Registration has been disabled and the moderation extension has been turned off.
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.

HamletMachine

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>CUNTZILLA at 22:50, 18 May 2013. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
What? This article needs moar IMAGES.
You can help by adding moar IMAGES.
HamletMachine IRL

HamletMachine (Real name Michelle Palumbo, born 1982) is a 31-year-old disgusting faghag and internet cult leader reigning from New York, 'MERICA. She is well known on the internet within the batshit insane yaoi communities on dA and y!gallery, as well as the gross fatass cunts over at /y/ for her ovary punching web-comic, Starfighter.

She is completely unashamed of her nauseating fetishes, which consist primarily of men full-on raping the shit out of each other and sparkling faggots ass-fucking. She hasn't the faintest knowledge of male anatomy, despite primarily drawing men. lolwut. Michelle has also on more than one occasion referred to a man's unlubed ass as a "boy pussy", again demonstrating her vast knowledge of the male body.

Hambrat with a bunch of fugly Sturgfurtard fans at Yaoi-con. This is why we can't have nice things.

In the early days, she had actually attached herself to more popular artists, used them for ideas and to gain popularity by association, then dumped them by the wayside once her popularity skyrocketed. These are only things that kind hearted people do, amirite?

She is well known for all-out attacking people for having remotely similar character designs or art styles, getting her legitimately psychotic friends to cyber stalk people who wronged her in some way, and of course getting super butthurt and crying when someone says something not so nice to her over the internet. Just your typical internet asshole.

Additionally, Michelle cannot take critique, has an overall shitty attitude and is a painfully unoriginal cunt who has maintained the same fucking style and quality of work for over 10 years.

Her Comic

Raep is so kawaii!!1!

It's no secret that TartletMachine's comic is one of the worst to exist ever in the history of the world, in fact, it has had a Bad Web Comics article since at least 100 years ago. Her comic is essentially cancer, and not the good kind of cancer that can be processed by the internet hate machine into lulz, it's just straight cancer. It's the kind of garbage that can make you physically ill, or perhaps blind you for life.

Back in 2009 when Michelle first started working on Starfighter, it was intended to be an inside joke between her and her friends; parodying all of the shitty yaoi cliches we've seen since the yaoi genre was birthed out of some bitch's slimy cunt. Sounds like a pretty funny idea, right? Well, once she realized how popular the comic was getting, she started to take herself uber seriously and instead of laughing at her shitty panels, she started fapping to them.

We'll spare you from a horrible fate and summarize it for normal people like you. In nearly 200 pages, the story so far is two main characters, given the super original biblical names Abel and Cain, are in some space military whose purpose or origins are not explained. Pussy Abel gets assraep'd by Cain, then he goes on to fuck another guy to make Cain jealous, and then some more catty bullshit between a handful of grown male characters about sex and relationships and stuff like 13 year old school girls. Because that's totally what they do in the military, obviously.

Somehow, all of the military men in her comic are gay, and there are no established military ranks among the soldiers or their two apparent commanding officers. Furthermore, it is not established who or fucking what they are waging an epic war against in teh spaces until the third fucking volume, and we still haven't seen what they look like or anything. wtf. All this comic consists of is blinding gay raep and characters getting all jelly over each other's men. Oh, and some random space battles strewn throughout. This shit easily makes your IQ points drop.

LotBW totally ripped her off, man!

It's clear Michelle has absolutely no remote idea how any established military works, or how homosexual relationships work for that matter. Yet she is writing a story about both. wat

 
“ 		 
All right, this has been on my mind basically forever and I wanted to get it out of my system. Starfighter obviously has a whole slew of problems with it, but one of the biggest and most glaring problems that nobody noticed is how badly the military is set up in the Starfighter universe. I’m only assuming that it’s military because of the uniforms and space-battles and the fact that they’re fighting some war or whatever.

So under this assumption, I’d like to say that Starfighter’s military is pure shit. Apparently the only qualifications to get into it is to a) be an androgynous teenage boy and b) not be a woman. You’d think with this being set in the future the military would have been more open-minded about the whole ‘WOMEN IN THE MILITARY.’ But maybe I’m wrong! Maybe the reason women aren’t allowed in the military anymore is because they’ll get in the way of all the gay sex that seems rampant in the ranks. Maybe in the Starfighter universe, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ now falls under those weirdos that like to put their dicks into vaginas. Fucking breeders ruin everything, god.

