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Porsche Girl: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 09:10, 19 February 2024
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Nicole "Nikki" Catsouras (a.k.a. Porsche Girl, Nearly Headless Nikki and The Headless Porschewoman of Lake Forest California) was an 18-year-old whore who proved, yet again, that women can't drive. On Halloween 2006, Nikki decided to steal her father's $150,000 Porsche 911 and take it for a drive; she was later found deader than fuck with traces of cocaine in her system. According to her mother, Nikki had an inoperable brain tumor that caused her to have a severe psychotic reaction to the drug, resulting in her hitting another car and subsequently barrel rolling into a concrete tollbooth at approximately 100 mph. In typical emo "no one understands me" drama, she became one with a toll booth on highway 241, her head smashed to bits. Concerned internet citizens rushed to inform the family.
Legends say that Nikki's restless spirit still travels the roads of California in the form of a modern Dullahan driving a ghostly Phantom Porsche and often asks toll booth attendants if they'd be willing to give her head and/or cocaine.
Nikki Lives!!
—Christos Catsouras, BAWWWWW | ||
However, two California Highway Patrol investigators, Aaron Reich and Thomas O'Donnell, leaked the photos which naturally were posted to the internet. O'Donnell claimed that he only emailed the photos to himself for viewing at a later time, while Reich admitted to sending the photos to four people. "Internet hackers," quite possibly under the influence of steroids, immediately started sending the pictures to as many of Nikki's friends and relatives as possible. Some of these messages even arrived during her funeral. Ironically, Nikki was actually going to college to study photography. What a twist of fate!
Nikki's parents have blown $3,000 on hiring Reputation Defender in a successful attempt to waste $3,000. However, they are to date unsuccessful in their attempt to remove all copies of the fappable pics of their daughter from the internets. Don't they know that if it's on the internet, it never goes away? Dumbasses.
On May 14, 2009, in an attempt to milk even moar money out of the Catsourasses, Reputation Defender set up a web site called "A Tribute To Nikki Catsouras", that asked people to report all instances of the post-crash pics of Nikki, and requests that any one who has a web site with the images to "Please Remove These Photos From Your Web Site." No word on how many ED admins passed out laughing at said request. As of February, 2012, Reputation Defender redirected the Nikki Catsouras "tribute" to their own website.
Some admins were, however, willing to consider it, in exchange for pix of Catsouras daughter tits (which is very fair by internet standards). Their offers were refused.
— Richard C. Mongler, supportnikki.org Guestbook |
GTFO N00bs
According to multiple news sources, the Catsourasses (or at least those who still have faces) no longer use the internet. Nikki's parents have pulled their living daughter from school because they fear other students might confront her with the pictures. Anonymous has taken their actions as a challenge, and plans to erect a billboard bearing the images outside the girl's bedroom window.
There is also a campaign to start geocaching at her burial site, located in Pacific View Memorial Park, Corona Del Mar, CA.
KA-CHING!
Shocked and Appalled, Nikki's parents concluded that a good lolsuit would put an end to the harassment. They filed a lolsuit against the state for "emotional and punitive damages"; discounting the cost of the written-off Porsche, a replacement Porsche, and the overall cost of raising their daughter, that comes to about $19 million in profit. The lolsuit is currently pending dismissed. appealed. remanded settled for $2.37 million dollars.
Standard White Knightery
—A white knight defending a dead girl he wants to fuck | ||
Porsche Girl: The Book
You see, after Nikki's untimely death, her mother, Lesli Catsouras, began writing an epic novel with the aim of turning her daughter's misadventure into a New York Times bestseller. After almost half a decade of doodling around in her notebook, she finally decided to release the long awaited thriller along with a promotional website.
Take a look at an archived version of the site here.
Some bonus materials in the book include samples of quotes from some of the lulziest trolls at the beginning of each chapter.
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Rare picture of Nikki loling at this article -
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Viewing the site in third person
A Selection of Cool Quotes
Previous Quote | Next Quote | |||||
UH-OH! It's not canon?
Based on a rather unfavorable review of the book, it seems that Lesli's account of Nikki may be more of a fanfic than a biography.
So Christos is actually Nikki's step-dad? Whaaaat?
In an incredible turn of events, we learn that Nicole Ellise Catsouras was actually born as Nicole Ellise Mayo. A Wikipedia user confirms this information in one of his edits to her article and claims that that is indeed the name printed on her death certificate. The more you know! Why the Catsourases chose to airbrush out the Mayos from the Porsche Girl franchise is still a mystery though. Maybe they wanted to spare them from the trolling? Who knows.
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Porsche Girl: The Movie?
Not really. Nikki's family clearly loves attention though, as they appeared for five minutes in this documentary, "Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World," on the tenth year anniversary of her death. They went from Dr. Phil to the big screen. Impressive! If you'd like, you can watch it for free on Tubi and Plex right now. They appear around the 28 minute mark. Hey, Elon Musk is in it too!
—Lesli Catsouras | ||
2021: Still in the News?
We reached 2021. COVID has ripped our world apart. ED has died and was revived via necromancy for the 1,000th time. And somehow, the Catsourases are still relevant. In their latest cameo appearance, they insert themselves into the Kobe Bryant helicopter crash arc, hoping to ally themselves with Vanessa Bryant who is fighting to keep the Basketball-American's death photos from being leaked online. Perhaps the Catsourases believed that if they could get a famous figure like Ms. Bryant on their side, they could finally get their "Right to be forgotten" law in the bag. Three years later though, and nothing seems to have come from it.
Moral of teh story
Concrete > Car
Drug > Booze
Dead Daughter = $$$
Our anon friends have conjured a magical formula to... produce heroine!
Cocaine + Driving = Heroine
Booze + Driving = Also Hero
So if you don't want to be ze Hero, don't do drugs kids! You cannot get vaginas if you are deader than fuck!
Legal Disclaimer: Meme status and cash is not guaranteed upon death.
Gallery
Before
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Oh nooes my head is going to hit this wall -
Graduating from driver's ed -
Nikki's Jew family. -
As close as you can get without your eyes watering -
I can get closer -
Her mugshot from an alternate timeline where she got arrested for reckless driving
.jpg)
After
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The aftermath of a barrel roll. -
How do I crashed Porsche?
Answer: Hopped up on coke -
I just took an ounce of cocaine, dare me to drive? -
You can clearly see the tumor here -
Lucky officer given the honor of picking Nikki's skull out of the pavement. -
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The person she hit before quitting irl -
The sniper's POV -
If /b/tards had had their way, the memorial would have looked something like this.
The Internet Reacts
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The brutal aftermath -
Reputation Defender advertisement -
PREPARE THE SACRIFICE -
Video Gallery
- Some retard tried to contact her ghost
Previous Video | Next Video
Crash Simulations
- A high quality reconstruction of the event
Previous Video | Next Video
See also
External Links
- Nikki Catsouras on TOW
- The Catsouras' BAWWWW to Forbes about having to spend $3,000 on Reputation Defender
- Obituary
- Case stemming from leak of grisly crash photos moves ahead
- Nikki Catsouras at Find a Grave
deadnikki 
(archive) Some dumbfuck from this site made a fake Twitter account- The Kobe Connection
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Porsche Girl is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |
| Porsche Girl is part of a series on Dying Alone
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| Featured article January 23 & 24, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by The Great ED Civil War of 2018 |
Porsche Girl | Succeeded by Chelsea Manning |