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Bad Vlad: Difference between revisions
imported>Dandranella |
imported>Teratology A few minor edits. Added a little text. Added 2 pics. Very good article. |
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[[file:PootItInPootinsPooper.jpg|180px|thumb|right|He knows you're reading this. He'll know if you try to edit anything. He will carefully read your changes.]] | [[file:PootItInPootinsPooper.jpg|180px|thumb|right|He '''knows''' you're reading this. He'll know if you '''try to edit''' anything. He will carefully '''read your changes'''. Expect him.]] | ||
<center>'''FUCK YEAH!!1!1! PUTIN BALLOT-STUFFED BACK TO THE PRESIDENCY IN 2012!!1!1!'''</center> | |||
'''Vladimir Vladislaus Vladimirovich "Vlad" Putinovich Pootis Putin''' is the President and former secret President/[[Wikileaks|Alpha Dog]] of China's hat, a paradise of billionaires, natural gas pipelines, sentient [[botnet]]s, and black market cesium known as [[Russia]]. He is that country's leading advocate for the legalization of [[Communism]] and [[Microsoft|global domination]]. In [[2012]], he officially became Russia's Imperial [[Roman Empire|Czar]] in a bid to continue the [[YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG|modernization]] of the Russian political system begun under [[Vodka|Boris Yeltsin]]. He is further notable as the world's first known [[vampire]] head of state. | |||
==Biography== | ==Biography== | ||
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Vlad was born in [[Mother Russia]], lives in [[Mother Russia]], and breathes [[your mom|Mother Russia]]. | Vlad was born in [[Mother Russia]], lives in [[Mother Russia]], and breathes [[your mom|Mother Russia]]. | ||
Upon popping out of | Upon popping out of Mother Russia's womb, he went to work as a loyal subject of the Czar. Accomplishments include founding the [[Grammar Nazi|Okhrana]] and personally authoring ''[[Truth|The Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]'' in 1903, initiating Russia's pogroms against the Jew menace, introducing Lenin to Marxism, and then orchestrating the USSR's rise and collapse for his own benefit. In 1945 he personally led the Soviet charge into Berlin, and the Wall was his idea; he'd have single-handedly shot down the Airlift if he hadn't also surreptitiously pushed the USA to develop the Marshall Plan with his legions of KGB bots in the [http://www.whitehouse.gov Whitehouse]. Finally in 1999, with the stage set at last, he seized power from the [[Drunk|unconscious]] Boris Yeltsin and has been consolidating his position as [[Peter|God-Emperor]] ever since. | ||
His main impediment to absolute power is chess nerd Garry Kasparov, who insists on standing against him in "elections. | His main impediment to absolute power is chess nerd Garry Kasparov, who insists on standing against him in "elections". In retaliation Putin has put his KGB minions to work building a [[Apple|supercomputer]] for Kasparov to run against in the future. So far they have only succeeded in creating a prototype, the [[Dongcopter]]. | ||
==Badassery== | ==Badassery== | ||
[[image:putin120.jpg|thumb|left|180px|| I'm staying 'till I'm 120. Problem?!]] | |||
[[file:Putin 1.jpg|thumb|At first I was like...]] | [[file:Putin 1.jpg|thumb|At first I was like...]] | ||
[[file:Putin 2.jpg|thumb|But then I was like...]] | [[file:Putin 2.jpg|thumb|But then I was like...]] | ||
| Line 22: | Line 27: | ||
Vladimir Putin took time out of his busy schedule as Autocrat of all the Russias to [[headshot]] a tiger which was attempting to eat a TV crew. [http://news.aol.com/article/putin-saves-tv-crew-from-siberian-tiger/154687 No, seriously.] Hopefully, it was a [[furry|furfag]] dressed up as a tiger who intended to yiff some Russians but instead got a well-deserved KGBeatdown. Regardless, it just goes to show how much more of a badass Vladdie is than [[Julia Gillard|the]] [[Barack Obama|pussies]] [[George Bush|who]] [[David Cameron|run]] [[Gordon Brown|your]] [[Kevin Rudd|countries]]. | Vladimir Putin took time out of his busy schedule as Autocrat of all the Russias to [[headshot]] a tiger which was attempting to eat a TV crew. [http://news.aol.com/article/putin-saves-tv-crew-from-siberian-tiger/154687 No, seriously.] Hopefully, it was a [[furry|furfag]] dressed up as a tiger who intended to yiff some Russians but instead got a well-deserved KGBeatdown. Regardless, it just goes to show how much more of a badass Vladdie is than [[Julia Gillard|the]] [[Barack Obama|pussies]] [[George Bush|who]] [[David Cameron|run]] [[Gordon Brown|your]] [[Kevin Rudd|countries]]. | ||