And oh boy has regulation gotten lax considering emo hair, coon-tails, and ear gauges are TOTES OKAY to wear now! Man! If I weren’t born with a uterus, I’d love to join Space Army (wearing togas in the forest with a bunch of other weird chicks that listen to space music or some shit has no appeal to me, sorry hamlet). But even if I did have a penis, my arms are too big to be acceptable within the ranks of pre-pubescents and my hair is like, a dusty brown, so where would I fit in? I wouldn’t fit in the HYPER-AGGRESSIVE BLACK HAIRED MAN-DOGS or the delicate blonde/white of EASILY BROKEN EMOTIONALLY WEAK MAN-CHILDREN. Where do brunettes go hamlet? DO YOU HATE BROWN HAIR, HAMLET? PRETTY SURE THAT’S A SORT OF DISCRIMINATION. Now I don’t want to go to Space Army because I’d be made fun of for being heterosexual and having real human emotions by a bunch of uniformed prima-donnas. Because in space, nobody can hear your feelings get hurt.

Speaking of getting hurt, training seems to have all but disappeared too! Because from what I gathered browsing through military recruiting websites (the real ones, not the space ones), it seems EVERYONE has to go through training (yes, even blonde people who won’t be doing any direct fighting)! You know that thing that people have to go through to make sure they’re capable of handling a FUCKING WAR ZONE? Or shooting a gun? Or learning how to not cry when that hunky fellow you’ve been digging doesn’t really like you?

PPSSSSHHHHFFFTTTT. BULLSHIT. YOU DON’T NEED ANY OF THAT. WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO EXCEPT ENSURE THAT YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR COMRADES SHOULD THE WORST HAPPEN LIKE ENEMIES BREAKING INTO YOUR BASE AND SHOOTING UP ALL THE PEOPLE THAT KNOW HOW TO USE GUNS? Because if I were a bad guy, I wouldn’t think of that. Killing all the capable people first and watching all the nerds and twig-arms flail about and suffer under the crushing might of my ranks because they’d sooner shoot their own faces off trying to figure out which side of the gun makes the ‘bang’ sounds.

No wonder the Cole-Trains are curbstomping Space Army. Everyone is more worried about their relationships with their gay love interests rather than FIGHTING IN A FUCKING WAR. IN SPACE.
 

„
 

— -A random internet person speaking a brutal truth about Starfighter.

the cover for the Bearfighter parody comic

Furthermore, she has a hard time coming up with original ideas, as her comic alone is pretty much a scene-by-scene parody of the 1996 yaoi movie Legend of the Blue Wolves, which is essentially about a space military fighting some alien race and it's loaded with rape and castration and other super fucked up abuse. You know, the kind of stuff Michelle is totally into. That sure doesn't sound familiar at all. Any other "ideas" she's come up with are based off of Star Wars and other god awful bullshit like every other yaoi ever written in the first place. She uses her friends for her golden nuggets - even the basic idea to give her characters names came from her friend. lol r u srs, bro? Not to mention, her characters all look the fucking same with exception of different hairstyles, and they all have the exact same body type. She's seriously trying, guys!

Her comic is so notoriously bad, many parodies exist of it, including a new one called Bearfighter which is only a page in and not even 3 months old, but already a hit. It's pretty clear that this parody will be automatically better than the original by default.

Her Fans

omg sew hawt, guys

Despite being obviously terrible and full-on soul destroying, her comic has somehow managed to receive well over 9000 creepy fans, but thankfully they're the kind of people who more than likely live in cum-incrusted basements and rarely see the light of day. What's interesting about her fans is the vast majority of them seem to worship her like some kind of Goddess from Hell - some have offered to drink her blood and legitimately bear her spawn of Hamlet. And, they're all apparently super fucking delusional. Most of the fans of her comic, despite having masturbated to every single page of the comic five times over, are convinced there is no rape or abuse in her comic, and that Hambrat is actually the best comic writer in history. What is this I don't even

When people talk shit about Starfighter, the typical Starfighter fanbrat will vehemently defend the comic and their Goddess, usually by saying shit like "WELL OBVIOUSLY HER ART IS BETTER THAN YOURS" and the classic "IT'S HOT SO WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT YOU THINK!!1!one!", because these 13-year-old closet lesbians are really, really that smart. IRL, Starfighter fans are told personally by Hamlet that they make her wet, further encouraging their abhorrent and obnoxious behavior, both OL and IRL. What a sick fuck.

As can be assumed, her fans also believe Hamlet is capable of no wrongs fucking EVER, and when they come across some sort of evidence of Hamlet being a cunt to someone, they tell themselves and everybody around them they obviously deserved her wrath, even when said person has never come across Hamlet before in their entire life and was just minding their own fucking business. When people point out to them Hamlet is a total bitch, they just accuse everybody of being jealous of Hamlet and her God-like abilities.

