Game of Thrones

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Game of Thrones is a long-format pornography that airs Sundays on HBO based on a series of books that are the very textbook definition of TL;DR.

Plot

A metric fuckton of dull characters all around a generic alternate version of the Dark Ages where smug aristocrats endlessly drink wine and talk about boring shit nobody but casuals and WoWfags care about. Then, they all have sex and/or failcest with each other and die while fighting over who gets to be gangbanged. End of rine.

In short, It's "Downton Abbey" at a Ren-faire, except they solve their disputes my murdering each other.

The series is based on the Song of Ice and Fire series of novels, which are basically Lord of the Rings with less ambiguously gay midgets, more incest, and random lesbian quickies. In order to understand the subtle differences, compare Torchwood to Doctor Who, or Mass Effect to Star Trek. You'll notice that actual story is replaced with torture, sex, and gayness.

Sean Bean's Ghost

Like in every other movie, television show, video game, or pornography that he has appeared in, Sean Bean dies. He begins the series as the defacto main character before plot twist demanded that he be M Night shyamalan'd to death, thus finally hitting his Diamond Death Jubilee and transcending into Valhalla. Sean Bean's career is essentially the show "1000 Ways to Die" made flesh. This is because "The Sean Bean Effect" is so armor-piercing it even penetrates 10 layers of Plot Armor.

The Imp

This section, like Peter Dinklage, is too short, and needs Moar Pint-sized Badassery.

But here's a vid of Joffrey gettin' pimpslapped like the bitch-ass Ho he is.

Cracka-lacka   “   Gotta Keep the Pimp Hand Strong.   „

You know you suck when a guy half your size slaps three shades of silly out of you, right in front of your own bodyguard.

Sexposition

The show's dialogue is so boring and long-winded that writers decided on using sex to keep viewers attention since the fanbase consists of cellar-dwellers, man-children, wiccans, and yaoi-fangirls.

An example scene may go something like this:

• Jon Snow: Blah blah blah honor of the Night's Watch...
• Background: Two dudes begin a train on this voluptuous hooker. As the surly armorer removes his helm he jams his powerful rod into the whore's fleshy cage. She moans vigorously as the bulky armorer bends lower to grant a fruity trap entrance to his hairy vortex. The sounds of ball-slapping and ecstasy echo throughout the chamber while the hefty milkmaid feeds goats beyond the window with her massive medieval tits. The man shoots his load as the wench lets out a bellowing scream before he lowers his axe onto her neck. As her head rolls along the floor, the trap finishes and pats the armorer on the back, making some reference to the uselessness of women.
• Jon Snow: I'm a bastard child...

Characters

Eddard Stark: Major character of the first season. Eddard was the Lord of Winterfell and head of the Stark family. He attempted to expose the plot of a Lannister take over of the throne. After the death of Robert Baratheon, the king, he was accused of being a traitor for denying Joffrey Baratheon as a rightful heir to the throne. He was then beheaded in front of two of his daughters.

Robb Stark: Eddard Stark's heir to be Lord of Winterfell and later King of the North.

Well, Arya?

Arya Stark: Youngest daughter of Eddard Stark. She is a tomboy. After the death of her father she manages to escape Kings Landing through posing as a boy and setting off north with a Nights Watch recruiter. Their trip was cut short by troops looking for Robert Baratheon's bastard son. She was then captured and taken to Harrenhal, which is run by Lord Tywin Lannister, head of the Lannister house. She later escapes and heads for Winterfell again.

Sansa Stark: Eldest daughter of Eddard Stark. She is basically Anastasia Steele. Despite the abuse she receives from Joffrey Baratheon, she continues to stay with him even after he order the death of her father and even after being offered safe passage back to Winterfell twice. Only after Joffrey Baratheon decides to marry some other broad does she realize the danger she truly is in and decides to GTFO.

Jon Snow: Eddard Stark's bastard son and goth. Frequently moans about being a bastard. He decided to become more of an outcast and joined the Nights Watch, a dangerous cult that once you join you can never unjoin.

Draco Malfoy Joffrey Baratheon: The supposed son of Robert Baratheon who is later reviled to be a product of incest between his mother and his uncle. He is sadist and a narcissist. After the death of Robert Baratheon he becomes the King.

Ramsay Snow: Bastard son of Roose Bolton. He is sent to reclaim Winterfell in the name of Robb Stark. After Theon Greyjoys men betray him and surrender to Ramsay. Ramsay orders his men to kill Greyjoys men and burn Winterfell down. He later marries Arya Stark and becomes the Lord of Winterfell aftr Robb Starks death.

Hodor: Hodor is a minor character in the series. He is most memorable for muttering his own name as a response to an order.

See Also

• Skyrim
• Lord of The Rings
• Mordor
• LARPing
• White Knight

Game of Thrones is part of a series on Television Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.