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Christopher Reeve

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Back when that bulge meant more than just a greater surface area for a gurning black nursing assistant to sponge bath 3 times a week...
Thanks Maddox!


Christopher Reeve (the opposite of Christopher Walken) was the actor who played Superman, made quadriplegic after a horse riding accident. He made interesting appearances in select usericons on LJ. Also a prime (albeit dead) player in the "Christopher Reeve is a Dead Cripple" drama initiated by LJ user jimmybobob79.

In his defense the horse was made entirely out of kryptonite.

Christopher Reeve eventually snuffed it due to festering bedsores. This was after his loving, caring wife stopped flipping him over when she realised that he was actually just trolling her with the time honoured DGT of withholding sex. The world has been a better place since.

   
“ 		 
Wanna hear me queef the National anthem?
  		„
  		 

—Final words to his wife


So what happened?

On May 27, 1995, Reeve's horse had a desire for some lulz, faked shitbrix, and Reeve fell off, causing a cervical spinal injury that superspasticated Reeve from the neck-down. Witnesses said that the horse gave a cheerful cry, jumped over the third fence, and then suddenly stopped. In mid-air. Someone said that a ninja spooked the horse, and another person claimed that it might have been a stray speck of dust.

Reeve an heroically held on and the bridle, the bit, two megabytes, and the reins were pulled off the horse and tied his hands together. He landed headfirst (lol) on the other side of the fence. His homemade aluminum foil cap prevented any brain damage, O RLY?, but the impact of his soon to be useless body hitting the ground shattered his first and second vertebrae.

After a vet was called to bring the horse down from mid-air, it was decided that Reeve, or the body tree protruding legs upward from the ground, should be attended to. Reeve had not been breathing for over an hour before paramedics stopped attaching tree decorations to him for the lulz, and dug him up.

Many many people (at least 69) point to the epic, all powerful abilities of his most famous film character, Superman, and the remarkable contrast from this to the exact opposite-ness he achieved after his accident. Some argue that Reeve secretly wanted to achieve the fabled level of Super Irony, and staged FUCKING EVERYTHING.

He was apparently obsessed with all things super, and was said to have sucked many a Jew cock in order to get the Superman role. This of course blows away the Super Irony GET theory, as EVERYONE knows that bad things eventually happen to people who mix with Jews. To sum up - Jews did it. Jews killed Superman.

Moar Irony

During his recovery Reeve was in the hospital, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool whilst his horse waited in the building opposite, biding its time and getting ready to finish the job. The horse's deep manic staring eyes distracted Reeve from his episodes of Seinfeld, and slowly turned him bat shit insane.

Photograph taken from Reeve's hospital window.
   
“ 		 
Reeve began to suffer from Delirium and would wake up sporadically and mouth words to Dana such as "Get the gun" and "They're after us."
  		„
  		 

—Actual quote from Reeve's Wikipedia entry.

It was at this point that Reeve decided he needed to do something to get out of his situation, and that was when he got the brilliant braingasm to inject as much money as possible into curing his horrible disfigurement. This part of Reeve's self-centered campaign to cure paralysis under the facade of actually "helping people" is pretty much covered in the article at the bottom of the page, as to why Christopher Reeve is an asshole by Maddox. It was then that Reeve decided to meddle in stem cell research, aka eating fetuses for breakfast lunch and dinner, this is one of the only subjects that the cockfostering arselickers at South Park actually got right. And it was after eating roughly over 9000 fetuses that Reeve began to develop superpowers, much like that dickless boy-scout character he portrayed in those shitty films.

   
“ 		 
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
  		„
  		 

—Reporter from South Park

LULZY Things You could Have Asked/Said To Him

Oh yeah?
  • Could you possibly sign my copy of your book, sir?
  • Catch!
  • When was the last time you were in a conga line?
  • Has snapping your neck made you reconsider your sexuality? Are you bisexual now?
  • Can I feed you?
  • When was the last time you held your son?
  • Can you still fly?
  • Pull my finger.
  • Did you clap at your kid's piano recital?
  • Heads up!
  • When was the last time you changed your own colostomy bag?
  • What's the weather like down there?
  • Stop farting.
  • What does pussy taste like?
  • Look out!
  • Hand me my gun.

...

Throwing a custard pie in his face would also be pretty cool!!

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