Not only can Vladdie pwn [[tiger]]s, he breaks it down [[42|57]]% [[unwarranted self importance|more efficiently]] than any other world leader in known history. [[Common knowledge|Of course]] [[some argue]] that anyone could kill a tiger with a [[Doom|huge assault rifle]] and | Not only can Vladdie pwn [[tiger]]s, he breaks it down [[42|57]]% [[unwarranted self importance|more efficiently]] than any other world leader in known history. [[Common knowledge|Of course]] [[some argue]] that anyone could kill a sedated tiger with a [[Doom|huge assault rifle]] and more than 9000 KGB agents at his disposal during a [http://news.yahoo.com/putins-famous-encounter-tigress-questioned-122020828.html staged photo shoot.] | ||
On [[Polish Lollercaust|April 10, 2010]], Putin finally attained the oft-coveted ''[[Saudi Arabia|Decapitator]]'' achievement, doing so by using a strategic and patriotic Russian tree to kill the government of Poland ([[Narnia|Aslan]] Maskhadov didn't count because Chechnya is [[Taiwan|not a country]]). He finally considers himself the equal of [[George W. Bush]], who has held the achievement since [[Saddam Hussein|2003]]. | On [[Polish Lollercaust|April 10, 2010]], Putin finally attained the oft-coveted ''[[Saudi Arabia|Decapitator]]'' achievement, doing so by using a strategic and patriotic Russian tree to kill the government of Poland ([[Narnia|Aslan]] Maskhadov didn't count because Chechnya is [[Taiwan|not a country]]). He finally considers himself the equal of [[George W. Bush]], who has held the achievement since [[Saddam Hussein|2003]]. | ||
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===[[God|Immortality]]=== | ===[[God|Immortality]]=== | ||
Putin, in a fit of [[badass|completely warranted badassery]] during one of his meetings with [[Italy]]'s visiting [[pussy|PM]], responded to the claim that | Putin, in a fit of [[badass|completely warranted badassery]] during one of his meetings with [[Italy]]'s visiting 'Bongo Bongo' [[pussy|PM]], responded to the claim that "presidents don't live forever" by stating that he's '''perfectly capable of living over 120 years as President.''' During the [[stalin|silence]] that suddenly filled the Kremlin's press conference hall following this official statement, he [[Brawl|announced]] his intention to [[win|run for office]] at the end of [[Sockpuppet|Dmitri Medvedev]]'s reign in 2012. | ||
Putin won the presidency again in 2012, [[cock|firmly]] [[goatse|entrenching]] him as the god-ruler of Russia for the forseeable future. | Putin won the presidency again in 2012, [[cock|firmly]] [[goatse|entrenching]] him as the god-ruler of Russia for the forseeable future. | ||
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[[file:Putin nashi.jpg|thumb|That's right, have no fear; Mega-Putin will watch over all his children.]] | [[file:Putin nashi.jpg|thumb|That's right, have no fear; Mega-Putin will watch over all his children.]] | ||
Nashi are a protofascist youth-based personality [[cult]] full of Putin's brainwashed minions. Engendered by Putin's profound lack of brownshirts with which to keep an unruly populace in check (lest they [[Ukraine|Color]] [[Georgia|Revolution]] his ass with [[America]]n [[Conspiracy|help]]), he employed his hypnotic gaze and created this youth movement. They enjoy marching about, singing songs about Putin, wearing clothes with Putin on them, unfurling massive banners depicting Putin, and intimidating anyone who displays a suspicious love of chess. They claim to hate skinheads but actually recruit them, and have a deep, visceral loathing for [[Estonia]]. Their leadership