Bolivia

Typical Bolivians

The head of state with presidential dandruff.

Bolivian in his natural habitat.

Bulivya Mamallaqta, Wuliwya Suyu, Tetã Volívia, Argentina's Mexico, Red Zimbabwe, or just Bolivia, is a giant reservation somewhere in South America. Formerly owned by the Incas and later the Spanish, it presently joins Cuba and Venezuela in promoting Socialism and constantly undermining the great capitalist Satan.

Bolivian achievements include killing Che Guevara, and subsequently worshipping him (much like Romans and the Jesus), and copying Brazil's Christ the Redeemer statue.

The best way to describe Bolivia is that it is Mexico's Mexico.

History

The symbol of the Incas (no srsly)

The indigenous Aymara built a great empire they named Tiwanaku that grew to epic proportions by sucking in surrounding, lesser tribes. They solidified their grand furrydom by introducing the llama which was both god and primary transportation. This went on for centuries before disappearing for no apparent reason.

The Incas then came along only to find nothing of value. Being driven by conquest, they decided to set up shop anyway and continue the llama dance with all the human sacrifice, cannibalism, and other aspects of worship of heathen gods.

The pwning of the Inca by Francisco Pizarro and his band of merry men heralded the arrival of Christian values and the enslavement of the local peoples as mandated by the Lord Almighty. Here, the unwashed savages were employed as cock fodder and beasts of burden in a divine act of karma, delivering to their righteous conquerers all the delicious silver the Incas failed to take notice of.

After a few hundred years the all-white aristocracy grew tired of the increasingly liberal Empire and rallied their Indian servants to ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH. In the century after becoming a republic, Bolivia seriously fucked up and lost half its territory to Peru, Brazil, Chile, and even Paraguay, eventually becoming landlocked and poor. All this fail coupled with the shitty life of the Natives led to a Revolution around the same time important countries were having WWII.

A military junta backed by the CIA then came in to NO U the socialism of the MNR and backtrack any civil rights that came into existence. Naturally a wave of Maoist terrorism followed to troll the trolls. It was during this time that Bolivia's greatest leader, Luis García Meza, rose to power. He successfully strengthened the economy, restored law and order, told the labor unions to GTFO, and got rid of those pesky terrorists, their extended families, and anyone believed to be a threat to the state for good measure.

Despite this epic win, Reagan didn't care much for the selling of narcotics and had the CIA get rid of Meza. Since then, Bolivia has been a democracy with only a few major riots during the last decade.

Economy

As a snow-covered nation, Bolivia's leading export is cocaine. Its people have been using it for thousands of years as a necessary stimulant because they live in such high altitudes. Hence they see nothing wrong with keeping it legal.

Since it is so very cold and dry up there, they also have plenty of salt to throw around. This is most helpful in getting down their cuisine centered around pig and other animal testicles.

Other products include llamas, alpacas, ear raping pan-pipe music, those pointy puffball knit hats with the strings, vespene gas, and cheap migrant labor.

World's Highest Capital

La Paz is the nation's capital and economic center, rising over 11,000 feet into the atmosphere. As expected, it is an urban ghetto where everyone from everywhere looks to for a better life and where they subsequently fail and pack up for Argentina. Its greatest attraction, however, is the local millionares club known as San Pedro prison, complete with daycare and family housing quarters. Here 99.9% of Bolivia's economy is based on cocaine manufacturing and a popular destination for British tourists looking to get shanked.

The High Chief

Evo tends to his beloved coca plant.

Bolivia's current president is Evo Morales, who advertises himself as the world's first all-Injun head of state, though he is totally unaware that Mexico already had an Injun president back in the 1800s. Nonetheless, his policies include legalizing cocaine, lame sweaters, and giving the land back to the native peoples by land reform and distribution. Doesn't that sound familiar?

He was frequently seen with BFF Hugo Chavez in sticking it to the evil, freedom-loving empire that is the United States. As such, Evo has told the CIA to take its war on drugs and GTFO.

The High Road

The Yungas Road connects La Paz to the town of Coroico and is the only way to get to and from the lush rainforest region. It was built by Paraguayan prisoners of war who thought it lulzworthy to build something that would force Bolivians to constantly risk their lives. Constantly under threat of rain and fog, Bolivians to this day would rather rely on this disaster in the making as opposed to taking the effort to build a road over or through the mountains. Of course this draws the attention of white tourists who see it as THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!! DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO CHALLENGE THE ROAD OF DEATH?!?! OVER 100 PEOPLE DIE EACH YEAR CROSSING IT! WHAT FALLS TO THE VALLEY BELOW NEVER COMES OUT AND IT PLANS TO MAKE YOU THE NEXT VICTIM! COME ON PUSSY IT WAITS FOR YOOUUU!!!!

In the Navy

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See Also

• Poverty
• Chile
• Mexico
• Peru
• Venezuela