Half-life

Jean-Luc Godard, the star of Half-Life.

Gabe Newell, creator of Half-Life. Need we say more?

When Jean-Luc manages to get lupus, House often takes on the burden of covering for him, and memorizing the many lines spoken throughout the game.

Half-Life, a term used to describe a first person shooter computer game, as well as the amount of life the basement dwelling nerds who play it often possess. Also, how long it'll take for that radioactive sludge to degrade into half. A first person shooter that for some reason stars film director Jean-luc Godard. The Half-Life games are universally regarded as the second best first-person shooting game ever, despite being repetitive, linear, overblown and almost as bad as Halo.

In this, the player takes control of Jean-luc, who plays a personality-free bespectacled physicist called Gordon who works in some lab in the desert. After accidentally pushing a shopping cart into a laser beam, Gordon fucks up the lab, steals a special robotic battle suit and kills hundreds of soldiers and innocent aliens.

This appeals to video game nerds because they too are glasses-wearing, socially retarded fuck-ups and it doesn't take too big a leap of their atrophied imaginations to see themselves running around the Black Mesa laboratories getting to massacre hundreds of people without their mothers grounding them.

It also appeals to twitchy, Call of Duty-playing, college fratboy sipping amphetamine pumped mountain dew type jocks because of it's simple representation of science in the only way they have the brain capacity to understand: ultimately, pushing a fucking cart.

In the sequel, Gordon proves improbably attractive to a hot gurl, thus increasing the loser appeal of the game tenfold, in a faux-Orwellian dystopian hellscape. That is the extent of the story, which proponents of the game seem to think is deep, even if there really isn't any character development, plot, or point. Apparently "deep story" means "potentially cool setting that nobody bothered to put a real story in". The whole reason the game exists is so the designers can show off their physics engine, which was cool at least 100 years ago, but now is boring as fuck. There are also parts where you drive vehicles that are as fun as getting your face chewed off by Nancy Cartwright's clam-cunt.

Both games have an online version called Counter-Strike. Beating someone at this is the Internets version of bustin' a cap in some Opie's ass, yo.

Half life is also used in physics to denote the amount of time that decaying discrete entities, such as radioactive atoms, take to reduce their mass by half. This of course does not apply when there is only one atom left, one atom will not decay into half an atom, but will rather Decay into 0 atoms, or not decay at all. tl;dr? See Physics.

Teh Gman

The Gman is ultimately, the koolest kid evar. He has the ability to shift through time and space, influencing every event that goes on in the mothafucking universe. He is like g0d in a way, except instead of a robe, he wears a shitty value village suit. Around 9000 years ago, had a meeting with santa himself, and when asked why he was letting that fuckwit freeman run around, he replied extravagantly, my good sir, for what other reason mankind do anything, other than to generate the life energy known as lulz . He is rumored to be at Xenus house right now, discussing ménage à trois over an intricate game of backgammon, while enjoying the finest of treats, chunks of spotted fetusdick.

Teh Lulz

It is a well known fact that everything that took place during the course of that day was done by Gordon for the lulz. From shooting every guard and/or scientist execution-style, to pressing the buttons on the microwave so the food overheats and explodes. Some might even say Gordon is the lulziest man at Black Mesa. In fact, that very day, Gordon decided to have the most lulz any one man could ever have by pushing a non-standard specimen into the scanning beam of a Anti-Mass Spectrometer for analysis, thus creating a resonance cascade and opening a portal between Earth and some other worldly dimension (fact). He pwned over 9,000 innocent people as a result. Lulz ensued.

Near Banruptcy

Although the game was successful, Gabe Newell's celebration of the game's success nearly caused the company to file for bankruptcy. Gabe's celebration included fat hookers, 80 subway foot long Italian BLT without vegetables and honey mustard sauce, pink colored chocolate, blow-up dolls which resembled the 3 boobed chick from Total Recall and shares in the scat porn industry. Two years after the release of the game, Valve was down to just a few hundred dollars. Gabe sought to make a couple thousand by whoring some of his employees to junkies outside clinics.

Gabe's actions nearly caused support for Half-Life 2 to come to a halt till he found out he could make money on the internets by claiming he was an ex-nigerian prince. Although this attempt was unsuccessfull to most people in the United States, United Kingdom and those countries with the funny hats, gullable people in Australia were the first to hand Gabe over the millions he needed. Although Gabe got the money back and the company was back on it's feet, this still wasn't enough to have development start on the now mythological Half-Life 2: Episode 3. Although he promises an episode 3 WILL be made, we all know he's just eating, sleeping and pooping and even all at once on a daily basis.

Gallery

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  Typical Half-Life player.
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  The most effective weapon on Half-Life.
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  The final boss of Xen is none other than a giant aborted fetus with telepathetic powers....and a spikey penis.
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• You wish.
  You wish.
• Production during Half-Life. Immense time working usually meant staff would take their shirts off.
  Production during Half-Life. Immense time working usually meant staff would take their shirts off.
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  Came with the Half-Life 2 Special Edition.
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  Where to go to verse Gabe

See also

• Doom
• Quake What the Half Life engine is based on
• Half-life 2
• Left 4 Dead
• Team Fortress 2
• Steam
• Charlie Cleveland
• Squirrelking
• Freeman's Mind
• Zoy's official fansite
• Natural Selection Mod
• Neotokyo
• Best Half-Life modification ever
• The Specialists (specialistsmod.net down) like ahl+cs, only more haters.

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