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Gabrielle Chana
To the eyes of common men, Gabrielle Chana or "Gail" is a fifty-something divorced schizophrenic old coot who got hit hard with the fugly stick, but if Admiral Ackbar has taught us anything, it’s that appearances can be deceptive. One need not dig too much to find a complete mindfuck of a story that can bring even the sanest man to start taking Valium mixed with Haloperidol. Besides being a lauded author, an Academy Award nominee, and Nobel Prize laureate, Gabrielle finds the spare time to make shit tons of videos and write huge fucking walls of text denouncing the constant global conspiracy against her and the rich and famous men on her Marriage List. All the machinations and assaults are orchestrated by a mysterious organization known as The Order of Jesuits.
Soon after detecting her as a threat to their plans of world domination, The Order of the Jesuits decided to destroy her life by any means possible, first silently working in the background, planting one of their agents to marry her and stopping her from reaching her full potential. Then she got divorced and the Jesuits moved from silent ops to full frontal assault on her, by branding her and her would-be husbands as priority targets for assassination or for replacement by clones, or simply fucking them up in any way conceivable. To counter the Jesuits’ barrage, Gail’s future husbands formed the Church of Gail, to help in the recruitment for her cause against the Jesuits. The husbands-to-be created a list of men willing to die for her and decreed that, should any of them fall, the next will take his place in the Marriage List.
The year is now 2012, and the Jesuits’ relentless attack against Gail and her followers continue, and Jesuit clones roam the earth with the singular goal of destroying Gail and all those who follow her. Despite this, Gail remains hopeful for the her victory, a final solution that will bring the Order of the Jesuits down on their knees, and will finally install her, Gabrielle Chana, at her rightful place as World Empress.
The woman herself
According to the data files provided to us by the Order of the Jesuits, Gail was born September 15th, 1957 to a divorced single mother in Cutler Ridge, Florida. Shortly after the birth, the genetic profiling teams were made aware of a dangerous combination of genes in infant Gail: 60% Catherine The Great and 50% King David. To make matters worse, her great uncle was none other than the great Howard Hughes himself. This was a sure recipe for disaster. Since 1957, the Jesuits have fought to hide her powerful genetic past from society. They first tried to kill her by giving her an allergy to baby formula. When that failed, they started the Cold War in order to keep Russia and the United States distracted so that they could continue to weaken her quietly. It was a success. The Jesuits’ current methods of control include sabotaging her own brain, family, friendships, and most importantly her love lives with the famous and powerful men that seek to be with her.
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Her Work
To many people, it might not be a surprise to learn the fact that Gail is an employee at Walmart. She works there because Walmart is also one of the few Companies that are not yet under the control of the ever meddling Jesuits, and Walmart is also fully aware of the threat that these clones represent for humanity. Some Jesuits’ clones had infiltrated the company getting posts as Managers; but as soon as they tried to get Gail fired or give her a hard time, Walmart stopped them in their tracks, for they are ever vigilant and protectful of their faithful employees .
Her writtings
Gabrielle Chana is also known for her writings. Her bestsellers are a beacon of light against the Jesuit Order's darkness and their plans for total world domination. She has been lauded with several awards:
- Academy Award for Best Picture Ever Made
- Nobel Prize in Medicine for Most Significant Contributions Made To Medicine in a Century
- Nobel Prize in Literature for Most Significant Contributions Made To Literature in a Century
Although the Jesuits, ever vigilant, have blocked her from receiving her awards, this hasn’t stopped her from continuing creating, for her abilities with the written word have proven to be a formidable means of recruitment for her cause. Once a man reads her works, he is irrevocably to fall into the deepest love imaginable with Gail. Proof of this is the large Marriage List of rich and famous men who yearn desperately for her love.
