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Killzone 2
Killzone 2 is said to have the greatest graphics of all time by every PS3 fanboy that exists, has existed and will exist. Like your typical generic shooter you point the crosshair and press a button to fire, and offers nothing new in terms of innovation, revolution or content, but all that shit doesn't matter when it has the greatest graphics of all time, amirite? No, of course I'm not right, because even it's RL graphics can't save it from the fact that it's useless shovelware that tricks gamers into thinking they actually have the skill to headshot someone.
The color (colour if your a Britfag) pallet in the game is otherwise steaming dog shit. It is as dry and bland as your over 9,000 year old ancestors pussy. In fact the only colors used are brown, black and gray. It makes Gears of War look like a fucking rainbow.
Graphics + Console Wars
Upon release, every single Gaystation fanboy you can think of jumped on the bandwagon and argued that the game had the best graphics of all time, being unrivaled to games such as Crysis (whose system requirements caused most computers to crash and burn). Surely enough, a giant fucking war erupted between Microsoft fags and Sony dipshits on sites such as Gamespot and IGN, whilst Nintendo Wii owners just hid in the corner and cried because of they're shitty console's hardware limitations.
Surely enough, games such as Crysis, Gears of War, and Far Cry were being trash talked by the rabid fanboys who bought this game. As you can tell, both parties suffered extreme nerd rage. No really, you should see some of the fucking flame wars that erupt on some of these internet forums. Gamespot's System Wars looks like a fucking bombed-out Israeli town.
Because a PS3 costs more then a third world country these days, anyone who bought this game will immediately try to glorify it so they can feel like it was worth getting a 2nd mortgage to buy a Playstation 3. Another subject argued by the fanboys, who believe they are professional New York accountants with PhD's in such areas, is Killzone 2's sales. You can help by trolling them and telling them Killzone has only sold 400k copies, in which you will immediately be bombarded with an endless wave of 'SONY SED KILLZONE 2 ALREADY SOLD 1 MILLION!!!!!WTF DONGCOPTER BBQ!!'. Srsly, if those fanboys knew about this article it'd get vandalized more then your grandma's grave.
It should also be noted that the game cost $60 million to make, which is more then most movies. Surely with the four years of hype that this shitheap has received it's sales would've been tremendous and made the budget all the worth while, but obviously not. That's what you get when your key demographic are a bunch of whiny little dipshits who rely on their parents to buy them video games!
—Your typical PS3 fanboy's first language is not English. | ||
—Same fanboy, after reading an intelligent argument. | ||
—Don't try to argue with him, this guys obviously right. | ||
Single Player
The plot of the single player campaign is nothing new. You have most probably seen this action-thriller somewhere else at least 10 times in your life, whether it be in a movie, video game, book, anime or possibly one of the many wet dreams you've had. It has all the makings of a classic Summer action blockbuster, but fails hard because it adds to the continuing redundancy that the entertainment industry is going through. If at any time at all you think the story is original, I suggest you lurk moar so that you can see you are wrong. Now, see how many cliches you can spot!
It begins in the intergalactic depths of space when a voyage of spaceships operated by the government are attempting to take over a planet. At first they are successful, but end up getting owned when it turns out the enemy has been hiding their secret weapons. A group of surviving soldiers embark on a mission to find a way to disable the towers. They end up getting captured by the enemy, and during their time at the POW camps are forced to engage in regular buttsex.
You and some Hespanic tough guy rebel are the only two who haven't been captured and you set off to find your butt buddies. Once you find them, they are almost executed. Your character, because he is a pussy faggot, decides to wait for the right time, but the greasy Spaniard decides to rush the enemy with guns blazin' for great justice. In doing so, most of the enemies are killed, but the General escapes. During the struggle, one of your team mates is mortally wounded, but its ok because he was also a greasy Mexican.
You call for a transport ship to pick you up, but whilst you wait you get swarmed by a bunch of Nazis and must fend them off until help arrives. Eventually reinforcements arrive and you are saved, but the Mexican guy was wounded dies. A moment of sadness and mourning is had, but he is quickly forgotten and the characters board the fleet. Once in the air, the fleet of ships gets attacked and enemy troops begin boarding. Several more good troopers die, as does the commander in chief, whose name is Jan Templar, so you can tell he's not a faggot. The ships crash back down to the planet, and miraculously by coincidence, your ship crashes into the control center for the enemies' secret weapons and defenses.
Your entire army then launches an all out Ddos-esque assault on the capital city, but are epically trolled when a nuke is set off, pretty much wiping out your entire army and preventing all their base from belonging to you. Despite this, your character doesn't know when to give up and still tries to take out the enemy. You end of killing the General and the leader of the other army, but the game ends there showing the entire enemies army killing the remainder of yours.
So how many cliches did you find? I found at least 16.
Weapons
- M82 Assault Rifle - lacks the chainsaw in Gears of War, making automatic fail
- LS14 Shotgun - If you lack the skill to attain headshots and skillful kills, the shotgun is for you
- M227 Grenade Launcher - Protip: Troll your multiplayer friends online by blowing up the environment and blocking them with obstacles
- VC9 Rocket Launcher - ^^See above^^
- VC-1 Flamethrower - Killing things with fire, is there no better passtime?
- VC32 Sniper Rifle - Feel like a player without actually joining the game
- C4 - If you are so shit that none of the above weapons work for you, try deleting fucking everything with some C4
There are a billion other useless weapons that noone uses which are not worthy of mention here.
Killzone 1
There was another game before this released on the PS2, but it got such shit reviews Sonyfags would rather you not talk about it because it reminds them of their emotional scars. The game was plagued with glitches and crappy graphics, so it's a huge fucking surprise that Killzone 2 would receive so much attention.
It was originally known as the "Halo killer" by many who believed it was going to be an epic adventure. It received the same amount of hype and attention that Killzone 2 received but turned out to be the horrible cock rock equivalent to gaming. Really, it comes as a great surprise that Killzone 2 was hyped the shit out of at all.
Another game for the PSP was released called Killzone: Liberation but I doubt you've ever heard of that, have you?
Skirmish
This mode makes every Killzone fanboy interact intelligently while blowing the brains out of their opponents. This is a very diverse and strategic game to beat the other side. The point of this mode is to do things such as capture the posts and assassination as much as possible before going to bed at 6 P.M. Trolling is practically impossible unless you are so skilled at the art that you can run in with a weapon with low ammo and manage to kill three people.
See Also
- Halo-Killzone's affeminate brother. Starring a man in a motocross helmet.
- Sony
- Playstation 3
- FPS
- Console Wars
External Links
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Killzone 2 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
