Conservatism

A typical gathering of like-minded conservatives.

A typical American conservative. Note the neckbeard.

Come the End Times, conservatives will have the last laugh.

This is an article about the ideology, you may be looking for the Wikipedian who used "Conservatism" as his username and went on a killing spree.

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Conservatism is the political ideology that states that everything your dad did was right, except that he should have beat you harder. The conservative right sees the world as the parking lot for church, where they go to thank God that he did not make them terrorists. Conservatives often terrorize the world with chain emails about their lord and savior Jesus, so this is ironic, but it is well known that conservatives don't understand irony. Conservatives take reality into account during the short timespan between leaving their driveways and going to the mall / dropping the kids off at football practice, during which a slew of bible passages and repressive emotional responses hard-coded into them since childhood shields them from any information that would conflict with their worldview. To them, any change at all is a threat to their existence inside a model home with a cookie-cutter lawn and a white picket fence, the "Ideal Patriotic Life" / "American Dream" sentimentalism consequent of a corporate social experiment designed to facilitate mass consumerism. (At least, as much mass consumerism as a nation of 99% starving serfs can muster)

Strictly speaking, no conservatives exist, as everybody wants to change something. A more plausible summary of the goal of conservatives is to undo the fear that entered their lives after learning to masturbate. That normally means going backwards in time to something like the 1950s where the Internet didn't exist, the tax rate was 91%, and liberalism was dead because everyone equated liberals with dirty commies. Usually conservatives are religious fundies of some variety; the white power types prefer Arnold Murray and the Christian Identity movement. Some of the moar Nazi ones even try to reclaim Norse religions.Conservatives are not actually conservatives at all, because everyone knows large corporations love cheap labour.

Conservatives are known for lower taxes, spending more, killing niggers, being staunch supporters of science, loving guns, and hating gays (despite being gay themselves). They also hate sex, love teh sweet buttsecks and are against killing the unborn but love killing the already born. They also love George W. Bush and Larry the Cable Guy. Many believe that Conservatism will save the world. These people are usually rich, white, assholes who have no idea what (or even where) America is.

To put it short, conservatism is butthurting in political form.

	“	CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.	„
	—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

	“	The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy, that is the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness. It is an exercise which always involves a certain number of internal contradictions and even a few absurdities. The conspicuously wealthy turn up urging the character-building value of privation for the poor.	„
	—JK Galbraith

Kool-Aid

The official seal of the Republican party and conservatives in general is the Kool-Aid man. The reference originates from the Jonestown Massacre, where a Christfag named Jim Jones led sum nigras to cross the Nile into Guyana where they slurped Grape Kool-Aid (it was Flavor Aid, faggot) all day like nigras always do. It's comparable to the way conservatives down George Bush's bullshit where he claimed conquering the nation of Iraq, would somehow protect the US from Iraq's intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles that, Saddam's own top generals knew existed. Saddam himself eventually admitted that the WMDS WERE A LIE to scare off Iran, but he didn't think that America would invade. Oops.

Conservative porn

It is well known that conservatives are publicly against all bodily fluid contact, skin to skin contact, or any other fun naked stuff, save for procreation. Privately they tend to be more deviant than liberals. They also get off listening to balding, fat blowhards on AM talk radio. The ultimate in Conservative porn is hearing the latest Rush Limbaugh wannabe go off about immigration, banning gay marriage or threatening to shoot the homeless into space. If you want to hear some of this auditory porn, try just about any AM radio station below the Mason-Dixon line in the United States. Fox News will also do in a pinch for a quick splooge in the living room.

Here's a conservative porn store endorsed on a LiveJournal message board or something!!

FACT: The majority of pedophiles and members of NAMBLA are Republicans. GOP stands for "Gathering of Pedophiles".[2] Liberal do-gooders trying to impose fascistic child labor laws on the sex market are Stalinist oppressors intent on initiating force, who must be put down by suitable defensive means ranging from the humble rocket launcher to low-yield nuclear bunker busters.

Conservatism Worldwide

East Asian Conservatives

East Asian conservatives are mostly 80 year old Chinese men in panties who believe in ancient Chinese beliefs. They can usually be found strolling through their cherry blossom garden recalling ancient Chinese proverb in the third person. Asian Conservatives often force their children through rigorous study in school. This often leads Asian teens to become azn or become an hero. As with most of the world, they are in charge here, but unlike most of the world, they've never lost power.

