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Brenda Ann Spencer
Brenda Ann Spencer (a.k.a. The Garfield Killer) was an edgy teenage lesbian whose daddy made the brilliant decision to buy her a rifle for her 16th birthday despite the fact that he had been molesting her for years. On Monday, January 29, 1979, finally fed up with years of abuse and high as fuck on PCP, Brenda decided to take out her brand-spanking-new Ruger and end her life in style. Being too much of a fucking pussy to just blow a hole in her daddy's head and feeling that it would be too heterosexual to stick the barrel of a gun in her mouth, Brenda instead decided that she would get the police to do the job for her.
Seeing as she lived directly across from Cleveland Elementary School in San Diego, Brenda decided that the fastest way to get the cops to blow her brains out would be to snipe some squeakers from the comfort of her bedroom. Unfortunately, despite managing to kill both the school principal and custodian, Brenda had neglected to factor in the fact that the police in Commiefornia would be too fucking soft to shoot a 16-year-old white bitch even if she was shooting directly at children and cops. After being arrested and asked why she did it, Brenda responded with the unforgettable phrase "I don't like Mondays."
Despite utterly failing to kill herself and still being alive to this very day, Brenda Ann Spencer did help make America's National Pastime popular again following a nearly 15 year hiatus since Charles Whitman's Tumor and 50 years since Andrew Kehoe invented the sport by blowing up a fucking elementary school. Brenda is also notable for being the first woman to participate in school shooting under Title IX.
While Brenda's high score of a mere 2 kills and 9 injuries is laughably horrible, she still managed to beat out Encyclopædia Dramatica's very own William "AlGore" Atchison in pretty much every category except becoming an heroine. How's it feel getting your dead freckled arse kicked by a fucking 16-year-old girl, Willie?
The Song
Being a dumb woman, she actually got a song dedicated to her killings, by famous scam artist Bob Geldorf.
High Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 2/20 What do you expect from a woman? |
| Accuracy: | 17/20 Good at sniping but bad at actually killing anything. |
| Style: | 20/20 Camping done right. |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 First major school shooting since Charles Whitman. |
| Bonus: | 20/20 Fuckin' Mondays. |
| Total score: 79/100 (C+) | |
Wanted Level:
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Police Force
Gallery
See Also
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Brenda Ann Spencer is part of a series on Visit the Faggotry Portal for complete coverage. |
