Cleveland

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Looks can be deceiving... behind those shiny buildings lurks a cesspit of EPIC fail...

Considered a near mirror-image of fellow Rust Belt cesspit Detroit but lacking any past redeeming qualities or historic distinctions evar, this glittering jewel of an American metropolis lingers like a stale fart on the shores of the very filthiest (coincidence?) stretch of Lake Erie. A beautiful city with crime rates lower than any other city, it is perhaps even comparable to the lovely state of New Jersey. One wonders what sort of a place could be so utterly despicable that it could even be an embarrassment to fucking Ohio, but any such questions are quickly answered upon even a cursory examination (hell, just drive around it on the turnpike!). However, as entering or even closely approaching this abhorrent wasteland is inadvisable in the extreme, this article will attempt to spare the reader such perils by providing a distillation of relevant information regarding the origins of the disease referred to as Cleveland, its symptoms, known sufferers, and how to interact with said sufferers without contracting this particularly virulent and chronic strain of fail.

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Stephanie Roberts, Cleveland's most respected meterologist

Concise account of extended fail

How fucking filthy does a body of water have to be in order to BE ON FUCKING FIRE?!?

After omitting all the tl;dr and SNCA, there’s really not much left to tell. Cleveland’s main claim to fame for most of its history was its right-in-your-fucking-way location and corresponding role as a transportation hub. At some point they actually made steel there, but sometime last Thursday America decided it was retarded to pay more for shit made by lazy, whiny union workers when the Azns were selling fucktons of the same shit for next to nothing after making it for even closer to nothing (inexhaustible cheap labor FTW). Unable to find a cottage industry in building laughably shitty professional sports franchises, and realizing there’s not much export value in brown air, three-eyed fish or WATER THAT BURNS, the city proceeded to collapse into the unclosed pool of fail and AIDS that had always been waiting to swallow it anyway. During the 1990s, it was claimed that things were finally looking up for the Mistake on the Lake; however, this “revival” was as fleeting and ultimately illusory as Cleveland native Anne Heche’s heterosexuality, and to the surprise of few within and noone beyond city limits, it was soon time for Cleveland to gb2 the shitter where it was really the most comfortable anyway.

Entirely Authentic Informational Video!

How is it that so much win can be had depicting so much fail? Perhaps it's best not to question our good fortune, so STFU and watch the second fucking video here (I have to settle for linking you for now because youtube loves the cock.) Inhabitants Clevelanders often pride themselves on their city’s shitloads of brown people ethnic diversity. This might perhaps be excused for the simple reason that there’s FUCKING NOTHING ELSE for Cleveland to be proud of, but then one must ask the obvious question… black person considers having so fucking many brown people ethnic diversity something to be proud of? (It’s especially lulzy when you remember that they use a caricature of an ethnic stereotype as the logo of their baseball team.) But since Cleveland is full of just the black person of people who do, and some of them very well might end up reading this, we may as well pause long enough to point out the various ethnic groups unfortunate enough to call this horrendous little corner of the world home. It is worth mentioning at this point that most of the rest of Ohio is populated almost entirely by God-fearing Aryans of impeccable morality and virtues, which makes the ethnic diversity of Cleveland or any of the other islands of “civilization” amid this sea of trees, corn, and frunz somewhat relative. That aside, TOW quotes the 2000 Census describing the ethnic makeup of the city as about 51% black person (a gross underestimation), 41% white (a gross overestimation), 7% Latino and only about 2% azn (both of those are serious fucking underestimations too), and the remainder as something else (and since we’re already at 101% why the hell not?). Since precisely 73.333 (repeating, of course) percent of statistics are made up on the spot, we’ll just say that there are a lot of niggers in Cleveland. Whitebread subspecies that have not yet disappeared from this ecosystem include krauts, dagos, SPARTANS!, myriad varieties of Eastern Europeans, and no shortage of the blacks of Europe. The spics of Cleveland are mostly Puerto Ricans, but there are as always plenty of Mexicans to keep restaurant kitchens moving, Guatemalans to keep hotels and offices clean and RAGE about the Mexicans, and quite a few Dominicans since after all, somebody’s gotta bring in the drugs. Also, Arabs. Lots of Arabs; some argue they were special-ordered and shipped in to troll all the Jews that live in the southeast suburbs. And no discussion of “diversity” in Cleveland would be complete without mentioning that there is a higher population density of faggots in nearby Lakewood than in fucking San Francisco (srsly). These numbers are naturally in a constant state of flux. For example, as more and more black persons keep moving out of the city into