Asian Conservatives revere:

Confucius who is confused.
Lao-tsu or Sue Lee, a hot Asian girl.
Buddha or the bold guy who sits on the floor.
Jackie Chan not the laundromat owner.
Sun-Tzu or Sue Sun, another hot Asian chick.
Fortune cookies (you.get.eg.lorr).
Whoever is in charge.

Not to be confused with Michelle Malkin, NOT a hot chick.

Middle Eastern Conservatives

Middle Eastern conservatives (towelheads and camel jockeys) are perhaps the most primitive of them all and a idol for closet hardline conservatives all over the world. Their strict adherence to religion (Islam in particular) makes them easy victims of trolling. Saudi Arabia, Iran and Afghanistan are a few of the democratic pearls in the Middle East, and a fine exemplar of modern civilization where gays, libtards, women, dogs and anything/anyone non-conservative is frequently stoned, beheaded, arrested, hanged, tortured, persecuted and put in house arrest -- just because Allah told them it was a good idea.

European Conservatives

Europeans believe that Conservatism caused Hitler and that if they act conservative they will be more like Americans. Because of this there is no Conservatism in Europe except in England, where it made all the miners go on strike and have riots at least 100 years ago. And it's popular in Germany as being Conservative lets you openly practice rabid xenophobia, racism and hating fags which are all popular pastimes in Germany, as well as cornerstones of the Conservative philosophy.

Black conservatives

THEY DO EXIST.

OH RLY?

YEA! BOY! WE BE GOT NIGGAS IN DA G.O.P.

SAY WHAT?

TAT RITE BRO.

FO REAL.

FO SHIZZLE.

HHMM MMMM. HAL RITE.

YO! OUR PEOPLE GOT IT GOIN ON. Examples: Larry Elder, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, Alan Keyes, Allen West and Michael Steele. Don't forget Bill Cosby is telling the fellow negroes "Shame on you" and tells the coloreds to "get a job".

Herman Cain - No wonder he couldn't stay in the GOP Presidential Primary race.

Hispanic Conservatives

Learning from the Democrats' successful mass voter registration campaigns in the last 50 years, starting with Cat-o-Mick (Al-co-ho-lic) John F. Kennedy's "Viva Kennedy" campaign that FAILED to register the Cuban refugees in south Florida, the Hispanic voters in the 2000 and 2004 elections were attracted to George "Don Luis el Tejano" Bush in the racist anti-communist party. Mexicans love to work, but sure can be lazy on election day, and are usually protesting "Viva La Raza," "Si se puede," or whatever the beaners are saying in Spanish about illegal immigration. The Conservative work ethic, devoted religious lifestyle, and humongous families (no abortion, no divorce & no feminism) is the ultimate recipe for success for the GOP to gain Hispanic voters. ~~However, last thursday the state of Arizona made sure that hispanics will now all vote Democrat for the next 500 years. Another brilliant strategy by conservatives.~~ The dumbfuck who wrote that can't tell the difference between Hispanics and Spanish-speaking Injuns who are only "Hispanic" during election season.

"Alternative" media

FOX News TV channel: 24/7 of "unfair, imbalanced and one-sided" GW.Owned.Propaganda.
Talk radio blasting the AM airwaves with unlimited hate speech.
THE INTRNTZ. Common conservative mumbojumbo bullshit states that information gathered on the intraweb must be true enough to mention with huge whale-stopping mouths to wide audiences. This is also how all sides of evil gathers poll research that they think might sway people outside of real facts.
National Review magazine, there are no African nudes on the photo spread (see Playboy, Penthouse, or Hustler, all are neo-cons' mortal enemies).
Christian music: country-western-folk-pop-rock-hip-hop centralized around the Jesus they simultaneously preach in public life and ignore otherwise.
Jewtube, check out Ray Stevens (sorry no David Allan Coe).

Conservatism (community)

This is what conservatives consider as comedy.

conservatism is also a LiveJournal Community theoretically dedicated to discussion of right-wing politics, but generally more concerned with nonsense about Michael Moore and occasionally "what leftists think" or anti-Americanism.

Conservatives make such brilliant debaters.

