Jacob Sartorius: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 17:41, 25 May 2017

"Hey, look at me everyone! I'm cool because I have abs!"

Jacob, doing what he usually does on his days off.

Jacob Sartorius is a 22 year old fuckboy who makes cringy music videos and vlogs on Youtube. The only people who actually enjoy listening to his "music" are underage girls. Like all tweens, Jacob is addicted to social media. In fact, he mentioned that social media gives him an "escape" from the real world, because of supposed bullying in real life. Rather than standing up for himself, like a strong-willed person would, he prefers to hide in his room, and use Twitter and Snapchat as his only means of communication. Because of his social media addiction and fear of leaving his home, he begged his parents into homeschooling him. Talk about having the social skills of an aspie...

In essence, Jacob is just another Justin Bieber; a teenager who began making terrible "music" (if you even call it music, as the term "music" is too generous in this context), possesses tremendous amounts of USI, and a hot-shot attitude. One can only imagine Jacob when he's 20 years old. Unlike Justin Bieber, however, Jacob Sartorius has rich parents. Well, rich adoptive parents, to be precise. So, because of his parents' wealth and connections, getting known, for Jacob, wasn't too difficult. Nothing he did to become known, was done solely by him: it was all his parents' funding. Even if his music is trash, his mere presence still makes his 12 year old fans wet, and makes them want to keep listening to his music, as a result.

The Story Begins

A faceless couple from Oklahoma was fucking around without condoms, and accidentally, in October 2002, Jakey was born. The couple, realizing their mistake, put him up for adoption. He was unwanted since the beginning. When he was adopted, he moved to some greasepit town in Virginia, where the bastard was raised. At age 7, he began "acting" in musicals, not because he wanted to, but because his parents made him.

In 2014, Mr. Sartorius discovered the world of autism where people post 6 second videos doing stupid things. Because using Vine makes you so kewl, right? Apparently, it was a Vine video about cyberbullying that went viral, and, in turn, made him famous. Later on, Sartorius began regularly uploading content to Vine, and became mildly popular on the app.

But then Jacob said "Hmmm. I'm already popular on Vine. Maybe I can become even more popular by uploading my cringy content to Musical.ly, while sporting my fuckboi haircut." And so he did. Later on, in 2014, he signed up for Musical.ly, and began making "lip sync" videos of overrated pop songs. When he's not making Musical.lys, he's making vlogs about his angsty teen life - the life of a 14 year old kid with rich parents, and few friends. Either that, or he's posting cringy shit on Snapchat. One of the two.

Bullying

It seems as though all this didn't stick to plan for Mr. Sartorius, as his "fame" made him the target of bullying. According to Wikipedia, he "had to switch schools three times" due to said bullying. This isn't to blame the bullies. Any normal person who sees this fuckboy would tell him how much of a faggot he is.

Escape From Real Life

Like most people who are addicted to social media, it provides an escape from reality, especially when ones' real life sucks so much. Sartorius is quoted by the following:

“	Before Musical.ly, I wasn’t the most outgoing. The app helped me goof off. It’s like no one is watching besides the camera.	„

Jacob has no talent. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. But when your parents are rich, and have connections, anything's possible. And Jacob is no exception.

Crying On Stream

There, there, Jacob. They didn't *really* mean what they said.

“	I'm just a KID, who sits in my room, and makes MUSICAL.LYS.	„

Looks like Jacob, here, is getting more than he bargained for. A video uploaded to Santorius' Youtube channel, dated November 21, 2016, shows Jacob reading hate mail from complete strangers online. While staring blankly at his screen, he breaks down and starts crying, proving that his self-esteem is so low, as to take goofy internet comments seriously. Seems like an internet career is too much for Jakey, as he'll collapse at the first instance of criticism.

The important part is from 0:13 to 0:56. Forget all the other crap.

Jacob Sartorius Fans

The only people who look at his shit. Mostly underage girls, who probably have wet dreams about him. His fandom is comparable to the Justin Bieber fandom, as they're vividly similar.

Feminist Attacks Jacob

The obese fan in question, who attacked him on Twitter. Do not want.

A fat Canadian Jacob Sartorius fan accuses him that he looked at her rudely, because he showed some apprehension in hugging a greasy, fat woman. Anyone would do this. Because, quite frankly, nobody likes fat people. After this greasy, fat woman in question, "Kaitlyn", posted a tweet about Jacob discriminating against her, a whole array of Twitter feminists jumped right on into the bandwagon, defending the bitch, and calling Jacob "mysogynistic". Even though Jacob, himself, didn't insult Kaitlyn at all during their meeting, she proceeded to attack him on Twitter, and even demand an apology from him. For doing nothing.

What started it all

No, fatty. He's not looking at you "rudely". He's silently saying that he doesn't want to be anywhere near your fat folds, as shown by his initial apprehension. And you're fat.

This incident proves that if you look at a feminist the wrong way, it's discrimination or "misogyny". This is common with all feminists, so this shouldn't come as a surprise.

Jacob On Snapchat

A typical Snapchat entry from Jacob Sartorius.

Jacob loves Snapchat. He loves it so much, that he uses it everyday. His "snaps" include shit no one cares about, like his new haircut, telling his fans that they're beautiful, telling his fans that he loves them, topless pictures, amongst other things that an average 22 year old would post, to look "cool" in front of his so called "friends". But the most likely reason why he uses Snapchat so much, is because he simply has nothing better to do. That, and he's addicted to it, as we've detailed above. Shown below is a gallery, depicting his "work".

No, that's the cyanide kicking in.
He must wanna get fucked badly.
Hello, anyone that cares.
Another "I'm bored. Let's take a selfie, just for the hell of it." snap.

There are thousands more, of course. But for our purposes in this article, we need only a few to prove the point: Jacob Sartorius is the epitome of cringe. Combine that with pent up teen angst, and media attention, you've got, yet another, complete nobody who's simply famous for having rich parents, and acting out in public.

External Links

Warning: only for the curious, it is strongly advised not to go here.

	Jacob Sartorius is part of a series on YouTube.
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Jacob Sartorius is part of a series on

Music

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Jacob Sartorius: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 17:41, 25 May 2017

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