Final Fantasy VII

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Required task to beat game. If you fail to pleasure the giant bird adequately, you lose the game and have to start from the beginning.

Pressing Cloud against metal, Sephiroth gave hardly any warning before, holyfuck no, his cock was halfway deep into Cloud's virginal body. Cloud had screamed, thrashing his body ineffectively while Sephiroth continued his short but painfully hard thrusts. But even in his daze, Cloud knew that some part of him now belonged to Sephiroth, a part that was more crucial than his dreams and aspirations. The thrusting continued to what seemed like forever, Sephiroth pumping into him while Cloud had his face buried between Sephiroth's neck and shoulders. He had concentrated on the little grunts and deep breaths Sephiroth made into his ear, trying to focus on anything besides the agonizing pain.

Released in 1997 on the Sony PlayStation, accompanied by a flood of tears from Nintendo fanboys, Final Fantasy VII is a shitty RPG that remains popular, by fantards, even today. The main objective of the game is to use your math powers to attack (subtract) your anime opponents until they die. It is roughly the equivalent of pleasuring your math professor with a broomhandle while listening to annoying Japanese synth music.

In addition to the game-play sucking, the story is even more horrible. Final Fantasy 7, as well as all other Final Fantasy games rely on cheap drama and a "deus ex machina," which is the proper term for a plot resolution that requires absolutely no set-up or skill to pull off.

The Game

A secret scene from the game.

Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the United States, it spawned a massive cult-following that continues to believe things about the game that have been categorically denied by the programmers, and are not included in the code such as resurrecting Aeris.

Fanboys of this game will stop at nothing to exalt the glories of just about everything that is contained within the three CDs that ship with their priceless commercial package. Apart from making literally over 9000 fanfics on fanfiction.net alone, there are endless sites and fanlistings about the game.

All will claim that the game is the most supremely important work of high art since "The Birth of Venus", and that it would translate well into just about any possible device of telling a narrative story. Most will claim that to enjoy the game, an above-average or higher intelligence is needed. Both can be categorically denied, given that the story is a disjointed mess of a generic save-the-world plot, told in increments of three or four lines of dialogue, no coincidence given that this is about the exact mass of information a teenage boy reared on Snickers and early-morning cartoons can take.

Despite what fanboys will tell you, the music is utterly incomparable to any work by any master writing in the Germanic tradition. It's your moderately well executed run-of-the-mill American movie-score job. FFVII fanboys can often be found fagging up the Wikipedia entry on the game, falsely thinking that anyone likely to read the article hasn't played through the game twice already.

This game marks the official start of the emo-fixation of the Final Fantasy series, focusing more and more on brooding, mysterious cry-baby characters too concerned about their own love-triangles to worry about trivial shit like insane Demi-Gods and gigantic, magical meteorites destroying their planet. They'll get to that later. It's also the first game in the series that encourages players to skip through as much of the game play as possible so that they can continue masturbating to cut-scenes.

Final Fantasy 7 are the greatest game of all times

Story

The story revolves around a badass uber-soldier with an impossibly giant sword named Cloud Strife, who is found dazed and confused at the railway station by his teenage sweetheart, Tifa Lockheart. Tifa now belongs to the Marxist environmental terrorist group known as AVALANCHE. What AVALANCHE actually stands for is never revealed in the game, but a good guess is "All Valiant Alliances Lose All Nice Convictions, Hug Earwigs."

AVALANCHE is, initially, led by Barret Wallace is composed of Tifa, two faggots with "Star Wars" names and Dumb Lesbian Slut who has always harbored secret fantasies of scissoring Tifa. They trot around Midgar blowing stuff that belongs to the Shinra Corporation (those evil capitalist bastards!) sky high. Mercifully enough, the latter three AVALANCHE members get offed violently by Shinra in the first hour of the game, after which Cloud + gang escape Midgar for the world beyond - chased by Shinra Corp.'s "Turks", a group of trained secret police who would be better put to use as doormen for your local Chinese Laundromat/opium den. From this point on, the lulz really kick into gear as Cloud's tormented past begins to resurface.

