James Emails 1

A troll under the alias "Rick" was in contact with James Terry Mitchell Jr throughout July and the beginning of August, claiming to have a totally real pedophile girlfriend. Rick managed to get into an email conversation with James, and the exchange is shown below.

Emails

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
1 Jul

to me 
I'm sure you are just a kiwi troll but fine. Ask your questions. I have nothing to hide. The worst thing I've ever done in my life is already common knowledge so do your worst.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
1 Jul

to me 
Just to let you know. I'm a pedophile not a pedosexual. I made love with that girl because we were in love with each other. It didn't traumatize her. She is well adjusted and happy as far as I know. I regret that I did it but I don't regret that it happened because I honestly believe it made me a better person. And actually getting it out of my system with a loving caring child that enjoyed it prevented me from violently attacking my classmates. The love I felt for her and to a small extent still do and always will was and is a positive force in my life. I will never touch another child unless it is legal AND she initiates it even if it were legal I wouldn't try to fuck a little girl. I prefer adult women. Little girls just have a calming effect on me and even that is largely asexual in nature much like normal people watch kitten or puppy videos I watch little girls doing gymnastics and ballet on YouTube they are so talented and beautiful (again not sexy just art style beautiful) yes, my tastes actually run towards the mature women. White hair is a turn on if the woman is otherwise attractive. Seriously 40-50 is hot. I'm not going to lie a nice 18 year old girl is fun to play with but for an actual relationship I want a mature woman that is stable and is okay with being either dom or sub. I hate equality in a relationship, it never works out. Shared power works, hell even power flipping works but both parties being equal all the time does not work. Sorry for the digression there. Anyway

TLDR not a pedosexual I am (to use multiple labels to classify myself I am heterosexual and pedophilic but not pedosexual unless she instigates and even then only if we are in love and the experience is mutually beneficial. If even one of those isn't present I'm asexual when it comes to kids. Oh I have had many conversations with pedosexuals both men and women so I can answer some questions as long as I already asked them. But please remain civil. I would rather a kind enemy than a mean friend.

Rick <[REDACTED]>
2 Jul

to James 
Thank you for getting back to me I'm just sorry I didn't see this until now.

No, I'm not a Kiwi Troll but I can understand if you feel that way. Even the most gentle animal can bite a friendly hand if it's been abused long enough, I don't know what I can do to show you that I'm not one of these people but I can tell you that unless I get your permission anything said between us will remain between us. If that's okay then I'll introduce myself.

My name is Rick, I'm in my early 30's, I work as a project manager having moved from IT a couple years ago when the market was just too oversaturated. I'm married, no kids, no pets but I do have a girlfriend. It's a long story that I might be able to really get into at a later date. Just to let you know my wife is perfectly okay with this arrangement. It's a little complicated but we make it work. My girlfriend is also a pedophile. She's got a thing for young flesh, doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl she loves them both. She doesn't however try anything illegal but she has been on sex holidays to places where underage prostitution is semi-legal. She's a free spirit, comes and goes as she will and I can't imagine my life without her.

So in that sense I understand where you're coming from. She's tried to explain it to me before that due to certain events in her life like being molested by her cousin when she was just a child to grooming other children her age that she liked the more childish form they had. Oddly enough I'm the only adult male with body hair that she likes to see naked much less have sex with. When I mention this she always says that she still sees me as the young boy that I was when we first met. Yes, she was my first time. Again, long story which I might get into one day but I usually request a story in return. Tit for tat as it were. But back to the point. 

As I said, because of my involvement with her I probably understand where you're coming from. I'm not here to judge because if you truly are a pedophile, let's be honest here there's no such word as "pedosexual", and you appreciate the younger form sexually it's not something that you can necessarily change. I'll admit that even though I'm happily married and have a girlfriend I can appreciate a 16 year old girl. She's got an adult body or at least an almost adult body but it's illegal here for me to do anything more than just admire her with her clothes on. I suppose in a sense this is how you feel when you see a child. You appreciate how they look, enjoy whatever it is about them that pleases you and if it was possible not to mention legal you'd like to do things to them with their permission of course. 

I can't promise to have all the answers, or any answers for that matter. But what I can promise is to be able to listen and maybe help you work on certain aspects of your life. 

If not, then I'm at least glad that you trusted me enough to respond and I hope you'll respond to this e-mail.

Rick

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
2 Jul

to me 
When I say I'm not a pedosexual I'm merely saying I'm not interested in sticking my dick in a kid. I don't believe in the word "demisexual" but it describes my sexuality towards children. I'm not going to fuck a little girl unless 1.She approaches me (which hopefully doesn't happen again. Thank the gods it hasn't yet.) 2.at the time it is legal. 3.I fall in love with her. I may fuck an adult woman I don't love (which actually hasn't happened yet. Because I fall in love with women really easily because I have such a soft heart and I am a hopeless romantic.) but I will never and would never fuck a little girl even if it were legal and she hit on me, unless we are in love. You know, the truth is at the time (unbeknownst to me) she was more experienced than me. And actually in my following experience by comparison she was loose. And honestly I have had better sex. Not a better love but better sex. I wish the people on kiwi would just get over it. I could understand if I traumatized her or if I violently raped her but not a loving consensual relationship. And I also can't understand why they keep ragging on every aspect of my life. The frequency with which I bathe. I bathe every time I sweat or any time I smell bad or any time I itch. And on a every third day schedule when those things don't happen. If I don't sweat, stink or itch for 3 days I bathe even though I don't need to just to cheer up cause a hot shower makes me feel better. I said that and they act like I go months without bathing. I have posted pictures of my dick which is objectively big or at worst average and they say I have a micropenis. I'm objectively handsome or at least average and they call me repulsive. I'm smart or at least of average intelligence and they call me stupid. They are so full of hatred they can't see me for the normal human I am. What I did was bad and illegal but for the most part harmless. Also it happened 14-15 years ago I let it go my "victim" moved on why can't these people? I'm a good man and actually I am better than good I am evil inside but I CHOOSE to be good and virtuous. A person that has inner demons and overcomes them is better than a person that doesn't. I'm sorry to unload on you but you offered. Can I ask you questions and you pass them on to your pedo girlfriend? I'm actually fascinated by female pedophiles. Does she actually enjoy the little boys dicks meaning size /really/ doesn't matter to her lol Or is it their bodies? When I look at a little girl even if I lust after her all I'm thinking is that I want to hug her and kiss her and do some heavy petting. When I lust after a woman I wanna shove my cock in her so really I don't have sexual desires for girls I have sensual desire for them which from my research actually is mostly harmless and that comes from csa survivors. I was not molested except for once when I was around 10 by a 5-8 year old boy and he held me down and fellated me and I didn't stop him because I was afraid of hurting him. I am ferdinand the bull. Scared of myself. I also lost my virginity at 14 to a 10 year old boy (unless you count the bj at 10 when I was molested which I don't.) I actually think if a nice woman like your girlfriend had molested me I would have never touched the girl. I was just curious what boobs felt like. Had a woman let me touch hers the girl would have been spared. It feels so good to get this off my chest to someone that understands. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
2 Jul

to James 
Thanks again for responding, I was afraid you might not.

One thing I will ask is can you try to use proper spacing and paragraphs? It makes reading what you write a lot easier. But onto the rest of the email.

While you might use the term "pedosexual" the problem is it's not a valid word. It's like when zoophiles use the term "zooromantic" because they feel it somehow makes it sound better and implies that they love animals and aren't in it just for the sex. Pedophile means a person that likes children in a sexual manner so the sexual part is already there in the definition. But I'm confused. You say that you're not interested sexually in children in that you don't want to, pardon the term, "fuck" them. Yet you then say that if a girl approached you, it was legal and you loved her then you would. So which is it? Are you into children or not? Again, not judging here I'm just trying to understand you and where you're coming from.

Okay, story time but you owe me one in return. My girlfriend likes them young. We're talking like eight and up for girls and maybe twelve and up for boys although she's admitted to them being even younger when she was younger. To her it's partially their bodies, as I said she normally goes for adult women that are short, slim and small breasted, small hips and hairless. Men for the most part are the short, slim, slighly effeminite and again hairless. Any porn that she watches usually involves very young looking actresses or twinks. Problem is there's no legal porn out there with underage children and she's very careful not to break the law. 

According to her it's the feeling of their skin, the size of their bodies and how pure they are. She loves sucking on boys because they don't cum. She loves licking girls because according to her they taste better. She likes it when a young boy or girl touches her, explores her body like it's a wonderland and are sometimes too shy to take the next step. She likes being in control in those cases. With adult men or women, they usually have a certain technique or know what to do with what and that isn't for her. The only one that she likes to have any experience is herself. When she sees a child she wants to play with them and hold them and hug them and kiss them like you do. But she also wants to feel them against her, she loves the skin to skin contact and says that a child's skin feels better against her. But like you she's got a strict hands off policy and because of this is never alone with a child just in case.   

For example when I met her the first time I was a freshman. There was a rumor in our school of a woman called the "blowjob phantom". Actually we knew of her back in junior high and some guys claimed to have met her but according to her she rarely touched them. She'd drive up in an old beat up Chevy Nova with tinted windows, she wore a mask that covered her whole head so you couldn't tell who she was and she preyed on freshmen or sophomores if they looked young enough. If she came up to you she'd take you away and give you a blowjob for free. If you came, she'd drop you off and you'd never hear from her again. If you didn't cum she'd give you a kiss, drive you back and say she'd pick you up tomorrow.

Halfway through the school year I was walking home alone and she came up behind me. I didn't hesitate because some of my friends had been with her and the car and everything matched their descriptions. I got in the car, she drove me to a quarry at the edge of town, got my pants off and sucked me. It was without a doubt one of the most amazing events in my life. But luckily I didn't cum even if I did jump in her mouth. She gave me a kiss and drove me back to where she picked me up saying to be there tomorrow at the same time.

Next day she shows up again and I get in the car and we drive out to the quarry. We make out a bit and she takes off her top. I had never seen a real pair of boobs before in my life and was more than happy to play with them. She urged me on, had me lick and kiss them and I swear her sighs were music to my ears. I don't know how long I sat there playing with her chest but she eventually got my pants off and sucked me off again. This time I played with her boobs as she did and I could hear her grunting a bit as she rubbed herself through her pants. Afterwards she kissed me again, I just wanted to play with her boobs more and she said I was cute but we had to get back. 

The next day again we get in the car and drive out to the quarry but this time we both got naked except for her hood. She had a gorgeous body, the first real one I had ever seen. Today we made out, I played with her boobs but she also had me feel her pussy and she was soaked down there. I still remember how she threw her head back and sighed when I touched her the first time. I played with her, she showed me things like her clit and what to do but eventually she had to suck me off again and she was fingering herself at the same time. It was so sexy. When she was done with me she turned to face me and looking me straight in the eye proceeded to masturbate like crazy to make herself cum. I reached for her tits and massaged them and literally when I did she went off cursing away, I pulled back thinking I did something wrong and she was angry but when she was able to breathe again she pulled me close, stroked my hair and said she could never be mad at me. Then gave me my first real kiss, Up until then it had been just a peck on the lips, this was open mouth and with tongue. I felt myself getting hard again and I was literally inches from her pussy but she said not yet. And we got dressed and she drove me back.

The next day when I got in the car she was almost giddy. She kept looking over at me, stoking my leg or holding my hand as she drove and giving little happy cries of "Mmmm!" as she did. We sixty-nined and while I really didn't know what I was doing down there she showed me and helped me and it was amazing.

Finally on the last day I knew what we were going to do and she shows up, can't keep her hands to herself and I could already smell her arousal because she was wearing a skirt and no panties. We get to the quarry and we fucked, twice. After the first time we played in the afterglow, then when I started to get hard again we did it again. At this point she did something that she did for nobody else, she took off her hood because she wanted there to be nothing between us. Bitch was fucking gorgeous and I recognized her as one of the juniors in our school. 

Afterwards I asked why she took off the hood because all my friends and people I knew said they never saw her face. She said it was because she loved me and there was something special about me. After that day, the blowjob phantom disappeared because she had me and didn't feel like having anybody else. Some guys said afterwards that they were with her but she only had eyes for me. We kept it secret until the senior prom and she wanted me to go with her. It was pretty funny, a sophomore going out with a senior but we didn't care. I had one of the hottest women in school and nobody could take her away from me until college that is but that's another story. 

Damn, that's a load of good memories. I never regretted being with her and she never regretted it either. This is partially why I'm not angry and I don't necessarily think you're a bad person having done that. Naive and unworldly maybe but I don't see any real malice. Having said that though, if you hurt a child in any way then I don't care how noble your intentions might be you're just going down. And that's not directed at you personally but anybody that willingly hurts a child. 

As for the rest the Kiwi Trolls they're doing it to get a rise out of you. You're sensitive about your weight, hygiene, penis and all that and that's where they're going to attack you because that's where you're weakest. Obviously it's working so stop letting them get to you. I know it's easier said than done but you're going to need to try especially now that they have all this information on you. Your best bet is to rise above it and try not to stoop to their level.

Remember when I said I wanted a story in return? I'm going to ask you for two and I'll give you another one in return, your choice so feel free to ask me anything. But I want to know two things. Firstly you mention a young boy fellating you against your will. How did this go down because I can't imagine something like that happening unless you wanted it or didn't care what he did. And secondly the 10 year old boy when you were 14, how did that go down and did you think you were gay at the time? If so and you thought you were, what led you to that point? And I said I want a story, I don't want a couple of lines with dry clinical details. Give me a running story of what happened, what led up to it, how you felt during all this? And in return I will tell you another story of mine, but you get to ask what it's about and if it's something that happened to me I will answer or if it didn't happen I'll ask you for something else. 

In closing, thank you once again and I hope to hear back from you,

Rick.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
2 Jul

to me 
Okay. 1. The question about whether I want to fuck a little girl. I said what I mean. I don't want to, however I don't pass up pussy as long as it's legal. I'm sorry if this confused you. I would be passive in the scenario. 

2. The boy molesting me story. 

I honestly don't remember what age I was or he was I was under 12 cause it was at the trailer park and I was 12 when we moved. He was a few years younger than me. I was very sheltered so I knew nothing about sexual things. He however had his dads porn magazines. Anyway, he showed them to me and asked if I wanted to try it and I said okay. I laid down on the bed and pulled out my penis he climbed on top of me and pinned me down and went down and started sucking me and I let him, it felt okay but I didn't want it. His mom walked in and caught us and I went home. I was so little I don't know what happened after that. 

3. The story of my loss of virginity. 

When I was around 14 my mom went out to karaoke often. She made friends with a couple that had a son and he was 10. They trusted me to babysit him. We would hang out and watch tv and they would pick him up. After a few times I said "kiss my ass" in the expression sense and he took me literally. I was wearing a nightgown at the time he pulled it up and literally kissed my buttock. It felt good and I figured since he was willing to do that he might be willing to suck my dick so I asked him to. He did but I didn't cum. I sucked him to show how I wanted sucked then had him suck me. The next few times I babysat him we would 69 and I would suck him to show how I wanted it. And then one time I asked if I could fuck his ass I didn't have any lube so I slathered his anus and my cock in lotion and slid it in it was the missionary position and I put a sheet over his dick and pretended I was fucking my girlfriends pussy (I later found out it was a sham relationship and that's why she never put out) and I came balls deep in his ass and then kept fucking because at that age I usually would cum and then a minute later have another orgasm but that time I came so hard I couldn't again however the cum acted as lube and I went deeper inside and he came really hard and the next few times he asked for it and most times I had him lay face down and just fucked him. I felt guilty but I was desperate for any hole I could get. At least I was guilty until one time he asked if it was okay if he moved and I said okay and when I fucked him he pushed back against it so he loved it so I stopped feeling guilty. But then I hit puberty and my cock doubled in size and he could not take it anymore and I stopped fucking him. 2 years later I met and fell in love with the girl. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
2 Jul

to me 
Okay the story I would like is the story of the first time you ever fucked a girl in the ass. Also I don't know if my story got to you I hit send and noticed the wifi was out but then it popped back on so it might have gotten to you. If your girlfriend would like someone to talk to let her know I'm here for her. 

Okay. Since you dislike the word pedosexual I will explain it like this. 
I am a pedophile but not sexually attracted to them unless I fall in love with her and since I stay away from children that won't happen. 

When I see a little girl I don't feel lust for her I feel desire to hug her and play with her hair and protect her and be her friend. But I stay away to avoid temptation. 

However when I see an adult woman my first instinct is yank her panties down and take her then and there. So I'm pretty much just a normal guy that is demisexual to little girls and I avoid them so I don't fall in love with them. I love little girls, I don't lust after them.

The only reason I say "if it were legal I would fuck little girls" is because I am going to the end. I'm saying that if the age of consent were abolished I would stop avoiding little girls but I wouldn't have casual sex with them like I do with adult women. I would befriend them and possibly date them. 

I relate better with girls many years younger or older than me but not so well with my peers. I'm also very shy with the older women. 

So about your gf again and her being with little boys. Does size not matter to her or does the overall sexiness (to her) of the little boy make up for the smaller dick? 

When she did the phantom bj's I understand she wouldn't suck a cummer a second time but did she swallow the cum when it happened? 

You said she was molested did she enjoy it even slightly? If she didn't and would like to get some cathartic release from talking to a different "monster" than the one that touched her. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
2 Jul

to James 
Interesting, although it actually raises a few more questions. 

So correct me if I'm wrong here but while you're not searching for a little girl to have sex with you wouldn't say no to one if she offered. I just find this hard to understand. For me unless there's actual attraction for her or that type I'm not going to sleep with her. For example I'm not into fat chicks. I have a rule that if she weighs more than me, has more than one chin or actual rolls of fat I'm not going to have sex with one even if she's there, willing, able and nobody will ever find out about it I'm not going to do her. So what it sounds like to me is that you have an attraction to little girls but it's just the legality of it that is holding you back from being with one. Again, not judging here. Just trying to understand your position because it's still not clear. Forgive me but it sounds like you're still very guarded about it all. I get it but as I said, no judgement and this stays between us. 

You say that the boy that fellated you held you down and molested you but here you're saying that you were okay with it even if you didn't like it. Can you elaborate on this?

And with this boy you fucked in the ass, did he at any time try to do you in the ass as well? I mean turnaround is fair play. 

Also if you're curious about my girlfriend you can always ask me a question and don't forget I owe you a story as well.

Rick.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
2 Jul

to me 
Aha. I think I understand your confusion. I don't turn down legal pussy. Even if the woman wrapped around it is ugly I close my eyes and think of Anorei Collins or something like that. I don't have the option of turning away willing pussy unless I fear the law or a disease. As far as little girls go the emotional attraction is there and over time the emotions can turn from love to lust like what happened with the girl. She was just my friend and then I fell in love with her then the love became lust. With adult women the process is reversed. I feel lust then I fuck them then in the pussy is good I get to know the person then fall in love and then eventually the love becomes friendship. I'm so sorry I am such an enigma to you. 

Well the "molestation" story while not really that bad I mentioned it to a friend while I was under hypnosis and she said that that is the root of my hypersexuality. 

Yes actually I let him peg me with a drumstick (instrument not food item) we tried him fucking me but his dick was too small to reach the hole and he wasn't really interesting. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
2 Jul

to James 
Okay, just got the second message so here we go.

First time in the ass. That would be with my girlfriend and a very special day.

It was my 18th birthday and I told my parents that I was sleeping over at a friends when in reality I was heading over to her place and we were going to make a weekend of it. Problem is she literally got her period that day and I don't know if you've ever done it with a girl then but it's rather disgusting. Your dick comes out smeared with blood and other bodily fluids but it's nice and hot, wet and slick going in so there is an upside. I figured lots of blow jobs and if she'd put a tampon in I could still eat her out.

I get there, she's dressed in sexy lingerie, drops to her knees once the door is closed, pulls down my pants and starts sucking me off. Very nice. After I'm nice and hard she stands up and taking me by the dick leads me to the bedroom where she's got everything set up including a bunch of pillows and seat cushions from the couch arranged on the bed. She helps me off with my clothes, pulls down her panties, grabs the lube and rubs some onto my dick before positioning herself over the cushions and asking me to lube her up. 

I did, paying special attention to her cheeks as she did because her ass was a work of art. I position myself behind her and slowly push against her asshole. There's a moment of resistance and then I slowly slide all the way in. I'll admit I gasped because it felt really good. It was tighter than her pussy and possibly hotter if such a thing is possible. She moaned in appreciation and when I was ready she asked me to go slowly and I did. Damn she felt amazing and while she sometimes curses when she's getting fucked or close to orgasm she was really cursing up a storm this time to the point where I was wondering if she was okay. But she insisted she was and begged me to continue. 

I did continue and noticed her moans and curses were getting stronger and her hips were grinding back each time I pushed. One thing I didn't know but I know now is that when I fuck her ass, she says it feels like I'm rubbing up against her clit but from the inside so as I'm pounding away, she's rubbing up against the pillows and flicking the bean so to speak so it wasn't too long before she came and begged me to slow down. After a few moments she wanted me to continue but I was already close and it didn't take more than a few pumps before I came inside her ass. We lay there for a moment, savoring the whole thing before I pulled out. I was expecting things to be a little dirty down there but my dick came out clean. Seems she took an enema before I showed up because as she put it, "you want to fuck my ass, not my shit". 

Yeah. The first time I fucked her ass was my 18th birthday present. Plus all the other orgasms we gave each other afterwards. Good times. 

Okay, I'm getting it now. You don't want to fuck a kid but if it's legal and available you would. Suppose, just spitballing here, that you were in a situation where there was a 10 year old girl who was with you and she offered herself to you. Nobody would ever find out because tomorrow she'd be dead due to a medical condition and she's choosing to spend her last 24 hours with you. It's still illegal to have sex with her but literally nobody would find out, you love her and all that and she's offering it to you. Would you do her?

Well she's not with little boys anymore, although she has been to Cambodia and other parts of Indonesia so who knows for sure. But the size of their dicks doesn't matter to her. As I said she loves sucking on them because they don't cum and they fit nicely in her mouth. If they do fuck, then she's tight enough that she enjoys it. I mean this woman can put a vaginal squeeze on you like you wouldn't believe. She works those keigal muscles. But as far as I know it's typically teens so around 16 or so and by then they're pretty much full grown. 

She'd spit actually but she swallows me all the time. Again, as far as she's concerned I'm special in more ways than one. 

