Aliens: Colonial Marines

Aliens: Colonial Marines is a videogame by Gearbox, otherwise known as the development team who shat all over the perfection which was Duke Nukem Forever like Fergie attempting to 'improve' Michael Jackson's Beat It. The singleplayer portion was given to TimeGate studios to develop, because Gearbox have no fucking idea how to tell a story.

Oh, noes, ALIENS!

Colonial Marines takes the worst Alien film in the series and tries to make a canonal sequel to James Cameron's Aliens with Ridley Scott's blessing and guidance. The fact that Ridley Scott wrote and directed Prometheus should have tipped them off to what a shitty idea this was.

You know what else SEGA released? The Dreamcast.

The XBOX 360 leak

A few days before the game's official release, the Xbox 360 version was leaked. Since nobody bothered to download it, except to laugh at the Xbox 360's 'lame grafix, dood', this should have been a warning sign of things to come, and perhaps if Gearbox had tried giving away copies of the game with breakfast cereal, they would have been forgiven.

Gameplay

Gameplay consists of running around in dimly lit corridors blasting the aliens as they come out of the goddamn walls. Some stuff happens. More aliens come out of the goddamn ceiling. Rinse, repeat until credits roll. The game can also be played in cooperative, and generally speaking a heavy emphasis on cooperative, as seen in Fear 3, Dead Space 3, and Borderlands, is a great indication that a game will suck.

Wimmins? In my Aliens?

Some fanbois were butthurt about the lack of wimmins in the footage and photoshopped screengrabs of Captain Crunch Marines they were shown during development, and started a petition to change this. Since Gearbox are politically correct pansies with no spines, this gross offence against humanity was rectified immediately.

This is how Gearbox view women - as dangerous flying space vaginas.

Alien 3 had no female characters besides Ripley, and it was awesome.

DLC

Gearbox's games are like children. ...Children they only give birth to because they intend to exploit them until they die a miserable, unloved death.

The first DLC will be called Bug Hunt, which will only serve to remind sobbing Alien and Alien 3 fans that "bugs" is only used as a term to describe the Xenomorphs because James Cameron was a pathetic Starship Troopers fanboi butthurt over the fact he couldn't direct his very own Starship Troopers movie.

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