Plain Sight]]'', the ''[[Transformers]]'' [[Michael Bay|movies]], parts of the original ''[[Hulk Hogan|Hulk]]'' movie, most desert scenes for [[video game|vidja gaems]] involving a desert use parts of the state for [[tracing|reference]]. And, of course, [[fanfiction|UFOs and robots]] are made here first. Again, [[poor|this has never once affected the state's economy, what, with all the tax-breaks]] and [[Mexican|hiring scale labor]] from the state's community colleges.
*Elizabeth Lambert, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1kz9Xk-b7I "World's dirtiest soccer player."] Punched out [[over 9000]] [[Mormon|BYU]] soccer players and only received 1 yellow card.
*[[Dramasetter]], an [[EQ2]] player who robbed a Check N' Go
*[[D-malice]], an unfunny former [[EDiot]] and pedophile who would get severe butthurt anytime someone other than him made revisions to this article.
*[[William Atchison]] - AKA [[User:AlGore|AlGore]]. A former [[edgelord]] EDiot who was obsessed with [[school shooting]]s. Decided to try it for himself and [[FAIL|FUCKING FAILED]]. [[Pwn|Pwned]] a grand total of two kids before downing some [[Glock mouthwash]].
*[[Noone]] else matters

== See Also ==
*[[Meth]] - State Plant
*[[New Mexico Compound]]
*[[BrokeNCYDE]]
*[[Nothing]]
*[[Nevada]] - NM with half of the vegetation and three times as many whores
*[[Colorado]] - NM with more greenery and actual white people
*[[Florida]] - even more unhinged maniac cops, including the infamous [[Mike Chitwood]] and [[Grady Judd]]
*[[Arizona]] - NM to an extreme
*[[Utah]] - NM with Mormons
*[[Mexico]]
*<s>[[Anti-lulz]]</s> Mass-graveyard of [[whores]] is kind of [[Lulz]]

==External Links==
*[https://tellyouwhynot.wordpress.com/2015/01/29/why-it-sucks-living-in-new-mexico/ Why it sucks living in New Mexico]
*[http://www.bestplaces.net/backfence/viewcomment.aspx?id=5D4CCFD8-0921-4167-811B-C5150485E454&city=New_Mexico_nm&p=23500000 NM Sucks!]
*[https://www.roadsnacks.net/worst-places-to-live-in-new-mexico/ Worst places to live in NM] - warning: made by a nazi grifter
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southwest_Gay_and_Lesbian_Film_Festival New Mexico's leading attraction]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
{{timeline|Featured article January 24 & 25, [[2016]]|[[Cotton Ceiling]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[TheRalphRetort]]}}
[[Category:Locations]]

New Mexico

2026-03-23T08:01:55Z

Crow caw: /* External Links */

[[File:NewMexicoFlag.jpg|thumb|right|State Flag of NM]]
[[File:Falloutclassics00013.jpg|thumb|right|Typical scenery in New Mexico]]
'''New Mexico''' (AKA [[oxymoron|Good Mexico]]) is a [[cancer|nuclear]] dumping ground located somewhere between [[California|Failafornia]] and [[Texas|Texass]]. There is absolutely nothing there except for Albuquerque, [[Injuns]], [[Beaners]], and an occasional [[alien]] or two. People call it ''New'' Mexico because all the uranium in the ground makes it shine like a new penny, and because OLD [[Mexico]] didn't want it anymore.

== History ==


[[Image:Meth - Blow Jobs.jpg|thumb|right|These are the most common jobs in the state]]
[[At least 100 years ago]] some [[Spaniards]] who thought Mexico wasn't [[hot]] and dry enough got lost and [[accidentally]] discovered New Mexico. [[Failing]] to find the lost city of [[gold]], they promptly [[slavery|enslaved]] the local Indians (feather, not [[India|dot]]) due to their lack of [[lulz]], but then Chief [[Pope|Popé]] [[piss]]ed on their [[tortillas]], went "[[NO U]]," and began a party of [[rape]] and [[bike|plunder]] affectionately dubbed the "[[alcoholism|Pueblo Revolt]]." The good times would be short-lived however as [[racism|Manifest Destiny]] ultimately [[permabanned]] the Injuns to their present-day status of casinos and side-of-the-road trinket shops. The steady influx of [[redneck]] [[Americunts]] led to a boom in [[meth]], retirement communities, and of course the [[Scientology|Scilon bunker]] with the weird crop circles which does not exist somewhere beyond the mountains in the North, and there is also not a town in the South that worships [[Xenu]].

In [[9/11|recent times]], New Mexico has been [[zerg rush]]ed by [[Mexicans|Old Mexicans]] who claim to have "[[I did it for the lulz|hecho le para los lulz]]." The show [[Breaking Bad]] has made New Mexico famous for another shitty reason: [[meth]] labs and crazy ass [[hillbillies]]. After the recent [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tpAZObNZfI murder of a homeless man], New Mexico was once again brought to international attention, adding another negative (albeit true) stereotype - '''bloodthirsty killer [[cops]]'''. Statistically speaking, Albuquerque cops rack up the [http://krqe.com/2014/04/10/comparison-apd-shoots-kills-more-than-other-agencies/ highest kill count] out of all [[Police]] departments in the entirety of the [[United States]]. The APD has had a reputation for [[Faggotry|extreme violence]] for [[True|more than 100 years]].

Sometime in [[2014]], a [[13 year old boy]] named '''Mason Campbell''', decided it was a good idea to steal his parent's [[shotgun|gun]], saw it off, and sneak it into his school in a guitar case. He then pulled it out, [[retard|fired it at the ceiling]] randomly, then out of nowhere, shot some random girl instead of the [[bully|bullies]] who fucked with him. To further add insult to injury, the dumbass used birdshot shells that do a lot less damage than normal which ensured the victim easily survived. He then got tackled and shackled because he was too much of a pussy to [[an hero]]. He will now spend his life in custody until he is 21 years of age. New Mexico sucks so much that it can't even produce any decent mass murderers, unlike it's [[lie|vastly superior]] [[Colorado|neighbor to the north]].

In [[2015]], some jackass up in Colorado fucked up a mine near Silverton, which resulted in a [[Wikipedia:2015 Gold King Mine waste water spill|MASSIVE mine spill]] that turned hundreds of miles of river orange, and displaced thousands of farmer's careers, mostly in NM. Just another generic CO douchebag putting NM down.

[[TL;DR]] - There was nothing good then, there is nothing good now.

== Outstanding Policemen ==

"New" Mexico is known for harboring some of the [[bullshit|greatest, socially and morally outstanding]] [[pig|policemen]] in the entire nation! These brave men and women have been internationally renowned for their training and focus on peacekeeping and de-escalation tactics, as can be seen in two incidents that occurred around [[2015]], as well as more obscure incidents in 2000 (Chris Oskins shoots worker holding shovel) and 2018 (state police stab couple with glass shards while ignoring reports of a terrorist training camp). Even schools are patrolled by cops who will rightfully [[WTF|arrest and kill little girls who want chocolate milk for lunch]]. Eat your heart out, similarly [[Nazi|humane]] cops in [[Florida]].

<youtube>l3ckDB02B4Y</youtube><youtube>6tpAZObNZfI</youtube>

== New Mexico Today ==
[[Image:No as is.jpg|thumb|left|New Mexican Beauty]]
[[Image:methhead88.png|thumb|right||Average NM Resident]]
[[Image:Dead hooker plan.jpg|thumb|right|Bury them in a shallow grave, that's what!]]
Being one of the few states not horribly effected by the recent recession, either because you can't [[win|bailout]] a ship that's been [[fail|sinking]] for decades, or because there are enough resources to be semi-sufficient in surviving without the rest of [[Dumbfuckistan]], [[Texas|their neighbors]] continue to see a need to [[troll]] by raising the cost of living by doing asshole things like driving into the state. Literally, just passing over the border costs the state somewhere along [[At least 100|$54]] a person, and that's not including them coming to [[cum|blow their wad]] at Indian casinos and STILL buying up land and vacation homes for their [[white|privileged, oil-rich selves]]. If the insult wasn't the injury, [[Comcast]] and Qwest, in their ever-loving wisdom and [[h8]] of places with no money, have decided to make the state's internets power level nil. [[Apples Bear|Polar bears]] in [[Alaska]] and nigra on stolen computers in [[Louisiana|Atlantis]] can access their [[child porn|Facebook friends]] faster than a speeding [[Obama|Kenyan]], but the desert must continue to suck on Comcast's digital dick waiting [[over 9000]] hours for their Demonoid files to work from the [[College|New Mexico State University]] servers.

On the subject of state colleges, they [[LOL|BOTH SUCK]]. Fortunately they have [[GTFO|voted out]] [[at_least_100|almost everyone]] from the [[Jews|Administration]] and a few even had to pay their [[Jew gold|money]] back to the schools. Most American students are already dirt-poor in general, but New Mexico [[raep|takes it to the hole]] with their major loans consisting of the state lottery, Pell grants, FAFSA, FEMA, etc. If not for ''Terminator: Salvation'', or any other movie needing a desert scene, being [[forced meme|forced]] to use local students, the local [[hookers and blow|burlesque]] shows bringing in some meager wads of [[money|lucre]] to community and state colleges, and also a [[erection|huge rise]] in medical studies on new [[AIDS|doomsday virii]], the only things that would be left to fund would be [[football]] from two failure teams and the [[Hillary Clinton|open-close]] [[Obama|political speeches]] of [[Last Thursday|yester-year]].

There was also [[LOL WUT|another]] nationally-known hooker-killing spree: [http://archive.fo/vZlo4] [http://archive.fo/FF1zF][http://www.koat.com/video/18838573/index.html It's even a great time to test new technology,] [http://archive.fo/N1jFd After all, it's not like they're going anywhere, lulz]

New Mexico <s>is</s> was also notorious for former Governor Bill Richardson's desperate attempts to make the state technologically and economically relevant; usually this involves throwing money at companies with retardedly optimistic business plans. The companies, notably Eclipse Aviation and Tesla Motors, eventually die or pack up and leave without having sold [[Nothing of value was lost|enough products to make up for the ridiculous tax breaks the state gave them to set up shop there in the first place]].

State-funded attempts to bring 1950s technology (the commuter train between Albuquerque and the capital goes about 50mph and nobody rides it except for teenagers and old people) to the state are just as financially disastrous, except that since they use tax money they can continue to lose millions for the state for [[Forever|as long as the government cares to keep them running]].

== Typical Women of New Mexico ==

{| style="margin: 0 auto"
|{{frame|{{videoframe|RYTP|background-color: #FCE2B4;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>s7sEjMikzIs</youtube> <center>'''Excuse my Beauty'''</center>
|<youtube>m_SmFnWYEvI</youtube> <center>'''Typical NM girl'''</center>
|<youtube>ohmrBeoPJrg</youtube> <center>'''Sandy Hooker''' </center>
|<youtube>IucBp1yrr7A</youtube> <center>'''Retardese as she is spoken''' </center>
}}|border=#54C6EB|background=#FCE2B4}}
|}

== Good Things About New Mexico ==
*It's not [[Old Mexico]]
*The [[Buzzkill|Atom Bomb]]
*[[Poor|Cheap as fuck real-estate]] (because no one wants to live there).
*[[Irony|Most of the beaners are not illegal]].
*[[LOL|Can drive alone at fucking 15 and a half]]. That is, if you're a brainwashed car-addicted Americunt suburbanite.
*No [[death penalty]] at the state level, all because the cops and the [[Nazis|federal system]] will kill you instead.
*You can walk into a hospital and kill yourself there to avoid getting brutally executed by the pigs or the federal system.
*[[Drunk|Can drive fucking fast, and extremely well, at all times of the day and night]]. That is, if you're brainwashed into the [[cult|Americunt obsession with driving]].
*Its only true passenger railway ([[Loony Toons|Rail Runner]]) is relatively frequent and cheap for commuting.
*All the [[Shota|Boy Scouts]] go to [[Lolcano|Boy Scout Mountain]] or [[Goatse|Elephant Butte]] during the Summer so [[noone]] has to put up with their [[faggotry]].
*It doesn't [[rain]], period.
*[[Bum|Pick up a nice homeless girl]] [[Las Vegas|then drop her off in any shallow grave as you see fit]].
[[Image:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Bad Things About New Mexico ==
[[File:CrackgivinHead.jpg|thumb|right|A typical NM girl making ends meet]]
*[[Fallout|Radiation]]
*[[Drunk|Too many injuns]].
*[[beaners|Too many beaners]].
*[[fag|Too many fags]].
*[[hippy|Too many hippies]].
*[[redneck|Too many Rednecks.]]
*Arid as fuck.
*Due to all the illegals, the [[DMV]] is thrice as worse as normal! As expected, there is no viable public transit alternative to driving available.
*In addition to illegal aliens, real [[aliens]] inhabit Roswell.
*It's either 43 celsius in the summer or below freezing in the winter.
*Everything is dead.
*Everyone is either [[Catholic]] or [[Mormon]], except for the even more radical [[RationalWiki|Trent Toulouse]].
*New Mexico has the 2nd Highest [[Suicide]] rate in the nation, and for good reason.
*<s>[[Lame|Not enough niggers to whip the shit out of]], but that's not suggesting you should [[fail|try]] in [[Nigra|Hobbs]] or [[Martin Luther King|a certain scary street of the ABQ]]</s> That's good, nigger.
*Not enough [[Asians]] to do your homework for you, thus [[Retard|bringing down the average]]. Worst still, the Yellows in the state are mostly in the [[Crips|Triad]].
*For the people who live there, they have to put up with [[fags|Boy Scouts]] in the Summer. Some lulz gained when the fat shits wearing $300 "hiking" boots and carrying $500 in survival gear get [[lost]].
*The cops are even more severely unhinged violent maniacs than the alleged criminals they hate. Looking at you, Chris Oskins...
*The only somewhat smart resident is CityNerd (who doesn't even live there most of the time). That's right, even the mad scientists of Los Alamos are dumb.
*Almost as fail as [[Kansas]] for being LANDLOCKED and still having [[Katrina|hurricanes]] and [[Meatspin|tornadoes]] turning most of the state into [[Atlantis]].
*It's basically Texas with less [[stuff]].

==[[Statistics]]==
To prove how shitty this state is, we've spent precious time researching shit to put into the page, as seen below.

===Population Statistics===
*NM has a population of 2,100,000; of which, 99% have been convicted on drug abuse charges (meth)
*[[Spics]] make up 50% of the population. Aryan whites are only 0.2% of the population.
*[[Niggers]] only make up 2.1% of the state, so at least there's that.
*Median real estate is only $160,000; one of the lowest in the nation. Still way overpriced considering how shitty 'New' Mexico is.
*21.3% (1/5) of NM residents are in poverty.
*Population density per square mile is only 17.

[http://www.census.gov/quickfacts/table/PST045215/35 Sauce]

===Crime Statistics===

*The chances of being a victim of crime is 1 in 167; this rate changes to 1 in 3 if you don't live in white neighborhoods.
*You are twice as likely to be [[Raped]] in New Mexico than in most other states.
**The chance of being assaulted is also twice the national median, which is already high.
*Burglary, Theft, and Vehicular theft occur at significantly higher rates here as well.
*Apparently, New Mexico is the second most dangerous state in the nation [http://247wallst.com/special-report/2015/01/02/the-most-dangerous-states-in-america-2/4/]

The [[FBI]] released a compilation of crime statistics conducted for each American State. The following is data collected about New Mexico.

*New Mexico ranks ''worst'' in burglary.
*NM ranked 48th for forcible raep.
*NM ranked 47th in violent crime, aggravated assault, and property crime.
*NM has one of the highest rates of [[Teenager|teenage]] drug use in the US.
*NM is tied with neighbouring [[Arizona]] for the police brutality capial of the developed world. Only [[Florida]] ranks worse within the US. However, the only reason you never hear about the human rights violations committed by cops in NM is because most suspects getting the Gestapo treatment from the pigs are not [[negroes]], but Mexicans.
*NM has the second highest rate of pedestrians killed by drivers, again just barely beaten by Florida.

New Mexico ranked in the bottom 1/5th of all states in all crime statistics available.

Sources;
[http://www.neighborhoodscout.com/nm/crime/] [https://web.archive.org/web/20160809022715/http://www.kob.com/health-news/survey-new-mexico-teens-report-high-rates-of-drug-use/4226409/?cat=518]

===Suicide Rate===
New Mexico is so miserable that it has one of the highest suicide rates in the [[USA]]. On average, 1/5 teenagers suffer with moderate to severe depression. In 'New' Mexico, this rate is 2/3; (The other 1/3 are redneck jocks / scumbag trash who get laid with the whores).

*According to [http://www.therichest.com/rich-list/poorest-list/10-u-s-states-with-the-highest-and-lowest-suicide-rates/ this], NM is the 6th most suicidal state.
**[http://www.insidermonkey.com/blog/10-states-with-the-highest-suicide-rates-most-depressing-and-suicidal-states-1261/ This] site clocks it at #2. [http://www.businessinsider.com/states-with-the-most-suicides-2010-12?op=1 Business Insider] also pinned it at #2.

In fact, this state is so shitty that even 14 year olds jump off the gorge [https://web.archive.org/web/20160722225631/http://www.kob.com/new-mexico-news/taos-sheriff-department-investigate-suspicious-vechile-find-dead-body/4208647/?cat=500 to their deaths] to escape this wasteland.

===Education Statistics===
[[Image:nmgraduationrate.png|thumb|right|Recent statistics; a decade ago 99% of the state was red.]]
[[Image:nmgraduationrate2.jpg|thumb|left|NM and the southwest continue to fail at education, while the rest of the nation slightly gets better.]]

*NM reached the highest graduation yet, as of [[2013]], at an [[lie|impressive]] rate of 70.3%
*In comparison to it's neighbors (and probably the entire country), New Mexico had the lowest percentage of students score at or above proficient nearly every category.
*NM scored lower on the [[ACT]] and [[SAT]] than the american median. Big fucking surprise.
*New Mexico has a [[McDonald's|Dropout]] rate 2x higher than average.
**Some schools report that up to half of its students dropped out, such as in the case of Aztec / Farmington.
*New Mexico ranks 49th in education.

==Settlements of New Mexico==
Despite being the 5th largest state, New Mexico is the 6th least densely populated. Much like in the game [[Fallout]], you will find the majority of New Mexico to be inhospitable wasteland; only a few dozen areas are populated. Even then, these pathetic experiments of nuclear survival offer little entertainment, few job opportunities, barren, rough landscape, and savage locals, all accumulating together to institute New Mexico as the [http://www.businessinsider.com/states-with-the-most-suicides-2010-12?op=0#2-new-mexico-204-suicides-per-100000-9 2nd most suicidal state, unsurprisingly surpassed only by] [[Alaska]] .

=== Albuquerque ===
[[Image:Hot-Air-Balloons.jpg|thumb|No shortage of [[vespene gas|hot air]].]]
Expensive as hell to live in despite being full of assholes and a [[Los Angeles|massive crime rate]]; so pretty much [[Colorado|Denver]]. The [[Police|C.O.P.S.]] TV series is banned from filming there because they always ran out of film. Has an [[shit|excellent]] mixture of music scenes which comes in three flavors: [[Hardcore]] punk [[wigger|"gangs"]] [[IDIFTL|wanting to beat the shit out of each other for no reason]]; [[Indie]]-ass thrust-fund [[Hipsters]] choking on the dick of Nob Hill while waiting for [[Lady GaGa|some nameless poker-face of an artist]] to come through town; and finally, [[Ghost Riding|Hip-Hop retarded]] minorities ([[White]] being the biggest) riding around town with ridiculous bass speakers and walking up and down Central like the scum of the Earth they usually are between bars and the paid parking spot they left their ugly Scion in. People from the rest of the state flock here looking for [[buttsecks|acceptance]] and a decent [[college]]/[[job]], but end up being [[welfare]] problems, homeless, or a selfish prick.

*'''[[Oil|Artesia]]''': houses an [[oil]] refinery that makes most of the surrounding area stink of shit and rotten [[eggs]], and the only giant [[pr0n]] shop for [[at least 100]] miles. Then again, it's pretty much the only settlement in a 100 mile radius as it's located in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE! The population has been pretty much the same since the 60's, because there's nothing to motivate growth in this shithole small town.

[[File:Redneckgalore.jpg|thumb|right|A typical Aztec teen.]]
*'''[[Hillbilly|Aztec]]''': another obscure oil town near [[hell|Farmington]], consisting of welfare whores, trailer trash and roughneck scumbags, with nothing to do but abuse meth and [[Xbox 360]]. Unsurprisingly, the high school graduation rate at '''Aztec High School''' is only [[retard|42%]]. Speaking of '''AHS''', common events in that shitty high school include {{Archive|Ie4wB|Forcibly performing oral sex on others}} and drunk driving. All the good places to go like the [[Wicca|Maiden, and Chrome]], [[Salvia|Herb Shop]], and the Aztec UFO Festival are gone for good, just like the rest of downtown, so there's no reason to live here anymore. On the upside, [[Colorado]] is only an 11-mile drive north, and you do realize what they [[marijuana|made legal]], right? There's also the Aztec Ruins, but it gets boring after 3 minutes. Good job traveling 500 miles into the middle of nowhere, you sorry ass tourists. Most Aztec residents make a living for themselves by flocking west to Farmington or up north to Durango for their jobs, or scatter into the ugly desert wasteland/hills near the edges of the Animas River to get to work in the oil fields. Oh, and selling a metric fuckton amount of Meth or sucking off each other. This town is so shitty that 13 year olds would rather {{Archive|GdGo4|blow their brains out}} than grow up here. There have been up to a dozen cases of teen suicide in this town of 6,000 but due to the way America suppresses suicides from the media (yet makes any [[mass shooter]] into an overnight celebrity) few of the residents know shit about the truth of this shithole town. Aztec has found its self in some hot water in late 2017 after ED's own [[AlGore]] shot two noobz in '''AHS''' then [[Fail|became an hero after getting cucked by a couch]].

[[File:WelcomeToMexico.jpeg|thumb|right|What will happen to you if you visit Belen.]]
*'''[[Detroit|Belen]]''': shitty small town 35 miles south of Albuquerque. Run-down with broken houses and a high crime rate, even having Drug Cartel influence. The population is 80% Hispanic, with what remains being white people who are either trailer trash youth or retired WW2 veterans. [[no|Is it a coincidence]] that there's so much crime? Belen [[lie|wasn't always]] as bad as it is now; a decade ago there was still some development, even a few thousand more people around. But the mexicunt methhead morons in charge wouldn't let the town grow and taxed the fuck out of small businesses. Now, it's practically a ghost town; average Real Estate is under [[Over 9000|$80,000!]] There have been a handful of notable people from this town. The Serial Killer, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Parker_Ray David Parker Ray], was from here. Some dumb bitch named [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tara_Calico Tara Calico] was abducted in Belen and the case remains unsolved nearly 30 years later. [[Hollywood]] has taken interest in Belen, with over 20 movies being filmed here, mostly after [[2008]]. This causes hordes of Californians to [[Zerg Rush]] the town in the hopes of being in a movie or sucking off some actors, often to be in said movies.

*'''[[Redneck|Bloomfield]]''': town south of Aztec filled with slightly richer roughnecks currently experiencing a slight economic boom from the oil fields. Also features ruins from [[at least 100]] years ago. ''Bloomfield'' made the news for typical redneck faggotry. Since [[2007]], they had a statue of the 10 commandments built on government property, which is a clear violation of the constitutional 101 "Separation of Church and State". The Statue has since been moved to a local church. Some rednecks made threats to commit mass murder ("go [[Postal]]") should anyone try to take away their beloved statue. Chrisfags are [[Sarcasm|such a loving, peaceful people.]] And you cant forget all of the fags getting stabed, shot, or eaten.

*'''[[Goatse|Carlsbad]]''': built around a giant [[hole]] in the ground atop mountains that are going to cave in (lol [[pun]]) one day. And yet, they have all the fun shit like a functional skate-park and nice stores, thanks to [[W|community funds and federal tourism]]. If you can't make the 3-4 hours to Albuquerque and live in the South/Southeast area, this is usually your [[abortion|Plan B]].

*'''[[Clove|Clovis]]''': a [[fail|bustling]] community in the east, known for its distinctive [[shit|aroma]]. Has an airforce base that almost got closed down, but the people living there said "NO U" to the thought of becoming Roswell 2.0, and [[blowjob|begged Massa Bush]] not to kill their livelihood. Clovis was guaranteed minor international recognition in 2017, after a 16 year old faggot named [[Nathaniel Jouett]] went on a shooting spree in a random library, only killing 2, but pumping in the world's brief attention to his small town.

*'''[[Cuba]]''': shitty impoverished village at the edge of a fierce mountain range, in the middle of the road from Farmington to Albuquerque. Since the mid 2000s, has been growing at a brief pace.

<center><youtube>JE37e1eK2mY</youtube> '''National Anthem of Albuquerque'''</center>

===[[No homo|Farmington]]===
[[Image:YAAARG.jpg|thumb|right|Generic Farmington resident]]
[[Image:GymJock.jpg|thumb|right]]
A small city near the [[The Power 5|Four Corners]] area (where the states of [[Utah]], [[Arizona]], New Mexico, and [[Colorado]] meet) that is fully supportive of [[bullshit|gay rights, black people, pre-maritial sex, Satanism, being a furry, or whatever else your heart desires]]. This [[Lynching|open attitude]] towards humanity is in no short thanks to their traditional [[Mormon]] values and the [[KKK|hard work of the community to support all sexes, creeds, and ways of life]]. Farmington consists solely of redneck scumbags and [[fat|land-whale]] [[Injun|Navajo]] savages. The only jobs in the area are in the Oil fields or Trucking, and because of it's location near the [[Utah|Mormon]] [[Idaho|Corridor]], to nobody's surprise, Farmington is 85% [[republican]]. This is probably the worst place to live in the entire state, if not the nation.

Farmington is infamous for having <s>some of</s> the worst schools in the state, a very high (even for NM) rate of Meth addiction, lots of gang violence ([[at least 100]] gangs in the area), and for generally being a stronghold of [[Meth|Methheads]], [[Jock|Meatheads]], [[Mormons]], and [[Republicans|Morons]] (See: [[Tautogram]].) In the late spring of [[2016]], a [[Navajo]] girl was murdered which brought extreme butthurt to the town; it was like the area's own [[Columbine]]. [http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Ashlynne+Mike+Farmington+NM Google it, bitch.]

*'''[[Habbo|Hobbs]]''': [[nigra]] EVERYWHERE, oh lawd! Has a lot of [[Pool's Closed|pools]] for people who [[obviously]] can't swim. Also may have more Mexicans than Mexico; probably more Mexicans than Nigras.

*'''[[Bro|Las Cruces]]''': has the biggest concentration of [[poser|posers]] and [[Bro|white-hat wearing fans of Asteroth and date-raep]] in the state. The college is also one of the hardest to both pass and get into, [[LOL WUT|so it makes no sense]]. Its chief exports are [[herpes]], future [[Pregnant loli|teen mommies]], and [[abortions]]. Oh, and Warped Tour once a year, [[fact|but that's basically the same thing]].

*'''[[Half Life|Los Alamos]]''': a town at the southern end of the [[Colorado|rocky mountains]] that has been a scientific research haven for over 70 years. One of the few places in New Mexico where there's a lot of whites and smart people. Only place in NM with good [[school|schools]].

*'''[[shit|Los Lunas]]''': A rapidly growing suburban town a dozen miles south of Albuquerque. Unlike [[ghetto|Belen]], this town didn't screw over businesses with massive taxes and high rent, so the town's population has tripled in the span of a generation.

*'''[[Suburb|Rio Rancho]]''': where the [[white people]] go before [[the Sun]] sets in Albuquerque. Well, that is of course barring one of their two [[retard|giant dirt roads]] hasn't been washed out by rain, snow, wind, shit, etc, in which case [[rape|someone's gonna get raped]].

*'''[[UFO|Roswell]]''': when in Roswell, be prepared to ask the locals some [[in the ass|probing]] questions like "Have you ever seen lights in the sky?" and "Do you know where [[Area 51]] is?" They'll often direct you towards the [[ghetto|worst parts of town]] where you can get knifed by [[wetbacks]] when asking about [[redundant|aliens]]. Of course, this was before becoming dirt poor with the air-base being closed down and turning into one giant [[conspiracy]]-generating tourist trap. Conversely, this was also the only place you could buy beer on a Sunday outside of a bar, as the city is under dry-county laws. This was almost 40 years ago, and not much has changed, except now there's a [[Superman|Super]]-[[Walmart]].

*'''[[Hipster|Santa Fe]]''': the state capital and only shred of [[artistic]] faggotry for miles and miles AND MILES. It is New Mexico's answer to [[San Francisco]], due to the oversaturation of hippies and flaming faggot degenerates polluting the city with their [[liberalism|smug faggotry]]. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loretto_Chapel Loretto Chapel] houses the [[IRL]] [[Led Zeppelin|Stairway to Heaven]], although [[newfags|visitors]] are discouraged from setting foot due to its alleged structural instability as well as the [[Jesus|table-flipping]] entrance fee. Should you be fortunate enough to ascend its spiral elegance, however, you shall indeed come face-to-face with the [[God|Almighty]] in an [[epic]] crash of century-old spruce wood. Srsly, [[DO IT FAGGOT|do it]].

*'''[[Poverty|Shiprock]]''': town west of Farmington in the '''Navajo Nation''', near the shiprock monument. A run-down, impoverished wasteland filled almost exclusively with navajos. High [[suicide]] and crime rate.

== Famous New Mexicans ==
[[Image:El_sismo.jpg|thumb|6 Million Pesos Man in action]]

*[[Bill Gates]] Spent some of his life in Albuquerque and formed [[Microsoft]] there.
*CityNerd - sworn enemy of [[NotJustBikes]]
*[[Hitler|Chris Oskins]] - failed pig with a badge and serial rapist
*[[Leeroy Jenkins|Leroy Rael]]
*[[Sonic|Glenn Garduno]]
*[[RationalWiki|Trent Toulouse]]
*[[Weird Al Yankovic]]
*[[Whore|Demi Moore]]
*[[dead|John Denver]]
*Dumbfuck jabroni [[Aztec High School Shooting|William atchison]] failed a school shooting and an hero'd. Avid ediot even edited this page a [[Over9000|fuckton]] of times.
*Good old [[Rummy]] (not the kind famous among Injuns, mind [[you]])
*The jiggaboo that hosts [[Pimp My Ride]] lived here before moving to [[California|the Fifth Circle of Hell according to MAGAites]]
*[[Reverend Jacob K. Reist]], a [[pedo]] [[Scilon]]-supporting asshat who still writes [[creepypasta|dead letters]] and fanfics about how Anti-Anon he is.
*Jew Mexican [[beaner|Bill Richardson]], who tried/failed in the running for Democrats to some [[Barack Obama|spade]] and [[Hillary Clinton|skeezer]], even despite the fact he worked for Hillary's [[Bill Clinton|puppet with a penis]], and has literally done more for the country than either, [[Ruin|not that it had any effect on his state's budget at all]]. Technically illegal, but his mom was shipped over the border to have him by his [[pimp|rich, white father]], so it's a [[libel|toss-up]]. He recently got his ass handed to him by the [[Tea Party|voters]] due to the [[DO NOT WANT|overabundance]] of beaner Mexicans, [[I Came|shortcomings]] with [[North Korea]], overall corruption, and a chronic shortage of [[weed]] to deal with all of it.
*Parts of [[oldfag]] bands like the broken-up [[Rape|At the Drive-In]] (mostly the [[gay]] parts that are in [[300|Sparta]] now) and [[Shit band|The Shins]].
*Conversely, shitty [[Crunkcore]] bands like [[BrokeNCYDE]], named after the condoms their fuck-buddy parents bought being [[fail|a seriously bad batch]]. Thankfully, they only spawned them - it's [[MySpace]] and [[Canada]] that made them [[popular]]. [[KILL IT WITH FIRE|Be sure to thank your local 16-year-old Canadian girl someday]].
*[[Asian]] hackers constantly doing everything in their [[Over 9000|power]] to steal what few secrets American scientists have ever since they [[fail|dropped the ball]] at White Sands.
*[[Arnold Schwarzenegger|SkyNet, lulz]]; the semi-win series "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" and the new "Terminator: Salvation" is/was filmed here. While on the subject, yes, the [[Bale Out|Christian Bale tape]] was made here. Also included in making this shitty state even moar poor - ''[[Anon|In Plain Sight]]'', the ''[[Transformers]]'' [[Michael Bay|movies]], parts of the original ''[[Hulk Hogan|Hulk]]'' movie, most desert scenes for [[video game|vidja gaems]] involving a desert use parts of the state for [[tracing|reference]]. And, of course, [[fanfiction|UFOs and robots]] are made here first. Again, [[poor|this has never once affected the state's economy, what, with all the tax-breaks]] and [[Mexican|hiring scale labor]] from the state's community colleges.
*Elizabeth Lambert, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1kz9Xk-b7I "World's dirtiest soccer player."] Punched out [[over 9000]] [[Mormon|BYU]] soccer players and only received 1 yellow card.
*[[Dramasetter]], an [[EQ2]] player who robbed a Check N' Go
*[[D-malice]], an unfunny former [[EDiot]] and pedophile who would get severe butthurt anytime someone other than him made revisions to this article.
*[[William Atchison]] - AKA [[User:AlGore|AlGore]]. A former [[edgelord]] EDiot who was obsessed with [[school shooting]]s. Decided to try it for himself and [[FAIL|FUCKING FAILED]]. [[Pwn|Pwned]] a grand total of two kids before downing some [[Glock mouthwash]].
*[[Noone]] else matters

== See Also ==
*[[Meth]] - State Plant
*[[New Mexico Compound]]
*[[BrokeNCYDE]]
*[[Nothing]]
*[[Nevada]] - NM with half of the vegetation and three times as many whores
*[[Colorado]] - NM with more greenery and actual white people
*[[Florida]] - even more unhinged maniac cops, including the infamous [[Mike Chitwood]] and [[Grady Judd]]
*[[Arizona]] - NM to an extreme
*[[Utah]] - NM with Mormons
*[[Mexico]]
*<s>[[Anti-lulz]]</s> Mass-graveyard of [[whores]] is kind of [[Lulz]]

==External Links==
*[https://tellyouwhynot.wordpress.com/2015/01/29/why-it-sucks-living-in-new-mexico/ Why it sucks living in New Mexico]
*[http://www.bestplaces.net/backfence/viewcomment.aspx?id=5D4CCFD8-0921-4167-811B-C5150485E454&city=New_Mexico_nm&p=23500000 NM Sucks!]
*[https://www.roadsnacks.net/worst-places-to-live-in-new-mexico/ Worst places to live in NM] - warning: made by a nazi grifter
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southwest_Gay_and_Lesbian_Film_Festival New Mexico's leading attraction]

{{Unitedstates}}
{{Spanish}}
{{timeline|Featured article January 24 & 25, [[2016]]|[[Cotton Ceiling]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[TheRalphRetort]]}}
[[Category:Locations]]

Houston

2026-03-23T07:48:54Z

Crow caw: /* People & Neighborhoods */

[[Image:Niggerstakeoverfacebook.png|thumb|Houstonians]]

Also known as the "City of [[Fat|Sin]]" (in a <s>sad</s> bad-ass attempt to one-up Las Vegas), Houston is the largest city in "[[Texas]]".
It's the largest city in terms of overall sprawl, it's the largest city in terms of population (numbers) and it's the largest city in terms of population size (XXXXL). Seriously, these are some seriously fat ppl.

The area of Houston was once inhabited by [[Indian|injuns]] but was later reclaimed after [[Mexicans]] killed them all for [[beer]]. [[LOL]], years later Americans came and ate all the Mexican tacos and the Mexicans had to move to [[California]]. [[LOL]], then the [[niggers]]s came from a <s>time portal</s> New Orleans and bawwwwed Houston into taking them in, making it more [[ghetto]]. It is most known for its bad traffic and obesity rates (as a result of car dependence disguised as MUH FREEDUMB!!).

Also the mayor of Houston is an old hwhite bald oil billionaire named John. Take that negroes!

==Attractions==
Moar [[nigga|nigz]]!

Moar highways!

Moar lane, bro!

Moar suburban sprawl!

[[Image:Bud_montage.jpg|right|thumb|Horse [[piss]] and water: the taste [[America]] craves.]]Houston is also home to a [[Budweiser]] <s>Beer brewery, which has caused the entire city to smell like [[shit]]</s> Distribution Warehouse. The horses from which they draw the [[beer]]'s main ingredient are immortalized at the front of building. On rainy days a passing tourist might even spot the facility's [[patent]]ed method of adding a perfect mix of water to their brew.

From 1968 to 2005, Houston was home to Astroworld, where the [[teenagers]] from all around wasted their summers, and where familes spent quality time together. In 2005, Six Flags' [[Fag|CEO]] annouced that Astroworld [[Goodnight Sweet Prince|would be closed]], so that they could sell the land to developers for [[over 9000]] jew gold. However, after the site was cleared, it was sold for less than half of what was expected, and [[Srsly|the land is only used as a big fucking parking lot for the rodeo]]. As if Houston doesn't have enough parking lots.

Don't forget about [[Mexicans|Taqueria Arandas]].

==Kolaches==
When the people of Houston founded their city with [[lazy|sloth]] and [[fat|corpulence]] the top two civic virtues they needed to invent a way they could jam the most calories into their faces as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Voilà: the Kolache, a [[Europe|Central European]] pastry that serves as breakfast food. It is commonly stuffed with [[Pen0r|sausage]], egg, cream cheese, fake fruit, jalapeños, cheese and [[Fat|lard]]. Everyone and everywhere in Houston between 5:00 AM and noon eat roughly a dozen of these artery-hardening confections. Each has approximately 450 calories.

==People & Neighborhoods==
Houston is a city of contrasts well separated by its highway system ([[Segregation|by design]]).

'''Inside the 610 Loop - General'''

People here are constantly drunk or stoned on delta 8. This is why they seem so friendly. The moment you get outside the 610 Loop, some redneck is going to pop a cap in your ass.

'''Inside the 610 Loop - Downtown'''

This is where white people commute two hours to get to every morning. They work for big oil and gas companies that lobby the government for one more lane, bro(!!) and they plan their day around where to go for lunch (Chili's) and how early they can get out of work to beat the traffic home (2:00 pm). Also downtown you will often see Mexican labor crews working on building more highways and parking lots or going to and from their restaurant jobs on the bus or laughably tiny tram system while rich Tesla-driving suburbanites complain about Texas getting "California'd" because they have to look at minorities and poor people. The last group you might see downtown are female black administrative assistants. They are the only people that do any real work and they get paid 1% more than the Mexicans working at Chili's.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, west of Downtown - Montrose'''

Just west of the urban sprawl of downtown, the Montrose district of Houston is well-known for overpriced Greek eateries, incompetent bartenders, and
the kind of full-on Jew debauchery that would generally be associated with a [[gay]] bathhouse. Known as the "MAN-trose" to those in the know, this is a great place to find varying degrees of the slothful homeless and the stains of fresh semen throughout the back alleyways. For many this is the center of urban nightlife in Houston, and it is possible to find an all-bareback poz party at any time of the day. Individuals new to the city will know they've reached this historic district when they are being approached by several homeless men begging for spare change and strange men promising satisfying [[Fellatio|blowjobs]]. This is where the American version of [[Doug Ford]] known as Shitfire (aka Whitmire) hails from. Also the [[Aneros]] factory is located here.

Don't try raising a family in Montrose unless you want your kid asking why that cowboy isn't wearing pants, and why Tonto is on a leash.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, east of Downtown - The Wards'''

Full of [[niggers]] and crack whores. Going 2 blocks in will result in you getting robbed, shot, raped, and shot again.

'''Between 610 and Beltway 8, south of Westheimer - Ghetto'''

This is the ghetto. It's a swirling chaotic cesspool of violence and crime. Many factors contribute to the size and danger of this ghetto. They include:

#<del>Racism</del>LAZINESS preventing any [[black]] males from getting jobs.
#Tensions between the black man and the [[Mexicans]].
#[[Rednecks|Texans]] love guns and think everyone should have two for each hand.
#Proximity to the border means they're standing in a flood of incoming Mexican drugs.
#Spec's liquor stores and their [[Alcoholic|get 2 for 1 specials]].
#It's hot and humid and that makes people go nuts with guns.
#The spics are too stupid to learn English and are even illiterate in their native Spanish language.

'''Between Beltway 8 and Highway 6 - Suburbs'''

This is where the [[white people]] live in their gated communities. Everyone has a three car garage (for the three Lincoln Navigators), a heated swimmin' pool (cement pond), a 4,000 square foot house without a basement and a dog the size of a horse. No minorities are allowed to live here. During the day you might see some Mexican people cleaning houses or cutting lawns but they should be gone by the time you finish your 3 hour commute home from work. Most of the white people attend [[Fresh Prince|Bellaire High School]] where there is a lot of affirmative action niggers and Jews. [[Trap]]!!!

'''Outside Highway 6 - Plains'''

This is where "cowboys" live. They all drive pickup trucks and they greet each other by shooting at nearby objects. Your status here is determined by the size of your belt buckle. In reality, nobody here is a cowboy, they're all white folks who are retired or crazy and wear cowboy costumes to make themselves feel more manly.

'''Northern Suburbs - Kingwood/Porter/Atascocita/Spring'''

Get yer church hat on. People north of Greenspoint, aka Gunspoint, secretly drink Natural Light at home when they're not out at Chili's pretending to mingle with the neighbors. You will be shot with a rifle or robbed at some point, and if you're not, you'll be run over by an eight-year-old on a four-wheeler. People go to these suburbs when they are too suicidal to even live inside the loop. Spring has a crawfish boil each year, where you will find everything but crawfish; however, if you've been waiting for Ted Nugent to play a live show, you're in luck.

Fun Fact: Everyone at the Kingwood Starbucks is actually on a layover from Bush International.

'''Magnolia County - The Woodlands'''

Just north of Spring is the [[Rich|developed community]] of The Woodlands. As it's outside of Harris county the taxes are next to nothing, which has resulted in young families moving north and spending their trust funds on high-end delis, Starbucks, and dogs the size of horses. Everyone hear either lives in million dollar mansions with a country club for a back yard or shady apartments which also happen to have country clubs in their back yard. There are no recent college graduates here - everyone is either under 18 or in their early 40s. In other words, rich and boring. Notably infested with mosquitoes. Only plus side: The Woodlands is walkable and has decent bike trails, unlike the highway-infested Houston itself.

'''Magnolia County - Conroe/Magnolia'''

Trade your BMW or Lexus for a F250, cowboy boots, and illiteracy. The average speed limit on I-45 in this area is in the triple digits, even through the constant construction that makes downtown Houston look quiet. Conroe is also a haven for illegal immigrants and recently released inmates, as it's right between Houston and [[Prison|Huntsville]]. Huntsville used to be known as the "death capital of the Americas" before [[Tampa]] succeeded it. The plus-sized trashiness is only matched by the plus-sized inhabitants, whose favorite pastimes include riding their rascals at Walmart and wiggling fishing poles at Academy. Speaking English in this area carries a mandatory death sentence. Magnolia, meanwhile, is too busy brewing moonshine and shooting coloured folk to be bothered. In fact, [[you]] should go bother them, as [[Fact|they totally won't shoot at you for trespassing]]. [[Autistic]] people are completely banned from entering Conroe and will immediately be shot dead by their pigs with badges on sight. What is this, [[Florida]]?

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and West of 288'''

In Houston itself- Memorial, Westchase, and Alief. A major snore-fest, nothing but boring white people and [[azns]] with their houses, and all their shitty fast food joints, supermarkets, consumer goods outlets, and Starbucks they need to thrive.

Fort Bend County- Sugar Land, Stafford, and Missouri City. [[George Carlin|All you got is mile after mile of mall after mall...they put the mini-malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts. And in between the mini-marts you got your car lots, gas stations, auto shops, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores]]. This area is nothing but [[America|a soulless cesspool of consumerism]]. Sure, there was the Imperial Sugar mill, but a lot of that got [[banhammered]] several years ago. You can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time here. Interestingly enough, Fort Bend County is a [[democrat|demoncrap farty]] stronghold due to it being one of the few parts of the area with a large [[chink]] and [[curry nigger]] population. Meanwhile, the Chinese, [[Arab]] and [[Indian]] migrants in the northern suburbs of [[Dallas|Houston's arch nemesis]] have gone the opposite direction and vote repub. Despite its liberal-ish tendencies, the Asian population has copied the bad habits of beating kids with belts (not beltway, retard!) from the Amerikunt rednecks. What is this, [[Singapore]]? I wish. At least they have real public transit.

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and East of 288'''

Brazoria and Galveston Counties (Pearland, Friendswood, and League City): Just more [[rich]] [[white]] assholes and their [[faggoty]] [[golf|golf courses]]. Mostly NASA workers, government contractors, and other aerospace-techie types live here. Planes taking off from Hobby can be constantly seen over one's head here.

In Houston- Clear Lake and Ellington: [[Space]]! This is where the astronauts train for their roles in <s>space exploration</s> fake spaceflight movies filmed in the basement of JSC. Also an old Air Force Base that's mostly civilian stuff now, but one ANG unit is still active. The only thing scarier than the constant threat of space shuttle explosions is the golden orb weaver spiders found here.

In Harris County- Pasadena, Deer Park, La Porte, etc.: HERE BE DRAGONS. This is quite literally the armpit of the Houston area (it smells like one too.) Nothing but chemical plants and the ship channel. The sun shines about five times a year in this area from all the pollution. Nothing but poor white people and illiterate [[Mexicans]] live here. The types of people the creepy pervert David M. Fleisher wants to rape to death.

Further easy- Beaumont and Port Arthur are two small cities with worse air quality than [[Beijing]] and moar scary spiders! Walking instead of driving carries mandatory death sentence. Whites are a minority and the [[negroes]] let you know it. Don't take a taxi here unless you want to die.

==Sports==
'''Houston Astros''': A piece of shit team that plays a game revolving around who can shoot the most [['Roids|steroids]] into a teammate's ass cheek.

While the team may be a piece of crap the Astrodome is <s>not</s>craptastic . It has housed thousands of former niggers of the flooded [[New Orleans]]. Unlike the other shitty states of America, [[Texas]] is <s>usually the most reliable</s> JK it always sucks.

'''Houston Rockets''': A team that was good in the 90s thanks to all the players suicide bombing the other teams to appease [[Muslim|Allah]]. Since Rick Perry has since given permission for Texans to shoot Arabs on site, the team now sucks. Attending a Rockets game is also a very convenient way to get robbed.

'''Houston Texans''': Holy shit, we were in the playoffs this year?!

'''Houston Aeros''': Nobody in Houston gives a shit about hockey.

'''Houston Dynamo''': Major League Soccer team that [[noone]] gives a fuck about outside the Hispanic race and bandwagon bros who think it makes you edgy to like soccer.

==Sitting In Metal Pods==

There is no visiting Houston, there is only sitting in traffic in Houston. The outside world has to send in food trucks to people in their car once a week. No one hears from them again. The truth is: 2.3 million people live in Houston and they are always on the highway. [[Budweiser]] has tried to send out word to the outside world about this truth. But unfortunately, [[Stupid|they]] tried to do it on [[Fox News|Faux News]]. Everyone watching is having a hard time trying to get out of [[George Bush]]'s ass much less a large asshole city... but even those people aren't watching [[Fox News|Faux]] and [[Friends]]. If you dare to suggest building public transport or bike lanes as an alternative to driving, the car-loving politicians will brutally execute you via botched lethal injection with 300 litres of pure crude oil into your blood. A modern urban metropolis? No, this is 'Murica, where one moar lane bro rules all! Liveable cities are for those pussy [[Europe|Eurofags]]!

==See Also==
* [[Ghetto]]
* [[Crap]]
* [[WTF]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Obesity]]
* [[Traffic]]
* [[Gay]]
* [[Viper]] - Rapper that specifies in the autism genre, originates from here.
* [[NotJustBikes]] - [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] "refugee" billionaire who ran away like a coward to Amsterdam in his 10 private jets and 20 yachts just because he doesn't want to live on the same continent as Houston, which [[dumbass|he thinks represents all of North America]].

{{Afro}}
{{unitedstates}}

[[Category:Locations]]

Jew Lieberman

2026-03-23T07:36:55Z

Crow caw:

[[File:Lieberman God Sees Your Lies.jpeg|1942-2024. Now playing [[DOOM]] in the afterlife.|center|thumb]]
[[Image:Eeyore.gif|thumb|left|Connecticut Republican Joe Leeberman]]
[[File:Droopy.jpg|thumb|Jew Leeberman's [[fursona]], Droopy]]
[[Image:Lieberman_kissing_Bush.jpg|thumb|right|Sen. Leeberman (transl. Loverman) and President Bush share a tender moment.]]
[[Image:Lieberman_kissing_Bush_low.gif|thumb|right|Leeberman and Bush have been chastised for their frequent public displays of affection on the Senate floor. [[:Image:Lieberman_kissing_Bush.gif|High resolution]].]]

'''Joe Leeberman'''{{jew}} is the epitome of [[old meme]]. An independent [[Connecticut]]er Senator in the [[United States]] Senate, Leeberman left the Democratic Party after losing his 2006 primary bid against upstart anti-war candidate Ned Lamont at the hands of [[communist]] bloggers such as [[Daily Kos]], Wonkette, and the so-called "netroots" movement including anarchist groups such as MoveOn. Joenertia's defeat in the 2006 summer primary may be the first election of national importance in which [[Internets]] [[drama]] have played an important role.

He was the Vice Presidential running mate of unsuccessful Presidential candidate [[Al Gore]], who together formed the most boring Presidential ticket in United States history. In revenge for their electoral defeat, culminating on [[9/11|September 11, 2001]], Leeberman [[JEWS DID WTC|orchestrated a series of attacks against the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and Capitol Hill]].

Alongside his ex-wife, [[Hillary Clinton]], he is currently on a crusade to outlaw every game in the [[Grand Theft Auto]] franchise.

Joe is thankfully now burning in hell where he belongs.

==Joe H4XX0R3D==
[[Image:joe2006.png|thumb|left|Joe reaching out to the blogosphere.]]

All the above is [[unfunny]] by definition. But, on the DAY of the election, Leeberman's web site went down. His campaign immediately ran to the [[old media]] claiming that [[hacker|h4x0rz]] from his opponent's campaign had [[pwn]]ed the site with a [[denial of service]] attack. A [[the man|federal]] investigation was promptly launched.

===The e-investigation===

[[Lulz]] ensued as Wonkette went all [[e-detective]], digging through public filings of Lieberman's campaign expenses and deducing that he had paid $1500 to [http://www.2dogmedia.com/ 2 Dog Media] for "web hosting and web changes." Wonkette further revealed that Joenertia's campaign site was on a shared server with as many as 72 other clients hosted by [http://www.myhostcamp.com MyHostCamp.com], and that ALL those clients were down because the entire hosting company had blown its shared bandwidth allotment. Whoops!