But, we digress. Back to the destruction of state property.

Aeris Gainsborough is known to hardcore fans as DEAD

Aeris' death.

Some time during the blowing-up of power plants, Cloud meets Aeris Gainsborough and develops as much of a love connection with her as an emotionally stunted Japanese man can program into a RPG, which is almost exactly equal to negative none. After she joins the party Aeris lasts about one hour of game play before she is killed during a dynamic entry - one of many - of the alpha bad-guy, Sephiroth.

Many Final Fantasy VII fans will candidly relate that they cried during the funeral scene that followed, which just shows that they have the emotional capacity of a watermelon, and the social cognizance of Nickolaus.

The story proceeds through many standard twists and turns, including a sequence in which Cloud sits around doing nothing but staring into outer space and mumbling nonsense that would make an autistic 5-year old look like a Harvard grad until it is revealed that Cloud is a HUGE fucking liar.

It turns out that he was a glorified cannon-fodder SOLDIER that served under both Sephiroth and Aeris' ex-boyfriend Zack. In a huge series of events that make shit amount of sense, Zack escapes from a lab with Cloud who's now retarded. Shortly before they make their way safely into Midgar, Zack gets the shit shot out of him by Shinra soldiers and dies.

Then Cloud, seeing Zack be all dead and stuff, takes his sword, angst for a while and then leaves him to rot in the outskirts of the city.

After seeing a weird monster from the center of the earth kill the Shinra Corporation's corrupt board of directors - or in other words, the planet acquiring Shinra through a VERY hostile takeover - and cutting time out of his not-so-busy schedule to take part in the obligatory "No one loves me" scene, Cloud then goes and confronts Sephiroth at the Northern Crater. There, Sephiroth is planning on inflicting a huge wound to the planet via "Meteor", the Black Materia. This wound will, like the opening in Art Price's picnic table, provide an avenue for Sephiroth to become one with the planet.

This makes it obvious to all but those that fell victim to the game's ability to suck out brain cells that Sephiroth's plans amount to the biggest skullfuck ever.

Sephiroth mutates into two forms in order to destroy Cloud's rag-tag band of losers. These are "Easter Island Sephiroth" and "Antichrist Sephiroth." At the very end of the battle, Cloud symbolically destroys Sephiroth by counter-attacking upon being brutally wounded, thus killing him in the faggiest way possible, unless, by some miracle, you managed to play through an unbearable amount of tedious battle sequences in one of the game's better mini-games in order to obtain Cloud's ultimate limit break: Omnislash; in which case, you will be given two seconds to make Cloud go batshit insane on Sephiroth's mommy-loving ass, which is a slightly more manly solution, but still leads into the same non-ending as the former solution.

The ending cuts as the meteor is broken apart by flowing white strands. Then we're suddenly seeing several hundred years into the future, where Red XIII gazes downward upon Midgar (which is now abandoned and covered in many forms of plant life) with his CHILDREN?! Presumably he is able to have puppies with human women, especially seeing how some creepy scientist guy tried to make him rape Aeris earlier in the game.

Or maybe, and this presents itself as a much more likely conclusion to someone who wasn't ditching science class to smoke pot when the teacher gave his lesson on genetics, the story writers of FFVII are idiots since Red XIII is supposed to be the last of his kind.

THE END.

Basically it's like watching Akira and Blade Runner fap into each other's faces for 100 hours, only gayer.

Character Development

Cloud executing his ALMIGHTY Lvl 4 Limit Break OmniSlash.

Cloud

The main hero, Cloud, is a silent emo so full of shit and self-doubt that he would make any other emo person on earth sound like an upbeat, sunshine loving hippy. When he gets two, yes, TWO hot babes totally willing to take it in the ass he treats them like utter shit, because he's got a bigger goal, to fuck Sephiroth.

