Assassin's Creed

File:Needler 3.JPG

Ainsley's Creed is far more fitting.

Assassin's Creed is the 100,000th franchise to be expelled out of the corporate womb that is Ubisoft. The French-Canadians who developed this game ensured that it was warmer, steamier and a thousand times more smellier then your typical pile of crap. Credit must go to those Canadians however, because being able to produce a series whilst having a severe mental and physical disability is quite a feat.

The plot takes place three months before the end of the world, in September 2012 on the 11th anniversary of 9/11. The Jews are celebrating 11 years of glorious uprising as the FBI are still trying to gather enough evidence to legally perform a second holocaust. A bartender named Desmond is kidnapped by a corporation (most likely a self-characterization of Ubisoft) and forced into a machine that "recollects ancestral memories buried into the users DNA" because he is apparently the descendant of Jesus or some shit. Really, the entire game is a figment of Desmond's imagination, and thus anything you achieve whilst playing is automatically null and void.

Later Lucy takes you to some Assassin shithole to find your inner homosexual from the Rennaisance period. The turd you play as is the utmost definition of Guido. He bangs a chick and goes home to spam /b/ with goddamn so cash memes. Later his family is killed in front of his very eyes and yet he doesn't give a shit. He apparently thinks it's a good idea to sit back and watch the game while his family is butthurt by Fat Albert. Meanwhile in the copypasta factory, he finds his dad's Assassin outfit. Too bad it's same shit, new cape.

Characters

You shall not pass!

Sand Nigger

File:Faggot Guido.jpg

Faggot Guido

FUN FACT: Did you know real life assassins toked weed before every mission? It's goddamn true!

Desmond Miles: Descendant of Altair and Ezio. Due to heavy interracial breeding he is mostly Jewish now. Works as a bartender but is kidnapped by a corporation, who want to use him as a guinea pig and use a new invention on him known as the Animal Anus which can supposedly bring back memories from the users ancestors. Once said memories have been received, Desmond is almost killed by the people who kidnapped him, but through a deus ex machina is rescued by a mysterious woman. Why she was outside of the kitchen is beyond me. Truly, this is a very realistic game.

Altaïr Ibn La-Ahad: Dirty Arab from 1191 whose main purpose is to pickpocket and kill people. In typical Arab fashion, he loves to pick fights with people on the street just for shits and giggles. He also enjoys having heartfelt discussions with his assassination targets after slicing their necks, and the guards are polite enough not to interrupt these chats. He's the only cool protagonist of the series. Note the two dots above the letter 'i' in his name. Bastard thinks he's better then the rest of us. Fucking Arabs. It should also be noted that thanks to the Americanization of Eastern civilization, Altair has an American accent.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze: Say it nine times fast. A winner is you. Gay faggot guido from 1480. No matter where this asshole goes, he's always getting some boon. How does he do it!? Is it the fagstain he has on his lip? Only time will tell. His gay lover is Leonardo da Vinci, whom he shares passionate stares with every cutscene. Then there's the touching. Always the touching, patting, whatever you may call it. It's gay and needs to stop. Every male character in the game has at least one spank or indirect hug from Ezio. Speaking of faggot, he can't seem to remember his uncle's name, which turns out to be quite-a-surprise. Ezio has a shitty cape. Oh yeah, and he has TWO dicks instead of one. Could you imagine?

Abstergo Industries: (Pronounced "Asperger's Industries") Evil corporation that kidnapped Desmond. Serve as the main antagonist of the game. Their agenda is using the Animal Anus to find the location of Altair's Jew gold, which he buried somewhere in the heart of Israel. Deserve to be burned at the stake due to the fact that a woman was able to outsmart them and ruin their plans.

Lucy Stillman: Deserves no place in this game and really should stick to making sammiches rather then rescuing Jews from death. Notice the complete difference from the first and second game's appearance.

Rebecca Crane: I don't know why the producers think it's a good idea to keep adding more female assassins. This woman is also better off in a kitchen somewhere, making baby back ribs for me and the guys. Mmm.

