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Gabrielle Chana
To the eyes of common men, Gabrielle Chana or "Gail" is a 50 something divorced schizophrenic old coot who got hit hard with the fugly stick, but if Admiral Ackbar ever taught us something, is that appearances are deceitful. One need not to dig much to find a complete mindfuck of a story that can bring even the sanest man to start taking Flunitrazepam. Besides being a lauded author Gabrielle finds the spare time to make shit tons of videos and write huge fucking walls of text denouncing the constant global conspiracy against her and the rich and famous men on her marriage list. All the machinations and assaults are orchestrated by a mysterious organization known as The Order of Jesuits.
Soon after detecting her as a threat to their plans of world domination, The Order of the Jesuits decided to destroy her life by any means possible, first silently working on the backwroung, planting one of their agents to marry her and stopping her from reaching her full potential. Then she got divorced and the Jesuits moved from silent ops to full frontal assault on her, by branding her and her would be husbands as priority targets for assassination, or replacements by clones, or simply fuck them up in any way conceivable. As a counterattack to the Jesuit barrage, Gail's husbands to be, formed the one and only Church of Gail, in hopes of shield her against the attacks, and should any of them fall, the next will take his place in the marriage list.
The year is 2012, the Jesuit relentless attack against Gail and her followers continue. The Jesuit clones try over and over again to infiltrate her life to ruin it, yet Gail remains hopeful in the final victory, a final solution that will bring the Order of the Jesuits down on his knees, and finally installing her, Gabrielle Chana, at her rightful place as World Empress.
The woman herself
According to the data files provided to us by the Order of the Jesuits, Gail was born September 15th, 1957 to a divorced single mother in Cutler Ridge, Florida. Shortly after the birth, the genetic profiling teams were made aware of a dangerous combination of genes in infant Gail -- 60% Catherine The Great and 50% King David. To make matters worse, her great uncle was none other than the great Howard Hughes himself. This was a sure recipe for disaster. Since 1957 the Jesuits have fought to hide her powerful genetic past from society. They first tried to kill her by giving her an allergy to baby formula. When that failed we started the Cold War in order to keep Russia and the United States distracted so that we could continue to weaken her quietly. It was a success. The Jesuits current methods of control include sabotaging her own brain, family, friendships and most importantly her love lives with the famous and powerful men that seek to be with her.
In order to keep Gail from destroying the Jesuits mission for world domination, society must never find out who she really is. The Jesuits have successfully hidden her power from the world by rewriting her entire genetic profile and fabricating a diminished societal image of Gail. To the ordinary person, Gail is nothing more than an average looking, middle-aged, divorced single woman. She suffers from paranoid schizoprehnia, this angle is particularly important for the Jesuits, since then they are then able to have their agents in the medical field administer psychiatric drugs that keep her further under their control. Anyone that meets her will only see a crazy woman with poor self esteem, who has built a rich fantasy life to fill her deep emotional holes.
Her love life
Despite the Jesuits meddling, Gabrielle Chana has obtained two famous and powerful husbands. The passionate love these two men share for Gail has proved to be the biggest in the way of the Jesuits plan. Should these two men ever meet with Gail the results could be catastrophic for the Jesuits.
So far, the Jesuits have successfully kept society from knowing about her relationships with these powerful men by assigning Jesuit agents to pose as their “real” wife and lovers. They have fabricated stories, photos and documents about their relationships (and in the case of Vladimir, created false extramarital affairs) in order to fool the world at large into thinking both of these men are happily taken by more appropriate, famous, less Jewish women. We have built and assigned two women for this task, Loree McBride and Lyudmila Putin.
Aside from Brent Spiner and Vladimir Putin, Gail has engaged in telepathic relationships with a number of equally powerful men that are in a secret Marriage List -- a list of famous men organized by Vladimir and Brent should either of them ever be eliminated by our agents. These men will all die for Gail, and potentially all of them could prove treacherous obstacles in teh Jesuits plans to sabotage her life.