From 2 Dog Media's crappy web site:

:''"2Dog Media has had many experiences with bad hosting companies. From sites not being available to e-mails getting lost, we know the hardships of finding a good hosting company. You lose money, clients, and credibility during those times. That’s why we do the worrying for you and make sure your website is constantly accessible with our hosting product."''

[[lollerskates]]!

Even better, after Wonkette's posting of the juicy details, the owner of 2 Dog Media contacted Wonkette and [http://wonkette.com/politics/top/breaking-last-post-partially-inoperative-lieberman-campaign-dumber-than-previously-thought-192948.php threatened] an [[Internet lawsuit]] after claiming that 2 Dog had not hosted joe2006.com for 3 months, since Sean Smith, a Leeberman campaign manager, decided to go with [[Some Guy|some guy]] he knows for hosting.

Late on election day, Joe's campaign team mustered up some serious Joementum and [http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/8/8/192330/8963 switched his site to $3.99/month GoDaddy hosting] — another decision rich with irony, as GoDaddy's [http://youtube.com/watch?v=S7Cgi1K9TO4 Superbowl ad] featured a cheerleader having a "wardrobe malfunction" in front of a crusty panel of government censors. Leeberman has in the past been quite the crusader against [[sex]] on [[TV]].

===Further snubs===

During the initial debacle, Leeberman's opponent Ned Lamont offered to foot the bill for his own web team to solve the problem.

Late in August, still plagued by over '''two weeks''' of downtime and outages, Leeberman's campaign offered $300K to [http://www.bluestatedigital.com/ Blue State Digital], a web development company serving Democratic campaigns. Blue State refused, stating, "Unfortunately, we cannot be of service to the Leeberman campaign. We work exclusively with Democratic candidates."

Blue State Digital is Ned Lamont's web team — the same one he offered to pay to help Leeberman out when Leeberman's campaign was making the [[h4x0r]] accusations.

Shortly after, another web political services group calling itself [http://plusthree.com/ Plus Three] also refused Leeberman's money.

=== Private Healthcare Supporter (where he gets his Jew Gold) ===
In an effort to Jew everyone in America out of a [[Commie|government supported]] health care system, Leeberman has stated time and time again that he is against any bill that supports [[Socialism|socialized]] medince. For added bonus, since the Senate needs [[At least 100|60 votes]] in order to pass any legislation, Leeberman is the one Jew willing enough to screw everyone over.

In other words, if you are [[dying alone|dying of cancer]] and reading this (which you probably are), YOU'VE JUST BEEN JEWED OUT OF HAVING YOUR LIFE SAVED!

The reason for this is that the alot of Jew Private Healthcare Companies paid him a kings ransom in Jew gold.

Joe is the reason [[Sweden|the rest of the developed world]] constantly makes fun of Murica.

==See Also==
*[[Internet Kill Switch]]
*[[Joe Arpaio]] - the MAGAite version of this guy
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - lived long enough to endorse [[Kamala]]
*[[Jack Thompson]] - Lie-burman's top donor
*[[Andy Schlafly]] - hates video games too

==External Links==
*[http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1834666/posts Daily Kos: Gas Jew Leeberman Like a Dog]

{{jewseries}}

{{FoxNews}}
{{Politics}}

[[Category:People|Lieberman, Joe]][[Category:IRL Shit]][[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

Jew Lieberman

2026-03-23T07:34:22Z

Crow caw: /* Private Healthcare Supporter (where he gets his Jew Gold) */

[[File:Lieberman God Sees Your Lies.jpeg|1942-2024. Now playing [[DOOM]] in the afterlife.|center|thumb]]
[[Image:Eeyore.gif|thumb|left|Connecticut Republican Joe Leeberman]]
[[File:Droopy.jpg|thumb|Jew Leeberman's [[fursona]], Droopy]]
[[Image:Lieberman_kissing_Bush.jpg|thumb|right|Sen. Leeberman (transl. Loverman) and President Bush share a tender moment.]]
[[Image:Lieberman_kissing_Bush_low.gif|thumb|right|Leeberman and Bush have been chastised for their frequent public displays of affection on the Senate floor. [[:Image:Lieberman_kissing_Bush.gif|High resolution]].]]

'''Joe Leeberman'''{{jew}} is the epitome of [[old meme]]. An independent [[Connecticut]]er Senator in the [[United States]] Senate, Leeberman left the Democratic Party after losing his 2006 primary bid against upstart anti-war candidate Ned Lamont at the hands of [[communist]] bloggers such as [[Daily Kos]], Wonkette, and the so-called "netroots" movement including anarchist groups such as MoveOn. Joenertia's defeat in the 2006 summer primary may be the first election of national importance in which [[Internets]] [[drama]] have played an important role.

He was the Vice Presidential running mate of unsuccessful Presidential candidate [[Al Gore]], who together formed the most boring Presidential ticket in United States history. In revenge for their electoral defeat, culminating on [[9/11|September 11, 2001]], Leeberman [[JEWS DID WTC|orchestrated a series of attacks against the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and Capitol Hill]].

Alongside his ex-wife, [[Hillary Clinton]], he is currently on a crusade to outlaw every game in the [[Grand Theft Auto]] franchise.

==Joe H4XX0R3D==
[[Image:joe2006.png|thumb|left|Joe reaching out to the blogosphere.]]

All the above is [[unfunny]] by definition. But, on the DAY of the election, Leeberman's web site went down. His campaign immediately ran to the [[old media]] claiming that [[hacker|h4x0rz]] from his opponent's campaign had [[pwn]]ed the site with a [[denial of service]] attack. A [[the man|federal]] investigation was promptly launched.

===The e-investigation===

[[Lulz]] ensued as Wonkette went all [[e-detective]], digging through public filings of Lieberman's campaign expenses and deducing that he had paid $1500 to [http://www.2dogmedia.com/ 2 Dog Media] for "web hosting and web changes." Wonkette further revealed that Joenertia's campaign site was on a shared server with as many as 72 other clients hosted by [http://www.myhostcamp.com MyHostCamp.com], and that ALL those clients were down because the entire hosting company had blown its shared bandwidth allotment. Whoops!

From 2 Dog Media's crappy web site:

:''"2Dog Media has had many experiences with bad hosting companies. From sites not being available to e-mails getting lost, we know the hardships of finding a good hosting company. You lose money, clients, and credibility during those times. That’s why we do the worrying for you and make sure your website is constantly accessible with our hosting product."''

[[lollerskates]]!

Even better, after Wonkette's posting of the juicy details, the owner of 2 Dog Media contacted Wonkette and [http://wonkette.com/politics/top/breaking-last-post-partially-inoperative-lieberman-campaign-dumber-than-previously-thought-192948.php threatened] an [[Internet lawsuit]] after claiming that 2 Dog had not hosted joe2006.com for 3 months, since Sean Smith, a Leeberman campaign manager, decided to go with [[Some Guy|some guy]] he knows for hosting.

Late on election day, Joe's campaign team mustered up some serious Joementum and [http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/8/8/192330/8963 switched his site to $3.99/month GoDaddy hosting] — another decision rich with irony, as GoDaddy's [http://youtube.com/watch?v=S7Cgi1K9TO4 Superbowl ad] featured a cheerleader having a "wardrobe malfunction" in front of a crusty panel of government censors. Leeberman has in the past been quite the crusader against [[sex]] on [[TV]].

===Further snubs===

During the initial debacle, Leeberman's opponent Ned Lamont offered to foot the bill for his own web team to solve the problem.

Late in August, still plagued by over '''two weeks''' of downtime and outages, Leeberman's campaign offered $300K to [http://www.bluestatedigital.com/ Blue State Digital], a web development company serving Democratic campaigns. Blue State refused, stating, "Unfortunately, we cannot be of service to the Leeberman campaign. We work exclusively with Democratic candidates."

Blue State Digital is Ned Lamont's web team — the same one he offered to pay to help Leeberman out when Leeberman's campaign was making the [[h4x0r]] accusations.

Shortly after, another web political services group calling itself [http://plusthree.com/ Plus Three] also refused Leeberman's money.

=== Private Healthcare Supporter (where he gets his Jew Gold) ===
In an effort to Jew everyone in America out of a [[Commie|government supported]] health care system, Leeberman has stated time and time again that he is against any bill that supports [[Socialism|socialized]] medince. For added bonus, since the Senate needs [[At least 100|60 votes]] in order to pass any legislation, Leeberman is the one Jew willing enough to screw everyone over.

In other words, if you are [[dying alone|dying of cancer]] and reading this (which you probably are), YOU'VE JUST BEEN JEWED OUT OF HAVING YOUR LIFE SAVED!

The reason for this is that the alot of Jew Private Healthcare Companies paid him a kings ransom in Jew gold.

Joe is the reason [[Sweden|the rest of the developed world]] constantly makes fun of Murica.

==See Also==
*[[Internet Kill Switch]]

==External Links==
*[http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1834666/posts Daily Kos: Gas Jew Leeberman Like a Dog]

{{jewseries}}

{{FoxNews}}
{{Politics}}

[[Category:People|Lieberman, Joe]][[Category:IRL Shit]][[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]

Mike Chitwood

2026-03-23T07:32:13Z

Crow caw: /* See Also */

{{Fed}}
[[File:Mike Chitwood bra pic.jpeg|220px|left]]
{{Elaw}}
'''Mike Chitwood''', a.k.a. '''Kike Shitwood'''{{Jew}}, is a former [[Florida]] sheriff turned full-time [[Internet police]] Gestapo man with a hate-boner for those [[4chan]] [[trolls]]. He is a notable [[snowflake]] who launches into violent hissy fits in response to any criticism of his retarded bullshit. What separates him from most of the casuals is his intense sexual fetish for actually sending people who offend him to jail. Shitwood is basically a liberal version of the equally nasty blowhard [[Grady Judd]] and the creepy pervert [[Wayne Ivey]]. All Florida sheriffs are the modern Gestapo.

==Chitwood declares war on 4chan==
[[File:GDL highway banner.jpeg|220px|left]]
Beginning in [[2023]], Mike Chitwood rose to e-prominence by targeting users of [[4chan]]. It all started when the [[Goyim Defense League]] trolled the Daytona International Speedway by hanging [[funny|antisemitic]] banners over it, causing Mike Chitwood to dis them, causing 4chan nazis to post about their fantasies to kill him (in Minecraft, of course), causing many of them to get arrested and extradited to Florida so they could ride down the escalator of shame at the Florida airport where Chitwood could greet them personally at the bottom because Chitwood likes to get the last laugh. In fact, you don’t even need to necessarily threaten Chitwood's life to get on his shitlist; people like [[Richard Golden]] only suggested somebody should kill Mike Chitwood (in a video game no less) and still got a year's worth of jail time. In an act of hypocrisy, Shitwood is trying to execute people who even criticise him. Ultimately, Mike Chitwood views it as essential to crush the First Amendment because it allegedly allowed shit like the [[Payton Gendron|Buffalo Supermarket Shooting]] to happen.

==Chitwood goes after the kids==

[[File:Minecraft don’t go to school meme.jpeg|thumb|left|Post this and the [[consequences will never be the same]].]]
Sometime in 2018, Chitwood began arresting and perp-walking kids for posting [[school shooting]] threats online. The department also made sure to release their face [[dox]]es and [[powerword]]s as a form of punishment through public humiliation via their “Naming and Shaming” policy; forever screwing up their future prospects just for sharing [[edgy]] [[memes]] online or having a dark and sordid sense of humor. This caused much butthurt among [[free speech]] advocates and [[libertarians]], although "tough on crime" extremists like Shitwood and his bootlickers view these extreme tactics as somehow normal because fuck [[pussies|human rights]].

Since Shitwood and company gleefully released these kids' information to the public, we might as well cover some of them with their mugshots to boot as certificates of their badassery:

:''see also: [[High Score#Absolute Fucking Failures]]''
[[File:Carlo Dorelli mugshot.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Carlo "Kingston" Dorelli''' (11), Creekside Middle School
Jokingly showed off his arsenal of air soft guns, knives, swords and a hit list to his classmates through FaceTime calls, leading to his arrest on Sept. 16, 2024. Ironically, it was another 11-year-old boy that ratted him out who was involved in similar activities.
<center><youtube>HDAMPJVkZek</youtube></center>
[[File:Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance''' (17 & 16), T. Dewitt Taylor Middle-High
Shortly after their school broadcasted an announcement warning students that all threats would be taken seriously and could lead to arrest, Trinity posted a picture of her school laptop on [[Snapchat]] captioned with “Imma shoot up the school”, Brayden commented “Same”, then they were both arrested on Sep. 18, 2024.

Perp walk video: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=505488772279311&vanity=sheriffchitwood&http_ref=eyJ0cyI6MTc2OTAzNjYxOTAwMCwiciI6Imh0dHBzOlwvXC93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbVwvIn0%3D
[[File:Kamden Taylor BUSTED.jpeg|thumb|Criminal scum right where he belongs.|250px]]
*'''Kamden Taylor''' (13), Riverview Learning Center
Arrested TWICE. Once on Sept. 27, 2024, for making a threat against somebody through his [[PlayStation]] and again in Feb. 6, 2025, because the AI overlords detected something he wrote on his school computer.
<center><youtube>9QVLCVeHbzg</youtube></center>

Hopefully, this gives you an idea of how absolutely minute some of these kids' offenses were and how Orwellian the justice response to it is.

And here's the rest of them:
<center><youtube>Qmzf9nQZNEU</youtube></center>

===Onideus Mad Hatter Saves The Kids===
Some time in 2025, the ever-prevalent [[lolcow]], [[Onideus Mad Hatter]], came to prominence once again after sending a death threat (if we are to use the word “threat” loosely) to Mike Chitwood and getting the whole escalator of shame treatment as a result of it. Apparently Mr. Onideus had the balls to criticise Shitwood's violent abuse of these children at taxpayer expense because their mugshots were being sourced into the paedo Wayne Ivey's [[AI art|AI-generated child pornography]] or something like that.

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
File:Richard Golden coming out.jpeg
File:Mike Chitwood 4chan meme.png
File:Richard Golden soyjak.png
File:Chitwood Merchandise.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 1.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 2.png
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
*[[Joe Lieberman]] - a politician arguably even more Jewey and anti-lulz than Chitwood is. He wants you arrested just for being [[Goth]] or playing [[DOOM]]. The good news is Lie-burman is burning in hell where he belongs.
*[[Grady Judd]] - an even more violent version of Shitwood with an even bigger ego and equally obnoxious cult of personality known for stupid cringe propaganda videos. The only difference is Judd targets [[niggers]] and [[spics]].
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - one of his victims.
*[[Richard Golden]] - another one of his victims.
*[[Houston]] - home of many Shitwood copycats, from John Whitmire (aka Shitfire) to David Fleischer (who is also a paedo).
*[[Mahathir bin Mohamad]] - [[muzzy]] version of Shitwood
*[[The Simpsons]] - where Shitwood belongs

==External Links so you can troll the fucker==
*{{Facebook|sheriffchitwood|His Facebook}}
*{{Twitter|SheriffChitwood|His Twitter}}
*{{Instagram|sheriffchitwood|His Instagram}}

{{portals|chans|trolls}}
{{Cancer}}
{{Childabuseseries}}
{{Columbine}}
{{jewseries}}
{{Politics}}
{{serious Business}}
[[Category:People]]

Austin

2026-03-23T07:27:16Z

Crow caw: /* Trolling Austinintes */

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses (they wouldn't be crap if the damn government spent more money on them instead of useless highway expansions!), [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* Militant [[atheists]] who never leave their basements.
* Vegans
* Fossil fuel lobbyists
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits)
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city. Bonus points if that city is [[Nashville]] and you mention sexy blonde country girls live there.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Adhere to any religion that is not [[cringe|militant atheism]]
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Tell the [[spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

Austin

2026-03-23T07:24:48Z

Crow caw: /* The People */

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses (they wouldn't be crap if the damn government spent more money on them instead of useless highway expansions!), [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* Militant [[atheists]] who never leave their basements.
* Vegans
* Fossil fuel lobbyists
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits)
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Adhere to any religion that is not [[cringe|militant atheism]]
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Tell the [[spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

Houston

2026-03-21T07:40:23Z

Crow caw: /* People & Neighborhoods */

[[Image:Niggerstakeoverfacebook.png|thumb|Houstonians]]

Also known as the "City of [[Fat|Sin]]" (in a <s>sad</s> bad-ass attempt to one-up Las Vegas), Houston is the largest city in "[[Texas]]".
It's the largest city in terms of overall sprawl, it's the largest city in terms of population (numbers) and it's the largest city in terms of population size (XXXXL). Seriously, these are some seriously fat ppl.

The area of Houston was once inhabited by [[Indian|injuns]] but was later reclaimed after [[Mexicans]] killed them all for [[beer]]. [[LOL]], years later Americans came and ate all the Mexican tacos and the Mexicans had to move to [[California]]. [[LOL]], then the [[niggers]]s came from a <s>time portal</s> New Orleans and bawwwwed Houston into taking them in, making it more [[ghetto]]. It is most known for its bad traffic and obesity rates (as a result of car dependence disguised as MUH FREEDUMB!!).

Also the mayor of Houston is an old hwhite bald oil billionaire named John. Take that negroes!

==Attractions==
Moar [[nigga|nigz]]!

Moar highways!

Moar lane, bro!

Moar suburban sprawl!

[[Image:Bud_montage.jpg|right|thumb|Horse [[piss]] and water: the taste [[America]] craves.]]Houston is also home to a [[Budweiser]] <s>Beer brewery, which has caused the entire city to smell like [[shit]]</s> Distribution Warehouse. The horses from which they draw the [[beer]]'s main ingredient are immortalized at the front of building. On rainy days a passing tourist might even spot the facility's [[patent]]ed method of adding a perfect mix of water to their brew.

From 1968 to 2005, Houston was home to Astroworld, where the [[teenagers]] from all around wasted their summers, and where familes spent quality time together. In 2005, Six Flags' [[Fag|CEO]] annouced that Astroworld [[Goodnight Sweet Prince|would be closed]], so that they could sell the land to developers for [[over 9000]] jew gold. However, after the site was cleared, it was sold for less than half of what was expected, and [[Srsly|the land is only used as a big fucking parking lot for the rodeo]]. As if Houston doesn't have enough parking lots.

Don't forget about [[Mexicans|Taqueria Arandas]].

==Kolaches==
When the people of Houston founded their city with [[lazy|sloth]] and [[fat|corpulence]] the top two civic virtues they needed to invent a way they could jam the most calories into their faces as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Voilà: the Kolache, a [[Europe|Central European]] pastry that serves as breakfast food. It is commonly stuffed with [[Pen0r|sausage]], egg, cream cheese, fake fruit, jalapeños, cheese and [[Fat|lard]]. Everyone and everywhere in Houston between 5:00 AM and noon eat roughly a dozen of these artery-hardening confections. Each has approximately 450 calories.

==People & Neighborhoods==
Houston is a city of contrasts well separated by its highway system ([[Segregation|by design]]).

'''Inside the 610 Loop - General'''

People here are constantly drunk or stoned on delta 8. This is why they seem so friendly. The moment you get outside the 610 Loop, some redneck is going to pop a cap in your ass.

'''Inside the 610 Loop - Downtown'''

This is where white people commute two hours to get to every morning. They work for big oil and gas companies that lobby the government for one more lane, bro(!!) and they plan their day around where to go for lunch (Chili's) and how early they can get out of work to beat the traffic home (2:00 pm). Also downtown you will often see Mexican labor crews working on building more highways and parking lots or going to and from their restaurant jobs on the bus or laughably tiny tram system while rich Tesla-driving suburbanites complain about Texas getting "California'd" because they have to look at minorities and poor people. The last group you might see downtown are female black administrative assistants. They are the only people that do any real work and they get paid 1% more than the Mexicans working at Chili's.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, west of Downtown - Montrose'''

Just west of the urban sprawl of downtown, the Montrose district of Houston is well-known for overpriced Greek eateries, incompetent bartenders, and
the kind of full-on Jew debauchery that would generally be associated with a [[gay]] bathhouse. Known as the "MAN-trose" to those in the know, this is a great place to find varying degrees of the slothful homeless and the stains of fresh semen throughout the back alleyways. For many this is the center of urban nightlife in Houston, and it is possible to find an all-bareback poz party at any time of the day. Individuals new to the city will know they've reached this historic district when they are being approached by several homeless men begging for spare change and strange men promising satisfying [[Fellatio|blowjobs]]. This is where the American version of [[Doug Ford]] known as Shitfire (aka Whitmire) hails from. Also the [[Aneros]] factory is located here.

Don't try raising a family in Montrose unless you want your kid asking why that cowboy isn't wearing pants, and why Tonto is on a leash.

'''Inside the 610 Loop, east of Downtown - The Wards'''

Full of [[niggers]] and crack whores. Going 2 blocks in will result in you getting robbed, shot, raped, and shot again.

'''Between 610 and Beltway 8, south of Westheimer - Ghetto'''

This is the ghetto. It's a swirling chaotic cesspool of violence and crime. Many factors contribute to the size and danger of this ghetto. They include:

#<del>Racism</del>LAZINESS preventing any [[black]] males from getting jobs.
#Tensions between the black man and the [[Mexicans]].
#[[Rednecks|Texans]] love guns and think everyone should have two for each hand.
#Proximity to the border means they're standing in a flood of incoming Mexican drugs.
#Spec's liquor stores and their [[Alcoholic|get 2 for 1 specials]].
#It's hot and humid and that makes people go nuts with guns.
#The spics are too stupid to learn English and are even illiterate in their native Spanish language.

'''Between Beltway 8 and Highway 6 - Suburbs'''

This is where the [[white people]] live in their gated communities. Everyone has a three car garage (for the three Lincoln Navigators), a heated swimmin' pool (cement pond), a 4,000 square foot house without a basement and a dog the size of a horse. No minorities are allowed to live here. During the day you might see some Mexican people cleaning houses or cutting lawns but they should be gone by the time you finish your 3 hour commute home from work. Most of the white people attend [[Fresh Prince|Bellaire High School]] where there is a lot of affirmative action niggers and Jews. [[Trap]]!!!

'''Outside Highway 6 - Plains'''

This is where "cowboys" live. They all drive pickup trucks and they greet each other by shooting at nearby objects. Your status here is determined by the size of your belt buckle. In reality, nobody here is a cowboy, they're all white folks who are retired or crazy and wear cowboy costumes to make themselves feel more manly.

'''Northern Suburbs - Kingwood/Porter/Atascocita/Spring'''

Get yer church hat on. People north of Greenspoint, aka Gunspoint, secretly drink Natural Light at home when they're not out at Chili's pretending to mingle with the neighbors. You will be shot with a rifle or robbed at some point, and if you're not, you'll be run over by an eight-year-old on a four-wheeler. People go to these suburbs when they are too suicidal to even live inside the loop. Spring has a crawfish boil each year, where you will find everything but crawfish; however, if you've been waiting for Ted Nugent to play a live show, you're in luck.

Fun Fact: Everyone at the Kingwood Starbucks is actually on a layover from Bush International.

'''Magnolia County - The Woodlands'''

Just north of Spring is the [[Rich|developed community]] of The Woodlands. As it's outside of Harris county the taxes are next to nothing, which has resulted in young families moving north and spending their trust funds on high-end delis, Starbucks, and dogs the size of horses. Everyone hear either lives in million dollar mansions with a country club for a back yard or shady apartments which also happen to have country clubs in their back yard. There are no recent college graduates here - everyone is either under 18 or in their early 40s. In other words, rich and boring. Only plus side: The Woodlands is walkable and has decent bike trails, unlike the highway-infested Houston itself.

'''Magnolia County - Conroe/Magnolia'''

Trade your BMW or Lexus for a F250, cowboy boots, and illiteracy. The average speed limit on I-45 in this area is in the triple digits, even through the constant construction that makes downtown Houston look quiet. Conroe is also a haven for illegal immigrants and recently released inmates, as it's right between Houston and [[Prison|Huntsville]]. Huntsville used to be known as the "death capital of the Americas" before [[Tampa]] succeeded it. The plus-sized trashiness is only matched by the plus-sized inhabitants, whose favorite pastimes include riding their rascals at Walmart and wiggling fishing poles at Academy. Magnolia, meanwhile, is too busy brewing moonshine and shooting colored folk to be bothered. In fact, [[you]] should go bother them, as [[Fact|they totally won't shoot at you for trespassing]]. [[Autistic]] people are completely banned from entering Conroe and will immediately be shot dead by their pigs with badges on sight. What is this, [[Florida]]?

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and West of 288'''

In Houston itself- Memorial, Westchase, and Alief. A major snore-fest, nothing but boring white people and [[azns]] with their houses, and all their shitty fast food joints, supermarkets, consumer goods outlets, and Starbucks they need to thrive.

Fort Bend County- Sugar Land, Stafford, and Missouri City. [[George Carlin|All you got is mile after mile of mall after mall...they put the mini-malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts. And in between the mini-marts you got your car lots, gas stations, auto shops, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores]]. This area is nothing but [[America|a soulless cesspool of consumerism]]. Sure, there was the Imperial Sugar mill, but a lot of that got [[banhammered]] several years ago. You can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time here. Interestingly enough, Fort Bend County is a demoncrap farty stronghold due to it being one of the few parts of the area with a large [[chink]] and [[curry nigger]] population. Meanwhile, the Chinese, Arab and Indian migrants in the northern suburbs of [[Dallas|Houston's arch nemesis]] vote repub.

'''Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and East of 288'''

Brazoria and Galveston Counties (Pearland, Friendswood, and League City): Just more [[rich]] [[white]] assholes and their [[faggoty]] [[golf|golf courses]]. Mostly NASA workers, government contractors, and other aerospace-techie types live here. Planes taking off from Hobby can be constantly seen over one's head here.

In Houston- Clear Lake and Ellington: [[Space]]! This is where the astronauts train for their roles in <s>space exploration</s> fake spaceflight movies filmed in the basement of JSC. Also an old Air Force Base that's mostly civilian stuff now, but one ANG unit is still active.

In Harris County- Pasadena, Deer Park, La Porte, etc.: HERE BE DRAGONS. This is quite literally the armpit of the Houston area (it smells like one too.) Nothing but chemical plants and the ship channel. The sun shines about five times a year in this area from all the pollution. Nothing but poor white people and [[Mexicans]] live here. The types of people the creepy pervert David M. Fleisher wants to rape to death.

==Sports==
'''Houston Astros''': A piece of shit team that plays a game revolving around who can shoot the most [['Roids|steroids]] into a teammate's ass cheek.

While the team may be a piece of crap the Astrodome is <s>not</s>craptastic . It has housed thousands of former niggers of the flooded [[New Orleans]]. Unlike the other shitty states of America, [[Texas]] is <s>usually the most reliable</s> JK it always sucks.

'''Houston Rockets''': A team that was good in the 90s thanks to all the players suicide bombing the other teams to appease [[Muslim|Allah]]. Since Rick Perry has since given permission for Texans to shoot Arabs on site, the team now sucks. Attending a Rockets game is also a very convenient way to get robbed.

'''Houston Texans''': Holy shit, we were in the playoffs this year?!

'''Houston Aeros''': Nobody in Houston gives a shit about hockey.

'''Houston Dynamo''': Major League Soccer team that [[noone]] gives a fuck about outside the Hispanic race and bandwagon bros who think it makes you edgy to like soccer.

==Sitting In Metal Pods==

There is no visiting Houston, there is only sitting in traffic in Houston. The outside world has to send in food trucks to people in their car once a week. No one hears from them again. The truth is: 2.3 million people live in Houston and they are always on the highway. [[Budweiser]] has tried to send out word to the outside world about this truth. But unfortunately, [[Stupid|they]] tried to do it on [[Fox News|Faux News]]. Everyone watching is having a hard time trying to get out of [[George Bush]]'s ass much less a large asshole city... but even those people aren't watching [[Fox News|Faux]] and [[Friends]]. If you dare to suggest building public transport or bike lanes as an alternative to driving, the car-loving politicians will brutally execute you via botched lethal injection with 300 litres of pure crude oil into your blood. A modern urban metropolis? No, this is 'Murica, where one moar lane bro rules all! Liveable cities are for those pussy [[Europe|Eurofags]]!

==See Also==
* [[Ghetto]]
* [[Crap]]
* [[WTF]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Obesity]]
* [[Traffic]]
* [[Gay]]
* [[Viper]] - Rapper that specifies in the autism genre, originates from here.
* [[NotJustBikes]] - [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] "refugee" billionaire who ran away like a coward to Amsterdam in his 10 private jets and 20 yachts just because he doesn't want to live on the same continent as Houston, which [[dumbass|he thinks represents all of North America]].

{{Afro}}
{{unitedstates}}

[[Category:Locations]]

John Oliver

2026-03-21T07:25:07Z

Crow caw:

[[File:Hackalert.jpg||center|350px]]
[[File:Liberal Worm Teeth.jpg|center|350px]]

'''John Oliver'''{{jew}} is an unfunny SJW Britfag jew hack comedian huckster. He was originally on the ''[[The Daily Show]]'' with [[Jon Stewart]] on Comedy Central, before getting his own show on [[HBO]]. John was also responsible for spawning the shitty [[Donald Drumpf]] meme to the world on his show. John was the one who brought [[The Donald]] to fame back in 2015 to run in the presidential election in the first place as a joke...and quickly realised he made a terrible mistake when Don won. One of his "accomplishments" was that he made [[The Current Year]] a popular term in the wretched hive that is the SJW community.

Jew William Oliver was born in Erdington, Birmingham, [[England]] on 23 April 1977. During the 2016 Americunt election, he joined forces with the Democratic establishment to use his show as propaganda to get the Democrat in name only [[Hillary Clinton]] elected for the 2016 election, which thankfully failed. Now, he [[Liberal Butthurt Syndrome|bitches and moans]] (with the occasional joke thrown in) about the current US President just about every chance he gets on his show.

The most noticeable thing about him physically is that he has the worlds larges nose. People have tried to climb up Mount Johnny's Nose, but not have been successful. He has glass which just screams "I'm a dork." He wears a these business suits, because he sold his soul to [[Stephen Colbert|The Devil]] to fill his fetish of dressing like a Joseph A Banks reject model.

==Using a Trump-Created Loophole to Avoid Taxes on His House==
Being a rich liberal hypocrite is hard work, especially when you own a Manhattan penthouse worth $9.5 million. Let me repeat that. $9,500,000. For a fucking house. But of course, John isn't satisfied with just owning this big house. No. He has to use tax loopholes, so he hardly has to pay any property tax, something he himself has lambasted others for.

{{quote|In 2015, Oliver and his [[negro]] wife used Hoagie’s Place to purchase a 39th floor penthouse in an Upper West Side building overlooking the Hudson River for $9.5 million. Property records show they put half down and took out a $4.75 million mortgage from J.P. Morgan. Neither Oliver nor his wife’s name appears on the mortgage, or any of the other property records discussed in this story. [http://tinyurl.com/johnoliverhousefraud Hoagie’s Place] (named after his dog) is identified as the buyer in the mortgage, but it's listed address is an office building in Encino, California that houses dozens of shell corporations and revocable trusts....

Oliver benefits from New York’s property tax system, which offers huge advantages to residents of rich enclaves like the one where he lives. For example, even though Oliver paid $9.5 million for his penthouse, the city assessed its market value for tax purposes at just $1.3 million. However, only $515,000 of that amount was billable for property taxes. At a rate of 12.8 percent, Oliver normally would have paid $66,390.

However, property tax records show that, thanks to Trump and Roy Cohn, Oliver gets the very generous 421-a tax break on the penthouse. Hence, his property’s billable value after the exemption plunged by over $300,000, and he owed just $27,343 for 2016. That comes out to a property tax rate of roughly 0.25 percent, which would make Ronald Reagan and Ayn Rand dance in their graves from happiness.|[http://observer.com/2017/05/john-oliver-property-tax-scam-trump/ The observer with the facts that make liberals cry]}}

==See also==
*[[Amy Schumer]] - Just like him, she's an unfunny hack.
*[[Hillary Clinton]] - He endorsed her.
*[[Jon Stewart]] - Was on his show before Stewart left Comedy Central.
*[[Lena Dunham]] - Another unfunny hack comedian, just like Oliver.
*[[Unfunny]] - Pretty much sums him up.
*[[Illegal immigrants]] - he is probably the only one from Europe.
*[[Bill Maher]] - John's arch nemesis on the same network

{{stub}}

{{trump}}
{{jews}}
{{television}}
{{sj}}

Mike Chitwood

2026-03-21T07:12:51Z

Crow caw: fuck Shitwood

{{Fed}}
[[File:Mike Chitwood bra pic.jpeg|220px|left]]
{{Elaw}}
'''Mike Chitwood''', a.k.a. '''Kike Shitwood'''{{Jew}}, is a former [[Florida]] sheriff turned full-time [[Internet police]] Gestapo man with a hate-boner for those [[4chan]] [[trolls]]. He is a notable [[snowflake]] who launches into violent hissy fits in response to any criticism of his retarded bullshit. What separates him from most of the casuals is his intense sexual fetish for actually sending people who offend him to jail. Shitwood is basically a liberal version of the equally nasty blowhard [[Grady Judd]] and the creepy pervert [[Wayne Ivey]]. All Florida sheriffs are the modern Gestapo.

==Chitwood declares war on 4chan==
[[File:GDL highway banner.jpeg|220px|left]]
Beginning in [[2023]], Mike Chitwood rose to e-prominence by targeting users of [[4chan]]. It all started when the [[Goyim Defense League]] trolled the Daytona International Speedway by hanging [[funny|antisemitic]] banners over it, causing Mike Chitwood to dis them, causing 4chan nazis to post about their fantasies to kill him (in Minecraft, of course), causing many of them to get arrested and extradited to Florida so they could ride down the escalator of shame at the Florida airport where Chitwood could greet them personally at the bottom because Chitwood likes to get the last laugh. In fact, you don’t even need to necessarily threaten Chitwood's life to get on his shitlist; people like [[Richard Golden]] only suggested somebody should kill Mike Chitwood (in a video game no less) and still got a year's worth of jail time. In an act of hypocrisy, Shitwood is trying to execute people who even criticise him. Ultimately, Mike Chitwood views it as essential to crush the First Amendment because it allegedly allowed shit like the [[Payton Gendron|Buffalo Supermarket Shooting]] to happen.

==Chitwood goes after the kids==

[[File:Minecraft don’t go to school meme.jpeg|thumb|left|Post this and the [[consequences will never be the same]].]]
Sometime in 2018, Chitwood began arresting and perp-walking kids for posting [[school shooting]] threats online. The department also made sure to release their face [[dox]]es and [[powerword]]s as a form of punishment through public humiliation via their “Naming and Shaming” policy; forever screwing up their future prospects just for sharing [[edgy]] [[memes]] online or having a dark and sordid sense of humor. This caused much butthurt among [[free speech]] advocates and [[libertarians]], although "tough on crime" extremists like Shitwood and his bootlickers view these extreme tactics as somehow normal because fuck [[pussies|human rights]].

Since Shitwood and company gleefully released these kids' information to the public, we might as well cover some of them with their mugshots to boot as certificates of their badassery:

:''see also: [[High Score#Absolute Fucking Failures]]''
[[File:Carlo Dorelli mugshot.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Carlo "Kingston" Dorelli''' (11), Creekside Middle School
Jokingly showed off his arsenal of air soft guns, knives, swords and a hit list to his classmates through FaceTime calls, leading to his arrest on Sept. 16, 2024. Ironically, it was another 11-year-old boy that ratted him out who was involved in similar activities.
<center><youtube>HDAMPJVkZek</youtube></center>
[[File:Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance.jpeg|right|250px]]
*'''Trinity Mack & Brayden Severance''' (17 & 16), T. Dewitt Taylor Middle-High
Shortly after their school broadcasted an announcement warning students that all threats would be taken seriously and could lead to arrest, Trinity posted a picture of her school laptop on [[Snapchat]] captioned with “Imma shoot up the school”, Brayden commented “Same”, then they were both arrested on Sep. 18, 2024.

Perp walk video: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=505488772279311&vanity=sheriffchitwood&http_ref=eyJ0cyI6MTc2OTAzNjYxOTAwMCwiciI6Imh0dHBzOlwvXC93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbVwvIn0%3D
[[File:Kamden Taylor BUSTED.jpeg|thumb|Criminal scum right where he belongs.|250px]]
*'''Kamden Taylor''' (13), Riverview Learning Center
Arrested TWICE. Once on Sept. 27, 2024, for making a threat against somebody through his [[PlayStation]] and again in Feb. 6, 2025, because the AI overlords detected something he wrote on his school computer.
<center><youtube>9QVLCVeHbzg</youtube></center>

Hopefully, this gives you an idea of how absolutely minute some of these kids' offenses were and how Orwellian the justice response to it is.

And here's the rest of them:
<center><youtube>Qmzf9nQZNEU</youtube></center>

===Onideus Mad Hatter Saves The Kids===
Some time in 2025, the ever-prevalent [[lolcow]], [[Onideus Mad Hatter]], came to prominence once again after sending a death threat (if we are to use the word “threat” loosely) to Mike Chitwood and getting the whole escalator of shame treatment as a result of it. Apparently Mr. Onideus had the balls to criticise Shitwood's violent abuse of these children at taxpayer expense because their mugshots were being sourced into the paedo Wayne Ivey's [[AI art|AI-generated child pornography]] or something like that.

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
File:Richard Golden coming out.jpeg
File:Mike Chitwood 4chan meme.png
File:Richard Golden soyjak.png
File:Chitwood Merchandise.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 1.png
File:Richard Golden Fan Art 2.png
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
*[[Joe Lieberman]] - a politician arguably even more Jewey and anti-lulz than Chitwood is. He wants you arrested just for being [[Goth]] or playing [[DOOM]]. The good news is Lie-burman is burning in hell where he belongs.
*[[Grady Judd]] - an even more violent version of Shitwood with an event bigger ego and equally obnoxious cult of personality known for stupid cringe propaganda videos. The only difference is Judd targets [[niggers]] and [[spics]].
*[[Onideus Mad Hatter]] - one of his victims.
*[[Richard Golden]] - another one of his victims.
*[[Houston]] - home of many Shitwood copycats, from John Whitmire (aka Shitfire) to David Fleischer (who is also a paedo).

==External Links so you can troll the fucker==
*{{Facebook|sheriffchitwood|His Facebook}}
*{{Twitter|SheriffChitwood|His Twitter}}
*{{Instagram|sheriffchitwood|His Instagram}}

{{portals|chans|trolls}}
{{Cancer}}
{{Childabuseseries}}
{{Columbine}}
{{Hitler}}
{{Nazis}}
{{Politics}}
{{serious Business}}
[[Category:People]]

Austin

2026-03-21T07:01:17Z

Crow caw: /* Trolling Austinintes */

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses, [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits)
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Adhere to any religion that is not [[cringe|militant atheism]]
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Tell the [[spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

Austin

2026-01-25T19:05:54Z

Crow caw: /* Trolling Austinintes */

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses, [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits)
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Tell the [[spics]] to SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

Austin

2026-01-25T19:05:12Z

Crow caw: /* In Politics */

[[Image:Congress.jpg|thumb|right| Austin is the capitol of [[Texas]], home to the [[Fag Enabler | University of Texas]] - the [[Unwarranted self importance | largest]] public university in [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Merica]]. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning [[Emos | live music]] scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.]]

'''Austin''' is the [[Hippy | hippie]] leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise [[redneck]] ballsack that is [[Texas]] and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as [[33mhz]], Molobolo, cupid Jungian and [[hardvice]], as well as several decent [[LJer]]s outside [[Dramacrat|Dramacratic]] circles.

While perhaps not as central to [[teh]] [[drama]] as, say, [[Seattle]] or [[Atlanta]], it's worth noting that, as the former home of [http://www.popsubculture.com/pop/bio_project/charles_whitman.html Charles Whitman], Austin is the birthplace of the [[School Shooting]], and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like [http://www.texasnaacp.org/jasper.htm Jasper] and [http://www.rickross.com/groups/waco.html Waco].

In 1966, [[Cho Seung Hui]] time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot [[at least 100]] students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become [[an hero]].

== Attractions ==

'''Town Lake:''' Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've [[evar]] seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old [[hippies]] grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of [[AIDS]] within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

'''Barton Springs:''' A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

'''The Capitol:''' It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

'''The Mothership:''' The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of [[Indie]]-kids and [[homeless|artists]] who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

'''6th Street:''' Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of [[Ghost]] and a [[DO_NOT_WANT|regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks]], especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

'''The Warehouse District:''' Kind of like 6th Street, only with more [[AIDS]].

'''Downtown:''' Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - [https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/5-things-to-know-about-new-knife-laws-in-texas-9573461 both are now legal in Texas].

'''Lake [[No More Heroes|Travis]]:''' Yeah [[motherfucker]]! That is, if you're into [[lemonparty|lemonparties]] and amoebas that blind you.

'''Leslie Cochran:''' A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is <strike>[[W|AWOL]] mentally.</strike> [http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/us/austin-proud-of-eccentricity-loses-a-favorite.html?_r=0 DEAD]

'''[[Hippie]] Hollow:''' Where [[lemonparty|old naked men]] go when they're not on the [[internets]]. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

'''Mopac''' YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic [[rage]] goes.

'''SoCo''' Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

==Unattractions==
'''The University of Texas:''' The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a [[wigger]], the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than [[Harvard]] and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of [[niggers]], but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original [[Cho]], Charles Whitman.

'''Anderson High School:''' The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of [[lulz|segregation]]. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

'''[[Hitler|Cicero Institute]]''': founded by a tax-evading McMansion resident who has great contempt for [[homeless]] people and wants to [[Holocaust|gas them to death]].

'''Johnston High School:''' The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

'''SH 130:''' An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed [[Ass_Rape|97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again]] to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. [[The Man|TXDoT]] refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes (only for show, as this is 'Murica where lazy fatasses must drive their [[SUV|death machines]] and refuse to walk like the [[Europoor]]s they hate).

'''SH 45:''' See above. Same shit, different stroad.

'''Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County:''' Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to [[Dell]] Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and [[almost raped]] in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if [[Satan|Dell]] has just hired you for tech support.

'''East Austin:''' There are tribes in [[Africa|East Austin]] that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to [[Ban_fucking_everyone|"revitalize"]] the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

'''Montopolis:''' This is where most of the [[Wetback|Mexican Americans]] dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of [[San Antonio]]. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

'''Westlakkke:''' The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and [[wigger]] babies.

'''IH-35:''' The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the [[Europoor|superior]] passenger train proposed decades ago. Instead, the same terrorists from Shitheadistan who run the state highways insist on [[Obesity|widening the 8-lane highway]] that the city [[do not want|needs]] running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year in the name of MUH FREEDUMB! to die in a twisted fiery [[orgy]] with 10 other [[rape|consenting metal pods]].

'''North Lamar/Braker:''' This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking [[Starcraft|South Korean]] refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to [[Zerg Rush|get the fuck out]]? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

'''Stony Point High School:''' Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and [[spics|mexicans]] (though the same could be said about [[America|pretty much anything]]). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about [[pedophilia|10 years old]]), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for [[scene|retardedness]] and [[emo|general fuckery]]. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being [[fags|idiots]], these 9th graders bloom into flowers of [[Hot Topic|unyielding stupidity]] that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has [[queer|both nipples pierced]] and do not ask how I know this.

'''Westwood high school:''' Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

'''Crockett High School:''' Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be [[nigra|gangstas]] and [[Mexicans]]. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

'''McNeil High School:''' By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with [[nigger|niggers]] and [[jews|other degenerate pieces of filth]]. Run by a [[wimmins|strong and independent womyn]] and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total [[faggot|faggots]], so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

'''[[Tesla|Teslut]] factory''': where [[Elon Musk|Elton Musk]] has gay sex with his MAGA-ite fanboys in the back of a [[Clusterfuck|gadgetbahn]] and the libtards rage on [[Twitter]].

== The People ==
The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

* [[Hippies | Old Hippies]] / [[Yuppie | Techno-Hippies]] / [[Raver | Raver Hippies]] / [[Homeless | Crusty Hippies]].
* [[Hipsters]] can be spotted pretty much fucking everywhere (usually on those faggy, cunting scooters) except for Montopolis and Rundberg.
* [[Frat | College students]] can be seen stuffed into CrapMetro buses, [[Bukkake | guzzling]] [[Java | coffee]] at Starbucks while pretending to study (really: [[YouPorn]] and CuntBook), and holding up the line at [[7-11]] with their frequent [[Poverty | Pabst and Maruchan]] purchases.
* Although [[Homosexuality | The Gays]] keep their [[Perez Hilton | glory-holing]] restricted to West 4th St. they can be [[Fisted | spotted]] all over Austin.
* [[Stoner]]s also are everywhere in Austin alongside their somehow more degenerate K2 smokers.
* [[Spics | Spanish Americans]] (including, but not limited to: Cholos, Beaners, Wetbacks, Lawn Artists, Miggers, Paisas, Chili Chokers, and Border Bandits)
* [[Niggers | Antique Farm Equipment]]
* [[Azns | Viet-Cong]]

== Culture ==
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the [http://www.austinmusicnetwork.org Austin Music Network], the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that [http://www.vice.com/read/reasons-why-austin-is-the-worst-place-ever-512?utm_source=vicefbus Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg]. And [[spoiler|spoiler alert]], [http://www.vice.com/read/austin-was-built-to-be-segregated Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.]

== Famous Austinites ==
[[Image:Mcconaughey.jpg|thumb|Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.]]
[[Image:Lance-armstrong-bike.jpg|thumb|Lance Armstrong photographed by [[Drama | paparazzi]] on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.]]
[[Image:Leslie-austin-texas.jpg|thumb|Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.]]
[[Image:Michaeldell.jpg|thumb|"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"]]

=== In Showbiz ===
* '''[[Amouranth]]:''' [[OnlyFans]] slut
* '''Mike Judge:''' creator of [[Beavis and Butthead]], [[Hank Hill | King of the Hill]], ''Office Space'', ''Idiocracy'', ''Silicon Valley'' and a various other shit that [[Nobody cares | no one cares about]].
* '''Matthew McConaughey:''' Claims to be an [[Homosexual epithets | actor]] but is actually a rich [[stoner]] who lives his life in a purple haze of [[Stripper | titty bars]], private beaches and Taco Cabanas - only venturing back to [[Shit | The Real World]] often enough to hack out another romantic comedy, before picking up where he left off - living out every [[Breeder | straight]] man's fantasy. Failed 2022 gubernatorial candidate.
* '''Stevie Ray Vaughan:''' whose [[HA HA HA, OH WOW | helicopter-crash]] death pissed off the entire country because the original report of his death was mistakenly attributed to Phil Collins.
* '''O. Henry:''' Some fag poet who had a candy bar named after him.
* '''Sandra Bullock:''' who moved to Austin in search of the world's greatest taco supreme and to evade taxes. She can be spotted around town wearing a scarf and oversized sunglasses, going by "Casandra Bollocks" and [[Lurk | slinking]] around the upscale [[Spic | Mexican]] restaurants of west Austin.
* '''Kathy Valentine:''' bass guitarist for the [[Shit | Go-Go's]]. [[Internets#Rumors_on_the_Internets | Rumor has it]] she [[Lesbian | votes for bush]].
* '''Marcia [[Gay]] Harden'''
* '''Richard Linklater:''' wrote ''Dazed & Confused'', ''School of Rock'', and is personally responsible for the success of Jack Black's career.
* '''[[Alex Jones]]:''' [[Conspiracy Theory | conspiracy theorist]] known for such [http://www.infowars.com/ classics of American cinema] as ''[[Tinfoil hats | Police State 2000]]'', ''TerrorStorm'', [[Black Jesus | The Obama Deception]], and ''Underpants Gnomes: The Hidden Menace''.
* Two thirds of '''The Chixie Dicks'''.
* '''Janis Joplin:''' maintained by some to be the original [[wook]].
*'''Daniel Johnston:''' A singer-songwriter/[[McDonalds]] employee who rose to fame in the [[1980s]]. Being completely void of any real musical talent, Daniel was able to troll the ever living shit out of every talented, struggling musician in Austin by smoothtalking his way in to{{youtube|ICLXH8wdXhk|landing a live gig on MTV}} while they were in town covering Austin's local music scene; thus proving once again that the art of trolling is older than the internet itself. He went on to harness his magical powers of [[autism]] to take the local Austin music scene by storm, and it all came to a head after the dude from [[Fat Larry's Band|The Butthole Surfers]] introduced him to [[LSD]]. This turned out to be a horrible idea when his friends realized that he had been carrying on for years untreated for [[batshit insane|autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder]]. Left with no other options, Daniel had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air after frying all but two of his brain cells and eventually ended up being [[v&|invountarily commited to a mental hospital]] after [http://www.hihowareyou.com/messageboard/index.php?topic=1415.0 removing the keys to his father's two-man airplane and throwing them out the window while it was in the fucking air because he thought he was Casper The Friendly Ghost.] While committed, some faggot named [[Kurt Cobain]] started wearing his t-shirts everywhere and led to a major label bidding war over his music while he was busy licking windows in the mental hospital. Currently he lives in his parent's basement in bumfuck Texas and gets paid more money than you will make all year to play a fifteen minute set at an overpriced music festival filled with Millenials who have no idea who the creepy fat man on stage is. '''[[TL;DR]] just go torrent {{youtube|wJZOe65eA4Y|The Devil and Daniel Johnston}}.'''
* '''[[RebelTaxi]]''': a [[spic]] loli fan and the arch nemesis of [[TheMysteriousMrEnter|Enturd]]
* '''[[Ghost]]''': is a [[BlogTalkRadio]] radio host based in Austin. He is a former conservative/current capitalist who takes it up the pooper and is racist, despite denial

=== In Sports ===
* '''Lance Armstrong:''' a.k.a. "The One-Nut Wonder" - Professional [[Bike | bicycling]] champion, amateur [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/article489286.ece steroid] enthusiast, and [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html wife cheat-er on-er].
* '''Stone Cold Steve Austin:''' [[Retard | retired]] pro-[[Professional Wrestling|rassler]], chewing-tobacco enthusiast and [[Poetry | poet laureate]] of the mobile estate.
* '''Andy Rod[[dick]]:''' tennis player, Wimbledon loser, known as A-Rod to anyone who hates the Yankees.

=== In Politics ===
* '''Ann "Da Man" Richards:''' probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to [[The Governator | Ah-Nuld]]. She [http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/09/18/ivins.richards/index.html?iref=newssearch died] in 2006 of a [[Rage | rage]] stroke, probably pissed off at something her [[W | successor]] did.
* '''Leslie Cochran:''' [[homeless]] [[Trap | transvestite]] [[Fag | faggot]] and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for [http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A149293 mayor], having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called [[Lie | a man]], hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to [[Circle jerk | your house party]]. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of [[AIDS]] that, before killing you, turns you into a a [[homeless]] cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a [[Twilight | queer vampire]].
* '''[[Matt Dillahunty]]''': an obese militant [[atheist]] propagandist and a racist who hates [[Japan]] for hurting his snowflake feelings. He host the ''Atheist Experience'' propaganda show with his [[hipster]] colleague Seth Andrews in [[San Francisco]] thousands of kilometres away. The show consists mostly of them hating [[Japs]] and jerking off to fan art of their lord and saviour [[Christopher Hitchens]] sucking cocks in hell. Matt also served as state director for American [[Atheists]] until fellow fatass and closet [[Satanist]] Aron Ra replaced him.
* [[Lawyer|Andrew Seidel]] - same as Matt Dillahunty, except terminally on social media angrily raging about the very existence of religion and addicted to filing frivolous lawsuits against cemeteries that display crosses on graves.
* [[Fugly|David C. Wells]] - same as Andrew Seidel, except also obsessed with abortion.
* '''Kinky Friedman:''' Jewboy, retired [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/19/sunday/main788935_page2.shtml punk-rocker] (no [[lie]]!), and [[Fail | failed]] politician.
* It is rumored that '''The Anti-Christ''' will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
* '''John Henry Faulk:''' commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't [[Put shoe on head | put out]].
* '''[[Rick Perry]]:''' hard-line [[Christian | religious right]] asshole and current governor of [[Texas]]. Once suggested that [[Texas]] [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html secceed] from the US, but then totally [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING | pussed out]].
* '''[[Hitler|Joe Lonsdale]]:''' Elton Musk-worshipling Silicon Valley billionaire and NIMBY who hates poor people even worse than his idol Musk does. Joe ran away to Austin for purely political reasons (and to evade taxes). He wants to brutally execute all homeless people in concentration camps, so he founded and runs the Cicero Institute, the anti-homeless Gestapo which pushes laws criminalising existing anywhere outside of a car or McMansion.
* '''Lady Byrd Johnson:''' former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction ''Nigger Head Mountain'' changed to ''Colored'' Mountain.
* '''[[Secret Squirrel | Alberto Gonzales]]:''' who gave [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | the country]] Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
* '''Norma McCorvey:''' a.k.a. '''Jane Roe''' of ''[[Abortion | Roe vs. Wade]]''. Long time supporter of [[Vagoo | pussy]] control. [[Women | Changed her mind]] in 1994.
* '''Madalyn Murray O'Hair:''' founded ''American [[Atheists]]'' and is now sucking Hitchens' cock in hell after Matt Dillahunty sent a hitman to assassinate her so he could become the new supreme leader of the [[cult|organisation]].
* '''[[Elton John|Elton Musk]]''': the tax-evading grifter who fled [[Africa|Apefreakcum]] purely as a political attention whoring stunt.

=== In Shooting People ===
* '''Charles Whitman:''' the most [[Celebrity | famous]] Marine sniper after [[Conspiracy theory | Lee Harvey Oswald]]. Whitman shot [[Over 9000]] UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who [[lurk]] after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at <s>Le Fun</s> (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
* '''Doris Miller:''' WWII [[An hero | hero]] who shot down [[at least 100]] [[Jap|tojo]] planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

=== Miscellaneous ===
* '''[[Dell | Michael Dell]]:''' ex-frat [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 bro] turned [[Redundant | rich Jew]]. Best known for fucking [[over 9000 | over 7,000]] of his employees in 2001 by [[Animal abuse | firing them]] when there was no need to do so because some [[fag]] working in mid-level management told him to [[STFU | do so]], and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
* '''[[Because_of_my_syndrome | Lizzie Velasquez]]:''' because of her syndrome.
*[[Adalia Rose]]: While technically living in [[Suburbs|Round Rock]], the libfags of Austin always claim her as their own in an attempt to show how [[Gay|diverse and tolerant]] they are.

== Events ==
[[Image:Eeyoresbirthday.JPG | thumb | "...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."]]

=== South by Southwest ===
(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling [[Redundant | Jew-financed]] indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their [[Terrorism | Mecca]]. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same [[yuppies]] which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the ''Southpark'' episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further [[Jew gold]] from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 [[IPhone | iPhones]] cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

=== Eeyore's Birthday Party ===
Every April the city's fratboy and [[Hippy | hippie]] population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a [[Lies | fictional]] cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of [[Faggotry | freestyle frolicking]], napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter [[Fag | faggots]].

=== Austin Reggae Festival ===
Why go to [[Jamaica]] when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind [http://www.austinreggaefest.com/ "Bob Marley Fest"]. Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty [[Wook | wooks]] to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

=== Texas Relays ===
You can never truly appreciate the abject [[awesome|shittiness]] of [[niggers]] until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face [[Thats racist | allegations of racism]] should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. <s>Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town.</s> [http://austin.culturemap.com/news/city-life/05-14-18-highland-greenway-park-north-austin-redevelopment-acc/ Bought out by Austin Community College] since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes [[you]] wistful for the days of slavery.

=== ACL Fest ===
What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough [[shit]] bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

== Trolling Austinintes ==
* Three words: [[Rick Perry|Rick Motherfuckin' Perry]]
* Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
* Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city.
* Remind them that [[Senator Barack Hussein Obama|Barack Obama]] is only half black person.
* Be anti-abortion
* Be pro-gun
* Insist that [[Portland]] is weirder than Austin.
* Ask if they care about any political issues other than the holy trinity of abortion, gun control, or the January 6th bullshit.
* Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from [[California]].
* Hint at having recently relocated from California.
* Vote Republican.
* Tell them Whole Foods Market [[sold out]] to [[The Man|corporate America]].
* Say ''any'' other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning [[Florida]], [[New York]], or especially [[Oklahoma]].
* Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
* Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
* Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
* Ask "What's so great about [[Texas]] anyway?" (note: this will generally spur [[bullshit|an unending lecture about Texas history]])
* Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
* Support building [[Communism|trains]] instead of [[Stupid|one moar highway lane, bro!]]
* Ask them if they've ever heard of [[traffic|induced demand]]
* Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong [http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/cycling/article4232249.ece dabbled] in anabolic steroids, before [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,306796,00.html whoring around] on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with [[Lulz | testicular cancer]] but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
* Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
* Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
* Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
* Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
* Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

== See Also ==
* [[The Jewnited States of Americunts | 'Murka]]
* [[Texas]]
* [[Dallas]]
* [[Fort Worth, TX | Ft. Worthless]]
* [[Houston]]
* [[San Antonio]]
* [[Waco]]
* [[Hippy]]
* [[Liberals]]
* [[School shooting]]
* [[Drugs]]
* [[Losers]]
* [[Operation SyPhyllis]]

== Links ==
* [http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Austin,+TX Map of Austin, TX]
* [http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html Pictures of the famous Austin drag queen hobo, Leslie]

{{Indie}}
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category: Locations]]

NO U

2026-01-25T18:51:10Z

Crow caw: fuck Cabral of Covenant Aviation Security at SFO airport terminal 1!

{{center|<big><big><big><big><big><big><big>☞</big></big></big></big></big></big></big> 
<big><big><big>[[No|NO]] [[You|U]] </big></big></big> }}
[[Image:NO_U.jpg|right|thumb|[[Verbose|In actuality what has been posted may be more correctly attributed to the poster, rather than myself.]]]]
'''NO U''' is the ultimate trump to any debate or [[drama]] on the [[Internets]]. It originated on [[Something Awful]] [[at least 100 years ago]] and has been used ever since, though its roots originate in playground arguments. Perhaps the most appealing feature of "No U" is the fact that there is no defense against it and it requires no research whatsoever, but still manages to enrage other people. However, beware! [[Masturbation|Master debaters]] know that the only escape is to enter a never-ending cycle of "No U" until one of the debaters gets bored or angry and leaves. In this case, if you are the last person to leave, [[a winner is you]]! Congratulations. [[no|Hope it was worth it.]]

In the age of anger and vengeance being glorified, you can expect everyone in a position of authority (government and private sector alike) and their bootlickers to use the NO U bullshit in response to any criticism or dissent. Politely ask someone not to get so angry at you, then you can guarantee their response will be "You're the one that's getting angry!" There we go, deny any wrongdoing and turn everything around on your opponent! These types of attacks show that someone is too cowardly to defend their own point of view.

__TOC__

==Example of delivery==
[[File:NO_U_cycle.gif|frame|thumb|How a [[typical|usual]] NO U cycle progresses.]]
[[Image:ShakespeareNoU.jpg|right|thumb|Proof that NO U is [[at least 100]] years old.]]

:'''''Prima:''' If you're just going to sit back and criticize the [[furry]] fandom without doing any research on the socio-political ramifications of the lifestyle or culture, then you're nothing more than a prejudiced, narrow-minded homophobe.''

:'''''Secunda:''' no u''

Secunda has successfully enraged Prima so much that they can no longer come up with a valid counterargument, thereby winning them the argument and the adulation of millions of women. Remember to only use this power for the betterment of society, or for [[lulz]].

==No u wars==
When dealing with more formidable opponents who are wise in the ways of lulz, you may come across someone with an iron resolve. To best these opponents, obviously, you must declare a no u war. The rules are as follows (for [[IRC]]; forum variants may exist):

# The procession of "no u"s must be as fast as possible, but must be only in response to other "no u"s.
# The last person to get a "no u" in before either they or their opponent are kicked by [[butthurt|angry]] ops wins.
# However, if the last "no u" made by you was made after your opponent was kicked (but you are not—yet), it is invalid.
# Multiple "no u battles" may be declared over the course of an extended no u war.
# There is no limit to the amount of factions in a no u war, but all factions must respond to each other individually.
# Feel free to use the expanded version that starts off with, "You're the one _____"
# Never try to defend or justify your own decisions! Always attack!

<center>{{bigpic|No U war.png|700|200|An example of how to conduct a no u war. In this no u battle, "Blast" has won.}}</center>

[[Image:NO U.png|right|thumb|NO U may not be considered a valid real world legal defense, but as [[Phoenix Wright]], Ace Attorney displays, it is indeed a valid objection in [[Internet court]].]]

[[Image:Noyou.jpg|right|thumb|A perfect example of No U being pulled off by some person from [[YouTube|YouTube]] ]]

==Other [[List of ways to win at the internet|Internet-winning]] debate techniques==
* [[50 Hitler Post]]
* [[Big Dog|What's the matter? Too DEEP for you?]]
* [[cool story bro]]
* [[Gish Gallop]]
* [[GTFO]]
* [[Inane flame]]
* [[Occupatio]]
* [[tl;dr]]
* [[Your mom]]
* [[Your argument is invalid]]

==Gallery==
{{cg|NO U|nougallery|center|<gallery>
Image:ChrisNO-U.jpg|[[Family Guy|No explanation needed here.]]
Image:GeraldFordNO_U.jpg
Image:NO U!.jpg|Sum NO U on [[JewTube]]s
Image:No_u.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
Image:YuSuzuki.jpg
Image:NO U Keyboard.jpg|[[I see what you did there]]
Image:Propernou.jpg
image:80sguynou.jpg|80s style.
Image:NoUParker.jpg|The ultimate in emo wit.
Image:Mad Matt.jpg|"No, U!" is [[Mr Saari|a common reaction]] of [[Finland|Finns]] faced with [[fact|facts and arguments]]; it's usually followed by [[headshot|shooting you in the face]].
Image:fryU.jpg
Image:nodaveU.jpg|HAL over 9000
Image:NOUORly.png
Image:Nousign.jpg
Image:No u crazyhands.jpg
Image:No u hands.jpg
Image:No u camel.jpg|No u, camel!
Image:No u partybitches.jpg|No u, party bitches!
Image:Nou kattan.jpg
Image:NO U Spicer.JPG
Image:No u wedding.jpg|No u...@wedding
Image:Nou pig.jpg|No u, pig
Image:Nou rofl.jpg|No u, rofl
Image:NO U- Mario.jpg|Game over
Image:NOUbj.jpg|"I'M small?! NO U!".
Image:No u loooong.jpg|[[Verbose|No u is sometimes very long]].
Image:Noevery1.jpg
Image:Sign NO U.jpg
Image:Nou nakie.jpg|No u vjj
Image:NO U turn sign with head.JPG
Image:NAY THEE.JPG
Image:NOU.jpg
Image:No u water.JPG
Image:NO U-KEN.JPG
Image:Colbert_says_"no_u".jpg
Image:No u reverse.jpg
Image:O U.jpg|The lesser known "O U"
Image:No u portal.jpg|NO U portal
Image:NAEU.jpg|[[Scottish]] NO U
File:Nou_breakdown.jpg|The breakdown.
Image:NOUWAS.jpg|[[WHEN I WAS|NO U WAS]]
Image:Nou dalai.JPG
Image:_____no u.png|NO U...[[YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG|doin it wrong?]]
Image:Riki-U.jpg|Even in [[Manga]], you can find NO U
Image:Elblaze nou.JPG|Even in [[Video games|vidya gaems]]!!
Image:Nein du.JPG|The [[Germany|German]] version of NO U
Image:NO U shoop da whoop.jpg
Image:GoofyTimenou.JPG|It's [[Goofy Time]]! NO U!
Image:NO_U_thread1.jpg|NO U combo.
File:Winatlifenou.png|Vegeta NO U!!
Image:Nay Thou.JPG|[[At least 100 years ago|At least 100 years olde]]...
File:Bayeaux NO V.jpg|[[At least 100 years ago|At least 100 years olde]]...[[Electric Boogaloo]]
Image:NO_U_RECYCLE!!!.JPG|Recycling
Image:other Gary NO U!.jpg|[[Gary Oak|The mother fucker himself knows about NO U]]
Image:Drsteelyou.jpg‎|[[Dr. Steel]] says: 'NO U!'
Image:NO TU.jpg|[[Mexican]] NO U
Image:Soulja fag.jpg
Image:Pau_Gasol.jpg|NO U Pau Gasol!
Image:Giraffe_nou.jpg
Image:No u bats.jpg
Image:Magic-NOU.jpg
Image:No u rick roll.png|NO U, [[Rick Roll|Rick Astley]]!
Image:NO-Udesu.jpg|[[DESU]]
Image:tomo no u.png
Image:no_sam.jpg
Image:Palpatine NO U.jpg
Image:no_u_xmas.jpg|XMAS HO U!
Image:NOU_becameMETAL.jpg
Image:Sergal_%2819%29-1-.jpg
Image:NO_U_FAILBOOK.png
Image:NEIN_DU1.jpg|German Edition
File:CopperCab NO U.jpg|[[CopperCab]]
Image:Steve_Jobs_Pointing.jpg
File: NoU.PNG
Image:Zelda - No You Listen.jpg|You Stupid Fucking Fairy
File:USship NO U.jpg|Typical American ship captain "NO U DIVERT YOUR COURSE"
File:FattygetsPWNED!.JPG
</gallery>}}

== See also ==

* [[Hypocrisy]]
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tu_quoque Wikipedia on NO U]
* [[Nazi|Cabral]], an evil airport security enforcer in terminal 1 at the [[San Francisco|SFO]] airport
* [[NotJustBikes]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

== External links ==

{{4chanarchive|39524703|NO U}}

{{oldweb}}
{{memes}}
{{language}}
{{Timeline|Featured article February 10, [[2009]]|[[Fail]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Last Thursday]]}}

[[Category:Logic]]

Suburbs

2026-01-17T15:18:58Z

Crow caw: /* Politics */

[[Image:Haus.png|thumb|Suburbs cause people to go to [[totse]].]]
The '''Suburbs''', also known as "suburbia" or "the burbs", is an assembly-line built housing community that one day [[your mom|everyone]] will live in. In the outskirts of cities suburbs sprawl rapidly like a spreading [[The cancer that is killing /b/|cancer]] on the landscape devouring [[vespene gas|resources]], farmland, and hope along the way. The suburban community consists of a specific ratio:

[[over 9000|Per 10,000]] [[George Carlin|identical houses, with identical soccer moms, who drive identical SUVs and have identical kids named Jason and Jenniferrrrr]], there are:
*15 [[Wal-Mart]]s
*20 [[Mall|Strip Malls]]
*30 [[Jew|Synagogues]]
*50 [[Holocaust|Gas]] stations
*200 [[Democrat|DNC]] offices
*[[At least 100]] 7-11 outlets
*[[300]] fast food restaurants
*[[Shit nobody cares about|And a partri~dge in a pear tre~e!]]

== Spoiled Shits ==
[[Image:Dishes.jpg|thumb|left|[[Bullshit|YO YO! I BE FROM DA GHETTO!! THUG LYFE!]]]]
All families from the suburbs are [[Jew|fairly rich folks]] and have at least two SUVs per child they have, as well as both parents who work. Suburbs create many problems starting with the children who are [[Asperger's Syndrome|spoiled beyond all belief]] with the [[Unlimited disposable income|massive amount of income]] [[theft|generated]] by both parents. Since the parents put their jobs and plans for that new Hummer that needs to fill the eighth empty garage spot first, the children are left at home with the T.V on to act as a babysitter. With the combination of watching such mindfucking garbage as [[MTV]] as well as having unmoderated access to the [[internets]], the kids will turn into some of the worst scum of society.

The boys will turn into dumbass [[wiggers]] who can't speak a word coherent English, and the girls will turn into slutty dressing [[prostatot|prostatots]] who pull all sorts of [[attention whoring|stupid shit]] (especially taking those dumb [[gay|car selfies]] in their luxury SUVs in shopping mall parking lots) thanks to sites like [[Livejournal]], [[MySpace]] and DeviantART. All this [[retard|violently stupid behavior]] [[Donald Trump|goes unpunished]] because [[Some argue|society now believes]] that wealthy people are above the law, so drugging them with Starbucks lattes for the soccer mums and Bud Light for the deadbeat dads is the more "humane" solution. Suburbs are only second to the [[Mudslime]] world in terms of inbreeding. There is no cure for that though and instead it is accepted as another [[liberal]] [[incest|alternative lifestyle]] based in the tenets [[hippies|peace and love]].
 

== Education ==
Suburban education is one of the most useless education systems in the world. Classes typically contain repetitive subject material, and tests are solely based on memorization as opposed to critical analysis. Everyone is expected to go to college, therefore creating useless diploma mills in subjects such as lesbian dance theory because who the fuck wants to spend their whole life working at McDonald's? Homework is assigned to mindlessly indoctrinate students, and the work is quickly forgotten.

Most universities have horrible cafeteria food and are extremely expensive. The classes are useless, as nothing that you learn is even close to what you experience in the real world (trust me on this). Most teachers/professors are know-it-alls who are focused on grades and prizes, as opposed to the enjoyment of new discoveries. Anyone that argues against the [[Soviet Union]] is automatically given a failing grade.

Thanks to mass hysteria over a made-up "[[high score]]" problem, even "safe" suburbs (safe meaning where the only crime is vehicular manslaughter of pedestrians by SUV drivers) have heavily armed militarised [[pigs]] running the schools like concentration camps and murdering the [[niggas]] and [[aspies]] with impunity over [[bullshit|terrible heinous crimes]] such as [[MIA|throwing paper airplanes.]]

==Politics==
Everyone in suburbia is either a limousine liberal or a cuckservative. The limousine liberals worship [[Hillary Clinton]] as being part of the democratic establishment, or they worship [[Bernie Sanders]] because they think Communism is the answer to everything. The cuckservatives are just superficial with their worship of [[Donald Trump]]. Both sides are equally racist, and also PC about it. They think anyone who isn't a white successful individual is a worthless loser in politics, AKA people that genuinely want to break the mold.

==Disconnect from Reality (Stupidity)==
Suburban people are the most ignorant, uneducated people in the world. Many talk about how other countries like [[France]] and [[Germany]] are vastly superior to America, not realizing that nothing works in France, not even the showers or toilets, and that Germany is more socially conservative. They claim that the [[Chinese]] are smarter and Americans are morons, not realizing that most suburban Asians represent 0.000000000001% of Asia.

A lot of them believe in racial equality, not considering that there are no black people in the suburbs. This is why many suburbanites proudly proclaim themselves to be "anti-racist" (TM), having never set foot in the inner city. As expected, the same suburbanites are hypocrites because [[retards|they believe sensationalist news media fear-mongering about a made-up crime problem]].

Additionally, they invent weird movements like [[San Francisco|NIMBYism]], which is really just a clever way of enforcing modern segregation to keep the [[negroes]] out and commit genocide against homeless people. Most suburbanites are terminally on social media where they lick the boots of [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].

== [[Divide by zero|Destruction of Society]] ==

Due to such long ways out of the communities and lack of proper transit everyone must have a car, making suburbs the biggest cause of traffic in cities, pollution, and SUV rollover fatalities. Another problem is everyone will eventually become fat and have [[diabeetus]] since everyone eats fast food. One day, estimated in a few years, society will come crashing down when the spoiled little [[fucktard|fucktards]] who lived on their [[Daddy's money lesbian|parents dime]] for all their lives, will have to get work to support themselves and their [[Juliana Wetmore|should-have-been-aborted]] [[Littlekuriboh|offspring]] when their parents [[Dead|die]]. <del>The parents were the last generation without the instant gratification of the internets which actually made them able to focus and gain their successful careers instead of ignoring schoolwork to [[shit nobody cares about|check the latest message they got on Facebook]]</del>[[DISREGARD THAT]]. They are a bunch of entitled white asshats whose careers are only successful because they jew'd the inheritance away from their siblings who have since joined the ranks of America's forgotten impoverished and unemployed.

Further damage will result from all the CO2 emissions from SUVs causing [[Al Gore|global warming]] to melt the ice caps and flood the Earth. With these waters combining with trillion tons of garbage created by fast food outlets; the streets will flow with filth and cause global [[AIDS]]. We can only hope the [[China|Chinks]] nuke all the suburbs before that can happen.

And nothing of value will be lost.

== See Also ==
* [[Colorado]] - scientists have estimated that by the year 2028 that the entire state will essentially become a Denver suburb, courtesy of the evil Jason Spelts.
* [[Columbine]]
* [[Hell]] (See: [[Arizona|Phoenix]] suburbs)
* [[White People]]
* [[NORP|NORPs]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]
* [[NotJustBikes]]
* [[Florida]]

{{life}}
{{Columbine}}

[[Category:Locations]][[Category:IRL Shit]][[Category:Fandom Stuff]]

Faux News

2026-01-17T15:17:08Z

Crow caw: /* Examples of Fox News Logic */

:''Not to be confused with [[Fake News]]''
[[File:propaganda_foxnews.jpg|thumb|The Official News Channel of the Homeland]]
[[File:SheepleUSA.jpg|thumb|A typical [[retard|Fox News viewer]].]]
[[File:B-ill_orly.jpg|thumb|[[Billo The Clown]] lurking on /[[b]]/.]]
[[File:Fox_News_experiencing_fail.JPG|thumb|Typical Faux News broadcast.]]
[[File:CAMWHORE.jpg|thumb|Megyn Kelly, Camwhore?]]
[[File:Faux_news_geography_fail1.PNG|thumb|Fox News fails geography]]

{{quote|The most powerful people on the Internet don't work for Microsoft, Google or the government. Rather, they're a bunch of antisocial, foul-mouthed, clever nerds who congregate at a [[facepalm|largely unknown]] Web site called 4chan.org.|Faux News, about [[4chan]], 3,51[http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/04/08/4chan-rude-raunchy-underbelly-internet/ srsly].}}

'''Faux News''' (also known as '''Fox Noise''', ''' Goebbels Nazi Propaganda''', '''Fox Snooze''', '''Fascist Obnoxious Xenophobes''', '''Fixed News''', '''Cocks News''', '''Fox [[Jew]]s''', '''[[Republican|GOP]] TV''', '''PraAAAISE DE [[Satan|LAwd]]''', '''[[W|Our Leader]]'s Glorious Official Republican Government News Network''' variations of these names or, by its [[gullible|cult]] [[Christian|worshipers]], '''Fox News''') is a comedy network for [[gullible]] [[Retards|Republicans]], [[white trash]], slutty blonde [[bitches]], [[Randal O'Toole]], [[Trump]] worshippers, [[liberals]] who want material for their next social media rant, retired people, soldiers, and [[13-year-old boys]]. Countless blogs and political commentary websites erupt into debate over the latest musings of that [[shemale]] [[Ann Coulter]]. It is now popularly known that [[MSNBC]] is now the primary source for [[furries|Furfags]], seeing that Faux nooz is filled with right wing [[ass-hats]] that oppress sexual tendencies and thoughts that they have (despite stacking panels full of sexy blonde chicks) and express [[uber]] uselessness over it. Not surprisingly, these reporters all believe the myth that "crime is out of control!" and lick the boots of [[pigs]].

It is rumored that the new logo of Fox News will be a triptych of the Virgin Mary jizzing in a glass of Miller Lite while shoving a potato up her cunt. Of course she will be blonde like the Fox girls.

[[Christianhillbilly]] gets his [[facts]] from Fox News ([[moar]] liek Fox JEWs, [[amirite]]?). [[Some argue]] that [[Rupert Murdoch]] is in fact Jew (and everyone acknowledges that he serves Zionist interests), and [[Jews did WTC|did WTC]] to generate [[Lulz|lulzy]] footage for his news empire to replay [[over 9000]] times in any given week. [[terrorists|Foreigners]] and [[Noam Chomsky]] hate Fox News because Fox covers [[liberals]] and [[terrorists]] getting [[raped]] by real men with guns and sexy blonde chicks. [[some argue|Supporters of Fox argue]] that the network simply reports the rape, and allows its viewers to decide if the victims were [[asking for it]].

Faux News has been [[Science|scientifically proven]] to increase viewer stupidity.

==Typical Fox Reporters, Propaganda Contributors==
<center><youtube>srHpjDL6-ZM</youtube></center>
*Shepard Smith, [[IRL]] self-hating''' semi-closeted homosexual'''

*Greta Van Susteren, [[Scientologist]]. [[I see what you did there|Un'''clear''']] if Greta knows about [[Xenu]] or the Wall of Fire.

*Oliver North, war criminal and a member of the US military. But I repeat myself.

*[[Sean Hannity]]: Irish fuckface who invented the Paddy wagon move (Forcing a 5-year old boy to sing "Danny Boy" while fisting his ass into a greenish mush) see friendship between Hannity and well-known New Jersey white supremacist radio host [[Hal Turner]] [http://archive.fo/3ctk]

*[[Phil Shuman]][http://archive.fo/YFpu7]: Thinks raiding Habbo Hotel and spoiling Harry Potter constitutes an [[Internet Hate Machine]]

*<s>[[Bill O'Reilly]], loves to [[fuck]] his co-workers while telling them to "shut up ..or put up" Also a douche. Has recently become an accessory to [[Abortion|murder]].</s> [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/bill-o-reilly-reportedly-out-fox-news-n748236 LOL NOPE!]

*[[Sarah Palin]]: Hired solely for the [[lulz]]. And the [[tits]]. Mostly the [[tits]].

*<s>[[Glenn Beck]] a rapist/murderer back in 1990, openly calls 4chan a leftist pedophile network and linked 4chan to Obama on his paranoid chalk board theories. Also known as the lead singer of the hair-metal band "Glönn Böck."</s> LOL [http://archive.fo/XgpFb FIRED]

*<s>[[Rachel Marsden]]</s> LOL FIRED

*[[Michelle Malkin]], the hot-air anchor baby self-hating pigcunt [[Philippines|Asian]]

*[[Ann Coulter]], You can't call her a cunt, cause she has a dick. Frustrating.

*[[Goronchev]]

*HOLY SHIT! They hired [[Karl Rove]]. No, [[srsly]].

*[[Dead|Alan Colmes]], token liberal and [[Jew]]

*[[Spic|Geraldo Rivera]]

*[[NotJustBikes|Tucker Carlson]]

*some random blonde bitch

==Examples of Fox News Logic==
[[File:Mooniteexpert.jpg|thumb|Is that a bomb strapped to his chest?]]
[[File:Domesticterrorism.jpg|thumb|Fox has strange [[gay|bed-fellows]].]]
[[File:Foxnewscospiracttheoristsdemo.jpg|thumb|[[uncyclopedia|Oh lawls we're clever.]]]]
[[File:Foxsex1.jpg|frame|none|Not shooped. Srsly.]]
* [[Trump]] is literally Jesus Christ.
* [[Lie|Crime is out of control!]] Proof? A few fake fabricated personal anecdotes on social media.
* [[Pigs]] are sacred and can do no wrong, not even [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].
* [[California]] is literally [[North Korea]], while [[Florida]] is the sacred cow.
* [[Anonymous]] is a gang of [[hackers on steroids]]: internet terrorists, convening within a [[4chan|top-secret site]] in order to more effectively [[exploding Van|blow up yellow vans]]. You must [[buy a dog]], close your curtains and install phone tracing and a new security system to prevent this.
* [[Heath Ledger]] committed suicide because he either watched the South Carolina Debates, was depressed about the drop in the stock market, or was just "weird."[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/01/23/gibson-mocks-ledger/]
* [[ATHF Terrorist Attack|AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE]] IS TERRORISM! [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,249110,00.html]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] is not racist, nor biased; but rather, hilarious!? (correction: Fox Inc. worst mistake).
*[[Osama Bin Laden]] did [[WTC]], NOT [[JEWS DID WTC|Jews]]. (This aside, Osama is actually a Jew too [[LOL]])
*[[Fred Phelps]] is an evil man, yet [[gays]] are sub-human creatures that must be lynched.
*[[Nintendo DS]] is used by child molesters who lure children into their picto-chat sessions while driving, to rape them.
*[[PSP]] is high powered computer that gets porn out of thin air, and is used in school!11
*Fox News attempted humor with [[The Half Hour News Hour]] and [[fail]]ed.
*Public transit is [[communism]] and full of criminal [[niggers]], but car accident deaths are a sign of Murican prosperity and freedumb that we must accept.
*If you are an American Presidential Candidate, and you want to prove your patriotism by not wearing an American flag pin, you are a terrorist.
*Mass Effect has full nudity, graphic [[pr0n]] and deserves an AO rating, because the woman who didn't play the game [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0kdm7fg804 believes it]. Also, there are chainsaws in GTA IV takes 200+ hours to complete, because the man who didn't play the game said so.
*Making fists with your fellow black person and putting them together is considered a TERRORIST FIST JAB and is a bigger threat to America than [[B|cancer]] and [[diabeetus]] combined.
*Climate change is a hoax made up by the Chinese to take away [[Randal O'Toole|muh freedumb!]]
*Raping sexy blonde girls is ok when a straight white man does it.
*Take your kids to [[Hooters]] or Twin Peaks, but never a [[tranny|drag show]]
*The [[Newgrounds]] Torture Game 2 is disgusting, Melissa, and will make kids immune to physical pain and go kill anyone they want.
*[[Happy Mexican Lady Without Context|Post a photo without context]]; leave readers to figure that one out on their own.

==Fox News versus Anonymous==

''See [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] and [[The Incident]].''

== Sean Hannity vs Robert Gibbs ==
<center><youtube>Zgn6rjGbp0c</youtube></center>

{{quote| [[No u]]! Let's change the subject. [[No u]]!}}
If this is the best we can throw at them, then it's clear why these pricks prevail.

== Fox [[Fail|tries]] to shield Sarah Palin from booing crowd ==
[[Sarah Palin]]'s latest political stunt was to reinforce her "hockey mom" image by [[shit nobody cares about|dropping the first puck at a hockey game in Philadelphia]]. Anticipating bad press from the get go, Faux News website released the following statement:

{{quote| The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her [[loli|seven year old daughter]], Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, "How dare they boo Piper!" | Sarah Palin, [[Bullshit|showing just how good a mother she is]]}}

The plan [[doing it wrong|backfired]], and the boos were so loud the stadium [[failed|tried]] to drown it out by turning up the music. That did little however to distract from the [[lulz|numerous thumbs-down gestures and Obama/Biden signs in the audience]]. And when the time came, Palin didn't even drop the puck herself.
<center><youtube>gd4wQd_gbj8</youtube></center>
Faux News for their part tried to polish this turd by splicing together overhead footage that cut out the audience and using crappy audio that drowned out most of the booing.

==Fox News: Saving the World One Vidya at a Time==
[[File:Full frontal mass effect.jpg|thumb|300px|HELP! I'M BEING DESENSITIZED! ALL WOMEN ARE OBJECTS OF DESIRE, AND I DESIRE SEX FROM THEM! MY DEVELOPING MIND CANNOT HANDLE THE MATURE SITUATIONS IN THIS GAME! WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I?! HALP ME FAUX NEWS! SAVE ME FROM A NEVER ENDING SPIRAL OF NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!]]

The biggest threat to a god-fearing, fag-hating nation, aside from terrorists, liberals, liberal-terrorists, and George Soros, is the vidya. [[Jack Thompson]] is a prime candidate when it comes to providing completely unreliable "research" that the reason your little boy raped a girl, stole a car, and murdered a number of people is not due to bad parenting, but because of a video game where he repeatedly pressed the X button. But we're not talking about any hack-lawyer who needs to be put into a retirement home this time, we're talking about a hack-psychiatrist named [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKzF173GqTU Cooper Lawrence]. Dr. Lawrence (not a real doctor, but a doctor in the same way that Dr Pepper or Dr Dre are doctors) appeared on Fox News to discuss the psychological harm that can be induced by the popular vidya "Mass Effect". Surely, they're going to discuss the harmful xenophobic effects of fighting a universally evil alien race, right? Of creating lines between 'us' and 'them' based on appearance rather than values and actions? Fuck that hippie bullshit. Faux News is going to discuss the three minutes of [[awesome|DIGITAL, FULL FRONTAL, TOTALLY EXPLICIT, FILTHY, UNNATURAL, MIND-CORRUPTING NUDITY!]] Seriously, they compared the Xbox 360 (at the time with a lower survival rate than a black man at a Klan-Nazi pancake breakfast) to Pandora's Box ([[Television|the box that unleashed corrupting evil to humanity]]). Cooper gave her two cents about "all the research" and how teenagers with their Play-Dough minds see women as objects of desire. Amazingly, the smartest person there was from Spike TV, Geoff Keighley, who not only got Cooper to say that she never actually played Mass Effect, but that there was only a bit of alien side-boob, AND that you actually needed to build a relationship before there's even a chance to get any tail, while Cooper seemed adamant that every female encounter in the game included a 'Press X to Rape' command option. [[Epic Win|And thus it was proven that a well-known news station can be ousted intellectually by a channel dedicated to James Bond marathons, softcore porn-based comedy, and UFC.]] As Keighley tried to explain that nothing being said was true about the content of the game, and it was all blatant lies and bullshit, Faux News decided to cut off the liberal-fag-loving-terrorist, and went back to raging about children playing porn games. And then when they had their little moralistic circle-jerk about how awful it is, they all acted as if Geoff hadn't spoken at all.

Normally this kind of bullshit ends as a never-ending nerd rage on YouTube, but a few days later, Cooper Lawrence got her just desserts on Amazon.com. Gamers calling Cooper on her bullshit flocked to wherever a review of her latest book "''[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/dp/1599211793 The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever]''" could be deposited, and proceeded to ruin her reputation as a person with any amount of intelligence. Honestly, would you want to buy a self-help book from a person who makes arguments without research? Or take advice from someone stupid enough to insult an interest of the interwebs (video games) and imply the evil of another (porn), then try and market her book immediately thereafter? It's like murdering someone in front of their family, then giving them a business card that has your name, address, and closest friends and treasured valuables listed in case you want to exact revenge while expecting them to send you gift baskets that *don't* include explosives.
[[File:Cooper lawrence.png|thumb|Wipe that smug sense of self-satisfaction off her face with calling out her bullshit]]

{{quote|Excuse me "Darling", I guess I don’t have to read your book to bash it the same way you don’t have to play or even research a game you are talking about before you go on Fox News and spout your ignorance as fact. You are a moron and an attention whore.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|This woman has no business spreading any kind of media. She bases her theories on conjecture and nonsensical hearsay instead of fact. What she said about Mass Effect on FOX was an utter disgrace and I implore anybody who is considering buying her book to steer well clear. She is merely an opportunistic faker who will spout on about any topic, regardless of her knowledge on the subject.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|I am giving Ms. Lawrence a poor review because she makes assumptions that are not based on fact. During her Fox news report, she blatantly lied and completely misinformed the public. This is not acceptable behavior, and how does she expect me to read her book and believe what she has to say?|Anonymous Reviewer}}

Amazon has since taken off all the reviews that stated they hadn't read the book. But, it turns out the book's crappy enough, even without [[nerd rage]], and over 100 people still give it a 1/5 rating, while four people were paid enough to give it a 5/5 rating.[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/product-reviews/1599211793/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending Sample here.]
===[[EA]] UNLEASHES THE FURY===

After the interview [[EA|Electronic Arts]] executives called out Fox News's [[bullshit]] debate with an [[ALL CAPS]] letter debunking the lies that where [[shit|spoken]]. Basically the letter defended the hundred of [[nerd]]s who put in [[last Thursday|years]] to make this {{Archive|i6bR|game}}.

{{quote|The resulting coverage was insulting to the men and women who spent years creating a game which is acclaimed by critics for its high creative standards. As video games continue to take audiences away from television, we expect to see more TV news stories warning parents about the corrupting influence of interactive entertainment. But this represents a new level of recklessness.
Do you watch the Fox Network? Do you watch Family Guy? Have you ever seen The OC? Do you think the sexual situations in Mass Effect are any more graphic than scenes routinely aired on those shows? Do you honestly believe that young people have more exposure to Mass Effect than to those prime time shows?

[[serious business|This isn't a legal threat; it's an appeal to your sense of fairness. We're asking FNC to correct the record on Mass Effect.]]|Jeff Brown, VP of EA}}

Result: EA does [[EPIC]] [[PWNAGE]] on Fox and is, for the first and last time in the history of the world, the good guy.

===Update: The [[Cunt]] Apologizes===

So after receiving a lot of [[shit|flak]] from all corners of the [[nerd|gaming world]] and from having much [[butthurt]] on [[porn|amazon]], the [[cunt]] actually decides to watch someone else play the game for two and a half hours. She then realizes that she's fucking retarded, because [[you|who could get off watching an alien bone a human?]][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/26/arts/television/26mass.html] [http://www.destructoid.com/fox-psychologist-admits-she-was-wrong-check-the-skies-for-flying-pigs-66917.phtml]

{{quote|I recognize that I misspoke. I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke. Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography. But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of Lost that are more sexually explicit.|Cooper 'Pretentious Cunt' Lawrence, still managing to be insulting during her apology. An exemplar of the Faux Way.}}

Despite apologizing to the [[gaming]] community for all of the bullshit accusations, the [[rape]] over her book on amazon shall continue to prove a lesson to the people at faux news and anyone who goes on who makes any false accusations and promoting a book at the same time, will feel the [[shit nobody cares about|wrath of the gaming community]].

==Intertubes H4x0r3d==
On July 22, 2007, an illiterate 5th-grader found the [[Ted Stevens|intertubes]] root password by guessing where it was saved: On the Fox News website. Here's what he saw when he signed in:

{| border=0 cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0
|[[File:kennyg_cheadle.jpg|thumb|Surprise Buttsecks!|none]] || [[File:Family1type.jpg|thumb|Fox News Makes You Stupid|none]] || [[File:Swimming_sluts.jpg|thumb|Breaking News|none]] || [[File:FoxNewsHeadUpAss.jpg|thumb|Fox News is the one on the left|none]]
|-
|}

[http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2950150 Fox News leaves their root images directory open for perusal.]

==Faux News Shoops Photos==
[[File:Fox news shoops liberals.jpg|thumb|[[This looks shooped]]...]]
On July 2, 2008, everyone's favorite propaganda hate machine ran a segment calling ''New York Times'' editor and reporter Steven Reddicliffe and Jacques Steinberg "attack dogs," because they mentioned that [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/28/arts/television/28rati.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Fox News' ratings were slipping], probably because people don't want to be fed bullshit during the presidential elections. Fox thought this statistical data was an attack on their [[lol|fair and balanced]] news coverage, so they counter-attacked the ''New York Times'' by having a circle-jerk about how Reddicliffe was fired from Fox, makes less money now working for the ''New York Times'', and wrote the report because he hates Fox, and additionally, Fox [http://mediamatters.org/items/200807020002 posted altered photos of the two reporters] to give them Jew noses, yellow teeth, receding hairlines, and darkened circles around their eyes. So, your average Jew.

==Taking on Fark==
On August 17, 2007, Fox News attempted to [[hacker|h4x0r]] [[Fark]] and steal their internets. {{Archive|Imqq7}} However, since Fox's crack team of internet counter-hate machines is made up of people who regularly get pwned by [[script kiddies]], they got absolutely nowhere and failed so hard that Rupert Murdoch crapped lazers.

==More Valuable Information To Come From Fox News==
{{center|{{fv|vg1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>MHEXzlNHC8Q</youtube>
'''Statistical Analysis of Fox's broadcasts uncover that it is actually a Porn Channel not a News Channel'''
|<youtube>0xvGbc3hQd0</youtube>
'''Fox is so considerate.'''
|<youtube>H0kdm7fg804</youtube>
'''Fox [[Lol-cow]]s "discuss"ing Mass Effect'''
|<youtube>8zB4ItYcX4I</youtube>
'''''[[Jism]]'' - the new name for [[milk]]'''
|<youtube>MzV8wrnLfS4</youtube>
'''Shepard Smith, host of his own show reminds Jennifer Lopez about what people in the Bronx really want'''
|<youtube>FpVuF0_AJjQ</youtube>
'''How Fox News anchors establish credentials'''}}}}

== Still "Fair and Balanced" ==
Proving they're still a [[fucktarded|well informed]] [[no|news organization]], the Fox 11 report on January 31st, 2008, aimed at "cyber-bullying," included more [[fucktarded|top notch]] news reporting about the [[Goatse|dangers of the internet]]. Most of the examples are retarded idiots who can't deal with anyone pointing out the truth of how much of a fag they really are, who then make up shit and go to Faux news for a chance at popularity. Don't miss the surprise cameo from [[YouTube]]'s biggest crybaby [[Goronchev]].

<center><youtube>Ai09cWlyPrQ</youtube> 

[[File:Smugcapmaybe.JPG|[[Intellectual Checkmate|He]] was there the entire time.]] 
In this screencap, [[Goronchev]] BAAAWWs about ZOMG SO MEAN Anonymous. 

<youtube>lptVAbw5oos</youtube> 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lptVAbw5oos#t=01m006s Jump to the good stuff]</center>

==Keep Fucking that Chicken==
[[File:DariAlexander.png|right|thumb|[[LOLWUT]]?]]
[[File:Kfcchikkins.gif|right|thumb|Anastos on the job]]
This phrase was coined by Faux News anchor '''Ernie Anastos''' during a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keep%20fucking%20that%20chicken&defid=4242406 live broadcast] of the [[New York]] local news.
{{tinyquote|It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick. '''Keep fucking that chicken'''.}}
<center>{{frame|{{fv|Fuckin||font-weight: bold;|<youtube>X7XbukdoGmM</youtube>|<youtube>yExhzotEu4s</youtube>|<youtube>vQTd0t-Pxck</youtube>}}}}</center>

The quote was an obvious rip-off of [[chikins]] producer [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Perdue Frank Perdue's] original catchphrase, ''"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken"'', which went [[Fail|badly wrong]] when Anastos tried to use it. The original Perdue campaign also generated unintentional [[lulz]] when the [[Mexico|Mexican]] translation of their catchphrase ended up telling people, ''"It takes a hard man to get your '[[cock|chicken]]' aroused"'' ("polla" meaning 'dick' in Spanish). It's pretty obvious that Anastos meant this version.

At least now we know what [[KFC]] stands for.

==Fox News vs Sesame Street==
{{quote|From now on I am watching Pox News. Now ''there's'' a trashy news show.|Muppet}}

<center><youtube>gBGG9TcBZOA</youtube></center> 

In November, 2009, [[Sesame Street]] included [http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/11/05/fox-news-v-sesame-street-beck-oreilly-fans-angry-over-oscar/ an old skit] where [[ODB|Oscar the Grouch]] gets into an argument over his liberal news show resulting in a caller telling him she's switching to watching '''Pox News'''. This -naturally- caused immediate butthurt at the official [[propaganda|'news' channel]] of the Republican Party prompting [[gay|Papa Bear]] O'Reilly to return fire at Sesame Street.

<center><youtube>jzg24i1lagU</youtube></center> 

Other butthurt conservatives in the blogosphere were [https://web.archive.org/web/20091107223320/http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/sright/2009/11/03/l-is-for-leftist-thats-good-enough-for-me/ not so kind].

{{tinyquote|PBS — a network partially funded with my tax dollars — has the right to tell my kids that their parents watch “trashy” news? The message is clear, I can’t even sit my kids in front of “Sesame Street” without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority.|Butthurt blogger}}

{{tinyquote|I first saw that episode last year and couldn't believe what I was hearing. We're watching [[Disney]] more now, but I have to monitor to make sure [[Mind control|I explain things to my daughter when it does get left leaning.]]|Butthurt conservative.}}

==Fox now approves of CP?==

<center><youtube>G5288Nj4Rkg</youtube></center> 

<s>You watch that? Good. Now watch it again and pause at 1:39.</s> '''BALEETED''' Thats right. tittay. 10 year old tittay. Fox news has once again been hypocritical. *big surprise* At the moment /b/ is rampaging, and has started a war against fox. Again. The war has been dubbed Operation PEDOFOX, and many a /b/tard have been sending in reports to various other news networks and even the FCC.

==[[ALL CAPS|BREAKING NEWS!]] [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] PWN FAUX NEWS TWITTER!==

On July 4 (lol), 2011, a group of l33t h@xxorz called the [[Script Kiddies]] ([http://archive.fo/ebEXK no, rly!]) [[Retarded|decided it would be a great idea]] to [[hack]] into the [[Oxymoron|Faux News Politics]] [[Twitter]], which is apparently shown on Faux, and tweet that [[President Obama]] had been pwned by [[Jews]] in Iowa.

Faux [[Bill O'Reilly|denizens]] pretended that they hadn't creamed themselves over the prospect of [[black Jesus]] getting IRL permb& by calling the attack "[[Awesome|malicious]]" and "[[For Great Justice|false]]". Meanwhile, all of the [[13-year-old-boys]] responsible for the attack watch fearfully from their bedroom windows for the [[Party Van]], before it inevitably shows up to drag them away.

==War with [[Donald Trump|Trump]]==

{{quote|I think the big problem this country has is being ''Politically Correct''.|[[Donald Trump]] says what needs to be said to [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]]}}

On August 6, 2015, during the GOP debate, [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]] asked [[God|Donald Trump]] about his past insults towards [[women]] in which he replied "Only [[Rosie O'Donnell]]". After that he talks about how he doesn't have time to be [[Politically Correct|PC]]. Later in the debate, she asked him about his [[Liberal]] past (since she is unaware that people can evolve on topics).

Later on, [[Bitch|Kelly]] went after [[The Donald]] on her show, while Trump retaliated via [[Twitter]] causing an ongoing fight between the two. At one point, [[Autism|Roger Ailes]] demanded that Trump apologizes to Kelly. However, he refused to apologize because he is known for not apologizing.

On September 23, [[Donald Trump]] said he would not be on Faux Jews for the forseeable future.[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/646716373473853442]

==Gallery==
{{cg|Gallery|fox|center|<gallery>
File:Faux-News-poster.gif
File:Foxnewsbrainwash.jpg|Fox News brainwashing
File:Internet_hate_machine.JPG|Fox shows its true colors.
File:Foxjewschannel.gif|Video proof of the Fox Jews Channel.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Fuxnews.jpg|ITS A CONSPIRACY!!1!111!
File:Foximpactsmaller.jpg|A typical Fox News web page.
File:Hannitysucksass.jpg|[[True]]
File:Nazifoxnews.jpg|A new Fox News logo being considered.
File:Haetmachine.jpg|[[TOW]] on [[Fox|FAUX]]: What, me fearmonger?
File:ThankYouFoxNews.jpg|Meanwhile, in [[America]]...
File:Fox_News_-_Gun_Violence.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_In_The_60s.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_Obama_Lie.jpg
File:Greta van susteren.jpg| Hail Xenu
File:FoxNews What.jpg
File:Megyn kelly3.jpg
File:Greata1.jpg
File:FOX.gif
File:LalxOrily.jpg
File:Faux news geography fail.jpg
File:Foxnews.jpg
File:FauxNewsObamaBiden.jpg
File:Geraldo Cares.jpg
</gallery>|}}

== Contact information for lulz ==
* Fox’s main number 888-369-4762.
* Kathy Ardleigh, Sen. Politics Producer o Phone: 212-301-3186
* Thom Bird, Fox News Sen. Producer o Phone: 212-301-3250
* Ian Rae, Exec. VP News o Phone: 212-301-8552
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* Brian Lewis, Executive Vice President of Corporate Communications o Phone: 212-301-3331
* Irena Briganti, Vice President of Media Relations o Phone: 212-301-3608
* Brian Knoblock, International Editor o Phone: 212-301-5486
* Kim Schiller Hume, Wash DC Bureau Chief o Phone: 202-824-6389
* Ken LaCorte, Los Angeles Bureau Chief o Phone: 310-571-2000
* Justin Schmidt, Chicago Bureau Chief o Phone: 312-494-0428
* Brit Hume, Managing Editor o Phone: 202-824-6470
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711
* Bill O’Reilly, O’Reilly Factor Host o Phone: 212-301-3320
* Jane Skinner, News Anchor o Phone: 212-301-5023
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711

== External Links ==
*[http://foxnewscomments.com/ Fair and balanced audience]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBN-qhRdfI0 Beware: The Emo Scene!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnOVcRVO2g FOX 11, news everyone wants.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PLOFnEUTpY FOX LAWL]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTA-A3esI4 NICE ONE FOX]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orpgUPNSRPI Nintendo DS: Harmless Fun or sauce of Pedophilia]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l7ng-U_fks wut? orly]
*<s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS010ek9S_8 Fox News does a report on Tay Zonday]</s> (BALEETED!)
*[http://www.foxattacks.com/ Fox Attacks]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swLExEmedtw An In-Depth Analysis of the Fox Network]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVOJYYwMaA An Impartial Look At Fox News]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1c0pHLkj3A OH LAWDS]
*[http://nypost.com/2015/01/26/man-shot-outside-news-corp-building-in-nyc/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow It is a well known fact that Fox News can, in fact, cause someone to An Hero, lol]

==See Also==
*[[Batshit_Insane|Batshit Insane]]
*[[Cooper Lawrence]]
*[[Conservative]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Ian Schwartz]]
*[[Masud Ali]]
*[[Nazi]]
*[[Republican]]
*[[Retardation]]
*[[Russia Today]]- trendy russkie propaganda network
*[[The Onion]]
*[[Time Magazine]]
*[[Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] - An [[unfunny]], [[homophobic]] version of ''[[The Daily Show]]''.
*[[TMZ]]

{{FoxNews}}
{{politics}}
{{truth}}
{{chans}}
{{trolls}}
{{Business}}
{{epic}}
{{top16}}
{{Television}}
{{FakeNews}}
{{Timeline|Featured article July 28, [[2007]]|[[Tay Zonday]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Ron Mexico]]}}
{{Timeline|Article of the Nao May 12, [[2011]]|[[Anonymous]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Operation Payback]]}}
{{timeline|AOTN July 18 and 19, 2012|[[Penis Pump]]|[[Faux News]]|[[loldongs]]}}
[[Category:2007]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Chans]]

Faux News

2026-01-17T15:16:05Z

Crow caw: /* Examples of Fox News Logic */

:''Not to be confused with [[Fake News]]''
[[File:propaganda_foxnews.jpg|thumb|The Official News Channel of the Homeland]]
[[File:SheepleUSA.jpg|thumb|A typical [[retard|Fox News viewer]].]]
[[File:B-ill_orly.jpg|thumb|[[Billo The Clown]] lurking on /[[b]]/.]]
[[File:Fox_News_experiencing_fail.JPG|thumb|Typical Faux News broadcast.]]
[[File:CAMWHORE.jpg|thumb|Megyn Kelly, Camwhore?]]
[[File:Faux_news_geography_fail1.PNG|thumb|Fox News fails geography]]

{{quote|The most powerful people on the Internet don't work for Microsoft, Google or the government. Rather, they're a bunch of antisocial, foul-mouthed, clever nerds who congregate at a [[facepalm|largely unknown]] Web site called 4chan.org.|Faux News, about [[4chan]], 3,51[http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/04/08/4chan-rude-raunchy-underbelly-internet/ srsly].}}

'''Faux News''' (also known as '''Fox Noise''', ''' Goebbels Nazi Propaganda''', '''Fox Snooze''', '''Fascist Obnoxious Xenophobes''', '''Fixed News''', '''Cocks News''', '''Fox [[Jew]]s''', '''[[Republican|GOP]] TV''', '''PraAAAISE DE [[Satan|LAwd]]''', '''[[W|Our Leader]]'s Glorious Official Republican Government News Network''' variations of these names or, by its [[gullible|cult]] [[Christian|worshipers]], '''Fox News''') is a comedy network for [[gullible]] [[Retards|Republicans]], [[white trash]], slutty blonde [[bitches]], [[Randal O'Toole]], [[Trump]] worshippers, [[liberals]] who want material for their next social media rant, retired people, soldiers, and [[13-year-old boys]]. Countless blogs and political commentary websites erupt into debate over the latest musings of that [[shemale]] [[Ann Coulter]]. It is now popularly known that [[MSNBC]] is now the primary source for [[furries|Furfags]], seeing that Faux nooz is filled with right wing [[ass-hats]] that oppress sexual tendencies and thoughts that they have (despite stacking panels full of sexy blonde chicks) and express [[uber]] uselessness over it. Not surprisingly, these reporters all believe the myth that "crime is out of control!" and lick the boots of [[pigs]].

It is rumored that the new logo of Fox News will be a triptych of the Virgin Mary jizzing in a glass of Miller Lite while shoving a potato up her cunt. Of course she will be blonde like the Fox girls.

[[Christianhillbilly]] gets his [[facts]] from Fox News ([[moar]] liek Fox JEWs, [[amirite]]?). [[Some argue]] that [[Rupert Murdoch]] is in fact Jew (and everyone acknowledges that he serves Zionist interests), and [[Jews did WTC|did WTC]] to generate [[Lulz|lulzy]] footage for his news empire to replay [[over 9000]] times in any given week. [[terrorists|Foreigners]] and [[Noam Chomsky]] hate Fox News because Fox covers [[liberals]] and [[terrorists]] getting [[raped]] by real men with guns and sexy blonde chicks. [[some argue|Supporters of Fox argue]] that the network simply reports the rape, and allows its viewers to decide if the victims were [[asking for it]].

Faux News has been [[Science|scientifically proven]] to increase viewer stupidity.

==Typical Fox Reporters, Propaganda Contributors==
<center><youtube>srHpjDL6-ZM</youtube></center>
*Shepard Smith, [[IRL]] self-hating''' semi-closeted homosexual'''

*Greta Van Susteren, [[Scientologist]]. [[I see what you did there|Un'''clear''']] if Greta knows about [[Xenu]] or the Wall of Fire.

*Oliver North, war criminal and a member of the US military. But I repeat myself.

*[[Sean Hannity]]: Irish fuckface who invented the Paddy wagon move (Forcing a 5-year old boy to sing "Danny Boy" while fisting his ass into a greenish mush) see friendship between Hannity and well-known New Jersey white supremacist radio host [[Hal Turner]] [http://archive.fo/3ctk]

*[[Phil Shuman]][http://archive.fo/YFpu7]: Thinks raiding Habbo Hotel and spoiling Harry Potter constitutes an [[Internet Hate Machine]]

*<s>[[Bill O'Reilly]], loves to [[fuck]] his co-workers while telling them to "shut up ..or put up" Also a douche. Has recently become an accessory to [[Abortion|murder]].</s> [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/bill-o-reilly-reportedly-out-fox-news-n748236 LOL NOPE!]

*[[Sarah Palin]]: Hired solely for the [[lulz]]. And the [[tits]]. Mostly the [[tits]].

*<s>[[Glenn Beck]] a rapist/murderer back in 1990, openly calls 4chan a leftist pedophile network and linked 4chan to Obama on his paranoid chalk board theories. Also known as the lead singer of the hair-metal band "Glönn Böck."</s> LOL [http://archive.fo/XgpFb FIRED]

*<s>[[Rachel Marsden]]</s> LOL FIRED

*[[Michelle Malkin]], the hot-air anchor baby self-hating pigcunt [[Philippines|Asian]]

*[[Ann Coulter]], You can't call her a cunt, cause she has a dick. Frustrating.

*[[Goronchev]]

*HOLY SHIT! They hired [[Karl Rove]]. No, [[srsly]].

*[[Dead|Alan Colmes]], token liberal and [[Jew]]

*[[Spic|Geraldo Rivera]]

*[[NotJustBikes|Tucker Carlson]]

*some random blonde bitch

==Examples of Fox News Logic==
[[File:Mooniteexpert.jpg|thumb|Is that a bomb strapped to his chest?]]
[[File:Domesticterrorism.jpg|thumb|Fox has strange [[gay|bed-fellows]].]]
[[File:Foxnewscospiracttheoristsdemo.jpg|thumb|[[uncyclopedia|Oh lawls we're clever.]]]]
[[File:Foxsex1.jpg|frame|none|Not shooped. Srsly.]]
* [[Trump]] is literally Jesus Christ.
* [[Lie|Crime is out of control!]] Proof? A few fake fabricated personal anecdotes on social media.
* [[Pigs]] are sacred and can do no wrong, not even [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].
* [[California]] is literally [[North Korea]], while [[Florida]] is the sacred cow.
* [[Anonymous]] is a gang of [[hackers on steroids]]: internet terrorists, convening within a [[4chan|top-secret site]] in order to more effectively [[exploding Van|blow up yellow vans]]. You must [[buy a dog]], close your curtains and install phone tracing and a new security system to prevent this.
* [[Heath Ledger]] committed suicide because he either watched the South Carolina Debates, was depressed about the drop in the stock market, or was just "weird."[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/01/23/gibson-mocks-ledger/]
* [[ATHF Terrorist Attack|AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE]] IS TERRORISM! [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,249110,00.html]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] is not racist, nor biased; but rather, hilarious!? (correction: Fox Inc. worst mistake).
*[[Osama Bin Laden]] did [[WTC]], NOT [[JEWS DID WTC|Jews]]. (This aside, Osama is actually a Jew too [[LOL]])
*[[Fred Phelps]] is an evil man, yet [[gays]] are sub-human creatures that must be lynched.
*[[Nintendo DS]] is used by child molesters who lure children into their picto-chat sessions while driving, to rape them.
*[[PSP]] is high powered computer that gets porn out of thin air, and is used in school!11
*Fox News attempted humor with [[The Half Hour News Hour]] and [[fail]]ed.
*Public transit is [[communism]] and full of criminal [[niggers]], but car accident deaths are a sign of Murican prosperity and freedumb that we must accept.
*If you are an American Presidential Candidate, and you want to prove your patriotism by not wearing an American flag pin, you are a terrorist.
*Mass Effect has full nudity, graphic [[pr0n]] and deserves an AO rating, because the woman who didn't play the game [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0kdm7fg804 believes it]. Also, there are chainsaws in GTA IV takes 200+ hours to complete, because the man who didn't play the game said so.
*Making fists with your fellow black person and putting them together is considered a TERRORIST FIST JAB and is a bigger threat to America than [[B|cancer]] and [[diabeetus]] combined.
*Climate change is a hoax made up by the Chinese to take away [[muh freedumb!|Randal O'Toole]]
*Raping sexy blonde girls is ok when a straight white man does it.
*Take your kids to [[Hooters]] or Twin Peaks, but never a [[tranny|drag show]]
*The [[Newgrounds]] Torture Game 2 is disgusting, Melissa, and will make kids immune to physical pain and go kill anyone they want.
*[[Happy Mexican Lady Without Context|Post a photo without context]]; leave readers to figure that one out on their own.

==Fox News versus Anonymous==

''See [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] and [[The Incident]].''

== Sean Hannity vs Robert Gibbs ==
<center><youtube>Zgn6rjGbp0c</youtube></center>

{{quote| [[No u]]! Let's change the subject. [[No u]]!}}
If this is the best we can throw at them, then it's clear why these pricks prevail.

== Fox [[Fail|tries]] to shield Sarah Palin from booing crowd ==
[[Sarah Palin]]'s latest political stunt was to reinforce her "hockey mom" image by [[shit nobody cares about|dropping the first puck at a hockey game in Philadelphia]]. Anticipating bad press from the get go, Faux News website released the following statement:

{{quote| The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her [[loli|seven year old daughter]], Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, "How dare they boo Piper!" | Sarah Palin, [[Bullshit|showing just how good a mother she is]]}}

The plan [[doing it wrong|backfired]], and the boos were so loud the stadium [[failed|tried]] to drown it out by turning up the music. That did little however to distract from the [[lulz|numerous thumbs-down gestures and Obama/Biden signs in the audience]]. And when the time came, Palin didn't even drop the puck herself.
<center><youtube>gd4wQd_gbj8</youtube></center>
Faux News for their part tried to polish this turd by splicing together overhead footage that cut out the audience and using crappy audio that drowned out most of the booing.

==Fox News: Saving the World One Vidya at a Time==
[[File:Full frontal mass effect.jpg|thumb|300px|HELP! I'M BEING DESENSITIZED! ALL WOMEN ARE OBJECTS OF DESIRE, AND I DESIRE SEX FROM THEM! MY DEVELOPING MIND CANNOT HANDLE THE MATURE SITUATIONS IN THIS GAME! WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I?! HALP ME FAUX NEWS! SAVE ME FROM A NEVER ENDING SPIRAL OF NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!]]

The biggest threat to a god-fearing, fag-hating nation, aside from terrorists, liberals, liberal-terrorists, and George Soros, is the vidya. [[Jack Thompson]] is a prime candidate when it comes to providing completely unreliable "research" that the reason your little boy raped a girl, stole a car, and murdered a number of people is not due to bad parenting, but because of a video game where he repeatedly pressed the X button. But we're not talking about any hack-lawyer who needs to be put into a retirement home this time, we're talking about a hack-psychiatrist named [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKzF173GqTU Cooper Lawrence]. Dr. Lawrence (not a real doctor, but a doctor in the same way that Dr Pepper or Dr Dre are doctors) appeared on Fox News to discuss the psychological harm that can be induced by the popular vidya "Mass Effect". Surely, they're going to discuss the harmful xenophobic effects of fighting a universally evil alien race, right? Of creating lines between 'us' and 'them' based on appearance rather than values and actions? Fuck that hippie bullshit. Faux News is going to discuss the three minutes of [[awesome|DIGITAL, FULL FRONTAL, TOTALLY EXPLICIT, FILTHY, UNNATURAL, MIND-CORRUPTING NUDITY!]] Seriously, they compared the Xbox 360 (at the time with a lower survival rate than a black man at a Klan-Nazi pancake breakfast) to Pandora's Box ([[Television|the box that unleashed corrupting evil to humanity]]). Cooper gave her two cents about "all the research" and how teenagers with their Play-Dough minds see women as objects of desire. Amazingly, the smartest person there was from Spike TV, Geoff Keighley, who not only got Cooper to say that she never actually played Mass Effect, but that there was only a bit of alien side-boob, AND that you actually needed to build a relationship before there's even a chance to get any tail, while Cooper seemed adamant that every female encounter in the game included a 'Press X to Rape' command option. [[Epic Win|And thus it was proven that a well-known news station can be ousted intellectually by a channel dedicated to James Bond marathons, softcore porn-based comedy, and UFC.]] As Keighley tried to explain that nothing being said was true about the content of the game, and it was all blatant lies and bullshit, Faux News decided to cut off the liberal-fag-loving-terrorist, and went back to raging about children playing porn games. And then when they had their little moralistic circle-jerk about how awful it is, they all acted as if Geoff hadn't spoken at all.

Normally this kind of bullshit ends as a never-ending nerd rage on YouTube, but a few days later, Cooper Lawrence got her just desserts on Amazon.com. Gamers calling Cooper on her bullshit flocked to wherever a review of her latest book "''[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/dp/1599211793 The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever]''" could be deposited, and proceeded to ruin her reputation as a person with any amount of intelligence. Honestly, would you want to buy a self-help book from a person who makes arguments without research? Or take advice from someone stupid enough to insult an interest of the interwebs (video games) and imply the evil of another (porn), then try and market her book immediately thereafter? It's like murdering someone in front of their family, then giving them a business card that has your name, address, and closest friends and treasured valuables listed in case you want to exact revenge while expecting them to send you gift baskets that *don't* include explosives.
[[File:Cooper lawrence.png|thumb|Wipe that smug sense of self-satisfaction off her face with calling out her bullshit]]

{{quote|Excuse me "Darling", I guess I don’t have to read your book to bash it the same way you don’t have to play or even research a game you are talking about before you go on Fox News and spout your ignorance as fact. You are a moron and an attention whore.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|This woman has no business spreading any kind of media. She bases her theories on conjecture and nonsensical hearsay instead of fact. What she said about Mass Effect on FOX was an utter disgrace and I implore anybody who is considering buying her book to steer well clear. She is merely an opportunistic faker who will spout on about any topic, regardless of her knowledge on the subject.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|I am giving Ms. Lawrence a poor review because she makes assumptions that are not based on fact. During her Fox news report, she blatantly lied and completely misinformed the public. This is not acceptable behavior, and how does she expect me to read her book and believe what she has to say?|Anonymous Reviewer}}

Amazon has since taken off all the reviews that stated they hadn't read the book. But, it turns out the book's crappy enough, even without [[nerd rage]], and over 100 people still give it a 1/5 rating, while four people were paid enough to give it a 5/5 rating.[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/product-reviews/1599211793/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending Sample here.]
===[[EA]] UNLEASHES THE FURY===

After the interview [[EA|Electronic Arts]] executives called out Fox News's [[bullshit]] debate with an [[ALL CAPS]] letter debunking the lies that where [[shit|spoken]]. Basically the letter defended the hundred of [[nerd]]s who put in [[last Thursday|years]] to make this {{Archive|i6bR|game}}.

{{quote|The resulting coverage was insulting to the men and women who spent years creating a game which is acclaimed by critics for its high creative standards. As video games continue to take audiences away from television, we expect to see more TV news stories warning parents about the corrupting influence of interactive entertainment. But this represents a new level of recklessness.
Do you watch the Fox Network? Do you watch Family Guy? Have you ever seen The OC? Do you think the sexual situations in Mass Effect are any more graphic than scenes routinely aired on those shows? Do you honestly believe that young people have more exposure to Mass Effect than to those prime time shows?

[[serious business|This isn't a legal threat; it's an appeal to your sense of fairness. We're asking FNC to correct the record on Mass Effect.]]|Jeff Brown, VP of EA}}

Result: EA does [[EPIC]] [[PWNAGE]] on Fox and is, for the first and last time in the history of the world, the good guy.

===Update: The [[Cunt]] Apologizes===

So after receiving a lot of [[shit|flak]] from all corners of the [[nerd|gaming world]] and from having much [[butthurt]] on [[porn|amazon]], the [[cunt]] actually decides to watch someone else play the game for two and a half hours. She then realizes that she's fucking retarded, because [[you|who could get off watching an alien bone a human?]][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/26/arts/television/26mass.html] [http://www.destructoid.com/fox-psychologist-admits-she-was-wrong-check-the-skies-for-flying-pigs-66917.phtml]

{{quote|I recognize that I misspoke. I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke. Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography. But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of Lost that are more sexually explicit.|Cooper 'Pretentious Cunt' Lawrence, still managing to be insulting during her apology. An exemplar of the Faux Way.}}

Despite apologizing to the [[gaming]] community for all of the bullshit accusations, the [[rape]] over her book on amazon shall continue to prove a lesson to the people at faux news and anyone who goes on who makes any false accusations and promoting a book at the same time, will feel the [[shit nobody cares about|wrath of the gaming community]].

==Intertubes H4x0r3d==
On July 22, 2007, an illiterate 5th-grader found the [[Ted Stevens|intertubes]] root password by guessing where it was saved: On the Fox News website. Here's what he saw when he signed in:

{| border=0 cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0
|[[File:kennyg_cheadle.jpg|thumb|Surprise Buttsecks!|none]] || [[File:Family1type.jpg|thumb|Fox News Makes You Stupid|none]] || [[File:Swimming_sluts.jpg|thumb|Breaking News|none]] || [[File:FoxNewsHeadUpAss.jpg|thumb|Fox News is the one on the left|none]]
|-
|}

[http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2950150 Fox News leaves their root images directory open for perusal.]

==Faux News Shoops Photos==
[[File:Fox news shoops liberals.jpg|thumb|[[This looks shooped]]...]]
On July 2, 2008, everyone's favorite propaganda hate machine ran a segment calling ''New York Times'' editor and reporter Steven Reddicliffe and Jacques Steinberg "attack dogs," because they mentioned that [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/28/arts/television/28rati.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Fox News' ratings were slipping], probably because people don't want to be fed bullshit during the presidential elections. Fox thought this statistical data was an attack on their [[lol|fair and balanced]] news coverage, so they counter-attacked the ''New York Times'' by having a circle-jerk about how Reddicliffe was fired from Fox, makes less money now working for the ''New York Times'', and wrote the report because he hates Fox, and additionally, Fox [http://mediamatters.org/items/200807020002 posted altered photos of the two reporters] to give them Jew noses, yellow teeth, receding hairlines, and darkened circles around their eyes. So, your average Jew.

==Taking on Fark==
On August 17, 2007, Fox News attempted to [[hacker|h4x0r]] [[Fark]] and steal their internets. {{Archive|Imqq7}} However, since Fox's crack team of internet counter-hate machines is made up of people who regularly get pwned by [[script kiddies]], they got absolutely nowhere and failed so hard that Rupert Murdoch crapped lazers.

==More Valuable Information To Come From Fox News==
{{center|{{fv|vg1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>MHEXzlNHC8Q</youtube>
'''Statistical Analysis of Fox's broadcasts uncover that it is actually a Porn Channel not a News Channel'''
|<youtube>0xvGbc3hQd0</youtube>
'''Fox is so considerate.'''
|<youtube>H0kdm7fg804</youtube>
'''Fox [[Lol-cow]]s "discuss"ing Mass Effect'''
|<youtube>8zB4ItYcX4I</youtube>
'''''[[Jism]]'' - the new name for [[milk]]'''
|<youtube>MzV8wrnLfS4</youtube>
'''Shepard Smith, host of his own show reminds Jennifer Lopez about what people in the Bronx really want'''
|<youtube>FpVuF0_AJjQ</youtube>
'''How Fox News anchors establish credentials'''}}}}

== Still "Fair and Balanced" ==
Proving they're still a [[fucktarded|well informed]] [[no|news organization]], the Fox 11 report on January 31st, 2008, aimed at "cyber-bullying," included more [[fucktarded|top notch]] news reporting about the [[Goatse|dangers of the internet]]. Most of the examples are retarded idiots who can't deal with anyone pointing out the truth of how much of a fag they really are, who then make up shit and go to Faux news for a chance at popularity. Don't miss the surprise cameo from [[YouTube]]'s biggest crybaby [[Goronchev]].

<center><youtube>Ai09cWlyPrQ</youtube> 

[[File:Smugcapmaybe.JPG|[[Intellectual Checkmate|He]] was there the entire time.]] 
In this screencap, [[Goronchev]] BAAAWWs about ZOMG SO MEAN Anonymous. 

<youtube>lptVAbw5oos</youtube> 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lptVAbw5oos#t=01m006s Jump to the good stuff]</center>

==Keep Fucking that Chicken==
[[File:DariAlexander.png|right|thumb|[[LOLWUT]]?]]
[[File:Kfcchikkins.gif|right|thumb|Anastos on the job]]
This phrase was coined by Faux News anchor '''Ernie Anastos''' during a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keep%20fucking%20that%20chicken&defid=4242406 live broadcast] of the [[New York]] local news.
{{tinyquote|It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick. '''Keep fucking that chicken'''.}}
<center>{{frame|{{fv|Fuckin||font-weight: bold;|<youtube>X7XbukdoGmM</youtube>|<youtube>yExhzotEu4s</youtube>|<youtube>vQTd0t-Pxck</youtube>}}}}</center>

The quote was an obvious rip-off of [[chikins]] producer [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Perdue Frank Perdue's] original catchphrase, ''"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken"'', which went [[Fail|badly wrong]] when Anastos tried to use it. The original Perdue campaign also generated unintentional [[lulz]] when the [[Mexico|Mexican]] translation of their catchphrase ended up telling people, ''"It takes a hard man to get your '[[cock|chicken]]' aroused"'' ("polla" meaning 'dick' in Spanish). It's pretty obvious that Anastos meant this version.

At least now we know what [[KFC]] stands for.

==Fox News vs Sesame Street==
{{quote|From now on I am watching Pox News. Now ''there's'' a trashy news show.|Muppet}}

<center><youtube>gBGG9TcBZOA</youtube></center> 

In November, 2009, [[Sesame Street]] included [http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/11/05/fox-news-v-sesame-street-beck-oreilly-fans-angry-over-oscar/ an old skit] where [[ODB|Oscar the Grouch]] gets into an argument over his liberal news show resulting in a caller telling him she's switching to watching '''Pox News'''. This -naturally- caused immediate butthurt at the official [[propaganda|'news' channel]] of the Republican Party prompting [[gay|Papa Bear]] O'Reilly to return fire at Sesame Street.

<center><youtube>jzg24i1lagU</youtube></center> 

Other butthurt conservatives in the blogosphere were [https://web.archive.org/web/20091107223320/http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/sright/2009/11/03/l-is-for-leftist-thats-good-enough-for-me/ not so kind].

{{tinyquote|PBS — a network partially funded with my tax dollars — has the right to tell my kids that their parents watch “trashy” news? The message is clear, I can’t even sit my kids in front of “Sesame Street” without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority.|Butthurt blogger}}

{{tinyquote|I first saw that episode last year and couldn't believe what I was hearing. We're watching [[Disney]] more now, but I have to monitor to make sure [[Mind control|I explain things to my daughter when it does get left leaning.]]|Butthurt conservative.}}

==Fox now approves of CP?==

<center><youtube>G5288Nj4Rkg</youtube></center> 

<s>You watch that? Good. Now watch it again and pause at 1:39.</s> '''BALEETED''' Thats right. tittay. 10 year old tittay. Fox news has once again been hypocritical. *big surprise* At the moment /b/ is rampaging, and has started a war against fox. Again. The war has been dubbed Operation PEDOFOX, and many a /b/tard have been sending in reports to various other news networks and even the FCC.

==[[ALL CAPS|BREAKING NEWS!]] [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] PWN FAUX NEWS TWITTER!==

On July 4 (lol), 2011, a group of l33t h@xxorz called the [[Script Kiddies]] ([http://archive.fo/ebEXK no, rly!]) [[Retarded|decided it would be a great idea]] to [[hack]] into the [[Oxymoron|Faux News Politics]] [[Twitter]], which is apparently shown on Faux, and tweet that [[President Obama]] had been pwned by [[Jews]] in Iowa.

Faux [[Bill O'Reilly|denizens]] pretended that they hadn't creamed themselves over the prospect of [[black Jesus]] getting IRL permb& by calling the attack "[[Awesome|malicious]]" and "[[For Great Justice|false]]". Meanwhile, all of the [[13-year-old-boys]] responsible for the attack watch fearfully from their bedroom windows for the [[Party Van]], before it inevitably shows up to drag them away.

==War with [[Donald Trump|Trump]]==

{{quote|I think the big problem this country has is being ''Politically Correct''.|[[Donald Trump]] says what needs to be said to [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]]}}

On August 6, 2015, during the GOP debate, [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]] asked [[God|Donald Trump]] about his past insults towards [[women]] in which he replied "Only [[Rosie O'Donnell]]". After that he talks about how he doesn't have time to be [[Politically Correct|PC]]. Later in the debate, she asked him about his [[Liberal]] past (since she is unaware that people can evolve on topics).

Later on, [[Bitch|Kelly]] went after [[The Donald]] on her show, while Trump retaliated via [[Twitter]] causing an ongoing fight between the two. At one point, [[Autism|Roger Ailes]] demanded that Trump apologizes to Kelly. However, he refused to apologize because he is known for not apologizing.

On September 23, [[Donald Trump]] said he would not be on Faux Jews for the forseeable future.[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/646716373473853442]

==Gallery==
{{cg|Gallery|fox|center|<gallery>
File:Faux-News-poster.gif
File:Foxnewsbrainwash.jpg|Fox News brainwashing
File:Internet_hate_machine.JPG|Fox shows its true colors.
File:Foxjewschannel.gif|Video proof of the Fox Jews Channel.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Fuxnews.jpg|ITS A CONSPIRACY!!1!111!
File:Foximpactsmaller.jpg|A typical Fox News web page.
File:Hannitysucksass.jpg|[[True]]
File:Nazifoxnews.jpg|A new Fox News logo being considered.
File:Haetmachine.jpg|[[TOW]] on [[Fox|FAUX]]: What, me fearmonger?
File:ThankYouFoxNews.jpg|Meanwhile, in [[America]]...
File:Fox_News_-_Gun_Violence.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_In_The_60s.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_Obama_Lie.jpg
File:Greta van susteren.jpg| Hail Xenu
File:FoxNews What.jpg
File:Megyn kelly3.jpg
File:Greata1.jpg
File:FOX.gif
File:LalxOrily.jpg
File:Faux news geography fail.jpg
File:Foxnews.jpg
File:FauxNewsObamaBiden.jpg
File:Geraldo Cares.jpg
</gallery>|}}

== Contact information for lulz ==
* Fox’s main number 888-369-4762.
* Kathy Ardleigh, Sen. Politics Producer o Phone: 212-301-3186
* Thom Bird, Fox News Sen. Producer o Phone: 212-301-3250
* Ian Rae, Exec. VP News o Phone: 212-301-8552
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* Brian Lewis, Executive Vice President of Corporate Communications o Phone: 212-301-3331
* Irena Briganti, Vice President of Media Relations o Phone: 212-301-3608
* Brian Knoblock, International Editor o Phone: 212-301-5486
* Kim Schiller Hume, Wash DC Bureau Chief o Phone: 202-824-6389
* Ken LaCorte, Los Angeles Bureau Chief o Phone: 310-571-2000
* Justin Schmidt, Chicago Bureau Chief o Phone: 312-494-0428
* Brit Hume, Managing Editor o Phone: 202-824-6470
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711
* Bill O’Reilly, O’Reilly Factor Host o Phone: 212-301-3320
* Jane Skinner, News Anchor o Phone: 212-301-5023
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711

== External Links ==
*[http://foxnewscomments.com/ Fair and balanced audience]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBN-qhRdfI0 Beware: The Emo Scene!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnOVcRVO2g FOX 11, news everyone wants.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PLOFnEUTpY FOX LAWL]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTA-A3esI4 NICE ONE FOX]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orpgUPNSRPI Nintendo DS: Harmless Fun or sauce of Pedophilia]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l7ng-U_fks wut? orly]
*<s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS010ek9S_8 Fox News does a report on Tay Zonday]</s> (BALEETED!)
*[http://www.foxattacks.com/ Fox Attacks]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swLExEmedtw An In-Depth Analysis of the Fox Network]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVOJYYwMaA An Impartial Look At Fox News]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1c0pHLkj3A OH LAWDS]
*[http://nypost.com/2015/01/26/man-shot-outside-news-corp-building-in-nyc/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow It is a well known fact that Fox News can, in fact, cause someone to An Hero, lol]

==See Also==
*[[Batshit_Insane|Batshit Insane]]
*[[Cooper Lawrence]]
*[[Conservative]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Ian Schwartz]]
*[[Masud Ali]]
*[[Nazi]]
*[[Republican]]
*[[Retardation]]
*[[Russia Today]]- trendy russkie propaganda network
*[[The Onion]]
*[[Time Magazine]]
*[[Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] - An [[unfunny]], [[homophobic]] version of ''[[The Daily Show]]''.
*[[TMZ]]

{{FoxNews}}
{{politics}}
{{truth}}
{{chans}}
{{trolls}}
{{Business}}
{{epic}}
{{top16}}
{{Television}}
{{FakeNews}}
{{Timeline|Featured article July 28, [[2007]]|[[Tay Zonday]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Ron Mexico]]}}
{{Timeline|Article of the Nao May 12, [[2011]]|[[Anonymous]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Operation Payback]]}}
{{timeline|AOTN July 18 and 19, 2012|[[Penis Pump]]|[[Faux News]]|[[loldongs]]}}
[[Category:2007]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Chans]]

Bike

2026-01-17T14:51:55Z

Crow caw:

[[File:New bike nigger.jpg|thumb|right|Bike now, pay never]]
[[Image:Bikewater.jpg|thumb|220px|Nigga earned my bike.]]
[[Image:Wearahelmet.jpg|thumb|220px|That faggot bike helmet will really help when a goddamn truck rolls over your head.]]
[[Image:Nigga_Bikes.jpg|thumb|right|220px|An enterprising nigra and his collection of your bikes.]]
[[Image:Sup_dawg_bikes.jpg|thumb|220px|[[Xzibit]] liek bikes.]]

'''Bike''' is a human-powered vehicle with two wheels used primarily by sophisticated people such as niggers and [[niggers|people in third-world countries]] and [[Amsterdam]]. But hey, who can tell the difference?

== The Bike as a Vehicle ==
Riding a bike is an excellent way to quickly go downhill. It has also been suggested that going uphill on one may be effective at reducing [[fatty|fattiness]] but this has not been confirmed outside of the [[Playstation]] game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It is also a great way to get your face fucked up or even [[die]], especially if you play chicken with cars like a [[Rob Levin|retard]]. Beyond this the bike serves little purpose other than to make the rider look poor/dumb/gay or like a useless [[hipster]].

== Bike Racing ==
Bike racing has been a popular women's sport for [[at least 100 years]], but gained popularity in the latter part of the 20th century amongst the homosexual male community. The face of the sport has changed radically since then, transforming from a competition centered around crossing a finish line in a short period of time into a marathon-like contest of who can wear the shortest and tightest spandex shorts while bouncing on their dong-like bike seat for the longest period of time. The [[French]], of course, dominated most international dong riding competitions, and bike racing was no exception; they host the annual ''Tour des Fags'', the most noteworthy competition of its type, in which hundreds of gay men mount their love bikes and engage in self-administered [[anal sex]] in public, on the road daily for nearly a month at a time. Some fucker with one ball though came around completely dominated the sport though, including forcefully sodomizing the French, and as a result all the other bikers took vast quantity of drugs to try and keep up. It should be noted that not all cyclists are drug addicts. [[NotJustBikes]] is a bitter angry hateful arsehole who thinks all drugs are bad.

== Tree Huggers and Bikes ==
Due to the non-existent requirements for gasoline that bikes present, their use has become extremely prevalent among [[hippies]], [[hipsters]], and other tree huggers under the illusion that they can contribute to cleaner air by peddling their stank asses around like rolling filth bombs. In cities where the hippy infestations are particularly virulent such as [[Seattle]], WA and Sacramento, CA, the smell of cannabis, patchouli oil and Indian hobo crotch is inescapable even within the comfort of one's car on the freeway due to the number of hippies on bikes. No wonder [[Randal O'Toole]] hates cyclists.

== English Gentlemen and Bikes ==

Once upon a time, there was a man who was consciously aware of his physical state. As a result, he turned to the exercising past-time of utilizing a wheeled machine known as a bicycle to maintain his own fitness. One day it happened to chance that a man of [[nigger|African American]] descent saw this man as he utilized the wheeled machine for exercise, and when he ceased his exercise momentarily for a break, seized upon his chance to abscond with the wheeled machine, resulting in a hilarious and much televised chase. [[HA HA|Ha, ha, ha.]]

== Niggas & Bikes ==
''See also: [[OJ Simpson]]'', ''[[Mike Tyson's Punch Out]]''

{|style="margin: auto;"
|{{fv|vids|background-color: #ffffff;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>t3uAdC6xkEY</youtube><center></center>|<youtube>7slrxjF7AtI</youtube><center></center>|<youtube>PcV4LVhSRLg</youtube>}}
|}

[[File:Mybike.jpg|220px|thumb|right|Never leave your bike alone with a wog]]
[[Image:Niggerbike.gif|220px|thumb|right|Good luck getting that bike back.]]
'''Nigga Stole My Bike''' (or, '''Nigger Stole My Bike/Nigga Stole Muh Bike''') is probably hailed as one of the popular, long-running memes even before the trend of memes began circulating on the interwebs. Ever since your grandparents can remember back in the 1920s, [[niggers]] were always known to collect things from rich white neighborhoods especially bikes; the exact reason for this practice is unknown, but it's theorized that niggas stole the bikes because those big, rubber seats made their dicks stay hard while peddling fast enough, building their sex drive as well as the amount of cum flow to rape women. Or it just could have been a trend for the niggaz to move fast and fool cops after they were caught stealing somewhere. Due to this trend of niggers stealing so many bikes over the years, residents from said rich neighborhoods would cry to the police, "Nigga stole my bike!" Bicycle locks were invented for this reason, but it's useless now since niggaz became smart enough to [[419_Nigerian_Email_Scams|steal your bank account]].

Much like Jews & Gold, Nigras like to collect things but in their case it is others' bikes. As can be seen in the recent news clippings to the left Nigra bike theft is common place and the threat posed to all of us is equal to that of [[Al Gore]] and [[Furries]].

As of 2:37 AM on April 18th, 2009 the chance of having your bike stolen within 10 minutes of buying has dropped to 30%. This is probably due to [[Lies|niggas getting smarter]] and realizing that bike stores generally don't lock their bikes up. On a side note, WalMart stores have STARTED to lock their bikes up to keep niggas off.

{|style="margin: auto;"
|<youtube>4bN76TvJspY</youtube>
<center>'''Here we see how 500 Volts to the undercarriage prevents bike theft.'''</center>
|}

== Homosexuals & Bikes ==
[[File:I don't know.jpg|thumb|220px|[[Hipster|Probably a fixie]].]]
It is common knowledge that all [[Robert Stewart|serious cyclists]] keep their legs shaved smoother than the average [[prostitute|sorostitute's]] legs. While [[some argue]] that this prevents road rash and [[aids|infection]] in the event of a crash, it is also quite obvious that any man who shaves his legs is flaming homo or, moar likely, a [[trap]].

Bicycles, in gentrified areas, are becoming more and more popular amongst young [[hipsters]]. As a symbol of the [[lies|uniqueness and individuality of the hipster generation]], bikes offer a great way to incorporate basic tenets of hipster culture, such as [[Unwarranted Self-Importance|irony and environmental friendliness]], into a transportation system. It is known that [[Fail|Hipsters pride themselves on being subversive and interesting individuals in a world full of squares and robots]]. However, for some strange reason, all of them coincidentally happen to have a serious love of bicycles (along with a fondness for drinking 40's and [[fap|fapping]] to the Arcade Fire). Bikes have been proven to be the most effective vehicle for transportation to American Apparel stores and [[Shit nobody cares about|basement shows by bands you've never heard of]].

There are also a select few crazy fags that bike on "Xtreme off-road trails," but they are rare as they usually end up killing themselves in hilarious ways. Those that manage to survive often have severe brain damage, though it is often difficult to diagnose how much damage has been sustained due to the fact that they are often fucking retarded in the first place.

== Gallery ==
{{cg|Bike Gallery|Gallery|center|<gallery>
File:Opening a Beer With a Bike.gif
File:Microbike.gif
File:Spincycle.gif
File:Exploding hot dog stand.gif
File:Tricycle.gif
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:1499624448167.jpg
Image:Lance_Armstrong.jpg|Lance Armstrong's revolutionary "[[In the ass|inter-anal]] seat" bike design and lack of [[testicles]] catapulted him to victory in the ''Tour de [[France]]''
Image:Bikeriding.jpg|[[Hippies]] ride bikes because they think it will save the planet
Image:NiggaStoleMyBike2.jpg|[[Police]] use racial profiling effectively to help detect bike [[crime]]
Image:YourBikeIsTHISgay.jpg|As if shaving your legs wasn't enough
Image:Nude-girl-biking-naked.jpg|No helmet on this [[pussy]]
Image:Nigger bike.jpg|Even the niggas move along with the times
Image:Kikebike.jpg|[[Google]] is highly bikeophobic
Image:Bike.jpg|No retreat, no surrender when a nigga steals your bike
Image:Nigga_stole_krystals_bike.png|Nigger stole [[Krystal Can't Enjoy Her Sandwich|her]] bike
Image:NiggaStoleBikePokemon.gif|[[Nigga|Black]] stealing [[Pokemon|Red's]] bike
Image:Three-on-a-bike.jpg|[[Poor]] people actually use bikes as transportation
Image:Bikerfox tru faggot.jpg|[[Bikerfox]]: typical faggot biker
Image:Pimpson.jpg|Even the most [[OJ|famous nigga]] will still steal bikes
Image:Mario_stole_Wario's_bike.jpg|Some [[fat]] people are simply not allowed to ride bikes
Image:Naked bike ride.jpg|The appropriate way to ride a bike
Image:Bikebtoo.jpg|Even cops can do nothing with it
Image:NIGGA_STOLE_MY_BIKE_GMOD.jpg|Not even in [[Gmod]] bikes are safe!
Image:Pimp_my_bike.jpg|Pimp My bike
Image:Vaginabike.jpg|The almighty [[Vagina Bike]]
Image:Shopping bicycle.jpg|Nigga stole mah front tire.
File:Doggystyle bike.jpg
File:Fabulous biker.jpg
File:Keep it.jpeg
File:Niggastolemybike.jpg
File:Horsefucker bicycle.jpg
File:Sharing the Road.jpg
File:Tour de Goatse offcenter.JPG
</gallery>}}

== See also ==
* [[NotJustBikes]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]
* [[Rob Levin]]
* [[The Netherlands]]
* [[Motorcycle]]
* [[Vagina Bike]]
* [[Dindu Nuffin]] - This is the response you get when you enquire about your stolen bicycle.

== External links ==
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20110829074626/http://www.theystolemybike.com/ Go here if they stole it]
{{life}}
{{ytmnd}}
{{memes}}

[[Category:Fandom Stuff]]
[[Category:Memes]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]

NotJustBikes

2025-12-25T15:51:21Z

Crow caw:

{{lolcow}}
{{morphquote|quotes|background:white;width:100%;height:100%;|font-weight:bold
|If you are one of those whiners, upset by my angry tone, good news! Thousands of hours, of content, are uploaded, to YouTube, every single minute. So, GO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE, AND FUCK OFF!|NJB's '' "The Dumbest Excuse for Bad Cities"''
|Keep your stupid fucking Americunt trucks OUT of my perfect utopia known as Europe!|NJB's latest propaganda screed
|People should give up, on North America, though. This is not doomerism, it's reality. If you have hope, for North America, you've come to the wrong channel. My content is, only, intended for people with the money, and means, to, permanently, relocate, from the US or Canada to somewhere in Europe. This is why I block my critics, rather than engage. My loyal fans will, gladly, defend me, against criticism, too.|NJB's [[Bluesky]] post directed at his critics in September 2023
|So? Nobody gives a fuck, if the US has some bike tunnels. The US is complete shit. All bike infrastructure, in the US, is a fucking joke. Minneapolis bike tunnels, can go fuck themselves, and you. You fucking Merikkkahn piece of shit. As an American, who lives in Europe, all of Europe is, literally, perfect. We have real bike tunnels, and, no mass shootings. If you still live in the US, fucking kill yourself, too.|Typical comment from an NJB fanboy directed at someone who disagrees with their master}}
{{Infobox person
|image = Idiot grifter scumbag.jpg
|powerword = Jason Slaughter
|occupation = [[YouTube]] ranter, writer, scam artist, male prostitute, propagandist
|gender = self-described "Cisgendered Male"
|years active = 2017-present
|nationality = [[Canadian]] cosplaying as a [[Dutchland|Dutchie]]
|website = [https://www.notjustbikes.com official propaganda site] [https://www.youtube.com/user/NotJustBikes JewTube channel]}}
'''NotJustBikes''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jason Slaughter''') is an 80-year-old [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] billionaire [[Elon Musk|grifter]] with severe anger issues who became a refugee in [[Pervert|Amsterdam]] because he is a [[USI|selfish entitled scumbag]] and hates [[Toronto|the fake London]] with a burning passion. He is the ultimate cynical [[doomer]] and will quickly block you if you disagree with his hatred for North American public transport. As expected, NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. NJB fans are about as obnoxious and immature as [[MrEnter]] fans and the insane bootlickers of the equally deranged tyrant named [[Mike Chitwood]].

==History==
NotJustBikes was born in the fake London to a rich family. He inherited billions and used the money to travel around the world on sex tourism trips. He married a 30-year-old stripper at age 70. In 2017, NJB started making anti-Murican propaganda videos.

==Criminal record==
In March 2018, NJB became inspired by [[Dr. Phil|Mike Chitwood]] (who looks like an even more retarded version of Dr. Phil) to shoot up Toronto city hall. However, because [[Trudeau]] hates gunz and freedumb, NJB was forced to settle for angrily cursing out the councillors and then going on a stabbing rampage. Before security could remove him from the building, NJB had already bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. He became stateless in 2019 and then fraudulently obtained Dutch citizenship in 2023. The [[Geert Wilders]] regime hates the woke faggot Truedolt and therefore refuses to extradite NJB to Canaduh. Not even the Donald Trump regime with its love of mass incarceration wants to extradite and imprison NJB in an [[hell|Americunt federal prison]].

==Personality==
NJB has severe anger issues. Criticism or disagreement with him or his fanbase is not allowed. NJB and his fanboys falsely assume all of North America is a lost cause and will forever be one giant carbon copy of Houston. Their ignorant generalising of entire continents places polar opposite cities such as Phoenix and NYC in the same categories. In true [[internet tough guy]] fashion, NJB will pull a bait and switch whenever his lies are refuted. He even hates his own fans and will only respond to his fellow rich people who pay premium on [[Patreon]] to message him. NJB is a frequent user of [[Bluesky]]. NJB is a [[socialist]] despite being one of the wealthiest people alive. He is extremely selfish and uncharitable.

Unfortunately, since NJB is a grifter and master manipulator, he successfully lied and cheated his way to 15 million YouTube subscribers and millions of views on each of his propaganda videos. He acts like he's the pimp of the urban planning community and decides who deserves to be forgiven for their past misdeeds. Because [[JewTube]] and its stupid "algorithm" bullshit since 2019 has been rigged and biased in favour of whatever clickbait is designed to provoke outrage and fear, NJB has become the most popular and famous urban planning internet personality. Due to his love of censorship, NJB has never received any penalties for his lies and violations of the "misinformation" rule. Not even his video mindlessly bashing [[Houston]] and generalising all of North America as a carbon copy of Houston was flagged and taken down like it deserves. Meanwhile, the still-negative but lightyears better video by [[Philadelphia|Alan Fisher]] criticising [[Denver]] was taken down after being reported by NJB fanboy and angry Denver suburbanite Jason Spelts. NJB even blocked and sent death threats to fellow pro-censorship leftist [[Albuquerque|CityNerd]] because CityNerd hates Dallas with a burning passion but likes Houston for some obscure reason.

==Bigotry==
NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. He is also a ravaging anti-Semite who hates [[Jooz]]. He permanently cut off all contact with his lesbian daughter because she re-settled in [[NYC|New Amsterdam]] (instead of the old Amsterdam) and married a Jewish [[Ausfag]] girl. NJB started a whole subreddit named r/fuckcars which has an admirable goal of criticising [[cancer|car culture]], but in practice is just an endless circle [[Randal O'Toole|jerk off in a jitney]] of repeating the same old liberal propaganda about North America being supposedly doomed.

NJB is close allies with neo-nazi supporter [[Hungary|Adam Something]] (aka Azov Nothing), a fake Marxist with similar extreme anger issues, hatred of MuRiCa, a sexual fetish for "[[gypsy|Roma People]]", and censoring of any disagreement. As expected, both NJB and Azov Nothing are [[Vaush]] fanboys and accepted as members of the [[BreadTube]] cult. Other BreadTube commies who have promoted NJB propaganda videos include [[Hbomberguy]], [[BLM|Legal Eagle]], and [[Philosophy Tube]].

Other YouTube channels that have completely sold out (such as [[AVGN]]) are NJB fanboys.

NJB hates poor people. Are you really surprised?

==Things he's stolen from other activists==
*The Breezewood meme, which first went viral in 2008, long before NJB infected the internet.
*The term "stroad" from StrongTowns, which started in 1985.
*Generalising and stereotyping.
*Fear of crime from every news media source
*Censorship
*Jerking off in a jitney, fugly appearance and anger issues from [[Randal O'Toole]]
*STDs
*Virginity of blonde chicks from [[Faux News]]
*Cynical doomerism
*Looking retarded from every [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]
*E-begging
*Idolising [[Europe]] from [[ATTN:]]
*Vicious hatred for anything Murican from [[Reddit]]
*Obsession with transgenderism
*Obsession with [[negroes]] (though he hates them) from [[MSNBC]]
*The term "painted bike gutter" from Oh the Urbanity!
*Recognising that the fire department are just cops in different coloured trucks from [[GTA 5]]
*"[[In Minecraft]]" from [[South Park]]

==How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase==
*Remind them New York City exists and has good transit.
*Suggest [[truth|North America is not hopeless, and in fact is changing for the better]].
*Tell them to tone down the anger.
*Say Houston (though that city sucks too) is the best city ever.
*Call him a [[nazi|nationalist]].
*Tell any success story from North America or mention anything good happening there.
*Be even remotely positive or optimistic.
*Share links to videos by CityNerd or Alan Fisher.
*Suggest that the Netherlands is not a perfect country.
*Ask him, like, why, he uses, like, so many, unnecessary, commas, and, why, he, like, says, like, too, like, fucking, like, much, too.
*Tell him to act his age (83) instead of like a bratty teen girl.
*Be [[Jewish]] or [[Indian]].
*Be less wealthy than him.
*Remind him that [[fact|97% of people will never ever have the money or opportunity to move across an ocean and it's much much harder to make such a move than he suggests it is]].
*Ask him or his fanboys if they care at all about future generations.
*Tell him he displays the same characteristics as the [[MAGA]]ites he hates: older than 60, uneducated, white, lives in a bubble, paranoid, easily angered, insists on [[Burger King|having everything his way]] even when he knows he's objectively wrong, [[USI|thinks he's always right about everything]].
*Politely ask him not to interrupt you while you're trying to speak.
*Ask him how he became a refugee in a foreign country so easily and quickly.
*Ask him if his new passport is fake.
*Ask him how much he paid in bribes to become a Dutch citizen in less than 2 years.
*Tell him it's ignorant to generalise and stereotype.
*Use public transit in North America.
*Send him photos of missing middle housing in North America. Bonus points if the neighbourhood pictured is walkable.
*Tell the truth that cynical doomers are just as harmful to urbanist causes as car-addicted suburbanites have been.
*Compare him to [[Randal O'Toole]]
*Tell him that avoiding debates and blocking instead of engaging with critics makes you a coward.
*Tell him money can't buy happiness and there's more to life than money. Better yet, say that he wouldn't be angry 24/7 if money could buy happiness.
*Suggest that he see a therapist.
*Suggest that the real problem at hand is that NJB and his fanboys are brainwashed by sensationalist news media and live isolated in a bubble, and if they left their basements regularly they would see that North American is more than just a carbon copy of Houston.
*Ask him how he became a billionaire (hint: it wasn't through "hard work").
*Live anywhere west of the prime meridian.
*Remind him that Amsterdam was car-dependent at one point. Be advised, NJB and his fanboy army will certainly respond with the butthurt "but the US is worse!" argument.
*Ask him to cite sources.
*Show him any video by Oh the Urbanity!
*Show him this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqNiPVO5mAE
*Tell him his channel logo is lazily designed.
*Suggest that the solution to building passenger rail in North America is bipartisan support, not the "us vs. them" mentality.
*Call his gay lover Adam Something a nazi.
*Ask him how much he pays in taxes.
*Speak the truth that you are a coward if you decide to run away across an ocean instead of staying and fighting. Even better, state that people who want change have the obligation to stay and fight, and that running away makes the fight harder for everyone who doesn't have the option to leave.
*Ask where he got his plastic surgery.
*Tell him RMTransit makes better videos.
*Ask him where he convinced RMTransit to get weight loss surgery.
*Ask him why he brainwashed RMTransit into hating American light rail.
*Tell him to stop trying to corrupt RMTransit.
*Tell him he has privilege.
*Point out that for a non-American who hates MuRiCa with a burning passion, NJB sure exemplifies the American cultural values of anger, aggression, the "fuck you, got mine" mentality, and love of [[tranny|gender confusion]].
*Point out that selfsihly putting his own personal desires first at the expense of everyone else in North America by running away across an ocean like a coward was an act of rugged individualism.
*Call him a racist.
*Call him a [[hypocrite]].
*Ask him if he smokes weed.
*Ask him if he plays [[Minecraft]].
*Ask him how many women he's had sex with.
*Tell him he sounds similar to [[Tucker Carlson]].
*Invite him to a debate.
*Remind him that even the similarly nasty and arrogant [[Randal O'Toole]] is not afraid to debate his enemies.
*Say [[Elon Musk]] (though he's also an idiot and a grifter) is the best innovator.
*Ask him what type of home he lives in (hint: it's a single-family detached McMansion).
*Ask him how he got from Toronto to Amsterdam (hint: he flew in a private jet).
*Disagree with him or his fanboys.
*Tag him on social media.
*Ask him if he's really actually too busy to take messages or just hates peasants.
*Ask him what he's done to help the oppressed [[negroes]], [[gays]], [[trannies]], "mass shooting" victims and abortion seekers he pretends to care about when discussing how terrible the USA is.
*Ask him why he talks so damn slow.
*Ask him if there's anything he likes about North America.
*Report his stupid propaganda videos for misinformation.
*Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
*Call him smug, arrogant or narcissistic.
*Show him photos of urban freeways in Amsterdam (they exist).
*Tell him [[Vancouver]] has the best local police department of any city in the world.
*Call him selfish, impatient or entitled.
*Say capitalism is better than socialism.
*Ask him if he voted for Geert Wilders.
*Imitate the calls of Canada geese.
*Fact check any of his lies.
*Speak the truth that large, low-density suburbs, cities and countries such as the USA and Canada are still capable of supporting public transit, bike lanes, walkable areas, and passenger rail.
*Remind him that the "jaywalking" is legal even in parts of the USA (such as NYC), while some non-American cities have laws against it too (such as Singapore).
*Ask him if he's ever donated to charitable causes.
*Ask him if he's had a heart attack or stroke yet.
*Use the abbreviation NJB and the fanboys will call you a nazi just because of one obscure gay nazi who murdered a Jewish talk show host and raped his corpse. Apparently, disagreeing with NJB makes you the new Hitler. Ironic considering NJB is a ravaging anti-Semite.
*Introduce them to people who live in small US college towns full time (there are millions).
*Remind them that countries outside North America have a housing crisis too.
*Ask him if a terminally angry CCP supporter from SoCal named ScramJett watches his videos.
*Show him photos of small US college towns that have cycling infrastructure and modeshare levels on par with Amsterdam, such as Greenville, SC (though Bob Jones University also sucks) and Davis, CA.
*Tell him to do better research for his propaganda videos.
*Ask him what real Dutch people think of his videos (spoiler alert: they hate him and want to deport his ass to Canada).
*Ask him if he got any STDs from decades of wild sex parties before he married a 30-year-old stripper.
*Tell him [[Tokyo]] has better public transport than Amsterdam.
*Tell him [[Belgium]] is a superior country to the Netherlands.
*Bring up the subject of income inequality.
*Create alt accounts to bypass the cowardly blocks he imposes to censor his critics.
*Ask him what he has done to help improve North American cities.
*Tell him he looks like the [[Hobo with a Shotgun]]
*Show them this article

== See Also ==

* [http://www.youtube.com/@NotJustBikes the propaganda source itself]
* [[Vaush]]
* [[Destiny]]
* [[Bluesky]]
* [[TheMysteriousMrEnter]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

[[Category:People]]
{{Canada}}
{{sj}}
{{YouTube Ranters}}
{{ytseries}}
{{enemy}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 24th & 25th, [[2014]]|[[MrEnter]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[James Foley]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article May 15 and 16, [[2024]]|[[VidLii]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Battle For Dream Island]]}}
[[Category:People|Slaughter, Jason]]
[[Category:Crackers]]

NotJustBikes

2025-12-25T00:56:30Z

Crow caw: fuck njb

{{lolcow}}
{{morphquote|quotes|background:white;width:100%;height:100%;|font-weight:bold
|If you are one of those whiners, upset by my angry tone, good news! Thousands of hours, of content, are uploaded, to YouTube, every single minute. So, GO WATCH SOMETHING ELSE, AND FUCK OFF!|NJB's '' "The Dumbest Excuse for Bad Cities"''
|Keep your stupid fucking Americunt trucks OUT of my perfect utopia known as Europe! ''latest propaganda screed''
|People should give up, on North America, though. This is not doomerism, it's reality. If you have hope, for North America, you've come to the wrong channel. My content is, only, intended for people with the money, and means, to, permanently, relocate, from the US or Canada to somewhere in Europe. This is why I block my critics, rather than engage. My loyal fans will, gladly, defend me, against criticism, too.|NJB's [[Bluesky]] post directed at his critics in September 2023
|So? Nobody gives a fuck, if the US has some bike tunnels. The US is complete shit. All bike infrastructure, in the US, is a fucking joke. Minneapolis bike tunnels, can go fuck themselves, and you. You fucking Merikahn piece of shit. As an American, who lives in Europe, all of Europe is, literally, perfect. We have real bike tunnels, and, no mass shootings. If you still live in the US, fucking kill yourself, too.|Typical comment from an NJB fanboy directed at someone who disagrees with their master}}
{{Infobox person
|image = Idiot grifter scumbag.jpg
|powerword = Jason Slaughter
|occupation = [[YouTube]] ranter, writer, scam artist, male prostitute, propagandist
|gender = self-described "Cisgendered Male"
|years active = 2017-present
|nationality = [[Canadian]] cosplaying as a [[Dutchland|Dutchie]]
|website = [https://www.notjustbikes.com official propaganda site] [https://www.youtube.com/user/NotJustBikes JewTube channel]}}
'''NotJustBikes''' ([[Powerword]]: '''Jason Slaughter''') is an 80-year-old [[Canada|Cuntnadian]] billionaire [[Elon Musk|grifter]] with severe anger issues who became a refugee in [[Pervert|Amsterdam]] because he is a [[USI|selfish entitled scumbag]] and hates [[Toronto|the fake London]] with a burning passion. He is the ultimate cynical [[doomer]] and will quickly block you if you disagree with his hatred for North American public transport. As expected, NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. NJB fans are about as obnoxious and immature as [[MrEnter]] fans and the insane bootlickers of the equally deranged tyrant named [[Mike Chitwood]].