Tifa

And you thought Megalixirs came from bottles.

A whore with big tits who fancies the pants off Cloud, but he's too big of an emo tit to notice, so instead angsts about Sephiroth all the time. Tifa wants Cloud to be a TRUE HERO but the story line would actually need a good writer to do anything but meander uselessly. So instead she spends the entire game pining as useless support for useless Cloud and his struggle with his inability to be useful. Eventually they bond and she takes the role as silent eyecandy just like any good Jap would and agreeing endlessly with whatever hair is currently up Cloud's ass, what a refreshing character.

Aeris/Aerith/Aerigrabharblbraphl/

Aeris kept an entourage of ugly cosplayers around to make her attractive by association.

Aeris, known as Aerith by weeaboos, is the obligatory fake princess character in the Final Fantasy 7 and possibly more famous for dying than Jesus, Micheal Jackson and Kurt Cobain put together. This evoked shock and disbelief from players whom apparently had never heard of good story line at any part in their dull, meaningless lives.

A flower girl who lives in a church (read: prostitute). Used to fuck Cloud's dead gay lover Zack, then joined him after Sephiroth stabbed her with his unnecessarily long sword. They fuck in the afterlife, as pointed out by a scene in Advent Children. The only reason Zack likes sex with her though is due to the fact that her special white materia, in addition to being able to summon Holy, can make her grow a huge cock that she fucks him with.

Many fans believe she and Tifa had a friendly rivalry over Cloud, but in actuality they were lesbian lovers with Yuffie.

Weeaboos call her "Aerith" because that's apparently how the Japanese intended it to be spelled, because it means "earth" or some crap. Even worse, Square actually now calls her Aerith as well, and also pronounce it the same way despite it actually being pronounced as "Aeris" when spoken in native Japanese.

Barret Wallace

Inspiration for Barret.

The fat ass Nigger, who is the leader of AVALANCHE, enjoys swearing and fisting the KKK up the ass with his typical Nigger gun. Barret has also been linked to the likes of Mr T. because of his highly unoriginal character design. Thanks, Tetsuyo Nomura!

Barret used to work in a mine mostly raping women and storing a huge amount of watermelons in the desert, then one day The Man came and attacked his homeland while him and his best mate were smoking crack down in one of the mines. After Barret's wife died, he finds Marlene, who was his best friend's stepdaughter. Like all niggers, he kidnaps the little white girl and takes her in as his own.

Red XIII/Nanaki/Furry

Red XIII is a fugly dog thing that can talk for some reason. We first see him as a horny dog inside a cage about to have sex with Aeris. Much to the disappointment of fellow zoophiliacs, this does not happen. It is understood that he and that supposedly Azn wannabe American Indian kid (what's-her-face) are having sex most of the time they're not playing.

Breeding with animals is not taboo in FF7's fucked up La-La land. His grandfather is a human which sort of makes you wonder what he got up to in his youth (obviously, fucking dogs). Red XIII is full of angst just like every other Final Fantasy character, but then snaps out of it after he finds out his Dad really was an hero and was turned to stone. At which point, no one cares and want it to hurry up so they can see Aeris die.

Vincent Valentine

A boring as fuck character who spent the entire game angsting about his whore of a girlfriend Lucrecia (Sephiroth's real mother). He's sort of maybe a vampire, but enough of one that makes the faggot sparkling "vampires" from Twilight look like Bela Fucking Lugosi. He was a Turk until he started pissing and moaning about Hojo farting about with Jenova cells. So Hojo made him immortal and locked him in a coffin. Well, it's definitely one way to get rid of your problems.