And yes, she enjoyed it quite a bit. She was six and he was around twelve. They were play wrestling one time, she was wearing a skirt and he went for the pin and in the process accidentally slipped a finger into her panties. She didn't react so he continued and eventually she was sitting there in the basement with him with her skirt hiked up, her panties on the floor and he was playing with her pussy. She liked the feelings and I don't know how true it is but she says he made her cum. He jumped up and ran away because he thought he'd get in trouble. She didn't know what it was but later on that night when she was in bed she tried it herself and after experimenting for a while found out what worked and what didn't. So the next time he was there she wanted him to do it again and his only thing was he'd do it if she played with him as well. As far as she was concerned this was a new type of game that boys and girls could play together. It was rather innocent and she groomed several of her friends in the process. It wasn't until she was about eight that her parents found out but by this time she had moved from just playing to actually licking pussy, sucking dick and finger fucking. The oldest she did was her cousin and the first time he came in her mouth she was so grossed out that she said she never wanted to have that happen ever again. This of course lead to her not wanting to suck on a dick that would cum. So this is her explanation as to why she prefers them young or at least looking young. 

I see you responded to my other e-mail so I'll get to that one now. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
2 Jul

to James 
Okay, I think I'm getting a handle on this now. 

Just one more question, did you think you were gay at any point or was this just more of an opportunity thing? Personally I wouldn't want another man to suck me off much less fuck one in the ass. Was this more of a phase for you or were you convinced you were gay after this and went on with other men because this is how you thought you were?

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
2 Jul

to me 
1. Hot story. And yes I have fucked a girl on her period it feels so good and the blood makes it taste sooooo good. 

2. That is a tough decision. I'm gonna say most likely no. I'm sorry but if I were in that situation I would likely pleasure her but not fuck her unless she wasn't a virgin. Unless of course she wants to give me the gift of her virginity and the autopsy will avoid her genitals so it's between is. I will be gentle so as to not tear her hymen (which btw is a ring not a sheet and if she is turned on enough it won't hurt)  and I will focus on her pleasure and make love and leave her with a smile.  Especially since she wouldn't grow up and erroneously decide it was a horrible thing. I'm sorry if I seem horrible for that.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
2 Jul

to me 
I was bi for many years but a bad experience soured me on it. Namely bottoming. And not enjoying man ass anymore after I had had pussy. If it felt as good I would still be bi to this day. Also women suck dick better than men. 


James Mitchell <[email protected]>
Attachments14 Jul - Pictures of his arm. His "Hugs & Kisses" is his normal signature. I asked him to remove that because... ick.

to me 
Hugs & kisses.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
3 Jul

to me 
Have you been busy?

Hugs & kisses.

Rick <[REDACTED]>
3 Jul

to James 
Sorry but what kind of reply were you looking for? Your last email basically finished the thought  and there was nothing left to add to it. If you want more then you need to give more.

I'm happy to converse with you on these things, as I said I'm a good listener, but this means you also need to meet me part way.

Just as an FYI I sent your contact info to my girlfriend along with a short blurb and we'll see if she wants to open a dialogue with you as well. But beyond that I can't really speak for her. She's very much a free spirit and comes and goes as she wants. Oddly I'm the only real constant in her life so make of that what you will.

Now it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I've got some yardwork to do. Talk to you later.

Rick

P.S. I'm not gay so the whole "hugs & kisses" thing kinda icks me out. Please don't say that again.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
3 Jul

to me 
Ok. I just thought you were curious about me. I'm sorry. Just lonely. Thanks for the passing along the info thing. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
3 Jul

to James 
??? I was and am but if I don't have a question and you've answered them then what do you expect me to do? 

If you're lonely, don't you have friends you can call on or invite to hang out? I'm more than happy to send you a message or send you a response when you send something but you need to understand that I'm not online 24 hours a day and if you want more communication then you need to step up to the plate and communicate with me as well.

On a separate note I did receive a response and she'd prefer at the moment if I act as a kind of go-between the two of you. She said she doesn't want to start to communicate with another pedophile because that can lead her down a dark path that she doesn't want to go. Actually, I'll just copy the response she said but names of the guilty parties will be redacted for safety's sake.

Begin e-mail**********

Hello my little man!

Oh I miss that cute face of yours too! And Miss Kitty always misses her Winston so much that she's drooling thinking of him inside her and giving her all his liquid love. When I'm done here I'm going to need to get  [redacted] to clean her up. I found her at the bus station. She looked so lost and alone I bought her a sandwich. We talked she said she was running away from home because she was a lesbian and her parents wanted to send her to therapy so she's running away to Canada of all places to be with a girl she met online. She needed a place to stay for a few days and I thought who better than with me? I can offer her some guidance and maybe teach her a few things. The minute we were alone in the car she leaned over and kissed me with such force that it took my breath away. I was a little flustered but she assured me she was sixteen and showed me her ID. I drove her back to my place. offered her a shower and without waiting she dropped her clothes and led me by the hand to the bathroom. She was so eager that we must have had sex a dozen times in only two days. She's so pretty and tiny like a porcelin doll and she's totally legal. Makes my mouth water just thinking of her lying there, half-naked and watching TV. Mmmmm! God you make me horny. My panties are soaked you naughty boy making me think all these naughty thoughts about you. I'm so fucking wet right now so I'm going to end this fast because Miss Kitty needs some serious attention. I don't know if it's a good thing right now to speak to another pedophile. I'm in a good place with [redacted] and I don't need any more temptation than I already have. She's only 16 but looks a bit younger so I can at least pretend. If I talk to him I might get tempted to cross the line again and I can't do that. It's hard enough to stay pure up here, I don't want it to get any harder and stray off the path. You're sweet for thinking of me and thank you but I'll have to decline talking directly to him but if he wants to ask questions you can pass them along to me. I just ask that you be careful too darling. If you think something is not right, don't send it. I would be devastated if something happened to you.

How are you for this weekend? I'm going to be driving her to [redacted] to meet somebody she met online that she's going to be staying with and since it's only a couple hours away from where you are I was hoping that maybe we could get Winston and Miss Kitty reacquainted? It's going to be a long drive but I'm sure we can work something out and then you can drive me long and hard. Fuck. I want you now. Goddamn just thinking of you makes me wet. I need you baby. [redacted]. Friday night. Meet me there. 

Now if you'll excuse me I've got a junior dyke ready to put her tongue to use. It's the best thing I have at the moment but good things are sometimes worth waiting for. 

End email********************

Okay, a little more information there but what the hell, you already know about me and her but don't know her name or where we're meeting. And yes, Winston and Miss Kitty are our names for each other's genitals. 

So yeah. Talk to me if you want me to respond. Ask me questions and if I want some more information from you I'll ask you.

Rick

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
3 Jul

to me 
Ok. Actually no I don't have many friends. And winston and miss kitty lol tell her I think that's adorable. Mines name is molly. I named her after Molly O'Brien from Star Trek. No sexual desire for her I just heard a female comedian say that italian macho guys gave their dicks female names to be macho. I liked the idea and the first female name that popped into my head was Moira because I want to name my future daughter that if she ever exists so I couldn't use that name and molly was the next female name I thought of I honestly don't know why. I'm sorry if that's tmi but I figured since I know your names it was only polite to let you know mine. 

Since I don't think you would be mean for no good reason and as far as I can tell she's a sweetheart. Do you think she would be willing take a look at molly and tell me if it's actually small or the kiwis are lying to hurt my feelings. 
Since size doesn't matter to her I am thinking I can get an unbiased honest answer finally. 

Also please let her know I would not lead her into temptation. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
3 Jul

to James 
Glad to hear you're not upset or anything.

It was a long time ago we named them, Miss Kitty is a little obvious but she never told me why "Winston" of all things. It's just not a name I'd think of when thinking of a penis. And Molly O'Brien was adorable. Seriously cute little girl and she grew up to be pretty young lady. Seems her father was some hotshot sushi chef down in California and he lost his passion for the work, I think he was on an episode of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. Never heard of the Italians calling it by a female name though. Maybe it's a regional thing  or maybe somebody was messing with you to see if you'd do it. 

Thank you and yes, she's a total sweetheart at least where I'm concerned but in the end that's really what matters. 

Oh, so that's why you kept asking about penis size. Here's the thing, she's going to call it gross regardless. You're an adult male with an adult male's penis and you're not me. Therefore it's not one she likes. Remember when I said she likes them slim, effeminate and hairless? No offense but you don't qualify as any of those. If you were a twink, then sure and she'd probably drool over it but no. Besides if I'm going to be the go-between then I really don't want to see it. No offense to you but when I said I'm not gay, I'm really not gay and seeing another guy's junk is something that is very low on my list.

However I'll tell you this based on my experiences and the fact that you're very self-conscious about your dick. Stop worrying about it. Most women don't care how big you are unless they're size queens or literally have never been fucked by anything that wasn't large. Most of the nerve endings in a pussy are within the first few inches. The moment that really counts is the moment of penetration and because you're not hung like a horse it usually means you've learned how to please a woman. Most women will tell you that they'd rather have a guy who's average in size who knows what he's doing than have a guy who thinks all he has to do is show up because he's packing a salami in his pants. 

When I met my wife she was tight. And I mean tight. Either she hadn't been using anything larger than her fingers for a while or she's only been fucked with pencil dicks. The first few times she literally had to lie there and get used to being stretched by me and I'll be the first to admit I'm pretty average when it comes down to it. I've never actually measured but I've never gotten a complaint from a woman and nobody has ever laughed when I took my pants off. So make of that what you will. I'm sure you're okay and it's just the Kiwis making fun of you because they know you're sensitive about it. If you really want to know, maybe there are sites out there that can ask or maybe ask some gay guys what they think. I don't know. I just think you need to stop worrying.

Just in case I don't hear from you tomorrow, Happy 4th of July!

Rick 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
4 Jul

to me 
Happy 4th. 

Thanks for the kind words. 

Actually lol I am called feminine all the time by my friend. My feelings and mannerisms I apparently act like a girl. 

Even though I may seem misogynistic at times it's not actually misogyny just bitterness based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence. I'm actually really good to women and have actually had girl friends tell me to man up. If a woman isn't a feminist she will hate a male feminists guts. 

The kiwis and tumblrinas act like you hate women unless you're a rabid female supremacist. They are a pack of wild hyena. 

I'm sorry your gf hates adult genitalia like that. It's good she likes yours though. You shave it for her? I have body hair but if I shave it takes months to grow back down there. The hair on my scalp grows super fast but it's been almost 2 months since I shaved my face and all I have is stubble. When it comes to my junk I shaved 6 months ago and it's only half as long as it was. Lol. 

I have asked gay guys and they tend to drool over it. Apparently it has a great head on it. I'm sorry I keep obsessing over it. In freudian terms I guess I never progressed past the phallic stage of psychosexual development. But as most people know most if not all of freud's observations were anecdotal and invalid. Sorry, I'm a Jungian on some things... Well that is to say what theories I have heard made sense to me and I have yet to disagree, however I have not done in depth research on him. 

I'm sorry for the long paragraphs and walls of text. I have a bad habit of writing how I talk in my head. I don't stop to breathe in my inner dialogue (and no that's not a mistake, I don't mean monologue I have many voices in here that debate quite often). 

Do I really seem stupid? The people on kiwifarms keep attacking my intellect. They debunk every theory as if a 3 year old made it up. They act like everything I say is either wrong or worse, a lie. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
4 Jul

to James 
Taking a break from all the 4th of July things now. The wife is taking a nap after lunch and I'm going to join her soon but figure I'd whip off a response before I do. So much stuff going on today. Everybody outside grilling, picnics, lots of beer and fireworks. God Bless America which is odd because I'm an atheist but I love this time of year. 

Bitterness how? Why feel bitter towards women if you admit that you're good with them? I'll be the first to admit that we communicate differently, react differently and really are different in just about every way imaginable under the skin but that's part of the attraction. It's the differences that brings us together so long as you're still sympatico with somebody. My parents have been able to make it work for 50 years this summer. It they can do it then I don't see why others can't.

Tumblr is tumblr and it's a cesspit of stupid ideas, false equivalencies and people thinking they're smarter and more clever than they actually are. I typically ignore the ones with an obvious agenda because they're ideologues and you can't make them change their mind so why bother. And the Kiwis are doing it because they know it bothers you. 

I'm a special case in her eyes because I'm her special one and she's admitted that even with the body hair, stubble and manly voice she still sees me as being 14. But any other guy or gal needs to be shaved. You're lucky in a sense that you don't grow facial hair all that much. I can go a day without shaving and get that cool stubbly look but more than a day and it just starts looking unkempt besides my wife hates kissing me if I didn't shave so guess what happens? As for the rest of me I never bothered shaving. I asked my girlfriend about that once and she just smiled and said she didn't see any body hair. God that woman is sweet. If she was the type that could stay tied down I would have married her years ago but after a couple weeks she starts getting itchy feet and can't stay in the same place for more than a month or two. 

So there you go. People like your dick even if they're people you're never going to fuck or let them play with it. And yes, you are obsessing over it. And yes, Freud was full of shit. I credit him with his methods. I credit him with the birth of modern psychoanalysis. And I credit him with bringing psychological problems to the public consciousness. But he was a horny old goat who took his own problems and projected them onto everybody else making most of his observations and theories tainted in the process. And while Jung might have been more scientific and less personal in his work it's very cliche to say you hate Freud but like Jung. Sorry but it's the truth and as you admit that you don't really know much about the man I really wouldn't say that you're a Jungian. Besides, he was a Nazi sympathizer.

At least you're learning to space things out here. No walls of text and spaces where they should be going. Makes it easier to read. Good job.

What is stupid in your mind? What does the word mean to you and why is it important not to be stupid? I have my reasons for it but I believe part of your reason is the Dunnig-Kruger effect. What this is is a person who knows little about a subject thinks themselves an expert but an expert actually thinks they know little. It's a fascinating way of looking a the world and I've always used the following example only because I've been doing it for so long. I've taken martial arts all my life. I do several different styles and I'm not an expert in any of them but I do know more than the casual layman or somebody who hasn't done it like I have. When you start learning it you feel like you know something that nobody else does and it fills you with a certain power and confidence. "I know karate" you'll say to anybody but you don't know it and if you try to get into a fight you'll probably get your ass kicked. It's dangerous at the start and when you do actually start to get competent at it and could handle yourself you realize that there's so much more about it that you don't know. 

The other part is, and I'm sorry to say this, but you seem to act without thinking or knowing more about the subject at hand. Your nuclear power video that a kiwi schooled you on for example when five minutes on Google could have answered that question. . Or more recently how you describe yourself as a being wolf and being more primitive but smarter than a dog. First of all the comparison is bullshit. Dogs are not more evolved than wolves nor are wolves somehow smarter than dogs. The fact that you're saying this shows you don't understand evolution or the relationship between dogs and wolves. You are aware that dogs *are* wolves that have simply been forcefully bred to remove some of the wildness from them and make them more servile. Dogs bark, whine and act like puppies well into their adulthood. Wolves don't. It's been said that in domesticating the dog we've actually made them dumber and kept them in perpetual childhood or adolescence. This was done for our benefit. Dogs and wolves however can still interbreed. As can coyotes. 

You also seem very rigid in your beliefs and don't seem to want to budge once your mind is made up on a subject. That's all well and good if you're right or have the evidence to back it up but it's terrible if you're wrong and continue to argue from a weak position. It makes you look weak and it gives them something to hold onto. My suggestion? Learn before speaking. Think before speaking. There's a saying out there, "better to be thought a fool than to open you mouth and remove all doubt."

And finally when you put yourself out there on the internet for everybody to see you're going to have to deal with bullies and people that want to hurt you for whatever reason. The fact that you're a pedophile is huge to a lot of people. It's been said that they, along with rapists, don't survive long in jail because the other inmates will kill them. People take things like this very seriously as it's in our nature to want to protect children. I'd also wager that some of the Kiwis have been molested as children or know somebody who has so this makes it personal to them. And the fact that while you say you don't find children sexually attractive but given the opportunity, legality and love you would is not helping you in any way. And if it wasn't for my girlfriend and her plight then maybe I'd agree with them.

Have you ever considered telling them? Maybe writing out a long and well thought out treatise on why you feel what you did was okay but then assure them that it will never happen again. Instead of getting butthurt try to understand where they're coming from as well. Could be that maybe some, I'm not saying all because that will never happen, might change their minds about you. It's worth a shot.

Okay, I'm getting sleepy. Ate too much at lunch and had a little too much to drink so I'm taking a nap. Go out tonight, have a good time. I'm sure there's a firework show in your area. That's what we're doing later.

Rick.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
4 Jul

to me 
I'm bitter because everyone woman I love leaves me. I'm a forever type guy and most women aren't. 

I chose Jung because he's pretty much the only big name in psychology. I first heard his name on an episode of Frasier but I didn't know any of his work until I saw an analysis of the Tool song 46 & 2. And I read his Wikipedia page. Him being a nazi sympathizer is inconsequential. 

I actually prefer walls of text I only refrain from their use because they confuse people. 

To me stupid means worthless and not worthy of sex or mating and eugenically should be culled to purify the gene pool. If I'm stupid my offspring will be. I'm actually scared of being a father because I fear passing on my Aspergers to my child or if I don't then (s)he will be neurotypical and I won't understand them just like how I don't understand other normies. The kiwis actually already accused me of the dunning kruger effect only they say I'm stupid and think I'm smart. 

I always heard wolves are smarter but more savage and that dogs are corrupt mutated wolves. 

I did tell them in many posts but they refuse to believe me. I guess they think if you do it once you'll do it over and over. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
4 Jul

to James 
So why do they leave you? Here's the thing about dating, your first few experiences usually don't last long. But you need to get back up on that horse and try again or else you're not going to get anywhere. It's also important for you to figure out what went wrong. Don't assume that everything you do, she's going to want to do and vice versa. Part of the reason me and my girlfriend are still together is because we don't see each other too often. Maybe a handful of times a year? I love her dearly and I can't imagine my life without her but as much as I love her I know that we could never truly be together. Part of this is her and part of it is me. But we make it work. 

When I met the girl that would be my wife we clicked. It was scary how well we clicked. We had so much in common and could talk for hours which is weird because while I'm a bit of a storyteller, I'm not a talker. She however brings it out in me. But the key thing is we have a life outside of each other. What I wanted was a woman that was independent and didn't need me for everything but would still miss me when I wasn't there. She also understood my situation with my girlfriend and why it is that I could never really leave her. 

It's up to you to find out what went wrong and see if now that you know that, can avoid it the next time around.

Yeah, I actually thought it was from Fasier. It was the first thing that came to mind. But that's not the point. And so long as you understand that Jung didn't have all the answers, that's great.

Well that's a pretty drastic way of looking at the word "stupid". You know what it means to me? Not smart. Like a child that can't be taught to potty train and is still wearing diapers when they're five. Then maybe I should ask what is your definition of intelligence? Mine would be the ability to understand complex ideas and use them to their fullest advantage. For example, crows are intelligent. They are capable of figuring out puzzles or using the environment to their advantage. This is more than just dropping a nut onto the ground so a passing car ran crush it. This is being able to solve puzzles using tools that are available to them. What does it mean to you?

No. Dogs are wolves. They've just had all the wildness bred out of them over the course of tens of thousands of years. They retain some of the juvenile traits which include the shape of the skull and snout as well as childish behavioral traits like barking, whining and showing submission. A great example of this was the Russian Domesticated Fox experiment. A Russian took a group of foxes and bred them like people do dogs. He chose from each litter the most docile and even tempered pups and would raise them and then breed them. This went on for several generations over fifty years and is still going on today. By, I think it was the sixth generation they started showing more doglike traits like floppier ears, spotted or colored fur and more childish behavior. The project continues to this day. They even sell some of these as pets and they act like dogs do. 

But how did you bring it up? Were you just doing this like spur of the moment and trying to justify your relationship with her or did you explain it as you explained it to me? The same information can give different results depending on how it's brought up. For example, I don't know whether Indiana has Sunday Shopping or if they do it's on reduced hours or whatever. But suppose you didn't and somebody came up to you and asked you a question like this, "don't you feel that stores ought to be open on Sunday so that the retailers can make some extra money for their families and give people an extra day to shop?" You might be tempted to say yes to this because it's phrased in a positive way. But what if I were to ask you this way, "don't you feel that stores should be closed on Sunday so that the greedy shopowners don't force their staff to work every day and they have one day off per week guaranteed so they can spend with their families?" You'd probably be tempted to agree with that as well? This is what I mean by how you bring it up. Find a way to tell them what you told me and while I'm sure some will continue to say things against you, others might be more inclined to agree or maybe even support you in that.

You'll never know until you try. 

Rick

Rick <[REDACTED]>
5 Jul

to James 
Quick question for you before I go to sleep. 

This was knocking around in my head as we're earlier sitting there on the blanket watching the fireworks and thinking about a Monday morning meeting that will be tomorrow as today we were closed. Why don't you have a job? Again as before, no judgement here, but you seem capable of doing so. Is there anything holding you back from actually working or is it just a case that you never felt the need? 

I only ask because while I've been unemployed at certain points in my life I've never really not worked. It's just that much harder to pay the bills when there's no money coming in.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
5 Jul

to me 
They leave because I am too clingy and emotional. When I have a gf I devote myself to her and most girls hate that because it's too soon. 

To me intelligence means superiority, it means you deserve respect. I see it as inner beauty & strength. Logic is the first step to wisdom. 

No amount of justification and penance and promises it'll never happen again will ever be enough for them. No amount of positive spin can even make people feel better about me unless they are already open to doing so. And if I convince then all I'm doing is preaching to the choir. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
5 Jul

to me 
I had a job at a Taco Bell Pizza Hut express in Indianapolis for 7 months and they fired me because of attitude problems. I wasn't chipper all the time. Also the women there had potty mouths and were vulgar which made me uncomfortable and I asked them to stop and they took it as rude and misogyny. After that I tried every store and restaurant I could and didn't get hired anywhere. Then we moved up here to Muncie and the job market is even more slim. I literally went into every business at the mall and along the main road filled out applications and got nothing. Then we moved to the motel downtown I filled out apps at everything within a mile and got nothing so I decided to file for unemployment and they suggested I apply for SSI and I did and I talked to the doctor and he evaluated me and said I am worthy of getting it because I don't have the social skills to keep a job. Basically when it comes to dealing with people I'm retarded. That's part of why I can't keep a woman I have poor people skills. I also have poor endurance for repetitive tasks. Well unless they're sexual. If I was big enough and had a way to get there I could be a porn star even knowing the bts horror show. But I hate that you have to be in a good mood to keep a job even if you hate your job. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
5 Jul

to James 
The clingy I kind of got. After all you started to respond with "hugs & kisses" and when I didn't respond immediately you were all "where are you". And you know what? I get that. I was rather clingy with my first real girlfriend too and that's part of the reason we broke up. I loved her so much that just a moment away from her was an eternity. But it taught me certain things such as the importance of space and how when you're together you don't always have to be constantly touching. But why bitterness? If this is your fault, and I'm sorry but this is how it sounds, then how can you blame them for something you're doing? 