==History==
NotJustBikes was born in the fake London to a rich family. He inherited billions and used the money to travel around the world on sex tourism trips. He married a 30-year-old stripper at age 70. In 2017, NJB started making anti-Murican propaganda videos.

==Criminal record==
In March 2018, NJB became inspired by [[Dr. Phil|Mike Chitwood]] (who looks like an even more retarded version of Dr. Phil) to shoot up Toronto city hall. However, because [[Trudeau]] hates gunz and freedumb, NJB was forced to settle for angrily cursing out the councillors and then going on a stabbing rampage. Before security could remove him from the building, NJB had already bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. He became stateless in 2019 and then fraudulently obtained Dutch citizenship in 2023. The [[Geert Wilders]] regime hates the woke faggot Truedolt and therefore refuses to extradite NJB to Canaduh. Not even the Donald Trump regime with its love of mass incarceration wants to extradite and imprison NJB in an [[hell|Americunt federal prison]].

==Personality==
NJB has severe anger issues. Criticism or disagreement with him or his fanbase is not allowed. NJB and his fanboys falsely assume all of North America is a lost cause and will forever be one giant carbon copy of Houston. Their ignorant generalising of entire continents places polar opposite cities such as Phoenix and NYC in the same categories. In true [[internet tough guy]] fashion, NJB will pull a bait and switch whenever his lies are refuted. He even hates his own fans and will only respond to his fellow rich people who pay premium on [[Patreon]] to message him. NJB is a frequent user of [[Bluesky]]. NJB is a [[socialist]] despite being one of the wealthiest people alive. He is extremely selfish and uncharitable.

Unfortunately, since NJB is a grifter and master manipulator, he successfully lied and cheated his way to 15 million YouTube subscribers and millions of views on each of his propaganda videos. He acts like he's the pimp of the urban planning community and decides who deserves to be forgiven for their past misdeeds. Because [[JewTube]] and its stupid "algorithm" bullshit since 2019 has been rigged and biased in favour of whatever clickbait is designed to provoke outrage and fear, NJB has become the most popular and famous urban planning internet personality. Due to his love of censorship, NJB has never received any penalties for his lies and violations of the "misinformation" rule. Not even his video mindlessly bashing [[Houston]] and generalising all of North America as a carbon copy of Houston was flagged and taken down like it deserves. Meanwhile, the still-negative but lightyears better video by [[Philadelphia|Alan Fisher]] criticising [[Denver]] was taken down after being reported by NJB fanboy and angry Denver suburbanite Jason Spelts. NJB even blocked and sent death threats to fellow pro-censorship leftist [[Albuquerque|CityNerd]] because CityNerd hates Dallas with a burning passion but likes Houston for some obscure reason.

==Bigotry==
NJB is a racist who hates [[India|curry niggers]]. He is also a ravaging anti-Semite who hates [[Jooz]]. He permanently cut off all contact with his lesbian daughter because she re-settled in [[NYC|New Amsterdam]] (instead of the old Amsterdam) and married a Jewish [[Ausfag]] girl. NJB started a whole subreddit named r/fuckcars which has an admirable goal of criticising [[cancer|car culture]], but in practice is just an endless circle [[Randal O'Toole|jerk off in a jitney]] of repeating the same old liberal propaganda about North America being supposedly doomed.

NJB is close allies with neo-nazi supporter [[Hungary|Adam Something]] (aka Azov Nothing), a fake Marxist with similar extreme anger issues, hatred of MuRiCa, a sexual fetish for "[[gypsy|Roma People]]", and censoring of any disagreement. As expected, both NJB and Azov Nothing are [[Vaush]] fanboys and accepted as members of the [[BreadTube]] cult. Other BreadTube commies who have promoted NJB propaganda videos include [[Hbomberguy]], [[BLM|Legal Eagle]], and [[Philosophy Tube]].

Other YouTube channels that have completely sold out (such as [[AVGN]]) are NJB fanboys.

NJB hates poor people. Are you really surprised?

==Things he's stolen from other activists==
*The Breezewood meme, which first went viral in 2008, long before NJB infected the internet.
*The term "stroad" from StrongTowns, which started in 1985.
*Generalising and stereotyping.
*Fear of crime from every news media source
*Censorship
*Jerking off in a jitney, fugly appearance and anger issues from [[Randal O'Toole]]
*STDs
*Virginity of blonde chicks from [[Faux News]]
*Cynical doomerism
*Looking retarded from every [[Nazi|Florida sheriff]]
*E-begging
*Idolising [[Europe]] from [[ATTN:]]
*Vicious hatred for anything Murican from [[Reddit]]
*Obsession with transgenderism
*Obsession with [[negroes]] (though he hates them) from [[MSNBC]]
*The term "painted bike gutter" from Oh the Urbanity!
*Recognising that the fire department are just cops in different coloured trucks from [[GTA 5]]
*"[[In Minecraft]]" from [[South Park]]

==How to piss off NotJustBikes and his equally obnoxious fanbase==
*Remind them New York City exists and has good transit.
*Suggest [[truth|North America is not hopeless, and in fact is changing for the better]].
*Tell them to tone down the anger.
*Say Houston (though that city sucks too) is the best city ever.
*Call him a [[nazi|nationalist]].
*Tell any success story from North America or mention anything good happening there.
*Be even remotely positive or optimistic.
*Share links to videos by CityNerd or Alan Fisher.
*Suggest that the Netherlands is not a perfect country.
*Ask him, like, why, he uses, like, so many, unnecessary, commas, and, why, he, like, says, like, too, like, fucking, like, much, too.
*Tell him to act his age (83) instead of like a bratty teen girl.
*Be [[Jewish]] or [[Indian]].
*Be less wealthy than him.
*Remind him that [[fact|97% of people will never ever have the money or opportunity to move across an ocean and it's much much harder to make such a move than he suggests it is]].
*Ask him or his fanboys if they care at all about future generations.
*Tell him he displays the same characteristics as the [[MAGA]]ites he hates: older than 60, uneducated, white, lives in a bubble, paranoid, easily angered, insists on [[Burger King|having everything his way]] even when he knows he's objectively wrong, [[USI|thinks he's always right about everything]].
*Politely ask him not to interrupt you while you're trying to speak.
*Ask him how he became a refugee in a foreign country so easily and quickly.
*Ask him if his new passport is fake.
*Ask him how much he paid in bribes to become a Dutch citizen in less than 2 years.
*Tell him it's ignorant to generalise and stereotype.
*Use public transit in North America.
*Send him photos of missing middle housing in North America. Bonus points if the neighbourhood pictured is walkable.
*Tell the truth that cynical doomers are just as harmful to urbanist causes as car-addicted suburbanites have been.
*Compare him to [[Randal O'Toole]]
*Tell him that avoiding debates and blocking instead of engaging with critics makes you a coward.
*Tell him money can't buy happiness and there's more to life than money. Better yet, say that he wouldn't be angry 24/7 if money could buy happiness.
*Suggest that he see a therapist.
*Suggest that the real problem at hand is that NJB and his fanboys are brainwashed by sensationalist news media and live isolated in a bubble, and if they left their basements regularly they would see that North American is more than just a carbon copy of Houston.
*Ask him how he became a billionaire (hint: it wasn't through "hard work").
*Live anywhere west of the prime meridian.
*Remind him that Amsterdam was car-dependent at one point. Be advised, NJB and his fanboy army will certainly respond with the butthurt "but the US is worse!" argument.
*Ask him to cite sources.
*Show him any video by Oh the Urbanity!
*Show him this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqNiPVO5mAE
*Tell him his channel logo is lazily designed.
*Suggest that the solution to building passenger rail in North America is bipartisan support, not the "us vs. them" mentality.
*Call his gay lover Adam Something a nazi.
*Ask him how much he pays in taxes.
*Speak the truth that you are a coward if you decide to run away across an ocean instead of staying and fighting. Even better, state that people who want change have the obligation to stay and fight, and that running away makes the fight harder for everyone who doesn't have the option to leave.
*Ask where he got his plastic surgery.
*Tell him RMTransit makes better videos.
*Ask him where he convinced RMTransit to get weight loss surgery.
*Ask him why he brainwashed RMTransit into hating American light rail.
*Tell him to stop trying to corrupt RMTransit.
*Tell him he has privilege.
*Point out that for a non-American who hates MuRiCa with a burning passion, NJB sure exemplifies the American cultural values of anger, aggression, the "fuck you, got mine" mentality, and love of [[tranny|gender confusion]].
*Point out that selfsihly putting his own personal desires first at the expense of everyone else in North America by running away across an ocean like a coward was an act of rugged individualism.
*Call him a racist.
*Call him a [[hypocrite]].
*Ask him if he smokes weed.
*Ask him if he plays [[Minecraft]].
*Ask him how many women he's had sex with.
*Tell him he sounds similar to [[Tucker Carlson]].
*Invite him to a debate.
*Remind him that even the similarly nasty and arrogant [[Randal O'Toole]] is not afraid to debate his enemies.
*Say [[Elon Musk]] (though he's also an idiot and a grifter) is the best innovator.
*Ask him what type of home he lives in (hint: it's a single-family detached McMansion).
*Ask him how he got from Toronto to Amsterdam (hint: he flew in a private jet).
*Disagree with him or his fanboys.
*Tag him on social media.
*Ask him if he's really actually too busy to take messages or just hates peasants.
*Ask him what he's done to help the oppressed [[negroes]], [[gays]], [[trannies]], "mass shooting" victims and abortion seekers he pretends to care about when discussing how terrible the USA is.
*Ask him why he talks so damn slow.
*Ask him if there's anything he likes about North America.
*Report his stupid propaganda videos for misinformation.
*Refer to negroes/blacks with a lowercase b.
*Call him smug, arrogant or narcissistic.
*Show him photos of urban freeways in Amsterdam (they exist).
*Tell him [[Vancouver]] has the best local police department of any city in the world.
*Call him selfish, impatient or entitled.
*Say capitalism is better than socialism.
*Ask him if he voted for Geert Wilders.
*Imitate the calls of Canada geese.
*Fact check any of his lies.
*Speak the truth that large, low-density suburbs, cities and countries such as the USA and Canada are still capable of supporting public transit, bike lanes, walkable areas, and passenger rail.
*Remind him that the "jaywalking" is legal even in parts of the USA (such as NYC), while some non-American cities have laws against it too (such as Singapore).
*Ask him if he's ever donated to charitable causes.
*Ask him if he's had a heart attack or stroke yet.
*Use the abbreviation NJB and the fanboys will call you a nazi just because of one obscure gay nazi who murdered a Jewish talk show host and raped his corpse. Apparently, disagreeing with NJB makes you the new Hitler. Ironic considering NJB is a ravaging anti-Semite.
*Introduce them to people who live in small US college towns full time (there are millions).
*Remind them that countries outside North America have a housing crisis too.
*Ask him if a terminally angry CCP supporter from SoCal named ScramJett watches his videos.
*Show him photos of small US college towns that have cycling infrastructure and modeshare levels on par with Amsterdam, such as Greenville, SC (though Bob Jones University also sucks) and Davis, CA.
*Tell him to do better research for his propaganda videos.
*Ask him what real Dutch people think of his videos (spoiler alert: they hate him and want to deport his ass to Canada).
*Ask him if he got any STDs from decades of wild sex parties before he married a 30-year-old stripper.
*Tell him [[Tokyo]] has better public transport than Amsterdam.
*Tell him [[Belgium]] is a superior country to the Netherlands.
*Bring up the subject of income inequality.
*Create alt accounts to bypass the cowardly blocks he imposes to censor his critics.
*Ask him what he has done to help improve North American cities.
*Tell him he looks like the [[Hobo with a Shotgun]]
*Show them this article

== See Also ==

* [http://www.youtube.com/@NotJustBikes the propaganda source itself]
* [[Vaush]]
* [[Destiny]]
* [[Bluesky]]
* [[TheMysteriousMrEnter]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]

[[Category:People]]
{{Canada}}
{{sj}}
{{YouTube Ranters}}
{{ytseries}}
{{enemy}}
{{Timeline|Featured article August 24th & 25th, [[2014]]|[[MrEnter]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[James Foley]]}}
{{Timeline|Featured article May 15 and 16, [[2024]]|[[VidLii]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Battle For Dream Island]]}}
[[Category:People|Slaughter, Jason]]
[[Category:Crackers]]

Florida

2025-12-25T00:55:16Z

Crow caw: /* Imports */

{{spoiler|florida was recently assraped to death by yet another [[SANDYLOOTCREW|hurricane]]}}
[[Image:ShoweR_florida.jpg|thumb|Florida is known for its rain.]]
[[Image:FloridaFun.JPG|thumb|left|[[truth|Contrary to myth, Florida is actually a major cultural center]].]]
[[Image:Alligatorservice.jpg|thumb|[[Lies|Wildlife are extremely friendly there.]]]]
[[Image:Floridodo.jpg|thumb|After breakfast, take a nap on the kitchen floor.]]
[[Image:Crazed1.jpg|thumb|Same shit, different day]]

[[Image:Florida-ba.gif|thumb|The [[final solution]]]]

Once upon a time God decided to create a place where old jews and Republican spics could all live in relative harmony - so he made Florida, America's dick. Seriously, look at the shape of the state. It's in the shape of a flaccid penis. That should tell you enough. Of course God didn't expect anything of value to come from this colossal shithole, he just made it for the [[lulz]].

Right up there with [[China]], [[Nigeria]] and Eastern Europe, Florida's incorporation and fraud laws combine with a lack of cooperation with other states' investigations to create a safe haven for all sorts of predatory fucks with a front as legal businesses. Florida gains attention on the [[internets]] by being [[spam]] central. However, scamming in Florida has a long and sordid history that predates the Internet. Boca Raton once proudly proclaimed itself to be the telemarketing capital of the world with the joke that BR actually stood for Boiler Room. '''B'''ut it doesn't '''R'''eally matter, since everyone in Florida is '''B'''latantly '''R'''etarded.

It's not just spam, either. Huge numbers of pre-recorded telemarketing calls originate from Florida. Florida telemarketers can ignore the Federal TCPA that makes pre-recorded calls illegal, because the Florida AG protects, insulates, and accepts bribes from [[tele-marketers]].

Fake sweepstakes aimed at the elderly show up in your mailbox? Likely from Florida. A too-good-to-be-true vacation offer to DisneyWorld or the Caribbean? A Florida cut-and-run travel agency. When you watch late night TV, start counting how many infomercials for investments, work-at-home or other get-rich-quick schemes have you dealing with someone in Florida.

Clearwater, the home of the Church o' [[Scientology]], is located in Florida, only proving what dumb shits the [[retard|Floridites]] are for allowing them a foothold in the US.

Along with being shaped liek a [[retard|retard's]] [[faggot|dildo]] ([[PROTIP]]: It used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing toward Britfags, until all the [[old people]] moved down into it and made it hang limp), Florida is well known as Cape Dementia, the land of the dead, the cemetery without down payment, and a paradise for the retired dying waste that are [[babyfuck|baby]] [[goatse|boomers]]. The state is has [[over nine thousand]] seniors, which make it a fucking [[Snapesnogger|nightmare]] to drive anywhere (and it's not like there are any viable public transit options), maneuver a cart through [[7-11|Walmart]] or even walk down the street. You can be sure if you live here that you will get to see many-a grey-haired fucker die. Meanwhile, in North Florida, the Administrative Wing, there are lots of [[drugs]] to smoke, and even though North Florida has a more hellishly hot climate than even [[Miami]], many choose to settle there to become state bureaucratic commandants and take care of everybody real good.

When terrorists chose to attack America, they headed straight for the Huffman Aviation flight school in Venice, Florida. The school is run by a superjew named Rudi Dekkers. Who else would [[retard|train them to fly without training them to land]]?

Although most [[fascism|American political thinkers]] agree on the necessity of eventually solving "The Florida Question," there remains disagreement on how best to go about it. While some advocate sealing the border, performing a tactical nuclear strike on the state's major urban centers, and then waiting for the inhabitants to [[death|die]] off over the course of time, groups like the [[furries|ASPCA]] have argued that Floridians may possess an [[Bayeux Tapestry|archaic]] form of self-awareness, thus raising [[abortion|ethical questions]] about such methods.

Fortunately, the Florida question will be solved by global warming, as all it will take is two more inches of rising ocean to drown this foul nest of old folk's homes and retard breeding forever.

Good news, [[pain|sick fucks]]: [[bestiality]] is not [[banned|illegal]] in Florida.

Florida is also home to [[drug|oxycontin]] where it was invented [[at least 100 years ago]] by [[Jews]] hoping they could destroy the pure white 11 toed Aryan population that resides only in the deep hill country of Appalachia. Fifty of the top Fifty doctors who prescribe the most oxycontin reside in the state of Florida, making Florida the premier source of hillbilly heroin. And with their city Lakeland,FL where most niggers reside and
smoke mad blunts and heroin every day, they wanna have sex with your mom and fuck you and make statements claiming that your gay because you don't have
fifty bucks to fuck you up. And since most niggers are sick fucks in florida, you niggers can suck dick.

It's also truly proven that it's sick fuck city, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside (along with their idol Grady Judd) and people who disagree with your statements, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside in and most people get sexually harassed and fucked over. [[Anonymous|Judge us]] and we'll prove you're wrong, home to the most fucked up trolls and we'll shoot your ass and [[Retard|hope]] your mom. We do not forgive our hate against Florida, [[English#The_English_Language|We]] will never forget, [[Nigger#Communication|Nevar]] forget.

And if you're one of those [[Fag|emo kids]] who live in the state, you are evil, gay, smoke 50 blunts, have threesomes everyday, get your ass beat up by school cops, killed by cops in Tampa, publicly humiliated by Grady Judd, arrested by the freedom of speech-hating sheriff offices of Polk and Volusia Counties, and you can all die in hell. Enjoy your fucked up life in the state and in the evil city. You sick fucks.

==Weather==

Hot with a 100% chance of being [[Nigger|mugged]] in the summer. The average temperature in Florida in the summer is hotter than your mom fucking with Fidel Castro in a Cuban sandwich press.

Due to being the second hottest state, the men here are incredibly fucking smelly. Women in Florida like that though, due to being retarded fucking cunts who have mistaken what is truly "hot"

It's as cold as Ditchrot somehow in the winter.

Also it's humid as hell there too since the whole place is a bigger, wetter hole than your mother's pussy and the sun shines all the fucking time. Seriously, what normal people call "walking" is "swimming" in Florida. If you want to dry off, jump on a lake, unless you're afraid of man-eating crocodilians, murderous vipers, and infectious algae like the pussy you are.

==People of Florida==
[[Image:mugshot.png|thumb|center|600px|[http://www.google.com.hk/search?q=florida+mugshots Native Floridians in their natural habitat]]] 
{|style="margin: auto;"
|<center><youtube>DvvgzQ-Itog</youtube></center>
|}

==Economy==
[[Image:Florida-bucketoffail.jpg|thumb|[[Yes|Does Florida suck big dicks?]]]]
===Exports===
*Crystal Meth
*Flight Trained Terrorist
*Broke tourist coming home from Disney World
*Retarded Politicians
*E. Coli Infected Produce
*Guatemalan Babies
*[[White trash]] [[faggots]]
*[[White trash|Trailor Park Princesses]]
*Young [[Mangina|manginas]]
*Fear of crime
*Police brutality
*Grady Judd, the failed comedian turned dictator of Polk County
*Mike Chitwood (Shitwood), the [[liberal]] version of Judd who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].
*Police presence in [[prisons|schools]]
*FREEDUMB!!
*Culture wars
*Sex offenders
*Cuban commies
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Child abuse
*Police bootlickers
*[[Action 52]]
*Bloodthirsty killers known as sheriffs
*Raging maniac fugly ass bald bitches and whiny brat trolls violently crusading for gun control as a publicity stunt taking advantage of a tragedy to get on TV
*The nation's highest rates of police brutality and pedestrians killed by drivers
*Failed presidential candidates
*DIDNY WORL!

===Imports===
*[[Drugs]]
*Old People
*Mexicans and Cubans
*[[Retards|Tourists]]
*[[Your mom|Your mom]]
*Police [[bullshit|training and tactics]] from an obscure organisation in [[Jew Nersey]]
*Lethal injection drugs from [[Connecticut]], despite CT long abolishing its state-level death penalty
*[[Jew|Timeshare scam artists]]
*Death row inmates outsourced by [[California|Adolf Newsom]]
*[[Hitler|Gas chambers]] from Nazi Germany.
*Donald Trump
*Beheading from [[Saudi Arabia]]
*MAGAites
*Car-addicted suburbanites
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Police bootlickers
*NIMBYs
*[[Scum|Real estate investors]]
*New Yorkers
*School bullies
*Tax evaders
*5-metre long pythons
*Censorship
*Grifters
*Canadian architects [[fail|whose condo buildings can't even stay up]]
*Chinks and Kikes
*Niggers
*Moar New Yorkers!

== Traditions of Florida ==
*[[Burn a Koran Day]]
*Sex offender shuffle
*Police brutality
*[[Lie|Freedom]]
*Running over pedestrians and peaceful protestors
*Child murder
*Violently arresting toddlers
*Ableism
*RAGE!!!
*[[scam|Timeshares]]
*Getting epicly roasted by [[John Oliver]]
*Eating shit
*Gassing Jews 75 years after the Nazis did
*Pretending to care about anti-semitism just to virtue signal and threaten your enemies
*Mass incarceration
*[[Death penalty]] via gas chambers (as in [[Nazi Germany]], even for non-homicide crimes (as in [[Iran]]), because [[North Korea|fuck human rights]].
*Jerking off to the stupid cringe news media attention whoring press conferences of Grady Judd (if you're a MAGAite) or Mike Shitwood (if you're a shitlib)
*[[Randal O'Toole|Jerking off in a jitney]]

==Laws==
Floridians are very proud of their Florida Statutes.

===Sunshine Laws===
Basically news journalists can demand arrest records and write whatever the fuck they want. [[Old Media]] exploits this fact by dramatically and incorrectly reporting on things that will trigger [[Conservatism|consericucks]] and [[Liberalism|libtards]]. They run lots of "Florida Man" articles, making the word Florida Man become synonymous with meth-addicted [[redneck]]s who do stupid shit and get arrested.

===Stand Your Ground===
Known to the locals as a "Nigger Huntin' License," the Stand Your Ground law allows white people to get away with murder, as long as the "victim" is a [[Not_Black_people|nigger]]. Exceptions are made for some [[spics]] like George Zimmerman, the brave hero who shot down an unarmed black teen named [[Trayvon Martin]]. Zimmerman is a hero to many [[White_Nationalism|inbred redneck faggots who think demographic shifts are white genocide]]. Florida was the first state to write such a law, inspiring many other states in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts]] to do the same.

== Aliens hate Florida ==
<center><youtube>A8zsdIQe9UQ</youtube></center>

==Notable Floridians and Related Articles==
[[Image:Nukeflorida.jpg|thumb|There's an idea.]]
[[File:Floridaman.png|thumb]]
[[File:Man vs gator0.jpg|thumb]]
*[[Alligator]]s
*[[Alec Difrawi]]
*[[Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto]] - Originally of [[Jew York|Staten Island, New York]], but recently moved to America's Wang in an obvious political publicity stunt.
*[[Blueshinewolf]]
*[[Bob Allen]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[¡Jeb!|Jeb Bush]]
*[[Danny]]
*[[Retard|David Hogg]] - raging lunatic and news media attention whore
*[[Destiny]] - biggest scumbag on the internet
*[[Disney|Disney World]]
*[[Donald Buffkin]]
*[[Donald Trump]]
*[[Doopie DoOver]] Trailor Park Princess and [[Internet poor|Notorious E-Begger]]
*[[DJ Skeptik]]
*[[Dyke|Emma Gonzales]] - fugly ass bald psychopath cunt and another news media attention whore
*[[Fort Lauderdale]]- World's boomer capital
*[[Grady Judd]] - failed comedian turned dictator of [[North Korea|Polk County]]
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - the liberal version of Judd in [[Hell|Volusia County]]
*Wayne Ivey - another "sheriff" who masturbates to ISIS beheading videos on gore websites
*[[Trayvon Martin|George Zimmerman]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[billionaire|Jess Morris]] - sexy but also a rich sociopath
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[JoshU2uber]]
*[[Kelly Kalogerakos]]
*[[Libertarian Fox]]
*[[Mark Foley]]
*[[Miami]]
*[[Niggers|Negroes]]
*[[Old people]]
*[[Pedobear]]
*[[Pulse Nightclub Massacre]] - Happened here.
*[[Ryulong]]
*Simone Gold - fake doctor and [[anti-vaxxer]]
*[[Sora Del Corazon]] - Cuban Sonicfag that lives in Florida.
*[[SuperMarioLogan]] - A very lulzy YouTuber who plays with plushies and doxxed his house so his "fans" can come over.
*[[Tablecow]]
*[[Violence|Shayla A. Muldrow]]
*[[The Mulberry Eight]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]] - Was pwned here in [[2012]].
*[[Satan]]
*[[Spics]]
*[[Terri Schiavo]]
*[[The Florida Tweenie Rapists]]
*[[University of Florida Taser incident]]
*[[Nicolas Cruz]]
*[[Connor Larramore]] - A babyfur retard [[BPD|annoying]] scizo who's obsessed with poly relationships, who's also a noteable ween/white knight to [[Keegan Salisbury]].
*[[Ass|Brittany Tareco]] - sexy fishing champion
*[[Whore|Vicky Stark]] - 50-year-old [[OnlyFans]] slut who's had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery

== External links ==
*[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2004-07-19-spam-central_x.htm USA Today: Florida delivers sunshine and spam.]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050213091710/http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/fred_grimm/5964205.htm?1c Bogus Boca.]
 
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 16 & July 17, [[2013]]|[[Racism]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[s4s/|/s4s/]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article August 7 & August 8, [[2024]]|[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Cocaine]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 19 & 20, [[2025]]|[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Turkey Tom]]}}

Florida

2025-12-25T00:54:36Z

Crow caw: /* Traditions of Florida */

{{spoiler|florida was recently assraped to death by yet another [[SANDYLOOTCREW|hurricane]]}}
[[Image:ShoweR_florida.jpg|thumb|Florida is known for its rain.]]
[[Image:FloridaFun.JPG|thumb|left|[[truth|Contrary to myth, Florida is actually a major cultural center]].]]
[[Image:Alligatorservice.jpg|thumb|[[Lies|Wildlife are extremely friendly there.]]]]
[[Image:Floridodo.jpg|thumb|After breakfast, take a nap on the kitchen floor.]]
[[Image:Crazed1.jpg|thumb|Same shit, different day]]

[[Image:Florida-ba.gif|thumb|The [[final solution]]]]

Once upon a time God decided to create a place where old jews and Republican spics could all live in relative harmony - so he made Florida, America's dick. Seriously, look at the shape of the state. It's in the shape of a flaccid penis. That should tell you enough. Of course God didn't expect anything of value to come from this colossal shithole, he just made it for the [[lulz]].

Right up there with [[China]], [[Nigeria]] and Eastern Europe, Florida's incorporation and fraud laws combine with a lack of cooperation with other states' investigations to create a safe haven for all sorts of predatory fucks with a front as legal businesses. Florida gains attention on the [[internets]] by being [[spam]] central. However, scamming in Florida has a long and sordid history that predates the Internet. Boca Raton once proudly proclaimed itself to be the telemarketing capital of the world with the joke that BR actually stood for Boiler Room. '''B'''ut it doesn't '''R'''eally matter, since everyone in Florida is '''B'''latantly '''R'''etarded.

It's not just spam, either. Huge numbers of pre-recorded telemarketing calls originate from Florida. Florida telemarketers can ignore the Federal TCPA that makes pre-recorded calls illegal, because the Florida AG protects, insulates, and accepts bribes from [[tele-marketers]].

Fake sweepstakes aimed at the elderly show up in your mailbox? Likely from Florida. A too-good-to-be-true vacation offer to DisneyWorld or the Caribbean? A Florida cut-and-run travel agency. When you watch late night TV, start counting how many infomercials for investments, work-at-home or other get-rich-quick schemes have you dealing with someone in Florida.

Clearwater, the home of the Church o' [[Scientology]], is located in Florida, only proving what dumb shits the [[retard|Floridites]] are for allowing them a foothold in the US.

Along with being shaped liek a [[retard|retard's]] [[faggot|dildo]] ([[PROTIP]]: It used to be shaped like an erect penis pointing toward Britfags, until all the [[old people]] moved down into it and made it hang limp), Florida is well known as Cape Dementia, the land of the dead, the cemetery without down payment, and a paradise for the retired dying waste that are [[babyfuck|baby]] [[goatse|boomers]]. The state is has [[over nine thousand]] seniors, which make it a fucking [[Snapesnogger|nightmare]] to drive anywhere (and it's not like there are any viable public transit options), maneuver a cart through [[7-11|Walmart]] or even walk down the street. You can be sure if you live here that you will get to see many-a grey-haired fucker die. Meanwhile, in North Florida, the Administrative Wing, there are lots of [[drugs]] to smoke, and even though North Florida has a more hellishly hot climate than even [[Miami]], many choose to settle there to become state bureaucratic commandants and take care of everybody real good.

When terrorists chose to attack America, they headed straight for the Huffman Aviation flight school in Venice, Florida. The school is run by a superjew named Rudi Dekkers. Who else would [[retard|train them to fly without training them to land]]?

Although most [[fascism|American political thinkers]] agree on the necessity of eventually solving "The Florida Question," there remains disagreement on how best to go about it. While some advocate sealing the border, performing a tactical nuclear strike on the state's major urban centers, and then waiting for the inhabitants to [[death|die]] off over the course of time, groups like the [[furries|ASPCA]] have argued that Floridians may possess an [[Bayeux Tapestry|archaic]] form of self-awareness, thus raising [[abortion|ethical questions]] about such methods.

Fortunately, the Florida question will be solved by global warming, as all it will take is two more inches of rising ocean to drown this foul nest of old folk's homes and retard breeding forever.

Good news, [[pain|sick fucks]]: [[bestiality]] is not [[banned|illegal]] in Florida.

Florida is also home to [[drug|oxycontin]] where it was invented [[at least 100 years ago]] by [[Jews]] hoping they could destroy the pure white 11 toed Aryan population that resides only in the deep hill country of Appalachia. Fifty of the top Fifty doctors who prescribe the most oxycontin reside in the state of Florida, making Florida the premier source of hillbilly heroin. And with their city Lakeland,FL where most niggers reside and
smoke mad blunts and heroin every day, they wanna have sex with your mom and fuck you and make statements claiming that your gay because you don't have
fifty bucks to fuck you up. And since most niggers are sick fucks in florida, you niggers can suck dick.

It's also truly proven that it's sick fuck city, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside (along with their idol Grady Judd) and people who disagree with your statements, Lakeland is where most shit talkers reside in and most people get sexually harassed and fucked over. [[Anonymous|Judge us]] and we'll prove you're wrong, home to the most fucked up trolls and we'll shoot your ass and [[Retard|hope]] your mom. We do not forgive our hate against Florida, [[English#The_English_Language|We]] will never forget, [[Nigger#Communication|Nevar]] forget.

And if you're one of those [[Fag|emo kids]] who live in the state, you are evil, gay, smoke 50 blunts, have threesomes everyday, get your ass beat up by school cops, killed by cops in Tampa, publicly humiliated by Grady Judd, arrested by the freedom of speech-hating sheriff offices of Polk and Volusia Counties, and you can all die in hell. Enjoy your fucked up life in the state and in the evil city. You sick fucks.

==Weather==

Hot with a 100% chance of being [[Nigger|mugged]] in the summer. The average temperature in Florida in the summer is hotter than your mom fucking with Fidel Castro in a Cuban sandwich press.

Due to being the second hottest state, the men here are incredibly fucking smelly. Women in Florida like that though, due to being retarded fucking cunts who have mistaken what is truly "hot"

It's as cold as Ditchrot somehow in the winter.

Also it's humid as hell there too since the whole place is a bigger, wetter hole than your mother's pussy and the sun shines all the fucking time. Seriously, what normal people call "walking" is "swimming" in Florida. If you want to dry off, jump on a lake, unless you're afraid of man-eating crocodilians, murderous vipers, and infectious algae like the pussy you are.

==People of Florida==
[[Image:mugshot.png|thumb|center|600px|[http://www.google.com.hk/search?q=florida+mugshots Native Floridians in their natural habitat]]] 
{|style="margin: auto;"
|<center><youtube>DvvgzQ-Itog</youtube></center>
|}

==Economy==
[[Image:Florida-bucketoffail.jpg|thumb|[[Yes|Does Florida suck big dicks?]]]]
===Exports===
*Crystal Meth
*Flight Trained Terrorist
*Broke tourist coming home from Disney World
*Retarded Politicians
*E. Coli Infected Produce
*Guatemalan Babies
*[[White trash]] [[faggots]]
*[[White trash|Trailor Park Princesses]]
*Young [[Mangina|manginas]]
*Fear of crime
*Police brutality
*Grady Judd, the failed comedian turned dictator of Polk County
*Mike Chitwood (Shitwood), the [[liberal]] version of Judd who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].
*Police presence in [[prisons|schools]]
*FREEDUMB!!
*Culture wars
*Sex offenders
*Cuban commies
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Child abuse
*Police bootlickers
*[[Action 52]]
*Bloodthirsty killers known as sheriffs
*Raging maniac fugly ass bald bitches and whiny brat trolls violently crusading for gun control as a publicity stunt taking advantage of a tragedy to get on TV
*The nation's highest rates of police brutality and pedestrians killed by drivers
*Failed presidential candidates
*DIDNY WORL!

===Imports===
*[[Drugs]]
*Old People
*Mexicans and Cubans
*[[Retards|Tourists]]
*[[Your mom|Your mom]]
*Police [[bullshit|training and tactics]] from an obscure organisation in [[Jew Nersey]]
*Lethal injection drugs from [[Connecticut]], despite CT long abolishing its state-level death penalty
*Death row inmates outsourced by [[California|Adolf Newsom]]
*[[Hitler|Gas chambers]] from Nazi Germany.
*Donald Trump
*Beheading from [[Saudi Arabia]]
*MAGAites
*Car-addicted suburbanites
*Oversensitive people who can't stand criticism
*Police bootlickers
*NIMBYs
*[[Scum|Real estate investors]]
*New Yorkers
*School bullies
*Tax evaders
*5-metre long pythons
*Grifters
*Canadian architects [[fail|whose condo buildings can't even stay up]]
*Chinks and Kikes
*Niggers
*Moar New Yorkers!

== Traditions of Florida ==
*[[Burn a Koran Day]]
*Sex offender shuffle
*Police brutality
*[[Lie|Freedom]]
*Running over pedestrians and peaceful protestors
*Child murder
*Violently arresting toddlers
*Ableism
*RAGE!!!
*[[scam|Timeshares]]
*Getting epicly roasted by [[John Oliver]]
*Eating shit
*Gassing Jews 75 years after the Nazis did
*Pretending to care about anti-semitism just to virtue signal and threaten your enemies
*Mass incarceration
*[[Death penalty]] via gas chambers (as in [[Nazi Germany]], even for non-homicide crimes (as in [[Iran]]), because [[North Korea|fuck human rights]].
*Jerking off to the stupid cringe news media attention whoring press conferences of Grady Judd (if you're a MAGAite) or Mike Shitwood (if you're a shitlib)
*[[Randal O'Toole|Jerking off in a jitney]]

==Laws==
Floridians are very proud of their Florida Statutes.

===Sunshine Laws===
Basically news journalists can demand arrest records and write whatever the fuck they want. [[Old Media]] exploits this fact by dramatically and incorrectly reporting on things that will trigger [[Conservatism|consericucks]] and [[Liberalism|libtards]]. They run lots of "Florida Man" articles, making the word Florida Man become synonymous with meth-addicted [[redneck]]s who do stupid shit and get arrested.

===Stand Your Ground===
Known to the locals as a "Nigger Huntin' License," the Stand Your Ground law allows white people to get away with murder, as long as the "victim" is a [[Not_Black_people|nigger]]. Exceptions are made for some [[spics]] like George Zimmerman, the brave hero who shot down an unarmed black teen named [[Trayvon Martin]]. Zimmerman is a hero to many [[White_Nationalism|inbred redneck faggots who think demographic shifts are white genocide]]. Florida was the first state to write such a law, inspiring many other states in the [[Jewnited States of Americunts]] to do the same.

== Aliens hate Florida ==
<center><youtube>A8zsdIQe9UQ</youtube></center>

==Notable Floridians and Related Articles==
[[Image:Nukeflorida.jpg|thumb|There's an idea.]]
[[File:Floridaman.png|thumb]]
[[File:Man vs gator0.jpg|thumb]]
*[[Alligator]]s
*[[Alec Difrawi]]
*[[Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto]] - Originally of [[Jew York|Staten Island, New York]], but recently moved to America's Wang in an obvious political publicity stunt.
*[[Blueshinewolf]]
*[[Bob Allen]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[¡Jeb!|Jeb Bush]]
*[[Danny]]
*[[Retard|David Hogg]] - raging lunatic and news media attention whore
*[[Destiny]] - biggest scumbag on the internet
*[[Disney|Disney World]]
*[[Donald Buffkin]]
*[[Donald Trump]]
*[[Doopie DoOver]] Trailor Park Princess and [[Internet poor|Notorious E-Begger]]
*[[DJ Skeptik]]
*[[Dyke|Emma Gonzales]] - fugly ass bald psychopath cunt and another news media attention whore
*[[Fort Lauderdale]]- World's boomer capital
*[[Grady Judd]] - failed comedian turned dictator of [[North Korea|Polk County]]
*[[Mike Chitwood]] - the liberal version of Judd in [[Hell|Volusia County]]
*Wayne Ivey - another "sheriff" who masturbates to ISIS beheading videos on gore websites
*[[Trayvon Martin|George Zimmerman]]
*[[Jack Thompson]]
*[[billionaire|Jess Morris]] - sexy but also a rich sociopath
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[JoshU2uber]]
*[[Kelly Kalogerakos]]
*[[Libertarian Fox]]
*[[Mark Foley]]
*[[Miami]]
*[[Niggers|Negroes]]
*[[Old people]]
*[[Pedobear]]
*[[Pulse Nightclub Massacre]] - Happened here.
*[[Ryulong]]
*Simone Gold - fake doctor and [[anti-vaxxer]]
*[[Sora Del Corazon]] - Cuban Sonicfag that lives in Florida.
*[[SuperMarioLogan]] - A very lulzy YouTuber who plays with plushies and doxxed his house so his "fans" can come over.
*[[Tablecow]]
*[[Violence|Shayla A. Muldrow]]
*[[The Mulberry Eight]]
*[[Trayvon Martin]] - Was pwned here in [[2012]].
*[[Satan]]
*[[Spics]]
*[[Terri Schiavo]]
*[[The Florida Tweenie Rapists]]
*[[University of Florida Taser incident]]
*[[Nicolas Cruz]]
*[[Connor Larramore]] - A babyfur retard [[BPD|annoying]] scizo who's obsessed with poly relationships, who's also a noteable ween/white knight to [[Keegan Salisbury]].
*[[Ass|Brittany Tareco]] - sexy fishing champion
*[[Whore|Vicky Stark]] - 50-year-old [[OnlyFans]] slut who's had a ridiculous amount of plastic surgery

== External links ==
*[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/internetprivacy/2004-07-19-spam-central_x.htm USA Today: Florida delivers sunshine and spam.]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20050213091710/http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/fred_grimm/5964205.htm?1c Bogus Boca.]
 
{{Unitedstates}}
[[Category:Locations]]
{{Timeline|Featured article July 16 & July 17, [[2013]]|[[Racism]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[s4s/|/s4s/]]}}

{{Timeline|Featured article August 7 & August 8, [[2024]]|[[Axel Muganwa Rudakubana]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Cocaine]]}}

{{timeline|Article of the Now June 19 & 20, [[2025]]|[[Jehovah's Witnesses]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Turkey Tom]]}}

Randal O'Toole

2025-12-25T00:53:46Z

Crow caw: fuck njb and randy

{{crap}}
Randal O'Toole (aka Scandal O'Fool) is a fugly-ass car-addicted suburbanite Americunt, grifter, serial liar, anti-public transit propagandist, and [[sick fuck]] who jerks off in a jitney. He tries to hide his identity like a coward using the pretentious nickname "[[USI|The Antiplanner]]". He is essentially the same as [[NotJustBikes]] except with different views. Randal O'Toole looks very similar to [[Florida|Mike Chitwood]], who looks like an even more retarded version of [[Dr. Phil]].

In recent years, Scandal O'Fool's blog has been overrun by an equally hateful, angry obnoxious brainwashed uneducated basement-dwelling [[NotJustBikes]] fanboy named [[Hitler|Systematicvisionary]] from [[China|Germany]] (obvious bot!) who repeats the same old [[Iran|death to America]] talking points as his idol NJB. Systematicvisionary is also obscenely wealthy like his idol NJB and hates everything Murica does, even if it's something good. Apparently, passenger rail is always bad when Murica does it but good when China does it. According to Randal and Systematicvisionary alike, there is no middle ground; you're either a cynical doomer or a car-addicted suburbanite NIMBY. [[Lazy|Forget about advocating for change at home!]]

==External Links==
1. The propaganda source itself <ref>http://ti.org/antiplanner</ref>

Faux News

2025-12-25T00:40:50Z

Crow caw: /* Typical Fox Reporters, Propaganda Contributors */

:''Not to be confused with [[Fake News]]''
[[File:propaganda_foxnews.jpg|thumb|The Official News Channel of the Homeland]]
[[File:SheepleUSA.jpg|thumb|A typical [[retard|Fox News viewer]].]]
[[File:B-ill_orly.jpg|thumb|[[Billo The Clown]] lurking on /[[b]]/.]]
[[File:Fox_News_experiencing_fail.JPG|thumb|Typical Faux News broadcast.]]
[[File:CAMWHORE.jpg|thumb|Megyn Kelly, Camwhore?]]
[[File:Faux_news_geography_fail1.PNG|thumb|Fox News fails geography]]

{{quote|The most powerful people on the Internet don't work for Microsoft, Google or the government. Rather, they're a bunch of antisocial, foul-mouthed, clever nerds who congregate at a [[facepalm|largely unknown]] Web site called 4chan.org.|Faux News, about [[4chan]], 3,51[http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/04/08/4chan-rude-raunchy-underbelly-internet/ srsly].}}

'''Faux News''' (also known as '''Fox Noise''', ''' Goebbels Nazi Propaganda''', '''Fox Snooze''', '''Fascist Obnoxious Xenophobes''', '''Fixed News''', '''Cocks News''', '''Fox [[Jew]]s''', '''[[Republican|GOP]] TV''', '''PraAAAISE DE [[Satan|LAwd]]''', '''[[W|Our Leader]]'s Glorious Official Republican Government News Network''' variations of these names or, by its [[gullible|cult]] [[Christian|worshipers]], '''Fox News''') is a comedy network for [[gullible]] [[Retards|Republicans]], [[white trash]], slutty blonde [[bitches]], [[Randal O'Toole]], [[Trump]] worshippers, [[liberals]] who want material for their next social media rant, retired people, soldiers, and [[13-year-old boys]]. Countless blogs and political commentary websites erupt into debate over the latest musings of that [[shemale]] [[Ann Coulter]]. It is now popularly known that [[MSNBC]] is now the primary source for [[furries|Furfags]], seeing that Faux nooz is filled with right wing [[ass-hats]] that oppress sexual tendencies and thoughts that they have (despite stacking panels full of sexy blonde chicks) and express [[uber]] uselessness over it. Not surprisingly, these reporters all believe the myth that "crime is out of control!" and lick the boots of [[pigs]].

It is rumored that the new logo of Fox News will be a triptych of the Virgin Mary jizzing in a glass of Miller Lite while shoving a potato up her cunt. Of course she will be blonde like the Fox girls.

[[Christianhillbilly]] gets his [[facts]] from Fox News ([[moar]] liek Fox JEWs, [[amirite]]?). [[Some argue]] that [[Rupert Murdoch]] is in fact Jew (and everyone acknowledges that he serves Zionist interests), and [[Jews did WTC|did WTC]] to generate [[Lulz|lulzy]] footage for his news empire to replay [[over 9000]] times in any given week. [[terrorists|Foreigners]] and [[Noam Chomsky]] hate Fox News because Fox covers [[liberals]] and [[terrorists]] getting [[raped]] by real men with guns and sexy blonde chicks. [[some argue|Supporters of Fox argue]] that the network simply reports the rape, and allows its viewers to decide if the victims were [[asking for it]].

Faux News has been [[Science|scientifically proven]] to increase viewer stupidity.

==Typical Fox Reporters, Propaganda Contributors==
<center><youtube>srHpjDL6-ZM</youtube></center>
*Shepard Smith, [[IRL]] self-hating''' semi-closeted homosexual'''

*Greta Van Susteren, [[Scientologist]]. [[I see what you did there|Un'''clear''']] if Greta knows about [[Xenu]] or the Wall of Fire.

*Oliver North, war criminal and a member of the US military. But I repeat myself.

*[[Sean Hannity]]: Irish fuckface who invented the Paddy wagon move (Forcing a 5-year old boy to sing "Danny Boy" while fisting his ass into a greenish mush) see friendship between Hannity and well-known New Jersey white supremacist radio host [[Hal Turner]] [http://archive.fo/3ctk]

*[[Phil Shuman]][http://archive.fo/YFpu7]: Thinks raiding Habbo Hotel and spoiling Harry Potter constitutes an [[Internet Hate Machine]]

*<s>[[Bill O'Reilly]], loves to [[fuck]] his co-workers while telling them to "shut up ..or put up" Also a douche. Has recently become an accessory to [[Abortion|murder]].</s> [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/bill-o-reilly-reportedly-out-fox-news-n748236 LOL NOPE!]

*[[Sarah Palin]]: Hired solely for the [[lulz]]. And the [[tits]]. Mostly the [[tits]].

*<s>[[Glenn Beck]] a rapist/murderer back in 1990, openly calls 4chan a leftist pedophile network and linked 4chan to Obama on his paranoid chalk board theories. Also known as the lead singer of the hair-metal band "Glönn Böck."</s> LOL [http://archive.fo/XgpFb FIRED]

*<s>[[Rachel Marsden]]</s> LOL FIRED

*[[Michelle Malkin]], the hot-air anchor baby self-hating pigcunt [[Philippines|Asian]]

*[[Ann Coulter]], You can't call her a cunt, cause she has a dick. Frustrating.