The marriage list
As stated before, the Marriage List is a list of men organized by Brent Spiner and Vladimir Putin for Gail in the event that either of their lives be extinguished by Jesuit agents. The entire list is unknown at this time, but a few men have been confirmed as husbands in waiting. It is believed that there are roughly 40 men on this list, most of them, famous. They have been screened for compatibility with Gail’s personality using computer satellite brain reads. The list was started in 2005 after the Jesuits attempted to kill Vladimir Putin with a near-fatal heart attack, rendering him unable to have telepathic sex with Gail.
The famous actor Brent Spiner is most known for his role as Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation. He is not known for much else. Over the years he has attempted stage plays, music and comedy with varying (usually brief and forgotten) success.
Throughout the 1990’s Brent Spiner began corresponding with Gail by telephone and later created two music albums for her (Ol’ Yellow Eyes Is Back and Dreamland). He is the first, favorite and most devoted lover bonded to Gail and as such has become the next most important target and enemy of the Jesuits, first they forced him to marry one of their own, a clone named Loree McBride. The rebel army leaded by Gail and their husbands to be, decided to execute Loree McBride and all her clones to liberate Brent Spinner when suddenly all the Loree McBride clones and Brent himself got teleported away by the Jesuits.
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Vladimir Putin is the President, Prime Minister and Emperor of Russia. He enjoys animals, horseback riding, is an honorary Hell’s Angel biker (nicknamed “Abaddon”), a black belt judo master and inarguably one of the most badass men in history.
Vladimir became acquainted with Gail following the Jesuit attacks on 9/11, when she knew she needed a President the most. He has secretly appointed her as his Emperoress of Russia, allowing her to enact anti-Jesuit laws to benefit Russia and the rest of the world. This, along with the fact that he is the second most bonded lover to Gail and is her spiritual husband (in conjunction with Brent Spiner) makes him a top target for the Jesuits.
—Vladimir Putin | ||
After Vladimir Putin’s failed heart attack in 2005, Matthew McConaughy was assigned as a replacement husband for about a month. When his time with Gail ended he asked to be in line as her next husband, inspiring the rest of the list to spring forth. Jesuit Agent Camilla Alves later stole Matthew’s sperm and artificially impregnated herself, obligating him into a relationship with her for the sake of his children. This successfully induced clinical depression, which was thwartded by additional telepathic sex with Gail and psychiatric counseling from Gerard Butler.
—Matthew McConaughy | ||
When one of the Jesuit agents attempted to assassinate Brent Spiner, Hugh Jackman pulled out his concealed weapon and shot teh Jesuit agent dead. Brent and Vladimir encouraged Gail to have telepathic sex with Hugh Jackman in order to reward him and boost his morale. He then found himself fighting 2 million Jesuits to rescue Gail's mother from a secret compound. He emerged victorious with the help of robots he created, and one of ther robots fought so breavely he got awarded the Medal of Honor by no other than Barrack Obama. Hugh Jackman was later put on the marriage list. In the meantime, the Jesuits have murdered his original wife and replaced her with a clone in order to destroy his once genuine love life.
Terrance Jenkins was the infamous judge who oversaw what is now renown to all of humanity as The Greatest Trial In World History -- Gail Chord Schuler vs. Loree McBride. The trial was used to determine which woman was Brent Spiner's true love. When the judge ruled in favor of Gail and began executing beautiful clones of Loree McBride, he became a top target for the Jesuits.
He continues to provide Gail with valuable insight and has joined her marriage list. Since he is black, they will probably never engage in brain-to-brain sex, as Gail is a huge racist.
Although he holds a degree in hydolic engineering, Gail finds the Chinese President too dry and scientific, and as all Asians his dick is far too small.
—Hu Jintao | ||
Gerard functionas as a psychiatrist for all of the men on the marriage list. He plays a significant role in screening and choosing the men for Gail’s marriage list.
The Jesuits
- The clones