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Teen Hut
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KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID! This article is TL;DR. You can help by editing this page and removing the large blocks of boring text. |
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STOP RIGHT THERE, FAGGOT! ED does NOT need a huge list of absolute nobodies, nor does it give a shit about your petty forum feud with that bitch who doesn't agree with your Zutara OTP. Rather than spreading your butthurt vendetta over to this site, how about you read ED:101 and ED:A User's Guide to Article Building. And while you're at it, how about contributing to some actual drama you fucking idiot? |
Teenhut is a pit of emo tweenies run by a frothing, twitching, profiteering Indian of a despot with a hairtrigger on his banhammer. So sort of like Something Awful, then.
The site is pretty much devoid of lulz, the exception being that its reptilian overlords have discovered this page and are now crying the tears of ultimate sadness and RAAAAAAGE.
The Dictatorship
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One of the requirements to become a mod in Teenhut is to be a raging homosexual or to at least look like a raging homosexual. The only person that has ever been exempt from this rule is Matt, who e-dates his girlfriend Lana on Teenhut and quite often when they have fights they like to share it with the public by making several topics and whining about it on the cafe.
The mods of Teen Hut have a long history of bias and prejudice that could rival the US Supreme Court of the early 1900's. It is well-known amongst users with their heads not so far up their asses they can see the light through their own ears that the staff is quite content to hand out infractions for whatever they decide to whomever they decide. Many a time have infractions been given to a user as the mod from whom it came breaks the exact same rule while doing so. Quite happy to call members trolls or any other insult they can muster up, they get hard-ons from handing out infraction after infraction after infraction to others for the same thing. This practice, of course, applies only to those that haven't kissed so much ass that said ass cheeks now have permanent lip marks.
The majority of the members are between the ages of 9 to 14, although they claim to be older than that. It's common knowledge that in order to even have a small chance to apply as a mod you must send nudes to overlord, dictator, and supreme leader, Mayank. It is well-documented that Mayank asks for pics from everything with a vagina, despite their age. This, of course, leads many to take note of his internet predator-like behaviours, but that's neither here nor there.
The mod's hobby is to be biased.
Mayank
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An Indian Microsoft tech support specialist by day, the forum owner by night. Sadly, he's the only person in the staff who makes sense. Though pressured 24-7 by the mods to BAN FUCKING EVERYTHING, he still shows fair judgment whenever he can manage to bury down deep and find a set of balls. After allowing a mod who constantly insulted those who died during 9/11 to parade around with his dick out but then infracted and banned those that spoke out against it, Mayank insists he behaves fairly and has deluded himself into thinking the world is a better place with his shit in the sewer system. After stating that she would be a better mod than the infamous bitchcunt Mattster, a user was infracted for "spamming" in a thread discussing Mattster's modding abilities. That's right, kids, disagreeing with the overlords is bad. No one is quite sure what specific type of parasites have been eating Mayank's brains for the past year or so, but it appears to be taking its toll.
The Mod List
Mattster- A socially inept basement dweller that dates his e-girlfriend Lana. He can not stand when people disagree with Lana so it's a banhammer the minute you speak against his queen of drama. Naturally, of course, despite however much Lana may abuse the other members, she never has more to deal with than Matt's PMSing bitchiness and blatant idiocy. He is always ready to ban someone for nothing. He is worse than the mods at GameFAQs. When he heard about this article he tried to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING. Too bad his retarded mongoloid ass can't comprehend that you need an account to edit things. Matt is actually the first mentally retarded member of Teen Hut. His logic and reasoning abilities only just barely rival those of a squirrel with Down Syndrome. He thinks that an insult anywhere is an insult to him, so he strokes his e-dick to make himself feel better. Mattser hates to be called emo even though he cuts himself because his girl friend is a thundercunt. Mattster, though no longer with Lana, has decided to step up his faggotry by becoming a fan of Blood on the Dance Floor and e-dating the lazy-eyed retard, Heather. Since then, Heather has broken up with Mattster after Matt forgot to turn his webcam off and was caught trying to fuck his Xbox 360.
