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Aliens: Colonial Marines: Difference between revisions

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'''Aliens: Colonial Marines''' is a videogame by Gearbox, otherwise known as the development team who shat all over the perfection which was [[Duke Nukem Forever]] like Fergie attempting to 'improve' [[Michael Jackson]]'s Beat It. The singleplayer portion was given to TimeGate studios to develop, because Gearbox have '''no fucking idea how to tell a story.'''
'''Aliens: Colonial Marines''' is a videogame by Gearbox, the development team responsible for shitting all over the perfection that should have been ''[[Duke Nukem Forever]]''. The single-player portion was passed off to TimeGate Studios for development because Gearbox, even after saying yes to SEGA regarding making the game, gave zero fucks about it, as they were more interested in their own projects such as Borderlands 1 and 2.
==Oh noes, ALIAMS!==


==[[Oh noes]], ALIAMS!==
Colonial Marines takes the worst ''Alien'' film in the series and tries to make a canonical sequel to James Cameron's ''Aliens'' with Ridley Scott's “blessing and guidance”. The fact that Ridley Scott wrote and directed ''[[Shit|Prometheus]]'' should have tipped them off to what a shitty idea this was.
 
Colonial Marines takes the worst Alien film in the series and tries to make a canonical sequel to James Cameron's Aliens with Ridley Scott's blessing and guidance. '''The fact that Ridley Scott wrote and directed Prometheus should have tipped them off to what a shitty idea this was.'''


[[File:colonial_marines_poster_smaller.jpg|480px|thumb|You know what else SEGA released? The [[Dreamcast]].]]
[[File:colonial_marines_poster_smaller.jpg|480px|thumb|You know what else SEGA released? The [[Dreamcast]].]]
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==The XBOX 360 leak==
==The XBOX 360 leak==


A few days before the game's official release, the Xbox 360 version was leaked. Since nobody bothered to download it, except to laugh at the Xbox 360's 'lame grafix, dood', this should have been a warning sign of things to come, and perhaps if Gearbox had tried giving away copies of the game with breakfast cereal, they would have been forgiven.
A few days before the game's official release, the Xbox 360 version was leaked but nobody bothered to download it. Perhaps if Gearbox had tried giving away copies of the game with a popular breakfast cereal they could have been forgiven.


==Gameplay==
==Gameplay==


Gameplay consists of running around in dimly lit corridors blasting the aliams as they "come out of the goddamn walls." Some stuff happens. More aliams "come out of the goddamn ceiling." Rinse, repeat until credits roll. The game can also be played in cooperative, and generally speaking a heavy emphasis on cooperative, as seen in Fear 3, Dead Space 3, and Borderlands, "is a great indication that a game will suck."
Gameplay consists of running around in dimly lit corridors blasting the ALIAMS as they come out of ''“the goddamn walls!”'' Some stuff happens. More ALIAMS come out of ''“the goddamn ceiling!”'' Rinse, repeat until credits roll. The game can also be played in cooperative, and generally speaking a heavy emphasis on cooperative, as seen in ''[[FPS|Fear 3]]'', ''[[Dead Space|Dead Space 3]], & ''[[Borderlands]] is a strong indicator that a game is going to succ dikz.
 
==PecanGame.PecanSeqAct_AttachPawnToTeather==
 
One of the major criticisms for the game was that the AI was dumb as bricks.  One minute, the aliens would do what they were supposed to do and then the next minute would just say "fuck it" and do whatever the fuck it wanted to do, even ignore the player.  Four years after the game launched, a modder decided to dig into the game files to find out why this was a thing and came across a specific line of code.  To clarify, TEATHER is not a real word.  It's supposed to be TETHER, meaning that the one "a" that wasn't supposed to be there was what broke the entire game regarding how the AI is supposed to function.  The fact this wasn't spotted in QA is further proof that Gearbox really didn't give two shits about it.


==[[X in my Y|Wimmins? In my Aliams?]]==
==[[X in my Y|Wimmins? In my Aliams?]]==


Some [[fanbois]] were butthurt about the lack of wimmins in the footage and photoshopped screengrabs of Colonial Marines they were shown during development, and started a petition to change this. Since Gearbox are ''politically correct pansies with no spines'', this gross offence against humanity was rectified immediately.
Some [[fanbois]] were butthurt about the lack of wimmins in the footage and photoshopped screengrabs of Colonial Marines they were shown during development, and started a petition to change this. Since Gearbox are [[politically correct]] pansies with no spine this gross offence against humanity was rectified immediately.


