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Belgium
Belgium does not exist. Belgium is a state of mind (one that calls for pharmaceutical intervention). Belgium is a flat place where Catholics drink beer by the sea. Belgium is a non-nation buffer state between France and Holland.
Belgium was invented in 1820 by the British Chancellor of the Exchequer after Napoleon was defeated in a moment of distraction while he was in the loo in Flanders. The Flemish having been the first people to invent the flushing toilet, hence, "Water-loo". Instead of returning Flanders to Holland and Balloonia to France, English Bureaucrats picked up a funny name in Latin that had not been used in 15 centuries and outlined a territory in a map of Europe which they called "Belgium", after some fictitious magical land of courageous Frenchmen that used to appear in Roman charts as "Galia Belgica". As the youngest country in Europe, Belgium has produced a disproportionate wealth of artists, statesmen, and literary men including Rene Magritte, the King of the Kongo, Plastic Bertrand, and race-conscious cartoon person "Herge".
The International Criminal Court is located near Belgium as Belgians' Crime-solving abilities are well documented.
After being good hosts to Germany twice in World War I and II, Belgium is now a Founding Member of the European Union. It covers an area of 30,528 km² (11,787 square miles) and has a population of about 10.7 million, which would be invisible from space if it wasn't for the high light pollution going on there. As if that wasn't worse enough, Belgium is populated by Flemings (59%) and Walloons (31%), who can't see each others faces, so they decided to split up the country into two parts. A vast amount of Germans inhabit the east but most Belgians pretend these aren't there.
The territory now known as Belgium was originally part of the Netherlands, France, and the Austrian-Spanish Habsburg Empire. After Napoleon invaded all of Europe including the Low Countries in collaboration with a number of Walloons England and Prussia forbade another French Anschluß and amalgamated France's borderlands with Holland's and Luxembourg's, creating the current monstrosity.
Flemings speak Dutch, Walloons speak French, and the Germans speak Luxembourgisch. None of these three groups can speak the original language in the right way. Walloons and Flemings really despise each other, although both of them are too lazy to cut the umbilical cord. Another reason is that they're pissed on their fruitbeer 1000% of the time, which makes them unable to tell who's Flemish and who's Walloon. For Census reasons a Belgian's ethnicity is determined by his or her tax return instead. If it's filled properly and honestly it's Flemish.
Belgians also sell the majority of their children to people in neighbouring countries, because there is no other way to pay off its highest state deficit in the world. The imported Arab community doesn't do this, which explains why Brussels, the capital, is now 100% Islamic.
Brussels, The "Capital" of "Europe"
Brussels is a planned Capital city (Much like Canberra or Brasilia) built in the late 1950s by Social Engineers aiming to create the archetypal "New European" town. As such no European language is official but Arabic is de facto. There are no Flemish or Balloons in Brussels but instead a menagerie of Lesbian regulators from around the continent staffing the EU's Headquarters. Allah-worshiping Africans are constantly invited to the city to populate its residential projects, keep its kebab restaurants running and clean after the bureaucrats and tourists' toilets. In honor of its Diverse population the City of Brussels, erected a statue of a pickaninny pissing on the face and future of Europe.
What to do in Brussels
What Belgians think of their own situation
The country hasn't had a functional government for decades. Michel Daerden, a French Walloon drunkard, pretty much rules the country. He is Wallonia's favorite politician, because they can relate to him. Flemings hate him shrug their shoulders and think "Wallonia", because he makes fun of their little language he is a spastic eternal drunk who is bordering Korsakoff's dementia. Nevertheless the drunken old sot ignores the fact that he carries a Dutch last name, which he wants to hear pronounced "d'Ardenne" because basically he is a closet fag. Michel Daerden is also a great author, his most famous books are the Green Book and White Book, aptly called because it seemed a good name when he was drunk, which he is pretty much all the time. In these books he explains how the deficit should be solved: selling all of Belgians deposit on empty beer and wine bottles to space of aids Africa.
Recently Belgium has broken the world record of having no government, namely 541 days (compare to the second in line, Iraq, with 249 days). Because a very fat guy who eats Walloons for breakfast (who was elected by the Flemings) and a Gay Italian Socialist (who was elected by the Walloons) can't get along, Belgium will probably continue this political stalemate for some more years. In spite of what some idiots in the country think, nobody gives a shit whether Belgium has a government or not.
In short, apart from the very 'lulzy' local politics from time to time, nothing really interesting ever happens in Belgium. Even when a political backbencher was pushed into the seat of the European President, nobody seemed to have noticed. The Belgians even had to go so far as to import the international news topics from abroad, in the form of under qualified truck drivers of the brown variety who then would go to spice up the life on the otherwise boring (but very well maintained) highways...
