View source for Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears

{{spoiler|[[Americans]] weren't the first to weaponize candy}}
[[File:Sugar free gummies warning.png|thumb|The warning recommends you limit your gummy dosage.]]
[[File:Haribo Mit Ohren.jpg|thumb|Another Haribo product, literally ass with ears.]]
'''Haribo<sup>&reg;</sup> Sugarless Gummy Bears''', better known by their street name '''Satan's Thunder Demonshits''' ''(STDs)'', or among the children as "Daddy's [[2 Girls 1 Cup|Special-time]] Candy", are an inedible abomination produced from the minds of ex-nazis; the unfortunate byproduct of the German company Haribo attempting to sail waters long unfriendly to Europeans&mdash;humanities and health ethics. Originally sold as a targeted poison for the [[you|average loser]] [[stoner|overwhelmed with munchies]] from a bit of the old [[marijuana|herbal jew]], Haribo miscalculated the popularity of their own normally-delicious products and quickly saw a record number of complaints, lawsuits, and cease and desist letters as the entire world pigged out on a ''"healthy"'' alternative to their childhood dreams.

== Killer of Childhood Dreams ==
The internet has been around [[Last Thursday|for a while]]. During this period, most of us have had our innocence [[offended|raped away from our psyche]]. However, there are still small parcels that exist in the real world, often overlooked for their brilliant simplicity, which allow us to have just one more small glimpse into our precious, carefree years. Gummy bears is one of these things. But, when placed in the hands of the offspring of the people that [[holocaust|gassed and burned humans for lulz]], what we have left is a sick, fucked up version of everything good in this world, turning our few childhood memories to nightmares that will '''literally and physically''' leave you with cold chills and in fetal position writhing in your own waste. If candy had an uncanny valley, this would be the definition. The ingredients are simple enough: ''lycasin'', ''demon cum'', and ''bonemeal''.

== What the people think ==
The reports on these gummies are detailed enough to provoke Vietnam flashbacks in the seasoned veterans and give newbies a taste of whats to come.

{{Morphquote|mq1|{{roundy|.9em}}background-color:white;border:.5em solid lightgray;margin:0 auto 1em auto;|font-weight:bold;
|I didn't immediately notice the difference between Haribo Normal Gummi Bears (which are designed for human enjoyment) and Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears (which are designed for use in maximum security prisons as a way to punish uncooperative inmates).
I shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHAN'T without SHAT.)|
|And then I saw it. The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down to just the last few sugarless Gummi bears. "Du hast Haribo!" she said to me. Accompanied by a satisfied smile. A big, beaming Hansel and Gretel smile, that slightly turned down in one corner at the sound we both suddenly heard. A low rumble from deep within her GI tract that sounded like Gefahrrrrr. The German word for Danger.|
|I was never asked to send snacks to my daughter's class again.|
|Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin. I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.|
}}

== Legally and Discretely Troll the Ever-Living Fuck Out of the World ==
*Bring to parties
*Give as a gift to ex-goyfriends
*Give as a gift to enemies
*Give as a gift to friends
*Give as a gift to a government employee
*Donate as a thank-you parcel to the local Sheriff's Office
*Donate as a gift to the local hospital
*Give to your friend's pets just before they compete in a dogfight with your pet
*Give to your friend's grandparents to hasten their inheritance

{{achtung|UNDER <u>NO</u> CIRCUMSTANCES FEED THIS TO YOURSELF}}
{{frame|<youtube>sMjgaa5j_LE</youtube>|border=yellow|background=yellow|margin=auto}}
<center>'''Under NO circumstances'''</center>

== External Links ==
*[http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummi-Bears-Sugar-Free/dp/B000EVQWKC/ Official Amazon Page]

== See Also ==
*[[Diahrrea]]
*[[Nightmare Fuel]]
*[[Eating disorder]]

{{foods}}