Mark Twain

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Mark Twain shown with his retarded clone

Mark Twains typical reaction to Heroin

All you need to know.

Mark Twain was a master troll, paid to weekly troll an audience eager to hear the wonders of the non-American world. He traveled around the world making up whatever shit he damn well pleased, getting trashed at every port. He later settled down and began writing novels, all of which were heavily edited by his wife, and so are boring, preachy pieces of shit. He is also the author of the great American novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which thanks to rampant postmodernism has been misinterpreted to oppose slavery and racism, as opposed to condoning it as Twain intended.

Early Life

Twain was born in Hannibal, Missouri, and grew up captaining steamships, the 1800's equivalent to piloting airplanes. Twain quickly grew bored with conveying hundreds of souls safely up and down a treacherous river, and so with virtually no body of work and no real qualifications, he convinced a newspaper to pay for his fare around the world, ostensibly to document his travels. He quickly grew bored with this, and for the next year proceeded to go wherever the fuck he wanted, routinely drink lethal amounts of alcohol, and fuck any woman whose vagina was not sewn shut. When it came time for an article to be sent back to the paper, he just made all sorts of shit up and threw in a few ethnic stereotypes for good measure. These dispatches were eagerly anticipated by his rabid fans, unknowingly becoming fans of lulz in their infancy.

Latter Days

In what is a death knell for any dramatician, Mark Twain was seduced and trapped into marriage by an ugly succubus. Sure enough, his ugly bitch wife kept him from smoking in his own house, nagged him to eliminate profanity from his writing, and encouraged his investment in numerous boondoggle projects which bankrupted him. His writing from this period is a muted and castrated shadow of it's former self. During this time he also adopted a decidedly anti-lulz approach to race relations. There is no debate as to where these views came from.

Luckily, in 1893, a friend of Twain's introduced him to robber baron H.H. Rogers. Known as "Hell Hound" on Wall Street, Rogers was fucking ruthless when it came to doing business; this was a man who had an all-out drama war with John D. Rockefeller. Rogers helped manage Twain's financial fuck-ups, and the two became fast friends. They were known for enjoying mild profanity, practical jokes, and poker. Twain liked to steal things from Rogers' house, including some books, Rogers' slippers, and a ham.

Mark Twain Today

Quoting Mark Twain is one of the surest ways to betray your utter lack of anything approaching sentience. The quote being offered to bolster a faltering argument is almost always from a character of Twain's who share few if any traits with Twain himself, failing even to make an intelligible argument from authority. Even were the quoter to somehow stumble upon a quote that actually represented Twain's feelings, they are still quoting a bankrupt boat captain nigger lover, and so are automatically wrong.

Mark Twain also lent his namesake to a strain of pot. A lulzy move would be to write a paper on the pot strain instead of the author, and preserve comments for posterity. Also, if you take educational advice from this website, you deserve to be expelled anyway.