Later, to keep the aforementioned brown variety (and let's not forget the roving bands of European Members of Parliament that plague the capital!) under control, several specimen of the black variety were asked to come and join the country. As outstanding examples of the human race, their youngsters soon organized themselves into groups of vigilant and concerned citizens in order to keep the city safe. So far, their performance was admirably.
So all in all, it's the same as everywhere else.
The only original content comes at times when, once in a while, unexploded bombs from the first and second world war are found. Sometimes during roadworks, sometimes by a farmer when he drives his plow through one while working on the land. This fact leads to it that most farmers - and by extension everybody who lives outside the cities - are still very enthusiastic about getting 'rescued' by the Americans in WW2. They argue that at least the Germans could've done the job more efficiently and without turning the whole country into a minefield. Considering that the Germans were only fighting Belgians, this doesn't say much. Farmers don't like the bombs because you can't enjoy your freedom if there's several tons of exploded tractor lodged into your body. Also, Germans earned many bonus points by bringing in cheap labor. Thanks to the liberators, the agrarian businessmen have to search for it themselves, in countries like France, Spain and recently Poland.
This story comes full circle when they have to explain them how to avoid being killed by the aforementioned 'freedom bombs' in a degenerate version of the only common language left between them.
Recently we were able to witness a nice example of cultural marxism and crypto-islamisation in action: The Belgian cumdumpster Minister of Equal Opportunities, Joëlle Milquet, is pushing legislation that will ban stereotypical images of men and women. The law is especially targeted at the yearly motor show, where "babes" are used, the hostesses that present the cars. The spokeswoman for Milquet added that the motor show should take care that the wimmenz present are not used as objects making sammiches.
The spokeswoman for the "Institute for Equality of Women and Men" Elodie Debrumetz added that there have been a lot of complaints lately about stereotyping and the use of women as objects read: there were hoardes of sandniggers harassing the motor show girls in recent years. She added:"They are not present as saleswomen to sell the cars and there is no link with the products to be sold. To handle such cases of non-discriminatory sexism, we need a law".
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The King of the Belgians
Belgium is a monarchy, but like any modern shithole, it is run by elected politicians. The king's powers are vested in him by his prime minister since there is no god. Nobody really wanted to be king of such a shit-hole, so the people had to settle for a guy who was already rejected once for the kingship by the Greeks. In hindsight, a lucky coincidence. He is one of the few things keeping this non-country in existence. If not, Belgium would be like the former Yugoslavia by now. But still, shit nobody cares about. The reason some people still like this King is probably because they are retarded or respect him because he hits it on with many women. But still nobody gives a fuck.
The People of Belgium
Expect an overabundance of:
- Rapists
- Serial killers who secretly live next door as a calm neighbor
- 20 year old baby killers who go on a killing spree dressed as the joker
- Pedophiles
- Homosexual socialists
- Reactionary conservatives and neo-fascists
- Catholic priests with a special fondness for little children
- People who have received a lobotomy (Belgium was one of the last countries
abolishing this practice as late as the 1980sa lighter version is still being practised today) - Hairy vaginas
- Brown variety "New Belgians"
- Muslims (45% of Belgian elementary school students are Muslim, no, srsly)
On a totally unrelated note: the majority of the population consists of concerned mothers, their totally whipped husbands and their unholy offspring. It's like if an entire country would be run by republicans who think of themselves as liberals but forgot why they call themselves that. To cope with the inconsistency, they cling to certain liberal dogma's, but as soon as the shit hits the fan, they act like conservatives who wonder why nobody thinks of the children.
Stuff Belgium is known for
- Beer (also the best beer in the world)
- Waffles
- Sand Niggers
- Chocolate
- The best cyclist ever
- Legal same sex marriage
- Child Porn
- Jean-Claude Van Damme
- Made fun of by Dutch people
- Making fun of Dutch people
Stuff Belgium "did" but isn't known for
- Fighting against the Romans (most courageous Gauls according to Caesar)
- Building Castles
- [First]stock exchange
- Being Europe's Battlefield
- Inventing the Saxophone
- Electrical Dynamo
- Inventing Europe
- WTC
- New Beat music
- Excellent diplomats
- That guy who's in charge of the IOC
- Hot Tennis Women
- Breaking the world record for the longest time without an official government, previously held by Iraq
- Walloons who haven't worked for generations
- Unemployed Walloons [having >9000 kids]
nigging it upliving on the welfare money they receive for it - Having more governments than habitants
- Koko Fresh Killa
- Having loads of music festivals that go on for days
- Inventing the modern toilet bowl on which everyone [but the French] agree is the most comfortable.