encourages them to resort to violence to resolve ideological incongruity; fittingly their headquarters were [[Win|burnt to the ground]] by [[Leftard|Antifa]]. | Nashi are a protofascist youth-based personality [[cult]] full of Putin's brainwashed minions. Engendered by Putin's profound lack of brownshirts with which to keep an unruly populace in check (lest they [[Ukraine|Color]] [[Georgia|Revolution]] his ass with [[America]]n [[Conspiracy|help]]), he employed his hypnotic gaze and created this youth movement. They enjoy marching about, singing songs about Putin, wearing clothes with Putin on them, unfurling massive banners depicting Putin, and intimidating anyone who displays a suspicious love of chess. They claim to hate skinheads but actually recruit them, and have a deep, visceral loathing for [[Estonia]] and [[Georgia]]. Their leadership encourages them to resort to violence to resolve ideological incongruity; fittingly their headquarters were [[Win|burnt to the ground]] by [[Leftard|Antifa]]. | ||
The word Nashi (наши) translates to "ours," referring to the group's stated aim of providing for "our own" first. While this is foremost a tired political [[cliché]], it is also a clear Russian manifestation of a widespread crypto-xenophobia they share with more than a [[Arizona|few]] [[Tea Party|other]] [[BNP|assholes]] around the world. | The word Nashi (наши) translates to "ours," referring to the group's stated aim of providing for "our own" first. While this is foremost a tired political [[cliché]], it is also a clear Russian manifestation of a widespread crypto-xenophobia they share with more than a [[Arizona|few]] [[Tea Party|other]] [[BNP|assholes]] around the world. | ||
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You don't actually have to be [http://capitolhub.com/video/7528/alexander-litvinenko-accuses-putin-politkovskayas-murder a journalist criticizing Putin] to get thoroughly [[pwn]]ed by The Evil Vlad. It's enough to simply talk shit about Teh Vlad to bring his wrath upon you, and it [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6180068.stm ''will'' reach you], whoever and wherever you are. So, unless the concept of [http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2006/12/01/large_litvinenko/print.html shitting and pissing out your intestines between howls of agony], or [http://www.siberianlight.net/2005/10/24/khodorkovsky-sent-to-prison-in-siberia-plans-to-complete-phd/ relaxing in the warmth of the Siberian sun] appeals to you, anyone editing this page - you've been fucking warned! | You don't actually have to be [http://capitolhub.com/video/7528/alexander-litvinenko-accuses-putin-politkovskayas-murder a journalist criticizing Putin] to get thoroughly [[pwn]]ed by The Evil Vlad. It's enough to simply talk shit about Teh Vlad to bring his wrath upon you, and it [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6180068.stm ''will'' reach you], whoever and wherever you are. So, unless the concept of [http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2006/12/01/large_litvinenko/print.html shitting and pissing out your intestines between howls of agony], or [http://www.siberianlight.net/2005/10/24/khodorkovsky-sent-to-prison-in-siberia-plans-to-complete-phd/ relaxing in the warmth of the Siberian sun] appeals to you, anyone editing this page - you've been fucking warned! | ||
<!-- Srsly, Vlad DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING CHANGED or else he will Polonium-210 you and your family while you sleep! --> | |||
==Russian Spy Ring== | ==Russian Spy Ring== | ||
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* His surname loosely translates as "[[Gg|way to go]]." | * His surname loosely translates as "[[Gg|way to go]]." | ||
* Putin controls Rasputin's zombie with his [[Dungeons and Dragons|aura of negative energy]]. | * Putin controls Rasputin's zombie with his [[Dungeons and Dragons|aura of negative energy]]. | ||
* Vlad's surname has the same sound as ''poutine'', which is a crappy mess of fat food from [[ | * Vlad's surname has the same sound as ''poutine'', which is a crappy mess of fat food from [[Quebec]]. | ||