Kevin Kevin is the sarcastic faggot of Teenhut. He thinks he is the motherfucker there. He really just wants to be fucked by 13 year old ugly fat chicks. He frequents the Forum Games section because he is boring as fuck. He has a 2 girls 1 cup fetish. He loves to give people empathy even though they don't deserve it. His fantasy is to be fucked by Mattser, Owen, and Trevor and then to have them jizz all over his face.
Linda Linda is Teen Hut's own little hot Jewish girl. She posts half-nude pictures in the 16+ forum then goes as far as to get members perma-banned from there for joking about jacking off to her pictures, which is just one of many examples of her innate Jew greed causing her to strive to get what she wants. Her greed level climbed to over 9,000 when she was accepted as a trainee mod. Now anything Linda wants, Linda gets. She was demodded temporarily after being caught abusing her powers, but reportedly gave Mayank one piece of her Jew gold to get her spot on the team back. Since then she has improved drastically as a moderator, but that's only because she's too busy fingering her dog's asshole to give out infractions.
Heather is the lazy-eyed whore moderator on Teenhut. She is known for "leaving" Teenhut very frequently, then "coming back" two days later. This is understandable though as Heather is legally retarded. Heather is also known for having e-dated over 9000 guys from Teenhut, including Mattster and Jordan132.
James is the token ugly moderator who is no longer active but still has a moderator title because Mattster is too busy trying to find someone else to order his food for him in order to bother demodding him.
Support Leaders
Seeing as how the ostracized socially inept 14 year olds feel that teh internetz is srs bzness they very often try to share their maturity, age experience, and broad view of the world with others by attempting to give advice in topics such as friendship and relationship help, even though they've yet to experience their first kiss due to the fact that they're too busy masturbating at the pictures the camwhores post in the cafe. Generally, however, these attempts result in such idiocy that anyone dumb enough to make the mistake of taking the advice offered by a Support Leader will end up killing themselves after fucking everything over.
Stjowa An extremely obese kid who literally sucked so much dick to become a Support leader that to this day cum still oozes out of his left ear. He begged because he didn't want to be without his zombie anemic girlfriend who was one. He looks like a constipated fat kid and has a fetish for police officers. His posting habits consist of posting the same old shit over and over. Then when told it's old he throws a bitch fit and calls the bringing of reality a troll. How this luster fuck of obesity and fail ever managed to become a support leader is unknown. It is also unknown when, exactly, he plans on hitting puberty, since at this point, he still looks twelve. No one, however, expects his mind to follow in the footsteps of his body, if such a thing ever does occur.
DareToDream Stjowa's anemic girlfriend. She looks like a bowling pin with red hair and no body. She tries to help but all she does is suck Stjowa's dick literally. Many still to this day wonder how that fat bastard managed to get on her not crush his skeletor look-a-like girlfriend. She can't really think for her self so whatever Stjowa says that bitch follows to a tee. Together they run a game called psychopath. The object of the game is to kiss their ass so that you can stay for another round. She frequents the Teen Sexuality board. She gets off on hearing boys talk about how they have huge dicks. She cries at night because she has to funnel Obese boy's hot dog.
Teen Hut History
In the beginning there was Mayank, but since he's Indian, he ate too much curry and had indigestion so he decided to go to the bathroom while the splurring of digested shit came out so did a little boy called Matthew as well as a weird obese looking kid who Mayank later named Jon. These are the now super mods.
Shortly after this, an unbelievable mod named Trevor joined. You see, Trevor had a rough childhood growing up. His dad lost his second job which cut the family income to only 10 million dollars a year. Trevor, devastated by the fact that he'd no longer be able to take a private jet to school, decided to do something about it. He joined the TeenHut forum and instantly became the number 1 bona-fide emofag. Eventually, Trevor was deemed homosexual enough to be a TeenHut mod. Trevor, however, still didn't feel accepted despite being inducted into GLAAD. (the mod team) Trevor, knowing that most people still hated him and were only nice because being mean would be a hate crime, decided he wanted to make some real friends, or at least pretend he had them. He very generously bought multiple people an Ultimate VIP membership in a hope that they would be friends with him. No one really likes him anyway, but are nice in the hopes of getting free shit off the spoiled 13 year old fagfuck.