Stuff Belgium thinks it should be known for
- Frenched fries
- Compromises
- Smurfs
- TinTin
- Having a homosexual prime minister
Stuff Belgium doesn't think it should be known for
- Rwanda Genocide
- Blood Diamonds
- Hosting a large Jewish population in one of their port cities
- Using Jews to cut blood diamonds
- Heart of Darkness
List of Countries That Didn't PWN Belgium
The NetherlandsEnglandSpainGermanyFranceCongo- Luxembourg
Iceland(vikings!)Russia(Waterloo)
Belgian Music
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Reasons why Flemings hate on the Walloons (and why you should too)
Wallonia is in the South of Belgium. As we all know people who live in the South are not the people you like. Everything in the South is a shithole and Wallonia is heavy-weight champion in being just that.
In Wallonia people do not work but rather live like fleas off the hard labeur of their Flemish countrymen. Although a part of the welfare money they receive on a monthly basis stays in the country because they seem to prefer our national beers to French wine, a rare departure from their usual habit of wanting to be more French than the French.
They will invariantly claim that in the past they helped build Flanders using the money from the rich industries they had before China was invented. These claims can best be compared to the afrocentrist theories of contemporary African-Americans that the ancient Egyptians were jiggaboos who somehow built advanced societies with anything other than twigs and mud.
Also, a common pastime in Wallonia is the raping of children and old ladies, usually contained in basements to honour a great Australian tradition.
Walloons won't ever learn the Flemish language and that irritates the Flemish even more since they have to funnel large amounts of money into their bottomless pit without expecting anything in return. Walloons will claim they do it because it makes the Flemish multi-dialects sort-of-Dutch even more useless than it already is. Even more so Walloons will auto-expect the other Belgians to speak French, emphasizing the hard fact that nobody cares about the Flemish language, if it even exists and that Dutch people actually adopted English as the main language for university courses for a reason. Hereby they seem to forget that they are mainly trolling themselves, and are blind for the fact that the Flemish, just like the Dutch, have indeed installed English as the main language for advanced university courses because of the importance of the English language in the modern world. There's also this little detail about the total uselessness of Dutch and Flemish altogether as those can't agree to find common ground so they have to subtitle their language to each other. Oh and yeah, nobody wants to learn Dutch. But that's totally irrelevant to this discussion.
The Walloon's fondness of the French language is made even more pathetic by the fact that the French ridicule the boarish peasant accent and ungodly pronunciation of what the Walloon assumes is the French language. Next to that they have a sheer inability to learn other languages in a decent fashion, which they try to hide by deluding themselves that today the French language is still the language of kings and diplomats even outside the African continent, and by being unwilling to accept that the English language has the highest impact factor in the world. This ultimately bars them from entering the 21st century, and in sharp contrast with their Flemish compatriots who speak mostly fluent English and who have developed a highly dynamic economy, leaves them underdeveloped and clinging to lost ideals like the most geographically Western located Eastern-European region they are.
Un petit portrait du
Wallon fruit-sec.
Turbulent,
indiscret,
inssant[sic]
insolent,
conquérant le monde,
et refesant [sic] les plans de campagne de Napoléon.
Agité,
vous disant: vous ne pensez pas ce que vous dites.
C'est surtout le Wallon qui est le caricature du Français,
et non pas le Flamand.
Souvent bancal, pied bot, ou bossu,
Les Wallons, pépinière d'avocats.
- The great French poet Charles Baudelaire, 1863
[sic] refers to the boarish pronunciation of the French language by the average Walloon
freely translated:
WALLOON.
A small portrait of the
Walloon dried fruit.
turbulent,
indiscreet,
insessant,
insolent,
conquering the world,
while denying the campaign plans of Napoleon.
agitated,
telling you: you do not think what you say.
Especially the Walloon is a caricature of the French,
and not the Flemings.
Often flawed, club-footed, or hunchbacked,
The Walloons, where lawyers are bred.
Typical Walloons in their daily activities
Reasons why Walloons hate on the Flemings (and why you should too)
Le flamin is pig hahaha. Le français is ze language supérieur.
This article is a stub due to the inability of the Walloon to speak a decent form of English and the unavailability of interwebz in Wallonia. Please help expanding it.
External Links about Belgium
Why Belgium is an artificial state but the United Kingdom, Switzerland and even Austria-Hungary are not The Terrifying TRUTH about Belgium
See Also
