Guild Wars

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Typical fanart.

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Hawt.

How people attain unwarranted self-importance in Guild Wars.

Healers, as you can see here, are the most common build in the game.

Guild Wars is a structured PvP MMORPG that Arenanet decided to mainly market as a casual PvE game because making these two groups play together is a good idea. To alleviate the -ness of the game, Arena-net placed a hotkey that links specifically to the Guild Wars Wiki which in turn links to PvX wiki, which when combined will remove all responsibility to form a coherent thought since there is no gameplay.

Effectively dead since the day it was released, the games PvP is now structured around a skilled playerbase of 15 people, causing guild battles to be uneven (minimum of 16 players required, unless you use bots, in which case you only need 8 people), and championship matches to contain players from the same guild on opposite sides. The company who created Guild Wars, Arena Net swears that they will keep Guild Wars servers open for as long as even one person is playing. Speaking of this eventuality as though it is a distant reality, this declaration has further proven that Arena Net is staffed by monkeys who their pants at least four times per day as they have lost control of all bodily functions and live their lives rolling round in their own feces.

The Campaigns

In an effort to force people to buy the same game 3 times, Guild wars is classed into three completely distinct campaigns, during the development of the fourth campaign, they realized that they could make more money by instead slapping together what they [[ |had]] now and releasing it as an "expansion", and then promise that they were developing a whole new game that would require the new expansion to receive bonuses, effectively making people buy two products.

• Prophecies - The first game released, originally titles Guild wars, the prophecies moniker was later added when they realized that instead of releasing free content like most MMO's, they could just repackage the game game but give it a different backdrop. The game is set primarily in the continent Kryta, which is also the name of the planet that the games are set on because they didn't have enough foresight to write in the possibility that the game would be expanded.

• Factions - The second campaign released, it added cutting edge innovations into the game including
  • Being set in a vaguely Asian continent
  • Making an Asian themed character
  • Took away all bonus objectives and instead added a time limit.
  • Playing as either a Luxon or Kurzick

• Nightfall - The third and final full campaign released, set in what appears to be a very white interpretation of Africa, the game added the ability to add heroes, which act as a customizable character that is controlled by A.I, officially removing any reason to play with other human beings.

• Eye of the North - The only true expansion to the game, having only content designed for fully leveled characters. The game is notable for adding next to nothing to the actual game, and being a huge waste of time.

Oh, and it had dungeons.

Plot

• Prophecies: Your hometown gets bombed. Then, a completely unrelated bad guy wants to take over the world, and you have to stop him.
• Factions: Some dead bad guy tries to take over the world, and you have to stop him.
• Nightfall: Some evil god tries to take over the world, and you have to stop him.
• Grind of the North: The races from 250 years in the future dropped their experience points, and you have to go pick them all up.

Classes

• Warrior - You can axe,sword,hammer fellas to death, but srsly though, you suffer from low self-esteem. Muscle-bound men in tight ass armor love you long time. Due to constant balancing patched released over the last few years this class has become effectively useless in game, which players will constantly point out to you as you play.

• Ranger - Other than the fact that you wield a bow with unlimited arrows, you can order a variety of animals to rape your enemies. If you happen to love rangers you are most likely a fag who runs around with your dick up your ass. Rangers are in fact homeless. If you happen to meet one irl (which is unlikely since you have never been outside), kick them in the nuts and see if they are able to block it.

• Elementalist - Use magical powers to kill people with fire. Also the most energetic class. When you see a naked female elementalist with a name like "Cute And Hor Ny" running around, you can always assume that, that is an actual girl is playing that character. They are the syborhoars of Guild Wars.

• Monk - Bald midgets who are always on your team (if you luv random arenas) that heals like a bitch. If you ever see more than one monk on the enemy's team, pull the plug and watch porn. If you ever have a monk on your team, quit the game and go suck a dick for it is most likely that monk will never heal your faggy ass. If you ever play a monk, be prepared by bending over and getting bitched at by teammates and enemies. But wait ! You don't always have to heal your allies, you can cast the infamous Ray Of Judgement/Jesus beam/Ion cannon or summon God's punishment on your targets and earn even more bitching by your allies. Are you running a monk in PVE? If you are then congratulations, not only are you actually wasting more time on your life than necessary, you have become the baddest bad-ass in the game.
  • Arenanet is so stupid, they named this profession "Monk", even though they are not monks, but are Clerics.

