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Sword Art Online

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This article is boring. You can help by placing relevant pretty pictures and adding more lulz/drama.
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HEARTCLIFF IS ACTUALLY THE CREATOR, LEAFA IS ACTUALLY KIRITO'S SISTER WHO IS NOT ACTUALLY A SISTER BUT A COUSIN AND YUI IS AN AI WHO GETS DELETED BUT IS REVIVED LATER ON!!!!!!!!!!1
Kirito is a completely original character, most definitely not inspired by anything ever done by anyone else before.

Sword Art Online, also known as Sword Fart Online, is a "light novel" written by a Jap known as Reki Kawahara, which later got adapted into an anime.

In The Beginning

When Reki was a 13-year-old boy he was often bullied in school for being an autistic retard, and thus he spent a good deal of time alone in his room. Since internets didn't exist at the time, he was forced to do boring things like read books, collect stamps or capture pokémon.

One day, having nothing better to do, Reki decided he would put time and effort into writing a deviantART-tier novel.

In 2012, he conjured the abomination up from the deep grimy pits of his mom's basement and begged several producers to adapt his work into an anime, after sucking several cocks for the CEOs of a Japanese company named abec, he finally got his way.

Plot

"Original" Story

The story follows an emo nerd named Kirito, who lives in Japan in the year 2022, there is a massive hype about a Virtual-Reality MMORPG called Sword Art Online being released on the NerveGear; a virtual-reality console that puts the user in a hyper realistic 3D environment.

On release date, Kirito is playing the game, after 4 hours of gameplay he realizes the game is absolute shit and that he just wasted good money that he could instead have used to buy the also-newly-released Half Life 3 on steam, but as he is about to log off and put the game on the shelf forever, he sees that there is no option to log off.

That is when the Game creator summons every player to the world spawn to bring out the news that they can't log off unless they beat every boss in the game, and if you die in game you don't respawn, you die IRL.

After at least 100 episodes (of which only 3 have actual plot progression), Kirito predictably defeats the final boss and wakes up from his gaming comatose, the first thing he does is to try and locate his internet gf. He succeeds in doing so, but she hasn't waked up from her comatose because an evil Japanese businessman is keeping her trapped in his virtual sex dungeon and plans to fuck her IRL, Kirito again sets out on a journey to prove his manhood.

It actually is as boring as it seems.

Sword Art Online II

DUUUUUUUUURRR I TOOT GUN BANG BANG

After beating two MMOs the Japanese government realizes that Kirito is literally good for nothing besides playing video games so he gets asked to join League of Duty to get the attention of some faggot(s) named DeathStroke Blade Knight Eater Egg-Robo Gun, who's pawning only the most autistic retards that play the MMO. Kirito must investigate the super secret hax that Death Gun has to stop more people from being pwned within an MMO. It's a lot like .hack//Roots, except that was boring so it didn't happen.

Kirito becomes a trap for the lulz and meets up with a delicious jailbait named Sinon who's using video games to become a violent MLGer so she can cope with the fact that when she was a loli she needed to take three shots to irl-pwn someone. This causes Kirito to emotionally bond with her because in Sword Art Online he killed 6 7 12 at least 100 3 people! So Kirito gets a lightsaber and kills all the bad guys. The end.

Typical Episode Synopsis

  • Kirito is wandering around an area that isn't where the previous episode takes place. All of the exciting shit has happened offscreen right before the episode begins.
  • Kirito (and possible allies) meets character of the day about 2 minutes in.
  • Character of the day has a problem.
  • Character of the day spends literally 5 minutes explaining what the problem is.
  • Kirito attempts to solve that problem, but we don't get any scenery change until about 10 minutes in.
  • Something from the game escalates the problem after a 5 minutes of jacking off.
  • There is a fight.
  • The fight ends in 2 minutes when Kirito pulls some special move out of his asshole and saves the day
  • Character of the day either dies right in front of Kirito (cue the sad music and 2 hours of crying) or thanks Kirito for being more powerful than your average WoW basement dweller. The rest of the episode is devoted to this.
  • Kirito is revealed to have gotten just a little bit closer to completing the game.

The only notable exceptions to this rule are when Kirito spends about half of the episode making a grown man pretending to be a fairy piss himself crying, and when Kirito and his bitch go on honeymoon and have sex by a lake. Prove me wrong, faggots.

Characters

  • Yui: A computer program that starts to feel human emotions thanks to the power of love from Kirito and Asuna. Sees Kirito as her daddy, which makes her literally the only female in the series to not want Kirito's microdick... yet.
  • Klein: Typical highschool fuckboi who goes to /v/, he only gets around 10 minutes of screentime for the duration of the series so he plays the role of cannon fodder and is there only for comic relief.
  • Kayaba: Creator of SOA (the game, not this anime shit). Causes a lot of people to die for the sake of his power phantasy. An heroes so that he can become a program and live amongst the internet pron. His name sounds suspiciously similar to a completely different game entrepreneur from a different series.
  • Sinon - A delicious schoolgirl from the second series who got away with murder by getting all of the virtual headshots, or some shit. In an odd twist, she wants Kirito's dick until she learns that he's a trap, then wants his dick 7 episodes later. Good try.
  • Death Gun - Actually two people who pawn the leaderboards for some game called Gun Gail Online, which is enough to call the attention of the Japanese Government, who apparently have nothing else to do. One of them is a cuck who wants Sinon's butt and the other is a surviving member of Laughing Coffin, a bunch of neckbeards who preyed on newbs on SAO.
  • At least 500 other characters that appear once or twice and were killed off moments after being introduced.

See Also


Sword Art Online is part of a series on

Anime

Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.

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