He is clothed permanently in the kind of gear you'd see someone in one of those faggy goth clubs wearing. He was the only character in Advent Children who didn't have a change of attire which makes him a unsexy hobo. He had his own game, FFVII: Dirge of Cerberus, which was a gigantic pile of fail for 3 reasons:

1. It played like total ass, and
2. It introduced several plot elements that you are forced to accept have existed since before FFVII, despite the fact that they are never mentioned because the original plot was never intended to integrate them.
3. It was full of blah blah blah and hardly ever shuts the fuck up. Play it for 15 hours and 10 of those are guaranteed to be dialogue and cutscenes. And not good ones.

Cid Highwind

A redneck who is at least 100 years old. Cid once planned to ride a Shinra rocket ship to outer space, however this did not happen due to his dumb cunt of an assistant. Cid's favorite hobbies are swearing, wife beating, smoking and fapping in front of his computer of porn. A true hero. Now, sit your ass down in that chair and DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!

Yuffy

16-year old who prides herself on being a Naruto fangirl and all-around weeaboo. Started wearing short shorts in a vain effort to please her incest-loving pedophile father, who thinks she has no tits and no ass. When that didn't work out, she contracted a massive case of kleptomania and began stealing everything in sight - especially Materia, which could be strung together into anal beads for dear old Daddy.

Living up to her namesake, she appears in the prequel as a child, BAWWWing at Zack because she fails. Feeling bad, Zack decides to help her find treasure because he made her cry; because he doesn't have the balls to live up to his bad ass SOLDIER namesake, and telling her to either STFU or gb2kitchen.

Being an anorexic, the ninja star that she wields for a weapon is ten times her own weight.

Cait Sith

No you can't, now go back to the bowels of kawaii oblivion.

Cait Sith is a cat robot sitting on another Moogle robot; sending him commands with a megaphone that was stolen from the locker room of the varsity cheerleading squad. The cat itself is controlled by one of the Turks, Reeve, who decides to make the game a little more confusing by implying that at least one of the robots is part sentient, even though it isn't. From the moment you find him he won't leave you alone, becoming like the annoying friend or neighbor that won't shut up, shows up at your house unannounced and eats everything in your fridge. Also, he's a spy planning on killing you and your team, but he dies, only to be resurrected by SCIENCE and continue his shenanigans.

Cait Sith does nothing even remotely interesting; half of his attacks consist of running up to someone and bopping them with his fluffy paws. The other half reveal his compulsive gambling problem, and they all suck the dick off your 80 year old grandfather.

Genesis Rhapsodos

J-Pop and FFVII: A fangirl's wet dream, and a human's worst nightmare.

A new character introduced in Crisis Core, a shitty demi-remake for the PSP that can really only be attributed to Sell-out-Enix's gayest desires to please fanboys worldwide with their 133t graphics whilst adding in some more unknown past to the original and yet-again changing the battle system for something that better resembles a driving simulator set-up) after Nomura gained creative control over the FFVII series, despite him only being an artist on the original game. Nomura's designs often seem to indicate two things: he has an indescribable and incessant fetish for zippers and belts (see: Kingdom Hearts), and he gets a massive hard-on over Gackt, an immensely shitty J-Pop singer who is so obviously gay it turns gays straight through sheer embarrassment. Nomura's boner for Gackt ended up landing FFVII in the most unimaginably gay situation; he introduced a character based on the singer, who is actually a prototype for Sephiroth or something, and totally isn't a gigantic retcon.

Sephiroth

Throughout the story this faggot keeps bitching because he can't become God for some reason.

Also known for his legions of screaming fantards. It is speculated that his hair lost all color because Summoner Yuna fapped on it.

Zack Fair

A character introduced halfway through the original game and only through a series of flashbacks. Zack was one of the few non-emo characters, and because of this went the way of Heath Ledger. He was the original user of Cloud's giant sword, was a ladies man and took Genesis to the cleaners. Cloud always angsts about not being able to live out his legacy, but he seems to have no problem stealing his shit and raping his women.

What wasn't well known about Zack was his love of CP, which is why he followed Yuffie to hell and back because he thought there would be something in it for him. However, the Shinra Army got wind of his antics and shot him dead.

