Closet Furry

This article needs moar Facts. You can help by adding moar Facts.

For some sick reason, furries generally accept their perverted urges to fuck 40 year old basement dwellers in fox suits; that's an accepted fact. But what do you get when the furry in question doesn't want his acne-afflicted faggot D&D playing friends to know?

A day in the life. Of you.

Common example of a closet furry.

What is a Closet Furry?

A closet furry is, quite simply, a furfag who is ashamed — and rightly so — of being a sick cunt. He'll hide in his dark, fecal-smelling basement, fapping to Fchan and rolling in his own excrement like a common cur. Chances are that they also cut, and are consequently an emo faggot contemplating their next anthro Waycest fanfic. They will, when accused of being a furry, with all sincerity deny their sexuality but will promptly download — and fap to — infamous bestiality videos such as Mr. Hands.

Common Traits of Closet Furries

Closet furries also include those who name their Internet pseudonym after a Pokémon.

Not furries.

If any of these conditions are met, the individual in question is a fucking furfag, and should be castrated and skinned alive.

• If their dog/cat/plushie/mudkip has an asshole the size of KirkJ's
• If they have WikiFur in their browser history
• If the individual in question has some sort of unexplainable wardrobe malfunction
• If they send you self-contradicting MySpace messages:

Another trait of closet furries; Simply_Ghastly discussing his furfaggotry with a friend

The Cat Excuse

A common fursona ploy is using a cat in their name. There, people can say that they're furries to their yiff-mate(s), but then claim they're just fans of lolcats to others. For example, SmokeyTheCat on TOW is known as the biggest furfag ever. SmokeyTheCat, however, has no relation at all to SchmuckyTheCat, who is not a furryDISREGARD THAT I SUCK FURRY COCKS

The Freudian Slip

When you base your criteria of a mate on a fictionalized animal, you are living vicariously through your fetish.

Some closet furries reveal themselves through Freudian slips. Blu Aardvark, for example, had an uncontrollable urge to say his fursona "aardvark" all the time.

What to do if You are a Closet Furry

1. DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING
2. Kill everybody who knows.

Suspected Closet Furries

This graph determines if you are a closet cheesefag

• You
• Another n00b — WikiFur editor and one of the more frequent IRC users
• Bigblackspook
• Blu Aardvark — not a furry?
• Bronies
• btards
• Butch Otter
• Chris-chan — the evidence is there
• Danedinodance — come on guize, totally not a furry
• Degen
• Doutaini - members fail to accept the fact that roleplaying magical elemental wolves automatically makes you a furry
• GreenRaeper — officially denies being a furry
• Meepsheep — Hates furry scum, but has an animal avatar
• Jeremy Bernal -- claims to just be doing it to make money as well
• Lucky Coyote — "I'm just doing this to make money! I'm not a furry at all!"
• Marukomuru
• Meowy
• Miltopia
• Otacon — We really know the otaku obsession is just a mask at his closed furfagness
• Patachu
• RoyalShitbrick
• Sheneequa — idling in wikiFur irc Confirmed, Sheneequa doesn't want you to know that he (Matt Wolf Binder) is actually Redwolf24.
• Simply_Ghastly — is most definitely NOT a furry; he only draws furotica and faps to it in a NON-SEXUAL MANNER
• SpleeNfat — In spite of claiming his opposition to be furfags, he's also defended his own furfag friends

Closet Furry is part of a series on Furfaggotry Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage.