iCarly

iCarly was the worst show on television. This steaming pile of shit revolved around the miserable fuck lives of two 13-year-old lolis who run their own web show. The show was created as Viacom's next attempt at cashing out another child actor ever since Jamie Lynn Spears failed to realize that her mouth can't get pregnant.

The show came to be when well-known drama whore and Drake & Josh loli Miranda Cosgrove realized that she could get her own show using her special talents to persuade Viacom producers. iCarly quickly became one of the most popular shows for 12-year-old girls and desperate pedophiles during its just over five-year reign of terror on television.

Plot

For a 13-year-old camwhore she's very creative when it comes to marketing. Just like any other advertisement, it's a trap to get those afflicted with Asperger's to their show.

The show is based around the life of goody two-shoes Carly Shay, your average American whore. One day, Carly was in the teachers' lounge sucking her teachers' dicks for good grades when she saw that her teacher had pulled out a video camera. This gave the little whore an idea: "Why be a regular whore when I can also be a camwhore as well? HERP DERP!" Teaming up with her best friend and well-known dyke Sam Puckett, Carly set out to become the most popular camwhore on the Internet.

Each episode of the show consists of Carly preparing for her next episode of iCarly. In the process, she ends up getting into wacky situations including:

How can you let my enemy penetrate my inner sanctum?!
Getting detention for prostitution.
Breaking into teachers' houses for various reasons.
Making fun of various citizens.
Hacking into their middle school's computer network.
Having a Super butthurt Haxor hack into their website so that he could get sympathy sex.
Gang-rape a private school dean for the ball in her pocket.
Having an orgasm every time they eat creamy pie.
Teaming up with Fred to create mass drama when it was actually a hoax to get moar page-views for their sites.
Note that they can NOT do the show without YELLING AND OVER REACTING! YOU MUST YELL AND ACT LIKE AN IDIOT!1!!11!1
Sending various adult figures who can stop Carly from doing her show to their doom.

After they've planned their show, they then air their creation live to viewers across the Interwebs on their flashy awesome php-built website because Washington State funds a great web page course for middle school students.

The web broadcast consists of using weird props and gags to create a sense of funny but it usually ends in the creation of a blast of concentrated anti-lulz. When Sam and Carly aren't having three-ways, four-ways, and five-ways with hot men and beautiful women of all ages, showing clips of Carly secretly masturbating in public or showing people how to use sex toys, they're airing a video submitted by their fans. Most of these videos consist of "Who Can Shove What Up Where," goatse imitations, and clips from the Pain Olympics.

Considering that no mentally sane person would laugh at any of the "jokes," the show must recycle the same fucking laugh track and cheering sound effects of a castrated elephant. As if the jokes aren't bad enough, the fact that the producers think they're SO FUCKING FUNNY LAWL! and the overused laugh tracks will make you want to commit suicide, as you should you pedophillic sack of shit. What the fuck are you doing watching Nickelodeon anyway? Also, why was this article created?

Characters

Carly - When it comes to lolis, the best type is the sluttiest, and it doesn't get any sluttier than Carly Shay. Like many other girls her age, her main drive in life is to have the most attention ever. Unlike most of the gabbling, fatass whores of today's generation though, she has a brain. She's one of those spoiled little goody two-shoes shits that always gets what she wants and if she doesn't, she always finds a way. When she can't get it, she gets her slave to persuade the opposing parties. This is one teenage girl you do NOT want to ~~mess~~ fuck with, literally. She also appeared in a bikini in one episode for normal people to fap to while riding their unicorns. You can see the actress on TV singing the praises of golden showers in the song "It's Raining Sunshine," which has been legally fapped to since May 14, 2011.

Sam - Sam is the second of the two loose gals on "iCarly," and the local neighborhood dyke. Famous for her role as Stephanie Tanner, her main role in the show is to rape the living shit out of everything that moves with her massive, raping double dildo. One of her most notable targets is Freddie, who she rapes and molests on a daily occasion. Often against his will. Whenever she's not penetrating an innocent bystander, she's filming a new web cast with her Mistress Carly. She provides the comical element to the show. Most /b/tards hail her as the prime example of the average female on /b/. This theory is false because there are no girls on the Internet. And lately, has been rumored that she may be a hermaphrodite. She had writing on her stomach in one episode, clearly displaying her readiness for /b/. The jailbait wait for this one officially ended on June 26, 2010, so fap away.

Freddie - The camera guy for the show. He is super leet with his Computer Science education, and he's only 13. He got tricked into becoming the camera guy for "iCarly" when Carly pulled the classic friend zone trap which Freddie couldn't resist--the little pussy. Freddie is the only person that Carly won't fuck, suck, or even plop em' out for and he still does her bidding. Whenever he isn't crying in the corner while listening to MCR or jerking off to MCR, he's being constantly raped by Sam, and when it's not Sam, it's his bipolar bitch of a mother who was last seen on Malcolm in the Middle. He probably enjoys it seeing that he kissed Sam which simultaneously made fat girls squeal, pedophiles fap, and made innocent channel surfers who were just looking for the Packers game puke shit Zalgo fashion. In one episode, he wears a fursuit to "make his baby cousin laugh" but got vomited on when his little cousin (who was only shown in that episode and is never seen again) figured out he was a fucking furry. In the following episodes, he strangely never uses the fursuit again, despite how expensive it probably was, but he has his reasons. He would later go on to build an imageboard.

Spencer - The older "brother" of Carly. In reality, he is a pedophile posing as Carly's brother. It all began when he was hiding in a dumpster waiting for a sweet little girl to walk by when he noticed Carly walking with the real Spencer. When Carly got distracted by a possible "business opportunity," she left the real Spencer to wait near the dumpster. Later that night, the sick fuck of a pedophile--we'll call him Mitch Conner--had now disguised himself as Spencer waiting for the right opportunity. Not only is he able to hide his pedo ways, he landed in a pedo goldmine. He is considered to be a an hero to most. He also did the voice for the main character in T.U.F.F. Puppy.

Nevel - The show's smart guy. Apparently, this nerd decides what websites are "kool or nawt." When Carly found a loophole in his bullshitty plothole, Nevel gained a 5-foot boner then torments Carly in later episodes. However, no one cares about him anyways. Carly got butthurt in an early episode when he tried to kiss her cheek. She always tries to act as tormenting and penalizing as possible to him on occasions. Once everyone in the USA tossed a bitch-fit in an episode at him because he berated a little girl who was probably in first or second grade and she tossed a tantrum and cried. So someone uploaded it online.

Fandom

iCarly fans can be considered the most pathetic people on the Internet. They lack the ability to congregate even into the simplest forum and have the brain capacity of an average Arby's customer, making them dumber than the average /b/tard. iCarly fans can be summed up in two main categories:

Seddie

These group of fans can be compared to Zutara fans of Avatar in which they're demanding that the producers have Sam and Freddie get together and fuck like it's the end of time. One theory is that Seddie fanatics are actually Zutarafags who are still bawling over the ending to Avatar.

Desperate pedophiles

The pedophiles that watch iCarly are incredibly pathetic. These are the guys who can't even get a simple nude pic, let alone get a little girl to eat their candy. A lot of these pedophiles are actually trying to study the actions of Spencer in order to use his actions on the pedophile front line.

Trolling methods

Trolling an iCarly fan is as easy as paying Rootbrian's dental bill ~~for the rest of his life~~ AT ALL. It is nearly impossible due to the fact that none of the fans have the mental capacity to create a decent working forum for trolls to do their handy work. Most attempts at trolling iCarly fans end in tragedy.

When you do have the ideal opportunity to troll a fan, your best bet is to:

State that Sam and Freddie will never be together.
Tell the forum owner that he/she/it is a sick pedophile.
Mention how each time someone makes a poor review on iCarly all she wants to do is cry and cut herself.
Talk shit about however character has Mommy issues.

iCarly videos

Previous Video | Next Video

Shameless advertising

iCarly has become so popular by every little shit in the world that Viacom has seen fit to sell every known type of product under the iCarly brand name. These include:

iCarly porno DVDs
iCarly music tapes
iCarly sports drink (with steroid extract)
iCarly dildo (now it glows in your tight anus)
iCarly Fleshlight
iCarly blowup doll (now with Freddie)
iCarly lead-based toys

The producers even saw it fit to tweak the names of IRL products so they wouldn't have to pay for licensing contracts. For example: Pepsi Cola changes to Peppi Cola, iPod becomes PearPod and Shamwow to Shampow.

"Singing deals"

And when you thought that was it the stupid cunt of an actor, Miranda Cosgrove, decided to start a singing career after recording the shitstorm of an opening theme.

	“	It was horrible. Her harpy shriek echoed across the building. It made the Men's Bathroom become haunted with Holocaust victims. It's sad really, because the producers listened to it as if it was heavenly. But really, she writes songs like she takes shits. She shits in the mouth of one of her man whores who then shits it out of his wide open rectum, producing a much denser turd that has properties of highly corrosive acid. Also, they don't flush.	„
	—Petey, the Head Janitor at the Recording Studio.

iCanceled

Nickelodeon at long last pulled the plug on this abomination before God, with its final episode airing on November 23, 2012. Nothing of value was lost.