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Jolene JRyda
 | This juggalette is against Cyber bullying. |
Through the careful investigation and research done by brave EDiots working tirelessly to ensure the factual accuracy of the Juggalo article, Facebook trolls encountered the biggest lolcow in the Juggalo community since Anabelle Lotus, the one and only Jolene JRyda (Powerword: Jolene Hafer). A self proclaimed juggalette and a horrible mother whose failure in life could never be matched; she was a woman who dedicated herself to such fantastic hobbies like being a terrible mother, promising to marry a registered sex offender, smoking weed, showing off her crater tits on the interwebz, being an annoying attention whore on Failbook, blowing cigarette smoke in her babies face, posing for pictures with a pellet gun, dumping her kid off on her mother so she could go drink tequila and do blow all night, and proclaiming to all of Facebook that 'Haters make me famous!'. However, in the end all the haters really made her do was fake her suicide.
In the beginning...
Jolene was your typical girl on the internet who added anyone to her Facebook friends who appeared to be down with the clown and left all her information on her profile public for anyone to see. Jolene basked in the glory of the attention she received from the juggalo community until the good folks at Juggalo Baby Stillborn Depository and Crematorium got their hands on two rather lulzy posts on her profile.
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Jolene seems to be giving Casey Anthony a run for mother of the decade. -
But she totally wasn't talking about cocaine, right guise?
From here, Jolene was left with no option but to claim that nose candy didn't mean cocaine, that she had a window open when she smoked with her baby in her arms, and that that wasn't her baby sitting in her lap in the top right photo where she is holding up a nug of weed up for the camera. Her personal army of mouth breathing juggatards did their best to white knight for Jolene, but in the end it did no good when confronted with the indisputable proof that was laid in front of them.
The flame wars between the juggalos and Facebook trolls continued for weeks until one troll dropped a bombshell that forced Jolene to do the one thing that noone thought she would do.
Goodnight sweet ninja
Jolene had immediately disappeared when confronted with her internet immortality, and many trolls had concluded that she had finally learned her lesson and turned off her computer. The truth was much more lulzy than anyone could have ever imagined, as it turned out that Jolene had done the only reasonable thing to do in this situation:
Immediately after posting this status update on her soon-to-be deleted Facebook profile, she hatched the perfect plan to shake dem haters off: convince your mom to go along with your faked death on Facebook.
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LOL JK GUISE! -
Phyllis Hafer proves that when it came to Jolene's amazing parenting skills, she get it from her momma. -
More of her mother's boldfaced lies, after Jolene removed her sister's moralfaggotry.
While the only people who were stupid enough to believe this bullshit were Juggalos, Jolene did everything in her power to convince the Facebook world that she had in fact killed herself. She sent a poorly written message to the troll who kicked it up a notch in order to gain sympathy with the hopes of getting him to remove the photo from Encyclopedia Dramatica, but since he wasn't a juggalo he knew better and was able to use his powers of deduction to come to the conclusion that all of this was complete bullshit.
The plain fact is that if this woman had actually an hero'd, then the mainstream media who has a boner for stories like these would have jumped on this shit and Faux News would have dedicated a full 24 hours to covering every detail of this story. But in reality, Jolene was past the point of no return and at this point had no other choice but to stick to her story to the bitter end. So she ran with it, going as far as creating a petition on the White House website and creating an anti-cyberbullying memorial page on Facebook that has since been changed to remove all claims of Jolene's death taken over by dang, dirty, trolls reported to hell and back by butthurt juggalos and Mike Long until Facebook finally deleted it.
Lucky for you, one troll was smart enough to snag a screencap of the cyberbullying memorial page prior to Jolene deleting fucking everything.
Fucking hoaxes, how do they work?
Bricks were shat all over Facebook when Jolene's sister proved that at least one person in her family wasn't a complete piece of shit and called her out in front of everyone.
