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Dan Quayle
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>Kickass at 02:53, 9 March 2015. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example, HOLY SHIT DAN QUAYLE CAN'T SPELL POTATO!!!!11!!!1
James Danforth 'Damien' Quayle III, the greatest fucktard to ever run for a political office, beating even W in the ineptitude stakes.
Almost all so-called "Bushisms" were actually uttered by Quayle. It's only through the grace of God that Quayle was given no responsibility or power as VP, having been selected simply because he was the only Republican in 1988 who wasn't ugly as sin, which is more than we can say about his wife, amirite? Yes, he was selected mainly because he was "pretty", according to a horde of elderly, racist, gunloving women with no taste in men, who the Republicans used to find out which Republican had sex appeal with female voters.
Notable for such moments of stupidity such as losing a spelling bee to a fifth grader and selling a shitload of weapons to arabs, who turned out to be Hispanic inner city gang members pretending to be Arabs. He also confused Candace Bergen with her TV character, the 40 year old "I Got Knocked Up By A One Night Stand And I'm Going To Have The Baby!" TV reporter "Murphy Brown", creating much lulz as far as people laughing at his tirades, where he complained about the fictional character as if she was a real life flesh and blood person, who was destroying the fabric of American society by having her bastard without marrying the spawn's father. He was also owned by leftardDemocrat Lloyd Bentsen for comparing himself to JFK.
Perhaps the first politician to ever lose a political career over a spelling mistake. Dan Quayle is, was and always will be made of fail, yet still manages to have more appeal than Dick Cheney.
Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle on comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO
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Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund
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You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
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The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle (The New Yorker, October 10, 1988, p.102)
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We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990
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It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term "target prices." Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
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I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
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Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle; Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
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May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
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—The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. (Not a beacon of literacy, though.)
—Vice President Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
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Getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missiles
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I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant,1988
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[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle during the Bentsen debate
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Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?
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—Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency (1988)
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Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
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I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I have made good judgments in the Past.
I have made good judgments in the Future.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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The future will be better tomorrow.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I have a very strong record on the Environment in the United States Senate.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values.
I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it.
I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step...
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—Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the sexual assaulter/congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin.
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Okay, I won't open it until then
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—Vice President Dan Quayle after having been presented with an empty box that was to contain a gift from a sailing team in South America. He was told that the gift was not ready yet, but that it would be presented to him when they arrived in the United States.
During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him to move briskly and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman.
Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisers may be getting out of touch with "Real Americans." In order to combat this, he suggested that they read People magazine.
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People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was.
He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a couple of hundred years.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I would like to express my sympathy to all those impacted by this disaster.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle standing in front of the collapsed section of highway caused by the Loma Preta quake. (CNN)
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The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake
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I couldn't help but be impressed by the magnitude of the earthquake.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, stepping out of the helicopter upon arrival at Alameda Naval Air Station.
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Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that would help you, they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in George Bush.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle at a garden center and produce store in Baltimore (from the Los Angeles Times, Douglas Jehl, November 6, 1988)
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It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing, so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince William Sound, May, 1989
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The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him when I arrive.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince William Sound, May, 1989
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It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I would not have married Dan Quayle had I not thought he was an equal to me.
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—Marilyn Quayle
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I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of interest.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South African Indian Doll that, when lifted, displays an erection.
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When you make as many speeches and you talk as much as I do and you get away from the text, it's always a possibility to get a few words tangled here and there
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—Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself (LA Herald Examiner 10/3/88)
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Public Speaking is very easy.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
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I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek 4/9/90)
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I've never professed to be anything but an average student.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle during the VP debate in Omaha, Nebraska (10/88)
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The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you like a puppy?
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—Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89)
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In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
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—Vice President Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois (LA Times 10/19/88)
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I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisc. (LA Times 10/16/88)
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The destruction, it is just very heart-rendering.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to say the SF earthquake wreckage was heart-rending (Newsweek 10/30/89)
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I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very close, personal,loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted plant in these meetings.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself (Tampa Tribune-Times 1/7/90)
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When I talked to him on the phone yesterday. I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that is who he is.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle shortly after being named Geo. Bush's running mate (8/28/88 the NY Times)
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I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
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—Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporter's questions about his use of Air force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour
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I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition
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Maybe you guys will get lucky this year and face the Orioles in the World Series
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—Vice President Dan Quayle encouraging the Milwaukee Brewers after throwing out the opening pitch of the season. (5/3/92 Sunday Detroit News)
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Are they taking DDT?
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—Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice, referring to the drug AZT. (NY Post, early May 92)
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We are leaders of the world of the space program.