those southeast suburbs, the heebs are pulling up their Jew-roots and hauling their noses and Jew gold further and further out – they’re practically to fucking Akron by now. Also, azns are hopping off the boat in Cleveland in hordes that would make a Zerg blush, and since they’ll pay fucking anything for properties they are taking the fuck over a sizable portion of the near East Side (see below). But if there’s one constant in the ever-shifting demographics of Cleveland, it’s black person. In fact, it has been speculated that all the other minorities (a somewhat problematic term to use since it’s fucking Cleveland) were brought there by the white man just to keep the nigras from DELETING FUCKING EVERYTHING and claiming the entire county, since spics, azns, and Arabs hate Niggers even more than they hate Jews. Regardless, we have seen just what it takes to displace blacks from an urban center in which they are the majority, so it is a fairly safe assumption that they won’t be leaving Cleveland any time soon. Neighborhoods and suburbs File:Cle map.jpg black persons not to scale In a supreme irony, the various neighborhoods within city limits and the surrounding suburbs are collectively referred to as the “greater Cleveland area”. Non-Ohioans (lucky fuckers) often include the nearby cities of Akron and Youngstown in this designation, but there is enough fail concentrated within Cuyahoga County itself that adding those shitholes in would constitute a level of overkill that truly defies comprehension. That said, for the reader’s amusement, the following is a brief listing of noteworthy geographic subunits within and orbiting just outside the event horizon of the black hole that is Cleveland: Downtown: Noone lives there. Srsly, would you want to? Home of whatever government (lulz) and most businesses (lulz) Cleveland has to offer, as well as a lively theater district and venues that house some of the most talented professional sports franchises on American soil. Roads are thoroughly impassable even by Cleveland standards. The Flats: Want to get absolutely shit-faced, pick up a cheap hooker, and know where to dump the body later and be sure nobody will even look for it there? If so, the Flats are gonna be your kinda scene! In a move worthy of the utmost lulz, the city has tried to reinvent this waterfront shithole as a legitimate entertainment district, but much like the combustible river running through the middle, they’ll never truly clean it up. Noone lives there either unless you count the drifters and winos. Chinatown: Not its real name, but who fucking cares? Actually there are almost as many Vietnamese and Cambodians as actual Chinese there, but can YOU tell them apart? Not very big, but growing fast as black person and crackas left in the vicinity flee the incoming Yellow Peril; this works out well for Cleveland’s tourism board as the area is actually much nicer now than it was under black person management. Little Italy: Hey-a, Weegee! One of the few parts of the East Side where Whitey isn’t leaving for lower-ping servers, although most of its inhabitants are dark enough that it confuses the nigras, and probably the Greeks and Arabs in the area as well. Possibly the highest concentration of quality Italian restaurants in the fucking Midwest outside of Chicago, even if half the kitchen staff is comprised of Mexicans. Situated by pricey Case Western Reserve University, where mathlete engineering majors, medical students, daddy's-money lesbians, and the leftard hellspawn of the liberal elite who didn’t have the right last name to get into Ivy League schools go. Slavic Village: As name suggests, is good place to be finding friends from old country, comrades. Or used to be; once upon a time this south Cleveland neighborhood was absolutely fucking full of Czechs and Poles but decided to open its doors to the Croatians, Serbians, Albanians, and other visually indistinguishable whiteys who had been lurking moar until that point. But their dreams of a snow-white utopia were absolutely pwnt when W accidentally the economy, kickbanning long-time residents from their homes, giving the eagerly waiting black person people a window of opportunity to move in and pollute the sacred Aryan purity of the neighborhood, and forcing Niko Belic to embark on a righteous crusade… Glenville: black persons. East Cleveland: black persons. Collinwood, Hough, Kinsman, St. Clair/Superior, Forest Hills: black person Most of the human wasteland within city limits consists of neighborhoods identified by the streets at their geographical center; e.g. West 25th St., black person, black person, and a metric fuck-ton of other numbered streets populated by black persons and spics… Brookpark: Home of the Cleveland-Hopkins International Airport, what’s left of the Ford engine plant, and OVER 9,000 STRIP CLUBS!!!oneoneone Euclid: Once upon a time, this lakeside suburb was a thriving community of European immigrants (except the fucking Irish who never thrive), but it has been in decline since last Thursday and an equal number of wagers have been placed on whether or not the black person will completely take over before the current immigrant population dies off from old age. Lakewood: It is easy to ascertain from the name of this western suburb that it is near the lake, and that its inhabitants tend to have wood. Both of these are true, as Lakewood is home to a stretch of Lake Erie shoreline and more faggots than you can shake a stick at… if that’s your thing. Cleveland Heights: Historically known for its Jewishness, this southeast suburb is also home to an inordinate number of hippies and leftards. One of its “cultural centers” is Coventry, several blocks of shops and bars on either side of a street by the same name; it tries to be San Francisco and succeeds (and thereby fails) at attracting liberals, artfags, hipsters, and scenekids. As more and more black person move in from neighboring East Cleveland and South Euclid, more and more Jews move out… and nothing of value was lost. Beachwood: Where the Jews are moving to. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, they’ve always been there. Which isn’t surprising given that this suburb further southeast is known as one of the more affluent neighborhoods in the “greater” Cleveland area – which is kind of like saying your gross national product is bigger than Haiti’s. But nothing in life is certain, and as the yellow man pushes black person out of downtown and into the suburbs, and the black man pushes the white man out of those suburbs into other suburbs, once the economic lifeblood of Beachwood starts to be drained by the current recession and/or polluted by the presence of enough black person, you can bet the Jews will be on the move again… quite possibly to where you live! Shaker Heights: Being one of the richer of the older Cleveland suburbs, Shaker Heights is full of huge old houses built back in the day specifically to be inhabited by Cleveland's high society. Those who planned the city kept this in mind, and as a consequence, everything looks the fucking same when you drive through, and you will likely get lost. This was done to keep out those who didn't belong. However, since the Civil Rights movement, a different affluent segment of society has moved in, bringing with them a desire for understanding. After their children get stabbed from going to school with too many niggers, they will all likely move into outer ring suburbs, leaving Shaker Heights to become absorbed into the festering hellhole that is quickly absorbing the other inner ring east side suburbs. They will, however, still vote for hope and change. Parma: Home to a couple radio and TV stations. Noteworthy escapees from this hellhole Drew Carey Batshit insane leftard Dennis Kucinich – seeing little green men must have been a welcome diversion from seeing so fucking many brown ones all the fucking time Astronaut and later Senator John Glenn (moar proof that there are as many Republicans in Cleveland as there are women on the Internets… HAHAHA disregard that, George Voinovich) Sam Sheppard – the IRL “Fugitive” who (srsly) didn’t pwn his preggo wife (how do I did Falcon Punch?) but got v& for it anyway. Tl;dr, not as interesting as either of the movies (The Fugitive, Shawshank Redemption) it inspired. Drew Carey Epic steroidball troll George Steinbrenner John D. Rockefeller – Uncle Moneybags himself, bitches! Srs jewbags Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, creators of Superman Drew Carey James A. Garfield, 20th President of the United States Astronaut Tom Hanks James Lovell (for whom surviving Apollo 13 must have been small potatoes compared to getting the fuck out of Cleveland) Batshit insane, lulzy-haired nigra Don King Drew Carey Old dead actor/comedian Bob Hope Old, more recently dead actor/superior human being Paul Newman Nine-Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor Slasher-flick writer Wes Craven, whose horrifying visions have most likely been inspired from having to live in such a cesspit of fail Drew Carey Every member of influential black person barbershop quartet Bone A shit-ton of actors including but not limited to lulzy black person Arsenio Hall and Steve Harvey, partial negro Terrence Howard, unfunny SNL alumna Molly Shannon, immeasurably lulzier actor Fred Willard, actor Robert Patrick (better known as the human disguise of the srsly hardcore shit-ruining T-1000), and shit actress and occasional dyke Anne Heche Also, Drew Carey. Cleveland, /cle/, and “sports” So are they offended because of the caricature or because they're being associated with Cleveland? By this point in the article, you may have asked several times why this article made it onto ED, whose stated purpose is the documentation of cultural phenomena pertaining to the Internets (also, cocks). Well, the most relevant intersection of the shitty city of Cleveland and the interbutts would have to be sp, 4chan’s sports board. This is because out of all the mountainous shitloads of fail ever to come out of the Mistake on the Lake, perhaps the lulziest examples of all are from the world of sports. This stems from the simple fact that Cleveland is home to not one, not two, but three of the most notoriously bad teams in professional sports. Perhaps the greatest concentration of fail can currently be found in the Cleveland Browns (moar liek Cleveland Clowns amirite?) of padball, although the Cleveland Indians of steroidball (who have provided plenty of lulz already thanks to all the butthurt surrounding their choice of team name) are a close second. The LeBrons Cleveland Cavaliers actually have a decent amount of talent but still manage to fail, a common and raeg-inducing trait of Cleveland teams.     “   Here's Michael at the foul line, the shot on Ehlo...good! The Bulls win! They win! They beat the Cleveland Cavaliers! Michael Jordan hits at the foul line! 101-100! 