Maine

Maine, colloquially referred to as the bastard step-child of Massachusetts, is inhabited almost entirely by lobsters. The few humans willing to reside there are known as the Southerners of the North. Maine is home to dead cows, flannel jackets and Portland, a small city not to be confused with Portland.

Maine is as cold and icy as a Maine woman's vagoo in the winter and wicked fucking hot in the summer. There is little point to visit Maine unless you are hankering to become the subject of Stephen King's next book.

Maine Economy

Maine's chief export is Lobster, shipped to fine restaurants across the world to give food poisoning to the socially elite. Lobster is followed closely by blueberries, potatos, and frogs.

The bulk of Maine revenue is generated from disability payments.

Maine Natives

	“	Where does that road go?	„
	—Tourist

	“	That road? That road don't go nowheah, stays right theah.	„
	—Old Man from Pet Cemetary

Mainers feel a strong urge to promote and continue their backward lifestyle. The average driveway contains six rusted cars as any more would be showing off. Mainers eschew the merits of large cities, believing them to be full of criminals constantly gang-raping innocent passerby. Thus, most have never left the safe confines of the state.

While most Mainers despise tourists, they will never show it. Second only to government checks, tourism is Maine's primary business, as people from other states flock to see a third-world country in their own backyard.

As the average Maine family has never had enough money to own a slave, the colored population is among the lowest in America.

Regions of Maine

East Maine is a mythical land near Canada where surnames peak at 5 and they hate Indians. Down East Mainers have the thickest, most disturbing of Mainer accents, bordering on the intelligibility of Alabama.

Eastern and Central Maine have some of the best banjo playing north of the Mason-Dixon, so grab your corporate buddies, head up to the river, and get in some fly fishing. Don't worry about that toothless redneck, he's there to make sure you are safe.

Central Maine has a higher sex offender count than major cities like Boston and New York, a side effect of the cracked leather skin Mainers inherit on their 14th birthday, rendering them additionally unattractive.

A large influx of Somali refugees in Southern Maine prompted many of the Maine Natives to worry that the lazy refugees might cut into their hard-earned food stamps and social security benefits. Many refugees left immediately upon arrival to find greener pastures, while others remained since they had found the one place in America that felt like home.

Anon guarantees your safety.

The Maine Accent

The most common mistaken assumption people make when going to Maine is that the accent is like that of Massachusetts. They are wrong. The Maine accent has more swearing and the vocabulary level of a seven year old. Throw in a lack of vowel pronunciation equivalent to a deaf child and you'll get the hang of it.

Maine is home to a number of colloquialisms deriving from their inability to describe common objects within their limited range, much like the Orwellian newspeak of 1984. "Front yard" or "lawn" becomes "dooryard." A "purse" or "handbag" becomes a "pocketbook."

Using proper pronunciation or words longer than three syllables will make you sound like a faggot and you will receive a proper course in Maine etiquette.

Casino

Bangor now has a casino. It is not an actual Casino of course, because Maine couldn't possibly allow poker or roulette or other actual table games to be played, but it has slot machines.

Unlike in other regions, Indian tribes have not been allowed any slot machines or a casino in the state. While many would have you believe this an example of racism, the truth is that the Indians would spend most of their money on alcohol and jenkem.

Many feared the birth of gambling in Maine, believing it would lead to further evils like electricity or even work.

	“	I'm sorry, but I think Hollywood slots is a bad idea for Maine. It draws the wrong type of crowds, it causes addiction problems for some, it does not help poor families who need to save their money rather then hope they win a big game. Right now people are struggling just to buy gas for their car and food, the last thing we need right now is a slot business. I'm ashamed we have this in our area now. To me, it is not part of Maine history or what we'd hope to convey to tourists. :(	„
	—Kaylan of Corinna, ME

Politics in Maine

There is an old adage oft repeated, "As Maine goes, so goes the nation." This is wrong. Nobody cares about Maine, but like the average camwhore, it continues to believe itself important.

Maine has a history of electing troll politicians, beginning with Ed Muskie and most recently, Paul LePage. After beating the woman and the jew, LePage was given the ability to lead the state into a new era of lulz.

LePage ran on a platform of cutting budgets, beating gays, and promoting fireworks. Upon taking office, he righteously refused to meet with the NAACP, followed quickly by disregarding chemical warnings, leading to massive butthurt.

	“	From what I've heard, that's a little like estrogen. So worst case, women will grow little beards.	„
	—Paul LePage, on traps

His shenanigans managed to briefly thrust Maine into the national limelight it had so long craved, only to discover that like Chris-chan before them, sometimes it is better to remain anonymous.

Be Like A Mainer

• Say wicked in front of every word, for example: "Daddy just got his wicked penis and raped me up good."
• Learn to swear. A LOT. For example: "Fuckin A, dudeguy, I'm gonna slap you sillay foh stickin ya dick in my woman's shithole."
• Smack your mother because she gave chlamydia to your brother.
• Get a girl pregnant, drop out of high school, and live on the system.
• Be shocked and awed at neon lights.
• Sell heroin.
• Run over Stephen King with a minivan.
• Wait for your life to end.

Things to do in Maine

1. Watch a bear shit in the woods
2. Dialup some internets
3. Drink, fight and fuck pinecones
4. Count trees
5. Hunt tourists
6. Commit Suicide

See Also

• America
• Shit Nobody Cares About