• Necromancer - By far the most fucked up of all characters, you have over 9000 sexually transmitted diseases, despite the fact that you have never been laid. You cut yourself in order to cast spells and hexes to damage your enemies. And hopefully if that actually kills someone(or something) you can insert your dick into that corpse to gain energy and make zombies(?!) or wells full of revolting shit. Necromancers are emofags very much like you who think My Chemical Romance, buttsecks and bleeding wrists are awesome. Their dresscode is so indescribable, its like fashion for transvestites. No matter how you look at Necromancers, you will picture sick fucks in your mind having shit down your eye sockets and cutting themselves while they do it.

• Mesmer - Mesmers are good looking people who wear masks to hide their identities(gayness). They operate by thinking out loud in order to screw n00bs up real good. People who play mesmers are usually veterans, so you can tell instantly that they have no life. Mesmers are really smart, for the fact that wearing a gay-ass shirt with a pair of pants(thank god), will make them impervious to all damage despite realizing that everyone is fighting a war on terror. All male mesmers have a mouthstache and a charming smile that'll make all the boys and girls want to get into their truck for free candy. Despite looking like the sexiest, and smartest whores of the sex industry, all female mesmers are traps. Female mesmers are actually big, fat, hairy men who cross-dress and are most likely furries who would gladly wear strap-ons and prey upon all their next unsuspecting victims. Players who choose this class worship two lesbian sisters lesbians.

• Space Imp - Space imps are arguably the most effective class in guild wars, and also the most popular. Utilizing a series of explosives and rocket propelled weapons the space imp is one of the most devastating ranged classes available. Male Space Imps can be recognized by there large bowler hats and propensity for rather stylish attire, while female space imps generally wear a wide variety of Victorian era dresses and can be seen applying Mercury based Makeup.

• Assassin - Narutards that can teleport and kill you with daggers. The shit part is, even though Assassins wield the tiniest weapons and weigh as much as Lindsay Lohan, they are still able you knock you the fuck down and fuck you up real good. If you ever play as an Assassin, you have a Narutard fetish, suffer from smalldick syndrome and will most likely die alone. Note that all female assassins are flat, skanky trap and male assassins are pussy deflectors. Ninjas have already earned a bad reputation thanks to Naruto and Assasins in guild wars successfully tore another orifice and made ninjas even more awesome. Albeit the Ranger, this is one of the most overplayed classes.

• Ritualist - Effeminate men or Ugly women that wear Bondage gear, they can Commune with the dead to get their help in battle. They make ghost-whores, coffins of shit to break, and STDs for your weapon so you can share the fucktardery.

If you are still as poor as fuck you might be able to afford this game Nightfall, you can play as this black person class from the rich land of Elona. But seriously, who wants to play a game full of black person in a subcontinent recently plagued by AIDS caused by Satan? Sure, you get new skills but that only concludes that you have no life and barely enough money to afford a decent game.

• Paragon - Spearchuckers that throw spears at people and shouts at people to make them fight better. No one plays this class.
• Dervish - Man-in-a-dress-wielding-a-mother-fucking-huge-sycthe. That's right, you get to wield a scythe and wear a hood which makes you cool. But in truth, despite having a scythe, you can't knock anyone the fuck down. Srsly. Makes the game ever more realistic. Despite trying to look like one bad-ass-motherfucker through that outfit which looks like a dress, you are a bedwetter,virgin,coward,luser, etc. etc..

In game store

Feeling that releasing the same product three times wasn't enough, Anet decided that the best way to extort players out of their money was to offer upgrades to the free in game services for real world cash. Such upgrades include Character slots (all three campaigns will offer you a total of 9 character slots, ten classes are available in the game) Extra storage panes (the panes you get for free are woefully inadequate for any major storage), and recently added costumes (which do absolutely nothing for your armor rating, and cost $7.00 each).

So, to have an adequate experience in the game you need to buy the following

Guild wars Trilogy- $40

Eye of the north- $30

Xunlai storage pane X5- $50

Extra character slot- $10

Total Cost- $130

Keep in mind that for the same price you could buy almost any competing developers MMO and a years game time, the competitions games getting regular content patched and fixes, while Guild wars hasn't had any new content in 2 years. Yeah, this game is free to play.

How to Win at Guild Wars

Literally everything you need to know about Guild Wars is summed up in this video.