Here they explore the finer aspects of Sharia Law with How would Jesus pay taxes?, TL;DR
A terror-filled article on why Vaginas are scary.
An Almost hijacked story (actually a lie) which generated over 1,000 posts. (see also almost raped)

Typical Conservative YouTube argument

National Anthem of Jesusland

Qualifications for Membership

Conservative hero talks about how he pwned a unitarian "church" link

Thank God no fetuses were killed in the shooting.

Conservatives believe sex is the ultimate evil.

You can always tell how conservative a college is by the size of the campus gloryhole.[1]

Leave eagles, the stars and stripes and/or guns everywhere you go.
Oppose any kind of fun anyone is having. Fun leads to hell.
Believe that only Republicans can save the nation.
A belief that the belief in a liberal bias of all media, ever, is a cast-iron refutation of any theory vaguely implying the poster's leftard-hood.
Don't graduate college. That's just what the liberals want.
Conveniently have amnesia about the years W was the leader of the country.
Have an irrational sexual attraction to Jews and Ronald Reagan's corpse.
Never read the bible, but claim to be an expert on it anyway.
Make long rants on how you believe liberals control the entire universe and how they fail at life. Yet, you forget to realize that you were a liberal when you were a young homosexual. This explains why conservatives retain their homosexuality but begin to hide it.
Hate niggers because they're always shooting people but oppose any sort of handgun laws.
Believe that America's oil dependency will be amply served by some shale oil fields in Alaska - even though every single government and oil company in the Universe has spent millions of dollars in research grants to reach the conclusion that it's not possible to extract oil from shale. Drill baby, drill!
Go on and on about defending freedom yet masturbate to the arrests of ~~pornographers~~ photographers.
Believe that everybody that looks at porn should get arrested.
Has the ability to sense and sniff out any Fox News employee within 1000 miles of them.
Believe that abstinence is the only way not to get pregnant. Masturbation? It's evil.
Have a strong attraction to underage boys.
Accuse libtards of being too emotional while simultaneously crying like a fag every time the National Anthem is played at a baseball game.
Believe in hard work (it doesn't apply for executives).
Taxing and spending is evil, yet unconditionally support the military which uses over half of all tax money.
Whine constantly about government deficit while being fine with tax cuts that increase the deficit.
The ability to work Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and/or Michael Moore into every conversation.
The ability to work Abortion, Gay marriage and no-fault divorce into every conversation.
Also talk about morals, ethics, rules, laws and taboos.
- Bonus: How liberals get away with breaking all of them.
Own stockpile of rifles, pistols and shotguns to "protect" you from the government, military, and law institutions that you simultaneously worship and believe can do no wrong, while also believing that your pathetic stockpile would help you if the military came after you.
Call Obama a nazi communist without realizing that the nazi party was opposed to communism. When this is pointed out, just yell louder. Conservatives can be easily recognized by their lack of critical thinking.
The ability to declare yourself a disbeliever in "political correctness" while getting butthurt if anyone says anything bad about the US military, police, Christians, Jews, Israel, White people, Jews, "red-staters", Confederacy (despite 1860s Republicans being uniformly opposed to secession and recognizing the CSA), Republicans in general, Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush in particular; or implies that the US is anything but the best country in the world.
Be a complete gullible dumbass, preferably an IQ of less than 100.
Watch Fix'd News and sincerely believe it is fair and balanced just because the self-described conservatives on air say things that you agree with.
Buy in to fear tactics, and fear the colored people (blacks, Mexicans, gays, Asians & esp. Moslems).
Hate Islam while supporting most of their policies, as opposed to liberals who love Islam but hate most of their policies.
Repressed homosexuality, often manifesting itself as blatant faggotry and actual gay sex, the memories of which are also later repressed.
Gaps in immediate memory in conjunction with anal soreness.
Lifelong financial insulation from anything resembling 'reality' (only necessary for Jew-level membership).
Constant whining about liberals being whiny or proclaiming yourself to be the 'anti-liberal.'
If owned by a high school libtard, then insult that person constantly just because he/she is a high schooler.
- Forgetting the fact that you were a libtard when you were in high school.
Tells foreigners to GTFO on issues they cannot solve.
Tell Native Americans to go back to India (LOLWAT?)
Be a Pedophile while simultaneously calling for all sex criminals and "predators" to get the death penalty.
Have a predisposition to believe that human rights and democracy are oh-so-oppressed everywhere whether it's in China, Russia, Iran, France, or Venezuela (or any other country the US government doesn't like) but at the same time, bitch and complain every time the Democrats win an election at home or, God forbid, liberals utilize their rights to free speech.
- Bitch BIG TIME about Obama being a legitimately elected representative.
Have a tendency to call anyone and everyone a 'socialist' and/or 'commie' as soon as they feel personally threatened or disagree in any way with the other person's opinions on anything.
- Not know the definition of "socialism" or "communism".
Have an identity crisis at any moment you have to use your brain, usually resorting to Christianity, alcoholism, pedophilia, and other typical vices of Catholic priests, who are great examples of Conservatives.
Knowledge of where the best public restrooms to cruise for cock are.
Speak in tongues. HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD! GOP! OBONGO! AMEN! GIT R DUN!
Go into TL;DL rants anytime they hear someone call the United States a "democracy". Because democracy never refers to a "representative democracy", only "tyranny by liberals"!. This is also true of Libertarians, which are just a type of Conservative anyway.
Believe that anybody that challenges your beliefs has been corrupted by liberals.[3]
Threaten secession, revolution, or to kill politicians, yet be deathly afraid of liberal protestors for disobeying authority.
And be a Mormon! It worked for Mitt Romney and Glenn Beck, and the Osmonds.
Make up a liberal boogeyman to get your already high cholesterol (from eating too much McDonald's) up, such as the EPA banning lead bullets, Obama wants to make the US communist, FEMA death camps, etc. spread it via chain mail and then call any skeptics or people that think you're a raving retard the "liberal mainstream media"