That's not what I meant. I guess I should have said what *is* intelligence as far as you're concerned. What does it mean to be intelligent? If you were to ask me it's the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills. And then It's quite possible to be intelligent and be a complete moron in certain things so you might be superior to somebody who is less smart but if you've never done anything with that brain of yours can you really say that you're superior to a person who is less intelligent but they're managed to accomplish more because they've worked harder at it? The same for respect. Sorry but like the popular saying goes respect is earned. not given. Nobody is going to respect you for having an attribute if you never use it. It's like are you going to respect some guy because he has a twelve inch dick and a corvette? No and why should you? What has he accomplished to earn your respect? 

I'm not so sure. I actually went there and while there is a lot of jeering and laughing a lot of "cows" as it were have been able to redeem themselves by not flipping out and by explaining themselves rationally and carefully. It's the flipping or "chimping" out that they love and if they don't get it then they're more apt to listen to you. There's this guy who dresses up like Goofy and it's nightmare fuel. They created a thread on him but he showed up and basically said something like, "yeah whatever. I know it's strange but I like it and so do the kids. Big deal. I know I'm weird but there you go." And that was it. If you went back and explained yourself rationally and clearly as you have with me then maybe they might take you differently and leave you alone. I can't guarantee it but it's something to maybe keep in mind. 

Okay, next email continues below

Well first of all you were working fast food. That's got to be the most soul crushing and empty job out there but if you're working cash or dealing with the customers then you do need to at least put on a happy face. I've worked jobs where I've had to deal with customers and while you can have a bad attitude you need to hide it. You can't go around looking like you just sucked on a lemon, be gruff and growly at the customers and expect them to just accept it. But here's what I'm wondering, maybe you need something different. You claim to be an Aspie correct? How far on the scale are you? A couple of years back when I was finally tested and yes it took me that long to realize that maybe I was the one with the problem the psychologist said I was a 6 1/2 or maybe 7. The way she described it was on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being completely normal and 10 being completely off in your own world 6 is the cut off point for "normal" and we're entering Aspergers territory. So as a 6.5 or 7, I'm still pretty low on the scale which means often times I can pass for normal but people who meet me might think I'm just a little odd. I can speak to people, look them in the eye, give a presentation on whatever and have a good rapport with my boss, co-workers and underlings. I have some of the strengths and some of the weaknesses. Strengths being the smarts, the laser like focus, the ability to look at a problem from more than one side. I'm dependable, loyal and devoted to my job, spouse, girlfriend, friends and family. If I make a statement or promise I keep it. My word is my bond. I'm sincere, positive and genuine. There's no artifice here. I'm exactly who I'm presenting myself to be. I don't lie only because I'm terrible at it so it's easier for me to go with the truth. But I also have some of the negatives mainly in terms of shit social skills, an inability to truly empathize with people, sometimes being unable to see the big picture because I focus too much on the details, a desire to keep a routine and problems if that routine needs to be changed. You take the good with the bad.

But I've used those skills to get to where I am today. As I said I started off in IT. Actually I started off as a chef but couldn't stand the heat or cooking for large groups of people who didn't appreciate it. I love cooking for family and friends in fact that's one of the things I did that attracted my wife. I cooked for her on our third date. After that I trained in IT because I loved and still love computers and stuff. It was the perfect blend of hardware and software for me but the industry got too oversaturated, salaries weren't great, things were being outsourced and moved overseas so I made the change to project management. Here a lot of my abilities that I liked in IT have been transferred like attention to detail and since I have a background in tech then I can talk tech with the techs and I get where they're coming from which means I can explain things to the suits and put it into terms they can understand. 

But this isn't about me. I'm just saying there are training courses out there that recognize that Aspies have skills that can be used to better themselves and can be useful in a business environment. Maybe you ought to consider looking into one of those. You start making some money, move out and get a real apartment and who knows maybe can get a girl? Women like a man who's independent and has skills. Otherwise you're just stuck there with nothing to do, spinning your wheels and not able to really enjoy life because you can't do anything because you can't buy anything. Yes I know that money doesn't buy happiness but it can buy nice things.

I mean recently we just came back from a nice trip. We took two weeks and took a Mediterranean cruise. It's something we've talked about for years and finally did it. It was great. We were at a new port of call every morning. We took tours around the countryside, sampled local cuisine, saw some things that I had only seen in pictures, movies or in the case of Italy video games. Do you know how awesome it was to step onto the streets of Florence in Italy knowing that giants of the Renaissance like Galileo, Machiavelli, the Medicis and the Borgias walked? Seeing with my own eyes some of the structures that Ezio ran across in the game Assassin's Creed II? Actually feeling a part of history by walking across the Ponto Vecchio? And practically falling to my knees on the Field of Miracles in Pisa? My whole life I've loved the Renaissance and here I was smack dab in the middle of where it happened. That's some powerful stuff. I also had some of the best espresso in my life but that's another story. We couldn't have done any of this without money. 

Do me a favor, look into it. See if there's something that maybe even take you on SSI or there's a programme for people on SSI to get them back into the workplace.Just think about it.

Rick.

Rick <[REDACTED]>
6 Jul

to James 
You still there?

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
6 Jul

to me 
Okay. Lot of stuff to cover here. I wrote it down on paper as I read your email so I could keep it in sequence.

1."Hugs & kisses" is my email signature not a message to just you. 

2. I'm bitter because I resent the fact that I have to fake being aloof and uncaring to give the illusion of normality. 

3. To me, to be intelligent means to have a repository of knowledge gleaned from years of study, be it academia or independent to have a grasp of ideas and concepts even if the knowledge is internal and difficult to express in an external sense. To be able to comprehend great thoughts in an intuitive way. Also to be able to remember facts and figures. 

4. If "respect is earned" no one would be worthy of it because humans are inherently flawed, broken from the factory. 

5. Most people would respect the 12 inch guy because in our society, sex is the end all be all of human existence. It is erroneously believed that a cock has to rival that of a horse for a woman to even feel it. In porn it is nearly without fail a huge dick going deep as fuck without hurting the girl which we both know is ???? because even with my 5-6 (7.25 on my best day) inches I have hit the cervix of more than one adult woman. Now what I would really like to know is if people believe an adult woman can take a monster cock why do they think a little girl can't take a normal cock and enjoy a 6 incher like a woman enjoys 9? 

I could get my own place if I said "fuck you mom and dad be homeless and die" without me paying the rent they would be literally in debt permanently. I could get a motel room for 50-100$ more a month, or spend my entire SSI payment on rent and utilities and have literally $0 for food. The rent I currently pay is the cheapest I can find. 

I'm not interested in travel except for the lands of my ancestors and that is pure fantasy. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
6 Jul

to me 
Yeah, just answered your email. Sorry I rant a bit, I just have a seething undercurrent of anger and sadness I have no way of purging. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
6 Jul

to me 
PS. Why bother trying to change their minds? I may change some minds but they will never take it down. I never heard of a Aspergers scale but I guess I would be an 8. I don't understand neurotypicals and what I do understand I don't like. Dr. Asperger actually started by calling it sociopathic autism which I actually agree with. I have either muted emotions or short busts of stronger than normal emotions. I doubt that there are any of those programs in Muncie but I will look them up. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
7 Jul

to James 
Hey hey. 

Would have responded to this earlier but it was my Mother's birthday today so I spent a good portion of the day in the kitchen making all her favorites. They showed up around 4pm, we had a bit of punch and a little shrimp cocktail. This was followed by a Caprese salad with some of the tomatoes and basil from the garden. Entree was a roast leg of lamb with roasted veggies and Hasselback potatoes and dessert was a creme caramel. All in all, a meal enjoyed by everyone although I've never been one much for lamb.

1. Gotcha, I thought it was a little weird. I mean the only man I've ever kissed is my father when I was a child so getting that from another guy is a little offputting.

2. You have to fake this for who? And from the way you were talking I understood it as you being bitter because of women. 

3. And what you've described there is really nothing more than having a mind full of information but not able to actually use it which is intelligence. I'm reminded of a TV show from the late 60's called "The Prisoner". It's a great show from Great Britain and almost 50 years later people are still talking about it. Still analyzing it and still discovering new things. There's an episode called "The General" where they've developed something called "speed learn" which can teach you a three-year university level course in under three minutes. Enough that you could take a test on it and pass. Everybody watching it gets the same information and is able to give the exact same answers when asked a question on it. That is until somebody who knows the process asks a slightly different question to Number 6, the titular Prisoner and hero of the story. He seems to struggle with it and then gives the closest answer based on what he "learned". but it of course is wrong because it was about something similar but not the same. It's here that Number 6 realizes that this whole speed-learn thing is not power or knowledge, it's slavery. The General can input anything it's programmed to into your mind and then cause you to respond in the way you're supposed to. Or in the show Frasier when Bibi is introducing Frasier to some of her new clients and she introduces one as "the Professor" or "the Living Encyclopedia" and Frasier asks him to describe some Freudian thing to which the guy just starts rattling off facts about Freud without actually answering the question. This is what having a repository of knowledge without actually knowing the material or being able to put it into use is. It's just words. 

It's like when I went to culinary school we learned the basics and learned the fundamentals of cooking. We learned the terms and the procedures. We started with soups, stocks and sauces before building on that knowledge and moving on to more complex dishes. Today I use that knowledge that I had to create my own recipes based on the ingredients I have and how they'd all come together. I know how they taste individually and what I can do to build on that to make something that is greater than the sum of their individual parts. That's knowledge because I can use it and I can understand the interplay between flavors. If I didn't have that then I wouldn't be able to create what I do. 

I would say that you're part way there but still have a lot to learn if you want people to think you're truly intelligent. Show them what you can do with your brains. What can you create. How can you display that short of going on Jeopardy?

4. That's a very cynical way of looking at things. Respect needs to be earned but you can earn it from people by your actions. I have respect at work because of how I do my job, how I manage my projects and how I'm able to keep them going when things look bad. I have respect from my friends by being somebody they can rely on when they need it. I have respect from my wife for being a good husband and good provider. Yes I'm flawed as are we all but are you able to rise up above it or does the mere fact that you're not perfect somehow mean that you think you're not worthy of it? Give people a reason to respect you and they will. 

5. No they wouldn't and this really goes to show that you're thinking with your dick and are very sensitive about it. Why give a person respect because he's packing? I've said it before than women prefer a man with an average size dick who knows what he's doing with it than some guy with a monster schlong who thinks that that's all he needs to bring to the table. In fact most people don't think as you do and the only ones that do are so called "size queens" who need to take the biggest, longest and thickest dicks they can find or guys that are somehow envious of somebody with a canoe in their pants. And no, sex is not the most important thing in society. Money is. Money talks and can get you whatever you want. Power comes second but that's usually tied with money in some way. Having a big dick is somewhere down the line around number 20 or so. And what they're arguing with children is they're not ready mentally or emotionally for sex and physically they're not really developed yet. Just because a child can take a six inch dick doesn't mean that they should be. 

6. So why continue with SSI then? I mentioned that as an Aspie you have certain skills that can be of use. It's IT's dirty little secret that more than half of the people in it have some form of Aspergers. Have you looked into training courses which could lead to an actual job, actual money and being able to buy stuff for you and your parents without breaking the bank. Just a suggestion understand. I don't want to come across as that guy with all the answers who doesn't accept people unless they follow his limited understanding of the world. 

7. Travel was only an example. Let me put it to you this way then: If you had the chance to do anything, no matter what it was provided it's not outside the realm of possibility what would you do? And would you then do this if you had the money for it? I can't imagine that getting SSI is all that fulfilling. Sure you have loads of time on your hands but wouldn't things be easier for you financially if you were you were actually working? 

Rick

Rick <[REDACTED]>
7 Jul

to James 
Sorry, didn't see this one.

If you don't want to change their minds then why answer them or keep responding to what are obviously troll posts on your tumblr? There's got to be a reason for going back there especially if it bothers you. 

And you can't determine where you are on the scale. Only a psychologist can do that when they test you for Aspergers. You were tested right? The only reason I ask is because a lot of people claim they have Aspergers when they have shit social skills when they're just assholes. I mean you could very well have it but without a doctor confirming it, it's still only a hypothesis. 

And I don't get neurotypicals either. I'm lucky in the regard that I'm not too high up on the scale and that I have people that love me and accept me for who I am. My boss knows that the best way to tell me anything is to be blunt. I've told him before that if you need to tell me something then just come out and tell me. Don't make me guess because you're afraid of what HR might say if they see your e-mail to me. But "normal" people often times are a blank slate to me. 

Good luck to you and I hope that you might be able to find a program to help you.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
7 Jul

to me 
Several pages to reply. I don't anything for 1. So straight to 2.

2.If I wanted a gf I would have to act normal and never show her the real me. No woman would be willing to date me; I'm depressed, autistic, sociopathic, misogynistic, misandrist overall misanthropic. Basically I'm defective in multiple ways & no amount of therapy or drugs will ever permanently fix me. I'm a pile of  neuroses and psychosis. Meds help but that's not a permanent solution. 

3. Then what use is an education or intellect? Why not teach children how to be normal people and only give them the knowledge that is obligatory and then give them access to everything and find out what they're interested in and then teach them that and give them a job in that. We as a society are totally fucked. The longer I live the more I find it is better to be a dumbass with lots of friends than a lonely genius. I would rather be retarded or neurotypical and getting laid and working some boring job pushing paper or manual labor anything! Just a normal fucking life with friends and a girlfriend. I'm 30 years old it's way too late for me to get a life. 

4. Noone will ever respect me. I'm not worthy of it, love maybe but not respect. I'm not worthy of respect I'm a degenerate worthless waste of life. If the inquisitor from Red Dwarf existed he would have negated my existence long ago. 

Other than in a butterfly effect/causality/chaos theory manner I have never made the world a better place. Helping people by giving them a place to stay etcetera but even without my existence the world would have only been slightly altered. I have actually made the world worse just by living in it. 

5.I would respect a well endowed man because he can get women more easily because he is more confident because he doesn't have to worry about women going around and saying he's small and then not getting any because of a bad reputation. Hell Ron Jeremy is old fat and ugly and he still gets pussy because of his dick. I have seen him fuck if it weren't for his huge dick he would be a bad fuck. From the jokes and pop culture references it would seem all women are size queens unless they fuck a few small dicks and the men attached are very skilled. 

I hate that I basically have to consensually rape a woman for her to enjoy it. If I'm gentle some women have trouble even feeling it. Women need to have pain to be able to cum vaginally. Unless you're big or rough with them women can barely feel their cunts. 

The only reason people get money? Men: To get women. 

Women: So they can have the social standing of a man and fuck multiple men with impunity until they find a big dick guy to use as a boytoy. 

6. Because I have no marketable skills and even if I did my personality would make me unemployable. 

7. If I could do anything I would commit myself and be the subject of testing having a private room to myself and I would read all day and write stories, actually put my psychotic imagination to good use. I would allow myself to be tested on with various therapies and medications. But I can't commit myself until my parents die. They depend on me too much. 

Or if money were no object I would buy my house and own it outright and find out if there's a way to never pay property taxes again. I would clean out the basement and dig down making a bunker and I would get an elliptical machine and a bowflex and other assorted work out gear and a years worth of provisions and have a whore visit once a week. I would have a big screen hooked up to a computer with the highest memory I could get and the fastest modem and I would eat and work out and watch tv or YouTube all day and I would never wear clothes. I would give the whore the combination to the door and I would be able to get out if I wanted to but otherwise I would be locked in nice and safe I would have a waterbed and a cot for the times I want a firm mattress instead. That's my fantasy. Basically being in prison in a private cell with a weekly conjugal visit and permission to go free if I wanted to but I don't want to. I would have a webcam and I would host a web show from the bunker once a week talking about the shows and news and articles I read during the week. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
7 Jul

to me 
I answer them because I'm so starved for human interaction that even the negative is something to pass the time between the first of the month each month when I have money and can go to the shops and talk to people and the tellers. But then I go broke and I have to stay home with no one to talk to so I talk to my enemies because in the face of soul crushing loneliness even an enemy can substitute for a friend. That's why I'm so excited to talk to you. A nice voice in a storm of hatred. I answer them out of boredom and loneliness. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
7 Jul

to James 
Wow. I need to say something here and I don't want you to take it the wrong way but you sir are fucked up. You've got a really twisted view of the world and part of me can't help but feel that this is part of the problem. Before I continue can I ask where you get your world view from? Do your parents feel the same way as you do because I've found in a lot of cases a person's parents and the way they were raised has a lot to do with how they act and react to the world.

I was raised by a couple of solid, down to earth folk. My Mom was a housewife for the first few years of my life. I'd wake up and she'd make me breakfast. I'd come home from school and she was there. She always had dinner on the table for my Dad when he showed up from work and took care of the finances. When I was old enough she went back to work as a waitress and this meant that sometimes I'd wind up going to the restaurant after school to wait for her to finish her shift which usually was done by the time I got there. My Dad worked six days a week, technically only a couple of hours on Saturday but he was only really off on Sundays so Sundays were family day in my house when I was young. We'd do something as a family whether it was going out to see a movie, going to a park or to see something interesting or just stay home and do whatever. They taught me different things. Things like all people are equal. Everybody deserves a second chance. Never talk poorly about a person if you can help it. You know, basic liberal stuff. Not that I'm talking poorly of liberals but I find myself to have more centrist or center left views than they do on certain things. That's not to say they were hippies or anything like that but they were a lot more left wing when I was growing up. But at the same time I was taught a strong work ethic and the government doesn't really owe you anything beyond the basics but even then unless you truly can't get out of it yourself you should never rely on them.

I'm curious as to what shaped you?

Alright, onto the e-mail and since there's no real response to #1 we'll treat #2 as the new #1.

1. Bullshit. We're all neurotic and have our foibles and failings. None of us are perfect so why act as if you expect others to treat you as perfect. You just need to find the right girl which means you need to look for her.

I never told you how I met my wife. All my life I had a massive case of yellow fever meaning I loved Asian women. Still to this day almost nothing gets me hard like an Asian woman. It was just after college during one of my forays to find another Asian to add to my conquests when I spotted one having a coffee with her friend. Well sights set, I worked up a pick-up line which I can't remember at the moment and then the moment happened when I delivered it and glanced at her friend. I swear the world stopped. Here was a woman, she wasn't "perfect" in any way in fact she was kinda nerdy looking with glasses and her mousy brown hair pulled back but her eyes were alive. I swear I lost the ability to speak for a moment because once I looked into her eyes I was speechless. They were a soft almond brown, she had a sprinkling of freckles on her nose and cheeks, wasn't dressed very well but I was like a rabbit caught in a pair of headlights. Now I'll admit I'm no Adonis. I'm a little overweight and could stand to lose some, I've got astigmatism so far off things and close up things are blurry and I think I was wearing an old pair of jeans, a T-shirt that read, "Disfunctional by Choice" and a knapsack but I've been called "cute". The Asian girl was forgotten and I felt such a connection to her friend that I turned all my attention to her. 

I introduced myself somehow. She seemed unsure of how to respond and I just sat down without any invitation and started talking to her. To this day I don't know what we talked about but it lasted hours. I suggested we get something to eat and noticed that her friend had left. We had some falafel from a place a couple doors down and I couldn't get over the fact how amazing this woman was. I wanted to know so much about her because she was amazing and she was only too eager to tell me while asking questions about myself that I had no problem answering. We walked around a bit and neither of us wanted to leave so I did the brave thing and invited her back to my place. I was living in a crappy basement apartment at the time. We had some wine, talked, had some more wine, talked some more and it was getting late. I offered her the bed and I'd sleep on the couch but she was having none of it. We shared my bed but didn't do more than just make out a bit. We talked literally until dawn about nothing and it was one of the best conversations I ever had. We had a couple dates, we'd always make out but never took it too far before one night she says she's ready and we did it for the first time. She was amazing. This mousy, nerdy girl was a complete tiger in the sack. It was like a switch had been pulled and she was a different person.

When it was done I knew I had found the person I was looking for. I had never felt this way for anybody before, not even my girlfriend although if it wasn't for certain things we'd probably be married by now but that's a different story. 

But all in all, even though she is the woman I love and married, she's far from perfect. And expecting her to be is highly hypocritical when I myself am far from perfect. 

2. We teach kids because they're stupid and they need to learn. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a child? It's all make believe, really weird ideas on how the world works and pop culture. We teach them to prepare them for the future. We give them an education so that they can prepare for thier lives and be educated even if they never use it. Fact is what you're proposing is not that far away from deciding what a child should learn in order to do the job they're supposed to do and should never try to better themselves through education or learning. 

I don't look back on the education I had as being useless. Sure there are things I will never use but that's not the point. These things actually serve a purpose if people actually bothered to put them into practice. Math for example. A lot of people think that so long as they can do basic math they're okay right? Well how about when you need to figure out the tip at a resturant and want to know how much 15% of the bill is without pulling out a calculator? Or if you're a small business owner and want to know if you accountant is ripping you off? Or even if you want to know what's the maximum you can charge for an item and still make a profit? All these things require a certain level of math knowledge. 

Art, history, geography, chemistry, English etc. They all served a purpose and helped me become the person I am today. Education is a boon, not a hindrance.

3. People will respect you when you show them that you're worthy of respect and not a moment before. My boss respects me because I get the job done. He doesn't have to but he knows that when I get a project I'll bring it in under budget and in the time frame requested. And I'm sure that in a small way you've made the world a better place. You've got your parents right? You say they depend on you for everything you do so that's got to count for something. 

It's like being a shut in or somebody that doesn't go out and put themselves out on the market so to speak. Very few of us are exceptional in the sense that things just fall into our lap and respect is one of those things. You need to show it and you need to give it before you can expect any back your way.

4. You would respect him because you're too concerned about the size of your penis. I don't respect him because really what has he done to deserve such praise? He can get women. Big deal. You could get the same effect by having a fast car, flashy clothes and a lot of money. Or you could go the route of the musician. Or find something that women like and exploit that. But simply having a big dick is not worthy of respect. You really need to get off this worrying about your size. 

And NO. For the last freaking time most women are not size queens. Get that MRA incel red pill bullshit out of your mind. I'm not huge. I'm average at best and I've never had a problem banging some chick. I've never had a woman tell me that I'm too small. I've never had a woman laugh at me when I pull down my pants. I can make a woman cum and trust me that THAT is more important than being well hung. 

Damn you really have a warped sense of what sex is. A woman's vagina is not going to break if you pound her and some women prefer a more gentle and slow way of doing things. This Japanese girl I saw for a while in college kept telling me to take it gently with her. She was tiny but she liked it slow and gentle. While the woman that would be my wife liked it hard and passionate. If you can only find women that want it hard you're fucking the wrong women or they're so worn out down there from fucking anybody and anything they can get that nothing short of an elephant would satisfy them. You have a problem thinking that your experiences apply to everybody. They don't. Remember that.