The Revolution of 2009
After much unfair treatment from the staff of 13-year-old, prepubescent, power-filled kids, some decided to fight the power and go against everything that the mods ever said. There were tons of lulz had, mainly due to the stupid responses that followed upon calling a member of the staff team "Biased".
The response of the staff was as always, BAN FUCKING EVERYONE, and this ended in at least 100 banned members, all followers of the great prophet Aunt Jemima. To this day the small fighters of the revolution fight for freedom from the tyranny that is the staff team.
Failtrolls
Liran is the openly homosexual Jewish member of the forum. He is widely known for calling other members pathetic all the whilst attempting to sext with them. He also loves to point out other people's insecurities and confidence problems, despite making such confident threads such as "Am I fat?" and "My parents abused me! Help please." Liran also has a serious problem leaving the forums, despite claiming to not be addicted to them. His inability even led to him making over 9000 threads asking the moderators to ban him so he could leave. Despite the moderators not complying, Liran managed to leave for an entire 36 hours before making his triumphant return! He is now widely regarded as the biggest faggot on the forum.
Baldur is the typical chronically butthurt and angry at the world homosexual muslim (no, seriously.)He has been known for being so offended at being called a terrorist, that he will threaten to blow people's houses up on spot. He too, possesses a direct inability to leave the forum, repeatedly making "leaving" threads, only to return a week later under a new name before being discovered when a moderator stops sucking cock for a minute to look at his IP address.
Trolls
Aunt Jemima (known IRL as German Gomez) The troll of all trolls on the TeenHut forums. Just like all trolls, he drops the F-bomb in just about every other sentence. This is a pathetic attempt to make him appear "t0tally hardc0ar on teh interwebz." His most profound traits are putting others down (cuz he is teh r0x0rz n iz flawlezz), and replying to threads saying "Great, another thread nobody gives a fuk about" because he can now speak on behalf of over 6 billion people. /lolsarcasm
Everyone, including you, want to ban Aunt Jemima permanently because he has made over 9000 hermaphrodites, homosexuals, retards, sensitive fags, oldfags, newfags, girls, women, men, children, and infants leave the website due to his usual bad habit of speaking what's on his mind, instead of shoving it up his ass hole and spewing rainbows and fairies like the other closeted members do.
Most Vicious Pitbull The closet virgin troll. His daily routine consists of putting his "peepee" into random whores' vaginas and cumming inside of them, then posting threads bragging about the dream that never was. No matter what he posts, he never seems to get banned; instead, his infractions just redirect to Aunt Jemima faster than TeenHut's shitforbrains server redirects Non-Believers. He changed his name to ANTI CONDOM due to an alleged ex stalking him on the internet. He also shows a deep hatred for condoms, most likely due to the fact that a failed one led to his birth. He is, though, as he puts it, loved by few, hated by many, but respected by all.
LOLFag has actually become a fag. He's recently morphed into a Sasha-wannabe, and can quite often be observed competing with Mayank for Sasha's dick. He thinks just because he lives in Taiwan he's better than everyone else, especially Americans, even though it's obvious Americans are better than chinks. He was once a prominent and well-respected contributor to the debates section, but has since floundered and been reduced to nothing but a raving, illogical moron. He believes the of raping innocent women is horrendous, but someone jumping out of a building to avoid being burned alive and falling to their death is humourous. Truly a sad, pathetic little bastard.
Aleksandr is a socially inept neckbeard who spends most of his time in front of the computer whilst saying the most idiotic things imaginable. Known details regarding this pathetic life form are few, but given the fact that he has been infracted over 9,000 times by Sasha, we can at least confirm that he/she/it originates from America. Aleksandr is also confirmed for furry and has a male foot fetish. He pretends to be computer-savvy to impress people in the Computers&Internet section, and likes to show off his pricey gayman PC which was actually purchased for him by his mommy and daddy.