How to troll Conservatives OL

It should be noted that trolling conservatives is redundant since conservatives are perpetually butthurt 24/7 anyway, and spend most of their time jacking off to AM radio, bibles, and kiddie porn, so they might have too much denial to be trolled well.

In general, some fun tricks to play on conservatives are to tell them someone is either:

Trying to kill them
Making them pay taxes
Taking their jerb
Destroying their culture
Reading a book in front of them that was not written by Sean Hannity
Making them speak another language
Outlawing religion
Attempting to have a rational debate
Having gay sex
Looking at porn
Having sex before marriage
Getting an abortion
Criticising Jews
- Or even all at once
Point out that a Public Land Conservation is a rare instance where basic Conservative ideas manage to work

This does not have to be true, but if you say you're a Christian, they'll believe you. You may also have to say how much you love Jesus.

Using these simple techniques, you can easily confuse them into thinking you give a shit about what you're talking about, or things like convincing them it's good if people are guilty until proven innocent, and that it's good to give up your freedom for a false sense of security (though you should always emphasize how it is not false through dramatic technique). One important thing is to keep them on edge 24/7. This can be accomplished by bitter hags, sensationalist closet homosexuals, and FOX News. It sounds complicated, but is easy once you get the hang of it. They can even trick themselves with it! Other overdone plots:

You see, Canada is obviously superior.
I think Hillary Clinton would make an excellent President, as long as she doesn't have sexual relations with that woman's husband things should run smoothly.
Did you know that Ronald Reagan invented AIDS because he ~~hates~~ hated black people and gays? (You may or may not want to mention that he gave Jews the antidote to AIDS, permitting them to continue having unlimited buttsex.)
People should not be afraid of their government, government should be afraid of their people"
Republicans are on a war on terror, Democrats are on a war on error.

The truth about conservatives

It can be explained in a song.

	“	See the way your bourgeois, lower middle class trailer trash values work. Havin' tons of straight buggery then you go to church on Sunday, claim that you're so great. Thinkin' you've got the largest penis in the world just because you're the most morbidly obese. You're saved because you're a Christian, you'd be saved even more if you were a Jew. Conservatives shine all your light on me, oh conservatives shine all your light on me. Freedom is the thing makes you wish you were never born. It's the sort of thing that makes you wanna jerk off to gay porn. Hypocritical McCarthyists, talking about traditional values and gettin' divorced. Bemoaning the way our lifestyles are and having biracial illegitimate kids. Conservatives shine all your light on me, oh conservatives shine all your light on me.	„