Her books so far include the masterpieces:
- Silver Skies (parts one and two) (3 Academy Awards)
- Catherine of King David (2 Academy Awards)
- Brent Spiner’s Flames
- Lal (A rejected teleplay for Brent Spiner)
Her love life
Despite the Jesuits’ meddling, Gabrielle Chana has obtained two famous and powerful husbands. The passionate love these two men share for Gail has proved to be the biggest obstacle in the way of the Jesuits’ plan. Should these two men ever meet with Gail in the flesh, the results could be catastrophic for the Jesuits.
So far, the Jesuits have successfully kept society from knowing about her relationships with these men by assigning Jesuit agents to pose as their “real” wife and lovers. They have fabricated stories, photos and documents about their relationships (and in the case of Vladimir, created false extramarital affairs) in order to fool the world at large into thinking both of these men are happily taken by more appropriate, famous, less Jewish women. The Jesuits have built and assigned many women for this task, among them Loree McBride and Lyudmila Putin.
Besides Brent Spiner and Vladimir Putin, Gail has engaged in telepathic relationships with a number of equally powerful men that are in a secret Marriage List— a list of famous men organized by Vladimir and Brent, should either of them ever be eliminated by Jesuits’ agents. These men will all die for Gail, and potentially all of them could prove treacherous obstacles in the Jesuits’ plans to sabotage her life.
Brain to Brain Loving
Gail Chana’s scientific crew developed a way to hack into the Jesuit surveillance network and take advantage of their constant brain scanning to send signals from one brain to the other. Vladimir Putin tested this system as a way to finally express his sexual desire for Gail; soon, the first brain to brain sexual relationship between him and Gail had taken place. Gail and Vladimir found out that through brain to brain, they could also communicate without the need of interpreters since the satellites would translate everything automatically. Ever since, Gail has used this method to commune with the men of her life.
The Marriage List
As stated before, the Marriage List is a list of men organized by Brent Spiner and Vladimir Putin for Gail in the event that either of their lives be extinguished by Jesuit agents. The full list is unknown at this time, but a few men have been confirmed as husbands in waiting. It is believed that there are roughly forty men on this list, most of them famous. They have been screened for compatibility with Gail’s personality using computer satellite brain reads. The list was started in 2005 after the Jesuits attempted to kill Vladimir Putin with a near-fatal heart attack, rendering him unable to have telepathic sex with Gail.
The famous actor Brent Spiner is most known for his role as Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation. He is not known for much else. Over the years he has attempted stage plays, music and comedy, with varying (usually brief and forgotten) success.
Throughout the 1990’s, Brent Spiner began corresponding with Gail by telephone and later created two music albums for her (Ol’ Yellow Eyes Is Back and Dreamland). He is the first, favorite, and most devoted lover bonded to Gail, and as such has become the next most important target and enemy of the Jesuits; first they forced him to marry one of their own, a clone named Loree McBride. The rebel army led by Gail and their husbands to be, decided to execute Loree McBride and all her clones to liberate Brent Spinner when suddenly all the Loree McBride clones and Brent himself got teleported away by the Jesuits.
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Vladimir Putin is the President, Prime Minister and Emperor of Russia. He enjoys animals, horseback riding, is an honorary Hell’s Angel biker (nicknamed “Abaddon”), a black belt judo master and inarguably one of the most badass men in history.
Vladimir became acquainted with Gail following the Jesuit attacks on 9/11, when she knew she needed a President the most. He has secretly appointed her as his Empress of Russia, allowing her to enact anti-Jesuit laws to benefit Russia and the rest of the world. This, along with the fact that he is the second most bonded lover to Gail, and is her spiritual husband (in conjunction with Brent Spiner), makes him a top target for the Jesuits.
—Vladimir Putin | ||
After Vladimir Putin’s failed heart attack in 2005, Matthew McConaughy was assigned as a replacement husband for about a month. When his time with Gail ended, he asked to be in line as her next husband, inspiring the rest of the list to spring forth. Jesuit Agent Camilla Alves later stole Matthew’s sperm and artificially impregnated herself, obligating him into a relationship with her for the sake of his children. This successfully induced clinical depression, which was thwarted by additional telepathic sex with Gail and psychiatric counseling from Gerard Butler.