20,273 in stunned silence here in the Coliseum.   „     —Even black person loves to troll Cleveland! Like many blind devotees of fail sports teams, Clevelanders tend to overlook seemingly endless droughts and countless losing seasons, preferring to derive most of their angst and butthurt from particularly notorious moments (see also "The Drive", the 1995 World Series, "Red Right 88", the 1997 World Series, "The Fumble", "The Shot"[1], the 2007 American League Championship) when their team SHOULD HAVE WON but instead lost the game due to either abject failure at an inopportune time or simply being defeated by a superior opponent. This provides numerous opportunities for trolling not only hardcore sports fans but Clevelanders in general, and as this article later states, there are few other reliable ways to troll them OTI or IRL, so make these count.     “   And wasn't it ironic that Denver got the ball back on the 2-yard-line? Wasn't it just 1 year ago where the Broncos were on their own 2 before putting together what became 'The Drive'?   „     —But not as much as old media! Two factors compound the lulz to be found in the shittiness of Cleveland sports franchises. One is the nostalgia factor – no matter how horrendous these teams may be now, once upon a time they really were good – no, srsly! A similar and similarly lulzy point sure to come up in proximity to /cle/ posts is the fact that Cleveland has actually produced a number of good athletes – among them Olympic black person Jesse Owens, old-school handegg black person Jim Brown, more recent handegg black person Troy Smith and of course ubiquitous niggerball star LeBron James – but has failed to convert this into an acceptable number of championships in any of the sports for which they have professional teams. In fact, most of THE BEST athletes to come from Cleveland only achieve true graetness ‘’after they leave’’, (LeBron will be next) which leads us to the inevitable conclusion that the city itself must be to blame. Case in point: longtime Browns coach Bill Belichick suffered through losing season after losing season in Cleveland, but not long after leaving proceeded to pwn the world of padball with the New England Patriots – at least until that little 18-1 incident, lulz. A surefire way to induce raeg and BAWWWing on sp, be it from /cle/ or from Yankees fans (certainly both hated and trollable groups) is to point out that Yankee$ owner Jew grew up in Cleveland and suggest that the fortunes of the Yankees and the Indians might have been completely different had he ended up in possession of the Cleveland franchise rather than the New York one (which almost happened in the early 70s). Go on, try it! Additional tactics for inducing butthurt in Cleveland sports fans include but are not limited to mentioning 10-Cent Beer Night, asking if they would have traded Rocky Colavito, asking when the Cavaliers last won an NBA championship, and of course invoking the age-old rivalry with Pittsburgh. Additionally, since you're dealing with people from Ohio who have nothing else to live for, you'll probably get a lot of mileage out of the Ohio State/Michigan college handegg rivalry too! Moar Cleveland fail Cleveland is fucking filthy (Just like the nearby city of Youngstown). While logic would imply that this is a natural byproduct of the presence of so many black persons, this alone cannot account for the ability of the city’s bodies of water to sustain combustion. Al Gore would be more than happy to tell you that the deplorable condition of Cleveland’s air and water is due to ungodly emissions from the city’s numerous smokestacks; however, no one gives a shit. The point is, if we wanted to live in a place full of niggers with filthy water, we would move to Haiti. Despite shamelessly pimping itself as the “birthplace of rock-and-roll” and building a museum to prove it, Cleveland fails hard at having any sort of music scene unless you care to include a catalog of black person vocalizations that would make Jane Goodall cream her pants. Some argue that this is because talented musicians there have historically gravitated toward Detroit or Chicago, but this is hardly a valid excuse as given half the chance, any sensible human being remaining in Cleveland would GTFO faster than a black person leaving the studio before Maury can read off the results of the paternity test. While there have been numerous talented artists ‘’from’’ Cleveland, few if any willingly ‘’identify’’ themselves with it, which is why it cannot claim a true music scene of its own the way other cities can. For a city touting itself as a transportation hub, Cleveland’s transportation infrastructure is complete shit. The Romans built roads 2,000 years ago that are still in use today, but the average lifespan of a pavement surface in Cleveland seems to be about six weeks, after which time it will either take on the topography of the lunar surface or union road black person will DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING, then take their sweet fucking time repaving it. There are three orange barrels for every citizen in Cleveland (admittedly this is a ballpark figure as the drifters and winos tend to skew the numbers) – the Ohio Department of Transportation is highly successful at trolling and quite possibly the only successful anything in the state. Except of course when it comes to doing its ACTUAL FUCKING JOB of keeping roads passable. Cleveland weather is