[[File:colonial_marines_facehugger.jpg|thumb|right|This is how Gearbox view women - as dangerous flying space vaginas.]]
[[File:colonial_marines_facehugger.jpg|thumb|right|This is how Gearbox view Womyn - as dangerous flying space vaginas.]]


Alien 3 had no female characters besides Ripley, and it was '''[[awesome]]'''.
''Alien 3'' had no female characters besides Ripley, and it was [[awesome]].


==DLC==
==DLC==


Gearbox's games are like children. ''...Children they only give birth to because they intend to exploit them until they die a miserable, unloved death.''
Gearbox's games are like their children. Children they only spawned with the intention of [[Exploitable|exploiting]] them until they die a miserably wretched and unloved death.
 
The first DLC was called ''[[Bug Chasers|Bug Hunt]]'', which only served to remind [[Autistic|die hard]] fans of ''Alien'' & ''Alien 3'' that "bugs" is only used as a term to describe the Xenomorphs as a result of James Cameron being a pathetic ''[[Army|Starship Troopers]]'' fanboi butthurt over the fact he couldn't direct his very own '' 'Troopers'' movie.
 
==See also==


The first DLC will be called [[Bug Chasers|Bug Hunt]], which will only serve to remind sobbing Alien and Alien 3 fans that "bugs" is only used as a term to describe the Xenomorphs because ''James Cameron was a pathetic Starship Troopers fanboi butthurt over the fact he couldn't direct his very own Starship Troopers movie.''
*[[Aliens]]
*[[FPS]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000|Space Marines]]


{{Gaming}}
{{Gaming}}
{{Stub}}

Latest revision as of 23:17, 22 August 2024

Aliens: Colonial Marines is a videogame by Gearbox, the development team responsible for shitting all over the perfection that should have been Duke Nukem Forever. The single-player portion was passed off to TimeGate Studios for development because Gearbox, even after saying yes to SEGA regarding making the game, gave zero fucks about it, as they were more interested in their own projects such as Borderlands 1 and 2.

Oh noes, ALIAMS!

Colonial Marines takes the worst Alien film in the series and tries to make a canonical sequel to James Cameron's Aliens with Ridley Scott's “blessing and guidance”. The fact that Ridley Scott wrote and directed Prometheus should have tipped them off to what a shitty idea this was.

You know what else SEGA released? The Dreamcast.

The XBOX 360 leak

A few days before the game's official release, the Xbox 360 version was leaked but nobody bothered to download it. Perhaps if Gearbox had tried giving away copies of the game with a popular breakfast cereal they could have been forgiven.

Gameplay

Gameplay consists of running around in dimly lit corridors blasting the ALIAMS as they come out of “the goddamn walls!” Some stuff happens. More ALIAMS come out of “the goddamn ceiling!” Rinse, repeat until credits roll. The game can also be played in cooperative, and generally speaking a heavy emphasis on cooperative, as seen in Fear 3, Dead Space 3, & Borderlands is a strong indicator that a game is going to succ dikz.

PecanGame.PecanSeqAct_AttachPawnToTeather

One of the major criticisms for the game was that the AI was dumb as bricks. One minute, the aliens would do what they were supposed to do and then the next minute would just say "fuck it" and do whatever the fuck it wanted to do, even ignore the player. Four years after the game launched, a modder decided to dig into the game files to find out why this was a thing and came across a specific line of code. To clarify, TEATHER is not a real word. It's supposed to be TETHER, meaning that the one "a" that wasn't supposed to be there was what broke the entire game regarding how the AI is supposed to function. The fact this wasn't spotted in QA is further proof that Gearbox really didn't give two shits about it.

Wimmins? In my Aliams?

Some fanbois were butthurt about the lack of wimmins in the footage and photoshopped screengrabs of Colonial Marines they were shown during development, and started a petition to change this. Since Gearbox are politically correct pansies with no spine this gross offence against humanity was rectified immediately.

This is how Gearbox view Womyn - as dangerous flying space vaginas.

Alien 3 had no female characters besides Ripley, and it was awesome.

DLC

Gearbox's games are like their children. Children they only spawned with the intention of exploiting them until they die a miserably wretched and unloved death.

The first DLC was called Bug Hunt, which only served to remind die hard fans of Alien & Alien 3 that "bugs" is only used as a term to describe the Xenomorphs as a result of James Cameron being a pathetic Starship Troopers fanboi butthurt over the fact he couldn't direct his very own 'Troopers movie.

See also

Aliens: Colonial Marines is part of a series on

Gaming

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