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When one of the Jesuit agents attempted to assassinate Brent Spiner, Hugh Jackman pulled out his concealed weapon and shot the Jesuit agent dead. Brent and Vladimir encouraged Gail to have telepathic sex with Hugh Jackman in order to reward him and boost his morale. He then found himself fighting two million Jesuits to rescue Gail’s mother from a secret compound. He emerged victorious with the help of robots he created, and one of their robots fought so bravely he got awarded the Medal of Honor by no other than Barack Obama. Hugh Jackman was later put on the Marriage List. In the meantime, the Jesuits have murdered his original wife and replaced her with a clone in order to destroy his once genuine love life.
Terrence Jenkins was the infamous judge who oversaw what is now renown to all of humanity as The Greatest Trial In World History, Gail Chord Schuler vs. Loree McBride. The trial was used to determine which woman was Brent Spiner’s true love. When the judge ruled in favor of Gail and began executing beautiful clones of Loree McBride, he became a top target for the Jesuits.
Jenkins continues to provide Gail with valuable insight, and has joined her Marriage List. Since he is black, they will probably never engage in brain-to-brain sex, as Gail is a huge racist.
Although he holds a degree in hydraulic engineering, Gail finds the Chinese President too dry and scientific, and as all Asians, his dick is far too small.
—Hu Jintao | ||
Gerard functions as a psychiatrist for all of the men on the Marriage List. He plays a significant role in screening and choosing the men for Gail’s Marriage List.
The Order of the Jesuits
—The order of the Jesuits | ||
Behold the true warriors of our Lord! Set upon themselves with the task of bringing to everyone the true word of our lord Jesus Chirst by any means possible. They shall neither halt nor yield at any obstacle to their total conquest. Since centuries ago the Order managed to establish themselves as the power behind the curtain, the puppet-masters of the world, using techniques that range from mind control to torture and assassination.
Until recently, the Jesuits’ control over humanity seemed total and unchallenged, but then Gabrielle Chana was born. In order to keep Gail from destroying the Jesuits’ mission for world domination, society must never find out who she really is. The Jesuits have successfully hidden her power from the world by rewriting her entire genetic profile and fabricating a diminished societal image of Gail. To the ordinary person, Gail is nothing more than an average looking, middle-aged, divorced single woman. She suffers from paranoid schizophrenia— this angle is particularly important for the Jesuits, since then they are then able to have their agents in the medical field administer psychiatric drugs that keep her further under their control. Anyone that meets her will only see a crazy woman with poor self esteem, who has built a rich fantasy life to fill her deep emotional holes.
The Jesuit war machine is varied and strong, however, since Gail’s appearance, they have been forced to change their tactics. They invented cloning as a way to replace all those around Gail, to fully keep her under control. They invented the infamous Nukakke Bomb, a bomb that, instead of yielding fire and radiation, fills the target zone with semen and AIDS; they created the HAARP and used it to bring death and sorrow upon Haiti and Japan. They own teleportation devices, mind control satellites, and millions of foot soldiers ready to give their lives in the line of duty.
Video of the Nao March 9, 2012
The clones
The day Canada drowned in semen
Gail the Camwhore
Last_tuesday either gail or an evil clone of hers was seen on LiveJasmin:
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Notoriously difficult to keep with here. -
Alright, I admit it I'd tap that like Brent Spiner brain to brain.
See also
External Links
- The Church of Gail Website
- The Order of the Jesuits Website
- Her Website
- A wiki dedicated to documenting Gail
- Gail’s Amazon Author page
| Featured article June 13, 14, & 15, 2012 | ||
| Preceded by Glee |
Gabrielle Chana | Succeeded by Ripper |
| Gabrielle Chana is part of a series on Obscure Religions  |
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