Jolene had no other choice at this point but to delete her Facebook profile and go into damage control. But alas, it was too late. The anti juggalo facebook pages had gotten a hold of the screencap and lulz were had by all.
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The original screencap leak that ruined the hoax for Jolene. -
Even her fellow juggalos were disgusted by her behavior at this point. -
The shitstorm that was unleashed upon the Juggalo Holocaust Facebook page. -
Not even Obama can help you take down Encyclopedia Dramatica.
As of now. Jolene is still in hiding and sticking to her story that she is dead. But one would have to wonder exactly how one would be able to create a profile on the Facebook ripoff Juggalobook from beyond the grave?
The one obvious fact we have been able to take from this is that the ghost of Jolene managed to learn absolutely nothing from all of this and is still up to the same old bullshit. Facebook trolls who are currently undercover in the juggalo community assure us that the story is not close to its conclusion and many lulz are still to be had. Stay tuned... Actually faggot go here nao. OOPS BALEETED BY CYBERPOLICE It turned out that this was all a bunch of bullshit cooked up by Jolene herself and cyberbullying white knight extraordinaire Mike Long.
Epilogue
Cut to one week ago. The butthurt was flowing strong through Jolene's bloodstream as she had obviously been bested by those dang dirty trolls. Through the actions of her sockpuppet account, she conspired with conservatard Mike Long(baleeted) and some retarded juggacunt named Viv White to fake her own death.
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Because its obvious that the man in charge of faking your death should be a redneck who believes Obama is faking mass murders in America in order to take away your guns. -
Who thought creating your own fake memorial page could be so fun? -
When all else fails, say this looks shopped.
Since taking advice from rednecks and juggalos is always a good idea, Jolene went forward with the plan of faking her own death. Only she didn't plan on anyone in her family having any moral objections to this horrible idea and she was forced to panic and delete everything from her memorial page once the screenshots were leaked of her sister being a decent human being. Since they didn't have any real proof of Jolene's fake suicide, they removed all claims of her definite suicide, disabled her IRL account, and changed the official statement of the cyberbullying page to "Yes at first this page was dedicated to Jolene, There are holes in the story of her death, So we decided to take a different route. Now this page like all of you has a past. No one should be judged from there past, they should be seen as a person.-Paul". They then pretended to to hand the page over to some gay dude named Paul, which anyone reading this bullshit knows that Paul never existed. In reality, it turned the cyberbullying page into watching one stupid fucking redneck argue with himself to try to gain the trust of trolls.
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Redneck logic. -
While nobody was stupid enough to buy any of this shit, it was tolerated only for the fact that watching Mike Long argue with himself with multiple Facebook accounts was pretty fucking lulzy. When everyone got tired of his bullshit, Viv White's profile got stolen from her because she was stupid enough to have her facebook password as 'juggalo'. The Juggaslows of the Facebook world all shed a tear for their fallen ninja, and the world carried on. Even Jolene couldn't figure it out until someone literally spelled it out for her.
Jolene trying to figure out who was phone.
In the aftermath of all this stupid retarded bullshit, Mike Long and Jolene JRyda both deleted their accounts for the time being are back on Facebook and up to the same old bullshit. Viv White's account has become a memorial for the stupidity of juggalos and their internet security, and Mike Long is still on Facebook hiding behind the anonymity of a page for stupid rednecks to cry about losing their gun rights. Jolene's baby daddy has finally got sick of her shit, which has to be an all time low for her when a registered sex offender is finished putting up with your bullshit. Currently both parties are gearing up for a custody battle that regardless of the outcome will have only one loser.
What all of this drama and bullshit really boils down to is this : Jolene faked her own death due to her supposed cyberbullying by 1337 HaX0rZ, and the reason she did this (in her own words) was to ensure that nobody else ever had to go through the hardships of being bullied that she went through. In reality, if she never would have barged her way into a page on Facebook that obviously shared a differing opinion on her way of life and started a fight with people who thrive on pissing other people off, none of this would have ever fucking happened. If Jolene would have turned off her fucking computer, and was able to continue living the life that she had chosen for herself without becoming extremely butthurt over what a bunch of faggots on the internet thought about her way of life this article you are reading would have never existed.
