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The Binghamton Tet Offensive
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On April 3, 2009 a batshit insane 41-year-old, paranoid-schizophrenic gook Jiverly Antares Voong aka (Jiverly Wong) went on a high score rampage at a center for wannabe U.S. Citizens in Binghamton, New York. The American Civic Association Building is a place that provides immigration and refugee services, including language classes. It also recently provided targets for psychotic Viet Cong sleeper agents.
The 24/7 news networks were initially all over this like white yellow on rice but - as usual - had very few details. When the smoke cleared, they reported 14 confirmed kills including Charlie, 4 injured in critical condition and 41 hostages escapees. It's reported that before his first kill, he shouted "SPESHOW JERIVERLY BITCHES." Voong self-pwnt before running out of ammo or live targets falling miserably short of Cho Seung Hui's VTech Massacre record.
The first official press conference reported 6 hours later that the as yet the Anonymous Charlie is known to the authorities and used a borrowed car to block off the back door to the building before entering the front door and shooting the receptionist. Also confirmed was that two handguns and a satchel full of ammo had been recovered among the dead who included some Chinks, Pinoys and an Iraqi woman who had moved to America to escape the violence in Baghdad.
Broken News: Crack, Ass and Dong
Three days after the killings, the USPS finally got around to delivering Wong's "suicide note", a rambling two page letter in ALL CAPS where Wong blamed his fragile mental state on the local cops, who are all alcoholics, who were apparently watching him fap at night and inappropriately touching his cock while he slept. According to Wong, they were also stealing his dong. He also accused cops of "giving me a lot of ass" and that "COP TAKE SIT IN MY HOUSE WHEN I SLEEPING. COP TAKE SIT IN MY HOUSE THIRTEEN TIME".
Police denied any wrongdoing however, local police said Mr. Wong had previously caught the attention of law enforcement officials in 1999 after they received a tip that he was planning a bank robbery and had a crack habit.
Tom Cruise was quick to point out that there is/was absolutely nothing wrong with Mr. Wong that a few vitamins and horseshoe crab couldn't fix despite a deep loathing for America and The Man.
—JWong | ||
Offenses committed by the US police department against the honorable Mr. Wong
- Giving him a lot of ass
- Counts: Unspecified
- Duration: 18 years
- Delivering groceries to California
- Counts: Unspecified
- Duration: 7 years and 8 months
- Using "Technique of ultramodern and camera" to burn chemicals in his house
- Counts: One count.
- Duration: 24 hours
- Messing with the electric appliances in his house by remote control
- Including: "Ti.Vi" (changing the channels), Fan (adjusting to make him unbreathable and make him vomit), music (connected to his ear)
- Counts: Unspecified
- Duration: Unspecified
- Spreading rumors about the honorable Mr. Wong
- Consequences: Prejudice and selfishness directed at Mr. Wong by his acquaintances, loss of job, poverty
- Counts: Unspecified
- Duration: Unspecified
- Breaking and entering Mr. Wong's room and taking a "sit" on the floor
- Counts: 13 known instances
- Duration: 13 times at midnight during the year of 1994
- Touching Mr. Wong inappropriately while he slept
- Counts: 3 known instances
- Duration: 3 times at midnight during the year of 1994
- Stealing 20 US dollars from Mr. Wong
- Counts: 1 known instance
- Duration: 1 time at midnight during the year of 1994
- Shooting Mr. Wong behind the neck with an electric gun (THAT TiME I DiD NOT KNOW ENGLiSH)
- Counts: 1 known instance
- Duration: 1 time at midnight during the year of 1994
PLEASE CONTiNUE SECOND PAGE THANK YOU.
- Attempts at vehicular homicide directed at Mr. Wong
- Counts: 32 known attempts
- Duration: From 1990 to 1995
- Knocking on Mr. Wong's door to harass and domineer him by exploiting his lack of knowledge in english (as well as spread more rumors)
- Counts: Unspecified
- Duration: From the year of 1990 to the year of 1997
- Making prank calls to Mr. Wong's house
- Counts: One known instance
- Duration: Some time between august 2007 and Mr. Wong's death
Conclusion: The entire US police departments had conspired to pull mean spirited pranks on the honorable Mr. Wong for a period of no less than 29 consecutive years including but not limited to: Harassment, breaking and entering, phone pranks, chemical warfare, attempts at murder, theft, torture, sexual harassment, slander, libel and fucking around with his household electronics using a combination of "ultramodrn" technology, abuse of authority and exploitation of his poor control of the english language resulting in poverty and emotional damage.
Verdict: GUILTY
Punishment: DEATH
I'm feering morivated!
—Jiverly Voong | ||
—Jiverly Voong | ||
The Viet Cong (not Viet Kong)
Jiverly Wong, sadly, worked at a vacuum cleaner plant as suction dummy to test the vacuum's suction power. Given his insurmountable anguish due to the pain being shared by him and his tiny wang, he decided enough was enough. He lost his job a week later and as he walked out told one of his co-workers that "American sucks!" and that he was going to go get some Lo Mein from the local "Dragon Ken" Chinese restaurant.
Apparently, Jivvy has not been to Australia before. If Jivvy had been to Australia, Jivvy would have told his co-worker how much he loves America, since being Azn in Australia is just like being a Black Muslim Jew.
The Instruments Of Holy Holiness
- A satchel (slung around his neck just like home)
- Two handguns — a 9-mm and a .45-caliber.
- The Gander Mountain gun store $15.99 value-pack of 100 9-mm bullets.
- A hunting knife.
- Body armor
The Internets Reacts
Whilst the skeletal details have yielded little to nothing of the shooters name, beefs or actual firepower, the story has already spawned 4chan's first mini-meme of the event...
—Anon | ||
...this after some /b/tard in Binghamton revealed that he had been on his way to die in that part of town but had been saved by 4chan. And you have a nice day.
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 14/20 |
| Accuracy: | 16/20 14 killed, 4 injured. |
| Style: | 14/20 FPS, Single-player |
| Butthurt: | 20/20 Deadliest mass murder in New York since 9/11. And by an AZN nontheless. |
| Bonus: | 16/20 Took students hostage before becoming An Hero. |
| Total score: 80/100 (B) | |
Wanted Level:
___________________
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___________________
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Police Force
Pictures & Videos
Pictures
See Also
External links
- Jiverly Wong's "suicide note"
- News report
- CNN iReports
- Twitter trends
#binghamptonit's spelled binghamton, faggots
The Binghamton Tet Offensive is part of a series on Education [Go To School]
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The Binghamton Tet Offensive is related to a series on AZNS. | [Herrow] |
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