Gameplay

The game borrows gameplay elements heavily from other games/franchises. These include Spider-Man (scaling walls and buildings), Street Fighter (picking random fights with people on the street), Grand Theft Auto (committing crimes and running from the police) and several others. The gameplay is also horribly repetitive, as 90% of the time you will just be tapping the x button to beat up a dirty Muslim who tried to steal your Jew gold.

The weapons at your disposal, which you may use to cut or jab through the guards' mysteriously ineffective body armor, include:

• A sword
• A knife attached to your hand
• Throwing knives
• A wrist mounted gun (I shit you not)
• Your hands

For some strange reason your legs are rendered useless when fighting, despite being heavily relied on throughout the rest of the game. Should you choose to become a criminal scum, guards will attempt to kill you rather than confiscate your stolen goods. Should you ever be zerg rushed by a group of guards you can simply pick one of them up and throw them into the rest and make a daring escape, or, just kill them all by picking out a person and countering everything he does; it's seriously not that fucking hard. Almost anything can act as a hiding spot, including the park bench. Truly, these are the cleverest AI controlled bots, seeing as how you are the only one dressed in a fucking Assassin's uniform, it must be impossible to find you (though in their defense, their uniforms were designed so that they might be mistaken for heavily armed, building-scaling monks).

If you get damaged by an enemy an unrealistic amount of blood will spray out of your body in a similar fashion to ejaculation. Not even GTA has this much bloodspray. This can happen 5-6 more times before you eventually run out of blood, and return back to the Animal Anus' lobby. Also, in the same way as earlier GTA games, you don't have the ability to swim. Something Ubisoft, the lazy bastards, first fixed in the sequel.

Sequel

A sequel (Assassin's Creed 2, how fucking original) was confirmed by Ubisoft, whereby you play as a Guido rather then an Arab/Jew. It's a slight improvement from it's predecessor, but Italians have no place in higher society, just as Arabs and Jews have no place in society at all. In this new one, you get to chillax with Dee Vinchee and fly around on his MAGICAL FUCKING BIRDWINGS or some shit. Also other Guido stuff like sing showtunes on shit boats and jizza on pizza.

Assassin's Creed 2 Characters

Ezio Auditore Da Firenze - You start off as this guido in the beginning of the game, sliding out of his mother's snatch like a slip 'n slide. Hitting the wooden floor. His father picking him up and chanting italian gibberish. You suffer from a seizure and start crying. Years later, You are a rich nigger in a bitch gang. Sayin' yo momma jokes and being an Al Pacino rip off. You get a rock thrown at you and your repressed brain damage comes back. Causing your eyes to bulge from the sockets and foam at the mouth while flailing your arms towards your enemies. After you fucked those bitches in the ass, you decide it's time to fuck some pretty whore. Then you get to your house, collect some feathers, bring letter door to door like an Italian postbitch, and just avoid the po-po. After your crack-head dad and gay brothers get captured and publicly hanged like the pieces of Italian apeshit they are, you decide it's time for some fucking revenge. Cuz your dad had a secret weed stash and some dirt old nigger robes hidden in his room, so you gotta use your "see-piss-stains-on-wall" (AKA Eagle Vision) power to find the weed and porn.

This is so fucked up.

After you dress up like a dirty Arab faggot (Just with more throwing knives and weedbags on you, and a FUCKING EPIC CAPE that doesn't do shit), you decide you're gonna stab some motherfucking fat guy. You gotta "Blend into the crowd", by just rudely pushing your way into a group of walking Italian farmers/poor faggots, and just walk along. Seriously, guards don't notice a white robe wearing guido with a fucking hoodie and a sword in his dirty hands when you walk by through a crowd of poor Italian civillians. Like, THEY WOULDN'T CARE. After you kill that fat bitch you decide to take your whore sister with Down Syndrome and your retarded mom that can't speak anymore cuz some fags raped her, to get out of the fucking city. To some fucking Villa in Central Italy. On the way there you meet those bitches you had a fuckfight with earlier, and decide to fuck their shit up. You got some weird dildo on your arm, that magically appears whenever you want it to. Then when you get to that guido Villa, your pedo Uncle Mario pops up to rape you and your family. He yells ITSA ME, MARIO trying to be funny with a refference from a Ninfucktoe game. GUESS WHICH ONE!1!11! After you drop off your whore sister and brain-dead mother, you go on to kill Templar bitches, kill innocent guards doing their job, hire whores, kill/steal from people, run around on rooftops, break every bone in your body and still be perfectly fine and just steal from tombs and chests.