Rob (Ari Gold) takes the roll of teen hut's oppressed eccentric faggot who is mad at the world. Rob joined the forums in march 2009 . He maintained a low profile until his ego got the best of him, resulting in multiple out lashes of rage and hate for many non-heterosexual; nonwhite forum members. He is a self proclaimed racist from a formally successful family.
Rob has somewhat private forum presence, only occasionally making extravagant shit up to sound important. Coming from a (formally rich) white trash home this is to be expected. He brags about his love for hockey, his favorite bands and his off humor racist remarks at school. However through all this rob as assembled a following on this forum, namely his lovers, Kris and Julia. His relationship with kris is completely heterosexual. His e-relationship with Julia is where it gets depressing, he has managed to convince himself that she is white, and just has a really nice tan.
Sasha/Guess Who!?/Sash
The founder and former co-admin of Teenhut, Sasha was once a prominent parasite of the online community. He was born in 1940 in Soviet Russia to an American father who fled America to escape its horrific culture, fat citizenry, and over-the-top military rape statistics; and to a Jewish mother from Iran. No further information is available on her because no one cares. As with most members of Sasha’s family, she’s been safely phased out of society. His father is still at large, however, and is featured on the FBI’s Most Wanted List under the alias of Usama bin Laden.
Sasha’s obsession and hatred for America and American culture is somewhat of a mystery, but intelligence suggests he’s simply an irrational, ignorant, delusional lunatic. While no scientific journal will back this claim, the evidence of thread-locking, editing/deleting posts, banning members and handing out infractions when his point is proven wrong or his e-credibility called into question is compelling.
There is also convincing evidence of Sasha’s half-brother, Dwayne, who was born to Sasha’s father but with an American woman (identity unknown, but satellite evidence suggests Betty Ford), used to beat the shit out of Sasha when they were kids and steal his lunch money. In America, it’s typical for other kids to beat up the loser and steal his lunch money, but in Soviet Russia apparently even your own family partakes in it. Russia is indeed a strange place. Many prestigious international documentaries on Sasha’s life cite this as why Sasha has such disgust for Americans and why he commonly refers to them as uncivilized “savages”.
In response to his exaggerated abuse, Sasha promptly joined the USSR military to prove to his brother, father and the world that he was truly a man. This failed before it could even start, but it didn’t stop him from fighting on the frontlines against Nazi Germany, of which he single-handedly defeated the Nazis, despite the American, British, Canadian and other countries’ involvement in the war, and subsequently was promoted to the rank of Captain. Of course, years later the USSR collapsed and this accolade, along with the nation he so valiantly fought for, became worthless. He participated in a brief stint in the airforce, but after getting his ass handed to him several times by the Luftwaffe, he was dishonourably discharged.
After his failure in the military, Sasha traveled to England to study at the University of Oxford, studying in an unprecedented triple-major of Medicine, Languages and Anti-American Relations. His favourite professor, G.B. Shaw, saw the potential in this young idealist, and suggested he create an online forum under the pretense of helping young teens, but in truth using it as a vessel to express and take out his anger and hatred for America. It was here, too, he met his wife known as Virgo Monkey, for which he fell deeply in love with, but later had to divorce due to slight, minor political differences. The are also rumours of a sex tape between the two, but its sales were so dismal it failed to garner any public attention. Those who have seen it say its failure is because of the 66 minute video, 3 of them are of sex, and the remainder is of Sasha crying. Recently, due to its cult status, the video has become a hit on Google Video.
While studying in his languages courses, Sasha has become fluent in 42 languages but most notably in Russian, French, English, German, Cantonese, Malay, Hindi, Thai and Arabic. Those who only know English should feel inferior to such an intellect, as such unsophisticated and uncultured Anglo-Saxon mongolots know nothing of diversity or worldliness.
Sasha knew with his superior education, world travels and overall knowledge, he could easily beat any 14 year old in a debate, despite being nearly a decade older. He then proceeded to create Teenhut and set about his task. He even used a swastika as his avatar in hopes of goading young teens into thinking he was a Nazi sympathizer, just so he could shoot them down and declare his superiority over the inferior, ignorant and uneducated Americans and their WASP-compatriots (this usually included Canadians and Brits) and to inflate his own ego. It is well documented every time he beats a 14 year old in a debate he lies back in his chair, puts on some lipstick and listens to Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus for approximately 90 minutes ‡.
