Labyrinth

Labrinth is probably the greatest thing to happen in the 1980s other than Big hair, women waxing their privates, Our future god emperor appearing in the WWF, rumours that George Michael was straight and the Japanese invasion of cheap steel, electronics and Animu.

More fanfics exist, containing Mary Sues and David Bowie's character of Jareth than there are fanfics of Jesus and Mary Magdaline from the early days of Christianity to the present.

Surprisingly, the movie still holds up well being 30 or more years old and it is probably the second best thing David Bowie is known for to trendy fuckers right after Space Oddity or Major Tom to the Trendy Fucker currently reading this.

Plot

So gay. Or not gay enough

As with most Lucas films, the plot is quite simple, having cute characters and a goal to chase after for 120 minutes.

Sarah, the main character of the movie, is a Midieval Cosplayer. Because she is like you and has no friends or hope of friends in the near future her Father and Evil Step Mother expect her to watch her half-brother for free because they already know that she has nothing planned other than a night full of schlicking to light porn on Cinamax.

During one of her half-brother, Toby's crying fits Sarah tells him a story about wishing him away to the Goblin King. It's when the goblins hiding in the wall repeat the proper spell of, "I wish the Goblin King would come take you away," that she hears it and repeats it.

Being a 14-year-old girl Sarah instantly regrets what she did and begs the Goblin King, who, earlier, had been watching toilet cam shots of her, to return her half-brother Toby.

Stuck with the misfortune of being in the room with a loli and having Bowie Bulge, Jareth relents but he will only give Toby back if Sarah can navigate his labrinth in 13 hours, thus beginning the 2 hour chase to the credits.

	“	The Fireys, favorites of pyros the world over	„

Characters

Name	Description	Picture
Sarah	A real cunt of a loli that spends the first 90 minutes of the movie running around screaming how Life isn't fair, Rose's have thorns and apples sometimes have worms in them. A solo midieval cosplayer because no one can put up with her bitchy attitude for longer than five minutes. It really says something about her, when at the end of the movie the only friends she has made are imiganary ones. Because of an impulsive mistake she wishes her half-brother away to the Goblin King. Many Feminazis like to argue Sarah as a strong feminist because she made it through the labrinth and refused Jareth's advances but all she was doing was reading a book to her half brother while she smothered him with his pillow for a few moments respite.
Jareth	Is he gay, a pedophile or an hebephile? No one knows. Jareth kidnaps Sarah's half-brother as a favor to her because he wants to get all jiggy with Sarah and make her half-brother a goblin. Like most viewers under the age of 12, as a maiden and being pure of body, Sarah is frightened by the Bowie bulge and chooses to make friends with the loser brigade rather than someone who could grant all her dreams and wishes. Not a true villain, more like an anti-villain because if the point of view were changed 180 degrees he would be seen as a dark hero or the Yoda Figure that aids the hero in maturing.
Ludo	A character that is dumb as the rocks he claims to be friends with. Mostly serves as a Deus Ex Machina device for when paths are needed to be made, such as when the bridge collapses in the "Bog of Eternal Stench" and when fighters are needed because he has an ability to call rocks to him and those same rocks follow his commands.
Hoggle	A cowardly, little troll that is scared shitless of Jareth and is made Prince of The Land Of The Bog Of Eternal Stench when Sarah kisses him and his title is shown when Sir Didymous does not stop his crossing the bridge. His original goal is to confuse Sarah and lead her back to the beginning of the labrinth but like so many white knighting, foul faced loveless losers on the internet Hoggle gets a hard on for Sarah and starts to see himself as her protector, even standing up to Jareth by fighting against his armies.
Sir Didymous	A psycho Jack Russel Terrier that has more bravery than brains and is a perfect example of why large terrier owners need to carry insurance for their dog. Was the Guard of the bridge crossing The Bog Of Eternal Stench until the bridge collapsed and as he had nothing left to guard he decided to follow Sarah. His steed is an Old English Sheep Dog named Ambrosius.
Toby	No one really remembers Toby except for cosplayers and pedophiles. For being the quest item, he has very little screen time.

ED Helps You Look Smart

thum

If you want to look smart in a Mythology class, and God you need all the help you can get, use this movie as it is loosely based on the Arthurian Legends, King Arthur Dumbass, of Gareth/Jareth. Where to hammer it home, if you can even articulate it, is to bring up that Sarah gives Toby the bear named Lancelot at the end of the movie and Lancelot killed Gareth/Jareth in Arthurian Legend.

We helped you look smart for a day. This might actually help raise your grade from an F to a D when the Professor is giving out the final grade for the semester.

Our advice, learn to be a Man Whore. You never have to leave your House and get to bite your pillow all day.

Quotes

	“	That's Not Fair	„

See Also

• David Bowie

• England

• Kidnapping

• George Lucas

• Mythology

• Pedophilia

• The Venture Brothers

External Links

• IMDB

• New Labyrinth Movie In The Works

• Labyrinth Wiki

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Labyrinth is part of a series on Television Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.