Cyclotouriste

1. Cyclotouristes are mammals. 2. Cyclotouriste uncovers secret terrorist plans ALL the time. 3. The purpose of Cyclotouriste is to flip out and kill people.

In a Nutshell

Cyclotouriste is the craziest bastard you will never meet. He came to global attention with his Lonely Planet Thorn Tree Forum post.

Entitled 'Searching Far And Wide For Cycling Companion', the OP asked for a 'good' cycling companion. Good in this case being "female, healthy, cyclist, with a sense of bold adventure, and the willingness to be compatible on an extended world tour with yours truly".

The thread quickly spiraled into abuse, flames aplenty, tales of the prediction of 9/11, more fuckwittery than could be believed, and a load o'lulz.

Cyclotouriste's interests are:

• Transcontinental bicycling
• Writing
• World travel
• Predicting Acts of Terror
• Trolling

The Thread

Searching Far And Wide

Things really kicked off with this post on Lonely Planet:

 Searching Far And Wide For Cycling Companion. 		  	  
   
 Be everything as it may, this transcontinental, international 
 cyclotouriste is navigating to locate a good companion for an 
 extended bicycling tour. Good is defined as---female, healthy,
 cyclist, with a sense of bold adventure, and the willingness to 
 be compatible on an extended world tour with yours truly.
 
 Starting time is---not any time soon.
 
 Route is---to be decided by those on tour---you and me.
 
 Length of time is---to be decided.
 
 I be fifty-three, healthy, six feet, 180 pounds, 
 good looking but nothing to get all up in the air about, blond 
 receding hair, green eyes, university grad., writer, teacher. Can work 
 in exotic locations and have done so, easy to get along with, adventurous,
 survivor, world traveler. Have bicycled thirty thousand miles through 
 nineteen countries---USA, Canada, Mexico, western Europe, eastern Europe, 
 former Soviet Union, China, south Korea.
 
 [email protected] 

This was followed by a few suggestions that Cyclotouriste was in fact a creepy internet predator, who was looking to get all Oliver Reed with an unsuspecting female.

Cyclotouriste was unhappy:

 Why the negative comments? Looking for a cycling companion of the opposite sex is 
 perfectly normal, healthy, and legal.

Another poster tried to calm down the situation, and was threatened with (unspecified) violence. Cyclotouriste's troll was going well.

At this point some fag tried to imagine what it would be like to be a 'lady cyclist', and came over all scared and that. More fuel for the fire:

 I did not ask you what you thought. Just delete it. Your answer is just too predictable. 
 Delete my membership too for that matter.

Cue the forum's undiluted scorn:

 Dude, you need to grow up.
 Have a good day.

OWNED! But Cyclotouriste knew how to fight back with an unstoppable counter.

Cyclotouriste takes a break from fighting the intarnets

Chickenshit Poltroons

 Fuck you you goddamn son of a whore. Just delete my membership. 
 Oh and let me tell you something you goddamn cowards---You 
 fucking well better KEEP hiding behind distance and anonymity 
 you chickenshit poltroons. You people are blithering, no-good, 
 chickenshit cowards. Not one of you yellow bellies would 
 dare approach me in person and interfere with me in this way. 
 I goddamn dare you to come to me face to face this way. 
 I fucking well dare you.
 
 FUCK YOU

Yes! The beauty of this post has many levels, like the video game Gauntlet. First, the sudden switch from aging cycling enthusiast to 13 year old boy really caught the saddle-huggers off guard. The linguistic verve, however, suggests an intellect at least 100 years older and wiser.

Consider the wordplay between 'chickenshit' and 'poltroon'. There isn't really any, but it sounds a bit like poultry, which is another word for chicken. Also, fried chicken has a 'yellow' belly. Amirite?

The FUCKING ANTE IS FUCKING UPPED

I AM RESPONDING APPROPRIATELY

Not wishing to be seen as a bunch of bike-loving pussies, the posters retaliated - one poster going as far as to offer his powerword and IRL address, alongside a demand that Mr Batshit 'Bring It On'. Here the thread moves to the next stage. ALL CAPS, and madness in abundance...

 I AM RESPONDING APPROPRIATELY. FUCK YOU.

Hell yes.

I PREDICTED 9/11, AUSSIE PIGS

Some wannabe Trolls may think that at only 19 posts, it's too early to pull out your trump card. That is bullshit. Cyclotouriste here goes for it full on, to devastating effect:

 And you just remember this too you bastard. I am the guy who 
 found out in detail about the plans to attack the WTC, the 
 pentagon, and the US Capitol on or around 9-11-01. 
 I have a book in the making right now, and part of it 
 is on the internet.

NUCULAR HOLOCAUST IS NOT ENOUGH:

 The fact is that even if 9-11 had been nuclear, I still would not have warned you bastards 
 well enough so that you could have done anything to prevent it.

Genial Cyclist Seeks...OH WAIT IRAQIS BEHEAD AUSSIE PIG FUCK YOU

 Hey you Aussie pigs:
 
 I suppose you have been apprised of the fact that one of your compatriots is now in the 
 hands of certain very righteous, retribution seeking people in Iraq. When will you people 
 ever learn to leave others alone? 
 You all know what will happen to him now, don't you? He will be trussed up like an animal. 
 They will slit his throat, and then let him bleed for a while, and then off comes his head.
 

Nuclear Fallout and Other Shit

Cyclotouriste created the OP on 23 April, 2005. His last post in the thread was 3 May, 2005. Post twenty. The last post to date (Oct 2006) was 28 July, 2006. Post number 269.

The Official Cyclotouriste Theme Tune

I can't seem to get this thread back on track
I'm tense and nervous and I'm under attack
I came here in good faith but you're all chickenshit liars
Don't fuck with me I'm a 9/11 scryer

Cyclotouriste
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Cyclotouriste
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

I hate people when they're chickenshit poltroons
I AM RESPONDING APPROPRIATELY. FUCK YOU

Cyclotouriste
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Cyclotouriste
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

In Conclusion

• Cyclotouriste is batshit insane.
• Cyclotouriste predicted 9/11.
• Cyclotouriste has been trolling for at least 100 years
• Cyclotouriste may just be the best damn troll you never met.

People who May Be Cyclotouriste

• John Gobin Shaw
• Berry (see external links)
• 13 year old boys
• Victor Lewis-Smith
• 50 Hitlers
• Your Mom. O RLY? YA RLY.

External Links

• The Lonely Planet Forum Post
• The batshit resume including claims to have uncovered the plot to destroy the WTC. "My international experiences are more than stated here."
• The 'less crazy' CV of John Gobin Shaw aka Cyclotouriste
• Cyclotouriste spreads the word to Teenage Fanclub

Featured article November 14, 2006
Preceded by PeppermintPatti	Cyclotouriste	Succeeded by Noone