While spewing his ignorance online, he randomly bolds words and sentences in case the reader can’t see his or her computer monitor well enough. He is also in the habit of twisting words, taking pot-shots at members, and making really stupid, dumbass comparisons. Somewhat ironically, if he’s at the receiving end of a pot-shot or sly insult, he begins to cry like a 12 year old deprived of her chocolate milk (and will probably delete your post and/or infract you).
Sasha has never traveled to the United States, his claims notwithstanding. Instead, Sasha derives his insurmountable and exhaustive knowledge of America, its culture, its practices and its people through telepathy, carrier pigeons, tarot cards and most recently, Ask Jeeves. It’s obvious his knowledge of America is far greater than even its own citizens, and it’s clear that we, as a species, simply cannot compete with such a superior force in knowledge. He is after all the self-proclaimed Protector of Mankind.
Although many believe Sasha left Teenhut, he remains, as both Guess Who!? the Super Moderator and Sash the regular member. As of late, Sash has taken to creating numerous troll threads to goad Americans into arguing with him, whom he then infracts using the Guess Who!? account.
Sasha pretends to be a moralfag and loves to give infractions for "supporting acts of terrorism" when someone defends the Hiroshima/Nagasaki bombings, but then 6 seconds later makes a thread celebrating 9/11, whilst making sure to use the DD/MM date format of "11/9" to troll Americans. It is unclear why Sasha is so cowardly when it comes to hiding behind the Guess Who!? account, but one thing is for certain: Mayank will do nothing to stop Sasha and his burning desire to win every one-sided debate with the teenagers in the Debates & Discussions forum, including hard-deleting all posts that expose Sasha for the raving lunatic that he is.
Sasha's blog is also a great sauce for epic lulz. On this blog, he pretends to be a cultured, intelligent debater, without resorting to "vulgarity" and "uncultured swearing" (as he does on Teenhut.) His delusions of Europe as a harmonious utopia are also apparent, as can be seen here.
‡ Some sources state only 30 minutes.
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Other Human Like Creatures
JR is Teenhut's very own serial murderer. When he is not out killing old ladies (RIP VIOLET WONDERGEM) and violating his probation, he can be found on Teenhut endorsing underage drinking, drinking and driving, and selling stolen iPhones on craigslist. He has been known for such deep and enlightening posts like "u just gotta live ur life..do what u want to do" even though doing what he wants to do has literally gotten people killed before. Though he is from a "three strikes" state, he managed to avoid prison long enough to flee to New York, where he can now murder people anytime and anywhere without the police giving a fuck. His idol is, hilariously, Che Guevara.
JR's sworn enemy:
Julia is a mexican former camwhore slut who has now devolved into just another annoying cunt in a long line of annoying cunts. She spends her days updating everyone on the forum of her adventures being a female marine. Every fucking day. When not boring the members of the forum to death with her stories, she can be found having phone sex with her lover Cade and crying to him about her miscarriages and how mean people on the forum are to her.
Kahlil is an asexual nice guy member of the forum who is widely known to be a complete asshole. Though claiming to be asexual, he repeatedly hits on both men and women and compliments them on their attractiveness and tells them how much he wants to put his 3 inch Jamaican cock inside of them. When he's not busy posting about how he is so unique for his alleged asexuality, he can be found on MSN gossiping about other members behind their back with the one legged freak Brandon.
Cade is the recently deceased self-described supervillian who lied for over 9000 years about having a dead girlfriend in order to gain sympathy and love from Teenhut's camwhores. After being trolled off the forum by super trolls Lewis, Rob and Kris he returned 6 months later and attempted to gain everyone's friendship back, but raged and quit again upon discovering people didn't like a person who would lie about their girlfriend dying. He has returned yet again and continues to failtroll.
