Civilization

Warning! This game is known to bring Cancer, AIDS, And USI

Civilization is an awesome game series made by Fireaxis. Like real life, going from Washington to to New York takes 50 years. Oh, and archers can fire from the same distance it takes to travel with 50 years, which is true IRL.

Sid Meyers' view of how history should be.

Cannons in civilization.

Leaders

Harun al-Rashid as seen in the game

Korea as seen in the game

Each civilization has a certain leader, and each possess a special ability.

Below is a list of them:

America: Washington

A faggot who will keep declaring war on you. If you don't have freedom, he will usually ask you to declare war on a certain civilization, then call you a faggot because you are a warmongerer. You can just nuke him, laugh, and have lulz.

Arabia: Harun al-Rashid

This guy has the ability to get moar gold from trade, And also get double the luxury resources. He is usually too Jewish to spend his money on building an army, so you can just conquer him.

PROTIP: For extra lulz, find a Muslim player on multiplayer who is playing as Arabia, then nuke Mecca. Lulz will follow as he calls you racist. Extra points if you tell him Arabia is the worst civilization in the game and that the camel archer sucks.

Korea: Kim Jong-un

Nuke him while you can, before he starts bitching and demanding shit from you every turn.

Germany: Hitler

Oh yeah now were talking. This guy is a total faggot, but he will help you deal with the Jews in the game.

History

Civilization V On how the Internet was Made

Mankind Suddenly came out of nowhere, and somehow they all had different cultures and leaders who DON'T FUCKING DIE EVEN AFTER 9000 YEARS!

After mankind popped up in 10,000 BC, the first person to play it was Xerxes of the Persians, in 410 BC. Xerxes then decided to base his empire off of the game, starting by building Sun Tzu's Art of War. The game was also the downfall of Xerxes when he lost to Cleisthenes and the Greeks in 403 BC. After that point at least 100% of people based their daily routine off of the game. Pottery was discovered.

The Romans got with the program, building temples in all their cities and hiring entertainers ("a lulzing civilization is a prosperous one"-Plato). Unfortunately, they made the mistake of attacking the Greek city of Troy, which was garrisoned with 9 veteran phalanxes (defensive power level of over 2). At this point, an ad-hoc expansion pack was released and the game was joined by the American civilization, who plundered Rome and started charging their special lazor units.

For some reason, Sid Meiers didn't like this at all and he insisted on changing the rules again. From now on, all civilizations would be allowed to cheat and human players would always be at a disadvantage. This angered Gandhi, who opened up a can of whoop ass. The Romans and Greeks made a love pact because nobody could tell them apart anyway. Diplomatic talks between India and America were disintegrating until JFK finally broke down and offered India a gift of 30 gold pieces.

Taking his cues from the new game Civ II, JFK started working on the Manhattan Project. It was completed in 40 turns because the Mongols traded their Stealth technology and apparently there was a scientist or something. American nukes wiped the Japanese off the map apart from one city that was fortified with a mighty warrior (it was on a mountain).

In 2003, the renaissance came. Leonardo DiVinci downloaded an advance copy of Civ III and blatantly stole the ideas for his own inventions like J.S. Bach's Cathedral and Spearmen. Leo became the king of France and had William Shakespeare killed for the lulz before some battleships came and shot at him. Leo knew he had to escape to planets beyond the moon, so he came up with the Apollo program. French cities started pumping out SS modules and life support systems. Egyptian paratroopers were having way too much fun hang-gliding to do anything about it. Unfortunately, the shuttle burned up on re-entry.

Controversy

While making Civilization, Meiers forgot to factor in evolution, explaining no evidence of evolution after 10,000 BC. In a recent interview Meiers said, "I know I messed up, Civilization V will be more in depth." Meiers will give dolphins fingers with which to wage combat in the next game. "This move will pwn many noobs," one reporter says.

Poland was never included in any of the games as a playable civilization. It is widely believed that the reason for this is that Meiers simply forgot Poland. In response, angry citizens of that country started an internet petition.

Many argue that basing history off of a game is idiotic. However, this is just because they are losing.

Game Play

Civilization begins, as does real life, with Fred Flintstone wielding a Juggalo Axe. From there you spend approximately 37 hours Pwning other residents of Bedrock until your wife or girlfriend finds a new lover. At this point, alone and desperate, you reach the Middle Ages where nearly 2 days of sleepless play is rewarded with an upgrade to a bow an arrow. If you are fortunate to have some Cocaine laying around the house, you can continue on all the way to the industrial era at which point another nation acquires the Atomic Bomb and Nukes the living crap out of you and absorbs your Civilization. It is rumored that the Jews are a secret AI player being suspiciously absent from the roster of Civilizations and they assure no matter how well you play secret Illuminati forces give the A-bomb to the most backward Civilization possible assuring your defeat. Zulus, Aztecs, and Mongols often acquire Stealth technology in the year 1324 just like real life.

The Future

Not content to stop at modern day, Sid Meier has also charted out a vision of the future; Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri. In a burst of enormous creativity, the plot of the game revolves around a small group of colonists fleeing some unspecified earth-wide disaster to build a new civilization on a distant planet, with diverse races and nationalities coming together for the survival of humanity itself.

Predictably, this peace evaporates before the game even starts, and the colonists split into various factions. The stage is thus set for an epic game that proceeds to follow the exact same formula and gameplay as the original Civilization games, EXCEPT THIS TIME IT'S ON ANOTHER PLANET!!! That makes it cool right? Right?

Ways of trolling the players

• Zerg Rush, in a no rush server!
• Join a game and don't end your turn.
• Spam people with bad offers until they rage quit!
• NUKE FUCKING EVERYBODY, THEN LEAVE THE GAME BEFORE YOU GET KICKED FAGGOT!
• If someone is conquering other players capitals to win a domination victory, wait for him to capture the last capital before yours. Then take over his capital. You will win the game. Be sure to have an umbrella for all the shit that will follow.
• NUKE EVERYTHING AGAIN.
• Tell them Paradox games are better.
• If someone beats you, and he keeps fagging about it, tell him he won't get laid for doing that. Remind him he is a virgin while you're at it.

See Also

• Victoria 2
• Starcraft
• Zerg rush

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