No. The reason you get money is because in today's world you need it unless you're living totally off the grid, growing your own food and literally making everything you need by hand. I make money because I need to pay for my mortgage. I need to pay for my car. I need to pay for the electricity, water, gas, cable, cellphone, insurance, food, entertainment, alcohol and everything else in this world that requires you to pay them currency for services rendered. That's why you work and that's why you get money for it. Women are just a side effect as it was. If your only reason for making money is to get women than you've got your priorities wrong.

Same for women. They get money so that they don't have to depend on a man. They can be independant. They can buy their own things. Seriously you've got some heavy duty red pill action going on there which is bullshit. My wife and I both work. Technically she doesn't have to because I make enough to cover everything we need but we'd have little left over at the end. Her paycheck helps like you wouldn't believe. What's more she likes having a career. It gives her purpose and we all need purpose in life. 

What is your purpose if you don't mind my asking?

5. Bullshit. Everybody has skills even if they're not marketable and if not you can learn. You can even learn how to act in public or get placed in a job that doesn't require a lot of human interaction.

6. Honestly this sounds more like an excuse than anything else. I thought as you at some point in my life because I felt my parents needed me. I did the heavy lifting, the yardwork, off jobs around the house and the like. At some point my parents asked that while they loved having me around if I maybe wouldn't feel better with a place of my own. I said that they needed me here and they responded that they could make do without me and that part of being a parent is letting the child go sometimes even pushing them out the door. I get wanting to help your parents. I call my Mom all the time and visit and see if there's anything they need but they're fine on their own and if anything they're happy that way.

Okay, I'm just going to put this out there right now that I really don't know how to relate to you. That last bit about getting a home and locking yourself in a bunker underneath it just makes no sense to me. I'm not saying that it's strange or weird because there are people who want to remove themselves from society but that's really taking it far. Do you just not like people? Wouldn't you miss hanging out with your friends? I'm just having a hard time understanding where this desire to separate yourself from the whole world is coming from.

Don't take this the wrong way. I don't want you to go away but maybe if you went into more detail about this idea of yours I could understand it a little better? 

It's late and I got a few thigns to do tonight before going to sleep. Talk to you later.

Rick.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
8 Jul

to me 
Ok. I just read all of that. To boil it all down. I don't know what you mean by how was I brought up? You're gonna have to ask direct questions. My dad is a Republican and has voted as such in every election he has voted in. He doesn't even vote for the individual people he just hits the republican all switch and pulls the lever. Mom never showed any political affiliation that I could tell. I was taken care of but as soon as I was able to take care of myself mom pretty much left me to my own devices in my room watching tv all day. She would make lunch and dinner but breakfast was only on the weekends when dad came home from being a cross country semi truck driver. He was also a marine for years before I was born and a reservist my whole childhood so he wasn't around a lot but when he was I was happy and so was mom but she had the occasional psychotic break because she would start feeling better and go off her meds. I think it was prozac or paxil I don't know. She was on them long before I molested that girl so no that is not what drove her insane. Can you believe that the kiwis thought that's what did it?

Anyway I didn't socialize with the other kids because they always bullied me. I had a friend named Derrick and we hung out but they moved away and I lost touch with them over the years. :(

Anyway at around 12 we left the trailer park and moved into a house in the middle of nowhere. We had neighbors but we hardly ever talked to them. I thought I had a gf she was the same age as me and I was faithful even though I had many offers. Of course she eventually AFTER THREE YEARS told me it was a joke and we were never dating. That was my first ??  I almost took the .45 long colt single action revolver from the filing cabinet and killed myself but I was too much of a coward to actually do it. But let me tell you, I know what gun oil tastes like. Around that time I fell in love with the girl. 

I'm sure you want more but please keep it short the long emails are starting to get overwhelming. Lots of short ones not one big one okay. 

I'm sorry I'm so hung up on sex. Even with 9-12 partners in my past I can't stop thinking about it. 

Many years ago I went into deep meditation and I unlocked my primal mind accessing it to harness it for thought however the door won't close. It's a double edged sword, I got more processing power but it brought with it glitches in the software, to further the metaphor viruses and corruption. So the thoughts that are usually buried deep in the subconscious in most normal people are just mingling in my mind and won't stfu! I take hours to fall asleep because the voices in my head won't shut up. 

I honestly think I would have multiple personality disorder if anyone in there could take control. There's about 13 of us that number fluctuates because they split up and recombine into new people quite often. 

Most of the time it's just Me, then there's molly, she's my feminine side and my lust rolled into one. Then there's moira, Molly and jimmy (my inner child) had a baby together and they made her mostly she is the manifestation of the feminine side I had when I was little that my mom made fun of me for so I had to bury her deep in my psyche. Then there's monster, he's my inner demons, my anger and frustration and rapacious murederous chaotic evil side. He usually stays dormant asleep at the foot of my throne and moira keeps him calm. Then there's my authentic true beautiful self and my name for myself in my head is either "Daddy" or "Big dicked bitch" depending on whom is addressing me. He is me and I am he (and we are all together koo koo kajoob lol) but sorrow has been sitting on daddies lap for quite a while now. Yes, I know it's not very creative but my sadness' name is sorrow. 

My happiness is but a ghost haunting the corners of the throne room in my mind. (Wow that was accidentally poetic, albeit emo whiney teen angst poetry but still poetry)

Fear is pretty much just in the background milling around unless I leave the house during the day and have to talk to people then he is front and center screaming at me to get home as fast as I can. Agoraphobia is a bitch. That's why I want to shut myself off from the world. I'm terrified of the world and all the people in it and I am even scared of myself and that I might someday snap and overreact to some random thing and hurt someone. I know that that's just an ocd fear and I won't actually hurt anyone but I terrify myself. That's why I want to be secluded. 

I'm also scared of hurting someone I make love with so I always try to be super gentle but all the women I've been with have wanted it harder and harder. Only one wanted it gentle and that's only cause she wanted me to fuck her when she was dry she said she came harder then. 

I'm sorry if this is giving you a headache I just need to vent about stuff. 

I'm sorry I sound so red pill I've just had only bad luck with women so I get a bit cynical. 

For now, I'll talk to you later. Let's get back to short emails. Unless you like reading my books lol. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
8 Jul

to James 
First and foremost thank for that but I don't do short emails. If you haven't noticed I ask questions, quite a few, and go off on tangents with my stories before getting back to the point. This has always been the way I've written and talked. Blame my Aspergers if you want but I can't do short. If this is too overwhelming for you then break it up into smaller segments.

When I asked what shaped you I wanted to know what it was that formed you and your ideas? For example you say your father is / was Republican. Did he ever talk politics with you? Did he ever make a remark like Bill Clinton should be in jail? Did he ever imply that Democrats are somehow less American than Republicans. All these things could in some way affect how you see the world. That's why I tried to give you a short example of what my early life was like. I only ask because quite frankly, I find your world view is messed up and it's a jumble of different ideas that don't always have a kind of... connection to each other. For example you say that you're sweet and kind but have this raging hate boner for women. That doesn't work and if you're truly feeling that way then you're not as sweet and kind as you'd like to think you are. 

What about now? How many friends do you have and I don't mean acquaintances like somebody you wave hello to, share a few words and then don't see for a week before doing the same thing. I mean friends. Somebody you can talk to. Somebody who doesn't judge you. Somebody that you've invited over to your house and they do the same? I know that being an Aspie can make friendship difficult but how many are we talking about. The average amount that I've discovered looking at myself and others that I know is about four or five. 

If you can't stop thinking about sex maybe there's a problem with you. I don't mean that in a bad way but maybe you're a sexoholic or whatever they call those people who think about sex all the time. You might want to consider speaking to somebody about that and maybe looking to see if there are support groups in your area for that.

Okay, and now we're getting into what I like to call, "poetic bullshit". From here on in, that part of "unlocking your primal mind" and "gaining more processing power" honestly sounds like something out of a comic book or bad sci-fi novel. You say you hear voices in your head? There's a condition out there called "schizophrenia" where people hear voices in their own head, sometimes more than one speaking to them all the time. It usually manifests itself during teenage years or early adulthood. The fact that you say you have thirteen but they split up and recombine adds some weight to that. Do ones like "Molly", "Moira", "Jimmy" and the like also split up and recombine into new people? If they don't and they're always there, then it really sounds like you're faking even though you might not be aware of it. If they do then that's a pretty good example that you really should see somebody. I've got an aunt that has schizophrenia and when she's on her meds she's fine. When she's off her meds that's when things can go badly because that's when the paranoia starts to set in and like you she has voices in her head that tell her things although she attributes those to Jesus and Satan. 

And agoraphobia I can totally get behind. I've got no issues with it but I do have more than a touch of social anxiety and large groups make me nervous although you normally wouldn't be able to tell. If I'm surrounded by friends, family and people I know however I'm perfectly fine. 

Again, you've got this warped view of women. My guess is they wanted it harder because you weren't giving them what they needed. Sometimes a good hard fuck where you just slam into her and get that meaty slap when you come together is satisfying. It's like angry sex or makeup sex. You take all that anger and passion and hate and just let it fuel you. You bite, scratch and claw at each other, not enough to actually hurt but it's far from gentle. And then halfway through you forget what you were angry about and it's just pure passion from there on in. It's usually over a lot quicker but it feels more real than something slow and gentle. Not knocking slow and gentle though but that's the time for light kisses and gentle caresses and it's less about the sex than it is about the person you're with. You make it last because you don't want it to end. This is a gift that you're giving the other person and they in return are giving you the same thing. Some women like it rough, some like it gentle, some like it hard and some like it soft and the same woman could want it different ways at different times. It's all part of being human.

We've all been there with women but a lot of that, at least in my mind, has to do with how it is you react to them. I'll be the first to say that women don't owe you anything. My wife owes me certain things because we're married and I in turn owe her certain things. It's a partnership that we have and each one has responsibilities not only to ourselves but to the other one. And yes, sex is one of those things but even though we've been married going on seven years it hasn't gotten to be routine and while she might not always be receptive to it just like there are nights that I might not be, we have a deal that neither one of us goes to bed horny and unless the other one is sleeping, sick or physically unable to perform then we do it. Funny story, one night several years back we were laying down to bed and I feel her slide over, throw a leg over and start running her hand over my chest. I mumble something about not really being in the mood tonight when she then gets on top and says, "me want Snu-Snu!" which was so unexpected that I had no choice but to laugh and we did it. Then a couple days later I wanted Snu-Snu and that's when we came up with the whole idea of not going to bed horny. And just because you haven't found the right one doesn't mean she isn't still out there.

There's a chance that I won't be able to respond before Sunday as I'm out of town meeting my girlfriend. It's maybe a three hour drive to get out there but with weekend traffic and everything I might not be back before late Sunday afternoon. So if I don't respond in time it's because of that and not because I'm ignoring you.

Later.

Rick.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
8 Jul

to me 
Yes there was a lot of anti democratic rhetoric in my house growing up and dad is (as am I) a huge Rush Limbaugh fan. He still is republican as far as I know. Personally I have mostly conservative ideals on a personal level and I would prefer a republican president however I also am a proponent of ? if it can be done without being corrupted by those in power. I believe in whatever a blend of conservative republicanism without religious ideology fucking up the social progress. As well as the idea "all gets to their needs all work to their ability" of ? if a person needs something he/she gets it be it food, clothes, housing, or medical care and medicine and if there is a job that needs doing and you can do it you get the job and everyone contributes even if it is merely to be a companion to another invalid. Like, my dream job would be a stockboy at Walmart or some other big store but with the ability to sit down about every 15 minutes or so for 5 minutes and to do that for a few hours a day still live off my ssi but have a little more pocket money and human interaction but not have to go in. Like just if I'm bored I can go clock in hang out help out where it's needed and when I get tired just let them know I'm heading out and clock out. Maybe get something from the deli and have it docked from my pay and go home. But I know that there are no jobs like that where you literally work for food. Anyway sorry for that digression but back to politics.
 I'm into personal freedom and responsibility but if a person is physically or mentally handicapped like I am then it is the responsibility of the government to provide for its citizens. 

There should be social programs that give people work like temp agencies but run by the government and if a person can do limited work and they want to work then they should be allowed to. 

Like me if I could like for instance go to a restaurant and cook and clean for an hour or two (or however long it took for me to be bored or in pain as long as I did do something) and get a sandwich or a few dollars like that "so all can eat" place in san francisco then I would love to do that. Just like say sweep up the dining room or clean the kitchen whatever and in exchange get food or a small amount of money I would do that but I can't do an 8 hour shift. I did a 16 hour shift at Taco Bell once and up to that point I had never drank except maybe a shot on a bad day in high school and snuck a swallow from the apple pucker or whiskey etc. I was in so much pain I took 4 alieve pills and like 7 shots of whiskey and slept for 2 days straight and I was still sore when I woke up. So like seriously an hour or two for like a subway sandwich and a large drink. And that would be good for me. 

I don't hate women. I mean yeah I'm a bit misogynistic at times but I can also be misandrist at times too. I hate all NTs. 

I do my best to try to be kind and polite in my personal irl life but these people have a "hateboner" as you call it for me. 

And even if I do hate women it's only because my limited experience with them has all been negative. I have never had a mutual break up. I have always been dumped or the one time I dumped a woman it's because she cheated on me. Which was a blessing in disguise because she turned out to be an ACTUAL child molester. She and her ex molested a 6 MONTH old girl together. Now even as mildly pedophilic as I may be babies are too far. 6 years old and up (for others not me, the youngest I ever fancied was 9 and that was years ago 18 are children to me now and fulfill the pedo urges quite well now that I'm 30, and I actually prefer older women given the choice) I'm saying that is the youngest I can understand being attracted to even though I don't share the attraction. Sorry if that is hard to understand. Personally even if aoc was abolished I would still only want to date women in their 20's but I would probably play with 14+ and since it wouldn't be verboten to be in a relationship with a little girl I wouldn't be in a relationship with one but I would be friends with them because I would not fear suspicion because I would not be breaking any laws and I would not be hauled in on suspicion of it. Sorry for rambling again. I'm a little keyed up from going out today. 

I have 1 friend. That's it. And I actually haven't heard from him in a while and I'm starting to worry. 

I actually have thought about trying to find a sex addicts support group, but I fear my own sociopathy will make me try to prey on the women in the group and I would have to make a conscious effort to avoid not fucking them and I have trouble with not trying to get laid. 

Yeah the schizophrenia did set in in my teens actually it was when I lost the girl. My mind fractured as a coping mechanism to deal with it because it felt like I lost my wife because that is how I saw her in my minds eye. So I basically became a widower of sorts when I stopped seeing her each week. 

Yes my main personalities fracture and shuffle but it takes a great trauma for the mains to break up. 

Why would people like angry sex? I'm sorry but that sounds rapey to me. If I am having sex with my girlfriend and I'm mad at her, it doesn't matter if she consents and enjoys it that would still be rape. Violence has no place in sex in my opinion. So women are confusing as fuck because like I have said, they want to be raped they just want to choose when and who rapes them. 

I HATE!!! Rough sex I only enjoy gentle lovemaking unless I'm mad at my girlfriend and I'm punishing her by hurting her with my dick or a spanking. 

Sex to me isn't about cumming it's about intimacy and lovemaking. 

If all your using sex for is cumming then you may as well jerk off. 

Ok. Does your gf enjoy being came inside of or do you always have to use a condom or pull out? 

Also (please don't be jealous I am not trying to offend) do you think she would let you take a picture of her boobs and let me see them I'm addicted to boobs and I especially like seeing ones that are attached to a woman I either know, or know she isn't a porn star. I would also like to see your wife but I won't ask for that, you put a ring on it so you wouldn't have to share. But if you are willing to show I'd be happy to see. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
10 Jul

to James 
What a weekend. Sex sex, eat, more sex, walk around, see the sights, sex, cook, eat, sex and a goodbye blowjob before I leave. If she's still there in a month, I'll be coming back to see her then. So I sit down with my wife, we reconnect and make sure everything is okay with her. She actually liked having the place to herself this weekend, it was relaxing. Now it's my favorite time of the day which is coffee time and I'll be getting on with the e-mail now. 

And before we get started, no. No pictures of my GF or my wife's tits because both of those are crossing a line. I don't ask another guy for a picture of his wife or girlfriend's tits and I will not under any circumstances give a copy to anybody else. There are loads of pictures of tits on the internet so really there's no reason to ask for a couple that are so close to me. Besides not only do I not have any for myself, I worked in IT and I know that once pictures get out onto the internet they're there to stay. Not that you'll upload them but there's a chance that somebody somewhere will see them and make some kind of connection to either woman. So no. And we never speak of this again. 

Okay because I'm from a long line of Democrats and personally think that Rush Limbaugh is a pompous windbag who's more interested in manufacturing drama than actually saying anything true. That's not to say that Republicans are bad people, far from it but it's just a different way of looking at the world. 

Communism AND conservative? How does that work because I honestly can't see it. Communism is all about the collective and each according to his own working towards the good of the state. If we follow Marx's teachings to the extreme then there is no more government, police force or anything of that nature because people will govern themselves. It's also a total pipe dream because if Communism worked, we'd all be Communist by now. This is why Capitalism has effectively taken over every single government out there. Even the most staunch Communist state can't rely on pure communism and must have some capitalist system for it to work. Look at China, they're slowly bringing it in even if it's only being used to benefit the elite. They're of course trying to avoid some of the problems Russia faced when they moved too quickly to a capitalist system. Other places like Cuba has it's tourism, Venzuela has it's oil and North Korea has it's factories that are a joint effort with either China or South Korea. But getting back to Communist and Conservative, how do you justify two modes of government that are really diametrically opposed to each other? 

Within reason I feel the government has a role to play. I don't feel anybody should go hungry. I don't feel anybody should get sick and wind up losing their house to pay for an operation. But at the same time if somebody is able to work but is unwilling to do so I have a problem with that. And work pays better than SSI anyway. Can I ask how much you make a month? 

There are places that allow you to work for your food, dunno if there are any where you are but I've heard of them. One place I had visited a long time ago in Canada of all places had a sort of "passport" system. You got one when you enterred and there were like food stations all over the place. You'd walk up and order whatever from the station you wanted. Whenever you'd order something they'd stamp it. The idea being that everybody got one and everybody needed to present their passport when they left. And it was written at the bottom if you didn't present one you'd have to pay something like $125 OR spend 8 hours washing dishes. But why can't you do an eight hour shift? I agree working a double is bad but just a regular shift or maybe some kind of part time work? I think so long as you don't work more than a certain amount a week, like 25 hours or something, you can do that and still get SSI. That might be something to look into because some places do sometimes need somebody to fill in for a couple hours here and there. I knew a guy who worked after hours as a MAC technician. That has nothing to do with Apple. It stands for "Move And Change". He'd wind up going to I think it was Morgan Stanley or Lehman Brothers onto the trading floor and literally move one or two PCs from one desk to another. He had to set up the systems exactly as they were before and test them before he left but he was getting something like $50 an hour to do this. Maybe four hours a week for $50 an hour and it adds up at the end of the month. Good luck getting something like that but it's always an idea. Or maybe are you good with computers or something like that? Maybe you could help people with their PCs? I don't know I'm just trying to think of a way for you to make some more cash.

So it's not just women you hate, you hate people in general and NTs specifically. All NTs? Or is it more along the lines of you hate what they represent and it's not so much them as what they're able to do and you can't?  

So are you changing how you look at the world? Just the other day you said that you would be with a child if the laws were abolished, she came onto you specficially and you were in love with her. What made you change your mind? 

I get that it's hard to make friends but it's really something that I feel everybody should work at. I mean other than my wife and GF I've got maybe 4-5 good friends, dozens of acquaintances, some professional and work related friends and you know that guy that pumps your gas or the cute girl at the checkout aisle or even people at your bank. But I have to work at those friendships and it's doubly hard being the Aspie that I am. But I make it work because I need something like that. These people keep me "sane" and "normal". My best friend will literally come out and say something like, "you're acting like a faggot stop it" when I get too carried away and that brings me back. I then turn to him and say something like, "keep wishing, you'll never get up on this" and slap my ass in a saucy way. From anybody else that would be weird but we've known each other since grade school so it's okay. He was the best man at my wedding. I was the best man at his and he's the closest thing to a brother that I'll ever have. My wife does the same thing. If I'm acting out and I don't realize it she'll tell me. I've asked her to do this and I've asked her to be blunt about it.

What this sounds like is you're sabotaging yourself before you even try. You're afraid of taking that first step so you tell yourself that it's not going to work and that you'll prey on the women. Here's the thing though. Even nymphos and those with a sex addiction won't just do anybody. Or see if maybe you can find a group only for men. I'm sure there's got to be something out there for you.

Thought so on the schizophrenia. Have you ever spoken to a doctor about this? Maybe gotten some kind of medication to help stabilize you and smooth you out a bit? 

As I said, it's passion and unless you've experienced it I doubt you could understand it. It's like eating sushi for the first time. It's raw fish on rice and it sounds gross as hell but you try it and it doesn't taste fishy at all in fact it's bloody delicious. You channel all that anger and that rage and get super aggressive and halfway through you're still aggressive but you're just on fire with passion. It's not rape because rape isn't about sex, it's about power and control. Angry sex is still about sex. It's not violence because you're not hitting her. I might get some scratches or nail marks on my back and ass but it's not rape. You have to understand that rough sex is just that, rough sex. Rape is taking somebody against their will and had my wife said at any point to get off of her I would. She's actually instigated small fights just for the rougher sex when she feels like it. Normal sex is great but angry sex when done right can be amazing. When you get down to it, there's a bit of dominance going on and if you're a more sensual lover you might not get it. No harm no foul. 

No. Sex is both those things. Fucking is getting off with somebody. You get yours and they get theirs. This can be a random hookup, one night stand or just sex because you need to cum right now. Sure if your partner isn't in the mood you can take matters in hand as it were but if they're there and they're willing to help you out with the understanding that you will also help them out when they need it there's no problem.  Making love is when you're with that one special somebody that you care for and it's less about your pleasure and orgasm than it is about theirs. Yes, I do need to cum if I'm making love to my wife or girlfriend as do they. But that's the secondary thing to everything else. Hearing her sigh when I kiss that one special spot where her neck meets her shoulder. Feeling her purr when I stroke her body. That one breathy gasp she gives when I enter her for the first time and the little cries and animal noises of pleasure she gives as I work her body like the finely tuned instrument it is is truly music to my ears. I can get lost in her reactions and because I want to see them I make sure she gets as many of them as possible.

She got herself fixed a long time ago because she didn't want to have children. Part of her feared that her maternal instincts might not be strong enough for her pedophillic instincts especially when the child is really young, innocent and not ashamed of their body. So she got her tubes tied. I remember freaking out a bit when I actually came in her the first time. Honestly it was the first time I came, I think I was fifteen or sixteen. Yeah, I was a late bloomer. But while I knew what it was I was afraid that she'd want to get rid of me or that I'd get her pregnant. Truth be told she was already on the pill at that point because she knew that one day I would but she hoped it was later rather than sooner. But she liked it in part because it was me but she said that when I did cum in her it felt warm and she's called it "liquid love" ever since. Since then she's swallowed more times than I can count and sometimes has wanted me to cum on her to see how it felt but I've never really liked that because it feels degrading in a way. But if it's what she wants then I'm happy to do it. 