*[[Goronchev]]

*HOLY SHIT! They hired [[Karl Rove]]. No, [[srsly]].

*[[Dead|Alan Colmes]], token liberal and [[Jew]]

*[[Spic|Geraldo Rivera]]

*[[NotJustBikes|Tucker Carlson]]

*some random blonde bitch

==Examples of Fox News Logic==
[[File:Mooniteexpert.jpg|thumb|Is that a bomb strapped to his chest?]]
[[File:Domesticterrorism.jpg|thumb|Fox has strange [[gay|bed-fellows]].]]
[[File:Foxnewscospiracttheoristsdemo.jpg|thumb|[[uncyclopedia|Oh lawls we're clever.]]]]
[[File:Foxsex1.jpg|frame|none|Not shooped. Srsly.]]
* [[Trump]] is literally Jesus Christ.
* [[Lie|Crime is out of control!]] Proof? A few fake fabricated personal anecdotes on social media.
* [[Pigs]] are sacred and can do no wrong, not even [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].
* [[California]] is literally [[North Korea]], while [[Florida]] is the sacred cow.
* [[Anonymous]] is a gang of [[hackers on steroids]]: internet terrorists, convening within a [[4chan|top-secret site]] in order to more effectively [[exploding Van|blow up yellow vans]]. You must [[buy a dog]], close your curtains and install phone tracing and a new security system to prevent this.
* [[Heath Ledger]] committed suicide because he either watched the South Carolina Debates, was depressed about the drop in the stock market, or was just "weird."[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/01/23/gibson-mocks-ledger/]
* [[ATHF Terrorist Attack|AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE]] IS TERRORISM! [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,249110,00.html]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] is not racist, nor biased; but rather, hilarious!? (correction: Fox Inc. worst mistake).
*[[Osama Bin Laden]] did [[WTC]], NOT [[JEWS DID WTC|Jews]]. (This aside, Osama is actually a Jew too [[LOL]])
*[[Fred Phelps]] is an evil man, yet [[gays]] are sub-human creatures that must be lynched.
*[[Nintendo DS]] is used by child molesters who lure children into their picto-chat sessions while driving, to rape them.
*[[PSP]] is high powered computer that gets porn out of thin air, and is used in school!11
*Fox News attempted humor with [[The Half Hour News Hour]] and [[fail]]ed.
*If you are an American Presidential Candidate, and you want to prove your patriotism by not wearing an American flag pin, you are a terrorist.
*Mass Effect has full nudity, graphic [[pr0n]] and deserves an AO rating, because the woman who didn't play the game [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0kdm7fg804 believes it]. Also, there are chainsaws in GTA IV takes 200+ hours to complete, because the man who didn't play the game said so.
*Making fists with your fellow black person and putting them together is considered a TERRORIST FIST JAB and is a bigger threat to America than [[B|cancer]] and [[diabeetus]] combined.
*Raping sexy blonde girls is ok when a straight white man does it.
*Take your kids to Hooters or Twin Peaks, but never a [[tranny|drag show]]
*The [[Newgrounds]] Torture Game 2 is disgusting, Melissa, and will make kids immune to physical pain and go kill anyone they want.
*[[Happy Mexican Lady Without Context|Post a photo without context]]; leave readers to figure that one out on their own.

==Fox News versus Anonymous==

''See [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] and [[The Incident]].''

== Sean Hannity vs Robert Gibbs ==
<center><youtube>Zgn6rjGbp0c</youtube></center>

{{quote| [[No u]]! Let's change the subject. [[No u]]!}}
If this is the best we can throw at them, then it's clear why these pricks prevail.

== Fox [[Fail|tries]] to shield Sarah Palin from booing crowd ==
[[Sarah Palin]]'s latest political stunt was to reinforce her "hockey mom" image by [[shit nobody cares about|dropping the first puck at a hockey game in Philadelphia]]. Anticipating bad press from the get go, Faux News website released the following statement:

{{quote| The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her [[loli|seven year old daughter]], Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, "How dare they boo Piper!" | Sarah Palin, [[Bullshit|showing just how good a mother she is]]}}

The plan [[doing it wrong|backfired]], and the boos were so loud the stadium [[failed|tried]] to drown it out by turning up the music. That did little however to distract from the [[lulz|numerous thumbs-down gestures and Obama/Biden signs in the audience]]. And when the time came, Palin didn't even drop the puck herself.
<center><youtube>gd4wQd_gbj8</youtube></center>
Faux News for their part tried to polish this turd by splicing together overhead footage that cut out the audience and using crappy audio that drowned out most of the booing.

==Fox News: Saving the World One Vidya at a Time==
[[File:Full frontal mass effect.jpg|thumb|300px|HELP! I'M BEING DESENSITIZED! ALL WOMEN ARE OBJECTS OF DESIRE, AND I DESIRE SEX FROM THEM! MY DEVELOPING MIND CANNOT HANDLE THE MATURE SITUATIONS IN THIS GAME! WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I?! HALP ME FAUX NEWS! SAVE ME FROM A NEVER ENDING SPIRAL OF NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!]]

The biggest threat to a god-fearing, fag-hating nation, aside from terrorists, liberals, liberal-terrorists, and George Soros, is the vidya. [[Jack Thompson]] is a prime candidate when it comes to providing completely unreliable "research" that the reason your little boy raped a girl, stole a car, and murdered a number of people is not due to bad parenting, but because of a video game where he repeatedly pressed the X button. But we're not talking about any hack-lawyer who needs to be put into a retirement home this time, we're talking about a hack-psychiatrist named [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKzF173GqTU Cooper Lawrence]. Dr. Lawrence (not a real doctor, but a doctor in the same way that Dr Pepper or Dr Dre are doctors) appeared on Fox News to discuss the psychological harm that can be induced by the popular vidya "Mass Effect". Surely, they're going to discuss the harmful xenophobic effects of fighting a universally evil alien race, right? Of creating lines between 'us' and 'them' based on appearance rather than values and actions? Fuck that hippie bullshit. Faux News is going to discuss the three minutes of [[awesome|DIGITAL, FULL FRONTAL, TOTALLY EXPLICIT, FILTHY, UNNATURAL, MIND-CORRUPTING NUDITY!]] Seriously, they compared the Xbox 360 (at the time with a lower survival rate than a black man at a Klan-Nazi pancake breakfast) to Pandora's Box ([[Television|the box that unleashed corrupting evil to humanity]]). Cooper gave her two cents about "all the research" and how teenagers with their Play-Dough minds see women as objects of desire. Amazingly, the smartest person there was from Spike TV, Geoff Keighley, who not only got Cooper to say that she never actually played Mass Effect, but that there was only a bit of alien side-boob, AND that you actually needed to build a relationship before there's even a chance to get any tail, while Cooper seemed adamant that every female encounter in the game included a 'Press X to Rape' command option. [[Epic Win|And thus it was proven that a well-known news station can be ousted intellectually by a channel dedicated to James Bond marathons, softcore porn-based comedy, and UFC.]] As Keighley tried to explain that nothing being said was true about the content of the game, and it was all blatant lies and bullshit, Faux News decided to cut off the liberal-fag-loving-terrorist, and went back to raging about children playing porn games. And then when they had their little moralistic circle-jerk about how awful it is, they all acted as if Geoff hadn't spoken at all.

Normally this kind of bullshit ends as a never-ending nerd rage on YouTube, but a few days later, Cooper Lawrence got her just desserts on Amazon.com. Gamers calling Cooper on her bullshit flocked to wherever a review of her latest book "''[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/dp/1599211793 The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever]''" could be deposited, and proceeded to ruin her reputation as a person with any amount of intelligence. Honestly, would you want to buy a self-help book from a person who makes arguments without research? Or take advice from someone stupid enough to insult an interest of the interwebs (video games) and imply the evil of another (porn), then try and market her book immediately thereafter? It's like murdering someone in front of their family, then giving them a business card that has your name, address, and closest friends and treasured valuables listed in case you want to exact revenge while expecting them to send you gift baskets that *don't* include explosives.
[[File:Cooper lawrence.png|thumb|Wipe that smug sense of self-satisfaction off her face with calling out her bullshit]]

{{quote|Excuse me "Darling", I guess I don’t have to read your book to bash it the same way you don’t have to play or even research a game you are talking about before you go on Fox News and spout your ignorance as fact. You are a moron and an attention whore.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|This woman has no business spreading any kind of media. She bases her theories on conjecture and nonsensical hearsay instead of fact. What she said about Mass Effect on FOX was an utter disgrace and I implore anybody who is considering buying her book to steer well clear. She is merely an opportunistic faker who will spout on about any topic, regardless of her knowledge on the subject.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|I am giving Ms. Lawrence a poor review because she makes assumptions that are not based on fact. During her Fox news report, she blatantly lied and completely misinformed the public. This is not acceptable behavior, and how does she expect me to read her book and believe what she has to say?|Anonymous Reviewer}}

Amazon has since taken off all the reviews that stated they hadn't read the book. But, it turns out the book's crappy enough, even without [[nerd rage]], and over 100 people still give it a 1/5 rating, while four people were paid enough to give it a 5/5 rating.[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/product-reviews/1599211793/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending Sample here.]
===[[EA]] UNLEASHES THE FURY===

After the interview [[EA|Electronic Arts]] executives called out Fox News's [[bullshit]] debate with an [[ALL CAPS]] letter debunking the lies that where [[shit|spoken]]. Basically the letter defended the hundred of [[nerd]]s who put in [[last Thursday|years]] to make this {{Archive|i6bR|game}}.

{{quote|The resulting coverage was insulting to the men and women who spent years creating a game which is acclaimed by critics for its high creative standards. As video games continue to take audiences away from television, we expect to see more TV news stories warning parents about the corrupting influence of interactive entertainment. But this represents a new level of recklessness.
Do you watch the Fox Network? Do you watch Family Guy? Have you ever seen The OC? Do you think the sexual situations in Mass Effect are any more graphic than scenes routinely aired on those shows? Do you honestly believe that young people have more exposure to Mass Effect than to those prime time shows?

[[serious business|This isn't a legal threat; it's an appeal to your sense of fairness. We're asking FNC to correct the record on Mass Effect.]]|Jeff Brown, VP of EA}}

Result: EA does [[EPIC]] [[PWNAGE]] on Fox and is, for the first and last time in the history of the world, the good guy.

===Update: The [[Cunt]] Apologizes===

So after receiving a lot of [[shit|flak]] from all corners of the [[nerd|gaming world]] and from having much [[butthurt]] on [[porn|amazon]], the [[cunt]] actually decides to watch someone else play the game for two and a half hours. She then realizes that she's fucking retarded, because [[you|who could get off watching an alien bone a human?]][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/26/arts/television/26mass.html] [http://www.destructoid.com/fox-psychologist-admits-she-was-wrong-check-the-skies-for-flying-pigs-66917.phtml]

{{quote|I recognize that I misspoke. I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke. Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography. But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of Lost that are more sexually explicit.|Cooper 'Pretentious Cunt' Lawrence, still managing to be insulting during her apology. An exemplar of the Faux Way.}}

Despite apologizing to the [[gaming]] community for all of the bullshit accusations, the [[rape]] over her book on amazon shall continue to prove a lesson to the people at faux news and anyone who goes on who makes any false accusations and promoting a book at the same time, will feel the [[shit nobody cares about|wrath of the gaming community]].

==Intertubes H4x0r3d==
On July 22, 2007, an illiterate 5th-grader found the [[Ted Stevens|intertubes]] root password by guessing where it was saved: On the Fox News website. Here's what he saw when he signed in:

{| border=0 cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0
|[[File:kennyg_cheadle.jpg|thumb|Surprise Buttsecks!|none]] || [[File:Family1type.jpg|thumb|Fox News Makes You Stupid|none]] || [[File:Swimming_sluts.jpg|thumb|Breaking News|none]] || [[File:FoxNewsHeadUpAss.jpg|thumb|Fox News is the one on the left|none]]
|-
|}

[http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2950150 Fox News leaves their root images directory open for perusal.]

==Faux News Shoops Photos==
[[File:Fox news shoops liberals.jpg|thumb|[[This looks shooped]]...]]
On July 2, 2008, everyone's favorite propaganda hate machine ran a segment calling ''New York Times'' editor and reporter Steven Reddicliffe and Jacques Steinberg "attack dogs," because they mentioned that [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/28/arts/television/28rati.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Fox News' ratings were slipping], probably because people don't want to be fed bullshit during the presidential elections. Fox thought this statistical data was an attack on their [[lol|fair and balanced]] news coverage, so they counter-attacked the ''New York Times'' by having a circle-jerk about how Reddicliffe was fired from Fox, makes less money now working for the ''New York Times'', and wrote the report because he hates Fox, and additionally, Fox [http://mediamatters.org/items/200807020002 posted altered photos of the two reporters] to give them Jew noses, yellow teeth, receding hairlines, and darkened circles around their eyes. So, your average Jew.

==Taking on Fark==
On August 17, 2007, Fox News attempted to [[hacker|h4x0r]] [[Fark]] and steal their internets. {{Archive|Imqq7}} However, since Fox's crack team of internet counter-hate machines is made up of people who regularly get pwned by [[script kiddies]], they got absolutely nowhere and failed so hard that Rupert Murdoch crapped lazers.

==More Valuable Information To Come From Fox News==
{{center|{{fv|vg1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>MHEXzlNHC8Q</youtube>
'''Statistical Analysis of Fox's broadcasts uncover that it is actually a Porn Channel not a News Channel'''
|<youtube>0xvGbc3hQd0</youtube>
'''Fox is so considerate.'''
|<youtube>H0kdm7fg804</youtube>
'''Fox [[Lol-cow]]s "discuss"ing Mass Effect'''
|<youtube>8zB4ItYcX4I</youtube>
'''''[[Jism]]'' - the new name for [[milk]]'''
|<youtube>MzV8wrnLfS4</youtube>
'''Shepard Smith, host of his own show reminds Jennifer Lopez about what people in the Bronx really want'''
|<youtube>FpVuF0_AJjQ</youtube>
'''How Fox News anchors establish credentials'''}}}}

== Still "Fair and Balanced" ==
Proving they're still a [[fucktarded|well informed]] [[no|news organization]], the Fox 11 report on January 31st, 2008, aimed at "cyber-bullying," included more [[fucktarded|top notch]] news reporting about the [[Goatse|dangers of the internet]]. Most of the examples are retarded idiots who can't deal with anyone pointing out the truth of how much of a fag they really are, who then make up shit and go to Faux news for a chance at popularity. Don't miss the surprise cameo from [[YouTube]]'s biggest crybaby [[Goronchev]].

<center><youtube>Ai09cWlyPrQ</youtube> 

[[File:Smugcapmaybe.JPG|[[Intellectual Checkmate|He]] was there the entire time.]] 
In this screencap, [[Goronchev]] BAAAWWs about ZOMG SO MEAN Anonymous. 

<youtube>lptVAbw5oos</youtube> 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lptVAbw5oos#t=01m006s Jump to the good stuff]</center>

==Keep Fucking that Chicken==
[[File:DariAlexander.png|right|thumb|[[LOLWUT]]?]]
[[File:Kfcchikkins.gif|right|thumb|Anastos on the job]]
This phrase was coined by Faux News anchor '''Ernie Anastos''' during a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keep%20fucking%20that%20chicken&defid=4242406 live broadcast] of the [[New York]] local news.
{{tinyquote|It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick. '''Keep fucking that chicken'''.}}
<center>{{frame|{{fv|Fuckin||font-weight: bold;|<youtube>X7XbukdoGmM</youtube>|<youtube>yExhzotEu4s</youtube>|<youtube>vQTd0t-Pxck</youtube>}}}}</center>

The quote was an obvious rip-off of [[chikins]] producer [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Perdue Frank Perdue's] original catchphrase, ''"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken"'', which went [[Fail|badly wrong]] when Anastos tried to use it. The original Perdue campaign also generated unintentional [[lulz]] when the [[Mexico|Mexican]] translation of their catchphrase ended up telling people, ''"It takes a hard man to get your '[[cock|chicken]]' aroused"'' ("polla" meaning 'dick' in Spanish). It's pretty obvious that Anastos meant this version.

At least now we know what [[KFC]] stands for.

==Fox News vs Sesame Street==
{{quote|From now on I am watching Pox News. Now ''there's'' a trashy news show.|Muppet}}

<center><youtube>gBGG9TcBZOA</youtube></center> 

In November, 2009, [[Sesame Street]] included [http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/11/05/fox-news-v-sesame-street-beck-oreilly-fans-angry-over-oscar/ an old skit] where [[ODB|Oscar the Grouch]] gets into an argument over his liberal news show resulting in a caller telling him she's switching to watching '''Pox News'''. This -naturally- caused immediate butthurt at the official [[propaganda|'news' channel]] of the Republican Party prompting [[gay|Papa Bear]] O'Reilly to return fire at Sesame Street.

<center><youtube>jzg24i1lagU</youtube></center> 

Other butthurt conservatives in the blogosphere were [https://web.archive.org/web/20091107223320/http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/sright/2009/11/03/l-is-for-leftist-thats-good-enough-for-me/ not so kind].

{{tinyquote|PBS — a network partially funded with my tax dollars — has the right to tell my kids that their parents watch “trashy” news? The message is clear, I can’t even sit my kids in front of “Sesame Street” without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority.|Butthurt blogger}}

{{tinyquote|I first saw that episode last year and couldn't believe what I was hearing. We're watching [[Disney]] more now, but I have to monitor to make sure [[Mind control|I explain things to my daughter when it does get left leaning.]]|Butthurt conservative.}}

==Fox now approves of CP?==

<center><youtube>G5288Nj4Rkg</youtube></center> 

<s>You watch that? Good. Now watch it again and pause at 1:39.</s> '''BALEETED''' Thats right. tittay. 10 year old tittay. Fox news has once again been hypocritical. *big surprise* At the moment /b/ is rampaging, and has started a war against fox. Again. The war has been dubbed Operation PEDOFOX, and many a /b/tard have been sending in reports to various other news networks and even the FCC.

==[[ALL CAPS|BREAKING NEWS!]] [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] PWN FAUX NEWS TWITTER!==

On July 4 (lol), 2011, a group of l33t h@xxorz called the [[Script Kiddies]] ([http://archive.fo/ebEXK no, rly!]) [[Retarded|decided it would be a great idea]] to [[hack]] into the [[Oxymoron|Faux News Politics]] [[Twitter]], which is apparently shown on Faux, and tweet that [[President Obama]] had been pwned by [[Jews]] in Iowa.

Faux [[Bill O'Reilly|denizens]] pretended that they hadn't creamed themselves over the prospect of [[black Jesus]] getting IRL permb& by calling the attack "[[Awesome|malicious]]" and "[[For Great Justice|false]]". Meanwhile, all of the [[13-year-old-boys]] responsible for the attack watch fearfully from their bedroom windows for the [[Party Van]], before it inevitably shows up to drag them away.

==War with [[Donald Trump|Trump]]==

{{quote|I think the big problem this country has is being ''Politically Correct''.|[[Donald Trump]] says what needs to be said to [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]]}}

On August 6, 2015, during the GOP debate, [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]] asked [[God|Donald Trump]] about his past insults towards [[women]] in which he replied "Only [[Rosie O'Donnell]]". After that he talks about how he doesn't have time to be [[Politically Correct|PC]]. Later in the debate, she asked him about his [[Liberal]] past (since she is unaware that people can evolve on topics).

Later on, [[Bitch|Kelly]] went after [[The Donald]] on her show, while Trump retaliated via [[Twitter]] causing an ongoing fight between the two. At one point, [[Autism|Roger Ailes]] demanded that Trump apologizes to Kelly. However, he refused to apologize because he is known for not apologizing.

On September 23, [[Donald Trump]] said he would not be on Faux Jews for the forseeable future.[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/646716373473853442]

==Gallery==
{{cg|Gallery|fox|center|<gallery>
File:Faux-News-poster.gif
File:Foxnewsbrainwash.jpg|Fox News brainwashing
File:Internet_hate_machine.JPG|Fox shows its true colors.
File:Foxjewschannel.gif|Video proof of the Fox Jews Channel.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Fuxnews.jpg|ITS A CONSPIRACY!!1!111!
File:Foximpactsmaller.jpg|A typical Fox News web page.
File:Hannitysucksass.jpg|[[True]]
File:Nazifoxnews.jpg|A new Fox News logo being considered.
File:Haetmachine.jpg|[[TOW]] on [[Fox|FAUX]]: What, me fearmonger?
File:ThankYouFoxNews.jpg|Meanwhile, in [[America]]...
File:Fox_News_-_Gun_Violence.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_In_The_60s.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_Obama_Lie.jpg
File:Greta van susteren.jpg| Hail Xenu
File:FoxNews What.jpg
File:Megyn kelly3.jpg
File:Greata1.jpg
File:FOX.gif
File:LalxOrily.jpg
File:Faux news geography fail.jpg
File:Foxnews.jpg
File:FauxNewsObamaBiden.jpg
File:Geraldo Cares.jpg
</gallery>|}}

== Contact information for lulz ==
* Fox’s main number 888-369-4762.
* Kathy Ardleigh, Sen. Politics Producer o Phone: 212-301-3186
* Thom Bird, Fox News Sen. Producer o Phone: 212-301-3250
* Ian Rae, Exec. VP News o Phone: 212-301-8552
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* Brian Lewis, Executive Vice President of Corporate Communications o Phone: 212-301-3331
* Irena Briganti, Vice President of Media Relations o Phone: 212-301-3608
* Brian Knoblock, International Editor o Phone: 212-301-5486
* Kim Schiller Hume, Wash DC Bureau Chief o Phone: 202-824-6389
* Ken LaCorte, Los Angeles Bureau Chief o Phone: 310-571-2000
* Justin Schmidt, Chicago Bureau Chief o Phone: 312-494-0428
* Brit Hume, Managing Editor o Phone: 202-824-6470
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711
* Bill O’Reilly, O’Reilly Factor Host o Phone: 212-301-3320
* Jane Skinner, News Anchor o Phone: 212-301-5023
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711

== External Links ==
*[http://foxnewscomments.com/ Fair and balanced audience]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBN-qhRdfI0 Beware: The Emo Scene!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnOVcRVO2g FOX 11, news everyone wants.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PLOFnEUTpY FOX LAWL]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTA-A3esI4 NICE ONE FOX]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orpgUPNSRPI Nintendo DS: Harmless Fun or sauce of Pedophilia]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l7ng-U_fks wut? orly]
*<s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS010ek9S_8 Fox News does a report on Tay Zonday]</s> (BALEETED!)
*[http://www.foxattacks.com/ Fox Attacks]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swLExEmedtw An In-Depth Analysis of the Fox Network]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVOJYYwMaA An Impartial Look At Fox News]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1c0pHLkj3A OH LAWDS]
*[http://nypost.com/2015/01/26/man-shot-outside-news-corp-building-in-nyc/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow It is a well known fact that Fox News can, in fact, cause someone to An Hero, lol]

==See Also==
*[[Batshit_Insane|Batshit Insane]]
*[[Cooper Lawrence]]
*[[Conservative]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Ian Schwartz]]
*[[Masud Ali]]
*[[Nazi]]
*[[Republican]]
*[[Retardation]]
*[[Russia Today]]- trendy russkie propaganda network
*[[The Onion]]
*[[Time Magazine]]
*[[Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] - An [[unfunny]], [[homophobic]] version of ''[[The Daily Show]]''.
*[[TMZ]]

{{FoxNews}}
{{politics}}
{{truth}}
{{chans}}
{{trolls}}
{{Business}}
{{epic}}
{{top16}}
{{Television}}
{{FakeNews}}
{{Timeline|Featured article July 28, [[2007]]|[[Tay Zonday]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Ron Mexico]]}}
{{Timeline|Article of the Nao May 12, [[2011]]|[[Anonymous]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Operation Payback]]}}
{{timeline|AOTN July 18 and 19, 2012|[[Penis Pump]]|[[Faux News]]|[[loldongs]]}}
[[Category:2007]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Chans]]

Suburbs

2025-11-25T03:45:14Z

Crow caw: /* See Also */

[[Image:Haus.png|thumb|Suburbs cause people to go to [[totse]].]]
The '''Suburbs''', also known as "suburbia" or "the burbs", is an assembly-line built housing community that one day [[your mom|everyone]] will live in. In the outskirts of cities suburbs sprawl rapidly like a spreading [[The cancer that is killing /b/|cancer]] on the landscape devouring [[vespene gas|resources]], farmland, and hope along the way. The suburban community consists of a specific ratio:

[[over 9000|Per 10,000]] [[George Carlin|identical houses, with identical soccer moms, who drive identical SUVs and have identical kids named Jason and Jenniferrrrr]], there are:
*15 [[Wal-Mart]]s
*20 [[Mall|Strip Malls]]
*30 [[Jew|Synagogues]]
*50 [[Holocaust|Gas]] stations
*200 [[Democrat|DNC]] offices
*[[At least 100]] 7-11 outlets
*[[300]] fast food restaurants
*[[Shit nobody cares about|And a partri~dge in a pear tre~e!]]

== Spoiled Shits ==
[[Image:Dishes.jpg|thumb|left|[[Bullshit|YO YO! I BE FROM DA GHETTO!! THUG LYFE!]]]]
All families from the suburbs are [[Jew|fairly rich folks]] and have at least two SUVs per child they have, as well as both parents who work. Suburbs create many problems starting with the children who are [[Asperger's Syndrome|spoiled beyond all belief]] with the [[Unlimited disposable income|massive amount of income]] [[theft|generated]] by both parents. Since the parents put their jobs and plans for that new Hummer that needs to fill the eighth empty garage spot first, the children are left at home with the T.V on to act as a babysitter. With the combination of watching such mindfucking garbage as [[MTV]] as well as having unmoderated access to the [[internets]], the kids will turn into some of the worst scum of society.

The boys will turn into dumbass [[wiggers]] who can't speak a word coherent English, and the girls will turn into slutty dressing [[prostatot|prostatots]] who pull all sorts of [[attention whoring|stupid shit]] (especially taking those dumb [[gay|car selfies]] in their luxury SUVs in shopping mall parking lots) thanks to sites like [[Livejournal]], [[MySpace]] and DeviantART. All this [[retard|violently stupid behavior]] [[Donald Trump|goes unpunished]] because [[Some argue|society now believes]] that wealthy people are above the law, so drugging them with Starbucks lattes for the soccer mums and Bud Light for the deadbeat dads is the more "humane" solution. Suburbs are only second to the [[Mudslime]] world in terms of inbreeding. There is no cure for that though and instead it is accepted as another [[liberal]] [[incest|alternative lifestyle]] based in the tenets [[hippies|peace and love]].
 

== Education ==
Suburban education is one of the most useless education systems in the world. Classes typically contain repetitive subject material, and tests are solely based on memorization as opposed to critical analysis. Everyone is expected to go to college, therefore creating useless diploma mills in subjects such as lesbian dance theory because who the fuck wants to spend their whole life working at McDonald's? Homework is assigned to mindlessly indoctrinate students, and the work is quickly forgotten.

Most universities have horrible cafeteria food and are extremely expensive. The classes are useless, as nothing that you learn is even close to what you experience in the real world (trust me on this). Most teachers/professors are know-it-alls who are focused on grades and prizes, as opposed to the enjoyment of new discoveries. Anyone that argues against the [[Soviet Union]] is automatically given a failing grade.

Thanks to mass hysteria over a made-up "[[high score]]" problem, even "safe" suburbs (safe meaning where the only crime is vehicular manslaughter of pedestrians by SUV drivers) have heavily armed militarised [[pigs]] running the schools like concentration camps and murdering the [[niggas]] and [[aspies]] with impunity over [[bullshit|terrible heinous crimes]] such as [[MIA|throwing paper airplanes.]]

==Politics==
Everyone in suburbia is either a limousine liberal or a cuckservative. The limousine liberals worship [[Hillary Clinton]] as being part of the democratic establishment, or they worship [[Bernie Sanders]] because they think Communism is the answer to everything. The cuckservatives are just superficial. Both sides are equally racist, and also PC about it. They think anyone who isn't a white successful individual is a worthless loser in politics, AKA people that genuinely want to break the mold.

==Disconnect from Reality (Stupidity)==
Suburban people are the most ignorant, uneducated people in the world. Many talk about how other countries like [[France]] and [[Germany]] are vastly superior to America, not realizing that nothing works in France, not even the showers or toilets, and that Germany is more socially conservative. They claim that the [[Chinese]] are smarter and Americans are morons, not realizing that most suburban Asians represent 0.000000000001% of Asia.

A lot of them believe in racial equality, not considering that there are no black people in the suburbs. This is why many suburbanites proudly proclaim themselves to be "anti-racist" (TM), having never set foot in the inner city. As expected, the same suburbanites are hypocrites because [[retards|they believe sensationalist news media fear-mongering about a made-up crime problem]].

Additionally, they invent weird movements like [[San Francisco|NIMBYism]], which is really just a clever way of enforcing modern segregation to keep the [[negroes]] out and commit genocide against homeless people. Most suburbanites are terminally on social media where they lick the boots of [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].

== [[Divide by zero|Destruction of Society]] ==

Due to such long ways out of the communities and lack of proper transit everyone must have a car, making suburbs the biggest cause of traffic in cities, pollution, and SUV rollover fatalities. Another problem is everyone will eventually become fat and have [[diabeetus]] since everyone eats fast food. One day, estimated in a few years, society will come crashing down when the spoiled little [[fucktard|fucktards]] who lived on their [[Daddy's money lesbian|parents dime]] for all their lives, will have to get work to support themselves and their [[Juliana Wetmore|should-have-been-aborted]] [[Littlekuriboh|offspring]] when their parents [[Dead|die]]. <del>The parents were the last generation without the instant gratification of the internets which actually made them able to focus and gain their successful careers instead of ignoring schoolwork to [[shit nobody cares about|check the latest message they got on Facebook]]</del>[[DISREGARD THAT]]. They are a bunch of entitled white asshats whose careers are only successful because they jew'd the inheritance away from their siblings who have since joined the ranks of America's forgotten impoverished and unemployed.

Further damage will result from all the CO2 emissions from SUVs causing [[Al Gore|global warming]] to melt the ice caps and flood the Earth. With these waters combining with trillion tons of garbage created by fast food outlets; the streets will flow with filth and cause global [[AIDS]]. We can only hope the [[China|Chinks]] nuke all the suburbs before that can happen.

And nothing of value will be lost.

== See Also ==
* [[Colorado]] - scientists have estimated that by the year 2028 that the entire state will essentially become a Denver suburb, courtesy of the evil Jason Spelts.
* [[Columbine]]
* [[Hell]] (See: [[Arizona|Phoenix]] suburbs)
* [[White People]]
* [[NORP|NORPs]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]
* [[NotJustBikes]]
* [[Florida]]

{{life}}
{{Columbine}}

[[Category:Locations]][[Category:IRL Shit]][[Category:Fandom Stuff]]

Faux News

2025-10-26T15:00:44Z

Crow caw: /* Examples of Fox News Logic */

:''Not to be confused with [[Fake News]]''
[[File:propaganda_foxnews.jpg|thumb|The Official News Channel of the Homeland]]
[[File:SheepleUSA.jpg|thumb|A typical [[retard|Fox News viewer]].]]
[[File:B-ill_orly.jpg|thumb|[[Billo The Clown]] lurking on /[[b]]/.]]
[[File:Fox_News_experiencing_fail.JPG|thumb|Typical Faux News broadcast.]]
[[File:CAMWHORE.jpg|thumb|Megyn Kelly, Camwhore?]]
[[File:Faux_news_geography_fail1.PNG|thumb|Fox News fails geography]]

{{quote|The most powerful people on the Internet don't work for Microsoft, Google or the government. Rather, they're a bunch of antisocial, foul-mouthed, clever nerds who congregate at a [[facepalm|largely unknown]] Web site called 4chan.org.|Faux News, about [[4chan]], 3,51[http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/04/08/4chan-rude-raunchy-underbelly-internet/ srsly].}}

'''Faux News''' (also known as '''Fox Noise''', ''' Goebbels Nazi Propaganda''', '''Fox Snooze''', '''Fascist Obnoxious Xenophobes''', '''Fixed News''', '''Cocks News''', '''Fox [[Jew]]s''', '''[[Republican|GOP]] TV''', '''PraAAAISE DE [[Satan|LAwd]]''', '''[[W|Our Leader]]'s Glorious Official Republican Government News Network''' variations of these names or, by its [[gullible|cult]] [[Christian|worshipers]], '''Fox News''') is a comedy network for [[gullible]] [[Retards|Republicans]], [[white trash]], slutty blonde [[bitches]], [[Randal O'Toole]], [[Trump]] worshippers, [[liberals]] who want material for their next social media rant, retired people, soldiers, and [[13-year-old boys]]. Countless blogs and political commentary websites erupt into debate over the latest musings of that [[shemale]] [[Ann Coulter]]. It is now popularly known that [[MSNBC]] is now the primary source for [[furries|Furfags]], seeing that Faux nooz is filled with right wing [[ass-hats]] that oppress sexual tendencies and thoughts that they have (despite stacking panels full of sexy blonde chicks) and express [[uber]] uselessness over it. Not surprisingly, these reporters all believe the myth that "crime is out of control!" and lick the boots of [[pigs]].

It is rumored that the new logo of Fox News will be a triptych of the Virgin Mary jizzing in a glass of Miller Lite while shoving a potato up her cunt. Of course she will be blonde like the Fox girls.

[[Christianhillbilly]] gets his [[facts]] from Fox News ([[moar]] liek Fox JEWs, [[amirite]]?). [[Some argue]] that [[Rupert Murdoch]] is in fact Jew (and everyone acknowledges that he serves Zionist interests), and [[Jews did WTC|did WTC]] to generate [[Lulz|lulzy]] footage for his news empire to replay [[over 9000]] times in any given week. [[terrorists|Foreigners]] and [[Noam Chomsky]] hate Fox News because Fox covers [[liberals]] and [[terrorists]] getting [[raped]] by real men with guns and sexy blonde chicks. [[some argue|Supporters of Fox argue]] that the network simply reports the rape, and allows its viewers to decide if the victims were [[asking for it]].

Faux News has been [[Science|scientifically proven]] to increase viewer stupidity.

==Typical Fox Reporters, Propaganda Contributors==
<center><youtube>srHpjDL6-ZM</youtube></center>
*Shepard Smith, [[IRL]] self-hating''' semi-closeted homosexual'''

*Greta Van Susteren, [[Scientologist]]. [[I see what you did there|Un'''clear''']] if Greta knows about [[Xenu]] or the Wall of Fire.

*Oliver North, war criminal and a member of the US military. But I repeat myself.

*[[Sean Hannity]]: Irish fuckface who invented the Paddy wagon move (Forcing a 5-year old boy to sing "Danny Boy" while fisting his ass into a greenish mush) see friendship between Hannity and well-known New Jersey white supremacist radio host [[Hal Turner]] [http://archive.fo/3ctk]

*[[Phil Shuman]][http://archive.fo/YFpu7]: Thinks raiding Habbo Hotel and spoiling Harry Potter constitutes an [[Internet Hate Machine]]

*<s>[[Bill O'Reilly]], loves to [[fuck]] his co-workers while telling them to "shut up ..or put up" Also a douche. Has recently become an accessory to [[Abortion|murder]].</s> [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/bill-o-reilly-reportedly-out-fox-news-n748236 LOL NOPE!]

*[[Sarah Palin]]: Hired solely for the [[lulz]]. And the [[tits]]. Mostly the [[tits]].

*<s>[[Glenn Beck]] a rapist/murderer back in 1990, openly calls 4chan a leftist pedophile network and linked 4chan to Obama on his paranoid chalk board theories. Also known as the lead singer of the hair-metal band "Glönn Böck."</s> LOL [http://archive.fo/XgpFb FIRED]

*<s>[[Rachel Marsden]]</s> LOL FIRED

*[[Michelle Malkin]], the hot-air anchor baby self-hating pigcunt [[Philippines|Asian]]

*[[Ann Coulter]], You can't call her a cunt, cause she has a dick. Frustrating.

*[[Goronchev]]

*HOLY SHIT! They hired [[Karl Rove]]. No, [[srsly]].

*[[Dead|Alan Colmes]], token liberal and [[Jew]]

*some random blonde bitch

==Examples of Fox News Logic==
[[File:Mooniteexpert.jpg|thumb|Is that a bomb strapped to his chest?]]
[[File:Domesticterrorism.jpg|thumb|Fox has strange [[gay|bed-fellows]].]]
[[File:Foxnewscospiracttheoristsdemo.jpg|thumb|[[uncyclopedia|Oh lawls we're clever.]]]]
[[File:Foxsex1.jpg|frame|none|Not shooped. Srsly.]]
* [[Trump]] is literally Jesus Christ.
* [[Lie|Crime is out of control!]] Proof? A few fake fabricated personal anecdotes on social media.
* [[Pigs]] are sacred and can do no wrong, not even [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].
* [[California]] is literally [[North Korea]], while [[Florida]] is the sacred cow.
* [[Anonymous]] is a gang of [[hackers on steroids]]: internet terrorists, convening within a [[4chan|top-secret site]] in order to more effectively [[exploding Van|blow up yellow vans]]. You must [[buy a dog]], close your curtains and install phone tracing and a new security system to prevent this.
* [[Heath Ledger]] committed suicide because he either watched the South Carolina Debates, was depressed about the drop in the stock market, or was just "weird."[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/01/23/gibson-mocks-ledger/]
* [[ATHF Terrorist Attack|AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE]] IS TERRORISM! [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,249110,00.html]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] is not racist, nor biased; but rather, hilarious!? (correction: Fox Inc. worst mistake).
*[[Osama Bin Laden]] did [[WTC]], NOT [[JEWS DID WTC|Jews]]. (This aside, Osama is actually a Jew too [[LOL]])
*[[Fred Phelps]] is an evil man, yet [[gays]] are sub-human creatures that must be lynched.
*[[Nintendo DS]] is used by child molesters who lure children into their picto-chat sessions while driving, to rape them.
*[[PSP]] is high powered computer that gets porn out of thin air, and is used in school!11
*Fox News attempted humor with [[The Half Hour News Hour]] and [[fail]]ed.
*If you are an American Presidential Candidate, and you want to prove your patriotism by not wearing an American flag pin, you are a terrorist.
*Mass Effect has full nudity, graphic [[pr0n]] and deserves an AO rating, because the woman who didn't play the game [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0kdm7fg804 believes it]. Also, there are chainsaws in GTA IV takes 200+ hours to complete, because the man who didn't play the game said so.
*Making fists with your fellow black person and putting them together is considered a TERRORIST FIST JAB and is a bigger threat to America than [[B|cancer]] and [[diabeetus]] combined.
*Raping sexy blonde girls is ok when a straight white man does it.
*Take your kids to Hooters or Twin Peaks, but never a [[tranny|drag show]]
*The [[Newgrounds]] Torture Game 2 is disgusting, Melissa, and will make kids immune to physical pain and go kill anyone they want.
*[[Happy Mexican Lady Without Context|Post a photo without context]]; leave readers to figure that one out on their own.

==Fox News versus Anonymous==

''See [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] and [[The Incident]].''

== Sean Hannity vs Robert Gibbs ==
<center><youtube>Zgn6rjGbp0c</youtube></center>

{{quote| [[No u]]! Let's change the subject. [[No u]]!}}
If this is the best we can throw at them, then it's clear why these pricks prevail.

== Fox [[Fail|tries]] to shield Sarah Palin from booing crowd ==
[[Sarah Palin]]'s latest political stunt was to reinforce her "hockey mom" image by [[shit nobody cares about|dropping the first puck at a hockey game in Philadelphia]]. Anticipating bad press from the get go, Faux News website released the following statement:

{{quote| The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her [[loli|seven year old daughter]], Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, "How dare they boo Piper!" | Sarah Palin, [[Bullshit|showing just how good a mother she is]]}}

The plan [[doing it wrong|backfired]], and the boos were so loud the stadium [[failed|tried]] to drown it out by turning up the music. That did little however to distract from the [[lulz|numerous thumbs-down gestures and Obama/Biden signs in the audience]]. And when the time came, Palin didn't even drop the puck herself.
<center><youtube>gd4wQd_gbj8</youtube></center>
Faux News for their part tried to polish this turd by splicing together overhead footage that cut out the audience and using crappy audio that drowned out most of the booing.

==Fox News: Saving the World One Vidya at a Time==
[[File:Full frontal mass effect.jpg|thumb|300px|HELP! I'M BEING DESENSITIZED! ALL WOMEN ARE OBJECTS OF DESIRE, AND I DESIRE SEX FROM THEM! MY DEVELOPING MIND CANNOT HANDLE THE MATURE SITUATIONS IN THIS GAME! WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I?! HALP ME FAUX NEWS! SAVE ME FROM A NEVER ENDING SPIRAL OF NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!]]

The biggest threat to a god-fearing, fag-hating nation, aside from terrorists, liberals, liberal-terrorists, and George Soros, is the vidya. [[Jack Thompson]] is a prime candidate when it comes to providing completely unreliable "research" that the reason your little boy raped a girl, stole a car, and murdered a number of people is not due to bad parenting, but because of a video game where he repeatedly pressed the X button. But we're not talking about any hack-lawyer who needs to be put into a retirement home this time, we're talking about a hack-psychiatrist named [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKzF173GqTU Cooper Lawrence]. Dr. Lawrence (not a real doctor, but a doctor in the same way that Dr Pepper or Dr Dre are doctors) appeared on Fox News to discuss the psychological harm that can be induced by the popular vidya "Mass Effect". Surely, they're going to discuss the harmful xenophobic effects of fighting a universally evil alien race, right? Of creating lines between 'us' and 'them' based on appearance rather than values and actions? Fuck that hippie bullshit. Faux News is going to discuss the three minutes of [[awesome|DIGITAL, FULL FRONTAL, TOTALLY EXPLICIT, FILTHY, UNNATURAL, MIND-CORRUPTING NUDITY!]] Seriously, they compared the Xbox 360 (at the time with a lower survival rate than a black man at a Klan-Nazi pancake breakfast) to Pandora's Box ([[Television|the box that unleashed corrupting evil to humanity]]). Cooper gave her two cents about "all the research" and how teenagers with their Play-Dough minds see women as objects of desire. Amazingly, the smartest person there was from Spike TV, Geoff Keighley, who not only got Cooper to say that she never actually played Mass Effect, but that there was only a bit of alien side-boob, AND that you actually needed to build a relationship before there's even a chance to get any tail, while Cooper seemed adamant that every female encounter in the game included a 'Press X to Rape' command option. [[Epic Win|And thus it was proven that a well-known news station can be ousted intellectually by a channel dedicated to James Bond marathons, softcore porn-based comedy, and UFC.]] As Keighley tried to explain that nothing being said was true about the content of the game, and it was all blatant lies and bullshit, Faux News decided to cut off the liberal-fag-loving-terrorist, and went back to raging about children playing porn games. And then when they had their little moralistic circle-jerk about how awful it is, they all acted as if Geoff hadn't spoken at all.

Normally this kind of bullshit ends as a never-ending nerd rage on YouTube, but a few days later, Cooper Lawrence got her just desserts on Amazon.com. Gamers calling Cooper on her bullshit flocked to wherever a review of her latest book "''[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/dp/1599211793 The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever]''" could be deposited, and proceeded to ruin her reputation as a person with any amount of intelligence. Honestly, would you want to buy a self-help book from a person who makes arguments without research? Or take advice from someone stupid enough to insult an interest of the interwebs (video games) and imply the evil of another (porn), then try and market her book immediately thereafter? It's like murdering someone in front of their family, then giving them a business card that has your name, address, and closest friends and treasured valuables listed in case you want to exact revenge while expecting them to send you gift baskets that *don't* include explosives.
[[File:Cooper lawrence.png|thumb|Wipe that smug sense of self-satisfaction off her face with calling out her bullshit]]

{{quote|Excuse me "Darling", I guess I don’t have to read your book to bash it the same way you don’t have to play or even research a game you are talking about before you go on Fox News and spout your ignorance as fact. You are a moron and an attention whore.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|This woman has no business spreading any kind of media. She bases her theories on conjecture and nonsensical hearsay instead of fact. What she said about Mass Effect on FOX was an utter disgrace and I implore anybody who is considering buying her book to steer well clear. She is merely an opportunistic faker who will spout on about any topic, regardless of her knowledge on the subject.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|I am giving Ms. Lawrence a poor review because she makes assumptions that are not based on fact. During her Fox news report, she blatantly lied and completely misinformed the public. This is not acceptable behavior, and how does she expect me to read her book and believe what she has to say?|Anonymous Reviewer}}

Amazon has since taken off all the reviews that stated they hadn't read the book. But, it turns out the book's crappy enough, even without [[nerd rage]], and over 100 people still give it a 1/5 rating, while four people were paid enough to give it a 5/5 rating.[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/product-reviews/1599211793/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending Sample here.]
===[[EA]] UNLEASHES THE FURY===

After the interview [[EA|Electronic Arts]] executives called out Fox News's [[bullshit]] debate with an [[ALL CAPS]] letter debunking the lies that where [[shit|spoken]]. Basically the letter defended the hundred of [[nerd]]s who put in [[last Thursday|years]] to make this {{Archive|i6bR|game}}.

{{quote|The resulting coverage was insulting to the men and women who spent years creating a game which is acclaimed by critics for its high creative standards. As video games continue to take audiences away from television, we expect to see more TV news stories warning parents about the corrupting influence of interactive entertainment. But this represents a new level of recklessness.
Do you watch the Fox Network? Do you watch Family Guy? Have you ever seen The OC? Do you think the sexual situations in Mass Effect are any more graphic than scenes routinely aired on those shows? Do you honestly believe that young people have more exposure to Mass Effect than to those prime time shows?

[[serious business|This isn't a legal threat; it's an appeal to your sense of fairness. We're asking FNC to correct the record on Mass Effect.]]|Jeff Brown, VP of EA}}

Result: EA does [[EPIC]] [[PWNAGE]] on Fox and is, for the first and last time in the history of the world, the good guy.

===Update: The [[Cunt]] Apologizes===

So after receiving a lot of [[shit|flak]] from all corners of the [[nerd|gaming world]] and from having much [[butthurt]] on [[porn|amazon]], the [[cunt]] actually decides to watch someone else play the game for two and a half hours. She then realizes that she's fucking retarded, because [[you|who could get off watching an alien bone a human?]][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/26/arts/television/26mass.html] [http://www.destructoid.com/fox-psychologist-admits-she-was-wrong-check-the-skies-for-flying-pigs-66917.phtml]

{{quote|I recognize that I misspoke. I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke. Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography. But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of Lost that are more sexually explicit.|Cooper 'Pretentious Cunt' Lawrence, still managing to be insulting during her apology. An exemplar of the Faux Way.}}

Despite apologizing to the [[gaming]] community for all of the bullshit accusations, the [[rape]] over her book on amazon shall continue to prove a lesson to the people at faux news and anyone who goes on who makes any false accusations and promoting a book at the same time, will feel the [[shit nobody cares about|wrath of the gaming community]].

==Intertubes H4x0r3d==
On July 22, 2007, an illiterate 5th-grader found the [[Ted Stevens|intertubes]] root password by guessing where it was saved: On the Fox News website. Here's what he saw when he signed in:

{| border=0 cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0
|[[File:kennyg_cheadle.jpg|thumb|Surprise Buttsecks!|none]] || [[File:Family1type.jpg|thumb|Fox News Makes You Stupid|none]] || [[File:Swimming_sluts.jpg|thumb|Breaking News|none]] || [[File:FoxNewsHeadUpAss.jpg|thumb|Fox News is the one on the left|none]]
|-
|}

[http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2950150 Fox News leaves their root images directory open for perusal.]

==Faux News Shoops Photos==
[[File:Fox news shoops liberals.jpg|thumb|[[This looks shooped]]...]]
On July 2, 2008, everyone's favorite propaganda hate machine ran a segment calling ''New York Times'' editor and reporter Steven Reddicliffe and Jacques Steinberg "attack dogs," because they mentioned that [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/28/arts/television/28rati.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Fox News' ratings were slipping], probably because people don't want to be fed bullshit during the presidential elections. Fox thought this statistical data was an attack on their [[lol|fair and balanced]] news coverage, so they counter-attacked the ''New York Times'' by having a circle-jerk about how Reddicliffe was fired from Fox, makes less money now working for the ''New York Times'', and wrote the report because he hates Fox, and additionally, Fox [http://mediamatters.org/items/200807020002 posted altered photos of the two reporters] to give them Jew noses, yellow teeth, receding hairlines, and darkened circles around their eyes. So, your average Jew.

==Taking on Fark==
On August 17, 2007, Fox News attempted to [[hacker|h4x0r]] [[Fark]] and steal their internets. {{Archive|Imqq7}} However, since Fox's crack team of internet counter-hate machines is made up of people who regularly get pwned by [[script kiddies]], they got absolutely nowhere and failed so hard that Rupert Murdoch crapped lazers.

==More Valuable Information To Come From Fox News==
{{center|{{fv|vg1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>MHEXzlNHC8Q</youtube>
'''Statistical Analysis of Fox's broadcasts uncover that it is actually a Porn Channel not a News Channel'''
|<youtube>0xvGbc3hQd0</youtube>
'''Fox is so considerate.'''
|<youtube>H0kdm7fg804</youtube>
'''Fox [[Lol-cow]]s "discuss"ing Mass Effect'''
|<youtube>8zB4ItYcX4I</youtube>
'''''[[Jism]]'' - the new name for [[milk]]'''
|<youtube>MzV8wrnLfS4</youtube>
'''Shepard Smith, host of his own show reminds Jennifer Lopez about what people in the Bronx really want'''
|<youtube>FpVuF0_AJjQ</youtube>
'''How Fox News anchors establish credentials'''}}}}

== Still "Fair and Balanced" ==
Proving they're still a [[fucktarded|well informed]] [[no|news organization]], the Fox 11 report on January 31st, 2008, aimed at "cyber-bullying," included more [[fucktarded|top notch]] news reporting about the [[Goatse|dangers of the internet]]. Most of the examples are retarded idiots who can't deal with anyone pointing out the truth of how much of a fag they really are, who then make up shit and go to Faux news for a chance at popularity. Don't miss the surprise cameo from [[YouTube]]'s biggest crybaby [[Goronchev]].

<center><youtube>Ai09cWlyPrQ</youtube> 

[[File:Smugcapmaybe.JPG|[[Intellectual Checkmate|He]] was there the entire time.]] 
In this screencap, [[Goronchev]] BAAAWWs about ZOMG SO MEAN Anonymous. 