==Putin [[Cash]]== | ==Putin [[Cash]]== | ||
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Hey World Leaders, | Hey World Leaders, | ||
My name is Vladimir, and I'm better than every single one of you. All of your peoples are fat, retarded, | My name is Vladimir, and I'm better than every single one of you. All of your peoples are fat, retarded, asspies who spend every second of their day working in the service industry and fighting wars over oil. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever worked for the KGB? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of the Russian Federation's people because of your countries' pitifully inadequate natural resources, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than terrorist activity in Chechnya. | ||
Don't be a democracy. Just submit to the Russian bear. I'm pretty much perfect. I was President of Russia for two terms, | Don't be a democracy. Just submit to the Russian bear. I'm pretty much perfect. I was President of Russia for two terms, Prime Minister of Russia for one term and I'm still completely in control. What offices have you held, other than "[[David Cameron|puppet leader]] of [[Israel|51st state of America]]"? I also get unanimous support from my own people, and have an averagely hot wife (she just blew me; but my mistresses are much better at that). You are all failures who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening. | ||
Pic Related: It's me and my wife. | Pic Related: It's me and my wife. | ||
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file:Putin_is_gay.jpg|Putin is <strike>not</strike> [[gay]]. | file:Putin_is_gay.jpg|Putin is <strike>not</strike> [[gay]]. | ||
file:Putinbush.jpg| Putin & Bush | file:Putinbush.jpg| Putin & Bush | ||
file:Putin and wife.jpg| A rare appearance of Ms. Putin. | |||
</gallery>}} | </gallery>}} | ||
</center> | </center> | ||
Revision as of 03:54, 13 April 2013
Vladimir Vladislaus Vladimirovich "Vlad" Putinovich Pootis Putin is the President and former secret President/Alpha Dog of China's hat, a paradise of billionaires, natural gas pipelines, sentient botnets, and black market cesium known as Russia. He is that country's leading advocate for the legalization of Communism and global domination. In 2012, he officially became Russia's Imperial Czar in a bid to continue the modernization of the Russian political system begun under Boris Yeltsin. He is further notable as the world's first known vampire head of state.
Biography
Vlad was born in Mother Russia, lives in Mother Russia, and breathes Mother Russia.
Upon popping out of Mother Russia's womb, he went to work as a loyal subject of the Czar. Accomplishments include founding the Okhrana and personally authoring The Protocols of the Elders of Zion in 1903, initiating Russia's pogroms against the Jew menace, introducing Lenin to Marxism, and then orchestrating the USSR's rise and collapse for his own benefit. In 1945 he personally led the Soviet charge into Berlin, and the Wall was his idea; he'd have single-handedly shot down the Airlift if he hadn't also surreptitiously pushed the USA to develop the Marshall Plan with his legions of KGB bots in the Whitehouse. Finally in 1999, with the stage set at last, he seized power from the unconscious Boris Yeltsin and has been consolidating his position as God-Emperor ever since.
His main impediment to absolute power is chess nerd Garry Kasparov, who insists on standing against him in "elections". In retaliation Putin has put his KGB minions to work building a supercomputer for Kasparov to run against in the future. So far they have only succeeded in creating a prototype, the Dongcopter.
Badassery
Vladimir Putin took time out of his busy schedule as Autocrat of all the Russias to headshot a tiger which was attempting to eat a TV crew. No, seriously. Hopefully, it was a furfag dressed up as a tiger who intended to yiff some Russians but instead got a well-deserved KGBeatdown. Regardless, it just goes to show how much more of a badass Vladdie is than the pussies who run your countries.