Sorry man I'm done for the moment. It's been a long weekend, wife's calling me for dinner and I'm tired. So I'll talk to you later.

Rick

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
11 Jul

to me 
Understood. 

I love Rush. He is a good man and from all accounts he's nice even with people he disagrees with. A quote that until a few years ago I thought he had made up but wasn't actually his but he repeated it and I agree with it. " I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." And I have tried (and admittedly failed on occasion) to live up to that sentiment.

I believe in social conservatism. Living by a moral code, yes that code has been updated from time to time but the core values are there. Basically there are just certain things that you do and ways you carry yourself and interact with others. I personally see it as be accepting of other people and lifestyles but don't be boastful. i/E "you're gay? Good for you, happy for you. Now... Shut up about it already. Whereas liberals want to point out differences and celebrate them. I say "who gives a fuck?" I do my thing you do yours if there's overlap cool if not that's cool too. Don't be ashamed of who or what you are but also don't be proud of it either, just fucking exist. Sorry to be so rude about it but it just bothers me when liberals make such a production of their acceptance when the truth is, you see people as other even when you try to accept them when republicans we just see everyone as the same with some small differences, we acknowledge then shut up about it. Like gay pride, why with the "pride" if they want acceptance call it "gay acceptance" or "gay equality" it's the "pride" that people hate. Get over yourself sheila nobody gives a fuck what you do with your genitals except when you draw attention to it. Homophobes are a dying breed just wait a few decades and they'll be as rare as kkk members today. It's not going to happen fast just accept that. 

I'm more of a communist in the hippie way like on the local government level that the community should all help each other and neighbors know each other basically small town life like Stars Hollow in Gilmore Girls (adore that show) or Mayberry or other small communities and communes etc but with capitalism going on as well selling and trading I also think that we should bring back the barter system at certain places that could do it well. Like flea markets and thrift stores etc. so basically the way the amish and other cults live sounds good to me. I'm sorry if this is confusing. I have had decades to think about these things you have only been exposed for a few days. I'm sorry you feel they are so incompatible. Any ideologies can be melded if you find enough common ground and then each side makes concessions to choose which ideas work best when working together.  

To have no police etc isn't communism it's anarchy. If anarchy really occurred it would be the purge in a matter of weeks. 

China is awesome, keeping the best parts of communism and chucking out the ?? . Hopefully they finally work out the kinks and when they perfect it we'll adopt that system.  

I'm willing to work but I have chronic pain in my bones and joints and I can't work consistently, hell as I write this my back is killing me and my right thigh. I'm getting ssi for mental illness but I could just as easily get it for physical stuff too. The amount of pain meds it would take to get rid of the pain enough to allow me to work would leave me too zonked out or high to actually be able to work. My life is hell I'm never not in pain somewhere unless I am soaked in Absorbine horse liniment and several shots drunk. And I was hurting this bad before the wreck. 

Actually I get more than a minimum wage job. I'm not going to go into specifics but After all the bills are paid I only have roughly 200$ for incidentals during the month and 38$ in food stamps. Usually I buy either one big thing or a bunch of small stuff. And the lot of little things is what happens most.  
I buy movies and books mostly. Or exotic foods or something. Take out or the stuff mom and dad don't buy like fruits and vegetables and I on rare occasions buy a chuck roast and bake it and eat it all in one or 2 sittings. I know it's bad for me and I don't care.

I'm not great with computers but I'm computer illiterate. I don't think I could get a job with them though. 

Yeah it's mainly the fact that the rules of society aren't written down and even if they were they change so often it's impossible to keep up. I always feel like either a fossil or ahead of my time. 

I change my mind any time I make a realization about myself. Just earlier I realized the reason for my pedophilia is a nostalgia for when I was a little boy and had many girlfriends and I miss the happiness and innocence of those days but I know I can never get those days back so I don't have those desires anymore except maybe subconsciously. My mind shifts around a lot and reorganizes with new information and feelings. 

Why does your friend berate you for acting "like a faggot" why is that so bad? I'm in touch with my feminine side and can be a bit "swishy" at times. Why is male effeminacy so hated? Emotions are important and healthy, they help us grow as human beings. I hate that I am thought less of when I display my feelings. 

I guess I'll try looking into it but I'm scared okay. What if I go and the only help is 12 step or something. What if they say I can't have a relationship for a year or something? I'm just scared of change especially personal change unless it is a self actualizing change where I have an epiphany that blows my mind. I guess I've been self sabotaging my whole life. I am just terrified of change. What if it's for the worse? 

I'm sorry thought what on the schizophrenia? We talk about so many things I forgot what was said. No I haven't talked to a doctor about it. I'm afraid of being committed and since I can't get better I'm afraid I would be in there for life. I don't want that anymore after learning what kinds of hell holes asylums really are. They make prison look like a spa by comparison and with how small this town is I doubt that the psychiatric facilities are any good. I went to a psychiatric hospital in joliet for depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings I said whatever I had to to get out of there and I didn't get any help while I was there except a prescription for prozac which didn't do anything to me. 

I tried sushi it was disgusting. 

But that's besides the point. Yes I am a sensuous lover as most Taureans are. I will never understand why some people want it rough. 

I only like sex when we both want it and it's lovemaking. Everything else is just using the other person as a fleshlight or a dildo. I'm sorry to be judgemental. And god knows I have been guilty of just shoving it in and using my ex girlfriend that way but I always felt awful after I purged the poison that cum is from my system. 

Ttyl. Damn that wore me out. I think I've been writing for over an hour. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
11 Jul

to James 
You know what's good? Waking up in the morning feeling refreshed and not tired in any way. Granted all the sex and travel over the past few days might have contributed to that fact. Damn, it's already July 11th. Summer is practically halfway done. Where did all the time go? Although I will be happy when it cools down a bit. I'm not one much for the heat. Maybe I should move to Canada.

What I don't like about Rush is that he's a blowhard. He'll say something insulting or that is untrue and when called on it will make a big deal about the whole thing. Sure he can say what he wants but he can't say something positive that he himself has decried in the past. It just becomes a game of, "what can I say to put the other side down". I'm aware that he probably doesn't mean half the things he really says but that's not really the point. On that we're going to have to disagree.

But Communism and Conservatism are at two opposite sides of the politcal spectrum. Communism is all about the collective and what you do to serve the collective to the best of your ability. You get no pay for what you do but the state will provide you with everything you need including food, medicine and housing. Conservatism is all about keeping the status quo and a preference for the existing order in society. In other words, things should either stay the way they are or change slowly. It's based on tradition, stratification and a preservation of ideals and concepts. Communism is far left and Conservatism is right. The closest I can get to understanding how you can hold two diametrically opposing views is by simply pointing to the middle and calling you a Centrist but that's only half the idea. Have you considered that maybe you're not as conservative as you think you are? Let's examine this.

Living by a moral code. This is not necessarily conservative or liberal in any way. It just means you have concepts and ideas that you will not cross no matter what. I too have the same thing but I'm far from Conservative in any way. So that's not really a trait that only Conservatives have. Or maybe it's your definition of Liberal or concept thereof that's different. Can I ask what does Liberal mean to you? If you've been listening to Rush and heard a lot of things against the Democrats growing up it might have managed to color your experiences. 

Just a few questions and I'd like to know your feelings on the following things:

1) Gay marriage.
2) Legalization of drugs both hard like cocaine and heroin and soft like marijuana.
3) Legal drinking age.
4) Alcohol in general.
5) Sex & violence on TV and movies.
6) Whether children need to be protected or should they be exposed to different ideas.
7) Prostitution.
8) Assisted suicide or euthenasia.
9) Pro-life or Pro-choice?

And as it's only fair, I'll let you know mine.

1) Really don't care about this and I don't see why it's such a big problem. Let them marry, let them get divorced. Who cares what they do behind closed doors.
2) I feel soft drugs like marijuana should be legalized but they need to be controlled somehow. Look at Amsterdam and their pot cafes. Have a system like that. Hard drugs, it's hard to say because they can really kill and cause problems but who am I to say what you put into your body? People drink and that's a poison. People smoke and that's a poison. There ought to be a way for these people to get high but keep them safe at the same time. 
3) I don't see a problem with the drinking age per se although it could stand to be a little lower like the rest of the world but we need to change our view of alcohol which comes next.
4) Alcohol for all the evil it causes is still just a drink. In creating a mystique around it, we create a demand for it. In having somebody say that alcohol can't be consumed in the house and must be drunk outside, or can't be taken before 5pm is just stupid. Jesus drank wine and part of that reason was it was safer than drinking the water but while he spoke against public drunkenness to the point where you're stumbling about there's no problem with alcohol in the actual bible.
5) Too much violence, not enough sex. When you see massive acts of violence on TV, news reports of shootings and the country freaks out over a semi-covered nipple on national TV you know we have our priorities wrong.
6) Children need to be taught a lot of things. They're not stupid but they need to be exposed to things that make them think. That's not to say a child of ten should be allowed to watch hardcore porn or see a movie that's rated R but their young minds aren't the fragile things we make them out to be. 
7) It should be totally 100% legal but again like Amsterdam or Nevada where it's safe, the women are cared for and not doing this under duress from their pimps. They get medical care and don't need to be forced into it to pay the rent. 
8) Again, totally for this if there's a reason for it. Just being depressed isn't enough because it that was the case, everybody would kill themselves after getting dumped the first time. If there's a medical reason like you have constant pain that will not get better, will eventually lose your mind, wind up with a wasting disease that will rob you of your mobility and dignity then I'm all for it. And for terminally ill patients, give them all the drugs they want. Let them try heroin. Shoot them full of morphene. Allow them to get hooked on crack because why not?
9) Pro-choice within reason. While I don't agree that it should be used as a form of birth control, there are always exceptions to the rule but within the first trimester definitely and especially if the mother's life is in danger, the child will be born with an incurable disease or will have a reduced life expectancy or something like that. And if a woman keeps coming in for it, she get counseling and maybe get her tubes tied.

But that's the final stage of communism that Marx envisionned. No state because it's unecessary. No government because we'd govern ourselved. No police because we'd police ourselves. Nothing other than the collective. Call it anarchy if you want, I'm just going by what it is he said in his works. And there would be no purge simply because this would have been growing for generations. I'm not saying it can happen because it's stupid and real life is nothing like what Marx envisioned. He was an average economist and a terrible humanist who misunderstood the human condition and that we're all 24 hours and three meals away from anarchy. While some might be able to rise above that, just looking at TV and shows like TMZ show me that we're not.

Uhmmmm no. China is not awesome. Far from it. There's no checks and balances. People die every year because there's no regulations. They're literally barbarians. The Ugly American tourist has been replaced with the Ugly Mainland Chinese tourist. When you have a kid who carved his name into an Egyptian tomb and didn't care you have problems. When you have two kids who's parents allowed them to play with an art exhibit and break it and they didn't care, you have a problem. When you have people who drop trou and take a shit on the sidewalk, train or literally in the middle of the row on an airplane you know you have a problem. The real issue with China is that we're responsible for them and the state they're in. We gave them this money they have by moving all our manufacturing over to them. They're literally fifty years away form ruling the world provided their bubble economy doesn't bankrupt us first. Be afraid of China. 

What happened for you to be in such pain? Was this a gradual thing like, I don't know, once you got to 300 pounds your joints started hurting more and it just took off from there? And you mention a wreck? Were you in an accident?

Nothing wrong with a good chuck roast. It's a cheap cut of meat that benefits from cooking it low and slow but damn it's tasty. It's actually one of my favorite cuts to work with. A good blade or chuck roast and you can make so many things with it. A nice chunky chili. Braise it with onions and serve with noodles. Add some mushrooms, garlic, herbs and sour cream and you have a stroganoff. Use red wine, bacon, mushrooms and onions and you have a Boeuf Bourginon. Grind it up and make some awesome burgers. The possibilities are endless. But at least you're not actually missing anything which is a good thing.

It was just an idea if you had some skill there. It is possible to learn. I mean I learned all on my own and most of that was from playing around with my first PC and seeing what I could do to make it break. But again, just an idea to see if you could make some extra cash. I mean $38 isn't much at the end of the month.

So would it be safe to say that your views on a lot of things change with the times and as new information comes to light? 

You're really getting stuck on the word "faggot" when it doesn't necessarily mean a gay man. In the common vernacular it could simply mean that a person is acting stupid. Have you never heard somebody say, "that's so gay" when there's nothing specifically homosexual about it? The word gay didn't always mean homosexual and it meant happy and carefree. Just like faggot meant a bundle of sticks or if you go further back it meant a servant or a shrill and shrewish woman. Words change meaning and he's not telling me I'm acting like a homosexual. It's his way of saying I'm acting wierd. 

No reason to be scared of it. Sure the whole 12 Steps thing is bullshit but sometimes just talking about it with other people that feel the same way can be a good thing. And they're not going to tell you what you can and can't do simply that you recognize there's a problem and work towards fixing it. That is unless you feel this isn't a problem in which case it's up to you how you want to proceed. And it really sounds to me that you are trying to sabotage yourself before you even start because you know you're wrong and don't want to admit it to yourself. 

I just thought that when you mentioned voices that you were schizophrenic. Normal people don't hear voices in their head and have individual characters running around there and in some cases "fronting". It's very tumblereque and special snowflakeish. Fact is true multiple personalities are rare to the point where some psychiatrists don't believe they actually exist and it's something else going on inside people's heads. And you won't be committed unless you a) ask for it or b) are literally such a danger to yourself and others that your parents or somebody in charge goes in front of a judge and swears that you need to be sent away. In which case they can and will hold you for 24-48 hours for observation but without a court order they can't hold you beyond that point if you're cool, calm and collected. I'd give it a try if for no other reason than to give yourself some peace of mind.

Considering you're in Indiana and very far from the ocean, I can understand why you feel that way. Sushi must be fresh and if you're landlocked as you are, it's going to be expensive as hell for the good stuff so you wind up getting the crap stuff. But trust me. Good sushi is awesome. 

As I said if you can't understand it I'm not going to press the issue because I'm not going to convince you. But I will say that horoscopes are bullshit. How can a group of stars hundreds and in some cases thousands of light years from us affect your personality and that of everybody else born between certain dates in the same way. We see what it is we want to see in ourselves, we ignore that which we don't want to see and it's been shown to be very much a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words because Taureans are a, b and c that you've subconsciously made yourself into that kind of person.

Again, that's your preference and I'm not going to say you're wrong. But you need to understand that not everybody feels the same way when it comes to sex. There are times I fuck my wife or my girlfriend, there are times they fuck me back and there are times we make love. Sometimes one becomes the other. Sometimes it starts one way and changes somewhere in the middle. Sometimes she's making love to me and I'm fucking her and vice versa. And cum isn't "poison". Really, and I'm sorry if I keep coming back to this, but just because you've had some bad experiences with women and prefer to do it gently doesn't make the act itself or your desire for it evil. This is another reason why you should be talking to a professional about this. 

Now that I'm caught up I got things to do. Later.

Rick 
...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
11 Jul

to me 
Ok then what system is it when everyone is responsible for their own lives and can get rich if they work hard enough but nobody is allowed to be poor homeless or sick? Where if you work hard enough you can go far but if you don't have those certain advantages society helps you survive? Where everyone is given a job and works for their keep and can advance in their field and if you're interested in something and are qualified and there is a job opening it is a meritocracy in who is chosen for the job? Actually yes I am a bit of a centrist with democrat leanings but I have researched the presidents and we usually have good economy and civil unrest during democrat terms and civil harmony and a bad economy during republican terms and quite frankly I'd prefer us all be broke and getting along helping each other rather than be rich and greedily ignoring the problems of our brothers and sisters below the poverty line. When all you've got is nothing there's a lot to go around. 

I believe in the Star Trek model of communism. Everyone does their work and gets credits for it and that pays for their housing on ship or wherever and medical care etc. I'm sorry that it's so hard to understand. I'm saying socially we should be communist and help each other but that we should also award excellence in a field by allowing the person to get rich. 

I actually as a side note I think we should eliminate the existence of the possibility of debt. All the wealth in the world should be evenly distributed every 20 years or so take the richest person knock him down to a comfortable living and put his excess wealth into the worlds debt and keep doing that with the top richest people in the world until there is no debt for anyone ever and then outlaw the process. Make it impossible to have negative money. If you want to buy something you have to have the money in hand or proof that you have it in the bank. The ancestors that made up the possibility of debt were dumbasses. I hate that we moved past the barter system at all I wish we could have still made technological advances without money getting into it. Sorry I'm a dreamer in that regard. 

I agree that things SHOULD change fast and get better but as a pragmatist (or pessimist) know that all change is slow if it happens at all. 

Well "what does liberal mean to me?" Is a loaded question. An example my father taught me when I was little goes as follows "A conservative says "give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime."  Where a liberal says "give a man a fish and give a man a fish and give a man a fish because he's too stupid to learn how to do it himself." Basically to me liberals think with their hearts and conservatives think with their brains. Not saying one or the other is better just saying how it was explained to me. 

Gay marriage idgaf what people do with their genitals and if they want to sign the marriage contract then let them. 

I think all drugs should be legal but should be on a prescription basis but you should be allowed to get high but you have to tell the doctor that's what you intend to do so he can monitor the dose so you don't die but everyone should also pay attention because doctors can sometimes fuck up and give you too much. Just listen to the latest episode of the titus podcast "Goodbye momshell, welcome back" they gave her 100 micro-grains of fentanyl which is the lethal dose. So seriously medicine is dangerous even for trained professionals so just some yayhoo in his basement shouldn't be fucking with that ??. 
I think that the stronger the alcohol the older you have to be to get it like kids should be able to drink beer and teens can drink wine and 20 something can drink whiskey and if you make it to your 30 and older moonshine type stuff that's just my opinion but realistically it should be 13 for anything stronger than a weak beer. Like personally my tolerance is so low one beer and I'm wasted but I sober right back up in 20 minutes. Seriously I am a lightweight to alcohol but I also process it super fast too it's a bitch keeping me drunk I have to drink a toxic amount to stay drunk longer than a half hour and even at my drunkest sober me is still in my head watching me be drunk so I still see what's happening I just have lowered inhibitions and get really gropy. When I'm high On weed I get super into hair like seriously wanna pet anything and anyone seriously give me a joint and a girl that has an erroneous scalp and there will be two very happy people in that room lol. 

Violence needs to go unless it is important to the plot or is a sporting event like wrestling or boxing and we should put slightly more sex in tv but keep the vulgarity out of it. 

Honestly I think we should teach them everything especially social skills and the rules of being a good person but keep it secular. 

Prostitution should be legal across the board and each town should have a brothel where the girls get tested regularly and the prices are regulated and then you have streetwalkers which are cheaper but riskier. 

Anyone who is suicidal should get free counseling until they are no longer suicidal and the people in pain from disease that can't be managed with any meds they should be allowed to die from an overdose. 

Pro life unless the baby will have birth defects the pro choice and actually eugenically say that those babies should be terminated and the people that produced them should be sterilized to remove them from the gene pool so we eventually eradicate those birth defects. Unless they're superior in some other way that benefits society like Down's syndrome people of a certain intelligence because those people are good people and able to access love more easily and we can learn from them. 

I didn't know about the art destruction thing but as for the shitting anywhere I already knew that was common in asia to lift the sewer grate and poop in the sewer and that it was rude to watch someone if they do that. My dad went to Okinawa and he said they did that there. 

I honestly don't know why I'm in pain so much. Actually I was in worse pain at 280 and comfortable at 300 but if I go past 305 I start hurting again. 

Yes I was walking to my gfs trailer and it was in a station wagon plowed into my right side and tossed me like a rag doll and shattered my elbow into 28 pieces and they had to remove 14 and put plates and screws and wire in it. It was 4 years ago and I have not been able to get back to Indianapolis to get it removed. 

Yes my views change when I get new information. 

Yes but those phrases are inherently homophobic. It'd be all the same thing if you said "stop being a nigger" to mean stop being stupid. You may not mean it in a racist way but it is still just as racist.

I have had voices in my head since I was 16 and I didn't discover tumblr until my 20's at the earliest. I hate that those tumblrinas have co-opted mental illness and made it trendy so us real crazies can't get help unless we're dangerous because doctors don't believe us. 

Sushi. My friend from Seattle said it was good and gave me some I hated it the rice felt rotten and slimy and it was sweet YUCK! 
...

Rick <[REDACTED]>
12 Jul

to James 
Hey sorry for not responding but I was so wiped yesterday I just went to sleep early. 

What system? Honestly there isn't one that does that unless you want to consider slightly socailist countries like Canada or most of Europe. You know the ones that have a strong economy but tax the rich and in turn use those taxes to help the citizens. It's definintely not the American system I can tell you that and it's not anything remotely Conservative. If you want a conservative system then imagine the US without [i]any[/i] of the social systems meaning there's no SSI, welfare, medicare, medicaid or even public services like the police, fire department or libraries. Everything is on a pay as you go basis meaning you either pay the police for protection and if you call 911 they'll be there but if you don't pay they'll either not show up or bill you later for it. It's not a fair system and none of us little people will ever manage to really make it big but the potential is there and that's the dream that they sell. So really if you consider yourself a Conservative then you're actually for a system that doesn't benefit you and in fact is working against you.

Yeah that's all well and good but I never understood how the Federation actually worked. It's quasi-military, everybody has a job and everybody is taken care of, there's a president but he's in charge of the entire Federation and whatever. It's never really explained how a system like that works but then that's the beauty of television. You don't have to tell and explain every single detail for people to accept it. 

I don't know about getting rid of debt. Personally I'd be more along the lines of you can't put yourself too far into debt. You have so much money and can buy so many things. Okay, show me you can afford this new car, it costs so much money so show me you are capable of paying for it and that you can continue to pay for it if your funding is lost or temporarily misplaced. If you can pay then you can do it again when you need to. If not then you're prevented from doing it. Nobody needs a car if you have reliable public transportation. The only reason I'd say I wouldn't want to get rid of it completely is because it serves a purpose or at least it should if you pay attention and don't go too deeply into hock. Fact is money has allowed us to create so much more than we would have had we still used the barter system which is also why I believe gold and silver nuts to not understand how economics works. Trying to buy something with a gold or silver coin is much different than using cash or a debit card.

All change isn't slow, the problem is when you have people resistant to change. It's like gay marriage which we'll cover later. How is it affecting you directly what two men or two women are doing in the privacy of their own home. It shouldn't affect anybody in the least. During the 50's and 60's it was scandalous to see a mixed race couple and in some places it was illegal for them to be married. Just get over it, move on with the 21st century and if it doesn't affect you directly then don't worry about it is what I say.