Common Beliefs Among GW Players

• All GW players think that PvXwiki is ruining the game and/or destroying player creativity. In reality, fanboys just can't handle that their "epic original buildz" aren't epic and totally suck compared to the builds on PvX Wiki and they never could have thought of a good or creative build in their lives if it weren't for the above mentioned websites.
• GW players think that the first campaign, "Prophesies" was derepicwin (HAHAHA DISREGARD THE FACT THAT I SUCK COCKS, nobody likes Prophecies) and that all things which came after it and every addition to gameplay has ruined the game. Unfortunately, this is true, and is why WoW dominates Guild Wars in every way imaginable.
• Most noobs who PvP think they are the shit. However, these players have never actually been anywhere but Random Arenas, an arena where emos and fags use PvX builds they didn't think of against each other. None of them have ever done "high level" PvP, which is basically the same thing, but you pick which emos and fags you hang out with. In this regard, Guild Wars is like MySpace.
• All bad pvpers think PvP is balanced, even though there are 1-hit-kills, skills that make you disconnect for 4 seconds, and skills that even apply temporary bans. The average bleeding woman is more balanced than PvP in Build Wars. Some fans (such as Shard) have even listed literally pages upon pages of reasons why PvP sucks. Walls on talk pages of most skills usually contain like 50 retards arguing about who has a bigger epeen.
• GW players fervently believe that GW's graphics and art design totally pwn WoW's bitch ass. Unfortunately, this is true. However, in the interest of trolling you should NEVER admit this. If trolling about the graphics, try to concede just a little so that the GW fanboy will think he can win you over to his side and then start reminding him of how WoW trumps GW in every other way imaginable. Flame wars ensue.
• GW players once believed guns would "ruin the atmosphere" of GW2 before guns were officially stated as being in the game (they probably still hate this idea btw, but they'll never admit it). They fervently tried to show that the presence of magic totally negated any logical need for guns in the game. They went to extreme lengths to try and explain the cannons, powder kegs, and "blackpowder mines" already present by claiming the cannons shot lightning, the powder kegs actually contained "magical powder" not gunpowder, and then trying to forget that blackpowder mines existed. Even stranger is that the Charr, the most barbaric and least-technological race in the plot, becomes the first and only race to possess guns, an advanced technology. Guild Wars makes sense.
• GW players often think that GW is better than RuneScape when in fact, it is NOT.

Problems with Guild Wars

• Despite what fanboys will tell you, there is no strategy involved in playing. Being successful at Guild Wars involved looking up a build at GuildWarsWiki or PvXwiki. Turns out, the aforementioned comment is exactly what most fanboys will tell you to make themselves sound 1337, but all of them still use those sites anyway because GW has a uselessly complex array of over 1200 skills which are impossible to manage without them.
• The game is a bitch to play unless you have every campaign and expansion aren't poor. give all your money to retards.
• Setting up a party is like trying to convince the pope God doesn't exist.
• Everything you do is so that you can kill moar things. Therefore, if MMOs were to be 20-year-old women, Guild Wars would be a loli. Okay so maybe that's what every MMO is like.
• All female characters in the game are totally hot chicks in real life.
• The PVE plot is always the same: you start off as a noob, grind and help people, see shit happening, fail to solve the problem, fight demons and douchebags, and end losing to an Anonymous wannabe. Unfortunately, GW plotlines are still fucking Lord of the Rings compared to just about every other MMO on the market (including LotR Online). This isn't a good thing.

• Players of Guild Wars will constantly compare Guild Wars to World Of Warcraft and complain about how Guild Wars is better even though the only reason they can recite is monthly fees.

Unicode Support

Guild Wars has full unicode support. Therefore, creating guild names and spamming local with alt+021325 is highly suggested, to make sure the Jews know their place. The swastika is an Eastern religious symbol dumbshit. Unicode doesn't offer a 45 degree swastika. HAHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

Gaile Gray

A community manager for Guild Wars who looks like a horse, srsly. She is also known as Whale Gray because her weight is OVER 9000, and also Faile Gray for obvious reasons. She also seems to throw temper tantrums on community websites when people complain about the shitty balance changes made to the game. She is no longer the community manager and has stepped down, but the amount of people to give a shit is really none.

While s/he was community manager, s/he mastered the art of spewing out endless bullshit and lying at every opportunity. To date, every statement s/he has ever made has been a lie, but narutards and ugly fat chicks still believe everything s/he says.¹

Gaile Fatass is now Support Liason and uses her GM powers to ban whoever she wants from the game at any time. Her banhammer powers even extend into the official Guild Wars Wiki, which fails more than the game. She also helps two ass pirates named White Wasabi and Fall avoid bans in return for sucking her dick and kissing her asses. Since she took over support, Gaile converted ArenaNet into a Nazi training camp which perma-bans players for simply logging in.

¹It is unknown whether or not Gaile is male or female. She has boobs that hang to the floor, but also has a dick for white wasabi to suck on. To be safe, refer to Gaile as "it".