Not only can Vladdie pwn tigers, he breaks it down 57% more efficiently than any other world leader in known history. Of course some argue that anyone could kill a sedated tiger with a huge assault rifle and more than 9000 KGB agents at his disposal during a staged photo shoot.
On April 10, 2010, Putin finally attained the oft-coveted Decapitator achievement, doing so by using a strategic and patriotic Russian tree to kill the government of Poland (Aslan Maskhadov didn't count because Chechnya is not a country). He finally considers himself the equal of George W. Bush, who has held the achievement since 2003.
Immortality
Putin, in a fit of completely warranted badassery during one of his meetings with Italy's visiting 'Bongo Bongo' PM, responded to the claim that "presidents don't live forever" by stating that he's perfectly capable of living over 120 years as President. During the silence that suddenly filled the Kremlin's press conference hall following this official statement, he announced his intention to run for office at the end of Dmitri Medvedev's reign in 2012.
Putin won the presidency again in 2012, firmly entrenching him as the god-ruler of Russia for the forseeable future.
Videos
In 2000 Larry King asked Vlad WTF really happened with the Kursk submarine. Putin replied, with a sarcastic smile, «Она утонула» - "It sunk." His answer made Captain Obvious burst with envy.
Previous Video | Next Video |
Nashi
Nashi are a protofascist youth-based personality cult full of Putin's brainwashed minions. Engendered by Putin's profound lack of brownshirts with which to keep an unruly populace in check (lest they Color Revolution his ass with American help), he employed his hypnotic gaze and created this youth movement. They enjoy marching about, singing songs about Putin, wearing clothes with Putin on them, unfurling massive banners depicting Putin, and intimidating anyone who displays a suspicious love of chess. They claim to hate skinheads but actually recruit them, and have a deep, visceral loathing for Estonia and Georgia. Their leadership encourages them to resort to violence to resolve ideological incongruity; fittingly their headquarters were burnt to the ground by Antifa.
The word Nashi (наши) translates to "ours," referring to the group's stated aim of providing for "our own" first. While this is foremost a tired political cliché, it is also a clear Russian manifestation of a widespread crypto-xenophobia they share with more than a few other assholes around the world.
Hatred of journalists and anyone else who disses Vlad
A total of 47 journalists have been killed in Russia since 1992 for talking shit about Putin.
You don't actually have to be a journalist criticizing Putin to get thoroughly pwned by The Evil Vlad. It's enough to simply talk shit about Teh Vlad to bring his wrath upon you, and it will reach you, whoever and wherever you are. So, unless the concept of shitting and pissing out your intestines between howls of agony, or relaxing in the warmth of the Siberian sun appeals to you, anyone editing this page - you've been fucking warned!
Russian Spy Ring
Moar info: Anna Chapman.
Upon the unfortunate foiling of Russia's ten-year attempt to steal the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices and the exact recipe for Coke Classic, the spies were sent home in the post-Cold War era's biggest single spy swap. Putin welcomed them home with tears in his eyes, longing for his days as a secret warrior, rhapsodizing about their "tough lives," and sitting down for an old-fashioned patriotic singalong. He then congratulated spy Anya Kushchenko on her number of Facebook friends and referred obliquely to the completion of Phase One.
Pedophilia
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 |
Trivia
- Measurements: 33-25-35
- According to his 1998 PLAYGIRL Magazine interview, in his youth, Putin posed nude for an artist, who carved a statue of him that was placed in a public spot in Miami. After the interview appeared, people from Miami searched for the statue in vain.
- Once ate 14 hot dogs in one sitting.
- Putin declared chess illegal in Russia just to spite Garry Kasparov.
- During his presidency, he managed to humiliate George Bush on a number of occasions. This indicated Russian supremacy over Americans (of which Bush himself is ready evidence).