Jias - Another bisexual who could easily be called the most normal looking member on TeenHut. But don't let this fool you, he's got deep emotional issues just like 1203224234% of the forum. You can usually find him on the Cafe sharing stories about his pointless awesome daily life that no one except his millionaire parents, who he talks about every single day that ends in a "y", give a fuck about. He no longer posts on TeenHut after his long-suspected photo-stealing habits were unearthed, causing him to leave due to embarrassment.
Jess was a bitch, she recently died IRL because of her fatness. Edit: She hasn't actually died, she's just been inactive for nearly 3 years.
Anti-Condom is a fat Mexican who is only ever interested in sex and going bareback for it too. According to other members, he's actually a virgin which makes it a whole lot funnier. He insists only ever using huge, capitalised, bold and quoted text because he's "never followed the trend". He's a general nuisance.
Emma is another closet camwhore lesbian who so desperately lurks around the forum waiting for the unsuspecting troll to troll for trolling. She's also Irish, which most likely explains her stupidity due to her parents' excessive Irish drinking.
Lana is an overweight Britfagpakicunt who will soon an hero for the jihad. She claims to be the most contributing member to the site, yet her gigantic constant PMS blood dripping teeth filled vagina prevent her from completing simple everyday tasks, without looking like the bitch that she is. It is said that the following is the biggest bitch rant that she's ever splurted out of her sewer hole, I mean vagina. She constantly bitches in Girls Privacy about how fat she is, yet refuses to make the effort to lose it. It's thought that maybe she wishes to remain fat so that that her Jihad suicide mission will be more successful, as the fat will cause the plane to descend more quickly.
The following is of Lana and Mattster in the middle of one of their many sex acts.
—Lana the bitch, after finding this article |
Forum Sections
Like every other forum, this sad attempt to bring teens together contains various sections to discuss why your pubes are blond instead of dark, why you're now older and blood comes out of your vagina, or why your peepe gets bigger everytime you see Ben Affleck on TV.
The Cafe
The Cafe is the most popular section of teenhut; Apart from forum games, but no one gives a fuck about that.
Inside the wonderful Teenhut cafe you will find camwhores wanting to expose themselves in order to get the attention of horny 15 year old boys. There are a range of weirdos in the cafe, but the cafe is mainly filled with emo girls sharing their live stories in long ass posts hoping that someone will read them and empathize with them.
Aside from camwhores this section holds the most "drama" of the forum. The drama mostly consist of people whining that other people don't think they are funny because they fail at life. The drama also comes from the mods being so butthurt every time someone complains about them failing at their job. Then when it's hardly any drama they DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING. Then when they don't get their way they bitch to Mayank about and get their way.
When there isn't a thread with a 13 year old suburban kid bitching about how much his parents hate him because they only bought him the original iPhone and a PS3 for his birthday, The Boob Lady is always more than happy to make a thread with a picture of her rack asking the 13 year old horny, lonely boys to guess her bra size. And then make a thread 11 minutes later asking if we think she's a slut.
Teen Sexuality
The sexuality section which serves as the ultimate place for 12 year old boys to brag about their 9 inch penises.
The only people who really post in sexuality section are the emo and insecure kids who really, just needed a hug from mom or dad. They of course, fill the void of not having parents by having a 9 inch penis and bragging about how they last for over 9000 hours in bed. The fact that many scientists have proven 12 year olds can't even pre-cum yet has not deterred these apparent masters of sex.
The other group of people who post in the sexuality section are, of course, the pedophiles. While it very well could include every member of the moderator team, it certainly is not limited to such. The 12 year old boys very much enjoy lying to themselves about the existence of pedophiles on the forum, and convince themselves that "Hotgirl69" or "supersexyprincess88" are really hot 18 year old girls who want to have their way with them, and not their 46 year old uncle.
Ultimate VIP
Only faggots buy this, seriously.
New Teenhut
Teenhut is no longer a place where reasonable discussion takes place, rather a place dominated by faggot trolls such as Rob and Lewis. They run the forum with an iron fist which they routinely shove up Mayank and Mattster's ass and get everything they want, despite being the two biggest leeches on the forum.
Epic quotes
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