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The Iceman
The Iceman (Powerword: Richard Kuklinski) is an extremely edgy and hilarious sick fuck who has a kill/death ratio of about 250/1. This mothefucker was so out of his goddamn mind he would kill people just for looking at him wrong. He had the typical childhood of a sociopath, but the future he chose to develop was anything but typical. He had moxie, motivation, and more ambition than you will ever have in your sad pathetic excuse for a life. Seriously, this bastard made a living doing shit you only occasionally and passively consider; say you'll DO IT BUT NEVER WILL. YOU CAN'T SEE CALIFORNIA WITHOUT MARLON BRANDO'S EYES.
Daddy Problems
Long ago in a childhood far, far away... KUKLINSKI was born to a poor polack who, in a fit of wódka and kiszone-induced rage managed to permaban his older brother for, unlike Richard when he was older, not working hard enought to support his family. He would, however still beat him just to pass the time. Some might go so far as to say it was a pastime. His Pot-Licker mother would then comfort him by beating him with the broom "wherever it would hit." Kuklinski learned how to be an effective piece of shit and took his buttmad out on animals. In one story he recounts tying two cat's tails together and watching them progressively get angrier and angrier until they mauled each other to death.
Becoming The Iceman
Kuklinski then upgraded from killing animals to killing people. He isn't sure when the transition happened exactly, but he knows it happened when he was young. One time, some fuckers tried to drive poor Kuklinski off the road because of his NJ license plates. He retaliated by driving them off the road, jumping out of his car, grabbing his .357 magnum, and confronting those greasy faggots like a boss. Said faggots (who were clearly asking for it) did what any group of pussies would do. Since they outnumbered him, they thought to themselves "Let's jump this fuck." In the Iceman's words "I don't think they saw too good. I mean, who would approach a man with a .357 at his side?" Without skipping a beat, Kuklinski leveled his weapon and permabanned those fuckers. So thorough was Kuklinski that he reloaded his weapon and double tapped each one for a double dose of dead.
Another time, a loud mouth guido faggot was feeling his oats and decided that he'd shoot his cock holster off at the then eighteen year old Kuklinski. Seething with rage, Kuklinski kept his eye on his rape victim for two hours. The guido left and Kuklinski, being the bad ass motherfucker that he was followed the soon to be destroyed cocksucker to his car. There, the loudmouth fell asleep.
Big. Fucking. Mistake.
Kuklinski got himself an empty bottle, some gasoline and a rag. With his molotov in hand, he approached the car, lit the rag fuse and tossed it in with the sleeping faggot. Kukliski then walked away from the bonfire he started, all the while hearing the sweet, sweet symphony of his victim burning alive.
Even as badass as the Iceman was, he only had an eight grade education. Compounding his problem was that he met a sexy nineteen year old filly. In spite of his awesome rage powers, he treated his new squeeze like a queen. Eventually Kuklinski pulled a 'how is babby formed' with his woman. With only a limited education, he could only score menial jobs that paid little. Being a family man, he started pirating porn and selling it to third parties connected to the Gambinos, a wop crime syndicate in order to make ends meet. One thing led to another, and The Iceman was given his Golden Ticket in the form of a .38 Special. Riding shotgun with a guy named "Frankie" and another goodfella named "Roy" he was made to prove that he was as cold as people who knew him said he was. In an undisclosed location, the trio watched and waited. Then, Roy spotted the mark. Some random faggot walking his dog. Roy said "Waste 'em." Kukliski exited the car, walked past the mark and then turned, shooting him in the back. Making his escape with Roy and Frankie, he got his start as an IRL Admin, banning people that Roy wanted banned.
Methods of Mayhem
Aside from the standard fare like guns, knives and his bare mitts Kuklinski was a murder artist. If it was in his vicinity, you could bet your ass he'd figure out a way to fuck your shit sideways with it. Once, after an altercation in a bar he followed a guy who was with a group of friends. They were bar hopping. Outside of another bar, Kuklinski saw his opportunity when the guy decided to piss outside in a back alley. Grabbing a clothesline in said alley, he went and 47'd that guy's ass, choking him to death with the clothesline.
However, his best weapon of choice was sodium cyanide. Anyone with some knowledge of forensics knows that cyanide is an awesome way to kill someone. Clean, quiet and hard to detect unless you knew that it was cyanide that killed the victim. He was so good at using this form of murder that he could troll with it with impunity. Once, Kuklinski had taken a contract no one else would touch. His target was a clubfag, but hard to get to because he always had an entourage. Scouting his mark, Kuklinski noted that there were a lot of homosexuals were flitting about the place.
Kuklinski smiled to himself, the lulz factor in his mind overpowering him.
Dressing in a big gay yellow sweater, big gay pants and big gay platform shoes, Kuklinski fagged his way into the crowd. The mark was dancing and bumping into people. Armed with a syringe, Kukliski flash danced towards the mark. Pretending to stumble, The Iceman bumped into the mark, slipping the thin syringe into his buttock and giving him a dose of shut-the-fuck-up-forever. Kuklinski made his exit, and the mark had himself a massive heart attack.
The Rats
However, Kuklinski wasn't above torture. Knives, razors, car battery...god damn he was an artist. His favorite method to torture/kill was rats. See, Kuklinski wasn't above the ennui that plagues everybody. He didn't drink or do drugs and spent most of his time at home. Such placidity off the job brewed weird flights of fancy. When the opportunity to act on his flights of fancy presented itself, he duct taped victims hands and feet to where they couldn't escape, tossed 'em into a rat's nest and set up a camcorder. Of all the twisted fucking shit the Iceman did, this was the only thing that made him feel wrong. Didn't stop him, but knowing the Iceman's propensity to feel nothing during the kill, the fact he felt anything was a big deal to him.
Caught
The Iceman was finally caught after a friend snitched on his ass and got him set up by the cops. It took a full year before they were able to catch him via the dirty tactics of entrapment, and they charged him with five murder counts, six weapons violations, attempted murder, robbery, and attempted robbery. They couldn't prove that the murders were committed by him, and so they could only get him stuck with five life sentences that made parole impossible until he was over 100 years old. His only regrets in life included letting his family down and not murdering the rest of his friends. He died of unknown causes in 2006.
Analyzed
During a 12 hour analysis that went over the course of a few days, a psychologist diagnosed The Iceman with two mental illnesses: Antisocial personality disorder and Paranoid personality disorder. Both of these conditions are relatively rare to have alone, and having them together essentially turns you into the incredible hulk.
tl;dr Kuklinski was born mad
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See Also
| The Iceman is part of a series on serious business |
Serious Concepts
Free Speech • Identity theft • Irony • Internet asshole • Internet Celebrities • Internet disease • Internet drama • Internet humanitarians • Internet Law • Internet lawsuit • Internet lawyer • Internet stalking • Internet tough guy • Internet Vigilante Group • Operation Falcon Punch • Swatting • Vandalism • World Wide Web Consortium People & Organizations
2cash • Alan Turing • Casey Serin • David Hockey • Dear Cis People • Doxbin • Fast Eddie • Grace Saunders • Hallcats Squadron • Jessi Slaughter • Mary Bell • Meek Mill • Kittens • Maja Schmidt • Missy • Niggest Crook Force • Psychopath • Vloggerheads • WEB SHERIFF |
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| Featured article July 25rd & 26th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Stephen Fry |
The Iceman | Succeeded by Roosh V |