Hockey

A typical Hockey circlejerk.

How To Win A Fight In Hockey

Hockey, or Thugs On Ice is a recognized, contact sport played on a rock hard sheet of ice while using shoes with blades strapped on the bottom to glide at high speeds. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of vulcanized rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth.

Though the National Hockey League (NHL) is played in both Canada and America, every player is either Canadian, Swedish, or from some north/eastern European country (even the black one). It should be noted that there are as many Norwegian players in the League as there are girls on the internet. This is possibly due to the fact that Norwegians are more concerned with burning down churches or shooting up young leftards for teh lulz. Hockey is also Canada's national pastime, (and -as such- is the leading cause of Canadians being called "Hockey Pucks").

Meanwhile, in America (except for the Northeastern and Northern Midwest states), hockey is the official sport of shit nobody cares about. This was demonstrated to effectively during the strike-canceled season of a year nobody can remember when nobody noticed that nobody was playing or reporting about hockey. This season will likely be a repeat, as Gary Bettman is a Jew.

In actuality

How hockey is really played.

Hockey players are noted yaoi fetishists.

Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are Cindy Crosby, then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a stick) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth.

The rules of Hockey

An "Official"

hehe

• Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try not to beat them while in a fight.
• Don't fake an injury/tripping too often, you'll be called a faggot.
• After each call a face-off will be had at any 9 locations on the "rink".
• Goalies should be rammed into head-first at any given opportunity. If you knock them into the "cage", extra points are awarded to your team. If you hit Cryan Miller, he will call you a gutless bag of shit postgame. Ram him again.
• Most games end in something called "Sudden Death", where the score continues, and will end, 0-0.
• Helmets are to be worn at all times, should you get a razor-sharp skate to the head it will cushion the blow.

The game itself has 3 periods, each lasting a regulated twenty minutes. Should a stalemate be reached, Overtime will commence. Should a stalemate continue, a shootout will take place.

Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a Jew or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death.

The Teams

Each city is just as big on their own team, like any other sport. However, some teams are quite important:

• Monroeville Zombies
• San Jose Sharks, if only for the lulz.
• Pittsburgh Penguins - Cindy Crosby the Stagediver provides a reason to hate them. Other famous players include Evgeni Malkin, Mario Lemieux, and Jaromir Jagr, who is currently playing for the Bruins.
• Toronto Maple Leafs - They're the team who hasn't won a Stanley Cup in the longest time. Their last one was in 1967. Thus they are the biggest failures in the sport. There are 11 teams who have never won a Stanley at all. After many years, they finally made it to the playoffs in 2013, where they took the Boston Bruins to Game 7 where they were leading 4-1. That is, until the Broons scored three goals in the last 9 minutes of the third period, tying the game and scoring in overtime to win. (No srsly)
• Tampa Bay Lightning - Their GM Steve Yzerman is notorious for having a penchant for eating babies.
• Columbus Blue Jackets - Worst team in the NHL 2 years in a row. Bigger failures than Toronto, at least the Leafs make the playoffs. Also just traded their only All-Star, Rick Nash, to the New York Rangers. Also, their city was supposed to host a Winter Classic, but couldn't due to the 2012-2013 lockout.
• Vancouver Canucks - Similar to the Toronto, except that they haven't won a Stanley Cup AT ALL. Their fans riot whenever they lose a Stanley Cup Final. They did it in '94 too.

Full List

• New Joysee Devils
• Jew York Fishsticks
• Jew York Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers
• Philadelphia Cryers
• Shitsburgh Pengwhines, sponsored by Heinz
• Bahston Boohooins
• Buffalo Slugs
• Ottawa (Not good enough to have) Dany Heatleys
• Toronto Maple Queefs
• Winnipeg Regrets
• Carolina Tornadoes
• Florida Pussy(cat)s
• Tampon Gay Frightning
• Washington Crapitals
• Chicago Blackcocks
• Columbus Jew Blacktits
• Detroit (earn your) Red Wings
• Nashville Sexual Predators
• St. Louis Jews
• Calgary Flamers
• Colorado Snow
• Edmonton Coilers
• Minnesota Manbearpigs
• Vancouver "I Don't Give a Fuck" Cansucks
• Anaheim Dicks
• Dallas Starfish
• Los Angeles Drag Queens
• Phoenix Too Hot for Hockey
• San Jose Gringos
• Montreal Cuntadiens

Fun Moments in Hockey History

Half-time Juggling/Fighting act

Typical fans start young

• Alexei Cherepanov collapsing on the bench, Died

• Ulf Samuelson high sticking Pierre Mondou, Mondou died

• Trent McCleary Puck to throat, died

• Clint Malarchuk Skate blade to throat, died[1]

• Kevin Stevens getting knocked unconscious mid-air and hitting the ice face first, coma but recovered[2]

• Berard taking a puck in the eye, nearly went blind.

• Pat Stapleton, Borge Salming, faces skated on, survived

	“	Fuck you asshole, have a fist full of CANADIAN FURY!	„
	—A Toronto Mapleleaf

Did you say Furry?

Fun For the Fans Too: Part 1

Fun For the Fans Too: Part 2

Blood and Gore: Part 1

Blood and Gore: Part 2

Sportsmanship

Everyone fall on him

How it's played: 3 fights in a row

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See Also

• Bulletball - A table hockey like sport, but no equipment is used aside from a ball.
• Canada
• Cindy Crosby - Probably the greatest faggiest ever
• Golf - Not a sport, but relevant
• Handegg - Another Americanized sport, often called Football.
• Michigan- Where people fap to hockey.
• Soccer - Similar to hockey, but no sticks are used and the playing field is made of grass.
• Windsor - Every Hockey player ever is from there. That's Minnesota or Burnaby, dumbfuck.

External Links

• TOW's take on Hockey
• Plenty of easily trollable idiots here
• Some pretty lol moments in Hockey
• More lulzy moments

Featured article June 26 & 27, 2013
Preceded by Paula Deen	Hockey	Succeeded by Buttsecks