<youtube>lptVAbw5oos</youtube> 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lptVAbw5oos#t=01m006s Jump to the good stuff]</center>

==Keep Fucking that Chicken==
[[File:DariAlexander.png|right|thumb|[[LOLWUT]]?]]
[[File:Kfcchikkins.gif|right|thumb|Anastos on the job]]
This phrase was coined by Faux News anchor '''Ernie Anastos''' during a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keep%20fucking%20that%20chicken&defid=4242406 live broadcast] of the [[New York]] local news.
{{tinyquote|It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick. '''Keep fucking that chicken'''.}}
<center>{{frame|{{fv|Fuckin||font-weight: bold;|<youtube>X7XbukdoGmM</youtube>|<youtube>yExhzotEu4s</youtube>|<youtube>vQTd0t-Pxck</youtube>}}}}</center>

The quote was an obvious rip-off of [[chikins]] producer [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Perdue Frank Perdue's] original catchphrase, ''"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken"'', which went [[Fail|badly wrong]] when Anastos tried to use it. The original Perdue campaign also generated unintentional [[lulz]] when the [[Mexico|Mexican]] translation of their catchphrase ended up telling people, ''"It takes a hard man to get your '[[cock|chicken]]' aroused"'' ("polla" meaning 'dick' in Spanish). It's pretty obvious that Anastos meant this version.

At least now we know what [[KFC]] stands for.

==Fox News vs Sesame Street==
{{quote|From now on I am watching Pox News. Now ''there's'' a trashy news show.|Muppet}}

<center><youtube>gBGG9TcBZOA</youtube></center> 

In November, 2009, [[Sesame Street]] included [http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/11/05/fox-news-v-sesame-street-beck-oreilly-fans-angry-over-oscar/ an old skit] where [[ODB|Oscar the Grouch]] gets into an argument over his liberal news show resulting in a caller telling him she's switching to watching '''Pox News'''. This -naturally- caused immediate butthurt at the official [[propaganda|'news' channel]] of the Republican Party prompting [[gay|Papa Bear]] O'Reilly to return fire at Sesame Street.

<center><youtube>jzg24i1lagU</youtube></center> 

Other butthurt conservatives in the blogosphere were [https://web.archive.org/web/20091107223320/http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/sright/2009/11/03/l-is-for-leftist-thats-good-enough-for-me/ not so kind].

{{tinyquote|PBS — a network partially funded with my tax dollars — has the right to tell my kids that their parents watch “trashy” news? The message is clear, I can’t even sit my kids in front of “Sesame Street” without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority.|Butthurt blogger}}

{{tinyquote|I first saw that episode last year and couldn't believe what I was hearing. We're watching [[Disney]] more now, but I have to monitor to make sure [[Mind control|I explain things to my daughter when it does get left leaning.]]|Butthurt conservative.}}

==Fox now approves of CP?==

<center><youtube>G5288Nj4Rkg</youtube></center> 

<s>You watch that? Good. Now watch it again and pause at 1:39.</s> '''BALEETED''' Thats right. tittay. 10 year old tittay. Fox news has once again been hypocritical. *big surprise* At the moment /b/ is rampaging, and has started a war against fox. Again. The war has been dubbed Operation PEDOFOX, and many a /b/tard have been sending in reports to various other news networks and even the FCC.

==[[ALL CAPS|BREAKING NEWS!]] [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] PWN FAUX NEWS TWITTER!==

On July 4 (lol), 2011, a group of l33t h@xxorz called the [[Script Kiddies]] ([http://archive.fo/ebEXK no, rly!]) [[Retarded|decided it would be a great idea]] to [[hack]] into the [[Oxymoron|Faux News Politics]] [[Twitter]], which is apparently shown on Faux, and tweet that [[President Obama]] had been pwned by [[Jews]] in Iowa.

Faux [[Bill O'Reilly|denizens]] pretended that they hadn't creamed themselves over the prospect of [[black Jesus]] getting IRL permb& by calling the attack "[[Awesome|malicious]]" and "[[For Great Justice|false]]". Meanwhile, all of the [[13-year-old-boys]] responsible for the attack watch fearfully from their bedroom windows for the [[Party Van]], before it inevitably shows up to drag them away.

==War with [[Donald Trump|Trump]]==

{{quote|I think the big problem this country has is being ''Politically Correct''.|[[Donald Trump]] says what needs to be said to [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]]}}

On August 6, 2015, during the GOP debate, [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]] asked [[God|Donald Trump]] about his past insults towards [[women]] in which he replied "Only [[Rosie O'Donnell]]". After that he talks about how he doesn't have time to be [[Politically Correct|PC]]. Later in the debate, she asked him about his [[Liberal]] past (since she is unaware that people can evolve on topics).

Later on, [[Bitch|Kelly]] went after [[The Donald]] on her show, while Trump retaliated via [[Twitter]] causing an ongoing fight between the two. At one point, [[Autism|Roger Ailes]] demanded that Trump apologizes to Kelly. However, he refused to apologize because he is known for not apologizing.

On September 23, [[Donald Trump]] said he would not be on Faux Jews for the forseeable future.[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/646716373473853442]

==Gallery==
{{cg|Gallery|fox|center|<gallery>
File:Faux-News-poster.gif
File:Foxnewsbrainwash.jpg|Fox News brainwashing
File:Internet_hate_machine.JPG|Fox shows its true colors.
File:Foxjewschannel.gif|Video proof of the Fox Jews Channel.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Fuxnews.jpg|ITS A CONSPIRACY!!1!111!
File:Foximpactsmaller.jpg|A typical Fox News web page.
File:Hannitysucksass.jpg|[[True]]
File:Nazifoxnews.jpg|A new Fox News logo being considered.
File:Haetmachine.jpg|[[TOW]] on [[Fox|FAUX]]: What, me fearmonger?
File:ThankYouFoxNews.jpg|Meanwhile, in [[America]]...
File:Fox_News_-_Gun_Violence.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_In_The_60s.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_Obama_Lie.jpg
File:Greta van susteren.jpg| Hail Xenu
File:FoxNews What.jpg
File:Megyn kelly3.jpg
File:Greata1.jpg
File:FOX.gif
File:LalxOrily.jpg
File:Faux news geography fail.jpg
File:Foxnews.jpg
File:FauxNewsObamaBiden.jpg
File:Geraldo Cares.jpg
</gallery>|}}

== Contact information for lulz ==
* Fox’s main number 888-369-4762.
* Kathy Ardleigh, Sen. Politics Producer o Phone: 212-301-3186
* Thom Bird, Fox News Sen. Producer o Phone: 212-301-3250
* Ian Rae, Exec. VP News o Phone: 212-301-8552
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* Brian Lewis, Executive Vice President of Corporate Communications o Phone: 212-301-3331
* Irena Briganti, Vice President of Media Relations o Phone: 212-301-3608
* Brian Knoblock, International Editor o Phone: 212-301-5486
* Kim Schiller Hume, Wash DC Bureau Chief o Phone: 202-824-6389
* Ken LaCorte, Los Angeles Bureau Chief o Phone: 310-571-2000
* Justin Schmidt, Chicago Bureau Chief o Phone: 312-494-0428
* Brit Hume, Managing Editor o Phone: 202-824-6470
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711
* Bill O’Reilly, O’Reilly Factor Host o Phone: 212-301-3320
* Jane Skinner, News Anchor o Phone: 212-301-5023
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711

== External Links ==
*[http://foxnewscomments.com/ Fair and balanced audience]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBN-qhRdfI0 Beware: The Emo Scene!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnOVcRVO2g FOX 11, news everyone wants.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PLOFnEUTpY FOX LAWL]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTA-A3esI4 NICE ONE FOX]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orpgUPNSRPI Nintendo DS: Harmless Fun or sauce of Pedophilia]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l7ng-U_fks wut? orly]
*<s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS010ek9S_8 Fox News does a report on Tay Zonday]</s> (BALEETED!)
*[http://www.foxattacks.com/ Fox Attacks]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swLExEmedtw An In-Depth Analysis of the Fox Network]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVOJYYwMaA An Impartial Look At Fox News]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1c0pHLkj3A OH LAWDS]
*[http://nypost.com/2015/01/26/man-shot-outside-news-corp-building-in-nyc/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow It is a well known fact that Fox News can, in fact, cause someone to An Hero, lol]

==See Also==
*[[Batshit_Insane|Batshit Insane]]
*[[Cooper Lawrence]]
*[[Conservative]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Ian Schwartz]]
*[[Masud Ali]]
*[[Nazi]]
*[[Republican]]
*[[Retardation]]
*[[Russia Today]]- trendy russkie propaganda network
*[[The Onion]]
*[[Time Magazine]]
*[[Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] - An [[unfunny]], [[homophobic]] version of ''[[The Daily Show]]''.
*[[TMZ]]

{{FoxNews}}
{{politics}}
{{truth}}
{{chans}}
{{trolls}}
{{Business}}
{{epic}}
{{top16}}
{{Television}}
{{FakeNews}}
{{Timeline|Featured article July 28, [[2007]]|[[Tay Zonday]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Ron Mexico]]}}
{{Timeline|Article of the Nao May 12, [[2011]]|[[Anonymous]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Operation Payback]]}}
{{timeline|AOTN July 18 and 19, 2012|[[Penis Pump]]|[[Faux News]]|[[loldongs]]}}
[[Category:2007]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Chans]]

The Way of the Master

2025-10-26T14:53:06Z

Crow caw:

{{needsmore|about the finances of WOTM.}}

[[Image:WOTB.jpg |thumb|right| Because militant atheist basement dwellers don't have enough trolling material to work with already.]]

<big>'''''The Way of the Master (WOTM)'''''</big> is a [[Americunt]]-based [[Christian]] and [[Creationism]] evangelism ministry, founded in 2002 and headed by washed-up child actor Kirk Cameron, New Zealand-born snake-oil salesman Ray Comfort and religious side-show freak Todd Friel. The organization includes a TV show, radio broadcast, books, online school, small-group training courses, and a website.

Yes, they are professional [[Christfags]] and therefore [[lolcows]]. Using the most retarded arguments to prove their claims, and willing to lower themselves to any depth in order to gain [[fantards]] that will take part in their televangelism pyramid scheme.

<center>
'''What that Jesus-flavored infomercial is about...'''
<youtube>PC7dGgd6CQo</youtube>
</center> 

=='''Core Beliefs'''==
==='''Christianity [[Christian|(see main article)]]'''===
They adhere to that wonderful conundrum that is often defined by its most mindless, brainwashed followers who spend their entire life in misery when they aren't spreading their twisted interpretation of the [[bullshit| gospel]]. And true to form, They believe that their extreme view of their religion is the only way of life and refuse to accept any other ways. As the rule of thumb goes, There is no 'conversation' with [[Christfags]]... they only convert. Hence any [[NO_U|debate]] done with him, is really an attempt at turning you into a [[christfag]]. Upon first glance it appears that this is a result of an inability to cope with reality; however, the desire to drag [[Dr._Steel|anyone]] and [[You|everyone]] into their mire of shame, confusion and fairy-tales is not a desperate attempt at relating to other people, but part of [[Shit_Nobody_Cares_About|a greater plan to gain more vote-swing, with which comes the insurance that their hare-brained nanny-laws will always pass unanimously]]. Especially in <s>[[Utah]]</s> <s>[[Florida]]</s> (which are not countries, stupid Americunts!), and some real countries such as [[Uganda]] and [[Brazil]]. Almost everywhere is brainwashed by Americunt ways but [[Sweden]].

==='''Creationism [[creationism|(see main article)]]'''===
WOTM adherents maintain the idea that two centuries of consistent scientific data by thousands of logical minds is wrong and that Earth and life were not created by a causal chain of events but by an infinitely knowing, loving and powerful--yet seemingly indecisive and possibly bipolar--deity in less than a week.

=='''Wait a minute? WOTM? LWP? Wretched? WTF?'''==
There is some confusion as to how Ray-gay and his bunch are organized. The following diagram will explain.
<center>
[[Image:livingwaterschart.jpg]]
</center>

As you can see Living waters publications is the core of WOTM. And as such it is fragmented into smaller outreaches which serves as cash-cows for LWP.

==='''Ambassador Alliances'''===

The Ambassadors' Alliance is a global alliance of [[Church|churches]], para-church ministries, and individual Christians who share the common vision of fulfilling the [[troll|Great Commission]] and inspiring in every [[Christian]] a [[ego|God-glorifying passion]] to do the same. All members of the alliance—whether church, para-church ministry, or individual Christian—are committed to using the [[good person test|Law of God]] to help the unbeliever recognize their [[an hero|true spiritual condition]] and their need for [[bullshit|the Savior]], and to present the entirety of the gospel in a biblical way.

==='''Deeper Conference'''===

One of the many cash cows that LWP organizes so that they can sucker more people and do a mental circle jerk.

==='''Transformed Conference'''===

Same thing, though this one is more keyed to those who have started to see things a little more clearly. You could say it's the rinse cycle in the brainwashing machine.

==='''School Of Biblical Evangelism'''===

This is where they train [[moar]] of these [[Christfags]] to go forth and spread the [[bullshit|prosperity gospel]]. Of course half the time, they will use the [[good person test]] and end up being told to [[fuck you|go forth and multiply themselves]].

==='''Way of the master'''===

The most known outreach of LWP. In fact you think "way of the master" you no longer think 70's kung fu films with kick ass martial artists, you think now of a small New-zealander with a 70's pornstar mustache that is more likely to get intellectually ass-kicked by even a [[retard]].

It was divided in TV and radio components, until they sold the radio show concept to familynet and then it became Wretched.

==='''Wretched'''===
Wretched radio and TV are the offshoots of what was once WOTM radio. Familynet bought the concept and it's the same old shit, with the same host. It is believed that the only purpose it truly serves is to give Todd Friel a job.

=='''Members'''==
==='''Kirk Cameron'''===
[[image:Kirk_Cameron_dopey.jpg|thumb|right|This is what happens when child stars find religion, it's like they had a massive dose of [[fail]] injected in their brain.]]

<big>'''''Kirk Cameron'''''</big> is a former child star who used to play Mike Seaver on 80's sitcom ''Growing Pains'' where he claims to have converted from [[Atheism]] at age 17. One of his first acts as a righteous born again Christian was to get his co-star and on-screen love interest Julie McCullough fired solely because he didn't like the fact that she had posed in ''Playboy''. After the 80's have passed and in order to retain some of the glory of his past as a teen heartthrob he decided to target the [[Christfag]] market, thus getting the best of both worlds.

[[Some argue]] that he became an evangelist in order to to prove that he is [[not gay]]. If this is the case, he has [[fail]]ed to an almost unheard of degree, as pretty much every televangelists career ends with footage leaking of them strutting around a Bangkok nightclub in six inch heels, leading around a [[13 year old boy]] with 'cumsponge' written on his forehead by a leash.

He also starred in plenty of [[fail|direct-to-video]] productions where you can now find in dollar stores, Wal-mart discount bins and swap meets. <s>Most</s> All of the movies he has made are so bad that not even [[MST3K]] would want to touch it.

He claims he used to be a devout atheist, until he asked himself [[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS| "What if I am wrong?"]] Today he is an ardent apologist, defending the faith with the most [[creationism|retarded arguments]], and wanting a pet [[crocoduck]].

<center>
'''"What Washed-Up Kid Actors End Up As...<BIG> EPIC FAIL!!</BIG>"'''
<youtube>r5J0cSnYnFg</youtube>
</center> 

==='''Ray Comfort'''===

[[image:Raybanana.jpg|thumb|right| Ray is about to nibble in the most Homo-erotic way on what he thinks is the "Atheist Nightmare".]]
<big>'''''Ray Comfort'''''</big> is a [[Christian]] minister and evangelist. Comfort, who has no formal training in anything except in [[bullshit|bullshiting]], started Living Waters Publications and The Way of the Master and has written a number of books that He and Kirk peddles in Jesus-flavored infomercials. But remember, they are not doing it for the money.

No, how can someone not "Be in it for the money" when they have written so many books on how to bug the shit out of people who disagree with them and have shows and use the internet to push their lies? The defense rests. Mention how he [[Plagiarism|plagiarized]] and see what happens, everyone calls him Banana Man. Mention the word 'piss' from 2 Kings 18:27 and see what happens too, also call Ken Ham a "Piss Drinking Bastard" in front of him or call Kent Hovind a fucking cartoon.

<center>
'''"How does this [[douchebag]] live with himself?".'''
<youtube>MhCJAveMIOA</youtube>
</center> 

==='''Todd "Freakishly tall" Friel'''===
[[image:Todd_Friel_douchebag.jpg|thumb|right|Ray and Kirk found him frozen in the arctic, next to that dinosaur that leveled Tokyo.]]
<big>'''''Todd Friel'''''</big> He is an American radio and television host, Christian commentator, evangelist, and <s>former</s> washed up stand-up comedian. He used to host Way of the master radio where his douchebaggery flourished in two hour long verbal diarrhea. He now hosts a more appropriately named show called '''''"Wretched"'''''. He's also the proof you CAN stack shit that high.

He serves as the "Comedic enforcement" of WOTM, a pet [[troll]] if you will. He has been used as a drama-generator, ambushing Atheists in their basements and [[Mudslimes]] in their bunkers with the usual garbage that WOTM has been prone to spit over the years.

<center>
'''Todd is trying to sell you something'''
<youtube>14UlzH-EjB0</youtube>
</center> 

==='''Others WOTM pawns'''===

Here is a list of people affiliated in one way or another with either Way of the master/Living Waters ministry/"Wretched". These folks use the techniques pimped by Ray Comfort and will try to sell his [[shit|gospel tracts, videos and other gimmicks]].

Also, when dealing with such individuals, one should consider that their training in their backgrounds supplements their "evangelism" (Example: Todd friel as a comedian or Tony's Law enforcement background). This can help in avoiding pitfalls while maximizing the [[lulz]].

===='''TRISHA RAMOS'''====
A pawn of "wretched" radio, most of her videos are just applications of the [[good person test]] via [[troll|fishing for sinners]] and just other asinine methods of evangelism, while pushing the various products that living waters ministries peddles for all the [[Christfags]] of the world.

*[http://www.youtube.com/user/fishwithtrish fishwithtrish youtube channel TROLL IT!]
*[http://www.fishwithtrish.com her site, just an offshoot of WOTM]

===='''TONY "LAW MAN" MIANO'''====
Another pawn. He uses the "fishing" approach as well. He uses open-air preaching, which is [[serious business]]. Lawman worked for 20 years as a deputy in the [[Gestapo|LA County Sheriff's Department]] with the latter part of that career as a chaplain to the [[Nazis|Americunt law enforcement]] community. This, more than likely can be reflected in the way he assumes that he has [[bullshit|authority]] over [[you]].

He's also one of their instructors. Lawman heads up the evangelism training conducted by Way of the Master through their "Ambassadors Academies", which is a [[church|preacher farm]].

*[http://thelawmanchronicles.blogspot.com/ Tony Miano's blog. It's troll worthy!]

===='''MARK SPENCE'''====

Mark Spence is the dean of the way of the master [[bullshit|School of biblical evangelism]] which is a distinctly unique course in that it's entire focus is driven by [[Chronic Troll Syndrome| personal evangelism]].

He's also trained in being an illusionist, which more than likely helped with the flim-flam business of evangelism. .

If you talk about how WOTM is about making money out of [[bullshit]] he will say that you do not know what you're talking about.

* [http://www.youtube.com/user/MarkSpence777 youtube profile]

===='''DAVID "HIP HOP" SHANNON'''====

Hip Hop is the Sound jockey at Wretched Radio (formerly Way of the Master Radio). Alot of the slime you'll find comes from Hip Hop's labor in sifting through the web and editing the dirt he finds for each 50 minute program.

===='''EMEAL "EZ" ZWAYNE'''====
EZ is the General Manager of Way of the Master / Living Waters ministries. He's the force behind the crass commercialization of way of the master. Ray comfort couldn't have sold his cheezy shit on his own. He needed someone with skills in marketing, and marketing he did.

===='''DUANE BARNHART'''====

If you've ever wondered who makes Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron look so good on their TV series, while being so full of [[fail]], he's the one that people should blame.

But let us give credit where credit is due, it takes alot of skill for a man to be able to take Ray Comfort and be able to actually make him watchable for more than ten seconds.

===='''RICK "BRAINIAC" APPLETON'''====

Brainiac is the living breathing mass of [[bullshit|theological knowledge]] that answers the really tough questions on "Wretched Radio" (formerly Way of the Master Radio) and "Wretched TV". As hard as it is to believe, situations actually occur on the program where the host, Todd Friel, doesn't know the answer. Brainiac is always there to save the day and teach us something about [[Shit nobody cares about|Church history, Reformed theology, conference happenings, or Mark Driscoll's latest escapade.]]

=='''Tricks and Fail'''==

Like most evangelists, they have their tricks and their tell-tale arguments. WOTM specializes in [[gimmick]]s that can be best summed up as "Bumper-sticker theology". It is targeted at people who are of low-education and intelligence, which can be reflected in the majority of their [[fantards]]. Pacione became known for the Carnosaur Retort on Eric Hovind. Using Roger Corman's 1993 classic to illustrate how the human dinosaur co-existence would be more grotesque. Closing author from Issue 10 also pwnt them too, "What kind of dark soul would scare the someone into the hands of a loving God?" Use Pacione's 2007 era photograph to troll Comfort then explain to Kirk Cameron, "Wait there's another way."

==='''Good Person Test[[Good Person Test|(see main article)]]'''===
The Good Person Test (GPT), is a gimmick used by many [[Christfags]] to try and attempt conversion of a non-christfag into the flock. It uses a series of trick questions that merely waste your time and push their ideology on you. It's a sales pitch and not playing along can give them a case of [[butthurt]].

==='''Banana Argument'''===

The banana argument is the most well known example of WOTM's of [[fail]] when it comes to being educated and just having any coherent thoughts. They claimed that this variation on the argument from design, saying that some things are the way they are because they were designed especially for our pleasure and comfort.

<center>
'''Banana Argument: [[FAIL]]'''
<youtube>nfv-Qn1M58I</youtube>
</center> 

The conclusion: obviously the banana was designed by "Almighty God" for the benefit of human beings. Many also wonder if this is true, then the banana is also God's way to promote dildos and buttplugs since it looks like it's "designed" to do this as well.

The real nightmare is that there may be people in the world who would be convinced by the argument! Even though the banana, as we know it, is the product of agriculture, not the imagination of some fucktard. A month later, Ray made another video explaining that God made coconuts to [[Pat_Robertson|punish the Haitians for making a deal with Satan]].

==='''Open-Air Preaching'''===
Open air preaching or street preaching is the act of pushing certain opinions to crowds of people in open places. WOTM specializes in that area, thus breeding among evangelicals a mass population of [[Chronic Troll Syndrome]].

==='''Censorship'''===
In an act of hypocrisy, WOTM is known to use the same tactics as the jooz, Muzzies, and militant atheist vermin they hate. As in try and silence critics on [[jewtube]]. Their most common method is to disable ratings and [[banhammer]] all those who would post critique on their videos, be it by jest, or by disagreement. They will even go as far as to disable comments after a while in order to keep their [[fantards]] happy. They're facebook page say the word 'piss' or '[[Bullshit|bs]]' They will ban you. Their follower Ken Ham blocked pages for saying 'fuck' or calling their researcher a [[Bitch|'riplinger.']]

Of course this only adds to the [[lulz]] as bypassing youtube censors is as easy as downloading the video, uploading it, and matching the tags on the original, thus allowing free speech to prevail.

==='''"Origin In School"'''===
<center>
'''Dumbass, lies and videotape'''
<youtube>GN9zpf5cT0M</youtube>
</center>

This latest stunt done by them, shows just how much Ray comfort is willing to sink to any dept to push his twisted ideology on the younger generation. Learning that the book is now public domain, Comfort and his stooges decided to vandalize Charles Darwin's work "The Origins of the species" with an introduction written by Comfort himself. This stunt is sponsored with the help of these organizations:

- Campus Crusade For Christ ([[Mike Rowe|Anti-university]] organization)

- Answers in Genesis (Anti-science and education)

- Alliance Defense fund (homophobe lawyers. Anti-humanity)

In their own words:

This special 280-page edition not only contains an abridged Origin of Species but also has a 50-page Introduction that reveals the dangerous fruit of evolution, Hitler's undeniable connections to the theory, Darwin's racism, and his disdain for women. It counters the claim that creationists are "anti-science" by citing numerous scientists who believed that God created the universe — scientists such as Einstein, Newton, Copernicus, Bacon, Faraday, Pasteur, and Kepler.

This "introduction" has been retrieved. It can be viewed [http://www.youshare.com/Guest/338938b16b1af166.pdf.html here]. It is highly recommended that you get a barf bucket before reading this.

Also retrieved is a list of schools that are '''''confirmed targets''''' by this endeavor.

===='''Universities in the United States'''====

Princeton University (NJ) http://www.princeton.edu

Harvard University (MA) http://www.college.harvard.edu

Yale University (CT) http://www.yale.edu

Stanford University (CA) http://www.stanford.edu

University of Pennsylvania (PA) http://www.upenn.edu

California Institute of Technology (CA) http://www.caltech.edu

Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MA) http://web.mit.edu

Duke University (NC) http://www.duke.edu

Columbia University (NY) http://www.columbia.edu

College of DuPage (IL) http://www.cod.edu

University of Chicago (IL) http://www.uchicago.edu

Dartmouth College (NH) http://www.dartmouth.edu

Washington University in St. Louis (MO) http://www.wustl.edu

Cornell University (NY) http://www.cornell.edu

Brown University (RI) http://www.brown.edu

Northwestern University (IL) http://www.northwestern.edu

Johns Hopkins University (MD) http://www.jhu.edu

Rice University (TX) http://www.rice.edu

Emory University (GA) http://www.emory.edu

Vanderbilt University (TN) http://www.vanderbilt.edu

Notre Dame (IN) http://www.nd.edu

University of California - Berkeley (CA) http://berkeley.edu/

Carnegie Mellon University (PA) http://www.cmu.edu

University of Virginia (VA) http://www.virginia.edu

Georgetown University (DC) http://www.georgetown.edu

University of California—Los Angeles (CA) http://www.ucla.edu

University of Michigan—Ann Arbor (MI) http://www.umich.edu

University of Southern California (CA) We have this one.

University of North Carolina—Chapel Hill (NC) http://www.unc.edu

Tufts University (MA) http://www.tufts.edu

Wake Forest University (NC) http://www.wfu.edu

Lehigh University (PA) http://www.lehigh.edu

Brandeis University (MA) http://www.brandeis.edu

College of William and Mary (VA) http://www.wm.edu

New York University (NY) http://www.nyu.edu

University of Rochester (NY) http://www.rochester.edu

Georgia Institute of Technology (GA) http://www.gatech.edu

Boston College (MA) http://www.uiuc.edu

University of Wisconsin—Madison (WI) http://www.wisc.edu

University of California—San Diego (CA) http://www.ucsd.edu

University of Illinois—Urbana - Champaign (IL) http://www.illinois.edu

Case Western Reserve University (OH) http://www.case.edu

University of Washington (WA) http://www.washington.edu

University of California—Davis (CA) http://www.ucdavis.edu

Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (NY) http://www.rpi.edu

University of Texas—Austin (TX) http://www.utexas.edu

University of California—Santa Barbara (CA) http://www.ucsb.edu

University of California—Irvine (CA) http://www.uci.edu

Penn State University—University Park (PA) http://www.psu.edu

University of Florida (FL) http://www.ufl.edu

Syracuse University (NY) http://www.syr.edu

===='''Universities in Canada'''====

Ottawa University - http://www.uottawa.ca/

Carleton University - http://www.carleton.ca/

Queen's University - http://www.queensu.ca/

University of Toronto - http://www.utoronto.ca/

York University - http://www.yorku.ca/

McMaster University - http://www.mcmaster.ca/

Guelph University - http://www.uoguelph.ca/

Brock University - http://www.brocku.ca/

U of Western Ontario - http://www.uwo.ca/

Concordia University - http://www.concordia.ca/

McGill University - http://www.mcgill.ca/

U of New Brunswick - http://www.unb.ca/

Memorial U of Newfoundland - http://www.mun.ca/

Dalhousie University - http://www.dal.ca/

University of Manitoba - http://www.umanitoba.ca/

U of Saskatchewan - http://www.usask.ca/

University of Alberta - http://www.ualberta.ca/

University of Calgary - http://www.ucalgary.ca/

Simon Fraser University - http://www.sfu.ca/

U of British Columbia - http://www.ubc.ca/

University of Victoria - http://www.uvic.ca/

=='''Finances'''==
WOTM, like many ministries of it's ilk, makes money from the [[fantards]] they have. In fact they make over [[9000]] when it comes to the greenbacks. It's proof again that there is a sucker born-again every day.

Since WOTM/Living waters is a 501(3)c nonprofit organization, it's easy to know how much money they make since it's public information. You can view them all at these locations;

*[http://dynamodata.fdncenter.org/990_pdf_archive/270/270094016/270094016_200412_990.pdf 2004 990 form]
*[http://dynamodata.fdncenter.org/990_pdf_archive/270/270094016/270094016_200512_990.pdf 2005 990 form]
*[http://dynamodata.fdncenter.org/990_pdf_archive/270/270094016/270094016_200612_990.pdf 2006 990 form]

In 2006 Living Waters Publications sold 4.5 million dollars worth of merchandise that only cost the organization 1.9 million (a 137% markup). Living waters also took in $736,472 in donations. This gave the org a net revenue of 3.3 million to be added to the 1.4 million it had in the bank at the beginning of the year. 

The expenditures for 2006 list fund raising receiving 1.2%, program services receiving 24.5%, and managerial and general receiving 74.1% of the 3 million spent. If you are running a nonprofit and only 24% of your expenditures are going to the programs and services the org was created to address, and 74% are going to Managerial and General expenses,[[YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG|you're doin' it wrong]].

Further information can be read [http://raytractors.blogspot.com/2008/08/piety-of-ray-little-web-sleuthing.html here], it is well detailed.

=='''Drama Generation'''==
One should note that trying to attack WOTM directly is pointless. First, these guys are [[attention whores]] and second, they mention in their training manuals how to handle hecklers.

The best drama to gain however is from their adepts who are not too swift and can be a huge load of [[lulz]], since they do not look at the founders of WOTM with a critical eye, or their ideology for that matter.

The best drama generating techniques are;

* Remind them that they are taking their money to make stupid shit (like their show) instead of feeding the poor or helping the homeless.
* Parody their videos. (WOTM is known to be anti-lulz).
* Make videos series that prove that Ray and Kirk's arguments are full of [[Fail]]
* Deny the existence of God.
* Tell them that the [[Good person test]] is just a sales pitch and you're not buying.
* Question the veracity of the bible.
* Question their motives.

=='''See Also'''==
*[[Christianity]]
*[[Christfag]]
*[[Creationism]]
*[[Good Person Test]]
*[[VenomfangX]]
*[[Crocoduck]]
*[[Rational Response Squad]]

=='''External links'''==
==='''Main Sites===
*[http://www.wayofthemaster.com Way Of The Bastard's main site]
*[http://www.livingwaters.com Living waters, home of all these crappy tracts]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/thewayofthemaster?blend=1 Youtube Channel]

==='''People that [[Pwnt]] WOTM'''===
'''*[http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=3E165308E7342A8E DonExodus's youtube channel]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/YouCantSt0pTheSignal YouCantSt0pTheSignal's Youtube channel]
*[https://www.pinterest.com/pin/160440805459916332/ Pacione PWNT the entire collective]
*[http://www.facebook.com/religionofreason This one calls them out too]
*[http://nickpacione.tumblr.com/post/94049646645/the-science-gospel Pacione sasses them on par to 1 Kings 18:27. Your God is taking a shit]
*[https://www.pinterest.com/pin/160440805459620070/ Sassing the Hovind clan: pin this for the lulz]
*[https://www.bing.com/search?FORM=INCOH2&PC=IC06&PTAG=ICO-4ea21bfd&q=The+Dark+Side+Of+Young+Earth+Creationism see the pwnt here]
*[https://www.pinterest.com/nickpacione/narrative-journalism-examples/ pwnt both Hovinds and Ray Comfort]
*[http://www.scribd.com/doc/5993034/The-Book-of-Counter-Evangelism More ways to give them drama for the WIN!!]
*[http://wiki.ironchariots.org Ironchariots.org]
*[http://raytractors.blogspot.com/ The Ray-tractors]
*[http://wiki.ironchariots.org Ironchariots.org]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/zomgitscriss ZOMGitcriss's channel]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcPyldDbO8Y 'The Way of the Bastard: Kirk Cameron exposed as a heretic from hell']'''

{{dyingalone}}
{{christianity}}
{{cults}}

[[category:Subcultures]]
{{Psychology}}

Faux News

2025-10-25T12:53:20Z

Crow caw: sexy blonde chicks

:''Not to be confused with [[Fake News]]''
[[File:propaganda_foxnews.jpg|thumb|The Official News Channel of the Homeland]]
[[File:SheepleUSA.jpg|thumb|A typical [[retard|Fox News viewer]].]]
[[File:B-ill_orly.jpg|thumb|[[Billo The Clown]] lurking on /[[b]]/.]]
[[File:Fox_News_experiencing_fail.JPG|thumb|Typical Faux News broadcast.]]
[[File:CAMWHORE.jpg|thumb|Megyn Kelly, Camwhore?]]
[[File:Faux_news_geography_fail1.PNG|thumb|Fox News fails geography]]

{{quote|The most powerful people on the Internet don't work for Microsoft, Google or the government. Rather, they're a bunch of antisocial, foul-mouthed, clever nerds who congregate at a [[facepalm|largely unknown]] Web site called 4chan.org.|Faux News, about [[4chan]], 3,51[http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/04/08/4chan-rude-raunchy-underbelly-internet/ srsly].}}

'''Faux News''' (also known as '''Fox Noise''', ''' Goebbels Nazi Propaganda''', '''Fox Snooze''', '''Fascist Obnoxious Xenophobes''', '''Fixed News''', '''Cocks News''', '''Fox [[Jew]]s''', '''[[Republican|GOP]] TV''', '''PraAAAISE DE [[Satan|LAwd]]''', '''[[W|Our Leader]]'s Glorious Official Republican Government News Network''' variations of these names or, by its [[gullible|cult]] [[Christian|worshipers]], '''Fox News''') is a comedy network for [[gullible]] [[Retards|Republicans]], [[white trash]], slutty blonde [[bitches]], [[Randal O'Toole]], [[Trump]] worshippers, [[liberals]] who want material for their next social media rant, retired people, soldiers, and [[13-year-old boys]]. Countless blogs and political commentary websites erupt into debate over the latest musings of that [[shemale]] [[Ann Coulter]]. It is now popularly known that [[MSNBC]] is now the primary source for [[furries|Furfags]], seeing that Faux nooz is filled with right wing [[ass-hats]] that oppress sexual tendencies and thoughts that they have (despite stacking panels full of sexy blonde chicks) and express [[uber]] uselessness over it. Not surprisingly, these reporters all believe the myth that "crime is out of control!" and lick the boots of [[pigs]].

It is rumored that the new logo of Fox News will be a triptych of the Virgin Mary jizzing in a glass of Miller Lite while shoving a potato up her cunt. Of course she will be blonde like the Fox girls.

[[Christianhillbilly]] gets his [[facts]] from Fox News ([[moar]] liek Fox JEWs, [[amirite]]?). [[Some argue]] that [[Rupert Murdoch]] is in fact Jew (and everyone acknowledges that he serves Zionist interests), and [[Jews did WTC|did WTC]] to generate [[Lulz|lulzy]] footage for his news empire to replay [[over 9000]] times in any given week. [[terrorists|Foreigners]] and [[Noam Chomsky]] hate Fox News because Fox covers [[liberals]] and [[terrorists]] getting [[raped]] by real men with guns and sexy blonde chicks. [[some argue|Supporters of Fox argue]] that the network simply reports the rape, and allows its viewers to decide if the victims were [[asking for it]].

Faux News has been [[Science|scientifically proven]] to increase viewer stupidity.

==Typical Fox Reporters, Propaganda Contributors==
<center><youtube>srHpjDL6-ZM</youtube></center>
*Shepard Smith, [[IRL]] self-hating''' semi-closeted homosexual'''

*Greta Van Susteren, [[Scientologist]]. [[I see what you did there|Un'''clear''']] if Greta knows about [[Xenu]] or the Wall of Fire.

*Oliver North, war criminal and a member of the US military. But I repeat myself.

*[[Sean Hannity]]: Irish fuckface who invented the Paddy wagon move (Forcing a 5-year old boy to sing "Danny Boy" while fisting his ass into a greenish mush) see friendship between Hannity and well-known New Jersey white supremacist radio host [[Hal Turner]] [http://archive.fo/3ctk]

*[[Phil Shuman]][http://archive.fo/YFpu7]: Thinks raiding Habbo Hotel and spoiling Harry Potter constitutes an [[Internet Hate Machine]]

*<s>[[Bill O'Reilly]], loves to [[fuck]] his co-workers while telling them to "shut up ..or put up" Also a douche. Has recently become an accessory to [[Abortion|murder]].</s> [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/bill-o-reilly-reportedly-out-fox-news-n748236 LOL NOPE!]

*[[Sarah Palin]]: Hired solely for the [[lulz]]. And the [[tits]]. Mostly the [[tits]].

*<s>[[Glenn Beck]] a rapist/murderer back in 1990, openly calls 4chan a leftist pedophile network and linked 4chan to Obama on his paranoid chalk board theories. Also known as the lead singer of the hair-metal band "Glönn Böck."</s> LOL [http://archive.fo/XgpFb FIRED]

*<s>[[Rachel Marsden]]</s> LOL FIRED

*[[Michelle Malkin]], the hot-air anchor baby self-hating pigcunt [[Philippines|Asian]]

*[[Ann Coulter]], You can't call her a cunt, cause she has a dick. Frustrating.

*[[Goronchev]]

*HOLY SHIT! They hired [[Karl Rove]]. No, [[srsly]].

*[[Dead|Alan Colmes]], token liberal and [[Jew]]

*some random blonde bitch

==Examples of Fox News Logic==
[[File:Mooniteexpert.jpg|thumb|Is that a bomb strapped to his chest?]]
[[File:Domesticterrorism.jpg|thumb|Fox has strange [[gay|bed-fellows]].]]
[[File:Foxnewscospiracttheoristsdemo.jpg|thumb|[[uncyclopedia|Oh lawls we're clever.]]]]
[[File:Foxsex1.jpg|frame|none|Not shooped. Srsly.]]
* [[Anonymous]] is a gang of [[hackers on steroids]]: internet terrorists, convening within a [[4chan|top-secret site]] in order to more effectively [[exploding Van|blow up yellow vans]]. You must [[buy a dog]], close your curtains and install phone tracing and a new security system to prevent this.
* [[Heath Ledger]] committed suicide because he either watched the South Carolina Debates, was depressed about the drop in the stock market, or was just "weird."[http://thinkprogress.org/2008/01/23/gibson-mocks-ledger/]
* [[ATHF Terrorist Attack|AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE]] IS TERRORISM! [http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,249110,00.html]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] is not racist, nor biased; but rather, hilarious!? (correction: Fox Inc. worst mistake).
*[[Osama Bin Laden]] did [[WTC]], NOT [[JEWS DID WTC|Jews]]. (This aside, Osama is actually a Jew too [[LOL]])
*[[Fred Phelps]] is an evil man, yet [[gays]] are sub-human creatures that must be lynched.
*[[Nintendo DS]] is used by child molesters who lure children into their picto-chat sessions while driving, to rape them.
*[[PSP]] is high powered computer that gets porn out of thin air, and is used in school!11
*Fox News attempted humor with [[The Half Hour News Hour]] and [[fail]]ed.
*If you are an American Presidential Candidate, and you want to prove your patriotism by not wearing an American flag pin, you are a terrorist.
*Mass Effect has full nudity, graphic [[pr0n]] and deserves an AO rating, because the woman who didn't play the game [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0kdm7fg804 believes it]. Also, there are chainsaws in GTA IV takes 200+ hours to complete, because the man who didn't play the game said so.
*Making fists with your fellow black person and putting them together is considered a TERRORIST FIST JAB and is a bigger threat to America than [[B|cancer]] and [[diabeetus]] combined.
*Raping sexy blonde girls is ok when a straight white man does it.
*Take your kids to Hooters or Twin Peaks, but never a [[tranny|drag show]]
*The [[Newgrounds]] Torture Game 2 is disgusting, Melissa, and will make kids immune to physical pain and go kill anyone they want.
*[[Happy Mexican Lady Without Context|Post a photo without context]]; leave readers to figure that one out on their own.

==Fox News versus Anonymous==

''See [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] and [[The Incident]].''

== Sean Hannity vs Robert Gibbs ==
<center><youtube>Zgn6rjGbp0c</youtube></center>

{{quote| [[No u]]! Let's change the subject. [[No u]]!}}
If this is the best we can throw at them, then it's clear why these pricks prevail.

== Fox [[Fail|tries]] to shield Sarah Palin from booing crowd ==
[[Sarah Palin]]'s latest political stunt was to reinforce her "hockey mom" image by [[shit nobody cares about|dropping the first puck at a hockey game in Philadelphia]]. Anticipating bad press from the get go, Faux News website released the following statement:

{{quote| The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her [[loli|seven year old daughter]], Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, "How dare they boo Piper!" | Sarah Palin, [[Bullshit|showing just how good a mother she is]]}}

The plan [[doing it wrong|backfired]], and the boos were so loud the stadium [[failed|tried]] to drown it out by turning up the music. That did little however to distract from the [[lulz|numerous thumbs-down gestures and Obama/Biden signs in the audience]]. And when the time came, Palin didn't even drop the puck herself.
<center><youtube>gd4wQd_gbj8</youtube></center>
Faux News for their part tried to polish this turd by splicing together overhead footage that cut out the audience and using crappy audio that drowned out most of the booing.

==Fox News: Saving the World One Vidya at a Time==
[[File:Full frontal mass effect.jpg|thumb|300px|HELP! I'M BEING DESENSITIZED! ALL WOMEN ARE OBJECTS OF DESIRE, AND I DESIRE SEX FROM THEM! MY DEVELOPING MIND CANNOT HANDLE THE MATURE SITUATIONS IN THIS GAME! WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I?! HALP ME FAUX NEWS! SAVE ME FROM A NEVER ENDING SPIRAL OF NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!]]

The biggest threat to a god-fearing, fag-hating nation, aside from terrorists, liberals, liberal-terrorists, and George Soros, is the vidya. [[Jack Thompson]] is a prime candidate when it comes to providing completely unreliable "research" that the reason your little boy raped a girl, stole a car, and murdered a number of people is not due to bad parenting, but because of a video game where he repeatedly pressed the X button. But we're not talking about any hack-lawyer who needs to be put into a retirement home this time, we're talking about a hack-psychiatrist named [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKzF173GqTU Cooper Lawrence]. Dr. Lawrence (not a real doctor, but a doctor in the same way that Dr Pepper or Dr Dre are doctors) appeared on Fox News to discuss the psychological harm that can be induced by the popular vidya "Mass Effect". Surely, they're going to discuss the harmful xenophobic effects of fighting a universally evil alien race, right? Of creating lines between 'us' and 'them' based on appearance rather than values and actions? Fuck that hippie bullshit. Faux News is going to discuss the three minutes of [[awesome|DIGITAL, FULL FRONTAL, TOTALLY EXPLICIT, FILTHY, UNNATURAL, MIND-CORRUPTING NUDITY!]] Seriously, they compared the Xbox 360 (at the time with a lower survival rate than a black man at a Klan-Nazi pancake breakfast) to Pandora's Box ([[Television|the box that unleashed corrupting evil to humanity]]). Cooper gave her two cents about "all the research" and how teenagers with their Play-Dough minds see women as objects of desire. Amazingly, the smartest person there was from Spike TV, Geoff Keighley, who not only got Cooper to say that she never actually played Mass Effect, but that there was only a bit of alien side-boob, AND that you actually needed to build a relationship before there's even a chance to get any tail, while Cooper seemed adamant that every female encounter in the game included a 'Press X to Rape' command option. [[Epic Win|And thus it was proven that a well-known news station can be ousted intellectually by a channel dedicated to James Bond marathons, softcore porn-based comedy, and UFC.]] As Keighley tried to explain that nothing being said was true about the content of the game, and it was all blatant lies and bullshit, Faux News decided to cut off the liberal-fag-loving-terrorist, and went back to raging about children playing porn games. And then when they had their little moralistic circle-jerk about how awful it is, they all acted as if Geoff hadn't spoken at all.

Normally this kind of bullshit ends as a never-ending nerd rage on YouTube, but a few days later, Cooper Lawrence got her just desserts on Amazon.com. Gamers calling Cooper on her bullshit flocked to wherever a review of her latest book "''[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/dp/1599211793 The Cult of Perfection: Making Peace with Your Inner Overachiever]''" could be deposited, and proceeded to ruin her reputation as a person with any amount of intelligence. Honestly, would you want to buy a self-help book from a person who makes arguments without research? Or take advice from someone stupid enough to insult an interest of the interwebs (video games) and imply the evil of another (porn), then try and market her book immediately thereafter? It's like murdering someone in front of their family, then giving them a business card that has your name, address, and closest friends and treasured valuables listed in case you want to exact revenge while expecting them to send you gift baskets that *don't* include explosives.
[[File:Cooper lawrence.png|thumb|Wipe that smug sense of self-satisfaction off her face with calling out her bullshit]]

{{quote|Excuse me "Darling", I guess I don’t have to read your book to bash it the same way you don’t have to play or even research a game you are talking about before you go on Fox News and spout your ignorance as fact. You are a moron and an attention whore.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|This woman has no business spreading any kind of media. She bases her theories on conjecture and nonsensical hearsay instead of fact. What she said about Mass Effect on FOX was an utter disgrace and I implore anybody who is considering buying her book to steer well clear. She is merely an opportunistic faker who will spout on about any topic, regardless of her knowledge on the subject.|Anonymous Reviewer}}
{{quote|I am giving Ms. Lawrence a poor review because she makes assumptions that are not based on fact. During her Fox news report, she blatantly lied and completely misinformed the public. This is not acceptable behavior, and how does she expect me to read her book and believe what she has to say?|Anonymous Reviewer}}

Amazon has since taken off all the reviews that stated they hadn't read the book. But, it turns out the book's crappy enough, even without [[nerd rage]], and over 100 people still give it a 1/5 rating, while four people were paid enough to give it a 5/5 rating.[http://www.amazon.com/Cult-Perfection-Making-Peace-Overachiever/product-reviews/1599211793/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_summary?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending Sample here.]
===[[EA]] UNLEASHES THE FURY===

After the interview [[EA|Electronic Arts]] executives called out Fox News's [[bullshit]] debate with an [[ALL CAPS]] letter debunking the lies that where [[shit|spoken]]. Basically the letter defended the hundred of [[nerd]]s who put in [[last Thursday|years]] to make this {{Archive|i6bR|game}}.

{{quote|The resulting coverage was insulting to the men and women who spent years creating a game which is acclaimed by critics for its high creative standards. As video games continue to take audiences away from television, we expect to see more TV news stories warning parents about the corrupting influence of interactive entertainment. But this represents a new level of recklessness.
Do you watch the Fox Network? Do you watch Family Guy? Have you ever seen The OC? Do you think the sexual situations in Mass Effect are any more graphic than scenes routinely aired on those shows? Do you honestly believe that young people have more exposure to Mass Effect than to those prime time shows?

[[serious business|This isn't a legal threat; it's an appeal to your sense of fairness. We're asking FNC to correct the record on Mass Effect.]]|Jeff Brown, VP of EA}}

Result: EA does [[EPIC]] [[PWNAGE]] on Fox and is, for the first and last time in the history of the world, the good guy.

===Update: The [[Cunt]] Apologizes===

So after receiving a lot of [[shit|flak]] from all corners of the [[nerd|gaming world]] and from having much [[butthurt]] on [[porn|amazon]], the [[cunt]] actually decides to watch someone else play the game for two and a half hours. She then realizes that she's fucking retarded, because [[you|who could get off watching an alien bone a human?]][http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/26/arts/television/26mass.html] [http://www.destructoid.com/fox-psychologist-admits-she-was-wrong-check-the-skies-for-flying-pigs-66917.phtml]

{{quote|I recognize that I misspoke. I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke. Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography. But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of Lost that are more sexually explicit.|Cooper 'Pretentious Cunt' Lawrence, still managing to be insulting during her apology. An exemplar of the Faux Way.}}

Despite apologizing to the [[gaming]] community for all of the bullshit accusations, the [[rape]] over her book on amazon shall continue to prove a lesson to the people at faux news and anyone who goes on who makes any false accusations and promoting a book at the same time, will feel the [[shit nobody cares about|wrath of the gaming community]].

==Intertubes H4x0r3d==
On July 22, 2007, an illiterate 5th-grader found the [[Ted Stevens|intertubes]] root password by guessing where it was saved: On the Fox News website. Here's what he saw when he signed in:

{| border=0 cellpadding=5 cellspacing=0
|[[File:kennyg_cheadle.jpg|thumb|Surprise Buttsecks!|none]] || [[File:Family1type.jpg|thumb|Fox News Makes You Stupid|none]] || [[File:Swimming_sluts.jpg|thumb|Breaking News|none]] || [[File:FoxNewsHeadUpAss.jpg|thumb|Fox News is the one on the left|none]]
|-
|}

[http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2950150 Fox News leaves their root images directory open for perusal.]

==Faux News Shoops Photos==
[[File:Fox news shoops liberals.jpg|thumb|[[This looks shooped]]...]]
On July 2, 2008, everyone's favorite propaganda hate machine ran a segment calling ''New York Times'' editor and reporter Steven Reddicliffe and Jacques Steinberg "attack dogs," because they mentioned that [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/28/arts/television/28rati.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Fox News' ratings were slipping], probably because people don't want to be fed bullshit during the presidential elections. Fox thought this statistical data was an attack on their [[lol|fair and balanced]] news coverage, so they counter-attacked the ''New York Times'' by having a circle-jerk about how Reddicliffe was fired from Fox, makes less money now working for the ''New York Times'', and wrote the report because he hates Fox, and additionally, Fox [http://mediamatters.org/items/200807020002 posted altered photos of the two reporters] to give them Jew noses, yellow teeth, receding hairlines, and darkened circles around their eyes. So, your average Jew.

==Taking on Fark==
On August 17, 2007, Fox News attempted to [[hacker|h4x0r]] [[Fark]] and steal their internets. {{Archive|Imqq7}} However, since Fox's crack team of internet counter-hate machines is made up of people who regularly get pwned by [[script kiddies]], they got absolutely nowhere and failed so hard that Rupert Murdoch crapped lazers.

==More Valuable Information To Come From Fox News==
{{center|{{fv|vg1|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>MHEXzlNHC8Q</youtube>
'''Statistical Analysis of Fox's broadcasts uncover that it is actually a Porn Channel not a News Channel'''
|<youtube>0xvGbc3hQd0</youtube>
'''Fox is so considerate.'''
|<youtube>H0kdm7fg804</youtube>
'''Fox [[Lol-cow]]s "discuss"ing Mass Effect'''
|<youtube>8zB4ItYcX4I</youtube>
'''''[[Jism]]'' - the new name for [[milk]]'''
|<youtube>MzV8wrnLfS4</youtube>
'''Shepard Smith, host of his own show reminds Jennifer Lopez about what people in the Bronx really want'''
|<youtube>FpVuF0_AJjQ</youtube>
'''How Fox News anchors establish credentials'''}}}}

== Still "Fair and Balanced" ==
Proving they're still a [[fucktarded|well informed]] [[no|news organization]], the Fox 11 report on January 31st, 2008, aimed at "cyber-bullying," included more [[fucktarded|top notch]] news reporting about the [[Goatse|dangers of the internet]]. Most of the examples are retarded idiots who can't deal with anyone pointing out the truth of how much of a fag they really are, who then make up shit and go to Faux news for a chance at popularity. Don't miss the surprise cameo from [[YouTube]]'s biggest crybaby [[Goronchev]].