Actually it's not a loaded question unless you yourself have a problem with the idea or the term. And I didn't ask what your father thought of liberals unless you hold the same position as him. What I wanted to know is what you thought liberal meant. As far as I'm concerned it means being open to new and different behaviors or opinions and willing to accept them while discarding tradition if need be. While conservative was essentially sticking with the status quo and not wanting to change or chaging at a glacial pace. 

When it comes to society then I'd much rather live in a liberal area than a conservative area. And the answers you gave are more in line with liberal ideals than conservative. You could say you're a social liberal considering you're okay with gay marriage, prostitution, drugs and the like while a social conservative would be against those things. Same with the side of finances you're more in tune with a fiscal liberal than a fiscal conservative considering you want things like SSI, medicare and a system whereby all members of society are taken care of. So how is it that you can consider thinking of yourself as a conservative? Center-left maybe but there's little to show you're on the right side of things. I'm center-left. I've voted for democrats, republicans, independants and the like but it's usually been for the candidate and what they stood for than the party they were a member of. 

As I said, the mainland Chinese are barbarians. Here's a link to a tour group in Thailand or Singapore I believe at a seafood buffet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSaUbwTR2wg . Can you believe it? They're like animals and the bad part is, they get this for the entire table and then eat maybe half of it while spitting the shells and tails and everything onto the table. And I'm not talking spitting into your hand, no just horking it up and spitting. But the worst part about all this is the place will then pick up the untouched shrimp, throw them back into the steam table and wait for the next Chinese tour group to come along. They're a bunch of nouveau riche assholes who never set foot outside their country and act like they still do there. There are now courses in China to teach them how to act when on vacation. There are signs in some public washrooms asking them to throw their toilet paper into the toilet because in China their system is so bad that toilet paper will clog the drains. I get that some countries customs might seem strange but you do what you can to fit in and not piss off the locals. Chinese have no problem with pissing anybody off. 

Is it just your joints that hurt or the muscles? And do you think that if you tried to lose weight you might have a better time with things? 

Wow. That's horrible but can't the doctors in Muncie take it out and do you think that maybe that might be causing you some grief like one of the plates is releasing something into your system making you sick? I don't know but maybe you ought to speak to somebody about it and see what they say.

But it's not and you're getting hung up on the word itself and not how it's intended. Words only have power when you give it to them. I know what he means. He knows what he means. If you can't get that then that's your problem not ours. 

Tumblr was just an example and your teenage years are typically the time they start but I know what you mean. Too many people are walking around saying they've got Aspergers and it's only because they're assholes and want to remain as such. I got my papers for it, I'm sure you got your papers for it too and only a doctor can actually diagnose you and make with that decision. And just a stupid question, but it's only voices right? Or do these voices sometimes take you over so to speak and instead of James, it's Molly that's speaking and James is pushed to the background? 

Then it sounds like you had bad sushi is what I'm saying. Good sushi rice should be slightly firm with a fair amount of stickyness and should be balanced between sweet and sour. There is sugar and vinegar mised in with the sushi rice. Then depending on the topping you get it can be something that most people like the first time around like tuna or it could be something that you need to work your way up to like sea urchin. I've been to Japan once and we had some great sushi when we were there. And even with all the Asian influence on the West Coast it still tasted better over there than it does here and cost only a fraction of the amount. 

So how are things with you other than that? Anything new and exciting in your life? 

Talk to you later,

Rick 
...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
12 Jul

to me 
No. The doctors here in Muncie refuse to touch it there are orthopedic surgeons here but they're only for small injuries like fingers and sports injuries and they won't see you without insurance or $50 every time you go in. The plates are probably stainless steel. I think he had to build it from scratch. He said the only other elbow he ever saw damaged that bad was shot with a shotgun blast and he was amazed by how shattered it was. But it isn't that that's causing the pain. I was in constant pain before the wreck. Actually the wreck fixed my back problems for about 4 years and it's only recently started hurting as bad as it did before I was hit. I just need some like 7 foot tall 500 lb guy to pick me up and pop my back. It took a car accident to actually align my back correctly it was like a chiropractic adjustment lol. 

They don't take over completely but they sit in james' lap and influence me. Like when I'm depressed, sorrow is sitting in my lap or when I'm horny lust in sitting there. Anger the wolf doesn't sit in my lap though he just strains at his chains but he gives up easy and the only times I ever hit anyone he snapped the chain and took over and I blacked out and didn't witness the attack and then when I came too I was on the floor of the throneroom with the other emotions hovering around me concerned and anger was asleep at the foot of the thrown with a big smile on his face I pick up the chains weld it back together and sit down exhausted back in my thrown and I see myself either still beating the person or being pulled off snarling and then I take over and calm down and usually start sobbing because I'm upset anger got loose. And either Molly or sorrow comfort me and I get back to the task of piloting the ship that is my body. So they usually trust my judgment and james is the captain and I run the ship most of the time. When I was little "Jr" ran everything but he died when I hit 7 and started puberty and jimmy was born and took over and he was a dumbass. Jimmy was the one that fucked that girl not james. I didn't even exist yet. Anyway jimmy is still skulking around, he isn't in the throne room but he visits sometimes and helps me not be too serious and lightens the mood but I usually make him leave if he tries to get me to do anything stupid. I became james when I went to jobcorps I felt, I was older, and I should act it so I grew up and James was born from that I became more regal I carried myself with more dignity except for when I am vulgar that's usually jimmy poking his nose in. I try to carry myself and project myself in a manner that in stills respect but it usually backfires as either fear or hate. 

Nothing much new. I got pokemon go but I'm thinking of deleting it cause I don't leave the house enough to make it fun and I went to the library and got 2 and I caught a bulbasaur in my room when I first got it but really it isn't that fun. I mean it is probably a fad just like ingress was. And I'm thinking that eventually even in I catch them all ... Then what? Just delete it and restart. There isn't much potential for fun for me. But I'm probably just not part of the demographic. 

I took the "who I side with" test and it shows I'm a centrist with dem leanings. But I have done some research. I think I would prefer a liberal republican over a conservative democrat. I think that a republican that thinks mostly with his head but has a heart (which is what a lib rep would be) is better that a conservative democrat because they would think mostly with their ?? and have very little brain. Look, if you are heartless and don't give a fuck about quality of life then conservativism makes sense I'm sure that Vulcan would be a conservative republican planet but if you have a heart in your chest and a brain in your skull you have to blend the two together and in my opinion the best wat to do that is have a republican in the president seat and a democratic congress because with a dem in office and rep congress they fight on everything and the dem pres is too chikenshit to say "fuck you congress I'm the boss do what the fuck I say" like a republican does. Reagan did it and ao did nixon and gw bush ghw bush didn't but I think he was a rino he was really a democrat that ran on the republican ticket so he could win. That's just an opinion. Clinton was a democrat but he had style and he didn't have to say "do what the fuck I tell you" he was more "listen do it or I'll make you look bad cause I'm slick and charismatic and these dumbasses believe what I tell them" that's why they were so happy when he was caught in a lie , because they stole the power and didn't have to listen anymore. That's why his presidency sucked so bad in the end. Again these are just my theories and opinions. I'm just saying, even if we had a dem in office I want a tough guy like FDR. I'm fine with a dem if'n he be tough and I'm not okay with a republican if he be weak. Idgaf who we elect I want a badass that'll stand up for himself. (Or herself as the case may be but definitely not hillary) and also I don't want trump. I would have liked either Bernie Sanders or Ben Carson. I really really wanted Jill Stein because on that who I side with test I kept getting her until she dropped out of the race. I may be a democrat be default because of what I believe in but it carries such a stigma of being Lilylivered and weak I don't want to be associated with that reputation. 
...

Rick <[REDACTED]>
13 Jul

to James 
Damn that took a long time. Accidentally spilled some water on my keyboard. Had to take it apart, dry it out and put it back. Took a while but on the plus side my keyboard is possibly the cleanest it's been in a long time. Spacebar is still a little mushy, might have to check it later.

I don't know if stainless steel is used for that. If you were to hold a magnet next to your plates would there be any kind of attraction? If so then there's at least some iron in there so there could be a steel alloy or sorts like chromium or cobalt. But does it bother you in any way? Like if you hold your arm in a certain way and it hurts or something? 

It's interesting how you said, "they sit in James' lap" and not "they sit in MY lap". And do you honestly see them and communicate with them?

I never really understood the whole Pokemon thing. Somebody tried to explain it to me but it just seemes kinda stupid how people would play those cards and have battles and stuff. Then all those card games like Yu-Gi-Oh came out and I just lost interest in them completely.

Again you seem to put the positive spin on the right side of things and the negative spin on the left side of things when the very test you took shows that you're left wing.The Green Party is left wing, even further than the Democrats. And it has nothing to do with one uses their brain and the other uses their heart. They simply see things from a different POV. The whole "brains" and "heart" thing is nothing more than a analogy when you get down to it. And I'd see Democrats to be from Vulcan and Conservatives to be from Ferenginar. Think about it. The Vulcans as we know are highly intelligent thatbase things on logic. If you take a look at the last 12 presidents you notice one thing, with very few exceptions the democrats were smarter than the republicans. The smartest Republican president in the past 50 years was Nixon. The stupidest was George W Bush. But the top would be Clinton (D), Carter (D), Kennedy (D), Nixon (R), Rosevelt (D), Truman (D), Johnson (D), Eisenhower (R), Ford (R), Reagan (R), George H.W. Bush (R), George W Bush (R). And what about the altruism of the Vulcans? Spock sacrificing himself at the end of "Wrath of Khan". His reasoning was, "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". That's not something you hear the Republicans say. Whereas the Ferengi want money and wealth. Their entire reason for living is to generate more wealth. Their leader, the Grand Nagus, is chosed by the fact that he's the richest. And women in the Ferengi culture are not valued much like how here reproductive rights are not always placed in the hands of women.

And the best government would be one that actually governs and doesn't play to special interest groups or stop things like votes and whatever simply because you don't like the other guy or you're trying to score points for your side. This is endemic for the past six years with the Republican held House and Senate. The Democrats are powerless to do anything because anything they put forth is immediately squashed or has so many amendments and riders attached to it by the GOP that it's nowhere near what it was when it started. There's too much of this going on and it needs to stop. And yes, as much as I liked Obama I really wished he had more of a backbone and didn't always want to compromise on things. He had this idea of being a uniter and had the GOP spit in his face time and time again. I hoped that he would have learned but maybe he was too much of an idealist to make a good president. 

Nobody with half a brain wants Trump. I wanted Bernie even though he's pretty far left I agreed with a lot of things he said. He spoke the truth and people didn't want that so they went with Hillary. Personally she's not my choice but if it comes down between her and Trump, I'll chose Hillary and start looking at an exit plan. Whereas with Trump I'm looking for an exit plan right away. My wife is part Canadian so there's a chance we might be able to move up there. I've always liked Canada. Nice place. But we'll have to see.

And finally I don't know where you're getting the idea that Democrats are lilylivered and weak. My guess is it's a holdover from when you were younger and you got this from your father. Or you might just be from a more conservative area so there's a stigma against it but honestly I don't see the connection between the two.

Anyway, I've spoken enough and my keyboard probably isn't fully dry yet because there's still some issues so I'll leave it until tomorrow and talk to you then.

Rick
...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
14 Jul

to me 
It is nonferrous. At least not through the skin. It hurts if I hit it on something because it is close to the surface and harder than bone and it's easier to twang my "funny bone" it's not able to straighten out because of how it was reconstructed and put in the cast. The doctor told me to hold out my left arm in the way that I most often do and what is most comfortable and I held it out and my natural state is slightly curved so he set my arm that way in the cast. It was so broken it needed an internal and external cast. 

I don't see them irl but I see them in my minds eye. So in my imagination yes I see and interact with them. The throneroom is in the side of a mountain and there is a huge hole in the wall if I view it like a tv show the "4th wall" is on the opposite wall of the hole window and there is a large tapestry tied up to the next of the window to drop if it ever storms on the ocean outside several thousand feet below. The door looks like a watertight door on a ship wedged into the cave hole. The throne is 10-20 feet tall 3-4 feet wide wicker chair with gold leaf on it. It's about 3/4 to 4/5 of the way from the door to the back wall. And there's a small hole with a curtain with a star field on it and inside is a closet with a bed and small shelves with dusty books on them those are my core memories, those things I am incapable of forgetting. When I am asleep irl the alters go into gray mode so they can effect dreams but pretty much sleep too. Then I get out of the throne and go into my room and sleep and dream. 

W. Was not dumb, he just talked weird. Now pretty much all the flubs he made were in conversation or lapses of memory that can happen to the smartest of us. And clinton was not smart he was just plotting or scheming it was charisma not and nearly psycopathological ease of interpersonal interaction and being able to, as Groucho Marx put it "fake sincerity" Bill went to Georgetown and yale law. I'm sorry but georgetown doesn't have a lot of prestige, especially since he went for  foreign service whatever that means. And except for learning new precedents which change when new laws are passed law school is memorization and rote recitation mostly basically being an actor which is what bubba was to begin with. He probably won a lot of cases just on performance alone. On the other hand W. Went to Yale AND Harvard business school where you have to study everchanging market trends. While they aren't star fleet academy, those are some damn fine schools And you may be able to  /get in/ on alumni connections/legacy into a fraternity you actually have to keep up your grades to /stay/ at an Ivy League school. So TLDR: W. Isn't dumb. 

Spocks sacrifice was based on his emotions. Remember, he was half human and his human side was who sacrificed himself for his crew. He may have ex post facto been able to justify it to himself with logic, it was his heart not his head that saved the crew. 

Writing that was heartbreaking I didn't actually think about it that way until I had to say that to you. Thank you for helping me come to that discovery. 

Moving right along. 

Actually to me the Ferengi are more of an antisemitic caricature much like the bajorans were a zionistic caricature but each having thier redeeming qualities and their flaws just like the individuals of any culture. The only thing republican about the Ferengi is their capitalism and that is a farcical representation at best.  And actually as property Ferengis highly value females, females fetch much higher prices at the slave markets. Not that I condone those uncivilized acts I'm merely stating what I remember. 
...

Rick <[REDACTED]>
14 Jul

to James 
Fuuuuck when it rains it pours. 

It was a nice night, not too hot, not too cool, the sound of the rain making a gentle pitter-patter off the roof and into the ground was a pleasant sound to to to sleep to. That is until I wake up this morning to find rain had turned to a storm and the tree right next to the driveway, one of the branches had snapped in the storm and fell on the driveway. and barely missed the car. So there I am, in the rain, trying to move this large tree branch and failing and then having to take an electrical saw and start hacking it to pieces. Took me an hour and a half to clear it completely so I am working from home today, It's nice, I get the house all to myself. The only problem I tend to actually work harder and more when I'm here than I would otherwise.

Got a teleconference at noon so hopefully I can get this done by then.

So it's not stainless steel then if it's non-ferrous. That would be weird if it was because stainless steel can still rust and you don't want that in your system. So what''s the plan then? Keep it in your arm until you head back out to wherever you got it? 

All this takes place in your imagination then? Okay, feeling a little better about that because if you were actually seeing these things in real life then you'd be fit to be tied with a strait jacket. Auditory hallucinations are one thing. Visual hallucinations are another. 

I never said that W was stupid. I said he was the stupidest of the bunch. There's a difference. It's like how the old joke goes, "what do you call the person that graduated at the bottom of his class in medical school? You call him doctor." All it meant is everybody else was smarter than him but not necessarily that he was stupid. A case could be made that going to Yale as a legacy, especially if you have a rich parent, can assure you get a Ba or Bs with minimal work. His credentials at Yale were medicore at best. Going in, his SAT scores were only 1200. That's hardly Ivy League material And it's said his grades averaged out to 77/100 and he did get a couple of D's in the process. I think we can safely assume it was because of his family name, influence and their money. So how did he get into Harvard then? Easy. He had an undergraduate degree from Yale and a boatload of cash. Back then, that was all that was needed. Harvard Business School back then wasn't the big name it is now and was typically seen as a dumping ground for the sons of rich or well connected parents who didn't know what they wanted to do but needed some kind of credential to get into the family business. And once you got in, it was really hard to flunk out. In fact it's been said that all one had to do was show up to class and get a low pass as all classes were either pass or fail. Obviously you had to do some work but somebody who is clever can get around that.

When you say that Clinton is able to charm people, it's funny how you don't give that same thing to Dubya. He's been said to have a very smarmy charm about him. He'd be willing to break whatever rules there were to get what he wanted. Students at HBS were encouraged to form "study groups" where work is divided among each of them, they all study one different aspect and then share that information and anybody that has worked with such a group can tell you there's always one that is there who seems to be at the centre of it all but doesn't seem to be doing much work. That was Dubya. Exams were take home and done on the honor system. Well, what is honor to somebody willing to break the rules? Besides with a lot of money at his disposal he could easily have gotten somebody else to write his exam and pay them a large sum for doing so. HBS didn't get this reputation for being competitive and academically rigorous until the 70's and 80's when they no longer wanted to be seen as being equal to Standford Business School or Wharton. 

As for Clinton, I'll fully admit he's a charmer but he's actually got some smarts to back it up. The man is not stupid even if he had trouble keeping it in his pants. But he managed to pass Yale Law which isn't the easiest things to do so in that sense while he might have gotten an undergraduate degree at a second rate university, he used that undergraduate degree to get into Yale and successfully passed their law program. So if anything his academic career is better than Dubya's because he would have earned that law degree.

And no, it was logic that saved the crew. I know it's hard for you to admit it but you've got some ideas that from the sound of it have never actually been challenged and that's a bad thing. I was part of the debate club back in high school and I can usually debate any subject out there so long as I have information on it. What makes me so effective is I'm an information sponge. I just absorb information and can usually recall it with startling accuracy. For that reason I've tried to get on Jeopardy several times but never even made it to the first test. I know I could clean up on that show if I was there but at the same time I'm used to demolishing points of view where they're weakest.

The Ferengi are the ultimate free market capitalists willing to buy and sell anything in order to increase their net-worth. And females are only valued for what price they can bring. They're a commodity to be used whether it be for money or pleasure. They're closer to the Republicans in that sense and an argument for the almost utopia that the Federation is are the Democrats. Look, regardless of who is what and whether group A is supposed to represent this or that is meaningless because unless Gene Roddenberry specifically said or drew allusions to, we simply don't know. For example, the Klingons were modeled after the Russians. That much is obvious, They needed a cold war analogue in the original series and created the Klingons. It wasn't until later on that they became their own people with their own look and history and all that instead of being generic bad guys who are only there to cause conflict. Same for the Romulans. They were the Chinese or possibly North Korean. They were aggressive and xenophobic and they were distant cousins to one of our greatest allies at the time which was Japan or the Vulcans. It all fits. It really wasn't until later that these races were given actual characterization, history and the like. But beyond the Klingons in the original series, there's never been any official word on which race was patterned after what. It's all interpretation and how well you're able to sell your idea.

Sorry, had to take a break there. Was on a teleconference call with one of my projects. Had to keep notes and stuff. And now that means it's lunchtime and I need to find something. 

Later.

Rick.
...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
14 Jul

to me 
Surgical stainless steel doesn't rust and is nonferrous. 

I get olfactory hallucinations sometimes should I be worried? 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
15 Jul

to James 
That's it? Two lines for a response?

I'm sorry but if you're not going to respond properly then don't even bother.
...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
15 Jul

to me 
I'm sorry, I was taught when you converse you exchange information, that's all I had to say. That's all I had to say. I no longer wish to discuss politics. We can take about anything else. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
15 Jul

to James 
Yeah, and that's why you then say something else or say something like, "I don't want to talk about politics anymore because it's making me question my own beliefs, " instead of just dropping it as you did. I mean you can talk about whatever you want, don't expect me to always keep this conversation going. And if you have nothing to say, then you have nothing to say. 


...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
16 Jul

to me 
The reason I don't want to talk about politics is because neither of us will ever convince the other. My best friend is a liberal and we have been bickering back and forth for 8+ years and we have not been able to convert each other. 

My father taught me that the best system of government is ? but it always fails because of corruption and greed. So the only system that actually works is the one that pragmatically accepts the fact that people are greedy pieces of ?? and controls the sewage. That system is capitalism and the only way for capitalism to work is to be underhanded and conniving almost Machiavellian in how hard you work. But that only works with a small population but eventually if there's a surplus of people and a shortage of jobs you have to either let people starve to death like they did during the Great Depression or you just give handouts like in russia with the lines for anything. What are food pantries if not modern day bread lines. Now me I'm a cripple and a retard so I would qualify for assistance even under a republican but some people on assistance just need to get some manual labor job and get some fleabag apartment and just live a subsistence life and stop living beyond their means. If my body and brain worked right I would have a job. 

I'm sorry but I was raised to never discuss politics because it's the fastest way to lose friends. I was told it is rude so discussion about it makes me more ashamed than talking about almost anything else. 

I'm slowly coming out of the emotional depression. that was a loooong one. I'm really beginning to worry I may have some sort of brain damage as many mental illnesses I have. 

Npd, Aspergers,depression, delusions of grandeur, self loathing, extreme lust until I actually have access to a pussy then I only want it once a day for the first week then once every few days down to one day a week and that's a fuckfest but seriously I always have either an overactive libido or anhedonia. I'm a gestalt entity made out of emotions, neuroses, and psychoses. I'm really worried I will never be sane. As I am not a danger to myself or others I fear I may never get the help I so desperately need without in depth analysis and behavior modification, basically training to be a human. There are no classes in the humanities during the formative years when we really need to learn the rules and that sickens me. Along with the reading writing and arithmetic we need to be forcing our children to socialize and teach them how to make friends and what is and is not appropriate behavior.   
...

Rick <[REDACTED]>
16 Jul

to James 
Let me ask you one question before jumping off to where I want to go. Did you grow up poor? By that I mean when you were growing up did you live in a place that wasn't well maintained, did your father work a lot only to get paid very little or were there long stretches where he didn't work at all, were there times that food was scarce and you relied on the school lunch to get you through the day? There's just something about what you said that stuck in my mind and might explain certain things but I'd like your confirmation of this first. 

Politics is only a way to lose friends when you're an ideologue unwilling or unable to even consider another POV or that it's very possible for both sides to make good points. I'm going to say right now that there is nothing could say to me that would insult me or cause me to think any less of you. If you don't want to talk politics because it makes you feel weird or you're afraid that something bad is going to happen then that's on you. On the other hand I'm not going to force you to say something that makes you uncomfortable. So I'm not offended and I'd like to continue with this but if you're not feeling right we can stop.