The Turks

During the storyline of FFVII Cloud and gang encounter the Turks, from Shinra.

The Turks were once great people who killed off the Armenians in a lulzy genocide. However, after the genocide, they were captured by Squaresoft and were ordered to be in FFVII. The Turks were all turned into emo fucks, and were never heard from again.

The Turks use cattle prod nightsticks as weapons, which is the most genius invention since the Gunblade, except this one actually makes sense.

The characters include

• Reno: A redhead wigger with obsessive attraction to the word "Yo". He also unbuttons his shirt and flicks his collar up. 100 percent cool dude. Likes taking it in the ass from Rude, Rufus, Tseng, Cloud, Yazoo, Kadaj, Tifa, half of FFVIII and for some reason Vincent.

• Rude: A blind, bald nigger and sidekick to Reno. He uses fists, and not the cattle prod. May this lie further into his storyline? Or did he just leave it under Reno's bed? Most likely the second one, seeing as the two are never seen alone. However, Rubeus Eden has decided to transform Rude into a furry cracker.

• Tseng: The leader of the Turks or some shit. All that is known really is that he is an angst azn man with a bullet stuck right in the center of his head, and talks more on his mobile phone than a slutty dumbshit American teenage girl.

• Elena: A slutty dumbshit American teenage girl who tries incredibly hard to do her job right, when all she needs to do is just suck Tseng's cock, because the two are in a relationship or something. Also wants Tifa's over-sized tits in her face.

• Turks A-Z: Thanks to Rubeus Eden's brilliant mind, 26 Turks have been added to Shinra's roster. Each one has a codename which corresponds to a letter of the Romanic alphabet, such as "Gay" and "Loser" (srsly).

Communities

It is estimated that there are countless Final Fantasy VII related communities on LiveJournal alone, with many many more spanning the internet in its entirety. Each community, filled to the brim with nerds and fangirls, is virtually guaranteed at least one major drama per year.

Unfortunately for the majority of the time Final Fantasy VII communities are boring circle-jerks about Sephiroth that are punctuated only by a newbie discovering that Sephiroth is also the "emanations of God" in the Jew and posting this information to the community, despite it being common knowledge.

The typical contents of an FFVII related forum usually consists of

• Topics about which character is the hottest, arguments on whether Cloud wanted to fuck Aeris or Tifa, and the like.

• Fanfiction and fanart, usually of the lowest caliber (See Kurohime). Do not attempt to read these unless for the lulz. If you're looking for a good, gripping story, you're not going to find it here.

Sequels, Prequels, etc.

Lightning, from FF13, is really a man. Tell that to all the fanboys with crushes on him

Animated faggotry.

Character Cameos

Since Squaresoft knew that it was all downhill from here, they decided to whore out FF7 characters as much as possible by giving them cameos in the rest of their games till the end of time. Cloud, Aeris, Sephiroth, and the rest of the douchebags make cameos in Kingdom Hearts, Halo: The Movie, Kill Bill volume 3' and Final Fantasy Tactics. But seriously guys, no one cares.

Gallery

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  Typical random encounter
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  Secret subquest
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  summon holy they said
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  How Tifa got her boobs huge
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External Links

• The boardroom meetings' archive. (Wayback Machine Link)
• Some people take this shit too far.
• Fanboys seem to get REALLY pissed off at this.

See Also

• Aeris
• Sephiroth
• Final Fantasy Tactics
• Final Fantasy IV
• Final Fantasy VI
• Final Fantasy VIII
• Final Fantasy XI
• Kingdom Hearts
• The Moogle Cavern
• The World Ends With You
• Quest 64
• Cactuar
• Helm
• More insipid fanboyism
• Axelswife1 Notable horse-faced cosplayer
• Ondore
• Rubeus Eden
• Shinra Online

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Featured article September 9, 2006
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