- Portals
- The Current Year
- ED in the News
- Admins
- Help ED Rebuild
- Archive
- ED Bookmarklet
- Donate Bitcoin
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.
Steam
|
BREAKING NEWS!! |
Steam is a digital dictatorship, commonly known as an online distribution platform, used to distribute video games, related media and even non-gaming software. It's developed by Valve, a company that was founded by two former Microsoft employees, and this amazingly didn't raise any red flags.
| |
| Developer(s) | Valve Corporation |
| Initial release | September 12, 2003 |
| Available in | 25 languages |
| Website | store.steampowered.com |
Development
Initially the software was developed because Valve wanted a better way to update their mods, as they had done with Counter-Strike. As development continued, Valve realized it's platform could be used to constrain and control its community. This also opened the door for opportunities such as enforced product marketing and forcing unwanted downloads onto users' machines.
Before the initial release, Valve worked tirelessly to hype its gibberish to other companies, hoping some would be dimwitted enough to promote their dictatorship. Valve had little success but development continued anyways, during this time the release date was always uncertain, and working titles included "Socialism v2" and "Money Extraction Tool".
Rise of the dictatorship
To advertise their newly developed monstrosity, Valve partnered with companies such as Gamespy. Video game developer and publisher PopCap Games was lured to the platform, a company that established itself by creating ripoffs of old 2D arcade games. In a stroke of luck for Valve, the gimmick worked and thousands of shortsighted individuals where attracted to the digital dictatorship, and much like the iPhone, developers in turn followed, hoping to make a fortune. Steam is now the deciding factor in which indie games will become winners or losers.
Online requirement
Due to the rising popularity of the platform, gamers now are forced to install Steam if they wish to play certain games. Steam requires an internet connection, even if a game itself has no online options. If Valve were to ever to close its doors or suffer from an irreparably permanent accident, over 7 million users would become hysterical and rage because their precious games would no longer be downloadable or playable.
Customer support
Steam is well known for its specials and discounts, giving everyone the opportunity to waste money on games they'll play a couple times, mostly for treasure hunt achievements. Also being true to capitalism, Valve doesn't factor currency fluctuations into the price of games, meaning they cost the same in euros or dollars.
What gamers get in return for their investment is the worst customer support in gaming history, there isn't a toll-free number to call, everyone must use email. After an email is sent, depending on the alignment of the planets and stars, customer support will respond... eventually.
Market and achievements
Let us explain how the Steam Market works.
- There are retards. They buy pixels with their own money.
- There are non-retards. They sell pixels they got for free and thus save money on video games.
- There are financial geniuses. They created a system where non-retards sell pixels to retards, and take a share from each sale.
If you are too lazy to earn the shitty achievements then you can use this tool
Steam Achievement Manager Gets you VAC banned now. Recommended that you not use this. Do it faggot.
Steam hates Europe and Australia
Because nobody cares about anything but USA, Steam has decided to make Europeans and Abos pay more for the shitty games, so they can help fund The United States before its bankruptcy. They clever way they came up with this is by proposing that one USD is equal to one Euro. And for Abos, they just charge double.
Forums and chats
Like any other gaming community, Steam's user base is a bunch of sophomoric and uncultivated morons from around the world, whose only real comfort in life is landing that perfect headshot and using hacks while trading sparkly multicolored pixelated hats and accessories.
Steam's friends and chats features can generate massive amounts of lulz when used correctly, much like is possible with Cleverbot. If you can do it rite the first time then you can upload the images and as a b-b-bonus, you will make the children rage. Is there a downside?
Dear Steam Users and Steam Forum Users:
Our Steam forums were defaced on the evening of Sunday, November 6. We began investigating and found that the intrusion goes beyond the Steam forums.
We learned that intruders obtained access to a Steam database in addition to the forums. This database contained information including user names, hashed and salted passwords, game purchases, email addresses, billing addresses and encrypted credit card information. We do not have evidence that encrypted credit card numbers or personally identifying information were taken by the intruders, or that the protection on credit card numbers or passwords was cracked. We are still investigating.
We don’t have evidence of credit card misuse at this time. Nonetheless you should watch your credit card activity and statements closely.
While we only know of a few forum accounts that have been compromised, all forum users will be required to change their passwords the next time they login. If you have used your Steam forum password on other accounts you should change those passwords as well.
We do not know of any compromised Steam accounts, so we are not planning to force a change of Steam account passwords (which are separate from forum passwords). However, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to change that as well, especially if it is the same as your Steam forum account password.
We will reopen the forums as soon as we can.
I am truly sorry this happened, and I apologize for the inconvenience.
Gabe.
Moar info: Steam Forums.
Greenlight
Have a good idea for game? Well then Steam Greenlight isn't for you. Steam Greenlight is a place where indie developers can release a game in early access (read unplayable) mode, and where big companies can get people to vouch for their games, so they don't have to take any chances.
Games that were greenlit
Here is why Greenlight is a complete and utter failure:
- Depression Quest - Not even a game
- Five Nights at Freddy's
- Gender Bender DNA Twister Extreme - DeviantArt the game
- Air Control - Doesn't work
Hatred removed from Greenlight
Despite being actually approved by a majority, Steam still saw fit to remove a game from Greenlight, because it contained violent graphic pixels. In a rare moment of lucidty, Gaben himself restored it.
Steam Cloud
Valve developers had no idea of what to do next. One of them suddenly awoke in the brainstorming room and threw the idea of making something so Steam victims could bring their fucks everywhere with them. They call it Steam Cloud and you can upload your saves and stuff. That's all. Well, you may also leave your computer and go try to get a life, you faggot.
September 2014 update
Curator
Have you thought about how great it would be if only gaming was a bit more corrupt? Thankfully Valve has the solution for you in the form of curator. YouTube personalities and alike can now and will be paid to promote games on front page. Expect to see TotalBiscuit and his list of games he was paid to like.
MP3 player
About 3 years too late, like it has always been the case with Valve, they thought about implementing a MP3-player to Steam, not knowing that nobody listens to MP3 anymore, or are smart enough to use an external player, that can be configured with the keyboard anyway.
Steam Memes
Some generic chats you'll see riddled across the Steam network.
- Rippy my Dippy
- GABE NEWELL CANT COUNT TO THREE!!1!
- To stop a Gaben
- Every time you make fun of Gaben's weight, Half-Life 3 is delayed another (x amount of time)
- MICSPAM!!!!!!
- Based God fucked my bitch
- Worth the weight
Interview with All Your History
Previous Video | Next Video
Quotes
Previous Quote | Next Quote
YouTube
- The best game on Steam now
Previous Video | Next Video
The death of modding
In April 2015, Steam announced paid game mods. Valve would receive a 75% cut to help satisfy Gaben's hunger. As a protest 75% of the PC Master Race committed suicide, and nothing of value was lost. Many mods that were once free are now being sold for between $2 to $5 each, which adds up to more than the original of Skyrim when you consider PC retards use 50+ mods at a time.
Oh look they are still free here
April 23, 2015. NEVAR FORGET
Surprisingly Steam actually heard the crying of all the 13 years who didn't want to spend all their parents' money at mods, so they removed it. So the new way for GabeN to make more money is to fire all his 4 employees.
Gallery
-
-
-
-
Official product from the Steam store. Gabe now on your mouse pad and feels real!
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
When this happens, you know that Gaben's been downloading furry porn overriding the servers. -
See also
External links
- Valve Class Action Lolsuit site Let the lolsuits begin.
- A description of their lackluster support
|
Steam is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article January 19th & 20th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Raoul DeMarest |
Steam | Succeeded by EmiNet |