- Putin wrote and controls the Storm Botnet, which he uses to spam penis-enlargement ads and 419 scams all across the tubes for great lulz.
- Has a black belt in judo, was a judo champion in St. Petersburg, and last Thursday he released an instructional judo DVD.
- His average dinner consists of a can of whoop-ass and a glass of vodka.
- Vladimir Putin has a secret offshore fortune of 40 billion dollars. He is the richest man in Europe.[1]
- He is also the fastest politician in the world, reaching speeds of up to 250 kilometers per hour.[2]
- His surname loosely translates as "way to go."
- Putin controls Rasputin's zombie with his aura of negative energy.
- Vlad's surname has the same sound as poutine, which is a crappy mess of fat food from Quebec.
Putin Cash
Hey World Leaders,
My name is Vladimir, and I'm better than every single one of you. All of your peoples are fat, retarded, asspies who spend every second of their day working in the service industry and fighting wars over oil. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever worked for the KGB? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of the Russian Federation's people because of your countries' pitifully inadequate natural resources, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than terrorist activity in Chechnya.
Don't be a democracy. Just submit to the Russian bear. I'm pretty much perfect. I was President of Russia for two terms, Prime Minister of Russia for one term and I'm still completely in control. What offices have you held, other than "puppet leader of 51st state of America"? I also get unanimous support from my own people, and have an averagely hot wife (she just blew me; but my mistresses are much better at that). You are all failures who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my wife.
Why is Putin a Crab?
"Why is Putin a crab?" (почему Путин краб) is an inexplicable meme developed among the backwards Rs and rabid nationalism of the inscrutable Russian internets, resulting in, well, animated shoops of the premier's smiling face grafted onto a crab and frequently running creepily across a beach or seabed. Hilarious, right? This kind of humor apparently fucking tickles the Russians to death, though, as the question is Russian Google's first autocomplete suggestion after typing the word "почему" (why) - no word yet as to how far down the list are questions like "why hasn't Putin been investigated for tax evasion?" or "why does Putin get to invent new government posts to circumvent term limits?" - more proof that Russians certainly have their priorities straight.
Like other memes, this one had a mundane genesis when Putin stated in 2008 he'd been "work[ing] like a galley slave" (tip: rabotal, kak rab na galere) during his latest stint as President, and some Russian basement dwellers somehow failed at their own moon language and misheard "slave" (rus. "Раб") as "crab." (rus."Краб"). Because, you know, those galley crabs are a real thing and that completely makes sense.
Quotes
—Multiple parties, one leader. | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Gallery
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What, you thought he was exempt from 34? -
What'll we do tomorrow Bad Vlad?
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Putin always relevant. -
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-
Camhorsky -
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Pwning Georgia. -
How does Medvedev suck Putin's cock? -
Vlad kicked ass during the Battle of Hastings. -
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Putin and his boss. -
Just look at what she's wearing. -
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Fuckin' otaku. -
Still a weeaboo. Prove me wrong. -
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-
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Putin's profile pic on guyswithiphones.com -
They really do put his face on everything. -
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Putin isnotgay. -
Putin & Bush -
A rare appearance of Ms. Putin.
See also
- Anna Chapman
- Communism
- Dongcopter
- Georgia
- In Soviet Russia
- Leave Bond to me
- Polish Lollercaust
- Russia
- South Ossetia
- Ukraine
- Упячка
External Links
- VLADIMIR PUTIN ACTION COMICS
- Uncomfortable Moments with Putin
- Putin Tank YTMND Site
- Confused by Internet, Putin accidentally Rule 34s self.
- Bad Vlad is so badass he shoots a tiger to save a news crew.
- Bad Vlad is so badass he... hires an ABBA cover band.
- RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN
- Bad Vlad and his moleskine
- Putin vs Obama
| Featured article March 06 and 07, 2012 | ||
| Preceded by Wales |
Bad Vlad | Succeeded by Sabu |