Her Art

Typical demented artwork from Hamtard

Michelle's art consists of lazy-eyed, scrawny, no-lipped bishies with no body hair and asses that look like lumpy potatoes. She often draws nipples in the middle of the chest, assholes where vaginas should be (hence "boy pussy" I suppose), and quite obviously broken noses on all her characters. So fucking hot. When asked why she draws the same cookie-cutter body type for all her characters, her response is "this is the body type I find most attractive". Hey, don't judge her, she just wants to get off to her own comic. Let her make all her fucking characters her ideal men, you asshole!!!!

As previously stated, she hasn't improved in any way for more than 10 years, as you can clearly see from years and years of her soul-raping artwork. This has been attributed to the vast amounts of ass-kissing given by her mentally handicapped fans assuring her that her artwork is already perfect and in no way needs improvement. Her anatomy is so bad that, yet again, many parody fanarts exist on the amazing hate machine that is the internet, illustrating the many fundamental flaws that exist in her understanding of basic anatomies.

Michelle is also almost never seen drawing non-porn. Everything she does is injected with her mind-raping, nightmare fueling fetishes, which include men being anally penetrated by slime, young bishie men having their dicks milked as part of some fucked up cult ritual, young boys fucking dildos that are bigger than their own heads - need I list more?

Despite having absolutely cringe-worthy fetishes, a laughably shitty comic and poor artwork, it's also apparent she has an abhorrent personality as well.

Drama and Bullshit

As a typical popular online artist with a super inflated ego, Michelle has a hard time with criticism of any kind. She demonstrates this a variety of different ways, usually by IP banning people from her website for offering her constructive criticism, or accusing them of being BULLSHIT LIAR CYBER BULLIES with poor taste. Or, you know, giving them snotty attitude followed by a block. Cute! And this bitch actually went to a prestigious fine arts school in New York and actually graduated. How did that even happen, what?

When an inquiry was made, the truth was revealed. Bawww hammie's feelings were hurted :(

Back in 2011, Hamlet went to the mods at Y!gallery to complain about a parody Starfighter fanart on the site that had been there for at least a year before, saying that it hurt her feelings. She said it was her birthday and as a small gift would like it deleted. As the y! mods are all retards, of course they obliged and the piece was removed. I guess even y! mods aren't immune to Michelle's cult of the personality, either. It's clear Hambrotato can't take a joke in the slightest and has thinner skin than the fantasy slime dildos she draws for herself.

Additionally, she has a history of systematically, along with her friends, stalking and harassing numerous artists whom she accuses of stealing her precious ideas and art style. Because her shit is so fucking original in the first place, amirite? Ironically, Hammie is quick to pull out the cyberbully card when she receives criticism on her piece of shit comic. When this image appeared in artist-confessions a couple months ago revealing the extent to which Hamlet and her friends harass random artists on the internet, within 30 minutes Hamlet requested it be deleted. Yet, she left the ones calling her a "attention whore bitch" among other particularly true confessions about her up on the blog. I wonder why? Something you're hiding there, hambrat?


When people give poor cult leader Hammie a hard time, she largely relies on her full-out psychotic internet buddies to white-knight for her. What's hilarious about this is, her friends are not only batshit insane and unleash waves of crazy that are well documented by Anon, but that they're stupid enough to blow her cover and clue people in as to who sent them.

onorobo

Hamlet's favorite personal white-knight is onorobo (alt account uke-sama, real name Katie), who is so full of crazy it's almost enough to drown the world. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm so fucking not. Fortunately, her hilarious level of insanity is well-documented and makes for some serious lulz. You better pop some popcorn, faggot.

onorobo being super nice

onorobo, a 22-year old art student who looks an awful lot like a crackhead, has a very long history of attacking people for the most trivial of reasons, but the most common reason is insulting her precious Hammie-chan. Even making a light-hearted joke about her goddess is enough to make her absolutely lose her shit and stalk you into eternity. It's believed that onorobo is mentally unstable, most likely paranoid schizophrenic or bipolar, and doesn't fully realize just how crazy she comes across.

She will obsessively stalk and harass people for Hamlet, for fucking years even, and has no qualms about publicly admitting it either. She has also publicly attacked people for making parody art of Starfighter and launched all-out flame wars against said individuals. What makes us sad is she's threatened to write ED articles for people even though has no idea what trolling is. NO WONDER ED IS GOING TO SHIT, FUCK YOU!! Well, at least she's being honest.

What's funny is she's actually a much better artist than Hamlet. But for some reason, she literally stumbles over herself in the presence of Hamlet or her sick ass scribbles and constantly brags about HOW GREAT Hamlet is at art and life and stuff in general and how she's nowhere as good as that bitch. If perhaps ono wasn't a crazy fuck the internet peepole would be cool with her.

