R. Kelly

R. Kelly is an American r&b "artist" and degenerate nigger.

Back in the 90s, this man's music was the soundtrack that played when losers got their dick wet for the very first time. Every time one of his generic songs came on, teenaged girls tended to turn into nymphomaniacs, and proceeded to rape anyone within spitting distance. This turned out to be his kryptonite when he started fucking the teenaged girls himself.

Early Life

Born in 1967 in Chicago, R. was a typical nigger, the only upside to his typical nigger life was the fact that he could sing. He was born and raised in Chicago's housing projects, and has claimed he was raped by a female family member as a child. Naturally, he aspired to play professional basketball, but then decided to quit after he was told he could get rich and fuck bad bitches if he became a professional musician. So he dropped out of high school and started singing on underground subway platforms.

Early on, after he started making albums, there were always rumors that he was banging some of the underaged girls that came to his shows. Nothing was done, and he continued collecting virgins.

In 1994, R. Kelly illegally married a 15 year old singer named Aaliyah. Initially, they both denied this and claimed they were only friends, but it eventually came out that Aaliyah admitted to the marriage, had the records sealed and claimed the marriage was never valid since she had used a fake ID and said she was 18.

CP and golden showers.

In 1998, he paid a 15 year old victim off after banging her in an underaged orgy.

• in 2002, after ignoring the rumors for years, a video surfaced of R. bumping and grinding, then urinating on a 15 year old girl. He was then charged with 20+ counts of child pornography. He was arrested, posted nearly a million in bail, then was later found not guilty in 2008. Black privilege, amirite?

He was also charged after numerous photos were found of a 14 year old he had been dicking down...charges were dropped for this as well.

Surviving R. Kelly, a musical

So, mainstream media decided to make a documentary about all of the above, plus allegations that he had started a sex cult. They named it "Surviving R.Kelly". This resulted in one of the funniest news interviews, ever.