Let this be a lesson, that even when it comes to two middle aged men who wear makeup and rap about magnets... The Internet Is Serious Business.
UPDATE: Jolene has now fled the shit state of Arizona, dumped her three kids on her sex offender ex-fiancee to take care of alone, and has now infested the great state of Texas with her shitty clown lifesyle. She now sits her saggy ass at home while her new wicked clown gangsta boyfriend works hard to provide her with the opportunity of smoking Mexican dirt weed all day while she attention whores on her facebook page, Juggalo Juggalette Love lulz she actually got her adminship removed after her juggalo fam got sick of her bullshit. It's blatantly obvious that Jolene has learned absolutely nothing, seeing as how she still posts lots of pictures of weed on her profile, brags about not having her children anymore, and then finds the nerve to whine about the heat she's brought upon herself from police. Also worth noting is the fact that when it comes to her and her sex offender baby daddy, the sick fuck who diddled underage kids is the better parent who stepped up and took care of his kids in the end. Israel Browning, aka Izzy Weed, this bottle of Faygo is for you. Oh yeah, and Jolene is still trying to have more kids when she can't even provide for the three she already has and refuses to stop smoking weed or drinking cheap, shitty beer.
And I almost forgot, this one time Viv White called the cyberpolice on a bunch of anonymous trolls. OH NOES!
See also
- Juggalos
- Juggalo Holocaust
- Dang dirty trolls
- Insane Clown Posse
- Lolcow
- Butthurt
- Redneck
- White Trash
- Sockpuppet
- Attention Whore
- Asking For It
- Taking Down ED
- LifeInATent
- MeganSpeaks
- Internet Celebrity
- An Hero
- Ginger
- GOTIS
- Shitty Attack Article
- Anabelle Lotus
- Jokawild
- Go-
- Angelique DeSatanos
- Pop Parenting
External Links
- The original screencap that unleashed a shitstorm upon Facebook and made Juggalos cry everywhere.
- This is what you can safely assume Jolene is doing these days.
- Jolene's Faceboook
- You guessed it, one more fucking Facebook profile.
- Who the fuck needs three Facebook accounts?
- Her ptch account, with lulzy videos that will give you a good idea of how her life is these days.
- Her myspace account
- Jolene's Instagram. Worth noting is that out off 66 pictures in her profile, only one of them is a picture of a child and it isn't even her own child.
- The father of Jolene's unfortunate children, a registered sex offender who seemed to be MIA through all this bullshit except to tell us 'carmas a bitch u low life scum bag'
- The troll who caused a juggalette to commit suicide because of super srs clown-related internets bznss.
- Another account belonging to the troll above.
- The stupid juggalette who was dumb enough to have her facebook password set as 'juggalo'.
- Viv White's unhacked account.
- A shitty juggaturd facebook page that Jolene runs along with another couple of juggawhores. She has now been removed from adminship due to all the bullshit that comes along with having an admin who faked her death on Facebook.
Jolene's fake memorial page turned anti-cyberbullying page turned troll hangout.baleeted- The closed Juggalo group on Facebook that was taken over by trolls as a result of Viv White's password retardation. The lulz is strong with this one.
Jolene's newly created profile on the failsite Juggalobook- 404.Jolene's fradulent petition with the White House to combat cyberbullying using her faked death to garner support- Deleted.- The anti-juggalo Facebook group responsible for birthing this lolcow
- Reverbnation profile
- Jolene's Youtube channel
- Jolene's Google+ page
- Soundcloud profile
- Profile on screenr.com
- Her listia profile
- Jolene's profile on meetme.com
- StumbleUpon profile
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Jolene JRyda is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Jolene JRyda is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article January 27th and 28th, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by Saya no Uta |
Jolene JRyda | Succeeded by Lilypichu |