shit. There are exactly three weather conditions that can occur: COLD AS FUCK and shitting down snow a foot at a time, 95 degrees with 95% humidity and absolutely no breeze, or 40 degrees with 40mph winds blowing rain in your fucking face. Because God apparently enjoys trolling Cleveland, any two of these can take place within an hour of each other in any order and adhering to no perceptible pattern. Did you grab your umbrella on the way out? Well guess what, bitch, it’s snowing now! Did you grab a jacket and put on a sweater to ward off the chill? Surprise, fuckstick – it’s hotter out than Nancy Pelosi’s cunt when passing a spending increase! (Bonus points for making you read that and unconsciously think of Nancy Pelosi’s cunt. Twice, now!) Seriously, there is so much fucking fail in Cleveland that this list isn’t even scratching the surface. How To Troll a Clevelander Sadly, there is little point to attempting to troll a resident of this fine city. One would think, given Cleveland’s very synonymy with fail, that trolling possibilities would be endless, and the content of this article implies that there is no shortage of ammunition. However, an important thing to remember is that Clevelanders are not only Clevelanders but also Ohioans, thus the overwhelming majority of them are in fact subhuman tards and most of your attempts at wit will sail over their heads by a Shay-sized margin. Besides, Clevelanders are so accustomed to and desensitized to their city’s many failings that most will simply laugh off any attempts to mock said failings further. In fact most mocking of Cleveland is done by Clevelanders or former Clevelanders anyway. If you mock Cleveland’s horrendous infrastructure or post-apocalyptic levels of pollution, you are treading on familiar ground not worth fighting over. If you mock Cleveland’s many political and social failures, then you are trolling liberals and will only get satisfactory results from the most contentious and insecure of leftards. If you make anything but a casual observation regarding the city’s black person, said leftards will pale in comparison to the wrath of offended minorities, but you won’t be saying anything that couldn’t be said of Detroit or Pittsburgh or Gary or any other Rust Belt city. (Moreover, this approach is not advisable IRL since if you are reading and enjoying this portion of the article, you are most likely a weak, pansy-boy basement dweller and would not survive long in a physical confrontation with butthurt black persons.) But the moment you introduce sports into the equation, you have attacked the very heart and soul of all that is Cleveland and can expect enough BAWWWing to satisfy any but the most ravenous of trolls. Be sure to mention any of the incidents in the sports section above. Tell them you’re from Pittsburgh. Ask if LeBron’s been traded yet. Or remind them that the Browns can’t even beat the fucking Bengals. For bonus points, tell them what a smart business decision Art Modell made when he moved the Browns to Baltimore, preferably while wearing Ravens attire in their presence. Be prepared for epic RAEG if you go this route.     “   To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to... If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.   „     —outfielder Ichiro Suzuki speaks the truth. In closing, when attempting to extract lulz from anyone unfortunate enough to be from this most embarrassing city in one of the most embarrassing states in the Union, politically-charged trolling will meet with mixed success. Veteran goons and /b/tards OTI will get definite results going the racism route. But pointing out the immense quantities of sports fail present in the Mistake on the Lake will trigger unique and orgasmically satisfying lulz… perhaps the only thing for which you will ever thank the city of Cleveland. Niggallery Obligatory Sandwich Chef Obligatory Sandwich Chef "Red Right 88" "Red Right 88" "The Drive" "The Drive" Elway trolls Cleveland Elway trolls Cleveland The Browns would return to the AFC Championship Game a year later, hoping to redeem themselves... The Browns would return to the AFC Championship Game a year later, hoping to redeem themselves... ...and in true Cleveland fashion, failing and creating much butthurt. ...and in true Cleveland fashion, failing and creating much butthurt. A memorable moment for Chicago... A memorable moment for Chicago... ...and a source of much BAWWWing for Clevelanders... which is also memorable for Chicago. ...and a source of much BAWWWing for Clevelanders... which is also memorable for Chicago. Cleveland newspaper headline immediately before the ill-fated 1995 World Series... Cleveland newspaper headline immediately before the ill-fated 1995 World Series... Unleash this little drama bomb on /cle/ for massive butthurt... bonus points for mentioning José Mesa before they do! Unleash this little drama bomb on /cle/ for massive butthurt... bonus points for mentioning José Mesa before they do! While you're at it, get Bostonfags in on the act too... While you're at it, get Bostonfags in on the act too... Pic semi-related See Also Detroit – They’re almost indistinguishable! Toledo – Far less fail once you’ve been reading about Cleveland! Ohio – See above. INTERIOR CROCODILE ALLIGATOR (bitch he’s from Cleveland!) External links Cleveland article on TOW [2] Armchair quarterbacks agree – Cleveland sucks! [3] All three teams make this list entitled 'The Levels of Losing'