In her very little spare time, onorobo will take videos of her pasty-white crackwhore ass trying to be all cute and sends them to Hamlet on tumblr. Because other than twinks raping each other, this is apparently what Hamlet gets off to. And I'm sure onorobo gets off to Hamlet getting off to her, so it's one gigantic fucking circle jerk.

onorobo depicted in her native habitat, a crackhouse.

Additionally, onorobo writes a comic that indulges in her sick bully fetish. Not sure how common that is, but it obviously exists. She apparently gets turned on by bishie schoolboys beating the shit out of each other and then fucking. If this cunt could add any more crazy points to her crazy meter, she'd be in a mental hospital right about now. Or... maybe she already is? OH SHI-

Personal Life

Being a notably private person, Hamlet doesn't release much personal info to the web. Almost no pictures of her can be found anywhere, and her real name is kept a secret besides her last name (M. Palumbo). For the longest time, many people didn't even know for sure whether or not she was even male or female.

However, that all changed. Back in 2012, Michelle was interviewed by The Huffington Post and an article was written about her and her comic. We have no idea why they decided she was worthy of an article, we can only assume they had nothing better to waste their time on. The article was super personal and featured a couple unflattering pictures of poor Hammie, so she made sure noone knew it even existed. Fortunately for us, the article resurfaced this year after some Starfighter fantard found it while searching google results for stuff to fap to. They posted it to tumblr and the rest as you know is good, juicy history.

She essentially admitted in the article that her characters and her comic turn her on. Fapping to your own fictional characters and having no shame about it whatsoever. Michelle is definitely one of society's best.

In other personal deets, Michelle is an unashamed hardcore fan of known hermaphrodite Lady Gaga, which is pretty fucking fitting if you ask me. Lady Gag is the only other thing Hamlet will spend precious time drawing other than gay pr0nz. Both are pretty disgusting, so I don't know which is worse tbh.

She is also a militant vegan who lives in an apartment in New York City, apparently with a live-in boyfriend, but we're pretty sure that part is just bullshit. When not at home slobbering over mediocre gay erotica, she's at work drawing cartoons for a children's TV show. Yeah, you read that last part correctly. A TV show for children. Stop the planet, I want to get off now.

Bullshit

  • HamletMachine's stock response to perfectly constructive criticism.
    HamletMachine's stock response to perfectly constructive criticism.
  • Giving my characters names? GIRL, U GENIUS!!1
    Giving my characters names? GIRL, U GENIUS!!1
  • Typical delusions of the average Starfighter fanbrat.
    Typical delusions of the average Starfighter fanbrat.
  • onorobo losing her shit yet again
    onorobo losing her shit yet again
  • Criticism is just another word for cyber bully! let's make fun of their artwork together and feel good about ourselves <3
    Criticism is just another word for cyber bully! let's make fun of their artwork together and feel good about ourselves <3
  • Say whaaaaaaaat
    Say whaaaaaaaat
  • TRY TO BEHAVE!
    TRY TO BEHAVE!

Her pr0nz

  • Because this is what REAL men's asses look like.
    Because this is what REAL men's asses look like.
  • Lazy eyes are sooo hot right now
    Lazy eyes are sooo hot right now
  • Pencil dick
    Pencil dick
  • absolute nightmare fuel
    absolute nightmare fuel
  • Hamlet's fanart for OFF. Seriously, is there nothing she doesn't corrupt with her fucked up fantasies?
    Hamlet's fanart for OFF. Seriously, is there nothing she doesn't corrupt with her fucked up fantasies?
  • Yeah, ass fuck me with your monster tongue!
    Yeah, ass fuck me with your monster tongue!
  • What fucking a bee totally looks like.
    What fucking a bee totally looks like.


How to troll Hamlet

  • Tell her that her comic is just Legend of the Blue Wolves but with shittier character designs.
  • Offer her constructive criticism in public, and let the shitstorm 9000 begin.
  • If you have balls the size of the empire state building, try approaching her IRL at Yaoi-con and tell her you're a huge fan her comic, Bearfighter.


External Links


 HamletMachine
is part of a series on
GAY PORN!

[LOL AIDSFap fap fap]

HamletMachine is part of a series on

DeviantART

Visit the DeviantART Portal for complete coverage.

HamletMachine is part of a series on

Anime

Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.

HamletMachine is part of a series on

Homosexual Deviants

Visit the Faggotry Portal for complete coverage.

Retrieved from "http://edramatica.com/index.php?title=HamletMachine&oldid=267770"