Leonardo Da Vinci (Some fucking French faggot, I guess) - Yes, this assfuck is someone famous for drawing shitty things with his own spooge and puke, and make some epic flying machine that actually works. In the ancient years of 1400, sure. This guy also translates your hatemail for you, to make some weird-ass map out of it. You get to carry his sextoys, I mean art to your crackhouse and then stare at it for 2 hours, wondering why the fuck you have it in your house. This guy also makes your "hidden blades", like those things in the first game. Leonardo even scares you to shit after almost chopping your ring finger off, because the designs of those hidden dildos told him to. But then he's like NO WAIT DATS WHAT THOSE SANDNIGGERS DID BACK THEN, FUCKING FAGS, and deicdes you can keep your fingers, so you can still play with your itchy asshole whenever you want to.

Altair "some Arab/Jew shit here" - Oh looky-looky, it seems our Arab fucknut decided to enter the game after you pass out from the Animal Anus machine thing, and you have to chase some bitch into a tower. After Altair gets on the tower he decides to fuck the living hell out of the chick he was chasing, assuming that's how your family started or something. Yeah, we go from Middle-Durka-Durka to fucking Guidoville, 200 years into the future aswell. This game is a serious mindfuck.

Your crack-addicted family - Giovanni Auditore, your idiotic father that fucked your mother, which takes your baby body into his arms, running around with you like a fucking idiot, and makes you feel like a fucking idiot aswell. Luckily this faggot dies soon in the game. Maria Auditore, your stupid whore mother that went brain dead after she got raped by some picky guards. Claudia Auditore, your slut sister that takes every cock she can for 2 florins. Federico Auditore, your big brother that likes sucking your dick on saturday nights. Luckily he dies soon in the game, too. Domenico Auditore, your small brother that got fucked by your father every night. Also he likes feathers. Faggot. Oh and he gets hanged aswell.

Seems like only the whores are left, and they aren't even fuck-able. Better get 'em in the kitchen, then.

The bad guys - Mostly you get to stab the living fuck out of old, fat pedophiles and faggots. Mostly you just jump on their back and dryhump them, and slice their necks after you talked to them. The guards are even nice enough to let you finish. You even get to kill the fucking Pope, the biggest pedophile of them all. But, because God wanted a laugh he'll make you fight him to the death, he just wont die. After you try to kill this assfuck, you chase him into some fucking Vault thing and you go play Hero by taking off all your weapons and punching the Pope in the face a bazillion times. Then you have a talk with a female God thing or whatever (Why isn't she in God's kitchen?), and Ezio being all like FUCK YOU BITCH WHERE'S THE MONEY?! Then after she shuts her mouth, it was all being said to Desmond in the Animal Anus, not to our Guido Assassin.

Gallery

Gallery of Assassins About missing Pics

• 
  Altair IRL
• 
  Altair mah boi
• 
  Assassin skills can be applied to any real life situation.
• 
  Muslim rallies are a large part of gameplay.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  What would happen if the game was ported to Nintendo to suit it's casual gamer base.
• 
  Typical fat person applying his assassin skills.
• 
  He comes...
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  Ninjas are pansies.
• 
  lolwut.

See Also

• Ubisoft
• Ninjas
• Gaming

External Links

• Assassin's Creed 2
• Wikipedia for Assassin's Creed
• Assassin's Creed Wiki

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