No, you can't get brain damage from depression or mental illness. And that's a very impressive list there but have they all been diagnosed by a professional? I know it's easy to go on the internet and find out whatever you want to match how you're feeling but often times you wind up with two things that are mutually exclusive of each other. For example I knew somebody that said they had both Schizophrenia and major depressive disorder. But if you have one, you literally can't have the other. That's not to say that a person with schizophrenia can't be depressed simply that it's all part of the normal "up and down" emotions that we all have. What's more we are terrible at determining our own problems as we either overestimate our faults and underestimate our skills. And if you're aware of these things do you not take it into consideration? For example you say you have NPD which manifests as unwarranted self-importance, delusions of grandeur, a need for being important and lack of empathy for others. But if you had that, then you wouldn't have the self-loathing because it's almost impossible for you to see yourself as anything other than perfect. To a true narcissist, everybody else is always wrong while they are always right. If you're feeling anything other than pure joy at being you then you don't have NPD. 

" I'm a gestalt entity made out of emotions, neuroses, and psychoses." Very poetic and feeling that way is called being human. You're not more special than anybody else when it comes to that. Some people just hide it better or have learned to live with it. You say that there need to be a class in humanities when the majority of people just learn it on the fly through experimentation. As a child you learn by doing. Touch something hot you get burned and you learn never to do it again. Cut yourself on something sharp and you learn never to do so again. Try the "move" on a girl and if she pulls away then she's not ready for it but maybe she will be later on. It's all a learning game and how well you learn by doing or pick up on things determines how well you're going to do. 

I just feel you've got a very twisted view of the world based on a lack of real understanding of it. 
...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
16 Jul

to me 
No. Dad was an over the road trucker and we were middle class. We didn't pay much on clothes and we usually made the food money stretch so we weren't po' but we were kinda poor maybe lower middle class or upper low class. I grew up in a trailer park. Single wide but nice. Never went hungry. We pinched pennies on clothes. I mostly had handmedowns from my friend derrick or cousins. Or goodwill and Walmart. And even though food was never a problem mon still stretched a dollar only getting certain fruits and vegetables when they were in season. Lots of meals were meat and potatoes of some kind. We didn't have free lunch in my school, you payed into an account and put in a pin when you got your food or you just payed cash. It was comparatively cheap but still not free. 

I'm willing to discuss politics but I feel like we've explored it as far as we can. 

What about the kids too scared to learn by doing, I was (metaphorically) scared of my own shadow as a child. We need socialization classes possibly a club for making friends. Like the guy in Mozart and the whale made. 

...

Rick <[REDACTED]>
17 Jul

to James 
Just goes to show that I'm terrible when it comes to determining a person's background. And yeah my folks weren't rich themselves so they also scrimped and saved. My Mom was coupon happy and would rock those things like nobody else. I remember seeing on TV a show called "extreme couponing" or something where families of five wind up getting $500 worth of groceries for like $20 or whatever simply by using coupons. I just found that odd because that's exactly what my Mom did. We had, in our basement, a pantry / dry goods / storage room that was packed from top to bottom with stuff. When that got full, they built some shelves in the basement. When that got full they started putting things in the garage and finding nooks and crannies to store things. It got to the point where my Mom had a master plan of sorts as to where to store everything. For example dry pasta went in the storage space under the bench in the kitchen. Canned vegetables were in the storage room. Laundry detergent was in the garage along with the rest of the cleaning supplies. 

That and she made everything from scratch. Any food was made, never purchased. For example I never ate Chef Boyardee growing up or Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup. If I wanted chicken noodle, we had two large freezers downstairs, each containing food that had been cooked, portioned and waiting to be finished. It was a way to keep food from going bad but also meant that you might cook a lot one day but don't have to waste too much time in the kitchen for the others. It made a difference when my Mom went back to work.

Yeah but it would only really benefit a small percentage of kids so why do it for everybody? It's like I knew a guy who couldn't meet or talk to women and his reasoning for it was his father never taught him. Well, it's not your father's responsibility to teach you how to speak to girls. And I bet that his father himself doesn't really know how to do it so much as he knows what works for him. I mean my Dad never taught me and I learned simply by doing. Sure you get shot down a lot but with time and practice you will get better so long as you're able to learn from your past mistakes. Sames goes for people and making friends. Listen, observe, see the dynamic they have and work out what works best for you given those ideas.

Gotta run, it's just after 2pm and I promised the wife we'd hit the market today so I gotta leave.

Later.


...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
17 Jul

to me 
We also had a deep freeze. It was full. And we also have cupboards full of canned goods just in case. 

I love that coupon show. Ever watch that "extreme cheapskates" show? My friend says I could be on that show. 

If I could I would always buy in bulk. Next time I'm out of ketchup I'm gonna get one of those gallon jugs at Walmart. I wish there was a sams club close. I always go to aldi because it's the cheapest. Of course there's a new store I found out about a new store called ruler. 


...

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
17 Jul

to me 
The "humanity" class would be elective. And would be offered to those children that aren't naturally social and teachers keep an eye out. Basically all the kids in the 90's that were medicated unnecessarily would have went to the special kids class and make friends. It could be after school like a club for kids that aren't interested in the other clubs. I joined Python pals and games club (only because there wasn't a dedicated chess club) to socialize but it didn't work very well.  
   

 you explain something to me?

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
25 Jul

to me 
Why does kiwifarms think my parents are bad people? I don't understand it. They also assume so many things and I have negated many of their accusations and explain things over and over again but they keep forgetting what I have said.

I didn't know her father touched her before I did I thought he had died and that's why he was gone I even asked her if anyone had touched her before and she told me no and I didn't learn about it until after they found out about me.

Her mother had no idea what we were doing. I mean she knew we "fought like an old married couple" and I think she may have suspected I love(d) her but I very much doubt she had any thought I was touching her.

She let me watch her as a babysitter. Actually I'm a good babysitter I don't do it anymore but I would watch all moms friends kids when they would go karaoke. I can be alone with children and not touch them.

I'm sorry to ramble on I just needed to talk.

The inaccuracies are what really bother me. To quote Picard "If we're to be damned let's be damned for what we really are."

If they knew the real me and still hate me in spite of my virtue and dedication to not touch a child again, then so be it.

However the monster they erroneously portray me to be is worthy of hate but I am not that monster.

They hate me more than is warranted.

The amount of hate they level on me would only be warranted by a person that violently raped and canabalized dozens of people. Hell I feel more hated than Dahmer or Gacy or numerous other people that are far more evil and despicable than I am.

They need to let it go. I try to not let it get to me and I try to avoid going there but I get bored and curious. Especially when they come to tumblr and provoke me.

I feel like saying fuck it and stop caring about it. But it still upsets me that it's the first thing that comes up when you google my name.

Those two things are all that bother me. Them being wrong and their wrongness being the first thing that people find about me.

Rick <[REDACTED]>
26 Jul

to James 
Well good evening to you too. Yes it was a nice day, thank you very much for asking. The wife and I had a nice dinner, we finished a bottle of wine and I cleaned up the dishes while she went to take a bath. Then we fooled around. She wore her naughty schoolgirl outfit and I wore my horny pervert disguise and I think you can figure out what happened next.

You see, there's this thing about sending e-mails. If you want a response, then send me something but if you jump into it like that and make it all about you then I'm not going to be very interested in speaking to you. Next time you do this, open up with something before diving in.

And I have no idea why any of that is going on but part of this is your fault. I seem to recall saying that maybe you ought to go there and state your case and see how they take it but you said you didn't care but now you seem to care what they say. If you shout into a vacuum then nobody is going to hear you. And this means that the kiwis will go on and continue to accuse you of whatever it is. Don't just take the bait. If you're going to speak, then gather your thoughts first.

"I didn't know her father touched her before I did I thought he had died and that's why he was gone I even asked her if anyone had touched her before and she told me no and I didn't learn about it until after they found out about me."
You're splitting hairs now. You know I'm on your side here and so long as she wasn't hurt or scarred by the whole ordeal I don't really think there should be a witch hunt so to speak. But she was already damaged goods as the saying goes. Just a question, had you known her father had molested her would you still have acted the way you did?

"Her mother had no idea what we were doing. I mean she knew we "fought like an old married couple" and I think she may have suspected I love(d) her but I very much doubt she had any thought I was touching her."
I need to wonder if she did know and just didn't care. After all her husband had been doing it for a while and the question is was she aware of that as well? If she was then there's a good chance she knew. If she didn't know then she didn't.

'She let me watch her as a babysitter. Actually I'm a good babysitter I don't do it anymore but I would watch all moms friends kids when they would go karaoke. I can be alone with children and not touch them."
Except for the boys you fondled, sucked and fucked. I babysat a couple times when I was younger and never did anything like that. Also never got fondled or molested by the babysitter so it equals out.

"I'm sorry to ramble on I just needed to talk."
Yeah, kinda figured.

"The inaccuracies are what really bother me. To quote Picard "If we're to be damned let's be damned for what we really are.""
Then stand up for yourself. If you say you want to be damned for who you are then you need to present yourself there and face your accusers. Just sitting here and complaining about it won't sole anything.

"If they knew the real me and still hate me in spite of my virtue and dedication to not touch a child again, then so be it."
Are they aware of this fact? If so then as you say "so be it". If not then it's up to you to tell them.

"However the monster they erroneously portray me to be is worthy of hate but I am not that monster. They hate me more than is warranted."
I don't know how many times I can say this or how many times we can go over this. If this bothers you so much then TALK TO THEM. You're 30 years old. Be a man.

"The amount of hate they level on me would only be warranted by a person that violently raped and canabalized dozens of people. Hell I feel more hated than Dahmer or Gacy or numerous other people that are far more evil and despicable than I am."
Oh please, spare me. Look I'm going to level with you. This, what you just said here, is fucking stupid.There's no reason to take this to extremes like you're doing. Most people see pedophiles as a lower form of life. Even in prison where people are in there for raping and killing and all sorts of things, pedophiles are a the very bottom. They either need to get into the right gang before they're found out or they need to be placed in protective custody. You're an admitted pedophile who has molested a child. People don't care about the details. People don't care about your feelings for each other. All people care about is you were older, she was young and you two fucked. It doesn't help that you've said before that you liked to look at nude children because it made you feel happy. Nobody wants to know that. It doesn't help that some of your porn star pics are of very young looking girls. I know they're of age but it's the impression that it gives. Of course a pedophile would want to look at some tiny, but legal, girl getting fucked because it's the closest thing to a child they can see legally. You are in a sense your own worst enemy. This is why I'm telling you to think about what you're going to say if you happen to go over there. And if you choose not to, then you're going to have to learn to live with what they say.

"They need to let it go. I try to not let it get to me and I try to avoid going there but I get bored and curious. Especially when they come to tumblr and provoke me." 
Then you have nothing to complain about if you're doing it to yourself. You either need to face it head on or you need to walk away from it all and never look back. You have the power and the only power they have is what you choose to give them.

"I feel like saying fuck it and stop caring about it. But it still upsets me that it's the first thing that comes up when you google my name."
And how many people are going to google your name? I'm out there on the net, I've got connections, my name exists. People google me if they need to learn who I am. People google me if they run across me. And yes, people google me if and when I apply for a job or at least they do now. And if I say something online that links my name with my job and it gets out, then I will not only loose my job but people are going to be googling me a lot. Why do you think I don't tell anybody my girlfriend's name? Why do you think that all I've given you is my first name? Why have I not shared a headshot of myself? It's because while I can express certain things to you, if my boss or HR or somebody from work found out that I was married with a girlfriend on the side but she was also a pedophile? How long do you think I would keep my job, my marriage and most importantly my life? I'd be a pariah and unable to get work anywhere except maybe NAMBLA or something. 

What I'm trying to say is of you put yourself out there on the internet and share intimate details about your life then people will find out and if they do your life will never be the same. This is why I don't have a tumblr or twitter. This is why I don't engage in texting. This is why I'm very careful in my emails not to reveal too much to what is in many ways a total stranger. And if you do, then you better be prepared to deal with the repercussions of it all.

Look, it's getting late. I'm a little tired but I needed to finish this before heading off to bed. You need to make a decision. Either you face them or you ignore them because they're not going away.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
26 Jul

to me 
I'm sorry, I keep forgetting that you actually  /want/  storytime. Ok here goes.

Yesterday my dad got fed up with his cable box. The top line of leds on the clock didn't work and the grid showed to be announced way too much so he called the company the man came out his name was ben and he was very nice I even helped him a bit by calling out numbers on his meter while he was up on the pole cause he had to replace the cable cause water had gotten into the cable and corroded it. We talked about cable stuff and radio and television and it was a good experience. I also went to the post office and got stamps for daddy they were trucks and he was very pleased. I got a new wifi router and it is working much better. Pages used to just hang there sometimes taking 20 seconds now it's either instant or 2 seconds. And my free samples of astroglide came but one of the pouches had broken so I only have one. Oh well. I tried to make rice with beef broth but it wouldn't soften i had boiled it for an hour. I was mad and then dad was upset because he had plans to make gravy but the rest of the day being so good kinda smoothed it out and he wasn't mad for long. 

If I had known she was a csa I probably would have still fondled her out of love and affection but I don't think I would have fucked her. I think I might have been less handsy more hugging and praise and I would likely have realized her promiscuity/precociousness was linked to her father and thus she was actually just horny too soon because he warped her mind and that's why she wanted it. She craved the love and validation I was giving her. Wow, are you sure you're a chef and not a psychologist you ask probing questions and lead me to epiphanies quite often.

 (Again sorry for no storytime before I just needed to vent and I thought you wouldn't mind) 

Honestly I don't really care what kiwifarms think about me as long as the me they hate is an accurate description of the truth about me. But the strawman they have built out of their knee jerk hatred of the me they think I am is horrible.  

She didn't know about the father and left him as soon as she found out. I think she had him arrested but I don't know the whole story. I'm not privy to that information. 

I know it's never gonna end. It just seems like it should. I mean how long can they keep getting amusement out of this? There was a 888chan page about me and they gave up after about a month or 3. But the kiwitards have been gnawing on the same bone for a year now. I have talked to them before but to no avail. 

I've decided. No matter what they say I refuse to be provoked. I'm not going there again no matter how lonely I get. I'll talk to you or I'll find strangers to talk to. If all else fails cleverbot exists. I have fans on Twitter I can ask them to talk to me I have YouTube fans I can talk to them. I need to avoid the hate when I can and just hope that nobody googles me. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
26 Jul

to James 
Dude, it's not that I want stories or anything like that it's just this is a social medium where you sit and craft your words. This isn't texting or twitter where it's just sending a quick message, we're trying to communicate here. When you jump off and just start unloading without even saying "Hi, OMG! I need to unload right now so blah blah blah, " and then finish it off with something like, "So how was your day." What you did was effectively come in, fuck me and then leave without asking me if I was ready, if I liked it or if I needed anything before you left. 

What exactly do you mean by "fondled" her? That could be as innocent as giving her a hug or it could mean getting her naked and running your hands over her body, stroking, squeezing and dare I say even fingerbanging. And I don't think she was horny so much as she didn't really understand what was going on and felt that this was something that all little girls did. My girlfriend was molested by her cousin when she was just a kid and this set her on her path. They never fucked and she didn't fuck for the first time until she was twelve and I think the boy was only ten but I could be wrong on that. In any case there was lots of fingering, lots of oral, lots of playing and using sex as a game. In a way she believed that this is what little girls did but they weren't supposed to tell anybody. It was a secret game and since it made such a big impact on her at such a young age she's liked them young ever since.

And I'm not a chef even if I do work magic in the kitchen. I trained as a chef, went into IT and then about two years ago made the move to Project Management. It's more money and a lot more stable. A former girlfriend once said that I should have become a lawyer because I normally can ask very probing questions.

You seem to go back and forth between caring what they say and not caring so long as they know the real story. If you're unwilling to go back there then they're going to continue with their lies and slander and their page will be one of the top searches that comes up if anybody googles your name. As I said, how many people are going to be doing that in any case but it's up to you to figure it out.

So if she didn't know about the father doing this, and I have trouble believing that. My girlfriend's mother knew something was going on with her and her cousin when he kept coming over for a play date with her and she'd get all excited when before she was rather ambivalent about the whole thing she just didn't know what it was and then that summer her cousin moved away and they only saw each other years later at his wedding. That is unless her mother had her own problems or was the type to pretend that things were fine unless presented with absolute proof. 

 The kiwis are probably doing this because they can, or there are maybe certain members that have taken a special interest in you for their own personal reasons. I really don't know how things work over there, I don't like going to gossip boards because I find them to be toxic. It's like TMZ. It's a lot of bullshit that they turn into a story and then react to that story as if it were completely true. They're not going to change anytime soon. 

Well that's one solution which is just as good as others but you need to keep this in mind and you need to continue. There's to be no going back then. Can you stick to that? Don't say "yes" if you can't. There's no fault in admitting you're weak when it comes to that. It's just one of the worst things you can do is say you're not going to do that and then a week later go back and do it. 

Just saying.

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
27 Jul

to me 
I didn't mean to do that. I guess I have to work on my conversational foreplay lqtm. 

What I mean by fondled is hugs and closed lip kisses nuzzling gently squeezing her breasts and bottom and if in a playful mood blowing a raspberry on her tummy. Basically the normal affection that you would be fine doing in public (obviously except for the boobs and butt are in private) actually we were openly affectionate and nobody cared. We were obviously fully clothed and the door was open but we would be on my bed watching tv her head on my chest or tummy her body between my legs and we were just hanging out. We did that even before the pool incident. We really were like family we were that close. I loved her long before I fell /in/ love with her. 

I think her mother knew we loved each other but I don't think she knew it went beyond flirting and affection. I'm of the opinion that had it been legal I think she would have approved of us dating but that's just speculation at this point. 

At any rate I'm glad we didn't get married. I'm not good enough for her. 

I'm starting to feel like I'm not good enough for any woman to be honest with you. Even if I lost all the extra weight and got really healthy I would still be me. I would still have a malfunctioning brain that needs drugs to even approximate normality. 

I'm sorry to burden you I just don't have anyone to talk to. 

I would offer to give you advice in return but I'm probably the last person anyone should come to for advice. 

I hate how my mind works. I float all around the emotional spectrum. Sometimes I feel lucid and clear I love myself and everyone else I'm happy. But then other times I get angry at nothing, the slightest provocation sets me seething with rage. Other times I fall into a pit of despair and self loathing but other times I feel such narcissistic love for myself I feel like a God and I get angry at the other gods for casting me out and forcing me to be born into a mortal shell. 

I know that those fantasies are merely the constructs of an insane mind as a coping mechanism against my feelings of inadequacy. The human psyche is so fragile that if confronted with its own insignificance will concoct any manner of stories to protect itself. 

However I know I will likely never meet a woman that will be capable of tolerating my emotional fluctuations and at the same time forgive my past and thirdly love me for me. 

I'm seriously starting to think that I should just accept the fact that I will never again know the love of a good woman. 

Don't bother with sympathy for me. I'm just depressed. I'll be out of it in a few days. 6 weeks tops. I'm always a little low after the full moon starts to fade. I'll bounce back in a few days don't worry about me. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
27 Jul

to James 
It's no problem, I just like to be treated like I'm a person and not just something to be used when the other person feels like it. It's like fucking VS making love. There are times that my wife or I just get super horny and we need some kind of release. That's when we fuck or if the other one isn't around or available for it that's when you take matters into your own hand. Whereas lovemaking is when you're less concerned about your pleasure as you are about theirs. I've said it before that when we make love, it's the little things that my wife does that drive me wild. Fucking is short, brutal and to the point. Lovemaking is slow, loving and often times takes strange little dips and turns. We have an understanding that fucking is part of the partnership but there needs to be lovemaking as well. And this metaphor is getting a little out of hand so I'll stop it now. 

Yeah, sorry but what you're just described there was something more than just love. When I was six I'd cuddle with one of my parents if we were watching TV on a Sunday night. It was a comfort thing and something that parents and children do. When I cuddled with a girlfriend, it was always more intimate and often times the physical contact meant more than what we were watching. Her sitting between your legs, lying back on your chest or stomach that's something you do with your lover, or maybe your child if they're really young. But the whole thing of it being love like you were family before you were "in" love is frankly a little creepy. Are you into incest, not necessarily in reality but in the fantasy aspects of it because that's how it's coming across to me. You loved somebody like a family member before you loved them physically. There's something not quite right there. 

And what medication are you on if you don't mind my asking? I'm on something for migraines and while I try to keep in shape I'm not fanatical about it which means that in several years I might need to take stuff for high blood pressure as it runs in my family. But beyond that, I don't think your brain is malfunctioning so much as you're just naive. Do me a favor. I want you to tell me who your dream woman is. What I mean by that is tell me stuff about her from the physical to the emotional and spiritual if necessary. The only thing I ask is that you keep it real. By that I'm asking for a fantasy but one grounded in reality. So no amazon women with muscles like Arnold Schwartzeneggar, a 52 inch rack with impossibly firm breasts, a waist that would leave no room for her internal organs and you know the drill. Keep it within reality and leave the fantasy aspect of it for some other time, even if a speciman like that actually exists in real life and she's unique. I mean a woman you could find living in your town, state or country. 

Are you saying you're bipolar? Because that's what it sounds like. You from super high to super low with very little in the middle. 

As bad as it sounds, women are not the be all and end all of existence. I've spent many years without a girlfriend at times and never felt the need to get one and I'll be honest with you, if it wasn't for the sex or the possibility of sex I would probably have never gotten together with any of them. That includes my wife and my girlfriend. Make no mistake, I love them dearly and would be devastated if they were to die or leave me but I could have been just as happy alone with friends and the occasional hooker or one night stand than to be married. So what is it about women that makes you desire them so much other than sex of course?

I get it, you're down and you'll be up someday. Don't worry, I'm not going to think any less of you because you're down now than I thought of you before. Okay? 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
28 Jul

to me 
Hey. Great news on my dumpster picking I found a whole bunch of pizzas. ??

Well, not really really into incest but I do treat most girlfriends like a daughter which is how I felt about the girl. I wanna be daddy to my gf/future wife. Which is weird because I would never molest an actual daughter. I won't lie, if she's over 18 and she came on to me I would tell her no and tell her mom and if the mother said it's ok, then and only then would I do anything with her. But I would most likely tell her to get help first. I'm saying I'm putting up all these barriers because I would not actually want to fuck her. But I do want gfs to call me daddy. I'm sorry if that's creepy.

I'm not on any medication. I used to be on bupropion 100mg a day and I was on ritalin Idk how many mg back when I was 10-12 and dad took me off of it because he saw me as just a normal energetic kid and mom was able to handle me just my teachers couldn't. He got in their asses and told them I was normal just rambunctious and to do their damn job. And I think that shortly after I went off the ritalin I hit puberty and around then I got depressed and went on wellbutrin but that was too expensive so we got the generic but then my grandma died and I wasn't able to cry at the funeral so I took myself off of it so I could feel feelings again and I never took it again after that. For me I usually have mood disturbances roughly every two months coincidentally around the time of the full moon which is why I say I'm a werewolf. I don't shapeshift or anything I'm not that crazy, however I do have many of the symptoms of a woman on her period.