<center><youtube>Ai09cWlyPrQ</youtube> 

[[File:Smugcapmaybe.JPG|[[Intellectual Checkmate|He]] was there the entire time.]] 
In this screencap, [[Goronchev]] BAAAWWs about ZOMG SO MEAN Anonymous. 

<youtube>lptVAbw5oos</youtube> 
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lptVAbw5oos#t=01m006s Jump to the good stuff]</center>

==Keep Fucking that Chicken==
[[File:DariAlexander.png|right|thumb|[[LOLWUT]]?]]
[[File:Kfcchikkins.gif|right|thumb|Anastos on the job]]
This phrase was coined by Faux News anchor '''Ernie Anastos''' during a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keep%20fucking%20that%20chicken&defid=4242406 live broadcast] of the [[New York]] local news.
{{tinyquote|It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick. '''Keep fucking that chicken'''.}}
<center>{{frame|{{fv|Fuckin||font-weight: bold;|<youtube>X7XbukdoGmM</youtube>|<youtube>yExhzotEu4s</youtube>|<youtube>vQTd0t-Pxck</youtube>}}}}</center>

The quote was an obvious rip-off of [[chikins]] producer [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Perdue Frank Perdue's] original catchphrase, ''"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken"'', which went [[Fail|badly wrong]] when Anastos tried to use it. The original Perdue campaign also generated unintentional [[lulz]] when the [[Mexico|Mexican]] translation of their catchphrase ended up telling people, ''"It takes a hard man to get your '[[cock|chicken]]' aroused"'' ("polla" meaning 'dick' in Spanish). It's pretty obvious that Anastos meant this version.

At least now we know what [[KFC]] stands for.

==Fox News vs Sesame Street==
{{quote|From now on I am watching Pox News. Now ''there's'' a trashy news show.|Muppet}}

<center><youtube>gBGG9TcBZOA</youtube></center> 

In November, 2009, [[Sesame Street]] included [http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/11/05/fox-news-v-sesame-street-beck-oreilly-fans-angry-over-oscar/ an old skit] where [[ODB|Oscar the Grouch]] gets into an argument over his liberal news show resulting in a caller telling him she's switching to watching '''Pox News'''. This -naturally- caused immediate butthurt at the official [[propaganda|'news' channel]] of the Republican Party prompting [[gay|Papa Bear]] O'Reilly to return fire at Sesame Street.

<center><youtube>jzg24i1lagU</youtube></center> 

Other butthurt conservatives in the blogosphere were [https://web.archive.org/web/20091107223320/http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/sright/2009/11/03/l-is-for-leftist-thats-good-enough-for-me/ not so kind].

{{tinyquote|PBS — a network partially funded with my tax dollars — has the right to tell my kids that their parents watch “trashy” news? The message is clear, I can’t even sit my kids in front of “Sesame Street” without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority.|Butthurt blogger}}

{{tinyquote|I first saw that episode last year and couldn't believe what I was hearing. We're watching [[Disney]] more now, but I have to monitor to make sure [[Mind control|I explain things to my daughter when it does get left leaning.]]|Butthurt conservative.}}

==Fox now approves of CP?==

<center><youtube>G5288Nj4Rkg</youtube></center> 

<s>You watch that? Good. Now watch it again and pause at 1:39.</s> '''BALEETED''' Thats right. tittay. 10 year old tittay. Fox news has once again been hypocritical. *big surprise* At the moment /b/ is rampaging, and has started a war against fox. Again. The war has been dubbed Operation PEDOFOX, and many a /b/tard have been sending in reports to various other news networks and even the FCC.

==[[ALL CAPS|BREAKING NEWS!]] [[HACKERS ON STEROIDS]] PWN FAUX NEWS TWITTER!==

On July 4 (lol), 2011, a group of l33t h@xxorz called the [[Script Kiddies]] ([http://archive.fo/ebEXK no, rly!]) [[Retarded|decided it would be a great idea]] to [[hack]] into the [[Oxymoron|Faux News Politics]] [[Twitter]], which is apparently shown on Faux, and tweet that [[President Obama]] had been pwned by [[Jews]] in Iowa.

Faux [[Bill O'Reilly|denizens]] pretended that they hadn't creamed themselves over the prospect of [[black Jesus]] getting IRL permb& by calling the attack "[[Awesome|malicious]]" and "[[For Great Justice|false]]". Meanwhile, all of the [[13-year-old-boys]] responsible for the attack watch fearfully from their bedroom windows for the [[Party Van]], before it inevitably shows up to drag them away.

==War with [[Donald Trump|Trump]]==

{{quote|I think the big problem this country has is being ''Politically Correct''.|[[Donald Trump]] says what needs to be said to [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]]}}

On August 6, 2015, during the GOP debate, [[Camwhore|Megyn Kelly]] asked [[God|Donald Trump]] about his past insults towards [[women]] in which he replied "Only [[Rosie O'Donnell]]". After that he talks about how he doesn't have time to be [[Politically Correct|PC]]. Later in the debate, she asked him about his [[Liberal]] past (since she is unaware that people can evolve on topics).

Later on, [[Bitch|Kelly]] went after [[The Donald]] on her show, while Trump retaliated via [[Twitter]] causing an ongoing fight between the two. At one point, [[Autism|Roger Ailes]] demanded that Trump apologizes to Kelly. However, he refused to apologize because he is known for not apologizing.

On September 23, [[Donald Trump]] said he would not be on Faux Jews for the forseeable future.[https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/646716373473853442]

==Gallery==
{{cg|Gallery|fox|center|<gallery>
File:Faux-News-poster.gif
File:Foxnewsbrainwash.jpg|Fox News brainwashing
File:Internet_hate_machine.JPG|Fox shows its true colors.
File:Foxjewschannel.gif|Video proof of the Fox Jews Channel.
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Fuxnews.jpg|ITS A CONSPIRACY!!1!111!
File:Foximpactsmaller.jpg|A typical Fox News web page.
File:Hannitysucksass.jpg|[[True]]
File:Nazifoxnews.jpg|A new Fox News logo being considered.
File:Haetmachine.jpg|[[TOW]] on [[Fox|FAUX]]: What, me fearmonger?
File:ThankYouFoxNews.jpg|Meanwhile, in [[America]]...
File:Fox_News_-_Gun_Violence.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_In_The_60s.jpg
File:Fox_News_-_Obama_Lie.jpg
File:Greta van susteren.jpg| Hail Xenu
File:FoxNews What.jpg
File:Megyn kelly3.jpg
File:Greata1.jpg
File:FOX.gif
File:LalxOrily.jpg
File:Faux news geography fail.jpg
File:Foxnews.jpg
File:FauxNewsObamaBiden.jpg
File:Geraldo Cares.jpg
</gallery>|}}

== Contact information for lulz ==
* Fox’s main number 888-369-4762.
* Kathy Ardleigh, Sen. Politics Producer o Phone: 212-301-3186
* Thom Bird, Fox News Sen. Producer o Phone: 212-301-3250
* Ian Rae, Exec. VP News o Phone: 212-301-8552
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* Brian Lewis, Executive Vice President of Corporate Communications o Phone: 212-301-3331
* Irena Briganti, Vice President of Media Relations o Phone: 212-301-3608
* Brian Knoblock, International Editor o Phone: 212-301-5486
* Kim Schiller Hume, Wash DC Bureau Chief o Phone: 202-824-6389
* Ken LaCorte, Los Angeles Bureau Chief o Phone: 310-571-2000
* Justin Schmidt, Chicago Bureau Chief o Phone: 312-494-0428
* Brit Hume, Managing Editor o Phone: 202-824-6470
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711
* Bill O’Reilly, O’Reilly Factor Host o Phone: 212-301-3320
* Jane Skinner, News Anchor o Phone: 212-301-5023
* John Moody, Sen VP News o Phone: 212-301-8560
* David Asman, Fox News Host o Phone: 212-301-3944
* Shepard Smith, Fox Report Host o Phone: 212-301-3711

== External Links ==
*[http://foxnewscomments.com/ Fair and balanced audience]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBN-qhRdfI0 Beware: The Emo Scene!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnOVcRVO2g FOX 11, news everyone wants.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PLOFnEUTpY FOX LAWL]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQTA-A3esI4 NICE ONE FOX]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orpgUPNSRPI Nintendo DS: Harmless Fun or sauce of Pedophilia]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l7ng-U_fks wut? orly]
*<s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS010ek9S_8 Fox News does a report on Tay Zonday]</s> (BALEETED!)
*[http://www.foxattacks.com/ Fox Attacks]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swLExEmedtw An In-Depth Analysis of the Fox Network]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVOJYYwMaA An Impartial Look At Fox News]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1c0pHLkj3A OH LAWDS]
*[http://nypost.com/2015/01/26/man-shot-outside-news-corp-building-in-nyc/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow It is a well known fact that Fox News can, in fact, cause someone to An Hero, lol]

==See Also==
*[[Batshit_Insane|Batshit Insane]]
*[[Cooper Lawrence]]
*[[Conservative]]
*[[Drinkingwithbob]]
*[[Ian Schwartz]]
*[[Masud Ali]]
*[[Nazi]]
*[[Republican]]
*[[Retardation]]
*[[Russia Today]]- trendy russkie propaganda network
*[[The Onion]]
*[[Time Magazine]]
*[[Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]
*[[The Half Hour News Hour]] - An [[unfunny]], [[homophobic]] version of ''[[The Daily Show]]''.
*[[TMZ]]

{{FoxNews}}
{{politics}}
{{truth}}
{{chans}}
{{trolls}}
{{Business}}
{{epic}}
{{top16}}
{{Television}}
{{FakeNews}}
{{Timeline|Featured article July 28, [[2007]]|[[Tay Zonday]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Ron Mexico]]}}
{{Timeline|Article of the Nao May 12, [[2011]]|[[Anonymous]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Operation Payback]]}}
{{timeline|AOTN July 18 and 19, 2012|[[Penis Pump]]|[[Faux News]]|[[loldongs]]}}
[[Category:2007]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Chans]]

Suburbs

2025-10-20T21:07:55Z

Crow caw: /* Education */

[[Image:Haus.png|thumb|Suburbs cause people to go to [[totse]].]]
The '''Suburbs''', also known as "suburbia" or "the burbs", is an assembly-line built housing community that one day [[your mom|everyone]] will live in. In the outskirts of cities suburbs sprawl rapidly like a spreading [[The cancer that is killing /b/|cancer]] on the landscape devouring [[vespene gas|resources]], farmland, and hope along the way. The suburban community consists of a specific ratio:

[[over 9000|Per 10,000]] [[George Carlin|identical houses, with identical soccer moms, who drive identical SUVs and have identical kids named Jason and Jenniferrrrr]], there are:
*15 [[Wal-Mart]]s
*20 [[Mall|Strip Malls]]
*30 [[Jew|Synagogues]]
*50 [[Holocaust|Gas]] stations
*200 [[Democrat|DNC]] offices
*[[At least 100]] 7-11 outlets
*[[300]] fast food restaurants
*[[Shit nobody cares about|And a partri~dge in a pear tre~e!]]

== Spoiled Shits ==
[[Image:Dishes.jpg|thumb|left|[[Bullshit|YO YO! I BE FROM DA GHETTO!! THUG LYFE!]]]]
All families from the suburbs are [[Jew|fairly rich folks]] and have at least two SUVs per child they have, as well as both parents who work. Suburbs create many problems starting with the children who are [[Asperger's Syndrome|spoiled beyond all belief]] with the [[Unlimited disposable income|massive amount of income]] [[theft|generated]] by both parents. Since the parents put their jobs and plans for that new Hummer that needs to fill the eighth empty garage spot first, the children are left at home with the T.V on to act as a babysitter. With the combination of watching such mindfucking garbage as [[MTV]] as well as having unmoderated access to the [[internets]], the kids will turn into some of the worst scum of society.

The boys will turn into dumbass [[wiggers]] who can't speak a word coherent English, and the girls will turn into slutty dressing [[prostatot|prostatots]] who pull all sorts of [[attention whoring|stupid shit]] (especially taking those dumb [[gay|car selfies]] in their luxury SUVs in shopping mall parking lots) thanks to sites like [[Livejournal]], [[MySpace]] and DeviantART. All this [[retard|violently stupid behavior]] [[Donald Trump|goes unpunished]] because [[Some argue|society now believes]] that wealthy people are above the law, so drugging them with Starbucks lattes for the soccer mums and Bud Light for the deadbeat dads is the more "humane" solution. Suburbs are only second to the [[Mudslime]] world in terms of inbreeding. There is no cure for that though and instead it is accepted as another [[liberal]] [[incest|alternative lifestyle]] based in the tenets [[hippies|peace and love]].
 

== Education ==
Suburban education is one of the most useless education systems in the world. Classes typically contain repetitive subject material, and tests are solely based on memorization as opposed to critical analysis. Everyone is expected to go to college, therefore creating useless diploma mills in subjects such as lesbian dance theory because who the fuck wants to spend their whole life working at McDonald's? Homework is assigned to mindlessly indoctrinate students, and the work is quickly forgotten.

Most universities have horrible cafeteria food and are extremely expensive. The classes are useless, as nothing that you learn is even close to what you experience in the real world (trust me on this). Most teachers/professors are know-it-alls who are focused on grades and prizes, as opposed to the enjoyment of new discoveries. Anyone that argues against the [[Soviet Union]] is automatically given a failing grade.

Thanks to mass hysteria over a made-up "[[high score]]" problem, even "safe" suburbs (safe meaning where the only crime is vehicular manslaughter of pedestrians by SUV drivers) have heavily armed militarised [[pigs]] running the schools like concentration camps and murdering the [[niggas]] and [[aspies]] with impunity over [[bullshit|terrible heinous crimes]] such as [[MIA|throwing paper airplanes.]]

==Politics==
Everyone in suburbia is either a limousine liberal or a cuckservative. The limousine liberals worship [[Hillary Clinton]] as being part of the democratic establishment, or they worship [[Bernie Sanders]] because they think Communism is the answer to everything. The cuckservatives are just superficial. Both sides are equally racist, and also PC about it. They think anyone who isn't a white successful individual is a worthless loser in politics, AKA people that genuinely want to break the mold.

==Disconnect from Reality (Stupidity)==
Suburban people are the most ignorant, uneducated people in the world. Many talk about how other countries like [[France]] and [[Germany]] are vastly superior to America, not realizing that nothing works in France, not even the showers or toilets, and that Germany is more socially conservative. They claim that the [[Chinese]] are smarter and Americans are morons, not realizing that most suburban Asians represent 0.000000000001% of Asia.

A lot of them believe in racial equality, not considering that there are no black people in the suburbs. This is why many suburbanites proudly proclaim themselves to be "anti-racist" (TM), having never set foot in the inner city. As expected, the same suburbanites are hypocrites because [[retards|they believe sensationalist news media fear-mongering about a made-up crime problem]].

Additionally, they invent weird movements like [[San Francisco|NIMBYism]], which is really just a clever way of enforcing modern segregation to keep the [[negroes]] out and commit genocide against homeless people. Most suburbanites are terminally on social media where they lick the boots of [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].

== [[Divide by zero|Destruction of Society]] ==

Due to such long ways out of the communities and lack of proper transit everyone must have a car, making suburbs the biggest cause of traffic in cities, pollution, and SUV rollover fatalities. Another problem is everyone will eventually become fat and have [[diabeetus]] since everyone eats fast food. One day, estimated in a few years, society will come crashing down when the spoiled little [[fucktard|fucktards]] who lived on their [[Daddy's money lesbian|parents dime]] for all their lives, will have to get work to support themselves and their [[Juliana Wetmore|should-have-been-aborted]] [[Littlekuriboh|offspring]] when their parents [[Dead|die]]. <del>The parents were the last generation without the instant gratification of the internets which actually made them able to focus and gain their successful careers instead of ignoring schoolwork to [[shit nobody cares about|check the latest message they got on Facebook]]</del>[[DISREGARD THAT]]. They are a bunch of entitled white asshats whose careers are only successful because they jew'd the inheritance away from their siblings who have since joined the ranks of America's forgotten impoverished and unemployed.

Further damage will result from all the CO2 emissions from SUVs causing [[Al Gore|global warming]] to melt the ice caps and flood the Earth. With these waters combining with trillion tons of garbage created by fast food outlets; the streets will flow with filth and cause global [[AIDS]]. We can only hope the [[China|Chinks]] nuke all the suburbs before that can happen.

And nothing of value will be lost.

== See Also ==
* [[Colorado]] - scientists have estimated that by the year 2028 that the entire state will essentially become a Denver suburb.
* [[Columbine]]
* [[Hell]] (See: [[Arizona|Phoenix]] suburbs)
* [[White People]]
* [[NORP|NORPs]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]
* [[NotJustBikes]]
* [[Florida]]

{{life}}
{{Columbine}}

[[Category:Locations]][[Category:IRL Shit]][[Category:Fandom Stuff]]

McDonald's

2025-10-19T21:47:58Z

Crow caw: /* Decline */

[[File:Iwo McDonalds.jpg|200px|thumb|The taste of [[America|Freedom]].]]

'''McDonald's''' is a children's [[fast food]] restaurant where [[poor]] [[Oak And Cauldron|scum]] go to eat cheap, processed, greasy food. It is the official symbol of [[American]] [[fat|gluttony]]. McDonald's has established many [[terrorism|cells]] (called franchises) in countries across the world, where they continue to butcher innocent [[China|Chinese]] [[children]] with American poison, after which the bloated yellow carcasses are stripped of their delicious flesh and sold back into America as whats now known as ''Happy Meals''.

It should also be noted that [[ALL_CAPS|UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES]] [[Chris-Chan|should you take a girl to McDonald's for a first date]], you Jew.

[[File:McJesus.jpg|350px|thumb|He fried for our sins.]]

In light of the recent [[Ukraine|Pigkraine]] invasion, Mickey D's as well as other food companies that slowly kill the Americunt population on a daily basis, has pulled business from [[Russia]] to pwn Big [[Bad Vlad]].

==Super Size Me==
[[Image:Super Size Me box.jpg|150px|thumb|Note how well the dicks were [[shopped]] out of his mouth.]]
Long ago, [[Morgan Spurlock]] made a [[shit]] movie called ''Super Size Me'' about him being a [[fatass]] and eating nothing but super sized McDonald's food for a month. Immediately after seeing that, if eaten without moderation, [[Duh|McDonald's food is more unhealthy than it usually is]], they immediately [[Delete fucking everything|removed super sizing from the menu]]. Much [[butthurt]] was had by [[fat]] people worldwide, while simultaneously [[lulz]] were had by master troll Spurlock. At the moment of Spurlock's death, he revealed that Supersize Me [[Bill Clinton|had not been entirely truthful with the viewers]] and that he was secretly a heavy alcoholic his whole life and died of liver cancer as a result.

==They love niggers==
{{main|365Black.com}}
{{danquote|Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald's has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.|[[Douchebag|McD's PR shithead]]}}
McDonald's actually decided to celebrate its contribution to the 60% higher rate of [[Diabeetus|McDiabeetus]] in black communities by making [http://www.365black.com/365black/whatis.jsp this fucktarded website].

<center>{{fv|365Black Videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>w3a3pnd-mdk</youtube>
|<youtube>NWHXo3clywk</youtube>
|<youtube>dKpTgsuABZM</youtube>
}}</center>

==Decline==
McDonald's grew to become a fast food Goliath and was the #1 'restaurant' in the world. However, throughout the [[2000s]], profit started to slow down as the corporation started massively hiring [[illegals]] who can't even speak English properly - let alone read the godam menu - until actually declining throughout the [[2010s]]; the result is that hundreds of McDonald's have closed down. Corporate has seen a fall in sales for 13+ quarters in a row. [http://www.cracked.com/article_22410_6-famous-companies-you-had-no-clue-were-dying.html] [http://money.cnn.com/2015/07/23/investing/mcdonalds-earnings-sales-down/] [http://www.nasdaq.com/article/mcdonalds-2016-revenues-to-decline-yoy-despite-improvement-to-pick-up-pace-thereafter-cm623673] [http://www.bakingbusiness.com/articles/news_home/Food-Service/2015/05/What_led_to_McDonalds_decline.aspx?ID=%7B0980ACCF-0AC7-476A-85B8-B0036028AB4B%7D]

As of [[2021]], [[Subway]] has more global locations than McDonald's.

==Notable "Incidents" that took place at a McDonald's restaurant==

* '''San Ysidro Massacre''': On July 18th, 1984, a 41-year-old batshit insane father-of-two named [[James Huberty]] rekt the shit out of all the illegal immigrants gorging on processed sloppy McDonald's crap in [[California|San Ysidro]] near the [[Mexico|Mexican]] border, [[Epic win|killing 21 ppl]] and [[Fucking idiot|wounding 19 moar]], reaching the all-time [[High Score]] for that year and thus qualifying for the ownership of the [[Golden iPod]] until 1991, when [[George Hennard|some pissed-off virgin and fan of his]] threw a truck into a restaurant and went [[Touhou]] on everybody who was drinking coffee at a Luby's resturant in [[Texas]].

* '''Taiwan bombings''': Between April 28/29th, 1992, [[Mario|a crazy plumber]] played [[Bomberman]] on seven McDonald's restaurants in [[Asia|Taiwan]], resulting in the death of a [[Mod|police officer]] and four other fags injured in the explosions. Every McDonald's restaurant in Taiwan was shut down for two days, and the [[You|fat fucks of Taiwan]] chucked a hissy-fit over it.

* '''Sydney River murders''': On May 7th, 1992, Three dudes broke into a McD's in [[Canada]] after closing hours [[Bullshit|with the only intention of robbing the establishment]]. Three n00bs were pwn'd and a fourth one was shot in the neck, [[Fail|but survived]]. She is now a [[Cripple]] [[ROFL|4 lyfe]]. The perpetrators were expecting to find [[OVER 9000|over $200,000]] in the restaurant's safe, but instead they only raked in [[Loser|$2,017]]. All three players were apprehended and are currently getting fucked by a pack of niggers in the slammer.

* '''Beating of [[Transgender|Chrissy Lee Polis]]''': On April 18th 2011, two [[Negress|shenigger baboons]] roaming around in Macca's in [[Maryland]] (not a country, you stupid US-centric shithead!) hunting for [[Fried chicken|fried chikinz]] sighted an unidentified moving object named "[[Wut|Chrissy]]" disguised as a lady trying to enter the women's restroom only to be spat on the face and slammed into the ground repeatedly. Upon hearing the commotion, McDonald's employees began recording and chanting "'''[[Worldstar Hiphop|WORLD STAR WORLD STAR]]!!!!11one!'''" Justice was served when "Chrissy" had a violent seizure and began to bleed from the mouth. One of the attackers was a 14-year-old niglet who has likely been killed/killed someone else by now, while the other was 19-years-old and is currently being held captive in the ape exhibit of the Maryland [[Prison|zoo]] because Murica loves imprisoning everyone. At the end of 2011, [[Oh noes|Howard County passed the protections for transgender people into county law]] because Murica loves emotional policymaking.

* '''[[Munich Massacre]]''': On July 22nd, 2016, an 18-year-old bullied mudslime by the name of David Sonboly scored nine kills and a further 27 injuries (4 by his shots) in a mass shooting half as [[EPIC|æpic]] as [[Tim Kretschmer]]'s chimpout in 2009. The massacre began within the vicinity of a McDonald's restaurant, and the shooter became [[An Hero]] the moment the polizei showed up at some random bike parking lot at mid-late 8 PM . R.I.P.

*'''[[Rick and Morty]] Sauce Incident''': Worst fanbase... Ever.

==Videos==
<center>{{fv|McDonald's Videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>OFayPSM3I-A</youtube><center>Because when you think McDonald's, the first thing that comes to mind is shitty dancing</center>
|<youtube>NdvO0tmNjGo</youtube><center>You know something's badass if it's advertised on shitty E.T. ripoffs</center>
|<youtube>QewlBXznb2g</youtube>
}}</center>

==Gallery==
{{Collapsegallery|McGallery|cg1|center|<gallery>
File:chicken-mcnugget-step-one-1447-1232141429-13.jpg|Chicken McNuggets about to be cooked
File:Mcchickenhead.jpg|Chicken McNuggets after being cooked
File:Mccheese.PNG|Is Mayor McCheese gonna hafta choke a bitch?
File:Ronaldgetspwnt.gif|Getting [[pwnt]] by the [[Burger King]]
File:Fatkids3sp.jpg|Americans LOL
File:Great Deeds Against the McDead.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Hamburgler.gif
File:Get a big, fat ass, absolutely free.jpg
File:RIP McDonald's.jpg
File:McDonalds Hitler.jpg|HITLER worked at mcdonalds you know -.-
File:High Ronald McDonald.jpg
File:Scary_Happy_Meal_.png
File:JokerMcDonald's.jpg|[[Why So Serious?|Y SO FATTENING?]]
File:RONALD WIFE BEATER.JPG|I'm lovin' it!
File:Mickeyd.gif
File:Holyfuck7.jpg|Typical McDonald's customers.
File:Rac.png|Mcdonald's will increase your bust size, and everything else.
File:McdonaldsAzns.jpg|Azns rikey the bigmac
File:McFlapps.jpg|McFlapps, when you just can't get any.
File:Ronaldm.jpg
File:11553_-_Birdie_the_Early_Bird_Grimace_McDonald's_Ronald_McDonald_mascots.jpg
File:Clown34.jpg
File:McDonalds Rule 34.png
File:naughtyronald.jpg|Where's your Happy Meal now?
File:Mcdonalds only one.png|Resistance is futile
File:McBench.jpg|Ronald getting some action
File:RonaldGroped.jpg|Even men turn him on. Ronald's expression says it all.
File:Habbo raid.jpg|The restaurant of choice for [[Nigra]]s.
File:Mcdriveby.jpg|[[Nigra]]s "rollin", in McD colours
File:burgerporn.jpg|A picture from McDonald's recent pornography line.
File:Ronaldmcdonald.gif
File:Pointing dick at old man.jpg|What to do when you don't have enough money to get [[food|hamburgers]].
File:Sakura McOwned.jpg|Which to hate MOAR, [[animu]] or Ronald...
File:Banksy_Feeling5.jpg|Can't beat the feeling
File:Thanks_McDonalds.jpg|Suck it, Jarred.
File:BernieMac.jpg|BernieMac. This picture was taken right before his death.
File:trynewanusburger.jpg|Try the new Anus Burger
File:RonaldSexChange.jpg|If you wanted to be an old woman, Ron, you could have at least paid for decent plastic surgery.
File:Customers.jpg|[[Gentlemen]]
File:Oh_Hi.jpg|The Real Ronald McDonald
File:PennywiseMcdonald.jpg|[[Pennywise]] abortin babies in ur McDonald's
File:Nigzinheat.jpg|[[Sup Dawg]] we heard u like McDonalds....
File:First_Date_Fail.png|[[Fail]] date is fail
File:InuRonald6fw.jpg|[[Inuyasha]] does not want a Happy Meal.
File:McCommie's.png|The People's Republic of Mickey D's
File:Michael_Jackson.jpg|The truth about [[child molester|Ronald McDonald]] kids!
File:Zommarimcdonald.jpg|BANZAI MCDONALD-SAMA!
File:Mcdonaldsshooting.jpg|A satisfied McDonalds customer.
File:Charles_Ramsey_Superman.jpg
File:Charles_Ramsey_McDonalds_Twitter.jpg|[[Charles Ramsey]] is made for life in the BigMac stakes...
File:Charles_Ramsey_Put_Down_The_McDonalds.jpg
File:11368509177367sh.gif
File:Crankyronald2if2bn.gif
File:Mcdonalds333.jpg
File:Ronald McAsso.jpg
File:McDonalds Niggaaa.jpg
File:Mcdonalds cunt.jpg
File:McHit It.jpg
File:RonaldMcHitler2.jpg
File:Mcdonalds base.jpg
File:Ronaldangry.jpg
File:J11.jpg|McJuggalos
File:Ronald McDonald Tarot Magician.jpg
File:Foodfightsmall.jpg
File:Blonde.jpg
File:Ronald classic.jpg
File:Caulk.JPG
File:McDonalds Employees Worth 15 Dollars Hr Wage.jpg
File:Angie-mcd.jpg
File:ROBNDON.JPG
File:McDonalds cat.gif
File:Mcnigger-kfcnumber2.jpg
File:Growth-hormones-demotivational-poster.jpg
File:PurpleDrank.jpg
File:Ronald Ogborn2.jpg
File:McDick.jpg
File:The kids would love this guy.jpg
File:Big Mac with a side of freedom.jpg
File:Ronald McDonald, rodeo clown.PNG
File:mcpedo.jpg
File:mcpedo2.jpg
File:McCrucified.jpg
File:Virgin McMary.jpg
File:McGangBang.png
File:McDonald's anime girl.jpg
File:EXTREME NUMBER 1.jpg|[[Do it fgt|BUY IT FGT!]]
File:McDonalds_Jihad_Is_Over.jpg
File:Mcdonalds_im_lovin_it.jpg
File:Mcdonald's_out_of_"boy_toys".jpg
File:Madnuggets.jpg
File:Japanese mcdonalds female.PNG
Image:McDonalds Nigger Unsurance.jpg|[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seriously_McDonalds Seriously McDonalds]
File:RANRANRU.gif|[[Japan|Japanese]] McDonald's favorite past-time used in [[YTPMV]] videos.
</gallery>|border=#d62718|color=#fdc92b}}

==See also==
[[File:Hellonigra.jpg|thumb|200px|right|A tasteful ''[[Hello Kitty]]'' [[Plastic crap|Happy Meal toy]].]]
* [[365Black.com]]
* [[BoycottMcDonalds.com]]
* [[Fast Food|Fast food]]
* [[Fry Guy]]
* [[Louise Ogborn]]
* [[Mac Tonight]]
* [[McMansion]]
* [[McPedo]]
* [[Moon Man]]
* [[Morgan Spurlock]]
* [[The McNugget Burgler]]
* [[Tendies]]
*[[Smug Wendy's|Wendy's]]
{{Food}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[Category:Fat]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:America]]
[[Category:Animal Abuse]]
{{Timeline|Featured article March 10 and 11, [[2022]]|[[VolunteersForUkraine]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Russia Today]]}}

{{timeline|Featured article May 25 and 26, [[2023]]|[[Sexual Harassment]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Jeffrey Dahmer]]}}

McDonald's

2025-10-19T21:45:22Z

Crow caw: /* Super Size Me */

[[File:Iwo McDonalds.jpg|200px|thumb|The taste of [[America|Freedom]].]]

'''McDonald's''' is a children's [[fast food]] restaurant where [[poor]] [[Oak And Cauldron|scum]] go to eat cheap, processed, greasy food. It is the official symbol of [[American]] [[fat|gluttony]]. McDonald's has established many [[terrorism|cells]] (called franchises) in countries across the world, where they continue to butcher innocent [[China|Chinese]] [[children]] with American poison, after which the bloated yellow carcasses are stripped of their delicious flesh and sold back into America as whats now known as ''Happy Meals''.

It should also be noted that [[ALL_CAPS|UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES]] [[Chris-Chan|should you take a girl to McDonald's for a first date]], you Jew.

[[File:McJesus.jpg|350px|thumb|He fried for our sins.]]

In light of the recent [[Ukraine|Pigkraine]] invasion, Mickey D's as well as other food companies that slowly kill the Americunt population on a daily basis, has pulled business from [[Russia]] to pwn Big [[Bad Vlad]].

==Super Size Me==
[[Image:Super Size Me box.jpg|150px|thumb|Note how well the dicks were [[shopped]] out of his mouth.]]
Long ago, [[Morgan Spurlock]] made a [[shit]] movie called ''Super Size Me'' about him being a [[fatass]] and eating nothing but super sized McDonald's food for a month. Immediately after seeing that, if eaten without moderation, [[Duh|McDonald's food is more unhealthy than it usually is]], they immediately [[Delete fucking everything|removed super sizing from the menu]]. Much [[butthurt]] was had by [[fat]] people worldwide, while simultaneously [[lulz]] were had by master troll Spurlock. At the moment of Spurlock's death, he revealed that Supersize Me [[Bill Clinton|had not been entirely truthful with the viewers]] and that he was secretly a heavy alcoholic his whole life and died of liver cancer as a result.

==They love niggers==
{{main|365Black.com}}
{{danquote|Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald's has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.|[[Douchebag|McD's PR shithead]]}}
McDonald's actually decided to celebrate its contribution to the 60% higher rate of [[Diabeetus|McDiabeetus]] in black communities by making [http://www.365black.com/365black/whatis.jsp this fucktarded website].

<center>{{fv|365Black Videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>w3a3pnd-mdk</youtube>
|<youtube>NWHXo3clywk</youtube>
|<youtube>dKpTgsuABZM</youtube>
}}</center>

==Decline==
McDonald's grew to become a fast food Goliath and was the #1 'restaurant' in the world. However, throughout the [[2000s]], profit started to slow down, until actually declining throughout the [[2010s]]; the result is that hundreds of McDonald's have closed down. Corporate has seen a fall in sales for 13+ quarters in a row. [http://www.cracked.com/article_22410_6-famous-companies-you-had-no-clue-were-dying.html] [http://money.cnn.com/2015/07/23/investing/mcdonalds-earnings-sales-down/] [http://www.nasdaq.com/article/mcdonalds-2016-revenues-to-decline-yoy-despite-improvement-to-pick-up-pace-thereafter-cm623673] [http://www.bakingbusiness.com/articles/news_home/Food-Service/2015/05/What_led_to_McDonalds_decline.aspx?ID=%7B0980ACCF-0AC7-476A-85B8-B0036028AB4B%7D]

As of [[2021]], [[Subway]] has more global locations than McDonald's.

==Notable "Incidents" that took place at a McDonald's restaurant==

* '''San Ysidro Massacre''': On July 18th, 1984, a 41-year-old batshit insane father-of-two named [[James Huberty]] rekt the shit out of all the illegal immigrants gorging on processed sloppy McDonald's crap in [[California|San Ysidro]] near the [[Mexico|Mexican]] border, [[Epic win|killing 21 ppl]] and [[Fucking idiot|wounding 19 moar]], reaching the all-time [[High Score]] for that year and thus qualifying for the ownership of the [[Golden iPod]] until 1991, when [[George Hennard|some pissed-off virgin and fan of his]] threw a truck into a restaurant and went [[Touhou]] on everybody who was drinking coffee at a Luby's resturant in [[Texas]].

* '''Taiwan bombings''': Between April 28/29th, 1992, [[Mario|a crazy plumber]] played [[Bomberman]] on seven McDonald's restaurants in [[Asia|Taiwan]], resulting in the death of a [[Mod|police officer]] and four other fags injured in the explosions. Every McDonald's restaurant in Taiwan was shut down for two days, and the [[You|fat fucks of Taiwan]] chucked a hissy-fit over it.

* '''Sydney River murders''': On May 7th, 1992, Three dudes broke into a McD's in [[Canada]] after closing hours [[Bullshit|with the only intention of robbing the establishment]]. Three n00bs were pwn'd and a fourth one was shot in the neck, [[Fail|but survived]]. She is now a [[Cripple]] [[ROFL|4 lyfe]]. The perpetrators were expecting to find [[OVER 9000|over $200,000]] in the restaurant's safe, but instead they only raked in [[Loser|$2,017]]. All three players were apprehended and are currently getting fucked by a pack of niggers in the slammer.

* '''Beating of [[Transgender|Chrissy Lee Polis]]''': On April 18th 2011, two [[Negress|shenigger baboons]] roaming around in Macca's in [[Maryland]] (not a country, you stupid US-centric shithead!) hunting for [[Fried chicken|fried chikinz]] sighted an unidentified moving object named "[[Wut|Chrissy]]" disguised as a lady trying to enter the women's restroom only to be spat on the face and slammed into the ground repeatedly. Upon hearing the commotion, McDonald's employees began recording and chanting "'''[[Worldstar Hiphop|WORLD STAR WORLD STAR]]!!!!11one!'''" Justice was served when "Chrissy" had a violent seizure and began to bleed from the mouth. One of the attackers was a 14-year-old niglet who has likely been killed/killed someone else by now, while the other was 19-years-old and is currently being held captive in the ape exhibit of the Maryland [[Prison|zoo]] because Murica loves imprisoning everyone. At the end of 2011, [[Oh noes|Howard County passed the protections for transgender people into county law]] because Murica loves emotional policymaking.

* '''[[Munich Massacre]]''': On July 22nd, 2016, an 18-year-old bullied mudslime by the name of David Sonboly scored nine kills and a further 27 injuries (4 by his shots) in a mass shooting half as [[EPIC|æpic]] as [[Tim Kretschmer]]'s chimpout in 2009. The massacre began within the vicinity of a McDonald's restaurant, and the shooter became [[An Hero]] the moment the polizei showed up at some random bike parking lot at mid-late 8 PM . R.I.P.

*'''[[Rick and Morty]] Sauce Incident''': Worst fanbase... Ever.

==Videos==
<center>{{fv|McDonald's Videos|background-color: white;|font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>OFayPSM3I-A</youtube><center>Because when you think McDonald's, the first thing that comes to mind is shitty dancing</center>
|<youtube>NdvO0tmNjGo</youtube><center>You know something's badass if it's advertised on shitty E.T. ripoffs</center>
|<youtube>QewlBXznb2g</youtube>
}}</center>

==Gallery==
{{Collapsegallery|McGallery|cg1|center|<gallery>
File:chicken-mcnugget-step-one-1447-1232141429-13.jpg|Chicken McNuggets about to be cooked
File:Mcchickenhead.jpg|Chicken McNuggets after being cooked
File:Mccheese.PNG|Is Mayor McCheese gonna hafta choke a bitch?
File:Ronaldgetspwnt.gif|Getting [[pwnt]] by the [[Burger King]]
File:Fatkids3sp.jpg|Americans LOL
File:Great Deeds Against the McDead.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Hamburgler.gif
File:Get a big, fat ass, absolutely free.jpg
File:RIP McDonald's.jpg
File:McDonalds Hitler.jpg|HITLER worked at mcdonalds you know -.-
File:High Ronald McDonald.jpg
File:Scary_Happy_Meal_.png
File:JokerMcDonald's.jpg|[[Why So Serious?|Y SO FATTENING?]]
File:RONALD WIFE BEATER.JPG|I'm lovin' it!
File:Mickeyd.gif
File:Holyfuck7.jpg|Typical McDonald's customers.
File:Rac.png|Mcdonald's will increase your bust size, and everything else.
File:McdonaldsAzns.jpg|Azns rikey the bigmac
File:McFlapps.jpg|McFlapps, when you just can't get any.
File:Ronaldm.jpg
File:11553_-_Birdie_the_Early_Bird_Grimace_McDonald's_Ronald_McDonald_mascots.jpg
File:Clown34.jpg
File:McDonalds Rule 34.png
File:naughtyronald.jpg|Where's your Happy Meal now?
File:Mcdonalds only one.png|Resistance is futile
File:McBench.jpg|Ronald getting some action
File:RonaldGroped.jpg|Even men turn him on. Ronald's expression says it all.
File:Habbo raid.jpg|The restaurant of choice for [[Nigra]]s.
File:Mcdriveby.jpg|[[Nigra]]s "rollin", in McD colours
File:burgerporn.jpg|A picture from McDonald's recent pornography line.
File:Ronaldmcdonald.gif
File:Pointing dick at old man.jpg|What to do when you don't have enough money to get [[food|hamburgers]].
File:Sakura McOwned.jpg|Which to hate MOAR, [[animu]] or Ronald...
File:Banksy_Feeling5.jpg|Can't beat the feeling
File:Thanks_McDonalds.jpg|Suck it, Jarred.
File:BernieMac.jpg|BernieMac. This picture was taken right before his death.
File:trynewanusburger.jpg|Try the new Anus Burger
File:RonaldSexChange.jpg|If you wanted to be an old woman, Ron, you could have at least paid for decent plastic surgery.
File:Customers.jpg|[[Gentlemen]]
File:Oh_Hi.jpg|The Real Ronald McDonald
File:PennywiseMcdonald.jpg|[[Pennywise]] abortin babies in ur McDonald's
File:Nigzinheat.jpg|[[Sup Dawg]] we heard u like McDonalds....
File:First_Date_Fail.png|[[Fail]] date is fail
File:InuRonald6fw.jpg|[[Inuyasha]] does not want a Happy Meal.
File:McCommie's.png|The People's Republic of Mickey D's
File:Michael_Jackson.jpg|The truth about [[child molester|Ronald McDonald]] kids!
File:Zommarimcdonald.jpg|BANZAI MCDONALD-SAMA!
File:Mcdonaldsshooting.jpg|A satisfied McDonalds customer.
File:Charles_Ramsey_Superman.jpg
File:Charles_Ramsey_McDonalds_Twitter.jpg|[[Charles Ramsey]] is made for life in the BigMac stakes...
File:Charles_Ramsey_Put_Down_The_McDonalds.jpg
File:11368509177367sh.gif
File:Crankyronald2if2bn.gif
File:Mcdonalds333.jpg
File:Ronald McAsso.jpg
File:McDonalds Niggaaa.jpg
File:Mcdonalds cunt.jpg
File:McHit It.jpg
File:RonaldMcHitler2.jpg
File:Mcdonalds base.jpg
File:Ronaldangry.jpg
File:J11.jpg|McJuggalos
File:Ronald McDonald Tarot Magician.jpg
File:Foodfightsmall.jpg
File:Blonde.jpg
File:Ronald classic.jpg
File:Caulk.JPG
File:McDonalds Employees Worth 15 Dollars Hr Wage.jpg
File:Angie-mcd.jpg
File:ROBNDON.JPG
File:McDonalds cat.gif
File:Mcnigger-kfcnumber2.jpg
File:Growth-hormones-demotivational-poster.jpg
File:PurpleDrank.jpg
File:Ronald Ogborn2.jpg
File:McDick.jpg
File:The kids would love this guy.jpg
File:Big Mac with a side of freedom.jpg
File:Ronald McDonald, rodeo clown.PNG
File:mcpedo.jpg
File:mcpedo2.jpg
File:McCrucified.jpg
File:Virgin McMary.jpg
File:McGangBang.png
File:McDonald's anime girl.jpg
File:EXTREME NUMBER 1.jpg|[[Do it fgt|BUY IT FGT!]]
File:McDonalds_Jihad_Is_Over.jpg
File:Mcdonalds_im_lovin_it.jpg
File:Mcdonald's_out_of_"boy_toys".jpg
File:Madnuggets.jpg
File:Japanese mcdonalds female.PNG
Image:McDonalds Nigger Unsurance.jpg|[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seriously_McDonalds Seriously McDonalds]
File:RANRANRU.gif|[[Japan|Japanese]] McDonald's favorite past-time used in [[YTPMV]] videos.
</gallery>|border=#d62718|color=#fdc92b}}

==See also==
[[File:Hellonigra.jpg|thumb|200px|right|A tasteful ''[[Hello Kitty]]'' [[Plastic crap|Happy Meal toy]].]]
* [[365Black.com]]
* [[BoycottMcDonalds.com]]
* [[Fast Food|Fast food]]
* [[Fry Guy]]
* [[Louise Ogborn]]
* [[Mac Tonight]]
* [[McMansion]]
* [[McPedo]]
* [[Moon Man]]
* [[Morgan Spurlock]]
* [[The McNugget Burgler]]
* [[Tendies]]
*[[Smug Wendy's|Wendy's]]
{{Food}}

[[Category:Locations]]
[[Category:Fat]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]
[[Category:America]]
[[Category:Animal Abuse]]
{{Timeline|Featured article March 10 and 11, [[2022]]|[[VolunteersForUkraine]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Russia Today]]}}

{{timeline|Featured article May 25 and 26, [[2023]]|[[Sexual Harassment]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Jeffrey Dahmer]]}}

Suburbs

2025-10-19T21:30:58Z

Crow caw:

[[Image:Haus.png|thumb|Suburbs cause people to go to [[totse]].]]
The '''Suburbs''', also known as "suburbia" or "the burbs", is an assembly-line built housing community that one day [[your mom|everyone]] will live in. In the outskirts of cities suburbs sprawl rapidly like a spreading [[The cancer that is killing /b/|cancer]] on the landscape devouring [[vespene gas|resources]], farmland, and hope along the way. The suburban community consists of a specific ratio:

[[over 9000|Per 10,000]] [[George Carlin|identical houses, with identical soccer moms, who drive identical SUVs and have identical kids named Jason and Jenniferrrrr]], there are:
*15 [[Wal-Mart]]s
*20 [[Mall|Strip Malls]]
*30 [[Jew|Synagogues]]
*50 [[Holocaust|Gas]] stations
*200 [[Democrat|DNC]] offices
*[[At least 100]] 7-11 outlets
*[[300]] fast food restaurants
*[[Shit nobody cares about|And a partri~dge in a pear tre~e!]]

== Spoiled Shits ==
[[Image:Dishes.jpg|thumb|left|[[Bullshit|YO YO! I BE FROM DA GHETTO!! THUG LYFE!]]]]
All families from the suburbs are [[Jew|fairly rich folks]] and have at least two SUVs per child they have, as well as both parents who work. Suburbs create many problems starting with the children who are [[Asperger's Syndrome|spoiled beyond all belief]] with the [[Unlimited disposable income|massive amount of income]] [[theft|generated]] by both parents. Since the parents put their jobs and plans for that new Hummer that needs to fill the eighth empty garage spot first, the children are left at home with the T.V on to act as a babysitter. With the combination of watching such mindfucking garbage as [[MTV]] as well as having unmoderated access to the [[internets]], the kids will turn into some of the worst scum of society.

The boys will turn into dumbass [[wiggers]] who can't speak a word coherent English, and the girls will turn into slutty dressing [[prostatot|prostatots]] who pull all sorts of [[attention whoring|stupid shit]] (especially taking those dumb [[gay|car selfies]] in their luxury SUVs in shopping mall parking lots) thanks to sites like [[Livejournal]], [[MySpace]] and DeviantART. All this [[retard|violently stupid behavior]] [[Donald Trump|goes unpunished]] because [[Some argue|society now believes]] that wealthy people are above the law, so drugging them with Starbucks lattes for the soccer mums and Bud Light for the deadbeat dads is the more "humane" solution. Suburbs are only second to the [[Mudslime]] world in terms of inbreeding. There is no cure for that though and instead it is accepted as another [[liberal]] [[incest|alternative lifestyle]] based in the tenets [[hippies|peace and love]].
 

== Education ==
Suburban education is one of the most useless education systems in the world. Classes typically contain repetitive subject material, and tests are solely based on memorization as opposed to critical analysis. Everyone is expected to go to college, therefore creating useless diploma mills because trade school is falsely considered to be for morons, because working with your hands is a bad thing. Homework is assigned to mindlessly indoctrinate students, and the work is quickly forgotten.

Most universities have horrible cafeteria food and are extremely expensive. The classes are useless, as nothing that you learn is even close to what you experience in the real world (trust me on this). Most teachers/professors are know-it-alls who are focused on grades and prizes, as opposed to the enjoyment of new discoveries. Anyone that argues against the [[Soviet Union]] is automatically given a failing grade.

Thanks to mass hysteria over a made-up "[[high score]]" problem, even "safe" suburbs (safe meaning where the only crime is vehicular manslaughter of pedestrians by SUV drivers) have heavily armed militarised [[pigs]] running the schools like concentration camps and murdering the [[niggas]] and [[aspies]] with impunity over terrible heinous crimes such as throwing paper airplanes.

==Politics==
Everyone in suburbia is either a limousine liberal or a cuckservative. The limousine liberals worship [[Hillary Clinton]] as being part of the democratic establishment, or they worship [[Bernie Sanders]] because they think Communism is the answer to everything. The cuckservatives are just superficial. Both sides are equally racist, and also PC about it. They think anyone who isn't a white successful individual is a worthless loser in politics, AKA people that genuinely want to break the mold.

==Disconnect from Reality (Stupidity)==
Suburban people are the most ignorant, uneducated people in the world. Many talk about how other countries like [[France]] and [[Germany]] are vastly superior to America, not realizing that nothing works in France, not even the showers or toilets, and that Germany is more socially conservative. They claim that the [[Chinese]] are smarter and Americans are morons, not realizing that most suburban Asians represent 0.000000000001% of Asia.

A lot of them believe in racial equality, not considering that there are no black people in the suburbs. This is why many suburbanites proudly proclaim themselves to be "anti-racist" (TM), having never set foot in the inner city. As expected, the same suburbanites are hypocrites because [[retards|they believe sensationalist news media fear-mongering about a made-up crime problem]].

Additionally, they invent weird movements like [[San Francisco|NIMBYism]], which is really just a clever way of enforcing modern segregation to keep the [[negroes]] out and commit genocide against homeless people. Most suburbanites are terminally on social media where they lick the boots of [[Nazis|Florida sheriffs]].

== [[Divide by zero|Destruction of Society]] ==

Due to such long ways out of the communities and lack of proper transit everyone must have a car, making suburbs the biggest cause of traffic in cities, pollution, and SUV rollover fatalities. Another problem is everyone will eventually become fat and have [[diabeetus]] since everyone eats fast food. One day, estimated in a few years, society will come crashing down when the spoiled little [[fucktard|fucktards]] who lived on their [[Daddy's money lesbian|parents dime]] for all their lives, will have to get work to support themselves and their [[Juliana Wetmore|should-have-been-aborted]] [[Littlekuriboh|offspring]] when their parents [[Dead|die]]. <del>The parents were the last generation without the instant gratification of the internets which actually made them able to focus and gain their successful careers instead of ignoring schoolwork to [[shit nobody cares about|check the latest message they got on Facebook]]</del>[[DISREGARD THAT]]. They are a bunch of entitled white asshats whose careers are only successful because they jew'd the inheritance away from their siblings who have since joined the ranks of America's forgotten impoverished and unemployed.

Further damage will result from all the CO2 emissions from SUVs causing [[Al Gore|global warming]] to melt the ice caps and flood the Earth. With these waters combining with trillion tons of garbage created by fast food outlets; the streets will flow with filth and cause global [[AIDS]]. We can only hope the [[China|Chinks]] nuke all the suburbs before that can happen.

And nothing of value will be lost.

== See Also ==
* [[Colorado]] - scientists have estimated that by the year 2028 that the entire state will essentially become a Denver suburb.
* [[Columbine]]
* [[Hell]] (See: [[Arizona|Phoenix]] suburbs)
* [[White People]]
* [[NORP|NORPs]]
* [[Randal O'Toole]]
* [[NotJustBikes]]
* [[Florida]]

{{life}}
{{Columbine}}

[[Category:Locations]][[Category:IRL Shit]][[Category:Fandom Stuff]]