Guild Wars 2

Arenanet announced Guild Wars 2 a while ago:

Guild Wars 2 will be the same as Guild Wars with a few exceptions:

• You can jump.
• You have one slave instead of 3 heroes. This feature has reportedly been removed.
• You can jump.
• You can play as multiple, original races, including charr, white black person called Norn, Asura, and some things that were born from a tree.
• You can jump.
• It's a WoW clone
• It is slated for release in 2019

In addition, gracious owners of base Guild Wars will be entitled to exchange their years worth of wasting lives over claiming 'achievements' for some useless GW2 titles that don't affect gameplay or make your character better in any way.

Guild Wars vs World of Warcraft

There are a few notable differences between Guild Wars and World of Warcraft:

1. World of Warcraft doesn't suck ass.
2. People actually play World of Warcraft.
3. RuneScape is actually better than both of these. In all departments.

Typical Guild Wars player

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Grouping

The grouping system in Guild Wars is totally awesome, but nobody uses it because saying LFG in chat is easier. Actually, JewNet ripped off Diablo 2's grouping system. Towns are actually Chat Rooms, and once you enter an area with your 8 man MMORPG team, nobody else can come with you.

Most guilds in guild wars are filled with so many stupid shitters, they run overpowered PvE skills and still lose at the first mob. This is because Guild Wars features technology that makes you stupid due to prolonged exposure. If Guild Wars was a Mario Bros game, most guilds wouldn't be smart enough to find the start button.

A typical workaround of playing with other dumbshit players is to hire Prostitutes to Rape the enemies for you while you Fap. The second advantage of using this strategy is that when Anet gives their fail servers Buttsecks and kick everybody out of the game, your heroes blow everything the fuck up, and in the rare chance the game lets you reconnect, you can Jew.

Speed Clears

People who have spent the past five years of life pursuing in-game wealth, which is inversely proportional to their IRL wealth, create highly efficient team builds to thoughtlessly ass rape high-level PvE areas; the most notable example is the Underworld, a place home to insects with a white wasabi sheen (smite crawlers), which shit precious purple globs that cause most players to say "gz!" when such a prize drops. However, in reality, they have a deep hatred for this person and probably hope for an IRL swell butt-rape from Hoodboytails. Temple of the Ages is the center for the deployment of these SC builds; this is evidenced by the party window being filled with "EXP SoS LFG UWSC HM! (experienced slurper of semen lost fugly girlfriend unwittingly while sucking cock, help me!)

Title Maxers

Like any true MMO, Guild Wars has titles that can be gained by grinding the game into the dirt with a minimum of 1000 hours, such as being drunk for 10,000 minutes, standing on lucky rings for over 300 hours, and grinding the same dungeon over and over until your cock falls off, which is a good thing for anet since their servers are running more while its a F2P game.

One could possibly have more fun reading the bible cover to cover than trying to get these shitty achievements. These people have no lives.

Whenever a player is in a major town, the names of players that have never had sex show up in chat, stating that they have wasted their lives gaining a title that does nothing.

An easy way to troll these basement dwellers is to pm them and tell them to go outside, get laid, or get a life.

Trolling Tips

1. Go to http://www.guildwarsguru.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=213

2. Start New Thread

3. Copypasta this:

[build prof=Warrior/Elementalist][Glyph of Essence][Frenzy][Eviscerate][Executioner's Strike][Phoenix][Rush][Lion's Comfort][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Warrior/Elementalist][Glyph of Essence][Frenzy][Backbreaker][Crushing Blow][Phoenix][Rush][Lion's Comfort][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Mesmer/Monk][Echo][Arcane Echo][Arcane Mimicry][Arcane Thievery][Arcane Larceny][Diversion][Power Drain][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Mesmer/Monk][Echo][Arcane Echo][Arcane Mimicry][Arcane Thievery][Arcane Larceny][Diversion][Power Drain][Resurrection Chant][/build] [build prof=Ranger/Mesmer][Apply Poison][Archer's Signet][Concussion Shot][Distracting Shot][Pin Down][Hunter's Shot][Troll Unguent][Dryder's Defenses][/build] [build prof=Assassin/Monk][Shadow Form][Deadly Paradox][Heart of Shadow][Dismiss Condition][Infuse Health][Gift of Health][Signet of Rejuvenation][Signet of Devotion][/build] [build prof=Assassin/Monk][Shadow Form][Deadly Paradox][Heart of Shadow][Dismiss Condition][Infuse Health][Gift of Health][Signet of Rejuvenation][Remove Hex][/build] [build prof=Warrior/Necromancer][Sever Artery][Gash][Distracting Blow][Sprint][Riposte][Deadly Riposte][Healing Signet][Grenth's Balance][/build]

or this:

[build prof=Dervish/Monk][Onslaught][Rending Aura][Rending Sweep][Rending Touch][Sand Shards][Shield of Force][Signet of Mystic Speed][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Elementalist/Necromancer][Glimmering Mark][Glyph of Lesser Energy][Glyph of Restoration][Glyph of Sacrifice][Glyph of Swiftness][Grasping Earth][Ice Prison][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Mesmer/Paragon][Visions of Regret][Ancestor's Visage][Aneurysm][Arcane Conundrum][Arcane Echo][Arcane Larceny][Arcane Mimicry][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Monk/Ranger][Peace and Harmony][Purge Signet][Purifying Veil][Rebirth][Release Enchantments][Remove Hex][Renew Life][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Necromancer/Assassin][Contagion][Dark Bond][Dark Fury][Dark Pact][Death Nova][Deathly Chill][Deathly Swarm][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Paragon/Dervish][Focused Anger][Hasty Refrain][Hexbreaker Aria][Holy Spear][Inspirational Speech][Leader's Comfort][Leader's Zeal][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Ranger/Elementalist][Burning Arrow][Charm Animal][Choking Gas][Comfort Animal][Companionship][Concussion Shot][Conflagration][Resurrection Signet][/build] [build prof=Assassin/Mesmer][Flashing Blades][Golden Fox Strike][Golden Lotus Strike][Golden Phoenix Strike][Heart of Shadow][Horns of the Ox][Impale][Resurrection Signet][/build]

4. Explain why it's good

5. Flame users who criticize

6. Get banned!

7. ?????

8. PROFIT!

• • Alternative trolling method**:

1. Make a build centered around nothing but keeping yourself alive via self heals, teleports, and resurrecting people.

2. Go to Random arena

3. Force matches to go on for as long as possible. Refer to the following Jewtube for an example of this in action.

4. Bask in the glory of other player's butthurt.

In-game trolling tips

Before you read the further notes, one clarification should be made: Since Guild Wars players are usually leftovers discouraged from buying World of Warcraft by the monthly fee which they cannot afford, entire community has already fallen into state of permanent internal trolling, complete with periods of total obliviousness. For that reason, extracting lulz from trolling in-game community proves to be harder than in other MMORPG games since the players are fully capable of trolling themselves on a daily basis.

Chat trolling:

• Usual occasion for this type of entertainment relies on the flow of inexperienced/new players. You can find these lying around all over Pre-searing Ascalon(GW Prophecies), Shing-Jea monastery(GW Factions) and Kamadan(Nightfall). Sole action of honest commenting on retarded posts should be enough to ignite a shitstorm.
• Pre-Searing Ascalon, due to its detached and hermetic nature, is full of players who prefer to remain in that one place forever as it is the only place where they can actually get anyone to talk with them. For that reason this section of Guild Wars resembles a forum, only this time cybersex receives graphic dimension. Use your knowledge gained upon trolling usual forums. Same effect, only enriched with a 3D hint on what your casual trolling might be causing on the other side of tubes.
• Visit American districts and unleash any topic regarding religion and politics.
• Spam trade chat. As it is usually the only way for most people to sell their shit, this action makes people unhappy as their advertisements are kicked out of the chat box.
• Claim that you want to buy an armor from other player. As soon as such claim gets stated, people all over the area will shit themselves while trying to educate you on how buying armor is completely irrational (GW armor binds on the player for whom it was crafted), in effect becoming vulnerable for usual chat trolling techniques.
• Remind them that the only reason for their presence in this game is their inability to afford World of Warcraft.
• Find crowded areas and spam that you are selling a super rare item for less than 1 plat. When everyone trips over themselves trying to trade you, walk away and watch the angry butthurt reactions.

Team trolling:

• While on mission, pay attention to the minimap. It is useful to determine the location of enemy, as well as drawing marks such as further route. Now use your awesome MS-paint art skills and draw some meaningless shit on the minimap! For maximum effect try to scribble all over it up to the point of making entire map impossible to read. Bonus points if it becomes the only reason for failing entire mission. A fucking 8-year-old noob wrote that. These people LOVE IT when you mess with the mini map. IT MAKES THEIR FUCKING DAY! These people can't get enough of that shit. Don't even bother.
• Do everything that disables people from claiming elite skills from fallen bosses (players will usually inform the team that they want to claim this or that skill while on mission).\
• Go to Random Arenas on a necro. Bring Aura of the Lich (It spawns skeletons out of thin air) and Illusion of Weakness. When you get a group, summon your minions, then kill yourself and watch your minions kill your team. Call them noobs for dying before the gates even open. Here is an example.

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