We have been the leaders of the world of our... of the space program and we're not going to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding the Soviet Union's demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now have independent republics which used to be called the Soviet Union. Space is the next frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore. Think of all the things we rely upon in space today: communications from... Japan, detection of potential ballistic missile attacks. Ballistic missiles are still here. Other nations do have ballistic missiles. How do you think we were able to detect some of the Scud missiles and things like that? Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We use space a lot today.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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America is great, because America is free.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they aren't. I don't know if its the way you say it, or how you look.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I just don't believe in the basic concept that someone should make their whole career in public service.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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If you listen to the news, read the news, you'd think we were still in a recession. Well, we're not in a recession. We've had growth; people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive...
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—Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91
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Need any help?
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—Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91 addressing announced 74,000 layoffs
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The message of David Duke, is this, basically: Big government, anti-big government, get out of my pocketbook, cut my taxes, put welfare people back to work. That's a very popular message. The problem is the messenger.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I do have a political agenda. It's to have as few regulations as possible.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Sam, had a great time this weekend but the golf was lousy.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle in a handwritten note written to Sam Snead in the summer of 1991, after they had played a round of golf. (Herald-Times, Bloomington, IN, July 15, 1992)
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Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!
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—Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent, in-depth analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF Chronicle)
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It's immoral to parent irresponsibly... And it doesn't help matters any when prime time tv, like "Murphy Brown", a character who is supposed to represent a successful career woman of today, mocks the importance of the father by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another "lifestyle choice." Marriage is probably the best anti-poverty program there is... Even though our cultural leaders in Hollywood, network TV, the national newspapers routinely jeer at [such values] I think most of us in this room know that some things are good, and other things are wrong.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the Commonwealth Club of San Francisco and criticizing Murphy Brown's decision to NOT have an abortion and to be a single (highly successful) mother. When told about Quayle's comments, a senior Bush campaign official replied only "Oh, dear." Bush's top aid said, "The world is a lot more complex than Dan would like to believe"
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I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional woman, it would be a real exception to have an unwed child.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle to The Chron's Jerry Roberts.
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I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle defending his opinions about the TV show "Murphy Brown" [Las Vegas RJ 21 May 92]
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The inter-generational poverty that troubles us so much today is predominantly a poverty of values.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women
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—Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer
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I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters that the economy was doing better because a Burger King had a "now hiring" sign in the window. He was campaigning for reelection in Ontario, CA in January 1992.
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You have a part-time job and that's better to no job at all
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—Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time minimum wage jobs, which didn't pay enough to live on, and that "It's hard to find people who want to actually show up for the job."
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Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a cure for AIDS in the marketplace before Magic Johnson gets AIDS?
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/13/91 (CNN)
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We're in Florida.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle explaining why he had just purchased four peaches (and no citrus fruits -- for which Florida is famous) at a Publix supermarket in Oakland Park, Florida. Georgia (which IS famous for peaches) did not gain from the transaction, however; the peaches were from Chile. (The Sun Sentinal)
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I deserve respect for the things I did not do.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years, I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that.
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—Senator Dan Quayle
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I don't have to experience tragedy to understand it.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle during a photo-op in LA, responding to criticisms that he didn't understand what it meant to live in the "inner city." (WRAL 6/23/92)
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My position is that I understand from a medical situation, immediately after a rape is reported, that a woman normally, in fact, can go to the hospital and have a D and C. At that time... that is before the forming of a life. That is not anything to do with abortion
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—Vice President Dan Quayle explaining that Dilatation and Curettage, a form of abortion which occurs after fertilization, is not really abortion. (the Washington post, 11/03/88)
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Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potato,' how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya go...alright!
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—Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct spelling of the word "potatoe" during a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.
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I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, "You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word."
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—Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson.
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People who bowl, vote.
Bowlers are not the cultural elite.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle while at a Las Vegas bowling alley. the Vice-President bowled 5 times, and knocked down 19 pins. (6/25/92, San Jose Mercury News) The American Bowling Congress projected his score for a full game to be 76. The Detroit average for amateur players is 163 (USA Today, 7/6/92)
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It would be a serious mistake to replace a seasoned statesman with a temperamental tycoon who has no respect for the constitution.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle giving his opinion about Ross Perot's presidential campaign (June 1992)
Dan Quayle had a trip planned to Beijing, but was worried because of the turmoil at that end. His security adviser however informed him that Xit was pretty safe for D.Q. as, "They are only harassing intellectuals."
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And the President put his hand on my shoulder and said: "Dan, I knew Spiro Agnew. He was a friend of mine. And Dan... You're no Spiro Agnew!"
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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This president is going to lead us out of this recovery.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in California and and then at CA State University, Fresno (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992)
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We have to do more than just elect a new president if we truly want to change this country.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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For NASA, space is still a high priority.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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I hope I never have to deal with it. But obviously I would counsel her and talk to her and support her on whatever decision she made.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle responding to Larry King's question of how he would react if his 13-year-old daughter chose to have an abortion. (CNN, July 22, 1992) Marilyn Quayle later remarked that her daughter would "take the child to term."
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The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East and the Far East from encroaching on each other
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own hometowns
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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Air travel efficiency would improve if more travelers started going to less popular places
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—Vice President Dan Quayle
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It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it