My dream woman already exists but you said I couldn't say huge chest amazon etc so honestly any woman will do. It would be easier to tell you what I won't tolerate. I won't tolerate just a few teeth. Either all her teeth or no teeth at all and a full set of dentures because just a few missing or whatever is gross. She must have long hair. I can tolerate a few bald patches but if she's completely bald she has to have a wig. I don't really care about her body as long as I won't accidentally break her i used to not want a skinny girl because I was afraid I would break a bone or something but I recently gave a skinny girl a chance and it was the best sex I ever had so really my ideal woman is a skinny woman that's really tough and can take me pounding her and not hurt her. The skinny girl couldn't take missionary because of my weight but the other positions were good. Anyway, personality wize I like a sweetheart kind and gentle, supportive and mildly worshipping in other words adoring and adorable. Kittenish is a good thing.

I prefer the term manic depression. But yes that would be an accurate description of my mental state.

My desire for women is more of a desire for the female energy. I wasn't breastfed as a baby and I'm deprived of female love. I know the "refrigerator mother" explanation of autism has been debunked but it could be confirmed by my case. I'm actually a daddy's boy he was the primary caregiver the first 4 years of my life. I'm just starved for female love and affection.

Rick <[REDACTED]>
31 Jul

to James 
Sorry, but you found pizzas in a dumpster and now you're going to eat them? Why? Usually when food is thrown out it's done so for a reason. I get if you're there when they're throwing them away and instead of that you take them first but not when it's they've already been put in there. Don't places like that have deals with the homeless shelters or something? You know, this is going to be thrown out tomorrow but maybe you can use them or something. 

It's weird is what it is. Look I get roleplay. That's normal for anybody that's been together for a while. It adds a little spice. But how does this "daddy" thing work, or more importantly how does it work for you? By that I mean suppose that tomorrow you find your dream woman, she's everything you hoped for and you bring up the idea of her calling you Daddy. Is this just a sex thing like you're pounding her and she's screaming, "fuck me daddy!" or if she's feeling sultry or horny call you such as a code word for what she wants. Or is this a 24 hour thing seven days a week and 365 days a year where she plays your daughter and you play her father? And no offense, but if we ever had kids which we're not planning on it, and my daughter comes to me wanting to have sex I'd take her in for psychological treatment because that shit ain't right. I don't care what age she is, 14, 18, 36 or more. Sex with blood relatives is wrong even though I've got a couple cousins that I wouldn't mind getting freaky with. 

Which reminds me of an event from years ago. We had a family store years ago and I'd help out from time to time. So one day I'm by the door and this gorgeous girl walks in. She's blonde, tanned, bright blue eyes, gorgeous figure and I'm all, "heyyyy guurl!" without actually saying anything. She asks if my father is around to which I say he's in the back but I can get him. I go to the back and when I get back she's talking to my cousin who I didn't know was in town. And I'm all surprised when it suddenly struck me that the girl she was talking to was also my cousin, but one I hadn't seen in like twelve years or so when we were just kids. She had gotten really hot. Nothing happened of course because she's my cousin and that's just wrong. But yeah, I can understand attraction but not if it's one of your kids. Besides, the Westermarck Effect would have taken hold by then meaning such things would be next to impossible to consider unless your mind was somehow damaged.

I thought you said you were medicated and said you had a "malfunctioning brain that needs drugs to even approximate normality". So which is it? You are currently on drugs to keep you normal or you're not. If you're not why did you say you were? 

I find it funny and just a little telling that you focused a lot of attention on her physical attributes and little on her emotional or mental makeup. What's more important to you? Her body or her mind? I love my wife and my girlfriend dearly but only part of that is physical, the rest of it is who they are inside. What are their thoughts and feelings and all the little bits that go and make them who they are.

Yeah, that whole "refrigerator mother" thing is bullshit. You're not lacking female "energy" so much as you need attention. Dude, it's been four days since you sent this and because you didn't get a response your first instinct is I'm angry at you. You're needy and this could be part of the reason why you're having trouble with women. Maybe I'm not making sense at the moment but losing your short term memory can do that to somebody. 

Sorry I'm really tired and I've been staring at the screen forever I think I need to get to sleep. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
31 Jul

to me 
I'm what is known as a "freegan" not a vegan but that's immaterial. I check all the dumpsters around me for food and stuff. If I hadn't pulled them out they would have been food for ants or rats etc. there's nothing wrong with them. I check every day so the longest they sit in there is a day. I also get chicken from kfc's dumpster too. Not often but I get it bring it home and cook it to be safe and I eat it. I've never gotten sick from dumpster food. Hell I've gotten food poisoning from food I forgot in the fridge. 

It's a 24/7 thing if she's willing. 

Never heard of the westermarck effect before now but it is fascinating. However I personally think it's hokum. If there were no cultural taboo against it incest would happen all the time. However there is some method it it's madness. I'm amourously attracted to my sister but we didn't grow up together. However she and my brother did grow up together and she had a crush on him so family members are attracted to each other. Paradoxically however I disagree with the Oedipus complex as I never found my mother sexually attractive. 

I didn't say I'm currently medicated I said I needs meds to be normal... I ain't normal. I have emotional disturbances and psychotic breaks but through sheer willpower I force my thoughts into order.

Her mental and emotional presence? I already told you, kind, gentlewoman, strong and stoic, a combination of buffy, Xena and WonderWoman self reliant if she needs to be but also willing to take my help when I offer it. Compassionate but not a bleeding heart. Coy and shy with a naïveté but not completely ignorant. 

Like me a childlike innocence and agape for the human race. 

I would like her to be bubbly and happy but not saccharine. 

I'm not good at explaining emotional states and desires sorry. 

If I weren't needy I would be aloof and I wouldn't care about anything. I'm really bad about that. I'm just scared that if I don't keep the lines of communication open I'll lose people. That's probably what ruined it with one of the women I fucked I wanted to date her and I talked to her too much. I guess I'm too much. I feel intolerable sometimes. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
30 Jul

to me 
I'm not sure what I said.

Have you seen the Canadian show "The Red Green Show" I love it. It usually cheers me up, but this time nothing.

I'm not really handling life very well lately. I don't even think sex or even love would fix this.

Why is it so hard to just live?

I'm serious, I have a better life than the majority of the people on the planet I have food and water and a comfortable bed it could be a lot worse, and yet my mind keeps telling me that I have no good reason to be alive anymore other than helping other people, and that is starting to make me feel used.

I feel insecure and inadequate, I'm just so tired of being human.

The dreams of being a God the powers I have in the dream realm. Every time I wake up and discover that I'm still here trapped in this disgusting corpse I nearly weep.

Food used to be a comfort now everything either tastes bland or too spicy. I can't get comfortable in temperature.

Nothing brings me joy anymore. I wish I didn't have the responsibilities of my life and I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Not die just be immortal and asleep in a happy dream forever.

It isn't even loneliness anymore. I'm emotionally impotent right now. Not anatomically though which is a pain in the dick. I have to unenthusiastically masturbate just to get rid of them. That's when you know you're depressed, jerking off is a chore, and one you don't even enjoy.

I'm sorry I don't give you much of a story or anything, but I don't have much of a life to share and what little I actually do is boring beyond the telling of it.

Rick <[REDACTED]>
31 Jul

to James 
I got two words for you: Chill out. 

Long story short, Thursday morning when I went to get in my car it was raining. There's a tree that I park under and as I'm walking around it to get to the door I hear a cracking sound and then things went dark. The tree branch hit me in the head and if it wasn't for my car getting in the way of the branch I might have been killed. Instead I've spent the last however long it's been in the hospital with no short term memory of what happened. Then it's like I woke up in the hospital this yesterday wondering where the hell I was, why my head hurt and why was my wife sleeping in a chair next to me? 

I've spent the rest of the afternoon undergoing tests and under observation. They wanted to keep me overnight just in case I had a concussion but I seem to be fine. There are a few gaps in my memory and my car has been totalled but beyond that I'm alive. So how are things with you?

Heard of it, saw a couple episodes, don't get it. It's not my style. The last funny thing to come out of Canada was Kids in the Hall.

Life isn't hard. It's what you make of it that's the challenge. Look I work with a guy, nice guy and everything but he's got nothing in his life. He wakes up, goes to work, goes back home and does it all again. He's not really a social kind of guy but he's just going through the motions of living. There are nights that some of us head downstairs to the bar for a pint. It's a thing we do from time to time. We invite him every time but he's not interested. He's existing as far as I'm concerned but he's okay with it. I'm sure he's got things going on but they're all personal and only matter to him like screwing around on the internet or playing video games. 

Who are you helping if you don't mind my asking and what is it you get out of it? We help our friends, family and loved ones because we have a duty to it. It's all part of life. When my friend Herman went on vacation with his family he asked me to keep an eye on his place. So I'd swing by there after work, pick up the mail, make sure everything was in order, feed the fish and so on. I do it because Herman is my friend and when I go on vacation with my wife I ask him to do the same. If he were to call me at three am in the morning with an existential crisis, I'd talk to him or jump in the car to drive over there because he's my friend and he needs me. Just like my neighbor helped with clearing the branch that fell on me and my car with his chainsaw by cutting it into firewood chunks. So who is it you're helping and not getting anything in return from?

We all feel that way. It's called being human.

Dude, you got issues and I get it. The question then remains what can you do about it? You can't retreat into a fantasy world because that's just running away from the problem. So you need to either face your problems or accept them. Do me a favor, list your top five problems. What are the five biggest things in your life that are getting you down?

Have you considered that maybe you've got a medical condition? How is your heart and your blood pressure because they can affect things like temperature sensitivity and your lack of flavor could simply be depression.

What responsibilities do you have that are so important? I'm not saying to drop them. I'm just wondering if maybe you can let go for a bit maybe take a step back or outside of yourself.

Can't say I've ever been there.

That's okay but you really need to relax a bit. I'm going to get to the other one now. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
31 Jul

to me 
Oh my goodness are you okay? 

I guess my top 5 gripes are (in no particular order)

1.No friends.
2.No lovelife
3.regrets
4.aches and pains
5.my weight that won't go down no matter how much I work out and don't eat. 

I don't know my blood pressure etc I don't go to the doctor unless I'm scared I'm going to die. Just how I am. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
31 Jul

to James 
I'm alive which is a good thing but I feel like my head is stuffed with cotton and I'm spacing out occasionally. I don't trust myself to drive at the moment and if this continues again tomorrow I'm going to go back to the hospital and ask they give me a brainscan or something.

You seem to have missed a few questions but whatever. Let's look at what you have.

1. Yes you do. You said you had a friend even if you haven't heard from them in seven months or something? Then you have your viewers and followers on Twitter and youtube. So you have friends what you probably mean is you don't have a lot of friends. Okay, the solution is make some. There's got to be social events in Muncie that are open to all, or group get togethers  or even volunteer type things that you can go to which can be good for meeting new people. 

2. What is stopping you from doing so or going out an finding somebody? Okay, you're fat and unemployed. That's already two strikes against you but you say you've had sex and random hookups before. What happened then that maybe you could try to recreate now? 

3. We all have regrets, but most of us don't focus on them. If you're always looking in the past then how can you look towards the future? 

4. Again, we all have these things. I have a recurring pain in my right shoulder that the doctors can't find out what is causing it. When it's mild, it just aches. When it's bad I'm gasping in pain and reaching for the pain killers. But I don't let it rule my life. Same with my migraines. When I get one I'm literally out for the count. I can't do anything. Medication doesn't even help so I have to lie in the darkness sometimes upwards of a day before it's reduced enough for me to basic stuff without wanting to kill myself. It's been said that if the idea of taking a shotgun, sticking it up your ass and pulling the trigger sounds preferable to the blinding pain in your head, then you have a migraine. Anything else is a headache.

5. First question is have you always been fat and are your parents fat? Actually the answer doesn't matter because you can lose weight, you just don't wanna enough. Ask yourself how badly do you want to do it? If you can't drag your ass out of bed to go running every day then you don't want it hard enough. If you can't put down the KFC and pizza and try to eat healthier then you don't want it hard enough. If you try to workout and eat properly but give up after a week because you're not seeing any results then you don't want it hard enough.

Lemme tell you a story. There was a point in my life, during college, that I gained weight. I was never a lightweight except when I was a kid when I hardly ate anything. I've got aspergers and the texture of certain foods was too much for me to eat them or give them a chance. I have however grown out of a lot of that and eat things now I wouldn't have considered as a child but that's another story. I've always had an ass, it's big but I've got strong glutes and due to this I always needed to buy a pair of pants that were a size too big and cinch them up with a belt otherwise. Come college I was living with some roommates, money was tough so I did what any starving college student did and lived off of ramen which is why I can't stand the instant stuff now. I'd buy bags of rice and potatoes and beans and whatever I could that wasn't necessarily bad for me but was cheap and filling. My health suffered for it and I wound up gaining a lot of weight. I didn't care until I was forced to buy a new pair of pants and couldn't squeeze into my regular size. That was it, I bought the larger size and told myself that things were changing today.

So I read up on it. I studied it. I checked all sorts of things and went to work. 

For the first two months I worked out in my room doing cardio and weight training. Cardio to help my heart and burn fat and the weight training for the muscle. I did this every day and on the seventh day I "rested" by only doing light cardio for an hour like walking. I checked out what recipes I could make with what I had that were good for me and might help me lose weight, Needless to say, I learned what Indian food was all about as I still needed to use my beans, rice and lentils. 

Two months later I hadn't lost much in the way of weight but I wasn't expecting to. I just needed to get my heart running and get it primed. The real test came later when I started running. And trust me it wasn't easy. Even with the headstart I had given myself but now the pounds started coming off faster and once they started it was easier to continue. 

It took me a good five months to drop about twenty pounds but I gained muscle in return. I was down two sizes on my pants and on the last notch of my old belt. When I went to see my girlfriend for a long weekend she was amazed at the change that had taken place in me and loved it. So there was also an incentive to continue with it.

It got to the point where I was jogging two miles a day and being able to carry on a conversation as I did. My health improved. Some of the aches and pains I had went away and I was being noticed a lot more by girls. All in all it was a good thing. 

The mornings I didn't want to get up to run because I was tired or it was cold or whatever I had to ask myself "how badly do you want this" and drag my sorry ass out of bed to get ready. I still need to motivate myself to do so and while I'll never be an underwear model or anything and am still carrying around maybe an extra twenty pounds that I don't need, I don't care. I've got a good thing going now. I've got two women that love me. I've got a clean bill of health from my doctor. I can eat whatever I want and not feel guilty about it because I'll just work it off later. Like it or not, it's a good thing.

So I need to ask. How badly do you want it? Not just to losing weight but to all your points?

I'm going to take a nap and if there' s time I'll look at the other e-mail when I'm done. 

James Mitchell <[email protected]>
1 Aug

to me 
I hope you feel better. Maybe the injury could be a blessing in disguise. Maybe if they scan your head they'll find the source of the migraines. I have had a good deal of head trauma and concussion in my life just from clumsiness what I find helpful is meditation and deep breathing unless the deep breaths cause nausea in which case don't do that. 

1.I consider don't Twitter followers and YouTube fans as friends and relatives don't count as friends so really my only friends are my one friend and the one ex that will talk to me. And you, but I don't know if you would let me call you friend. I'm friendly with a cashier at VP and a teller at the bank and I have a few people I see around that I always smile at , you know that "hey I recognize you hehe if my life were a show you are a recurring extra people notice and enjoy catching" that sort of thing. I'm just scared to talk to strangers. Afraid they might kill me. I know it's an irrational fear but they drill it into us as kids to never talk to strangers they'll either molest you or kill you. I know it's ???? so don't tell me that which I already know.

2.basically, what happened? My entire adult sex life has been luck the first woman was already drunk when I got there and she pursued me. She was a black lady with a fetish for white boy's she hated other blacks, let me tell you I had to bite my tongue quite a few times that night. Anyway I never called her because her pussy was too tight and hurt my penis. The next woman was a prostitute I met on craigslist. The next woman was set up by my friend I met her at the local mission she came over and hung out and spent the night and the next day gave me a pity fuck but she enjoyed it so she kept letting me and eventually she started wanting it more than I did but she was abusive which I tolerated because I thought I didn't deserve better and hey she was fucking me so I didn't care. However she cheated on me and I kicked her out on the street and about a week later she was on the news. Before we dated she and her bf at the time molested a 6 month old baby girl. So I'm glad I dumped her. The next woman was another set up through my friend and we dated for 6 months (she's the one I was walking to see when the car shattered my elbow) but she left me because of my insecurities plus she was stronger than me and she didn't want someone that couldn't protect her. It was a whole can of bees. The next woman I met on mingle2 and we were just fwb for 6 months she met someone and that was that. Then I fucked a guy out of desperation and then the ex one last time she took me for a bus ticket :( and then 2 years later my friend set me up with a friend who I payed just to fool around. The arrangement was we're gonna play for pay and then stop. If we fuck the sex is free. And she got turned on enough to fuck me for free. Then I messaged her too much and blew the opportunity. Then we come to the latest calamity that is my love life she dated my friend first but he stopped loving her and I confessed that I loved her and he set us up and we had a 4 day fuckfest and she was the best sex I've ever had but it turns out she never loved me and she was only with me to be close to the friend that was her ex. 

Now peppered in there were 3 women I ate their pussies but didn't fuck so if that counts you do the math. It's all been luck or my friend basically pimping me out or getting me bitches. I'm not good at getting women on my own. 

5.up until puberty I was always underweight and scrawny but then I shot up and out over a few months. I'm serious puberty stretched me on the rack and filled me with padding. Mom is fat 5 feet even and I think 190 or there abouts and dad is 6 foot 1 and roughly the same weight but dad is skinny. I'm a mix of their bodies. I'm tall and fat. 5 foot 9 309 lbs last I checked. I like my body except the flab. I'm saying when the fat is tight and toned I look good it's only when I'm sloppy that it's gross. I just need to start doing sit-ups to tighten up my tummy and some curls to perky up the manboobs and I'll be back to normal. Actually my body feels best at exactly 300 lbs back when I was 280 and killing myself just to stay down there walking everywhere and doing at least 40 curls a day I was in constant agony but then I gave up and eventually I stopped hurting at exactly 300 but anything past that I start hurting again so I'm going to be working on it this month getting back down to 300. My legs are already looking great from my nightly mile or so walk now I just need to get back into weight training and aerobics and I'll be back in shape. I don't care about being fat I just like to be tight and toned under the fat so that it isn't flabby. And I can do that it's all a matter of motivation. No junk food this month. Not even soda. In fact since it is the first I'm cutting out sugar again I lost 5 lbs last time I did that. 

Rick <[REDACTED]>
2 Aug

to James 
Well I'm back from the hospital and there's good news in that there's no permanent damage although I'm going to probably need some kind of therapy for the next few months to deal with the blackouts. And I'm not blacking out so much as just wind up staring into space for long periods of time and not thinking of anything. I mean I'm kinda aware of my surroundings but not really? I've taken some time off work to deal with this because I can't drive in this condition and for some reason I'm having trouble spelling properly. I keep hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard and have to literally stare at my fingers to make sure they're doing the right things. Luckily I've got short term disability as part of my benefits package. But I don't want this going longer than six months because then it's long term and that really reduces what I'm getting not to mention puts my position in jeopardy. 

Migraines are neurological and rarely are they caused by anything physical like a tumor. This is why medication to numb or dull the pain rarely works on them. The only things that do either block them before they start or in some cases can keep them from getting worse. I carry some Cambia with me at all times. It's a powder that tastes terrible but if I feel a migraine coming on, I take that and within a half an hour it's either gone or it's stopped in it's tracks completely. The only problem is that stuff is expensive as hell and my drug plan doesn't cover it. So it's either I shell out $100 for 9 doses or I deal with the migraine by doping myself. And yes, since it's legal, I've started looking into marijuana to see if it would help but I can't find the stuff that you don't smoke. I've asked my doctor about these gummy bears that contain THC and they're medical so maybe I'll get my hands on those at some point.

Anyway, you missed a couple questions but I guess we'll focus on what you said.

1. You already consider us friends? That was fast. How do you know that I'm not some deep cover Kiwi agent here to discover all your secrets before blabbing about them to the group and laughing at you. Not that I am and I've got no way of proving it to you but you can't tell. In any case if this is problem then you need to find friends. How did you and your other friend come to meet and become friends? And if you understand it's absolute crap then what do you expect to do to in order to get more friends if you're afraid of doing so? Your only other option is to learn to be alone because there's not much else you can do.

2. What you're telling me is that every sexual encounter you ever had was either the woman coming onto you, paid for or pity sex? And you mention a gay experience here but you told me your only gay experiences were with boys when you were younger. What gives? 

Believe it or not, most people's sex lives are bound up in one night stands and chance hookups. If I hadn't been walking down that street on that day at that time I might never have met my girlfriend. Or if she met up with me months later she might not have given me the chance to go further because I would have spunked in her mouth the first time she sucked me. Same goes for my wife. Had I not been going down that hallway and seen her friend I doubt I would have met her and probably wound up with another girl altogether assuming I'd even be married today. 

I'm going to be honest with you but you need to offer more than what you're giving right now. Most women out there don't want a guy who's obese and unemployed unless they themselves like 'em large and don't mind paying your way. But ignoring all that, what is it you can offer a woman that no other guy can? What makes James a catch. Figure out what that is and what you can offer and play up on that. You're also going to have to learn to be more assertive and this means approaching women. I know it's hard, it never gets any easier but you need to do this because it's very rare for a woman to approach you. 

5. I was the same. I was short and skinny as a kid, then I hit puberty and shot up like a weed. I grew a head taller in practically a year. It was crazy but it shouldn't make you fat. That's the weird part unless it's a hormonal thing and some of your glands started working overtime or something. Did you maybe get really sick one day and started getting fat afterwards? Robert Earl Hughes, for the longest time he was the heaviest man on Earth and it was because of his pituitary gland going haywire after getting sick. 

And I don't see how you can show any kind of tone underneath all that. I'm not trying to be rude here but the only way you can show tone or muscle for that matter is when your body fat percentage is low. You also mention doing curls and crunches? You are aware that they don't do anything to get rid of the fat right? Crunches just work your abs and curls just work your arms, okay a bit of your abs and chest as well but not much. How much do you curl when you try it and how's your form? Is your back straight? Do you swing your body when you try? Does it matter if you're standing up or sitting down? And this is important, does it hurt when you're doing it? If so, especially on the last part, you're doing it wrong. 

Do me a favor. Could you upload a video of you doing some arm curls? I'll critique your form and give you pointers on how better you might be doing them. 

That's it for today. My head's spinning and I need to lie down.